Unmasking: Trying to Be Safe Around "Normal" People Doesn't Work
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
- ✨ Go to betterhelp.com/cinziadubois for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #advert
GET MORE FROM ME:
✨ Support me on Patreon: / cinzia
💌 Sign up for my newsletter: tinyurl.com/4j3rhdkm
🎥 Lady of the Library: / cinziadubois
🎙 Listen to my podcast on Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/1zQ7J1g...
📩 Video Request form: forms.gle/2GXsnkUkNZjfT9hL7
🌍 My website/blog: www.ladyofthelibrary.com
SOCIALS:
📚 Goodreads: / c-dubois
WHO AM I?
Hey there, I’m Cinzia DuBois. I’m a part-time, self-funded PhD student and RUclipsr, Podcaster and writer. I’ve been creating videos for over thirteen years. I discuss productivity, personal development, PhD, academia and mental well-being on this channel. On my main channel, I talk about all things dark and ancient history, literature and folklore. 
Хобби
I've read once: Before you self-diagnose with depression or anxiety, first make sure you're not just surrounded by assholes.
!!!
Being surrounded by assholes is a common cause of depression and anxiety.
Can't get away from assholes when they're the ones running the asylum
kinda. This is like a "what came first, chicken or the egg" type of situation. You can have depression and/or anxiety because you're surrounded by assholes, or you can have it regardless of if you're surrounded by assholes or not. Sometimes it can improve once ppl stop hanging out around assholes, but it doesn't mean that it for sure will. For me, I'm around amazing people for the most part and yet my depression and anxiety is still prevalent.
Most people are.
You have to risk being disliked for who you are in order to have a chance at being liked for who you are.
True-ish, but only if the issue set is simplistic. Cinzia's sharing some of her most vulnerable thoughts about something she wants to be transparent about. It's complex. What she is telling us is not (just) about being liked. She's making movement, making effort to push against her discomfort. In this video, she's speaking her truth out loud.
Reads like a Hallmark card 🧐
As a late diagnosed autistic person, this was so similar to my experiences. I'm so happy you have someone who actually likes/ loves the real you. After a life time of negativity around being your real unmasked self, for me at least, having someone see and still like me was life changing and what I needed to start trying to unmask little by little in safe places
What a sad world we live in, if "losers" are the people who love to read, think, learn and ponder.
That's why I won't create another life. Being child-free is the only way to break this curse of a hell.
I am a cross-dresser. All of my life I've been in fear that people, employers & landlords would not accept me if they knew. If I'm wearing men's clothing, I am sad and feel I'm just doing it to get along. When I'm wearing women's clothing I am more satisfied that I am being me as I wish to be. But feel I am exposing my greatest secret and will not be accepted. Along the way, I've had ex-wives and lovers and employers and landlords who did not accept me. (I don't 'pass' and I'm not 'pretty.') But I've also met many people who were OK with it.
I've been through years of psychology & psychiatry & spiritual seeking. I am 75 now and still seeking a way to live my life as me.
"To be truly seen is our greatest fear, and simultaneously, our greatest desire." ❤️
You are very brave to be so open on the internet. I was bullied most of my life as well and have never liked myself. I am now in my early 50's and finally becoming comfortable in my own skin. You are a bright light who has so much to offer the people you touch. Please be more loving and forgiving to yourself. You're worth it. ❤
Cinzia you're fantastic. I wish there were more people like you in the world like you. I only recently started to realise that I'd been masking for years. More than 50 years. So I'd go through this cycle of getting more and more exhausted, wondering what the hell was wrong with me, then having a massive mental crash, which was always diagnosed as depression. Then I'd have a few months of complete isolation from everything and "get better", then throw myself back in to the theatre of being in the world. Rinse, repeat. Thing is, despite all my efforts, it never even really worked. Everyone still thought I was a bit odd, and I ended up having no idea who I really was. I'm still not entirely sure, but I'm working on it.
I decided to just be me in about 2013, and let people dislike me since they did anyway. In most situations.
What happened is that all the low quality people got very mad and took themselves away, leaving me with just a few, but excellent people.
there could very well be, but you won't see that unless you create a space were people feel secure to be honest about they're thoughts and feelings. someone doing their groceries isn't going to open up.
also keep in mind you're unmasked self might be very well be an asshole moron any adjective you associate negatively. but on the other hand could be them, difficult to know at the start, alexatheimia is a kick in the balls
I'm almost 50 and it never occurred to me that masking is what I was doing. The concept didn't even exist.
