Yes. It is a huge red flag when you get excited and relieved when they announce they have to leave the house for an errand or other reasons. Don't ignore that feeling like I did for years. Listen to your gut feelings. ( Survivor tip)
The ah ha moment of vlog is "if their not getting any narcissistic supply from it, its not worth it" is exactly the way it was. Absolutley everything was made difficult beyond stupidity.
I wanted to comment that narcs like to stay in control by making you wait for them. They are prone to be late for appointments or cancel at the last minute. They apologize but the same shitty behavior continues. They feel superior to you by making you wait. I tend to be a tolerant and I have been disrespected by these creatures so many times. I am so done with them.
That's a disrespectful behaviour but non narcs can do that! I once heard someone say it's repressed or unexpressed anger. Obviously if you are late once or twice it doesn't mean that but if it's regularly happening
@@Simon0 I don't like to keep people waiting and if and when I do, there is probably a reason that could not be helped. I feel embarrassed and apologize. But narcs don't do that; I don't recall any of them apologizing. In fact, they seem smug about it and get mad if you mention they are late,
A good filter is to step back and ask yourself 'Does this really need to be so hard?' Don't argue with the person. They have multiple ways to trip you up, including especially lying. Get away and give yourself time and space to reflect. If you determine that the person is fucking with you for their pleasure, make an excuse to avoid the person. Do not confront the person about their manipulative conduct.
Right. And that is exactly what I hear about during the devaluing sessions. " You are having an affair." "You have a sexually transmitted disease." " I don't trust you." Blah, blah, blah. Then he acts like everything with us is normal to all the friends and acquaintances. (The illusion). It is exhausting. But I am taking Scotts Recovery Course. Praying that I will recover and heal.☹️
Life is absolutely so much easier without a narcissist around! They just always bring you into some kind of drama and make you feel like you can Never relax!
it's like hitting your head against a cement wall to try discuss with them or solve a problem that THEY created but they created for you and is your fault. you can't reason in reality, the narc isn't in the reality. so you're stuck in problem solving
yes!! it's always can u do this for me, can u do that for me, help me with this, can u do this chore for me i'm late for work, blah blah blah, come lock the door, even tho it takes literally 2 seconds for them to turn the key on their way out, etc etc!
Yes!! Not team players! I have found that is a way to spot them. Thus they also sabotage others, or lie, or withhold information, or steal credit, or diminish others, or ignore accomplishments, etc, etc. It can be very, very subtle, but you ARE affected!!! YES life is easier without them!!!
Truth. Anything you share with them can and will be used against you. They have absolutely no desire to resolve any conflict (that they usually create, because they just love to attack you) or maintain any sort of healthy boundaries with you. They do NOT respect you -- they just don't. It's all about winning (whatever the hell that means), and nothing else. They're playing an invisible chess game with you, whether you realize it or not. And if any this doesn't scream childish, I don't know what does. The sooner you get the hell away from them, the easier it is to regain control of your OWN life. Handing over your personal power to someone like that is very dangerous. Scott B. and Richard Grannon (aka The Spartan Life Coach) are but two of the leading experts in pathological narcissism or NPD, etc. on You Tube, and they have driven it all home for me. Best piece of advice I can give anyone when it comes to these f*** narcs? Stay the hell away from them!
yes, yes yes. Life does feel so much simpler now. Before it was like everything had to be some kind of production. Drama, dirty looks, sneers, dramatic silence. Ugh. I love my peace and am so grateful for finding how sweet it is without that toxicity.
in this case, you can never tell when exactly they are leaving to go somewhere, when they will be back, where they are going, everything is a secret or gets changed all of a sudden. if they say they are going somewhere for 2 hours, they'll be back in 1, or 30 minutes...or maybe 4 hours instead of 2! you can never believe a word they say. it's all about keeping you on edge, especially if u are trying to avoid them...
I have a very common trait in ALL the narcs I deal with and its how they will trash you or abuse you and then say some selective BS like oh dont yell the neighbors are going to hear or your so embarrassing just to add more onto you as a victim. Its like they will cut you open and worry more about the carpet
Yes my narc would always tell me to come inside so the neighbors couldn't hear! He wanted me INSIDE so he could yell at me and belittle me and physically abuse me and no one could hear it. But would blame it ALL on me. I'm crazy and I like drama and I love to argue. 💔
Always difficult. Everything. Funny you mention "going out to dinner" can even be hard with a narc. This was always the case every....damn....time. Even dinner! Nothing is easy with the narc.
“Where do you want to eat tonight?” Is a loaded question. After producing 5 perfectly adequate options, and exhausting your faves with their putting each one down, they still won’t answer the question for themselves, “How about you? Since all my ideas won’t work for you, why don’t you just tell me what you have in mind and let’s go there without wasting any more time!” “You’re always starting arguments!” Um. Just trying to find a place we’d both like enough to eat at tonight. No argument necessary. For real. Carl’s Jr. whatever.
In my most recent experience with this, I realized that part of why this friend always changed plans at the last minute, arrived late, "forgot" he had a doctor appointment etc was that he really believed that he was the center of the universe, and enjoyed moving people around as a constant running validation of his importance. Funny thing is, when I confronted him about his behavior he suddenly became viciously verbally abusive, with a degree of rage that was truly stunning. That was the final proof, and the end of that nonsense (for me.) It's hard to see in the beginning, because anyone can have a change in plans now and then. The MOST annoying thing about it was, when he WAS planning on showing up, he would text me to make sure that I was coming (I never once didn't show up, or arrive late.) What I realized later was that he wanted me sitting there, waiting for him, as he made his grand entrance. NEVER AGAIN. When I started to see how these individuals are actually TRYING to push you around and enjoying your confusion and distress, a lot changed quickly. Because until you really get this, you are kind of kept in a confused state of disequilibrium-- and most of us don't want to believe that someone we thought liked and cared about us really was just toying with us, kind of like a cat playing with a mouse before the cat gets bored and eats the poor thing.
That's it exactly! They gain some kind of sick pleasure in knowing we are sitting there waiting for them, fretting, getting angry, worried, etc. They feed on this. It's quite diabolical when I saw it for what it was.
Sister Sinestra It's a god-complex. They enjoy the power. (And they feel entitled to it.) Remember that the creation of the false self required the murder of the true self. That is why they feel no compassion, and are enraged by any indication that you doubt their magnificence. A lot of people like to believe that underneath the narcissist is a poor, vulnerable and insecure little thing. The cold hard reality is, that once upon a time, there was a choice. They put that sweet, innocent little child into a room, locked the door, and let it starve to death. As the final whimpers drifted into silence, the false self rose-- an arrogant, entitled, raging beast. It is this beast, this vampire, that needs human blood (life force) to live. This is why they exhaust you so much. And this is why they SEEK to torment you. This torment takes your power and transfers it into them. (That is why they enjoy it.) Your confusion secures their banquet. (That is why they keep you disoriented and are nice sometimes, nasty a lot.) Your soul is their deepest need-- for that human being that you are they can never be again, for they killed that one and ate it, too. The hollow in them can never be satiated, and so, when you are no longer useful, they move on, either after your death or once your blood is too weak (or too aware). That is why the grey rock technique works. It's a humdrum diet, and they need ANGUISH.
+Abby Elizabeth This is a brilliant description of these creatures! It is absolutely chilling the level of dangerous psychopathy that they possess. In the last 4 years I met the worst narcissist of my life and he nearly caused me to lose my sanity, my passion for life, my life force. Instead of collapsing and feeding the beast , I got ALL of ME back, and I'm stronger, smarter, fully awake and more in Love with Life than I've ever been. Not because of him and his demonic sick ass self, but because I chose to learn all I could about this cancerous epidemic called NPD which is running amok on our planet, and I chose to rise up, day by day, month by month, and take All of My Power and Love back into Me!
I have a SIL who behaved like this toward me and it was the beginning of the end of my husband and my relationship with her, as well as my MIL. We moved to the state they were living so our 3 YO daughter could grow up with her cousin who was a year older than her. I didn't know my SIL well, but I knew that she wasn't a warm person from how she behaved at our wedding. Several times I would set up play dates with them and my SIL would either not show up or show up late like it was no big deal. Never an apology. My husband thought her behavior was odd, but didn't think it was as rude as I thought it was. I finally called her after she didn't show up one time and asked her why she didn't call and boy, did she fly into a rage! Didn't I know she was busy?! How dare I question her and impose on her time! She spoke with such a vile tone that sounded like she was growling through clenched teeth. She hung up after she was through letting me know how out of line she was. The next day she shows up at my home, it was a Saturday so my husband was there, and she acted like nothing happened! Wow. Weeks lead to months of figuring out what this behavior is, find out my MIL backs my SIL up and plays favorites with grandchildren, says horrific things to me when nobody else is in the room and steams with envy when I am pregnant with my second child when she is having difficulty getting pregnant again. All along my husband had no idea his mom and sister were this way (he's a go-along-to-get-along kind of guy), and apparently with me in the picture their narcissistic behavior rears its ugly head. We went NC soon after we invited my MIL over for brunch on a Sunday, after her not having time to do so for several months (she has all the time in the world for my SIL's daughter), and she picks up and leaves when SIL calls and asks her to sit for her. Up and gone. My husband handled the calls and conversations after that, telling them we won't come around unless they change their tone toward me. Turns out that was too much trouble for them, so off they went. These Ns just can't get along for anything unless things go their way. Such a shame they are missing out on family because of their twisted pride.
