Establishing Healthy Boundaries with Adult Children (Part 2) - Allison Bottke
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- Опубликовано: 28 фев 2022
- Standing in heaps of trash, alcohol, drugs, and broken glass, Allison Bottke felt devastated. She had helped her young adult son clean up his life and rent a home, only to have him relapse into his old lifestyle, trash the rental home, and disappear. The next time Allison saw him, he was on the county’s “most wanted” list. When she noticed that almost every other person on the “most wanted” list was also in their 20s and 30s, she started thinking about the other heartbroken parents feeling powerless to help their young adult children. In this interview, Allison challenges parents of young adults to employ a tough love approach and break free of the stranglehold adult children have on their hearts. She shares a six-step acronym SANITY to help parents find understanding and freedom.
For more resources on this topic: bit.ly/3pnBPhw
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This woman is so right and so brave to be so open and vulnerable. I appreciate her honesty and that she’s willing to share her experience with us.
I’ve recently cut off a son who’s addicted, criminal behavior and belligerently disrespectful. I appreciate hearing this validating testimony
🙏
praying for ongoing courage for you and peace in your life --- letting go is so so painful
I am currently doing the same thing
this is a beautiful message --- letting our children work out their own lives and make their own mistakes --- letting them have the dignity of their own journey. I have been a rescuer for so long and I am working on changing.
What an incredible talk.
As a mother myself, it’s hard to imagine parents going through this. Though, it once again shows us our fragile life. Because it could happen to anyone.
So thankful to Ms. Allison and her transparency & vulnerability.
So thankful to you both for this show. Truly has blessed my life and family.
Praise the Lord
Allison Bottke is an amazing author! Her books are full of wisdom and encouragement; let's not forget "tough love"!❤
This was me and I’m raising my 3 grandchildren as a result. Thank you for this 🙏🏻
I am going through this right now with two adult daughters and I've backed away now, I do have hope for them and continue to Pray for them. It is so heartbreaking to see your adult children on a road to self destruction. 😢🙏💔
Praying for you Evelyn 🙏
My parents are experiencing this chaos with my 42 year old brother and his disastrous life choices. As a believer, it's hard to provide counsel and support to my parents who are not believers. And now my mother is in very early stages of Alzheimers. Very frustrating and discouraging.
I really appreciate the discussion on adult children. Not many discussions are found on this in Kenya it’s also the same reality. Thanks Focus on the family
I was so happy to find Focus , I listen to the radio every morning,a year ago I purchased the bk and passed it on.Allison had a lot of courage to open up with her painful story to help other families, thx you!
We appreciate your interest in our radio program and resources, Elsa. Your kind feedback means a lot to us! God bless you, friend.
As a divorced parent, I needed to hear this. My son is 21 and starting to become a problem. I have to stop enabling him. This is a revelation for me. The SUN just came out in my life. Thank you.
Thank you for having this for us! We all think we are alone,suffering guilt,continuously taking responsibility for behaviors that are choices due to free will they are all making...boundaries are the only way for the wound to heal for them to want to make the change🙏🏽👑🌹
Thank you for this talk. I walked through this same pain five years ago. She hit the nail on the head multiple times.
A friend sent me these videos a year after they aired. God’s timing is always perfect.
Thank you. My 19 yr old started disrespecting us his parents, came home intoxicated and I asked him to move out. I feel devastated, he is angry living with a family member and I thank you so much for talking about your story. I don’t feel so alone today!
My sister raised 2 grandson's and is now raising her Great grand daughter. Has had her since a few months old and is now 4 yrs old. Sis is 65 yrs old
Oh Allison thank you!! Thank you FOF for having this interview. I have realized I am an enabler to my 32 y/o son still living at home. I must purchase your book. ❤️
We're glad you enjoyed our broadcast, Carolyn. If there's any way we can come alongside you, please don't hesitate to call 1-800-A-FAMILY. God bless you!
Enabling is crippling
Was in court last month for my son, that touched home for real. Thank you.
Beautiful lady..thank you..so glad to hear that Chris is safe and caring about what is most important ♥️
Finding this talk has really gave me some perspective on to. Better handle things. Allison you have no idea how your transparency has touched me. I just wish the gentleman would stop cutting her off when she's making a point
How generous and brave she is. I hope this interview helps many families. Thank you to Allison and to Focus for having her as a guest.
Thanks Jim, John and ALLISON. Such wisdom you have learned Allison and thank you to the hosts for drawing it out. The fear of the Lord truly is the beginning of wisdom. Jim I can see your words of wisdom and John your kindness and humility.
Hi, Eve! We're encouraged by your positive response to our broadcast "Establishing Healthy Boundaries With Adult Children," and are pleased that it was meaningful to you. Thank you for your feedback. Blessings!
I am so happy to find focus
What happens when you do push your adult son or daughter out to make it on their own when they are just mooching from you (not drug addicted) but the grandparents step in and give your child money behind your back. We were practicing the "tough love" but now our daughter is estranged from us because she looked at us as the "bad people" who made her get her own place and pay her own bills but grandma and grandpa stepped in and gave her a bunch of money to not have to make it on her own? It's a tough path.
