Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? What tips would you give to someone currently in one on how to get out. Let's help each other! Comment below
I went through pretty much the same exact things as you except I'm not sure if he ever cheated on me. There's only one or 2 times where I thought maybe he did cheat. Coming from a broken home where I was abused mentally, sexually, and emotionally, it was super easy for me to fall for someone who "loved" me when I never felt loved or wanted.
I have been in toxic relationships since childhood dealing with narcissists and ended up attracting another narcissist and stayed for 7 years, but I have grown since then and learned so much from the experience. I'm much stronger and wiser because of it. I found self love, self confidence and self worth. The level up is REAL!!!
Pay attention to the red flags and stop giving them excuses for their toxic behavior because at the end of the day, you're enabling their behavior and not letting them being accountable for their actions/behavior.
@@hi-jo5py Yes i mean you have deep connections because you're able to express yourself at a level that lets your partner know there is mutual feeling there. Alot of people never get that certainty. However, it's frustrating when you want someone to express themselves in this manner in return and they have problems. Unfortunately thats how the majority of people are, or they're afraid and hide their feelings.
I'm in a toxic relationship I'm saving up to get my own place so I can leave. I've been emotionally done with him for a while and I cant wait to be single
your partner is a reflection of you..they will trigger you and show you your subconscious programs that you need to overcome..whether it’s guilt, shame, feeling like your not good enough or worthy of happiness etc..you have to heal from your traumas and truly love yourself before settling down or you’ll keep getting the same results.
“I choose to stay .. I was needy .. I hated him as a person I wasn’t happy for him I didn’t want good things to happen to him but I was in love with him in a form of this addiction” wow so relatable 😖
It's so upsetting that I watch these videos and see such a strong, independent, confident and articulate woman and find out you were once treated in such a despicable way by someone. Never let anyone convince you you are less than what you are.
Yeah, and the work only counts as positive as long as all involved are actively cooperating and working together, dead weights, aka. Toxic people, doesn't do work by definition. And the only suffering that's acceptable is that caused by external factors where the people in the relationship is volounteering to share the load, such as loss of a parent to old age etc.
Shan I just left my 8 yr relationship at 26 and I just want to say thank you time and time again you have instilled a little strength in me through your words each fkn time ❤️🥑
Awww im goiin thru literally the same thing exactly , 8 years done just two weeks ago. It's super hard but for the best. It getting a little easier day by day. Stay strong beautiful! ♥
Ladies... I feel so close to being done! 5 years in, 1 year of marriage and it's just constant arguing and days without speaking to each other. He can hold a grudge. I literally wish I could grow balls overnight! 💔😢
@@maritzaplaza2394 I’m not married but I just left a relationship of 9 years. I felt so drained I couldn’t take it no more. I’ve been losing weight going work unhappy but now it’s my time to shine ✨
I was born into the middle of this kind of toxic relationship. It reverberates down through generations. If you won't leave for yourself, 💔leave for the little ones.💕 Leave before the little ones.💖
Just dumped my toxic abusive boyfriend. Ofc it was hard and yeah, I've been crying since then but I had to do it. For myself. And I know that someday when things will finally fall into places, I'll thank myself for what I did today.
I left mine when I realized I was participating in the abuse, by willing to receive it. If I take my self away, he loses his power. And I gain mine. I was giving him permission to abuse me.
I was with a narcissist for 3-4 years, I didn't learn about what narcissistic personaility disorders are until towards the end of our last breakup. 😏 When you come out the other side it, it is crazy to think of the things you went through. I found a channel that was so informative on npd and I was shocked, at the time, to find that it really is a thing (because everything said lined up with my experience) and about just how common it is. I think the biggest misconception about being with an abusive person, is when people say bullshit like "you chose to stay". People don't understand that emotional and mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Obviously what person in their right mind would stay with an abuser, right? When somebody has abused and isolated you so you feel like you have no one and are alone, broken you down and over time has formed that trauma bond, it is not easy to just "walk away".
I'd say that in some ways, psychological abuse is worse, because it trains and forces the person targeted to participate in abusing themselves in the hope of appeasement and leniency and internalise a sense of spiritual debt, an original sin owed to the perpetrator.
Absolutely. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and he made me start doubting myself and manipulated me to think there was something wrong with me, not him. Although I am slowly healing I still have days where I have low confidence in myself because of how he always made me feel inferior.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
When I tell someone “We’re not compatible” they always made me feel stupid like “what do you mean???” I think it’s pretty self explanatory “People are subconsciously manipulative” Shallon Lester.
It's crazy because it becomes so apparent the relationship was shit once you are out but when you're in it it's like you have blinders on. The one part about you going through his computer I can really relate to. I became a snoop because I knew something wasn't right and that's likely why you did it as well. As that was never a part of my character in past relationships or even with him until I was years in and could feel that something was going on. Great video Shannon!
My heart was breaking the entire time while watching this because it made me realize that if I have a similar sitting with myself I'd realize how unhappy I am in my current relationship.
I had an ex keep in communication with their most recent ex. My intuition said that something was odd, so did the whole snooping and found hundreds of naked pictures. When confronted, they stopped speaking to me AND just went back to their ex. No remorse or accountability. It was INSANE! I felt insecure the whole time relationship, like I could never do or be enough. Looking back I saw the signs and no matter how strong a connection/potential I should have left!
Ugh my ex and I have been “breaking up” for several months. If that doesn’t say toxic idk what does. I’m just starting this video but hopefully this is what I need to finally let go of a man that has been less than deserving of my love and forgiveness. I love him but I know he’s gotta go after all these years
I can relate! I finally left and it’s only been a month but this has been the longest I’ve gone without any communication and honestly it’s so much healthier for your mental health. The constant back and forths can’t be good for the mind and body
I actually found you through a hater named Loni Love on the real, anyway forget that...I am addicted to how open you are, I purchased your book and to me it's astonishing how our haters actually promote us as well! Thank you so much for your openness. You are so incredibly real and I love that! Thank you.
i love this representation of having a mental reflection/conversation with yourself! You're so creative p.s. be careful people. toxic relationships can occur in "friendships" too
How I wish I would've seen this kind of video 8 years ago. After 3 years of being in a toxic relationship and letting myself go so bad to the point of having suicidal thoughts I thank god I had enough courage to walk away. Unfortunately, I still get to see him because of our children but it feels good to say I have established boundaries and have learned to heal myself. Thank you for sharing your story Shan! You might be helping someone going through the same experience. 💕🙏🏽
brncvl how did it have your children reacted to your separation? And as a mom how are you dealing with explaining your children that you had to leave their father ??
