“Real friends are useless” means that the friendship doesn’t benefit you in a materialistic or transactional way. Hence, not a transactional friendship. Real friendship is about emotional support, honesty, and intimacy, or as he said, love. I’m blessed to have real friends and this is a great reminder to renew these relationships 🥰
@@rafaelw8115It’s more about how these relationships make you FEEL, not what you “get”, and honestly, it’s when we’re giving more than we’re receiving that it really feels the most fulfilling and therefore, happy. 😁
@@MJLOVEnow seems close, but actually misses the boat entirely: the whole point of friendship is there's no sense of whether we're giving/receiving at all, the discourse /interaction simply flows without any tension. I have a lifelong acqutainance who has always been a pill, and he';s gotten infinitely worse over midlife. He sees and operates w/ ppl as transactions even though he puts on a front of "empathy" which is 100% false.
Real friends are the “useless” people in your life. The one that doesn’t have materialistic things to offer or connections that are helpful for one’s career, the one you just enjoy spending time with. Too often people “connect” or move on based on “transactional value”. Time and even relationships have become commodities.
Love,Friendship and realation just have become just another comodity in this consumerism,capitalist, individualistic and materialistic world. This diseases came from west and we lost collectivity, unity, traditional family values ,family love, and genuine frendship।
@@spotonnls3538 no, he does not. Dogs that are not well looked after bark when once again left alone staring the walls 24/24. I am committed to looking after my dog and seeing his needs are met.
By far, one of the BEST, most relevant discussions I’ve listened to in AGES. And it made total sense to me. Bless you both - and kudos to MSNBC for giving 12 minutes of airtime to a discussion unrelated to politics.
00:04:15 Thus you have to pay the extortionate tuition fee, among other efforts, first before they reverse the script and tell you as a member of society what they've been motivating you to do since kindergarten is useless all along. Sounds like society is sacked by irrelevant narcissists that pollute all levels. This is precisely the reason why a person doesn't authority for no reason. These types of costs.
This guy is a shady salesman and a neo-conservative (he has the same old capitalist drivel in stock to sell as well - this is political!). Just some rebranding of known trivia and confusing terminology, like defining 'true friendship' as the opposite of how the whole world used to understand this term. I don't trust anyone promoted by Oprah. The hole self-help industry is a scam anyway.
My formula is: Pursue truth no matter how unpleasant it is. If your happiness is based on errors, it will collapse sooner or later; see the flashy and photogenic lifestyles and personality as the blind, mindless, cultish worship of imagery over content; be satisfied with minimal material and social needs; ultimately you are your own best friend; have a strong sense of what justice and fairness are (reduces chances of exploitation by others) last but not least - help, heal, and uplift those in most need of it.
I go for a 2 or 3 mile walk every day, I never take my phone but I see a lot of people on my walk glued to theirs. I use it to clear my head, go over what I want to do that day and just take in the day. There's an author Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. that I read when I was going through a failed engagement after 8 years of dating. It's really a great series of books that if you're interested in why we hook up with the one we do and why we often fail and also how to hopefully keep it together with the one you love.
I have no cell phone. When I walk down the street, if a stranger standing next to me picks up their ringing phone, I always say, “If that’s for me, tell them I’m not here.”
@@rikfriday6079 I just bought my first cell phone this year and ONLY because our laundry room machines require an app to pay for laundry! Otherwise I probably wouldn't have bought it, I have no cell service and don't plan on getting any either.
Over the years my real friends have died and it's so difficult to replace them. To be honest it's hard work. 'chi trova un amico/a trova un tesoro' translated from italian means ' he who finds a true friend finds a trasure' SO TRUE!
The most Profound line ....'REAL FRIENDS ARE USELESS' ....YOU ARE WITH THEM FOR THE LOVE OF THEM & NOT TO GAIN ANYTHING MATERIALISTIC ...! .......A very deep deep line indeed !
It's all about Love. Love, Light and Life are all the same frequency. If you are in the frequency of love, you will also be happy because you are filled with LIGHT and LIFE. Friends, relatives, faith all bring that out in us, teaching us to love unconditionally until one day we are able to look at ourselves and achieve full unconditional SELF LOVE. That's what this is really about. Thanks for a great 12 minutes!
0:39: 😊 Happiness is not a feeling, but something more tangible than feelings. 2:45: ! The video discusses the defeatist checklist of things that would make someone happy, and emphasizes that happiness is a direction, not a destination. 4:54: 💡 The importance of having real friends and not just transactional relationships. 7:33: ! The importance of love, diversity, and human connection in a technologically-driven world. 9:35: 💡 The importance of having real friends and staying in touch with family. Recap by Tammy AI
Curses can become blessings & blessings become curses with time & perspective. Life is cumulative. You tend to remember the struggles more than the triumph.
I would say, put it in a time capsule, so that humanity that comes after us, because we are lost since we let it slip away, can use this as a guideline in developing their society. For now this only for the happy few.
'Friends will always let you down" : my mother. It sounds miserable but it is the opposite - it frees you from disappointment and bitterness. There will always be times when you think you need something, and your friend is going some other way.
Thank you so much for this, watched and decided to call my Aunt who I've been apart from for years because of political divide as it has taken a lot of families. Spoke just now for an hour and it was everything! ALL love! life is short call your family
This man really had a lot to offer . a Great guest and it drives me Nuts when the Host wants to talk over the guest . I believe having Purpose is more important than "Happiness".
"If I had a prayer, it would be this: 'God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.'" ~Byron Katie. This quote changed my life forever. My anxiety plummeted, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. We run into problems when we expect other people, especially friends/family, to treat us a certain way. We cannot look to others for peace, happiness. Side note: I only heard Byron Katie on Oprah's radio show years back. It's too bad she didn't have her back on. I think it's too much for a lot of people. We are so addicted to suffering that we think we must suffer or there is something wrong with us. It's the other way around, but most of us don't see life this way.
