Authentically Developing Self-Worth | Being Well Podcast
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- Опубликовано: 17 июн 2024
- It’s one thing to feel good about what we do, and another to feel truly worthy from the inside out. When we increase our self-worth it allows us to take our needs more seriously, get on our own side, and change our lives for the better.
On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick Hanson and I explore how we can develop a more durable sense of self-worth. We talk about self-worth vs. self-esteem, what causes people to lack self-worth, Rick’s personal story of developing a true sense of worthiness, and why more self-worth probably won’t turn you into a narcissistic a**hole.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
0:55 The value of self-worth
2:45 Will improving my self-worth turn me into a narcissist?
5:50 What makes people more likely to struggle with self-worth?
6:55 Distinguishing self-worth from self-esteem
9:40 Rick’s own journey to a better sense of self-worth
15:30 Inner attacker, inner nurturer, and the beleaguered self.
20:10 The process of building up your nurturing parts
27:35 Investigating negative stories we tell ourselves
31:30 Mutual rapport and being loving
34:25 Social aspects of developing self worth, and why therapy works
39:00 Non-social aspects
39:55 Relating to yourself from a less ego-oriented perspective
46:20 Vulnerability and tenderness in our interactions with others
47:50 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson
I never tire of listening to you two talk. Your dad 's tenderness and compassion are so nourishing. Thank you.
I'm on this journey now. I'm 49yo and I'm just giving myself permission to actually like myself. This is such a revelation to me.
Me too! ❤
How to be your own best friend.
me too! 50 at the end of this month and it’s about damn time I let myself be ok with me!!!
🥰
Probably because many of us devoted our lives to our kids and now they’ve moved onto being parents themselves in a time the world has went totally insane. So there is that
Wish I had even an ounce of this kindness and compassion growing up. You are both very informative, and I deeply appreciate the insights, but there is also this additional element of comfort that I receive from just listening to you both accepting, respecting and affirming each other. I'm glad you're here.
Finally someone who has that goodness within them to give these gems of therapeutic knowledge combined with how YOU did it and making yourself vulnerable, so others can really learn and heal when they can’t afford to pay and even when they can it’s hard to find the kind of therapist who has really done the work on themselves so they can pass it on to you.
❤
👏👏Great episode, great comment! 👍
So so true ❤🥰
Wow. This is an outstanding mix of wisdom, compassion, professionalism... a conversation that I will never have with my father except in my deepest imagination. Truly an insightful gift to a needy world that too often hates itself and others. Seeds of hope and healing. Thank you guys!! Looking forward to much more.
Thank you Tim!
I love this! I have an internalized system I developed when stories arise: I imagine I'm an Editor in Chief of a newspaper and a reporter has brought me a "story". I sit back and question the reporter. "Is this story valid? Where does it come from? Is there any value in continuing to print/run or go with this story?"
It's a system that puts the higher Self/Wise Adult in the driver's seat!
Nice advice 👍🙏😇
I love that, I should try it!
Yes!! I often tell myself my story as if I'm telling my best friend. And see what my best friend would think/ tell me. It's worked great. Thanks for validating that I'm not a little nuts for doing that. Or at least there are 2 nuts 😂
@@sunnyadams5842 That's a lovely idea~. It's good to know others are working on all of this too!.
I like this analogy very much. Our imagination is so real and powerful and can be used for healing!
I am in IFS therapy and struggle with the "You are worthy because you are you" or "because you are a human". All my life I thought worth & value were based on accomplishment/responsibility and it is difficult to change that perspective. I was essentially a parentified as a child since one of my parents were unable to do that. My value was given on how much I could do or help around the house.
This is very common for parentified children, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with it!
Yes I hear you and experienced the same
This is so on point for me today. I have been talking to a tattoo artist about an earth mother tattoo to remind me each day that I am allowed to matter- that I am meant to be here on earth for my own sake. I am 65
I really appreciate you bringing attention to the socio-economic, ethnic/racial, and established social structures that affect different demographics in different (yet similar) ways. As a bi-racial Black woman, I still struggle with feeling confident, especially in arenas where people look different than me, or in the modern age of dating. I have the shell that I am beautiful, worthy, strong, this and that but internally, subconsciously even, there's a lingering doubt and worry that maybe some aspect of me still doesn't measure up to some degree. I appreciate this conversation - I wish this could be a public roundtable event!
I'm really happy to get that feedback Mysia, means a lot to me.