Chiiiiiild, you described my last relationship to the "T" "hunty! I have been out of the relationship for 7 years but you hit the nail on the head when you said, "when he was happy you weren't happy for him." *mind blown*. If anybody is ever in this type of relationship, listen to this boody girl and take her advice. I couldn't have said it better myself 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
omg im gonna cry, i needed this. I can hear the pain in your voice when you speak because i am currently going through the same thing trying to find the strength to leave.
I really appreciated the part where you called out the bullshit cliché that states relationships are supposed to be work. Since I first heard that saying, I didn't understand it. Glad I'm not the only one to acknowledge how that quote has the potential to perpetuate abusive behaviour.
Lisa Ward I agree! Though I think usually when people say that they’re talking about how you have to learn to communicate effectively with your partner and make healthy compromises, things like that. The saying becomes a problem when people start using it to brush off selfish/dishonest behavior in order to save an unhealthy relationship
I'm sorry... I had to pause the video when you said the man spat on you... lawd have mercy... what is wrong with these men. I've had a ton of shitty relationships but if a man ever spat on me I'd either end in hospital, prison or in grave because we would have to fight. Ps this format of this video is GENIUS...GENIUS!!!!!
First off I want to say that I absolutely love everything about this video Shan! You mentioned the mean comments or “bombs” that he would drop on you. That kinda sounds like mental or emotional abuse and it is nice to hear how you overcame and go out of that relationship
watching this hurt, it felt like i was listening to my own story...this video truly is so fucking important and I know a lot of people needed to hear this, i needed to hear this...I’m thankful I was able to remove myself from my past toxic relationships and thrive in my new one..
Therapist Shan is brilliant with her listening/facial expressions.. I'm very glad im past this phase in my life.. self care is absolutely paramount no matter what you feel for other person. People treat you how you let them. Set the standard from early and be prepared to walk away when they violate your values.
Shannon, I just turned 18 and I really want to experience dating (the bad and the good). It would be amazing to see a video geared towards first time daters (and interviewing others) with things like whether or not irl or dating apps are better, and things like that. Just a thought. Also this video is amazing.
I know I'm a rando on the internet but one thing I can give you is this. Know thy self. Know your heart, know what you like and know what you hate. Find out what is important for you. Masturbate. If you don't know what you like you won't be able to detect terrible partners. Please use protection at all costs. No protection no sex. Especially if it's casual but also for a while in your relationship. Read about love, read about relationships,watch RUclips videos like Shan's. Also if something feels good for you don't let anyone shame you for it. Wish you luck
This was very transparent. Bottom line, you departed the toxic relationship. Learning experience of what to do and/or not to do. Continue to expound your self worth and the pursuit of happiness. Happy healing Shan.
A few months ago I ended a toxic relationship, my second one might I add. And after a while I realized I ignored the warning signs before it started. This video is a great truthful representation of how these relationships are. Thank you for being so beautifully honest
Whenever I broke up with my abusive boyfriend he would tell me the same thing “you don’t know how relationships work you have to work harder “ you can’t just give up. Now I know it didn’t have to be that hard and he was just making me feel guilty for not wanting to put up with his bs. Thank you so much for this video 🙏
I’m not going to lie I thought I’d never get over this relationship l was once in it was the hardest relationship that l had ever been in. When l say your girl went through it SHE went through it emotionally man... I don’t wish psychological abuse on NO one it’s no telling how someone can manage it through. I gave my ALL into my past relationship thinking it was going to end in marriage to find out that it was a third party. The depression was extreme idk how l made it out to be honest l give it to God as a lesson learned l will never allow my daughter to even give a person like that a second glance.. once that trust is broken KILL it ppl I don’t care how much you love them if they not making the effort give them the got damn door peridot!!
I can soooo relate. My advice is if you start seeing the red flags run run run as fast as you can! Yo ass better run like you're the ginger bread man 😂😂😂
OMG! What you mentioned around 10:55 - 11:22 is what my relationship with a 'friend' was like. I had to walk on eggshells around her as the slightest thing could result in an argument (these arguments happened nearly every week, usually via Whatsapp) & it got to a point where mentally it was affecting me. So because my mental health is important to me, I tried cutting off the friendship, but EVERY TIME I tried, she would call me a pussy, fake, flakey, a bitch etc because I was giving up on our friendship. Then she'd call me crying (fake crying cuz she'd be laughing) saying she's gona hurt herself which made me feel bad & so I continued being friends with her. Yesterday, I ended the friendship for good.
I am so proud of your honesty, bravery and real life experience. This hurts but I am overjoyed knowing you are out and have learned more about yourself and the love and respect you deserve. Leaving toxic relationships are not easy but to leave is freedom of your mind, body and spirit. Girl, thank you. I hear and see you. ♥️
I loved everything about this... I have to have a convo with my bf tonite... I've been scared to do it but all the red flags keep smackin me in the face so it's time to handle this
the mantras "You don't have patience for me" "You just don't understand me" "You just don't want to work at it" yup - F that. It is NOT supposed to be that hard. IF someone cant get along with you on the daily basis..and he/she is continuously disrespectful to you, your family and your friends for no reason... Leave
You mentioned rejection in this video. Would you be able to do a video on that and your experience? I have experienced that multiple times, as a female as well.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
I think it takes a lot of practice either speaking or writing about your experience.... At least from my experience. Because I'm also not great at expressing myself but I got better though talking more
I just talk lol my narcissistic ex hated my words. He said I was TOO DEEP, that my paragraphs bothered him. I told him to be grateful that I know how to write and speak on my emotions and make it crystal clear where WE stand 🤪
This sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine. It just got to a point where my soul was shattered into a million pieces and if I didn't leave I was going to end up committing suicide. I didn't have a lot of resources to walk away on my own, I had to have help to get the hell out, and it was the best thing I did for myself. When I was young I thought abuse was physical, and now I know that it can be emotional as well. Probably the best thing to come out of it is learning that I deserve to be treated a lot better than that.
