Connecting Differently Abled Friends and Allies in Quaker Meetings
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- Опубликовано: 30 авг 2023
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Filming and Editing by Christopher Cuthrell
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Excerpt:
Differently Abled Friends and Allies is a working group, under the care of New York Yearly Meeting, where people with or without disabilities can come together and learn from one another's experiences. "I think Quakers are open to discussing things... but sometimes they have to be prompted," says Nichole Nettleton, who joined DAFA for support in living with her disabilities, but has become an active facilitator of the group's work.
"Because they don't know, they're not sure, they don't want to offend someone," Nichole elaborates, noting that people who have disabilities often want to discuss their experiences. "They want to be asked; they want to be included.… When it's not brought up, when it's intentionally avoided, it gets really awkward, and it makes it feel like they can't talk about it."
Nichole offers guidance on how Quakers can be more supportive of members and seekers with disabilities: "Be there for people. Be intentional. And being there doesn't always mean doing something every minute. It can mean listening, just like when you're in meeting for worship-the silence is not passive; it's a very active thing."
(In this video, Nichole uses the terms "differently abled" and "people with disabilities" interchangeably. Other people with disabilities may find "differently abled" offensive. If you're not sure how to talk to someone about their condition, follow Nichole's advice and ask respectfully!)
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Transcript:
I think that Quakers are open to discussing things about different abilities. But sometimes they have to be prompted because they don't know. They're not sure. They don't want to send someone. But I found with people who have disabilities that they want to be asked, they want to be included. When it's not brought up, when it's like intentionally avoided, it gets really awkward and it makes it feel like they can't talk about it, which, I know, is not the intended purpose.
My name is Nicole Nettleton and I live in Freeville, New York. I attend the Ithaca meeting and I kind of avoiding pronouns right now. I have autism and it's considered a communication problem, but I find out that I can communicate a lot better than a lot of people who don't have communication problems. Like, diagnosed communication problems. I think that I'm intentional about trying to communicate. Instead of ignoring what I don't understand I ask questions and I try to do it in respectful ways and people appreciate it.
I think the Quaker community can support differently abled people as well as regular members. Be there for people, be intentional. And being there doesn't always mean doing something every minute. It can mean listening. Just like when you're in meeting for worship. The silence is not passive. It's a very active thing and people feel that. Remember that everybody is different. And some people it's just more different than others in certain ways and try to be inclusive
Differently Abled Friends and Allies is a, well, it's a subgroup that New York Yearly Meeting. And I did not start it. And the whole point isn't about the disabilities, it's about connecting to people. You don't have to be disabled to be in this group. I want everybody to come to this group because people should be aware of each other and what each other is dealing with and how they can help.
Dealing with disabilities, it's really easy to slip into kind of negative feelings about the world and things, and you have to work really hard to hold onto anything. Anything good that makes you happy, anything good that makes you feel lighter, makes you feel positive. You hold on to all those things. And I do that through music. And one of the ones I was listening to was a song by JJ Heller:
Trees are made for climbing,
these days are made for sun;
puddles made for jumping,
fields are made to run.
Stars are made for counting,
and my wish is coming true.
Sleep is made for dreaming,
and I have dreams for you.
May you never lose the wonder in your soul.
May you always have a blanket for the cold.
May the living light inside you be the compass as you go
Oh, may you always know you have my hand to hold.
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The views expressed in this video are of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Friends Journal or its collaborators.
Thank you for sharing your story, Nichole.
I’m disabled and realized last year that I didn’t feel accommodated in my monthly Meeting. After writing, talking and listening with F/friends and Spirit, I had a meeting with the Ministry and Nurture committee.
We did deep listening and worked together to create a Meeting for Worship designed with accommodations in the forefront. It is in the afternoon, is shorter, and has other accommodations. The first time I went, after 6 months of not attending, was an amazing experience.
I wish that for all disabled Quakers and disabled people wanting to try out Meeting for Worship. We are not alone. We can attend Meeting. We can be interdependent in our community. And most of all, we deserve it
Thanks so much for sharing and singing Nichole which was very uplifting🙌🏽
Seems like you're doing an awesome job of connecting and communicating❤Thankyou
I love this... Like most good things the video popped up and I loved the title. You are an inspiration to all who have the courage to listen
I really enjoyed the words to the song and just the way you sang it for us. Beautiful!! Thank you, Friend!
Beautiful song!
Thank you for this! It is vital that there is recognition of and inclusivity for neurodiversity as much as physical difference. For a salutary lesson in the experience of a Quaker wheelchair user, I'd urge all to listen to Esther Loukin's 2023 Swarthmore lecture which is also available on RUclips. This video feels like a sister video to Esther's lecture and each is incredibly important for awareness of the impact of exclusivity and the need for more action on inclusivity. Thank you for this honest and brave contribution.
As a member of the autistic community, I love that the camera angle of this interview meant Nicole could be seen and heard without forcing eye contact. This feels like a straightforward and practical accommodation. Thank you for sharing the song; you have been gifted with a beautiful voice.
