I called out a co-worker who was passive-aggressively bullying me and she used this line (I’m sorry you feel that way). I replied, “Didn’t need the gaslight, but ok”, and she doubled down. She stood there for three seconds as the hamster ran the wheel in her brain and replied, “You’ve got issues”. People that gaslight believe themselves to be blameless and will intensify their gaslighting. One tactic I see all the time is the gaslighter claiming the victim doesn’t know what gaslighting means…which ticks every box in the definition.
You are so welcome! And the fact that you caught it and noticed it and then sought out ways to resolve it says a lot about you. Keep doing the work. It is a blessing to all of us when we do the work to become better communicators. Bravo!
Hi Bronwyn. Thank you for this video! You basically stated that an apology is when someone acknowledges the pain and hurt they have caused you. I agree with you. However, some therapists say things like "No one is responsible for your how you feel except you" or "No one can make you feel certain way without your permission" or variations of these. So, now I'm confused and would be very grateful for any clarity you can provide.
Who...ley...shit... this is exactly the experience I had... unreal... the unsatisfied feeling after the conversation, putting the accountability on them that they hurt me and made me feel hurt, and them going atomic, and invalidating the shit outta me and my feelings, like complete disregard, I was in total shock about it, the, 'I'm sorry IF's'... aand! From a different girl, the 'brutal, unkind honesty'... brutal... Thank you so much for this video, it's so hard to decode that kinda stuff, you feel something's off and not right but you can't quite put your finger on it. 🙏❤
This video was amazing. I have just been subjected to a nasty torrent of abuse by a friend it was like a scene out of the Exorcist and her subsequent apology was pathetic. Now she is twisting what she actually said, making me feel confused. Ugh!! Narcissistic? Yup definitely!
My father gave me the “I’m sorry you feel that way” today on Father’s Day after I expressed to him that I was afraid to reach out to him to wish him a happy Father’s Day because he blew me off last year and lied to me mother by telling her that he had called me when in fact, he did not. 😢
I’m so sorry that happened to you. You are not alone. I got the same response from my husband when I told him I was afraid to approach him. It really hurts.
My wife when she crosses my boundaries, won’t acknowledge the fact that she’s doing it and starts and turning and takes the conversation in a different direction and then I get irritated and angry I hate it
She is trying to get out of what she did but diverting the conversation away from your original issue with her and what she did wrong. I recommend you the book Boundaries (the updated revised one) by Dr Henry cloud and John Townsend. It’s very good and helpful. Ask the Lord to help you change because she has control over you by making you angry which is what she wants so she can turn it on you and make you the bad person. Blessings!
Hi I’m from the uk. Thank you for your videos. I really don’t find it difficult to apologise when it’s needed n i find it hard that other people struggle with this as it just seems so easy to apologise and own up.
a former toxic friend reached out to me to apparently bury the hatchet over cyberbullying against me he was a major contributor to but he wanted me to apologize for defending myself and wanted to record it to use it later in a future argument!!! like no dude i am not doing that and he said as much with like no shame and this is not the first time even 😂 also when i said i need to think it over he just said yeah whatever and cursed me out!!! good faith you say 🙄
Late to the conversation: There was a children's show in Canada that explained what was required for a "real" apology. The dad explained to the boys that they needed to say the "3 sorrys" to their wronged classmate. 1. Say you are sorry. 2. Mean you are sorry. 3. Explain how you will fix it. But even Canadians don't say sorry as much as the stereotype.
'I'm sorry if you felt that way" was precisely the dismissively choice remark that my partner and I received via text when we were effectively kicked out of our rented apartment four years ago with little or no transparency. And despite having a solid 12-year track record of timely payments and leaving the unit (even to the property manager's ridiculously high standards) impeccable, I still feel that the wool was collectively taken from our eyes and left us used. I know after this time I should have 'got over this', but for someone that blinded entrusted my security and sense of self worth to landlords that I felt had our best interests, I just can not forget.
I use those words “I’m sorry you felt that way” not as a way to gaslight but because I know I wasn’t in the wrong for my point of view I know how to apologize but as someone with adhd and BPD I do hate confrontation but I tend to feel deep rooted anger and I do say it that way but because I know I’m not wrong for my ideology
My mother says the "I'm sorry you feel that way" line to me. When I state I'm not ok with an action my brother has done that causes me pain. So, it is a form of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting?!