REGRET Omg I have the same feeling! I have 2 amazing kids (and for this reason I wouldn’t change anything) from my married but I so regret the 17 years we spend together...the time I waste of my youth with my ex. But when people ask yes I always say I regret that lost time. Sending love ❤️
yea she just a regular ol interviewer, but yeah I think I had it in my mind that I'd cover that part with R. Kelly doc stuff but I forgot to go back and add it!!
That part, "There's things you have to go through to learn and things you can read about". I always go by that, I don't have to go through certain experiences to learn. Just paying attention to your surroundings, environments, books etc. can teach us a lot without the heartache or lost time. 💜👌
Wow I just went through this last year for 6 months. I kept telling myself the same things you would tell yourself- that you have to work hard in a relationship. I was the only person communicating in the relationship, he cheated on me, constantly put me down and told me that things that I believed in were stupid and a waste of time when he just had his own insecurities. I cried and cried and gradually as he was starting to put me down and disrespect me more and more I was fed up. He wanted to break up to "find himself" and I turned to him and said "I can't believe how much time and energy I've wasted on you" and slammed the car door and left. So many of the thoughts and emotions you went through I totally understand.
This video was perfect and came at the right time. I just got out of a toxic relationship a couple days ago. The red flags were there, we kept breaking up and getting back together. I honestly felt I was losing myself to accommodate him. He broke up with me and it was like a sigh of relief and I knew I was not going to get back with him after that. He called the same day talking about can I bring you food. I said no and that I don't want to be his friend, I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Thankfully it lasted only five months.
Shan, I have to say thank you. I've watched your videos for the longest time but I missed this one. You described the exact same experience that I had been living for the past 3 years. Yes, I watched many videos about toxic relationships but you were the only one to talk about certain things that I really needed to hear. A huge hug all the way from Brazil ❤
I never been in a relationship but this video really showed me not all of them are charming and magical and she broke this expection I had. Thankyou. And ofc that relates to what she said about things you can read not have to experience it.
I relate to this so much. I just got out of a toxic relationship about a month ago. I had wanted (and tried) to leave before but I kept making excuses and like you said, told myself we'd get through it and it was just a "tough time." Then things would be up and down, things would seem ok for a while, but then the cycle would just continue. When I got the courage to leave it felt very different from the time before. I had a certain confidence in what I was doing. I did not, and still have not, felt any form of sadness after leaving. I feel so much happier and like myself. Leaving a toxic relationship is NOT easy, though it seems like it should be. Once you find the strength to get out there's no going back.
Just ended my relationship with my narcissistic bf. I'm present to how I became in the relationship. Not healthy. The worst comes out when I was with him. Did not feel empowered. Always felt like I had to fix myself. Tip: listen to your gut, heart, body. You will know if the relationship is for you or not.. we want to make something work so bad because of ×. ( whatever x is that your telling yourself). Relationships are not hard there not easy as well, but it shouldn't take yourself away from yourself to make something happen. Forced relationships will never work. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. DONT IGNORE IT.
My ex-husband was exactly like your ex. I've been divorced since October of 2017. Thank you for making this video. You are one beautiful and smart woman.
Had this exact conversation last night. Spent three hours talking about our situation and the sides of it. Crazy how this is this week’s post! Needed this!!!!!! Thank you!!
This video sums up exactly how I feel and what I had been going through, dealing with for the past 12 years in my marriage. I am so thankful for you and this video. My healing begins!! Thank you..
I've argued with someone before and I was getting super worked up and it seemed like it just took so much more work than all my other relationships. And that was kinda my ah-ha moment. That's when I realized I wasn't the problem. Meanwhile that person was used to having regular explosive arguments with everyone close to them so they didn't even realize that shit wasn't normal. 😬
in such a similar situation... before this relationship i was never a really angry person, never argued with people- walked away before it got out of hand, shit i think i had only raised my voice to a close one one other time in my life as a teenager. never argued with friends past the age of like 14. but now we are constantly fighting and have been for a year now, only progressively worse, yelling, name-calling, and things being broken (not by me). always get told this is normal, they saw this in relationships all the time, they used to get into physical fights with their closest friends, their friends would yell and scream at eachother and apparently that's a normal way to express oneself. every time i tell them this isn't normal for me i get told i don't know anything about relationships and this isn't abusive because there is no physical harm being done (outright).
I started crying at 10:50, it's word for word how my toxic ex talked down to me. Looking back now, it was a manipulative way to get me in his control. Thank you for the amazing content, your effort really shows.
Relationships take work to maintain, but I agree that it shouldn't be hard work that makes affects your mental/physical wellbeing. I've been in a few relationships where it feels like time is draggggging and you're struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is because not everyone is compatible with you in terms of a romantic relationship. I was in a tough relationship before my current one where I put my ex on a pedestal only to find that he had been cheating on me. I had warning signs like the ones you mentioned and remember thinking often "is this it? Is this who I want to be with for the rest of my life" but then I remembered that phrase "it takes hard work to maintain a relationship". I didn't feel loved despite the fact that my ex was doing the romantic jestures I saw on T.v. like buying flowers or gifts. So I stayed hoping it would get better and then it only got worse. My current relationship, now going on 7 years, is the EASIEST relationship and with a man who I can call my partner in everything in life. We both help each other in any way possible, communicate, and never blame. I believe the most difficult things should not be your relationship itself, but things that you both go and grow through externally (loss of family member, job, health problems, circumstances that you cannot change). If you're questioning every day or week whether that person is for you, they aren't.
Shannon opened my eyes to the importance of taking accountability. I wrote into her podcast a few years back. I dug deep, took accountability, recognized my patterns and walked away.
