Making Others Live Our Darkness: An Unconscious Cry For Help
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
- When stressed, we can engage in a primitive - yet potent - type of psychological defense known as projective identification. Without even consciously realizing it, we can induce in others the very same darkness we find intolerable.
Projective identification is like unconsciously tossing our feelings into someone else, a behavior first noticed in babies with their moms. It's an invisible way we influence others based on our buried issues, avoiding dealing with our tough emotions by making others express them for us.
Facing up to this pattern can help us understand ourselves better and grow. Often, this cycle kicks off with blaming others, triggering a domino effect that reveals deeper, hidden struggles within us.
This clip is from the latest TJL episode, "Why We Make Others Feel Bad: Understanding Projective Identification" Watch the full episode here: • Why We Make Others Fee...
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Okay, but what about knowing your worth? Why date someone who is for example incapable of emotional connection or basic decency? Why is knowing what you want and not settling for less a bad thing?
Hmmm...sounds so familiar. Than you for sharing.
Giving yourself what you need is a huge life lesson
I think so too, but this video almost makes it seem like its some type of avoidance... do you understand what they mean?
I've definitely had people paint me as "Bad" when I don't give them what they want, and whatever that is usually seems really arbitrary and bizarre to me. And yeah, I find myself doing that too sometimes, but then I "chickety check myself before I wreck myself".
Everyone should hear this.
It's crucial.
So many relationships are broken up before they really begun, because of this demand.
this was amazing... it made me realize that the good mom would appear when I needed her but the concept that she could be anything but my good mom was never realized, therefore, as I grew older, I never saw that my mother could be a separate person altogether with an identity of her own. I stayed stuck with the perception that I always had an uncaring mom, but in fact, she was both, good and bad simultaneously because of her separate identities.
Or, the “you” you are identifying with is not the real you. This approach is also the same as DBT in psychology. Compassion for the self is key.
The AA 3rd Step happens in prayer to be relieved of the bondage of self. Following this all the stuff comes forth (punny) for the 4th Step inventory. It is following this release I am able to spot my exact moments of interpersonal attachment and it is icky; using other people to constructively pity myself. Bill Wilson implanted AA with all of Carl Jung's alchemical devices for a future operating system to unfold. Your podcasts are fascinating thank you.
I venture to say, within a sister siblings relationship there is opportunity to foster honest and open communication to provide healing from childhood/family dynamics.
Is addiction an attempt to always have access to "the good breast". Symbolically?
Yes, that is one way to think about it!
Addiction is an attempt to live outside of the shadow without facing it
Memorable and important extract of the episode. Thank you.
We may meet in the meadow or on the mountain, but we bond in the valley.
❤
I agree with top left on the projective identification. I saw a 70 year old strong intelligent well adjusted and well off finanialy kind accepting mother go from someone i deeply respect and care for and look up to turn into a person i no longer even feel like i know or want to be around in th time period of about 2 years. This person is my mother in-law and I am not sure what exactly happened I am however willing to hear on how to possibly get her back or what I need to do before its too late. She has mentioned suicide recently and has pointed her loaded revolver at my wife twice now. No one believes us how bad she has become. I fear that if somebody doesn't start listening to us its only a matter of time before she kills her daughter and herself. Unfortunately my wife has been portrayed as a liar dramatic and basically a person that can't be taken seriously so her sister doesn't even pick up the phone anymore and her dad wont apologize for walking out on their family for a newer family and when i told him that his daughter is getting the wrath and blame for what he did. I quote this "I always get blamed for the things that I do, she needs to just get over it that was 20 years ago, I know what it's like I was walked out on by my first wife." His first wife was when he was 18 they were together for 6 months and didn't have children together how is that comparable at all. The police will not get involved because no crimes have been committed but I don't want to wait for that to happen. I feel like the constant narcissistic manipulative behavior and the cognitive dissonance are so twisted that she will not accept anything is wrong and she just feeds on negativity and spews toxicity from her mouth every word feels like hateful knives intended to do maximum irreversible damage untill death. She is clearly miserable and wants to watch the only one that cares enough to stay and take care of her through the worst kinds of abuse i have ever seen, and my dad used to lock me into a closet with no food water or light for long periods of time for absolutely no reason at all, and that is Disneyland compared. My point is i love my family very much and I want to do something to get them happy and loving again. Somebody please help me
This podcast is gold to my damaged psyche.
Thank you. It is so great that you highlighted that this can occur temporarily as a result of extreme stress. Your encapsulation of this concept was very helpful in assisting with my understanding.
Will you guys do an episode on NLP? This episode brought it to mind, since NLP is almost a more conscious weapon-like form of projective identification.
Anyways, love the podcast, long time listener (2020) and wish you all the best.
What is NLP?
Could you talk about what would be helpful focus and helpful actions in relation to people who engage in this defense mechanism?
Y we r attracted to someone who is simultaneously father figure and lover for us?
Explore the whole Jungian Animus/Anima thing👍👍 there is in inside Animus (male figure) in every female person, its a complicated thing, but imagine its the bit of those adult males in your childhood you admired and saw as 'other'. Now picture those qualities as aspects of yourself you are not quite ready to acknowledge and embrace - when you see them in an available male they look like gold🤦 its just psychic bait🙄 there are guys that are gold - but like attracts like - you need to be gold👍👍 pay attention and be curious about what attracts you and what you recognise about that pattern. The Bible says 'ask' if you ask for crap(bad boy🙄), don't be surprised you get it🤦 You deserve good loving; you have to be a person who values and requires good loving👍 and doesn't tolerate anything less🙂
I love this, thank you so much🙏🏻
❤
Thank you 🙏
I don’t consider myself ‘mistreated’ at all. My family had challenging dynamics due to mental illness.
I haven’t watched this yet but the title makes me think of my mom.
Omg this is me. I never knew this had a name or that anyone else knew about it.
Supremely helpful thank you
I consider myself to be perfectly imperfect!✌️🫶🏻🌟