Every conversation almost immediately becomes a heated argument. We just can't seem to work through a discussion/disagreement without it quickly deteriorating into a battle, for seemingly no good reason.
When I sense my narc wants the drama of an argument, I will bluntly state that I refuse to get caught up in a circular argument. Sometimes, I’ll say, “Not today, Satan” and walk away as I chuckle to myself 😉
@@gwenrios6268 I disagree. Countless empaths have tried the "soft answer" and STILL suffered the wrath. It's a huge mistake to think we can do anything to change the narc's behavior. The narc's wrath is hard-wired within them. We didn't put it there, we didn't cause it, we can't remove it, and we can't trick them out of it.
Dear Dr. Carter, Upon awakening to the fact that I have been in a narcissistic marriage for 4 decades, I was fortunate to have almost immediately found your site. I feel gratitude and blessed for that. You have helped me, and still do, every time I listen, and I never miss anything you post. I have adult children and 9 grandchildren, which I could not be more grateful for, but the one positive that came out of this intensely painful relationship, was that my faith got stirred up again. I was so depleted mentally and physically that I had neglected the Lord. That fact was just stunning to me. I write this for 2 reasons: First, everything about you seems genuine, kind, empathetic, compassionate, etc., in other words, from the Lord. Second reason is because once I knew what I had been enduring, the pain I felt realizing it was a futile situation was so intense, I really almost lost my will to continue living. I believe I had what is referred to as, "Dark night of the soul". I surrendered to the Lord that night and my life changed almost immediately. Very quickly after, I found you. I now have a peace beyond explanation, and although there are more years behind me than in front of me, I am optimistic, have great energy, and feel joy again. I thank the Lord for you, the wonderful souls in this community, and I just want to say God Bless You, and everyone on this journey.
Bless your precious heart soul o totally feel you hun i just left a 22 years of to be honest i can't put any word except my husband left one day an something evil took his place an literally attacked my son and I I'm just thankful I'm free I pray that my adult children find peaceful freedom to my two little grandbabies don't suffer😢💞🤗🙏👼🦋🏡
Hi, I’m happy my friend to hear how our Lord has helped you move forward to a restored heart. Many of us in team Healthy are grateful to have been lead to Dr Carter. Have a blessed life, it’s just the beginning ♥️🤗
I’m a recovering narcissist. I was mistreated as a child, and bought into the lie that this is a dog eat dog world. That nobody can be trusted, especially with any kind of intimacy. I’m trying to learn basic social skills, just how to listen. I care and I want to learn to get along with others. I watched my mother die, hated and taking her hate to the grave. I want to be better. At least not inflict my 💩onto others. You have helped me a lot, Dr Carter.
Narcissists are the unreasonable ones. Sad but true.😢 It is like talking to a person who does not speak your language or understand it. Did I frustrate myself being hopeful for a change? Yes, all too often. No more. With the help of Dr. Carter, daily, and his many videos, I do not feel alone or without hope. I know Dr. Carter cares. Knowing others' struggles and the changes they have made is encouraging to me too. I don't want to be bitter but thankful for those who do care. I like myself. I'm worth saving. I'm not a throwaway.
@ Rita- Rita Absolutely! Know that you are loved and valued! Your Not Alone! Thank God for Dr. Carter and his expertise and wisdom! Cyber hugs 🤗 and Blessings to You! ❤
Yes you are worth saving. And no you’re not a throw away. Your first paragraph is spot on. I sacrificed so much of myself and personal philosophy to keep the peace in our “conversations” I like your “no more” comment. I started writing a song today with the same title and context. And I feel compelled to share it with you. Care is my affliction Im better at knowing what’s best for you Paved you a road of good intentions You followed me right Yet you claim its the death of you Don’t let me forget to mention (So many) cries for pity and lies that fester through borderline pleas for attention And I supplied your supply And I Have Nothing left for you No more patience to give No more love for this impotent pity Carry your cross But the cost is too heavy I have No more time left to kill With a Glutton who’s cups always empty Yet your mouth is full of venom and envy No more
Thanks for defining good reasons to separate from controlling parents. I am struggling with this right now. My parents have drained me financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. Then they belittle me for being a worthless mess. I was left no choice but to live in a tent while looking after them and their farm animals. I have left now and got a full time paid job and getting my life back on track. My mother is intent on taking revenge on me for not being her slave any more but enough is enough. your videos have helped guide me through a very dark time. Thank you so much !
Yes - Stay away .. they deserve their miserable selves with each other .. you have a wonderful chance to live .. to start enjoying yours. Stay smart. Stay firm.
Their emotional blackmail is intense. It's especially hard on us & painful when we care about their well-being & happiness. We need to rise above that while maintaining love. ❤
I call him my ' kindly uncle', the one who will tell you what you need to hear not necessarily what you want to hear, but does it so kindly you still feel whole afterwards. Thanks Dr C
God says to forgive these people for the wrong doing they've done to you so you don't Carry bitterness in your heart ❤️ God also says don't allow them to continue further abuse guard your heart 🙌🙏🙌
Dr. C I’m a very visual person. Are narcissist the “ripe tides” of human beings? Their sole objective is to take you under. The more and more you try to go against them, the harder it becomes. In the end, all you have to do is swim out, away and around them to safety. This would be similar to the actions of distancing yourself, grey rock and then ultimately no contact.
"how dare you" is my personal fave. When i was questioning whether she was a narcissist or not, and i decided to test the waters a little and this one came out quite often. it's hilarious when she says it, now.
The narc I was with for 24 yrs like a teenager @ the end of our time together with his new supply. Social media addicted. I always thought him to be attractive????? I was actually repulsed by the person I saw. Divorce signed, no contact has changed me for the good. Signing up for trauma based therapy 3 months before I packed his bags. Never to be here again, grateful for my growth through these channels. With grace I wished him well. I like myself once more & have freedom & peace. PS. He is still very nasty, my therapist said “ you outed him, he never saw your intelligence.”
Yes, they never do see our intelligence and strong wills, never mind recognize that we're being patient with them until we see that as pointless. Keep going! Glad to hear of someone who is doing well.
Dr C, these videos have helped me so much. This past few months its been like 💡❗️ 💡❗️ 💡 ❗️lightbulbs going off saying, “THIS is what ive been dealing with!! It has a name! It comes from a playbook! Im not nuts! Im not alone!”. You are a Godsend, Dr C and i thank Him upon every remembrance of you.
Reminds me of people who experience the horror of being molested as kids that then go on to be child molesters. The narcissist was deeply injured during their young development, and then go on to deeply injure the development of the relationship with their chosen target.
Your comparison with molestation and being a narc is horrible. Statistics show that many abused people do not repeat abuse on others.Self awareness, therapy and a good support system helps a person to go forward in life with the scars others have made them endure as a child. I'm a survivor and I take as a personal insult what you have put out to this forum. No wonder people don't want to talk openly or look for justice.
Mike... YOU wrote (narcissist) reminds you of people who experienced the horror (you have NO IDEA) of being molested as kids that then go on to be child molesters....these are your words.
@@lynne-du9ql There are countless stories of molesters getting caught and confessing that they themselves were molested. You then made your own inferences from there, and that's your business.
