I’m asexual and watching this, I never realized how the other partner could feel sadness by not having sex. That completely blows my mind. I feel so bad for her and I can’t even relate to her.
Sex is one of the most basic things sexual men and women look for in a relationship; for sexual persons, sex and love go hand in hand. I'll do my best to explain the sexual woman's side... 1) She takes a piece of clothing off (a sexy thing to do) and then she straddles her boyfriend (a very sexy move --- this is often enough to make the man's erection going strong). By doing this, she is clearly "offering" herself to him. At one point in the relationship, the woman feels ready for sex and she will offer herself to her man. This is where he starts kissing, caressing her and taking her clothes off and this is where she starts saying "YES!" "Please" "Continue". 2) He "rejects" her offer, by shoving her away from him, telling her that it's getting late and then leaving. It gives her the message that she is not sexually wanted. It hurts! Feeling sexually wanted is one of the basic things that the she expects from her relationship. She may even think that since he doesn't want her sexually, he doesn't really care for her. Sex cuts really, really deep in the soul of a sexual person. 3) She is left alone in her room and it breaks her heart that her boyfriend just rejected her offer for sex. Women don't offer sex lightly. They do so only when they feel they are with the right guy. At that point, the woman REALLY wants to feel her man's touch on her. The simple act of picturing herself having sex with him is VERY arousing to her. I have been in a relationship with an Ace woman for the last 15 years. Sometimes it's great. Most of the time, it sucks. What I miss the most is precisely feeling sexually wanted. The video was extremely hard for me to watch because I would LOVE to be in a relationship with a girl like Tin!
@@dominickloka9758 OHHHHH, Thank you so much for explaining this, really!! I am asexual and have always wanted to understand how allos feel when they are in a relationship with an asexual person, with your explanation I can understand it better now!!
@@dominickloka9758 could we dm or something? im at the start of an ace relationship (she is ace, im very much not) and you just described everything perfectly. How do you all make it work? im terrified this will end our relationship in the long run.
@@vixlet_crystal6776 that's not right either. The hard part of dating an ace woman for me has been the knowledge that there is love present, marred by the fact that I will never be able to really communicate those feelings in the most raw and vulnerable way I know how. As Dominick said, the part I'm starting to precieve the most is the feeling of simply not being desired. I feel as though I have no sex appeal at all. That I, as a man, have no ability to create a want for myself in my partner. It's hard to deal with because it's nobodies fault. As the title of this short film (wonderfully shot and written, by the way) says, "it's not you, it's not me."
@@juliam.7584 Same but I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. Romantic relationships are great but I could live the rest of my life without one and be content. I came close to several relationships before and I felt like I was being deprived of my happiness and freedom. Suddenly I felt like I had to care for someone else's wants and needs more than my own...
Same for me. He wasn't even my boyfriend but he was a FWB but OMG after I texted him everything that I was asexual and I agreed to sex one last time and months after he texted me thanking me he liked what I did for him, yeah no shit peace go find someone else.
This is such a real fear I have. As an adult that has never been a relationship, it worries me so much that the first guy I date is going to want and expect something I’m not sure I can give.
"Sex is a waste of time" - thank you. This is how I am describing it to someone who asks me. It really describes it when you just cant understand why everyone loves it so much!
I empathized exactly the situation, it has happened to me, it is frustrating, Feeling love but not feeling the need to do "something else", hurts your partner and hurts yourself. I could feel the boy's pain, that he "forces himself" not to lose the person he loves and I understand the girl, he feels that he does not love her, because sex is very important for most people. they see it as a pillar of a relationship. Being ace is painful, not only for us and I understand that very well.
Is there any movie or short movie where someone is asexual and aromantic, has no desire for relationship, even non-sexual, but is still functioning normally and has friends and normal life? I want to be represented!
@@goranmilic442 I don't know any movie or short film but there's a book 'Loveless' the main character is asexual and aromantic. I really recommend it, it's amazing.
When I was a teenager I had some issueas like him and was more confusing cause I can be classified as an aegosexual, so in order to have sex with my boyfriend I had to disconnect myself of the intercurse, but as I don't feel anything in the 3d intercourse I had to pretend I did, at that time I thought something was wrong with me and now I can understad my orientation, the hard part is to fine someone taht be capable to be your romantic partner without expecting to be your sexual partner.
Wow this was really well acted and hit home for so many people. Also, thank you for choosing to portray an asexual man. I think a lot of us grew up being repeatedly told that all men want sex all the time and that it’s all they think about, and it does so much harm. Asexual men end up feeling like they’re not man enough and inadequate. The women feel like they must be unattractive or awful because their boyfriends or husbands don’t want to sleep with them. There aren’t a lot of resources out there for that situation because so many people still assume that it’s WOMEN that are the ones that don’t want sex. It’s painful for everyone involved. You feel so alone because it’s hard to talk to your friends about such an intimate topic.
Thank you so much for this film. It all felt so real. My S.O. always told me she was "asexual" but I thought that it meant that she wasn't so "sexual." Of course, we became intimate and well, she is also my best friend. Emotionally, my love. But then something happened, and we started talking honestly. It hit me like a truck. It hurt me so much. When she told me she wanted sex soo much less than we actually had. And it turns out most of the time she was just doing just to placate me. I felt so hurt and betrayed. God, I felt like a freaking r*pist!!! I felt so wrong, so selfish for wanting more from her than what she could give. Especially since she is so kind and thoughtful, and supportive. I felt like such an animal for being hung up on something as shalllow as sex.... people can really be so different. Thank you for this film, it really help me understand how it must feel for both partners in a mixed relationship. Thank you Jaymeee Mak, really was cathartic for me.
I totally understand that feeling of shock and guilt when you learn how they really felt afterwards. It took me time to understand that because we were both learning about what role sex played in our relationship, it wasn’t either of our faults (thus the title, It’s Not You, It’s Not Me). I’m glad to hear that the film was cathartic, and that you’ve been able to have an open and honest dialog with your best friend. That warms my heart. 💜
I have never been in a relationship but I've had sex and I never had sex because I wanted to but I enjoyed the guys company and we were partying but no, it was never arousing. I remember having a great ex friend say to me he didn't understand why I wasn't sexually attracted to him which I couldn't answer but I felt bad and I hope this don't make me sound lacking of empathy but I couldn't relate to him and I'd get annoyed at him. It's not talked about but I have lots of times gave enthusiastic consent but the sex was never arousing.
@@sammyhiggs4202 I don't care if it's arousing to the woman or not. Just give me some physical intimacy if I'm taking care of you and your entire family and you prohibit me from getting my needs met elsewhere. I don't even need sex. handjobs are sufficient.
that must be really hard, I thought about it watching this short movie as well how overwhelming and subtly hurtful it is to have sex because your partner is trying to make up for you being sad (I wouldn't be into that in general but maybe I would feel like we need to try to find out because he's trying to understand) and just the idea of having sex with someone who isn't at all into it and would rather not is so just... no, so messy. But I think your last sentence kind of sums up a miscommunication that happens in this entire conversation, when you say sex is shallow and you feel guilty for caring or like an animal (unless that was only about the feeling you said before). Sex is not shallow, it's the toxic parts of our culture getting in the way of the conversation, the whole discourse of sex being bad or dirty or nature and animals being other and inferior, with humans as like disembodied souls, a mix of religion used to control masses to make people obey and blame themselves for bad things that happen and are done to them and endure pain or feeling separate from nature to justify cruelty, like to one another and animals and nature, and also the social control of mysoginy and sexism where women's sexuality is being controlled, all of that leads to this cultural idea that sex is shallow and embarrassing and it doesn't matter and that it's bad. Like this fake opposition created between liking someone's personality and sex because of a society that was based on dehumanising relationships where they couldn't divorce and the man ruled and he was supposed to have no emotions and want sex in an objectifying way and the woman was supposed to not want it because wanting means not being controlled, and them not even being equals or friends. This entire idea that sex is something that you take or that you're loosing something. Those are toxic cultural things that get in the way of this conversation on both sides. The truth is sex is not shallow, it's like eating or being outside or moving or having emotions or cuddles, it's one of the basic ways our body experiences happiness and wellbeing through our senses, one of the basic wants human have like connection and freedom. You thinking it's shallow doesn't help you and asexual people being told this are getting mixed messages and wrong information about what's going on, thinking it's just a silly thing or a bad thing but it's not, we need to move past that and in general to move past saying we aren't part of the rest of nature and use that to hurt ourselves and other living beings
I'm asexual and watching this made me tear up and cry because I fear I will never be able to keep a relationship. I can picture myself in the situation of the man and it hurts
My boyfriend and I just broke up. This is almost exactly the same thing we went through. The same conversations. Thank you for making this. I’m sure a lot of people feel seen and heard. ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that, Rachel. 💜 It’s been an honour to provide catharsis for folks going through the same thing - making the film helped me process my relationship from both perspectives.
Oof. That “I was hoping it would be different with you” hits hard. I’m not asexual but strongly considering that I’m on the spectrum somewhere. Graysexual might be a good term for it. I feel like that is exactly what I feel every time I try to be with someone new - the hoping that this person will be different, that I’ll feel something for this person, and then the disappointment and shame when I don’t. Even when they are everything else I want. It’s hard.
Thank you for having an Asian man representing us aces. We aren't all teen girls like it appears if you watch a lot of ace content. There is room for many voices to show the world what we are.
This is great! I'm so so glad to see Ace content being made. I'm currently in the works of my own, so this is inspiring to know that the voice is slowly being heard!
@@recluse9978 Yea but try and put yourself in this situation where sex is literally never physically pleasurable for you and if you're a woman have a fear of pregnancy. For people like me who are sex averse and get nothing out of it, sex causes a lot of damage that I don't think non asexuals realize because it never comes to their mind because they don't have this aversion to sex . For non asexuals you can always find others so easy because most want and need sex but for someone like me sex can cause a lot of stress, boredom and frustration. Trying to fix myself in my 20s by having sex really did more harm then good. I wasn't forced but I was violating myself if that makes sense. The guys were not violating me because they didn't know what was truly going on inside my internal self. I never had to try and fix myself to begin with because asexuality is natural. Its rare but still natural.