I noticed that my ex-narc loved to make everything I did, or things we did together complicated. Nothing was easy or enjoyable! He pounced on every opportunity to make a problem where no problem existed. One thing he never failed to do was go sit on the toilet for a long bathroom session when the whole family was in the car ready to go somewhere. We were all dressed and ready to go but we had to wait for him to get off the toilet and get in the car every single time. We were always late!
They are exhausting to be with. Everything is an issue.....that turns into an argument, which of course, is always my fault. I will soon be divorced from my narc husband of 14 years.....and he has been going away for work during the week, then returning home on weekends. When Monday comes along, I feel that angels are singing from above, and me with the feeling of "AAAAAHHHHHH." They never stop.
Holy shit. My narc used to come home for the weekends too. When he wasn't "breaking up" with me every month, then he'd start planning our future 3-4 years on and also suggest I go off my birth control. Then call the police. SAIKO living with him was absolute HELL and I only lasted 2+ years. I can't imagine long long term of that shit, I was literally losing my mind.
Yes muttering insultive commentary under their breath loud enough for you to hear their frustration, but not willing to speak directly to you so they deny it when you speak directly about it. Right?
This is so true, that they can never truly work with you to accomplish a common goal. They have to keep things like budgeting to themselves and will not allow anyone to control any of their money, even a spouse who is working. If asked to help do the dishes, or any undesired job, they will delegate the job to someone else immediately. If you want to study together or do a project they will find some stupid excuse to get you to do all the work. The Narcissist refuses to change for anybody.
You are so right about that. One thing I noticed is that issues never get resolved . So they tend to bring the same issues up over and over again. They never want to resolve problems. They use this tactic to start arguments and drama. And also to use as a reason to devalue and discard you
If it feels like you have come out of a fog once you distance yourself, you've been with a narcissist. If you feel guilt or tension over doing normal things, you may be with one. I can't believe how much better I have felt since I distanced myself to one friend I was always making excuses for. Day to day life is here to be appreciated and enjoyed to the best of our ability.
I would rather have my entire body dipped in battery acid than have to deal with a narcissist in any way, shape, or form. They cause way more anxiety and stress than it's necessary to spend any amount of time with them. I'm a person who needs their peace and quiet, and narcissists destroy peace and quiet. Therefore, I don't associate with and or engage with narcissists because I don't want to be put into an asylum.
This is so true according to my experiences, the smallest thing can become a big issue and then they like to blame others for it and play the poor victim...
My narc father used to ask me to help him with things around the house all the time. Things like yard work or just doing maintenance on the house. I didn't really mind since I actually enjoy hard work and being able to see the fruits of your accomplishments. The problem was never with the tasks themselves, but with the fact that the guy would always find something wrong with my technique or my vision of how to get the work done. Even something like painting a 10'x10' ceiling would turn into an all day event where he would put up roadblocks that make it impossible for me to get anything done. "You have the wrong dropcloth. That's not the right paint brush. Let me just sweep the floor first before you start painting." It's just madness. I would spend hours waiting for him to "approve" the start of the work, and the best part is that he'd later complain about how tired he was from all the work he did all day. What things could I actually point to and give him credit for? He got the "right" dropcloth from the basement and swept the floor. This took him about half of a day to do. If I was paying this man to work in my house, I would have fired him after the first day. I'm NC now and he managed to find another servant he can abuse. He just so happens to be my brother-in-law.
The best way to deal with a narcissist when they're trying to grab your attention is to either is to completely ignore them or cut off the conversation before it even starts. The phrase I find very helpful is, "I'm busy."
I'm only one and a half minutes into the video and already feeling exercised about these fatiguing people and how they put us through the third degree over the tiniest non-issue. "Cooperation and coordination" with them is like pulling teeth. All too familiar with the back and forth. It's to gain that control that they have to have every second of every interaction. I can hear the fatigue in your voice as you talk about this. It's just so strenuous even thinking about these people.
Good Video, I used to work with a Narcissist and I literally was brainwashed, trauma bond, bullied - I ran 4 my life I couldn't stay with him. It was just all about control control control.. I hated it
I can identify with you on so many levels. Control is their main objective. Listening to other people ideas is not rational to them. They make a mountain out of a mole hill. When they are not around its bliss. Life is easier without them. They hate anyone that is happy. I think its a form of jealousy because their mind are constantly thinking out of balance with chaos and discord. When they do return from vacation or whatever, its like a black clouds looming over head, just plain dreadful. I almost feel like a deflated balloon when they return. My few days of joy gone.
They're parasitic, pathetic and disgraceful. They DO suck the life and joy and happiness and sanity out of those who've had the misfortune of dealing with them head on.
Don't you just love it when you feel you HAVE TO ESCAPE even for a moment of relief so you do, but then you get the inevitable text, "While you're out, I need you to pick up this and this and this and this.......".
ptanyuh Well said. I'm living all these posts now...and going out to store and he already told me what he needs......after some rather nasty exchanges a short while ago......gotta get those needs met..there will be time to badger me later....wtf...im better than this....I was a single recently bereaved widow at 30 yrs old and we married 3 yrs later. Now 25 yrs later he's physically and more mentally ill...signs of dementia and unreal women hatred projected on me, the only person in his entire life who did not abandon him through thick and thin and now he tells me to get out? Wtf????
Sadly, scheduling and commitment issues has been my experience w/ narcs to. My time's valuable, but they don't seem to care about the time that I sacrificed for them.
me too.. omgosh they are the most non committed non communicative and find every excuse to get out of it. they like to leave you on edge and they never want to commit to anything so they do not have to be responsible for anything but themselves. they are selfish and do not care about anything you have to do unless it's for their benefit. this and the silent treatment are my 2 biggest issues with narcs. I just can't stand either of these traits in them. it's just not even about doing nothing it's about not being responsible for anything. they want to control every aspect of their life and yours and this is just another way to do that.
I had exactly the same experience in my home with cleaning when I was growing up...every Saturday was like the end of the world...they really find problem for every solution
Problems arise when the narc gaslights and leads others to believe that what the narc thinks and believes is actually true...your then left to not only trying to prove what they say or did is false but then trying to still fix the issues at hand thereafter...like you say, it's all about tactics for them...stalling, delaying and irresponsibility to get things resolved for the greater good of everyone...in the end you get so caught up in a web of their deceit a simple issue to resolve becomes a monumental catastrophic issue in their minds.
If things never feel easy around someone, say something nice and slowly back away. It's ok to take a step back and not get overly involved. You can still love and care for someone from a distance. In my opinion, love isn't actualized until it is able to be received. Please, take your valuable loving tendencies and share with someone who wants to return. A narcissist is forever unable to give. Save yourself, because if the building catches fire he'll run out and leave you trapped to collect the life insurance.
perfect perfect bravo....only people with close interactions with narcs will get this video.....life is just so easier when narcs are not around........so so easier......you get more shit done and can have time left over for personal development.
This is sooo true. I remember trying to communicate with a narcissistic "friend", in an attempt to improve the relationship. My constant frustration with her was how unavailable she was for me. When she needed me, I'd take hours to listen to her but when I needed her, she wouldnt even be available to text. Somehow I always ended up being a "needy" friend. She was the only person in my life who described me like that. I'm so glad I moved on and left the relationship.
Oh, the endless endless back and forth. No matter how carefully you go over the outcome of each and every possible response you could give and try to get the least dramatic one. It's impossible to avoid. You can't be easy going around a narc.
their always moving the goal posts around you and when you dont know up from down & they've flipped your life upside down they will blame you for the misunderstanding., I just dont give ANY voice to their crap, give them a wide berth, or engage at you own peril.
They sure like to be free and easy no commitments and it's puzzling when you haven't yet realised that they only care about themselves because you see their uncooperativeness is so destructive to their relationships and you think ..why would they be like that ..you would never in a million years think they were doing it intentionally and that they really don't care, even for their own kids..there is something missing in them .
It's absolutely baffling to me the same individual who can't complete minor tasks over the corse of years, finds it a priority to wash their over budget car literally multiple times a day. "appearing busy" mind you the car gets washed several times a week even per day and honest to GOD they have spent up to 3 and 4 hours at one time !!!! wow but all hell ensues over a 30 minute drive to Home Depot to actually accomplish tasks of substance like a window repair. Not to mention grips every month about the light bill that's usually behind because of ridiculous car payments but instead of cutting back on electricity usage ....has EVERY light in the house on at ALL times... complains and I say hey cut off some lights then your bill will be lower rocket science I suppose. claims they need the lights on dude literally has lights on all day while he's a work but will actually make a huge scene if I leave a porch light on!!!! HEY here's a thought how about we go and fix the window to keep the ac from wasting out the window.....¿¿¿¿ BLASPHEMY sounds funny on a TV sitcom isn't funny in real life :(
Yes!!! Always a problem planning ANYTHING! Always cryptic communication where you feel your not sure of the plan. Always late and never wants to get in the shower to get ready.
