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I remember when Mike Pence said he would not work with a women without another party being in the room he was accused of being too religious, not thoughtful, and archaic. That this thought process was in fact, grounded in reasonable science that many of his opposers would respect.
@RuslanKD Not surprised at all at the statistics, man. I am more surprised at Christian men who think the Billy Graham rule was silly and "problematic." I think that because men are more inclined towards these desires/weaknesses, has caused an emphasis on women being more careful with how they present themselves in order to compensate that, but the inverse in teaching men how not be emotionally manipulative ( which women are more vulnerable to) has not been addressed with the same vigor. My thought is that women need to be modest in body because they with certain dress, movements etc. can stimulate temptation for men in a way that men will not do the same for women; thus the need for accountability there. Men need to be modest in actions & intentions because the way they act/communicate can manipulate or garner a woman's emotions which leads to temptations for women in a way that women will not do for men. Are women are put in the position of greater vulnerability then,? I think, yes; women are the weaker vessel which means they need to be loved, cherished and guarded more/differently than a man does.
1 Timothy 5:2 "[Treat] older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." The last part I believe is key. If the purity is not absolute (and it often is not), in the same way that Jesus looked at and treated women, then put up multiple boundaries for yourself, or better yet flee, as recommended by the apostles
As a Christian and married man this situation has definitely caused me to rethink my relationships and friendships with women. I don't need anything hindering my relationship with God or my wife.
They are different... I asked a CO worker straight up, if he would be willing to have an affair, and straight up he said yes.... I am a Christian, I am married.... my spouse is not....yet.... so I don't think men and women, saved or not can be friends ... and I think this is due to how we are... we are just different... a few in my circle would put a lot of pressure on women, as if we have a weightier responsibility to not let men find us attractive... but I do think men have their role to play and their responsibility to keep themselves.... God bless and keep everyone on this platform!!!
The Billy Grahm rule is a must if you want to finish well. Don't even get close to the fire! If it's not work-related, I will throw the husband in the text so creepin aint even possible. I would rather be the weird Christian than put myself in a position to destroy my life
As a single Christian man i have female friends myself, but biblical boundaries should be applied. Prayers for Matt chandler and his family. Great content ruslan!!!
Man trust me I know..one thing I realize as a Christian man is how Lust is noticeable and though we are save, sexual sins I feel like is a sin that’s magnify the most, it’s literally a daily battle of self denial and setting boundaries..I start to see why GOD said flee from all sexual sins..and why self control literally is a gift from The Holy Spirit ..and you have to be brutally honest with yourself and examine yourself ..me for an example struggle with lusting after these woman and masturbation..it’s a struggle I fight daily .🫡🫡
@@Glimtj4ever Are you seriously mocking a Christian man who has platonic friends that are women? Because apparently to you, a guy can never be friends with a woman without want to have sex with them, right? Grow up...
@@Stew91 if the female friends are attractive, it is unlikely that the male has not at least considered what it would be like to be more than platonic friends with the female. As the studies show, male minds often drift to the sexual… even with female “friends”. For single men, this isn’t as much of an issue as for married men. Single men can safely be attracted to female friends, but must pray against lust.
My mother always taught me that men and women ceased to be friends once they got married. After marriage, their spouse is their friend and they can have couple friends.
A LOT of problems can come from couple friends too. A ton of cheating situations happen in couple friendships as well. In fact...I would say since in my lifetime, roughly 90 percent of friends breakups due to cheating came from couple friendships.
My mother had shared a story with me about how a woman's husband at the church had reached out to her. She was young and naive. Thought he was seeking innocent "friendship". Things transpired over the course of this "friendship". Showing up to the house when he knew my father wasn't home, sending small gifts, etc. He finally showed his true intentions one-day and that's when my mom finally realized what it was all about. She ended it right then and there, told my father, and tried to talk to the woman about what her husband did during a woman's ministry trip. The woman wouldn't hear any of it and due to the drama that ensued my mother wasn't well liked afterwards. They blamed her for his actions. My husband and I have set boundaries when it comes to friendships. Not to be alone with anyone of the opposite sex and always be together for everything we do with friends. Edit: I want to clarify that my mother had a friendship with the woman prior. She felt guilty and felt it was the right thing to do by telling the woman what happened, even though it ended the friendship they had, and was another reason why my mother left the church.
But she enjoyed the attention and gifts? Would she have thought if was normal if it was her husband giving gifts and attention to another woman who didn't shout it down? I think she is partly to blame.
@@tinicoleofficial This woman accepted attention + gifts from a man who was not her husband, of course she is to blame. He was showing his true intentions and she accepted those intentions/attention all along the way.
As a woman who had become “ friends” with man from church, make no mistake, it starts off innocent enough then it turns emotional and finally sexual. I lived through it. The devil seeks to wreck your life.
My husband had to school me from the get go about what goes on in men's minds. I would constantly exclaim, "Are you sure?" And he would laugh. Same goes for him. I have had to explain time and time again how the female brain works and he still says, "I would have never known. Wait, are you sure?" 😂
Listen! I was here! I worked with the public and I truly TRULY thought I was being normal, friendly (part of my job bc they’re customers so gotta be nice) , and polite. And then a guy would hit on me. I would be like WHY THOUGH?? And my husband would say no that’s not what he is seeing. I learned a lot working with the public.
My youth pastor in high school had strict rules for all of us so everything would be above reproach. Even when some of us were close to graduating, we weren't to hang out with youth leaders of the opposite-sex alone, even if we were just a year or two apart in age. It was meant to protect all of us and it was a good thing! Boundaries are important for all parties and protect all parties involved.
Kaitlyn, that’s so great to hear. My wife and I led a college age ministry for two years (her and I are in our mid 30’s). It was so important to have rules and boundaries set up between us and the students. We would occasionally take students on “one on one” lunches to get to know them and disciple them. We made sure I took the guys out and she took the girls. As a 36 year old man, I had no business taking 20 something girls out to lunch by myself. That’s just asking for trouble. I also made sure never to text the college girls by myself, but would have my wife do it or would talk with my wife and include her in the text. After doing that ministry for a few years I realized how easy it can be for someone in a teaching position to stumble. There has to be a high level of prudence when it comes to Church leadership.
I was trying to explain this to my wife and my son’s girlfriend the other day. I told them that “dudes don’t want to just be friends” and they told me that I’m crazy.
I am a single Christian young woman (20 yrs). I have been told by many women in my life to not be in a rush to have a relationship but to have many friendships with guys. I found this to be a problem because I found myself being attracted to some of my guy friends. I thought it was my trauma and codependency issues acting up and I demonized my emotions because of this. I was never one of those extremely attractive females and many times it was my personality that caused people to stick around. However, I also struggled to have solid female friendships because I grew up with males and found it easier to get along with guys rather than females. I said this to come to the point of me being closer with males than females and finding myself either being attracted to them or they being attracted to me. I felt like it was just a me issue because I was always told to have plenty of guy friends but that was never the situation for me. I hate how society pushes the exception is the norm rule because when the typical scenario happens you can think something is wrong with you when it is simply you having to place the regular boundaries to guard your heart. My advice to females younger than me reading this: Yes it is good to have male friends but set your boundaries and guard your heart. It will save you from a world of heartbreak.
I don’t think that the problem is romantic attraction! I think that most people would have to learn how to navigate it while maintaining boundaries in their friendships.
Girl same!! I am 17 and have strugled with this, now the Lord has guven me a gñfemale friend who has been changing that in me. My boundries i have intentionally had changed because this is an issue i prayed about and still am
It depends on how you define the "friendship". Being in a small church filled with married woman around my age, I consider them friends even though the only times we talk are when we see each other in church. Besides, I've known them even before they got married so it would be a bit inappropriate to call just them acquaintances. But that's about it. I know them personally but nothing goes beyond our occasional brief convos on Sundays. Now if we're talking about a "friendship" between a married person and someone of the opposite sex that is single (or another married person of the opposite sex} that involves a high volume sharing of personal information, hanging out privately and giving gifts, I mean, that already sounds like a budding romantic relationship if you ask me. Some non-believers may not make an issue about it. But as Christians, we have a testimony to protect and thus should be held on a higher standard. Any act that may start rumors/gossip among the congregation should be avoided. And anything that can lead to someone falling for someone he/she shouldn't, even more so.
Even though I may be the exception to the rule the Bible says "be careful lest you may be tempted." I dig it Ruslan. For 26 years I've been married, since age 19, and never had an affair in spite of conversing with many women as friends and in ministry. I would not advise anyone to do that because there is always a chance for temptation to fall. My fear of the Lord is what keeps me the most accountable. There is just too much to lose for me to commit adultery, plus my wife fulfills all my needs in a way that none of these other women can touch. 💯. For the record I would never counsel a woman one on one alone without anyone around. That's just pushing it way too much. Not wise at all.
@@OneSparrow-76 great question, maybe then I'd fall to the lust of the flesh? "No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." I Cor 9:27
I think that men and women can be friends as long there are boundaries. For instance, be in public with someone of the opposite sex when you have a partner. My boyfriend has plenty of girl friends, but he tells me about their friendships and I know most of them. I really think it has to do with trust and what the context is. I'm not going to tell him to stop having girl friends and he's not going to tell me to stop having boy friends. There's nothing wrong with having boundaries, but I also think some people take this way too far.