That must be really hard. of course if more asexual people meet you might meet more people who want the same thing. It just feels like our society isn't really set up for asexual people to have romantic relationships easily most of the time, it can even be hard for gay people, like legally with kids, lately I've been reading almost without even trying a bunch of books where the society is naturally polyamorous, like either they have no concept of monogamy or the default is larger relationship groups/families kind of as they happen and everything is set up for that, like nothing like polyamory is I guess in the real world, more like everyone can be any combination of romantic or friends or sexual partners and things are made so children can have this larger family as a social norm and in many ways it feels like that would be more natural. In our society though there's this one rule and it doesn't really fit much else and it's like that legally and it's the norm so it's hard to do anything else
I’m currently dating an ace and, 8 months in, it is really starting to get complicated. I came across this video while googling “how to date an asexual” for the nth time. The person I’m dating doesn’t label himself as asexual but I think he’s just unaware of what it means, and probably associates it with something negative. It is obviously not negative, and I wish he would come to terms with it but it should be his decision so I am not trying to force him one way or the other. This video is basically a playbook of our relationship at this exact moment. We realize we have different needs, and the relationship is definitely becoming more and more of a struggle. I know the answer to stay together is probably compromise but I’m not sure that is something either of us is willing to do at this point. I’m really starting to wonder if the best thing for both of us would be to end it, and find more compatible people to be with. Sorry for the long comment but the video and the article just really resonated with me
Hey Julio! If you haven't yet, I highly recommend checking out AVEN's resources and forums: www.asexuality.org/ They have a section "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" that you may find helpful in your journey with your partner. In our follow-up video interviewing ace advocate Justine: ruclips.net/video/4TtwIbQzt4g/видео.html she mentions that it can be more difficult to navigate relationships where the ace is still discovering who they are, but that it is possible to go through it together. I hope you and your partner are able to figure out what's best for you both in the healthiest way possible
I get the impression Chris is somewhere at the start of understanding his sexuality, hence why he couldn’t fully explain to Tina what’s up, but also why he felt he needed to “solve the problem” by giving her what ultimately neither really wants… lots of layers here to chew on. Well done.
This hit home. I'm an asexual woman and I relate to the man. Can't tell how many times I've done it just to get it over with and then curled up into a ball and cried afterwards for forcing myself. That is no longer my situation, as I've talked about it with my husband and we decided to find an alternative solution, but it's not a solution for everyone.
Hi! If I could ask… Could you tell me what kind of solution have you come up with with your husband? I have kinda similar problem with my partner and I’m looking for the ways how to solve it. I would be really grateful
I have been with my partner for nearly four years now. Early on, the sex started to die down. It got to the point where the longest point we'd gone without being intimate was half a year. We stayed together through things because we loved each other. I'd always question what was wrong with me, if they just thought of me as a friend, or if they were cheating on me. It was so confusing and hard for me to understand at the time. I felt untouchable and like there must have been something fundamentally wrong with me. I tried changing my hair, my makeup, my clothes, anything I could to become more interesting and appealing. Naturally nothing really ever worked. It became something to be ignored. We just wouldn't talk about it because when we did there was like there was this fundamental barrier to us understanding each other. There was always the promise that our sex life would probably improve in the future and that I would continue to be patient and continue to try to understand that things just weren't right for sex at the moment. It was only recently that we had a conversation after I'd done a lot of thinking. I asked if they could possibly be asexual. They said that that might probably be true. On one hand a it strangely felt like a weight was kind of lifted because this would make so much sense and it also made me feel less like something must be wrong with me. On the other, this is scary in a way. I cried immediately when your character started to. It felt like "Oh my god, this is me." and seeing how Lee Shorten's character felt made me understand what my partner might have felt. I've never seen media like this in my life. I wonder if it is possible for us to be happy or if we will just hurt each other forever. Thank you for making this.
This hit me very hard. The love of my life turned out to be asexual so our relationship couldn´t work on a romantic level and we broke up. We´re now extremely good friends because we love each other too much, just not in the way I would´ve liked}. Sometimes I wish things were different and I catch myself longing for something that will never happen but accepting these things is part of growing up.
That's actually very mature. I rather call it quits than to stay and suffer in silence. I know how it feels like to stay in a relationship that's already dead, it's soul-crushing.
I've recently discovered that I am asexual and this video depicts the struggles of my last relationship. We ultimately ended the relationship because unfortunately at the time I didn't identify as asexual and she couldn't understand why I didn't want sex most of the time. I couldn't really explain it but after the relationship ended I started researching more and figured out that I'm asexual. This video is so relatable and I can empathise with these two and the struggle of wanting to be the best partner you can be, but not feel the pressure of sex even though it's not her fault.
Thank you for this! I recently came out as ace, and I'm very glad that this has been made. There needs to be more ace representation in mainstream media. Other members of the LGBTQ+ community have their (somewhat limited) content, but as far as I know there are almost no films, short or otherwise, that feature aspec characters. Which is pretty sad. Thanks again for this work!
Wasn't expecting to cry over a past relationship at 3 am but here I am She was my high school sweetheart it wasn't until later on we discovered her asexuality. Tried to work through it but we ended it mutually and stayed friends Same conversations and everything, wonderful film
I’m really happy that you could relate to it! The actor who plays Chris mentioned that one of the things that drew him to the script was that as an allosexual, he could relate to differences in sexual needs becoming an issue in relationships, especially long-term ones, which hadn’t occurred to me when I was writing it :P
Jaymee Mak wooow he hit the nail right on the head! I feel like it just goes to show that -even with the constant alienation from most of the world- asexual and allosexual people can understand each other and all it needs are points of connection and asexual representation. I’m excited for the “explained” video!
Same here, I’ve experienced this and I’m just finding out about this in myself right now. Breaks my heart to watch this because it hits home so closely.
This is the relationship that I am in now. We love each other to the far ends of the universe and back but what he said in the video and I quote "Sex is a waste of time" is truly how she feels. I am pretty sure from that you can tell that I relate to the girlfriend. But I as I read the comments and see that some people say that they hated to feel the guilt that he felt and ended up doing what made the partner happy just to keep the relationship that they are in a float...KILLS ME!!! I love her with all my ❤ and couldn't see my world without her. But I don't want to put pain or any strain on her just to have sex with me. This video has opened up my eyes a lot more than I thought they were. Thank you for this master piece as a person who is not asexual but with someone who is asex/demisexual. It makes more things alitte easier.
This is an interesting short film and definitely portrays a situation familiar to a lot of asexual people. Definitely a good conversation starter! I guess it's just unfortunate it can't be a feature length film because the topic really is that complicated. As an asexual person who shuts down when introduced to any form of physical intimacy and as a result has never been in a relationship and never plans to be, it is kind of sad to think that even if I were to try my very best to fulfill the standard role, the scenario in this film would be the best I could hope for... and that's a pretty bleak best. My hope is that in the future, partnership that does not have a basis in romantic/sexual interest will be seen as a completely normal option. At the moment there really is no platform for such arrangements and anyone I open up to about it just sort of laughs in my face. It's definitely difficult to come to terms with knowing the feelings you can have for another person won't have any value. But hey, at least celibacy comes naturally to me. There's always community! ^_^
Hey Milk-Past-Due-Date! 🤓 We could definitely use more well-fleshed out platonic relationships that are akin to long-term committed partnerships, like platonic co-parents, or aromantic life partners. It’d also be awesome to see more exploration of the non-physical love languages (part of what makes Korean dramas awesome haha) 🥰
Thanks for making this. I just felt like this was my whole relationship over and over. I could not have explained it better, and thanks for giving a shot out to the ACE community. (Sorry for the Bad English, greetings from México ✌️)
Hola Carlos! Buena suerte, que eres consciente de quien eres. Al menos asi se puede no sentir culpabilidad en una relacion :) Saludos desde Polonia 😇(perdoname por mi espanol, soy extranjera) :p
Thank you for adding to the resources of support for people in mixed relationships. My wife and I love each other so much and are so good to each other, but she didn't know she was asexual until well after we were married. Your work captured the silence, the weight of what I felt when she first was willing to acknowledge to me that she didn't want me sexually the way I want her. It was so hard. It still is. Now the hardest thing is to know what the best way to meet each other's needs is without pressuring each other- but seeing other people's stories, like yours is a comfort. So thank you.
For me (as a ace), there's just this constant fear and sadness of like keeping from/ not being able to give your partner something so important from your allo partner. Watching him try so hard kinda just broke my heart
Well done to Jaymee for making a short but amazingly accurate film. To all the young people out there who are Not Ace & are dating a person who is Ace. Please get out of the relationship it’s not fair on you. I have been with my amazing husband 30 years. Stated dating at 18 we were completely utterly in loved each other had heaps of sex. Broke up a few times & each had other sexual partners. Got ack together and got married. (Note: we never lived together before marriage). Honeymoon no sex, I thought that was odd. Come back home no sex though I tried, he was always to tired, stressed, stayed up super late. Started arguing about no sex. Would have sex then nothing for months. (You can imagine my self worth wasn’t doing to good). Told me he loved my constantly, loved cuddling, holding hands. (Everything but sex or any intimacy). What do you do when you are married to a man you worship, you adore is the sweetest human & truly is your best friend). You stay but years down the track I still love him immensely but! I resent him so much. I honestly believe non asexual & sexual can live together but it’s not a loving relationship it’s a friendship.
This is exactly what I’ve struggled with, verbalizing what I’ve felt. In our sex-crazed society, at least to me, this was the *last* thing I ever suspected of myself. Relationship, after relationship where I always felt like I was responsible for the breakup because for reasons I couldn’t explain (though I had a million excuses), I just wasn’t attracted to the person I was dating. And it’s taken me a long, long time to realize this reality *just is* and it’s okay. Thank you for this life giving film Jaymee Mak and for your thoughts Tori!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Jim! It’s been an honour to be able connect with aces through this film. It’s so freeing to be able to accept ourselves for who we are, and give ourselves permission to thrive as we are 💜
I apperciate this Jaymee. Despite being a complete stranger, I like how you portrayed a very real pain, that I can relate towards. I long for a healthy connections and relationships, yet always fear the moment that draw us to sex. My inability to provide satisfaction to my friends; it hurts and its an indescribable pain to articulate. The awkwardness, the forced interaction, the joyless feeling it really hurts. I apperciate the small time it took me to watch this. I understand the feelings of the man. I felt sorry for both. It's hard to really discuss that feeling of not wanting that intimacy when it's a powerful draw to many people. It's weird not getting it. It's weird not enjoying a pleasure that should be natural. I apperciate you portraying that. It hurts to see, but also kinda true how devastating it is in communicating to people. And what happens when you forced it. It's just ugly and unfullfilling.
