When watching a movie my 4 year old boy will have a meltdown if someone else starts watching the movie with him. He’ll start saying angrily “Don’t watch my movie! This is MY movie! It’s not for grown ups!”
I would pause the movie and discuss rules and healthy communication. For instance, you might say, "Movies are for everyone to enjoy. We can either all enjoy it together or turn it off." Then I'd zoom out to see if movies are in his best interest overall. Perhaps he may respond better to shorter shows or apps (vs movies). This can take trial and error and perhaps simple coaching in the moment will do the trick. Thanks for your q!
How does it work if I am able to practice this, but my partner isnt? What if he is not able to follow these steps and consistently threatens, punishes or yells back at our child? Its not easy for him as he is not as aware of these parenting skills, and falls back to old ways, no matter how much I "educate" him.
Great q! I strongly recommend learning this stuff together (Vs trying to educate him). Taking 1-2 hours a week to listen to a podcast, take a course, etc can be such a huge investment in your marriage and parenting. So I would see if he's open to doing the work with you (like watching this video and discussing it together). I also have a video on my youtube channel that shares more tips on how to get on the same page with your partner when it comes to parenting. Hope that helps as well!
I am being cheeky here... but many of the practices shared in the video sounds like it would also be applicable with partners. Effective communication is key, and timing is very important. It begins with having open and honest conversations and creating a space where both can share perspectives without judgement. When neither is emotionally charged, we are much more likely open to hearing the other person's perspective... especially when we also feel we are being heard... it takes time, practice and patience.. and making mistakes, but we get a little closer everyday... good luck! It's not uncommon to feel this way ❤
I’ve been doing this for a loooong time and my son is getting so much better at almost five! And my two year old is much better because we all model it so often. We over do please and thank you. It’s so nice to hear from your kids - even if the two year old screams MILK PLEASE! Much better than MILK NOW!!! Hahaha.
OMG yes!! Lol, it's so much better when they can use their manners for sure. It takes lots of modeling, practice and patience but they will get it with time. Great job mama!
I would ignore his statement and focus more on helping him communicate his feelings. Give him the words he needs in the moment and pause so that he can practice it. Then use lots of praise when he practicing communicating his feelings, needs, wants, etc with clear communication. He's basically saying those things because he's feeling disappointed, rejected, hurt, frustrated, confused, etc. so help him understand that and how to communicate and you'll be gold ! Hope this helps!
Growing up my father had such a kind heart but was very quick to get frustrated and angry. His patience and tolerance level trickled down to me. Now that I have 4 kids (all under 9) I am noticing my father's temperament in me. Just this year when I noticed it, I was mortified bc I want to break that cycle but I've already noticed it in my 8 year old. Immediately I began to change my tone, then explain to my children that mommy has not always responded well to frustration and I'm sorry for that. And together we can communicate our feelings without being disrespectful and getting worked up. I also noticed the reason I was getting so frustrated with them was bc I did not properly plan for that time with them. Most of the issues we have are during homework when I was also trying to get things done. I love your videos! It confirms that I am on the right path!
I try to do this and I feel like it works sometimes and not others. My daughter who is three does one of three things… She either has a good response and is able to communicate with me, tell me to “stop! don’t do that!” (now I know that I need to let her calm down before we try to talk about in this specific situation), or she’ll start being silly and not respond to me or says she feels happy when she clearly wasn’t. An example is when her little brother takes a toy from her and she either screams at him or hits him. I’ll talk to her about it… In then the process, I’ll ask her about how it made her feel when her brother took that toy from her and she’ll say “happy”. What I have been doing is saying something like “it looked to me like you were angry (or whatever feeling) when he took your toy” but she’ll respond with “no. I was happy.” I see that she is uncomfortable and that’s probably why she acts silly or says she’s happy, but I’m not really sure how to handle that so that I can help her identify her feelings and needs.
Great example. I would focus on identifying the feeling for her (this is frustrating, etc) but really in the scenario you gave, I’d actually focus more on brother and coaching him to return the toy. It seems like there’s too much focus on her when he’s the one who initiated the issue , lol. Not sure ages but even if he’s baby/toddler, you can talk through and help him return the toy and praise her for letting you know she needed help and used her words (if she did). It sounds like she feels unsure and/or under pressure when you ask about her feelings so I’d focus more on identifying them for her and she will correct you jf needed. Hope this helps!!
What about rudeness when leaving a friends house or a friend leaving our house? My almost 4 year old daughter refuses to say bye or thank you when she leaves someone else’s house. Her friend said “bye and thank you for having me” when she left our house, but my daughter just turned her head angrily. Thoughts?