This was so triggering to me.. I can say I went through every single thing you went through. Everything from the keys and trying to run, he would take the air out of my car tires so I couldn’t leave.. I would get spit on and had plates of food thrown in my face while at dinner. It lasted 10 yrs but finally got out 3yrs ago. Thank you for this, makes me feel like I wasn’t the only one going through the same thing 🙏🏼
I didn’t think I’d be in this situation, until I was…and like you, it was hard to leave, and it was hard to understand. I went through the same thing, red flags, him pointing out my flaws, everything was because of me, not him. He also said I was not a good woman. Even after I said, okay, I’m not good enough, please let me go…he would not let me go. It’s an ego battle for the narcissist. I loved him and hated him too. It was a strange addiction. I put my happiness on hold. I finally left for good when my body was reacting to the stress. I felt Jesus take those red flags from me and lift my burdens. I don’t regret it, because through getting out of this relationship, I finally understood what it was to love myself. I finally saw all the behaviors and habits that I kept going back to: toxic men traits. I’ve never felt so free and God is bringing me my soulmate soon! 💕❤️
I love your brand, how expressive and informative you are. You are so comfortable in your skin it feels so calm and natural to listen to you talk. Your path to blessing is SO BRIGHT! Keep up the amazing work!
Man I so needed this. My toxic boyfriend just ended things with me and asked me to move out. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was until it was all finally out and the open. He did the same thing with the blanket statements and just not talking about problems in the open. In the end he still thinks he’s gods great gift to the earth and I am the only person at fault for our ending relationship. Whatever. Moving on and up but this video was seriously so helpful.
Exactly! Relationships are hard, but there´s a healthy limit to the struggle part. That´s why compatibility is so important. We tend to ignore our inner voice for many reasons: lonelyness, the idea of a relationship, beliving in the good in people, etc. Our intuition is almost never wrong! Hopefully we´d realize it sooner, so we wouldn´t waste our time and energy on the wrong people.
Woah. You just told me everything my ex used to say for me. He refused to let me go even I tried. In truth up until this month I would concentrate on trying to fix those flaws he kept throwing back at me making me view myself as a horrible person. I felt the Same way Thank you
So crazy just how many similarities there are between your situation and a toxic relationship I had years ago. There was actually a moment where I knew I had to check his phone and just like you, I guessed the password and by divine intervention it was right. What I found ended up being the last straw and finally broke me free. I loved this video. Thank you!
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Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? What tips would you give to someone currently in one on how to get out. Let's help each other! Comment below
Oh my God yes and it was 2 years of living hell that even 8 years after leaving it still somewhat affects how I feel about myself.
I went through pretty much the same exact things as you except I'm not sure if he ever cheated on me. There's only one or 2 times where I thought maybe he did cheat. Coming from a broken home where I was abused mentally, sexually, and emotionally, it was super easy for me to fall for someone who "loved" me when I never felt loved or wanted.
I have been in toxic relationships since childhood dealing with narcissists and ended up attracting another narcissist and stayed for 7 years, but I have grown since then and learned so much from the experience. I'm much stronger and wiser because of it. I found self love, self confidence and self worth. The level up is REAL!!!
Pay attention to the red flags and stop giving them excuses for their toxic behavior because at the end of the day, you're enabling their behavior and not letting them being accountable for their actions/behavior.
You are so creative. Genius!
She is so expressive. There is no emotion she cannot find the language to explain.
omg this is how guys must feel about me, sometimes i feel like its a weakness
@@yiselyerorodriguez5433 it's actually such a good quality. Ooh how my relationships would bloom if I were able to express myself adequately
@@hi-jo5py Yes i mean you have deep connections because you're able to express yourself at a level that lets your partner know there is mutual feeling there. Alot of people never get that certainty. However, it's frustrating when you want someone to express themselves in this manner in return and they have problems. Unfortunately thats how the majority of people are, or they're afraid and hide their feelings.
I know and I simply adore it💜
Relationships are work, but it should not be HARD work. Consistent work. Never just hard.
Exactly
Akilah Monroe 💯💯💯💯
Akilah Monroe did you leave yet ?? Hope u did ♥️
A year later but REALLY THO.
Thick and thin, not thin and thinner !
Tips, trust the warning signs.
Trust your gut.
THIS 💯💯💯!!!
You’re a genius Shan. This conversation with your yourself is the perfect example of what we should all do. Self analysis. Love this!!
She deadass made me feel like it was two different person. I had to keep reminding myself. edit on point
Yes, I have to spend more time in the proverbial mirror too. She is awesome
Wait they are not twins😐😐😐
Miley wairimu LOL you’re not the only one who thought that. Her editing game is FIRE.
Shac Shac p
I’m a simple man. I see a Shan video and I click.
Adore you Josh
I’m an only child so I thought I was good at talking to myself.. but this is quality! 🙌🏾🙌🏾❤️❤️❤️
Lol so this is an only child thing?! I thought my daughter was going crazy😂😂😂
SupraSoulStar hahaha I think I get it from my mum but she has siblings but either I think mine is genetic and a result of my only child...ness 😂
Lmaooo me cause im an only girl
lol facts, I was an only child for most of my childhood. Had to learn to be my own best friend
@@LifeFilmzME TOO. MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT TO THE ONLY CHILD CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE. 🌹👑💐
I'm in a toxic relationship I'm saving up to get my own place so I can leave. I've been emotionally done with him for a while and I cant wait to be single
I hope you both are able to get away clean without further harm.
Same
Rikki you deserve happiness & good health 💖
Be strong! Hopefully you have friends and family you can lean on in this situation.
Wishing you the best, Stay strong 💖
your partner is a reflection of you..they will trigger you and show you your subconscious programs that you need to overcome..whether it’s guilt, shame, feeling like your not good enough or worthy of happiness etc..you have to heal from your traumas and truly love yourself before settling down or you’ll keep getting the same results.
“His happiness made me feel mad”
I relate to this so much. I regret the relationship, but I am thankful for the experience.
me rn
I am not grateful for the experience. You’re better than me.