You are MADE for youtube - you present so well! Also, this particular video was incredibly freeing for me. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤ Sarah
@@SHamm76 hey my teacher send me this apology after when i told her how i feel anbiut being anxious in class and being afraud to come up to her and ask for help and then after she messaged me saying i'm sorry you felt as if you can't approach me is that gaslight bc yo me it seems insincere
First of all, bravo, for having the courage to put together an email to send to her. That is really well done! And to your point, what she offered was not an apology. What she did was put it back on you. This often happens when people lack the communication and empathy skills to respond appropriately. What might work well is if you made a specific request. For example, you could say something like, “it would be great if you could smile at me as I walk up to your desk.”Or “it would be great If when I ask a question, you could have a kind expression on your face.” People like this aren’t gaslighting intentionally I don’t believe. They are just out of their depth, and lack the emotional intelligence to respond to you appropriately. In this case, you are far more emotionally mature than your teacher. And it’s probably won’t be the last time you experienced this! So, by doing this, you will strengthen your emotional intelligence muscle!
@@ThisisBronwyn thank you for this i was going to speak to her about it today but i didn't get time next week monday i will talk to her about it and tell her that her apology weren't genuine and it was i sincere thanks for the feedback tbis is def gaslighting and she try to blame me.
The “ if” needn’t be there..example: I’m sorry you feel this way..same thing..makes me want to scream, or cry..oh, but be brutally honest with the “sorry you feel that way” people.. my problem is I may apologize for a persons lack thereof..working on this though!
I think you should not force an apology it wont get the response your looking for because your tski g their choice away, and plus the apology youre " demanding " almost feels like a power trip
This video was like a message from the Divine… it came in Divine timing and addressed what is going on (yet again) with my estranged adult son, who was married to a narcissist and has picked up a lot of bad habits - they’ve only been separated for less than a year, and he’s making some signs of becoming a normal person again, but he’s probably got a whole lot still left to work through. However, he has no right to try this deflection and manipulation shit on my any more; he’s no longer under his wife’s thumb (as far as I know, not that I’ve been privy to his life for over a decade). He has no right to place conditions on my grief over his moving to the other side of the country, nor has he the right to try and make me feel bad for making him feel bad for breaking my heart so many times over the last 12 years. He’s a grown-up now, and keeps reminding me of it, and he’s written a song that starts with, “Own your sins, and admit, when you’ve been, a piece of shit…”. Pity he has paid no attention to his own song, but now I know how best to deal with his denial; he never used to shirk his accountability 😢
@@ThisisBronwyn, I spent quite some time drafting letters responding to my son’s request for boundaries, pointing out all his hypocrisy, but didn’t send it. As usual, after having a serious mental rant at him, I awoke to a message from him that heartens me (it’s a phenomenon that happens, i.e. I get really pissed off and upset, give him a mental bollocking, then he’ll contact me, seemingly out of the blue). His conscience seems to still be working, and must’ve poked and prodded him unmercifully, overnight. He’s willing to come to the party, at last (and possibly for real, this time). Divine timing, for sure. Divine intervention? Highly likely, at this rate ❤️
I hope today’s stumbling block can be overcome and that it’s all part of the grand plan, too. Otherwise, it looks like it’s curtains for my relationship with that child. I’m sorry to say that hearing an, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” after trying to explain that while he may not comprehend my thoughts and feelings, they are none-the-less real to me. I told him that being sorry that I feel a certain way isn’t an apology, but he wasn’t apologising, it seems. I’m supposed to repress all my angst and sorrow and elevate him, as I have always done. But I can no longer tolerate poor behaviour and being taken for granted. He claims to be an adult and can support his queer, illusory lifestyle so he can carry on without me. After all, he’s apparently cheerfully done without me for a third of his life so I’m sure he can live the rest of his life without the one person who truly has his best interests at heart. I wish him all the very best, and hope that I’ll still feel some kind of loving bond with him if/when he realises what grave errors in judgement he’s made… if I’m indeed still alive when he reaches that epiphany 🙏🏼😢💔
I would say, “you are so right! Only I am responsible for managing my feelings. But you ARE responsible for your behavior and it’s consequences.” But really so much of your response depends on the situation and what you’re trying to get out of it.
