Thank you for validating my response to therapists over many years! The longer I concentrated on my body the more anxious and dissociated I became, often collapsing. My answers to the question were “fine or I don’t feel anything.”
I just love your kind and compassionate manner, Dr. Aimie. In my opinion, your qualities of character in practice are an example of true competence and an excellent qualification to do this work. I found your story fascinating and refreshing. Your mindfulness and carefulness with the man was reassuring. I must say, the “How are you?”-“Good, how are you?” in today’s world has become a trauma trigger for me. I don’t think the average person today is even paying attention when they ask or respond. It’s become such a mindless, robotic sort of social ritual, it feels like the proverbial fingernails on the blackboard to me: irritating and aggravating. I’ve learned to take it as an opportunity to wake us up with an answer like “98.6” or “Can I get back to you on that?” or “Have you got an hour?” or “Do you really want to know?” or “Who wants to know?” It doesn’t usually go over very well, though. People don’t seem to want to wake up, and I don’t want to go back to sleep. Sigh.
This description of what your patient was feeling and his responses was so helpful and insightful, as well as the manner in which you elicited these responses.
I completely relate to not being comfortable with being relaxed.. I enjoy exploring parts of my body that are relaxed so that I have a safety anchor I guess - it is a huge achievement for me to achieve a relaxed and clear overall state and when it does I really want to hold on to it, but at the same time, getting there is really uncomfortable, so much sympathetic activation fights me the whole way, saying, no it's not safe to let go of this energy! I see an SE therapist, and I recognize my immediate response to her asking how I feel is one of armoring myself (tense muscles, making myself small inside), wanting to tell her I am "fine". It has gotten easier with time and understanding for me to be more honest, and it helps that she asks me "how" I feel fine, where do I know that in my body etc. Thanks for another great vid!
This talk was an FYI link in day 19 of your 21 Day Journey I'm currently taking for the second time. I am continually astounded and profoundly grateful how each new revelation of "what has actually been going on inside you" opens space for more self understanding thus self respect and compassion. How ironically the simplest question most frequently asked question worldwide of ... "how are you ?" ... over the years cemented you more deeply into shame. That each time answering with something that didn't "feel" true (whether consciously or unconsciously) your body registered it as "not true" leaving it feeling not heard and disrespected. Layer by layer reinforcing what you were feeling which was confused, embarrassed, a liar, ashamed. Thus stupid, how could I not know how I feel? And thus I'm not real, my life is a pretense and imposter syndrome become the default. When all along you for good reason you were only confused and really, for scientific biologically proven reasons, didn't know!!!
Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it. How did you approach answering in a way that is not dishonest? I'm also doing Dr Aimie's 21-day journey right now and even though I have made great strides in understanding the whys, in titration and feeling that yes, there's more to me than this discomfort or pain and in integrating so much self compassion (which I also find fascinating and life-changing😍), I still feel exactly as you described when people ask and I give a false answer. It's been going on for the last year and I have started avoiding the question whenever possible, but even then it still feels triggering at times... probably one or more of my parts simply knows that I'm not answering because I feel ashamed/non-accepting of how I actually feel.
Was talking with my sister (no trauma for her) about her husband who is an antisocial introvert like me. She was talking about a Christmas party that was hard for him, and was asking me kind of what it feels like when you do not want to be around people. I said its painful. Everything in your mind tells you not to do it, its an abhorrence feeling. She brought up another time when he was at a major league baseball game they had travelled for, and how after the game she just wanted to stay and sit and absorb the surroundings but as soon as the game was over, he wanted to leave. I said, well for me, I would be worried about being in a new city, getting safely to the hotel, avoiding crowds, not getting lost, safety back in the room, making sure everyone and everything is ok and safe. She said no, thats not him. But, I say all of this because reflecting on that conversation, and listening to your video, I absolutely have PTSD. I am always in an extreme state of hyper vigilance. Thank you for talking about this. The physical repurcussions of my anxiety are almost out of control at this point. I vomit now during times of panic and stress and basically physically fall apart. It is like my body is giving up. Maybe acknowledging where these feelings come from and why, I will find new ways to better control them. I continue to push through these times (most recently a move across country where I spent the entire time miserably sick from stress) outwardly emotionally I am fine, but I just get sick! It is ridiculous. I feel like I have pushed myself mentally so much that my body is putting a stop to it on its own by making me physically incapable of action. I am almost always uncomfortable. Scared of meds but have often almost given in to seeking them, I just feel like meds are a mirage in the desert. I keep thinking I will get mentally stronger and I work towards this but to be honest, it is all guessing. I enjoy your videos, thank you.