There is nothing you can do if negative forces step in your relation with your daughter.
It gave me everlasting hope for change
Wow! This is so relevant and needed these days. I love Allison's principals and philosophy on boundaries. We need to look deep within our selves to uphold healthy boundaries with loved ones. I've struggled myself. Therapy, having someone keep me accountable, reading and educating myself have helped. I'm trying to change my family tree from this. 🙏🙏🙏
I have a 35 year old daughter that thinks she can tell me who I can talk to. Speaks very rude to me and tares me down. She lives on her own but takes her angers out on me. I am her beating post.
It would be painful, but healthy boundaries are God's example in the Bible over and over again. What would you lose by totally cutting off relations with this abusive daughter?
Thank you for bringing this important and timely discussion to the table.
I am one of those mothers. My husband is very sick. We have had our 38 yr. Old daughter, son-in-law that haven’t talk to either my husband our myself.
In the beginning I was the problem. I went and received Christian counseling. I realized through counseling that I was not just the problem. My husband is still very sick. He says he is going to listen to me. Then he doesn’t. We had to purchase a house for them in order for them to move out. I blame myself. My husband is still very sick. He has said to me his wife, I just want to buy our daughter a house and then die. Being his wife it’s devastating. I have forgiven myself after hearing what you are saying.
Thank you very much for the very interesting helpful interviews!
Much Love from South of France
Wow Allison, your story with son is exactly like mine is today 2024
What do you do when one parent is the enabler and is a stumbling block to the other who is trying to set boundaries
Do whatever you can to improve your marriage. Learn from my mistakes: Don't make your kid the focus, make your spouse your priority, because as your marriage goes, the kid goes. Get rid of anger and contempt. Show respect and vulnerability toward your spouse. Ask for his help. Ask for his input, and cooperate. Blessings and prayers for you today!
Blessings &gratitude🙏💖
I’m working on changing my behaviour. I share the pain that she is going through. I needed this message, thankyou
Been there. Done that. NO MORE. And my son shows me very little respect. I deserve respect. But he talks to me very disrespectful 😒
Indeed a blessing. Just what I needed right now. The Lord bless you for sharing your pain, so we can flourish in the midst of our pain.
I feel bad for her,, she’s such a loving Mum ♥️
I bought her book about 10 TEN years ago.....best book lve found ever....FOTF & Dr James Dobson is amazing from the 1990's also‼️‼️‼️🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Allison you may have went through a hard time with your son, regardless YOU look beautiful. YOU hair looks beautiful ❤️
I wrote my adult freeloading daughter a letter, told her in specific terms what my expectations are and her move out date. If she doesnt comply she will be evicted becsuse she pays no rent, shes legally just a freeloading guest. It was the best thing to do for both of us.
I am a recovering codependent Mom, I struggle with discipline, fear of loss, and my son killing himself if I Throw him out he threatened to do this, then what? I realize this is just said to defend himself. All he wants is to smoke, use deck 8, a legal form of Marijuana, drink.
Thank you for ur broadcast and for this guests sharing. So so needed in today's life journeys
It’s encouraging to read your positive feedback, friend! We appreciate your interest in our broadcast. If you need any help, please don’t hesitate to call us at 1‐800‐232‐6459. God’s best to you!
Daughter is with a guy who is schizophrenic and in and out of legal problems and jail-she's in denial and is furious that I disapprove of their relationship and won't like him as a guy for her. She is furious with me and now not talking to me - guess I need to let her go and pray. I'm getting "you're just selfish, you're defensive , you're always the victim." I tried to say I was angry at the whole situation and she said I was being selfish.
We have our granddaughter staying with us for a month with her 15 month old baby. She left her boyfriend, but keeps going back for a day or a few,“for the baby”.
Now she’s a month pregnant from the same boyfriend. Says she wants to break up with the boyfriend. Not working yet. Leaves to let “baby see boyfriend” & doesn’t come home when she says she will.
We’re too old for this!
Hello, Leslie. We’re sorry to hear you’re experiencing such pain and disappointment over the choices your granddaughter is making, though we can certainly understand why you’re feeling that way. We want to come alongside you, and the best way we can is to invite you to contact one of our Christian counselors. They would be pleased to offer encouragement and any helpful information they're able. You may call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MT). They would be pleased to offer encouragement and any helpful information they're able. The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able.
In the meantime, we’re praying for your granddaughter, that God may lead her in His best plan for her life, Be assured of our prayers for you and your family, as well. May the Lord's wisdom and hand of grace direct your steps in the days ahead.
She knows there are no consequences for her behavior. Does she work? Is she taking classes toward a career? What boundaries and responsibilities does she have? Are you raising her child? Btw, I've been where you are. It was very painful.
I so needed this! Thank you so much
What a great book, I would definitely purchase this testimony
Appreciate listening to this information thank you for sharing...
Thank you so much
Thank you!
My son has been in and out of prison since he was 17. He is now 43, still an addict. I never got him out of jail and did not give him money. It didn't work.