Maybe she is upset at having things come to an end? I used to be VERY sad when friends would leave. Anger is sometimes a blanket emotion, which means there could be something underneath it (ie, sadness). The behavior is an indication of something underneath usually. ❤
Such a great question! I would practice saying good bye at home when she's calm and then in the moment, I'd actually spend more focus modeling (and not forcing her to say goodbye). And to the other mom's point - it probably stems from her underlying feelings of discomfort of separation and transitions. So I would try to interpret her rudeness as this - "I know it's hard to say goodbye her friends." and discuss manners and social etiquette in private (not in front of her friends). Hope this helps!
Hey! I really appreciate this video. I'm hoping it helps me regulate my child's behaviour a little better. My situation, though, is that my son, who is 2 and a half, often asks one of his cousins to leave a room. It's not my sons house, so I don't find this acceptable, and neither would I feel comfortable asking this person to leave the room. How can I talk about this to my son ?
My kid will scream at us to “Stop” all the time. For example, he will start play fighting with his sister in which we tell him in a calm voice “please stop doing that, keep your hands to yourself” and he will automatically come back yelling at us to STOP talking. It happens all the time. Another example is if we tell him to clean up his toys - we automatically get a STOP in the loudest voice. How do we get him to stop screaming Stop at us.
How about when an 8 year old who constantly questions and responds back with some unkind words. I’m thinking this is a similar approach, but with a different language?!
Thanks for the share. I love the point about helping the child return to baseline before addressing the issues. It's so true that effective communication is key - and sometimes what makes it really effective is timing. When emotions are high for both parent and child it is hard to see the other's perspective, but when we have had time to calm down and diffuse our emotions, that is when we are more receptive to reflecting and seeing another's point of view. Sometimes you can't rush these moments, they take the time they need but in the long run, they pay off.
Don’t forget to check out my free anger eBook - "Your 3-Step Plan When Your Child Gets Angry or Aggressive” www.themompsychologist.com/ebook
When watching a movie my 4 year old boy will have a meltdown if someone else starts watching the movie with him. He’ll start saying angrily “Don’t watch my movie! This is MY movie! It’s not for grown ups!”
I would pause the movie and discuss rules and healthy communication. For instance, you might say, "Movies are for everyone to enjoy. We can either all enjoy it together or turn it off." Then I'd zoom out to see if movies are in his best interest overall. Perhaps he may respond better to shorter shows or apps (vs movies). This can take trial and error and perhaps simple coaching in the moment will do the trick. Thanks for your q!
How does it work if I am able to practice this, but my partner isnt? What if he is not able to follow these steps and consistently threatens, punishes or yells back at our child? Its not easy for him as he is not as aware of these parenting skills, and falls back to old ways, no matter how much I "educate" him.
This is a good question! I need an answer to this as well 🙏🏽
Great q! I strongly recommend learning this stuff together (Vs trying to educate him). Taking 1-2 hours a week to listen to a podcast, take a course, etc can be such a huge investment in your marriage and parenting. So I would see if he's open to doing the work with you (like watching this video and discussing it together). I also have a video on my youtube channel that shares more tips on how to get on the same page with your partner when it comes to parenting. Hope that helps as well!
I am being cheeky here... but many of the practices shared in the video sounds like it would also be applicable with partners. Effective communication is key, and timing is very important. It begins with having open and honest conversations and creating a space where both can share perspectives without judgement. When neither is emotionally charged, we are much more likely open to hearing the other person's perspective... especially when we also feel we are being heard... it takes time, practice and patience.. and making mistakes, but we get a little closer everyday... good luck! It's not uncommon to feel this way ❤
I’ve been doing this for a loooong time and my son is getting so much better at almost five! And my two year old is much better because we all model it so often. We over do please and thank you. It’s so nice to hear from your kids - even if the two year old screams MILK PLEASE! Much better than MILK NOW!!! Hahaha.
OMG yes!! Lol, it's so much better when they can use their manners for sure. It takes lots of modeling, practice and patience but they will get it with time. Great job mama!
If my 5yo son gets any sort of “no” answer his response is “bad mommy” or “bad sister”, etc. how to respond?? Help!
I would ignore his statement and focus more on helping him communicate his feelings. Give him the words he needs in the moment and pause so that he can practice it. Then use lots of praise when he practicing communicating his feelings, needs, wants, etc with clear communication. He's basically saying those things because he's feeling disappointed, rejected, hurt, frustrated, confused, etc. so help him understand that and how to communicate and you'll be gold ! Hope this helps!
