Avoidant Personality Disorder is to me one of the most tragic consequences of childhood abuse. It is like telling the most beautiful flower in the forest not to bloom. The flower is still there but cannot be its full potential and stays there closed off hiding all that scent and colour for fear of being seen.
That is interesting Bob. I had never heard of Avoidant Personality Disorder until recently. I just thought it was a cross between shyness and social anxiety. I certainly didn't know it was rooted in childhood. Both my parents are quite shy. I just thought I inherited shyness from them. When I look back though, I can see some neglect followed by controlling behaviour. I was never allowed to voice an opinion. Even now my dad cringes whenever I voice an opinion and argues with me for the sake òf it. He still wants to control my soul at 89.
This describes it perfectly! I suspect I might have AvPD due to my emotionally abusive and neglectful upbringing. My single mum was an alcoholic who would be very sarcastic and judgemental. I was always a shy kid and I always thought I was never good enough to contribute to society.
I relate to these criteria so much, I was even scared to leave this comment because I thought I'd get made fun of in the replies. It feels like being trapped in your own mind and just wanting someone to understand and accept you, but being too ashamed to ever ask for help.
My husband thinks that me expressing what I want him to do for me or stop doing to me that hurts me is not accepting him for who he is and not understanding him... he has avoidant attachment style
Thank you so much for bringing forth more information & light upon this subject/disorder. My daughter suffers from this & it’s not just a open & shut case of social anxiety (the 2, as you well know share almost all of the same exact features, but there are a couple minor differences in the 2 that add’s so much more understanding to what’s going on in her beautiful little mind.) It’s also extremely helpful to know the difference between the 2 in ways to treat & help her because as she has vocalized to me & that’s this is not very easy to live with outside the comfort of her home & yes, she can feel very lonely at times which saddens me because she has such an AWESOME personality that it boggles my mind she would ever feel insecure about anyone not liking her or looking at her as different. Not saying that just cause she’s my child either, lol.
My father was a narcissist. One night he walked into the living room where my mom was holding me on the couch and he just flipped out! He screamed at her to stop showing me affection. I was 6. That was 50 years ago. But, I remember it like it was yesterday.😪
I had a similar experience. I was really sick so my mom was holding me and rocking me, I think I was four or five. My dad, who was rarely in the picture, came in the room, grabbed me, and threw me across the room. I don't remember what happened next other than him yelling "get off of her". That's it.
I'm so sorry. That just breaks my heart to think of a baby safe and snuggly to go immediately into scared and confused. That would cause a lifelong trauma but living with someone like that would cause CPTSD, just to have to live on guard :-(
@ Silver Bullett. If one parent is giving attention to their child, sometimes the other parent can actually become jealous of that attention and thus jealous of their own child. It can also play out negatively in how the jealous parent treats the child he is jealous of.
My partner has Avoidant Personality Disorder and I have ADHD. We are both survivors of childhood abuse. My partner has such a beautiful and funny personality locked away inside. It took many months of building trust for him to open up to me. It’s been an honor for me to get to know his deep, sensitive and very sweet personality that he hides behind a salty, gruff exterior. I think my goofy, inhibitions and the chaotic nature of my ADHD actually helped him relax around me. He’s the most steadfast, loyal companion I’ve ever known.
I was diagnosed with APD & ADHD last week This comment has helped me to pursue (not avoid) a potential relationship with a friend she also has ADHD. It always amused how I can feel so comfortable and lively with her.
Im a bit of an avoidant and i dated a girl who said she had ADHD and it was the worst relationship I’ve ever had. She kept gaslighting me that I was a selfish narcissist person, would randomly call me and I’d be home all the time where I said I’d be and she’d think I was talking to other girls when I was in my bubble enjoying my hobbies and never gave her any reason to doubt my loyalty…she turned me into a cold hearted man…she would keep fights going for hours if she didn’t feel like she got resolve and I just had to take the insults and anger…it got to a point where I felt so attacked constantly I would have knee-jerk reaction and yell at the top of my lungs and dump her in the heat of the moment… She ended it 2 weeks, and I found out there’s already has another man in her life…and I’ve been discarded as the evil one. You’re boyfriend is a lucky man.
It makes perfect sense to learn to lower your standards if you have such a nagging internal critic that you never feel as if you " measure up". I can relate so much to this case study.
Hey Rich, have you sought out treatment yet? I've come to the same realization that this is my affliction and am now trying to get the right treatment before its too late..
I have AvPD but my family is so perfect. I always thought that I didn't deserve such wonderful parents. Now in my therapy sessions I discovered that it was a lie. My parents never hits me, but they abused me emotionally and I don't have to be grateful for them for keep me under roof, give me food and buy me clothes. I deserve love for who I am. Not for perfect skills, and doing house chores . it took me two years to understand this
this line "I deserve love for who I am. Not for perfect skills, and doing house chores " hit my heart. Exactly what I wanted from my parents and family member but never got. they are programmed by society and run this program on their child
I really relate to this.. I always felt like I had a perfect childhood, so how did I end up with AvPD? Looking back, my parents never accepted me for who I was so I always feared rejection
I mean it could just be genetic. I'm diagnosed avpd and I'm certain it is genetic. I'd be wary of trying to find trauma where there is none because you need a justification for your illness. Again, it can just be genetic. With that said I'm not doubting you - if you've thoroughly thought about it and concluded you did experience trauma then so be it.
EXACTLY! I'm always wonder about it too. on the surface it seem perfect. I am the last child, everyone tells me how lucky I am, my father is rich, my mother is kind, I just cannot find any misbehavior in my childhood. after watching this video I thought to myself maybe it's because I'v been consistently ridiculed from my cousin, and my parents 'secretly' compare me with my 'talented' cousins, by their achievements, and encourage me to become like them, not like my mischief brother! I use the word secretly because I don't remember any specific talk or behavior from my parent, but unconsciously I always compare myself to them and wanted to become like them and avoiding becoming like my brother.
My entire adult life makes sense now. I'm not thrilled about it, but at least it makes sense. This would have been great information about 30 years ago.
Swedish possum first I felt a kind of relief. The issues called by the name, like in the story about Rumpelstilzchen and the ban was broken LOL. Nothing of the sort!
16:00 I’m so happy that you mentioned “lowering the standards” of perfectionists. I started seeing a therapist 20 years ago and that was one of the first things she encouraged me to do. It sounds so silly that it took me so long to drop my perfectionism, but it did. And I worked very hard to do it!
It's taking me a long time to understand how self-destructive perfectionism can be, though the damage is most clear when you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others to (and by that I mean you let others get away with poor behavior towards you). One of the most surprisingly useful observations I heard was that perfectionism can be seen as arrogantly believing you are able to be perfect. That was a clap back that helped me see it differently than when I thought it was a virtue to strive towards.
I've been like that forever. I am 39 and only found out this now. I was severely abused as a child, on a daily basis, and then when I got to my teens I started just closing up. I would stay in my room in the dark for most of my time and this still happens today. I can't enrol to the gym for example, if I don't have someone I know to go with me. I will simply not go anywhere. For me, to order a coffee in a cafe is so stressful that I rather not do it. So, it is very hard for me to be social. I do it when I have to. Work, school etc, but only I know how stressful that is. My story is very similar to the lady you mentioned.
also i have the same anxiety not as much as before i worked a lot on it but used to be shaking and sweating when i had to get on a bus or order anything from a restaurant or whatever. Well i never went to any until i was forced by a boyfriend and then i learnt not to be afraid to order a coffee or food. But when am alone i usually dont go to cafes, or restaurants at all as i feel very strange to sit there by myself. Same for the gym i still avoid that place. dont have a job for 16years
Thank you. I was diagnosed at 21. When I was little, my mother was absent, either separated from us or working 70 hours per week, and my dad was emotionally neglectful and physically abusive. I have ADHD which made homework and chores very difficult and I was punished for not being able to do them fast enough. My sister didn't get spanked after 7 years old but I got beat daily until I was 13. Hugs and praise didn't happen and I wasn't told I was loved until I was 14 when they decided to get divorced, after which the abuse escalated. It was very rough. At my worst, as a young adult I had panic disorder with agoraphobia, depression, and avoidant personality disorder stacked. I'm 28 now. I went through about 8 years of therapy, and 3 years after therapy I no longer have the panic disorder or depression. My avoidant personality disorder feels invisible some days now that there's no social anxiety tied to it, but I suppose it's still around since I strongly limit who I interact with. I have not dated since I was 16 and have no desire ever to do so. I don't want friends beyond a few people I talk to online -- but honestly, that is where I am comfortable, and forcing anything more has only brought me heartache. Living within my comfort zone has been exactly what I needed to recover from all of the trauma; today I am able to hold a full time job and support myself, and even other family members who have needed my help during the pandemic. It does get better, but you do have to put time and patience into healing, and understanding the trauma behind your thought patterns. Getting this diagnosis and learning why my brain works this way helped me so much.
OP : Hi, i kinda relate on the avoidant part. By sheer luck i didn't had to endure abuse as extreme as you have experienced. You can be proud of your accomplishment today, i'm glad you are a functioning member for your community. Thank you. A friend of mine reacted to my lack of enthusiasm to meet new people, he is pro social, "You will avoid most of bad people if you don't hangout and you will miss the good one too.". He is quite shallow usually but he caughted me off guard with that one. Most people i know are kind, i work well enought to live in a nice area with nice citizens (mostly :D). And you may try to consider there is individuals who already likes you anyway and you should rewards them by your company. It will rollercoast your mood for sure for a while. I use sport as mood regulator (far better than alcohol or drugs). I wish you the best.
I've heard the criticism that says that today's society is a boderline society and it is. However, it has also become an avoidant society. Avoidant behavior has become necessary in a society that has become more and more bigoted and intolerant. I use sophisticated avoidant strategies in my daily life. It's less costly to avoid a problem than to have to solve it. I would say it's a fine line between calling that a disorder and calling it a necessity.
I totally believe the 2-year amount because I am AVPD+SAD, and unless I keep pushing myself to continue what I learned in my Cognitive Behavior Therapy, the underlying feelings start growing again, and the fight gets tougher. Thank you so much for this.
My spouse hid behind this diagnosis. He was later diagnosed with Psycopathy 1. Im not criticizing anyone with this diagnosis. I want to inform people to learn the symptoms of both diagnosis . Thank you Dr Grande!
True, though I find that framing - self-sabotage - to be pretty judgmental itself. Feels kind of like blaming the victim, if that’s the early training that someone got.
Jordan Peterson who? I think you are hands down the best mental health provider on you tube. Unbiased, thoughtful, no agenda, clear and based on reason. I'm now a subsciber! Keep up the great work.
I think my husband fits 4 of the criteria for APD. He was never held as a baby and banged his head on the wall to rock himself to sleep. He was slapped if he ever.cried as a young child & told to "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about". They never hugged or talked about their feelings. He says he is fine with no friends. He hated the parts of his job that required human interaction. He sees no need for therapy or change. My point is this: It is not fine to live with a person who has nothing to say, no feelings to express, no zest, just passive listening. It's like talking to a wall. These people need therapy. But they have to be self aware enough to realize it. p.s. Dr G, you'd be a good object of transference. 🙂
Suzy Q, the fact that you have a problem with him doesn't mean he needs therapy or needs to change. Why did you get into a relationship with him in the first place if you find him bland and you feel like you're just talking to a wall?
RPKVids. True, it's not all about how it affects me. It's about how the symptoms of APD can worsen over the years. Therapy may have helped him be happier with his life now, who knows?
We've been married for many many years and I love my husband very much. I just recognize the reasons why it is the way it is. I still think therapy would help, but that is not going to happen. The education Dr G and others provide help me to understand and that understanding helps me to accept.
Guys if you procrastinating some work because you thinking you cant do it before deadline or upto perfection just try and do 70% of what you can offer , convince yourself to do it 70% of what u can do Such a game changer for me .
Even when Im 100% sure someone likes me, I still talk myself out of the relationship and eventually just stop responding and every time I do, as much as I crave that connection, I IMMEDIATELY feel an intense wave of relief. Like, “Oh, thank God, I knew I'd never be able to keep that up”.