I appreciate the conversation and the work that went into writing this book. The concepts presented are nothing new, just a new way presenting it that will land for people who need and want to learn it.
I’m sorry but having enough money to quit having to work for the corporate elite would provide society far more happiness than any of his points combined.
Stephanie Ruhle is a great interviewer for this guest. Brooks is everywhere these days and I try to catch every interview I can. I loved how these two people leaned in toward each other while they spoke together.
Not only do we need to interact with people in person like they're explaining, but what happens during the first four minutes of contact has something to do with what happens in your mind every 4 seconds as well. The mind is a terrible thing to waste but an easy thing to invest in.
This guy really is like: "my students tell me what makes them happy, and I tell them they are wrong." He rejects the idea that different people have different things that makes them happy. He says satisfaction comes through struggling to accomplish something, but for many people that's not a satisfying feeling, that's just doing something hard that they need to do to survive or keep a job, and happiness for them might come from taking time to clear their mind so they can reflect and recharge. He says happiness comes from interacting with people, but for people who have been abused all their life trying to forge interactions with people might be overwhelmingly stressful with no tangible benefits in sight. I agree that his assessment of what corporate media has told us we need to pursue to make us happy is problematic. But his rejection of what different people might need to make them happy is problematic. For some, following this guy's recommendations would make them stressed out and miserable.
Therapy, I can vouch for that. I come from an abusive family and was abused and abandoned as a child and teen. Granted some may not respond to therapy or meds, that is sad but it does happen.
Agree. Some of us don't have much family left to call. Some of us have been betrayed by "real friends" and find it challenging to make new friends, especially as we age. He makes it sound simple and reductionist. It sounds like his research was done solely in the ivory tower of Harvard. Not with large samples of people from throughout the population and various cultures. Of course Oprah would be drawn to this type of pop psychology.
I'd like to encourage you all to expand your ideas of what qualifies as family and friends; family might be chosen rather than biological and friends don't have to be human. Jane Goodall would certainly call the gorillas she worked with friends, and quite nearly family even. Joy can come from genuine earthling interactions across species, such as a pet cat or dog. Therapy dogs are real. In fact, caring for an animal can fulfill most of the items on his checklist if you really try to listen to the animal and connect with it and take care of it; it's a real friend, not just a deal friend.
This is not a criticism of you, cg2642, just an observation. Everybody always blames "the corporate media," and I get that. They shape our conversations. But isn't that happening here, with Brooks talking about the book? Just a thought. I agree that some people need challenges to overcome and make some big or personal difference. I would ask if the relief of completing any task results in happiness, vs. doing the task. And interacting with people for a form of happiness? When was the last time you had an interaction with somebody who wasn't thinking of something else or in a rush? Asking for a friend.
In the conversation they just laid out why Finland is the happiest country in the world, without mentioning the country's name of course. Finland is famous for the sincere, serious, reliable, honest people, who make real friends and does it slowly, because family and old friends come first, and their silent church is their relationship with Nature, and they thrive in their special life-work balance, where their emphasis is on quality and being useful, more than status and bling. Finns are living the life they want and they don't want to exchange it for another - that is: most of them are happy with what they have, love, and are.
Something fascinating… you said “life-work” balance. In the US, we say “work-life” - and that says everything about our priorities. I’m changing it from now on.
@@Soistoi-meme Oh, thanks a lot. I actually did it on purpose and I'm so glad you like it. Maybe more people will do it, too, I hope. - We work to live, not live to work, if it is not a life-purpose, of course, like Jane Goodall's or Rachel Carson's.
I have a friend who is neither a real friend nor a deal friend. Spend a lot of time together and totally useless. Only takes takes takes and almost no giving at all. I’be decided to keep it a nice distance going forward and be at peace with it. 😇
I enjoy my volunteer work far more than my job. I always look forward to it and feel much better even after a rough week. If I didn't need the money, I would be much happier spending time elsewhere. This video really resonated with me and I will keep his words in mind during my job search. Thank you.
How can you define an authentic relationship as useless? I know, the Professor is talking about "useless" friends in a material sense...they can't help you get a job, introduce you to your dream date, or loan you money when you're hard up, but they make a real difference in your life.
Wild generalizations like these--even if they are actually well expressed--are useless. You need to let go of your obvious contempt for people who do not share your political views.@@Gabedudley1
What about people who are only happy when left alone to do their own single person activities? I'm only happy when left alone to do my own thing, ALONE. We're all different.
I get that. *_this guy in the video never talked to people like you (or me ... ) bc we'd never participate in a group study._* bc "group." his results are garbage - self-selecting OUT people like you (and me ... ) you be you. the guy in the video is wrong. it's YOUR life.
@@Alz98 I'm the only one who holds MY fishing pole, though MY knowledge comes thru the overall collective. But only I alone can use the learned skills to become a real tangential event in my journey through this life. GLHF
@@Alz98 have YOU ever considered that not everyone needs outside validation? and that perhaps that's something you need to work on? my stars, _DO YOU NOT EVEN HEAR HOW NEEDY YOU ARE?!?_
Thank you for having this great guest on. I have had a great deal of pain and loss, in m long life, but It is the Core of my Spiritual Being that has kept me happy in spite of it all.. I just had a triple bypass heart surgery three days ago and I feel great because I am plugged into my Source. I am NOT religious, but totally Spiritual. There are no borders or boundaries to Love; truly, LOVE is Infinite! You CAN choose to be happy if you are willing to drop your cynicism and envy in Life!
Faith, family, friends, work that serves others. If there are no family/friends, well, he doesn't say that the 4 things are equally weighted. I think it depends on the person and life circumstances. Having good Faith and good work would be at least half way there, and maybe lead to a lot more.