Dr Carter, where do I start? I am surrounded by narcissist! As a Christian who is a life long learner, I would constantly consider what the Bible had to say about forgiveness and love. I knew there were certain people who would always hurt me, but I would chalk it up as, "they are "lost", or if they seemed to be a Christian, I just tried to forgive and go on". In my despair, I cried out to God, and I found you. Now it all makes sense. Before, I prayed God would help me know who my true friends are, and who my enemies are. And you have clarified so much for me. To a mother who constantly wounds me for the 55 years of my life, to a sister in law who has been in the family for over 40 years, to my husband of 20 years, and my husband's daughter in law. Just to name a few. These individuals are all covert narcissist, and they are so cunning, that I was an easy victim because I tend to completely let my guard down. Now I consciously have to tell myself to not trust these people. It's so sad, ESPECIALLY, when each of these people profess to be christians. So I want to thank you for explaining Narcissism in such a clear, plain and easy to understand way. Now I just have to work at not letting my guard down. Thank you and God bless
Dealing with narcissistic abusers has long been complicated by the Church's errant or incomplete teachings on forgiveness. Jesus always required offenders to admit their sin and then repent from it as His precondition for forgiveness. But way too often the Church instead puts the burden on the wounded victim, insisting we need to "just forgive out of Christian love" without addressing the denial and unrepentance of the offender. And, so, the abuse just goes on and on . . . Since confronting a narcissist about their abuse, even with others backing us up, is an exercise in futility and would only open you to further attack, "Treat them as you would a pagan" is the best advice in the Scriptures (Matt. 18:15-17). Jews in Jesus' time weren't allowed to associate with "Gentile pagans" in any fashion, including allowing them into their homes or at their tables for a meal. That's the cultural context for understanding what it means to treat someone as a pagan. In practice, your only healthy recourse is to go Gray Rock or No Contact, whichever is your possibility. Been there in the same place as you - with inlaws in professional Christian ministry, both of whom were narcissists (self-aggrandizing and abusive to their family members in private, but faked humility and holier-than-thou in public) whose real agenda was to get people to idolize and unquestioningly trust my (now late) Father-in-Law. Yet, the Inlaws' lives were built on lies heaped upon more lies even as they used the Scriptures to manipulate others and even rationalize their own behaviors. As the one person in the extended family who called 'em as I saw them, and refused to conform to their cultish ways, I have been treated as the problem person who deserves scapegoating and backstabbing. So I no longer socialize with the family, and my husband has to go visit them alone. And what relief it has been since I made that choice. Once you back away and close off your personal life from them as you're now attempting to do, you'll start to breath the air of freedom in Christ that He wants for you. May He bless you in your struggle and give you His peace.
Speaking of getting old, I am 58 now and so many of my friends and family around my age try to hard to look young. They do things like dying their hair jet black and wearing clothing made for teenagers. Honestly, it makes them look OLDER!
I've told a narcissist 'You're not even listening to me' and the narcissist said 'Probably not'. Doesn't that just prove the narcissist's inability to reason? You can't reason with someone who doesn't listen to you.
I'm struck by how many years it takes to say enough already. It helps me to forgive myself and flip over to accept myself and enter into a sense of self-worth and dignity. It has taken me over 30 years to get over my divorce and actually become thankful that God rescued me from years of rejection and insignificance. I am finally over all that, and I'm happy knowing there was a God taking care of me and delivering me from evil. Evil is sadness and anger and bitterness. I'm now free to forgive and love and pray for the narcicist. Thank you, Jesus, for that and for your servant, Dr C.
I wish I had a father or sibling like you Dr. C. Just listening to you is so comforting. I'm don't get needy for people so it's not about that. I'm just so grateful for you. There's not enough good healthy or Christian people around especially these days. God bless you our brother.
Neither do I. He has never apologized even out of interest, still hates me for all I have offered him over 15 years, bed , lodgings, my salaries as he had retired at 50 damm so lazy...Now I ve lost my health but kept my home sweet home. Revenge is not my policy. Peace and quiet plus Dr Carter s site although I m French so far from you all. Take care 💐
Dr Carter, I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your father but I’m glad to hear about your good friend and you having each other to share your experiences with. I’m sure your father was very pleased with you. My heart goes out to you and all your family. God bless you.
My elderly narc. mother was raised in an orphanage as a child. You can tell that she lacks the inner reflection and ability to reason with you. She talks over you, thinks she is above everyone. Their is an immaturity about her that has always been there. It has been disappointing to have her for a Mother. She really was not a mother, more like a competitor with the children and family. It is sad to see how she did not grow in her adult life and continues to have an unreality about her.
Had the same with my father. He had controlled me my entire life, and tries to keep me put. He prevented me from living my life. He had some kubd of mind control over me. My solution. Cut him out from my life.
My mother was also in orphanages throughout her childhood. My story is similar. I'm still hanging in there fighting the "pathological loneliness lions as I tolerate doses of self love which can physically be painful at times, sort of like depression pains but with progress. "Just keep moving forward, doesn't matter how slow" is a good reminder that helps me stay sane.
My mother was brought up in her own family but it was highly abusive and dysfunctional. I could forgive her if only she would see the pain she has and still does cause me. Problem is she cannot so whilst I have compassion for her back story, she has none for what I have gone through or what I'm going through right now. Some of the things I consider agregious harms but she has no introspection and a complete lack of understanding of empathy. She can no see my pain in a way that makes me feel cherished. Rather I feel hurt over and over. I've grieved for a relationship I wanted and will never have ✌
An effective way of reasoning is to understand your opponent’s objections and addressing them. There’s a whole list of logical fallacies that I observed while my (estranged, narcissistic) wife “reasoned” with me.
The Narcissist is my 40 yr old disabled son living in our home. Extremely manipulative and lies to authorities. Changes the narrative that he's being abused! Disability rights prevail over senior abuse evidently. We're stuck til either he has a stroke or we do!
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. It's like they have bricks for brains. Nothing can get through. Thank you so much Dr. Carter. I learn from each of your videos. Live in Peace Team Healthy Community.
The “gripe” person wasn’t stating that they wanted to ruin the narcissist. They were saying they were wondering about “ruining the one sided relationship “. Think you misunderstood this person Dr C. I have to agree with them. Narcissistic relationships are usually one sided so its not a “relationship “ anyway. I understand what they are saying. They didn’t say “I don’t care if my honesty ruins THEM” but ruins the relationship.
I just caught the end of this live and it was right on time! I am on my way to visit my Nex because he has his children and we (kids and I) miss each other. Thank you for reminding me that there is NO future here and helping me see a few things about his thought processes that I didn't know. I feel more prepared to be strong within myself and ready to leave and take care of myself when the kids leave (as opposed to being hoovered in again).
Thank you, Dr Carter. I have found that radical acceptance has freed me from any notion that I am (a) responsible for all instances of miscommunication, conflict or hurt feelings, and (b) being in any way realistic in expecting growth or change or any flexibility in finding common ground or reaching deeper mutual understanding. I have now been able to recognise how to approach the practical issues in a way which elicits more favourable co-operation.
When you do move in the direction of healing your life and getting help, you learn that their behavior just can't work in your life any longer. Their behavior just keeps you stuck in that same loop. I wish things were different, but as Dr Carter says, you can't change them.
Dr. C, I am a survivor of most of what I've heard on your channel. And unfortunately they are incomprehensible to most of, but thankfully not all people in my life. Your channel has dramatically improved my life. I want to say that with the full weight of your audience and forum readers' valuable time in mind. I have discovered a practical remedy for one problematic symptom I’ve had plenty of experience with: rumination. And it works, at least in my case. Many people say they do their thinking by means of little internal conversations. I believe that in my case, the use of that mode of thinking has been super-charged. I find that I do a large amount of my thinking in this way. I “ruminate” a lot in other words, but it’s more that it has become my default way of thinking, or can do so easily. Sometimes someone you’re mad at is right there in your mind with you! You’re really telling them! This (sometimes) bad habit comes with years of practice defending yourself when no defense is required. You discover that you need to practice in order to prepare. Which is a hopeless strategy, which you’ll only learn later. It’s how a controlling person of authority in your life can control you when you’re not around. I believe I've developed this bad habit because it is how “Monday morning quarterbacking”, reconsidering and ruminating is done. It’s the go-to tool for “stairway wit”; in my mind, I’m not mad at a person through mental pictures, it’s with words! The, for me, very effective trick is: when you recognize WORDS going through your head, stop and start over. What are you thinking when you are not ruminating? The goal is to only do this kind of thinking, as long as you can. To your audience: how long can you do this continuously? Start by halting the dialogue which hopefully you can do at least briefly. When it starts again, you will obviously be able to recognize it because it’s composed of words! That's what we're trying to stop. One trick that helps me redirect when I go off track: say something out loud. Say anything but always say the same thing. Something silly might help more. It’s an invitation. If it's not for you, that's OK. I'm not saying that internal dialogue is “wrong” but having a tool to interrupt it seems like a good thing. If you want to stop ruminating about anything, try “stop saying words” and do whatever come next. If you can’t, are you afraid or just incapable? ;-)
I remember a point in my life (around age 9 or 10) when I whispered in my spirit that I would be glad when I would reach the point in life when I would not depend on my parents for ANYTHING. I was so angry and hurt by the punishments and rules and shaming. But b/c of that mindset on my part, I feel that I am very guarded now in my most personal relationships.
