Sincere and determined people need truthful information and a good plan to escape the cycle and hole you are in. Incredible marriages ARE possible. They are achieved by: 1. Learning about the mind and mastering it so your changes are permanent and you are always growing. 2. Learning how to behave, and not behave in marriage friendly ways 3. Making unconditional love and ever-expanding happiness your primary and constant missions. Go to themarriagefoundation.org and get the course if you need it. Now is not the time to experiment. It is the time for positive action.
I really have a problem. My wife gets angry at me because I almost never get angry. I’m usually relaxed and trained to not get annoyed by anything and that annoys my wife.
My wife gets uncontrollably angry at me and gets very personal. I'm normally a calm person but she is clever at pushing my buttons. Your video is very informative and opened my eyes. It's going to be difficult but l'll give it a go. Thank you.
I decided to not take husband s ranting personal and show compassion and in response he blocked me. I think he got used to me fighting back, attacking him and generally responding in anger. When I applied SEW technique and responded with compassion he just blocked me. He wanted to fight and rant but I watered that down with compassionate response. I feel so much peace because always after we fight and I become defensive I end up so drained and feeling worse. Now I feel great.
My problem is usually taking it personally. I have implemented many of these teachings but what happens when your spouse has so many triggers of anger? And is not open to working issues out on a subconscious level
I have learned not to blame myself and take it personally when my husband rages with anger. I finally have to courage to stand up and say I can’t live with this behavior anymore!!!!
Paul Friedman So absolutely true. I was going to say but then deleted it. It is so difficult to do but once my introspective work is done I finally realized that compassion is key. I am human though and as consistent as I am with being compassionate I also have limited patience at times and my ego sometimes drives my reaction. I find it difficult sometimes to be logical, understanding, compassionate while still preserving my self respect and not compromising my mental health and sanity. I feel like being compassionate to every outburst and tantrum is giving my spouse a green card to continue this behaviour which essentially makes me feel like a doormat to unload her toxic baggage. Thankfully though her gaslighting does not work because I am aware. My question is what do you tell a client who uses this technique and is sincere about it with someone who has BPD or any other disorder. It truly is difficult.
@@trooper744 The answer is enough to fill a book, which is what I did :) And sometimes, though I don't think for you, our course is necessary because I'm able to guide a person step-by-step into making the techniques needed every day. habits. The science of marriage is simple but extensive. So you are in that dangerous zone of "some" understanding but still under the influence of the drive-to-survive, not the ego.
Great tips! What if you stay calm/compassionate but your wife keeps getting angrier and triggering you for hours/hours. I only have so much patience...
There are ways to rise above your emotions and inner reactions. The best way is to be anchored in your heart. Remember, any "reaction" will only cause the negativity to recycle.
@@TheMarriageFoundation I'm in a stream of tears. This is what I needed to hear for sure. Its like you totally get it. Its not about me for sure I get that but when the anger is being directed at me it sure does feels like an attack on me. Not ready to quit yet but sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel. Thank you for your chanel
Thank you. My man was stressed out from work and took his anger out on me (not physically) because of it, and I was being difficult, after watching this video, I went in, apologized, and said I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, and left him alone for the night.
Thank you Paul, Ill look up your book. I like how you explained about dealing w spouse anger. I know this to be true and I want to remember it. I think visualizing can help..But i know meditating daily is essential..otherwise it’s easy to hear the words w the ears, as an attack, as oppose to hearing their words w my heart, as a crying,. I feel meditation daily can. help bring out that understanding and compassion that is out true nature.
Vandana, meditation PLUS dispassionate introspection. Those two keys are within your reach to unlock all potential happiness, especially in your sacred space of marriage.
@@TheMarriageFoundation So, I'm just supposed to keep deflecting no matter how bad the behavior. So when I'm being screamed at, I should just offer water? Feels like a path to my own mental repression.
@@witzerdog absolutely do not repress, but it is better than behaving in an unseemly manner yourself. It doesn't do any good if you bite back or "educate" or do anything else that is essentially defensive. What does good for you, her, and your marriage is ONLY to behave lovingly no matter what. Take the high road of being her best friend who understands that her remarks and screaming is not personal but a frustrated cry in the best way she knows how.
This is a crazy video that explains a lot . I’ve been trying to identify the why or how , I’ve noticed the fear… oh wow this was the video I needed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What if their anger is a way to get you to feel the hurt and anger they're feeling? ie it is intentional. They're angry and they want to hurt you for making them feel that way so that they're not the only one feeling the pain themselves...?
