We Want a Better Sex Life (How Can We Do It?)
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- Опубликовано: 22 июл 2024
- Come As You Are - Emily Nagoski - www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-S...
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I'm so glad Dave Ramsey brought Dr John onboard, this is so necessary!
Yup, a lot of times a spouse calls in to Dave for financial advice and he recommends marriage counseling first 👍🏼
I think Dr John started on Ramsey and they gave him his own spin off show
SO FREAKING NECESSARY.
You asked a great question; Can sex become a thing that you escape to, not escape from? When the emotional part of the marriage is good, sex is something you escape to, but when things are bad, sex becomes a thing to escape from. I never thought of it that way, but it is exactly what I experienced in my marriage before I got divorced. I love your show!
100% same!!
She probably doesn't want to be needed, but instead wants to be *wanted* by her husband, and her husband to know when she wants different amounts of intimacy.
Unfortunately men aren't mind readers. This is where communication comes in.
@@johnsmith-kt7ef It's pointless to even try. There is no path to success for men on this because they don't know what they want, even if they state something, it's only true like 10% of the time and she'll just get mad. Not trying will cause less pain than trying and failing constantly. It's up to her to give strong clues that he can pickup on.
I can so relate to you.I have been in the caregiver role for most of our 45 yr marriage. I was a stay at home mom for 2 children, then free daycare for my 2 grandsons while helping my husband run our carpet cleaning business until he got disabled.From then on I’ve been nurse to him through numerous surgeries, rehabs and recoveries.
Add to this, these last 7 years I also traveled with my daddy on his Alzheimer’s journey till his death in March😢.
Even while daddy was in his last few weeks of life, I was at the hospital w my husband again due to his worsening of his chf & Afib.
Since February he’s been having to wear an external defibrillator life vest .
Back to the role of caregiver again.
So the role of a normal wife has been gone for a long long time😏.11:44
Been with my husband for 5 years, things have actually improved over time. I used to have a low drive, but what REALLY helped was doing a month long challenge where we tried to do it every single day. The first week was difficult, but after that, it was a total game changer. It's like it kindled things back up and made me realize how fun and easy it was, rather than a chore. I've been initiating 90% of the time now because I don't feel pressure to perform knowing that it is just a fun and normal way to bond.
Every single day? That would kill me!!!!!
Must not have kids lol
Does he go down on you? That's what a lot of men don't understand, we need warming up time, we need attention to our whole bodies :). Bij fingering or going down. But it sounds like you have a healthy & nice sex life! Love that for u. Keep enjoying & connecting ❤
Sex is just exercise between 2 conscenting adults. People who make it more than that are idiots who cause so much harm to society and to individuals.
Thank you for having this conversation
Dr John is hilarious! It makes the situation much calming. My sister is right when she says, “I like the way he talks.” That’s a compliment, she doesn’t often give:)
My husband and I are one of the odd couples where I want it more. And if I feel he isn't receptive, I get ready and dress nice as if I was going on a date, even if it does result in nothing. Greatly increases chances of him "spontaneously" coming onto me, starting with all the compliments and everything.
Dang that's actually a really great process. Glad you're sharing that!
Leave him n get wit me imma keep up
That a good idea
I try that. But I'm exhausted. 🤣
@@sarrahconley3143 cool
how on earth did this video not go viral with a million views!!!! Bravo
Dr. D is a badass, guy is a true rockstar for the Ramsey team.
Great responses. I’m going to check out that book recommendation.
Thanks for all you do!
The most important thing is staying in shape. The man and woman.
Husband needs to go down on this girl. I'm just going to say it. Take control bro and don't let her feel like she has any other role to play other than me time. Mary gets what Mary wants.
You said it! 🙌
Well he needs to do something that doesn`t make it feel like a chore for her. If my man cooks and than gives me a good massage I am going to be very into it and it won`t feel like I have somebody else who is needy at all. That`s clearly not what he is doing. The reason she feels it`s like somebody else needing her is because he doesn`t make it enjoyable for her.
"That`s not feasable to do in every day life". Really? SHE is still standig in the kitchen cooking and cleaning up every evening and he wants her time and energy for s** after that so it should be totally possible for him to cook and give a nice massage afterwards and if not, than he obviously doesn`t have enough energy for s** that night.