My husband endured the same, with the additional whammy of religious abuse as part of the narcissistic abuse. His parents, both narcs, were in professional Christian ministry, and they brow-beat their children in myriad ways into conformity to their wills and standards so they could show off the family's (imagined) superiority to everyone else. The worst punishment was rejection by the parents and withdrawal of their affection - all of which they had closely tied to God's approval and love. So each child was terrified that God would stop loving them, too, if they didn't please their parents. What I would suggest is to look for discussion threads online for "Adult Children of Narcissists." I once came upon such a thread in which they all talked about how they learned early in childhood to lie to protect themselves from worse punishments than they were already enduring, and some found the habit hard to break even in adulthood and independence from their parents. My husband of 44 years is still incapable of opening up about the most important things in life because of his need to protect himself from challenges to his ideas and values. And he still resorts to lies in order to avoid accountability for things he's done. So, you're not alone in what you went through and how hard it has affected you. Keep looking for others' anecdotal accounts of their experiences and how they are trying to deal with the aftermath. Learning how to recognize truly decent people from manipulative narcs is a skill we all need to acquire in order to make friends we can trust.
I wonder if the person saying they are okay with ruining the relationship with the narcissist means they will just go by their own values and way of doing things. Because for a narcissist this does 'ruin' the relationship. The person might not be trying to actively ruin anything, maybe they are just going to be themselves (which the narcissist sees as ruining everything).
It did cross my mind while trying to reason with my ex, maybe he's mentally retarded or a slow learner (I don't mean that in a joking or disrespectful way). When I realize he got pleasure out of hurting me, I understood he was very aware of the way he made me feel.
Returning dysfunction with dysfunction doesn’t bring you anywhere good. Lowers you to their level and doesn’t provide a chance for the other person to go up a level
I don’t deny that somone I love may be narcissistic; I just don’t want to believe it. I feel guilty for even thinking that and ask questions to try to make sure one way or the other.
I suspect like me you were trained to think this way. By doing so we reject ourselves and go deep into self blame and rumination. Logically I think now that there is no way this is all my fault, it's not possible. Try to take a step back and think about yourself and how you are feeling and why you're punishing yourself. We aren't perfect but we don't deserve to feel guilty all the time. My mother is the queen of,passive aggressive, not listening, making me feel defective. It was her job to nurture who I am, not superimpose herself onto me. And btw having thoughts isn't a crime it's just their ear worms get so deep we can't hear ourselves✌
@@ro7547 and a long journey it is in my experience anyways. Just came across a Facebook post and included my old school. Hit home how I felt as a kid and the effects of all that to this day. I wish I'd known then what I know now. The very best to yo. All we can do is move forwards and as Dr c tells us to learn and grow and care :)
I always knew that my husband of fifty years was stuck in his teen years with a toddler temper but I was busy with our three children and tried to keep him happy and not upset. I failed but never understood why until recently. I know that I did the best I could do and that it is his problem not mine to solve! I am so done, but will he ever grow up?
Mourning from FRANCE 😢 with you Dr Carter over the sad loss of your beloved father who must have been a warm hearted, supportive, well read daddy 🧓living in your soul now. My deepest condolences.... Time flies, narcs are much tougher than us and so resilient when it comes to THEIR HEALTH...terrified by aging. I missed most of your programme alas but according to French Psychologie magazine, they would be suffering from a serious psychosis similar to acute paranoïa, being locked in a bubble of ego centered infatuation, delirious from dawn to dusk so dialogue proof, wicked and revengeful when ignored, unable to learn from their past...Meds against paranoïa along with sociabilisation quite young could help but without an IRM and more studies worldwide as they flee...they sound pessimistic. Your channel is mind blowing 🎉, soothing 😊and addictive, reading your healthy community exchanges is the sweetest addiction. Many thanks to You. 🌷 🦋 🐶 Gus was not seen..
Dr C…I must say that you have answered so many questions for me in my marriage of 32 years to my narcissistic wife…arrested development, lack of future thinking, reasoning, triangulation,gaslighting that I have endured in coming to a repeated point of my wife stating she hates people like me and projecting her narcissism onto me and labeling me…it hurts my heart that I now realize the woman I married is a fabrication of who I thought she was and her words of “the wife you are looking for, I’m not her!” I will never be what you’re looking for and you’ll never get what you’re looking for in a marriage…you have helped me to better understand what I am experiencing. My heart goes out for her need for help and her denial of having any problems, but I simply cannot go on and lose myself. I have to end this because God is first in my life and you cannot control my desire to follow Him instead of continuing to be controlled or manipulated by you to feed your source of power…
Bottom Line, we live in an immoral "SELF" society. We also live in a "throw it away" society, rather than working through things. Sad, an all of us as a society are reaping the consequences of the selfishness.
After 20 years of marriage to a very narcissistic man, I have been thinking about divorce for at least 4-5 years. Recently I told my husband that I want a divorce, that we do not get along well and I do not wish to live under stress and in constant arguments and fighting as I get older. To this he replied: "Why don't you just calm me when I get angry?" He wouldn't take his actions as his own responsibility but instead puts the responsibility of his behavior on me.
As someone who isn't a fan of kids, i just cant stand dealing with a adult acting like a small child! How would I act/deal with this? I'm tired of how I've been dealing with it, I'm sure I can do better.
Sorry for your loss Dr. Carter. My condolences to you and your family. Thank you. It's ironic that as I struggle with this individual, the universe keeps repeating your exact message. Radical acceptance. I am not ruining the relationship. They did that. I know I tried for years. I understand i don't owe this person my effort and they don't owe me theirs. I reached out one last time, offered compassion, sympathy and empathy that fell on the deaf ears of someone that's hopelessly stuck in a dysfunctional pattern. Understanding recently that even the pleas of their own grandchildren makes zero impact. Radical acceptance. I can't help them so radical acceptance is for me, for my peace. Sometimes it takes hearing something from multiple sources for the idea to hit at the right time. Thank you.
I agree with you 😊 Dr.C. There is a time and place to be yourself. I too have had to confront people about an issue that they presistantly keep picking at. It like they are picking at a sore until it bleeds. So lets get it out and settle it. But narcissist I have noticed will flip the script and retreat. It their way of causing irritation and distrigulation in my life. The narc is an aggitator. Thanks Dr. C.
Dr Les, have you ever been able to help a Narcissist? As the family scapegoat I was arrested in developing in so many ways and and so many stages. I’m not a narcissist as I know I do care about other peoples feelings. But I’m very much like a narcissist in that I couldn’t develop the real me. I have so much pain and resentment for what has happened to me. And like a narcissist I do blame people for hurting me. I’m trying to unwrap the bound up psychological core of myself. Thats the plan. To open myself up and then parent myself so that I can develop boundaries assertiveness and self support and self love and self respect. But I think I’m very much like a narcissist who wasn’t allowed to develop me. I do want to get help. If you’ve ever seen a narcissist improve, what was the thing that worked ? I will try it myself.
Life is complex. Understanding and knowledge depends on context. Not everyone has the identical context to us, so, communication requires patience, time, and compassion. Do you have patience?
I could never reason with my ex wife. Any time I would try, she would shut down and accuse me of trying to control her. She was always unable to compromise in any way, on any subject. It was always her way or the highway.....I took the highway.
My sympathy at the loss of your father. My own father was a kind, intelligent, soft spoken loving man who never raised his voice or spoken unkindly about anyone, especially my mother. Image my horror at living with a husband who is a NPD. Rarely is there a day that he doesn't contemptuously criticize my every move. His lack of forward thinking about how his behavior affects me has driven me to live a separate life while residing in the same house. He wonders why we are no longer intimate! Screaming insults is just not a turn on, it's a turn off and shut down.
Dr. C., I may be wrong, but I believe you may have changed the issue slightly of the first person’s point of view. I believe they were saying that they don’t mind speaking the truth, even if it means ruining a one-sided “relationship”. I don’t believe they were implying that they wished ruined upon the individual. I noticed this because I’ve exercised the same thought, and the result predictably lead to nothing positive, except for the relief of speaking the truth to the narcissist plainly, and out loud. The personal benefit of that should not be discounted outright.