So sorry 😢 🙏🏻
My son has been in prison most of his adult life. He is mentally ill with multiple diagnosis. The way I see it I did tough love and it didn't work. I do send money because prisons do not give them what is necessary to get by for 30 days at a time and anyone who things differently doesn't know a thing.
Hello, Bonnie. We’re very sorry to hear that your son is incarcerated. Be assured that we’ll be praying for him, asking God to provide wisdom, courage, and strength in the midst of this trying time. Know that we're praying for you, as well. May the Lord fill your heart with His peace that surpasses all human understanding (Philippians 4:7) in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
Also, so that we might come alongside you in a way that addresses your specific situation, we invite you to call one of our counselors. They would be pleased to offer encouragement and any helpful information they're able (at no cost to you). You may call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able. God bless you.
I was wondering about safety for parents who decide to apply this. How do you protect yourself from possible pushback which can possibly be violent.
Hi Millicent - So much depends on the individual circumstances. If this is a concern for you or someone you care about, please contact us to arrange a free phone call with one of our counselors (855-771-4357). Blessings!
Move to another country or state if possible. Do not let them get your contact number.
You call the police on them.
"Tough love". So hard, but very needful.
I don't necessarily think that it's a sin for people to take opioids even though they cause physical dependency. I've come to learn through personal experience that there is a big difference between physical dependency and mental addiction. If the person is in active addiction they will be consumed with ideology about the drug or the pain medicine. But if they are simply taking it as prescribed even though they will become physically dependent I don't think that's a sin. Many people have to rely on modern medicine even pain medicine to function and have a full life. This is a tricky area for believers. We tend to be really judgmental and think we know what's right for everyone else.
I don't think that's what she was trying to say
😊It’s my understanding: it’s a fact in the medical community. If you only take the meds when you’re in pain, you won’t become addicted. But, if you continue to take them when you’re no longer in pain, just because you like the way they make you feel. Then, you are abusing drugs and you become addicted. HTH
I will continue to pray my Lord to change me and help me stop being an enabling mother 😢
I Ave an adult son who is married with 2 kids and a step child
He is well educated but he has not been able to launch and live independently for the past 13. years.I feel sorry for my grandkids and so I have been provide for all of them and now at 68 I am exhausted and feel that I should have let them struggle just like other people do.
What amazing testimony.
Y IELD ❤️ it
Thanks for your positive feedback, Ana! God bless you.
Is there any teaching on healing broken enabling relationships through codependency? My thoughts go to David in scripture and his family dynamics. I especially appreciate your points on wishing you had dealt with things earlier. I am looking at studies on narcissists . I also appreciate your honesty and saying how you started seeing your own reflection. Thank you all
Yes, buy her book they’re selling. 😊
This woman like me has a lot of pain.Yes we need to apologize to them to be able to lead independent children
I'm elderly and having issues with my adult daughter. Talk to our adult children? How?
You're hormones let you protect you're child for 30 years it's not so difficult to figure out that you have trouble with you're self to let them out off you're life, but growing up is letting go
I am in the same place.
Thank you! Where can I purchase this book, I live in Germany. I am in an almost simular situation.... I need to change ....
How do you do it when he will not leave, with shelters cost so high.
HOW IS HER SON CHRIS DOING NOW, JULY 2023???
Why does the guy asking the questions keep interrupting the lady.? They have her on the program for a reason! Let her answer completely! He's not letting her complete the thought!
I noticed that too, but I think it’s because of the time limit and he is trying to get her to move through the acronym of her book before the end of the program.
No different then any another interview
I agree. Left me frustrated.
My son is disrespectful and angry all the time
🙏🙏🙏
So where exactly do you get a support group???
Unfortunately some young people have to hit rock bottom to understand and become healthy adults . They're emotionally ,cognitively so behind respect their peers and totally disconnected with the adult world that they 're not able to understand the dynamics of life ,the scheme itself, time. It's going to take long time for them to understand . Sometimes their entire life . If they have a kind nature it's always worthed to fight for them.
💞
Trust your heart?! "The heart is deceitful above all things. Who can know it? Bad advice.
Right, bad advice for parents manipulated by, or grieving over, lost children. The guilt makes us try harder...and we just do more and more of the wrong things.
Thanks for your feedback, Katherine. Here are a few articles that might offer better advice for your specific situation - bddy.me/3EiP2QG, bddy.me/3huMCp0, and bddy.me/3EiP5fk. We hope these are helpful, friend.
Unless your heart is transformed by Christ.
That passage is written about a wayward people
Plse assist me with book.
😢😢Z
"tough love" is one reason there are so many homeless and mentally ill people everywhere.
It's not because of "tough love." It's because of their choices that have brought them to that tough love. Tough love is a consequence. Consequences are never to blame. Actions are to blame.
Spunds like allison child is narcissistic
Don't waste your 50 minutes folks. These programs had ZERO answers for really troubling scenarios.
I respectfully disagree, John. I felt the interviews were a condensed version of a book, which goes into much more detail. Myself… I’m motivated, encouraged and comforted after listening. I now have better ideas on just how to begin! I know we are all in different places along this journey though. I pray for ALL of us, parents and our adult children, to find healing and peace. Blessings. 🙏♥️🙏
I would disagree. Very helpful