The Messy Loneliness of Being Single: An Interview with Matthew Hussey
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- Join me as I sit down with the renowned relationship coach Matthew Hussey, author of the upcoming book "Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily (No Matter What)." In our conversation, we get into the nitty-gritty of why relationships can be so hard and what you can do to navigate the maze of modern dating. Matthew shares tangible steps for cultivating self-love and setting boundaries that foster genuine relationships.
Pre-order his book, out April 23rd, LoveLifeBook.com
I'm 62 years old. I have a bit of living under my belt. I have 2 quotes posted on my kitchen cupboards that speak exactly about what you are talking about:
Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.
To he happy you must: Let go of what's gone. Be grateful for what remains. Look forward to what is coming next.
And yes, life brings beautiful things/ people to you. Let's celebrate them and be thankful for them. Life also brings difficult times and experiences. Let's also thank life for them. They bring sorrow, wounds, grieving, but they are all there to teach us something and bring us forward on our life path.
Amen Lyne! Have a great day!
My guy! Thanks for having me on the channel. I loved this conversation with you.
Thank you to everyone watching, and those of you vulnerably commenting. ❤
Thanks for being there for us ❤ I know that you didn't ask for any recommendations, but please try sapien medicine video for ear inflammation, it doesn't take long to see if it works for you
Self-compassion, grace, acceptance…things we all struggle with but STRUGGLE to share. But these are the conversations that give our lives direction and meaning. Thank you.
Thank you Matthew! Wow! What an eye opener! I just turned 65, and have thought, "can I die of loneliness", and this is not only about "romantic love", but friendships, etc. am tired...tired of being on my own all the time, and really want a pure connection. this was brilliant., oh, and than's Matthias lol, I'd never heard of you until now when I searched for Matthew online and came upon this video..I'll be following you also.
Matthew is an amazing human... so insightful to the human condition. This was a great exchange. I love David Whyte.. I treasure one of his sayings. "Your soul would rather you fail at your own life than succed at someone elses."
What a revelation to hear two open-hearted emotionally mature men talking insightfully, instead of the surface talk that is littered around the web. Thank you both, its soul soothing.
I've been single for the first time after 15 year in relationship. I have a full social life, a good career and meet interesting women regularly.
And yet my deep wish to meet someone to build with, to deepen life with, to have an intimacy with - both emotional and sexual - that I do not get anywhere else, does not get met. It does regularly fill me with sadness and longing. There are many moments of surrender and peace, but also those aching Friday evening 8pm moments.
Especially the part about not eternally wanting casual hook ups, resonates. I've experienced the depth of sexual intimacy and frankly it is very frustrating to not be able to unleash that energy in full if you - like me - are not attracted by lose sexual connections.
Thank you for being so nuanced, and to connect to our collective heartache ❤
I’m guilty for feel sad for single people .. now in my 54 year -I am beginning to see the benefits of it …
Here I goooo!!
Being single is highly underrated
And highly overrated at the same time
Can I just give a 10/10 for the sheer quality on every level ! This was wholesome to the max . I’m so here for this , deeply resonating with it all .
Matthias, you have changed my life with your wisdom and words this year. Thank you! I love this video and needed to hear this exactly when it was released. 💛💛💛 God is good and he’s used you both to help communicate with me.
Such a great company on the way home after a long busy day! What I noted down to remember:
What's my plan B and how could I make it even more beautiful than I could have imagined?
When you are 'happy enough' you then have the energy back to make that plan B a new and more beautiful plan A.
You might realise you are not the best judge of what should be your plan A. Don't rigidly hold on to the picture of what you think plan A should be - you might miss out on the adventure of your life = ambition is frozen desire. It lacks humility, it has no curiosity about all the ways life is going to bring us joy and meaning that have nothing to do with what we decided to be ambitious about.
Life was never going to be easy.
Experience is living. It's wrong to think that when we are having a bad experience that's not living, that we are living only when we have a good one.
In the lowest moments, one thing you can hold on and count on is the fact that things change: the situation will change and how you feel will change.