Growing up my father had such a kind heart but was very quick to get frustrated and angry. His patience and tolerance level trickled down to me. Now that I have 4 kids (all under 9) I am noticing my father's temperament in me. Just this year when I noticed it, I was mortified bc I want to break that cycle but I've already noticed it in my 8 year old. Immediately I began to change my tone, then explain to my children that mommy has not always responded well to frustration and I'm sorry for that. And together we can communicate our feelings without being disrespectful and getting worked up. I also noticed the reason I was getting so frustrated with them was bc I did not properly plan for that time with them. Most of the issues we have are during homework when I was also trying to get things done.
I love your videos! It confirms that I am on the right path!
This comment is EVERYTHING!! Awareness is so key to breaking generational cycles of dysfunction and you're doing it! Rooting for you guys!
@@TheMomPsychologist Thank you!!!
I try to do this and I feel like it works sometimes and not others. My daughter who is three does one of three things… She either has a good response and is able to communicate with me, tell me to “stop! don’t do that!” (now I know that I need to let her calm down before we try to talk about in this specific situation), or she’ll start being silly and not respond to me or says she feels happy when she clearly wasn’t. An example is when her little brother takes a toy from her and she either screams at him or hits him. I’ll talk to her about it… In then the process, I’ll ask her about how it made her feel when her brother took that toy from her and she’ll say “happy”. What I have been doing is saying something like “it looked to me like you were angry (or whatever feeling) when he took your toy” but she’ll respond with “no. I was happy.” I see that she is uncomfortable and that’s probably why she acts silly or says she’s happy, but I’m not really sure how to handle that so that I can help her identify her feelings and needs.
Great example. I would focus on identifying the feeling for her (this is frustrating, etc) but really in the scenario you gave, I’d actually focus more on brother and coaching him to return the toy. It seems like there’s too much focus on her when he’s the one who initiated the issue , lol. Not sure ages but even if he’s baby/toddler, you can talk through and help him return the toy and praise her for letting you know she needed help and used her words (if she did). It sounds like she feels unsure and/or under pressure when you ask about her feelings so I’d focus more on identifying them for her and she will correct you jf needed. Hope this helps!!
What about rudeness when leaving a friends house or a friend leaving our house? My almost 4 year old daughter refuses to say bye or thank you when she leaves someone else’s house. Her friend said “bye and thank you for having me” when she left our house, but my daughter just turned her head angrily. Thoughts?
Maybe she is upset at having things come to an end? I used to be VERY sad when friends would leave. Anger is sometimes a blanket emotion, which means there could be something underneath it (ie, sadness). The behavior is an indication of something underneath usually. ❤
Love your response. Thanks for chiming in!
Such a great question! I would practice saying good bye at home when she's calm and then in the moment, I'd actually spend more focus modeling (and not forcing her to say goodbye). And to the other mom's point - it probably stems from her underlying feelings of discomfort of separation and transitions. So I would try to interpret her rudeness as this - "I know it's hard to say goodbye her friends." and discuss manners and social etiquette in private (not in front of her friends). Hope this helps!
@@TheMomPsychologist thank you so much, this is all so helpful!! I definitely think it's sadness at leaving, she's a party animal 🎉
Hey!
I really appreciate this video. I'm hoping it helps me regulate my child's behaviour a little better.
My situation, though, is that my son, who is 2 and a half, often asks one of his cousins to leave a room. It's not my sons house, so I don't find this acceptable, and neither would I feel comfortable asking this person to leave the room. How can I talk about this to my son ?
My kid will scream at us to “Stop” all the time. For example, he will start play fighting with his sister in which we tell him in a calm voice “please stop doing that, keep your hands to yourself” and he will automatically come back yelling at us to STOP talking. It happens all the time. Another example is if we tell him to clean up his toys - we automatically get a STOP in the loudest voice. How do we get him to stop screaming Stop at us.
this is a gr8 tip. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻All i want to do is help and guide my kid to be emotionally intelligent
Soo glad this was helpful!!
btw are you getting younger or what???!You look amazing ❤
Ahhh, thank you so much!! ❤
How do I learn this as an adult? I never learned this and have been getting in trouble with people telling me I am very rude
I loooove this!!! Thank you so much Dr Jasmine 🥰✨-Sharifah
Aww, you're welcome. So glad this video was helpful!
How about when an 8 year old who constantly questions and responds back with some unkind words. I’m thinking this is a similar approach, but with a different language?!
Thanks for the share. I love the point about helping the child return to baseline before addressing the issues. It's so true that effective communication is key - and sometimes what makes it really effective is timing. When emotions are high for both parent and child it is hard to see the other's perspective, but when we have had time to calm down and diffuse our emotions, that is when we are more receptive to reflecting and seeing another's point of view. Sometimes you can't rush these moments, they take the time they need but in the long run, they pay off.
How do I find your E-book to download?
You can find all my ebooks and courses on my website - www.themompsychologist.com 🌻
Thank you so much for all you do! Its helped a lot so far.