Ya, funny thing about all this: I grew up in an era and a place where, as youth, we were told to pursue our lives in a way that would make us happy. So, when we did society called us Slackers and Lazy and actually harmful to society because we were creating a path for ourselves that fell outside the 'NORMS' of how to be and adult and responsible, etc. It takes Oprah to co-sign some Harvard professor, who is using concepts that were poo-poo'd by western civilization (concepts from Buddhism and from Eastern cultures or just non-western civilization, ie white folks) to bring these simple ideas into the "NORM"?? Funny how these things go. Yes, the western world is sooooo superior to everything else... hahahahahahahahahaha
All this work but not if you are poor and have actual survival problems.. " just pick a book tomorrow" is such a classist and privileged "tip for happiness"
He presents his work very well, it’s trained. You can tell he practices what he teaches. He is the one of the most successful businessmen of our era. He’s successfully sold happiness. Usually when people sell, “self help” guides or biographies, they’re met with positive feedback and an equal negative response. His responses are more positive, I’d say 90/10. I’m glad to see people becoming more aware of their environments, experiences, growths etc
“We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. All art is quite useless.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray [Re: real friends being "useless"]
This approach is completely unrealistic for some people, like me. Yes, I have faith & friends, but I do not have any family, so calling someone everyday is not possible. And, I would love more than anything to have the job of my dreams, but realistically, I need a healthy paycheque to afford rent, food, transportation, insurance, etc, etc. I suppose I could do my dream job and live on the streets. Would that be true happiness? 🤷🏼♀️
@@reason6835 You ARE cynical. How many people have gotten to what they think is the pinnacle of success and then felt let down? A quote from David Bowie's song FAME...once you get there things are hollow.
@@eddenoy321 It's not psycho-babble. If you really think about it, what everyone really wants, once basic physical needs are met, is to be loved and to love, inclusive of, but not limited to, romantic love. We all want at least someone to be aware that we exist and appreciate the fact.
I am 72. How would I have gotten this far in my life without the grace of my dear friends and loved ones? I have an active friend from when I was four. I remember the day we met. We talked last Friday. I have a dear friend from age 14. We had lunch yesterday. I have a friend from age 16, we worked together at my first part time job. What an angel she is! I have another friend from age 18, we were out last Monday. Then there is my twin sister, who I have known since our egg split. Go on, fella. Real friends are NOT what you claim.
@@alanc7772 well, therapy. "Comfort" is a vague term, an outcome term. so start therapy to help narrow down the issue to find out the cause and if its is them or you. Then take necessary steps, baby steps to begin with, to go towards the outcome you want.
Completely agree with Brooks about social media. I have a Facebook account but am rarely on it and don’t make any posts about myself. I mainly follow FB pages that are groups about subjects I am interested in (Atheism and a few sports teams). IMO social media does way more harm than good. It has also been a factor in the ending of some of my relationships although they were having issues apart from social media.
Investing like Arthur Brooks is saying here is critical. Remember after you got those Christmas presents for that birthday present there was a little bit of a letdown afterwards. Same thing with all big successes. Even if you made ten billion dollars last year next year you'll want more. Materialism or do you have a soul. Serving others is critical. All the basics here are critical. As in achieving critical thinking and so much more.
I used to be so popular in the 2000's and by 2010 was when I cut everyone off and disappeared. I will never have a useless friendship ever again. Either I gain something or we're moving on. I'm also willing to share with a person & help them, but, I'm not picking up problems and opening doors for people without receiving anything in return. I've changed lots of lives & opened plenty of doors with nothing in return and the worst, absolute WORST feeling is when they cut me off after I've lead them into that path. I'm not mad at them for it, I'm mad at myself for putting into someone that had nothing to offer me in return. People have smiled in my face and pretended to be my friend just so they cant take from me, and then turn into my enemy within a blink of an unsuspected eye. Moving forward, its all transactional. I'm not bitter, not resentful, not angry. I'm only disappointed in myself for not being an opportunist.
The people I've dealt qith didn't maliciously use me BUT I get nothing from them and they get everything from me. I don't learn from them. I don't grow with them. They arent in positions to give me advice. They constantly want to trauma dump and get my advice but not take it. I guess they're cool and funny sometimes but I'm done with useless relationships. I have a huge family of people who offer me absolutely nothing but a nice meal and giggle. I'm not taking on anymore causes.
These are the things we should be teaching our children way before an “education”. Teaching meditation and proper breathing techniques would help too. Our society is so backwards because we worship money over happiness.
Just the act of struggling to find happiness brings happiness. We make mistakes we succeed we cannot know one without the other. Time nor tides of the ocean will ever wait for mankind. Mother nature plays her tune and we attempt to listen. words are pale actions rule the Day. Your actions your day.
Very true! To be happy in life...just spend time with the people you love and those who love you. All other activities are to get income so you can feed yourself and your family.
It’s called the self help industry and it’s a billion dollar industry here in the U.S. More than 20 thousand books have been written on the subject of happiness. Thjs guy’s book, included. Somehow he’s more credible because he teaches at Harvard, is connected to Oprah, etc… He’s a self marketer and he’s good at it. I like his notion of useless friend because I’ve been practicing it my entirely life. I’ve known people who thought I was boring g because I was useless. They didn’t understand the difference between transactional and relational. I remain useless and I have no friends.
Falling in love and loving someone are NOT the same. Falling in love is an attachment to how someone makes us feel, and love is choosing to be with another person keep trying, growing, building and seeking harmony and understanding with the other. And relationships of all sorts require love. And successful romantic relationships grow PAST the hormonal fixes rather than getting stuck in the attachment phase.
You are part of a 0.0001% of women who actually knows this. 99.9% of women see a man as a tool, a useful dude who can protect her and take care of her problems and as soon as they don't feel in love with him anymore they discard him (80% of divorce is initiated by women). There is a book about what you just said, called , Love is a Story.