Having an illness of some kind, fits what you're saying perfectly. It never goes away, is always there, and can always be used against you. In ever so subtle ways, but to keep mentioning it.....? Pure evil.
Or they love to have you chase them and wonder if the plans are going to come to fruition. This is when you're working with a narc. They love to keep you waiting to see when they're going to respond, if they will respond and keeping you hanging.
They are terrible problem solvers. Everything is a problem and cannot be solved. I asked my ex one day do you like to live in chaos? He was making it seem like it was me but then i advised that the problems come when he shows up. My life isnt generally stressful day to day but they want it to be. He would always complain about how exhausted he was but he never had a job and he never did anything but sit around and watch tv. Why didnt i cook him food after i was working 12 hours? Maybe he could have made it himself? They only talk and have no action behind anything. Their words are very empty.
You said your experience has been that the narcissist continually insisted that you need to fix everything. I've experienced the same type of behavior. My research on this leads me to believe that this stems from unresolved trauma the narcissist experienced in early childhood. They mentally keep replaying the trauma in the hopes of resolving it. The narcissist will often psychologically put their own children in a parental role and themselves in the role of a child. Normally it is the parents job to fix things or problem solve. Not so in the mind of the narcissist. They keep searching for what was missing as a child. The parent that never fixed their problem or met their needs.
Yes. This is so annoying and exhausting, I can never ever ever plan anything with him... ever. No matter what. It's so childish. They are all talk. Words and actions never match... ever.
AI always felt life was to hard....now I know where I got that from. Scared to ask for help or anything. And if you do something they will find fault with it. They have no hobbies because as you say they can't see the point. Also all the Narcs I know are gamblers.
13:43 " Life is a lot easier than they lead you to believe." Amazingly true, i experience that at the moment. Everything falls into place. Without drama🌹.
Holy cow did you cover so much ground that I have also experienced with both male and female narcissists. Scheduling, planning always seems to be a chore with them. The simplest thing like what time to meet, or organization of something seems to become a major event with them. Unless it's around them, scratch that, even when it is around and for them. Also, they have to always be the star, and they talk at you like you said. This was such a great video. I'm learning so much from your channel. I've dealt with many marcs in my day but couldn't put my finger on what it was. Now I know and I'm able to avoid them when it's in my power
This is my strategy until I can get out. The problem is they keep trying to wake me up in the middle of the night and took to throwing things outside my bedroom door. They're trying to provoke me.
OMG you are spot on what I routinely stated to my soon to be ex narc was you are unnecessarily difficult. You make problems where there are none. Over time this becomes exhausting, overwhelming and that is the enablers undoing. It got to the point that I dreading scheduling or planning anything with him. I would rather have a root canal then plan anything with him. Thank you for your insight on this topic. I finally realize I am not crazy.
Great topic! Narc ex used to project on to me that I wanted a medal for my completed domestic tasks. In reality this was beneath her pay grade and was thrilled I was doing it. She was very steeped in annual traditions. She would have a meltdown if going to the pumpkin patch or Christmas tree farm was somehow threatened. I realized it has nothing to do with her kids and everything to do with her. These annual performances were her FB opportunities to show she was a great mother. Proof she's "real". It was very stepford wife/mechanical. I recall making plans to go shopping with her after church on a weekend she did not have her kids. We were looking forward to a relaxing fall afternoon together. After church her kids were gathered around talking to her. She then came over to the group of people I was talking with and let me know we were going to be at church all afternoon for play tryouts. I reminded her of our plans and she had no recollection of them. When she saw how pissed I was she promised we would go the next weekend. We never did. Narcs believe their own lies. My narc father believed his lies were reality and so did my narc ex.
smoothandchunky1 my Narc now tells me things about me that are not true. makes me mad. I always tell him stop assuming. They never want to be wrong and are know it alls.
KINADOE doe omg mine did that to narrating a story indirectly about me that wasnt true.so first i noticed it i said sorry if your referring to me your totally way off base.
Within the first year of the relationship my narcissistic ex husband coined a phrase. I would initiate discussions about the relationship from time to time when I saw problem behaviours. Sometimes he would be constructive and sometimes he absolutely wouldn't. When he wouldn't and I became frustrated, he would smile and tell me that he was being "maliciously uncooperative". Little did I know just how malicious he would become.
Everything you said is so true, thank you for reminding me. Sometimes when there is struggle in my life I forget how it was. How hard every day was , coping with such nonsense.💙
The ridiculousness of the exhaustion you recall… and your comment about how it used to be for you… offers hope for some still struggling in that mess. Thank you.
When the narcissist I'm dealing with at work went away for two weeks with this family, those two weeks were the most peaceful, easy, and happiest two weeks I've ever had since I started working at my place of work. I wasn't filled with stress and anxiety, and everyone, including the other residents seemed more peaceful and happier. Also, the who building seemed tranquilly quiet.
It was like that part of the Beauty and Beast where the spell is broken and all of the darkness and turmoil just melts away and everything seems so sparkling and happy and calm.
I find with my Narc that you can't expect anything regarding scheduling other than doc appts. I am shocked when I am around friends that work around my schedule. It is so different than how the Narc responds. When you feel like a prisoner with a Narc you have to make up your own routine to survive even if it is small things. They will try to uproot it but keep at it. I am learning to face what I am up against and learning what it is in me that attracts these people. It is frightening to see the reality that all they want is their illusion to be propped up as Scott mentions. I am learning daily how to manage and what my other options are for survival. I so love Scott's videos!!
Oh my gosh, that is so true, we had a big blowout over where we were supposed to meet, and I thought that I could vent frustration and say that we need a better system, that took it to level 10 catastrophe! I got yelled out in the street in front of coworkers and told that I treat him worse than a Muslim! When we brought the issue up to him, he blamed me, he said I'm always triggering him. But when I look back, almost every issue is over scheduling, you're exactly right And it doesn't even need to be a big deal, but they take it as a personal offense
OMG! My last birthday spent with him was just so awful....... he booked a great sounding get-away-weekend and then "FORGOT" to take any medication with him at all!! He "needs" it every four hours for about the last ten years? So the whole night was all about him and how could I sleep when he was in pain? We had to have breakfast as the restaurant opened at 7 and I drove us back that very morning. ..... but I couldn't complain could I because... well....I'm not in pain.... it was only a birthday outing.... we had to get back to his house to complete the drama in the four walls again!!! Thank you so much for your insight! And just to say I had the best birthday ever this year because he's not in my life anymore!!!!
100% true. A slow mental death for the victims. These devils carry out a scorched earth policy. It's like living in a barbed wire wilderness for their preys. Sadly they often don't have the strength to break free because their minds and the very essence of their souls is being eroded. It's like watching someone walking to their own death, and you can't do anything to stop that. Very very sad.
Quite true. They've lost their bearings as well as their self respect. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging, it's just a fact. Mental control thrives on their deep narcissistic wound. Unless they come to terms with that there will be no emancipation. It will be bondage forever. Narcs are jailers and killers
maria bronn I hear you sis.... we are not judging we are bearing witness to just how dangerous these individuals are...... those that get away have to break free and run for their lives with all of their might.... its the only way.
The only way I broke free from my narc mum, was to walk away and never look back, except to see how far I'd come. I figured out what she was like, but didn't know what her mindset was referred to as. I now know, and I'm in the process of dumping a lot of junk to get moving 400 miles away to the town we lived in before we moved to my home country. You can't win with these people, to the point where even the Andromeda Galaxy wouldn't be far enough away from them.
They don't want to solve any problems because they don't want us to feel secure AT ALL! They want us to constantly think of what can I do to make us better.
really enjoyed this. like you said even the simple act of going out to dinner is a hassle. Every Friday my wife, daughter and I go out to dinner. my wife [the BPD/Narc] has recently identified that she has gluten sensitivities, so I end up trying to catering to her restrictions. But every week this is how it goes. I'll email/text around noon for the two of them to start getting an idea of where they'd like to go [attempt to make it easier but never works] I get home from work wife is aggravated, can't decide were to go and get more aggravated if I start tossing out potential ideas. so as I wait for her to finally get ready to go it always happens the same way, she'll get pissy, blame it on her having not eaten much that day. get up and say "are we going or not." as if the delay is on me, then there is a 50/50 chance that the decision with create conflict with the 10 year old, and an additional 25% chance that her and the child we have a tiff over what the child is wearing, or something the child is trying to bring with us to the restaurant, which will invariably result in wife stating that she either will just stay home or not go at all. then we all go to dinner pissed off but once the wait staff shows up at the table then she has the mask back on an is all pleasant and happy go lucky. so frustrating
3:00+ "cryptic speech,.. that is when you are kind of on the hamster wheel" SHAKESPEARE shakesmear this is a huge gold nugget right here mr Scott beam us up
I saw , with all these issues in my ex N, it was an all out effort on his part to gain attention. I saw him as feeling he was very small and insignificant and he would create any opportunity to draw attention to himself. He needed to be the center of everyone's attention, and if not - it wouldn't be pleasant. One holiday we had guests over and dinner. When everyone but him migrated to the kitchen, he said he had to run out to the store, he came back two days later without a word & left me there for the evening to explain to our guests. He eventually said it never happened. Never knew what would come next with the passive aggressive behavior! I'm free two years now & readjusting to the real world.