Hi Rochelle, yes - your body has fought to survive for so long, it is now showing up in physical symptoms. You are mentally strong. Usually what people mean by "mentally strong" is their ability to go into self-criticism to shame themselves into action, and trying to ignore or over-ride the fear and baseline anxiety with logic. Mentally strong usually refers to getting stuck in your head you are disconnected from your body. You already know this - you're body is trying to tell you something - this is too much! - and this is it's way of getting you to finally listen.
I have undergone much trauma as a child and we have adopted two sons with varying degrees of trauma. One is extreme. We have all been sick for a long time. I was trying to take an evaluation on how everyone was doing this evening and he gave his pat answer of good and promptly went to use the restroom in two directions. This gives so much clarity on what is going on and what we can do to help him. We are just not sure what the next steps are for him. I don't know when therapy is the next step and when staying at home and doing home therapy is best.
Kari - his answer of "good" is not really how he is doing if his whole digestive tract goes into alarm mode! If it is an option to meet with a therapist regularly that would be great, however, the relationship with Mom will always be the primary healing agent in a child's life with trauma and attachment disorder. Is he triggering your trauma issues with his reactions? That makes it super tough, Kari. Big Hug~
Oh Kari, this is very common. You have a hard road ahead, though not impossible! Your own healing and feeling of security in your home has to come first. This is not selfish, this is how you best serve and stabilize your whole family. These videos may be helpful to you... Big Hug. ruclips.net/video/858Cq-KCK-I/видео.html ruclips.net/video/BdU923hNKB4/видео.html ruclips.net/video/2j_hpV_SHFY/видео.html
Thank you for validating my response to therapists over many years! The longer I concentrated on my body the more anxious and dissociated I became, often collapsing. My answers to the question were “fine or I don’t feel anything.”
I just love your kind and compassionate manner, Dr. Aimie. In my opinion, your qualities of character in practice are an example of true competence and an excellent qualification to do this work.
I found your story fascinating and refreshing. Your mindfulness and carefulness with the man was reassuring. I must say, the “How are you?”-“Good, how are you?” in today’s world has become a trauma trigger for me. I don’t think the average person today is even paying attention when they ask or respond. It’s become such a mindless, robotic sort of social ritual, it feels like the proverbial fingernails on the blackboard to me: irritating and aggravating. I’ve learned to take it as an opportunity to wake us up with an answer like “98.6” or “Can I get back to you on that?” or “Have you got an hour?” or “Do you really want to know?” or “Who wants to know?” It doesn’t usually go over very well, though.
People don’t seem to want to wake up, and I don’t want to go back to sleep. Sigh.
Thank you for sharing your gift. I wish i lived close enough to have therapy with you. Your videos help a lot..
This description of what your patient was feeling and his responses was so helpful and insightful, as well as the manner in which you elicited these responses.
I completely relate to not being comfortable with being relaxed.. I enjoy exploring parts of my body that are relaxed so that I have a safety anchor I guess - it is a huge achievement for me to achieve a relaxed and clear overall state and when it does I really want to hold on to it, but at the same time, getting there is really uncomfortable, so much sympathetic activation fights me the whole way, saying, no it's not safe to let go of this energy!
I see an SE therapist, and I recognize my immediate response to her asking how I feel is one of armoring myself (tense muscles, making myself small inside), wanting to tell her I am "fine". It has gotten easier with time and understanding for me to be more honest, and it helps that she asks me "how" I feel fine, where do I know that in my body etc.
Thanks for another great vid!
This was amazing information for both checking in with myself and my clients to navigate more accurate feeling and a felt sense state. Thank you 🙏
This talk was an FYI link in day 19 of your 21 Day Journey I'm currently taking for the second time. I am continually astounded and profoundly grateful how each new revelation of "what has actually been going on inside you" opens space for more self understanding thus self respect and compassion.
How ironically the simplest question most frequently asked question worldwide of ... "how are you ?" ... over the years cemented you more deeply into shame. That each time answering with something that didn't "feel" true (whether consciously or unconsciously) your body registered it as "not true" leaving it feeling not heard and disrespected.
