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agree! I like this video but it seemed a little abstract, and it would be helpful to hear examples and actual scenarios. Like "this is how a secure couple works this problem vs this is what happens in codependence or counterdependence or with DAs or with FAs or with Anxious partners."
Think what might be helpful is to play out a scenario where you can look at it from 3 perspectives (DA/Secure/AP). Some event occurs, then model how a triggered DA would react, a triggered AP would react, then how secure get through it (which would teach both opposite ends where the gap is). Hope that made sense.
7 components of what a Securely Attached Relationship looks Like. #1 Complete Interdependency #2 Being able to hash things out and work through them #3 Being able to emotionally regulate #4 Being able to have the capacity to trust #5 Being able to have healthy boundries and a sence of trust #6 Being able to support oneanother #7 Being able to be vulnerable
I noticed that as I'm becoming more secure, the insecurely attached friends and family in my life are almost off putting to me. I get really impatient with them. And while I now have a better understanding of their experience, I also feel like there's less common ground. Especially when I get the feeling that they're not interested in working on themselves. Has anyone else experienced this?
Yes and no. I do feel like we have less common ground and I want to surround myself more with those who are actively working on themselves. However I do not feel impatient with them. I feel empathy and understanding. With that, I've let some people go that I no longer relate to or display toxic behaviors.
Yes I know that feeling. For me it’s their choice to heal or not but when they would rather stay as they are it kills the ability to work on a healthy relationship. 😢
Fantastic video!! Going from the comment section in most of your videos, I truly don't think the majority of people understand what being a secure attachment actually is. Thank you. ❤❤❤
Yes! I am securely attached, but I fell in love with a dismissive avoidant and he fooled me for years. He was in it and I actually appreciated the space he gave me because of my previous relationship. I was smothered so that’s where I was a little bit fooled because I didn’t see the signs because apparently it worked for me until it didn’t. Please do more on maybe how a secure attached person could fall in love with a dismissive avoidant that showed up for period of time and then you hang onto that love but when you begin to self sacrifice, you have to get out! I had a lot of death in the family so I clung onto him. He was family.💔
I totally relate. I've done a lot of healing work on myself and am now more securely attached. But I have fallen for an FA that has triggered my AP tendencies big time. How was I even attracted to such an insecurely attached person after ALL the hard work I've done on myself???
Thank you for all of your insightful wonderful content. Until two months ago I didn’t know that attachment styles even existed. Your videos have help me through the worst break up of my life. I’m an AP and my fearful avoidant ex ghosted me.
Two things I'd love to understand more: Power struggles and also, menopause * How do stable relationships go through the power struggle of a relationship. You point out in so many videos what good/stable traits are, but how does this work out with a stable attachment in the power struggle, with say another stable, a FA or DA, or AP, for that matter. Maybe examples of the power struggle, good and bad, as this is where most have issues in relationships. * How does menopause affect all of this? Especially with an avoidant where society today women have so many options to just get their needs met elsewhere, they don't need a single man for anything it seems postmenopause, and can just blow everything off/numb themselves in the options out there. There seems to be so much limited information on the topic. What about dating during menopause for the man and woman perspectives. What if this coincides with a power struggle. I've purchased your program in the past. Any options you have to make it more widely available/cheaper for returning users in today's economy?
as a longtime FA who is hyper independent as a coping strategy, content like this is very very helpful for me! it helps me understand how to get to the other side of relating
I used to make the mistake of getting into a relationship and then just focusing on that. In all fairness, growing up, my family drama made me just focus on them.
Something you said that was poetic with the timing of this video was the ability to communicate. I've had three different marriage proposals (the women were NOT getting on one knee, just wanting to take things there) and I've always asked the HARD questions. My dating coach always told me he liked my line of thinking in that regard. Communicating expectations is key. That said, my current FA and I have been discussing marriage and although I'd like to marry her, our goals aren't currently aligned. I have so much I want to accomplish over the next several years (expanding my business, buying property, investing, etc) and I'm unsure as to whether or not she'll be able to handle me pursuing all of that. We decided to return to being platonic and revisiting the idea in several years, which I project is when I'll be successful in expanding my business. As great as she is, I don't want her to be in the wrong relationship.