Mourning Dove this is so true, I think that their reactions are so over-the-top, so when they recall the situation your role always has to be way bigger than it was… Because you were the one who triggered them after all
Mourning Dove this is so true, I think that their reactions are so over-the-top, so when they recall the situation your role always has to be way bigger than it was… Because you were the one who triggered them after all
I had two narc in my life ( my mother and my husband ) both did this ...... my mother in particular would keep changing the goal posts. I'm so over these people . I finally got help with my codependency . Now I finally got it nailed down . No more narcs in my life.
Loved this video, and all the little digs!! :) My experience with my narcissist dad growing up, everything way like summiting a mountain or brain surgery, even small tasks. I just remember my dad spending hours and hours working on our car and not really getting anything done. Something else that I loathed growing up were the stories, when were had company over or were at a gathering, they have a few stories and constantly recycle them, so annoying when you hear it for the 20th time!
Yes, Narcissistic supply is conditional, not just anything qualifies as supply. The closer a person gets personally to the Narc the more they witness the supply requirements. Its different from Narc to Narc. though there's going to be some situations that are similar. It appears on the surface that insecurity is the drive behind their unique supply need. However when you think and consider the Narc is detached from most if not all emotional reality, you realize they have no reality for it like we do. Meaning they have no feelings to regulate their unconcerned behavior. Now consider what your world would be like if you had no inner connection to your emotional side of your brain. Throughout your life you witness everyone else living that inside connection with their emotions and sharing it with others all the time, yet you the Narc can't relate. I can say I do believe I've witness this very confused reality by a couple of Narcs I once knew. too much to go into here. Now to relate this with today's video. If a Narc doesn't feel what you do about what ever is going on with you its because it doesn't do anything for them and they cannot relate to your inside emotional behavior which of course is just natural expected everyday feelings. Again the narc can't relate to it as a normal person can, for normal people are connected emotionally inside, the Narc is the complete opposite inside ....meaning they are disconnected from any or at least not enough emotional feelings...... there !
Yes, yes , ...Everything has to be difficult, or take an enormous amount of time. I have finally found ways to work around it. I call it the " always have a plan B, when plan A does not work" . It has relieved me of so much frustration. If plan B does not work, then opt out. (Survival tip).
Narc brother is such an asshole...loves to dictate exact time to do things...eat especially. Example, I invite the family over to have a meal at my home and he tells me what time the meal should be served. Then, he arrives about 5 minutes ahead so he doesn't have to tolerate us for any longer than necessary. Then, if the meal isn't ready, he says "I knew you would be late. You're always late." He ordered somebody else to show up to the restaurant early and get our name on the list. Then, he called to ask how long it was going to be and showed up at that time. In general, when I go out to eat with others, I don't mind having to wait for a table because it's a nice opportunity to socialize. He got irritated and verbally abusive if someone was late, but if he was late, it was okay because his time is more valuable than anyone else's. He was critical of food that he took no part in purchasing or preparing. Basically, he loved to delegate responsibilities to everyone else and then criticize them for not doing it exactly the way he would because he is perfect. Like I said....asshole.
You want to know if i agree or not? All I can do is nod and make mm hmmmmm! noises. after 23 years my eyes are open! Keep up the encouragement. this is NOT an easy road.
Grace Johnston Me to! Nearly 20years of his self created chaos and convoluted problems that I have to live with, .... and him always refusing to listen to me, dismissing a simple solution. Its insanity. One created problem of course leads to ten more, all by design to keep me trapped in perpetual FOG. My eyes are open and arguing is pointless. It just leads to more of his twisted logic. So I'm leaving, for the final time, never to return. I'm out. Blessed peace and an uncomplicated , SANE, healthy life and recovery. Woo hoo! :) XX♡♡
My mother was always about sabotage when it came to scheduling. She was ALWAYS late when you needed her to be somewhere just so she could see you get anxious from being late. I used to tell her when I needed to be somewhere an hour in advance of when I actually did so that I wouldn't have to deal with this crap. Now I just don't talk to her anymore, and I am SO MUCH HAPPIER without this garbage in my life! Thank you Scott, this particular video was very relatable!
So totally agree! That is my day, everyday all day! always simple, but it will always have to be the biggest pain in the ass, just for the smallest thing. So when the conflict comes up it is always me who is the impossible one. Good one! They don't get along, if they aren't the star of the situation. Everyone Must say they are the best and the greatest. That is how I see it. Anything isn't worth doing if they are not the king for the day for that task. Even if it is the smallest thing. This daily conflict stuff is the stuff that makes me feel so frustrated. Because every move is hard to maneuver through. What I work on is to ignore every word, every attempt to get a reaction. Great video.
Yes to this video so much! Such trivial conversations that are made into some big deal. It's all just another tactic of control to see how much they can bend you to their will.
After 6 months of no contact with my older narc sister, she has sent me a birthday card!!! However it included a domineering note saying , " I want to sort out our parents bungalow. If you want to be involved then get in touch . " She lives 40 miles away and I am 2 miles from parents old house . She then wrote, " I hope you keeping control of the garden (back yard) as I'm busy dealing with the finances ". She has done absolutely nothing to clean up deceased , parents home and I have done so much , so her grandiose words and lack of empathy or remorse are disgusting . But at least I know what I'm dealing with ..... A Total Narcissist !!!!
Narcs eat into your time like nothing else on earth, you just got to get away and see real reality. It’s then you will realise just how capable you are and how much they held you back. You will drop the resentment in time because unlike them you recognise it is the one thing left that links you to that sad lifestyle.
The inability to plan or schedule anything was one of the biggest frustrations with my narc ex. He would ask every day if I was free that evening and I mostly wasn't. I'd suggest tomorrow or the day after but no, he wanted that evening. It'd come to the next day (and I would, by then, have other plans) and the same call would come: 'Can I see you tonight?' I'd be so angry at him for not planning with me and thought he was just being stupid; I never thought it was intentional, so this is eye-opening. As you say, life is so much easier and simpler without a narcissist around!
Yes, yes, yes! In fact, for me, like as a working single parent of three children ages five, seven, and nine, it's still easier than living in a two parent household with the narcissist.
I agree it's much easier without them. Mine would do virtually nothing to help and anything he did do he thought he was a hero for, as the children were not his - although he saw me exhausted and overworked. In the end it was easier to just let him lead his own life, get on with working and bringing up the children and not ask questions. When I finished the relationship and my children, who he hadn't be able to separate me from (he tried) didn't want contact with him he said in a letter "I brought them up for god's sake!"
Narcissists create the storm and then wonder why it rains.
A Grant so freaken well said! So succint!
And stabs you and wonder why you bleed?
Storms in a tea-cup!!!! 🤔@ A grant....
Great quote
"Life is a lot easier than the narcissist leads you to believe." Great quote!!!
Absolutely true! At first when you are away from them, you wait for the other shoe to drop. We are so used to crisis and chaos!
Yes. It is a huge red flag when you get excited and relieved when they announce they have to leave the house for an errand or other reasons. Don't ignore that feeling like I did for years. Listen to your gut feelings. ( Survivor tip)
The ah ha moment of vlog is "if their not getting any narcissistic supply from it, its not worth it" is exactly the way it was. Absolutley everything was made difficult beyond stupidity.
I wanted to comment that narcs like to stay in control by making you wait for them. They are prone to be late for appointments or cancel at the last minute. They apologize but the same shitty behavior continues. They feel superior to you by making you wait. I tend to be a tolerant and I have been disrespected by these creatures so many times. I am so done with them.
Antoinette Brosset sooooo true!!
Exactly...
That's a disrespectful behaviour but non narcs can do that! I once heard someone say it's repressed or unexpressed anger. Obviously if you are late once or twice it doesn't mean that but if it's regularly happening
@@Simon0 I don't like to keep people waiting and if and when I do, there is probably a reason that could not be helped. I feel embarrassed and apologize. But narcs don't do that; I don't recall any of them apologizing. In fact, they seem smug about it and get mad if you mention they are late,
@@pattyholmes127 yeah time is valuable so being late is depriving someone of something valuable.
Narcissists do a lot of talking but it's lacking any real meaning... So true
@Anne Obermeyer Cameron
Its because they love to hear themselves talk, practically nonstop at times.
That's one of the first things I noticed about he narc I know! Always vying to be the centre of the room...
Always. They're attention whores, after all.
Yes. All that talking, especially when they are lying.
A good filter is to step back and ask yourself 'Does this really need to be so hard?' Don't argue with the person. They have multiple ways to trip you up, including especially lying. Get away and give yourself time and space to reflect. If you determine that the person is fucking with you for their pleasure, make an excuse to avoid the person. Do not confront the person about their manipulative conduct.
Solid advice.
Maybe. They will still try to devour you.
Agree one hundred percent
"There has to be something they can set in stone that's a problem forever." That is the best line you've ever said.
Yep, I had a head injury...perfect victim until over time God healed me. He didnt count on that. Ive been away from that nightmare for 28 yrs!