Thank you for watching, Lancelot, and for sharing your feelings too. We all deserve meaningful connections in our lives, and although it can be painful to talk about these things with the people closest to us, I hope it leads to understanding and stronger bonds.
@@JaymeeMakFilm It's lead to some true friendships, I am definitely closer to some of friends by telling them. It's just a very specific pain that this short tapped into, and it was both nostalgic and melancholic. Thanks Jaymee. Best wishes to you.
It took me into my forties to find that there was a term for people who aren't interested in sex or sexually driven, prior to that, I just thought I was broken, luckily for me, I'm not seen as attractive to women so I never had relationships, I wasn't bothered about relationships, I still find women attractive, but I look but don't touch, I didn't approach as my looks offend, I have lived my life that way, I have female friends and I'm quite close to them, I don't ever think about relationships as they aren't something that's ever going to happen in my life, I'm grateful, because I would hate to think that I made someone feel rejected because of my lack of sex drive and my inability to do anything about it, I'm older now, fast approaching 60, nothing functions down below, so I'm told, that happens when you don't use it, to me, it's a blessing as I wouldn't know what to do if it worked and, for me, as a person, I am sex repulsed, I don't find sex repulsive in general, after all, that's how the next generations come into existence, I find it repulsive for me as a person
I’m an allosexual in a committed relationship with a grey ace and we’re having this kind of struggle and it’s so disheartening to look online for community and all I find are people telling us to break up. This video is wonderful and I’m wondering if any of you folks here know where I can find some community? Like a subreddit or something?
Hey KarmaBus, definitely check out www.asexuality.org They have a forum, including a section for allies and loved ones. I’m not on Reddit, but I’m also part of two great Facebook groups, just search “Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)” and “Asexuality”. Folks are pretty active about asking for and sharing advice. Definitely plenty of successful mixed relationships out there :)
This really hit home. This is exactly how my two year relationship was, which eventually ended because I wasn't as excited about sex as he was. I struggle with finding the balance between wanting companionship and being true to myself about not really caring for sex. I will do it, but I won't be the one jumping up and down for it. I am quite ambivalent about it. It is a struggle because I am still very much a homoromantic individual. Most asexual videos skirt the issue and I like them because they bring awareness to our plight and struggles. That said, this one really targets me, I almost feel attacked lol.
Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I thought I was alone, and I didn’t see a way out. I still don’t know what to do. I don’t know what needs to be done, but at least I know I’m not the only woman going through this
Hey Kiarylane! If you haven't yet, I recommend checking out AVEN's forum - they're the largest online asexual community + they have a huge archive of resources on asexuality. If you're an allosexual person dating an ace, they also have sections for allies and partners, and they also have FB groups etc. that provide a lot of support and answers to questions :) www.asexuality.org/
@@JaymeeMakFilm thanks for making such wonderful short film... I can relate Tina with me... I checked the ace forum but could not able to find the page for asexual partner.... Can you please help? I am emotionally broken since 8 years...
@@meghamaheshwari9462 Hi Megha! The subcategory for sexual partners, allies and friends can be found here: www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/
I only recently found out I'm acesexual. And when I found out. I panicked. I do want love and to marry and raise a family. But my biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with someone and they'll want "more". I'd feel guilty for not being able to something I can't do. And they'll feel like their pushing me too hard.
I'm an asexual man and I've had these situations before with girls and guys. I don't date heterosexuals or gays anymore because of these situations. You always feel they want more from you than what you're giving and you feel sad that you can't give them sex. This doesn't mean that you don't love them but they never see it that way. For them is not giving sex equal to not loving someone. I've had one night with another asexual and that was the best night of my life.
Love them as a friend, you mean? I think sex is essential if you are in a romantic relationship. How can you love somebody romantically and don't feel desire? If you are looking for friendship it's the other way round - you stay close and help each other and enjoy your company without this "sex part". I don't blame your partners for not wanting to believe you when you said you still love them. I think you should try to understand them. I think sex is about showing how deeply you love the person, how deeply you want the person, how you find him or her attractive. And it is about mutual trust and mutual craving. What's the point of a relationship if you have to force yourself and pretend? The other person deserves to be desired and definetely doesn't want to feel that the asexual partner is somehow sacrificing for their sake. I think it can be devastating for the self-esteem of the sexual partner. You know- understanding that every time you make love to the person you love, your partner just doesn't care, doesn't want you. I would find it extremely humiliating. And this begging for sex... Gosh! BTW I think that asexual partner is hurting himself/herself in these kind of situations, too. What makes me curious is: why do asexual people seek the romantic relationships in the first place if they don't feel the need to be in one, really... I just don't understand...
@@marta9127 Romantic love and sexual attraction don’t go hand in hand (although they typically are integrated into romantic relationships). The part of our brain who processes love (attachment, affection, care, etc…) is separated from the part which processes sexual desire. I don’t know if you knew, but humans aren’t made to be in monogamous relationships… this thinking that “I want to have sex with only one person, the love of my life” is something we have socially established, not found in our biology. Therefore, it’s understandable an asexual person would like to be in a romantic relationship without the sex involved. In my opinion, it all comes down to how you view sex. I understand people like you, who think it’s a very deep act of love. Media also didn’t stop portraying the 2 things together… but in reality things are way more complicated. Not that viewing sex as the ultimate act of love is something bad, but neither is viewing it as something unimportant in a romantic relationship. My view is that true intimacy and love aren’t tied at all to sex. The moment I support my partner during a very difficult situation (or they support me), or when I talk about how I deeply and sincerely feel about them or myself, that’s much more intimacy and closure sex can ever bring me. I understand some may see it otherwise or completely disagree with me, but ultimately I wanted to prove that well… people are different with different needs and that it isn’t strange to think that love ≠ sex
@@anxdry_ ok, I understand that. But it should go into the relationship of two likeminded people. If one is asexual and the other's not then all heads into more and more frustration and pain, I guess...
He’s not selfish, she’s not selfish They’re just trying to figure some things out so that both people can be comfortable. I know he loves her a lot, and she does too
Watching the end part of this video, I am in tears. Because I can relate to him so much. And on the other hand, I know the perspective of the woman is how my partners have felt in the past. And I feel so bad that I end up resenting them and being cold and distant after sex, because that is how it tends to make me feel, even if I enjoyed the act, I can still end up feeling this way afterward. Many times, I feel like my needs are unheard, and I am just going through with this to please them, thus, putting their needs before mine, as if their desires should be more important than my lack of desire. And I know that isn't necessarily the case. But his expression during sex; how I just have to numb myself to go through it sometimes, even when I want to enjoy it, it just really hit home for me.
It felt obvious this was from the allo perspective. Unless they have a dismissive personality, the ace would know the expectation for sex in relationships and how it would make the allo feel to be pushed away and given an excuse like 'sex is a waste of time.' I would love to see another film that shows how the asexual person feels beyond their discomfort about feeling like they need to have sex to make their partner happy (that part shows through well in this film). When the conflict arose, I didn't perceive the ace character as having much fear about losing the person they love - or having fear about never getting to enjoy a healthy and happy relationship without the sex issue becoming a deal breaker every time. Given the age of these characters, either this kind of dynamic has probably played out before for the ace character, or the ace person may never have felt in love like this before and is especially pained by the possibility of losing the relationship, but instead the ace character behaves pretty callously, especially at first. I have no doubt there are people whose coping mechanism would be to behave this way - try to downplay and dismiss their partner's feelings - but given how little ace representation is out there I wish we could see a more balanced, mutually loving depiction here that isn't so obviously from the allo perspective.
Just seeing this now, but man this is a pretty good portrayal, and love the title. Definitely hits close to home about what life with an asexual can be.
The love of my life just told me he thinks he's asexual. We had sex sometimes, even enough to make me feel everything was okay but I feel kind of oblivious because he never really wanted me to touch him or have intercourse. Maybe I just didn't want to think about it too much because I love him so much and everything else was working so well. Now I watch this and I couldn't stop crying. I relate to the allo sexual girl and that feeling of having these wants just so incompatable with my partner. The feeling of touching your partner and wanting them to reciprocate so badly but they just can't in that moment and it hurts so much. When he came out to me I realized how much pain that caused him as well. I hope now that we can name what he is going through we can communicate better and make it work somehow. I wish there was more representation of these kind of relationships and more ability to explore the complexity. I didn't understand before my research how how different asexuality looks for different people, I didn't realize it could ever work in a partnership. I hope it can, as of now I'm not willing to leave my relationship even though there the sex part brings challenges. I;m trying to think that every relationship has challenges and needs work and if both partners are willing to try it my be possible to come out of it stronger.