I like the bit, "Mary gets what Mary wants"!
As Dr. John says it, crave sex (to it) than from it..💪🏾
You are right. It sounds like he doesnt make her orgasm. She needs to come first bro!
Interesting. I can appreciate the flip of having someone come to me like that. Especially earlier in the evening.
Great call!!
These are some great ideas
Your wife is so lucky, I wish my husband could know someone like you and have such a good friend.
I've been married nearly 22 years. I don't understand at all how sex is a chore or a duty. It's something my husband & I are completely rewarded by after putting work, children etc etc first the rest of the day. The night, the night, belongs to US.
Everything in our lives together has flowed from us falling in love. Now, we get to stay in love.
When you don’t feel like it, it is a chore🤷🏾♀️
This comment isn’t helpful here.
Come to my house. My wife will explain what a chore it is to have sex with a man she was never actually attracted to.
Just celebrated our 22nd as well! It hasn’t always been “happy”, parts have been absolutely tragic, but we have both always found sex to be our gift to each other.
@@jer_bear_stare1643If you don’t feel like it, then don’t do it. Are you being forced? Because if you’re not, I just don’t get it
Thank you for this!!! ♥️
I loved this call, so helpful, me and my 10 year relationship find ourselves in these same situations, thanks for all the advice John. My husband sometimes feels I don’t love him anymore, or I don’t crave his body, but sometimes we are just wore out with the house , kids and all💕👧
Just communicate to him about it
You need another man and for your husband to watchhhh mmmm yahhh
But, how about, is it okay for her to say, "I just want some cuddling or handholding that doesn't go somewhere."?
yes! you should clearly say so.
Child care is needy. Partner intimacy is not a needy thing.
I literally LOVE this
Oh dear...I WISH I had heard this 40 years ago!!!
But..im sending this to our daughter..who has 7 little people. ..13 years old and under..two sets of twins. I think they need this info. I don't want them to be like my hubby and me.
Sounds like the average marriage and like 1000 Big Macs later. Not to mention years of your spouse taking a dump in front of you. Marriage isn’t a Hollywood movie but I still love my wife a lot.
That's where boundaries come in. No dumping in front of each other.
Lol! My husband never farts or poops in front of me. Boundaries are sooo necessary!
@@johniii8147 Yes! Like why?! I don't need to be THAT close to you.
Exactly! No farting or taking dumps in front of each other!!! It helps!!
@@johniii8147 hahahah oh to be young..
I would like to say getting to know each others bodies is sooooo important! In my experience, a lot of men AND women don't know their own bodies! Explore!! You may be surprised!
Finding your spouse has a "secret button" is the most amazing thing.
I agree
Chloe Chantal I agree
@@chloechantal5017 you so smart Chloe!👊
Married people lose the thing that got them into the marriage in the first place. You have to get that "game sharp.
Given the topic at hand, I thought the coffee mug in the bottom left hand corner @0:38 was a 'but plug' 😂
I can relate to this woman
If you bring up the subject that you want something different that is a bit uncommonn there is a fear that person will disrespect you or even leave you. But how do you stop thinking about what you want and need?
Desirability can’t be scheduled, it’s natural moment for men and woman , it’s time and moment , not switch on and off
The desirability is always there. But, sometimes the expression of said desirability would benefit from being scheduled.
Very bold of you to call out Dave like this. 😂
This episode was ❤
The secret scheduling is genius!
She comes first - excellent book ... give it to your husband to read
4 times a week, that would be awesome! Geez, I'm super lucky if it happens 4 times a month.
Have you communicated it with your partner? It is possible that it's the stage of life you're in. Or sex is not someyhing for your partner he/she enjoys. If your partner is a woman: we are wired to put the needs of others above ours, so it's sometimes seen as a act of care for the other. And there is way to less known among people about the woman body. We need foreplay, 90% of woman can only climax from foreplay. We need to feel reassured that it's not that our body is difficult or takes to long. It's not only the fault of men, but also woman. We need to express our needs so our partner knows what we like, want & need. Thereby, most men bond and are vunerable during sex, most woman need emotionel connection before they can be intimate.