This video helped me to process what I heard today. I was thinking about a particular kind of narcissism that is a product of Feudalism. Our kind of Feudal culture, or similar examples from Scotland like Macbeth and the Clans - we have a similar style with narcissism being the root modus operandi of families and individuals. Today the failing boys of our culture were just talking about 'beating' this one and 'slapping' that one. 'Stealing' from that one. As your observation, in our Feudal ancient narcissism, there was no self control to educate themselves just how to look 'better'. As competition, as you say. The Feudal adult males today were just throwing their weight about, shouting and punishing with no agenda to improve the boys but just continue the Feudal narcissism of eras. It is interesting that the Scottish removed Feudalism in a way that we have not managed yet. I did read that the Dutch were behind it but it took 200 years. I don't think the Feudal society type of narcissism with narcissistic families like cults are exactly like the SMART phone Western narcissism like the aged woman looking young as you say. But 'Arrested Development' is an illuminating label to describe how this narcissism works. But narcissism in Feudal cultures seems like a 'tribe' that wants to replicate itself? Great videos ; ) K
13:17 tired of being quiet and the narc is already in a ruinous mode, why not stad for love and goodness and NOT be ruinous like the narc! Amen. And yet, Dr. C, Sometimes we say things emotionally. And I xan say, too, that " I DONT CARE...." And I really I care and know no matter I say, the narc will not be ruined. And they will. Not. They fight back and with ugly vengeance.
I think I know the answer but.... is there something I can say to the narcissist in my life that will convey "I care about you but it's not healthy for me to converse with you". I love you channel and it has helped me so much. I have gone no contact with my grandmother but the kicker is.... she lives next door and we share a property.... she tries to talk to me and I say "I have no comment" and walk away. well, cue the tantrum, name calling, storming off....
Edit (missed you saying about your dad first time round. My condolences for your dads passing Dr c. Glad you had auch a positive conversation and supportive ppl around you). This vid like most is perfect timing as I had to have contact yest. I never come out of it feeling anything has changed. Still that same old things. Communication is impossible because we don't speak the same language. I speak empathy and introspection. They speak 'my own egocentric perspective' and cannot or will not understand how you feel. They speak, I care more about myself than you. Accepting this is painful but at least with all I've learnt the pain is less✌
It's so not worth the effort trying to figure out a way to speak to a narcissist so that they'll "understand" and/or "get along" better. I'm 50 and just went no-contact with my 84 year old mother. She literally brought me a few times to a suicidal state; she's also violent and racist. I simply couldn't take it any more. I literally wasn't allowed to speak unless spoken to. Treated basically like a 5 year old, forever.
Oh my- I left the narc system ALMOST 4 years ago- but I dreamed about them last night. Eww. They stick in your mind residually… And no they don’t reason AT ALL
@Surviving Narcissism Can you please speak on how to deal the trauma when you recognize the betrayal of those who should of cared for you and how to deal with the idea that your life was a lie?
Narcissistic behaviors are so different, and even while I dislike when someone has too much ambition and immorality - is very attracted to fame, high ranks - would want to make acquaintance with rich and powerful people no matter how bad they are - would boast about it - would make selfies every day and sometimes half-dressed - would disdain poor people while complaining about rich narcissistic partners or when someone doesn't care about their close people, only cares about their fragile personality and self-righteousness - would not do things around the house properly - would be too ashamed to ask others for something they are due (fake dignity) or when they need help - would try to protect their righteousness even if it put close people in danger (optionally: would watch too much pundits who speak about the greatness of a certain nation) so while I dislike those behaviors, healthy people exhibit them as well to some extent. Narcissists though bring those behaviors to extremes, just like that photogenic granny And I learned some fragile narcissistic tactics myself, hard to unlearn them Maybe all narcs are too sensitive when it comes to their own shortcomings and flawed strategies - they always have some sort of greatness on the 1st place.
Hey doctor C it's good to be here! I understand you lost your father and I'm really sorry for your loss and I know how it feels like cuz I lost my mother recently. It's never easy no matter how old they are when they pass away. At least you have a family! I have nither.
The nonchalant face like he's in another world. You can tell he's not listening....he proceeds to say, "we're just going in circles." He doesn't want it to work out. Just leave.
Dear Dr C, my condolences to you and your family. You were blessed that your journey together was relatively long. I hope your brother is doing well too, I remember the podcast you did together during lockdown. It was fascinating, I watched it a good few times and recommended it to several friends.
Every conversation almost immediately becomes a heated argument. We just can't seem to work through a discussion/disagreement without it quickly deteriorating into a battle, for seemingly no good reason.
I usually say, in my mind, immature #@&%$# . Instead of taking the bait. It takes practice but it helps my blood pressure.
Same for me
When I sense my narc wants the drama of an argument, I will
bluntly state that I refuse to get caught up in a circular argument. Sometimes, I’ll say, “Not today, Satan” and walk away as I chuckle to myself 😉
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
@@gwenrios6268 I disagree. Countless empaths have tried the "soft answer" and STILL suffered the wrath. It's a huge mistake to think we can do anything to change the narc's behavior. The narc's wrath is hard-wired within them. We didn't put it there, we didn't cause it, we can't remove it, and we can't trick them out of it.
Their reasoning is always whatever makes them right.
Funny how that works.
Boom
Lol
they cannot process my Honest input... They are a SELFISH STEAM ROLLER, exhausting.
These toxic individuals live by their feelings and don't know their triggers!! They are too proud to self-reflect.
Dear Dr. Carter,
Upon awakening to the fact that I have been in a narcissistic marriage for 4 decades, I was fortunate to have almost immediately found your site.
I feel gratitude and blessed for that.
You have helped me, and still do, every time I listen, and I never miss anything you post.
I have adult children and 9 grandchildren, which I could not be more grateful for, but the one positive that came out of this intensely painful relationship, was that my faith got stirred up again.
I was so depleted mentally and physically that I had neglected the Lord.
That fact was just stunning to me.
I write this for 2 reasons:
First, everything about you seems genuine, kind, empathetic, compassionate, etc., in other words, from the Lord.
Second reason is because once I knew what I had been enduring, the pain I felt realizing it was a futile situation was so intense, I really almost lost my will to continue living.
I believe I had what is referred to as, "Dark night of the soul".
I surrendered to the Lord that night and my life changed almost immediately. Very quickly after, I found you.
I now have a peace beyond explanation, and although there are more years behind me than in front of me, I am optimistic, have great energy, and feel joy again.
I thank the Lord for you, the wonderful souls in this community, and I just want to say God Bless You, and everyone on this journey.
Amen. That's the answer. I agree. You are blessed.
Bless your precious heart soul o totally feel you hun i just left a 22 years of to be honest i can't put any word except my husband left one day an something evil took his place an literally attacked my son and I I'm just thankful I'm free I pray that my adult children find peaceful freedom to my two little grandbabies don't suffer😢💞🤗🙏👼🦋🏡
I am grateful for you to have these new insights in your life.
I have watched this channel for a while and am taking one of his classes. Dr. C is for real!
Hi, I’m happy my friend to hear how our Lord has helped you move forward to a restored heart. Many of us in team Healthy are grateful to have been lead to Dr Carter. Have a blessed life, it’s just the beginning ♥️🤗
My deepest condolences to you and your family, Dr. Carter, on the loss of your father.
I’m a recovering narcissist. I was mistreated as a child, and bought into the lie that this is a dog eat dog world. That nobody can be trusted, especially with any kind of intimacy. I’m trying to learn basic social skills, just how to listen. I care and I want to learn to get along with others. I watched my mother die, hated and taking her hate to the grave. I want to be better. At least not inflict my 💩onto others. You have helped me a lot, Dr Carter.
So pleased. You didn't have a choice in where you started, but you can have a choice in how you end. Best wishes to you.
Catharine, I wish you all the best.
Narcissists are the unreasonable ones. Sad but true.😢 It is like talking to a person who does not speak your language or understand it.
Did I frustrate myself being hopeful for a change? Yes, all too often. No more.
With the help of Dr. Carter, daily, and his many videos, I do not feel alone or without hope. I know Dr. Carter cares.
Knowing others' struggles and the changes they have made is encouraging to me too.
I don't want to be bitter but thankful for those who do care. I like myself. I'm worth saving. I'm not a throwaway.