Thw way you and your dad speak with eachother sometimes makes me tear up 😂 so much love, respect and compassion
Listening to you two is one of my favorite things to do, so calming. I struggle with agoraphobia and ocd and am just now realizing that a lot of my fears come from fear of being seen, judgment of others, low self esteem and low self worth. This was very helpful for me to hear today❤️
I have found Jung;s Shadow archetype useful in understanding how to recover a sense of self-worth through relating to and loving the rejected part of myself. Somatic re-experiencing has been crucial in this work.
Similar idea expressed by Forrest at 26:00.
This episode is SUPER great. So important and you both are such loving and intelligent men, so refreshing.
You’ve grown so much in a year. I’m so proud of you
Worth was there from the day we were created and it is unchangeable. What changed is our perception of it
This is really meaningful, thank you. No one really lays it out like this and it is very easy to understand.
Thank you so much for your series of podcasts on this topic. I really hope you can expound on in future podcasts about the specific experiential ways we can learn healthy self worth and self esteem! Rick spoke briefly about beginning to notice more, when he was young, the daily experiences that would reinforce his confidence and how he used that to build his sense of self worth. That caught my attention. But when the conversation was more conceptual I found myself wanting to know what these practices would look like and how they would actually be applied practically….In a nutshell: GIVE ME MORE! Ha Ha! Thank you both again for your podcasts! I love and appreciate them so much!❤
Thanks Karen! It's a great idea.
I love your connection and banter. I hope you can really appreciate the healthy communication you have with each other.
My parents are narcissists and they tried to make me the scapegoat which I unknowingly was for years.
I am looking for a chosen healthy family that respects me, where I can develop healthy relationships and community with people.
Me too. Or I will be some time in the near future. I'm starting to get to a point where I trust myself to discern healthy from trouble. Now, getting a way to get out and about...that's the next hurdle. Good luck with your new Family if Choice 💜
You guys hit the nail on the head. I haven't heard a greater explanation of self-worth, the dynamics of how it didn't develop in a person and also how to build it in oneself. Thank you both for your insights and compassion!
I am lucky to have stumble upon this podcast (I am on a healing journey). With gratitude,
A
Very powerful and reassuring. My sister, the fundamentalist Christian, is the accuser who sees sins in others. I hear her voice very often in my head. It's so paralyzing.
I have a sister who is part of the Evangelical movement and has been for decades. Very harsh standards regarding individuals and humanity. The extreme aspects are more common these days. She struggles but in general black and white prevails. I cannot break through the barriers given I’m viewed as a sinner past and present. I feel it’s necessary to limit my contact with her because it feels painful to interact.
I definitely need a more genuine sense of self-worth in my life 😅
Man, sometimes it's hard to watch you two interact with each other because you have such a lovely raport. My father is a narcissist (my mother, too) and he never talked to me in a healthy, normal way. My self-esteem is deeply related to how I was treated by him and my mother. I'm trying to repair the damage they've done but it's hard. Thanks, you two.
I benefit greatly from your podcast, and I deeply appreciate the work that you do. The warmth and respect you show each other while having meaningful conversations is profoundly touching. Thank you.
Are these two men not the most respectful gentle big brained people on the planet? Lovely interaction that has helped me a lot
SO TRUE, every word you guys speak resonates. As a parent this relationship is extraordinary- have you always been so close and open with one another.
i cried through most of this lol. tied to self-worth, at least for me... would you ever talk about lying? where it comes from, ways to communicate through it both when someone is lying to you and when you have lied/feel the urge to lie, how to deal with persistent lying issues (observed in yourself or others), etc.? i would really be interested in your thoughts on this topic.
Oof, for sure, this is a hard one. I'll put it in my "episodes we should probably do at some point" doc.
Yes true! I lied a lot as a child and find it easy to lie to myself. Would be a good topic!
Lying can be a useful survival tool in a sick system. When we heal more we lie less. Naturally.
Heidi Priebe talks about this in a very non judgemental way.
The insights and the wisdoms imparted this conversation is priceless..Grazie..🙏♥️🤗
Beautiful really had to take this one slow to absorb and relate to who what why influences my messy village , The statement that reallystood out at the beginning of the podcast was "It's really hard to take action on your own behalf if we don't feel we are worth the results". 🙏🏽
Thank you so much for your podcasts. You are two good people. ❤️
I am a woman who has been in search of self worth since childhood 😢❤
Thank you so much 💓 wise wise words from your dad in the end and both of you all the way
I gave them unconditional love. I love them so much it kinda hurts, probably because I can’t understand why my mother didn’t feel that naturally for an innocent baby she had brought into this difficult messy world.