“I choose to stay .. I was needy .. I hated him as a person I wasn’t happy for him I didn’t want good things to happen to him but I was in love with him in a form of this addiction” wow so relatable 😖
Why did it take me so long to realize she was talking to herself😭😂
You and me 😁😁
Me Too
I never did. I’m just listening. 😆
😂 I was looking for this comment to confirm she was
Same 😂😂😂
It's so upsetting that I watch these videos and see such a strong, independent, confident and articulate woman and find out you were once treated in such a despicable way by someone. Never let anyone convince you you are less than what you are.
Relationships are hard work but they shouldn't feel impossible to work with
Yeah, and the work only counts as positive as long as all involved are actively cooperating and working together, dead weights, aka. Toxic people, doesn't do work by definition.
And the only suffering that's acceptable is that caused by external factors where the people in the relationship is volounteering to share the load, such as loss of a parent to old age etc.
Shan I just left my 8 yr relationship at 26 and I just want to say thank you time and time again you have instilled a little strength in me through your words each fkn time ❤️🥑
Awww im goiin thru literally the same thing exactly , 8 years done just two weeks ago. It's super hard but for the best. It getting a little easier day by day. Stay strong beautiful! ♥
💕💕💕💕
Ladies... I feel so close to being done! 5 years in, 1 year of marriage and it's just constant arguing and days without speaking to each other. He can hold a grudge. I literally wish I could grow balls overnight! 💔😢
@@maritzaplaza2394 I’m not married but I just left a relationship of 9 years. I felt so drained I couldn’t take it no more. I’ve been losing weight going work unhappy but now it’s my time to shine ✨
I was born into the middle of this kind of toxic relationship. It reverberates down through generations. If you won't leave for yourself, 💔leave for the little ones.💕 Leave before the little ones.💖
it's because generationally, one party has that mindset that it's normal. one generation needs a change
Just dumped my toxic abusive boyfriend.
Ofc it was hard and yeah, I've been crying since then but I had to do it. For myself. And I know that someday when things will finally fall into places, I'll thank myself for what I did today.
I left mine when I realized I was participating in the abuse, by willing to receive it. If I take my self away, he loses his power. And I gain mine. I was giving him permission to abuse me.
You're all strong women. You got this. Remember that. The power is in your hands now.
I hope you’re finally in a happy place love ❤️
Do you have an update?
I was with a narcissist for 3-4 years, I didn't learn about what narcissistic personaility disorders are until towards the end of our last breakup. 😏 When you come out the other side it, it is crazy to think of the things you went through. I found a channel that was so informative on npd and I was shocked, at the time, to find that it really is a thing (because everything said lined up with my experience) and about just how common it is. I think the biggest misconception about being with an abusive person, is when people say bullshit like "you chose to stay". People don't understand that emotional and mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Obviously what person in their right mind would stay with an abuser, right? When somebody has abused and isolated you so you feel like you have no one and are alone, broken you down and over time has formed that trauma bond, it is not easy to just "walk away".
I'd say that in some ways, psychological abuse is worse, because it trains and forces the person targeted to participate in abusing themselves in the hope of appeasement and leniency and internalise a sense of spiritual debt, an original sin owed to the perpetrator.
Absolutely. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and he made me start doubting myself and manipulated me to think there was something wrong with me, not him. Although I am slowly healing I still have days where I have low confidence in myself because of how he always made me feel inferior.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
Any tips for trying to help a friend get out of a relationship like this? I've gotten her to seriously think about leaving him..
A narcissist I dated told me on our first date he was a psychopath... I thought the man was joking... 2 months later the penny dropped 😯
The fact that I thought you had a twin 🤯 #subscribe
When you said "spat on" my ears started ringing. I had to pause the video, calm down, and return at a later moment.
When I tell someone “We’re not compatible” they always made me feel stupid like “what do you mean???”
I think it’s pretty self explanatory
“People are subconsciously manipulative” Shallon Lester.
Yes and also a lot of people think that a person is being aggressive or rude by being direct.
“I want that time back.” I felt that! Me too, Shan.
Oof! I felt that.
You need a talk show baby girl. These words really hit and we’re valuable to me
It's crazy because it becomes so apparent the relationship was shit once you are out but when you're in it it's like you have blinders on. The one part about you going through his computer I can really relate to. I became a snoop because I knew something wasn't right and that's likely why you did it as well. As that was never a part of my character in past relationships or even with him until I was years in and could feel that something was going on. Great video Shannon!
My heart was breaking the entire time while watching this because it made me realize that if I have a similar sitting with myself I'd realize how unhappy I am in my current relationship.
Get away if your unhappy.
leave! power of the p i guess and low self esteem
Omg that moment you're done with a toxic relationship and you know it. 😍😍😇
I had an ex keep in communication with their most recent ex. My intuition said that something was odd, so did the whole snooping and found hundreds of naked pictures. When confronted, they stopped speaking to me AND just went back to their ex. No remorse or accountability. It was INSANE! I felt insecure the whole time relationship, like I could never do or be enough. Looking back I saw the signs and no matter how strong a connection/potential I should have left!
Ugh my ex and I have been “breaking up” for several months. If that doesn’t say toxic idk what does. I’m just starting this video but hopefully this is what I need to finally let go of a man that has been less than deserving of my love and forgiveness. I love him but I know he’s gotta go after all these years
You got this.
I've been through the same thing the multiple ups and downs. I've grown so tired. I broke up with him yesterday. Choosing myself this time.
I can relate! I finally left and it’s only been a month but this has been the longest I’ve gone without any communication and honestly it’s so much healthier for your mental health. The constant back and forths can’t be good for the mind and body
Cut him off and never look back
good for you!! you deserve better and to move on. all the best.
I actually found you through a hater named Loni Love on the real, anyway forget that...I am addicted to how open you are, I purchased your book and to me it's astonishing how our haters actually promote us as well! Thank you so much for your openness. You are so incredibly real and I love that! Thank you.
I love when Shan interviews herself!
Is it really the same person? Lol. I thought it was! Rofl. Amaaaaazing!
