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My DA ex-boyfriend had all of these traits and qualities, and we communicated very consistently for years, we were very close, I was introduced to his inner circle and family, and I tried really hard to communicate about conflict in a positive way... It didn't matter. The relationship was ultimately sabotaged and never to be repaired. So even though we progressed and became very close, and loved each other very much, it didn't make any difference because the relationship and our connection was ultimately ruined.
@atmodlee As Thais always talks about, In a relationship with a da, it's about their feelings minus their fears. I think that with my ex, his fears and unresolved and unintegrated childhood wounding made it impossible for him to work on the relationship and so he sabotaged the relationship.
@WahkeenaSitka same for me. My ex abruptly ended things after I met his family and friends. Things were getting a little more serious..his fears got the best of him..specially fears of losing autonomy and independence..he showed up in every way for me but still sabotaged the relationship
The one thing I didn't hear you say about him, is that he decided to start therapy and take responsibility for his wounds in order to save the relationship. You said he wanted to work on the relationship. But that's never the core issue when's there's an Anxious attacher such as a DA. The issue is them. Unless you're both anxious attachers. In which case, god help you... no j/k 😉 But anyway, do you see my point? Did you know that about Anxious attachers? They have problems they need to want to work on. But they won't want to change unless they understand and are highly self-reflective (unlikely but possible), or, you've laid out your boundaries and either they choose to change/do-the-work or it's over.
Thank you Thais for sharing your knowledge and wisdom! Even though we’re not together, I know through me he’s finding himself and improving. I’d love to have a second chance to start over with him, but I also know I have no control over any of it. I just want him to heal and be happy. I do still love him deeply, and as secure as I am, I do miss him so much. 😊
What if it feels like they compartmentalize their time? When she has her daughter, it’s not that I’m not a priority, it’s like even contacting me is a burden.
I've experienced this, hesitant to introduce me, then not calling when his daughter is there. It's like being hidden. I've met his daughter now, by his daughter's request, and it's no different. We don't all spend time together. I know its confusing for his daughter, asking if i will be spending the night or going to an event. Every aspect of this relationship has been so high maintenance. It's been more of a journey for me to determine if this is what I want and why?
I was in a relationship with a man for 7 years. He never thought to take me to Toronto to meet family and friends. I met a few of his friends. He met my family even if it was through facetime. I told him everything but he would never be transparent. He could never tell me how he felt about me. I always felt he had one foot in the door and one out the door. He did the bare minimum.
I've experienced being hidden, wondering if I'm good enough. I think i discovered it's about me recognizing how it may be impacting my self worth and do I want to find a better fit. If not, why?
Why would they express tremendous love and then retreat? He's disappeared its been 4 days and nothing. Ive known him for 15 years and he said things that are those id hear from someone deeply in love. I told him i was ok with exploring at a slow pace. I told him he needs to decide things would happen organically or not at all. Slow and day by day no pressure. He mentions its beautiful its special and then said he is sure it would make sense as we go along. Then suddenly gone. I don't get it.
I'm convinced my ex was, but when I started having some mental issues (as my therapist said "I was emotionally bankrupt") due to a narcissistic mother and a move 80 miles away from my ex. my ex bailed and blocked me.
Well I’m confused. My DA was definitely consistent in seeing me and communication though he would do the occasional disappearing for a week or so when he’s overwhelmed without explanation, but after 8 years of knowing him he wouldn’t commit or introduce me to family. He recently started withdrawing AGAIN and I finally had enough. I guess he wasn’t that interested
I'm so sorry for you Jade (I may not know you, but I definitely feel your pain). Don't be confused. Being a DA, FA, AA or SA is all somewhat malleable to degrees. Someone is mostly one, but maybe some sprinkles of others and maybe less of a particular pigeon holed way than the rest should be. But many signposts will be there. I'm glad you finally had enough. You should know that DAs never give closure. It's too painful for them to be that wrong. They're too wounded from shame from their childhood to be able to stomach closure. They'd rather jump off a you know what. So, the best thing you can do now, is move on and slowly heal from the separation. Since you guys aren't married or have children, it's best you find a better healthier person rather than try and see if he'd be willing to do years of therapy to save some percent of the relationship and reach a middle point where half your needs are met and half his. You're truly better off moving on. Make sure your next guy is a SA.