The people calling you "loser" are being abusive. It's nothing to do with who you are, but more a problem with their lack of empathy and compassion. It might be because they are dealing with trauma or their own internal struggles, or it might just be they are selfish and try to make themselves feel better by putting others down. Hopefully the people who love you are already telling you this because I'm very glad my parents instilled this concept in me from a very young age, but for me, it is fundamental that I reject any negative labels that people try to assign to me. It's none of their business, and I refused to internalize it. That doesn't mean that I ignore feedback from others about my behavior (i.e. someone says my words were offensive) but I won't accept their judgement of me, my worth, or worthiness for respect from others.
My parents were the ones who tore me down. I find it crippling to deal with.
@@inspiringsimple I consider myself very lucky that I had the parents I did. If it wasn't for them and the support of my grandmother I would be a very different person if even still alive. As a parent now I can't imagine how people can sustain such cruelty toward their children. I hope that you can someday find peace from the harm done to you.
@@inspiringsimplethere are channels to help you. Like the crappy childhood fairy.
Thank you so much for sharing this Cinzia. My wife of 15 years is leaving me, and I have been thinking a lot about the things she's said to me. I am realizing that, as a neurodivergent, I've been masking for most of our marriage - perhaps for all of it. I don't think she particularly liked the person she married and knew she didn't like him. She thought she could "change" or "fix" me into the man she wanted with time. Realizing this, I began masking around the one person I shouldn't have to mask around - my wife. I pretended to be someone else for her so that she would accept me. I did a decent job of it for awhile, but over time there were flashes of frustration or anger over the fact that even trying my hardest to be this "man" she wanted, it still wasn't enough. Unknowingly, I started to strike back passive-aggressively by pointing out her flaws and shortcomings as well. There came a point where both of us were just remarkably unhappy with each other, but unwilling to really talk about it. I am realizing that If I ever have another relationship, it needs to be someone who gets me and likes me for me.
Based on what you described, sounds like you should choose to end the relationship as well, rather than be “left”. You want to, you need to, why choose to describe yourself to others as being “left”. Take an active vocabulary and an active role in ending this terrible situation and pursue authenticity, for everyone’s sake. You can start now by being authentic to your future ex wife by breaking up with her rather than describing yourself as a victim being left.
Kia Ora Cinzia! As an autistic person I just wanted to say that self diagnosis is completely valid, the formal diagnosis availability and accuracy is ridiculous but more importantly you tend to just know in yourself, so if you find yourself feeling comfort in that label, it's yours. + you're not alone in your masking struggles and your unmasked self is beautiful! ❤️
Currently feeling embarrassed about how I acted in book club on Sunday. To the point I'm tempted to quit...again. But it's literally the only socializing I do....and it's not even in person. I am trying to branch out...going to the library to take painting class tomorrow. I'll report back on that endeavor.
Please report back 😊 and remember that one “bad” action doesn’t define us
@@SaraLeanne forced myself to go. Seems like it went OK. I talked to the 2 people at my table...they didn't appear to be put off by me lol
Brave you! Other folk have surprisingly short attention spans and probably won't remember anyway. Best of luck.
When you only have limited social interaction, they become disproportionately fraught. So a small slight from someone hurts more than it would if you had 18 other interactions a week.
Realizing this helped me, I hope it helps you too.
Autistic. Just returned from work today, and feel beyond exhausted. Being at work brings it home that I’m not normal and makes me feel ashamed of who I am. At home I don’t feel any of this as I can just be myself but at work when I have to adhere to social expectations I have to keep a tight rein on myself and how I act and what I say. I hate being around people, and talking to people. I have nothing to say to them and couldn’t find the words even if I wanted to. Thank you for the video I think I was meant to see this today. ❤
Don't bother saying anything. Most folks just like the sound of their own voices anyway! If forced into conversational mode, I use the 5 prompts technique - who, what, where, when, how. The longest 'conversation' I have had, without volunteering any personal information, was 3/4 of an hour! E.g. how was your weekend? Who did you go with? What did you do there? When did you get there? Etc. An amusing game! I sound cruel, but on the other hand, I am giving them a chance to express themselves and, occasionally, you learn something!
Sorry you have so much pressure.
@@lynnoorman2144 this made me laugh, it didn’t sound cruel. I’ve been in that situation. And in your head you wonder when is this conversation going to be over
Definitely true. Struggled fitting in my whole life and tried changing myself to do it. Everyone else can tell when you're not being authentic though so it isn't worth the emotional toll. The people you want to fit in with won't care about your quirks anyway. Took me until high school to even start understanding that, honestly.
Be you. That's who I'm interested in hearing.
I'm terrified of people.
Never been good with them.
I would go to the store, try to avoid people, but in the end awkward things always seem to happen. I Walked into a woman once (I often walk with my head down, eyes on the ground.) And this woman tore me down for 10 minutes straight. I walked through the rest of the store in a stone cold haze, when I got home I just broke down.