Hugs. I got away from narcy ex inlaw right mean
@ Rita- Rita Absolutely! Know that you are loved and valued! Your Not Alone! Thank God for Dr. Carter and his expertise and wisdom! Cyber hugs 🤗 and Blessings to You! ❤
@@Onelove858
Think you for your kind words. I'm in the right place. ❤
@@LaniLanilei WONDERFUL!!!❤️Im so glad your are!
Yes you are worth saving.
And no you’re not a throw away.
Your first paragraph is spot on.
I sacrificed so much of myself and personal philosophy to keep the peace in our “conversations”
I like your “no more” comment.
I started writing a song today with the same title and context.
And I feel compelled to share it with you.
Care is my affliction
Im better at knowing what’s best for you
Paved you a road of good intentions
You followed me right
Yet you claim its the death of you
Don’t let me forget to mention
(So many)
cries for pity and lies that fester through
borderline pleas for attention
And I supplied
your supply
And I
Have
Nothing
left for you
No more patience to give
No more love for this impotent pity
Carry your cross
But the cost is too heavy
I have
No more time left to kill
With a Glutton who’s cups always empty
Yet your mouth is full of venom and envy
No more
Thanks for defining good reasons to separate from controlling parents. I am struggling with this right now. My parents have drained me financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. Then they belittle me for being a worthless mess. I was left no choice but to live in a tent while looking after them and their farm animals. I have left now and got a full time paid job and getting my life back on track. My mother is intent on taking revenge on me for not being her slave any more but enough is enough. your videos have helped guide me through a very dark time. Thank you so much !
Sending a hello to you lilvalentine. I totally get what you are saying. Please know you are not alone in your journey 🦢
YES. STAY AWAY FROM THEM AND SUPPORT AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT THAN THEY WERE GIVING YOU.
Yes - Stay away .. they deserve their miserable selves with each other .. you have a wonderful chance to live .. to start enjoying yours. Stay smart. Stay firm.
Their emotional blackmail is intense. It's especially hard on us & painful when we care about their well-being & happiness. We need to rise above that while maintaining love. ❤
Dr. C is like an internet dad for many of us ) you are lucky to have dad for so many years beside you. Thank you for your wisdom and knowledge 🎉
You're so kind. Thank you.
I call him my ' kindly uncle', the one who will tell you what you need to hear not necessarily what you want to hear, but does it so kindly you still feel whole afterwards. Thanks Dr C
Dr. C is kind, educated, relatable and a snappy dresser. Easy to love Dr. C.
Aww,I agree and that's a great way to put it🤗
Well, I'm closer to his age, so I just look at him as my private therapist. Free of charge, too. Can't beat that. He is a good man.
Never fight 🔥 with 🔥 if you do your going to get burned 🙌 just wash your hands of the mess you can't fix 🙏
"Why are there so few safe people?" is a metaphysical, unanswerable question. Be a safe person.
God says to forgive these people for the wrong doing they've done to you so you don't Carry bitterness in your heart ❤️ God also says don't allow them to continue further abuse guard your heart 🙌🙏🙌
Love this! Hard to accept, but that is what God says😊
God obviously was never married to a narcissist 😂
Dr. C I’m a very visual person. Are narcissist the “ripe tides” of human beings? Their sole objective is to take you under. The more and more you try to go against them, the harder it becomes. In the end, all you have to do is swim out, away and around them to safety. This would be similar to the actions of distancing yourself, grey rock and then ultimately no contact.
Their sole objective is to protect themselves. If they feel they have to pull you under, you're just collateral damage. Don't take it personally.
“Who are YOU to question ME?” This was the usual point. Anything beyond that involved threats.
"how dare you" is my personal fave. When i was questioning whether she was a narcissist or not, and i decided to test the waters a little and this one came out quite often. it's hilarious when she says it, now.
"LISTEN TO ME" when they are wrong is my fave!!!!😂😂😂😂❤
@@mandilynn24 Wow - I'd forgotten that one! Yikes.
The narc I was with for 24 yrs like a teenager @ the end of our time together with his new supply. Social media addicted.
I always thought him to be attractive?????
I was actually repulsed by the person I saw. Divorce signed, no contact has changed me for the good.
Signing up for trauma based therapy
3 months before I packed his bags.
Never to be here again, grateful for my growth through these channels.
With grace I wished him well.
I like myself once more & have freedom & peace.
PS. He is still very nasty, my therapist said “ you outed him, he never saw your intelligence.”
Yes, they never do see our intelligence and strong wills, never mind recognize that we're being patient with them until we see that as pointless. Keep going! Glad to hear of someone who is doing well.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. You’re in my prayers! We just buried our wonderful mother Saturday.
He was 94 and knew it was time. Nonetheless it is a time for personal reflection.
I just buried my mom 2 weeks ago too. I’ll be praying for Dr.C as well
@@kariroderick1507 love and prayers for you!
Dr C, these videos have helped me so much. This past few months its been like 💡❗️ 💡❗️ 💡 ❗️lightbulbs going off saying, “THIS is what ive been dealing with!! It has a name! It comes from a playbook! Im not nuts! Im not alone!”. You are a Godsend, Dr C and i thank Him upon every remembrance of you.
No you are not alone.
Reminds me of people who experience the horror of being molested as kids that then go on to be child molesters. The narcissist was deeply injured during their young development, and then go on to deeply injure the development of the relationship with their chosen target.
Your comparison with molestation and being a narc is horrible. Statistics show that many abused people do not repeat abuse on others.Self awareness, therapy and a good support system helps a person to go forward in life with the scars others have made them endure as a child. I'm a survivor and I take as a personal insult what you have put out to this forum. No wonder people don't want to talk openly or look for justice.
Just because you have been hurt as a child doesn't mean you have a pass on hurting another human being.
@@lynne-du9ql You've put so many words into my mouth, I won't rectify it.
Mike... YOU wrote (narcissist) reminds you of people who experienced the horror (you have NO IDEA) of being molested as kids that then go on to be child molesters....these are your words.
@@lynne-du9ql There are countless stories of molesters getting caught and confessing that they themselves were molested. You then made your own inferences from there, and that's your business.
Dr Carter, where do I start? I am surrounded by narcissist! As a Christian who is a life long learner, I would constantly consider what the Bible had to say about forgiveness and love. I knew there were certain people who would always hurt me, but I would chalk it up as, "they are "lost", or if they seemed to be a Christian, I just tried to forgive and go on". In my despair, I cried out to God, and I found you. Now it all makes sense. Before, I prayed God would help me know who my true friends are, and who my enemies are. And you have clarified so much for me. To a mother who constantly wounds me for the 55 years of my life, to a sister in law who has been in the family for over 40 years, to my husband of 20 years, and my husband's daughter in law. Just to name a few. These individuals are all covert narcissist, and they are so cunning, that I was an easy victim because I tend to completely let my guard down. Now I consciously have to tell myself to not trust these people. It's so sad, ESPECIALLY, when each of these people profess to be christians. So I want to thank you for explaining Narcissism in such a clear, plain and easy to understand way. Now I just have to work at not letting my guard down. Thank you and God bless
Dealing with narcissistic abusers has long been complicated by the Church's errant or incomplete teachings on forgiveness. Jesus always required offenders to admit their sin and then repent from it as His precondition for forgiveness. But way too often the Church instead puts the burden on the wounded victim, insisting we need to "just forgive out of Christian love" without addressing the denial and unrepentance of the offender. And, so, the abuse just goes on and on . . .
Since confronting a narcissist about their abuse, even with others backing us up, is an exercise in futility and would only open you to further attack, "Treat them as you would a pagan" is the best advice in the Scriptures (Matt. 18:15-17).
Jews in Jesus' time weren't allowed to associate with "Gentile pagans" in any fashion, including allowing them into their homes or at their tables for a meal. That's the cultural context for understanding what it means to treat someone as a pagan. In practice, your only healthy recourse is to go Gray Rock or No Contact, whichever is your possibility.
Been there in the same place as you - with inlaws in professional Christian ministry, both of whom were narcissists (self-aggrandizing and abusive to their family members in private, but faked humility and holier-than-thou in public) whose real agenda was to get people to idolize and unquestioningly trust my (now late) Father-in-Law. Yet, the Inlaws' lives were built on lies heaped upon more lies even as they used the Scriptures to manipulate others and even rationalize their own behaviors.
