10:46 Opening up a little, you have no idea how helping you are to people. I'm 14,almost 15 and you helped me discover some part of myself that i questioned and hated myself for, this amplifying when i was 12-13. I cut fake friends, and i stopped blaming myself for stuff. Today i live as an undiagnosed autistic, and finally understood and is working to understand why i am me,with all the bits and pieces that compose me as an individual. I know that a lot of people start to discover themselves in adolescence and i do too, however the only (slight) difference is with that, i start to embrace myself more and hope for personal change.
I come from Brasil. Thaks for express your experience, this sound make sense im my life, for promote pathway in junction with ideas that i choose. Diferent people, but, same this, is very good this feeling. 😆
hmm, masking is something that makes absolute sense to me & also i'm confused by it. for instance - when people around me don't see that i'm in physical pain or that i'm spinning out inside - because, as they say 'you look really calm', like is this me masking or just my face? i've always hid how i "felt" because i don't have the verbal skills to articulate it all & feel confused when people say "just be yourself". i am many selves. i don't know which one you speak of. which self do i present? it gets way too muddled for me. sooo saying unmask just do you, it doesn't compute. i do not know how to do that at all....i feel sad on that. thanks for listening thanks for being, thanks
I just don't get this concept of unmasking when it comes to me. I wasn't diagnosed until three years ago at the age of 19, so I for sure must pass quite well as neurotypical, and I know for sure too that between the ages of 12 and 16 I did a lot of effort to learn how to behave 'in a more socially acceptable way'. I tried very hard to learn how to understand figurative and non-verbal language, and also when is it appropriate for me to start info-dumping about my special interests in a given situation. But to me it never felt and to this day doesn't feel as compromising 'the real me' or putting on a character. I never stopped stimming (my main stim has always been chewing objects, and as a little kid I had already mastered the art of seeming like I was chewing chewing gum when in actuality I was chewing something else), I never stopped 'thinking outside of the box' all the time and displaying it in conversation, I never put effort into engaging more in meaningless small talk, and I never stopped info-dumping people either, I just learned when it was appropriate and when it wasn't. So to me those skills I learned in my early teens are just that: useful skills to have a more satisfactory social life that just so happened to make me seem 'more normal'. And I definitely don't think there's some buried me inside myself who I'm not letting myself be in front of people, I think I'm very much myself all the time. Maybe the reason our experiences with masking are so different is sexism: a boy like me can get away with pretty autistic behavior and still be seen as a neurotypical who is quite nerdy, awkward and eccentric (which a lot of people find kind of endearing actually, sometimes in a somewhat patronizing way), whereas when it comes to autistic girls maybe you are forced to mask to way further extents than I've ever been forced to mask.
Yeah I definitely agree! There have been many studies about masking/social skills and gender, and female (ew, gender binary, sorry) social environments require much more masking to be "accepted" than male (see previous parenthesis for my feelings on the gender binary) social environments because our social rules are much more complicated. Also! The trope of "the absent-minded professor", aka your quirky autistic dude, is widely accepted by people as a thing so it's easier to get away with that as well (if you want to learn more about autistic literature tropes check out this video: ruclips.net/video/OKZZslb5XCg/видео.html&ab_channel=SydneyZarlengo) Thanks for bringing up an awesome point!! :)
@@disabled.autistic.lesbian I think the degree of masking required depends on the mismatch between your natural behavior and what is considered gender-appropriate in your environment. I don't think it makes any sense to say that male social roles require less masking than female social roles-the level of masking isn't a function of the social role, it's a function of the social role and an individual's relationship with that social role.
I don't have any ability to mask any behaviour or things that I say .. and I only discover those things are awkward, abnormal or extraterrestrial when someone tells me. Only now (over 50 yrs old) I noticed that, apparently, human beings are right (?) when they alert me that I don't act or speak like them or the way they consider acceptable or polite or whatever. Maybe if I had noticed that when I was younger it could cause me some anxiety or something but now, although I agree that I am not like them and cannot pretend I am... 1 - I don't give a fuc* (been polite uhu) 2 - I "dare" to say that it feels better to not be like a human being (it doesn't seem appropriate to say wow maybe I am learning something here now) 3 - uh... not having this "masking ability" ... am I losing something or missing something (trying to guess what's the answer "oh, it's important to learn how to behave cause you need social interaction) NO THANKS Actually, posting this is social interaction, isn't?