That’s how it was for me as well. 57 and parents were mostly self absorbed in my area
@@dessiecoder9446 57 here too and just started this real journey 2 years ago. It's funny how many of us there are in this situation at this exact age! What went wrong in our parent's generation? Seems there was something in the water!!!
I still have a hard time believing my mom has so little natural maternal instinct. I have more protective instinct about my sunglasses than she has/has toward me. W is wrong with these people?
@@sunnyadams5842
Sounds like my mother too...our mothers had childhood trauma too.
At 8 I made that differentiation and knew I could part from my family’s hurt !
I love this podcast in general, and especially this episode. I've done so much work on this issue already, only to uncover that there's much more to do. I was feeling discouraged today, and this episode gave me hope again. I felt lifted when Rick talked about how on some level the self becomes irrelevant. I've had a sense of this before, and hope to again, once I've learned to truly change my codependent patterns. I also loved the part about loving others as a route to loving yourself.
Heartfelt Gratitude and Thanks to Father and Son for bringing their discussions to us with such authenticity. These conversations prompt some such sediments of Experiences and Ideas that have hitherto not been addressed since childhood. Thank You ....Best Regards ...
This is great!! Need more of this ❤
So much respect for you and your father. My book shelf will be more full in the future !
Forest your relationship with your father is heartwarming ❤️🩹
Thank you for these podcasts, they have been so very helpful in my practice. I have also been able to recognize many of the things I have experienced in my life and am now working through more completely.
That was beautiful sweethearts! So healthy, so addictive to feel reassurance of what you feel, what you're conscious, and what you're aware of. It isn't alien but a loving/healthy way of living.
Nevertheless, I don't want to come across as the loving self because I can be an unloving monster when I feel emotionally abused, tormented, and disrespected.
Voila! I'm addicted to you (plural). So beautiful! Merci, gracias, thank you, grazie, todah, takk, etc. etc. I can go on and on how I love being worldly and devonear. Don't you? Once again, thank you.
😕🐌
Thank you for these podcasts! They make me feel so much calmer afterwards, and this episode made me realize some of my self esteem/confidence issues make me hyper vigilant of how I’m being perceived. I have had times and moments where I feel like the ‘adhd’ goes away and I can do anything. I think y’all gave me another piece to my puzzle wrapped in my self acceptance, esteem, and confidence.
Especially useful. Both of you are so soothing to listen to. Thank you.
This was so very helpful. It's the self understanding Ive been trying to arrive at for so long. Like someone turned a light on in a dark room Ive been in for a long time.
Phenomenal podcast! Very soothing for the soul. Thank you 🙏
Thanks guys, I’ve been resisting this for days thanks. 💕
Thank you for this. Beautiful souls, truly beautiful.
Thank you so much! This is very helpful!!
I love your podcasts!!! Thank you for helping so many people!
discouraging, when i face my fears, instead of avoiding hard conversations or difficult decisions, THAT is what gives me a deep satisfaction..it's always easier to do nothing..
This was extremely useful! Practical tools as a roadmap to worthiness. With some really real, tender, kind moments thrown in. Thanks, guys❤
thank you both
This is such a great video ❤ so wise!!! Thank you for making this :)
i’ve been trying to do this tough guy act for a while now. it feels scary not being tough because I’m on my own, but it’s just not me. i even tried to adopt my old religion and things in vain. i really hope i can reconnect with the person i abandoned in the last 10 years.
i love the recaps on all your videos. i also love binging them lol. anyways, thanks so much for providing helpful content for people who welcome change 💕
Thanks so much !! Your lesson was so insightful by both of you Father and Son 😊 😊. I feel that it was exactly what I needed to hear being at the moment with a relationship not being loved back the way I like to triggering the emotions that I was never used to being diminished my self confidence. It is a part that a man can have a part off when his identity is compensating in ways that are not loyal questioning his own needs and triggers from his own difficulties growing up. Never-the less I agree that is all caused by the the ways this world which hurts our inner child etc.
Thanks again.
I ❤this content so much thank you so much
powerful episode. thanks for sharing
Really GOOD!
Very very helpful
Self worth, to me, means conquering something I feared..there is no greater feeling than facing something so frightening and
Thanks for being there....
I’m so self-blaming for not having this relationship with my children. I did have it when they were younger, but I lost it for some reason.