Family is the most underrated resource in most people's lives. Faith is a fickle thing for some. For many others thankfully it is just as easy as drawing the next breath there will be no conscious thought per-say required about said faith. Like the fish in the ocean you will be swimming and it. Kind of like you are now😅. With eyes ears arms hearts and minds wide open. You're already communicating it to yourself just tune it in a little bit.
i don't underrate family as a concept, but some families can't be spent time with if the person wants to pursue happiness, they have to drop family. Agree on the faith thing.
@@future-75 I agree with your words. The word family holds many meanings for many people. Obviously in my opinion you do not need to be related by marriage or blood to be a member of a family. My animal companions in this Walk of Life are the greatest family and friends, I've had the honor to share my life with. It's Justin in general because people often get used to their family and overlook them in many cases when their family could be the one to help them through something trivial or something major. But you are right family does not mean the same to everyone and certainly cannot be expected to. Here's to your family and your living spirits.
Ive got no faith and no friends and didnt feel better when I had them. My faith was a trap and my friends talked about me behind my back. I dont need that.
Lost me at "the smell of the turkey is evidence of Thanksgiving dinner." The smell of the turkey is evidence of carnage, and of a depraved culture that equates that with happiness.
what he is missing here is that there is a base level of economic stability that is required. you have a ratio of 400 to one app from 20 to 1 CEO to worker pay in the Auto industry. immense corporate greed, resulting in people, struggling to raise their kids with good food, afford activities, and having the time to spend with the family, the esoteric calls he states fall a little flat. Maslow’s hierarchy.
“Real friends are useless” means that the friendship doesn’t benefit you in a materialistic or transactional way. Hence, not a transactional friendship. Real friendship is about emotional support, honesty, and intimacy, or as he said, love. I’m blessed to have real friends and this is a great reminder to renew these relationships 🥰
@@rafaelw8115 because it’s unconditional
@@rafaelw8115 don't have to be so literal. point is not to think "what do I get out of this person" as a basis for friendship.
@@rafaelw8115It’s more about how these relationships make you FEEL, not what you “get”, and honestly, it’s when we’re giving more than we’re receiving that it really feels the most fulfilling and therefore, happy. 😁
True happiness isn’t dependent on anyone, Loving yourself will put you in a state of happiness because it’s the only thing you can control.
@@MJLOVEnow seems close, but actually misses the boat entirely: the whole point of friendship is there's no sense of whether we're giving/receiving at all, the discourse /interaction simply flows without any tension. I have a lifelong acqutainance who has always been a pill, and he';s gotten infinitely worse over midlife. He sees and operates w/ ppl as transactions even though he puts on a front of "empathy" which is 100% false.
Real friends are very hard to come by…so if you have one you are a very lucky person.
Real friends are the “useless” people in your life. The one that doesn’t have materialistic things to offer or connections that are helpful for one’s career, the one you just enjoy spending time with. Too often people “connect” or move on based on “transactional value”. Time and even relationships have become commodities.
Yes. Even the term "friends with benefits" is a much used term these days. I have always disliked it.
Love,Friendship and realation just have become just another comodity in this consumerism,capitalist, individualistic and materialistic world. This diseases came from west and we lost collectivity, unity, traditional family values ,family love, and genuine frendship।
well said!
@hcatapang186 Shared burden is needed less and less, especially for knowledge.
I love my dog. I truly really love him so much it fills my heart and makes me happy.
Having a pet is a very fulfilling and adds much love to your life. Love without conditions is the only love worthwhile.
@@spotonnls3538 no, he does not. Dogs that are not well looked after bark when once again left alone staring the walls 24/24. I am committed to looking after my dog and seeing his needs are met.
Oh dogs are so great. They are little happiness machines 😊😊😊
@@ah3738 so true, all creatures are
Dogs are the best!
By far, one of the BEST, most relevant discussions I’ve listened to in AGES. And it made total sense to me. Bless you both - and kudos to MSNBC for giving 12 minutes of airtime to a discussion unrelated to politics.
Following the sheep to keep the cotton and money rolling
Check out talks by David Brooks. They are so much better.
00:04:15 Thus you have to pay the extortionate tuition fee, among other efforts, first before they reverse the script and tell you as a member of society what they've been motivating you to do since kindergarten is useless all along. Sounds like society is sacked by irrelevant narcissists that pollute all levels. This is precisely the reason why a person doesn't authority for no reason. These types of costs.
This guy is a shady salesman and a neo-conservative (he has the same old capitalist drivel in stock to sell as well - this is political!). Just some rebranding of known trivia and confusing terminology, like defining 'true friendship' as the opposite of how the whole world used to understand this term. I don't trust anyone promoted by Oprah. The hole self-help industry is a scam anyway.
It’s called self-help and it’s a billion dollar industry
My formula is: Pursue truth no matter how unpleasant it is. If your happiness is based on errors, it will collapse sooner or later; see the flashy and photogenic lifestyles and personality as the blind, mindless, cultish worship of imagery over content; be satisfied with minimal material and social needs; ultimately you are your own best friend; have a strong sense of what justice and fairness are (reduces chances of exploitation by others) last but not least - help, heal, and uplift those in most need of it.
I agree
My wife and I are quite literally polar opposites on just on everything. Must be love, we've been together for 33yrs!
The term "opposites attract" really should be "opposites fulfill". 😮 Congratulations.
I'm not just a Uniform
Wow....the best and genuine interviewer and host i've ever seen..... everything is not fake after all in the media world.
I go for a 2 or 3 mile walk every day, I never take my phone but I see a lot of people on my walk glued to theirs. I use it to clear my head, go over what I want to do that day and just take in the day. There's an author Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. that I read when I was going through a failed engagement after 8 years of dating. It's really a great series of books that if you're interested in why we hook up with the one we do and why we often fail and also how to hopefully keep it together with the one you love.
I have no cell phone. When I walk down the street, if a stranger standing next to me picks up their ringing phone, I always say, “If that’s for me, tell them I’m not here.”