The therapists delight in explaining, or should I say theorizing. I don't care why someone is angry ( I get out of the way) and I especially don't try to understand anger when it pops in in my wife. Rather, I do all I can to comfort her because I love her. Do you understand, now?
The principles and philosophies that comprise our approach are deep and even Holy. Free-will is one of our most treasured gifts and learning how to use it, to tie it to the love of our soul is a blessed endeavor we can all benefit from prioritizing.
Gosh. I need you as a therapist. Ex fiance & I went through 5 court cases(3 for me, 2 for her) in a year & and half for domestic related issues, always involving alcohol. Such a long traumatic story…but I feel like I’m all at fault for it all as a man & feel connected as “the one”. No closure, no contact, & from her end…vindictiveness & manipulation mind games. Happened with her last ex baby daddy, took him 4 years & 4 of his own domestic cases…she grew up with a drug addicted mother who lost custody for child abuse when she was 15 & father was locked in prison for intoxicated vehicular manslaughter for 12 years during her childhood. She struggles with anger & alcohol. I was a recovering addict & fell apart once I started dealing with her, but didn’t ever want to give up on her and have to constantly convince myself that everyone telling me to stay away from her cause she’s not worth it & that this is not the one. Currently, I’m 6 months sober & half way done with probation. I messed up, minor but enough, didn’t listen to the law, put family first, but reacted to her abuse poorly.
With all due respect I would offer a constructive suggestion that althogh the past has been ultra bad the future can still be ultra good. One must only turn to God and start to do what is necesary to change and then keep at it. Even though you are not married now you would still get benefit from our mens course and I urge you to look into it.
@@TheMarriageFoundation I’ve taken AA courses & through that…not religious or spiritual. Grew up Christian, family is still Christian. I stopped believing at 16. I once faked it to make it to try & believe in a higher power. But it didn’t feel right & always had to convince or lie to myself to believe it. I take the sort of “George Carlin” approach on life. I have to find faith elsewhere.
Its not religion that matters but our efforts to get to the truth of life. I prefer agnotistics over fakers, myself. Try to sit very still and feel the love in yyour heart. When you do you will no longer doubt His presence.
You have free will. You can raise the bar for yourself out of love. Or, you can make matters worse. it is always up to you how you choose to behave, even when you are triggered.
@@scrappy3471 It means that you can control your own mind and find the compassion within yourself if you choose. Learning to control your mind is an essential first step for creating the connection you desire.
@@TheMarriageFoundation sorry I just dont agree you can only have compassion for so long. If the other person is not taking control of themselves and trying to work on it then it cannot just be down to the other person to keep showing love when they show you nothing but disrespect. The angered person is not taking any responsibility.The choice you have then is to stay or go.
@@scrappy3471 Granted, the principle is not so easy to accept when one is focused on self-preservation. But the ideals of marriage are not based on survival or self-protection as is the case in every other venue of life. The core principle of marriage is selflessness, unconditional love. The giver of unconditional love is not phased by the "returns" from their spouse so enjoy the inner fruits of peace and happiness based on what they give, not what they receive. The ideals are realized by working towards this ideal whereas the other way is only going to decay the relationship.
Yes R2, the art of getting along with others, especially our spouse is not out of reach for us and when real proper behavior is expressed it always rings true, almost needing no deep explanation.
You and your husband are well beyond the point when a video like these we produce for general consumption will help you transform your marriage although I have covered this topic. I suggest you look into our marriage help course for women. themarriagefoundation.org/marriage-course-for-women/
So youre just supposed to take 16:53 it when your spouse has an anger problem and talks to you in a disrespectful, mean and hostile manner? What about self respect and setting boundaries???
Why would you not love your spouse so much that you see thier anger problem as a problem that is aimed at you insead of something to feel compassion for them? You are "supposed to" learn to love them unconditionally, complain about them.
@@TheMarriageFoundationbut its like a roller coaster. And it hurt even i remind myself dont take it personally how about my mental State When my spouse keep saying im handicap, im useless, im a f… idiot etc etc
Well I failed miserably with not taking it personal today. I tried all week to be understanding but I'm only human. I tried and well I reacted back and then all the yelling and cursing started and now a door is tore up and he walked out . I asked all week what's wrong. 23yr relationship gone to shit because he feels like a failure . Every time he goes around family members that make him feel inadequate he pretends in front of them then gets back home and gets depressed and moody then holds it in and then picks an argument. I am trying all I can but it's ridiculous now
It is never too late! The problem with going it alone is that you do not have the resources to get through this first most difficult part of learning how to control your mind, not just your outer actions. Even those who us the courses we offer may slip but they are able to get right back on the path. Don't give up. It is a challenge that you must eventually have to face so you might as well face it now.