Right. And that is exactly what I hear about during the devaluing sessions. " You are having an affair." "You have a sexually transmitted disease." " I don't trust you." Blah, blah, blah. Then he acts like everything with us is normal to all the friends and acquaintances. (The illusion). It is exhausting. But I am taking Scotts Recovery Course. Praying that I will recover and heal.☹️
Life is absolutely so much easier without a narcissist around! They just always bring you into some kind of drama and make you feel like you can Never relax!
Always making problems where there is no problems.
Us there some kind of play book they're reading or something??
Wayne Pret Clones! Clones!
it's like hitting your head against a cement wall to try discuss with them or solve a problem that THEY created but they created for you and is your fault. you can't reason in reality, the narc isn't in the reality. so you're stuck in problem solving
Jeez 🙄 Don't they just
Wayne Pret lol lol. Didn't think anyone could make me laugh today....😂🤣😁TY!!
OMG,always busy but nothing ever accomplished unless they are making U do it for them.
TRUTH
You noticed that too huh?
yes!! it's always can u do this for me, can u do that for me, help me with this, can u do this chore for me i'm late for work, blah blah blah, come lock the door, even tho it takes literally 2 seconds for them to turn the key on their way out, etc etc!
Joey Poe
Jesus christ
yet don't forget
"they don't need your help"
smh
Yes, and if you don't do what they "ask", she says later, "I asked you nicely. What do I have to do to get you to do it?"
Yes!! Not team players! I have found that is a way to spot them. Thus they also sabotage others, or lie, or withhold information, or steal credit, or diminish others, or ignore accomplishments, etc, etc. It can be very, very subtle, but you ARE affected!!! YES life is easier without them!!!
"life is a lot easier than they lead you to believe." - well said
This is so true they look for reasons to find problems that they can use against you over and over. These manufactured problems are never resolved.
Truth.
Anything you share with them can and will be used against you.
They have absolutely no desire to resolve any conflict (that they usually create, because they just love to attack you) or maintain any sort of healthy boundaries with you. They do NOT respect you -- they just don't. It's all about winning (whatever the hell that means), and nothing else. They're playing an invisible chess game with you, whether you realize it or not. And if any this doesn't scream childish, I don't know what does.
The sooner you get the hell away from them, the easier it is to regain control of your OWN life. Handing over your personal power to someone like that is very dangerous.
Scott B. and Richard Grannon (aka The Spartan Life Coach) are but two of the leading experts in pathological narcissism or NPD, etc. on You Tube, and they have driven it all home for me.
Best piece of advice I can give anyone when it comes to these f*** narcs? Stay the hell away from them!
yes, yes yes. Life does feel so much simpler now. Before it was like everything had to be some kind of production. Drama, dirty looks, sneers, dramatic silence. Ugh. I love my peace and am so grateful for finding how sweet it is without that toxicity.
Brilliant!
in this case, you can never tell when exactly they are leaving to go somewhere, when they will be back, where they are going, everything is a secret or gets changed all of a sudden. if they say they are going somewhere for 2 hours, they'll be back in 1, or 30 minutes...or maybe 4 hours instead of 2! you can never believe a word they say. it's all about keeping you on edge, especially if u are trying to avoid them...
Joey Poe yesss! So frustrating.
I have a very common trait in ALL the narcs I deal with and its how they will trash you or abuse you and then say some selective BS like oh dont yell the neighbors are going to hear or your so embarrassing just to add more onto you as a victim. Its like they will cut you open and worry more about the carpet
Kerri Potkonen secrecy is a big tool for them it’s like Charles Manson but without the killing. Some what mind control over people around them
Yes my narc would always tell me to come inside so the neighbors couldn't hear! He wanted me INSIDE so he could yell at me and belittle me and physically abuse me and no one could hear it. But would blame it ALL on me. I'm crazy and I like drama and I love to argue. 💔
Always difficult. Everything. Funny you mention "going out to dinner" can even be hard with a narc. This was always the case every....damn....time. Even dinner! Nothing is easy with the narc.
Yes, they always cause an argument or conflict before, during or after outings. Something is always a problem!
“Where do you want to eat tonight?” Is a loaded question. After producing 5 perfectly adequate options, and exhausting your faves with their putting each one down, they still won’t answer the question for themselves, “How about you? Since all my ideas won’t work for you, why don’t you just tell me what you have in mind and let’s go there without wasting any more time!”
“You’re always starting arguments!”
Um. Just trying to find a place we’d both like enough to eat at tonight. No argument necessary. For real. Carl’s Jr. whatever.
@@brightpage1020 They are mentally lazy
So true. Life is hard, but they make it so much harder....
In my most recent experience with this, I realized that part of why this friend always changed plans at the last minute, arrived late, "forgot" he had a doctor appointment etc was that he really believed that he was the center of the universe, and enjoyed moving people around as a constant running validation of his importance. Funny thing is, when I confronted him about his behavior he suddenly became viciously verbally abusive, with a degree of rage that was truly stunning. That was the final proof, and the end of that nonsense (for me.)
It's hard to see in the beginning, because anyone can have a change in plans now and then. The MOST annoying thing about it was, when he WAS planning on showing up, he would text me to make sure that I was coming (I never once didn't show up, or arrive late.) What I realized later was that he wanted me sitting there, waiting for him, as he made his grand entrance. NEVER AGAIN.
When I started to see how these individuals are actually TRYING to push you around and enjoying your confusion and distress, a lot changed quickly. Because until you really get this, you are kind of kept in a confused state of disequilibrium-- and most of us don't want to believe that someone we thought liked and cared about us really was just toying with us, kind of like a cat playing with a mouse before the cat gets bored and eats the poor thing.
That's it exactly! They gain some kind of sick pleasure in knowing we are sitting there waiting for them, fretting, getting angry, worried, etc. They feed on this. It's quite diabolical when I saw it for what it was.
Sister Sinestra It's a god-complex. They enjoy the power. (And they feel entitled to it.) Remember that the creation of the false self required the murder of the true self. That is why they feel no compassion, and are enraged by any indication that you doubt their magnificence.
A lot of people like to believe that underneath the narcissist is a poor, vulnerable and insecure little thing. The cold hard reality is, that once upon a time, there was a choice. They put that sweet, innocent little child into a room, locked the door, and let it starve to death. As the final whimpers drifted into silence, the false self rose-- an arrogant, entitled, raging beast.
It is this beast, this vampire, that needs human blood (life force) to live. This is why they exhaust you so much. And this is why they SEEK to torment you. This torment takes your power and transfers it into them. (That is why they enjoy it.) Your confusion secures their banquet. (That is why they keep you disoriented and are nice sometimes, nasty a lot.) Your soul is their deepest need-- for that human being that you are they can never be again, for they killed that one and ate it, too.
The hollow in them can never be satiated, and so, when you are no longer useful, they move on, either after your death or once your blood is too weak (or too aware). That is why the grey rock technique works. It's a humdrum diet, and they need ANGUISH.
+Abby Elizabeth This is a brilliant description of these creatures! It is absolutely chilling the level of dangerous psychopathy that they possess. In the last 4 years I met the worst narcissist of my life and he nearly caused me to lose my sanity, my passion for life, my life force. Instead of collapsing and feeding the beast , I got ALL of ME back, and I'm stronger, smarter, fully awake and more in Love with Life than I've ever been. Not because of him and his demonic sick ass self, but because I chose to learn all I could about this cancerous epidemic called NPD which is running amok on our planet, and I chose to rise up, day by day, month by month, and take All of My Power and Love back into Me!
Sister Sinestra Praise God for your awakening as to this manifestation of evil and for your choice of goodness.
I have a SIL who behaved like this toward me and it was the beginning of the end of my husband and my relationship with her, as well as my MIL. We moved to the state they were living so our 3 YO daughter could grow up with her cousin who was a year older than her. I didn't know my SIL well, but I knew that she wasn't a warm person from how she behaved at our wedding. Several times I would set up play dates with them and my SIL would either not show up or show up late like it was no big deal. Never an apology. My husband thought her behavior was odd, but didn't think it was as rude as I thought it was. I finally called her after she didn't show up one time and asked her why she didn't call and boy, did she fly into a rage! Didn't I know she was busy?! How dare I question her and impose on her time! She spoke with such a vile tone that sounded like she was growling through clenched teeth. She hung up after she was through letting me know how out of line she was. The next day she shows up at my home, it was a Saturday so my husband was there, and she acted like nothing happened! Wow.
Weeks lead to months of figuring out what this behavior is, find out my MIL backs my SIL up and plays favorites with grandchildren, says horrific things to me when nobody else is in the room and steams with envy when I am pregnant with my second child when she is having difficulty getting pregnant again. All along my husband had no idea his mom and sister were this way (he's a go-along-to-get-along kind of guy), and apparently with me in the picture their narcissistic behavior rears its ugly head.
We went NC soon after we invited my MIL over for brunch on a Sunday, after her not having time to do so for several months (she has all the time in the world for my SIL's daughter), and she picks up and leaves when SIL calls and asks her to sit for her. Up and gone. My husband handled the calls and conversations after that, telling them we won't come around unless they change their tone toward me. Turns out that was too much trouble for them, so off they went. These Ns just can't get along for anything unless things go their way. Such a shame they are missing out on family because of their twisted pride.