It definitely can work, and it does take patience and understanding to work through the challenges together. I wish you and your partner the best of luck in your journey together
I want to speak to all my fellow ace-spec folks who come across this. I'm a 41 year old aegosexual who spent most of their life in the dark about why they never had an interest in having sex. As a teen or young adult, it was never something on my bucket list. My first time was when i was 25 with my now-fiance. Up until then, i never cared about being "late to the game" regarding sex. Btw, that's bullshit and don't let anyone tell you when you "need" to have sex or that there's some kind of invisible age range that indicates if you're a loser for not having sex before that time is up. Anyway, sex wasn't something i wanted to do, even with the person I loved. But i gave in often because i felt intense guilt. I always assumed, like the guy in this video, that i just had a low libido from my C-PTSD and severe depression, topped off by crippling self-hate. We weren't having sex nearly as often as he'd have liked. I asked my therapists for advice, but nothing worked. I absolutely hated the "set a date for sex" advice. I know it's great advice for the average couple, but for me, it was very triggering. And trust me when I say that every single therapist at that time gave that same advice, it's a fact. For years, I labeled myself as demisexual once the word was invented, because in my mind, i figured that since I'd already had sex with my fiance, that must mean I'm not completely ace. Back then, there wasn't much info about the ace spectrum. i was struggling and so was my fiance. I never understood why he stuck by me. He was so frustrated with the lack of intercourse. He'd often complain that we'd do it so rarely, it became once every few months or sometimes only twice a year. He was so worried that i wasn't attracted to him. I knew i was in love with him, but the physical part wasn't there. In May of this year(2023), i finally got my answer. I'd gotten a new therapist that was LGBTQIA friendly. We went over my sexual history and my feelings around sex in general. After all that, she simply asked, "Have you ever considered that you might just be ace?" It was like hearing something i knew i needed to hear, but was scared to. Instead of feeling relieved, i felt even more intense guilt. Had i been single, taking the news would've been WAY easier. But I'm in an 18+ year committed relationship. Thankfully, my fiance had discussed our sexual history with his own therapist months prior. She'd asked him if he'd be okay being in a sexless relationship with me if it came to that. He said yes with little hesitation. So with that in mind, it wasn't hard telling him that I'm ace. He fully accepts that part of me and can be at peace with how our sex life will be going forward. Trust me, though, the guilt hasn't really gone away. I've told him hundreds of times that i would totally understand if he wanted to break up. We've had quite a few long conversations about how he feels and how i feel. It helps, but i don't know when this guilt will lift. To all you cismen who are having a hard time with your ace partner (this advice can be used by anyone, though): you have to ask yourself how important sex is to you. Your ace partner may never want sex. You have to decide if that's a deal breaker. Don't feel bad if it is. You don't have to sacrifice something important to you. Find a more compatible partner. It's okay. It wouldn't be fair to you or your ace partner if you stayed with them and continued to feel unfulfilled. Ace people: be completely upfront about your sexuality with the people you wanna date. Let them know where on the spectrum you are. That'll give them a good idea as to where they may stand with you when it comes to sex. But, hey, you guys have the internet. It's much easier to find partners that are also ace-spec. The most important thing is to be honest and respect your own boundaries.
I am very afraid of going through something like this. Like, I don't have an opinion about sex yet, but I don't want to hurt who I like too. Now seriously, I can't believe she really put that much ice cream aside.
Hey Fernanda! If it makes you feel any better, the icecream was actually instant mashed potato! We were shooting on a 30 degree day and needed something that wouldn’t melt instantly and keep its shape in between takes 😅
I still felt this and im demisexual. I seriously cant feel any satisfaction what so ever if i dont feel ready. I can fear the action, but no pleasure until i love.
This hit home. I have spent 20 years in a marriage and I LOVE my husband to death, but even after everything we have been through and children, I am realizing I am greysexual and it plays hell with your relationships. Most of the time I have relations but I don't do it for myself. I do it because I want my partner to be happy but I feel....not authentic to myself and that I am lying to him. I would rather have an amazing discussion or a bonding activity, and when I do try to explain bits me not him, it turns into a meltdown. Sometimes big, sometimes small.
My boyfriend and I argue about this a lot. We’ve been together 3 years and it is still an issue. It’s a sad thing for me because we’re good in every other aspect of our relationship. I feel like I try so hard in every other aspect of my relationship to make up for my sexual shortcomings, but at the end of the day I feel like it’s never enough. I feel like I put so much energy into other things to show my love. But at the end of the day I’m just not enough and inadequate. I just don’t think I’m enough to make him truly happy sometimes.
Hey Deanna! Mixed relationships require strong communication to reach a compromise that both partners feel happy about. Your willingness to want to work on your relationship, makes you a good partner. If your partner isn't willing to accept your asexuality as part of who you are, and work as hard as you are on your relationship, then that's not your responsibility. If you haven't checked it out yet, I highly recommend visiting www.asexuality.org/ , or joining their Facebook group. Chatting with aces and other folks in mixed relationships really helped me process the issues I was going through. Best of luck, Deanna!
@@JaymeeMakFilm Mixed relationships don't work. I'm an allo, my ex is an ace. For us, the lack, well more actually, absence of sex, wasn't the problem. Just being together was enough, holding hands, hugging, spending time together, just being close was wonderful. Even then they showed some reluctance, and I didn't press further if they didn't want to. But then came a constant aversion of contact, they didn't like to hug or hold hands anymore. Even expressed disgust at kissing, which was even rare beforehand, now replaced by an apathetic look devoid of any warmth yet continued to claim they still loved me. We tried communicating, but all ended up in arguments about "not respecting their boundaries" For anyone considering a mixed relationship, don't. Despite their sweet words, promises of caring and understanding, or just cuddles, comfort, or open communication, they really don't give a damn about you at all. They don't....
This short film is the story of my LIFE. Thought I was gay and it was men that were the problem, but I had the same issue with women. Reading the comments here and how people are relating to the woman baffles me. I can’t relate to her at all. Thanks for making this! Very eye opening for me.
Ouch. This is my life right here. And I'm a man basically in the girls situation. To lay next to someone and feel something so completely differently than they do when you look at them. To lay next to someone and feel like you are The loneliest person on earth... It sucks.
@@crystajewelz1069 easier said than done. I seem to be more willing to be sad and feel unwanted than I am willing to hurt her feeling. I've been with her for 23 years, we are all we've ever known, been through so much. She is perfectly happy and does not understand anything is wrong, does not understand why people hold hand and or kiss etc. To her, they do it in the same way she does, so other people know they are together. Not because of any actual desire. I can't hurt her, I tried to leave once 14 years ago. She cried for about 5 minutes, until I put everything down and said "okokok I'll stay just don't cry"
@@crystajewelz1069 I believe she is a sexual. She does not find anyone attractive, has no like... Celebrity crush, not now, not as a kid. Has absolutely no sex drive what so ever. She does seem to enjoy it once it .. gets going if you will lol. But that pretty much requires her making a date and time on a calendar 6 months from now, and I don't like that, I feel like a chore, but... Then again I'm pretty asking her to do a chore, ugh. It's a blessing and a curse. I always took great care of my body, was always extremely fit etc, and she never ever cared at all. And here I am today, having had my large intestine surgically removed completely, only 70 percent of my small intestine remains and is shoved through my stomach where it shits in a bag taped to my stomach and hangs down by my junk, 24 7. I'm hideous. I've lost all of my physical abilities and she does not find me any more or less attractive, because for her, it never was about that. I think most people would have left someone in my situation, in fact I know 2 other fells who killed themselves when they went through this and their girlfriend/wife left them.
I had a lump in my throat at the end. A year ago last week, a lot of pennies dropped and I came to realise I am demisexual. I can relate so much to his experiences. Thank you, this is a wonderful film
My last relationship I was in lasted 5 years and it was the best one I ever had. But as we grew older together I realised more and more that sex is just a chore to me, it’s a nuisance thats gets in the way and I don’t want anything to do with it. And I felt absolutely horrible as I couldn’t explain it to him at the time so when we broke up I felt like the worst human being on the planet because he didn’t deserve that. Now I just stay away from romantic relationships altogether because I don’t want to go through that again.
_I don't know why, but for some reason this video made me cry..._ I'm not asexual, so I don't necessarily resonate with the direct meaning of this video, but something in it touched on something for me as well...
Honestly the problem with being asexual is finding a good partner who is either also asexual (which isn’t as easy to find as you think unless you looked somewhere specifically) or totally ok with not having sex (which is even more rare). For me even tho I’m aromantic as well as asexual I can still understand how it feels to want a partner and love without the sex bit.
Me as an asexual who believes love is beyond sex You can still love the love of your life without sex for a long time And when both of you are ready like sexual maturity, marriage and raise a family then you it's good to show sexual desires to each other before doing it I just don't understand why do people confuse between love and lust Prefer lust after only a few moments of romance I understand that both of them have different sexuality which aren't compatible but just because both have different sexuality doesn't mean you have to do it and be sad or resentful about not getting or giving fulfillment of desire in relationship Both need to understand each other's feelings, perspective, boundaries and sexuality and with proper understanding communicate each other with loving care and affection . Love isn't something you fall for someone and do it stuff Love is growing connection between two hearts when both nuture strengthen and build trust on each other with honesty , commitment, priority and sincerity. First strengthen the inner connection of heartfelt doings that are beyond materialistic and sex . Once the love relationship is healthy and strong enough so much that both can't live without each other and wants to be with each other like grow old together Then prepare for marriage sex family etc And when a couple grows and strengthens heartfelt emotional and affectionate bondage for each other with efforts and you take the next level of relationship like sex Then that isn't anymore sex f*ck hook or casual sex anymore It's called make love to strengthen the bond more and make children I believe there are couples who loves each other without doing it and before you doing it strong emotional and heartfelt connection is must important which takes time to grow People please stop confusing between love and lust Both have their own time to build on And before lust , build the heartwarming love connection with efforts from both sides After a strong growing emotional connection bondage in months or years then do marriage , make love on wedding night, have kids ,family and live your happily ever after . Both are important But love is above lust Love is beyond lust .
It happened to me a several years ago. My gf want a kiss and I dont want. I told her it was not supposed to be like that. But yeah I kissed her in her forehead, she still upset and I dont know how to explained it. Meanwhile Idk about asexuality at that time. Finally we broke up.
This is my current situation as an ace person. I didn't discover until I was in my first relationship (my current marriage) and it is very difficult to handle most days. I often feel like he does, especially since I am married to a woman and AFAB myself so there are certain stereotypes and expectations that I am having to combat. It is very heartbreaking because I am usually just going through life, unphased and unhorny (lol), while she's feeling undesired and uncared for in that way...Still processing and trying to navigate this, thank you for shedding light on both sides of asexuality. I can go cry now dkjbsfkjhhjdhfjhjrh
So raw and powerful, so incredible. i wish I could add Dutch subtitles to this video so I could show it to all my local my local contacts. I'd happily do the translation.
Hi Christophe, if you’re able to message me on Instagram or Twitter @jaymeemak, I’ll share my email with you there so you can share Dutch translations - I’d love to add them!