It’s so painful when someone isn’t willing to meet you halfway after so long. Walking away takes strength, and it sounds like you’re prioritizing your peace.
These smaller more subtle ways of an avoidant’s communicating interest surely feeds an anxiously attached person’s propensity to over-analyze every single detail in a relationship. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “What did she mean by that ?” or, worse, “Her responses are shallow. She doesn’t care.” How does one navigate that trap?
Honestly I don't do these things unless the relationship becomes a serious one, particularly number seven. I don't introduce anyone to my social circle I'm not serious with because you never know what kind of trouble that could cause. I knew someone who had a different guy every month that she would even bring her toddler son around. I found it odd that I'd see different men carrying him around when I'd see her around town. I know the timeline of avoidants is long when committing, but many of the things on this list is a natural progression of the relationship.
Self doubt was kind of making me feel like I'm not doing much to progress my own relationship but like it's nice to know I've pretty much been doing near all of these. Kind of gives me a relief that I'm really not just wasting someone else's time even if it's been nearly 2 months since our last conflict. Just that lingering thought that I hope they're not being happy for my sake and more because they truly are.
He did all this and said he wanted to go slow to where our connection would go. A few days later he told my friend he needed to be open with me because he didnt want a reationship because I’m not his type. Instead of talking to me he texted me I owed him money (because I canceled a date because I had a headache), calling me names. Is that typically avoidant behaviour?
He did all this and said he wanted to go slow to see where our connection would go. A few days later he told my friend he needed to be open with me because he didnt want a reationship because I’m not his type.Instead of talking to me he texted me I owed him money (because I canceled a date because I had a headache), calling me names. Is that typically avoidant behaviour? Later he said he wanted to talk things through, he had burnout and that caused his behaviour. I blocked him and we haven’t talked ever since. 3 months later and I’m still confused.
Thais, can you just say upfront - in the video title - whether you’re referring to DAs only or FAs too upfront pls? It’s frustrating to spend time when the advice is for DAs. Communicating needs clearly is good for DAs but makes FAs run. Why hook us like this?
i was at this party last weekend, and after a few drinks, i ended up on top of a table, dancing, completely naked. not something i’d normally do, but honestly, the way people were looking at me was crazy. like, they couldn’t keep their eyes off me. i wasn’t trying to do anything special, but it made me think of this book i read a while ago, Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki. not that i’m suggesting it made me take my clothes off, but the whole vibe thing… it might’ve played a part.
this guy i hooked up with once texted me months later saying, “i don’t know why, but i can’t stop thinking about you.” like, we met ONCE, and now he’s still thinking about me? i thought it was funny at first, but honestly, i’ve been noticing that people respond to me differently lately. it’s almost like there’s a shift in how they’re drawn to me. i don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but i did read this one book called Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki a while ago, and maybe there’s something to how your energy affects others.
i got hit on by my boss’s wife the other day. she came up to me at an office party and said, “there’s something about you that’s hard to ignore.” i didn’t even know what to say, just stood there kind of shocked. the weird part is, i’ve been getting this kind of attention a lot lately-people just seem to find me magnetic. not sure what changed, but i do remember reading something about how energy influences interactions, maybe it’s from this book Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki i picked up a while ago.
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Start the new year with purpose! Experience personalized courses on avoidants, live webinars & Q&As, and more for FREE for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?Ux_OR5RYcOA&el=youtube
Start Here: ruclips.net/video/Qa11KTYzDdw/видео.html
My DA ex-boyfriend had all of these traits and qualities, and we communicated very consistently for years, we were very close, I was introduced to his inner circle and family, and I tried really hard to communicate about conflict in a positive way... It didn't matter. The relationship was ultimately sabotaged and never to be repaired. So even though we progressed and became very close, and loved each other very much, it didn't make any difference because the relationship and our connection was ultimately ruined.
Why was it ruined?
@atmodlee As Thais always talks about, In a relationship with a da, it's about their feelings minus their fears. I think that with my ex, his fears and unresolved and unintegrated childhood wounding made it impossible for him to work on the relationship and so he sabotaged the relationship.