Pray for his salvation and spiritual maturity every day. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed for the good ever since. He is so much more positive now, so much less angry. Do try this for your spouse, God can change anyone.
@@liveforchrist1474 Mine is born again, he would laugh or think I was patronizing him. However I have used anointing oil on his pillow and pray for him. He seems to soften up.
Anger is not you, but we are taught incorrectly. Our courses show you how to rid yourselves of it completely themarriagefoundation.org/ and the courses are a zero risk proposition
You have to pray for their salvation and spiritual maturity every day. Don't give up, God can surely change anyone. One day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now, so much less angry. Do try this for your spouse , it should help save your marriage.
Sincere and determined people need truthful information and a good plan to escape the cycle and hole you are in. Incredible marriages ARE possible. They are achieved by:
1. Learning about the mind and mastering it so your changes are permanent and you are always growing.
2. Learning how to behave, and not behave in marriage friendly ways
3. Making unconditional love and ever-expanding happiness your primary and constant missions.
Go to themarriagefoundation.org and get the course if you need it. Now is not the time to experiment. It is the time for positive action.
"See how easy life is? No big deal" Love that 💕
I really have a problem. My wife gets angry at me because I almost never get angry. I’m usually relaxed and trained to not get annoyed by anything and that annoys my wife.
It is not enough to just not get angry. Marriage is about gaining joy and experiencing love.
Sometimes your other half is the problem tbh
She needs affection from you not bc u almost Not get angry , she just needs you to show her that you really understand and care
Never getting angry shows your apathy toward something important to her
My wife gets uncontrollably angry at me and gets very personal. I'm normally a calm person but she is clever at pushing my buttons. Your video is very informative and opened my eyes. It's going to be difficult but l'll give it a go. Thank you.
May god grant u patience
My husband is the same way. It’s to the point where he totally disrespects me. 😢
I feel the same way, any luck?
Thank you for your clear calm approach. This is helping me better understand my husband and not spiral out with hurt from his actions.
I decided to not take husband s ranting personal and show compassion and in response he blocked me.
I think he got used to me fighting back, attacking him and generally responding in anger. When I applied SEW technique and responded with compassion he just blocked me. He wanted to fight and rant but I watered that down with compassionate response. I feel so much peace because always after we fight and I become defensive I end up so drained and feeling worse. Now I feel great.
He blocked you? I don't understand.
So what happened to his blocking uou
My problem is usually taking it personally. I have implemented many of these teachings but what happens when your spouse has so many triggers of anger? And is not open to working issues out on a subconscious level
with the right tools you will rise above your triggers ..look into the course for women themarriagefoundation.org/
I have learned not to blame myself and take it personally when my husband rages with anger. I finally have to courage to stand up and say I can’t live with this behavior anymore!!!!
The best video yet!! I can’t believe there aren’t more likes and subscribers
Although difficult to do these 3 points are so effective in disarming an angry spouse.
Yes, Jesse, but make your heart open so its not just a technique to disarm. Learn to love unconditionally.
Paul Friedman So absolutely true. I was going to say but then deleted it. It is so difficult to do but once my introspective work is done I finally realized that compassion is key. I am human though and as consistent as I am with being compassionate I also have limited patience at times and my ego sometimes drives my reaction. I find it difficult sometimes to be logical, understanding, compassionate while still preserving my self respect and not compromising my mental health and sanity. I feel like being compassionate to every outburst and tantrum is giving my spouse a green card to continue this behaviour which essentially makes me feel like a doormat to unload her toxic baggage. Thankfully though her gaslighting does not work because I am aware. My question is what do you tell a client who uses this technique and is sincere about it with someone who has BPD or any other disorder. It truly is difficult.
@@trooper744 The answer is enough to fill a book, which is what I did :) And sometimes, though I don't think for you, our course is necessary because I'm able to guide a person step-by-step into making the techniques needed every day. habits.
The science of marriage is simple but extensive. So you are in that dangerous zone of "some" understanding but still under the influence of the drive-to-survive, not the ego.
You are exactly who i need right now and im so grateful 🙏🏼✨
Great tips! What if you stay calm/compassionate but your wife keeps getting angrier and triggering you for hours/hours. I only have so much patience...
There are ways to rise above your emotions and inner reactions. The best way is to be anchored in your heart. Remember, any "reaction" will only cause the negativity to recycle.