Story of my life, the worst part being the "pity sex" he gives her when he realises he makes her sad... I'de rather not be touch by a man I seems to disgust than to have THAT
Being asexual doesn't mean you find the other person disgusting just that you have no sexual attraction to them. You still love amd find them beautiful just not sexually.
@@jadelmatthews Yeah seriously, they missed the point. He's probably low-libido and sex-averse. He didn't do it because he pities her. He loves her - he wants to see her happy and at the moment, it seems that sex is the way to do that. But of course, it doesn't lead to the expectation or result they want.
The sadness goes both ways. He wants to stay with her, but she wants to have sex. As an asexual myself, I understand the pain, unless he finds people like him, he won’t accept himself. Or look at himself. She is blooming, it doesn’t look like he is
Short and to the point! Very expressive and more importantly, realistic as it seems for some folk out there, as evident by the comments I've seen here. From a cinephile's perspective and being a retired video producer myself, I want to thank y'all for keeping the ....later bits RUclips friendly. Many years ago a miniscule movie director told me the key is to shoot intimate scenes like the opening credits to an old James Bond movie. Nothing is really shown but the audience knows what's going on. Here's hoping nobody's partner ever decides to guilt trip them into doing things. Manipulation is a red flag and no good could come of it. Fortunately in my case I'm an Ace who literally and metaphorically doesn't give a f*ck.
I love how the pride colors are here: the black background, her white dress, his grey shirt, the purple light
I noticed the same thing🥰
🖤🤍💜
I’m asexual and watching this, I never realized how the other partner could feel sadness by not having sex. That completely blows my mind. I feel so bad for her and I can’t even relate to her.
Sex is one of the most basic things sexual men and women look for in a relationship; for sexual persons, sex and love go hand in hand. I'll do my best to explain the sexual woman's side...
1) She takes a piece of clothing off (a sexy thing to do) and then she straddles her boyfriend (a very sexy move --- this is often enough to make the man's erection going strong). By doing this, she is clearly "offering" herself to him. At one point in the relationship, the woman feels ready for sex and she will offer herself to her man. This is where he starts kissing, caressing her and taking her clothes off and this is where she starts saying "YES!" "Please" "Continue".
2) He "rejects" her offer, by shoving her away from him, telling her that it's getting late and then leaving. It gives her the message that she is not sexually wanted. It hurts! Feeling sexually wanted is one of the basic things that the she expects from her relationship. She may even think that since he doesn't want her sexually, he doesn't really care for her. Sex cuts really, really deep in the soul of a sexual person.
3) She is left alone in her room and it breaks her heart that her boyfriend just rejected her offer for sex. Women don't offer sex lightly. They do so only when they feel they are with the right guy. At that point, the woman REALLY wants to feel her man's touch on her. The simple act of picturing herself having sex with him is VERY arousing to her.
I have been in a relationship with an Ace woman for the last 15 years. Sometimes it's great. Most of the time, it sucks. What I miss the most is precisely feeling sexually wanted. The video was extremely hard for me to watch because I would LOVE to be in a relationship with a girl like Tin!
@@dominickloka9758 OHHHHH, Thank you so much for explaining this, really!! I am asexual and have always wanted to understand how allos feel when they are in a relationship with an asexual person, with your explanation I can understand it better now!!
@@dominickloka9758 could we dm or something? im at the start of an ace relationship (she is ace, im very much not) and you just described everything perfectly. How do you all make it work? im terrified this will end our relationship in the long run.
Imagine you were in a relationship with someone who wasn't romantically attracted to you. That's about how it feels I think
@@vixlet_crystal6776 that's not right either. The hard part of dating an ace woman for me has been the knowledge that there is love present, marred by the fact that I will never be able to really communicate those feelings in the most raw and vulnerable way I know how. As Dominick said, the part I'm starting to precieve the most is the feeling of simply not being desired. I feel as though I have no sex appeal at all. That I, as a man, have no ability to create a want for myself in my partner. It's hard to deal with because it's nobodies fault. As the title of this short film (wonderfully shot and written, by the way) says, "it's not you, it's not me."
Getting stuck in a situation like this is one of top 3 biggest fears of my life. I'd rather be alone with my ice cream cake.
same for me. i deprive myself 0f a romantic relationship because i know i'd never be able to give my partner what he wants. better alone.
@@juliam.7584 Same but I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. Romantic relationships are great but I could live the rest of my life without one and be content. I came close to several relationships before and I felt like I was being deprived of my happiness and freedom. Suddenly I felt like I had to care for someone else's wants and needs more than my own...
Same for me. He wasn't even my boyfriend but he was a FWB but OMG after I texted him everything that I was asexual and I agreed to sex one last time and months after he texted me thanking me he liked what I did for him, yeah no shit peace go find someone else.
Aw yes me too! Haha ❤🥺
same!
This is such a real fear I have. As an adult that has never been a relationship, it worries me so much that the first guy I date is going to want and expect something I’m not sure I can give.
I have the same fear
hah, i wished my girlfriend would be atleast alittle fearful of not being enough for me
Just be honest, you have nothing to fear
Or you can find someone just like you❤️
same
"Sex is a waste of time" - thank you. This is how I am describing it to someone who asks me. It really describes it when you just cant understand why everyone loves it so much!
Seriously this World is hyper sexual
I'm kinda happy to see a man portrayed as Asexual, Im really tired of that stereotype that all men are obsessed with sex
Im Ace guy in relationship
I empathized exactly the situation, it has happened to me, it is frustrating, Feeling love but not feeling the need to do "something else", hurts your partner and hurts yourself.
I could feel the boy's pain, that he "forces himself" not to lose the person he loves and I understand the girl, he feels that he does not love her, because sex is very important for most people. they see it as a pillar of a relationship.
Being ace is painful, not only for us and I understand that very well.
Is there any movie or short movie where someone is asexual and aromantic, has no desire for relationship, even non-sexual, but is still functioning normally and has friends and normal life? I want to be represented!
@@goranmilic442 I don't know any movie or short film but there's a book 'Loveless' the main character is asexual and aromantic. I really recommend it, it's amazing.
@@aparna5375 Thanks.
When I was a teenager I had some issueas like him and was more confusing cause I can be classified as an aegosexual, so in order to have sex with my boyfriend I had to disconnect myself of the intercurse, but as I don't feel anything in the 3d intercourse I had to pretend I did, at that time I thought something was wrong with me and now I can understad my orientation, the hard part is to fine someone taht be capable to be your romantic partner without expecting to be your sexual partner.
Wow this was really well acted and hit home for so many people. Also, thank you for choosing to portray an asexual man. I think a lot of us grew up being repeatedly told that all men want sex all the time and that it’s all they think about, and it does so much harm. Asexual men end up feeling like they’re not man enough and inadequate. The women feel like they must be unattractive or awful because their boyfriends or husbands don’t want to sleep with them. There aren’t a lot of resources out there for that situation because so many people still assume that it’s WOMEN that are the ones that don’t want sex. It’s painful for everyone involved. You feel so alone because it’s hard to talk to your friends about such an intimate topic.
Is there any kind of community for asexual people in relationships?
I was thinking the same thing! I’m glad they portrayed an ace man
You could say they _aced it_
Seriously though I agree, this is a very good and important piece!
So true. I love this comment
I'm crying. All what I went through to finally identify my self as married asexual woman at 45.
Asexuality awareness is necessary. This needs millions of views.
So that the whole world would know about it.
Poor everyone in this story. I really felt for her even as I identified with him.
Thank you so much for this film. It all felt so real.
My S.O. always told me she was "asexual" but I thought that it meant that she wasn't so "sexual."
Of course, we became intimate and well, she is also my best friend. Emotionally, my love.
But then something happened, and we started talking honestly.
It hit me like a truck. It hurt me so much. When she told me she wanted sex soo much less than we actually had.
And it turns out most of the time she was just doing just to placate me. I felt so hurt and betrayed. God, I felt like a freaking r*pist!!!
I felt so wrong, so selfish for wanting more from her than what she could give. Especially since she is so kind and thoughtful, and supportive. I felt like such an animal for being hung up on something as shalllow as sex.... people can really be so different.
Thank you for this film, it really help me understand how it must feel for both partners in a mixed relationship.
Thank you Jaymeee Mak, really was cathartic for me.
I totally understand that feeling of shock and guilt when you learn how they really felt afterwards. It took me time to understand that because we were both learning about what role sex played in our relationship, it wasn’t either of our faults (thus the title, It’s Not You, It’s Not Me).
I’m glad to hear that the film was cathartic, and that you’ve been able to have an open and honest dialog with your best friend. That warms my heart. 💜
I have never been in a relationship but I've had sex and I never had sex because I wanted to but I enjoyed the guys company and we were partying but no, it was never arousing. I remember having a great ex friend say to me he didn't understand why I wasn't sexually attracted to him which I couldn't answer but I felt bad and I hope this don't make me sound lacking of empathy but I couldn't relate to him and I'd get annoyed at him.
It's not talked about but I have lots of times gave enthusiastic consent but the sex was never arousing.
@@sammyhiggs4202 I don't care if it's arousing to the woman or not. Just give me some physical intimacy if I'm taking care of you and your entire family and you prohibit me from getting my needs met elsewhere. I don't even need sex. handjobs are sufficient.
Thank you for opening up and sharing this
that must be really hard, I thought about it watching this short movie as well how overwhelming and subtly hurtful it is to have sex because your partner is trying to make up for you being sad (I wouldn't be into that in general but maybe I would feel like we need to try to find out because he's trying to understand) and just the idea of having sex with someone who isn't at all into it and would rather not is so just... no, so messy. But I think your last sentence kind of sums up a miscommunication that happens in this entire conversation, when you say sex is shallow and you feel guilty for caring or like an animal (unless that was only about the feeling you said before). Sex is not shallow, it's the toxic parts of our culture getting in the way of the conversation, the whole discourse of sex being bad or dirty or nature and animals being other and inferior, with humans as like disembodied souls, a mix of religion used to control masses to make people obey and blame themselves for bad things that happen and are done to them and endure pain or feeling separate from nature to justify cruelty, like to one another and animals and nature, and also the social control of mysoginy and sexism where women's sexuality is being controlled, all of that leads to this cultural idea that sex is shallow and embarrassing and it doesn't matter and that it's bad. Like this fake opposition created between liking someone's personality and sex because of a society that was based on dehumanising relationships where they couldn't divorce and the man ruled and he was supposed to have no emotions and want sex in an objectifying way and the woman was supposed to not want it because wanting means not being controlled, and them not even being equals or friends. This entire idea that sex is something that you take or that you're loosing something. Those are toxic cultural things that get in the way of this conversation on both sides. The truth is sex is not shallow, it's like eating or being outside or moving or having emotions or cuddles, it's one of the basic ways our body experiences happiness and wellbeing through our senses, one of the basic wants human have like connection and freedom. You thinking it's shallow doesn't help you and asexual people being told this are getting mixed messages and wrong information about what's going on, thinking it's just a silly thing or a bad thing but it's not, we need to move past that and in general to move past saying we aren't part of the rest of nature and use that to hurt ourselves and other living beings
Ngl this hits close in terms of the fears I have furthering relationships.
