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Help for Spouses of Hoarding Disorder Sufferers
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- Опубликовано: 19 авг 2024
- Gail Steketee, PhD, LICSW, talks about how hoarding disorder can affect spouses and what they can do to address the situation.
For more information about hoarding disorder, visit hoarding.iocdf....
I found myself in this situation. Sadly my spouse wasn't interested in compromising on any spaces & my space became smaller & smaller. In addition, he was also a narcissist who chose things over our relationship. I chose to leave & now live with only things I need.
Eyes Open I totally feel what you’re saying
Glad things have improved.
I totally understand why you left. There is no such thing as love that deep when the hoarder is also hurting you and bringing you down, no matter how good of a person they are!
I’m living with this situation and it always end in an argument. My husband is in the military which is crazy that he would be a hoarder. I’m tired. Do I leave it or clean it? It’s been 10 years. I never knew personally that hoarding goes beyond things it affects every part of the hoarders life.
@@elainemister8479 I'm sorry you're in the middle of this nightmare. Indeed it goes beyond things. We ask "How did I get HERE?" Realize this harkens back to trauma before you entered his life. If he's not willing to seek help for it, as most of us who've been thru this knows he won't, then YOU have to decide if you're willing to live this way another 10 yrs. You can only impact your outcome because he's not going to change. I know 10 yrs is a lot to invest in a relationship, but realize it's been you investing, he's only taken and guilted you into not demanding more. After all, he's sacrifing everything for this country, giving you military benefits & a place of honor, let you travel, blah blah blah! More than anything, he's stolen the real you and reduced you to a shell of who you really are and can be. You deserve more. Much more. You deserve to be loved better than that. Only you can make it happen. Yes, it's scary, it takes careful planning, it takes lots & lots of outside support. Let trusted friends/family in on what you're going through, you're not alone. Again, you.are. not.alone..... Unless you remain silent. What if this were happening to one of your kids, a parent or someone else you cared about. What message do we send to our children when they grow up in this? Do you want the same for them I 20 yrs? What would be your advice for them? Use it for yourself...Make a plan, share it discreetly. Consult an attorney, a counselor, domestic violence services(because of his military training) gather financial paperwork. Know your rights. You can do this. You're smarter and stronger than he tells you. You already know that. I'm 68yo, we were together 7 yrs, married 3 1/2. It's never too late. God bless you, I will be praying for you.
My wife is a hoarder. She grew up in an extremely cluttered home because her mother (a single parent) was also a hoarder. We adopted two older children from foster care who (because of their childhood trauma and loss) became hoarders as well. I never stood a chance.
Over time, our newly built 3000 sq ft home grew more and more cluttered with “stuff”. I was too embarrassed 😳 to have friends or family visit. Simply being “at home” became a constant source of stress to me.
Our relationship deteriorated. I moved out of the marital bedroom just so I could have my own space. Within 3-4 days, my (now empty) side of the bed became permanently cluttered with things.
I begged her to go to counseling - she refused. I stayed married for the sake of our children. Over the 18 years we lived in our home, I rented three dumpsters and filled them all. I discovered that those dumpster walls needed to be six feet high or she would be able to see and “rescue” worthless items in them.
After our children moved out of the house, so did I. We’re still married but living separately. Our relationship has never been better. She’s an otherwise smart, beautiful, loving, and kind person who has this one gigantic flaw. I just can’t live with her.
I could write a book on hoarding. It’s a mental illness and it destroys families and relationships.
You have my sympathy, but I’m glad that you’ve found a way to co-exist, though not necessarily living together. It’s good that you can see past the condition and recognise her positive traits, that’s important. My dad is a hoarder, and it’s impacted our family life massively. He can’t be reasoned with, and normally our family time descends into arguments about the mess and desperate state of the house. It’s a terrible condition, seems impossible to manage or fix.
Hi, I’m currently struggling with the same situation and Im having a real hard time deciding to leave my hoarding spouse because I do still love her as a person and she has a good heart. It’s been over 7 years now living with her and is there really no cure for this? It’s breaking my heart to think about letting her go.
Same, same, same… I live apart from my wife..the “Fixer” in me mourns and wants to make everything right, but if I slightly go down that path , the labyrinth of her strange , aggressive, damaging thinking gapes wide and I stop at the edge, unable to help or move forward. To Divorce is on my mind….
Being elder, I married a man. He is a hoarder and I'm glad we never had children and I did move out.
My heart breaks for your impossible situation
We have a two story 4 bedroom home and he has filled up every nook and cranny. I only have a recliner and table I’m heartbroken over how life turned out
Well said!
I feel your pain. I feel the same way about my life. Now being older and disabled I'm not even able to leave. Sad ending.