Thank you for all of your thoughtful shares and ongoing comments/support of this channel! I love that you understand how important communication is and that you were able to lay everything out on the table with full transparency to her!
Respect to you for standing on business. Your happiness is as important as hers. Do you have any fears about the decision, and how do you deal with them internally?
@@HustleHabit thanks for your comment. I don't have any fears about the decision because I know it was the right one. She's been a great friend over the past 10 years and I definitely want to maintain that with her. I should mention we never officially dated, but she suggested getting married because we know everything about each other. I love her in such a way that I'd rather see her truly happy with someone else than just somewhat happy with me. From an internal perspective, I remember the other two women who (figuratively) proposed to me. They had a very similar pattern and it taught me to be three steps ahead when making a decision like marriage. Here are the three stories that helped me shape my decision: The first was when I quit my job and went to pursue becoming a self employed personal trainer. My gf at the time was supportive at first, but ended up resenting me because I was "gone all the time" and "never spent time with her (all of which was a lie btw)." I had to end things after a while because she was becoming more and more resentful to the point I didn't even want to answer the phone when she called. The last straw was when she threw a tantrum at a restaurant I took her to yelling and cussing at me over the menu (as if I had something to do with that). 🙄 The second woman was about two years ago. She too was supportive and even built my website for me. At the time I was training people in fitness during the day and teaching small group martial art classes at night. I also hosted self defense seminars all over my city and beyond. However, when I discussed my plans to expand and create a boutique style martial art school (a school with 150-200 members) she came out as a Marxist/communist who hated capitalism and resented me for wanting to become rich. She even cursed me out when I talked about my plans to become a multimillionaire by the age of 55 (I'm in my 30s). Like the previous ex, I had to cut my losses and walk away. This current friend of mine is supportive and has even invested in my business. However, I see that she wants a simpler life (nothing wrong with that btw). I see myself flying in a private jet, traveling, and hosting self defense seminars all over the world. All the while I plan on selling courses and books on self defense, writing and selling fiction horror novels, and investing in assets that will give me passive income. This may be more than she can handle, so I'm keeping things platonic for now. But who knows? She may decide she wants more someday and we'll get married. 🤷🏿♂️ Sorry for the long explanation, but I hope it helps. I should point out that my first two exes were AP and my friend is FA. You have to do what's right for you no matter what the consequences and since I've always gone after what I want, I have no regrets. As Bruno Mars sang, "oh every time I close my eyes. I see my name in shiny lights. A different city every night oh I, I swear... The world better prepare, for when I'm a billionaire!" ~ Bruno Mars, Billionaire
@@sifublack192 I appreciate the thorough response. Through my experience in life, everything comes at a cost. All three situations have issues that stem from values. They had theirs on relationship, while yours may be more on personal growth. Their reactions to those differences may have been AP based, but they seem more like a lack of class. I can't speak on how they were showing up in other scenarios. If they were that supportive of your growth in business, they probably wanted you to be that supportive in their growth of relationship. Just a thought.
@@HustleHabit it doesn't sound like they were supportive of his business at all though. It sounds like they thought they should be prioritized over his goals. In that case, they're in the wrong relationship.
Get personalized courses, live webinars & Q&As, and more for free for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?TS1Lm7s5LQ&el=youtube
I would love more content about secure attachment and securely attached relationships.
agree! I like this video but it seemed a little abstract, and it would be helpful to hear examples and actual scenarios. Like "this is how a secure couple works this problem vs this is what happens in codependence or counterdependence or with DAs or with FAs or with Anxious partners."
Think what might be helpful is to play out a scenario where you can look at it from 3 perspectives (DA/Secure/AP). Some event occurs, then model how a triggered DA would react, a triggered AP would react, then how secure get through it (which would teach both opposite ends where the gap is).