Thank you both !
Thank you for this beautiful comment. It encouraged my heart in ways not even related to the world of relationships.
Love these notes, thank you for sharing. The Plan A/B stuff was resonating, especially when Matthias realized that his plan B of having kids surprised him as a wonderful plan A he never imagined could bring that much joy.
At 10:56 they’re discussing that societal stigma of being single sometimes having a negative aspect to it. I just turned 40 in July. I have 2 girls, I was with their dad for 10 years, it’s been about 5 years since I finally ended it for good. I’ve done a LOT of mental health work since then. My dad who I was so so so close to, passed away in 2020. So I’ve dealt with a lot of grief, and then realizing and working thru that childhood trauma. I’m still working on that stuff. I feel like what Matthew was talking about, the internal desire to have companionship. I would love to feel so deeply in love with this man, and he is so deeply in love with me….its VERY lonely, and it’s hard not to question, why haven’t I found someone?
I never realized that Mr Matthias J Barker, has a RUclips Channel. Thank you, RUclips, for recommending.
What an inspiring talk, especially the second half. Practicing gratitude for what I have now in my life.
"The only constant in life is change."
Man oh day. How cool! You've both contributed so much to my life over the years. Thank you.
Matthew Hussey is amazing
This has been such an incredible conversation. Thank you both x
I feel broken. And I don’t and haven’t used dating apps bc I’m afraid of getting hurt (I guess that’s being kind saying it like that) bc I have “been hurt” by 2 people I knew before. And I knew these people but never imagined that would ever happen. I want to be in love, be loved but I’m not running into anyone grocery shopping or in church. I’m “friends “ with my 3 exes, who all cheated and hurt me. I don’t hold anything against them, obviously. I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me? I can be alone and have been for years and at times, happy. However, the depression that comes and goes, thankfully not as much as it used to be but it’s almost debilitating. Finding happiness alone, doing things and loving everyone else has not taken away that I know I’m a good person, selfless and incredibly loving but I’ve had 3 long term relationships and never been married, no children (can not have them 💔) I was a loving parent to my ex’s son from elementary school and he’s in high school now. It has almost been 2 years since my ex cheated and the relationship ended and I’m so grateful my ex said I will never get in the middle of your relationship with him. I said, and I’ll always let it be up to him. I don’t see him in person bc we now live 4 hours away but we (me and his amazing son) stay connected through text, FaceTime, and IG. So, I’m beyond grateful for him and our relationship. But, I have long stretches of “I’m good, I don’t need anyone.” I don’t need anyone, I want to love and be loved in a HEALTHY relationship. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I just know no one has ever truly loved me. It’s a harsh reality when you’re a person who loves with all of my being. I’m sorry. I’ll probably come back and delete this.
Thanks for your text. You first sentence "I feel broken" quickly caught my eye, since it's something I fear sometimes, that I may be broken from really bad situations I had to live through. And at the same time, I'm also a person that loves a lot (friends and lovers) and it's so difficult seeing how some of them abuse you and don't respect you. Now at least I feel like I have good friends I can rely on. Life is messy, as they say in the video. I wish you good luck and, if you need to talk, don't hesitate to reach out.
@@perrykataoThank you! I truly appreciate your empathy and supportive and compassionate connection. I absolutely appreciate you offering your time if I need someone, is incredibly generous as that’s the one thing we can give someone and not get that time back. So, thank you!!❤❤❤
What a PURE / AMAZING conversation !!! ❤❤❤
This was incredibly eye-opening. God bless you guys in your work!
Thanks to you both so much. One of the best conversations ever as it gets to the very core of being a human and which is about love. I have been single for most of my life and now at 55 I truly want to give up on hoping for it and that it can still happen in future. Like they said I want to give up my desire to be with someone as it's just too painful to keep hoping or wishing for something that seems just too hard to find. Some people find love easy for some reason, some struggle like me. I think it's legitimate to want love in our life. The truth is not having it bring suffering and this cannot just be played down. I hate people who have a partner telling but a bad partnership can be worse. Not helping really. And I can never be fully happy and I will always be said to the end of my life about not having love in my life.
