Expat Reaches Out For Help - Problems With His Fiancé's Family!
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- Опубликовано: 20 июн 2024
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I’ve over 20 years experience living and working overseas. A few basic rules prevent problems. Rule number 1: I don’t meet any relatives for the first 90 days. Rule number 2: I determine where we live. Never near the Filipina’s family. Rule number 3: I will never stay overnight at my Filipina’s home. I’m spoiled and like my comfort too much. Rule number 4: No family member may visit longer than one week.
Rule number 0: don’t hook up with a Pinay. Stay single and free. Don’t compromise. Ever.
Good guidelines..
So you're not at all embracing your partner's family and ethnicity. Your rules sound very selfish to me. I love my Asian partner and she loves me and she loves her family and village too. It's where she grew up and has her roots. I have my boundaries but appreciate how important family is to her and our young son is having a wonderful time growing up with all his friends in a very natural and communal lifestyle. I participate in festivals and family gatherings as I wish. Everyone around is very accepting of me. Sometimes family members have asked for a loan but they accept no if I don't want to do it, and every small loan I have given out has been repaid in full, because they are very proud people. I don't think there's a big difference between Asian countries but there are differences between individuals.
@@blahblah-qx4ukthey call you names behind ur back , your cheap Charlie 😂and puto, it’s how they roll
@@blahblah-qx4uk The problem is that the Family or extended parts put heavy pressure on the Filipina for MONEY... The toxicity gets dangerous and heavy... Terrible head games occur and its a bit too much for the western person...
Especially if he is isolated from any outside help or support..
The Filipina will typically go along with the demands and not looking after her western boyfriends best interests...
This happens way too much and is a big problem..
So the gentleman who put out his rules do make a lot of sense..
The Man has to take the initiative and take control of himself first...
Moral of the story is don't get them preggy......
An extremely easy and cheap solution, which most men who don't want kids do not follow. Get a vasectomy!
Absolutely 👍🏻. Take the child out of the equation and I’m already on a different Island 🏝️
I don’t want to spend 10 days each month away from my home for any reason; living under someone else’s roof for 10 days is a burden in the best of situations
Truth.
There is a BIG cultural difference here. Americans, especially, believe that when you marry, you have a new family. You don't forsake your relatives, but your new husband/wife are the MOST important part of your family (and kids, of course). Filipinos don't think this way. The husband always comes after other family members.
That's correct. Husbands, especially foreigners, are rarely seen as the "core part" of family. Blood is thicker than water.
this is interesting because some interview videos I saw they say the same where their filipino family comes 1st before husband and they are also religious. And then next question ask them about bible saying when married, husband and wife are to leave their family and start their own and they look like they are day dreaming and confused and end up changing answer but is that genuine? I think not! If their 1st answer is filipino family before you brought up the bible, then thats what the real answer is
@@peterhuang1431 Many people are "religious" but that doesn't mean that they know what the bible says. As a matter of fact, I've met a ton of people who where "religious" but they never even read the bible. They'll go to mass and if you ask them afterwards what the topic was, they have no clue other than "it was about God".
@@garyzies3486…..but in many cases the foreigner’s money becomes the core part of the family.
This is the lie they tell you because your relationship is transactional... they aren't really into you because I have lost count the number of times I seen a filipina go all in for a man they really loved.
Stop being delusional
he is a bill handler. accept it and move on. when a girl truly loves you, she would rather be secluded and maybe nasty with you. 1-2 day a month is alright. anything more then, she is not enjoying her time with you.
She got his seed and support, so she is trying to push it. As with most of them, her priority is her family. He should be firm, but fair, with what he wants. He is probably paying the bills. Whoever has the money, has the power.
I agree, once a month maybe 2 or 3 days max. It will be hard for her, given they have such tight family ties, however her own family (husband and kids), should be priority number 1
Run forest run 😅
DNA tests first. Then depending on the results….🏃🏻♂️➡️
Ask them how much they are willing to compromise for YOUR family - that would be zero. I'm going to be blunt. You have the money hence YOU call the shots. No matter what you sacrifice for them it will NEVER be enough. This is a power play to control everything. Trust me.
Damn straight-- you hit it perfectly
I don’t even go to family stuff anymore.
I’m not sitting around with a bunch of people talking and I’m supposed to act like I’m happy…. Pass
Girlfriends are like the lease. When the lease is up they go month to month.
Don’t make a baby… you love the child and she will use the child to control you…..pass.