Why does everyone treat the person with hoarding disorder like a fragile little flower? We don't do this with alcoholics or drug addicts or folks with scytzophrenia (spelling?). Not sure why people have to live in unsafe, stinking, bug infested places for months or even YEARS until the hoarder is gently coaxed and allowed to come to a realization that there may be a problem. Good Grief!
I agree‼️
@@TheAAnne123 Have you ever lived with a hoarder? Believe me, it's easy looking from the outside in. Those who've lived it have tried all those things to no avail. Only when we realize we've done all we can to help, and the only way for us to survive & keep our sanity is TO LEAVE!. It's a gut wrenching process. We love them, they love their stuff, sadly, because of some kind of past traumatic experience. Talking to them doesn't help no matter how tough it is, what ultimatums they're given or going to counseling. It just doesn't. Their brain and heart are irreparably broken. Either leave and live OR die in the clutter with them. I chose to live.
Exactly! I don't baby him not at all. When's he's gone I gather all the stuff and either burn it throw it out (not at my home as he guards the garbage bins like a troll with a bridge.) He has gotten so bad that in order to keep up I'm giving away or selling stuff at a much higher rate. He lies to me all the time so I owe him nothing if he ever can take responsibility he's 61 so I think not!
@Honey Bee63 - I’m not sure if you are saying that because you’re naïve about the disorder, or if you’re heartless.
People who struggle with HD are struggling because they’re mentally damaged. They believe that ‘stuff’ we view as trash is some form of security/safety for them. Would you willingly part with whatever you believe keeps you safe and secure? Probably not. Should someone harshly make you part with whatever makes you feel safe and secure, because they don’t view it that way? I imagine you would view that as cruel. Yet, it’s precisely what you’re saying should be done to people with HD. It’s a delicate thing to try and help someone, already suffering from mental health problems, to dig down to the root of those problems and work on them. HD is a symptom of much more substantial psychological trauma. You’re acting as if it’s just a ‘suck it up and deal with it’ situation. That demonstrates a lack of understanding and empathy for people who suffer from that disorder.
Additionally, your comments about the way people are treated with substance abuse disorders are an example of your nescience. Substance abuse, depending on the substance, may be due to a genetic predisposition (as it is with alcohol). There’s a difference between psychological dependency and physiological dependency. Your ignorance is on full display here. Each person is unique and has to be treated based on their own circumstances. You cannot paint everyone with the same brush.
It’s no different than rearing children. One child responds differently to one form of discipline than another. You truly simple enough to believe all children require the same rigid approach to instruction as they develop?? If so, there’s little hope for you.
Educate yourself!
Yep that's what I'm seeing with any advice for people who are living with a hoarder. People are being told to tip toe around them like this. "Oh can I please have my side of the bed clean?" This is insanity.
Knowing where thectrauma comes from doesn't help me live with my hoarder. I didn't realize the extent of the disorder until he retired from the military and we stayed put for more than 3 years. When I purged the way too excessive stuff, he became so angry it scared me. I had never seen him so angry. I tried telling him that in Souther AZ, there was no need for the 55 jackets and coats and he stilk had 10. I asked why he held onto so many broken watches, why hekd onto so many shoes thst hurt his feet, why we had broken recliners in the yard for years, why we have a toilet on the yard, why he buys so many ballcaps and leaves them all over the house, etc. He makes it out like I'm the crazy one. I could'nt figure out why I have no desire to clean, even though we have a rodent problem now. I cleaned and by the next day, some other junk would be in it's place. When we go camping, I am obsessed with keeoing everything in its place and clean. He tells me I'm nuts but those are the only weekends I feel sane. I don't want to divorce him, but boy do I fantasize about living in my own house.
He is not only a hoarder He is a Misogynist He is the 1 that's sick not you! He is just intimidating you to make you feel like you're crazy so we can hang on to His addiction Which is exactly what it is. I am a psychiatric nurse and a counselor And I also live with 1So I know what you're going through. You must get him to a counselor with you so he cannot lie and so Boundaries can be set with another person. He will steal you Intimidation To control you when you get too close to his addiction. He has an addictive personalityProtect yourselves so that you can enjoy your life
I learned they treat all nice things they have - including the people in their lives - like trash. Being blamed for their mess or damaged things from their own neglect or poor “storage” (ie piles) is a mind trip. I’d be blamed for one soda can I had forgotten to throw away, amidst a room full of their mounting stuff which could include rotting fruit.
Thank you ! My husband focuses on anything any thing anyone else has wrong so he can justify what he keeps!
To a hoarder, accumulating more items is more important than their spouse. My spouse refuses to see a psychologists so she has become a room mate rather than a spouse to me.