@@rikfriday6079 I just bought my first cell phone this year and ONLY because our laundry room machines require an app to pay for laundry! Otherwise I probably wouldn't have bought it, I have no cell service and don't plan on getting any either.
Well ... think your better than those ppl isnt helping.
I just ordered 2 of his books on Amazon based on your recommendation. I hope they will be good
@@vicadegboye684 They are good, it's a lot to take into account and can be hard in practice. They did help me heal after a devistating break up.
Over the years my real friends have died and it's so difficult to replace them. To be honest it's hard work. 'chi trova un amico/a trova un tesoro' translated from italian means ' he who finds a true friend finds a trasure' SO TRUE!
Yes it's hard, but we have to keep working at it.
The most Profound line ....'REAL FRIENDS ARE USELESS' ....YOU ARE WITH THEM FOR THE LOVE OF THEM & NOT TO GAIN ANYTHING MATERIALISTIC ...! .......A very deep deep line indeed !
The self help industry is a gaslighting mess.
it's ridiculous all you need is stoic philosophy wisdom of the ages
Buddha’s eightfold path contains right action, right speech and right occupation. Totally in alignment with this conversation. Amen. 🇬🇧
Nobody and nothing make you happy. Happiness is You. Happiness is Life. Happiness is Living In the Moment.
It's all about Love. Love, Light and Life are all the same frequency. If you are in the frequency of love, you will also be happy because you are filled with LIGHT and LIFE. Friends, relatives, faith all bring that out in us, teaching us to love unconditionally until one day we are able to look at ourselves and achieve full unconditional SELF LOVE. That's what this is really about. Thanks for a great 12 minutes!
Unconditional love is a joke! Life is "What have you done for me lately?" Love is something you work at. When you quit working at it... love dies.
“The religion of your youth”
Well put.
Amen. I’m a daily meditator that has a beautiful family and real friends!!!
Had a lot of real friends before watching this video. Then I told them they are completely useless. Now I have no real friends😢.
3:00 *Faith, family, friends and work that serves other people.*
0:39: 😊 Happiness is not a feeling, but something more tangible than feelings.
2:45: ! The video discusses the defeatist checklist of things that would make someone happy, and emphasizes that happiness is a direction, not a destination.
4:54: 💡 The importance of having real friends and not just transactional relationships.
7:33: ! The importance of love, diversity, and human connection in a technologically-driven world.
9:35: 💡 The importance of having real friends and staying in touch with family.
Recap by Tammy AI
🤩
❤
Curses can become blessings & blessings become curses with time & perspective. Life is cumulative. You tend to remember the struggles more than the triumph.
Faith, family, friends and work that serves others
Except if our family sucks
Oh my goodness. I really wish people would listen to this man. This is something I ave been saying for literally years.
As a Taoist, I applaud this book and agree with all four of the principles of happiness as discussed. Amen. 🇬🇧
Amen is for Christianity
Goober.
Goober.
@@AlwaysAwesome001
Goober, goober, yourself.
I would say, put it in a time capsule, so that humanity that comes after us, because we are lost since we let it slip away, can use this as a guideline in developing their society. For now this only for the happy few.
@@leoniedejong9549
👆👆
Slipping away? 🤔
You speak fluent cowardness. ✅
🇺🇸 hasn't even begun to flex
its muscle on this EVIL.
🇺🇸💕😇👍
'Friends will always let you down" : my mother. It sounds miserable but it is the opposite - it frees you from disappointment and bitterness. There will always be times when you think you need something, and your friend is going some other way.
Thank you so much for this, watched and decided to call my Aunt who I've been apart from for years because of political divide as it has taken a lot of families. Spoke just now for an hour and it was everything! ALL love! life is short call your family
I love Stephanie. Please keep your job!😊
This guy is correct. I have known it since I was very very young, I call it common sense. priceless.
I call it uncommon sense or the road less traveled. It works.
This man really had a lot to offer . a Great guest and it drives me Nuts when the Host wants to talk over the guest . I believe having Purpose is more important than "Happiness".
"If I had a prayer, it would be this: 'God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.'" ~Byron Katie. This quote changed my life forever. My anxiety plummeted, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. We run into problems when we expect other people, especially friends/family, to treat us a certain way. We cannot look to others for peace, happiness. Side note: I only heard Byron Katie on Oprah's radio show years back. It's too bad she didn't have her back on. I think it's too much for a lot of people. We are so addicted to suffering that we think we must suffer or there is something wrong with us. It's the other way around, but most of us don't see life this way.
hmm, sounds like you may want to look in buddhism.
covers these topics in depth.
Her books are very good . The work especially
Without love, approval and appreciation, a baby wouldn't survive. None of us would be here.
Thank you for sharing this❤
Lot of nonsense. Most people don't walk around anguished about getting/not getting others' approval or affection.
I appreciate the conversation and the work that went into writing this book. The concepts presented are nothing new, just a new way presenting it that will land for people who need and want to learn it.
Thank you Arthur’s Brooks!
What a beautiful interview…..thanks for this👏🏽
Happiness is by definition an emotion.
I’m sorry but having enough money to quit having to work for the corporate elite would provide society far more happiness than any of his points combined.
Stephanie Ruhle is a great interviewer for this guest. Brooks is everywhere these days and I try to catch every interview I can. I loved how these two people leaned in toward each other while they spoke together.
Not only do we need to interact with people in person like they're explaining, but what happens during the first four minutes of contact has something to do with what happens in your mind every 4 seconds as well. The mind is a terrible thing to waste but an easy thing to invest in.
Arthur is the best! So glad he’s getting so much press!👏🏽👌🏽🥂
Faith, family, friends, purpose 😊❤ aka LOVE
Thank you for bringing these things to light many people forget that the basics are called basics because the basics for a reason.