I noticed that my ex-narc loved to make everything I did, or things we did together complicated. Nothing was easy or enjoyable! He pounced on every opportunity to make a problem where no problem existed. One thing he never failed to do was go sit on the toilet for a long bathroom session when the whole family was in the car ready to go somewhere. We were all dressed and ready to go but we had to wait for him to get off the toilet and get in the car every single time. We were always late!
They are exhausting to be with. Everything is an issue.....that turns into an argument, which of course, is always my fault. I will soon be divorced from my narc husband of 14 years.....and he has been going away for work during the week, then returning home on weekends. When Monday comes along, I feel that angels are singing from above, and me with the feeling of "AAAAAHHHHHH." They never stop.
Lauranicole84
This is so true and funny.
I have been there done that madness
No More.
Holy shit. My narc used to come home for the weekends too. When he wasn't "breaking up" with me every month, then he'd start planning our future 3-4 years on and also suggest I go off my birth control. Then call the police. SAIKO living with him was absolute HELL and I only lasted 2+ years. I can't imagine long long term of that shit, I was literally losing my mind.
I know this madness
such a relief to name it, to understand it, to not be alone with it, thrashing about in disbelief....alone..thank you for this site and community
14 years? God love ya! You should b named patren saint for that.
That is so true! My narc was always talking in riddles, mumbling, bouncing me around,
Yes muttering insultive commentary under their breath loud enough for you to hear their frustration, but not willing to speak directly to you so they deny it when you speak directly about it. Right?
This is so true, that they can never truly work with you to accomplish a common goal. They have to keep things like budgeting to themselves and will not allow anyone to control any of their money, even a spouse who is working. If asked to help do the dishes, or any undesired job, they will delegate the job to someone else immediately. If you want to study together or do a project they will find some stupid excuse to get you to do all the work. The Narcissist refuses to change for anybody.
You are so right about that. One thing I noticed is that issues never get resolved . So they tend to bring the same issues up over and over again. They never want to resolve problems. They use this tactic to start arguments and drama. And also to use as a reason to devalue and discard you
If it feels like you have come out of a fog once you distance yourself, you've been with a narcissist. If you feel guilt or tension over doing normal things, you may be with one. I can't believe how much better I have felt since I distanced myself to one friend I was always making excuses for. Day to day life is here to be appreciated and enjoyed to the best of our ability.
They constantly create chaos to try to confuse you
I would rather have my entire body dipped in battery acid than have to deal with a narcissist in any way, shape, or form. They cause way more anxiety and stress than it's necessary to spend any amount of time with them. I'm a person who needs their peace and quiet, and narcissists destroy peace and quiet. Therefore, I don't associate with and or engage with narcissists because I don't want to be put into an asylum.
This is so true according to my experiences, the smallest thing can become a big issue and then they like to blame others for it and play the poor victim...
My narc father used to ask me to help him with things around the house all the time. Things like yard work or just doing maintenance on the house. I didn't really mind since I actually enjoy hard work and being able to see the fruits of your accomplishments. The problem was never with the tasks themselves, but with the fact that the guy would always find something wrong with my technique or my vision of how to get the work done.
Even something like painting a 10'x10' ceiling would turn into an all day event where he would put up roadblocks that make it impossible for me to get anything done. "You have the wrong dropcloth. That's not the right paint brush. Let me just sweep the floor first before you start painting." It's just madness. I would spend hours waiting for him to "approve" the start of the work, and the best part is that he'd later complain about how tired he was from all the work he did all day. What things could I actually point to and give him credit for? He got the "right" dropcloth from the basement and swept the floor. This took him about half of a day to do. If I was paying this man to work in my house, I would have fired him after the first day.
I'm NC now and he managed to find another servant he can abuse. He just so happens to be my brother-in-law.
The best way to deal with a narcissist when they're trying to grab your attention is to either is to completely ignore them or cut off the conversation before it even starts. The phrase I find very helpful is, "I'm busy."
Also, walking away from the narcissist; especially, when they're in the middle of their games works really well.
I'm only one and a half minutes into the video and already feeling exercised about these fatiguing people and how they put us through the third degree over the tiniest non-issue. "Cooperation and coordination" with them is like pulling teeth. All too familiar with the back and forth. It's to gain that control that they have to have every second of every interaction. I can hear the fatigue in your voice as you talk about this. It's just so strenuous even thinking about these people.
Breakthrough Moment it’s psychotic behavior also to me 😳
Good Video, I used to work with a Narcissist and I literally was brainwashed, trauma bond, bullied - I ran 4 my life I couldn't stay with him. It was just all about control control control.. I hated it
I realized I was never going to win, or meet the expectations placed one me because they were set up for me to fail from the beginning.
I can identify with you on so many levels. Control is their main objective. Listening to other people ideas is not rational to them. They make a mountain out of a mole hill. When they are not around its bliss. Life is easier without them. They hate anyone that is happy. I think its a form of jealousy because their mind are constantly thinking out of balance with chaos and discord. When they do return from vacation or whatever, its like a black clouds looming over head, just plain dreadful. I almost feel like a deflated balloon when they return. My few days of joy gone.
ElusvOptmst1 exactly...things are so much more peaceful. even them going to work is heaven, or even going somewhere for an hour...it's such a relief
They're parasitic, pathetic and disgraceful. They DO suck the life and joy and happiness and sanity out of those who've had the misfortune of dealing with them head on.
Don't you just love it when you feel you HAVE TO ESCAPE even for a moment of relief so you do, but then you get the inevitable text, "While you're out, I need you to pick up this and this and this and this.......".
ptanyuh
Well said. I'm living all these posts now...and going out to store and he already told me what he needs......after some rather nasty exchanges a short while ago......gotta get those needs met..there will be time to badger me later....wtf...im better than this....I was a single recently bereaved widow at 30 yrs old and we married 3 yrs later. Now 25 yrs later he's physically and more mentally ill...signs of dementia and unreal women hatred projected on me, the only person in his entire life who did not abandon him through thick and thin and now he tells me to get out? Wtf????
Sadly, scheduling and commitment issues has been my experience w/ narcs to. My time's valuable, but they don't seem to care about the time that I sacrificed for them.
me too.. omgosh they are the most non committed non communicative and find every excuse to get out of it. they like to leave you on edge and they never want to commit to anything so they do not have to be responsible for anything but themselves. they are selfish and do not care about anything you have to do unless it's for their benefit. this and the silent treatment are my 2 biggest issues with narcs. I just can't stand either of these traits in them. it's just not even about doing nothing it's about not being responsible for anything. they want to control every aspect of their life and yours and this is just another way to do that.
I had exactly the same experience in my home with cleaning when I was growing up...every Saturday was like the end of the world...they really find problem for every solution
Problems arise when the narc gaslights and leads others to believe that what the narc thinks and believes is actually true...your then left to not only trying to prove what they say or did is false but then trying to still fix the issues at hand thereafter...like you say, it's all about tactics for them...stalling, delaying and irresponsibility to get things resolved for the greater good of everyone...in the end you get so caught up in a web of their deceit a simple issue to resolve becomes a monumental catastrophic issue in their minds.
If things never feel easy around someone, say something nice and slowly back away. It's ok to take a step back and not get overly involved. You can still love and care for someone from a distance. In my opinion, love isn't actualized until it is able to be received. Please, take your valuable loving tendencies and share with someone who wants to return. A narcissist is forever unable to give. Save yourself, because if the building catches fire he'll run out and leave you trapped to collect the life insurance.
perfect perfect bravo....only people with close interactions with narcs will get this video.....life is just so easier when narcs are not around........so so easier......you get more shit done and can have time left over for personal development.
This is sooo true. I remember trying to communicate with a narcissistic "friend", in an attempt to improve the relationship. My constant frustration with her was how unavailable she was for me. When she needed me, I'd take hours to listen to her but when I needed her, she wouldnt even be available to text. Somehow I always ended up being a "needy" friend. She was the only person in my life who described me like that. I'm so glad I moved on and left the relationship.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and nsight into this from your experience.
Oh, the endless endless back and forth. No matter how carefully you go over the outcome of each and every possible response you could give and try to get the least dramatic one. It's impossible to avoid. You can't be easy going around a narc.
their always moving the goal posts around you and when you dont know up from down & they've flipped your life upside down they will blame you for the misunderstanding., I just dont give ANY voice to their crap, give them a wide berth, or engage at you own peril.
They sure like to be free and easy no commitments and it's puzzling when you haven't yet realised that they only care about themselves because you see their uncooperativeness is so destructive to their relationships and you think ..why would they be like that ..you would never in a million years think they were doing it intentionally and that they really don't care, even for their own kids..there is something missing in them .
It's absolutely baffling to me the same individual who can't complete minor tasks over the corse of years,
finds it a priority to wash their over budget car literally multiple times a day. "appearing busy"
mind you the car gets washed several times a week even per day and honest to GOD they have spent up to 3 and 4 hours at one time !!!!
wow but all hell ensues over a 30 minute drive to Home Depot to actually accomplish tasks of substance like a window repair.