Having said this, I will aways want to wish everyone still find love if they wanted to.
Would you not refer to singlehood as a disease. There are myriad couples who aren't in harmony and are very unhappy/imbalanced together and that can easily be labeled as a disease/cliche. Words are powerful! A relationship in alignment and in harmony is an added bonus to an already aligned life in harmony.
He says it's viewed as a disease, not that he personally believes it is.
You completely took what they were saying out of context
I think what is left out of the conversation is that some people want to find someone trust worthy by and willing to help them out financially. Things are so expensive now you’re paying a lot for lower quality things.
I absolutely loved this podcast! Thank you so much ❤
I am so glad that I found your channel!😁
Looking forward to hearing this whole thing. I enjoy learning from both of you guys.
This is so cool seeing both of them together.
Now mindset from matthias , "
1 thing to count on is change". 😀
Ive always wondered this and would really love it if you maybe talk about: how to deal with the grief of losing a lost one
Gratitude that you are in my life 🙏
I haven’t had good luck that’s for sure. Married to a really dark person who represented himself completely differently. I was in my late 30’s so derailed a lot of “family” plans. The next serious relationship, he lied about his sexuality. I have had people say to me- you’re still looking for that? As if when you turn a certain age 50- it won’t happen and you should give up. It’s a tough process when you really want a partner. I think singles feel left out of many convos-whether it’s friends, family or even politics. With the exception of JD;) every convo is the benefits for families and every other group out there. No one is talking about those with no kids, yet the financial burden is higher- you aren’t sharing costs with anyone. Sometimes it just feels like we are living for everyone else.
my biggest problem with therapist, been with a few of them, but... as an intelligent person, i know whats wrong with me. i've taken the classes, i've been around. i just dont know how to fix it. how do i fix it
there was a Lithuanian president a woman who was never married Dalia Grybauskaite btw :D
This is so wonderful guys 👏❤
I hope one find the right person ❤️
A dog solves so much of these needs;)
I’m only 20 and I’m fucking hopeless who gives a shit about anything I’m just gonna be one of those people that makes the most of it…it horrifies me
Goodness, must say you both are a good example for so many people in brokeness because of Love and making wrong choices. But the ways you learned from it , was actualy life goes on. The dissapointment and pain is training new thoughts, go on inspite of the fact you dont know were to. Look forward and to adapt in a new plan for the future. Learn to trust our Lord because HE knows your Heart and desires..
I was in this same senario too, and I am happy alone and have the most wonderfull kids and grandkids.I am so greatfull for my mistakes, it seems to be my innersoul and mind was not always insync. But I found peace in my mistakes, learn from it and became a better ME..
BY THY GRACE!
grandkids, and I am so tha 48:26 nkful for
Inspired!
I got really fortunate to find the one but I don't think I could do it again. I had God helping me the first time around. Doing it on my own would not work very well. I'd probably need a lot of support should anything happen to him.
I just divorce Last year and everybody on my age are having a family....I dont so I Think they dont fell confortable, so im alone😢
I love you guys both ❤🎉
11:14 🥹 so true
so so good ya'll
I was just recently watching a video of yours in the Trauma super conference where you talked about people pleasers. It was very informative. I must ask if you have been in relationships with people pleasers? You seem very upset or a little angry towards a people pleaser when describe them. I disagree with your concept on empaths. I was always an intuitive empath as a child. Reading minds and having visions in my dreams. I could read people but also people please because I was not getting my needs met as a child. I would pick up so heavily on peoples emotions and take them on. That is one thing that is still hard is picking up peoples emotions and not being able to put them down . Do you have any suggestions on that ?
I have been. lonely nearly all my life.I got used once.Been single for 25 years.I rather have my car.More faithful.To many Golddiggers out there.
Because without sex no one would be here the earth would be lifeless. EVERY living thing mates that's why coupling up is such a strong desire.