This guy really is like: "my students tell me what makes them happy, and I tell them they are wrong." He rejects the idea that different people have different things that makes them happy. He says satisfaction comes through struggling to accomplish something, but for many people that's not a satisfying feeling, that's just doing something hard that they need to do to survive or keep a job, and happiness for them might come from taking time to clear their mind so they can reflect and recharge. He says happiness comes from interacting with people, but for people who have been abused all their life trying to forge interactions with people might be overwhelmingly stressful with no tangible benefits in sight. I agree that his assessment of what corporate media has told us we need to pursue to make us happy is problematic. But his rejection of what different people might need to make them happy is problematic. For some, following this guy's recommendations would make them stressed out and miserable.
Therapy, I can vouch for that. I come from an abusive family and was abused and abandoned as a child and teen. Granted some may not respond to therapy or meds, that is sad but it does happen.
I couldn't agree more, I don't find anything he says that's enlightening or makes happiness more attainable.
Agree. Some of us don't have much family left to call. Some of us have been betrayed by "real friends" and find it challenging to make new friends, especially as we age. He makes it sound simple and reductionist. It sounds like his research was done solely in the ivory tower of Harvard. Not with large samples of people from throughout the population and various cultures. Of course Oprah would be drawn to this type of pop psychology.
I'd like to encourage you all to expand your ideas of what qualifies as family and friends; family might be chosen rather than biological and friends don't have to be human. Jane Goodall would certainly call the gorillas she worked with friends, and quite nearly family even. Joy can come from genuine earthling interactions across species, such as a pet cat or dog. Therapy dogs are real. In fact, caring for an animal can fulfill most of the items on his checklist if you really try to listen to the animal and connect with it and take care of it; it's a real friend, not just a deal friend.
This is not a criticism of you, cg2642, just an observation. Everybody always blames "the corporate media," and I get that. They shape our conversations. But isn't that happening here, with Brooks talking about the book? Just a thought.
I agree that some people need challenges to overcome and make some big or personal difference. I would ask if the relief of completing any task results in happiness, vs. doing the task. And interacting with people for a form of happiness? When was the last time you had an interaction with somebody who wasn't thinking of something else or in a rush? Asking for a friend.
Absolutely LOVED this interview.
In the conversation they just laid out why Finland is the happiest country in the world, without mentioning the country's name of course. Finland is famous for the sincere, serious, reliable, honest people, who make real friends and does it slowly, because family and old friends come first, and their silent church is their relationship with Nature, and they thrive in their special life-work balance, where their emphasis is on quality and being useful, more than status and bling. Finns are living the life they want and they don't want to exchange it for another - that is: most of them are happy with what they have, love, and are.
Something fascinating… you said “life-work” balance. In the US, we say “work-life” - and that says everything about our priorities.
I’m changing it from now on.
@@Soistoi-meme Oh, thanks a lot. I actually did it on purpose and I'm so glad you like it. Maybe more people will do it, too, I hope. - We work to live, not live to work, if it is not a life-purpose, of course, like Jane Goodall's or Rachel Carson's.
Ty for this powerful and meaningful episode. I agree with everything said about happiness. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🇬🇧
Yes narcissist dont have real friends. Thats why its for the viewers
@@Gabedudley1Troll!
😂😂😂
@@picholoup says the troll. Programmed to project. You dont even realize it do you? Narcissist never do
I have a friend who is neither a real friend nor a deal friend. Spend a lot of time together and totally useless. Only takes takes takes and almost no giving at all. I’be decided to keep it a nice distance going forward and be at peace with it. 😇
That person is not a friend at all. That person is a taker.
I like this guy a lot. Seems genuine and i like his work.
I don't feel like I suffered that much now thank you for the book. Irreplaceable.
I enjoy my volunteer work far more than my job. I always look forward to it and feel much better even after a rough week. If I didn't need the money, I would be much happier spending time elsewhere. This video really resonated with me and I will keep his words in mind during my job search. Thank you.
Thank you, I know the loss of friends and the need for friends
Great show. The guest spoke well and not too slow or fast. I admire hosts who do it well.
Fantastic discussion and interview. Now I need to start making some phone calls!
Crazy Teresa called me last night going on and on about orange man bad 😂
@@Gabedudley1
Teresa's not THAT crazy.
@@mimsyborogove3906 anybody who tunes into msdnc state propaganda is either crazy or a proud commie
@@mimsyborogove3906
Teresa is a dude! 🤣
@@AlwaysAwesome001it takes a Sane mind to recognize insanity.
Very impressed by her interviewing and his presentation. Both were great .
I found her slightly annoying. 😊
"real friends are useless..." so awesomely true. My best friend is as close as anyone could be and yet... totally useless.
Same here. Funny how that works.
Because democrats are conformed into narcissist. Almost impossible for them to have lasting relationships
How can you define an authentic relationship as useless?
I know, the Professor is talking about "useless" friends in a material sense...they can't help you get a job, introduce you to your dream date, or loan you money when you're hard up, but they make a real difference in your life.
Wild generalizations like these--even if they are actually well expressed--are useless. You need to let go of your obvious contempt for people who do not share your political views.@@Gabedudley1
@@MICHAELJAMESBAYNE everything they call trump is merely a projection of themselves. Its beyond obvious at this point.
I just love this Professor. 😊
What about people who are only happy when left alone to do their own single person activities? I'm only happy when left alone to do my own thing, ALONE. We're all different.
I get that.
*_this guy in the video never talked to people like you (or me ... ) bc we'd never participate in a group study._*
bc "group."
his results are garbage - self-selecting OUT people like you (and me ... )
you be you. the guy in the video is wrong. it's YOUR life.
Have you ever considered that that is not healthy, and perhaps something you need to work on?
I'm much happier doing things alone too. Being around others all the time only drains me and diminishes my quality of life.