Without the child… move to another Island. Or try Thailand for a few months.
It may sound hard line but at this point in life my acceptance for 💩 is non existent.
Sounds like a control thing. 😊
Staying single is the way to go! Maximum flexibility and freedom!
This should not be an issue at this age for his girl . We know how important family is, but it's also a good idea to put a bit of distance between her family and you so you can raise your own family in peace. The mother will try to run the relationship and the money to if you let them, so you need to put your foot down. In this day of social media and messenger, you can speak every day if you want to your family, so there's no excuse for her to be at her family's house so much.
Mark 10:7-9
Mark 10:7-9 KJV For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder
10 days spent around the family each month is a sign of immaturity. As an adult, both partners should respect each others privacy and independence. I for one will be living near my filipina's family but I made it clear that my privacy is one of the privileges I have earned after years of working. I share in her culture and try to learn her language but her family members all speak English and they have all been very kind to me. So I actually enjoy short visits each month.
Whoa, 2 or 3 days at most, if she is unwilling to compromise it will not end well. She has lose sight that he is 8,000 miles from his home, no family, friends to support him. He has a broking point, she will find that out unless a compromise is worked out. The first thing I would do is to put all plans of marriage on hold until a heart to heart is had. Give her a timeline as to when a compromise has to be reached and stick to it. She wants him to accept her culture, what about his culture. She wants his provision her and their son, what about her responsibilities to him as the provider of his house.
I've said many times, when a Filipina is with a foreigner, it is no longer HER culture, it is BOTH of their cultures and BOTH need to adapt and change to each others. If you want to be in a MULTI cultural relationship, you have to accept the other persons culture as well.
8 days is all he gets, she has 2 other old farangs she needs to service . Poor girl😂
I had Lasik almost 20 years ago. It took a year for my eyesight to settle down, but eventually it did, but it was worth it! Stay strong!
From my experience, Filipinos always chat amongst each other without any regard to whether the American can understand them or not.
I agree, it is frustrating but I am learning to adapt.
Who cares what they are saying?
Thats more fun if we knew what they said it be no good😮😮
Chismosas
I speak Chinese just to annoy Filipinos lol
Oh no let her stay forever.
Go fishing and don’t come back!
Easy - whoever is paying the bills make the final decision - Let me guess: is the guy paying bills?
You guessed it 😁
In the Philippines, they have romanticized the term family-oriented to the point where it is an obsession and an addiction, making it difficult to be an individual and have a individual existence outside of their family. In my opinion, needing to spend 7 to 10 days per month with your family is excessive. And even a good thing done in excess can be toxic.
Mark 10:7-9
Mark 10:7-9 KJV For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder
The sad part is they are doomed! She has already chosen to stay ten days a month with the family. Obviously she lets him go back home alone every month. I dont know the personal dynamic between him and her on a daily bases, if there close or not. But if she is watching him walk out of the door and drive home alone by himself and then still staying for nine or more days before going back, hes in trouble. Im curious to know if she is staying longer each time she goes home. He may become just the foreign checkbook 😮😮
Mark 10:7-9
Mark 10:7-9 KJV For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder
Sorry man you need to let her go. Never let a woman control the relationship.
🤣 … the fact that a grown man needs to be told that is just sad.
@@keith4826 😂
Old men are pretty funny😂😂
Never SIMP
Pack her bags for her andset them at the front door and then ask her to choose.
Harsh but effective 😀
Better to compromise at least a little. You don't want a moody spouse. You can find those in America.
Then she will block his access to the son, not the best idea
@@elkiwi69 you ever heard of the golden rule? He who controls the gold makes the rules.
@@Iron2011robMen don't need to compromise. Men provide and lead the household. That woman doesn't love him.
compromise. stay there for 2-3 day and have them come over for 5-7. You get to stay at the beach and inlaws look after your child. Or maybe 5 there or 5 visit. Another idea is to take 2-3 day and go on vacation together so everyone will have a good time.
The boy will be 5 years old in a year and will be going to school so that school will either be at the beach house on the coast or in the province 5 hours away. The wife is over 40 years old she should be independent of her 60 year old parents and submit to her husband and provider and be with her nuclear family. Don't get me wrong, having extended family around is wonderful and as a child I loved going to my grandparents out in the country but boundaries have to be drawn.