I agree. It wouldn’t hurt to bring your wife/husband in public to speak with a friend and the friend shouldn’t have a problem with it. Boundaries must be put in place as you said.
In our fallen nature, Christian men and women are still prone to temptation albeit differently (for women: need to be desired and for men: the need for sex). Being born again does not entirely remove the fallen nature but can attenuate it ( dying to our flesh) but it's still present in all of us. Thus , Christian men and women can be colleague, acquaintances under controlled circumstances but cannot be friends due to fallen nature. That's why an aspect of the fruit given by the Holy Spirit is assistance with the control of self (self-control); that is, the necessity of the HS to help us in controlling the "self" (the ever present desired of the flesh). Our flesh will lie to us by telling us we can tame our flesh and befriend the opposite sex.
Stop asking if something is wrong, and start asking “Is this wise?” “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” I Corinthians 6:12 NKJV
I think bible does give an answer to this. Essentially treat other women as your sisters rather than potential mates. The question remains is it possible, I'd like to think that scripture wouldn't prescribe something impossible for us to follow but this is where God's grace comes in. The studies presented are of secular people who don't follow this advice hence its not surprising to see the results. I wonder if they're studies of this regarding individuals professing a Christian faith. 1 Timothy 5:2, NIV: older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity
I have plenty female friends and that’s all it was by choice, but now that I’m in a relationship I introduce them to my girlfriend and they communicate more with eachother than me now which I actually like!
I straight up nuked a previous relationship by not seeing how having female friends can be an issue, led to a lot of frustration and it ran rampant in our relationship. I definitely learned my lesson and am setting boundaries for my female friends moving forward. Some of my closest friends at church are female and we usually all hang out in groups now (mix of guys and girls). We never do one-on-one of opposite sex and it's works really well for us!
This topic reminds me of 1 Thessalonians 5:21-24. In which we should "shun the presence of evil". Even if we are confident in our own self control unfortunately we live in a world where sexual sin is common enough that a married man and a women interacting in a close manner can "look" inappropriate is enough biblical instruction for me. Because I am obeying Gods word not for me, but for God's Kingdom to be glorified.
So exactly what is the evil, because I can have a conversation with a man and sexual thoughts never come across my mind. So is the person evil, the innocent conversation evil, your intentions behind engaging in a conversation evil the surrounding evil? What are you shunning, honestly curious because when God has changed your heart and mind, truly not with pretense you will only be concerned with the subject at hand and understand that women are intelligent being who can engage with great conversation and make the mind think and ponder. So what exactly is the evil for the Christian guy to shun from?
This is sound doctrine brought to us at this very day and age! It's best to not complicate life, because of what's already piled on by this modern day culture. Thank you for your input, this makes perfect sense my dear🙂
Proverbs 25:28 says Whoever has no rule over his own spirit Is like a city broken down, without walls. …. With that being said we really need to use discernment to set boundaries to protect our “cities”
Good conversation. I totally agree with this. My husband told me he was friends with me ONLY because he liked me. It worked because he is my best friend/hubby now! Ladies, guys want to be your friend for more than what you think. The friend zone women do isn't the same for men. Don't fall into the modern woman trap...
aint it shallow for a guy to be your friend just so he can maybe date you and not because he values your friendship and you as a person? To be fair though i value friendships way more than i do romantic ones i think.
“Can a man take fire to his bosom, And his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, And his feet not be seared?” Proverbs 6:27-28 Don’t mess with the fire man
I am a 41 yo woman and the way he described women is exactly how I use to be and think until I matured years later. It’s mind blowing because I realized how destructive I was in the past when I use to think I was right. 🤦🏼♀️
In deciding if you can be friends with the opposite sex you have to ask how attractive are you to them? And why do you just want to be friends and not more? I think this is the first step in the analysis.
@@SharaiLunn I think using friendship as a way to date someone is a terrible idea. Funny thing is that about 29 years ago some churches actually encouraged this through the “I kissed Dating Good Bye” book. I think it’s completely dishonest and only leads to people getting hurt.
I'm so glad you posted this. There are always exceptions to the rule and hopefully people know themselves well enough to discern situations. I personally didn't know what appropriate boundaries were until AFTER I got married. And I crossed the line several times early on. Not to the point of physical contact or anything sexual, but definitely misplaced time and attention to women who weren't my wife. And it was via social media. I think it becomes a wisdom play. That "familiarity and frequency" is just plain dangerous in my opinion. It seems like an opening for the enemy to steal, kill and destroy. The stakes are definitely higher when you're married - more to lose. But even as single Christians (and I totally agree that men can't use women as the scapegoat for our lust issues) it can be tricky. At the end of the day, married or single I hope holiness is still a pursuit. That in and of itself could alleviate a lot of this debate. Because God did create men and women to co-exist. The question is, on an individual basis, are we healthy enough to be in community while honoring God's standards of humanity. Not defining our own.
The question to be asked in Matt's case is, why was he having a DM with this lady? Second, what was the reason for the frequency of his conversation? Thirdly was she a Christian and in a counselling chat? Fourthly who was initiating the communication? Let's not be fooled. All sexual scandals begins exactly with a casual chat, unfriendly touch, unwarranted gaze.
I knew once my male friends got married that our friendship would forever be altered. Unless I had a true friendship with the wife (and in many instances I am better friends with the wives) our dynamic would never be the same and THAT was fine. . I just think men and women should have great friendships outside their marriage. Especially men. It's healthy and iron sharpens iron. but very close intimate friendships of the opposite sex and the spouse is not involved. ..don't recommend. And I might add the reason my male friendships stayed platonic? Because of me. I simply was not going to allow it. But at one point it was brought up and this is in almost every friendship I had. Men and women are different. And I think Matt recognized that. I really hate that the standard his so high for him(as scripture calls) that now the world is trying to call him a predator. I pray for his family cause man this sucks.
Completely understand. One of my best friend recently got a gf and I immediately realized some things couldn't be the same. I no longer call him as much or talk to him alone anytime I do there's someone else. And you know what? It's fine. I have other guy friends I'm close with but if they ever get into a relationship, I will distance myself. Best not to risk it.
Great content Ruslan. My ex and I disagreed on whether it’s a good idea to have CLOSE opposite gender friends whilst we’re dating or if we marry. He wouldn’t listen to me that men and women should be treated differently coz we ARE different. His personality is atypical of most men which is why he felt he doesn’t need as strict boundaries as is the common sense advice, but he refused to acknowledge that feelings develop through proximity, and thinks close opp-gender friendships is fine even when he’s not single. Good decision that we broke up
Ok that Ted talk cleared up alot. In the case of Matt Chandler I think everyone's criticism isn't valid because they're all making absolutes out of hypothetic therories. It seems that Matt may have been being friendly and encouraging to this lady and the lady may have been catching feelings but, he didn't see it. So as a preventiitve measure the elders put him on leave becuase to stop rumors from flowing. Yes women and men can be friends but, potential for affairs to happen are high if the woman gets emotionally involved. Yes Men and women need to place healthy boundaries up for themselves to keep from inpropriety from happening. However I do agree Purity culture mucked things up by not clearifying why we have the boundaries.
The reason I like you brother Ruslan is that you're open to reason and ready to unlearn and relearn, not only from your own camp (believers) but also from other people's camp (unbelievers), because there are things we can also learn from them which are objectively true about life. I gotta say, this is the most compelling video I've ever watched with evidence on the controversial subject of male - female friendship. Thank you brother Ruslan!!!
While it's not wrong for men and women who are not married to each other to be friends, it does open the door for situations to possibly arise and as Christians we have to be careful of that. That's how I ended up cheating on my spouse and he on me. That was 7 years ago and we've both forgiven each other and moved past it but don't open doors you're not strong enough to close. When the bible says, "shun the very appearance of evil" it's basically saying, if something even LOOKS BAD, you need to leave that situation. If something could even create opportunity for gossip, shun that thing. Resist that thing. Flee that thing. Don't even go there. The time this man has spent online taking to that women with such "frequency" is time he could have been talking to his wife or making her feel good.. I'm not saying they have a bad marriage, I don't know their dynamics but I'm telling you even a good marriage needs work to get better. I'll be praying for him and his family.
Church, ya’ll need to hold your horses! I have yet to hear anyone applaud the woman who was courageous enough to follow through with Matthew 18. She had a concern with her brother being in sin and she addressed him privately. Matt screwed things up to begin with. The elders came to take things from a supposed zero to 100! The one person who got it right hasn’t gotten a, “way to go sis!”
@@ComeWhatMay247 I meant us. They know exactly everything going on all the rights and the wrongs in this situation. I was talking about us. We’re coming up with all kinds of scenarios, we’re hung up all of the bad but I don’t see a video about that woman going viral. We love drama just like the world.