As the one person in the extended family who called 'em as I saw them, and refused to conform to their cultish ways, I have been treated as the problem person who deserves scapegoating and backstabbing. So I no longer socialize with the family, and my husband has to go visit them alone. And what relief it has been since I made that choice.
Once you back away and close off your personal life from them as you're now attempting to do, you'll start to breath the air of freedom in Christ that He wants for you. May He bless you in your struggle and give you His peace.
@@susansheldon2707well said ❤
Speaking of getting old, I am 58 now and so many of my friends and family around my age try to hard to look young. They do things like dying their hair jet black and wearing clothing made for teenagers. Honestly, it makes them look OLDER!
I've told a narcissist 'You're not even listening to me' and the narcissist said 'Probably not'. Doesn't that just prove the narcissist's inability to reason? You can't reason with someone who doesn't listen to you.
Those are the words of a jerk.
Or just stares out the window or over your head....dreadful individuals....I'm depleted.
I'm struck by how many years it takes to say enough already. It helps me to forgive myself and flip over to accept myself and enter into a sense of self-worth and dignity. It has taken me over 30 years to get over my divorce and actually become thankful that God rescued me from years of rejection and insignificance. I am finally over all that, and I'm happy knowing there was a God taking care of me and delivering me from evil. Evil is sadness and anger and bitterness. I'm now free to forgive and love and pray for the narcicist. Thank you, Jesus, for that and for your servant, Dr C.
I wish I had a father or sibling like you Dr. C. Just listening to you is so comforting. I'm don't get needy for people so it's not about that. I'm just so grateful for you. There's not enough good healthy or Christian people around especially these days.
God bless you our brother.
You're so kind. Thank you.
My first question about the "safe person" question was "are you a safe person for others?" That kind of thing gets returned.
Amen, Dr. C! I don’t want to hurt anyone, no matter how much they have hurt me.
Neither do I. He has never apologized even out of interest, still hates me for all I have offered him over 15 years, bed , lodgings, my salaries as he had retired at 50 damm so lazy...Now I ve lost my health but kept my home sweet home. Revenge is not my policy. Peace and quiet plus Dr Carter s site although I m French so far from you all. Take care 💐
@@laurence.MusicAndSights God bless you!
@@ro7547 GBY too in our realm of 🕊 😇 far from toxic souls
I do…….
Dr Carter, I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your father but I’m glad to hear about your good friend and you having each other to share your experiences with. I’m sure your father was very pleased with you. My heart goes out to you and all your family. God bless you.
Dr. C, my condolences on the passing of your father.
My father was also of The Greatest Generation. Weren't we blessed to have their wisdom?! 💜
My elderly narc. mother was raised in an orphanage as a child. You can tell that she lacks the inner reflection and ability to reason with you. She talks over you, thinks she is above everyone. Their is an immaturity about her that has always been there. It has been disappointing to have her for a Mother. She really was not a mother, more like a competitor with the children and family. It is sad to see how she did not grow in her adult life and continues to have an unreality about her.
Orphanage sad lonely childhood. Much damage in CATHOLIC orphanages and beatings😢
Had the same with my father. He had controlled me my entire life, and tries to keep me put. He prevented me from living my life. He had some kubd of mind control over me. My solution. Cut him out from my life.
My mother was also in orphanages throughout her childhood. My story is similar. I'm still hanging in there fighting the "pathological loneliness lions as I tolerate doses of self love which can physically be painful at times, sort of like depression pains but with progress. "Just keep moving forward, doesn't matter how slow" is a good reminder that helps me stay sane.
My mother was brought up in her own family but it was highly abusive and dysfunctional. I could forgive her if only she would see the pain she has and still does cause me. Problem is she cannot so whilst I have compassion for her back story, she has none for what I have gone through or what I'm going through right now. Some of the things I consider agregious harms but she has no introspection and a complete lack of understanding of empathy. She can no see my pain in a way that makes me feel cherished. Rather I feel hurt over and over. I've grieved for a relationship I wanted and will never have ✌
An effective way of reasoning is to understand your opponent’s objections and addressing them. There’s a whole list of logical fallacies that I observed while my (estranged, narcissistic) wife “reasoned” with me.
You make sense, Aaron.
The Narcissist is my 40 yr old disabled son living in our home. Extremely manipulative and lies to authorities. Changes the narrative that he's being abused! Disability rights prevail over senior abuse evidently. We're stuck til either he has a stroke or we do!
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. It's like they have bricks for brains. Nothing can get through. Thank you so much Dr. Carter. I learn from each of your videos. Live in Peace Team Healthy Community.
Thanks, Alice!!
The “gripe” person wasn’t stating that they wanted to ruin the narcissist. They were saying they were wondering about “ruining the one sided relationship “. Think you misunderstood this person Dr C. I have to agree with them. Narcissistic relationships are usually one sided so its not a “relationship “ anyway. I understand what they are saying. They didn’t say “I don’t care if my honesty ruins THEM” but ruins the relationship.
I just caught the end of this live and it was right on time! I am on my way to visit my Nex because he has his children and we (kids and I) miss each other.
Thank you for reminding me that there is NO future here and helping me see a few things about his thought processes that I didn't know. I feel more prepared to be strong within myself and ready to leave and take care of myself when the kids leave (as opposed to being hoovered in again).
Nice new word "Nex". And yes, we must not be hoovered and repeat the same suffering.
Thank you, Dr Carter. I have found that radical acceptance has freed me from any notion that I am (a) responsible for all instances of miscommunication, conflict or hurt feelings, and (b) being in any way realistic in expecting growth or change or any flexibility in finding common ground or reaching deeper mutual understanding. I have now been able to recognise how to approach the practical issues in a way which elicits more favourable co-operation.
When you do move in the direction of healing your life and getting help, you learn that their behavior just can't work in your life any longer. Their behavior just keeps you stuck in that same loop. I wish things were different, but as Dr Carter says, you can't change them.
Dr. C, Thanks for saying it's good to be empathic. Also for reminder to develop firmness about boundaries. These are fascinating topics.
Dr. C, I am a survivor of most of what I've heard on your channel. And unfortunately they are incomprehensible to most of, but thankfully not all people in my life.
Your channel has dramatically improved my life. I want to say that with the full weight of your audience and forum readers' valuable time in mind.
I have discovered a practical remedy for one problematic symptom I’ve had plenty of experience with: rumination. And it works, at least in my case.
Many people say they do their thinking by means of little internal conversations. I believe that in my case, the use of that mode of thinking has been super-charged. I find that I do a large amount of my thinking in this way.
I “ruminate” a lot in other words, but it’s more that it has become my default way of thinking, or can do so easily. Sometimes someone you’re mad at is right there in your mind with you! You’re really telling them!
This (sometimes) bad habit comes with years of practice defending yourself when no defense is required. You discover that you need to practice in order to prepare. Which is a hopeless strategy, which you’ll only learn later.
It’s how a controlling person of authority in your life can control you when you’re not around.
I believe I've developed this bad habit because it is how “Monday morning quarterbacking”, reconsidering and ruminating is done. It’s the go-to tool for “stairway wit”; in my mind, I’m not mad at a person through mental pictures, it’s with words!
The, for me, very effective trick is: when you recognize WORDS going through your head, stop and start over. What are you thinking when you are not ruminating? The goal is to only do this kind of thinking, as long as you can.
To your audience: how long can you do this continuously? Start by halting the dialogue which hopefully you can do at least briefly. When it starts again, you will obviously be able to recognize it because it’s composed of words! That's what we're trying to stop. One trick that helps me redirect when I go off track: say something out loud. Say anything but always say the same thing. Something silly might help more.
It’s an invitation. If it's not for you, that's OK.
I'm not saying that internal dialogue is “wrong” but having a tool to interrupt it seems like a good thing.
If you want to stop ruminating about anything, try “stop saying words” and do whatever come next. If you can’t, are you afraid or just incapable? ;-)
I remember a point in my life (around age 9 or 10) when I whispered in my spirit that I would be glad when I would reach the point in life when I would not depend on my parents for ANYTHING. I was so angry and hurt by the punishments and rules and shaming.
But b/c of that mindset on my part, I feel that I am very guarded now in my most personal relationships.