3-5 days a month sounds really reasonable for a family visit. It sounds like his wife is pushing him to move closer to or in with her family. She has her own family now (a husband and a child). That needs to be her primary focus and her parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, etc… need to move further down the priority line. Unfortunately, for many Filipino families the dynamic doesn’t work that way and it causes conflict, especially if there is a western spouse involved. If she really needs 10 days a month at her parents place then she needs to make her husband more comfortable so he doesn’t mind staying there as much.
He was in the states for two years while the child lived in the province here's my take........he was sending money there to support the child but the whole family was benefiting. Now that he's returned and took HIS child away and the money dried up their pissed! Besides if you want your child to speak English get him out of there. Your girlfriend is heavily influenced by her selfish family and I'm sure it's less about the child than it is about the money
The analysis sounds about right!
I think that sounds about right.
Just a reminder gentlemen….
DON’T GET HER PREGNANT !!!
In my humble opinion, it's imperative to ensure that both personal agendas align right from the start. Regrettably, it appears that opportunity has passed. His partner's reluctance to reside apart from her family presents an ongoing source of discomfort for him, a discomfort likely to intensify with time. In accordance with Filipino cultural norms, a wife traditionally accords precedence to her husband's wishes as a gesture of respect, even if it entails reducing her time with her family. The apparent disregard for her husband's predicament and her preference for remaining with her family over spending time with him perhaps signifies the limits of her affection for him. As for the son they share, the message seems unmistakably clear: he belongs to her family, while the foreigner remains estranged.
I agree with you but he's been back in the PH's for 2 years now so his son only spent the first 2 years of his life at his grandparents house. He has no recollection of memories of his grandparents at that age. He will be going to school next year so that's either at the beach house on the coast or 5 hours away in the province. His wife is in her 40's it's time to grow up submit to her husband and financial provider and concentrate on the nuclear family. I know there's no way anyone would be taking my son from me.
Don't live in her family's village. I wouldn't even visit monthly, especially for 7-10 days. Tell the wife she can visit but he will stay home. My Filipina wife is agreeing with me on this particular video. My wife said he needs a new wife or GF.
I agree. He needs a new wife.
Dump her!
I think with a four year old in the picture you exhaust all options before going nuclear; but you're probably right.
Needs no wife. Phase one would be staying at the beach 🏖️
Phase two DNA . The problem might not even be his problem.
Phase three depends on the results.
I think they need to be flexable, both way she needs to understand she started a new family, he needs to understand her family is also important to her go for 3 or 4 days and be happy
He is 8 thousand miles from home. And she complained about a few hours away from home. This sounds weird, what's really going on?
The double standard for women is a global problem.
Gio is right. SHE needs to compromise, not him (except for a little bit). It would completely suck to live in close proximity to her family or to spend that much time with them. Even forgetting the language and cultural differences, I could not spend that much time with my wife's family (and we are virtually the same, culturally), I could not even spend that much time with my own family!
He needs to be firm that he / they are going to live at his location, which is probably a lot more pleasant, and centre their family around that (Gio is absolutely right about that - why is her parents' family more important than his and hers?). But he should facilitate her travel to visit her family for a week each month, but should not feel compelled to join them. A few days every quarter is plenty for a Westerner visiting someone else's family.
I think it was Benjamin Frankly who said, "guests and fish start to smell after three days".
If she wants to go away for one week each month, that could work. He could use that time to do "guy things" like golf and drinking and watching the sun set in peaceful solitude. Then have "reunion sex" when she gets back and she can tell you all the boring things about the village that you aren't really interested in, but will politely listen to. This is a far better solution for EVERYONE.
In the process, he establishes that he is the man and the leader. And if she doesn't like it, then she can stay in the village. He can find a much younger, prettier and more flexible Filipina, to comfort him after they split up. Actually, what I would do, is I would have a young mistress for the week when wifey is away, but maybe he is not as devious as I am.
IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THEY PROCEED WITH THE MARRIAGE UNTIL THIS IS FULLY RESOLVED!
Luckily for me.. My wife visits her older sister with me.. About 3 to 5 days.. Once every three or four
months.. I don't believe this relationship will survive..
2 days in thr village. Once every 3 months. And they gave to stop treating him like the odd man out. As it is he can’t even handle being the odd man out for one day. Totally understand his frustration.
I was visiting family I never met before for 20 days and I don’t speak their language and I was fine conversing with them and figuring stuff out.
I plan on learning Basayan when I get to Bohol and am slowly learning Tagalog. I find it incredibly difficult to learn Tagalog because everyone wants to speak English to me. I find that when people only talk Tagalog around me (like church etc) I learn a lot more. Learning their language will help… but how old are you? I am only 54 so I feel I have 20-30 years minimum ahead of me.. but if I was 80 I probably would not spend lots of time learning it.