So touching, hearing about overcoming real life issues. 'Liz' should be proud of herself! Thank you for these valuable videos, Dr. Grande, I love your content. ☺️
I'm sitting here feeling so damn proud of 'Liz' for getting help and giving herself that chance. Being able to recognize that you deserve to feel better and have a happier life is such an enormous step and everything hinges on it. You gotta choose to be there for your own self; that's what self-esteem is.
Hi Dr. Grande. I am a person with APD and I have had to deal with it since childhood. Unfortunately in my country (Mexico) there are still many stigmas regarding mental disorders and about APD there is a total lack of interest and ignorance, so I have been studying about APD by myself to find a way to overcome this condition. I recognize that I have improved in some aspects such as extreme introversion and social anxiety, however, now I have not been able to combat my tendency to procrastinate, which has already brought me many problems. My question is if you know of any case of people who have been able to overcome the APD by themselves, without the attention of a therapist. Thank you very much Dr. Grande; and congratulations on your channel. You’re a very professional.
I knw this is 3yrs late but i hope u overcame it...im just now going through your similar situation of discovery...through reading and watching videos, i now feel seen, didnt know what i was going through all those years, now i can put a name to it....similarly i live in the Caribbean where mental health issues are stigmatized, and not much resources for help available, im also wondering if its something one can get through on their own
My father left when i was a toddler and around the same time, my mother went to prison for over a year. when she came back, she got into hard drugs and became abusive. yet it took me until I was in my early 20s to be able to break free because of was more fearful of the unknown, despite it being much less scary than it was staying in such an abusive situation. This gave me a lot of insight into myself and my own behavioral patterns. I saw that the patterns were there, but never made the correlation to my past, because i always felt somewhat emotionally detached from my childhood. i think its obvious that I was just avoiding it, now.
I’ve been diagnosed with apd and found this video highly informative. I also rate highly on the asperger screening test. What appears to work for me is somatic therapy and emdr. It’s early days but so far they’re the only thing that’s had any effect and I’m a pretty extreme example of the disorder.
Ash _ Thanks for sharing, I’m doing EDMR soon. How has it helped u so far? I also have quite extreme avpd too. I’ve spoken to someone else online that also said these 2 therapies worked well for them so maybe this is a good option for people like us. EDMR and somatic therapy is rarely mentioned as an avpd treatment but logically, and theoretically, it makes sense that it might help x
This feels painfully close to my life. I think I cope okay with these feelings or impulses, so I’m not sure if I meet the level of this, but I can definitely empathize. Social connections are the hardest to make and gaining insight of that relationship with your parent is difficult. I was able to do that on my own. It did add to the isolation and I still have doubts sometimes about my role as a child and whether “worthiness” was my fault. I describe the standards as a recovering Type A.
I have this and here’s something that’s always been a struggle for me. If I go to someone’s house and I’m thirsty I would never ask for a drink of water. In fact. If someone offered me a glass of water, I feel like I’m instantly a burden on them, even if they offer.. I never wanted a wedding for myself but I do wish I was different and I could enjoy normal things other people do. I don’t have social media at all due to my fear of rejection and ridicule. Im on the outside looking in
I remember when I started high school teachers kept calling my mum coz they could tell I wasn't normal. When Id get home mum would be so mad. She was like "Can't you act fucking normal. Everyone will think I'm a bad mother."
narcissistic mother that can think of herself only and what other will think about her instead of trying to help her kid. ugly. I think by law all humans should have their astrological chart done at birth an extensive understanding of each baby/person and their life path and destiny. yes there is free will but also there is karmic paths that are powerful in our life and we can't deny these karmic patterns. much easier when you accept for instance that having super abusive parents was your choice before you came down to earth, you chose them to be your parents so hopefully you can solve something through interacting with them. For instance if you wouldn't have abusive childhood maybe you wouldn't be able to strengthen your intuition or your empathic skills or you openness and sensitivity towards human behaviours, reactions, the world around you preserving nature etc.. I know its more complex than this but at least discovering the esoteric side of reality helps a lot really.
I want to avoid having this disorder. Too much shame of stigma. Really I think it's just a false belief and a normal human reaction to circumstances. Much love to you all. Glad to hear it can be treated
Not a professional, but her experience runs almost all parallels to mine, including a severe accident with long recovery. My college career has been the same as well. Now I've messed up any college options. I was "forced" to go for things I hated at a community College instead of being "allowed" to go to a university to pursue my own interests, and had scholarships. Now at 28 I'm anxiety stricken and rarely want to hang out unless I'm inebriated. Though growing up I was highly extroverted. I feel like two people most the time. Which appears to be natural and healthy for some because it allows perception. But i genuinely feel this way quite intensely to where i can never make a decision about frikin anything. I feel i had so much potential but now these heart pounding brain clouding feelings drive any action that could potentially improve my life. I rarely take any risks yet the other me naturally wants to. I usually opt to default and won't take the risk. Doesn't matter if my logical side knows better. Feels like a curse.
This describes my husband to a tee! He's now 67 and it's gotten worse. Some of his time is spent tinkering around the house but most of his time is spent watching westerns on tv. He's always had a tendency to be critical, negative and judgmental which stems from, I think, a great deal of insecurity. His mother was an award winning narcissist and did much damage to all 3 of her kids. I have to figure out a way to understand him better and process his negativity/micromanaging comments for my own sake. I'll be on the search for those videos! You're so helpful; thank you.
I study psychology and your videos are so helpful! There’s very little reliable psychological knowledge on yt. I’m just before my exam from psychopathology and I can just feel my knowledge consolidating while watching your videos, thank you!
I know self-diagnosing can be very inaccurate, but I exhibit most of the qualities mentioned in this video. I was severely bullied as a kid & psychologically abused by my mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. From grades 3 to my junior year in high school, I was the target of some type of abuse by someone. I began abusing drugs & alcohol to cope. Eventually I learned to stand up for myself in school & at home. I had to flee from home to move in with my supportive, mentally stable father. To this day I have to fight my want to avoid people at all costs & have worked on myself internally to where I'm now not so avoidant. To a healthier social level that improves my quality of life. I've always had a few good best friends & have had 2 serious relationships that consisted of me having severe trust issues where I projected my relationship with my mom onto the relationship with the girl I was seeing. People naturally make me very anxious & I find life better when they're not around.
I don't think I ever had Avoidant Personality Disorder, but a general contentment at being alone, and preferring a few close friends, which was easier in elementary school, trickier by high school or college where contacts expanded for others, when others started smoking and drinking which never made sense to me, but I'd go to a few parties, if I could connect to one person, I felt it was good. After college I decided to be brave and picked 3 things - donating blood, joining Toastmasters, and joining Ballroom dance club, and repeated Ballroom/swing level 1 over 2 years since they needed more men, and I tried level 2 and 3 for the beginning. I still feel most comfortable in my own mind, and notice I still have a split, like I'll plan out activities, but if they're larger more, I don't realize I don't want to go until the last minute. And I've never had a job without a personal contact first, and the idea of presenting myself for a job where there is competition is painful to me, both anxiety of wondering if I can do a job, and general assumption others probably are better, unless I really know what to expect. Overall, I see I like situations where mistakes are not catastrophic (including a fear of heights, and didn't drive a car until after college), and prefer to learn in private rather than in groups.
I've been in therapy for 6yrs and I cant find stability. I constantly quit jobs, avoid social interactions, and never been in a romantic relationship. I've been tying start my own business but I just can't interact with people. I think at this point the only thing I could hope for is stability.
Are you on medication? You've done the work it might be time to incorporate a new tool to help get you onto your next steps. Owning your own business is such hard but fulfilling work! You may keep switching jobs until you become a free agent for yourself. I hope you get your chance to try your new adventure!
@@AliValentine143 no I'm not on medication. My therapist wants me to try some. Which I'm discussing with my doctor right now. But you along with many people have suggested it and I'm going to try it. Thanks.
@@cristobalzapata1227 yeah when I made that comment I was in a low spot. I'm usually depressed but i have different levels of it and that month was a bad one. But right now I'm alright. Thanks
I know someone who has expressed that he has social anxiety, and based on what you’re saying he may have some of the traits of avoidant personality. I’m obviously not a mental health professional, therefore I can’t diagnose him but I still recognize certain traits which makes this video interesting to me. I’m currently considering getting into a romantic relationship with him and he does take things very slow and expresses being nervous about how to communicate with me, as if I’ll judge him harshly. This video is food for thought! Thanks.
Thank you..This subject must be given more attention clinically and in practise .This is often overlooked or not given much attention but in fact is a very debiliating issue that hampers Quality of life.I suffer from it but i am only treated for my dysthymia and anxiety.But what majorly is effecting me is my avoidant personality.
This is me…. I was bullied at school age 15. I want friends, but I push them away. I’m so lonely, but I can’t do anything about it. I can stand talking to more than one person at a time. I try and avoid any social situations. I am 58, and still suffering. I’ve never heard of this disorder. I wish I could get help. … Thank you for covering this subject.
Working through this exact issue myself. I've been in therapy for about 4 years, slowly working through things. Avoidance has been a huge problem for me though. This helps me understand what I'm going through. Thank you for explaining this so well. :)
I'm not sure if I'd be clinically diagnosed with APD but I do feel if I have a personality disorder this is the one...and perhaps I just have some of the traits. I relate to Liz's story as far as being abandoned by my father and neglected by my young mother, who was often preoccupied with various boyfriends. I've made a successful life for myself despite my upbringing but still have issues that are unresolved. Truthfully, I only found out about personality disorders after a 10 year relationship with someone who I believe is in the Cluster B (BPD or NPD). Thank you for your insight. This is a whole new world of understanding for me.
mawmaw's best advice ever: when I was starting out on my own, mawmaw sat me down around the kitchen table and gave me the best advice ever that has saved my sanity, health and life many, many times . Mawmaw's always wise and insightful, having only pure love and my best at heart--made me promise to "never put it in crazy" RIP mawmaw, God bless you.
Hello, this case left me speechless... There is nothing of value I can add to this. So I thank Dr. Grande and wish everyone a pleasant evening and a good night. 🌛
The recovery seems like it came a little too easy. I'm sure there's more stuff going on than what was described. Just having a therapist is not going to cure of a personality disorder. Although I have seen studies that say the best cure for someone who has an abusive childhood is a solid secure relationship in their life. My hunch is that there was a lot of work done for her to process her mother's abuse. And that when she got through with all of that and could fully understand her mother was out of line that's when she could start making progress. It's kind of remarkable that she could build trust in her therapist and then transfer it to strangers. I can eventually trust an individual but I can't imagine ever being able to have a blanket trust of any group of people, they're all going to have to be vetted.
I agree. Speaking from my experience with APD, we aim to please. Therapy is difficult in that I feel like I am responsible for others feelings (emotional incest led to this tendency) and that includes my therapist. I didn't consciously realize I was this the first few therapists I saw. I wanted them to feel like they were doing a good job (especially the student therapist who was being graded on our sessions). If I am malingering and not showing improvement every week they might get down on themselves (I know I would), so I probably end up spending a lot of energy (not in a manipulative or calculated way) trying to sound positive, even when there are fires burning all around me...just because it makes me good to think that I am "helping" them do their job and I deceive myself into feeling better and happier for having done that. Of course, I am in fact doing just the opposite of that. Anyways, when I hear someone with APD saying they are much better after a short time, I wonder if they are doing it for the benefit of the therapist. We are troubled, but kind-hearted people. Which is why, I think APD is under-researched. We suffer alone. We don't cause too many ripples. We don't wreak havoc in others lives. We aren't attention seekers. We don't like to get in trouble. Though there can definitely be relationship difficulties. Those relationships are typically short-lived and we go back to being by ourselves, privately suffering.
Dr. I have bpd and avoidant . but I am having issues with having no desire for physical contact.. I don't. Even want to kiss the idea is just yucky to me.. What's wrong with me?? I really like this man but I don't want any physical contact sexually. I don't mind holding hands hugs I can tolerate and I can tolerate him rubbing my back or leg but I don't really like it .. What can I do? He's wonderful I'm just so broken.. Plz help !!
