Family Secrets -- Analyzing a Taboo Topic
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
- www.wildtruth.net I was raised to treat family secrets as sacred -- and to protect the disturbing behavior of my parents above all else. But what I have learned, and explore here, is that we are only as sick as our secrets…
Daniel. As a white PhD Biopsychologist who is 66 and considered disabled I finally realize how sick my family was and how it profoundly it affected me and my entire life. They all blamed me as the sick one and I was labeled and heavily medicated and when I started to try to talk about it I was further victimized by the psych profession. My parents never really spoke to me about the really important things in life. I can finally actually identify with someone. Thank you for having the insight and profound courage to speak up. My parents are both dead now and my sister who is a therapist no longer speaks to me when I tried to bring up any of the issues you talk about. Please continue to make your videos. They are now the only thing I can identify with. Peace to you.
Zel, you're not alone. I hope you are able to heal as you enjoy Daniel's videos as I find myself doing. I'm very sorry to hear your sister will not speak with you. I hope this changes soon. Best of luck to you and may you find peace of your own.
Thank you and good on you, Zel, for sharing your experience.
By the way, the fact that your sister refuses to speak to you (let alone *with* you) about these issues means that she does not respect and value your boundaries and your valid feelings. It shows that she is not as evolved as you are and she has probably done you a favour in that she cannot dismiss or minimise your feelings in a convo.
(I do wonder how she can provide a positive contribution within one of the so-called 'helping' professions😕).
All the best to you.
You might find some of Richard Grannon's videos interesting as well.
Nicely said.
At 50, dead parents, grandparents, and over 29 psych meds later (ZERO finally) I too, am realizing this stuff. I am finally growing.
@@debbie7648 Many "therapist" are in fact narcissisit!...
The family unit is really the closest thing to a cult in many cases.
Correct
Healthy family is a tribe or a team and toxic family is a cult
Agreed
One word…yellow stone.
The patterns of behaviors are the same
Sadly, that's probably all families to one degree or another. What's worse is that the child often internalizes their family's shame and guilt and starts feeling ashamed and guilty merely for experiencing mistreatment (victim guilt).
Great video, Daniel!
-Darius
Who else wants to go out and get a coffee with Daniel and just talk about anything? I feel like binge watching his channel.
yes😂😊
"they don't like me becoming healthy"
I can relate to this, I wish my family would get healthy themselves too.
YES!! We become the odd outsider for being healthy even if their friends workout or take care of their bodies.
They also don't like you becoming honest, which is part of being healthy. As I've become much more authentic and genuine, I've learned that authenticity scares away many people, not just family members.
Daniel once again SO ON THE MARK DUDE!!! You are just an awesome human!!! Thank you for honoring yourself above all! The world is a better place because of what you have to say and offer. You are a visionary.
I think a lot of people were raised like this. I thought it was all normal at the time.
Exactly.
It was pretty much the twisted way of being " beated to grow strong".
I remmember mother saying it out loud - "shoot up and swallow your tears or I'm going to give you REALLY reason to cry."
Crazy bitch.
Narcisistic parents. I ended up in a foster family and the family secrets kept goin on...🙄
Yeah the average person has no idea how to deal with the way they feel and no awareness of how it effects those around them
Sometimes emotional abuse hurts even more than physical
With physical you can see the cuts and bruises and eventually the scars fade.
However emotional scarring is not obvious and you have to become really good at masking things and hiding the truth.
It's almost like living a double life.
Great video Daniel.
Sending all positive vibes and a huge virtual hug
elblondie69 falconer
Yeah but most physical abuse is emotional abuse
It’s very rare that the two aren’t mixed when someone is physically abusing another person
I didn’t see it at all!!! It was so covert!!!
At least you knew your family secrets.
My mother hid the fact that our grandfather (her father) was not her real dad, and that my grandmother had a first marriage.
My uncle, her younger brother by 8 years, wasn't even told she was only his half sister until someone else in the family accidentally slipped up a couple years ago. If not for him finally finding this out in his 60s, she may have never told us, and took the secret to her grave!!
I think that’s a fairly common occurrence. Off the Top of my head I can tell you 4 stories within my own family.
My great grandfather was raised by his grandparents as their own child.
My husbands grandmother had a child during the war who she had adopted.
My husbands grandfather has a daughter who he had with a side fling and was born the same year as his auntie.
My husbands other grandfather had 2 sets of children with other women that he kept secret.
It happens in many family’s.
I wish you were my therapist. Just by listening to your voice I’m feeling better.
It's like families are tiny little North Koreas where you can't speak about them and not try to go that outside of them.