@@ruralmillennial4354 I was literally thinking this the moment I started to see so many reaction videos by so many brothers (mainly) and sisters in Christ. I think the body has problem with placing leaders on pedestal so high l, to even step down becomes a scandal in and of itself
Thank you for the honesty. Many people only promote what they think others want to hear. And I'll offer this: when men go out of their way to have exclusive friendships with married women, those men are dishonest about their intentions. No man was should want a "private" friendship with a woman to the exclusion of her husband/mate. You may even consider such men cowardly.
As a single Christian woman I've been not just friend zoned but more like sister zoned several times. I tried your "social experiment" and the answer has been that they see me like a sister so I dunno. Maybe I'm just around a large pool of guys that are the exception
It isn’t a YES or NO question. It depends on the person, intent, Maturity, etc. my best friend is a girl & we’ve grow up together, spent one on ones many times. Her family knows we would never date for various reasons. She’s married now and just had her first kid and the husband is awesome and is completely fine and loves my friendship with her.
@@DeepVoiceBryan Ok, sorry maybe I took it the wrong way, it seemed to me you were saying it was common. Saying "it's not a yes or no question" implies you think it depends on the situation, not that it is rare.
I believe men & women can be friends as long as there are STRICT boundaries placed🗣💯 No long convos otp, no hanging out alone even in public settings, no constantly being in contact🙅🏾♀️
Married people shouldn’t. Your spouse should be your best man or women friend. When I was single every single friend I had of the opposite sex I realised that either me or the friend would eventually develop feelings. I think it’s very rare that both don’t develop feelings but rather don’t take that chance if you married you never know what season you gonna find yourself in with your spouse and in a moment of vulnerability and weariness you could make that mistake of crossing those lines.
I'm going to be completely honest. I shared this with my husband for the 1st time ever today in regards to the Matt Chandler debacle. First and foremost, I'm a lover of Jesus and have been close to Him for almost all of my life. For almost a decade, I went to this church that ironically has close ties with the Village Church. Joshua Harris was my lead pastor. I remember being summoned to the pastor's office a few different times. And it was made very clear, that we were not allowed to close the office door so that we could protect our purity. This actually scared me so much. I thought, "what on earth do you think is going to happen in that office?!" 😳 So I was freaked out the entire exchange. I kept looking at the door and subconsciously (and consciously), I kept looking at the door in terror that it may close and that there was a possibility that I may be assaulted. I know this may sound a bit dramatic but put yourself in my shoes. The rules that you couldn't be behind close doors or an elevator or closed space with the opposite sex confused me...and terrified me. I completely understand that these things do happen behind closed doors. I also believe it's imperative to have safeguards up with the opposite sex but this was just on a level that made me super uncomfortable. Every single time I was in one of the offices, my mind obsessed about that stupid door that was supposed to be shut for our sexual safety. Never in a million years, did I dream of hooking up with one of the pastors, married or not. It created a super uncomfortable space and vibe. I've heard men not be able to go to the gym. Maybe that's what they need to do. Yesterday I heard one of my married brothers in Christ say he was going to limit himself to talking with woman one time a month. His wife chuckled with confused/worried eyes. I would like to encourage every godly man to realize that not every woman is trying to jump your bones. In fact, I think you will find that most are NOT trying to do that. Reality is not a real life porn video. Women are very sexual creatures, don't get me wrong. Anyways, lots could be said here. I'm grateful this is being talked about within our spiritual family. God bless you all.
I don’t think it’s always about an individual (you) it’s other factors. There are many many many women and also the person (man or woman themselves) all the enemy needs is a foot-hole.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Thank you for this perspective. The first time I had a Pastor do this to me I felt very shamed. All I could think the entire time was, "why does he think I would sleep with him?"
@@bethestandardallday yes, affairs usually do start after a friendship has begun. But there are a lot of times people slip up in the tinder climate of these days. I have personally witnessed many of my close brothers and sisters slip up. Majority of them always started casually in their working environment. Slowly and innocently but surely, the barriers came down. One rock at a time. One or two big fights with the spouse and thats all it took. If I had to guess, Matt probably worked with this woman.
@@annlowry9841 I'm so glad you understand me. I think this all points back to what Ruslan was saying about the differences with men and woman. It took many years of marriage for my husband to convince me how men's minds work. And vice versa. My husband would exclaim, "are you sure that's how women think?"
Speaking from personal experience, I’m married (5 years now) and my wife and I have a very close female friend (like a sister to us). I can hang with her solo and not worry cause of a key thing: attractiveness is not there, which is what Ruslan pointed out. I think there’s people you can do this with, but it’s very few and far between and at the end of the day, Bible does say to avoid the appearance of evil.
I've seen a number of comments here where folks are saying that friendship with the opposite sex is okay if you know yourself and have self control. But the thing is, no one really knows themself. We can think it's all good, until it's not. Instead of trusting our own self-assessment of how strong we think we are, we'd be on much more solid ground to trust what the Scriptures teach us about ourselves. 1 Corinthians 10:12 gives us a strong caution for a good reason. Good stuff Ruslan! Thanks! Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Corinthians 10:12).
Then how about don’t get married since they can’t seem to control themselves. I’m serious. I think most people marry out of convenience or feel forced by the church or family. So, yeah…they get easily tempted. Shocker!
I thought a lot of this was common knowledge. It’s the reason this whole situation with Matt Chandler made sense to me. If Matt was talking to a woman who isn’t his wife, even with his wife and the other woman’s husband knowing of their dm’s, it could still lead to something down the road if they weren’t being careful. Matt Chandler having to step down is due to him being unable to set proper boundaries befitting of someone in his position
I'm pro Billy-Graham-rule because the Bible says to abstain from the very APPEARANCE of evil - setting boundaries and guarding one's heart is vital. Most sinful situations start out innocent then progress. I'm glad M. Chandler stepped down for a period and the elders asked him to take a break. Thank God the woman's friend said something to Chandler.
I felt this! My boyfriend and I have very open and honest conversations about all the friendships in our lives because he understands that it's not the same for me as it is for him being straight.
I agree with this a lot. I think the part where it was crude and familiar, coarse and frequent is more of the issue than the friendship, as far as the discipline action is concerned... maybe.
As a single woman in NEW church, I myself always look out for who's married and whos' not. Everyone is very friendly- which is awesome. But not trying to give mixed signals with a "SMILE"
I honestly don't see anything wrong with what Matt did. And to me, based on the information given, I think there was no need for him to step down or even for this to be made public. I think sometimes in wanting to be very transparent and honest as a Christian, we can kinda go overboard.
@@RuslanKD I don't know KD ... But I still think it was too extreme. To have him step down for a friendship by all standards that was not wrong. And my thinking is, being christians, we are led by the Spirit... Did he initially get promptings that this friendship was wrong?? To be honest, on this issue... I just think it was overboard. And I am in support of Matt. Am not making assumptions that there was something more. He seems like a very straight up guy
On point as always. As a female, I have had many males friends over the years, and they have all tried their hand over the years except 1. We have been friends from grade 10 in high school and we are still friends 20 years later. However we have boundaries and our friendship has changed over the years from both of us being single and now we are both married. We are friends with each others spouses and God parents to each other's children however we don't talk every day....maybe once a month or so because we respect each other's marriages. He is 1 out of the many.... He is the exception but men will try their hand and most friendships with the opposite sex are not strictly platonic on both ends. Someone has feelings or intentions and is just waiting for the opportunity. Its just reality.
This is why I share an Instagram and Facebook with my wife. I don’t have my own Social media. We are on Instagram together and Facebook together and I think you can avoid certain issues like that.
Thanks to the Billy Graham Rule, evangelicals have become hypersensitive and even paranoid about male-female relationships and sexuality. Some of the things we impose on ourselves and the guilt we put people through are flat out ridiculous!
Thank you for this Ruslan. I completely agree with everything you’re saying it is foolish to ignore what we deep down know to be true. I have seen it firsthand in a church with a lifted boundaries in a year later a third of the church ended in divorce. My only humble issue I take with Chandler‘s statement was I was disappointed that he didn’t just come out and say that he had send and ask for forgiveness. He said I’m embarrassed and forgive me. I feel like it was surprisingly emotional for a church body that doesn’t seem to embrace that kind of emotionality. I felt like it was either intentionally or unintentionally manipulative to get people to rally around him because he was in a weak state. In my opinion when we’re wrong no matter how hard it is we need to say I have sinned and I am asking for your forgiveness. This takes all the power out of our hands and gives it to the ones we’ve wronged to either choose to forgive or not to forgive.
Are people that out of control that they can't be friends with the opposite sex? I've got male friends that I've known for over 20 years and the relationship has never been anything other than platonic. For the ones in relationships, I'm even friends with their wives. You just have to know how to respect boundaries. The wives /girlfriends come first and you're not in competition with them.
It may be a delusion to some of you, but it isn't for me. Having said that, I'm all for people creating the boundaries they need for themselves. Don't put yourself in a position of temptation.
So I was dating this girl a couple of months ago, and we ended up breaking up because she wanted to have other guy friends while I thought that it’s not appropriate for her to do that in the long run. I spoke to my pastor about it and he agreed with me. I understand and completely agree that men and women can’t be friends when either of them are married, and it can cause serious issues when either is in a relationship. But what about if you’re still looking for a partner? I now find that I almost end up avoiding women and don’t know how to start a relationship. If I can’t have that “frequency and familiarity” with a woman that I’m interested, how can I get to know them on a casual level before I pursue a relationship with them?