We’re publishing a follow-up video later tonight where we chat about practical advice for making mixed relationships work :)
Yeah...
I'm asexual and watching this made me tear up and cry because I fear I will never be able to keep a relationship. I can picture myself in the situation of the man and it hurts
My boyfriend and I just broke up. This is almost exactly the same thing we went through. The same conversations. Thank you for making this. I’m sure a lot of people feel seen and heard. ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that, Rachel. 💜
It’s been an honour to provide catharsis for folks going through the same thing - making the film helped me process my relationship from both perspectives.
Oof. That “I was hoping it would be different with you” hits hard. I’m not asexual but strongly considering that I’m on the spectrum somewhere. Graysexual might be a good term for it. I feel like that is exactly what I feel every time I try to be with someone new - the hoping that this person will be different, that I’ll feel something for this person, and then the disappointment and shame when I don’t. Even when they are everything else I want. It’s hard.
Thank you for having an Asian man representing us aces. We aren't all teen girls like it appears if you watch a lot of ace content. There is room for many voices to show the world what we are.
This is great! I'm so so glad to see Ace content being made. I'm currently in the works of my own, so this is inspiring to know that the voice is slowly being heard!
Holly Wyder Love it! Feel free to connect on social media so we can stay updated on your project!!
@@JaymeeMakFilm I have followed on the 'gram and looking forward to your journey with the film!! :)
I almost hate this because its my exact fear for my life. i hate that sex is usually make or break for relationships
Well, what is one of the reasons humans even do this, it's sowed in our genetic base code for most, and a form of giving affection for most.
@@recluse9978 Yea but try and put yourself in this situation where sex is literally never physically pleasurable for you and if you're a woman have a fear of pregnancy. For people like me who are sex averse and get nothing out of it, sex causes a lot of damage that I don't think non asexuals realize because it never comes to their mind because they don't have this aversion to sex . For non asexuals you can always find others so easy because most want and need sex but for someone like me sex can cause a lot of stress, boredom and frustration. Trying to fix myself in my 20s by having sex really did more harm then good. I wasn't forced but I was violating myself if that makes sense. The guys were not violating me because they didn't know what was truly going on inside my internal self. I never had to try and fix myself to begin with because asexuality is natural. Its rare but still natural.
That must be really hard. of course if more asexual people meet you might meet more people who want the same thing. It just feels like our society isn't really set up for asexual people to have romantic relationships easily most of the time, it can even be hard for gay people, like legally with kids, lately I've been reading almost without even trying a bunch of books where the society is naturally polyamorous, like either they have no concept of monogamy or the default is larger relationship groups/families kind of as they happen and everything is set up for that, like nothing like polyamory is I guess in the real world, more like everyone can be any combination of romantic or friends or sexual partners and things are made so children can have this larger family as a social norm and in many ways it feels like that would be more natural. In our society though there's this one rule and it doesn't really fit much else and it's like that legally and it's the norm so it's hard to do anything else
It does?!!
I’m currently dating an ace and, 8 months in, it is really starting to get complicated. I came across this video while googling “how to date an asexual” for the nth time. The person I’m dating doesn’t label himself as asexual but I think he’s just unaware of what it means, and probably associates it with something negative. It is obviously not negative, and I wish he would come to terms with it but it should be his decision so I am not trying to force him one way or the other. This video is basically a playbook of our relationship at this exact moment. We realize we have different needs, and the relationship is definitely becoming more and more of a struggle. I know the answer to stay together is probably compromise but I’m not sure that is something either of us is willing to do at this point. I’m really starting to wonder if the best thing for both of us would be to end it, and find more compatible people to be with. Sorry for the long comment but the video and the article just really resonated with me
Hey Julio!
If you haven't yet, I highly recommend checking out AVEN's resources and forums: www.asexuality.org/
They have a section "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" that you may find helpful in your journey with your partner.
In our follow-up video interviewing ace advocate Justine: ruclips.net/video/4TtwIbQzt4g/видео.html she mentions that it can be more difficult to navigate relationships where the ace is still discovering who they are, but that it is possible to go through it together.
I hope you and your partner are able to figure out what's best for you both in the healthiest way possible
I hope you were able to get out of that awful situation ❤️🩹
*throws money at the screen*
Oh God, why did I throw a toonie.
Vanessa hahahah psst we filmed this in Vancouver, B.C.! 🇨🇦
I get the impression Chris is somewhere at the start of understanding his sexuality, hence why he couldn’t fully explain to Tina what’s up, but also why he felt he needed to “solve the problem” by giving her what ultimately neither really wants… lots of layers here to chew on. Well done.
This hit home. I'm an asexual woman and I relate to the man. Can't tell how many times I've done it just to get it over with and then curled up into a ball and cried afterwards for forcing myself.
That is no longer my situation, as I've talked about it with my husband and we decided to find an alternative solution, but it's not a solution for everyone.
Hi! If I could ask… Could you tell me what kind of solution have you come up with with your husband? I have kinda similar problem with my partner and I’m looking for the ways how to solve it. I would be really grateful
Im Ace guy
Im With relationship
My girlfriend already have a son
this is nine minutes long and I legit cry for about 8... its a really powerful thing
I have been with my partner for nearly four years now. Early on, the sex started to die down. It got to the point where the longest point we'd gone without being intimate was half a year. We stayed together through things because we loved each other.
I'd always question what was wrong with me, if they just thought of me as a friend, or if they were cheating on me. It was so confusing and hard for me to understand at the time. I felt untouchable and like there must have been something fundamentally wrong with me. I tried changing my hair, my makeup, my clothes, anything I could to become more interesting and appealing. Naturally nothing really ever worked.
It became something to be ignored. We just wouldn't talk about it because when we did there was like there was this fundamental barrier to us understanding each other. There was always the promise that our sex life would probably improve in the future and that I would continue to be patient and continue to try to understand that things just weren't right for sex at the moment.
It was only recently that we had a conversation after I'd done a lot of thinking. I asked if they could possibly be asexual. They said that that might probably be true. On one hand a it strangely felt like a weight was kind of lifted because this would make so much sense and it also made me feel less like something must be wrong with me. On the other, this is scary in a way.
I cried immediately when your character started to. It felt like "Oh my god, this is me." and seeing how Lee Shorten's character felt made me understand what my partner might have felt. I've never seen media like this in my life.
I wonder if it is possible for us to be happy or if we will just hurt each other forever. Thank you for making this.
Im too in relationship
In December (2024 ) Will be Our second year Anniversary
Oh... The looking away and hoping you're doing well enough to get it over with, because you want the person you love to be happy. So many feelings.
Way too many.
Oof. Yup, been there. It's such a tough and complex thing. Well done for portraying it well and sensitively.
Thank you Amy!
He felt like it was something she needed, but it was something neither of them wanted.
This hit me very hard. The love of my life turned out to be asexual so our relationship couldn´t work on a romantic level and we broke up. We´re now extremely good friends because we love each other too much, just not in the way I would´ve liked}. Sometimes I wish things were different and I catch myself longing for something that will never happen but accepting these things is part of growing up.
Same
I can relate to that, went through a long relationship ended it mutually. I'm still grateful we're friend, she's the oldest friend I have.
I hope you get the space you need and move on
That's actually very mature. I rather call it quits than to stay and suffer in silence. I know how it feels like to stay in a relationship that's already dead, it's soul-crushing.
I've recently discovered that I am asexual and this video depicts the struggles of my last relationship. We ultimately ended the relationship because unfortunately at the time I didn't identify as asexual and she couldn't understand why I didn't want sex most of the time. I couldn't really explain it but after the relationship ended I started researching more and figured out that I'm asexual. This video is so relatable and I can empathise with these two and the struggle of wanting to be the best partner you can be, but not feel the pressure of sex even though it's not her fault.
Oh... just what my friend gone through, I'm really struggling to find asexual partner for her,she is in her early 30s.
Thank you for this! I recently came out as ace, and I'm very glad that this has been made. There needs to be more ace representation in mainstream media. Other members of the LGBTQ+ community have their (somewhat limited) content, but as far as I know there are almost no films, short or otherwise, that feature aspec characters. Which is pretty sad. Thanks again for this work!
We’re honoured to be part of the growing landscape! Here’s to more aspec stories! 💜🤗💜
@@JaymeeMakFilm Yes! 🖤🤍💜
I’m glad I get to see asexual person but I’m also glad that person is also Asian too!
Wasn't expecting to cry over a past relationship at 3 am but here I am
She was my high school sweetheart it wasn't until later on we discovered her asexuality. Tried to work through it but we ended it mutually and stayed friends
Same conversations and everything, wonderful film
Me being asexual is one of the reasons why I’m single by choice.
Some Aces are single
Is that an ace flag color scheme I see?
Ethereal Amoeba 100%! Also Tina’s dressed in white and Chris is in shades of gray to show where they each are on the spectrum :)
This was so well done. It’s also such a new feeling to watch something about intimate settings and relate to it so much lol.
I’m really happy that you could relate to it! The actor who plays Chris mentioned that one of the things that drew him to the script was that as an allosexual, he could relate to differences in sexual needs becoming an issue in relationships, especially long-term ones, which hadn’t occurred to me when I was writing it :P
Jaymee Mak wooow he hit the nail right on the head! I feel like it just goes to show that -even with the constant alienation from most of the world- asexual and allosexual people can understand each other and all it needs are points of connection and asexual representation. I’m excited for the “explained” video!