"I couldnt rely on him for the truth" that hit me different
i love this representation of having a mental reflection/conversation with yourself! You're so creative
p.s. be careful people. toxic relationships can occur in "friendships" too
That friendship part is serious!
Absolutely!
Through you, I have learned how much transparency can go a long way. You’ve taught me the biggest lessons in my life through your transparency
How I wish I would've seen this kind of video 8 years ago. After 3 years of being in a toxic relationship and letting myself go so bad to the point of having suicidal thoughts I thank god I had enough courage to walk away. Unfortunately, I still get to see him because of our children but it feels good to say I have established boundaries and have learned to heal myself. Thank you for sharing your story Shan! You might be helping someone going through the same experience. 💕🙏🏽
brncvl how did it have your children reacted to your separation? And as a mom how are you dealing with explaining your children that you had to leave their father ??
Chiiiiiild, you described my last relationship to the "T" "hunty! I have been out of the relationship for 7 years but you hit the nail on the head when you said, "when he was happy you weren't happy for him." *mind blown*. If anybody is ever in this type of relationship, listen to this boody girl and take her advice. I couldn't have said it better myself 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
omg im gonna cry, i needed this. I can hear the pain in your voice when you speak because i am currently going through the same thing trying to find the strength to leave.
Davina Collins girl me too and it’s crazy how we feel so alone .
@@cristalgonzales7288 yes !people can tell us to leave but it's harder than they think.
The part where you said you couldn’t feel happy for him because you didn’t like him ....very relatable. I always felt guilty about that.
How come I always feel like your telling my story?? Get out my diary Shannon
Ahh Gracie bc it’s a formula. These fools can’t even be original
Gracie Conda FR i was like ummmm okay call me out
So true
I really appreciated the part where you called out the bullshit cliché that states relationships are supposed to be work. Since I first heard that saying, I didn't understand it. Glad I'm not the only one to acknowledge how that quote has the potential to perpetuate abusive behaviour.
Lisa Ward I agree! Though I think usually when people say that they’re talking about how you have to learn to communicate effectively with your partner and make healthy compromises, things like that. The saying becomes a problem when people start using it to brush off selfish/dishonest behavior in order to save an unhealthy relationship
Exactly!!! I never understood that statement, along with 'Love Hurts.' No it does NOT.
Sounds like Narcissistic abuse to me ... boy have I been through that sick ass cycle. Glad it over I regret the whole thing.
I was thinking that he is a narcissist too. Is she talking about her husband?
@@miss__monique she used to be married? wow i didn't know. does she mention it in any videos?
@@takemypainaway9517 i think she's married now.
I think shes talking about an ex
I'm sorry... I had to pause the video when you said the man spat on you... lawd have mercy... what is wrong with these men. I've had a ton of shitty relationships but if a man ever spat on me I'd either end in hospital, prison or in grave because we would have to fight.
Ps this format of this video is GENIUS...GENIUS!!!!!
First off I want to say that I absolutely love everything about this video Shan!
You mentioned the mean comments or “bombs” that he would drop on you. That kinda sounds like mental or emotional abuse and it is nice to hear how you overcame and go out of that relationship
Gaslighting...
watching this hurt, it felt like i was listening to my own story...this video truly is so fucking important and I know a lot of people needed to hear this, i needed to hear this...I’m thankful I was able to remove myself from my past toxic relationships and thrive in my new one..
Therapist Shan is brilliant with her listening/facial expressions.. I'm very glad im past this phase in my life.. self care is absolutely paramount no matter what you feel for other person. People treat you how you let them. Set the standard from early and be prepared to walk away when they violate your values.
I already love this video. And I’ve only seen 30 seconds
Yay welcome
Shan BOODY Love you work Shan. I so appreciate the meaningful content you put out. Stay up!
Shannon, I just turned 18 and I really want to experience dating (the bad and the good). It would be amazing to see a video geared towards first time daters (and interviewing others) with things like whether or not irl or dating apps are better, and things like that. Just a thought.
Also this video is amazing.
Yes!
I know I'm a rando on the internet but one thing I can give you is this. Know thy self. Know your heart, know what you like and know what you hate. Find out what is important for you. Masturbate. If you don't know what you like you won't be able to detect terrible partners. Please use protection at all costs. No protection no sex. Especially if it's casual but also for a while in your relationship. Read about love, read about relationships,watch RUclips videos like Shan's. Also if something feels good for you don't let anyone shame you for it. Wish you luck
I am a big fan of talking to yourself and no I don't feel crazy at all. It's totally healthy!
This was very transparent. Bottom line, you departed the toxic relationship. Learning experience of what to do and/or not to do. Continue to expound your self worth and the pursuit of happiness. Happy healing Shan.
A few months ago I ended a toxic relationship, my second one might I add. And after a while I realized I ignored the warning signs before it started. This video is a great truthful representation of how these relationships are. Thank you for being so beautifully honest
Girl I’ve been in a 30 year toxic marriage! Thanks to Loni’s crazy comments on the Real, I started checking you out..LOL THANKS LONI 💝
I became very emotional while watching this because I have been there and in the moment you really think you are on an island alone
Whenever I broke up with my abusive boyfriend he would tell me the same thing “you don’t know how relationships work you have to work harder “ you can’t just give up. Now I know it didn’t have to be that hard and he was just making me feel guilty for not wanting to put up with his bs. Thank you so much for this video 🙏
I told my ex that, even tho he was the abuser!
I’m not going to lie I thought I’d never get over this relationship l was once in it was the hardest relationship that l had ever been in. When l say your girl went through it SHE went through it emotionally man... I don’t wish psychological abuse on NO one it’s no telling how someone can manage it through. I gave my ALL into my past relationship thinking it was going to end in marriage to find out that it was a third party. The depression was extreme idk how l made it out to be honest l give it to God as a lesson learned l will never allow my daughter to even give a person like that a second glance.. once that trust is broken KILL it ppl I don’t care how much you love them if they not making the effort give them the got damn door peridot!!
What angers me the most is to know that someone would spit on you.