I think when both people are single then you can be friends. That’s exactly how dating should start is with friendship. But once either person is in a relationship and especially married, it becomes inappropriate. So definitely, if you’re single and she is too- go for the good, godly friendships!
I have had female friends since I was a kid. The same ones. Strictly platonic with no boundaries crossed. We're Christians. Many of my buddies who meet them are surprised that I've never tried anything with them. (They're VERY pretty) I've always, with intention, looked at them like sisters and treated them that way. They are also friends with my wife and call her and spend time with her without me being around. I think Christian men, depending on their weaknesses, should have platonic friendships with women. It helps in so many ways.
I am not trying to pick a side, but I have a question for us to think through: in this address the elder talks about "brother-sister" relationship. They point out Matt's relationship with her was not sexual, but it was because of frequency and familiarity. Are we saying then that brothers and sisters do not frequently talk to each other and are familiar with each other? Why use brother-sister language, when in reality it more sounds like acquaintances? Can someone help me understand what brother-sister language looks like if it is not frequent and familial communication? If Matt talked to his actual sister in the way of frequency and familiarity, would we even bat an eye?
“Most of you have already pointed out the wrong that person did, and this is punishment enough for what was done. When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair. You should make them sure of your love for them.” 2 Corinthians 2:6-8 CEV
This was so on point..... and eye opening. When i was dating my husband... he was jealous a little if I smiled at any other guy. I had no idea...... Wow
1 Timothy 5 basically corrects people on the 4 relationships a man should have with a woman: a sister, a mother, a daughter or a wife. Anything else check your heart.
The dramatic pausing and looking had me in stitches, Ruslan🤣🤣 with the bass drop😂 thank you for preaching this message, such valuable content. God bless💙
Glad to see that other men see it this way as well from a Christian standpoint. Was truly believing it was divided down the middle here. Thanks Ruslan!
Purity has been demonized, these days. Didn't God say we must flee from temptation? That we must put safeguards bcz our hearts are deceitful? Friendship bet man and woman who is not your spouse can form emotional attachments that is intended for the spouse, and be a temptation in times of vulnerability. There will be inevitable comparison to the spouse and a development of a bond. Not to be legalistic, friends with opposite sex can be in the context of group friends with your spouse in the group. I refused to believe this before, I was too confident with my self will and self control but it still hurt my husband and eventually I fell into sin and almost destroyed my marriage. Praise God, He delivered me from my spiritual blindness and now understand the design for marriage and the importance of setting boundaries . 🙏 I think what happened here with Mat is way better than what happened to Ravi. He was protected and disciplined and loved by his church and the elders... and I believe that this is what God wants that he be humbled, corrected and restored. Praise God!
I think it should be okay to be friends with whoever. For Christians,it should be taken a step further and actually view the opposite sex as your brother/sister in Christ. Which means that there should be boundaries, respect, and Purity between the opposite sex. It says it in 1 Corinthians 12:13, 27 “By one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.... Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular”
Agreeeeddd with everythingggg. Problem is too many people have too much confidence in the flesh. Paul by the Spirit said have NO CONFIDENCE in the flesh.
Brilliant Ruslan...... I applaud 👏🏼 you for going their and speaking up about subjects that are very important, that most won't speak about. That is why your channal is soooo good!! Love it & I agree with much of what you said there....... "Protect what is precious" nails it! 💖💖🙌🏽👏🏼👍🏼👊🏼
When in a relationship it’s not healthy to have friendships that can make your partner feel like they have to hope it don’t lead to something eventually. Things may not start that way BUT the devil sit and wait to crept in when the mind starts wondering 💭
Good video, The discussions I been seeing about this topic on Social media deteriorated my health…..all nuance is thrown out the window and everything is black and white. It’s to the point that establishing boundaries translates to a person who can’t “control themselves “🤦🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️
“ Not all things are beneficial even if they are not sinful” - 1 Corinthians 10:24 and also “ everything that does not proceed from faith is sin” - Roman 14:23
Men and women can be friends in a public setting of good fellowship, but a one on one friendship is a tough one and not the best idea for a married person, but if you're single then one on one is fine if it's outside and in a public place.
I have never deluded myself with the idea of neutral hetero friendships. I have male acquaintances that I have positive interactions with but I am a married woman and I just imagine how I would feel if my someone was "friends" with a woman like me. I wouldn't like it. I agree with the one on one rule
Thanks for covering this. From listening to various YT channels and being part of various dialogues, I've learned that when it comes to the men, the sex is just a thing to do. They get their rocks off (even with someone they're not even really attracted to) and move on. A real eyeopener that sex truly is just an animal act for a lot of these men.
The first study is reaffirming old news. We wouldn't want to simplify a complex issue. Men and women are definitely different. But the differences within the sexes (men vs men; women vs women) are more different than the disparity between the sexes.
Great video! Boundaries are good for every part of life……I have a former colleague that I’m friends with, we have been to lunch and morning coffee. I have both him and his wife’s number and have been to their home once. I text him on occasion in the day. Soon we may have dinner with a group. It can’t be the same type of friendship and frequency that I have with a single girlfriend.
I do not understand why many are shaming him publicly.. gossiping about him when all have sinned... God's Word says to correct and forgive because we are no better, whether we break the command of do not murder, or do not commit adultery we are guilty of breaking God's Law. This is supposed to be fixed within the church family, and then if he does not change his ways then we are not to keep communion with such an unrepentant fellow brother. Must stop making gossip about it. GOD hates gossip. Should be hearing and reading God's Holy Word instead of being ignorant of our Savior's commands.
One of my best friends at my church happens to be a married woman. I was one of her husband's groomsmen at their wedding. They are both dear dear friends of mine. Sometimes, I message her on her own but it's EXTREMELY rare. We don't spend any time alone AT ALL. I know my heart, even if I don't act on it, I know what my thought life might do. Biblical boundaries are important for me.
You know there's something else going on when the word just is used, we are "just" friends. That's the minimizer word that you wouldn't need to use if there wasn't an emotional entanglement.
Ted Talk: ruclips.net/video/mu4Uki8VyLc/видео.html
Second Study Referenced: www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-men-and-women-be-just-friends1/
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I remember when Mike Pence said he would not work with a women without another party being in the room he was accused of being too religious, not thoughtful, and archaic. That this thought process was in fact, grounded in reasonable science that many of his opposers would respect.
Really liked this break down
@@K1NGVISIONTV it was so jarring how people mocked him & still do.. 🤦🏾♂️
Thanks for sharing the links 💯
@RuslanKD Not surprised at all at the statistics, man. I am more surprised at Christian men who think the Billy Graham rule was silly and "problematic." I think that because men are more inclined towards these desires/weaknesses, has caused an emphasis on women being more careful with how they present themselves in order to compensate that, but the inverse in teaching men how not be emotionally manipulative ( which women are more vulnerable to) has not been addressed with the same vigor. My thought is that women need to be modest in body because they with certain dress, movements etc. can stimulate temptation for men in a way that men will not do the same for women; thus the need for accountability there. Men need to be modest in actions & intentions because the way they act/communicate can manipulate or garner a woman's emotions which leads to temptations for women in a way that women will not do for men. Are women are put in the position of greater vulnerability then,? I think, yes; women are the weaker vessel which means they need to be loved, cherished and guarded more/differently than a man does.
1 Timothy 5:2 "[Treat] older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." The last part I believe is key. If the purity is not absolute (and it often is not), in the same way that Jesus looked at and treated women, then put up multiple boundaries for yourself, or better yet flee, as recommended by the apostles
Well put
F L E E!🗣🏃🏾♀️
How sexist
@@bonnyharley5905 how is that sexist?? There's nothing even remotely hinting at male superiority in the previous comment.
Very well said!!!! I love this!!!
As a Christian and married man this situation has definitely caused me to rethink my relationships and friendships with women. I don't need anything hindering my relationship with God or my wife.
Same. Same.
That's whatsup
Agree 💯
Seriously!
They are different... I asked a CO worker straight up, if he would be willing to have an affair, and straight up he said yes.... I am a Christian, I am married.... my spouse is not....yet.... so I don't think men and women, saved or not can be friends ... and I think this is due to how we are... we are just different... a few in my circle would put a lot of pressure on women, as if we have a weightier responsibility to not let men find us attractive... but I do think men have their role to play and their responsibility to keep themselves.... God bless and keep everyone on this platform!!!
The Billy Grahm rule is a must if you want to finish well. Don't even get close to the fire! If it's not work-related, I will throw the husband in the text so creepin aint even possible. I would rather be the weird Christian than put myself in a position to destroy my life
As a single Christian man i have female friends myself, but biblical boundaries should be applied. Prayers for Matt chandler and his family. Great content ruslan!!!