Advantages:
1. You keep your brain smart. If you use it you won’t lose it so quickly.
2. you can build relationships with your family that are very valuable.
This doesn't help the guy who wrote in, wprd of advice for other guys - pretty much date women here in the Philippines whose parents are either dead or estranged.
I find even a lot of young women around 30 where this is the case.
Solved a TON of problems like this also no one asks you for money or help, no awkward moments either.
Selecting wisely is the key. The more families the more problems that come about. The Filipino will select the family over you so don't think otherwise, you are way down on the list from the very start and that is not going to change in my opinion. The 3 F'S is fitting in this situation.
@10:00 Hey guys, I really enjoy your channel. Keep up the great work however, I apologise in advance for I am triggered. The women he had a child by is not a wife. A wife understands the final say belongs to the husband. It's her fault her english is not good enough to use the most powerful thing a wife has. Her Persuasion. If she wanted to be with her family and not with her future husband, that's a choice. One life gentleman. That's all we got. He was ready to lay his life on the line to provide and protect. Apparently she doesn't need it.
Forget about it.
Move on . Have fun.
It's smart Gio plus delay cataracts
We moved 7000 miles away. No problem here
Pretty solid advice. I’m impressed. Trust, patience, adaptability, and social interaction are absolute top factors toward successful integration. The other two you mentioned, language and weather, well if someone didn’t consider these paramount factors then they should have stayed in Indiana (or wherever).
Hi Gio, I am in a similar situation. My partner and our 6 year old live mostly in Angeles City because of her school, whereas I hate Angeles as I surf so I live in our condo in San Juan La Union. We have a nanny and also our child loves the beach so they always ;love coming up to our beach house , so for the time being it works. I would be miserable in Angeles. However, this is NOT really a situation that we will do for the long term as ultimately we will live 6 months in Australia and 6 months overseas ( including the Philippines). Therefore, my advice is that there is no point in staying at a place where you are miserable, so you just have to compromise. I don't think its a great scenario for the long term, however, if you have no other choices, so be it. Good Luck.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Spouse comes first family comes 2nd. He is the Father he should take priority over the Grand parents.🙂
It's a tough situation. I also think that immediate family is important. Are they married? The message says they've been engaged since 2018. Hard to use that argument if they aren't even if they have a child together. I guess deciding this is probably a huge part of their marriage plans. I see a couple of options. Live at the beach and then go visit the family maybe once a month on the weekend at first and maybe build that out to once every 3 months, every 6 months and finally once a year during Christmas or something. But I also empathize with both of them because I lived in Japan for over 20 years and being there I absolutely had to learn the language. Filipinas are so close to their families no matter how old they are. Most people cant even imagine...so it is possible to live in the Filipinas province and study Tagalog everyday if nothing else to do ( I studied Japanese for over 10 hour a day at first to learn the language and practiced it as much as I could/whenever I could. No one spoke English to me on the streets etc. unless it was in the classroom so that's how I can empathize) but it takes effort. He doesn't have to live with the family but he could be an important part of their community and build relationships with them and then take a vacation to get away and relieve some stress to the beach or what not. It really depends on his personality. I asked my girlfriend about it and she just said talk to the family members in English and they will respond. I don't know if he's trying to talk to them or hes just sitting around listening to them speak Tagalog and feel left out. In either case, they should have talked about this before having a child and definitely should talk about it now.
Probably financial support of her family is also involved!
I believe in immediate family first im with you gio this one is a shaky conflict but one that can be solved maybe visit once a week but stay at your own home bless you guys have a great day 😊
5 hours is like a direct flight to Brisbane Australia. I think visit the family twice a year & stay 3 days each time.
7-10 days every month? Absolute torture.
Beach house by yourself!!!
Sounds fantastic!!
Enjoy it. Relax .
You got it maid
Hello Giio I wanted to comment on this video because I feel my situation is identical. I just moved here from California and it's only been 7 months. I don't have a son or daughter so nothing like this expat situation but I totally understand that when I'm with my wife's family I feel isolated. Almost everyone of the family members can speak english but they don't bother when I'm with them. It's very frustrating even asking my wife to tell everyone to speak English we even had a argument about the topic. So right now I just swallow my gut and suffer while everyone has the time of their life having conservation among themselves. I just wait until 6 months because me and my wife will move to Baguio where the weather is more tolerable for me. Can I get your suggestions and opinion on my situation.