Lol when i think about my family, i often think to myself "it's like being born into north Korea - if you try to leave, you risk being murdered".
My grand daughters are told not to talk about anything that happens in their house outside the house...
My wife's family has the same problem. They couldn't admit that her father was an alcoholic who threw away an entire career, was a serial adulterer, who lied continuously while pretending that he was a genius ( in his own mind). It was only after my wife's mother died that we forced her father to face the truth. My wife's father and I yelled at each other for 10 minutes. And those in 10 minutes I told him everything I knew about him and the torture he put his family through. That changed our relationship forever. No more lies, no more pretending. He lives in the world of the denial. The power of denial is incredible, now that's a topic for a video Daniel !!!
Yeah a video on denial.
I have an ongoing case with an abuser and a couple people seem totally unable to admit that all the shit they witness firsthand is bad !!! Yet they post pro-union and pro-empathy messages on FB. 🤯
And this rather self-centered guy who escaped most of the abuse and is convinced it is only as bad as he had it. 🙄
This video gave me so much insight. I've been no contact with my mother and 10 of my 12 siblings for about 7 years now. I, like you, would feel awkward to ever see them again. I'm glad you made these connections at a young age. I was 52 when I finally walked away. Good for you Daniel.
I spoke about my parents arguments to a very wise friend right next door, a wonderful smart young lady my same age, around 9 or 10, over 50yrs ago. She said matter-of-factly, "see all those doors on all those houses?" sure, I replied. "Same shit different circumstances going on behind each one" Her insight helped me see things in a different perspective and not internalize their problems, clearly I was not alone in this world. Dysufuctional families are the crux of the problems for so many adults today. Its sad when people live with a fog of shame around them, keeping secrets for no reason whatsoever. Telling the truth not only clears the air allowing us to feel the love and beauty the world has to offer, it clears the way for us to add to it.
You are the most relatable person I’ve ever come across on RUclips. I am studying to become a LMFT, but also getting my life coaching certification because I despise traditional therapy. I came from a toxic family where I was/am essentially the “scapegoat.” Only my brother came out normal and I can only have a healthy relationship with him. Anyways, my family pain caused years of severe depression, marrying a person with npd, abuse that led to ptsd. Eventually I was saved by a life coach and supportive people that I could vent these “family secrets”. I’ve always been drawn to help people, but I really do feel like my pain is my purpose and I want to teach other people the tools I’ve learned. It’s completely changed my life for the better although my family except my brother “hates” me for being so honest and real and tries to silence me.
Didn’t finish that sentence. My family may hate me, but being my authentic self is the only way I can heal. I’ve learned there are people that love and appreciate me for being myself, and I’m still learning my own self worth, but it’s worth the pain and I refuse to live covering up those secrets and lies because that only leads to more pain. Unfortunately some of us are born into families that don’t value and validate us, but I also feel like this has given me a high level of empathy for others and made me seek authentic connections.
Yas. It truly can't keep thr family happy (ie. anticipate problems and constantly double-checking with them so I don't offend anyone) and live my life. I did terrible things like watching my food intake and weight lifting, refusing a date, going for a career, etc.
@@saraH-yu1mx I resonated with every word you wrote!!! Thank you for sharing. Your wounds are your gifts and you will have soooo much compassion and wisdom to share with clients ❤. I only had a healthy loving relationship with my brother too. I'm a therapist and getting my life coach certification at this time for the same reasons you mentioned. I'm glad we survived and are thriving with a heart to still serve others despite our early family traumas.
How could you trust anyone after that? It’s hard.
It's like your telling my story... just in a better way than I every could :D Thank you for your work!
FrankenspotterVideos True!! Thank you Daniel you’re a God send!!
I hear you
Another one is: "our secrets keep us sick."
Thankyou for shedding light and giving voice to what many of us have gone thru and may still be reluctant to reveal.
As a society we are slowly working our way towards health, emotional, physical, all sorts of health.
You are an amazing guy, insightful well read genuine self reflective, handsome and refreshingly authentic in a fake world. Thank you for your videos.
Daniel, your videos are pure gold. Thank you.
The simplest answer to avoid childhood trauma is to not reproduce...
As long as it's a individual choice and not forced on others, go ahead
My Mother was a revelutionary(prob spelled wrong) She told it like it was as LOUD as she wanted to!! She dnt CARE about the neighbors or ANYONE else hearing ANYTHING!! I get my outspoken ness from her!! My family was quite dysfunctional, the emotional pain i have is tremendous!! Ive had years of therapy and 29 years of Alanon and counting! The reason I'm able to play the Piano with the depth of emotion that i do is layer upon layer of negativity hurt and dysfunction all starting pretty much inutero. I'm a lifer work in progress....... I love your work!!