Hope it gets better for u! But talk to your partner! It may be hard at first and feel really weird, but it will help you both ❤ sex can be such a nice and bonding experience if both enjoy it to the fullest ❤❤😊
What was the name of the book he recommended? I missed it and can't find it now!
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
When he asks What does she want?? That's hilarious. No Mom would ever even think about what she herself wants, other than 5 minutes to use the bathroom by herself without kids hanging on her. One answer would be to sit by a fireplace and read! Or go for a long walk!
I must say that was a great idea he had of her putting an extra day on her calendar that wasn't in their plan, or the envelopes idea 😂
…oh, there are plenty of moms who aren’t as selfless as you are. Lots of great moms too thankfully, but there’s been a troubling shift.
i wonder what dave ramsey would say about the new 'envelope' system.
lol
Comparison to when you’re dating before kids is like comparing yourself to his last ex-girlfriend - destructive to your confidence and your marriage. You’re not the same person - stop holding yourself to standards you could make before you became a household manager for a number of people besides yourself. Now you are a manager. What gets this manager hot and bothered to the point she can’t keep her hands off him?
Get in touch (no pun intended) with yourself. Then, show him - without words - what you need - with hands on action ;o)
I was given this suggestion. Have a candy bowl in a secret place and if one or the other person put a candy in the dish, you know that the other wants to get together. It may help get that mood going😊
My candy would be in the bowl every day lmao
Leave the cereal and the TV remote where the kids can manage them on a weekend morning. Tell them mommy & daddy are sleeping in and DO NOT WAKE US UP (except for the same reason they can’t get out of bed after bedtime - vomiting, bleeding, or the house is on fire). Our older daughter got off on being in charge. Win win!
Susan892 we did this with our kids as they were a little older and able to manage by themselves to eat etc. I would tell them: do not knock on this door unless you are hurt, a person knocks on the outside door or the house is on fire. Worked like a charm.
Let's start scheduling = it's pity sex and a chore and you're not wanted or desired. That's how I would feel anyway. I gave up even trying and once I stopped being resentful, it's been the most peaceful years of my life. But it did take me YEARS to stop being resentful. It was a hard journey.
Add a third. Trust.
If he can put the kids to bed for an hour while she takes a candlelit bubble bath with a glass of wine… then she’ll be in a more relaxed, recharged mood, primed for love and attention. Then, she can separate the Mommy-mode where everybody needs her all the time and pulls on her to a time frame dedicated to her union. 2-3 times per week - dude give her that and she’ll be so into you.
Not necessarily. Some women can’t stand baths & are too exhausted to drink a glass of wine at night.
A lot of women would want more sex if the guy got more skills and sex was way more pleasant for her.
I feel like this is an underrated comment. Great idea. 🎉
I don't get the solution..what did they say?
Sounds like she is bored, also i get people with kids have to "schedule" it, but from my experience that would not work for me all the time. I like spontaneity, I don't need it like this all the time, but its a great mix while in an LTR. They need to go on an adult trip (no kids) and just live it up for a weekend.
The truth is once you have kids you can't expect your life to be the same as what it was before. For women ist is much more difficult when you are looking after kids you depend on you emotionally. Women don't switch their minds of in the same way that men do.
Zastanawiałam przez lata czy ja kogoś porządałam dążyłam do zbliżenia ?
Wyobrazić sobie,że nie.
Ps.
Odkąd sięgam pamięcią , nigdy nie zdarzyło mi się ulec emocjom pod wpływem chwili (sex) może w żartach coś tam palnelam i koniec rozmowy.
Nie ulegam statusowi nie ulegam urudzie.
Dobre pytanie które mnie nigdy mnie nurtowało.
Czy można uciec od sexu emocjonalnego porządnego ?
Przeżyłam to ale to była tylko jedna strona mój były małżonek.
-
Można uciec uwierz mi.
3 w miesiącu miałam okres 😂😂😂 albo coś tam wymyśliłam.
Decyt:😅
I needed to hear that has a husband
Get yourself in a relaxed frame of mind first, take a shower, then get creative
Find some new positions, new places, try it in the shower together.
That can be super intimate and romantic.
Getting creative and trying something new builds excitement instead of making it feel like a chore.