Do you have to go to these family outings? With just 6 months till your move to Baguio I'd just suck it up since you have light at the end of the tunnel.
She needs to be in your frame and what you’re ( the guy in question) asking is completely reasonable. I’d have a paternity test and also be firmer on terms . I’d be questioning if there’s anyone else there that she’s interested in
It's way too late to enforce any kind of boundaries at the point. She has already seen that this guy is a pushover so she has 0 reason to comply.
You guys look great together… !!
Accountability,Wants & needs in relationships,Somethings cant always be worked out.Best thing is to be mature as well,when children are involved whats best for the child..Sounds like theres some thinking to do on their part..Wish them well..Onward on the Journey
I don't know how others will think about this but that's up to them anyway I don't have any experience with the Filipinos but I do have a lot of experience with the Latinas and I find that the older they are the more difficult they are to deal with they seem to know all the tricks and are more hard-headed I guess that's the best I can say
Wise words from your asawa, Gio👍2-3 days a month is enough
It’s a major battle 😊
They both have wiggle room. Go to her home for a long weekend once per month, and then invite the grandparents for a weekend visit once a month. If you have to pay their bus fare, it's still money well spent.
(Just be clear that there is a firm start and end date to all visits, either direction.) 😅
Sounds like he gets a 10 day break every month. The reunion after the 10 days could be good too . On the other hand if you are truly in love with your partner you never want to be apart. So if thats the case there will need to be a compromise. Maybe only go to the province for a couple days a month. Or split the difference and make it 5 days a month.
I would leave the relationship. He has already sacrificed moving to the Philippines and leaving his family behind. She is still within reach of her family.
Totally agree!
Solution: bring the parents to the beach. This could be for a monthly visit or to live them. About six years after I married my wife, she brought her parents to the states. For the next 20 years we had a live-in babysitter, maid, and cook. Her dad got a job and they supported my wife's siblings back in the PI. It worked out great for all.
Or she can stay with her parents if she doesn't want to follow him as the man of the house.
This guy needs to ask her if she wants a husband and a family or to live with her parents and siblings. Seven to ten days a month is a ridiculous amount of time to visit parents and siblings. That amount should be yearly not monthly. Although he should have set ground rules before having a child. Either be a man and set your rules for your house or send her back to her family. Just take responsibility for your child and see him as much as you can. Good luck
This family dependence issue with the Filipina should have been seen very early in the relationship before a child was had. That way, the Western can move on from that girl and find someone more appropriate for his needs. With a child in the picture, it complicates things more. Even if they split up, her family will have her hounding him for money all the time.
Both the Filipina and her family need to understand that her relationship with the foreigner is the only chance she has of having a good, prosperous life. A Filipina single mom has almost zero chance of getting a Filipino man and his family to accept her.
In this case, the Westerner has all the leverage in the relationship.
These are issues that should be brought up by the man very early on in the relationship, when getting to know another woman. I ask questions about things like this, "where would you like to live", "do you want any kids" "do you want to get married someday" When you ask questions like these and make them answer, you will learn a lot about what she really thinks is important and where her head is at. If she says she wants to live in her village with her parents and you don't, maybe you need to find a different lady. If she says anywhere as long as we are together, then you may have a keeper.
I would also say, she should respect your opinion and be willing to learn and respect what you say, when you tell her what she should do, or how she should spend money you give her. If she doesn't listen, don't get mad or upset, just explain to her why you think the way you do and she will love and respect you more when she realizes how much more experienced you are than her.
This is especially important in a large age gap relationship, you are an experienced man, who has much wisdom. If you show her this early on, you will be surprised how younger smart Filipinas, will want to learn from you. As they start to realize you can teach them many things about life, that they have never been taught and never even thought of before.
10 days is way crazy. 3 days including travel time too and from. She needs to make an effort to make him not feel isolated and left out too when they are with her family. His responsibility is to make the effort but hers is to be that bridge between he and them. Sounds to me like she is not doing that. I would say he needs to be on the lookout for signs that she is over him during the separation while he was stuck in the US during the world issues. This is an example though of why this stuff needs thoroughly discussed in the very early stages of the relationship. Perhaps it was and things changed I suppose. Good luck to him though I hope it works out.
😎👍🇺🇲
5 hours away sounds like the perfect distance.
The family should and will eventually adapt.
He has a family now and they should appreciate that.