1- Hummmm. You look amazing
2- No one deserves to be treated that badly
YESSSSSSSSSS!! Been waiting for you to have another conversation with yourself! Wooop! I’m hopping in the shower and I’ll be RIGHT back!
I can soooo relate. My advice is if you start seeing the red flags run run run as fast as you can! Yo ass better run like you're the ginger bread man 😂😂😂
Good One
“I want my time back” YUP. Glad I made it out of that. 1yr and still feel at peace for leaving that toxic shit
OMG! What you mentioned around 10:55 - 11:22 is what my relationship with a 'friend' was like. I had to walk on eggshells around her as the slightest thing could result in an argument (these arguments happened nearly every week, usually via Whatsapp) & it got to a point where mentally it was affecting me. So because my mental health is important to me, I tried cutting off the friendship, but EVERY TIME I tried, she would call me a pussy, fake, flakey, a bitch etc because I was giving up on our friendship. Then she'd call me crying (fake crying cuz she'd be laughing) saying she's gona hurt herself which made me feel bad & so I continued being friends with her. Yesterday, I ended the friendship for good.
I am so proud of your honesty, bravery and real life experience. This hurts but I am overjoyed knowing you are out and have learned more about yourself and the love and respect you deserve. Leaving toxic relationships are not easy but to leave is freedom of your mind, body and spirit. Girl, thank you. I hear and see you. ♥️
I love this woman she’s so open about her life I love and respect people like this ❤️
I loved everything about this... I have to have a convo with my bf tonite... I've been scared to do it but all the red flags keep smackin me in the face so it's time to handle this
the mantras "You don't have patience for me" "You just don't understand me" "You just don't want to work at it"
yup - F that. It is NOT supposed to be that hard. IF someone cant get along with you on the daily basis..and he/she is continuously disrespectful to you, your family and your friends for no reason... Leave
You mentioned rejection in this video. Would you be able to do a video on that and your experience? I have experienced that multiple times, as a female as well.
Absolutely!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 And that is why we should applaud each and every individual who has come out of trauma and beat the odds! Let’s uplift everyone who is currently in a toxic relationship and provide light for them. Lastly, let us thank those above and below who provided that light and support for us while we were down and allowed us to remember how to shine again 💎
She’s never lost for words when it comes to expression- how do I achieve this ???
I think it takes a lot of practice either speaking or writing about your experience.... At least from my experience. Because I'm also not great at expressing myself but I got better though talking more
I just talk lol my narcissistic ex hated my words. He said I was TOO DEEP, that my paragraphs bothered him.
I told him to be grateful that I know how to write and speak on my emotions and make it crystal clear where WE stand 🤪
This sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine. It just got to a point where my soul was shattered into a million pieces and if I didn't leave I was going to end up committing suicide. I didn't have a lot of resources to walk away on my own, I had to have help to get the hell out, and it was the best thing I did for myself. When I was young I thought abuse was physical, and now I know that it can be emotional as well. Probably the best thing to come out of it is learning that I deserve to be treated a lot better than that.
chills. This video gave me chills
ps the cinematography of this video is so next level
REGRET Omg I have the same feeling! I have 2 amazing kids (and for this reason I wouldn’t change anything) from my married but I so regret the 17 years we spend together...the time I waste of my youth with my ex. But when people ask yes I always say I regret that lost time. Sending love ❤️
You deal with toxic relationships same way u treat an addiction
I miss the “talking to yourself” videos! I know this is hard work to do and you do it very well. Thank you for this Shan.
I love this vid. One thing though, Therapist Shan was talking but there was no sound. I'm still gonna watch this twice .
yea she just a regular ol interviewer, but yeah I think I had it in my mind that I'd cover that part with R. Kelly doc stuff but I forgot to go back and add it!!
That part, "There's things you have to go through to learn and things you can read about". I always go by that, I don't have to go through certain experiences to learn. Just paying attention to your surroundings, environments, books etc. can teach us a lot without the heartache or lost time. 💜👌
Wow I just went through this last year for 6 months. I kept telling myself the same things you would tell yourself- that you have to work hard in a relationship. I was the only person communicating in the relationship, he cheated on me, constantly put me down and told me that things that I believed in were stupid and a waste of time when he just had his own insecurities. I cried and cried and gradually as he was starting to put me down and disrespect me more and more I was fed up. He wanted to break up to "find himself" and I turned to him and said "I can't believe how much time and energy I've wasted on you" and slammed the car door and left. So many of the thoughts and emotions you went through I totally understand.
This video was perfect and came at the right time. I just got out of a toxic relationship a couple days ago. The red flags were there, we kept breaking up and getting back together. I honestly felt I was losing myself to accommodate him. He broke up with me and it was like a sigh of relief and I knew I was not going to get back with him after that. He called the same day talking about can I bring you food. I said no and that I don't want to be his friend, I didn't want to talk to him anymore.
Thankfully it lasted only five months.
Shan, I have to say thank you. I've watched your videos for the longest time but I missed this one. You described the exact same experience that I had been living for the past 3 years. Yes, I watched many videos about toxic relationships but you were the only one to talk about certain things that I really needed to hear. A huge hug all the way from Brazil ❤
I never been in a relationship but this video really showed me not all of them are charming and magical and she broke this expection I had. Thankyou. And ofc that relates to what she said about things you can read not have to experience it.
I relate to this so much. I just got out of a toxic relationship about a month ago. I had wanted (and tried) to leave before but I kept making excuses and like you said, told myself we'd get through it and it was just a "tough time." Then things would be up and down, things would seem ok for a while, but then the cycle would just continue. When I got the courage to leave it felt very different from the time before. I had a certain confidence in what I was doing. I did not, and still have not, felt any form of sadness after leaving. I feel so much happier and like myself. Leaving a toxic relationship is NOT easy, though it seems like it should be. Once you find the strength to get out there's no going back.
Just ended my relationship with my narcissistic bf. I'm present to how I became in the relationship. Not healthy. The worst comes out when I was with him. Did not feel empowered. Always felt like I had to fix myself.