Perspective will go from
"ugh I don't want to be needed" to
"oh I can't wait to get on it tonight and try some new things."
She's saying he's not getting her off but wouldn't say it directly.
Well yeah, I wouldn't want to admit that on a Christian based national radio show either.
@@katelynbrown98 Might as well be honest if you’re going to get a real helpful advice
Probably needs to hit the weights and improve hisself
This sounds like a lot of work. Now I remember why I'm not dating.
😂
Is this like kundalini yoga? Or tantric? To raise the lingam or whatever?
Has she tried using those… I forget the name of them - the metal balls that help exercise women’s musculature down there?
15 years is your answer. What is the age gap?
Practice social distancing better ...🔥
This is why kids and marriage are scary. I refuse to have a dead bedroom. Life is too short to be a robot every day
I think there is a honeymoon stage but after years couples get tired of each other and bored. Eyes start to wander, and they want to try something new
And right there is the problem. When people view sex with your spouse as just a way for you to get off. Basically, just using the other spouses body to masturbate with. Sex between a husband and a wife is a bonding of body and soul. It should be so much deeper then just getting off. Paul said in the bible that it is a great mystery. When two become one. It is physical and also deeply spiritual. That is how couples don't get bored. That's how to not let your eyes wander. That is how God intended sex to be.
@@elliemathews6884 who said anything about sex? You, not me
@@elliemathews6884 what a beautiful way to say!🙏
@@yogaqueen1527of course not tou just ment eyes start wondering for freaking mashrooms 🤦🏼♀️
Desire can't be negotiated.
How did finance advice end up is S€x talks ? Oh I love Dave Ramsey and Dr John Delony. Dave is like Dad and Dr John is that older cousin who will call you back in line , teach and listen. Uh ❤️
Mary doesn't want her husband to give to get. He is nice but it's a loaded nice. She doesn't want that.
"Covert Contracts" never create desire. If you a man tbh you need to be a little selfish focus on your self and it will create desire.
@@johnsmith-kt7ef That is true for both sexes
Her poor husband....go get another one on the side....poor bastard gotta love with this. Lolol
Sounds like a pretty healthy marriage with young kids. Sometimes you are just too exhausted for sex, and like...that's ok.
"I am gonna stick the kids in front of a tv screen" that's how you get your kids to walk into stuff xD
That's why their are locks
Here's the problem that I also found in my marriage and finally fixed it. If you have 'open season' every time you cuddle you actually start a negative feedback loop. Holding hands leads to kissing leads to passion which leads to intimate moves when they are not wanted, or worse yet it's painful (as in my case). So just holding hands becomes a negative feedback loop because your spouse is thinking this may end in a painful way. So she ends up not wanting to touch or kiss or hold hands. What you need to do is have more strict rules. What worked for us is scheduling everything. No funny business outside of the schedule. That way no matter how hot and bothered each of you gets you can't do it because it's not on the schedule. This one simple trick has allowed me to touch my wife everywhere and anywhere in our off days without her pulling away. And she can passionately kiss me without things going down that road. Maybe her man has more needs than just intercourse, she needs to satisfy him in other ways and put that on the schedule too, it's obvious his needs are not being met as well.
An example of what your saying, my ex wife made it a point to not give it up any time I did something really nice to her, gave her a gift, or went on a date night. This was some sort of power trip for her that she wouldn’t give up that control to me. Then she seemed surprised when I didn’t do those things for her. If I did do something nice, any chance I had with her was gone because of this mental block she had. She didn’t see a problem cheating on me while denying me any intimacy. She was a real peach.
This lady is desiring Delony 😆
Sounds like her husband isn't pursuing her. Do some dishes, send her out to have a break without the kids. She ll be all over you dude.
Boom first comment
45 minutes on the calendar? More like 4.5 minutes youknowwhatimsayin
Romance
Ultimately John is doing his best.. but you really can’t ‘negotiate’ genuine desire. Either she is burning for him, or she is not. Marriage makes it tougher, but what can he do to gain her desire? Square one, is he in shape? Does he keep masculine frame in the relationship?