Man trust me I know..one thing I realize as a Christian man is how Lust is noticeable and though we are save, sexual sins I feel like is a sin that’s magnify the most, it’s literally a daily battle of self denial and setting boundaries..I start to see why GOD said flee from all sexual sins..and why self control literally is a gift from The Holy Spirit ..and you have to be brutally honest with yourself and examine yourself ..me for an example struggle with lusting after these woman and masturbation..it’s a struggle I fight daily .🫡🫡
Hahahaha! Define “friend” please. What are you doing with your “friends?” How much one on one time are you spending with these platonic friends?
@@Glimtj4ever a friendship is like that of a brother or sister. It's not that hard to treat it as such.
@@Glimtj4ever Are you seriously mocking a Christian man who has platonic friends that are women? Because apparently to you, a guy can never be friends with a woman without want to have sex with them, right? Grow up...
@@Stew91 if the female friends are attractive, it is unlikely that the male has not at least considered what it would be like to be more than platonic friends with the female. As the studies show, male minds often drift to the sexual… even with female “friends”.
For single men, this isn’t as much of an issue as for married men.
Single men can safely be attracted to female friends, but must pray against lust.
My mother always taught me that men and women ceased to be friends once they got married. After marriage, their spouse is their friend and they can have couple friends.
A LOT of problems can come from couple friends too. A ton of cheating situations happen in couple friendships as well.
In fact...I would say since in my lifetime, roughly 90 percent of friends breakups due to cheating came from couple friendships.
That’s called being swingers….
My mother had shared a story with me about how a woman's husband at the church had reached out to her. She was young and naive. Thought he was seeking innocent "friendship". Things transpired over the course of this "friendship". Showing up to the house when he knew my father wasn't home, sending small gifts, etc. He finally showed his true intentions one-day and that's when my mom finally realized what it was all about. She ended it right then and there, told my father, and tried to talk to the woman about what her husband did during a woman's ministry trip. The woman wouldn't hear any of it and due to the drama that ensued my mother wasn't well liked afterwards. They blamed her for his actions.
My husband and I have set boundaries when it comes to friendships. Not to be alone with anyone of the opposite sex and always be together for everything we do with friends.
Edit: I want to clarify that my mother had a friendship with the woman prior. She felt guilty and felt it was the right thing to do by telling the woman what happened, even though it ended the friendship they had, and was another reason why my mother left the church.
Hate when the wife blames the other woman for her husband’s actions🥴🤦🏾♀️
@@roxyweka They were friends at the time. She felt guilty for what happened and thought it was the right thing to do.
But she enjoyed the attention and gifts? Would she have thought if was normal if it was her husband giving gifts and attention to another woman who didn't shout it down? I think she is partly to blame.
@@tinicoleofficial This woman accepted attention + gifts from a man who was not her husband, of course she is to blame. He was showing his true intentions and she accepted those intentions/attention all along the way.
@@roxyweka her husband was trying to cheat on her I think she deserves to know lmao. I mean that’s a core value of marriage broken.
As a woman who had become “ friends” with man from church, make no mistake, it starts off innocent enough then it turns emotional and finally sexual. I lived through it. The devil seeks to wreck your life.
Guard your heart and families, ladies! Amen
That’s facts
Sight of Sound is all knowing i guess XD
Thank you for sharing your story Woman at the Well
My husband had to school me from the get go about what goes on in men's minds. I would constantly exclaim, "Are you sure?" And he would laugh. Same goes for him. I have had to explain time and time again how the female brain works and he still says, "I would have never known. Wait, are you sure?" 😂
Listen! I was here! I worked with the public and I truly TRULY thought I was being normal, friendly (part of my job bc they’re customers so gotta be nice) , and polite. And then a guy would hit on me. I would be like WHY THOUGH?? And my husband would say no that’s not what he is seeing. I learned a lot working with the public.
Rus' long pauses after hearing shocking info, KILLS ME. LOL
And then he goes off and hits us with the facts. 💯
My youth pastor in high school had strict rules for all of us so everything would be above reproach. Even when some of us were close to graduating, we weren't to hang out with youth leaders of the opposite-sex alone, even if we were just a year or two apart in age. It was meant to protect all of us and it was a good thing! Boundaries are important for all parties and protect all parties involved.
🔥🙏🏾🔥
Kaitlyn, that’s so great to hear. My wife and I led a college age ministry for two years (her and I are in our mid 30’s). It was so important to have rules and boundaries set up between us and the students. We would occasionally take students on “one on one” lunches to get to know them and disciple them. We made sure I took the guys out and she took the girls. As a 36 year old man, I had no business taking 20 something girls out to lunch by myself. That’s just asking for trouble. I also made sure never to text the college girls by myself, but would have my wife do it or would talk with my wife and include her in the text. After doing that ministry for a few years I realized how easy it can be for someone in a teaching position to stumble. There has to be a high level of prudence when it comes to Church leadership.
Avoid all appearance of evil
I was trying to explain this to my wife and my son’s girlfriend the other day. I told them that “dudes don’t want to just be friends” and they told me that I’m crazy.
Every single thing Ruslan has said on this whole topic, I couldn’t agree more with.
I am a single Christian young woman (20 yrs). I have been told by many women in my life to not be in a rush to have a relationship but to have many friendships with guys. I found this to be a problem because I found myself being attracted to some of my guy friends. I thought it was my trauma and codependency issues acting up and I demonized my emotions because of this. I was never one of those extremely attractive females and many times it was my personality that caused people to stick around. However, I also struggled to have solid female friendships because I grew up with males and found it easier to get along with guys rather than females.
I said this to come to the point of me being closer with males than females and finding myself either being attracted to them or they being attracted to me. I felt like it was just a me issue because I was always told to have plenty of guy friends but that was never the situation for me.
I hate how society pushes the exception is the norm rule because when the typical scenario happens you can think something is wrong with you when it is simply you having to place the regular boundaries to guard your heart.
My advice to females younger than me reading this: Yes it is good to have male friends but set your boundaries and guard your heart. It will save you from a world of heartbreak.
I don’t think that the problem is romantic attraction! I think that most people would have to learn how to navigate it while maintaining boundaries in their friendships.
Girl same!!
I am 17 and have strugled with this, now the Lord has guven me a gñfemale friend who has been changing that in me. My boundries i have intentionally had changed because this is an issue i prayed about and still am
But do not wait too late to get married. After 25 pregnancy become way too risky than it is before in your fertile years.
It depends on how you define the "friendship". Being in a small church filled with married woman around my age, I consider them friends even though the only times we talk are when we see each other in church. Besides, I've known them even before they got married so it would be a bit inappropriate to call just them acquaintances. But that's about it. I know them personally but nothing goes beyond our occasional brief convos on Sundays.
Now if we're talking about a "friendship" between a married person and someone of the opposite sex that is single (or another married person of the opposite sex} that involves a high volume sharing of personal information, hanging out privately and giving gifts, I mean, that already sounds like a budding romantic relationship if you ask me.
Some non-believers may not make an issue about it. But as Christians, we have a testimony to protect and thus should be held on a higher standard. Any act that may start rumors/gossip among the congregation should be avoided. And anything that can lead to someone falling for someone he/she shouldn't, even more so.
I’m grateful that this is being talked about. My family is being hurt by this right now.
I’m so sorry about that praying for you
Bless you sister. Praying!
I’m so sorry…praying for you and yours..❤️
Even though I may be the exception to the rule the Bible says "be careful lest you may be tempted." I dig it Ruslan. For 26 years I've been married, since age 19, and never had an affair in spite of conversing with many women as friends and in ministry. I would not advise anyone to do that because there is always a chance for temptation to fall. My fear of the Lord is what keeps me the most accountable. There is just too much to lose for me to commit adultery, plus my wife fulfills all my needs in a way that none of these other women can touch. 💯. For the record I would never counsel a woman one on one alone without anyone around. That's just pushing it way too much. Not wise at all.
What happens when some day she cannot fill your needs?…
@@OneSparrow-76 great question, maybe then I'd fall to the lust of the flesh? "No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." I Cor 9:27
God bless you & your marriage! 🙏🏾 amen.
I think that men and women can be friends as long there are boundaries. For instance, be in public with someone of the opposite sex when you have a partner. My boyfriend has plenty of girl friends, but he tells me about their friendships and I know most of them. I really think it has to do with trust and what the context is. I'm not going to tell him to stop having girl friends and he's not going to tell me to stop having boy friends. There's nothing wrong with having boundaries, but I also think some people take this way too far.
I agree. It wouldn’t hurt to bring your wife/husband in public to speak with a friend and the friend shouldn’t have a problem with it. Boundaries must be put in place as you said.
@@amberjohnson, exactly!
Update us when you have an affair.
@@mahreeohhhh Thanks I will 😂
@@mahreeohhhh I'll be waiting to.. it never works. Im telling ya... men think and move like carnally, its literally bound to happen.
In our fallen nature, Christian men and women are still prone to temptation albeit differently (for women: need to be desired and for men: the need for sex). Being born again does not entirely remove the fallen nature but can attenuate it ( dying to our flesh) but it's still present in all of us.
Thus , Christian men and women can be colleague, acquaintances under controlled circumstances but cannot be friends due to fallen nature. That's why an aspect of the fruit given by the Holy Spirit is assistance with the control of self (self-control); that is, the necessity of the HS to help us in controlling the "self" (the ever present desired of the flesh).