@@griffox This is exactly what happened between me and my therapist(s) I only realized it after I had gone this time. I do still need help even after so many years of trying. At least I am older now, more conscious of my processes and take with me what I have learned so far.
Would someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder be likely to avoid identifying himself as such? All the best to "Liz." It's very difficult to recover from such a bad start in life, and she deserves our respect for her persistence and courage.
I feel I have this too, but also can't get therapy because there are very few therapists where I live, there's a 2 year wait to get an appointment with one, and even if I could see one I couldn't afford it. That's life when you live in a 3rd world country.
Just learning that I probably have been dealing with a AvPD has helped me a lot. My last failed relationship took me on a rod of figuring what the hell is wrong with me so that I could be a better bf or husband to my future girl. I realized that I have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style that caused a lot of pain that I just didn't understand during the relationship; I thought that I was a good bf but looking back at it now I had a very hard time showing love for a woman I truly loved. I wouldn't have gone on this self healing journey if it wasn't for her breaking up with me, panful but a catalyst to my growth. All the research led me to this and hope that I can fix myself. I'm unique that my onset of this avoidance wasn't a result of child hood neglect but of something that happed later in my teens; I remember being very social and everyone liked me and I enjoyed hanging out with other kids. Because I can actually pinpoint the cause of this downward spiral I know that I can heal to a great extent. Thanks you for your videos they are helping me a lot.
I'm AVPD with Dismissive Avoidant attachment too. I've been reading comments on videos for people in relationships with DA partners. I think it's fair to say that we don't have a great reputation as romantic interests! 🙃 ("Girl, run!" was one memorable phrase advising someone about their DA bf, haha).
Thanks for your videos on personality disorders, I legitimately take notes on them, I wish to be a therapist that helps people with personality disorders specifically, mainly psychopathy and antiscocial personality disorder.
As a result of all the mental wellness work I have been doing this spring and summer - I was just diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Severe Social Anxiety Disorder. FINALLY, a name to what I have felt ALL MY LIFE!!
This is excellent. It's so insightful especially with the indecisiveness and procrastination. Lack of trust in oneself due to an overly critical parent explains the procrastination and the feeling of being stuck or unable to take action on decisions to be made. I think also dissociating from feelings and needs.
I can relate to this patient's story. have this disorder, and I can honestly say that I was aware of it very early in my life. I felt "different" and uncomfortable when neighborhood children came over to play, and I preferred to play alone--I was only 4-years-old. At five, I felt the same way when I entered Kindergarten, having a feeling that I was different or inferior to the other kids. My mother wasn't abusive then, however, she became physically and mentally abusive when I was about 8. I believe she had borderline personality disorder, which worsened due to stress and abandonment. Her husband left her in poverty when she was six months pregnant. I believe this disorder is genetic due to my early perceptions of myself, however, I'm sure my mother's abuse helped shape it.
Watching these because I’m in love with someone who has this disorder. She’s been my best friend for a long time and we’re stuck at that point because of her disorder and fear of messing everything up if we change anything or try for more. Really eye opening that maybe it’s not me not doing enough but that I just that I need to wait while she slowly addresses her fears and mindset. Thank you so much for this. I really see a lot of her mindset and actions more clearly through the lense of this info.
It was very interesting to see how the relationship with the counselor was also used as a learning opportunity for Liz to improve her other relationships. Lovely video Dr. Grande, will be watching again:)
Thanks for this video. It's amazing to me that Liz sought out therapy and managed to gain insight. My AvPD friend refuses to see a counselor because her Buddhist philosophy and gardening hobby has 'cured' her. Though she has isolated herself more than ever now. And she doesn't want to work. Luckily (?) , her family are happy to financially support her. Though I wonder if she would be compelled to seek help if she was forced into getting a job - or if it would just push her over the edge and do more damage.
Gardening that's a new one. Usually they think God is fixing it for them .You know "day by day" . That's what they usually say so when it all goes wrong they can fall back on "oh well there's good days and bad days" . I have had the misfortune of working with an ADHD that thinks chain smoking and shouting out random lines from songs is "managing it". And a bipolar that would go on and on about the devil and laugh at the top of her voice and think it's ok to grab coworkers assess. She claims musk melon ,prayer and smiling cured her. I hope your friend finds the courage to get help be for its to late. I wish it was easier for ppl like that to get help.
My AVP-driven anxiety is much "improved" when I don't work a regular job or force myself into uncomfortable situations, too. I am sure she does feel better. I am passionate about gardening, too. I moved out onto a farm deep in the country and it is my sanctuary. Of course, I ended up more isolated than ever, but I feel a sense of peace and comfort that I have never known. That makes sense to me. Most people think my life sounds terrifying. "You live alone in the country? Aren't you scared someone will murder you and no one will be able to help you?" Nothing is more terrifying to me than the life I left in the city. Not even the prospect of being murdered. You have to understand the level of terror we feel in high pressure situations, like work. Even if it's not an "important" job, it feels like life/death. I would rather get hit by a bus than make a mistake at work and cause trouble for my boss/co-workers. It's that level of phobia. When I was working a normal job, I would have anxiety attacks every day, I was so terrified that I would make a mistake. I would have to hide from my co-workers so they wouldn't see me sobbing. I would go home and collapse on the floor shaking and sobbing and wanting to die. I was totally distraught at the thought of having to go back the next day and do it all over again. I was constantly fighting the desire to quit, which was no less terrifying. What am I supposed to do? How will I ever support myself? I can't have a relationship. I'll be alone forever because of this. I'm not made for this world. The things that normal people are expected to do, are too much for us. Drugs don't work. Therapy didn't work. I ended up just trying to get my therapists to like me and "getting better" so that they would feel good about themselves. They didn't treat me for APD. No one knew about it, and still very few mental health professionals recognize it or know how to treat it. Your friend is coping in the way that any animal copes. Birds and chipmunks don't run towards the things they are afraid of or force themselves to stay in situations that are scary. That's a survival strategy. Your friend is surviving by her wits. Her anxiety goes away completely when she is not forcing herself into frightening situations and she can actually feel a pleasure in being alive. Of course she chooses that over the other options. Getting "better" means leaving her sanctuary. She needs support, not condescension or contempt for her choices. She needs compassion. She's not doing this on purpose to take advantage of her family financially. From an outside perspective it's easy to judge someone like that. But life didn't give us a lot of choices. Depending on where you live in the world, therapy isn't readily available, especially without good insurance. And the therapy that is available may not be the therapy you need. I am very much pro-therapy and pro-pharmaceuticals for those who need them. But it's not a silver bullet. Since there is very little research on AVP, it's hard enough to get a proper diagnosis, much less the right kind of therapy. I feel for your friend. I know what a crap deal it is to have AVP. We didn't do this to ourselves. We didn't ask for this. And it is often the result of trauma we didn't deserve. So it's a double blow to have childhood trauma end up causing dysfunction in adulthood. I couldn't wait to grow up and leave my abuser, leave all the pain and anguish behind. But here I am still suffering the affects. It's not my fault. It's not your friends fault.
This sounds like something I may have.. I'm almost 30 and have no friends... :( I honestly feel like I've never fully connected with anyone, not even my family. I'm in the process of getting assessed. Hopefully they can figure out what is wrong with me.. I can't live like this anymore. I wouldn't wish this feel of isolation and all that pain on anybody.
Also, modalities themselves are so interesting! There are SO MANY, and it always amazes me that at one time, before dealing with my own mental health issues, I thought there was just medication and/or medication. Hypnotherapy has helped me so much! Since I always had a yoga and meditation routine, it fit well and came naturally to me. I'd love for it to be more common knowledge that just because a certain modality isn't for you, doesn'tmean it ends there. It's just the beginning! Like physical exercise and training, you'll find something that suits if you jut keep trying :)
Apart from the specific anecdotal experiences in this case study, i can absolutely relate to this person's internal struggles and her way of thinking, acting, and her feelings in any given situations she was in. This condition is so weird in the sense that you can appear to be a functional adult and yet feel like a mess when it comes to standard social behaviors. And that condition being an internal struggle means you also can't physically distance yourself from the problematic situation / person, which would be an emotionaly healthy thing to do. This further accentuate the self critical aspect of it all, which ultimately feed the self blame loop and by incidence forces you to create more distance with other people. As for me, I've never seen a therapist to confirm the diagnostic but i mean... I happen to manifest all of the seven traits of the condition. So.. At least, knowing what i'm dealing with will give me some kind of lever to adress it from now on.
never went to a therapy but these videos are super helpful!! thank you for sharing such a deep topic! I have around 200saved videos on topics such as narcisstic behaviors, topics on pshichopaths and sociopaths as well as bipolar PD and some AVpD. Extremely helpful all of them. I have started to understand myself and the people i grew up with way much more than ever before. Also I have stopped thinking that having no goals, no money, no jobs, no properly functioning r. relationship, no friends, no interest in groups of people and social events is normal. I think it might be not normal to live entirely in my own world despite of this being my comfort zone. Nobody can hurt me if am invisible. :) its a magic trick where i used to think is so cool, i really disappear from everyone so i avoid fights, abuse, bully criticism even good ones (as i feel very weird sort of upset when someone is complementing on anything about me)
I've been enjoying your recent videos. Attachment Theory has been suggested to me & the more I read about the modality, the more confused I became. I was glad to find you had older videos on this topic. You've helped clear up questions I had. TY for taking the time to share your knowledge!!
I have watched dozens of your videos . This is the very first one that amazed me. All your other videos never once hit home as this one. All my life, I’ve been avoidant. Bills, relationships, etc.etc. You put Liz’s predicament into such succinct, strangely relatable manner that I was transfixed by this video. Much of her upcoming is so closely related to mine (though a drunken, uncaring father). At 62 years , I still falter with relationships and day to day living because of the things I went through in my formative years. Wish I could have 35 sessions with you!
I tried. But, I never met a person who didn't hurt me. I learned that people are driven by their own desires, wants and needs first. Once I realized that truth, I started learning to not depend on them, not to interact with them, and to enjoy being alone. Avoidant or not, I never want to go back to trusting people again. I've never quite "fit", and the pain that causes is more than I'm willing to deal with any longer.
Me too. I'm an only child brought up alone with my single mother who has always been an alcoholic. And epileptic. I never felt close to my family because my mum isolated herself when I was young. I don't consider myself to be a human being or a woman. I've always been self sufficient and introverted and never saw the need for romantic relationships. I suspect I might also be asexual which I'm more comfortable expressing in the last couple years. But I still feel tortured that I'm not normal.
Fascinating to hear about cases as opposed to theory. Of course, having AvPD myself, I relate deeply to "Liz"...and I have a few other PDs, so there's obviously differences. But so much of it resonates that it touched me. Apart from that, it makes me feel very proud of both Liz and myself and that we sought out help and chose to heal ourselves. It's very hard to get past reenacting and reexperiencing trauma, and... well, old habits, you know. Powerful stuff. Thanks, Dr. Grande :) Always a learning experience!
My favourite post of your Dr Grande! Thank you for such insightful video & case study. This is of great help with a client of mine with whom l experience counter-transference due to ASD… slow and lengthy process with very limited responses from my client yet always on time and never missed a session in 6 months. Many thanks :-)
It really is so strange and also such a relief that I have found this video and what APD is. I have always 'had a problem' with people and always been painfully shy and sometimes been so desperate to avoid social situations. I had CBT sessions, but it really did nothing to help at all, and now I can see that this a personality issue rather than a social anxiety issue x I completely fit into all but one of the criteria x Thank you for this video, and to everyone for supporting each other with kind comments x
I have had something like this for as long as I can remember. It goes back the 4th grade when my friends wanted me to sit with them but I was afraid I didn’t amount up and got absolutely terrified going to sit with them at the 4 person group table. My best friend was mentally challenged. Literally. It is embedded in my genetics..