So many emotions right now...SO well done!!!❤️
Same here, I’ve experienced this and I’m just finding out about this in myself right now. Breaks my heart to watch this because it hits home so closely.
This is the relationship that I am in now. We love each other to the far ends of the universe and back but what he said in the video and I quote "Sex is a waste of time" is truly how she feels. I am pretty sure from that you can tell that I relate to the girlfriend. But I as I read the comments and see that some people say that they hated to feel the guilt that he felt and ended up doing what made the partner happy just to keep the relationship that they are in a float...KILLS ME!!! I love her with all my ❤ and couldn't see my world without her. But I don't want to put pain or any strain on her just to have sex with me. This video has opened up my eyes a lot more than I thought they were. Thank you for this master piece as a person who is not asexual but with someone who is asex/demisexual. It makes more things alitte easier.
This is an interesting short film and definitely portrays a situation familiar to a lot of asexual people. Definitely a good conversation starter! I guess it's just unfortunate it can't be a feature length film because the topic really is that complicated. As an asexual person who shuts down when introduced to any form of physical intimacy and as a result has never been in a relationship and never plans to be, it is kind of sad to think that even if I were to try my very best to fulfill the standard role, the scenario in this film would be the best I could hope for... and that's a pretty bleak best. My hope is that in the future, partnership that does not have a basis in romantic/sexual interest will be seen as a completely normal option. At the moment there really is no platform for such arrangements and anyone I open up to about it just sort of laughs in my face. It's definitely difficult to come to terms with knowing the feelings you can have for another person won't have any value. But hey, at least celibacy comes naturally to me. There's always community! ^_^
Hey Milk-Past-Due-Date! 🤓 We could definitely use more well-fleshed out platonic relationships that are akin to long-term committed partnerships, like platonic co-parents, or aromantic life partners. It’d also be awesome to see more exploration of the non-physical love languages (part of what makes Korean dramas awesome haha) 🥰
@@JaymeeMakFilm I could write an essay about how much I love K-dramas but I will spare you. XD
ExpiredxMilk CRASH LANDING ON YOU IS MY FAVOURITE. That’s all I’ll say hahaha 💜
Thanks for making this. I just felt like this was my whole relationship over and over. I could not have explained it better, and thanks for giving a shot out to the ACE community.
(Sorry for the Bad English, greetings from México ✌️)
¡Hola desde Canadá, Carlos! 💜
Hola Carlos! Buena suerte, que eres consciente de quien eres. Al menos asi se puede no sentir culpabilidad en una relacion :) Saludos desde Polonia 😇(perdoname por mi espanol, soy extranjera) :p
But! They didn't eat the icecream!! 😟
P.S. I’ll tell you a secret - the ice-cream was made of instant mashed potatoes 👀
@@JaymeeMakFilm oh, that's a relief 😂👍
@@JaymeeMakFilm why they have mashed potato ice cream?! 😨 (By the way you guys did amazing job the short film was amazing) **claps in ace**
@@Eva_Bell Thank you Eva! Hehe the mashed potato was so we could film multiple takes without the "ice cream" melting :D
I cried on the sex scene 😭😭
I like that the guy is ace - I feel like there is a bit more ace rep nowadays, but it's often girls/women.
Thank you for adding to the resources of support for people in mixed relationships. My wife and I love each other so much and are so good to each other, but she didn't know she was asexual until well after we were married. Your work captured the silence, the weight of what I felt when she first was willing to acknowledge to me that she didn't want me sexually the way I want her. It was so hard. It still is. Now the hardest thing is to know what the best way to meet each other's needs is without pressuring each other- but seeing other people's stories, like yours is a comfort. So thank you.
Im Ace guy in relationship
For me (as a ace), there's just this constant fear and sadness of like keeping from/ not being able to give your partner something so important from your allo partner. Watching him try so hard kinda just broke my heart
Im Ace With libido
Im in relationship
Wow this film brought me to tears. We need more understanding and awareness of asexuality. Thank you 🙏
We 100% do! 💜
So this has been out for 9 months and no one was gonna tell me? RUclips get it together
Well done to Jaymee for making a short but amazingly accurate film. To all the young people out there who are Not Ace & are dating a person who is Ace. Please get out of the relationship it’s not fair on you. I have been with my amazing husband 30 years. Stated dating at 18 we were completely utterly in loved each other had heaps of sex. Broke up a few times & each had other sexual partners. Got ack together and got married. (Note: we never lived together before marriage). Honeymoon no sex, I thought that was odd. Come back home no sex though I tried, he was always to tired, stressed, stayed up super late. Started arguing about no sex. Would have sex then nothing for months. (You can imagine my self worth wasn’t doing to good). Told me he loved my constantly, loved cuddling, holding hands. (Everything but sex or any intimacy). What do you do when you are married to a man you worship, you adore is the sweetest human & truly is your best friend). You stay but years down the track I still love him immensely but! I resent him so much. I honestly believe non asexual & sexual can live together but it’s not a loving relationship it’s a friendship.
Thank you for this. It's a powerful reality that's really hard to verbalize at times.
💜💜💜
This is exactly what I’ve struggled with, verbalizing what I’ve felt. In our sex-crazed society, at least to me, this was the *last* thing I ever suspected of myself. Relationship, after relationship where I always felt like I was responsible for the breakup because for reasons I couldn’t explain (though I had a million excuses), I just wasn’t attracted to the person I was dating. And it’s taken me a long, long time to realize this reality *just is* and it’s okay. Thank you for this life giving film Jaymee Mak and for your thoughts Tori!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Jim! It’s been an honour to be able connect with aces through this film. It’s so freeing to be able to accept ourselves for who we are, and give ourselves permission to thrive as we are 💜
I apperciate this Jaymee. Despite being a complete stranger, I like how you portrayed a very real pain, that I can relate towards. I long for a healthy connections and relationships, yet always fear the moment that draw us to sex. My inability to provide satisfaction to my friends; it hurts and its an indescribable pain to articulate. The awkwardness, the forced interaction, the joyless feeling it really hurts. I apperciate the small time it took me to watch this. I understand the feelings of the man. I felt sorry for both. It's hard to really discuss that feeling of not wanting that intimacy when it's a powerful draw to many people. It's weird not getting it. It's weird not enjoying a pleasure that should be natural. I apperciate you portraying that. It hurts to see, but also kinda true how devastating it is in communicating to people. And what happens when you forced it. It's just ugly and unfullfilling.
Thank you for watching, Lancelot, and for sharing your feelings too. We all deserve meaningful connections in our lives, and although it can be painful to talk about these things with the people closest to us, I hope it leads to understanding and stronger bonds.
@@JaymeeMakFilm
It's lead to some true friendships, I am definitely closer to some of friends by telling them. It's just a very specific pain that this short tapped into, and it was both nostalgic and melancholic. Thanks Jaymee. Best wishes to you.
The lighting is phenomenal
I showed our director/dp your comment (he designed the lighting) and he said: 💜💜💜
:P
@@JaymeeMakFilm can you please say back 💜💜💜
I want to hire them.
It took me into my forties to find that there was a term for people who aren't interested in sex or sexually driven, prior to that, I just thought I was broken, luckily for me, I'm not seen as attractive to women so I never had relationships, I wasn't bothered about relationships, I still find women attractive, but I look but don't touch, I didn't approach as my looks offend, I have lived my life that way, I have female friends and I'm quite close to them, I don't ever think about relationships as they aren't something that's ever going to happen in my life, I'm grateful, because I would hate to think that I made someone feel rejected because of my lack of sex drive and my inability to do anything about it, I'm older now, fast approaching 60, nothing functions down below, so I'm told, that happens when you don't use it, to me, it's a blessing as I wouldn't know what to do if it worked and, for me, as a person, I am sex repulsed, I don't find sex repulsive in general, after all, that's how the next generations come into existence, I find it repulsive for me as a person
Oh, this is *literally* my relationship. Fuck.
this is actually shattering, i can’t-
I’m an allosexual in a committed relationship with a grey ace and we’re having this kind of struggle and it’s so disheartening to look online for community and all I find are people telling us to break up. This video is wonderful and I’m wondering if any of you folks here know where I can find some community? Like a subreddit or something?
Hey KarmaBus, definitely check out www.asexuality.org
They have a forum, including a section for allies and loved ones.
I’m not on Reddit, but I’m also part of two great Facebook groups, just search “Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)” and “Asexuality”. Folks are pretty active about asking for and sharing advice.
Definitely plenty of successful mixed relationships out there :)
Im Ace in relationship
My girlfriend is single mom
We spend time together on conversation hugging and even Kissing
This is so me as an asexual...I feel so bad for the man ,it's the feeling that no one will ever love you 💔
yes....
This really hit home. This is exactly how my two year relationship was, which eventually ended because I wasn't as excited about sex as he was. I struggle with finding the balance between wanting companionship and being true to myself about not really caring for sex. I will do it, but I won't be the one jumping up and down for it. I am quite ambivalent about it. It is a struggle because I am still very much a homoromantic individual. Most asexual videos skirt the issue and I like them because they bring awareness to our plight and struggles. That said, this one really targets me, I almost feel attacked lol.
Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I thought I was alone, and I didn’t see a way out. I still don’t know what to do. I don’t know what needs to be done, but at least I know I’m not the only woman going through this
Hey Kiarylane! If you haven't yet, I recommend checking out AVEN's forum - they're the largest online asexual community + they have a huge archive of resources on asexuality. If you're an allosexual person dating an ace, they also have sections for allies and partners, and they also have FB groups etc. that provide a lot of support and answers to questions :) www.asexuality.org/
@@JaymeeMakFilm thanks for making such wonderful short film... I can relate Tina with me... I checked the ace forum but could not able to find the page for asexual partner.... Can you please help? I am emotionally broken since 8 years...
@@meghamaheshwari9462 Hi Megha!
The subcategory for sexual partners, allies and friends can be found here: www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/
I only recently found out I'm acesexual. And when I found out. I panicked. I do want love and to marry and raise a family. But my biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with someone and they'll want "more". I'd feel guilty for not being able to something I can't do. And they'll feel like their pushing me too hard.