Our flesh will lie to us by telling us we can tame our flesh and befriend the opposite sex.
🤣🤣🤣 It wouldn't be a Ruslan video without a gym/nutrition analogy.
Facts!
Stop asking if something is wrong, and start asking “Is this wise?”
“All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”
I Corinthians 6:12 NKJV
Me to Husband 👉🏾 You have a friend in Jesus! 😂
😂😂😂
Amen to that sister! 😂 Hey Jesus is my best friend too- we’re all best friends!
Exactly what you said.
I think bible does give an answer to this. Essentially treat other women as your sisters rather than potential mates. The question remains is it possible, I'd like to think that scripture wouldn't prescribe something impossible for us to follow but this is where God's grace comes in. The studies presented are of secular people who don't follow this advice hence its not surprising to see the results. I wonder if they're studies of this regarding individuals professing a Christian faith.
1 Timothy 5:2, NIV: older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity
Spot on
I have plenty female friends and that’s all it was by choice, but now that I’m in a relationship I introduce them to my girlfriend and they communicate more with eachother than me now which I actually like!
That’s how it should be!💯
Interesting
I straight up nuked a previous relationship by not seeing how having female friends can be an issue, led to a lot of frustration and it ran rampant in our relationship. I definitely learned my lesson and am setting boundaries for my female friends moving forward. Some of my closest friends at church are female and we usually all hang out in groups now (mix of guys and girls). We never do one-on-one of opposite sex and it's works really well for us!
This topic reminds me of 1 Thessalonians 5:21-24. In which we should "shun the presence of evil". Even if we are confident in our own self control unfortunately we live in a world where sexual sin is common enough that a married man and a women interacting in a close manner can "look" inappropriate is enough biblical instruction for me. Because I am obeying Gods word not for me, but for God's Kingdom to be glorified.
So exactly what is the evil, because I can have a conversation with a man and sexual thoughts never come across my mind. So is the person evil, the innocent conversation evil, your intentions behind engaging in a conversation evil the surrounding evil? What are you shunning, honestly curious because when God has changed your heart and mind, truly not with pretense you will only be concerned with the subject at hand and understand that women are intelligent being who can engage with great conversation and make the mind think and ponder. So what exactly is the evil for the Christian guy to shun from?
This is sound doctrine brought to us at this very day and age! It's best to not complicate life, because of what's already piled on by this modern day culture. Thank you for your input, this makes perfect sense my dear🙂
Proverbs 25:28 says Whoever has no rule over his own spirit Is like a city broken down, without walls.
…. With that being said we really need to use discernment to set boundaries to protect our “cities”
Good conversation. I totally agree with this. My husband told me he was friends with me ONLY because he liked me. It worked because he is my best friend/hubby now! Ladies, guys want to be your friend for more than what you think. The friend zone women do isn't the same for men. Don't fall into the modern woman trap...
aint it shallow for a guy to be your friend just so he can maybe date you and not because he values your friendship and you as a person? To be fair though i value friendships way more than i do romantic ones i think.
THANK YOU for your honesty.. so many women think so shallowly on this topic.
@@renzillian2436 is this a man or woman responding?
@@jlking0098 yes many do.
“Can a man take fire to his bosom, And his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, And his feet not be seared?”
Proverbs 6:27-28
Don’t mess with the fire man
🎯💯
I am a 41 yo woman and the way he described women is exactly how I use to be and think until I matured years later. It’s mind blowing because I realized how destructive I was in the past when I use to think I was right. 🤦🏼♀️
In deciding if you can be friends with the opposite sex you have to ask how attractive are you to them? And why do you just want to be friends and not more? I think this is the first step in the analysis.
I 100% agree. As an asexual and aromantic woman, I am extra aware of men who would try to use a friendship as a way of dating me in the future.
@@SharaiLunn I think using friendship as a way to date someone is a terrible idea. Funny thing is that about 29 years ago some churches actually encouraged this through the “I kissed Dating Good Bye” book. I think it’s completely dishonest and only leads to people getting hurt.
@@darkknight901 Exactly!
@@SharaiLunn and its just shallow to do that to a person :/
I'm so glad you posted this. There are always exceptions to the rule and hopefully people know themselves well enough to discern situations. I personally didn't know what appropriate boundaries were until AFTER I got married. And I crossed the line several times early on. Not to the point of physical contact or anything sexual, but definitely misplaced time and attention to women who weren't my wife. And it was via social media. I think it becomes a wisdom play. That "familiarity and frequency" is just plain dangerous in my opinion. It seems like an opening for the enemy to steal, kill and destroy. The stakes are definitely higher when you're married - more to lose. But even as single Christians (and I totally agree that men can't use women as the scapegoat for our lust issues) it can be tricky. At the end of the day, married or single I hope holiness is still a pursuit. That in and of itself could alleviate a lot of this debate. Because God did create men and women to co-exist. The question is, on an individual basis, are we healthy enough to be in community while honoring God's standards of humanity. Not defining our own.
The question to be asked in Matt's case is, why was he having a DM with this lady? Second, what was the reason for the frequency of his conversation? Thirdly was she a Christian and in a counselling chat? Fourthly who was initiating the communication? Let's not be fooled. All sexual scandals begins exactly with a casual chat, unfriendly touch, unwarranted gaze.
I knew once my male friends got married that our friendship would forever be altered. Unless I had a true friendship with the wife (and in many instances I am better friends with the wives) our dynamic would never be the same and THAT was fine. .
I just think men and women should have great friendships outside their marriage. Especially men. It's healthy and iron sharpens iron. but very close intimate friendships of the opposite sex and the spouse is not involved. ..don't recommend. And I might add the reason my male friendships stayed platonic? Because of me. I simply was not going to allow it. But at one point it was brought up and this is in almost every friendship I had. Men and women are different.
And I think Matt recognized that. I really hate that the standard his so high for him(as scripture calls) that now the world is trying to call him a predator.
I pray for his family cause man this sucks.
Completely understand. One of my best friend recently got a gf and I immediately realized some things couldn't be the same. I no longer call him as much or talk to him alone anytime I do there's someone else. And you know what? It's fine. I have other guy friends I'm close with but if they ever get into a relationship, I will distance myself. Best not to risk it.
Great content Ruslan. My ex and I disagreed on whether it’s a good idea to have CLOSE opposite gender friends whilst we’re dating or if we marry. He wouldn’t listen to me that men and women should be treated differently coz we ARE different. His personality is atypical of most men which is why he felt he doesn’t need as strict boundaries as is the common sense advice, but he refused to acknowledge that feelings develop through proximity, and thinks close opp-gender friendships is fine even when he’s not single. Good decision that we broke up
Had a similar situation with my ex and is what actually lead us to break up anyways
I cracked up when Ruslan gave the looong pause after the men's survey!!!
Thanks for all your consistent labors Ruslan, we are all wiser because of it.
Ok that Ted talk cleared up alot. In the case of Matt Chandler I think everyone's criticism isn't valid because they're all making absolutes out of hypothetic therories. It seems that Matt may have been being friendly and encouraging to this lady and the lady may have been catching feelings but, he didn't see it. So as a preventiitve measure the elders put him on leave becuase to stop rumors from flowing. Yes women and men can be friends but, potential for affairs to happen are high if the woman gets emotionally involved. Yes Men and women need to place healthy boundaries up for themselves to keep from inpropriety from happening. However I do agree Purity culture mucked things up by not clearifying why we have the boundaries.
Well said
Key phrase of this video: protect what’s precious.
This was a great stream.
As someone who highly regards Matt Chandler I appreciate your balanced videos around this situation.
Thanks!
The reason I like you brother Ruslan is that you're open to reason and ready to unlearn and relearn, not only from your own camp (believers) but also from other people's camp (unbelievers), because there are things we can also learn from them which are objectively true about life. I gotta say, this is the most compelling video I've ever watched with evidence on the controversial subject of male - female friendship. Thank you brother Ruslan!!!
While it's not wrong for men and women who are not married to each other to be friends, it does open the door for situations to possibly arise and as Christians we have to be careful of that. That's how I ended up cheating on my spouse and he on me. That was 7 years ago and we've both forgiven each other and moved past it but don't open doors you're not strong enough to close.
When the bible says, "shun the very appearance of evil" it's basically saying, if something even LOOKS BAD, you need to leave that situation. If something could even create opportunity for gossip, shun that thing. Resist that thing. Flee that thing. Don't even go there.
The time this man has spent online taking to that women with such "frequency" is time he could have been talking to his wife or making her feel good..
I'm not saying they have a bad marriage, I don't know their dynamics but I'm telling you even a good marriage needs work to get better. I'll be praying for him and his family.
Church, ya’ll need to hold your horses! I have yet to hear anyone applaud the woman who was courageous enough to follow through with Matthew 18. She had a concern with her brother being in sin and she addressed him privately.
Matt screwed things up to begin with. The elders came to take things from a supposed zero to 100!
The one person who got it right hasn’t gotten a, “way to go sis!”
Absolutely. She did a great job
During the sermon after Matt’s part, Josh Patterson actually did praise her for her courage more than once.