Tip: listen to your gut, heart, body. You will know if the relationship is for you or not.. we want to make something work so bad because of ×. ( whatever x is that your telling yourself). Relationships are not hard there not easy as well, but it shouldn't take yourself away from yourself to make something happen. Forced relationships will never work. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. DONT IGNORE IT.
First time viewer here.
Definitely sat here thinking you were talking to your twin sister.
This is a dope video.
Nicole Chernov 😂😂mee
Thank You for making this video. It validates my decision in ending a toxic relationship. Stuff like this will saved other peoples lives.
Josie J omg you can say that again, me three
My ex-husband was exactly like your ex. I've been divorced since October of 2017. Thank you for making this video. You are one beautiful and smart woman.
Sherri Baker good for you
Had this exact conversation last night. Spent three hours talking about our situation and the sides of it. Crazy how this is this week’s post! Needed this!!!!!! Thank you!!
I feel like you lived my current life but I have a kid by this guy
This video sums up exactly how I feel and what I had been going through, dealing with for the past 12 years in my marriage. I am so thankful for you and this video. My healing begins!! Thank you..
I've argued with someone before and I was getting super worked up and it seemed like it just took so much more work than all my other relationships. And that was kinda my ah-ha moment. That's when I realized I wasn't the problem. Meanwhile that person was used to having regular explosive arguments with everyone close to them so they didn't even realize that shit wasn't normal. 😬
in such a similar situation... before this relationship i was never a really angry person, never argued with people- walked away before it got out of hand, shit i think i had only raised my voice to a close one one other time in my life as a teenager. never argued with friends past the age of like 14. but now we are constantly fighting and have been for a year now, only progressively worse, yelling, name-calling, and things being broken (not by me). always get told this is normal, they saw this in relationships all the time, they used to get into physical fights with their closest friends, their friends would yell and scream at eachother and apparently that's a normal way to express oneself. every time i tell them this isn't normal for me i get told i don't know anything about relationships and this isn't abusive because there is no physical harm being done (outright).
I started crying at 10:50, it's word for word how my toxic ex talked down to me. Looking back now, it was a manipulative way to get me in his control. Thank you for the amazing content, your effort really shows.
Thank God that your new relationship washes over this crazy time in your life ✨
Relationships take work to maintain, but I agree that it shouldn't be hard work that makes affects your mental/physical wellbeing. I've been in a few relationships where it feels like time is draggggging and you're struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is because not everyone is compatible with you in terms of a romantic relationship. I was in a tough relationship before my current one where I put my ex on a pedestal only to find that he had been cheating on me. I had warning signs like the ones you mentioned and remember thinking often "is this it? Is this who I want to be with for the rest of my life" but then I remembered that phrase "it takes hard work to maintain a relationship". I didn't feel loved despite the fact that my ex was doing the romantic jestures I saw on T.v. like buying flowers or gifts. So I stayed hoping it would get better and then it only got worse. My current relationship, now going on 7 years, is the EASIEST relationship and with a man who I can call my partner in everything in life. We both help each other in any way possible, communicate, and never blame. I believe the most difficult things should not be your relationship itself, but things that you both go and grow through externally (loss of family member, job, health problems, circumstances that you cannot change). If you're questioning every day or week whether that person is for you, they aren't.
🙌
Try to avoid dating someone with a child; It's one thing cheating, but giving you STDs is downright disrespectful on another level!!
I was so confused.... Then I realised she counseling herself. Needed this video
Shannon opened my eyes to the importance of taking accountability. I wrote into her podcast a few years back. I dug deep, took accountability, recognized my patterns and walked away.
This was so triggering to me.. I can say I went through every single thing you went through. Everything from the keys and trying to run, he would take the air out of my car tires so I couldn’t leave.. I would get spit on and had plates of food thrown in my face while at dinner. It lasted 10 yrs but finally got out 3yrs ago. Thank you for this, makes me feel like I wasn’t the only one going through the same thing 🙏🏼
YYYYREEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSAAAAA, I F***ING NEEDED THIS VIDEO, I'M SO D**N GRATEFUL GRACIAS 💗🌟
B CG I felt that lol
I didn’t think I’d be in this situation, until I was…and like you, it was hard to leave, and it was hard to understand. I went through the same thing, red flags, him pointing out my flaws, everything was because of me, not him. He also said I was not a good woman. Even after I said, okay, I’m not good enough, please let me go…he would not let me go. It’s an ego battle for the narcissist. I loved him and hated him too. It was a strange addiction. I put my happiness on hold. I finally left for good when my body was reacting to the stress. I felt Jesus take those red flags from me and lift my burdens. I don’t regret it, because through getting out of this relationship, I finally understood what it was to love myself. I finally saw all the behaviors and habits that I kept going back to: toxic men traits. I’ve never felt so free and God is bringing me my soulmate soon! 💕❤️
I love your brand, how expressive and informative you are. You are so comfortable in your skin it feels so calm and natural to listen to you talk. Your path to blessing is SO BRIGHT! Keep up the amazing work!
Man I so needed this. My toxic boyfriend just ended things with me and asked me to move out. I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was until it was all finally out and the open. He did the same thing with the blanket statements and just not talking about problems in the open. In the end he still thinks he’s gods great gift to the earth and I am the only person at fault for our ending relationship. Whatever. Moving on and up but this video was seriously so helpful.
Why does this sound like a real time conversation tho 😍
Exactly! Relationships are hard, but there´s a healthy limit to the struggle part. That´s why compatibility is so important.
We tend to ignore our inner voice for many reasons: lonelyness, the idea of a relationship, beliving in the good in people, etc. Our intuition is almost never wrong!
Hopefully we´d realize it sooner, so we wouldn´t waste our time and energy on the wrong people.
Woah. You just told me everything my ex used to say for me. He refused to let me go even I tried. In truth up until this month I would concentrate on trying to fix those flaws he kept throwing back at me making me view myself as a horrible person. I felt the Same way Thank you
So crazy just how many similarities there are between your situation and a toxic relationship I had years ago. There was actually a moment where I knew I had to check his phone and just like you, I guessed the password and by divine intervention it was right. What I found ended up being the last straw and finally broke me free. I loved this video. Thank you!