“I’m sorry that what I said/did made you feel that way. It was not my intention” I think that’s better … it acknowledges that unintentionally you affected them … it’s a way of taking responsibility and making it right. Does that help?
When does this all end?! It seems like this all leads to just tiptoeing around and having to walk on eggshells constantly because one never knows what will make someone have negative feelings next. I am all for setting and maintaining boundaries. I think it's very healthy to speak up in a loving way to say when someone has crossed them and ask that they be respected and I believe more people should learn to do that better (myself right at the top of that list). But I just do not understand this gaslighting thing. Especially when opinions are substituted as a construct of a reality that I'm expected to just accept without discussion. And if I challenge that "reality" then I now find myself "gaslighting" that person and have to apologize for it. Yet, we didn't even deal with any of the presuppositions in the first place. It's tantamount to saying that Disneyworld is the real world. Is it a real place? Yes. Does reality happen there? Yes. But it's a FANTASY world. It's acting. It's entertainment. It's not the real world. "Well that's my truth so you have to accept and acknowledge it, or you're gaslighting me because Disneyworld is real to me! That's MY truth!" I call bull shit. And don't even get me started about then going online to seek validation for that delusion from all the others that share in it. You want me to see it through your lense *full stop*. Ok. Let's do that. Ok I'm here. Am I supposed to pretend that I'm not me and see the world through my lense while I'm trying to look at it through yours? Are we assuming that I have a full understanding of what it means to look at the situation through someone else's eyes/experiences/etc? What if I don't have a clue? What if they speak an entirely different language? What if they're from a different and unfamiliar culture? What if they have different values? How do I reconcile all of this?! No, it's better to just label someone a "gaslighter" and shame them into submission. Has there been any consideration that they're not questioning reality, rather perceptions of it? Especially when recounting scenarios where meaning was assigned by the person who has been "gaslit"? You want me to apologize? Ok. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. What can I do to make it better? How can I avoid this in the future? "Just be nice." Be nice?! 😡
Exactly and that’s how some generations of therapists taught them that was the right way to apologize. You can’t fault them for this if they are sincere.
Ok I myself apologise like this to my bf, because yes I did not want to apologise to him and I felt like I was forced to apologise. He gets upset so easily and he always think it’s my fault, and sometimes I am forced to apologise just so I can make things peaceful again, hence, I apologise in this way, but my intention was not to gaslight, only that I was forced to apologise. Help me?
@@ThisisBronwyn There's also been a lot of "I'm sorry you feel that way"s before which I've told him is not helpful. And a lot of, "it wasn't my intention..." even though he knew exactly what he was doing and that it was a deal breaker for me. So it's really hard to not feel like this is a new form non-ownership, "just accept my apology so we can move on and I don't have to be uncomfortable being "in trouble" anymore"...
Does this count as a gasIight apoIogy? Or weak for that matter? Person 1: You really hurt me when you said [blank]" Person 2: I'm sorry. Is a two-word apoIogy _right after_ they explain how you upset them insincere?
Not necessarily… if said with authentic feeling it could be just right. But if the person needs more, then owning it may need to happen too. Depends on the situation!
@@ThisisBronwyn See, the two flaws I see are "I'm sorry" without "really" or "so" in between to enhance the apoIogy, and saying it _right after_ the person explained how you hurt them. How can you process someone's pain so easily? Tell me, suppose you were to go back to the day you told someone how they offended you, and immediately, they said, "I'm sorry." Would that seem *_just said_* ?
@@johnrainsman6650 you make an excellent point! But the intention here isn’t to process the pain necessarily. It is to show that you understand that you did something hurtful and you own it. That’s the goal.
An apology should never be about the victims feelings or reaction. It’s about the action or behavior of the perpetrator. “I’m sorry I did or said whatever caused the hurt. I dud not mean to hurt you and I regret I did or said whatever it was that hurt you. I will remember this in the future because I have learned how such an action hurt you and I never want to repeat it.” It should not be “I’m sorry you are upset, or I’m sorry I misunderstood you, or I’m sorry but I didn’t think you’d react that way, or don’t fell that way because that’s not how I meant it”. I’ve heard all of these from my husband. He dies not know how to apologize. He thinks apologizing is for him to get forgiveness which is required when he gives a totally unapologetic apology that puts the blame on me. It’s a terrible feeling and I can’t teach him. I’ve tried. Sadly it’s been going on so long even if I talk about the concept of apologies he gets angry.