Is there a long form version
Adventures suck and change is always for the worse.
I cant stand being a human being. Its exhausting and tiring.
There is a single President in Portugal called Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa ❤ and Justin Trudeau is divorced and single too. So let's normalize singledom not as being doomed to be alone but having the opportunity to build something of value for yourself, if we find someone it's ok, if we don't it we also be ok. Nurture your being, and let your inner child be vibrant and alive 🎉😂
first... feels lonely being the single comment
8:32 dude your married shut up 😂
I love the contrasting backdrops of each of your rooms.
It’s literally a “night” & “day” contrast. lol
Hah! Exactly what I thought too.
In my 49 years I never found that person, and i used to think something was wrong or missing. It is weird that we view being single as a lesser way of living. I turned to self-love and amplifying my own happiness long ago, and it was the best thing I could have done. I enjoy the life I lead and the serenity/peace of mind that I've found. Truthfully, we're not all going to find someone, so as Matthew says often, the key is finding the point at which you are "happy enough."
Yep same here…when you are used to being single and able to validate/love yourself without someone else, it’s definitely a peaceful life. From what I see from others who can’t be on their own the whole dating scene looks like a nightmare I prefer to stay away from. I also thought am I broken or something but came to realise there’s nothing wrong and just accepted things. 😊
I am 35 years old. And same resonates for me. Have been single all my life and I really don’t know whether I would even find someone in the future. In addition in past I have short flings or situationships where I felt so little, depressed and unloved that I prefer healthy singlehood.
This resonates with me. I’m 56.
It took me a really long time to accept being single. Even now tho g about it draws me near to tears but when I think do I want a hug from this person or that person I can say nah I’m ok. Also I learned about Limerance checkout the crappy childhood fairy. I thought I was in love with different people but it was more like my impression of them wasn’t real it was the person they were in my imagination. It was the reason I married the wrong person and had so many wrong relationships but just glad God caught
Me
Im never single... Im 42 and was single for 9 months... I love being alone but my first relationship was 14y and this one 9y... 😮
Just hate how the people in relationships brag about it all over social media. I guarantee it’s not all like that. Any healthy couple has fights, go through hard times, etc.
I just want to say I love your whole studio setup. The soft lighting, the ambiance, mimicking a therapy visit make me lower my guard, relax my shoulders and lean in to what you're going to say. I'd love to be able to recreate that vibe myself.
I love how transparent Matthew is about his feelings & a whole generation who suffer
You don't even though know the guy! Anyone can spout bullshit
There is so much wisdom and depth in this talk, thank you! I've also travelled the path of finding acceptance within chronic illness. Even though it wasn't the path I'd imagined, plan B is turning out to be so beautiful, in ways I'd never imagined. Sure it'd be great not to be ill forever, but I don't need to get better to find joy and happiness. I loved exploring in this discussion how it rings true for so many other aspects of life too ❤
Ps. I love the duality of the book title - love life
Love this interview. No coincidence I came across this today! I really needed to listen to this! A truly down-to-earth, meaningful, encouraging, authentic discussion about life that I found to be really helpful and enlightening. Thank you guys🙏
Such a profound deep conversation not just about love but life in general - it's helping me in the very moment going through some rough times. So helpful, so supportive, so powerful the perspectives you shared -Thank you
Having been there for so many years, I can honestly say my approach would be to replace “finding love” in a romantic partner with finding the eternal unconditional love of God, the best way forward… having that connection fills this void on every level.
Oh, thanks for this reminder, I needed to hear that. We all look for deep love and friendship but only God can fill that void in a complete and lasting way. ❤
I love this long form content. The shorts are fine to get the "hook". I found you on tiktok because of it. I would love to see more long form content if possible.
This is the most beautiful conversation I have heard with Mat. I am happy to have heard it. Congrats!
I have never clicked on anything faster - so pumped was I for this crossover. I've followed you both for years. This didn't disappoint! ❤
I think we feel societal pressure to find someone because from an evolutionary standpoint, we are supposed to reproduce and we are most capable of reproducing at a younger age (like in our 20s). So we essentially feel like we have failed in life because we aren’t doing what we are “supposed” to according to evolution.