Not to mention grips every month about the light bill that's usually behind because of ridiculous car payments but instead of cutting back on electricity usage ....has EVERY light in the house on at ALL times...
complains and I say hey cut off some lights then your bill will be lower
rocket science I suppose.
claims they need the lights on
dude literally has lights on all day while he's a work
but will actually make a huge scene if I leave a porch light on!!!!
HEY here's a thought how about we go and fix the window to keep the ac from wasting out the window.....¿¿¿¿
BLASPHEMY
sounds funny on a TV sitcom
isn't funny
in real life
:(
Yes!!! Always a problem planning ANYTHING! Always cryptic communication where you feel your not sure of the plan. Always late and never wants to get in the shower to get ready.
Having an illness of some kind, fits what you're saying perfectly. It never goes away, is always there, and can always be used against you. In ever so subtle ways, but to keep mentioning it.....? Pure evil.
Or they love to have you chase them and wonder if the plans are going to come to fruition. This is when you're working with a narc. They love to keep you waiting to see when they're going to respond, if they will respond and keeping you hanging.
They are terrible problem solvers. Everything is a problem and cannot be solved. I asked my ex one day do you like to live in chaos? He was making it seem like it was me but then i advised that the problems come when he shows up. My life isnt generally stressful day to day but they want it to be. He would always complain about how exhausted he was but he never had a job and he never did anything but sit around and watch tv. Why didnt i cook him food after i was working 12 hours? Maybe he could have made it himself? They only talk and have no action behind anything. Their words are very empty.
You hit the nail on the head when you said narcissists make life seem a lot harder than it is. They really do throw a wrench into everything.
Narcissists don't compromise. Thanks for another video.
Omg there was NO PLANNING! It had to be on her terms always. I had to loosen up
All I know is that I love to use words to fix things, and they use words to destroy people
YES! true.I don't understand them going the opposite route of what is "good." I don't get such low IQ thinking.
You said your experience has been that the narcissist continually insisted that you need to fix everything. I've experienced the same type of behavior. My research on this leads me to believe that this stems from unresolved trauma the narcissist experienced in early childhood. They mentally keep replaying the trauma in the hopes of resolving it. The narcissist will often psychologically put their own children in a parental role and themselves in the role of a child. Normally it is the parents job to fix things or problem solve. Not so in the mind of the narcissist. They keep searching for what was missing as a child. The parent that never fixed their problem or met their needs.
Eric James Exactly right.
Yes. This is so annoying and exhausting, I can never ever ever plan anything with him... ever. No matter what. It's so childish. They are all talk. Words and actions never match... ever.
"Life is much easier than narcs make it be". This it home!
What started to really help me, was to not take their cryptic arguments to heart, and do not engage them. Do not engage, is a great step.
AI always felt life was to hard....now I know where I got that from. Scared to ask for help or anything. And if you do something they will find fault with it.
They have no hobbies because as you say they can't see the point.
Also all the Narcs I know are gamblers.
13:43 " Life is a lot easier than they lead you to believe." Amazingly true, i experience that at the moment. Everything falls into place. Without drama🌹.
Holy cow did you cover so much ground that I have also experienced with both male and female narcissists. Scheduling, planning always seems to be a chore with them. The simplest thing like what time to meet, or organization of something seems to become a major event with them. Unless it's around them, scratch that, even when it is around and for them. Also, they have to always be the star, and they talk at you like you said. This was such a great video. I'm learning so much from your channel. I've dealt with many marcs in my day but couldn't put my finger on what it was. Now I know and I'm able to avoid them when it's in my power
Wayne Pret
Spot on narcs are the worst I've got rid of the last one a year ago... So happy...
Ignore them...that helped me thru the relationship until it ended....
This is my strategy until I can get out. The problem is they keep trying to wake me up in the middle of the night and took to throwing things outside my bedroom door. They're trying to provoke me.
OMG you are spot on what I routinely stated to my soon to be ex narc was you are unnecessarily difficult. You make problems where there are none. Over time this becomes exhausting, overwhelming and that is the enablers undoing. It got to the point that I dreading scheduling or planning anything with him. I would rather have a root canal then plan anything with him. Thank you for your insight on this topic. I finally realize I am not crazy.
Great topic! Narc ex used to project on to me that I wanted a medal for my completed domestic tasks. In reality this was beneath her pay grade and was thrilled I was doing it.
She was very steeped in annual traditions. She would have a meltdown if going to the pumpkin patch or Christmas tree farm was somehow threatened. I realized it has nothing to do with her kids and everything to do with her.
These annual performances were her FB opportunities to show she was a great mother. Proof she's "real". It was very stepford wife/mechanical.
I recall making plans to go shopping with her after church on a weekend she did not have her kids. We were looking forward to a relaxing fall afternoon together. After church her kids were gathered around talking to her. She then came over to the group of people I was talking with and let me know we were going to be at church all afternoon for play tryouts. I reminded her of our plans and she had no recollection of them. When she saw how pissed I was she promised we would go the next weekend. We never did.
Narcs believe their own lies. My narc father believed his lies were reality and so did my narc ex.
smoothandchunky1 my Narc now tells me things about me that are not true. makes me mad. I always tell him stop assuming. They never want to be wrong and are know it alls.
Absolutely
KINADOE doe omg mine did that to narrating a story indirectly about me that wasnt true.so first i noticed it i said sorry if your referring to me your totally way off base.
They create a unmanageable amount of issues than you leave you deal with them their issues become your own
Within the first year of the relationship my narcissistic ex husband coined a phrase. I would initiate discussions about the relationship from time to time when I saw problem behaviours. Sometimes he would be constructive and sometimes he absolutely wouldn't. When he wouldn't and I became frustrated, he would smile and tell me that he was being "maliciously uncooperative". Little did I know just how malicious he would become.
Everything you said is so true, thank you for reminding me. Sometimes when there is struggle in my life I forget how it was. How hard every day was , coping with such nonsense.💙
The ridiculousness of the exhaustion you recall… and your comment about how it used to be for you… offers hope for some still struggling in that mess. Thank you.
@@brightpage1020 🥰. I still occasionally want to stab them in the face but it definitely gets less every year 🤗
When the narcissist I'm dealing with at work went away for two weeks with this family, those two weeks were the most peaceful, easy, and happiest two weeks I've ever had since I started working at my place of work. I wasn't filled with stress and anxiety, and everyone, including the other residents seemed more peaceful and happier. Also, the who building seemed tranquilly quiet.
It was like that part of the Beauty and Beast where the spell is broken and all of the darkness and turmoil just melts away and everything seems so sparkling and happy and calm.
I find with my Narc that you can't expect anything regarding scheduling other than doc appts. I am shocked when I am around friends that work around my schedule. It is so different than how the Narc responds. When you feel like a prisoner with a Narc you have to make up your own routine to survive even if it is small things. They will try to uproot it but keep at it. I am learning to face what I am up against and learning what it is in me that attracts these people. It is frightening to see the reality that all they want is their illusion to be propped up as Scott mentions. I am learning daily how to manage and what my other options are for survival. I so love Scott's videos!!
Oh my gosh, that is so true, we had a big blowout over where we were supposed to meet, and I thought that I could vent frustration and say that we need a better system, that took it to level 10 catastrophe! I got yelled out in the street in front of coworkers and told that I treat him worse than a Muslim! When we brought the issue up to him, he blamed me, he said I'm always triggering him.
But when I look back, almost every issue is over scheduling, you're exactly right
And it doesn't even need to be a big deal, but they take it as a personal offense
OMG! My last birthday spent with him was just so awful....... he booked a great sounding get-away-weekend and then "FORGOT" to take any medication with him at all!! He "needs" it every four hours for about the last ten years? So the whole night was all about him and how could I sleep when he was in pain? We had to have breakfast as the restaurant opened at 7 and I drove us back that very morning. ..... but I couldn't complain could I because... well....I'm not in pain.... it was only a birthday outing.... we had to get back to his house to complete the drama in the four walls again!!!
Thank you so much for your insight! And just to say I had the best birthday ever this year because he's not in my life anymore!!!!
100% true. A slow mental death for the victims. These devils carry out a scorched earth policy. It's like living in a barbed wire wilderness for their preys. Sadly they often don't have the strength to break free because their minds and the very essence of their souls is being eroded. It's like watching someone walking to their own death, and you can't do anything to stop that. Very very sad.
and often if they break free for a moment they go right back.....
Quite true. They've lost their bearings as well as their self respect. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging, it's just a fact. Mental control thrives on their deep narcissistic wound. Unless they come to terms with that there will be no emancipation. It will be bondage forever. Narcs are jailers and killers
maria bronn
I hear you sis.... we are not judging we are bearing witness to just how dangerous these individuals are...... those that get away have to break free and run for their lives with all of their might.... its the only way.
The only way I broke free from my narc mum, was to walk away and never look back, except to see how far I'd come. I figured out what she was like, but didn't know what her mindset was referred to as. I now know, and I'm in the process of dumping a lot of junk to get moving 400 miles away to the town we lived in before we moved to my home country.
You can't win with these people, to the point where even the Andromeda Galaxy wouldn't be far enough away from them.
thanks for the reminder everything you mentioned is so true , life is so much simpler when not around them.