I have no friends and haven't for a long time, and I have gotten to the point where I enjoy the solitude. Silence doesn't hurt you like people do
I think my doctor thinks I'm mentally inept. They talk to me like I'm going to snap at any moment.
I am ashamed of who I have become.
I don't know what's wrong with me, and I am tired of trying to figure it out.
I hope your journey with unmasking works out for you and you can find your happiness. You deserve it❤
So do you! ❤️
You deserve to exist exactly as you are. This video felt like taking a deep breath compared to your scripted ones. We love the unmasked version of you. Time to unburden yourself of the expectations of others and revel in being congruent and authentically you ❤
You are NOT a loser, period. Those people are fucked up. I had similar reactions from my birth family and my in laws. I also found one person who loves me for who I am and I married him. Thank God for my husband, he helped me save my life.
I am also self-diagnosed autistic, when I realized that I was, I felt like: FINALLY, there really isn't something fundamentally wrong with me! Thank goodness!
Lady, the more of your videos I view, the more taken aback I feel at your tremendous courage.
I'm a good bit older than you and I still haven't found the courage to tell my strange, offbeat, sad story. I'm still alone with it. The bullying started my first day of school, at four years of age. It proceeded to warp my entire life.
I'm just astonished that you find it in you to work out the story of your life I still can't do it. I just feel too ashamed. .
Gosh Cinzia, you start to bring me to tears around 9:30. I still mask quite a great deal because at where I live, I feel like I would really alienate myself if I were to allow myself to truly be. But the strength you showed here and that you show by trying is remarkable and inspiring.
You've done nothing but make my life better since I found your videos.
I never got bullied, and I’m so glad for that. I don’t even know of anyone in my school being bullied.
I have always felt like an outsider. I tried for years to be a certain way to have friends, and I often had a hard time with knowing where the social norm boundaries were (and even got an award for it which, by that time, I was proud of). Once I let that go and just decided to be me, to like what I like, to not try so hard to fit in, life became easier. I don’t always do or say the right thing. Banal chit chat bores me and I struggle to do it. But…I’m much happier. I find it easier to make friends now than I did before.
The freedom to just Be is such a relief.
Two years ago I decided to request an accommodation at work to be able to work from home. The mask was too much to bare. Now, looking back, I can see how much this affected my mental health. Now I can’t go back.
I was diagnosed as autistic (actually, due to when it happened, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome) when I was 30. I am now nearly 50.
I have a tween daughter, and I am seeing her struggle with many of the same things I struggled with. When you describe being told that you are a loser and being made to feel badly because you behave in a way that isn't the "norm" sounds very familiar to me, and one of the things that I have been working with my daughter on is helping her to understand that there's nothing wrong with her "weird" behaviors and reactions, while also recognizing that I can't shield her too much from the world - she has to learn how to deal with other people, but at least she has the advantage of having a parent who understands where she's coming from and works to help her feel okay with being different.
Daar Cinzia, as an late diagnosed autistic adhd person i resonate with what you are saying about masking. Been doing it for 40 years until i couldnt anymore. Until i lost the real me and i didnt know who i am anymore. Now i am trying to unmask. I am so lucky because at home i can be the real me. My husband loves my weird quirky me who flaps her arms when entering a book shop. Be proud of the beautiful unique you that you are. My mantra is: People are aloud to have their opinion but if the people are not in my inner circle, i dont have to do anything about it and with it. It is never good enough and that is their problem. This is the best i can do. And if someone bullies again tell them to go bother someone else because i dont care. You deserve a nice life and a place in it.
I'm thankful that the algorithm recommended this to me. Towards the end I started tearing up because you captured how I've been feeling for a while. Thank you
Lovely video, a few years ago I decided to ‘just be myself’, I have always been ‘a bit different’ to the mainstream and often struggle to relate to what other people are talking about/interested in. Truthfully it’s been overwhelmingly positive. It’s true, some people think I am strange, but I just laugh and agree, I say this is who I am. I refuse to be ashamed of my interests (I am very academic and research everything I am interested in in great depth). I am much happier and less exhausted and the people that do accept me - well they are my tribe ❤ You can be very different to someone and still be friends, if you practice kindness and acceptance yourself.
I feel for you... feeling ashamed about being yourself is a horrible feeling. There is just one you, I hope you can learn to appreciate yourself as we, your subscribers, do. Thanks for being so vulnerable and unmasked in this video.
idk how anyone could hate your accent, its elegant and youre really well spoken
Yes! Cinzia, you are a delight to listen to.