@@TheMarriageFoundation I'm in a stream of tears. This is what I needed to hear for sure. Its like you totally get it. Its not about me for sure I get that but when the anger is being directed at me it sure does feels like an attack on me. Not ready to quit yet but sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel. Thank you for your chanel
A video about “my spouse is afraid of me”
thank you for tips on how to manage my anger. im going to try and implement a few of these pieces of advise. thank you.
Thank you. My man was stressed out from work and took his anger out on me (not physically) because of it, and I was being difficult, after watching this video, I went in, apologized, and said I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, and left him alone for the night.
Thank you Paul, Ill look up your book. I like how you explained about dealing w spouse anger. I know this to be true and I want to remember it. I think visualizing can help..But i know meditating daily is essential..otherwise it’s easy to hear the words w the ears, as an attack, as oppose to hearing their words w my heart, as a crying,. I feel meditation daily can. help bring out that understanding and compassion that is out true nature.
Vandana, meditation PLUS dispassionate introspection. Those two keys are within your reach to unlock all potential happiness, especially in your sacred space of marriage.
But, when it is over and over again and you do all these things... when do you just say, "Grow the fuck up."
I would replace that thought with "excuse me for a minute, I need to go to the kitchen for water. Would you like some, too?"
@@TheMarriageFoundation So, I'm just supposed to keep deflecting no matter how bad the behavior. So when I'm being screamed at, I should just offer water? Feels like a path to my own mental repression.
@@witzerdog absolutely do not repress, but it is better than behaving in an unseemly manner yourself. It doesn't do any good if you bite back or "educate" or do anything else that is essentially defensive. What does good for you, her, and your marriage is ONLY to behave lovingly no matter what. Take the high road of being her best friend who understands that her remarks and screaming is not personal but a frustrated cry in the best way she knows how.
@@TheMarriageFoundation WOw! Brilliant and funny!
@@TheMarriageFoundation excusing myself only makes him more mad.
May work! I’ll give it a try!
This is a crazy video that explains a lot . I’ve been trying to identify the why or how , I’ve noticed the fear… oh wow this was the video I needed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you make a video about a parent who overprotects a Child that had already like 30 years and is interrupting the normality of the marriage ?
What if their anger is a way to get you to feel the hurt and anger they're feeling? ie it is intentional. They're angry and they want to hurt you for making them feel that way so that they're not the only one feeling the pain themselves...?
The therapists delight in explaining, or should I say theorizing. I don't care why someone is angry ( I get out of the way) and I especially don't try to understand anger when it pops in in my wife. Rather, I do all I can to comfort her because I love her. Do you understand, now?
@@TheMarriageFoundation I always end up asking what's wrong, he wont express unless I ask and it can take days so I breakdown and ask.
@@TheMarriageFoundation what if the spouse becomes aggressive towards children when angry?
This gave me ASMR 🙏🏼🙏🏼
The principles and philosophies that comprise our approach are deep and even Holy. Free-will is one of our most treasured gifts and learning how to use it, to tie it to the love of our soul is a blessed endeavor we can all benefit from prioritizing.
Gosh. I need you as a therapist. Ex fiance & I went through 5 court cases(3 for me, 2 for her) in a year & and half for domestic related issues, always involving alcohol. Such a long traumatic story…but I feel like I’m all at fault for it all as a man & feel connected as “the one”. No closure, no contact, & from her end…vindictiveness & manipulation mind games. Happened with her last ex baby daddy, took him 4 years & 4 of his own domestic cases…she grew up with a drug addicted mother who lost custody for child abuse when she was 15 & father was locked in prison for intoxicated vehicular manslaughter for 12 years during her childhood. She struggles with anger & alcohol. I was a recovering addict & fell apart once I started dealing with her, but didn’t ever want to give up on her and have to constantly convince myself that everyone telling me to stay away from her cause she’s not worth it & that this is not the one. Currently, I’m 6 months sober & half way done with probation. I messed up, minor but enough, didn’t listen to the law, put family first, but reacted to her abuse poorly.
With all due respect I would offer a constructive suggestion that althogh the past has been ultra bad the future can still be ultra good. One must only turn to God and start to do what is necesary to change and then keep at it. Even though you are not married now you would still get benefit from our mens course and I urge you to look into it.
@@TheMarriageFoundation I’ve taken AA courses & through that…not religious or spiritual. Grew up Christian, family is still Christian. I stopped believing at 16. I once faked it to make it to try & believe in a higher power. But it didn’t feel right & always had to convince or lie to myself to believe it. I take the sort of “George Carlin” approach on life. I have to find faith elsewhere.