Agreed 100%. Useless junk is more important to them than people. Take care of yourself. Leave if you can.
In the real world, hoarders will not change. Divorcing a hoarder is the only way out.
Mine died & it took 6 months to clean out home!
im very close to leaving a 30 year marrige over hording.
It’s called....building a side studio apartment to live in while the hoarder wallows in CRAP
The worst of hoarders will find ways to start putting their crap in your room or apartment.
Getting the hoarder to attend counseling with me is the issue. It’s ruined our marriage, finances, outside relationships with family, neighbors, and friends. They hide the issues from their own family, and place blame on me.
Easier said than done. If a spouse immediately becomes angry and verbally abusive as soon as the subject is even hinted at. “Don’t nag. Don’t tell me what to do. You’re the problem!”
For years I wanted to run away. A near neighbor was selling his house. I didn't like the house, but I loved the huge yard. My husband brought the house and I moved in. 7 years later, it hurts because if I go to his house, things are up to the ceiling.
Good to hear that at least you were able to get your own separate house, and close by too. Hang in there 👍
Sadly, we tried counseling but my wife refused to take it seriously. My wife lied about the hoarding, during their private appointments convinced the counselor that I was lying about it and gaslighting her, and then mocked me for personal things I shared at appointments on our way out to the car.
Maybe if I found a counselor who could see through her lies and see her abusive behavior for what it is. However it's apparent that my wife has no interest in working on her issues. She once told me those weren't going to change, so I should stop trying.
Why stay???
Leave leave leave ASAP.
Take pictures of the hoard to counseling. Capture entry to each room, then the room contents plus a wide angle view of what greets you when you arrive home. If the hoard is outside, capture that view as well. Pictures don't lie. Attend counseling for YOU. Your wife has made her decisions, you're not ready to believe it yet.
She's not good wife then... My boyfriend at least admitted that he has this problem and told me he is will try to work on that, but if my bf would say he's not interested in changing I would leave him straight away, not necessary braking up with him just leaving and saying I won't come back if he's not willing to change, and if he's willing to change then I wouldn't come back until our home is as tidy and decluttered as I like it. I would make him to see how important it is for me how we live...
@@eyesopen4692 Exactly - a picture shown to a counselor or therapist is worth 1000 denials. Weird thing though - if you show that same picture to the hoarder he/she probably won’t recognize it as a problem.
Take pictures of every room in the house.
My partner hoardes. It's clear to me why, she had a very abusive childhood but won't see a therapist. We have a three room flat. Only the the living room is relatively usable. It is now office, entertainment space & dining space which severely messes with my head. I literally had to fight for a clear desk in it so I can work from home sometimes. I also had to fight hard for half a wardrobe that I can exclusively use for myself. We don't have any guests because she is scared people might steal things and I am too embarrassed. I don't know how I came to accept this situation, veering between anger and depression. I don't like to be rough but I might have to force a sale of the joint property.
Same predicament
That line has been crossed and I’m is about to loose my mind with his hoarding
Thank you. I am married too hoarder! If I try to discuss Boundaries For my needs are the safety of the house For both of us He cares not his opposition. This is very hard.
The thing is I can't seem to find someone who has knowledge on how to help the spouse of a horder. He is last any help and considers his stuff more important then real human relationships. He's past any help but I am not I'm the one who needs the attention I'm still alive and interested in learning how to not let it bother me. I don't know how he is able to throw toilet paper out after wiping his a--!
DL, unfortunately, there's no help for a spouse of a hoarder. Have you watched the TV show "HOARDERS"? Either resign to stay in the clutter and perish with the hoard OR chose to leave and live the life you deserve, loving them from a distance. The hoarder won't change because of brokenness.
Something happened long ago. Unless they're ready to get counseling & ongoing therapy what you have now is the reality going forward. You can only chose and change your circumstances if you want something better. Those are the only options. I'm sorry you're in this nightmare.
After many exasperating arguments, I decided to clean up only my stuff that had piled up over years of stress & work/life imbalance. My possessions are only 5% or less of all the stuff on our property. Fortunately my hoarding hubby isn’t at a level 5; our house is mostly safe to live in. For now I’ve chosen to clean & organize whatever I have energy for. I tell him often that if he dies before me, I’ll get an auction place to haul all of his stuff out asap. And until then, I constantly remind him that we need money in the bank, not more stuff. This is my way of coping in the present. Every pile I deal with makes me feel better. I laugh when my hubby thinks people will steal from him - I tell him no one cares about the old junk!
My friend's mom bought a second house for her to live in because of her husband's hoarding issue
Wou are right anger bitter fihhy
I don't understand this comment.