A problem I run into comes from also being trans. My masking character is the polite, jovial, mostly relaxed, handyman-with-other-technical-skills combination of my dad and step-dad that I was always expected to be--complete with deep voice and open, confidently masculine mannerisms... except that now my face looks like Skyler White with a receding hairline, and my clothing aesthetic is a constantly changing combination of Shane from The L Word, flashback-Regina from Once Upon a Time, and Waverly Earp. When I have it sorted out in ~2 years, I should be fine, but for now it's... it's a time.
I’ve deleted all my coping mechanisms by masking too, I’m only just now at 17 realising I may be autistic (despite there being years of pretty clear signs) and starting to unmask
Super relatable, as most of your videos are to me. While it’s incredibly sad, it’s also relieving, because when I am learning more about myself, I am learning to be more kind and gentle with myself, which is still incredibly hard after the decades (I’m now 40) of trauma and multiple health conditions (mental and physical, although mental illnesses ARE physical) that have nearly killed me. These videos are excellent to show my mother to see if maybe she can hopefully understand a bit better where I’m coming from, as they explain things so well.
Hi Sydney! I'm currently being evaluated for ASD and discovered your channel last night. I really enjoy your content and personality! For me, I am not sure if I have a different Me buried somewhere honestly. I've always been able to adapt extremely well to different types of people/social circles, and have often felt like a fraud/pushover/not genuine because of it. But at the same time I feel like most all of these facets are true to myself. I like to think of myself as an "eclectic being". There are some aspects where I have changed a lot over the past four-ish years but until recently I thought that was just age/self discovery related (I am 41). Like a midlife crisis but in a good way! (think more feminist, less taking crap, more self care, less focused on appearance etc). I guess maybe some of it is due to ASD, and things have just come to a head for me after decades of struggling with life. Ah, this is all so interesting. Sorry I'm babbling haha. I would like to ask your thoughts on uncovering/inventing a new You while in a longterm relationship. I'm married and feel like it's asking a lot of my husband to "out of the blue" adapt to a very changed person than who he has known/married over ten years. Like, I'm willing to lose friends but not my marriage, you know? It's not black and white that way. Again, sorry for rambling. I will make sure to bring this up to my therapist :) Have a sunny day and thanks for getting my brain going!
Congratulations on your evaluation (that rhymes)! Not going to lie, my diagnosis came in the middle of a relationship and it ended up very much dying a hard death but! That doesn't mean you are doomed because you are... well, not 18. I think there's some semblance of growing together that you're going to do and it might be tricky and awkward at first, but in general you'll probably be doing the same things, just understanding the reasoning behind them if that makes any sense? So I think it's a little awkward at first when you're trying to grasp concepts yourself, but once you do understand them you can explain to your husband "here's what I've learned my needs are and here's how you can help". Part of it from his side is kind of scary because he likely wants to aid in your growing to be more you but doesn't know how, so make expectations clear for him too and grow together! (says the 19 year old who has never been married... shh it's fine)
@@disabled.autistic.lesbian Thanks so much for responding! I am hopeful that it'll all work itself out, and if issues remain he can always join in on some counseling maybe, to help us communicate more effectively or find a new normal for us. You are so mature, I can't believe you're only 19! I had barely stopped playing Barbies at your age haha (ok that was at 15..)