@@ComeWhatMay247 I meant us. They know exactly everything going on all the rights and the wrongs in this situation. I was talking about us. We’re coming up with all kinds of scenarios, we’re hung up all of the bad but I don’t see a video about that woman going viral. We love drama just like the world.
@@ruralmillennial4354 I was literally thinking this the moment I started to see so many reaction videos by so many brothers (mainly) and sisters in Christ. I think the body has problem with placing leaders on pedestal so high l, to even step down becomes a scandal in and of itself
Thank you for the honesty. Many people only promote what they think others want to hear. And I'll offer this: when men go out of their way to have exclusive friendships with married women, those men are dishonest about their intentions. No man was should want a "private" friendship with a woman to the exclusion of her husband/mate. You may even consider such men cowardly.
As a single Christian woman I've been not just friend zoned but more like sister zoned several times. I tried your "social experiment" and the answer has been that they see me like a sister so I dunno. Maybe I'm just around a large pool of guys that are the exception
It isn’t a YES or NO question. It depends on the person, intent, Maturity, etc. my best friend is a girl & we’ve grow up together, spent one on ones many times. Her family knows we would never date for various reasons. She’s married now and just had her first kid and the husband is awesome and is completely fine and loves my friendship with her.
Interesting
Your case is the exception, not the rule. Such friendships are not impossible, but rare.
@@sarahnerd1950 Lol that’s the whole point of my original comment
@@DeepVoiceBryan Ok, sorry maybe I took it the wrong way, it seemed to me you were saying it was common. Saying "it's not a yes or no question" implies you think it depends on the situation, not that it is rare.
95% of the time, it's going to be no.
I believe men & women can be friends as long as there are STRICT boundaries placed🗣💯 No long convos otp, no hanging out alone even in public settings, no constantly being in contact🙅🏾♀️
"A person you do fun things with" is a shallow view of friendship
Married people shouldn’t. Your spouse should be your best man or women friend. When I was single every single friend I had of the opposite sex I realised that either me or the friend would eventually develop feelings. I think it’s very rare that both don’t develop feelings but rather don’t take that chance if you married you never know what season you gonna find yourself in with your spouse and in a moment of vulnerability and weariness you could make that mistake of crossing those lines.
I'm going to be completely honest. I shared this with my husband for the 1st time ever today in regards to the Matt Chandler debacle. First and foremost, I'm a lover of Jesus and have been close to Him for almost all of my life. For almost a decade, I went to this church that ironically has close ties with the Village Church. Joshua Harris was my lead pastor. I remember being summoned to the pastor's office a few different times. And it was made very clear, that we were not allowed to close the office door so that we could protect our purity. This actually scared me so much. I thought, "what on earth do you think is going to happen in that office?!" 😳 So I was freaked out the entire exchange. I kept looking at the door and subconsciously (and consciously), I kept looking at the door in terror that it may close and that there was a possibility that I may be assaulted. I know this may sound a bit dramatic but put yourself in my shoes. The rules that you couldn't be behind close doors or an elevator or closed space with the opposite sex confused me...and terrified me. I completely understand that these things do happen behind closed doors. I also believe it's imperative to have safeguards up with the opposite sex but this was just on a level that made me super uncomfortable. Every single time I was in one of the offices, my mind obsessed about that stupid door that was supposed to be shut for our sexual safety. Never in a million years, did I dream of hooking up with one of the pastors, married or not. It created a super uncomfortable space and vibe. I've heard men not be able to go to the gym. Maybe that's what they need to do. Yesterday I heard one of my married brothers in Christ say he was going to limit himself to talking with woman one time a month. His wife chuckled with confused/worried eyes. I would like to encourage every godly man to realize that not every woman is trying to jump your bones. In fact, I think you will find that most are NOT trying to do that. Reality is not a real life porn video. Women are very sexual creatures, don't get me wrong. Anyways, lots could be said here. I'm grateful this is being talked about within our spiritual family. God bless you all.
All fair points but most affairs start with friends.
I don’t think it’s always about an individual (you) it’s other factors. There are many many many women and also the person (man or woman themselves) all the enemy needs is a foot-hole.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Thank you for this perspective. The first time I had a Pastor do this to me I felt very shamed. All I could think the entire time was, "why does he think I would sleep with him?"
@@bethestandardallday yes, affairs usually do start after a friendship has begun. But there are a lot of times people slip up in the tinder climate of these days. I have personally witnessed many of my close brothers and sisters slip up. Majority of them always started casually in their working environment. Slowly and innocently but surely, the barriers came down. One rock at a time. One or two big fights with the spouse and thats all it took. If I had to guess, Matt probably worked with this woman.
@@annlowry9841 I'm so glad you understand me. I think this all points back to what Ruslan was saying about the differences with men and woman. It took many years of marriage for my husband to convince me how men's minds work. And vice versa. My husband would exclaim, "are you sure that's how women think?"
Speaking from personal experience, I’m married (5 years now) and my wife and I have a very close female friend (like a sister to us). I can hang with her solo and not worry cause of a key thing: attractiveness is not there, which is what Ruslan pointed out. I think there’s people you can do this with, but it’s very few and far between and at the end of the day, Bible does say to avoid the appearance of evil.
You’d be surprised how desperation and loneliness can make anyone an option.
Oh yikes. I wouldn't be ok with my boyfriend doing that.
Playing with fire, bro. Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Corinthians 10:12).
Men and women can be friends if they are not in relationships, but if they are then they should only be friends in a group setting.
I've seen a number of comments here where folks are saying that friendship with the opposite sex is okay if you know yourself and have self control. But the thing is, no one really knows themself. We can think it's all good, until it's not. Instead of trusting our own self-assessment of how strong we think we are, we'd be on much more solid ground to trust what the Scriptures teach us about ourselves. 1 Corinthians 10:12 gives us a strong caution for a good reason. Good stuff Ruslan! Thanks!
Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Corinthians 10:12).
Then how about don’t get married since they can’t seem to control themselves. I’m serious. I think most people marry out of convenience or feel forced by the church or family. So, yeah…they get easily tempted. Shocker!
I thought a lot of this was common knowledge. It’s the reason this whole situation with Matt Chandler made sense to me.
If Matt was talking to a woman who isn’t his wife, even with his wife and the other woman’s husband knowing of their dm’s, it could still lead to something down the road if they weren’t being careful. Matt Chandler having to step down is due to him being unable to set proper boundaries befitting of someone in his position
I'm pro Billy-Graham-rule because the Bible says to abstain from the very APPEARANCE of evil - setting boundaries and guarding one's heart is vital. Most sinful situations start out innocent then progress. I'm glad M. Chandler stepped down for a period and the elders asked him to take a break. Thank God the woman's friend said something to Chandler.
Honest and sincere question.
What about those of us that struggle with being attracted to both sexes?
Are we just not allowed to have friends at all?
I felt this! My boyfriend and I have very open and honest conversations about all the friendships in our lives because he understands that it's not the same for me as it is for him being straight.
@tail feathers
I agree. I think all friendships should have those boundaries.
I agree with this a lot. I think the part where it was crude and familiar, coarse and frequent is more of the issue than the friendship, as far as the discipline action is concerned... maybe.
It’s hard to know what to say about it when we don’t know the whole story from the DMs
True but this video is more a generalization based off that one case.
As a single woman in NEW church, I myself always look out for who's married and whos' not. Everyone is very friendly- which is awesome. But not trying to give mixed signals with a "SMILE"
Once married friends, never. But brotherly, and sisterly relationship works in the border of honour for your love for your spouse and Jesus.
A very complicated issue, very well articulated and insightful perspective. Thank you 🙏
I honestly don't see anything wrong with what Matt did. And to me, based on the information given, I think there was no need for him to step down or even for this to be made public. I think sometimes in wanting to be very transparent and honest as a Christian, we can kinda go overboard.
Ugh he supposed above reproach. Even if it’s over caution it was wise for them to sit him down
@@RuslanKD I don't know KD ... But I still think it was too extreme. To have him step down for a friendship by all standards that was not wrong. And my thinking is, being christians, we are led by the Spirit... Did he initially get promptings that this friendship was wrong?? To be honest, on this issue... I just think it was overboard. And I am in support of Matt. Am not making assumptions that there was something more. He seems like a very straight up guy
@@aleczander283 to be fair, he took a leave of absence. My guess is IF everything is as they say, he’ll be back preaching in 18 months
On point as always. As a female, I have had many males friends over the years, and they have all tried their hand over the years except 1. We have been friends from grade 10 in high school and we are still friends 20 years later. However we have boundaries and our friendship has changed over the years from both of us being single and now we are both married. We are friends with each others spouses and God parents to each other's children however we don't talk every day....maybe once a month or so because we respect each other's marriages. He is 1 out of the many.... He is the exception but men will try their hand and most friendships with the opposite sex are not strictly platonic on both ends. Someone has feelings or intentions and is just waiting for the opportunity. Its just reality.
This is why I share an Instagram and Facebook with my wife. I don’t have my own Social media. We are on Instagram together and Facebook together and I think you can avoid certain issues like that.