I was just thinking about you a couple days ago as I recently realized I'm on the spectrum. I was thinking of people i know and youtubers i watch and wondered about you. Then only a day later I saw you making this video. I take it as a sign that thinking about you in this light was not a coincidence. ❤ Also you are not a weirdo. You are perfect as you are. Please keep being you. I feel honored to be able to see you more unmasked in this video. You have a wonderful personality and don't ever believe otherwise!
All I can say is congratulations.
As long as you live, you're not "too old" to...live, and I'm really happy for you that you're experiencing being loved for exactly who you are.
I too have molded my life around what others have expected of me, and it did come to a point that I couldn't anymore.
I don't know if anyone reads this, but - as someone who does (as far as I can tell) - a lot of masking and has done so much to improve the strategies behind it, I can say that "being confidently weird" is a really good asset for me.
Luckily I had a big advantage in all school things during my apprentice years (another odd thing I did helped me there), so I experimented with a combination of helping people whenever I can, being confident, friendly and as approachable as humanly possible, while also leaning into the weirdness as much as I felt comfortable with (and a little more sometimes).
I am at a point in life where - for example - if my divorced mom told me that she was going to get married again I could look her dead in the eyes and say with a straight face "my condolence" and be certain that she understands it to be a joke.
With that said, I have a very good memory to have an absolute metric fuckton of sentences ready at any point and I have trained my brain to prepare more of them as I do other things (totaling about 90 to 100 hours of rehearsing what I will say if X every week) and I still sometimes struggle to keep up.
Having said all that, I can't imagine the horror of doing all of the above (if it is indeed similar enough for comparison) on other people's terms
Thank you for peeling back the curtain just a little bit Mrs. DuBois
Keep it up, we believe in you
I am also autistic. I know you Don't have a diagnosis, and you don't need one, of course. But the masking thing you do hit home a lot. I'm an artist and my clothes are my colours and for the world I look insanely weird. Plus, I took off my hair because of sensory issues. So I look extremely odd. One thing is that strangers keep confronting me with their opinions about my looks, and it keeps me in the house a lot. Because these reactions just couldn't script. They bully me everywhere. And I just tried to react nice, which made me even stranger. I now, because of you realise I mask with my family too a lot. Just not with my partner and 1 friend. I'm tired all the time. So maybe I will 😮 your Quest. Letting go of the mask.
Thank you so for sharing your story and we’re honored to be part of your unmasking process.
You're my cup of tea. I am an avid consumer of your view of history. Thank you.
Can't imagine how hard this video was to make. Huge respect. Just because you didn't conform does not make you a loser, and it's terrible those closest made you feel this way. It's a shame society shuns uniqueness. It makes for a rich tapestry of humanity. Your videos are fun and interesting to watch, and I'd happily befriend you in a book shop. I grew up a terribly introverted child, terrified of the world and what it thought of me, mainly because of so called friends pulling me down and using me as a joke. I believed I was insignificant. Like you it took kind people to allow me to be me and bring me out of my shell. Strangely I got the chance to visit my old school last year - an open day before they tore it down. Walking those corridors I realised how much I'd changed since that I was that scared little boy.
I hope this person in your life giving you unconditional love is the turning point in yours. These videos will be a reminder as to how far you've come in the future.
Huge love to everyone struggling to find themselves in this world. We'll get there! :)
Really admire you being so open and upfront on this topic :) had similar experiences and for what its worth, the ones youre safe enough to unmask around get the best you - those who dont accept unmasked ND people are missing out on a hell of a lot of goodness.
Their loss i guess 🤷♂️😊
"Normal" is the oldest fairytale still told today that sometimes remains believed to be true.
Much love to you, Cinzia and partner!
Hope to see more candid and maybe some goofy bits in future videos!
To this day I can hear your lovely voice in that brilliant video about all the cool things you can do on a no-buy, when you may be feeling like this won’t work or is too hard or means doing things that are different from what is “expected” by others: “Now fight the fear.” Love that line.
Your content makes me want to outperform Sisyphus and push that boulder up the hill but instead of being cursed, I'm being motivated? Hopefully that analogy made some sense lol but godamn if it ain't the truth. I implore you to keep it up with the great content & to not let the neurotypical perception of society to get to your head in the process. The world needs more Cinzias who deserve to unveil the mask and feel comfortable in their own skin. I wish you nothing but good luck on your unmasking journey. I know that I'm on a road towards acceptance myself. ❤️
Also, "I flap my arms a lot when I'm excited" was a hard relateable neurodivergent moment. Felt that within my soul.