My friend the fact that you already know that there is an issue, is half the battle! Work hard enjoy your life, you are who YOU choose to be, sorry for anything you may have gone through, I believe in you! Let’s just say I can familiarise with you and I escaped and live a happy life, something I never thought was destined for me, boy was I wrong, raised in hell but I now live in heaven x
This is my new favorite video of Dr. Grande's >> I see some aspects of myself but more so my ex- he never knew his father & he was neglected by a Narcissistic mother. I think you can improve just by getting a good diagnosis & learning you're not crazy. That your feelings of inadequacy and inability to make decisions come from the way you were raised.
Forgiveness in general is a powerful intervention to free one towards recovery. No one of us is perfect; neither will we be perfect parents ourselves. To forgive, honour and respect our parents, holds a special promise of blessing.
Comment 214: 22,416 views. How interesting to see these seven criteria explained. Parental abandonment, criticism, invalidation of feelings makes one feel we are not worth anything, so we reject ourselves. I’m glad the 31 percent remission rate can be improved by good counsellee relationships. Super Great Dr. Grande 😄😄😄😄
I enjoy these so much. The study of “Liz” carries so many lessons especially in how the therapeutic alliance aided the construction of her healthy narrative. Thank you for covering this topic, Dr. Grande 🙏 Looking forward to your next upload 🎥
Thank you Dr. Grande this was an interesting case . I enjoy these case studies it makes it so much easier to understand these disorders , when you give us these examples.
When I was a kid I always felt inadequate. Same when I was a teenager and an adult until I was about 35. That’s when I finally realized that I’m much better than everyone I allowed to make me feel inadequate. Now I avoid people because I know they all suck.
Yeah same here. In my case I think I withdrew since I was a child. If I couldn't fit into society, I will reject it. I've been described as quite closed off but confident and warm once you get to know me. I would never describe myself as confident. I've dealt with a lot of ridicule from my mum who is a recovering alcoholic and to this day at almost 30 I don't consider myself to be a real person or a woman.
That's an incredibly sad disorder! And from what I've just learned from you- it's created from very sad circumstances in childhood. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with us!
Interesting sounds a bit like my story but I had a narscist physcopath father who raised us and my mother left when I was 11. I'm very avoidance but has happened later in life. Always been a bit but more sereve now after a couple of narcsistic friends were in my life.. I'm finally free of them but am left very avoidance of life now to protect myself.
I'm similar, my father is a covert narc my mother is dependant. Both are still together, married but were never emotionally or physically invested in me. They were with other people so of course I grew up thinking I was never good enough. I've been told I'm dependent but I really don't need anyone well that's how I've survived my life bringing myself up. People find me some kind of mystery that I can just 100 % 24/7 always be on my own. They seem to idolize me for it in actual fact I see people make connections everyday and it makes me feel like I'm not worth each breath I take. People always discard me even after their love confession in any sense of the word, friend, romance coworker etc I'm always just up and thrown aside whilst being told I'm the one who can be on my own then get shamed when I just go oh OK I'll be on my own then and do it. It's like they expect me to fight for them when in actual fact I've went above and beyond my natural instincts to try connect so I guess as an adult it's gotten to a point now Im probably more avoidant than ever before. Most of my issues is the amount of high narcissistic people in my life that surround me. I'm trying to learn more about myself so I can become a well rounded adult but boy is it hard.
I love these types of videos. Helps to understand people and maybe see signs in other people of these things, and be better friends with these people co-workers and such. Working with the public gets very useful and how are you talk to people thank you again I also noticing that too many people do discuss avoiding personalities
Parents can really make or break a child. I was raised by responsible parents. They are not perfect, but from how I turned out, I think they did a good job. However, some of the things my mother said, still affect me to today. I can see how damaging some people can be when they had broken parents. Looking back, I now realized there were a little bit of avoidance disorder in my parents. They loved each other but really avoided all other social relationships or friendships all their lives. We lived a life of recluse. No family gatherings, no visiting relatives nor weekend bbq . Also, my mother worshiped my father and I feel if I was born a male, she would have worshiped me too, but I was not. Even though I am the only child but I am also the bottom of the family hierarchy. My father was her sole focus but she was not my father’s sole focus. He had many artistic and personal pursuits that do not include us. At times, I would be her whipping girl when She felt neglected. Nothing physical, just verbal attacks. When i tried to comfort her when my father went on long trips and she cried, like “ it’s ok, he is pursuing his career and doing what he loves”, she would turned on me and said “i have feelings, unlike you, so cold blooded.” I was only 13 years old. It was so unfair because my father wanted me to strong and don’t cry but she accuse me of unfeeling. All my lives, she would repeat the story how I almost kill her at child birth. How difficult the labor was and etc. like somehow it was my fault. I took it as it is and didn’t think much of it. She also stated proudly how she dropped me off at Daycare at just 30 Days old because she was a career woman. These were stories that were told hundreds of times in my life and I was indifferent to it. I felt nothing about it Until I gave birth to my son at thirty years old. All the sudden I had realized something was wrong with her and her constant recount of my birth being so negative was not natural. I felt non of the negative feelings about the birth of my son and just felt happy and eager. So the next time she told the story of my birth, I told her it was not my problem. She kind of dropped that topic from then on. I left my career to be a full time mom after my son was born. My husband is very different man than my father. He is a very devoted husband and father and doesn’t have personal goals that do not include me and the kids. I guess, in many ways i rebelled against my mother and turn out to be great.
Fk yes thank you for sharing this.. Its just me & my older sis I'm 36 she 45 she's married 2 kids. Im single nvr married no kids yet and all of us living with my parents. Mom worships dad. Dad does whatever the fk he want etc he always falls back on I'd leave this marriage if it wasn't for my youngest daughter not financially set and healthy.. I'm currently addicted to hard drugs use daily .. sis was alcoholic & hard drugs user.. luckily she's been sober for the past 2yrs but she always has mental breakdowns or quit or got let go from all her passed jobs. We both got certified in something that cost over 10k didn't pay..lost the license eventually. Us both had been in anywhere from mild toxic relationships to severe trauma physically assaulted.. spied on.. held against our will from the men we were dating. Anyways my parents on many separate occasions said things that were so fkd up.. they justify their actions with we've never & will nvr use drugs or drink or hit us. Lies my dad threw me by the neck wen I was a lil kid,slapped a lot, punched (dad punched me in the chest while driving) mom shoved a bar of soap in my mouth tried to get me to close my mouth w/the soap in it stil. Dropped out of comm college. Dad pushed me to do army 09' to 17' . I said I wanted togo for air force he said no the score to get in is too high. Army haz the lowest standards to get in ..u c he brainwashed me to believe that Im only smart enough to get the lowest level of work.. its so sad
My crippling fear of abandonment and deep fear of missing out helped my AvPD get extremely better for reasons I won't get into right now. I didn't even know it was a thing, I thought I had extreme anxiety and was just overall too inhibited and incapable of taking control. Now there's just remnants left, it's kinda relieving and surprising to realize.
Wow I’m facing all of these at the current moment. Thank you for help me understand this. Most of these disorders aren’t even ours they are just projection from our care givers that we seen work for them lol. It’s time to go. Time up! I did therapy for 7 years and now practice shaman rituals and sound healings and in the last two years I’ve been able to heal myself still seeing the therapist and much meditation
Not to be pushy, would it be possible for you to do one of these for schizotypal/schizoid PD? There is very little about schizoid PD, that I could find...
The role DNA plays in this should start to be addressed. I received my DNA results back and it clearly showed a fear of public speaking.. I've had SAD all my life and am starting to think I have AVPD too, however at some point we need to learn to accept we are who we are and we can't always point the finger to our childhoods especially when other siblings are fine. I was the kid who hid behind the mom when visiting the cousins. Unfortunately it's just the way it is. The world needs all sorts of people. I'd prefer to do research in library...because its also what I love.
Thank you so much for the information. It's a relief to have a way to learn without some of the villianization that comes with some of the content available out there. I was taught to always use my own critical thinking skills to decide what I believe, and unfortunately, alot of media currently available is seemly trying to make those discernments for me. (Perhaps lacking faith in my abilities to make informed judgements of my own). It is this quality in your presentations (along with the dry humor) that keeps me returning. I have so much more to learn, and I want to say thank you for offering material that let's me do so without all the the effort at persuation. You rock, Dr. Grande. You make RUclips a better community
Thank you, Dr. Grande, for adding another puzzle piece of my past; Reflection, and Mentalization. It's nice to know there are categories, and terms for the process of recovery. I only hope there can be more interventions in those teen years for the people that are suffering from AvPD and its co-morbid afflictions. Think of how different Liz's life would have been like if a professional was able to intervene? I fully understand the daunting task of surviving ambivalent Love Addiction, through No Contact, while building an earned attachment style-without any professional help. Decades.
![Coheed and Cambria - Searching for Tomorrow [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/hDsYGLbmadg/mqdefault.jpg)
Avoidant Personality Disorder is to me one of the most tragic consequences of childhood abuse. It is like telling the most beautiful flower in the forest not to bloom. The flower is still there but cannot be its full potential and stays there closed off hiding all that scent and colour for fear of being seen.
"telling the most beautiful flower in the forest not to bloom" - very poetic, i love it
That is interesting Bob. I had never heard of Avoidant Personality Disorder until recently. I just thought it was a cross between shyness and social anxiety. I certainly didn't know it was rooted in childhood. Both my parents are quite shy. I just thought I inherited shyness from them. When I look back though, I can see some neglect followed by controlling behaviour. I was never allowed to voice an opinion. Even now my dad cringes whenever I voice an opinion and argues with me for the sake òf it. He still wants to control my soul at 89.
So beautifully stated. Wish I could give you a hug.
This! ❤️
This describes it perfectly! I suspect I might have AvPD due to my emotionally abusive and neglectful upbringing. My single mum was an alcoholic who would be very sarcastic and judgemental. I was always a shy kid and I always thought I was never good enough to contribute to society.
I relate to these criteria so much, I was even scared to leave this comment because I thought I'd get made fun of in the replies. It feels like being trapped in your own mind and just wanting someone to understand and accept you, but being too ashamed to ever ask for help.
You feel as if you have no right to share how you are feeling. That your emotions are too inconvenient for others.
My husband thinks that me expressing what I want him to do for me or stop doing to me that hurts me is not accepting him for who he is and not understanding him... he has avoidant attachment style
@@mrkeogh this
Same. But like how do you ask for help without coming in off like you're Fishing for Compliments or needing Narcissistic Supply.
Thank you all for your support! I had a number of requests for this video so I hope it turned out well.
excelent!
APD is like social anxiety right?i have all simptoms of APD and SA
Thank you for your efforts dr.todd, would you share the article that you talked about in the video please?
Thank you so much for bringing forth more information & light upon this subject/disorder. My daughter suffers from this & it’s not just a open & shut case of social anxiety (the 2, as you well know share almost all of the same exact features, but there are a couple minor differences in the 2 that add’s so much more understanding to what’s going on in her beautiful little mind.) It’s also extremely helpful to know the difference between the 2 in ways to treat & help her because as she has vocalized to me & that’s this is not very easy to live with outside the comfort of her home & yes, she can feel very lonely at times which saddens me because she has such an AWESOME personality that it boggles my mind she would ever feel insecure about anyone not liking her or looking at her as different. Not saying that just cause she’s my child either, lol.
I'm so thankful I got therapy. I'm a Liz.
My father was a narcissist. One night he walked into the living room where my mom was holding me on the couch and he just flipped out! He screamed at her to stop showing me affection. I was 6. That was 50 years ago. But, I remember it like it was yesterday.😪
That breaks my heart . Hi back and hold that little girl . I’m sorry . You are valuable
I had a similar experience. I was really sick so my mom was holding me and rocking me, I think I was four or five. My dad, who was rarely in the picture, came in the room, grabbed me, and threw me across the room. I don't remember what happened next other than him yelling "get off of her". That's it.
I'm so sorry. That just breaks my heart to think of a baby safe and snuggly to go immediately into scared and confused. That would cause a lifelong trauma but living with someone like that would cause CPTSD, just to have to live on guard :-(
@ Silver Bullett. If one parent is giving attention to their child, sometimes the other parent can actually become jealous of that attention and thus jealous of their own child. It can also play out negatively in how the jealous parent treats the child he is jealous of.