It's not as if he trying to move her to a different island or country.
I think he needs to take a little time and figure out exactly where his boundaries are going to be.
Basically draw the line in the sand and stick to it.
She will know exactly where he stands and can consider options.
If they both can't get close to a comfortable compromise. Then they should live their own lives.
It does sound like the bourdon is on her. She still has plenty of opportunities to visit, chat and have contact.
He could clearly state what he's willing to do and not willing to do. Period.
She can accept or reject the offer.
I'm siding with the guy because it sounds like he is trying to do the best he can for her and his little family.
Personally. I wouldn't put up with that situation. I'm too only and self-centered. I've been on my own far too long. Compromise isn't necessary in my current situation.
Just my 2 pesos of rambling.
Good luck 👍
First of all, it all started off on the wrong foot with him not being able to be there because of covid. I would have done everything possible to be there for my child's birth and to keep a strong bond with his fiance and child. I'm not saying it's his fault for not being able to be there for them, I didn't know the restrictions. I would think that there would be some sort of sign on how close she was to her family and where she wanted to live in the beginning of their relationship when they were talking. Immediate family is definitely number one. But secondary family is very important too. 3 to 5 days max is acceptable, in my opinion. She should give in to living 5 hours away and visit for those 3 to 5 days. And maybe longer over special occasions. Most definitely, the family should make a strong attempt to make him feel welcome. Remember, we are only getting one side of the story. I truly hope everything works out for them for the child's sake. And for them to be happy.
What would be wrong with her living in the village with her family for most of the month and coming to see him 7-10 days per month? He’s probably paying either way might as well enjoy some cool beverages by the beach while she suffering through a five hour drive. He’s got a pretty good set up he just doesn’t know it yet. Once he gets married he’s going to wish he had all that alone time back.
I thought you wore them all the time because the sun always shines on the cool
That's a tough problem. I would get a place nearby for them to live and make the best of it. Try to entice them and learn the language. Translation programs are getting better. Fortunately my Filipina has no desire to live without me, she's 24 with no baggage. We're happy to travel for now, but family is in the plan. We have a 4 BR house with room to grow.
If all else fails, move to another island, so her visits are less frequent..😅
This is really a big issue that should have been discussed while dating. 6/7 Filipinas will choose her family over you!
That's correct. It's a shock to most expats once they realize their status in the "family".
I was told a long time ago that "Like fish, guests start to stink up the house after 3 days." So, three days at a time is enough. But I would do three days twice a month. For the rest of us who don't have a girlfriend in the Philippines, this is an important discussion to have before getting married or having children. I hope this is something that would present itself in the first few months of dating so that it is not a surprise that one person does not want to live where the other does. I have learned that I don't have to live on the beach because I only go to the beach a few times a month and in the Philippines, it is a lot closer than the long trips to Florida from New York.
great video and important topic, family and how close we live to them is something i will have to deal with when I retire in ph. dude is cross posting this though as it was covered on overstay road as well pretty much word for word.
They need to take the grandparents out of the equation. Then they need to discuss what they need and want as a family unit. Once they decide that, they need to stick to it. Using the close ties with the grandparents as an argument is emotional blackmail, and should be taken out of the initial discussion. They need to make decisions on what is right for them both, but also for their son. I tend to agree with you both. I would try for a weekend or three days a month in the mountains, with the rest of their time focusing on their family unit. ❤
hi Gio,,sorry i have not watched for so long,,im busy,,prepareing,,im comeing to philippines in november,,thx !
I understand what he means I live in the providence with my wife and she is the only person I can talk to
Will you be watching the America's Cup this year since Italy is one of the contending boats (Luna Rossa)?
I'm in a similar situation. I did manage to get back in covid, with a 2 year old. And although ha4dly anyone in the village speaks English it doesn't bother me as I don't really care for chit chat. Also we built a house in the village next door to the in laws, so I have air con, bedroom, kitchen etc. It's our own space. And I work remotely so am busy with that. This guy may be retired so that's why he's bored. He should build a small house in the village for his wife and son and keep his place by the beach. That will give him a project and independence. Also go to tagalog classes seriously to learn it at least conversationally.
Overstay Road gave advice on the same person on his channel. I want to see the difference of opinion on someone just married and someone who has been married for years.
Good content as usual Gio. I totally agree with your assessment.
I was wondering what are your thoughts on vaccinations if moving permanently to the Philippines. The CDC and WHO have a long list of suggested vaccines. Do you think they are necessary? Thanks for your input.