Not wanting to socialize because that means meeting more people you'll have to continue to mask around really resonated with me. I'm also on a journey to unmask, it's been rough, especially at work because I already felt like anything I said could be grounds for firing. But, I guess the only way to get past the anxiety it causes is to go through the anxiety it causes (UGH)
I used to be similarly wound up and so so unhappy. Letting myself stim made me realise that without it I wasn't letting myself experience joy fully, having to constantly curb my enthusiasm in order to not look "too weird" was a soul crushing battle that didn't really work. I'm still weird even when I'm masking, except I don't have my toolkit to cope wih stress or to show my emotions.
Life's better when I'm surrounded by people who are enthusiastic about what they're interested in, so why should I hide mine?
You really sounds good unscripted. and very understandabkle and , lovely as always.
I think that "weirdo" vibe makes you a pretty engaging influencer , and , yeah you made enthusiadtic research on greek mythology topics that sometimece are niche, i would guess thats, way more interesting than "normal", its you doing your passion. I would guess fans like that.
You're my cup of tea 😊 So happy for you Cinzia and thank you for letting us see you xx
This made me tear up, I recognise a lot of myself in you. Thanks so much for being so open!
❤️❤️❤️❤️ I just started accepting myself. It's scary to be judged but once you don't give AF about what ppl think it's life changing. You are awesome! I resonate with you in so many ways. Keep being you so you can find your tribe more easily❤❤❤
Thanks for your bravery and vulnerability talking about this subject. You sharing your point of view and self understanding can help others. The people that see us as "weird" aren't our people and I hope you find more safe people to be your full self. Thanks for going off script and speaking so openly Cinzia.
This was very honest and I found it special to hear of your own experience. Thank you for sharing it! For myself i realized that being full of shame and kinda terrified of other people made it hard to socialize, I was playing myself like a role for a long time. I wasn’t in a position to actually react to other people so I could only do stuff that I could guess the reaction to. I like myself a lot more these days , I worked on all that shame and have more trust in me. And I find a lot of things in life less difficult. People are less confusing, less scary. I can see them for what they are; a bunch of weirdos, some of them the kind of weird I like others not so much. I don’t put as much thought into why I like others or why they don’t like me. It’s not a matter of survival anymore to find out what I can change to fit in better.
You are one of the most wonderful and relatable people. I'm happy we get to experience the beautiful person you are to your viewers. I wish you more happiness and joy. We're learning from your courage in vulnerability.
This is so relatable. I feel that all my life is masking and now i dont even know which is my true self. Maybe only the version when i m lying on my bed alone and do nothing.
I am so happy you found your safe person! Also hearthbroken for how long it took for you. I am relatively freshly self diagnosed ADHDer, very probably AuDHDer.. as is my partner, and I see the struggle it gets us, being us both this way, but I so much more appreciate, how much we understand each other and help each other unmask and navigate the world. Unrealated, but I also started to read paper books again, so lets see how many lifes it saves
My dear, I’m so sorry you have been treated so badly by those who should have just loved you, period. You are a beautiful, smart and articulate woman. I’m glad you have found someone who accepts and loves ALL of you. I’m proud of you for making this difficult video and I’ve enjoyed seeing you without your mask. And - Welcome to the society of weirdos, I’m a proud member too!
I was in my mid 30s when i finally found friends who did not only accept me, but where as different as i am and where i also could unmask. That helped me so much to accept who i am.
Have you thought about a discord for your followers? To maybe communicate unmasked in a more or less save space?
Having the right people is so important. Just a few days ago I met with friends and told them: "I am sorry if I say stupid stuff, I am tired and the filter is off". They chuckled and we had a great evening saying stupid stuff together.
Just have started the 5 first minutes : it's heartbreaking honestly, I can also relate to your social experience to a certain extend while I feel like I went through this period...
Glad to hear you have found someone who accepts you as you are. I hope someday you will be able to unmask without having to think about it.
PS : You shouldn't be ashamed of your accent, it sounds very classy 👌
This is where I’m at, too. Self-identified Autistic, trying to unmask. I’m trying to take baby steps, and lean on those who are supportive. Best of luck to you ❤
I am familiar with the term, but; I think of it less as a "mask" and more as a language - I am fluent-ish in neurotypical but wont speak it unless forced by circumstance. I don't really regret not being able to "fit in" because fitting in doesn't make me happy. I prefer being on the outside. It has its advantages and sometimes people come to visit. I think more people would be happy if they learned to be alone as well as I am. It's not about WHAT you are, but how GOOD you are at being what you are. I am alone, and I am good at being alone. Many people admire my independence.
I love the rephrasing to see it as a language. I'm a NT learning the ND language so I'm able to communicate with you guys ❤.
We have to unhook our identity from our circumstances. I've seen the true you in your other videos, but this really shines your light. Thank you for your courage and authenticity. Keep.being you .
Your videos are brilliant. I look forward to every one of them. They feed my soul...