Wow the overuse of !!! Is wild
I just wonder if anyone arrives to adulthood wondering what the heck happened? Like engaging in self destructive behavior and not have a clue why? Family dynamics keep us in the dark. The thing I could never understand is my family watched me suffer and no one really helped. Just lots of trips to psychiatrists to "fix me."
Same and then acting glib as to how i ended up so lost and confused. Always another medication and more clueless, phony support involving nothing but pity and more meds.
Some family relatives got irritated by my sadness, you'd swear I was the reason for that.
A family of choice is oh so sweet... You have an amazing knack of explaining and talking about family dynamics that really need to be discussed. They really do. Your honesty is so powerfully appealing and so delightful. It's not always easy to share, but it is how we heal. Look after yourself beautiful man.
Thank you for sharing your experience. In my family there were no arguments. My parents didn’t ever argue. We were a large family with five children, my maternal grandparents lived with us as well. There was a real lack of communication as we were told to not speak unless we were spoken to. When I was sexually abused, I didn’t say anything. Worse, when I did have a breakdown and I did tell, my mother was shocked and my dad wouldn’t talk with me about it. Two of the abusers were relatives from dads side, the third was a neighbor. My mother asked me, “how could so and so do that?” I cannot imagine how I was expected to remotely answer for an abuser. She did believe me but, was incapable of helping. So, I voluntarily committed myself to the mental health section of a nearby hospital. While there, my mother visited and asked me to repeat the story of my abuse. It was the last time i discussed it with her. Dad never visited or acknowledged my mental breakdown. Mom has passed. To this day, my dad wants to know why I didn’t speak up. How does a four year old talk about sexual abuse? His favorite niece was my abuser at age four. She’s eight years older. Dad still socializes with her. When I have told him how much that hurts me, he yells that I cannot tell him what he can or cannot do. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ I have had to set up a barrier between he and I. It is too hurtful and I feel betrayed. I’ve read books on how to keep strong and true to myself. It is still difficult. With the support of my husband and two adult children I move forward as much as I can. Again, thank you for your shared experience. It helps me not feel alone or guilty.
I can tell you why your dad still socializes with his favorite niece after he knew that she had abused you>>> but you might not like it....
i cant wait to see this guy's new videos every time i log in
Ra Lu ME too.
LOVE your mind, Daniel. It is really difficult, even if necessary, to lose the family. Choosing truth over lies has been ridiculously painful because my parents were central in my life. I have had that same experience in varying degrees with my family members and had to move away from that system.
As inner work unfolds and one starts to see the deeper truths, one quite naively just believes that everyone will want to see it. Right!
Conversely, it cause me to have to always try to look at the truth even when it is not what I want to see at all. As layers of lies are stripped away it just hurts. . . bad. In this sense, I can have at least a modicum of compassion and empathy for the rampant ignorance in our world.
Spot on, as usual, Daniel. My mom has changed but still has a lot of denial. My siblings and I can talk about it and agree our family was dysfunctional. We only disagree on "how" dysfunctional. It affected each of my siblings in different ways. I'm the only one in recovery, but I also seemed to be affected the most. Thanks again for your videos. Much needed in today's society. Keep up the good work!
Daniel,
Your videos speak to me in a way that I am just now beginning to be able to make sense of. I'm almost 28 and I have also hitchhiked up part of the west coast of the United States and backpacked through a portion of South America between the ages of 22-26.
What you describe in your videos exactly reflects the healing journey I am on. I have noticed many of the topics you discuss in your videos, especially when it comes to undoing all these strange expectations and delusions of "social reality" .( AKA what was shoved down my throat by via an unhealthy environment growing up in suburban America.)
Being invited into peoples homes and even dating people from other culture has really opened my mind to the twisted environment of my childhood. I have come to realize that many people won't or will never get the chance to step out of their perspective. What surprises me is how many people in academic fields, workplaces, management ,who are considered leaders and authority figures, profess upon things they do not have a well-rounded understanding of and are never challenged in any meaningful way and have acted vindictively when I have fought back.
So far I have realized through self reflection that, It takes a hell of a lot of effort to acknowledge where my own toxic behaviors stem from, let alone realize how being open about it makes you vulnerable to those who are uncomfortable exerting this degree of honesty. In my experience Toxic people are usually those with power over others and are somehow able to somehow maintain an air of cocksuredness in their expectations in how they approach relationships, children, work and politics.