Layer by layer reinforcing what you were feeling which was confused, embarrassed, a liar, ashamed. Thus stupid, how could I not know how I feel? And thus I'm not real, my life is a pretense and imposter syndrome become the default.
When all along you for good reason you were only confused and really, for scientific biologically proven reasons, didn't know!!!
Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it.
How did you approach answering in a way that is not dishonest?
I'm also doing Dr Aimie's 21-day journey right now and even though I have made great strides in understanding the whys, in titration and feeling that yes, there's more to me than this discomfort or pain and in integrating so much self compassion (which I also find fascinating and life-changing😍), I still feel exactly as you described when people ask and I give a false answer.
It's been going on for the last year and I have started avoiding the question whenever possible, but even then it still feels triggering at times... probably one or more of my parts simply knows that I'm not answering because I feel ashamed/non-accepting of how I actually feel.
This is so useful and well-expressed. Thank you.
Was talking with my sister (no trauma for her) about her husband who is an antisocial introvert like me. She was talking about a Christmas party that was hard for him, and was asking me kind of what it feels like when you do not want to be around people. I said its painful. Everything in your mind tells you not to do it, its an abhorrence feeling. She brought up another time when he was at a major league baseball game they had travelled for, and how after the game she just wanted to stay and sit and absorb the surroundings but as soon as the game was over, he wanted to leave. I said, well for me, I would be worried about being in a new city, getting safely to the hotel, avoiding crowds, not getting lost, safety back in the room, making sure everyone and everything is ok and safe. She said no, thats not him. But, I say all of this because reflecting on that conversation, and listening to your video, I absolutely have PTSD. I am always in an extreme state of hyper vigilance. Thank you for talking about this. The physical repurcussions of my anxiety are almost out of control at this point. I vomit now during times of panic and stress and basically physically fall apart. It is like my body is giving up. Maybe acknowledging where these feelings come from and why, I will find new ways to better control them. I continue to push through these times (most recently a move across country where I spent the entire time miserably sick from stress) outwardly emotionally I am fine, but I just get sick! It is ridiculous. I feel like I have pushed myself mentally so much that my body is putting a stop to it on its own by making me physically incapable of action. I am almost always uncomfortable. Scared of meds but have often almost given in to seeking them, I just feel like meds are a mirage in the desert. I keep thinking I will get mentally stronger and I work towards this but to be honest, it is all guessing.
I enjoy your videos, thank you.
Hi Rochelle, yes - your body has fought to survive for so long, it is now showing up in physical symptoms. You are mentally strong. Usually what people mean by "mentally strong" is their ability to go into self-criticism to shame themselves into action, and trying to ignore or over-ride the fear and baseline anxiety with logic. Mentally strong usually refers to getting stuck in your head you are disconnected from your body. You already know this - you're body is trying to tell you something - this is too much! - and this is it's way of getting you to finally listen.
Very insightful and useful. Really good to start to get a handle on the way you work.
I have undergone much trauma as a child and we have adopted two sons with varying degrees of trauma. One is extreme. We have all been sick for a long time. I was trying to take an evaluation on how everyone was doing this evening and he gave his pat answer of good and promptly went to use the restroom in two directions. This gives so much clarity on what is going on and what we can do to help him. We are just not sure what the next steps are for him. I don't know when therapy is the next step and when staying at home and doing home therapy is best.
Kari - his answer of "good" is not really how he is doing if his whole digestive tract goes into alarm mode!
If it is an option to meet with a therapist regularly that would be great, however, the relationship with Mom will always be the primary healing agent in a child's life with trauma and attachment disorder. Is he triggering your trauma issues with his reactions? That makes it super tough, Kari. Big Hug~
Dr. Aimie Apigian yes he does trigger my own and it almost seems to cause some new trauma.
Oh Kari, this is very common. You have a hard road ahead, though not impossible! Your own healing and feeling of security in your home has to come first. This is not selfish, this is how you best serve and stabilize your whole family. These videos may be helpful to you... Big Hug.
ruclips.net/video/858Cq-KCK-I/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/BdU923hNKB4/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/2j_hpV_SHFY/видео.html
Great insights both on the level of my personal PTSD experience and supporting a trauma-impacted client. Thanks, Dr. Aimie.
👍