Its not religion that matters but our efforts to get to the truth of life. I prefer agnotistics over fakers, myself. Try to sit very still and feel the love in yyour heart. When you do you will no longer doubt His presence.
Thank you!
My husband is triggered every week and takes it out on me. Its become to much and I've lost compassion for him I'm afraid
You have free will. You can raise the bar for yourself out of love. Or, you can make matters worse. it is always up to you how you choose to behave, even when you are triggered.
@@TheMarriageFoundation what does that even mean ? Sorry I'm unsure what you are trying to say.
@@scrappy3471 It means that you can control your own mind and find the compassion within yourself if you choose. Learning to control your mind is an essential first step for creating the connection you desire.
@@TheMarriageFoundation sorry I just dont agree you can only have compassion for so long. If the other person is not taking control of themselves and trying to work on it then it cannot just be down to the other person to keep showing love when they show you nothing but disrespect. The angered person is not taking any responsibility.The choice you have then is to stay or go.
@@scrappy3471 Granted, the principle is not so easy to accept when one is focused on self-preservation. But the ideals of marriage are not based on survival or self-protection as is the case in every other venue of life. The core principle of marriage is selflessness, unconditional love. The giver of unconditional love is not phased by the "returns" from their spouse so enjoy the inner fruits of peace and happiness based on what they give, not what they receive. The ideals are realized by working towards this ideal whereas the other way is only going to decay the relationship.
Knew these things but making more sense in life now
Yes R2, the art of getting along with others, especially our spouse is not out of reach for us and when real proper behavior is expressed it always rings true, almost needing no deep explanation.
Thanks ❤
You're welcome 🙏
I love your message wow! I could relate myself with it specially dealing with my husband. Thank you so much for sharing it.
BOOOM...awesome
Thank you bald old man! That was soul refreshing.
hahahahha... are you my long lost son? :)
Oh my goodness!
Love your spirit professor ❤so inspiring ❤thank you from my heart
Do you have videos about being married to an angry narcissist
You and your husband are well beyond the point when a video like these we produce for general consumption will help you transform your marriage although I have covered this topic. I suggest you look into our marriage help course for women. themarriagefoundation.org/marriage-course-for-women/
So youre just supposed to take 16:53 it when your spouse has an anger problem and talks to you in a disrespectful, mean and hostile manner? What about self respect and setting boundaries???
Why would you not love your spouse so much that you see thier anger problem as a problem that is aimed at you insead of something to feel compassion for them? You are "supposed to" learn to love them unconditionally, complain about them.
@@TheMarriageFoundationbut its like a roller coaster. And it hurt even i remind myself dont take it personally how about my mental State When my spouse keep saying im handicap, im useless, im a f… idiot etc etc
How can I find part one?
search here ruclips.net/channel/UCgVflJm7_oeEiLCq0j6WV3g
Well I failed miserably with not taking it personal today. I tried all week to be understanding but I'm only human. I tried and well I reacted back and then all the yelling and cursing started and now a door is tore up and he walked out . I asked all week what's wrong. 23yr relationship gone to shit because he feels like a failure . Every time he goes around family members that make him feel inadequate he pretends in front of them then gets back home and gets depressed and moody then holds it in and then picks an argument. I am trying all I can but it's ridiculous now
It is never too late! The problem with going it alone is that you do not have the resources to get through this first most difficult part of learning how to control your mind, not just your outer actions. Even those who us the courses we offer may slip but they are able to get right back on the path. Don't give up. It is a challenge that you must eventually have to face so you might as well face it now.
Pray for his salvation and spiritual maturity every day.
Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed for the good ever since. He is so much more positive now, so much less angry. Do try this for your spouse, God can change anyone.
@@liveforchrist1474 Mine is born again, he would laugh or think I was patronizing him.
However I have used anointing oil on his pillow and pray for him. He seems to soften up.
My self anger
& spouse anger 🙏🏽?
Anger is not you, but we are taught incorrectly. Our courses show you how to rid yourselves of it completely themarriagefoundation.org/ and the courses are a zero risk proposition
You have to pray for their salvation and spiritual maturity every day. Don't give up, God can surely change anyone. One day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now, so much less angry. Do try this for your spouse , it should help save your marriage.
That is good advice...AND, learn how to gain the promises of marriage in other practical ways, too. 😇
@@TheMarriageFoundation 🤔🙏👍
7:25 😂