My husband endured the same, with the additional whammy of religious abuse as part of the narcissistic abuse. His parents, both narcs, were in professional Christian ministry, and they brow-beat their children in myriad ways into conformity to their wills and standards so they could show off the family's (imagined) superiority to everyone else. The worst punishment was rejection by the parents and withdrawal of their affection - all of which they had closely tied to God's approval and love. So each child was terrified that God would stop loving them, too, if they didn't please their parents.
What I would suggest is to look for discussion threads online for "Adult Children of Narcissists." I once came upon such a thread in which they all talked about how they learned early in childhood to lie to protect themselves from worse punishments than they were already enduring, and some found the habit hard to break even in adulthood and independence from their parents.
My husband of 44 years is still incapable of opening up about the most important things in life because of his need to protect himself from challenges to his ideas and values. And he still resorts to lies in order to avoid accountability for things he's done. So, you're not alone in what you went through and how hard it has affected you. Keep looking for others' anecdotal accounts of their experiences and how they are trying to deal with the aftermath. Learning how to recognize truly decent people from manipulative narcs is a skill we all need to acquire in order to make friends we can trust.
I wonder if the person saying they are okay with ruining the relationship with the narcissist means they will just go by their own values and way of doing things. Because for a narcissist this does 'ruin' the relationship. The person might not be trying to actively ruin anything, maybe they are just going to be themselves (which the narcissist sees as ruining everything).
What is it like to have good memories? I am 61 years old and can honestly say that I don't have any at all.
I hope you start making them now, whatever way you can, with whoever that's possible. Friends, family, coworkers...
It did cross my mind while trying to reason with my ex, maybe he's mentally retarded or a slow learner (I don't mean that in a joking or disrespectful way). When I realize he got pleasure out of hurting me, I understood he was very aware of the way he made me feel.
That's sadistic.
I've come to the same conclusion concerning my mother. I believe she's an undiagnosed special needs child. No sarcasm.
I often wondered if the narcissists I was dealing with were on the Autism Spectrum . 😂
Returning dysfunction with dysfunction doesn’t bring you anywhere good. Lowers you to their level and doesn’t provide a chance for the other person to go up a level
Have you ever seen a golden child seek healing and realize anything?
😂
I don’t deny that somone I love may be narcissistic; I just don’t want to believe it. I feel guilty for even thinking that and ask questions to try to make sure one way or the other.
I suspect like me you were trained to think this way. By doing so we reject ourselves and go deep into self blame and rumination. Logically I think now that there is no way this is all my fault, it's not possible. Try to take a step back and think about yourself and how you are feeling and why you're punishing yourself. We aren't perfect but we don't deserve to feel guilty all the time. My mother is the queen of,passive aggressive, not listening, making me feel defective. It was her job to nurture who I am, not superimpose herself onto me. And btw having thoughts isn't a crime it's just their ear worms get so deep we can't hear ourselves✌
@@bereal6590 thank you. I think you’re right! Good luck to you in your journey!
@@ro7547 and a long journey it is in my experience anyways. Just came across a Facebook post and included my old school. Hit home how I felt as a kid and the effects of all that to this day. I wish I'd known then what I know now. The very best to yo. All we can do is move forwards and as Dr c tells us to learn and grow and care :)
Dr. Carter
Sending condolences for the recent loss of your Pop . Bet he gave a real good report about you to the boss🙏💔😇
Radical acceptance is everything
I always knew that my husband of fifty years was stuck in his teen years with a toddler temper but I was busy with our three children and tried to keep him happy and not upset. I failed but never understood why until recently. I know that I did the best I could do and that it is his problem not mine to solve! I am so done, but will he ever grow up?
No, he will only get worse as he ages.
There are so many channels that covers the topic narcissism. But this simply put, is the best channel. Thanks for sharing this information.
Thanks so much.
I'm so blessed to have found you Dr. C you have done an awesome job on giving insight on this subject 🙌 knocked it out of the park ( Home Run ) 💯🎯
Thanks, Nicole!
Mourning from FRANCE 😢 with you Dr Carter over the sad loss of your beloved father who must have been a warm hearted, supportive, well read daddy 🧓living in your soul now. My deepest condolences....
Time flies, narcs are much tougher than us and so resilient when it comes to THEIR HEALTH...terrified by aging.
I missed most of your programme alas but according to French Psychologie magazine, they would be suffering from a serious psychosis similar to acute paranoïa, being locked in a bubble of ego centered infatuation, delirious from dawn to dusk so dialogue proof, wicked and revengeful when ignored, unable to learn from their past...Meds against paranoïa along with sociabilisation quite young could help but without an IRM and more studies worldwide as they flee...they sound pessimistic.
Your channel is mind blowing 🎉, soothing 😊and addictive, reading your healthy community exchanges is the sweetest addiction. Many thanks to You. 🌷 🦋 🐶 Gus was not seen..
Exactly because it's not usually from pain it's usually from them getting their way constantly and not being held accountable or properly disciplined
Dr C…I must say that you have answered so many questions for me in my marriage of 32 years to my narcissistic wife…arrested development, lack of future thinking, reasoning, triangulation,gaslighting that I have endured in coming to a repeated point of my wife stating she hates people like me and projecting her narcissism onto me and labeling me…it hurts my heart that I now realize the woman I married is a fabrication of who I thought she was and her words of “the wife you are looking for, I’m not her!” I will never be what you’re looking for and you’ll never get what you’re looking for in a marriage…you have helped me to better understand what I am experiencing. My heart goes out for her need for help and her denial of having any problems, but I simply cannot go on and lose myself. I have to end this because God is first in my life and you cannot control my desire to follow Him instead of continuing to be controlled or manipulated by you to feed your source of power…
Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes you have to add to your quality of life by subtracting what is toxic. I wish you the best.
Bottom Line, we live in an immoral "SELF" society. We also live in a "throw it away" society, rather than working through things. Sad, an all of us as a society are reaping the consequences of the selfishness.
After 20 years of marriage to a very narcissistic man, I have been thinking about divorce for at least 4-5 years. Recently I told my husband that I want a divorce, that we do not get along well and I do not wish to live under stress and in constant arguments and fighting as I get older. To this he replied: "Why don't you just calm me when I get angry?" He wouldn't take his actions as his own responsibility but instead puts the responsibility of his behavior on me.
Thanks Dr C for sharing your personal experiences with the Team Healthy Collective. You truly are an Earth Angel ❤❤❤
Hi and thanks for your wisdom and time. Sure love and look forward to these TEAM HEALTHY topics and grateful for your path. 🙏
Praying for you Dr. Carter 🙏❤️🩹
As someone who isn't a fan of kids, i just cant stand dealing with a adult acting like a small child! How would I act/deal with this? I'm tired of how I've been dealing with it, I'm sure I can do better.
If I get my revenge, they have won, I’m just like them.
Sorry for your loss Dr. Carter. My condolences to you and your family.
Thank you.
It's ironic that as I struggle with this individual, the universe keeps repeating your exact message.
Radical acceptance.
I am not ruining the relationship. They did that.
I know I tried for years.
I understand i don't owe this person my effort and they don't owe me theirs.
I reached out one last time, offered compassion, sympathy and empathy that fell on the deaf ears of someone that's hopelessly stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.
Understanding recently that even the pleas of their own grandchildren makes zero impact.
Radical acceptance. I can't help them so radical acceptance is for me, for my peace.
Sometimes it takes hearing something from multiple sources for the idea to hit at the right time.
Thank you.
Thanks so much!! Keep learning. #TeamHealthy
My condolences, Dr Carter, for the loss of your beloved father
Thank you.
To my previous comment, I meant to add, social media helps no one, though are a few people who utilize it for good intentions.
I agree with you 😊 Dr.C.
There is a time and place to be yourself. I too have had to confront people about an issue that they presistantly keep picking at. It like they are picking at a sore until it bleeds. So lets get it out and settle it. But narcissist I have noticed will flip the script and retreat. It their way of causing irritation and distrigulation in my life. The narc is an aggitator. Thanks Dr. C.
Dr Les, have you ever been able to help a Narcissist? As the family scapegoat I was arrested in developing in so many ways and and so many stages. I’m not a narcissist as I know I do care about other peoples feelings. But I’m very much like a narcissist in that I couldn’t develop the real me. I have so much pain and resentment for what has happened to me. And like a narcissist I do blame people for hurting me. I’m trying to unwrap the bound up psychological core of myself. Thats the plan. To open myself up and then parent myself so that I can develop boundaries assertiveness and self support and self love and self respect.