I would also not use the 'differently abled' terminology for myself as a disabled person, but I recognise and respect that we are all different and bring different perspectives to the conversation. It can also vary by country, type of disability or neurodiversity. I would love to find a meeting that shows such consideration towards people's differing needs; it is not something I have found here in the UK outside of the Quaker disability/ND group. I keep looking, though.
I am also autistic and wear a headcovering similar to yours!
Thanks🎉
I love the idea of differently abled folks and allies. You communicate very well and you have a beautiful singing voice. Let your Light keep shining!
Is there an online forum or chat wheee people who cant go to meetings can connect with quakers?
PendleHill.org has a regular online worship meeting! There's also the Quaker subreddit, if you're looking for more of a forum experience.
The disabled community prefers the term disabled instead of differently abled. Euphemisms like "differently abled" just dismiss the struggles that disabled people face and accommodations we need to survive. It masks the problems we face under pretty language that makes able-bodied people feel better about their discomfort around our existence in a world that actively excludes us and makes it easier to feel good about doing nothing to actually help us.
I did not name the group.
But…
I have observed that people tend to get very caught up in terminology. Some people with diagnosed disabilities love the name of the group and appreciate the terminology, while others hate it and take offense.
I guess that’s why there is the concept of listening in tongues-listening beyond the words someone is saying or how they say it, and hearing what they are actually communicating.
I want to communicate that this group is not downplaying the struggles that come with disabilities.
I think people take offense when they have had to defend themselves against so much.
In this group you can drop the defensive posture you are carrying, be yourself and say what is on your mind, even if it’s not all kittens and rainbows.
Not everyone may agree with everything you say, but they hear you-without you having to fight to have your voice heard like you probably do almost everywhere else.
We don't have much to add to what@@nicholenettleton4304 has said here, other than to repeat this from the video's description: 'Nichole uses the terms "differently abled" and "people with disabilities" interchangeably. Other people with disabilities may find "differently abled" offensive. If you're not sure how to talk to someone about their condition, follow Nichole's advice and ask respectfully!)'
I don’t accept that “the disabled community” can speak for me. Not meaning any disrespect for anyone’s choice at all. I am legally blind and was born with it. I am 77 now, and have done a lot of things; raised children and grandchildren and spent 7+ years in higher education to become an attorney, had a legal aid career, and have volunteered for years etc. etc. That is why I liked the concept of differently abled. In my life there have been many obstacles, including “disability”. I am grateful to say that I have always found a way, (been able) to get past them. Not, of course, without the support of that which we all describe differently!
I really like the ‘differently abled people’ phrase. Thank you👍🌻
Most disabled people prefer the term disabled to any other term, like differently abled, handicapible, special needs, etc. Please just use disabled. It's not a dirty word.
I am disabled . The reason I appreciate the term differently abled is because I do have abilities. I feel good about the positivity in saying that. Disabled feels dismissive, or diminished. Trust me, I am nearly 77 and was born with my condition. My early life especially, has included a lot of demeaning and humiliating treatment . Much later I became a professional. I am differently abled. But I have no problem using ‘disabled’ any more either.
@MDaggatt I feel you. "Differently abled" often implies that us disabled folks have soemthing that "makes up" or "compensates for" our disabilities, which is a really negative attitude to have towards disabled people. We have nothing to prove to able-bodied people. The word disabled, in my view, encourages people to ask the question, "What accommodations and support do you need?" Versus the "they are so differently abled!" It feels very othering. I know that harm was probably not intended in this video, but we really need to keep this in mind.
@@clytiesunflower4655 I appreciate both of y’all’s perspectives and opinions. I love hearing from other members of the community when it comes to preferred language.
It seems like older folk prefer terms like “cripple” and “differently abled” while younger folk prefer “disabled”. Completely anecdotal but something I have noticed.
I’m 22 years old and have multiple disabilities. I grew up “off”, “dramatic”, and “quirky” since towns with only 600 people in the middle of the mountains don’t usefully have top rate pediatrics. When I was 16, I became fully physically disabled and couldn’t use my legs, move much without passing out, eat, the works. I’m now healthier and some days can even pass as able bodied around absent minded people.
This puts me in an odd spot as I went from being seen socially as not disabled, disabled, and then some weird grey area that makes some people irrationally angry for no reason. Despite all that, legally I’ve been disabled in many ways since I left the womb!
I prefer “I’m autistic” and “I’m on the spectrum” much more than “I’m a person who suffers from/has autism”. I also am extremely against “invalid” or “cripple” even jokingly and “handicapped” in any sense other than a parking spot or bathroom.
All this is to say that our experiences affect our preferred language. And that’s ok! No disabled person can be wrong in regards to what they call themselves. Personal, identifying language is a holy thing (not just religious holy), it’s part of your soul. No one can tell you that your souls wrong.
The disabled community tends to be very accepting of our own experimenting with identifiers and I love it so much. We each use what we each like.
We don’t make it too easy for well meaning abled bodied folk but maybe we’ll all pick a single term when they give us the accessibility they take for granted ;-)
Quakers of the BYM are very discriminatory against the disabled, meeting houses not catering to disabled persons needs, little alternative formats for books etc etc