Bro, I don’t think Beth Barr meant what you interpreted her to mean. I don’t see that from the one tweet, she’s just saying “why can’t we be friends?”
Thanks to the Billy Graham Rule, evangelicals have become hypersensitive and even paranoid about male-female relationships and sexuality. Some of the things we impose on ourselves and the guilt we put people through are flat out ridiculous!
Finish the video and then tell me if the principe is ridiculous. Deal?
Thank you for this Ruslan. I completely agree with everything you’re saying it is foolish to ignore what we deep down know to be true. I have seen it firsthand in a church with a lifted boundaries in a year later a third of the church ended in divorce.
My only humble issue I take with Chandler‘s statement was I was disappointed that he didn’t just come out and say that he had send and ask for forgiveness. He said I’m embarrassed and forgive me. I feel like it was surprisingly emotional for a church body that doesn’t seem to embrace that kind of emotionality. I felt like it was either intentionally or unintentionally manipulative to get people to rally around him because he was in a weak state.
In my opinion when we’re wrong no matter how hard it is we need to say I have sinned and I am asking for your forgiveness. This takes all the power out of our hands and gives it to the ones we’ve wronged to either choose to forgive or not to forgive.
Are people that out of control that they can't be friends with the opposite sex?
I've got male friends that I've known for over 20 years and the relationship has never been anything other than platonic. For the ones in relationships, I'm even friends with their wives. You just have to know how to respect boundaries. The wives /girlfriends come first and you're not in competition with them.
Very much a modern delusion
Can you finish the video then come back and comment.
Lol
It may be a delusion to some of you, but it isn't for me. Having said that, I'm all for people creating the boundaries they need for themselves. Don't put yourself in a position of temptation.
@tail feathers That's not a "modern delusion". That's clear trust that has been built and established for years.
So I was dating this girl a couple of months ago, and we ended up breaking up because she wanted to have other guy friends while I thought that it’s not appropriate for her to do that in the long run. I spoke to my pastor about it and he agreed with me. I understand and completely agree that men and women can’t be friends when either of them are married, and it can cause serious issues when either is in a relationship. But what about if you’re still looking for a partner? I now find that I almost end up avoiding women and don’t know how to start a relationship. If I can’t have that “frequency and familiarity” with a woman that I’m interested, how can I get to know them on a casual level before I pursue a relationship with them?
I think when both people are single then you can be friends. That’s exactly how dating should start is with friendship. But once either person is in a relationship and especially married, it becomes inappropriate. So definitely, if you’re single and she is too- go for the good, godly friendships!
@@OneWayJesus777-x2n Amen, thank you.
@@jodygoodwin77 spot on!
I have had female friends since I was a kid. The same ones. Strictly platonic with no boundaries crossed. We're Christians. Many of my buddies who meet them are surprised that I've never tried anything with them. (They're VERY pretty) I've always, with intention, looked at them like sisters and treated them that way. They are also friends with my wife and call her and spend time with her without me being around. I think Christian men, depending on their weaknesses, should have platonic friendships with women. It helps in so many ways.
I am not trying to pick a side, but I have a question for us to think through: in this address the elder talks about "brother-sister" relationship. They point out Matt's relationship with her was not sexual, but it was because of frequency and familiarity. Are we saying then that brothers and sisters do not frequently talk to each other and are familiar with each other? Why use brother-sister language, when in reality it more sounds like acquaintances? Can someone help me understand what brother-sister language looks like if it is not frequent and familial communication? If Matt talked to his actual sister in the way of frequency and familiarity, would we even bat an eye?
That silence was so loud!😅😂
“Most of you have already pointed out the wrong that person did, and this is punishment enough for what was done. When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair. You should make them sure of your love for them.”
2 Corinthians 2:6-8 CEV
Men and women can in fact be friends. You just need to observe and maintain proper boundaries
This was so on point..... and eye opening.
When i was dating my husband... he was jealous a little if I smiled at any other guy.
I had no idea......
Wow
1 Timothy 5 basically corrects people on the 4 relationships a man should have with a woman: a sister, a mother, a daughter or a wife.
Anything else check your heart.
The dramatic pausing and looking had me in stitches, Ruslan🤣🤣 with the bass drop😂 thank you for preaching this message, such valuable content. God bless💙
Glad to see that other men see it this way as well from a Christian standpoint. Was truly believing it was divided down the middle here. Thanks Ruslan!
What a crazy video Ruslan. What I got from this is to be Very VERY MINDFUL, of who we humans male or female are friends with.
As my mom always says, live by knowledge. God wants us to avoid the appearance of evil.
Purity has been demonized, these days. Didn't God say we must flee from temptation? That we must put safeguards bcz our hearts are deceitful? Friendship bet man and woman who is not your spouse can form emotional attachments that is intended for the spouse, and be a temptation in times of vulnerability. There will be inevitable comparison to the spouse and a development of a bond. Not to be legalistic, friends with opposite sex can be in the context of group friends with your spouse in the group. I refused to believe this before, I was too confident with my self will and self control but it still hurt my husband and eventually I fell into sin and almost destroyed my marriage. Praise God, He delivered me from my spiritual blindness and now understand the design for marriage and the importance of setting boundaries . 🙏 I think what happened here with Mat is way better than what happened to Ravi. He was protected and disciplined and loved by his church and the elders... and I believe that this is what God wants that he be humbled, corrected and restored. Praise God!
I think it should be okay to be friends with whoever. For Christians,it should be taken a step further and actually view the opposite sex as your brother/sister in Christ. Which means that there should be boundaries, respect, and Purity between the opposite sex.
It says it in 1 Corinthians 12:13, 27 “By one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.... Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular”
Agreeeeddd with everythingggg. Problem is too many people have too much confidence in the flesh. Paul by the Spirit said have NO CONFIDENCE in the flesh.
Brilliant Ruslan...... I applaud 👏🏼 you for going their and speaking up about subjects that are very important, that most won't speak about. That is why your channal is soooo good!! Love it & I agree with much of what you said there....... "Protect what is precious" nails it! 💖💖🙌🏽👏🏼👍🏼👊🏼
Thank you for throwing down this truth brother.
#protectyourmarriage
When in a relationship it’s not healthy to have friendships that can make your partner feel like they have to hope it don’t lead to something eventually. Things may not start that way BUT the devil sit and wait to crept in when the mind starts wondering 💭
At the 15:57 mark, I just realize that Ruslan looks like Harry from Spider-Man. The Tobey Maguire one
Good video, The discussions I been seeing about this topic on Social media deteriorated my health…..all nuance is thrown out the window and everything is black and white. It’s to the point that establishing boundaries translates to a person who can’t “control themselves “🤦🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️
“ Not all things are beneficial even if they are not sinful” - 1 Corinthians 10:24 and also “ everything that does not proceed from faith is sin” - Roman 14:23
Men and women can be friends in a public setting of good fellowship, but a one on one friendship is a tough one and not the best idea for a married person, but if you're single then one on one is fine if it's outside and in a public place.
I have never deluded myself with the idea of neutral hetero friendships. I have male acquaintances that I have positive interactions with but I am a married woman and I just imagine how I would feel if my someone was "friends" with a woman like me. I wouldn't like it. I agree with the one on one rule
Thanks for covering this. From listening to various YT channels and being part of various dialogues, I've learned that when it comes to the men, the sex is just a thing to do. They get their rocks off (even with someone they're not even really attracted to) and move on. A real eyeopener that sex truly is just an animal act for a lot of these men.
Goes both ways
@@laborsave8034 rarely.
24:55 🤣😭 i scream laughed, thank you for this! too funny and too true!
The first study is reaffirming old news. We wouldn't want to simplify a complex issue. Men and women are definitely different. But the differences within the sexes (men vs men; women vs women) are more different than the disparity between the sexes.
Great video! Boundaries are good for every part of life……I have a former colleague that I’m friends with, we have been to lunch and morning coffee. I have both him and his wife’s number and have been to their home once. I text him on occasion in the day. Soon we may have dinner with a group. It can’t be the same type of friendship and frequency that I have with a single girlfriend.
I do not understand why many are shaming him publicly.. gossiping about him when all have sinned... God's Word says to correct and forgive because we are no better, whether we break the command of do not murder, or do not commit adultery we are guilty of breaking God's Law.
This is supposed to be fixed within the church family, and then if he does not change his ways then we are not to keep communion with such an unrepentant fellow brother.
Must stop making gossip about it. GOD hates gossip. Should be hearing and reading God's Holy Word instead of being ignorant of our Savior's commands.
One of my best friends at my church happens to be a married woman. I was one of her husband's groomsmen at their wedding. They are both dear dear friends of mine. Sometimes, I message her on her own but it's EXTREMELY rare. We don't spend any time alone AT ALL. I know my heart, even if I don't act on it, I know what my thought life might do. Biblical boundaries are important for me.
When Ruslan is right… I wish I knew this when I left my first bf for someone else and destroyed two years of my life
You know there's something else going on when the word just is used, we are "just" friends. That's the minimizer word that you wouldn't need to use if there wasn't an emotional entanglement.
Smart man named Joseph in the Bible. Run, run runaway. I sound like a Monty Python movie.