But I think I’m very much like a narcissist who wasn’t allowed to develop me. I do want to get help. If you’ve ever seen a narcissist improve, what was the thing that worked ? I will try it myself.
From time to time, I'd have a successful case, usually after a major personal crisis. Check out the video, A 7 Part Plan For Overcoming Narcissism.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thanks I will!
Life is complex. Understanding and knowledge depends on context. Not everyone has the identical context to us, so, communication requires patience, time, and compassion.
Do you have patience?
I could never reason with my ex wife. Any time I would try, she would shut down and accuse me of trying to control her. She was always unable to compromise in any way, on any subject. It was always her way or the highway.....I took the highway.
I can spot a narcissist from 10 kilometers away. I can even locate them from text, from example a forum.
Love these weekly Q&A sessions. Thanks 🙏🏽 Dr C. We appreciate your time and thoughtful feedback.
Thanks! I'm setting up the questions for today's new live feed!
My sympathy at the loss of your father. My own father was a kind, intelligent, soft spoken loving man who never raised his voice or spoken unkindly about anyone, especially my mother. Image my horror at living with a husband who is a NPD. Rarely is there a day that he doesn't contemptuously criticize my every move. His lack of forward thinking about how his behavior affects me has driven me to live a separate life while residing in the same house. He wonders why we are no longer intimate! Screaming insults is just not a turn on, it's a turn off and shut down.
Dr. C., I may be wrong, but I believe you may have changed the issue slightly of the first person’s point of view. I believe they were saying that they don’t mind speaking the truth, even if it means ruining a one-sided “relationship”. I don’t believe they were implying that they wished ruined upon the individual.
I noticed this because I’ve exercised the same thought, and the result predictably lead to nothing positive, except for the relief of speaking the truth to the narcissist plainly, and out loud. The personal benefit of that should not be discounted outright.
I think social skills can be learned. It takes work, though, and lots and lots of practice.
This video helped me to process what I heard today. I was thinking about a particular kind of narcissism that is a product of Feudalism. Our kind of Feudal culture, or similar examples from Scotland like Macbeth and the Clans - we have a similar style with narcissism being the root modus operandi of families and individuals. Today the failing boys of our culture were just talking about 'beating' this one and 'slapping' that one. 'Stealing' from that one. As your observation, in our Feudal ancient narcissism, there was no self control to educate themselves just how to look 'better'. As competition, as you say. The Feudal adult males today were just throwing their weight about, shouting and punishing with no agenda to improve the boys but just continue the Feudal narcissism of eras. It is interesting that the Scottish removed Feudalism in a way that we have not managed yet. I did read that the Dutch were behind it but it took 200 years. I don't think the Feudal society type of narcissism with narcissistic families like cults are exactly like the SMART phone Western narcissism like the aged woman looking young as you say. But 'Arrested Development' is an illuminating label to describe how this narcissism works. But narcissism in Feudal cultures seems like a 'tribe' that wants to replicate itself? Great videos ; ) K
13:17 tired of being quiet and the narc is already in a ruinous mode, why not stad for love and goodness and NOT be ruinous like the narc! Amen. And yet, Dr. C, Sometimes we say things emotionally. And I xan say, too, that " I DONT CARE...." And I really I care and know no matter I say, the narc will not be ruined. And they will. Not. They fight back and with ugly vengeance.
My condolences to you and your twin brother, and the rest of your family. It's upsetting even if we're expecting it. I bet he was a great guy!
Thank you so much.
Condolences to you and the family Doc. May the grace of God strengthen you through this time of loss.
Sorry for you loss. My deepest condolences and sympathies for you and your family. Prayers for strength 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Thank you for all you do…
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Father, Dr. Carter.
Thank you. He was 94 and was in very poor health, so he was ready. It's still an adjustment.
I think I know the answer but.... is there something I can say to the narcissist in my life that will convey "I care about you but it's not healthy for me to converse with you". I love you channel and it has helped me so much. I have gone no contact with my grandmother but the kicker is.... she lives next door and we share a property.... she tries to talk to me and I say "I have no comment" and walk away. well, cue the tantrum, name calling, storming off....
Actually if you say that statement it won't change her, but it still may be healing for you to say it out loud anyway.
Edit (missed you saying about your dad first time round. My condolences for your dads passing Dr c. Glad you had auch a positive conversation and supportive ppl around you). This vid like most is perfect timing as I had to have contact yest. I never come out of it feeling anything has changed. Still that same old things. Communication is impossible because we don't speak the same language. I speak empathy and introspection. They speak 'my own egocentric perspective' and cannot or will not understand how you feel. They speak, I care more about myself than you. Accepting this is painful but at least with all I've learnt the pain is less✌
Hello Team Healthy.
Appreciate your authentic and insightful posts Doc!
You're welcome.
It's so not worth the effort trying to figure out a way to speak to a narcissist so that they'll "understand" and/or "get along" better. I'm 50 and just went no-contact with my 84 year old mother. She literally brought me a few times to a suicidal state; she's also violent and racist. I simply couldn't take it any more. I literally wasn't allowed to speak unless spoken to. Treated basically like a 5 year old, forever.
Thank you very much Dr. Carter. Top shelf information as always. Brilliant. 🙂
I'm sorry for your sore heart over the loss if your father.
Thank you.
Oh my- I left the narc system ALMOST 4 years ago- but I dreamed about them last night. Eww. They stick in your mind residually…
And no they don’t reason AT ALL
Dr. so sorry for your loss, praying for you! Thank you for all you do!
Thank you.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Hecwas a fortunate man to have you
Sorry to hear about your Dad.
Condolences on the loss of your father.
@Surviving Narcissism
Can you please speak on how to deal the trauma when you recognize the betrayal of those who should of cared for you and how to deal with the idea that your life was a lie?
I think the only way to deal with betrayal is to grieve. He has a video on that
@@ginafarley6190 I need more direct instructions. I have big decisions. Grief is a process.
Narcissistic behaviors are so different, and even while I dislike when someone has too much ambition and immorality
- is very attracted to fame, high ranks
- would want to make acquaintance with rich and powerful people no matter how bad they are
- would boast about it
- would make selfies every day and sometimes half-dressed
- would disdain poor people while complaining about rich narcissistic partners
or when someone doesn't care about their close people, only cares about their fragile personality and self-righteousness
- would not do things around the house properly
- would be too ashamed to ask others for something they are due (fake dignity) or when they need help
- would try to protect their righteousness even if it put close people in danger
(optionally: would watch too much pundits who speak about the greatness of a certain nation)
so while I dislike those behaviors, healthy people exhibit them as well to some extent. Narcissists though bring those behaviors to extremes, just like that photogenic granny
And I learned some fragile narcissistic tactics myself, hard to unlearn them
Maybe all narcs are too sensitive when it comes to their own shortcomings and flawed strategies - they always have some sort of greatness on the 1st place.
Sorry to hear about your dad and all the hard things about navigating the loss🙏
"Collective of Healthy People - Team Healthy🌞🌝of Dr. C🌟"👏👏👏👌👌👌Many thanks🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
So pleased!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Hey doctor C it's good to be here! I understand you lost your father and I'm really sorry for your loss and I know how it feels like cuz I lost my mother recently. It's never easy no matter how old they are when they pass away. At least you have a family! I have nither.
Thanks for the encouraging words, David. He's been gone since last May.
Thank you for all your advice and help Dr.C. Its been monumental in beginning. my healing journey.
The nonchalant face like he's in another world. You can tell he's not listening....he proceeds to say, "we're just going in circles." He doesn't want it to work out. Just leave.
Dear Dr C, my condolences to you and your family. You were blessed that your journey together was relatively long. I hope your brother is doing well too, I remember the podcast you did together during lockdown. It was fascinating, I watched it a good few times and recommended it to several friends.
Thanks so much. He was 94, and was ready. But it's a loss nonetheless
I too am sorry to hear about your dad's passing. My condolences to you and your family Dr. Carter.
'My little screen tells me you're alive!'
Thank you Dr. C
Greetings to Waco
From London
That can make confronting them not always a safe situation.