He knows exactly how to..he’s ’choosing not to..there’s a difference.Id consider your dealing with a ‘shame avoidant’ Narc.Apologising isn’t rocket science..if a person cares about ‘your needs’ they do it-if they don’t, they don’t.
I called out a co-worker who was passive-aggressively bullying me and she used this line (I’m sorry you feel that way). I replied, “Didn’t need the gaslight, but ok”, and she doubled down. She stood there for three seconds as the hamster ran the wheel in her brain and replied, “You’ve got issues”.
People that gaslight believe themselves to be blameless and will intensify their gaslighting. One tactic I see all the time is the gaslighter claiming the victim doesn’t know what gaslighting means…which ticks every box in the definition.
her response is healthier than using guilt to manipulate . you are welcome.
@@rodrigobelinchon2982
That’s exactly what she did.
Sounds like you gaslight a lot a well.
@@TheVampirePredator I gas specially after mexican food , yes.
@@rodrigobelinchon2982
Humor is hard, huh?
I realized this morning I was gaslighting my partner. I.....I felt horrible and wanted to learn how to fix my behavior. Thank you for helping me
You are so welcome! And the fact that you caught it and noticed it and then sought out ways to resolve it says a lot about you. Keep doing the work. It is a blessing to all of us when we do the work to become better communicators. Bravo!
Yeah, Zman, that's massive - such great character, that's not easy, good on you
My guy fixed it, good for you for trying to fix it.
“Im sorry you feel that way.” Always used by my mom and the rest has if in it all the time. Just realizing it now 😕
Hi Bronwyn. Thank you for this video! You basically stated that an apology is when someone acknowledges the pain and hurt they have caused you. I agree with you. However, some therapists say things like "No one is responsible for your how you feel except you" or "No one can make you feel certain way without your permission" or variations of these.
So, now I'm confused and would be very grateful for any clarity you can provide.
Who...ley...shit... this is exactly the experience I had... unreal... the unsatisfied feeling after the conversation, putting the accountability on them that they hurt me and made me feel hurt, and them going atomic, and invalidating the shit outta me and my feelings, like complete disregard, I was in total shock about it, the, 'I'm sorry IF's'... aand! From a different girl, the 'brutal, unkind honesty'... brutal...
Thank you so much for this video, it's so hard to decode that kinda stuff, you feel something's off and not right but you can't quite put your finger on it. 🙏❤
This video was amazing. I have just been subjected to a nasty torrent of abuse by a friend it was like a scene out of the Exorcist and her subsequent apology was pathetic. Now she is twisting what she actually said, making me feel confused. Ugh!! Narcissistic? Yup definitely!
My father gave me the “I’m sorry you feel that way” today on Father’s Day after I expressed to him that I was afraid to reach out to him to wish him a happy Father’s Day because he blew me off last year and lied to me mother by telling her that he had called me when in fact, he did not. 😢
When I went to spell it out that I would like him to issue me a proper apology he said he had to go.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. You are not alone. I got the same response from my husband when I told him I was afraid to approach him. It really hurts.
My wife when she crosses my boundaries, won’t acknowledge the fact that she’s doing it and starts and turning and takes the conversation in a different direction and then I get irritated and angry I hate it
She is trying to get out of what she did but diverting the conversation away from your original issue with her and what she did wrong. I recommend you the book Boundaries (the updated revised one) by Dr Henry cloud and John Townsend. It’s very good and helpful.
Ask the Lord to help you change because she has control over you by making you angry which is what she wants so she can turn it on you and make you the bad person.
Blessings!
Hi I’m from the uk. Thank you for your videos. I really don’t find it difficult to apologise when it’s needed n i find it hard that other people struggle with this as it just seems so easy to apologise and own up.
a former toxic friend reached out to me to apparently bury the hatchet over cyberbullying against me he was a major contributor to but he wanted me to apologize for defending myself and wanted to record it to use it later in a future argument!!! like no dude i am not doing that and he said as much with like no shame and this is not the first time even 😂 also when i said i need to think it over he just said yeah whatever and cursed me out!!! good faith you say 🙄
I struggle with, "I can't make you feel that way". Like, WTF is that????