I have tried therapy several times with different individuals to sort through the mess of my child hood only to realize, how you mentioned in one of your videos, that many of these people studying to be counselors have never even felt the tidal wave of their own traumas. Yet they are somehow in a position to give advice? For the longest time I was being convinced that I had a problem empathizing with others, that I was arrogant, and was a product of an ADHD brain. In reality, I'm starting to think that these labels were the easiest ways to invalidate my feelings and criticisms of how absurd society is and my interactions with other people have been.
I appreciate your content and hope to see much more from you in the future.
Edit- I was very emotional when I wrote the first draft and just threw up my feeling and thoughts. I thought it could use some light editing. For the sake of posterity.
Much Love,
SMS
It’s crazy as humans we have made so many technological advancements, yet we all still lack the one true basic skill and that is communication. Through egos and grudges and all kinds of outside manipulations and propaganda we assume so much about one another and lack basic conversation skills and it’s not healthy at all. This texting is good but also very bad because it’s even further diminishing our communicating with one another. We’re all guilty to this and once you realize it truly helps both sides when having rational open minded conversations instead of letting the media and government divide us into all these different groups and then create hostility towards each other, we as humans are better than this. Please be kind and open minded and you will see you and everyone around you will feel better. This is a fast paced dog eat dog world and if you let it, it will consume you and all your being...
I agree .. the industrial revolution has even further made humans uncommunicative.
There are just no words that can describe how much your videos have done for me. It could not have been easy to be so utterly truthful about your own story. Just know that whatever you are doing, your videos are making lots of positive impact on people’s life.
Thanks Alice :)
@@dmackler58Have you ever read about the late author Elizabeth Wurtzel and how she learned about her family secret?
@@NJGuy1973I just looked her up and saw that she found out that her dad was not who she thought he was. But I didn't read how she found out this information.... I tried to find out but couldn't...
@@dmackler58You ever heard of The Shrink Next Door? She was his patient as a teen.
WOW. Daniel touches on so many points that are so accurate and typical of emotionally broken families.
Could very well be the wokest chap on the tube
It seems to me that using that word so frequently these days (I see it in the comments of every other video, just about) has made it completely lose its meaning. I mean, to be really awake in this deeply unconscious and corrupt society is profoundly rare, yet by the comments on youtube you'd think that almost everyone are and that we're living in an enlightened society (while the current state of the world shows the exact opposite, that we're deeply conditioned, lulled and dulled, caring mostly about our personal pleasures and trashing the whole planet in the process, yet simultaneously telling ourselves that we're so woke).
I think a little perspective and humility is in order before using this word so easily.
Awakening is not a hobby, my friend.
It's a radical reframing of your entire existence.
It's the devastation of the dreamer.
And in the rubble,
such intensity.
Such ferocity.
Such light.
Agreed. I’m a counselor and frequently think back to Daniel’s insights about life and he is spot on.
Baqsam I would put my vote in for that! The most awakened person on you tube!
@@Daniel-pr4uk I think jung said something about "the modern man rarely considers himself modern to avoid being associated with the people who consider themselves modern..." Not exact words, but seems to refer to the same thing.
@L N i dont like teal swan's strange cultish new agey vibes :S
Everything you have done for yourself to heal is now helping thousands of others heal. Thank you🙏🙏
Super resonates...parallels and illuminates my own history in many ways. Thank you
I have been very very lucky to know you Daniel. Knowing you is the best thing that has happened in the last decade of my life. I really can't appreciate you enough.
At 6:00, when Daniel says, "I had no experience talking about insecurities" - same! This was a new language for me. I recently had to tell a friend, who is learning Spanish via Duolingo (the language learning app), "therapy for me is the Duolingo of self-development because I'm learning a (an emotional) language that was never taught to me by my parents - what I feel, how to talk about how I feel, and how to talk to others".
It's embarrassing to realize how long I've gone in life without knowing this. Looking back, I'm seeing how feral I used to be, and I'm seeing that still in my parents - just emotionally immature and emotionally illiterate. I'm also now seeing how many secrets were in my family and how normalized that was. Just sickening and videos like this just affirm that.
Thank you for your videos, Daniel. I've been watching your videos only recently but everything I've seen so far has such a deep ring of truth and grace to it.
Daniel your hands speak volumes. They so perfectly underscore your words.
After binging on his videos for the last couple weeks I feel this was one of the best. I can relate to the descriptions of his families dysfunction, how that damaged his development, and his insight into how opening up about these things can be very healing.