Wow… I can’t believe you went through this with a father being so callous. Hope you have had healing from this
My partner has Avoidant Personality Disorder and I have ADHD. We are both survivors of childhood abuse. My partner has such a beautiful and funny personality locked away inside. It took many months of building trust for him to open up to me. It’s been an honor for me to get to know his deep, sensitive and very sweet personality that he hides behind a salty, gruff exterior. I think my goofy, inhibitions and the chaotic nature of my ADHD actually helped him relax around me. He’s the most steadfast, loyal companion I’ve ever known.
This comment may have given me what I need to save my relationships
@@Robert10075 💖
I was diagnosed with APD & ADHD last week This comment has helped me to pursue (not avoid) a potential relationship with a friend she also has ADHD. It always amused how I can feel so comfortable and lively with her.
I hope you are going strong together.
Im a bit of an avoidant and i dated a girl who said she had ADHD and it was the worst relationship I’ve ever had. She kept gaslighting me that I was a selfish narcissist person, would randomly call me and I’d be home all the time where I said I’d be and she’d think I was talking to other girls when I was in my bubble enjoying my hobbies and never gave her any reason to doubt my loyalty…she turned me into a cold hearted man…she would keep fights going for hours if she didn’t feel like she got resolve and I just had to take the insults and anger…it got to a point where I felt so attacked constantly I would have knee-jerk reaction and yell at the top of my lungs and dump her in the heat of the moment…
She ended it 2 weeks, and I found out there’s already has another man in her life…and I’ve been discarded as the evil one.
You’re boyfriend is a lucky man.
It makes perfect sense to learn to lower your standards if you have such a nagging internal critic that you never feel as if you " measure up". I can relate so much to this case study.
Yes
I’m there with you.
This is me. Effortlessly have All 7. Feels better to know it has a name. Helps me move forward.
Hey Rich, have you sought out treatment yet? I've come to the same realization that this is my affliction and am now trying to get the right treatment before its too late..
I have AvPD but my family is so perfect.
I always thought that I didn't deserve such wonderful parents.
Now in my therapy sessions I discovered that it was a lie.
My parents never hits me, but they abused me emotionally and I don't have to be grateful for them for keep me under roof, give me food and buy me clothes.
I deserve love for who I am. Not for perfect skills, and doing house chores
.
it took me two years to understand this
this line "I deserve love for who I am. Not for perfect skills, and doing house chores
" hit my heart. Exactly what I wanted from my parents and family member but never got. they are programmed by society and run this program on their child
I really need a good therapist, and money to pay them
I really relate to this.. I always felt like I had a perfect childhood, so how did I end up with AvPD? Looking back, my parents never accepted me for who I was so I always feared rejection
I mean it could just be genetic. I'm diagnosed avpd and I'm certain it is genetic. I'd be wary of trying to find trauma where there is none because you need a justification for your illness. Again, it can just be genetic. With that said I'm not doubting you - if you've thoroughly thought about it and concluded you did experience trauma then so be it.
EXACTLY!
I'm always wonder about it too. on the surface it seem perfect. I am the last child, everyone tells me how lucky I am, my father is rich, my mother is kind, I just cannot find any misbehavior in my childhood.
after watching this video I thought to myself maybe it's because I'v been consistently ridiculed from my cousin, and my parents 'secretly' compare me with my 'talented' cousins, by their achievements, and encourage me to become like them, not like my mischief brother!
I use the word secretly because I don't remember any specific talk or behavior from my parent, but unconsciously I always compare myself to them and wanted to become like them and avoiding becoming like my brother.
My entire adult life makes sense now. I'm not thrilled about it, but at least it makes sense. This would have been great information about 30 years ago.
wow... i must say. I felt physical pain from watching this... i have all of these symptoms... having them called out made my heart clench real hard...
Swedish possum first I felt a kind of relief. The issues called by the name, like in the story about Rumpelstilzchen and the ban was broken LOL. Nothing of the sort!
@Swedish possum 💜
I've got to agree, this hit a weird chord.
Me too :(
Same.
16:00 I’m so happy that you mentioned “lowering the standards” of perfectionists. I started seeing a therapist 20 years ago and that was one of the first things she encouraged me to do. It sounds so silly that it took me so long to drop my perfectionism, but it did. And I worked very hard to do it!
I agree but then when other people have higher expectations than what i can handle it causes me immense stress and the perfectionism rises agin
@@inu6beepboop221 that’s tough. I’m sorry you’re going through that, but I understand the struggle. Hang in there.
It's taking me a long time to understand how self-destructive perfectionism can be, though the damage is most clear when you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others to (and by that I mean you let others get away with poor behavior towards you). One of the most surprisingly useful observations I heard was that perfectionism can be seen as arrogantly believing you are able to be perfect. That was a clap back that helped me see it differently than when I thought it was a virtue to strive towards.
@@SusanWillful that’s great advice. Thanks!
I've been like that forever. I am 39 and only found out this now. I was severely abused as a child, on a daily basis, and then when I got to my teens I started just closing up. I would stay in my room in the dark for most of my time and this still happens today. I can't enrol to the gym for example, if I don't have someone I know to go with me. I will simply not go anywhere. For me, to order a coffee in a cafe is so stressful that I rather not do it. So, it is very hard for me to be social. I do it when I have to. Work, school etc, but only I know how stressful that is. My story is very similar to the lady you mentioned.
You might benefit from listening to THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE - Bessel van der Kolk (available as audio book on YT)
Me, too.
Me too.
dont worry am 42 and got to know about it literally a few weeks ago 😁 but am happy abojt this discovery.
also i have the same anxiety not as much as before i worked a lot on it but used to be shaking and sweating when i had to get on a bus or order anything from a restaurant or whatever. Well i never went to any until i was forced by a boyfriend and then i learnt not to be afraid to order a coffee or food. But when am alone i usually dont go to cafes, or restaurants at all as i feel very strange to sit there by myself. Same for the gym i still avoid that place.
dont have a job for 16years
Thank you. I was diagnosed at 21. When I was little, my mother was absent, either separated from us or working 70 hours per week, and my dad was emotionally neglectful and physically abusive. I have ADHD which made homework and chores very difficult and I was punished for not being able to do them fast enough. My sister didn't get spanked after 7 years old but I got beat daily until I was 13. Hugs and praise didn't happen and I wasn't told I was loved until I was 14 when they decided to get divorced, after which the abuse escalated. It was very rough. At my worst, as a young adult I had panic disorder with agoraphobia, depression, and avoidant personality disorder stacked.
I'm 28 now. I went through about 8 years of therapy, and 3 years after therapy I no longer have the panic disorder or depression. My avoidant personality disorder feels invisible some days now that there's no social anxiety tied to it, but I suppose it's still around since I strongly limit who I interact with. I have not dated since I was 16 and have no desire ever to do so. I don't want friends beyond a few people I talk to online -- but honestly, that is where I am comfortable, and forcing anything more has only brought me heartache. Living within my comfort zone has been exactly what I needed to recover from all of the trauma; today I am able to hold a full time job and support myself, and even other family members who have needed my help during the pandemic. It does get better, but you do have to put time and patience into healing, and understanding the trauma behind your thought patterns. Getting this diagnosis and learning why my brain works this way helped me so much.
I was touched reading your story due to how much I can relate, especially to the exact diagnosis.
Sending you strength 💖
OP : Hi, i kinda relate on the avoidant part.
By sheer luck i didn't had to endure abuse as extreme as you have experienced.
You can be proud of your accomplishment today, i'm glad you are a functioning member for your community. Thank you.
A friend of mine reacted to my lack of enthusiasm to meet new people, he is pro social, "You will avoid most of bad people if you don't hangout and you will miss the good one too.".
He is quite shallow usually but he caughted me off guard with that one.
Most people i know are kind, i work well enought to live in a nice area with nice citizens (mostly :D).
And you may try to consider there is individuals who already likes you anyway and you should rewards them by your company.
It will rollercoast your mood for sure for a while. I use sport as mood regulator (far better than alcohol or drugs).
I wish you the best.
I've heard the criticism that says that today's society is a boderline society and it is. However, it has also become an avoidant society. Avoidant behavior has become necessary in a society that has become more and more bigoted and intolerant. I use sophisticated avoidant strategies in my daily life. It's less costly to avoid a problem than to have to solve it. I would say it's a fine line between calling that a disorder and calling it a necessity.
I totally believe the 2-year amount because I am AVPD+SAD, and unless I keep pushing myself to continue what I learned in my Cognitive Behavior Therapy, the underlying feelings start growing again, and the fight gets tougher. Thank you so much for this.
No-one is a disorder. 😑
My spouse hid behind this diagnosis. He was later diagnosed with Psycopathy 1.
Im not criticizing anyone with this diagnosis. I want to inform people to learn the symptoms of both diagnosis . Thank you Dr Grande!
Having unattainable high standards and expectations is a way to self-sabatoge.
Is it? Hmmmn
@@SweetUareDesi See the word unattainable and you will agree?
True, though I find that framing - self-sabotage - to be pretty judgmental itself. Feels kind of like blaming the victim, if that’s the early training that someone got.
...or setting yourself up to becoming an underachiever 🤔
Working on reprogramming the cellular dna structure with meditation and sound healings
Thank you for this! I have some avoidant tendencies and I feel sorry for anyone with the disorder.
Jordan Peterson who? I think you are hands down the best mental health provider on you tube. Unbiased, thoughtful, no agenda, clear and based on reason. I'm now a subsciber! Keep up the great work.
LMAO, do you actually consider Jordan Peterson a mental health provider?
I certainly do not
I'm not sure if you're asking me Marie, but no I do not.
@@rosiebowers1671 I mean, he objectively is though, or at least he was for a long time since he practiced clinically.
JustChizzin i agree, he gives a bad name to psychology and therapy. Using some ancient-medieval caveman theories in this modern world.
I think my husband fits 4 of the criteria for APD. He was never held as a baby and banged his head on the wall to rock himself to sleep. He was slapped if he ever.cried as a young child & told to "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about". They never hugged or talked about their feelings. He says he is fine with no friends. He hated the parts of his job that required human interaction. He sees no need for therapy or change. My point is this: It is not fine to live with a person who has nothing to say, no feelings to express, no zest, just passive listening. It's like talking to a wall. These people need therapy. But they have to be self aware enough to realize it. p.s. Dr G, you'd be a good object of transference. 🙂
Suzy Q well said.
The point is that those people you've described probably don't want or care to live with others either.. hence they have no issues staying bland.
Suzy Q, the fact that you have a problem with him doesn't mean he needs therapy or needs to change.
Why did you get into a relationship with him in the first place if you find him bland and you feel like you're just talking to a wall?
RPKVids. True, it's not all about how it affects me. It's about how the symptoms of APD can worsen over the years. Therapy may have helped him be happier with his life now, who knows?
We've been married for many many years and I love my husband very much. I just recognize the reasons why it is the way it is. I still think therapy would help, but that is not going to happen. The education Dr G and others provide help me to understand and that understanding helps me to accept.
Dr. Grande, you’re the compassionate, rationale voice that so many of us didn’t have growing up. Appreciate you!
Guys if you procrastinating some work because you thinking you cant do it before deadline or upto perfection just try and do 70% of what you can offer , convince yourself to do it 70% of what u can do Such a game changer for me .
Even when Im 100% sure someone likes me, I still talk myself out of the relationship and eventually just stop responding and every time I do, as much as I crave that connection, I IMMEDIATELY feel an intense wave of relief. Like, “Oh, thank God, I knew I'd never be able to keep that up”.
So touching, hearing about overcoming real life issues. 'Liz' should be proud of herself! Thank you for these valuable videos, Dr. Grande, I love your content. ☺️
You are quite welcome 🙂
I'm sitting here feeling so damn proud of 'Liz' for getting help and giving herself that chance. Being able to recognize that you deserve to feel better and have a happier life is such an enormous step and everything hinges on it. You gotta choose to be there for your own self; that's what self-esteem is.