They don't want to solve any problems because they don't want us to feel secure AT ALL! They want us to constantly think of what can I do to make us better.
So basically they see your success as not benefitting them, so it means nothing to them.
really enjoyed this. like you said even the simple act of going out to dinner is a hassle. Every Friday my wife, daughter and I go out to dinner. my wife [the BPD/Narc] has recently identified that she has gluten sensitivities, so I end up trying to catering to her restrictions. But every week this is how it goes. I'll email/text around noon for the two of them to start getting an idea of where they'd like to go [attempt to make it easier but never works] I get home from work wife is aggravated, can't decide were to go and get more aggravated if I start tossing out potential ideas. so as I wait for her to finally get ready to go it always happens the same way, she'll get pissy, blame it on her having not eaten much that day. get up and say "are we going or not." as if the delay is on me, then there is a 50/50 chance that the decision with create conflict with the 10 year old, and an additional 25% chance that her and the child we have a tiff over what the child is wearing, or something the child is trying to bring with us to the restaurant, which will invariably result in wife stating that she either will just stay home or not go at all. then we all go to dinner pissed off but once the wait staff shows up at the table then she has the mask back on an is all pleasant and happy go lucky. so frustrating
3:00+ "cryptic speech,.. that is when you are kind of on the hamster wheel" SHAKESPEARE shakesmear this is a huge gold nugget right here mr Scott beam us up
I saw , with all these issues in my ex N, it was an all out effort on his part to gain attention. I saw him as feeling he was very small and insignificant and he would create any opportunity to draw attention to himself. He needed to be the center of everyone's attention, and if not - it wouldn't be pleasant. One holiday we had guests over and dinner. When everyone but him migrated to the kitchen, he said he had to run out to the store, he came back two days later without a word & left me there for the evening to explain to our guests. He eventually said it never happened. Never knew what would come next with the passive aggressive behavior! I'm free two years now & readjusting to the real world.
Mourning Dove this is so true, I think that their reactions are so over-the-top, so when they recall the situation your role always has to be way bigger than it was… Because you were the one who triggered them after all
Mourning Dove this is so true, I think that their reactions are so over-the-top, so when they recall the situation your role always has to be way bigger than it was… Because you were the one who triggered them after all
I had two narc in my life ( my mother and my husband ) both did this ...... my mother in particular would keep changing the goal posts. I'm so over these people . I finally got help with my codependency . Now I finally got it nailed down . No more narcs in my life.
You are spot on! I'm surrounded by these blood suckers! You just can't win. Aaarrrgh
I don't know how much you can be this smart every time.
Hadi Joo experience it long enough it’ll roll right off your tongue
Loved this video, and all the little digs!! :) My experience with my narcissist dad growing up, everything way like summiting a mountain or brain surgery, even small tasks. I just remember my dad spending hours and hours working on our car and not really getting anything done. Something else that I loathed growing up were the stories, when were had company over or were at a gathering, they have a few stories and constantly recycle them, so annoying when you hear it for the 20th time!
Yes, Narcissistic supply is conditional, not just anything qualifies as supply. The closer a person gets personally to the Narc the more they witness the supply requirements. Its different from Narc to Narc. though there's going to be some situations that are similar. It appears on the surface that insecurity is the drive behind their unique supply need. However when you think and consider the Narc is detached from most if not all emotional reality, you realize they have no reality for it like we do. Meaning they have no feelings to regulate their unconcerned behavior. Now consider what your world would be like if you had no inner connection to your emotional side of your brain. Throughout your life you witness everyone else living that inside connection with their emotions and sharing it with others all the time, yet you the Narc can't relate. I can say I do believe I've witness this very confused reality by a couple of Narcs I once knew. too much to go into here. Now to relate this with today's video. If a Narc doesn't feel what you do about what ever is going on with you its because it doesn't do anything for them and they cannot relate to your inside emotional behavior which of course is just natural expected everyday feelings. Again the narc can't relate to it as a normal person can, for normal people are connected emotionally inside, the Narc is the complete opposite inside ....meaning they are disconnected from any or at least not enough emotional feelings...... there !
Everything is so frustrating with them. You can never get anything done with them..NEVER
Yes, yes , ...Everything has to be difficult, or take an enormous amount of time. I have finally found ways to work around it. I call it the " always have a plan B, when plan A does not work" . It has relieved me of so much frustration. If plan B does not work, then opt out. (Survival tip).
Narc brother is such an asshole...loves to dictate exact time to do things...eat especially. Example, I invite the family over to have a meal at my home and he tells me what time the meal should be served. Then, he arrives about 5 minutes ahead so he doesn't have to tolerate us for any longer than necessary. Then, if the meal isn't ready, he says "I knew you would be late. You're always late." He ordered somebody else to show up to the restaurant early and get our name on the list. Then, he called to ask how long it was going to be and showed up at that time. In general, when I go out to eat with others, I don't mind having to wait for a table because it's a nice opportunity to socialize. He got irritated and verbally abusive if someone was late, but if he was late, it was okay because his time is more valuable than anyone else's. He was critical of food that he took no part in purchasing or preparing. Basically, he loved to delegate responsibilities to everyone else and then criticize them for not doing it exactly the way he would because he is perfect. Like I said....asshole.
It's another form of their cruelty too.
Yes. This happens all the time. Thanks for finally helping me figure out what is going on, and it's good to know that I'm not crazy.
Obviously, per comments, an old video. But, informative content from you again. TY
You want to know if i agree or not? All I can do is nod and make mm hmmmmm! noises. after 23 years my eyes are open! Keep up the encouragement. this is NOT an easy road.
Grace Johnston
Me to!
Nearly 20years of his self created chaos and convoluted problems that I have to live with, .... and him always refusing to listen to me, dismissing a simple solution. Its insanity. One created problem of course leads to ten more, all by design to keep me trapped in perpetual FOG.
My eyes are open and arguing is pointless. It just leads to more of his twisted logic.
So I'm leaving, for the final time, never to return. I'm out. Blessed peace and an uncomplicated , SANE, healthy life and recovery.
Woo hoo! :)
XX♡♡
My mother was always about sabotage when it came to scheduling. She was ALWAYS late when you needed her to be somewhere just so she could see you get anxious from being late. I used to tell her when I needed to be somewhere an hour in advance of when I actually did so that I wouldn't have to deal with this crap. Now I just don't talk to her anymore, and I am SO MUCH HAPPIER without this garbage in my life! Thank you Scott, this particular video was very relatable!
So totally agree! That is my day, everyday all day! always simple, but it will always have to be the biggest pain in the ass, just for the smallest thing. So when the conflict comes up it is always me who is the impossible one. Good one! They don't get along, if they aren't the star of the situation. Everyone Must say they are the best and the greatest. That is how I see it. Anything isn't worth doing if they are not the king for the day for that task. Even if it is the smallest thing. This daily conflict stuff is the stuff that makes me feel so frustrated. Because every move is hard to maneuver through.
What I work on is to ignore every word, every attempt to get a reaction. Great video.
7 narcissists didn't "like" this video because it would mean being cooperative Lollll. ;) Your videos are PERFECTION. Thank you! :)
Yes to this video so much! Such trivial conversations that are made into some big deal. It's all just another tactic of control to see how much they can bend you to their will.
The things they keep you busy with our distractions, because you're getting too close to what the issues are!
I keep coming back to your videos to help me cope with 2 narcissist eldery parents and a narcissist SIL. Your descriptions are so spot on.
After 6 months of no contact with my older narc sister, she has sent me a birthday card!!! However it included a domineering note saying , " I want to sort out our parents bungalow. If you want to be involved then get in touch . "
She lives 40 miles away and I am 2 miles from parents old house .
She then wrote, " I hope you keeping control of the garden (back yard) as I'm busy dealing with the finances ".
She has done absolutely nothing to clean up deceased , parents home and I have done so much , so her grandiose words and lack of empathy or remorse are disgusting . But at least I know what I'm dealing with ..... A Total Narcissist !!!!
Narcs eat into your time like nothing else on earth, you just got to get away and see real reality. It’s then you will realise just how capable you are and how much they held you back. You will drop the resentment in time because unlike them you recognise it is the one thing left that links you to that sad lifestyle.
The inability to plan or schedule anything was one of the biggest frustrations with my narc ex. He would ask every day if I was free that evening and I mostly wasn't. I'd suggest tomorrow or the day after but no, he wanted that evening. It'd come to the next day (and I would, by then, have other plans) and the same call would come: 'Can I see you tonight?' I'd be so angry at him for not planning with me and thought he was just being stupid; I never thought it was intentional, so this is eye-opening.
As you say, life is so much easier and simpler without a narcissist around!
Yes, yes, yes! In fact, for me, like as a working single parent of three children ages five, seven, and nine, it's still easier than living in a two parent household with the narcissist.
I agree it's much easier without them. Mine would do virtually nothing to help and anything he did do he thought he was a hero for, as the children were not his - although he saw me exhausted and overworked. In the end it was easier to just let him lead his own life, get on with working and bringing up the children and not ask questions. When I finished the relationship and my children, who he hadn't be able to separate me from (he tried) didn't want contact with him he said in a letter "I brought them up for god's sake!"