Sooo relatable... as a kid i talked a lot about the abuse I was going through and people really didn’t know how to react... I’m sorry you had to go through that
Is a video about dealing with anger something you would consider? Look forward to your content no matter the subject. You deal with emotions on each video, but anger is something people seem to be struggling with a lot, especially lately. People need understanding where it comes from and how to deal with it in a healthy way.
I'm not daniel but this might help.
I feel that anger comes from a point where one feels like there being no other way to deal with the situation. In other similar words, it's coming from a place where one feels to have no other way out than to be angry. I see anger as a last and desperate option, when there are no others. Maybe it's something you'll see once you find other ways to deal with a situation, that you'll become angry less and less till you don't need it anymore.
things like asserting your feelings, stating your truths, validating yourself, setting boundaries and learning how to healthily communicate should help.
Goodluck!
I was pleasantly surprised to see how much nicer people were in the general world than my family. It was a great relief that life didn't have to be as hard as my family had made it. Only as sick as my secrets, what a great saying Thanks.
Daniel, I would love to have a cup of my finest tea with you someday.
Thanks for filling me with the gentle glory of understanding that my inner child was right, and she was lied to and sold down the river to serve the delusions of avoidant sickos.
Familysecrets don't help the family either. It's all based on fear. It takes courage to become honest and start your healing process. I know all about the rejection and denial and it takes a lot of patience and self-love to become healthy again! (or, actually for the first time after being born, so an actual rebirth!).
God sure blessed me! My parents have been married for 52 years and I still haven't heard them argue once! Always imagined it would have been the same for me and my ex. However, she came from a sick family and although her mother recognizes it now and has givin wonderful support to me so I can facilitate a good relationship with her and her grandchild since the divorce of her child years ago, knowing that the situation she raised her child in caused many of the problems leading to her child's, (My ex's) actions that led to our current situation, I have purposely chosen to stay single so as not to cause anymore problems for our child as I know my ex is already living in a sick family again and our child has to deal with it now and again. I make sure and give our child the stable home needed.
When i was 14,my friend came over which was rare because i normally wouldnt invite anyone to the house,on this particular night my parents got into a huge fight (which was the norm) my dad punched my mum in face,at the time we were upstairs listening to my parents going crazy,i decided my friend should leave,we came down stairs terrified,bearing in mind this girl was an only child from a very secure family where arguments were non existant.upon going into the kitchen my dad literally had foam comming from his mouth,and my mum was hanging over the sink with bloody pissing out of her eye,there was blood all over the kitchen floor and a huge hole in the kitchen door.the next day my friend went to school and told everybody,the humiliation of it was awful because now they knew! Needless to say my friend never came to the house again,and she slowly drifted out of my life after that event.
hi Justine -- I just read your comments -- so intense. you are so honest. I don't know exactly what to say, but just wanted to say that I admire your bravery. greetings to you---Daniel
@@dmackler58 thanks for the reply,really wasnt expecting one,so that felt good.i could tell you numerous incidents like the one above ,i wished i lived closer to you to speak face to face.i live in the uk u see...but ive ordered your book👍
THANK YOU! Thank you for sharing your story, your truth. I get so much from it and I feel less alone. I don’t yet have caring friends but this can change as I open up more my truth! Very grateful to you!
I remember my mother bringing up an incident with one of my friends with a kind decent mother who fled from my screaming drunken mother during a sleepover. She called her a primadonna. My only other close childhood friend had a homelife even more horrific than mine so my "mother" didn't bother her. My friend once told me her father was beating her with a belt and I told her that was terrible but never brought it up again.
Daniel, this video speaks for many of us suffering in our paths, its exaftly what i needed. You are such an honest person! Thank you for sharing!
About 5 years ago I started to research my paternal family on my grandfathers side who originally came from former Yugoslavia to Australia. I researched national archive records and asked extended family in Australia about information they knew. I was shocked at their response and how badly I was treated. Mocked and treated with suspicion. It put me off for a long time but i have realised that it's their own fear of perhaps family secrets being revealed. So I have decided to embark on this again but start to research the family who remained in what is now Croatia. Thank you for this video about family secrets. It is unhealthy and not OK to subject children to this.
It's awesome that you could see this, but there is going to be a point to forgive your parents and see them as broken as you are. This is part of your healing, and leave the hurts behind. GOD bless
He is not as broke as they are, he broke the cycle they still cling on to delusions. He is allowed to have some sympathy for that after he is far away from them in order to move on for myself. BUT HE is certainly not as broken as they are, that's just not true and victim blaming.
@@anz10 Agree with you.
It is pretty obvious that Daniel has 'forgiven' his FOO (family of origin) which does not mean he has condoned their behaviour.