Does anybody have any thoughts on vaccinations?
Yes compromise is a must. He needs to allow her to go to her family home whenever she wants, and the husband stays at home, only going with her 2 times a month, and only for 1 day each time. The son stays home with pappa the rest of the time. Never stay longer at the family home. If they are uninterested in learning English why waste your time learning Tagalog? Most Filipino's speak English!
I know it's too late to say, be sure before impregnating, so now what does he do? He obviously hates the village life, so maybe move within an hour of them if any locations are acceptable, or face the fact that eventually you will break up, and your son will grow without you around. You never married, so you probably can't get your son. This is one of those hard choices in life, your happiness, or your sons.
We have similar situation with us living in Lapu Lapu and my wife's province near Bacolod. The big difference is we have the full support from my in laws in whatever living decisions we make. They realize things like amenities, schools, etc. are better where we live. We have an open door policy and her family is welcomed to visit anytime and they have on several occasions. We visit her province 2-3 times per year and after 2 days I'm done with it as the only entertainment is playing cards and drinking.maybe if this expat lets the grandparents know they are welcome to visit his house any time then it would help ease tensions. Hope this helps.
Maybe stipulate, visit any time WITH PRIOR NOTICE of them coming and how long they expect to stay. That way he can plan ahead and not have to drop everything to entertain them.
I feel a 2-3 day visit per month until the child starts school would be a Good compromise for me in my opinion. Anymore time than that is excessive
instead of five hours away, moved two hours away, take her to her family, drop her off and tell her I will be back in 7 to 9 days to pick you up I'm going back home, if she doesn't like that tell her it's time to go our separate ways
The three of them could visit a couple of days each month, and then the fiance and son could go another time during the month for a few more days.
This sounds like a happy medium.
But I don't think they should move to that village.
Good thing the boy will start school next school-year soon. Also get him in a sport to participate in with a season(soccer, baseball etc…) These things as the boy gets older he will want to play sports and spend time with friends. This should hold it to one weekend a month. Making him to go he will end up hating it, which you don’t want to happen. It will work it out on its own. Tough it out now, compromise a 3-4 day weekend a month . Do something , if you don’t you’ll be miserable, in your 50s not cool. Enjoy these days. Put your foot down. This case, Father knows best.
The Filipina Pea made a video about a week ago that should scare any foreigner that has a Filipina with a “suspicious “ family.
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I accept myself, my situation and my life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what happens in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes!"
Know the feeling. Lived for 16 years in Crimea and could never learn Russian. Whenever my wife's family was around I was outside the conversation. But I'm an introvert so I just ignored what was being said. Whenever someone asked me a question my wife would translate. It was fine. But if you are an extravert I can see the issue. You can't change the facts so learn to live with it or destroy your relationship. But you will damage your child's life and your girlfriend's as well. Seems like a heavy price to pay for something that is a relatively minor issue.
This is something you deal with before you make a baby. ;) Edit: Family should see he's paying for everything and be glad their daughter and son have a good life. Also 40+ and still so dependent on the family. Red flag.
Big red flag and the most annoying part of dealing with pinas
Sometimes the wife doesn't do this sort of thing until after the baby. From experience, this sucks in all ways and will ultimately lead to separation.
I've found that the word "family" means something different to Americans versus Filipinos. So it's a legit cultural difference everyone who marries a filipina woman must face. Family to us means immediate family. Family to your filipina wife means the extended family including cousins and aunties and sometimes classmates. No one on Earth can say either lifestyle is right or wrong. It's just two different cultures trying to find their way in a new family dynamic that's inevitably going to make one side unhappy. So it's going to be hard no matter which way you go.
What's the deciding variable? Everywhere around the world in every single culture, deciding who has control over the family always comes down to who puts the food on the table. Who can provide the better lifestyle for the child. Your son comes first. Period.
There can be no question that a western quality of life is better. I understand emotional support is important, but that's why they invented video calls.
My filipina wife, my 16 month old son and I live as a family in Cebu City... only my wife, me and our son are here many hours and an island away from my wife's extended family. The lifestyle we live here is universally agreed and blatantly obvious to be far better than the province.
Mom, sister and her son are visiting us at our condo for a month this summer at my expense. But we've only visited the province twice in the past two years, and even then we stayed at a resort near the village. I usually spend the day at the resort while my wife visits her family. Or we get a room for a couple family members and hang at the resort most of the time.