This episode is so helpful and soothing to listen to, thank you for a great podcast! I have a question about the somatic experience of low self worth. For someone who is HSP, how can we regulate the inner feelings of panic arising inside due to the low self worth while being ”bombarded” by sensory and emotional impressions? How do you reduce the somatic markers that cause such a strong feeling of over stimulation and needing to withdraw? Is it possible to build a protective filter so that only some of the sensory and emotional stimuli reach the mind?
ridiculed criticized and devalued by parents and then nuns inprivate school... the other kids quickly got the message that I was less than and a great target to be bullied. Thus, I absorbed and adopted the same feelings about myself. Then I went on to marry a very demanding critical narcisist. Still swimming upstream in my 70s
Chapter starting 20.10 😇🪄 that was where the pure magic moment happened for me. Learning where to find it and apply it to myself, the rest will just take time and remembering to fill that empty bucket 🪣 every day until it’s full and there’s some that just spills over onto other people
Thanks
You haven't even started the podcast and I've decided to marry you so I can hear your voice every day!😂❤
At about 11:45 I'm deeply struck by Rick's observation that there need not be dramatic abuse or praise either. Simply listen to a child. Give them your undivided attention a few minutes a day. Huge. Not hard.
You briefly touch on a topic that resonates. Listening. Being listened to. Have you done podcast with this focus? Thanks.
We've done a number on effective communication, which includes listening as a key component. But I think you're right, we could definitely pull it out on its own as a full episode.
@@ForrestHanson I hope so. In 2020 i had a few over-the-phone sessions with a licensed mental health counselor. Just being listened to non-judgmentally, having someone be present for you, that was therapeutic on its own. I felt validated. I felt worth something. I felt human. Kind wishes from Texas.
My goodness this was sooo GOOD. How can I get I touch with Elizabeth, didn’t catch her last name, for therapy. TIA
very helpful. But I do think differently on the point of having a more loosely sense of self. To me, it's the opposite: the more solid i feel about my self, the better I feel in tune with a "self"
I'm having such a big struggle with this.
I would think that the earlier childhood attachment wounding(ages 0-5) need relational healing- very hard to find in todays therapy modalities, whereas later childhood and adulthood trauma can be self or cognitive based- thinking your way out
Yes times were hard in different ways in early America but imagine how screwed up my grandkids are going to be with this madness in schools right now. Unreal. Glad it’s not on me to deal with that. Parents will also be blamed and kids will need therapy big time in a decade if not sooner.
Any chance an unedited version of this is available?
I'm a good egg. I KNOW I am.
You guys are great but it hurts to listen and know how different it could've been. At 18:30: Imagine if you could go back...but I can't, and sometimes it really is too late
Music therapy.
And ecstatic dance!
Hi, just subscribed. Truly great to see mutual respect & appreciation between a father & son. But what about self-love?
You cannot pour out love from an empty vessel. Nor if you fear that what you have is poisoned or not good enough.
Try saying "I love you" outloud to your Self, and follow through with some evidence. For me it was a revelation that I could give myself the love I had been waiting & hoping for from others all my life.
If all of us could have a dad like him.....even at 57 😁. I don’t think most people have dad’s like this though.
😭🥰
Not sure I agree that all sense of low self-worth comes from outside. In Buddhis, there is the idea that the 'true entity of all phenomena/ includes and external cause and an internal cause. FRom a Jungian perspective, the unconscious life of each parent may interact with the Shadow archetype which in latent in the child.
How can I feel so much love for my children and hate myself?
Maybe it wasn’t my fault entirely.
3:40
I decided at age 8: it's not me who's messed up here!
Can native speakers tell me what local US accent Forrest is speaking in? Sounds like British at times.
Rick and I are from the California Bay Area
Ohh dear a loud rap music ad.
Feel so guilty to like me. Don't know how..strange..not the pretending to like me...massage..nails...show yourself some love girl...etc...etc ...not that. the actual liking myself...like liking liking...,
Like I like petunias, Bony my greyhound, etc etc.
Accept me but in a numby kind of way. Strange.
Narcissists don’t have self worth
Crazy how many people don’t know that’s a mask
How do women develop self worth while being told by men that their mate value decreases over time and their worth depends on their looks and that “men don’t care how educated you are, we only care what you look like”? How do women feel worth it, where we can leave a relationship even if we are 30+? How are we supposed to have hope that we will find someone better, including better looking?
Edit:
These stories are obviously told by men so they can keep women oppressed and controlled.
Evidence against
There are plenty of girls older than me who are single as well. An Indian girl I know who isn’t even good looking and who has no ass who was 30 got married to a Palestinian decent looking guy.
“Who has no ass”. Sorry but your awful attitude toward women shows that you are hugely misogynistic yourself. Probably why you can’t get a guy….
Stop telling people what to do. If I have been an awful person then I SHOULD feel bad about it. NOT good.
Thank you for this wonderful podcast! It deeply resonates with me. 🙏🫶