@@xoxoLeony In my experience, things always work out the way they're supposed to (even if it feels anything but in the moment) I wish you luck my friend!! :)
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10:46 Opening up a little, you have no idea how helping you are to people. I'm 14,almost 15 and you helped me discover some part of myself that i questioned and hated myself for, this amplifying when i was 12-13. I cut fake friends, and i stopped blaming myself for stuff. Today i live as an undiagnosed autistic, and finally understood and is working to understand why i am me,with all the bits and pieces that compose me as an individual. I know that a lot of people start to discover themselves in adolescence and i do too, however the only (slight) difference is with that, i start to embrace myself more and hope for personal change.
I come from Brasil. Thaks for express your experience, this sound make sense im my life, for promote pathway in junction with ideas that i choose. Diferent people, but, same this, is very good this feeling. 😆
Wow, I learned more in 14 minutes than the last 47 years.
Thankyou.
This video is so weird it literally reflects so much of my experience with autism. This is like mind blowing to me what the-
Clearly I'm inside your brain. It's the only answer
hmm, masking is something that makes absolute sense to me & also i'm confused by it. for instance - when people around me don't see that i'm in physical pain or that i'm spinning out inside - because, as they say 'you look really calm', like is this me masking or just my face? i've always hid how i "felt" because i don't have the verbal skills to articulate it all & feel confused when people say "just be yourself". i am many selves. i don't know which one you speak of. which self do i present? it gets way too muddled for me. sooo saying unmask just do you, it doesn't compute. i do not know how to do that at all....i feel sad on that. thanks for listening thanks for being, thanks
I just don't get this concept of unmasking when it comes to me. I wasn't diagnosed until three years ago at the age of 19, so I for sure must pass quite well as neurotypical, and I know for sure too that between the ages of 12 and 16 I did a lot of effort to learn how to behave 'in a more socially acceptable way'. I tried very hard to learn how to understand figurative and non-verbal language, and also when is it appropriate for me to start info-dumping about my special interests in a given situation.
But to me it never felt and to this day doesn't feel as compromising 'the real me' or putting on a character. I never stopped stimming (my main stim has always been chewing objects, and as a little kid I had already mastered the art of seeming like I was chewing chewing gum when in actuality I was chewing something else), I never stopped 'thinking outside of the box' all the time and displaying it in conversation, I never put effort into engaging more in meaningless small talk, and I never stopped info-dumping people either, I just learned when it was appropriate and when it wasn't. So to me those skills I learned in my early teens are just that: useful skills to have a more satisfactory social life that just so happened to make me seem 'more normal'. And I definitely don't think there's some buried me inside myself who I'm not letting myself be in front of people, I think I'm very much myself all the time.
Maybe the reason our experiences with masking are so different is sexism: a boy like me can get away with pretty autistic behavior and still be seen as a neurotypical who is quite nerdy, awkward and eccentric (which a lot of people find kind of endearing actually, sometimes in a somewhat patronizing way), whereas when it comes to autistic girls maybe you are forced to mask to way further extents than I've ever been forced to mask.
Yeah I definitely agree! There have been many studies about masking/social skills and gender, and female (ew, gender binary, sorry) social environments require much more masking to be "accepted" than male (see previous parenthesis for my feelings on the gender binary) social environments because our social rules are much more complicated. Also! The trope of "the absent-minded professor", aka your quirky autistic dude, is widely accepted by people as a thing so it's easier to get away with that as well (if you want to learn more about autistic literature tropes check out this video: ruclips.net/video/OKZZslb5XCg/видео.html&ab_channel=SydneyZarlengo)
Thanks for bringing up an awesome point!! :)
@@disabled.autistic.lesbian I think the degree of masking required depends on the mismatch between your natural behavior and what is considered gender-appropriate in your environment. I don't think it makes any sense to say that male social roles require less masking than female social roles-the level of masking isn't a function of the social role, it's a function of the social role and an individual's relationship with that social role.
I don't have any ability to mask any behaviour or things that I say .. and I only discover those things are awkward, abnormal or extraterrestrial when someone tells me.
Only now (over 50 yrs old) I noticed that, apparently, human beings are right (?) when they alert me that I don't act or speak like them or the way they consider acceptable or polite or whatever.