Also, Daniel has processed the hurt which leads to emotional health. He has not 'swept it under the rug' as we are conditioned to do which often leads to emotional/mental illness.
All the best to you, anz.
@@debbie7648 all the best to you too Debbie ! He worked on himself but they didn't work on themselves and probably never will, therein lies the big difference :) :) all the best :D
I was positioned as the scapegoat for the burden of family secrets.
So true and beautifully said Daniel!
Thank you for sharing!
boy,you're a pleasure to listen to. well done and thank-you.
Thank you for talking about these things. Time to break the silence.
I love your sincerity. I too, am a truth teller. I just don’t want to have fake, shallow relationships. However, when it comes to revealing the hidden things and calling out the people in those relationships they aren’t as receptive as you have experienced. I find people want to shove down the ugly and let’s pretend it doesn’t exist. But, there is no healing in that. I want healing.
Watch John Cassavetes' "A Woman Under the Influence" and you'll see what families can do to people.
Like all group formations, families are narcissistic structures based on silenced allegiances and codes; whichever member challenges that silence and divulges it outside the group will soon be labelled as eccentric, strange or downright crazy. Families do that to keep their internal narcissistic cohesion.
This is so true, thank you for confirming what I have come to realise later in my life. It’s taken along time to realise how the people you believe love you actually don’t know how to love at all. Unfortunately we can take these patterns into our future relationships & cause problems for our own children. Never doubt your own feelings about emotional things. & keep working on yourself when you know something hasn’t been right.
Respect for talking about it. I cen relate to that. I remember that my house and my friend house were disturbed, but we didnt talk about it(we are both ACoA). We were supposed to repeat the same patterns, behave in the same unhealthy way. It was better to became an addict, becouse it served family well, or sick. But to talk about it. We were miserable, depressed, but blamed ourselves. It was pretty sick. One "friend" attacked me for talking bad about my mother. And my brother always is getting angry when I question them. My sister thinks that I am arrogant. And my brother that I am sick, and that I really need this meds that I stopped taking. All the same shit. But they all "love" me at the same time. Sure.
love your content :)
You explain this very well and also shared insights that I'd never considered before. Thank you for sharing.
Stormy Z
Thank you. Daniel is the only person (professional or otherwise) who validates my feelings.
As an Iranian, I have to say I hear of much more destructive family structures in the west. I myself have never heard my parents scream at eachother or call eachother nasty curse words (worst would be stupid) Biggest things that happened would be a short arguement or worst ones when my dad belittled my mom over some things and she’d cry. I can count with my fingers (maybe one hand) the amount of times I saw that happen. But there are obviously other blockages that still get carried on and passed like doubting, worries, stress, “white lies” etc. I am a successful relationship coach myself (co-creating with my husband) and strongly believe in the power of evolving in loving relationships. They are the foundation for the next generations to come and we are responsible for building healthy and loving relationships with our life-partners. We have never been taught how to have constructive, strong and intimate partnership which has been done purposefully and systematically.
What a relief, thank you very much Daniel for your openness, honesty and courage to speak up, and help others, is the first time i can relateand feel understood and finally find out that what i was thinking wasn't wrong,
Many of your videos made me feel more light and free,
Could you please make a video with the best advice you can give to young people in their 20's? 😊
Thank you 😊
Daniel, my niece is expecting her first child who will be born in December. My father and stepmother were massively toxic parents, bordering on psychotic. My half-sister, my pregnant niece's mother, is a full-blown schizophrenic. I have cut off my entire family, except for this niece, whom I met for the first time a year ago. She is a very kind and loving person, and her husband, whom I have never met, also seems like a good dude. A quick google search on "how to be good parents" has produced a long array of cheesy mainstream books which all look fluffy and predictable. Could you recommend a fantastic book on how to be a great, conscious, healthy parent, especially for those of us who are survivors of severe family dysfunction and trauma? Thanks, Daniel.
Perhaps it's my age/willingness to open myself to this thought; however, you're the only person in my lifetime that has ever made me feel like it was ok to feel. I admire your ability/willingness/commitment to yourself to confront those aspects of your life that, somehow, you realized were important and that most of us discount and hide from ourselves until it is so overwhelmingly painful we can hardly engage at all. Thank you for your candidness. Thank you for making me feel it is ok to feel. Thank you Dan for being who you are, I am so very greatful.
I know this was personal. Thank you for sharing Daniel. It was very insightful.
Thanks Daniel
It's true, dysfunctional family dynamics are a taboo. I understand why no one wants to talk about them, being because it's negativity that in turn reminds others of things in their family they would like to ignore or forget. But by god I have little sympathy for these kinds of people when it has negative effects on children.