Hope that made sense.
I second this!!
Love this idea sooo much! I will 100% be doing this and recording throughout the month of September :)
7 components of what a Securely Attached Relationship looks Like.
#1 Complete Interdependency
#2 Being able to hash things out and work through them
#3 Being able to emotionally regulate
#4 Being able to have the capacity to trust
#5 Being able to have healthy boundries and a sence of trust
#6 Being able to support oneanother
#7 Being able to be vulnerable
I noticed that as I'm becoming more secure, the insecurely attached friends and family in my life are almost off putting to me. I get really impatient with them. And while I now have a better understanding of their experience, I also feel like there's less common ground. Especially when I get the feeling that they're not interested in working on themselves.
Has anyone else experienced this?
I totally relate. i always imagine me such people like small kids then.. at least it helps to forgive their immature reaction to healthy talk then.
Yes and no. I do feel like we have less common ground and I want to surround myself more with those who are actively working on themselves. However I do not feel impatient with them. I feel empathy and understanding. With that, I've let some people go that I no longer relate to or display toxic behaviors.
Yes I know that feeling. For me it’s their choice to heal or not but when they would rather stay as they are it kills the ability to work on a healthy relationship. 😢
Yes! My experience exactly!
Fantastic video!! Going from the comment section in most of your videos, I truly don't think the majority of people understand what being a secure attachment actually is. Thank you. ❤❤❤
Thank you LeeChrissy!
Yes! I am securely attached, but I fell in love with a dismissive avoidant and he fooled me for years. He was in it and I actually appreciated the space he gave me because of my previous relationship. I was smothered so that’s where I was a little bit fooled because I didn’t see the signs because apparently it worked for me until it didn’t. Please do more on maybe how a secure attached person could fall in love with a dismissive avoidant that showed up for period of time and then you hang onto that love but when you begin to self sacrifice, you have to get out! I had a lot of death in the family so I clung onto him. He was family.💔
I totally relate. I've done a lot of healing work on myself and am now more securely attached. But I have fallen for an FA that has triggered my AP tendencies big time. How was I even attracted to such an insecurely attached person after ALL the hard work I've done on myself???
More secure videos!!!!!
Thank you for all of your insightful wonderful content. Until two months ago I didn’t know that attachment styles even existed. Your videos have help me through the worst break up of my life. I’m an AP and my fearful avoidant ex ghosted me.
As a FA - videos like these are priceless as inspiration into how we would want to get to
Two things I'd love to understand more:
Power struggles and also, menopause
* How do stable relationships go through the power struggle of a relationship. You point out in so many videos what good/stable traits are, but how does this work out with a stable attachment in the power struggle, with say another stable, a FA or DA, or AP, for that matter. Maybe examples of the power struggle, good and bad, as this is where most have issues in relationships.
* How does menopause affect all of this? Especially with an avoidant where society today women have so many options to just get their needs met elsewhere, they don't need a single man for anything it seems postmenopause, and can just blow everything off/numb themselves in the options out there. There seems to be so much limited information on the topic. What about dating during menopause for the man and woman perspectives. What if this coincides with a power struggle.
I've purchased your program in the past. Any options you have to make it more widely available/cheaper for returning users in today's economy?
SO glad you raised the menopause question. Middle aged dating/relationships are a whole different ball game.
as a longtime FA who is hyper independent as a coping strategy, content like this is very very helpful for me! it helps me understand how to get to the other side of relating
I'm so happy to hear that Alicia
Sounds ideal. I'm healing-FA and want love and fear it, but if this balance, grace, and respect were present, I would want it.
very good video , please make a lot of videos on how to search , build and sustain healthy secure relationships
Definitely helpful! Share more please&Thank you for all you already share!❤
I used to make the mistake of getting into a relationship and then just focusing on that. In all fairness, growing up, my family drama made me just focus on them.