This fellow just needs to talk some reality to everyone. I suspect I can safely say that no one in his wife's family makes any decent money. So he controls the finances. His money. His rules. That's how it works for my family, although I never had to present it that way. Biggest problem here is that he's let the situation get out of control already. I'm sure he sent money over to support his son and wife for two years during the pandemic.
So the Filipino family is confused why they can't just continue that way of life. Well, the bread winner now lives at home. Home is where the wallet is and that's just the way of the world.
Dad can provide a far better quality of life. The Bible will also tell you who the wife should choose. Let's see if these Catholics actually read the Bible. Matthew 19:5-6, Ephesians 5:24. I've sadly found that a lot of Filipinos love their religious holidays, but not so many actually read the book. Dad needs to explain the meaning of family in the words of God.
The real answer is somewhere between the wallet and the Word.
I could see depression and eventually health issues if I was forced to be around her family that often without speaking meaningful conversations with someone in English.
I think like you in this situation. GP's don't have any rights so the mother can take the son and visit the village for a week every month. No further discussion needed.
Being with other people who all are conversing with one another but not you is a very terrible lonely feeling. It's much worse to be with people who make you feel alone, than just being by yourself. My filipina wife speaks fairly good English, but when she's with other Filipine people, whether they speak English or not, she speaks Tagalog. I'm left out of the conversation. I've asked her to speak English with English speaking Filipinos. She may for a couple of minutes, then she's back to speaking Tagalog and I'm totally left out of the conversation. I'm now thinking of going back to Canada for 8 months for a break.
As a Brit married to a Filipina and living in the west this is my opinion. In a relationship you need to be on the same page with most things. Live somewhere say 1-2 hours away where it’s close enough to visit for the day but far enough away that your home isn’t an open invite and rent somewhere where there isn’t a spare bedroom. My wife’s from Tagum I wouldn’t want to live there but I would live in a condo in say Davao and she can visit home and get there in under 2 hours.
Hi Gio and Maya, love your videos. as far as this topic goes, a possible solution would be to rent a van, transport the family to the beach a couple of times a month for a couple days, and he and his family goes to the filipina's family a couple days a month. this might satisfy his need to be by the beach and his filipina's need for family interaction, along with their son also.
I don’t want to spend 7 to 10 days a month at my in laws even if they speak English. That is ridiculous. 2 or 3 days is realistic. You never live on a woman’s home turf. Let her visit by herself. I would welcome the time alone. As to language, it is your responsibility to learn their language, not for them to learn your’s.
That’s the same person who wrote to “overstay road”. He did a long video about this e mail. Exact words too
Post retirement, I have reignited my interest in music and playing chess. As the lead clarinet in my 1963-64 high school band, I developed a solid foundation in woodwinds . I revived that interest after a 40 years commitment to career and family, and I now play clarinets, flutes, trumpet, flugelhorn, tenor alto and soprano saxophone, and I'm learning the basics of jazz chords on piano. I also ride my Colnago 20 miles per day weather permitting. I was gifted an electronic chess board for Christmas and have advanced from beginner (100 rating to approaching 700). My five years relationship with a delightful woman, with whom I sleep four or five times per week, is probably strengthened by our separations. We trust each other, and our telephones are never turned off. So, my solution is to develop one's own interests and set an allowance for personal time, an allowance for nuclear family time, and an allowance for extended family time.
Maya hit the nail on the head. If she won't compromise and work toward a solution quickly then they are doomed.. I agree with Gio that they should focus on the immediate family first and the extended family second.. Its too much given on his part and not enough on hers.
Home alone is fantastic.
That is great.
No problem.
A 50 year old and a 40 year old should have put some thought into this relationship before having a child together. The son will be starting school next year which I'm assuming is going to be on the coast where the beach house is. A 2 year old has not recollection of his relationship with his grandparents only so much bonding is taking place at that age between grandparents and grandchildren. I don't disagree that it's great to have extended family around but the nuclear family is the family. I'm assuming the 55 year old man isn't working and living off savings until he starts receiving his American old age pension? He can be the primary caregiver. I'm 55 years old and no one is taking my son away from me and I would never leave him.
He should get over himself and work around it. My husband is American and I am from Mexico. He always sit there And also learn Spanish. He found something to do while I visited to Kept himself busy around my family all because he loves me.🎉🎉🎉 Now we've been married for 30 years. He was 23 and I was 24 when we met.
Tough situation. The problem there's a child involved
Yea, if no child easy solution, walk away!