Sure but not doing it for other people though!
Hi Dr. Grande. I am a person with APD and I have had to deal with it since childhood. Unfortunately in my country (Mexico) there are still many stigmas regarding mental disorders and about APD there is a total lack of interest and ignorance, so I have been studying about APD by myself to find a way to overcome this condition. I recognize that I have improved in some aspects such as extreme introversion and social anxiety, however, now I have not been able to combat my tendency to procrastinate, which has already brought me many problems. My question is if you know of any case of people who have been able to overcome the APD by themselves, without the attention of a therapist. Thank you very much Dr. Grande; and congratulations on your channel. You’re a very professional.
espero que su viaje en este vida sea un poco mas mejor en estos dias. 💓
I knw this is 3yrs late but i hope u overcame it...im just now going through your similar situation of discovery...through reading and watching videos, i now feel seen, didnt know what i was going through all those years, now i can put a name to it....similarly i live in the Caribbean where mental health issues are stigmatized, and not much resources for help available, im also wondering if its something one can get through on their own
Love the story of the lady. Being a quick study I made the transformation quickly, seven decades of learning and now my disorder has a name.
My father left when i was a toddler and around the same time, my mother went to prison for over a year. when she came back, she got into hard drugs and became abusive. yet it took me until I was in my early 20s to be able to break free because of was more fearful of the unknown, despite it being much less scary than it was staying in such an abusive situation.
This gave me a lot of insight into myself and my own behavioral patterns. I saw that the patterns were there, but never made the correlation to my past, because i always felt somewhat emotionally detached from my childhood. i think its obvious that I was just avoiding it, now.
I’ve been diagnosed with apd and found this video highly informative. I also rate highly on the asperger screening test.
What appears to work for me is somatic therapy and emdr. It’s early days but so far they’re the only thing that’s had any effect and I’m a pretty extreme example of the disorder.
Ash _ Thanks for sharing, I’m doing EDMR soon. How has it helped u so far? I also have quite extreme avpd too. I’ve spoken to someone else online that also said these 2 therapies worked well for them so maybe this is a good option for people like us. EDMR and somatic therapy is rarely mentioned as an avpd treatment but logically, and theoretically, it makes sense that it might help x
Thank you for sharing. Although not diagnosed your story sounds similar to me.
I found hypnotherapy with a very empathic and knowledgable therapist helped.
Dr.Grande,
Your intellect and vocabulary amaze me.
This feels painfully close to my life. I think I cope okay with these feelings or impulses, so I’m not sure if I meet the level of this, but I can definitely empathize. Social connections are the hardest to make and gaining insight of that relationship with your parent is difficult. I was able to do that on my own. It did add to the isolation and I still have doubts sometimes about my role as a child and whether “worthiness” was my fault.
I describe the standards as a recovering Type A.
For me, the disorder has gotten worse with age. Now, I rarely leave the house.
I have this and here’s something that’s always been a struggle for me. If I go to someone’s house and I’m thirsty I would never ask for a drink of water. In fact. If someone offered me a glass of water, I feel like I’m instantly a burden on them, even if they offer.. I never wanted a wedding for myself but I do wish I was different and I could enjoy normal things other people do. I don’t have social media at all due to my fear of rejection and ridicule. Im on the outside looking in
I remember when I started high school teachers kept calling my mum coz they could tell I wasn't normal. When Id get home mum would be so mad. She was like "Can't you act fucking normal. Everyone will think I'm a bad mother."
Same. We have to teach kids today to be good people
narcissistic mother that can think of herself only and what other will think about her instead of trying to help her kid. ugly. I think by law all humans should have their astrological chart done at birth an extensive understanding of each baby/person and their life path and destiny. yes there is free will but also there is karmic paths that are powerful in our life and we can't deny these karmic patterns. much easier when you accept for instance that having super abusive parents was your choice before you came down to earth, you chose them to be your parents so hopefully you can solve something through interacting with them. For instance if you wouldn't have abusive childhood maybe you wouldn't be able to strengthen your intuition or your empathic skills or you openness and sensitivity towards human behaviours, reactions, the world around you preserving nature etc.. I know its more complex than this but at least discovering the esoteric side of reality helps a lot really.
"Do exactly as i say, or I'll smack you ANYWAY. ↔️ Because nothing can be done to my standards, you're useless."
I want to avoid having this disorder. Too much shame of stigma. Really I think it's just a false belief and a normal human reaction to circumstances. Much love to you all. Glad to hear it can be treated
Not a professional, but her experience runs almost all parallels to mine, including a severe accident with long recovery. My college career has been the same as well. Now I've messed up any college options. I was "forced" to go for things I hated at a community College instead of being "allowed" to go to a university to pursue my own interests, and had scholarships. Now at 28 I'm anxiety stricken and rarely want to hang out unless I'm inebriated. Though growing up I was highly extroverted. I feel like two people most the time. Which appears to be natural and healthy for some because it allows perception. But i genuinely feel this way quite intensely to where i can never make a decision about frikin anything. I feel i had so much potential but now these heart pounding brain clouding feelings drive any action that could potentially improve my life. I rarely take any risks yet the other me naturally wants to. I usually opt to default and won't take the risk. Doesn't matter if my logical side knows better. Feels like a curse.
I feel the same. How to heal?
This describes my husband to a tee! He's now 67 and it's gotten worse. Some of his time is spent tinkering around the house but most of his time is spent watching westerns on tv. He's always had a tendency to be critical, negative and judgmental which stems from, I think, a great deal of insecurity. His mother was an award winning narcissist and did much damage to all 3 of her kids. I have to figure out a way to understand him better and process his negativity/micromanaging comments for my own sake. I'll be on the search for those videos! You're so helpful; thank you.
You’re doing a great service to everyone by telling us about these topics. You make me want to go back to school to learn about this stuff.
I study psychology and your videos are so helpful! There’s very little reliable psychological knowledge on yt. I’m just before my exam from psychopathology and I can just feel my knowledge consolidating while watching your videos, thank you!
I know self-diagnosing can be very inaccurate, but I exhibit most of the qualities mentioned in this video. I was severely bullied as a kid & psychologically abused by my mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. From grades 3 to my junior year in high school, I was the target of some type of abuse by someone. I began abusing drugs & alcohol to cope. Eventually I learned to stand up for myself in school & at home. I had to flee from home to move in with my supportive, mentally stable father. To this day I have to fight my want to avoid people at all costs & have worked on myself internally to where I'm now not so avoidant. To a healthier social level that improves my quality of life. I've always had a few good best friends & have had 2 serious relationships that consisted of me having severe trust issues where I projected my relationship with my mom onto the relationship with the girl I was seeing. People naturally make me very anxious & I find life better when they're not around.
I don't think I ever had Avoidant Personality Disorder, but a general contentment at being alone, and preferring a few close friends, which was easier in elementary school, trickier by high school or college where contacts expanded for others, when others started smoking and drinking which never made sense to me, but I'd go to a few parties, if I could connect to one person, I felt it was good. After college I decided to be brave and picked 3 things - donating blood, joining Toastmasters, and joining Ballroom dance club, and repeated Ballroom/swing level 1 over 2 years since they needed more men, and I tried level 2 and 3 for the beginning. I still feel most comfortable in my own mind, and notice I still have a split, like I'll plan out activities, but if they're larger more, I don't realize I don't want to go until the last minute. And I've never had a job without a personal contact first, and the idea of presenting myself for a job where there is competition is painful to me, both anxiety of wondering if I can do a job, and general assumption others probably are better, unless I really know what to expect.
Overall, I see I like situations where mistakes are not catastrophic (including a fear of heights, and didn't drive a car until after college), and prefer to learn in private rather than in groups.
I've been in therapy for 6yrs and I cant find stability. I constantly quit jobs, avoid social interactions, and never been in a romantic relationship. I've been tying start my own business but I just can't interact with people. I think at this point the only thing I could hope for is stability.
hope you are doing well now
Are you on medication? You've done the work it might be time to incorporate a new tool to help get you onto your next steps. Owning your own business is such hard but fulfilling work! You may keep switching jobs until you become a free agent for yourself. I hope you get your chance to try your new adventure!
@@AliValentine143 no I'm not on medication. My therapist wants me to try some. Which I'm discussing with my doctor right now. But you along with many people have suggested it and I'm going to try it. Thanks.
@@cristobalzapata1227 yeah when I made that comment I was in a low spot. I'm usually depressed but i have different levels of it and that month was a bad one. But right now I'm alright. Thanks
@@MrBigtime1986 Glad you are getting better!
I know someone who has expressed that he has social anxiety, and based on what you’re saying he may have some of the traits of avoidant personality. I’m obviously not a mental health professional, therefore I can’t diagnose him but I still recognize certain traits which makes this video interesting to me. I’m currently considering getting into a romantic relationship with him and he does take things very slow and expresses being nervous about how to communicate with me, as if I’ll judge him harshly. This video is food for thought! Thanks.
Thank you..This subject must be given more attention clinically and in practise .This is often overlooked or not given much attention but in fact is a very debiliating issue that hampers Quality of life.I suffer from it but i am only treated for my dysthymia and anxiety.But what majorly is effecting me is my avoidant personality.
This is me…. I was bullied at school age 15. I want friends, but I push them away. I’m so lonely, but I can’t do anything about it. I can stand talking to more than one person at a time. I try and avoid any social situations. I am 58, and still suffering. I’ve never heard of this disorder. I wish I could get help. … Thank you for covering this subject.
I hope your doing better. Stay strong. So many of us suffer quietly but we're all human and crave for love and attention. Please never give up hope.
Working through this exact issue myself. I've been in therapy for about 4 years, slowly working through things. Avoidance has been a huge problem for me though. This helps me understand what I'm going through. Thank you for explaining this so well. :)
This “presentation example” format is super helpful. Great video!
I'm not sure if I'd be clinically diagnosed with APD but I do feel if I have a personality disorder this is the one...and perhaps I just have some of the traits. I relate to Liz's story as far as being abandoned by my father and neglected by my young mother, who was often preoccupied with various boyfriends. I've made a successful life for myself despite my upbringing but still have issues that are unresolved. Truthfully, I only found out about personality disorders after a 10 year relationship with someone who I believe is in the Cluster B (BPD or NPD). Thank you for your insight. This is a whole new world of understanding for me.
mawmaw's best advice ever: when I was starting out on my own, mawmaw sat me down around the kitchen table and gave me the best advice ever that has saved my sanity, health and life many, many times . Mawmaw's always wise and insightful, having only pure love and my best at heart--made me promise to "never put it in crazy" RIP mawmaw, God bless you.
Thank you! It has explained it well. I was of course abused and neglected and always wondered what that was. makes since.
Hello, this case left me speechless... There is nothing of value I can add to this. So I thank Dr. Grande and wish everyone a pleasant evening and a good night. 🌛
You're welcome 🙂
Very happy to see this presentation! Don't know why, but it feels so very true.
The recovery seems like it came a little too easy. I'm sure there's more stuff going on than what was described. Just having a therapist is not going to cure of a personality disorder. Although I have seen studies that say the best cure for someone who has an abusive childhood is a solid secure relationship in their life. My hunch is that there was a lot of work done for her to process her mother's abuse. And that when she got through with all of that and could fully understand her mother was out of line that's when she could start making progress. It's kind of remarkable that she could build trust in her therapist and then transfer it to strangers. I can eventually trust an individual but I can't imagine ever being able to have a blanket trust of any group of people, they're all going to have to be vetted.
I agree. Speaking from my experience with APD, we aim to please. Therapy is difficult in that I feel like I am responsible for others feelings (emotional incest led to this tendency) and that includes my therapist. I didn't consciously realize I was this the first few therapists I saw. I wanted them to feel like they were doing a good job (especially the student therapist who was being graded on our sessions). If I am malingering and not showing improvement every week they might get down on themselves (I know I would), so I probably end up spending a lot of energy (not in a manipulative or calculated way) trying to sound positive, even when there are fires burning all around me...just because it makes me good to think that I am "helping" them do their job and I deceive myself into feeling better and happier for having done that. Of course, I am in fact doing just the opposite of that.