Late to the conversation: There was a children's show in Canada that explained what was required for a "real" apology. The dad explained to the boys that they needed to say the "3 sorrys" to their wronged classmate.
1. Say you are sorry.
2. Mean you are sorry.
3. Explain how you will fix it.
But even Canadians don't say sorry as much as the stereotype.
That’s so brilliant!!! Neighbors to the North showing how it’s done!
'I'm sorry if you felt that way" was precisely the dismissively choice remark that my partner and I received via text when we were effectively kicked out of our rented apartment four years ago with little or no transparency.
And despite having a solid 12-year track record of timely payments and leaving the unit (even to the property manager's ridiculously high standards) impeccable, I still feel that the wool was collectively taken from our eyes and left us used. I know after this time I should have 'got over this', but for someone that blinded entrusted my security and sense of self worth to landlords that I felt had our best interests, I just can not forget.
I use those words “I’m sorry you felt that way” not as a way to gaslight but because I know I wasn’t in the wrong for my point of view I know how to apologize but as someone with adhd and BPD I do hate confrontation but I tend to feel deep rooted anger and I do say it that way but because I know I’m not wrong for my ideology
I am South American and this video totally resonates with my own experience.
These things are universal perhaps? So interesting!
You heading right on the nail about a person whos gaslighting.
My mother says the "I'm sorry you feel that way" line to me. When I state I'm not ok with an action my brother has done that causes me pain. So, it is a form of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting?!
My mom does this too its annoying
You are MADE for youtube - you present so well! Also, this particular video was incredibly freeing for me. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤ Sarah
You just made my day, Sarah. Seriously. Shine ON my friend!!
@@ThisisBronwyn I will shine as brightly as I can - thank you for the kind, genuine boost ❤🎉🙏
@@SHamm76 hey my teacher send me this apology after when i told her how i feel anbiut being anxious in class and being afraud to come up to her and ask for help and then after she messaged me saying i'm sorry you felt as if you can't approach me is that gaslight bc yo me it seems insincere
First of all, bravo, for having the courage to put together an email to send to her. That is really well done! And to your point, what she offered was not an apology. What she did was put it back on you. This often happens when people lack the communication and empathy skills to respond appropriately. What might work well is if you made a specific request. For example, you could say something like, “it would be great if you could smile at me as I walk up to your desk.”Or “it would be great If when I ask a question, you could have a kind expression on your face.” People like this aren’t gaslighting intentionally I don’t believe. They are just out of their depth, and lack the emotional intelligence to respond to you appropriately. In this case, you are far more emotionally mature than your teacher. And it’s probably won’t be the last time you experienced this! So, by doing this, you will strengthen your emotional intelligence muscle!
@@ThisisBronwyn thank you for this i was going to speak to her about it today but i didn't get time next week monday i will talk to her about it and tell her that her apology weren't genuine and it was i sincere thanks for the feedback tbis is def gaslighting and she try to blame me.
The “ if” needn’t be there..example: I’m sorry you feel this way..same thing..makes me want to scream, or cry..oh, but be brutally honest with the “sorry you feel that way” people.. my problem is I may apologize for a persons lack thereof..working on this though!
I think you should not force an apology it wont get the response your looking for because your tski g their choice away, and plus the apology youre " demanding " almost feels like a power trip
This video was like a message from the Divine… it came in Divine timing and addressed what is going on (yet again) with my estranged adult son, who was married to a narcissist and has picked up a lot of bad habits - they’ve only been separated for less than a year, and he’s making some signs of becoming a normal person again, but he’s probably got a whole lot still left to work through. However, he has no right to try this deflection and manipulation shit on my any more; he’s no longer under his wife’s thumb (as far as I know, not that I’ve been privy to his life for over a decade). He has no right to place conditions on my grief over his moving to the other side of the country, nor has he the right to try and make me feel bad for making him feel bad for breaking my heart so many times over the last 12 years. He’s a grown-up now, and keeps reminding me of it, and he’s written a song that starts with, “Own your sins, and admit, when you’ve been, a piece of shit…”. Pity he has paid no attention to his own song, but now I know how best to deal with his denial; he never used to shirk his accountability 😢
Wow. It sounds like you both have been through a lot. Sending you so much healing.