@@Alz98 I'm the only one who holds MY fishing pole, though MY knowledge comes thru the overall collective. But only I alone can use the learned skills to become a real tangential event in my journey through this life. GLHF
@@Alz98 have YOU ever considered that not everyone needs outside validation?
and that perhaps that's something you need to work on?
my stars, _DO YOU NOT EVEN HEAR HOW NEEDY YOU ARE?!?_
Thank you for having this great guest on. I have had a great deal of pain and loss, in m long life, but It is the Core of my Spiritual Being that has kept me happy in spite of it all.. I just had a triple bypass heart surgery three days ago and I feel great because I am plugged into my Source. I am NOT religious, but totally Spiritual. There are no borders or boundaries to Love; truly, LOVE is Infinite! You CAN choose to be happy if you are willing to drop your cynicism and envy in Life!
Timestamp: 10:40 1) Are you truly earning your success? 2) Are you truly adding value with your life and helping others to lift them up?
The more I listen to Brooks I am convinced we have to change the society we created. The system is pushing us all down.
As soon as someone says "friends and family" are the answer to happiness the grain of salt im taking them with gets even smaller.
Faith, family, friends, work that serves others. If there are no family/friends, well, he doesn't say that the 4 things are equally weighted. I think it depends on the person and life circumstances. Having good Faith and good work would be at least half way there, and maybe lead to a lot more.
Respect to Arthur for making it through talking to her for 45 minutes before the interview and respect to her for recognizing the burden of that.
I think the speaker Dr. Brooks is talking about Joy, having a purpose that comes from within not from external things or circumstances.
That was only one point...the other points all have to do with external interaction with others
Real friends are not transactional. There is reciprocation in the being each other's presence.
This is a Wisdom classneeded all school levels.
We need this for a better america.
Ya, funny thing about all this: I grew up in an era and a place where, as youth, we were told to pursue our lives in a way that would make us happy. So, when we did society called us Slackers and Lazy and actually harmful to society because we were creating a path for ourselves that fell outside the 'NORMS' of how to be and adult and responsible, etc.
It takes Oprah to co-sign some Harvard professor, who is using concepts that were poo-poo'd by western civilization (concepts from Buddhism and from Eastern cultures or just non-western civilization, ie white folks) to bring these simple ideas into the "NORM"??
Funny how these things go. Yes, the western world is sooooo superior to everything else... hahahahahahahahahaha
You could not be more right.
Yes. It is ridiculous that very old concepts are repackaged and presented as profound, new revelations.
@@michaelarnold7503their new because people haven't thought of them before the people that can learn from this pretty novel if you think about
Why fight it when it works. The best part is that it's being brought to light here in what we call Western civilization.
@@williampride6008they're or they are. Dummy
What he’s saying is so true!!
Please stop using the word useless. Words matter. Meaningful friendship, authentic relationships between friends would be an improvement.
yes that was unnecessary
Words are the reflection of your mindset, your thoughts,
your environment....
I like Professor Brooks. I'd like to take a class with him.
All this work but not if you are poor and have actual survival problems.. " just pick a book tomorrow" is such a classist and privileged "tip for happiness"
Thank you endlessly
A good book, cup of coffee, cat purring, regular exercise, family, friends, and creative work. That does it for me.
He presents his work very well, it’s trained. You can tell he practices what he teaches. He is the one of the most successful businessmen of our era. He’s successfully sold happiness. Usually when people sell, “self help” guides or biographies, they’re met with positive feedback and an equal negative response. His responses are more positive, I’d say 90/10. I’m glad to see people becoming more aware of their environments, experiences, growths etc
Given that Harvard is where some of the most extreme right wing congressmen received their education, what went wrong?
Happiness is a state of being
*Making happy makes happy❣️*
I loved it when Arthur said just like Grandma would have told you
What a great guy, and message!
“We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it.
The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.
All art is quite useless.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray [Re: real friends being "useless"]
I made the same connection!
One of my favorite books (and authors).
Real friends are priceless!
Full respect.
This approach is completely unrealistic for some people, like me. Yes, I have faith & friends, but I do not have any family, so calling someone everyday is not possible. And, I would love more than anything to have the job of my dreams, but realistically, I need a healthy paycheque to afford rent, food, transportation, insurance, etc, etc. I suppose I could do my dream job and live on the streets. Would that be true happiness? 🤷🏼♀️
It’s nonsense anyway. What really makes this guy happy is selling more books. That’s the only reason he’s doing this interview.
Your thinking is 100% spot on. Agree totally. I heard enough psychobabble to last 100 lifetimes.
so, the suggestion is to work towards feeling satisfaction in whatever service you're able to do others.
@@reason6835
You ARE cynical. How many people have gotten to what they think is the pinnacle of success and then felt let down? A quote from David Bowie's song FAME...once you get there things are hollow.
@@eddenoy321
It's not psycho-babble. If you really think about it, what everyone really wants, once basic physical needs are met, is to be loved and to love, inclusive of, but not limited to, romantic love. We all want at least someone to be aware that we exist and appreciate the fact.
All my good friends were useless and still are. But they all are honest. i like my friends of 20-30 years.
I am 72. How would I have gotten this far in my life without the grace of my dear friends and loved ones? I have an active friend from when I was four. I remember the day we met. We talked last Friday. I have a dear friend from age 14. We had lunch yesterday. I have a friend from age 16, we worked together at my first part time job. What an angel she is! I have another friend from age 18, we were out last Monday. Then there is my twin sister, who I have known since our egg split. Go on, fella. Real friends are NOT what you claim.
I think you may have misunderstood his point: he was saying that real friends are not our transactional relationships.
Good for you. You have loved ones around you. You truly don't need a book written by a Harvard professor and commercialized by Oprah.
I don't think you watched the video
What would your advice be for someone who doesn't really feel comfortable with his own family and has trouble making friends? Thanks.
@@alanc7772 well, therapy. "Comfort" is a vague term, an outcome term. so start therapy to help narrow down the issue to find out the cause and if its is them or you. Then take necessary steps, baby steps to begin with, to go towards the outcome you want.
Completely agree with Brooks about social media.