I think the worst example I can think of that is a result of this 'don't ask don't tell' mentality is when it involves child molestation. It's unbelievably common that when a child is being molested, especially when the molester is a family member, they aren't believed by their parent/s even when there's even clear physical evidence. And many times these famillies, obviously having to have some level of dysfunction to produce a child molester, are not dysfunctional in terms that they're extremely poor or have drug and alcohol issues. No it's even in regular middle class families.
My family suffers a lot from what I would call living in a fantasy land. It involves the 'don't ask don't tell' mentality that you describe, but added with it is this sickeningly sweet positivity and casual denial that is just inappropriate and pure escapism.
My grandmother embodies this perfectly. I would describe her mentality as superstitious and being stuck in the 50s. She's obsessed with strong, traditional family values no matter what. She has the don't tell rule that nothing personal should be said even to the closest of friends, that blood relatives are everything, that they'll never let you down and that no matter what they do to you they're always really good at heart. And this is coming from the woman who tells us very casually that both her parents, especially her father were extremely abusive and controlling to the point where her father slapped her many times and threatened the whole family with a butcher knife once and who knows what else he did. And she still insists her parents truly loved her.
My grandpa from the other side of my family is always in pure fantasy mode where he refuses to acknowledge anything bad. Literally every time anything negative is said in his presence he takes a hand to his forehead and just looks down trying not to listen. It's such a childish and instinctual response and I loath it. It may seem harsh but by the end of this you'll see why. Besides this, both he and his wife deny till today that their daughter (being my mother) had a noticeable neurological/mental condition since childhood that no doubt affected her development as a person and messed her up enough to abuse her children and everyone around her.
Oh and another thing, no once wants to say the 'a word' (abuse). It's always, 'that's her character' 'she's just short tempered' 'she's nervous' or 'it's her diabetes'.
People always tell me I'm so open and truthful about my experiences and how human dynamics work, and half the time it's not meant as a compliment. I have little sympathy for some of those people. Because children are suffering from this mentality. If were in the unlikely and unfortunate position of being pregnant at least I'd do a better job of raising that kid than some parents did. And I'd equip them withe proper skills needed to survive. None of this flowery-denial crap. I'll be gentle but truthful.
Thank you so much for saying I have little sympathy because they hurt children. We are taught as children to put our parents feelings first and when we grow up and realise it's wrong we are then told to have sympathy for the parents, it's insane. The why doesn't matter so much as the end result when it comes to children. Thank you for being straight up. I don't care how messed up you are sort yourself out and don't take out your issues on your children or make them your therapist!!!
RUth Spiteri you described my family and situations of my own family. This is reaffirming for sure.
You are correct. I will add, family secrets can really help a disordered step parent and destroy their children and Step children. There are people whose motives are not good at all.
I have always as far back as I can remember have always viewed things in a much more profound way than others around me.
Now I know my parents picked up on this when I was very young because they brought me to various different specialists to be tested so they could better understand why I was so different from my siblings and everyone else.
And the answer they got was,your child is very gifted.
Now I have three brothers and one sister and mom and dad are still together.
But all throughout my life growing up with my family I was hated by my father as well as my three brothers. My sister who is three years young was a special school student and she has a very simplistic way of viewing the world around her and does not poses a desire to ponder things in great depth so she didn’t display any feelings of jealousy or hatred towards me.
Now my mother when I was around age 3 to 4 years old began exposing herself to me sexually in various ways.
Now I have always been a very energetic inquisitive enthusiastic nurturing outgoing empathetic quick witted person that people always seemed to gravitate towards.
And because of this I was hated by my father as well as my brothers.
I was skipped three grade’s in grade school I have had the ability to draw exceptionally well ever since I was able to hold a pencil and all of this just seemed to add fuel to the fire of their hatred towards me. I felt growing up that my mother was my only ally in life because of the way she was towards me.
Her exposing herself to me progressed until around age 7 or 8 it had developed into full intercourse which lasted for about nine years.
But around the age of 18 I began to vet my whole family in the same light as I would anyone else and I began to see the magnitude of the betrayal of everyone in my family. And I cannot begin to describe the heart wrenching feelings that came over me, I just wanted to be dead.
I didn’t want to be a part of this world anymore. And I did attempt to end my life but obviously I was unsuccessful,thankfully. I don’t know if it’s for the better or not but I have became a more selfish and untrusting person as a result. I feel as though my family destroyed the goodness that once was my greatest asset.
And I can’t help but wonder if I might have been able to contribute more to the world if I would have been raised in a different environment ?