@@ThisisBronwyn, I spent quite some time drafting letters responding to my son’s request for boundaries, pointing out all his hypocrisy, but didn’t send it. As usual, after having a serious mental rant at him, I awoke to a message from him that heartens me (it’s a phenomenon that happens, i.e. I get really pissed off and upset, give him a mental bollocking, then he’ll contact me, seemingly out of the blue). His conscience seems to still be working, and must’ve poked and prodded him unmercifully, overnight. He’s willing to come to the party, at last (and possibly for real, this time). Divine timing, for sure. Divine intervention? Highly likely, at this rate ❤️
I hope today’s stumbling block can be overcome and that it’s all part of the grand plan, too. Otherwise, it looks like it’s curtains for my relationship with that child. I’m sorry to say that hearing an, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” after trying to explain that while he may not comprehend my thoughts and feelings, they are none-the-less real to me. I told him that being sorry that I feel a certain way isn’t an apology, but he wasn’t apologising, it seems. I’m supposed to repress all my angst and sorrow and elevate him, as I have always done. But I can no longer tolerate poor behaviour and being taken for granted. He claims to be an adult and can support his queer, illusory lifestyle so he can carry on without me. After all, he’s apparently cheerfully done without me for a third of his life so I’m sure he can live the rest of his life without the one person who truly has his best interests at heart. I wish him all the very best, and hope that I’ll still feel some kind of loving bond with him if/when he realises what grave errors in judgement he’s made… if I’m indeed still alive when he reaches that epiphany 🙏🏼😢💔
Ok. But what if the response back is ‘I am not responsible for your feelings’ ?
I would say, “you are so right! Only I am responsible for managing my feelings. But you ARE responsible for your behavior and it’s consequences.” But really so much of your response depends on the situation and what you’re trying to get out of it.
What if u were to say “im sorry if u feel that way “and added”that was not my intention.” Surely intention is poignant here.
“I’m sorry that what I said/did made you feel that way. It was not my intention” I think that’s better … it acknowledges that unintentionally you affected them … it’s a way of taking responsibility and making it right. Does that help?
When does this all end?! It seems like this all leads to just tiptoeing around and having to walk on eggshells constantly because one never knows what will make someone have negative feelings next.
I am all for setting and maintaining boundaries. I think it's very healthy to speak up in a loving way to say when someone has crossed them and ask that they be respected and I believe more people should learn to do that better (myself right at the top of that list). But I just do not understand this gaslighting thing. Especially when opinions are substituted as a construct of a reality that I'm expected to just accept without discussion. And if I challenge that "reality" then I now find myself "gaslighting" that person and have to apologize for it. Yet, we didn't even deal with any of the presuppositions in the first place. It's tantamount to saying that Disneyworld is the real world. Is it a real place? Yes. Does reality happen there? Yes. But it's a FANTASY world. It's acting. It's entertainment. It's not the real world. "Well that's my truth so you have to accept and acknowledge it, or you're gaslighting me because Disneyworld is real to me! That's MY truth!" I call bull shit. And don't even get me started about then going online to seek validation for that delusion from all the others that share in it.
You want me to see it through your lense *full stop*. Ok. Let's do that. Ok I'm here. Am I supposed to pretend that I'm not me and see the world through my lense while I'm trying to look at it through yours? Are we assuming that I have a full understanding of what it means to look at the situation through someone else's eyes/experiences/etc? What if I don't have a clue? What if they speak an entirely different language? What if they're from a different and unfamiliar culture? What if they have different values? How do I reconcile all of this?!
No, it's better to just label someone a "gaslighter" and shame them into submission.
Has there been any consideration that they're not questioning reality, rather perceptions of it? Especially when recounting scenarios where meaning was assigned by the person who has been "gaslit"?
You want me to apologize? Ok. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. What can I do to make it better? How can I avoid this in the future? "Just be nice." Be nice?! 😡
Couldn’t agree more @coreyhenderson1776 This is woke culture shaming another generation of upbringing. This term “gaslighting” has gone too far.