Your experience is so spot on matching my own - changed my accent, hiding who I am, the scripting, yes! Then finding someone you can unmask around and the stunning difference. Yes, it is exhausting and strenuous. How exhausting to constantly be someone else while also being unsure if you’re being what or who is acceptable.
I didn’t get the mask off until my mid 40s. Bravo YOU!
This was lovely, unscripted and as _you_ as you’re comfortable with.
Screw shame! Cheering you on to drop the shackles others have made you feel you must wear. Hooray for you! 🙂✨
I’ve resonated with a few of your videos I’ve seen over the recent months, the year not buying stuff, making friends as an adult, and more pertinently this one. Socialising often feels a massive drain.
Regardless it’s something I’m actively working on but it also feels like I’ve got two separate sections of the same life. Two sets of friends
And a job with people I like but ultimately can’t be my full self around.
Just rant posting anywho. Thanks for the video.
I'm not diagnosed but I'm sure I'm autistic. I relate closely to your story, especially the conflicting effects of masking. I unconsciously mask to keep myself safe, but I hate how it affects my ability to be and even know who I am. I too feel like it's a hopeless situation and am currently stuck isolating myself and not really knowing what else to do because getting hurt in social situations can be so deep and lasting, it's hard to keep trying more than occasionally. Nobody even needs to bully me directly, it's just the psychology of being in the situation and just not understanding anything or myself. It's so much.
Being recently married and being accepted by my husband for my true self has helped me so much in figuring out how to be myself without a mask. I hope that in time, the practice I have in this environment will help me feel comfortable being myself more in public (though the thought still makes me cringe), as it's already given me a little more confidence and helped me to be less self-conscious.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us Cinzia!
Thank you for sharing part of your story. Thank you for being brave. I'm sorry that you have been bullied and that it didn't feel safe to be yourself. I am glad you now have someone in your life who accepts you for your true self. I find you articulate and passionate about your field of study. I adore your deep dives into mythology. Watching you is a joy. I felt isolated in most circles growing up. I wasn't invited to parties. I was at an odd age in-between the cool older kids and the adorable younger kids. I leaned into fairy tales and mythologies as my companions. I identified with Cinderella and Vasalisa, pre glow up. (Have you read Women Who Run With The Wolves?) Arguing was a past time in my family. My opinions were steam rolled and I was lied to and told I was wrong, no matter what I said. My voice became very small. I am still working on regaining it. Watching you be brave helps me to find my bravery.
Regarding scripted/unscripted content, this video was highly fluent and I wouldn’t have even considered whether it was scripted or not. Your unmasking has not harmed your content!
Thank you for articulating an experience that can feel impossible to describe. Hoping the like-minded spirits find one another in the world ♥️
I like and admire the unscripted, unmasked, courageous, vulnerable Cinzia! Well done, sister!
Yep, the paralysis of not wanting to be exposed. For me it got to the point where I stopped giving a crap and developed the ability to fire back if someone decided to make it an issue. Accepting the conflict works for me, but conflict isn't for everyone.
Cinzia, what a brave soul you are for laying yourself so bare, thank you so much for helping me understand on so many levels x
Im 65. I have been on the outside, looking in my whole life, and have been bullied because I was different. Here's a few bits that I have learnt. Hope they help. Most other people are also hiding their true selves. Bullies = scared little cowards ( no matter how 'superior' they are job wise). People who call you looser or wierdo are terrified of you because you dont fit in with what they understand. If, and when, you walk away or at least minimise your time with them - its their loss! You come across on RUclips as a fascinating and interesting person of great intelligence. Bright people have always been the outsiders from Thomas Hardy to Steven Fry - Florence Nightingale to Hannah Fry. Treat yourself and others with loving kindness - 'forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do' . Be unique - and be kind to the scared ones. Keep You Tubing, please. I find that I'm think about what you've said days later! Thank you.
Thank you for this video and welcome to the World of Weirdos! We are happy to have you!!!! Never hide who you are for anyone and I personally like you just as you are. If this is the real unscripted you, I am all for it. Very proud of you! Keep on keepin on!
I wish more people would come to this realisation. I am 45 and it took me all this time to not give a 💩 what others think of me. Their opinion is just that, an opinion. I now live my life for me.
Having said that I would add that it is still important to be kind. Living for yourself can sometimes be seen as an excuse to behave awfully towards others.
Thank you for this video. I've been struggling with masking myself and trying to peel off its layers I've so carefully arranged. One thing that has helped me immensely is coming across the term "highly sensitive person". It's a temperament trait that about 20-30% of people have that basically means that you notice more from your environment (both external and internal), you process more of the information, you are more empathetic and you get overwhelmed more easily due to the first two. For me, I've realised it's not autism or ADHD, it's that I am an HSP, more so that I am a "sensation-seeking" HSP, which combines two traits that do not always agree on how I should spend my time and energy!