❤Hiya Godfather🙂
With your experiences and sensitivity, your gifts, viewing things in a profound way and all off the other beauty full qualities you have, is showing you that you have insight and finer feelings that can really help you to heal yourself. If I was you, I’d hone your feelings into creating art for your inner child that would really nurture your growth for now because you’ve got nothing to be guilty or ashamed about! You may want to create a booklet with your art and who knows what that will lead to, like perhaps write some feelings down from each art drawing. If you don’t feel like sharing it with anyone, just don’t and then feel your feelings some more each~every day. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone
and nurture your inner-child. You are unselfish and your trust in yourself will ease more and more which contributes to the world any way because it works that way no matter if you share it to others or not. It’s emits out like the sunshine🌝🤗xxxxxxxxxxx
My mom recently said I need to have a baby so I can “calm down.” She was talking about me speaking the truth with no filter...
Based on her statement, I see what she truly thinks about children. I would have advised her in her youth NOT to have kids- we never made her “calm” in any way. If anything, she’s gotten worse with age. 🤦🏽♀️
My self absorbed mother said a similar comment only worded as I need to be more "patient ". I've definitely said mine should've never had kids and weren't parents. Us truth tellers definitely become the black sheep and judged by the dysfunctional family.
@@anitaknight3915 Kids aren’t a tool or pawn or something “to do” because someone is unhappy or unfulfilled in life… we need to grow and improve as people BEFORE bringing new lives into the world.
I think a lot of parents have children for those terrible, selfish reasons and, statistically, it just doesn’t turn out well…
Well said, Dani!
Thank you for this, I can relate SO MUCH.
I was watching in and saying "YES, EXACTLY". Love you work!
You are fabulous! Courageously, sharing the truth is sacred.
As a result of speaking the truth, my parents told me at some point that I was no longer part of the family. That was shocking...
Your videos help me heal❤️
Came upon your channel by chance. Love your content
Omg this was my childhood... plus physical violence... thank you so much for sharing.
I really click with how you felt as a kid, I'm so sorry you had to parent your parents. It's scary how mean they could get without eachother, I think I always wondered if I was next to be on the chopping block.
The biggest alienation is from you true Self...this is so bang on. You are magic.
Great video. Can relate a lot. Thanks for uploading.
What are some examples of these disturbing things that go on in families?
There was a lot of physical fighting in my family. Alcohol abuse. Gossip. Emotional Immaturity. Greed. Power tripping.
Thank you, Daniel! 💜
Thanks Daniel, I just have discovered something new about my family. I love your videos. You make us strongers. You rock. When you say the truth to your parents, it's always the same, you're bipolar or mad. They can't face the truth.
One of my frustrations is that our Family Secrets were just covered up for so long, none of my siblings even had a chance to talk to me about because of the distance, drugs, our age, etc. Now we're all "old," and I just can't imagine trying to bring it up now. There's been a sort of implicit gaslighting of all of us. So I just bailed and I'm trying to process my part from a distance. #cautiontape
Very interesting.....You have learned to live in spite of opposition by your own family. I relate, but my progress has been a limited struggle. My need to withdraw has resulted in isolation and minimal sharing of my truths with others. At 60 I have never lived with anyone, nor even a relationship of much significance. I now have doubts I ever will accomplish what I most desire and need, someone. I have done counselling and the result of the last time about 2 yrs ago was to accept my life as it is .I don;t want to settle , this isn't good enough. A very brief story of my unfinished life. Thanks. All best wishes...
This hit home and hit hard!!
Many thanks for some realisations.
This so so introspective and universal.
Thanks. Very helpful.
Another meaningful video! Thank you!
thank you for all your content Daniel
Great video, Daniel. Thanks !!
Oh god this is exactly what happened to me. I’d even be coached on what to say to my grandparents. They would ground me when they found out that I was telling my friends about my parents biweekly divorce threats at each other. They would call me a traitor
This is what happened to me! I need help!
Thank you Daniel!
I was raised in a family where we sat around the dinner table and talked about all of the skeletons in the closet! Also, I found that my girl friends were much more open to talking about their families and what was really happening in their families then my boyfriends. Where most of your friends male? I don’t mean to wax stereotypic but I do believe that women tend to bond more deeply with their women friends and discuss these things.
Daniel, i Watch you everyday, thank you, hugs from Poland 💕🙏
I came from a very sick family system too, sometimes it's a wonder that we the children actually survived into adulthood. A narc mother and an alcoholic father. She divorced him to go on to a better life, or so she thought. Weird and very dark, evil in fact.
Thank you for sharing, Daniel.