Something you said that was poetic with the timing of this video was the ability to communicate. I've had three different marriage proposals (the women were NOT getting on one knee, just wanting to take things there) and I've always asked the HARD questions. My dating coach always told me he liked my line of thinking in that regard. Communicating expectations is key.
That said, my current FA and I have been discussing marriage and although I'd like to marry her, our goals aren't currently aligned. I have so much I want to accomplish over the next several years (expanding my business, buying property, investing, etc) and I'm unsure as to whether or not she'll be able to handle me pursuing all of that. We decided to return to being platonic and revisiting the idea in several years, which I project is when I'll be successful in expanding my business. As great as she is, I don't want her to be in the wrong relationship.
Thank you for all of your thoughtful shares and ongoing comments/support of this channel! I love that you understand how important communication is and that you were able to lay everything out on the table with full transparency to her!
Respect to you for standing on business. Your happiness is as important as hers. Do you have any fears about the decision, and how do you deal with them internally?
@@HustleHabit thanks for your comment. I don't have any fears about the decision because I know it was the right one. She's been a great friend over the past 10 years and I definitely want to maintain that with her. I should mention we never officially dated, but she suggested getting married because we know everything about each other. I love her in such a way that I'd rather see her truly happy with someone else than just somewhat happy with me.
From an internal perspective, I remember the other two women who (figuratively) proposed to me. They had a very similar pattern and it taught me to be three steps ahead when making a decision like marriage. Here are the three stories that helped me shape my decision:
The first was when I quit my job and went to pursue becoming a self employed personal trainer. My gf at the time was supportive at first, but ended up resenting me because I was "gone all the time" and "never spent time with her (all of which was a lie btw)." I had to end things after a while because she was becoming more and more resentful to the point I didn't even want to answer the phone when she called. The last straw was when she threw a tantrum at a restaurant I took her to yelling and cussing at me over the menu (as if I had something to do with that). 🙄
The second woman was about two years ago. She too was supportive and even built my website for me. At the time I was training people in fitness during the day and teaching small group martial art classes at night. I also hosted self defense seminars all over my city and beyond. However, when I discussed my plans to expand and create a boutique style martial art school (a school with 150-200 members) she came out as a Marxist/communist who hated capitalism and resented me for wanting to become rich. She even cursed me out when I talked about my plans to become a multimillionaire by the age of 55 (I'm in my 30s). Like the previous ex, I had to cut my losses and walk away.
This current friend of mine is supportive and has even invested in my business. However, I see that she wants a simpler life (nothing wrong with that btw). I see myself flying in a private jet, traveling, and hosting self defense seminars all over the world. All the while I plan on selling courses and books on self defense, writing and selling fiction horror novels, and investing in assets that will give me passive income. This may be more than she can handle, so I'm keeping things platonic for now. But who knows? She may decide she wants more someday and we'll get married. 🤷🏿♂️
Sorry for the long explanation, but I hope it helps. I should point out that my first two exes were AP and my friend is FA. You have to do what's right for you no matter what the consequences and since I've always gone after what I want, I have no regrets. As Bruno Mars sang, "oh every time I close my eyes. I see my name in shiny lights. A different city every night oh I, I swear... The world better prepare, for when I'm a billionaire!" ~ Bruno Mars, Billionaire
@@sifublack192 I appreciate the thorough response. Through my experience in life, everything comes at a cost. All three situations have issues that stem from values. They had theirs on relationship, while yours may be more on personal growth. Their reactions to those differences may have been AP based, but they seem more like a lack of class. I can't speak on how they were showing up in other scenarios. If they were that supportive of your growth in business, they probably wanted you to be that supportive in their growth of relationship. Just a thought.
@@HustleHabit it doesn't sound like they were supportive of his business at all though. It sounds like they thought they should be prioritized over his goals. In that case, they're in the wrong relationship.
Random but I love the shape of your head
This just made me laugh. 😂
You speak too fast. I unsubscribe and go back to Tim Fletcher's videos.