Better off single.Only get ripped off.
What a good conversation from two of my favorites people I like your way of deep thinking and explaining thank you both for this
I could listen to yall ALL... day!!
Phenomenal work on both ends. Thank you both for your hard work in making these insightful truths available. They are an encouragement to so many of us who are on the journey to becoming who we are meant to be and finding our purpose in the every day moments. So grateful.
Insightful chat. I'm 36 now & it's quite a challenge how society is all about getting married and having kids.
I'm at the point where I just want to make peace to just BE happy in the present. Why is it so damn difficult. I resonate with many parts in the chat.
But also seeing the chat comments, I see many people are in the same situation.
@mathias, would love to hear you speak about your marriage in 30 years...you have got a long ways to go...
Bro just a suggestion . Change the thumbnail. Enlarge Mathews face. Add a short catchy line on it . (Examples: jay shetty's thumbnails) It would increase your views. Right now his face is barely visible on the thumbnail so i think arent clicking on it
Needed to hear your message about “Plan B”… Couldn’t have come at a better moment… Love to you always, Matthew! Keep on keeping on… Thank you for sharing your story with us
20:14 Oh man this is deep. Thank you❤
17:12 Exactly. I feel like I *who I am* as a person is a partner. I compare my being single to being a professional tennis player, but having no one to play with at that level. Sure I can train, eat well, practice by myself, learn, grow, heal, stay mentally/emotionally/physically healthy, and contribute.
It's just not fulfilling to "play catch" instead of "tennis" with others (how I see mediocre friendships and acquaintanceship). Not having someone to play advanced "games of tennis" (not have a fulfilling partnership) leaves a tremendous void inside of me and my life. I was always told something was wrong with me for what I want in a relationship. But I am finally accepting this about myself, which means I'm finally accepting me.
Being single doesn't have to be bad for those who are happy with it. I find relationships incredibly beautiful and would like to live out all my inner needs, even the ones I can't fulfil on my own. ‘You can't kiss alone’ is the title of a song. Even though I've had negative experiences, I'm personally not the type to live the single life forever, even though I really enjoyed the single phases.
I don't think there is a ‘disease’ that you could call ‘being single’ that needs to be cured. We have a social brain and have needs as human beings. However, I understand that this can be a comfort for some to cope with. Being single is not a stigma for me. Many people give themselves this stigma because we as humans have a longing, a need to love and be loved. I don't think there's anything wrong with longing for love, affection and tenderness that goes beyond friendship. A lot of media/podcasts/talks try to convince people to be happy alone and single. If I say to myself: ‘It's okay to stay single’, then I personally become lazy, comfortable and don't do anything more in that direction and get used to it, which I think I'll seems regret later.🙂
You can be alone and you can be lonely For me is to be alone to be free ❤❤❤
Two of my favs in the same conversation!
James Buchanan was single. Just for the record :)
40:30 if not greatfull, we will think that this was story of life
41:30 if in grief, new opportunities standing in front of me, are not seen - frozen desire; settle for second best
Two of my favorites! Lucky day.
Love this
One question : What is the difference between Imagaination/Daydreaming /fantasizing and Visualisation. All this is sounding so similar.??????????????????????????????//
I don’t think that people view singleness as a disease, but rather they are seeking to cure a specific type of loneliness that only a deep intimate spousal relationship can cure. A spousal relationship is different than that with any other family member or friend. Honestly, what could this guy possibly know of it to speak on it?
LOL! Mathew is the Biggest Narcissist, but he hides it so WELL! Only people who know him closely, know how narcissistic he is. He is a professional actor and he wears his "nice" mask very well! It took me a year to figure out who he REALLY is! A manipulative narcissist who uses women to HIS advantage. He doesn't give a sh## about anyone else, but himself!
Can you please share what you've learned or witnessed that's led you to this conclusion? This could be helpful info for someone considering looking to him for relationship help.