Anyways, when I hear someone with APD saying they are much better after a short time, I wonder if they are doing it for the benefit of the therapist. We are troubled, but kind-hearted people. Which is why, I think APD is under-researched. We suffer alone. We don't cause too many ripples. We don't wreak havoc in others lives. We aren't attention seekers. We don't like to get in trouble. Though there can definitely be relationship difficulties. Those relationships are typically short-lived and we go back to being by ourselves, privately suffering.
Dr. I have bpd and avoidant . but I am having issues with having no desire for physical contact.. I don't. Even want to kiss the idea is just yucky to me.. What's wrong with me?? I really like this man but I don't want any physical contact sexually. I don't mind holding hands hugs I can tolerate and I can tolerate him rubbing my back or leg but I don't really like it .. What can I do? He's wonderful I'm just so broken.. Plz help !!
Bobbijean Rose I hear you sister. I get what you’re saying and I hope you find what you need now. That fellow sounds very understanding of you...
@@griffox emotional incest?
@@griffox This is exactly what happened between me and my therapist(s) I only realized it after I had gone this time. I do still need help even after so many years of trying. At least I am older now, more conscious of my processes and take with me what I have learned so far.
Would someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder be likely to avoid identifying himself as such?
All the best to "Liz."
It's very difficult to recover from such a bad start in life, and she deserves our respect for her persistence and courage.
No. I knew in 1992, a full 4 years before the diagnosis was confirmed by a professional.
Yeah I was so rooting for Liz and even cheered out loud when I heard she was going out and making friends.
Please do one of these about dependent personality disorder!!! Please please please!! Thank you! Love you, Dr. Grande. Youre the best!
A video on DPD will be ready soon - thank you so much 🙂
Excellent Dr Grande! It’s a debilitating disorder!
The sad part is that I have this, along with social anxiety, and depression, but I cannot afford therapy....😞I want treatment so bad.
Please be aware that there are free and sliding fee clinics for psychotherapy. Just do an online search... ❤
Did you diagnose yourself?
I feel I have this too, but also can't get therapy because there are very few therapists where I live, there's a 2 year wait to get an appointment with one, and even if I could see one I couldn't afford it. That's life when you live in a 3rd world country.
I feel you. I was diagnosed for AvPD by psychiatrist, but the idea of going to therapist is kinda out of my reach.
But wouldn’t be sad if u happened to not have it? Typical dumbass mindset
Just learning that I probably have been dealing with a AvPD has helped me a lot. My last failed relationship took me on a rod of figuring what the hell is wrong with me so that I could be a better bf or husband to my future girl. I realized that I have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style that caused a lot of pain that I just didn't understand during the relationship; I thought that I was a good bf but looking back at it now I had a very hard time showing love for a woman I truly loved. I wouldn't have gone on this self healing journey if it wasn't for her breaking up with me, panful but a catalyst to my growth.
All the research led me to this and hope that I can fix myself.
I'm unique that my onset of this avoidance wasn't a result of child hood neglect but of something that happed later in my teens; I remember being very social and everyone liked me and I enjoyed hanging out with other kids. Because I can actually pinpoint the cause of this downward spiral I know that I can heal to a great extent.
Thanks you for your videos they are helping me a lot.
I'm AVPD with Dismissive Avoidant attachment too. I've been reading comments on videos for people in relationships with DA partners. I think it's fair to say that we don't have a great reputation as romantic interests! 🙃 ("Girl, run!" was one memorable phrase advising someone about their DA bf, haha).
The presentation sample is very good. 🎉
Thanks for your videos on personality disorders, I legitimately take notes on them, I wish to be a therapist that helps people with personality disorders specifically, mainly psychopathy and antiscocial personality disorder.
As a result of all the mental wellness work I have been doing this spring and summer - I was just diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Severe Social Anxiety Disorder.
FINALLY, a name to what I have felt ALL MY LIFE!!
Did you get therapy Fintan? How're things?
This is excellent. It's so insightful especially with the indecisiveness and procrastination. Lack of trust in oneself due to an overly critical parent explains the procrastination and the feeling of being stuck or unable to take action on decisions to be made. I think also dissociating from feelings and needs.
I can relate to this patient's story. have this disorder, and I can honestly say that I was aware of it very early in my life. I felt "different" and uncomfortable when neighborhood children came over to play, and I preferred to play alone--I was only 4-years-old. At five, I felt the same way when I entered Kindergarten, having a feeling that I was different or inferior to the other kids. My mother wasn't abusive then, however, she became physically and mentally abusive when I was about 8. I believe she had borderline personality disorder, which worsened due to stress and abandonment. Her husband left her in poverty when she was six months pregnant. I believe this disorder is genetic due to my early perceptions of myself, however, I'm sure my mother's abuse helped shape it.
Watching these because I’m in love with someone who has this disorder. She’s been my best friend for a long time and we’re stuck at that point because of her disorder and fear of messing everything up if we change anything or try for more.
Really eye opening that maybe it’s not me not doing enough but that I just that I need to wait while she slowly addresses her fears and mindset.
Thank you so much for this. I really see a lot of her mindset and actions more clearly through the lense of this info.
It was very interesting to see how the relationship with the counselor was also used as a learning opportunity for Liz to improve her other relationships.
Lovely video Dr. Grande, will be watching again:)
Thank God your sound quality got better.
Thanks for this video. It's amazing to me that Liz sought out therapy and managed to gain insight. My AvPD friend refuses to see a counselor because her Buddhist philosophy and gardening hobby has 'cured' her. Though she has isolated herself more than ever now. And she doesn't want to work. Luckily (?) , her family are happy to financially support her. Though I wonder if she would be compelled to seek help if she was forced into getting a job - or if it would just push her over the edge and do more damage.
Gardening that's a new one. Usually they think God is fixing it for them .You know "day by day" . That's what they usually say so when it all goes wrong they can fall back on "oh well there's good days and bad days" . I have had the misfortune of working with an ADHD that thinks chain smoking and shouting out random lines from songs is "managing it". And a bipolar that would go on and on about the devil and laugh at the top of her voice and think it's ok to grab coworkers assess. She claims musk melon ,prayer and smiling cured her. I hope your friend finds the courage to get help be for its to late. I wish it was easier for ppl like that to get help.
You're welcome 🙂
My AVP-driven anxiety is much "improved" when I don't work a regular job or force myself into uncomfortable situations, too. I am sure she does feel better. I am passionate about gardening, too. I moved out onto a farm deep in the country and it is my sanctuary. Of course, I ended up more isolated than ever, but I feel a sense of peace and comfort that I have never known. That makes sense to me. Most people think my life sounds terrifying. "You live alone in the country? Aren't you scared someone will murder you and no one will be able to help you?" Nothing is more terrifying to me than the life I left in the city. Not even the prospect of being murdered. You have to understand the level of terror we feel in high pressure situations, like work. Even if it's not an "important" job, it feels like life/death. I would rather get hit by a bus than make a mistake at work and cause trouble for my boss/co-workers. It's that level of phobia.
When I was working a normal job, I would have anxiety attacks every day, I was so terrified that I would make a mistake. I would have to hide from my co-workers so they wouldn't see me sobbing. I would go home and collapse on the floor shaking and sobbing and wanting to die. I was totally distraught at the thought of having to go back the next day and do it all over again. I was constantly fighting the desire to quit, which was no less terrifying. What am I supposed to do? How will I ever support myself? I can't have a relationship. I'll be alone forever because of this. I'm not made for this world. The things that normal people are expected to do, are too much for us. Drugs don't work. Therapy didn't work. I ended up just trying to get my therapists to like me and "getting better" so that they would feel good about themselves. They didn't treat me for APD. No one knew about it, and still very few mental health professionals recognize it or know how to treat it.
Your friend is coping in the way that any animal copes. Birds and chipmunks don't run towards the things they are afraid of or force themselves to stay in situations that are scary. That's a survival strategy. Your friend is surviving by her wits. Her anxiety goes away completely when she is not forcing herself into frightening situations and she can actually feel a pleasure in being alive. Of course she chooses that over the other options. Getting "better" means leaving her sanctuary. She needs support, not condescension or contempt for her choices. She needs compassion. She's not doing this on purpose to take advantage of her family financially. From an outside perspective it's easy to judge someone like that. But life didn't give us a lot of choices. Depending on where you live in the world, therapy isn't readily available, especially without good insurance. And the therapy that is available may not be the therapy you need. I am very much pro-therapy and pro-pharmaceuticals for those who need them. But it's not a silver bullet. Since there is very little research on AVP, it's hard enough to get a proper diagnosis, much less the right kind of therapy. I feel for your friend. I know what a crap deal it is to have AVP. We didn't do this to ourselves. We didn't ask for this. And it is often the result of trauma we didn't deserve. So it's a double blow to have childhood trauma end up causing dysfunction in adulthood. I couldn't wait to grow up and leave my abuser, leave all the pain and anguish behind. But here I am still suffering the affects. It's not my fault. It's not your friends fault.
@Griffox I feel you completely. Wish I could do the same thing and move out
I really resonate with this lady, I'm not as far along as her but getting there and now know it's possible. Thanks.
Cass Beard Hiya, may I ask what therapy your doing and if its helping? 🧡
This sounds like something I may have.. I'm almost 30 and have no friends... :( I honestly feel like I've never fully connected with anyone, not even my family. I'm in the process of getting assessed. Hopefully they can figure out what is wrong with me.. I can't live like this anymore. I wouldn't wish this feel of isolation and all that pain on anybody.
Your not alone Jeff is here for you
I am 29 and feel the same way...
@@oca5z2uwvpnm Aww, I'm sorry to hear you feel this way too. :( If you wanna talk, I'm all ears!
Jeff is always here
I'm 28. I pretty much got over it. I no longer care.
Also, modalities themselves are so interesting! There are SO MANY, and it always amazes me that at one time, before dealing with my own mental health issues, I thought there was just medication and/or medication. Hypnotherapy has helped me so much! Since I always had a yoga and meditation routine, it fit well and came naturally to me. I'd love for it to be more common knowledge that just because a certain modality isn't for you, doesn'tmean it ends there. It's just the beginning! Like physical exercise and training, you'll find something that suits if you jut keep trying :)
Apart from the specific anecdotal experiences in this case study, i can absolutely relate to this person's internal struggles and her way of thinking, acting, and her feelings in any given situations she was in. This condition is so weird in the sense that you can appear to be a functional adult and yet feel like a mess when it comes to standard social behaviors. And that condition being an internal struggle means you also can't physically distance yourself from the problematic situation / person, which would be an emotionaly healthy thing to do. This further accentuate the self critical aspect of it all, which ultimately feed the self blame loop and by incidence forces you to create more distance with other people.
As for me, I've never seen a therapist to confirm the diagnostic but i mean... I happen to manifest all of the seven traits of the condition. So..
At least, knowing what i'm dealing with will give me some kind of lever to adress it from now on.
never went to a therapy but these videos are super helpful!! thank you for sharing such a deep topic! I have around 200saved videos on topics such as narcisstic behaviors, topics on pshichopaths and sociopaths as well as bipolar PD and some AVpD. Extremely helpful all of them. I have started to understand myself and the people i grew up with way much more than ever before. Also I have stopped thinking that having no goals, no money, no jobs, no properly functioning r.
relationship, no friends, no interest in groups of people and social events is normal. I think it might be not normal to live entirely in my own world despite of this being my comfort zone. Nobody can hurt me if am invisible. :) its a magic trick where i used to think is so cool, i really disappear from everyone so i avoid fights, abuse, bully criticism even good ones (as i feel very weird sort of upset when someone is complementing on anything about me)
Liz feels guilty for existing... that makes two of us.
When you started reading the case study I started crying.
I've been enjoying your recent videos. Attachment Theory has been suggested to me & the more I read about the modality, the more confused I became. I was glad to find you had older videos on this topic. You've helped clear up questions I had. TY for taking the time to share your knowledge!!
I have watched dozens of your videos .
This is the very first one that amazed me.