P.S. Being an HSP is a predisposition for developing different kinds of disorders.
Thanks for sharing this Cinzia, I'm v sorry you were called a loser by people close to you, that is cruelty and bullying and the opposite of true. I relate a lot to masking then having burnout. I thought I had lots of friends before a major burnout but lost most of them after I started to be more authentic. One of them recently really criticised me, called me weird and invalidated my experiences and feelings before ghosting me. It was very painful.
I feel I can no longer mask well and that people notice and don't like me. I've tried to make friends for years but have been ghosted a lot. Now I spend most of my time alone and it can get v lonely. I'm always analysing my interactions with people trying to work out if I 'did something wrong' but it'd be so much better if I could just be myself and be accepted. I need to find more ND people as I find they're usually kind and accepting.
I am 38y.o. neurotypical woman but I also decided some time ago to live mask free in most of my situations. And I have a strong conviction that we all would live easier lives without most of our masks. A year ago I fell in love with an AUDHD woman and I loved all of her different moves and specific ways. I wqs so happy that she felt safe enough with me to show me who she really is and to let me into her world a bit. I would not take it any other way. I hope that we as sociaties learn to be more gratious to each other. Thanks for the video and good luck with you unmasking journey. I hope it will make your life lighter and happier❤
My most startling experience of masking as a concept was when a person I knew suddenly unmasked to me, by revealing a set of their unusual quirks in short order. They had already clocked my autistic behaviour but I had no idea about them.
Evening Cinzia, good to see you
I'm so glad there finally is someone in your life who sees just how fantastic you are. I noticed in a recent video how much you were laughing and it made me very happy for you. I'm also waiting on a diagnosis, it's tough. We'll get there, eventually.
I have autism and the exhaustion from simply existing in the world described in this video runs so parallel to how I've been feeling. I was also made fun of and ridiculed for nearly my entire childhood, well into my 20's. I wasn't officially diagnosed with autism until around a year ago. One of the only people that I've ever felt like I could be myself around was my mother (and to a much less extent my father). I'm in my mid thirties now and moved them closer to me about a year ago because of their declining health. A long story short, both have died since - my father from stomach cancer and my mother from a series of heart attacks. Ever since I've found it even more difficult to leave bed, let alone the house. Socializing has become even more difficult and I wonder if it's because of a combination of masking and feeling like my best support system has fallen away so suddenly.
People who have issues with you, that's their problem not yours. Your awesome. Thank you for making your videos. I've been unmasking for about 10 years now. It's part of what helped me heal the PTSD rage and anxiety, and the OCD lunatic that lived in my head. Anyone who liked the masked me has their own internal issues they need to work on, and that's not my problem. I'm only responsible for my intentions, my actions, and my internal dialogue. Good luck! It's quite the shock some times when you realize just how deep the masking goes.
There is so much I would like to answer to this, but it would be too many words. I feel you have been so brave Cinzia in aligning with your authenticity and being on your own side in doing this, nurturing your most vulnerable authentic self by alllowing it to come out. This to me is true self care. It is such a difficult balance in allowing ourselves to be who we feel we truly are, and also realizing there are boundaries and degrees of sharing, in contexts and with certain people. Brene Brown speaks a lot around vulnerability and shame and she does address the fact that we also need to choose who deserves to hear and see our most vulnerable parts. Whoever does get to know you in depth is a very lucky person. Love and Light your way Cinzia ✨🌷
I wanted to watch for my son who masks at school & quickly realized I mask too … I would get super excited jump up&down clap etc and other girls would look at me like I was so disgusting & embarrassing & tell me to stop. Thank you for this video. Sending lots of love & support 🖤🖤🖤
I hope your channel makes you realise how helpful you have been to others like you, and how loved and absolutely admired and respected you are :) X
As an aspie I totally hear you! I often mask around people simply because it's very hard to go without, I don't trust a lot of people because of my past. Which makes me so grateful that I have people around me now that actually accept me for all I am and help me unmask so I can just be me. Please remember even without an official diagnosis, you are valid and I personally so proud that you talk about such difficult subjects and please keep sharing!
OMG i can relate to so much of what you just said, wow!! I am so happy for you , that you are on that stage of unmasking…. I wouldn’t even know how to begin, i dont even know who the real me is. Hopefully i will find a way to unmask soon because it is exhausting and depressing that for sure. Thank you so much for making this video, im sure it was really hard, but its thanks to people like you that are brave enough to speak up that i know i am not alone in the world. Thank you ❤
There are so many supportive comments here, that you should read, and be encouraged by. Personally, I love your videos and the personality behind them. Be exactly who you are, and only change what you decide to change, for you and only you. Who you are makes you stand out, and that’s what makes your channel distinct. None of us is perfect, but no one gets to dictate who you are. You opening up has given me a lot of strength. I’m sure it’s done the same for many, many others.