Maybe if I had noticed that when I was younger it could cause me some anxiety or something but now, although I agree that I am not like them and cannot pretend I am...
1 - I don't give a fuc* (been polite uhu)
2 - I "dare" to say that it feels better to not be like a human being (it doesn't seem appropriate to say wow maybe I am learning something here now)
3 - uh... not having this "masking ability" ... am I losing something or missing something
(trying to guess what's the answer "oh, it's important to learn how to behave cause you need social interaction)
NO THANKS
Actually, posting this is social interaction, isn't?
This made me tear up. Thank you!!
A problem I run into comes from also being trans. My masking character is the polite, jovial, mostly relaxed, handyman-with-other-technical-skills combination of my dad and step-dad that I was always expected to be--complete with deep voice and open, confidently masculine mannerisms... except that now my face looks like Skyler White with a receding hairline, and my clothing aesthetic is a constantly changing combination of Shane from The L Word, flashback-Regina from Once Upon a Time, and Waverly Earp.
When I have it sorted out in ~2 years, I should be fine, but for now it's... it's a time.
I’ve deleted all my coping mechanisms by masking too, I’m only just now at 17 realising I may be autistic (despite there being years of pretty clear signs) and starting to unmask
interesting and informative video!
Super relatable, as most of your videos are to me. While it’s incredibly sad, it’s also relieving, because when I am learning more about myself, I am learning to be more kind and gentle with myself, which is still incredibly hard after the decades (I’m now 40) of trauma and multiple health conditions (mental and physical, although mental illnesses ARE physical) that have nearly killed me. These videos are excellent to show my mother to see if maybe she can hopefully understand a bit better where I’m coming from, as they explain things so well.
Hi Sydney! I'm currently being evaluated for ASD and discovered your channel last night. I really enjoy your content and personality!
For me, I am not sure if I have a different Me buried somewhere honestly. I've always been able to adapt extremely well to different types of people/social circles, and have often felt like a fraud/pushover/not genuine because of it. But at the same time I feel like most all of these facets are true to myself. I like to think of myself as an "eclectic being". There are some aspects where I have changed a lot over the past four-ish years but until recently I thought that was just age/self discovery related (I am 41). Like a midlife crisis but in a good way! (think more feminist, less taking crap, more self care, less focused on appearance etc). I guess maybe some of it is due to ASD, and things have just come to a head for me after decades of struggling with life. Ah, this is all so interesting. Sorry I'm babbling haha. I would like to ask your thoughts on uncovering/inventing a new You while in a longterm relationship. I'm married and feel like it's asking a lot of my husband to "out of the blue" adapt to a very changed person than who he has known/married over ten years. Like, I'm willing to lose friends but not my marriage, you know? It's not black and white that way. Again, sorry for rambling. I will make sure to bring this up to my therapist :) Have a sunny day and thanks for getting my brain going!
Congratulations on your evaluation (that rhymes)! Not going to lie, my diagnosis came in the middle of a relationship and it ended up very much dying a hard death but! That doesn't mean you are doomed because you are... well, not 18. I think there's some semblance of growing together that you're going to do and it might be tricky and awkward at first, but in general you'll probably be doing the same things, just understanding the reasoning behind them if that makes any sense? So I think it's a little awkward at first when you're trying to grasp concepts yourself, but once you do understand them you can explain to your husband "here's what I've learned my needs are and here's how you can help". Part of it from his side is kind of scary because he likely wants to aid in your growing to be more you but doesn't know how, so make expectations clear for him too and grow together! (says the 19 year old who has never been married... shh it's fine)
@@disabled.autistic.lesbian Thanks so much for responding! I am hopeful that it'll all work itself out, and if issues remain he can always join in on some counseling maybe, to help us communicate more effectively or find a new normal for us.
You are so mature, I can't believe you're only 19! I had barely stopped playing Barbies at your age haha (ok that was at 15..)
@@xoxoLeony In my experience, things always work out the way they're supposed to (even if it feels anything but in the moment) I wish you luck my friend!! :)