For my husband and I, the secret is feeling desired. Not lusted after necessarily (though at times that’s great too) but truly desired as a woman, best friend, partner in crime, and spouse. He does this by messaging me throughout the day, just to say I love you. Calling me as he leaves work to let me know he’s on his way… not to check in or anything but to give me a few moments to freshen up for him! He makes a point to greet me first, always with a deep kiss. He shows his love by putting me before all other’s. Knowing that I am valued and desired results in a deep desire to satisfy him. I am truly his and he is truly mine.❤️
Isn't sex realistically and biologically a young person thing you do a lot before you have kids? Once you get to middle age you biologically don't have the same drive for sex and actually have to work much harder on your physical health and diet. Long term relationships surely can't just be hot attraction like new relationships.
No hun, they’re FAR BETTER! My husband and I have been together for about 28 years, married for 22, with 9 kids. We’ve always been expertly matched in the sex drive sense… we both like a daily meet😉. While it has gone up and down on frequency throughout the year’s, but we average 6-12 times a week. Sex isn’t just for kids, we’re middle aged and having a ton of fun at it🥰
@@sarahalderman31266-12 times a week? How? 😂 I love being intimate with my husband, but we usually have sex 3 times a week due to working full time and raising a family.
I hope you told your husband this before getting married. Most men don't want a wife to have sex with them just for kids. A lot of religious women think sex is purely for baby making and then they can neglect their husband sexually. Then of course pretend to be shocked when he has an affair.
the key to good sex with others is having great sex with yourself..having a sexual connection with your own body is so important.
Desire is never manufactured. I like your advice overall but desire is never manufactured. It is ALWAYS natural. Get in shape. Hit the gym. Always keep pursuing the best version of yourself. Dress up. Desire will be there. If you are a man, be the man that other men want to BE and other women want to BE WITH. If you are a woman, stay in shape. Look feminine. Prioritize your health, dress up for your man, and seek to please him. It's hard work. It was way easier gaming other women. It's much harder to hold frame and maintain desire.
“Desire is never manufactured”
“Go to the gym”
lol what
@@SpeedfreakUK : desire is never manufactured from the other party. That’s what he is saying. But the better self someone is the more probability they are desirable by the other party.
"Desire is never manufactured" but look feminine and "dress up"? What could be more manufactured?
cultivating desire is about appreciating your spouse for who they are and being part of a team where you meet each other's needs, not cookie-cutter ideas of masculinity and femininity (I mean unless that is your kink, then you do you, brother).
@@Rosaedora Cultivating desire doesnt work. You can cultivate a great marriage in which you choose to love each other each day and you guys can be the best of friends. Yeah. sure. But desire is never manufactured.
@@anthonylozano8035 idk I disagree to an extent but agree in other’s. Yes we do need to take care of ourselves, but desire in marriage is not all just physical, it is emotional too especially for women.
I’m glad I don’t have kids 😬😅
If you don’t want to give to your husband, it will always have a women on his job or street that will. Feed him before he think about go to Burger King.
Yes, Burger King has something for both men and women. That slogan isn’t ‘have it your way’ for nothing. Married folks should focus on feeding each other so that neither leaves home with a case of the munchies.
Yes, that works both ways… Men be sure to provide that emotional connection for your wife and ladies we must provide that nookie😉
But there are some husbands who get regular sex, but not as exciting as they want, or not the sex acts they want. Porn continues to make this a moving target. At some point, we have to stop holding wives hostage for fear of infidelity. Stay with your wife, or…..don’t stay. Leave because things are impossible to work out, not just because you found a filler.
NOTE TO JOHN:
This woman DOES work.
ALL.
DAY.
LONG.
She works inside the home raising kids. Unfairly, she doesn’t get Social Security.
Buy pr*stitutes
3sum
Don't get married fellas. This becomes very, very common. Then they get mad when their husband's eyes wander.
Did you miss the entire call? She said she wants to IMPROVE this area of her marriage, not abolish it. Also, there are plenty of men in this world who don’t meet their wives’ needs in the bedroom either, so it’s not all about male needs not being met.
That's disgusting. Instead of talking to your wife and figuring out where you're both not getting needs met, you just make the jump to wandering eyes and potentially cheating?!
Guys like you use women, not love them.
Women need marriage, men don't.
@@jeradkiester698 😂 sure