I have a Facebook account but am rarely on it and don’t make any posts about myself. I mainly follow FB pages that are groups about subjects I am interested in (Atheism and a few sports teams).
IMO social media does way more harm than good. It has also been a factor in the ending of some of my relationships although they were having issues apart from social media.
Self checkouts are the antithesis of happiness.
Yes!
When you say "self checkouts," do you mean observing yourself and how you're doing by society's standards?
Speak for yourself - I like getting out of the store faster 😂
I'm too technological resistant to use those things, but I'm glad some people can.@@GerryRR
There's a difference between happiness and joy.
Investing like Arthur Brooks is saying here is critical. Remember after you got those Christmas presents for that birthday present there was a little bit of a letdown afterwards. Same thing with all big successes. Even if you made ten billion dollars last year next year you'll want more. Materialism or do you have a soul. Serving others is critical. All the basics here are critical. As in achieving critical thinking and so much more.
Many people don't even have the material necessities. This is just Oprah hogwash.
She blinded me with science. Poetry in motion.
I used to be so popular in the 2000's and by 2010 was when I cut everyone off and disappeared. I will never have a useless friendship ever again. Either I gain something or we're moving on. I'm also willing to share with a person & help them, but, I'm not picking up problems and opening doors for people without receiving anything in return. I've changed lots of lives & opened plenty of doors with nothing in return and the worst, absolute WORST feeling is when they cut me off after I've lead them into that path. I'm not mad at them for it, I'm mad at myself for putting into someone that had nothing to offer me in return. People have smiled in my face and pretended to be my friend just so they cant take from me, and then turn into my enemy within a blink of an unsuspected eye. Moving forward, its all transactional. I'm not bitter, not resentful, not angry. I'm only disappointed in myself for not being an opportunist.
Exactly
The people I've dealt qith didn't maliciously use me BUT I get nothing from them and they get everything from me. I don't learn from them. I don't grow with them. They arent in positions to give me advice. They constantly want to trauma dump and get my advice but not take it. I guess they're cool and funny sometimes but I'm done with useless relationships. I have a huge family of people who offer me absolutely nothing but a nice meal and giggle. I'm not taking on anymore causes.
Hi. This happens to me also . It is hard.
Good interview 👍🏻 More of this on the news.
These are the things we should be teaching our children way before an “education”. Teaching meditation and proper breathing techniques would help too. Our society is so backwards because we worship money over happiness.
Unagi... Spoken like a true self-aware happy and growing person thank you.
Just the act of struggling to find happiness brings happiness. We make mistakes we succeed we cannot know one without the other. Time nor tides of the ocean will ever wait for mankind. Mother nature plays her tune and we attempt to listen. words are pale actions rule the Day. Your actions your day.
Very true! To be happy in life...just spend time with the people you love and those who love you. All other activities are to get income so you can feed yourself and your family.
Frau Fuhle sieht naturlich aus....not to much face changes....
Excellent interview! Both the interviewer and interviewee.
Sometimes your friends will bring you down
It’s called the self help industry and it’s a billion dollar industry here in the U.S. More than 20 thousand books have been written on the subject of happiness. Thjs guy’s book, included. Somehow he’s more credible because he teaches at Harvard, is connected to Oprah, etc… He’s a self marketer and he’s good at it. I like his notion of useless friend because I’ve been practicing it my entirely life. I’ve known people who thought I was boring g because I was useless. They didn’t understand the difference between transactional and relational. I remain useless and I have no friends.
True....and he sounds like a salesman. He talks a bit too fast.
Falling in love and loving someone are NOT the same. Falling in love is an attachment to how someone makes us feel, and love is choosing to be with another person keep trying, growing, building and seeking harmony and understanding with the other. And relationships of all sorts require love. And successful romantic relationships grow PAST the hormonal fixes rather than getting stuck in the attachment phase.
You are part of a 0.0001% of women who actually knows this. 99.9% of women see a man as a tool, a useful dude who can protect her and take care of her problems and as soon as they don't feel in love with him anymore they discard him (80% of divorce is initiated by women). There is a book about what you just said, called , Love is a Story.
Real happiness also comes from being economically secure, but that message doesnt tend to play as well on feel good daytime talkshow segment
Family is the most underrated resource in most people's lives. Faith is a fickle thing for some. For many others thankfully it is just as easy as drawing the next breath there will be no conscious thought per-say required about said faith. Like the fish in the ocean you will be swimming and it. Kind of like you are now😅. With eyes ears arms hearts and minds wide open. You're already communicating it to yourself just tune it in a little bit.
i don't underrate family as a concept, but some families can't be spent time with if the person wants to pursue happiness, they have to drop family. Agree on the faith thing.
@@future-75 I agree with your words. The word family holds many meanings for many people. Obviously in my opinion you do not need to be related by marriage or blood to be a member of a family. My animal companions in this Walk of Life are the greatest family and friends, I've had the honor to share my life with. It's Justin in general because people often get used to their family and overlook them in many cases when their family could be the one to help them through something trivial or something major. But you are right family does not mean the same to everyone and certainly cannot be expected to. Here's to your family and your living spirits.
Ive got no faith and no friends and didnt feel better when I had them. My faith was a trap and my friends talked about me behind my back. I dont need that.
Lost me at "the smell of the turkey is evidence of Thanksgiving dinner." The smell of the turkey
is evidence of carnage, and of a depraved culture that equates that with happiness.
See he made you face your own bias of hate and you weren't able to overcome it. He helped you, you are just too weak ,lost in agenda,to realize it.
This was really good. One of the best I’ve heard.
what he is missing here is that there is a base level of economic stability that is required. you have a ratio of 400 to one app from 20 to 1 CEO to worker pay in the Auto industry. immense corporate greed, resulting in people, struggling to raise their kids with good food, afford activities, and having the time to spend with the family, the esoteric calls he states fall a little flat. Maslow’s hierarchy.
I know there's more important things in life is family ❤️ and friends and helping others