@WahkeenaSitka same for me. My ex abruptly ended things after I met his family and friends. Things were getting a little more serious..his fears got the best of him..specially fears of losing autonomy and independence..he showed up in every way for me but still sabotaged the relationship
@@Melissa-ph9xj I don't know if they are capable of overcoming their fears and self sabotage behaviors.
The one thing I didn't hear you say about him, is that he decided to start therapy and take responsibility for his wounds in order to save the relationship. You said he wanted to work on the relationship. But that's never the core issue when's there's an Anxious attacher such as a DA. The issue is them. Unless you're both anxious attachers. In which case, god help you... no j/k 😉 But anyway, do you see my point? Did you know that about Anxious attachers? They have problems they need to want to work on. But they won't want to change unless they understand and are highly self-reflective (unlikely but possible), or, you've laid out your boundaries and either they choose to change/do-the-work or it's over.
Thank you Thais for sharing your knowledge and wisdom!
Even though we’re not together, I know through me he’s finding himself and improving.
I’d love to have a second chance to start over with him, but I also know I have no control over any of it. I just want him to heal and be happy.
I do still love him deeply, and as secure as I am, I do miss him so much. 😊
What if it feels like they compartmentalize their time? When she has her daughter, it’s not that I’m not a priority, it’s like even contacting me is a burden.
I've experienced this, hesitant to introduce me, then not calling when his daughter is there. It's like being hidden. I've met his daughter now, by his daughter's request, and it's no different. We don't all spend time together. I know its confusing for his daughter, asking if i will be spending the night or going to an event. Every aspect of this relationship has been so high maintenance. It's been more of a journey for me to determine if this is what I want and why?
I was in a relationship with a man for 7 years. He never thought to take me to Toronto to meet family and friends. I met a few of his friends. He met my family even if it was through facetime. I told him everything but he would never be transparent. He could never tell me how he felt about me. I always felt he had one foot in the door and one out the door. He did the bare minimum.
I've experienced being hidden, wondering if I'm good enough. I think i discovered it's about me recognizing how it may be impacting my self worth and do I want to find a better fit. If not, why?
Thanks this was a helpful with my DA wife 😀
Why would they express tremendous love and then retreat? He's disappeared its been 4 days and nothing. Ive known him for 15 years and he said things that are those id hear from someone deeply in love. I told him i was ok with exploring at a slow pace. I told him he needs to decide things would happen organically or not at all. Slow and day by day no pressure. He mentions its beautiful its special and then said he is sure it would make sense as we go along. Then suddenly gone. I don't get it.
I'm convinced my ex was, but when I started having some mental issues (as my therapist said "I was emotionally bankrupt") due to a narcissistic mother and a move 80 miles away from my ex. my ex bailed and blocked me.
That must have been such a tough experience. It’s hard when you need support, and instead, someone distances themselves.
Well I’m confused. My DA was definitely consistent in seeing me and communication though he would do the occasional disappearing for a week or so when he’s overwhelmed without explanation, but after 8 years of knowing him he wouldn’t commit or introduce me to family. He recently started withdrawing AGAIN and I finally had enough. I guess he wasn’t that interested
I'm so sorry for you Jade (I may not know you, but I definitely feel your pain). Don't be confused. Being a DA, FA, AA or SA is all somewhat malleable to degrees. Someone is mostly one, but maybe some sprinkles of others and maybe less of a particular pigeon holed way than the rest should be. But many signposts will be there. I'm glad you finally had enough. You should know that DAs never give closure. It's too painful for them to be that wrong. They're too wounded from shame from their childhood to be able to stomach closure. They'd rather jump off a you know what. So, the best thing you can do now, is move on and slowly heal from the separation. Since you guys aren't married or have children, it's best you find a better healthier person rather than try and see if he'd be willing to do years of therapy to save some percent of the relationship and reach a middle point where half your needs are met and half his. You're truly better off moving on. Make sure your next guy is a SA.
It’s so painful when someone isn’t willing to meet you halfway after so long. Walking away takes strength, and it sounds like you’re prioritizing your peace.