All your other videos never once hit home as this one.
All my life, I’ve been avoidant. Bills, relationships, etc.etc.
You put Liz’s predicament into such succinct, strangely relatable manner that I was transfixed by this video.
Much of her upcoming is so closely related to mine (though a drunken, uncaring father).
At 62 years , I still falter with relationships and day to day living because of the things I went through in my formative years.
Wish I could have 35 sessions with you!
I tried. But, I never met a person who didn't hurt me. I learned that people are driven by their own desires, wants and needs first. Once I realized that truth, I started learning to not depend on them, not to interact with them, and to enjoy being alone. Avoidant or not, I never want to go back to trusting people again. I've never quite "fit", and the pain that causes is more than I'm willing to deal with any longer.
Me too. I'm an only child brought up alone with my single mother who has always been an alcoholic. And epileptic. I never felt close to my family because my mum isolated herself when I was young. I don't consider myself to be a human being or a woman. I've always been self sufficient and introverted and never saw the need for romantic relationships. I suspect I might also be asexual which I'm more comfortable expressing in the last couple years. But I still feel tortured that I'm not normal.
Fascinating to hear about cases as opposed to theory. Of course, having AvPD myself, I relate deeply to "Liz"...and I have a few other PDs, so there's obviously differences. But so much of it resonates that it touched me. Apart from that, it makes me feel very proud of both Liz and myself and that we sought out help and chose to heal ourselves. It's very hard to get past reenacting and reexperiencing trauma, and... well, old habits, you know. Powerful stuff. Thanks, Dr. Grande :) Always a learning experience!
You are quite welcome 🙂
My favourite post of your Dr Grande! Thank you for such insightful video & case study. This is of great help with a client of mine with whom l experience counter-transference due to ASD… slow and lengthy process with very limited responses from my client yet always on time and never missed a session in 6 months. Many thanks :-)
It really is so strange and also such a relief that I have found this video and what APD is. I have always 'had a problem' with people and always been painfully shy and sometimes been so desperate to avoid social situations. I had CBT sessions, but it really did nothing to help at all, and now I can see that this a personality issue rather than a social anxiety issue x I completely fit into all but one of the criteria x Thank you for this video, and to everyone for supporting each other with kind comments x
I have had something like this for as long as I can remember. It goes back the 4th grade when my friends wanted me to sit with them but I was afraid I didn’t amount up and got absolutely terrified going to sit with them at the 4 person group table. My best friend was mentally challenged. Literally. It is embedded in my genetics..
My friend the fact that you already know that there is an issue, is half the battle! Work hard enjoy your life, you are who YOU choose to be, sorry for anything you may have gone through, I believe in you! Let’s just say I can familiarise with you and I escaped and live a happy life, something I never thought was destined for me, boy was I wrong, raised in hell but I now live in heaven x
These stories make one rethink Mother's Day.
This is my new favorite video of Dr. Grande's >> I see some aspects of myself but more so my ex- he never knew his father & he was neglected by a Narcissistic mother.
I think you can improve just by getting a good diagnosis & learning you're not crazy.
That your feelings of inadequacy and inability to make decisions come from the way you were raised.
Liz.... I envy her getting help. She did the right things, but forgiving her mother blows my mind
I think forgiveness should be possible, but we should never forget.
Forgiveness in general is a powerful intervention to free one towards recovery. No one of us is perfect; neither will we be perfect parents ourselves. To forgive, honour and respect our parents, holds a special promise of blessing.
Forgiveness does not have to lead to anything else.
Comment 214: 22,416 views.
How interesting to see these seven criteria explained. Parental abandonment, criticism, invalidation of feelings makes one feel we are not worth anything, so we reject ourselves.
I’m glad the 31 percent remission rate can be improved by good counsellee relationships.
Super Great Dr. Grande 😄😄😄😄
I enjoy these so much. The study of “Liz” carries so many lessons especially in how the therapeutic alliance aided the construction of her healthy narrative. Thank you for covering this topic, Dr. Grande 🙏 Looking forward to your next upload 🎥
You are quite welcome 🙂
Thank you Dr. Grande this was an interesting case . I enjoy these case studies it makes it so much easier to understand these disorders , when you give us these examples.
You're welcome 🙂
When I was a kid I always felt inadequate. Same when I was a teenager and an adult until I was about 35. That’s when I finally realized that I’m much better than everyone I allowed to make me feel inadequate. Now I avoid people because I know they all suck.
Yeah same here. In my case I think I withdrew since I was a child. If I couldn't fit into society, I will reject it. I've been described as quite closed off but confident and warm once you get to know me. I would never describe myself as confident. I've dealt with a lot of ridicule from my mum who is a recovering alcoholic and to this day at almost 30 I don't consider myself to be a real person or a woman.
Thank you for doing this. You have helped so many people.
That's an incredibly sad disorder! And from what I've just learned from you- it's created from very sad circumstances in childhood. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with us!
Yeah, I had a narcissistic mother, made my life miserable...
Interesting sounds a bit like my story but I had a narscist physcopath father who raised us and my mother left when I was 11. I'm very avoidance but has happened later in life. Always been a bit but more sereve now after a couple of narcsistic friends were in my life.. I'm finally free of them but am left very avoidance of life now to protect myself.
I'm similar, my father is a covert narc my mother is dependant. Both are still together, married but were never emotionally or physically invested in me. They were with other people so of course I grew up thinking I was never good enough. I've been told I'm dependent but I really don't need anyone well that's how I've survived my life bringing myself up. People find me some kind of mystery that I can just 100 % 24/7 always be on my own. They seem to idolize me for it in actual fact I see people make connections everyday and it makes me feel like I'm not worth each breath I take. People always discard me even after their love confession in any sense of the word, friend, romance coworker etc I'm always just up and thrown aside whilst being told I'm the one who can be on my own then get shamed when I just go oh OK I'll be on my own then and do it. It's like they expect me to fight for them when in actual fact I've went above and beyond my natural instincts to try connect so I guess as an adult it's gotten to a point now Im probably more avoidant than ever before. Most of my issues is the amount of high narcissistic people in my life that surround me. I'm trying to learn more about myself so I can become a well rounded adult but boy is it hard.
I had the same narc father figure in life.. dont have him in my life anymore but it really stuck.
Docter you are great after so many years finally I got to know my mental problem I was suffering from extreme avoidant disorder
I love these types of videos. Helps to understand people and maybe see signs in other people of these things, and be better friends with these people co-workers and such. Working with the public gets very useful and how are you talk to people thank you again
I also noticing that too many people do discuss avoiding personalities
Thank you 🙂
Thank u for your amazing and informative videos Dr Grande. You have no idea how much you are helping us. You are always so thorough. May God bless you
Parents can really make or break a child. I was raised by responsible parents. They are not perfect, but from how I turned out, I think they did a good job. However, some of the things my mother said, still affect me to today. I can see how damaging some people can be when they had broken parents. Looking back, I now realized there were a little bit of avoidance disorder in my parents. They loved each other but really avoided all other social relationships or friendships all their lives. We lived a life of recluse. No family gatherings, no visiting relatives nor weekend bbq . Also, my mother worshiped my father and I feel if I was born a male, she would have worshiped me too, but I was not. Even though I am the only child but I am also the bottom of the family hierarchy. My father was her sole focus but she was not my father’s sole focus. He had many artistic and personal pursuits that do not include us. At times, I would be her whipping girl when She felt neglected. Nothing physical, just verbal attacks. When i tried to comfort her when my father went on long trips and she cried, like “ it’s ok, he is pursuing his career and doing what he loves”, she would turned on me and said “i have feelings, unlike you, so cold blooded.” I was only 13 years old. It was so unfair because my father wanted me to strong and don’t cry but she accuse me of unfeeling. All my lives, she would repeat the story how I almost kill her at child birth. How difficult the labor was and etc. like somehow it was my fault. I took it as it is and didn’t think much of it. She also stated proudly how she dropped me off at Daycare at just 30 Days old because she was a career woman. These were stories that were told hundreds of times in my life and I was indifferent to it. I felt nothing about it Until I gave birth to my son at thirty years old. All the sudden I had realized something was wrong with her and her constant recount of my birth being so negative was not natural. I felt non of the negative feelings about the birth of my son and just felt happy and eager. So the next time she told the story of my birth, I told her it was not my problem. She kind of dropped that topic from then on. I left my career to be a full time mom after my son was born. My husband is very different man than my father. He is a very devoted husband and father and doesn’t have personal goals that do not include me and the kids. I guess, in many ways i rebelled against my mother and turn out to be great.
Fk yes thank you for sharing this.. Its just me & my older sis I'm 36 she 45 she's married 2 kids. Im single nvr married no kids yet and all of us living with my parents. Mom worships dad. Dad does whatever the fk he want etc he always falls back on I'd leave this marriage if it wasn't for my youngest daughter not financially set and healthy.. I'm currently addicted to hard drugs use daily .. sis was alcoholic & hard drugs user.. luckily she's been sober for the past 2yrs but she always has mental breakdowns or quit or got let go from all her passed jobs. We both got certified in something that cost over 10k didn't pay..lost the license eventually. Us both had been in anywhere from mild toxic relationships to severe trauma physically assaulted.. spied on.. held against our will from the men we were dating. Anyways my parents on many separate occasions said things that were so fkd up.. they justify their actions with we've never & will nvr use drugs or drink or hit us. Lies my dad threw me by the neck wen I was a lil kid,slapped a lot, punched (dad punched me in the chest while driving) mom shoved a bar of soap in my mouth tried to get me to close my mouth w/the soap in it stil. Dropped out of comm college. Dad pushed me to do army 09' to 17' . I said I wanted togo for air force he said no the score to get in is too high. Army haz the lowest standards to get in ..u c he brainwashed me to believe that Im only smart enough to get the lowest level of work.. its so sad
My crippling fear of abandonment and deep fear of missing out helped my AvPD get extremely better for reasons I won't get into right now. I didn't even know it was a thing, I thought I had extreme anxiety and was just overall too inhibited and incapable of taking control. Now there's just remnants left, it's kinda relieving and surprising to realize.
Wow I’m facing all of these at the current moment. Thank you for help me understand this. Most of these disorders aren’t even ours they are just projection from our care givers that we seen work for them lol. It’s time to go. Time up! I did therapy for 7 years and now practice shaman rituals and sound healings and in the last two years I’ve been able to heal myself still seeing the therapist and much meditation
Not to be pushy, would it be possible for you to do one of these for schizotypal/schizoid PD?
There is very little about schizoid PD, that I could find...
Yes! I could barely find anything and im diagnosed with Spd
Schizoid is not very common.
Actually, Dr. Grande has videos on both Schizoid and Schizotypal.
The role DNA plays in this should start to be addressed. I received my DNA results back and it clearly showed a fear of public speaking.. I've had SAD all my life and am starting to think I have AVPD too, however at some point we need to learn to accept we are who we are and we can't always point the finger to our childhoods especially when other siblings are fine. I was the kid who hid behind the mom when visiting the cousins. Unfortunately it's just the way it is. The world needs all sorts of people. I'd prefer to do research in library...because its also what I love.
Thank you so much for the information. It's a relief to have a way to learn without some of the villianization that comes with some of the content available out there. I was taught to always use my own critical thinking skills to decide what I believe, and unfortunately, alot of media currently available is seemly trying to make those discernments for me. (Perhaps lacking faith in my abilities to make informed judgements of my own). It is this quality in your presentations (along with the dry humor) that keeps me returning. I have so much more to learn, and I want to say thank you for offering material that let's me do so without all the the effort at persuation. You rock, Dr. Grande. You make RUclips a better community
Thank you, Dr. Grande, for adding another puzzle piece of my past; Reflection, and Mentalization. It's nice to know there are categories, and terms for the process of recovery. I only hope there can be more interventions in those teen years for the people that are suffering from AvPD and its co-morbid afflictions. Think of how different Liz's life would have been like if a professional was able to intervene? I fully understand the daunting task of surviving ambivalent Love Addiction, through No Contact, while building an earned attachment style-without any professional help. Decades.