I absolutely relate to this, the exhaustion is getting heavier and I just wanna throw the need to mask in the bin. I’ve had to change myself around different people, adopting others’ passions or interests that weren’t even mine for starters…It’s a process but it’ll be so liberating; I’m still learning though!
So glad you found someone who accepts you for who you are, we all need one (or more) people like that! Thank you so much for sharing, very empowering ❤
Best of luck on your journey - the world deserves the genuine you
Thank you
I really enjoyed the unscripted video format. It didn't seem any less "perfect" or engaging than the fully scripted ones.
Take heart. You are far stronger and more courageous than you give yourself credit for. Anyone who has ever viewed your videos knows this.
I was told frequently during my childhood that I am strange. Now, when I am an "adult", I have huge problems with getting a job. Interestingly enough, they usually like my CV (in like 40% of the time), but when they see me in real life and speak with me, they get to know that I have strange speaking patterns and am not big on watching people in the eyes. I am worrying about not being able to secure a job at least few times every week, sometimes just breaking down and pacing for hours, that greatly annoys my mom. I just do not know what to do. I am very seriously thinking that my life ended when my childhood ended, and it was much better to be bullied in school then being actually incapable of doing anything that adults have to do. I have never been in a relationship, never held a job for more than one season, never lived alone and am continuing unpractical education (and I have no willpower to break through those courses that I am not interested at). I am seen as a child even by people younger than me. I genuinely do not know what to do with my life. I am not even capable to form habits, I am just behaving on my impulses. Honestly, If at some point my health will fail me, I will not even be mad. I cannot see bright future for myself anymore.
I wish I had the energy to write a long comment with lots of encouragement and empathy, but I don't think I know how. So let me just say: I wanted to give you a big hug all this time, because you told MY story just as much as your own. I cried through the whole thing, especially the bit about losing your passions, feeling ashamed about who you are and being incredibly constricted in your own skin. I get it. I'm very sorry - but also very happy you found someone you can take that heavy mask off with. I hope that person is out there for me, too, one day!
Normality is overrated. I love this channel so much!
Thank you so much for sharing. It's incredibly reassuring to hear and I especially relate to finally feeling seen and loved by someone once you're able to unmask around them. I hope to follow in your suite in a way and learn to unmask more around whoever is around.
I do understand the “masking” . It started at school, however I managed to subvert it at GSE & ALevel and degree level by out-performing my fellow pupils and appearing a cheerful soul, It has always been an undercurrent though and I definitely understand the bloody fatigue of putting one foot in front of another, every damned day.
I too have always found escape in books and also a relief in growing and learning about the many “weird” cacti and succulent plants that I grow. Managing to germinate what seems to be a dust particle (seeds can be this tiny) and nurturing it into a living plant is a joy.
Plants and cats, don’t criticise.
Bless you on your journey 🤗
Another great 😊 Cinzia. It’s so hard to be authentic to yourself and be that person to others. I think that’s why so many never take the chance at a relationship or changing careers. Honestly, I don’t care what other people think. But that’s why I’m single and live alone like a monk. Thank you again Cinzia.
Thank you for sharing this. I find you videos informative and they help me recognize struggles similar to what you describe among my own family members and in myself.
I admire your courage! I hope over time you will drop referring to yourself as ‘strange’ or ‘abnormal’, but simply different from most in some ways. As many of the greatest have been different!
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Cinzia, thank you for this video and all of your videos. I watch you specifically because it is you and I find you incredibly thoughtful, compelling, interesting and likable, no less so today when you were unscripted ❤
I'm a dx Autistic person and you're basically describing the Au experience, esp how Masking gives you fatigue, that you hand flap, being scared of meeting people, the severity of your Masking (how much it hurts you), how you have been bullied, decompressing from bullying by having a shutdown (hiding in closet = dark and quiet), scripting, not matching your peers in speech, feeling fake or ashamed after socialising, giggling to let out energy during socialising. Perhaps you should take the RAADS-R? It's a free online Au screening tool, a study showed it is highly accurate. The Allistic score is
Okay, so this might not mean much to you, since you don't know me, but I like you
It's so nice to have people like you to relate to online. And I'm not talking about parasocial relationships. I feel like there's a whole community of us, and we don't know each other, but we're not alone. Hypothetical friendship? Yeah, I think we have a lot of hypothetical friends
Anyway. Consider that people like you without you knowing