These smaller more subtle ways of an avoidant’s communicating interest surely feeds an anxiously attached person’s propensity to over-analyze every single detail in a relationship. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “What did she mean by that ?” or, worse, “Her responses are shallow. She doesn’t care.”
How does one navigate that trap?
Thank you so much!
Happy it resonates!
Honestly I don't do these things unless the relationship becomes a serious one, particularly number seven. I don't introduce anyone to my social circle I'm not serious with because you never know what kind of trouble that could cause. I knew someone who had a different guy every month that she would even bring her toddler son around. I found it odd that I'd see different men carrying him around when I'd see her around town. I know the timeline of avoidants is long when committing, but many of the things on this list is a natural progression of the relationship.
How long is that discount for the course gonna last? I need at least til thursday this week
so if she runed away, basicly tell that she started to get attached to me. Not because she didn t like me ??
It’s possible! Avoidants often distance themselves when feelings intensify because it can feel overwhelming for them.
Does this only apply when being in a relationship with a DA? Or also prior commitment?
This can apply both in and before a committed relationship-it depends on the attachment style dynamics in play.
❤❤❤❤
Self doubt was kind of making me feel like I'm not doing much to progress my own relationship but like it's nice to know I've pretty much been doing near all of these. Kind of gives me a relief that I'm really not just wasting someone else's time even if it's been nearly 2 months since our last conflict. Just that lingering thought that I hope they're not being happy for my sake and more because they truly are.
He did all this and said he wanted to go slow to where our connection would go. A few days later he told my friend he needed to be open with me because he didnt want a reationship because I’m not his type. Instead of talking to me he texted me I owed him money (because I canceled a date because I had a headache), calling me names. Is that typically avoidant behaviour?
@@poekiepoes from my experience with avoidants - no
No, thats just being a rubbish human being.@poekiepoes
@@poekiepoes I don't know from the limited info but he doesn't sound nice from not cutting you slack for cancelling
He did all this and said he wanted to go slow to see where our connection would go. A few days later he told my friend he needed to be open with me because he didnt want a reationship because I’m not his type.Instead of talking to me he texted me I owed him money (because I canceled a date because I had a headache), calling me names. Is that typically avoidant behaviour? Later he said he wanted to talk things through, he had burnout and that caused his behaviour. I blocked him and we haven’t talked ever since. 3 months later and I’m still confused.
Block delete move on ❤
No, that's an a**hole. Agree with the other commenter - block & delete.
No, it’s not normal.
It sounds like you went through a confusing and hurtful situation. Blocking him might have been the healthiest choice for your peace of mind.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
Thanks for your reply. Yes he’s blocked but he’s my neighbour which makes it difficult to move on.
Thais, can you just say upfront - in the video title - whether you’re referring to DAs only or FAs too upfront pls?
It’s frustrating to spend time when the advice is for DAs. Communicating needs clearly is good for DAs but makes FAs run. Why hook us like this?
i was at this party last weekend, and after a few drinks, i ended up on top of a table, dancing, completely naked. not something i’d normally do, but honestly, the way people were looking at me was crazy. like, they couldn’t keep their eyes off me. i wasn’t trying to do anything special, but it made me think of this book i read a while ago, Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki. not that i’m suggesting it made me take my clothes off, but the whole vibe thing… it might’ve played a part.
Ummmm
this guy i hooked up with once texted me months later saying, “i don’t know why, but i can’t stop thinking about you.” like, we met ONCE, and now he’s still thinking about me? i thought it was funny at first, but honestly, i’ve been noticing that people respond to me differently lately. it’s almost like there’s a shift in how they’re drawn to me. i don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but i did read this one book called Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki a while ago, and maybe there’s something to how your energy affects others.
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That’s a fascinating perspective! Shifts in energy can truly influence the way we connect with others.
i got hit on by my boss’s wife the other day. she came up to me at an office party and said, “there’s something about you that’s hard to ignore.” i didn’t even know what to say, just stood there kind of shocked. the weird part is, i’ve been getting this kind of attention a lot lately-people just seem to find me magnetic. not sure what changed, but i do remember reading something about how energy influences interactions, maybe it’s from this book Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki i picked up a while ago.
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