I think most people that give a gaslight apology do it unknowingly because that’s how most people have apologized to them, and it feels normal
Yes
Exactly and that’s how some generations of therapists taught them that was the right way to apologize. You can’t fault them for this if they are sincere.
Quick question how can i apologized to someone i gaslight.... i want to be a better person
This happened to me the other day and I can’t get over it 💀. Like, woooooow!
It’s gnarly, right???
This women’s children must dominate the dating world
😂 they’re too young yet but just you wait!!
This is great information and was delivered so well! Thank you!
Thank you so much Mimi !! Your worlds means the world to me!
Totally helpful. I took some screen recordings to try and send so you can speak for me lol.
😂 I’ve got your back!! I’m
Love it … but I remember Fonzie not being able to say, “I luh luh luhoove you…” He couldn’t say “I love you.” Mandela Effect?
I think you're w..w..wro... just googled it ;)
@@taishoku14 wouldn’t matter what Google says if it’s the Mandela Effect. Google that =)
Ok I myself apologise like this to my bf, because yes I did not want to apologise to him and I felt like I was forced to apologise. He gets upset so easily and he always think it’s my fault, and sometimes I am forced to apologise just so I can make things peaceful again, hence, I apologise in this way, but my intention was not to gaslight, only that I was forced to apologise. Help me?
I think people need to learn to not try to force an apology
Yep. Also some people were raised by gaslighters
Taking notes rn
🤗
Can gaslighters ever change?
They can if they are forced to … or if they start to see the pattern and want to change.
Would, "I apologize, I didn't mean to make you feel that way" be in this same camp?
And then followed by, "Will you please accept my apology?"
@@sahara4555 no I don’t put this in the same camp. This is legitimate apology.
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@@ThisisBronwyn There's also been a lot of "I'm sorry you feel that way"s before which I've told him is not helpful. And a lot of, "it wasn't my intention..." even though he knew exactly what he was doing and that it was a deal breaker for me. So it's really hard to not feel like this is a new form non-ownership, "just accept my apology so we can move on and I don't have to be uncomfortable being "in trouble" anymore"...
Ok boomer
Does this count as a gasIight apoIogy? Or weak for that matter? Person 1: You really hurt me when you said [blank]" Person 2: I'm sorry. Is a two-word apoIogy _right after_ they explain how you upset them insincere?
Not necessarily… if said with authentic feeling it could be just right. But if the person needs more, then owning it may need to happen too. Depends on the situation!
@@ThisisBronwyn See, the two flaws I see are "I'm sorry" without "really" or "so" in between to enhance the apoIogy, and saying it _right after_ the person explained how you hurt them. How can you process someone's pain so easily? Tell me, suppose you were to go back to the day you told someone how they offended you, and immediately, they said, "I'm sorry." Would that seem *_just said_* ?
@@johnrainsman6650 you make an excellent point! But the intention here isn’t to process the pain necessarily. It is to show that you understand that you did something hurtful and you own it. That’s the goal.
@@ThisisBronwyn Understand you did something hurtful...and yet not process the pain? Doesn't that sound a little contradictory?
How can anyone process someonelse's emotion?! What an impossible ask.
Thank you!
You watched Happy days in your crib???
An apology should never be about the victims feelings or reaction. It’s about the action or behavior of the perpetrator. “I’m sorry I did or said whatever caused the hurt. I dud not mean to hurt you and I regret I did or said whatever it was that hurt you. I will remember this in the future because I have learned how such an action hurt you and I never want to repeat it.” It should not be “I’m sorry you are upset, or I’m sorry I misunderstood you, or I’m sorry but I didn’t think you’d react that way, or don’t fell that way because that’s not how I meant it”. I’ve heard all of these from my husband. He dies not know how to apologize. He thinks apologizing is for him to get forgiveness which is required when he gives a totally unapologetic apology that puts the blame on me. It’s a terrible feeling and I can’t teach him. I’ve tried. Sadly it’s been going on so long even if I talk about the concept of apologies he gets angry.
He knows exactly how to..he’s ’choosing not to..there’s a difference.Id consider your dealing with a ‘shame avoidant’ Narc.Apologising isn’t rocket science..if a person cares about ‘your needs’ they do it-if they don’t, they don’t.
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