Asexual
Also Ace is a short from Asexual
Remember: You're not broken
I'm an asexual man and I've had these situations before with girls and guys. I don't date heterosexuals or gays anymore because of these situations. You always feel they want more from you than what you're giving and you feel sad that you can't give them sex. This doesn't mean that you don't love them but they never see it that way. For them is not giving sex equal to not loving someone. I've had one night with another asexual and that was the best night of my life.
Love them as a friend, you mean?
I think sex is essential if you are in a romantic relationship. How can you love somebody romantically and don't feel desire? If you are looking for friendship it's the other way round - you stay close and help each other and enjoy your company without this "sex part".
I don't blame your partners for not wanting to believe you when you said you still love them. I think you should try to understand them.
I think sex is about showing how deeply you love the person, how deeply you want the person, how you find him or her attractive. And it is about mutual trust and mutual craving. What's the point of a relationship if you have to force yourself and pretend?
The other person deserves to be desired and definetely doesn't want to feel that the asexual partner is somehow sacrificing for their sake. I think it can be devastating for the self-esteem of the sexual partner. You know- understanding that every time you make love to the person you love, your partner just doesn't care, doesn't want you. I would find it extremely humiliating. And this begging for sex... Gosh!
BTW I think that asexual partner is hurting himself/herself in these kind of situations, too. What makes me curious is: why do asexual people seek the romantic relationships in the first place if they don't feel the need to be in one, really... I just don't understand...
@@marta9127 Romantic love and sexual attraction don’t go hand in hand (although they typically are integrated into romantic relationships). The part of our brain who processes love (attachment, affection, care, etc…) is separated from the part which processes sexual desire. I don’t know if you knew, but humans aren’t made to be in monogamous relationships… this thinking that “I want to have sex with only one person, the love of my life” is something we have socially established, not found in our biology. Therefore, it’s understandable an asexual person would like to be in a romantic relationship without the sex involved. In my opinion, it all comes down to how you view sex. I understand people like you, who think it’s a very deep act of love. Media also didn’t stop portraying the 2 things together… but in reality things are way more complicated. Not that viewing sex as the ultimate act of love is something bad, but neither is viewing it as something unimportant in a romantic relationship. My view is that true intimacy and love aren’t tied at all to sex. The moment I support my partner during a very difficult situation (or they support me), or when I talk about how I deeply and sincerely feel about them or myself, that’s much more intimacy and closure sex can ever bring me. I understand some may see it otherwise or completely disagree with me, but ultimately I wanted to prove that well… people are different with different needs and that it isn’t strange to think that love ≠ sex
@@anxdry_ ok, I understand that. But it should go into the relationship of two likeminded people. If one is asexual and the other's not then all heads into more and more frustration and pain, I guess...
Same
He’s not selfish, she’s not selfish
They’re just trying to figure some things out so that both people can be comfortable.
I know he loves her a lot, and she does too
Watching the end part of this video, I am in tears. Because I can relate to him so much. And on the other hand, I know the perspective of the woman is how my partners have felt in the past. And I feel so bad that I end up resenting them and being cold and distant after sex, because that is how it tends to make me feel, even if I enjoyed the act, I can still end up feeling this way afterward. Many times, I feel like my needs are unheard, and I am just going through with this to please them, thus, putting their needs before mine, as if their desires should be more important than my lack of desire. And I know that isn't necessarily the case. But his expression during sex; how I just have to numb myself to go through it sometimes, even when I want to enjoy it, it just really hit home for me.
This is the most validating thing that i have seen as someone in a relationship with an asexual person.
Im Asexual in relationship
It felt obvious this was from the allo perspective. Unless they have a dismissive personality, the ace would know the expectation for sex in relationships and how it would make the allo feel to be pushed away and given an excuse like 'sex is a waste of time.' I would love to see another film that shows how the asexual person feels beyond their discomfort about feeling like they need to have sex to make their partner happy (that part shows through well in this film). When the conflict arose, I didn't perceive the ace character as having much fear about losing the person they love - or having fear about never getting to enjoy a healthy and happy relationship without the sex issue becoming a deal breaker every time. Given the age of these characters, either this kind of dynamic has probably played out before for the ace character, or the ace person may never have felt in love like this before and is especially pained by the possibility of losing the relationship, but instead the ace character behaves pretty callously, especially at first. I have no doubt there are people whose coping mechanism would be to behave this way - try to downplay and dismiss their partner's feelings - but given how little ace representation is out there I wish we could see a more balanced, mutually loving depiction here that isn't so obviously from the allo perspective.
Just seeing this now, but man this is a pretty good portrayal, and love the title. Definitely hits close to home about what life with an asexual can be.
Relatable
@@polishalastor142 Hope things get better for you.
The love of my life just told me he thinks he's asexual. We had sex sometimes, even enough to make me feel everything was okay but I feel kind of oblivious because he never really wanted me to touch him or have intercourse. Maybe I just didn't want to think about it too much because I love him so much and everything else was working so well. Now I watch this and I couldn't stop crying. I relate to the allo sexual girl and that feeling of having these wants just so incompatable with my partner. The feeling of touching your partner and wanting them to reciprocate so badly but they just can't in that moment and it hurts so much. When he came out to me I realized how much pain that caused him as well. I hope now that we can name what he is going through we can communicate better and make it work somehow. I wish there was more representation of these kind of relationships and more ability to explore the complexity. I didn't understand before my research how how different asexuality looks for different people, I didn't realize it could ever work in a partnership. I hope it can, as of now I'm not willing to leave my relationship even though there the sex part brings challenges. I;m trying to think that every relationship has challenges and needs work and if both partners are willing to try it my be possible to come out of it stronger.
It definitely can work, and it does take patience and understanding to work through the challenges together. I wish you and your partner the best of luck in your journey together
I want to speak to all my fellow ace-spec folks who come across this. I'm a 41 year old aegosexual who spent most of their life in the dark about why they never had an interest in having sex. As a teen or young adult, it was never something on my bucket list. My first time was when i was 25 with my now-fiance. Up until then, i never cared about being "late to the game" regarding sex. Btw, that's bullshit and don't let anyone tell you when you "need" to have sex or that there's some kind of invisible age range that indicates if you're a loser for not having sex before that time is up.
Anyway, sex wasn't something i wanted to do, even with the person I loved. But i gave in often because i felt intense guilt. I always assumed, like the guy in this video, that i just had a low libido from my C-PTSD and severe depression, topped off by crippling self-hate. We weren't having sex nearly as often as he'd have liked. I asked my therapists for advice, but nothing worked. I absolutely hated the "set a date for sex" advice. I know it's great advice for the average couple, but for me, it was very triggering. And trust me when I say that every single therapist at that time gave that same advice, it's a fact.
For years, I labeled myself as demisexual once the word was invented, because in my mind, i figured that since I'd already had sex with my fiance, that must mean I'm not completely ace. Back then, there wasn't much info about the ace spectrum. i was struggling and so was my fiance. I never understood why he stuck by me. He was so frustrated with the lack of intercourse. He'd often complain that we'd do it so rarely, it became once every few months or sometimes only twice a year. He was so worried that i wasn't attracted to him. I knew i was in love with him, but the physical part wasn't there.
In May of this year(2023), i finally got my answer. I'd gotten a new therapist that was LGBTQIA friendly. We went over my sexual history and my feelings around sex in general. After all that, she simply asked, "Have you ever considered that you might just be ace?" It was like hearing something i knew i needed to hear, but was scared to. Instead of feeling relieved, i felt even more intense guilt. Had i been single, taking the news would've been WAY easier. But I'm in an 18+ year committed relationship.
Thankfully, my fiance had discussed our sexual history with his own therapist months prior. She'd asked him if he'd be okay being in a sexless relationship with me if it came to that. He said yes with little hesitation. So with that in mind, it wasn't hard telling him that I'm ace. He fully accepts that part of me and can be at peace with how our sex life will be going forward. Trust me, though, the guilt hasn't really gone away. I've told him hundreds of times that i would totally understand if he wanted to break up. We've had quite a few long conversations about how he feels and how i feel. It helps, but i don't know when this guilt will lift.
To all you cismen who are having a hard time with your ace partner (this advice can be used by anyone, though): you have to ask yourself how important sex is to you. Your ace partner may never want sex. You have to decide if that's a deal breaker. Don't feel bad if it is. You don't have to sacrifice something important to you. Find a more compatible partner. It's okay. It wouldn't be fair to you or your ace partner if you stayed with them and continued to feel unfulfilled.
Ace people: be completely upfront about your sexuality with the people you wanna date. Let them know where on the spectrum you are. That'll give them a good idea as to where they may stand with you when it comes to sex. But, hey, you guys have the internet. It's much easier to find partners that are also ace-spec. The most important thing is to be honest and respect your own boundaries.
👍👏
Im Ace Demisexual ,in relationship
In December 2024 will be Our Anniversary ( 2 years)
I felt both of their pain you're really good actors
This deserves a million views please youtube make it happen???
I am very afraid of going through something like this. Like, I don't have an opinion about sex yet, but I don't want to hurt who I like too. Now seriously, I can't believe she really put that much ice cream aside.
Hey Fernanda! If it makes you feel any better, the icecream was actually instant mashed potato! We were shooting on a 30 degree day and needed something that wouldn’t melt instantly and keep its shape in between takes 😅
@@JaymeeMakFilm OK it made me feel much better kkkkkkkkk
This is brilliantly done! It really resonated with me.
Thank you Claire!
I still felt this and im demisexual. I seriously cant feel any satisfaction what so ever if i dont feel ready. I can fear the action, but no pleasure until i love.
5 seconds in and I'm crying
This hit home. I have spent 20 years in a marriage and I LOVE my husband to death, but even after everything we have been through and children, I am realizing I am greysexual and it plays hell with your relationships. Most of the time I have relations but I don't do it for myself. I do it because I want my partner to be happy but I feel....not authentic to myself and that I am lying to him. I would rather have an amazing discussion or a bonding activity, and when I do try to explain bits me not him, it turns into a meltdown. Sometimes big, sometimes small.
This is late but sending you many hugs
Im Demisexual in relationship
My girlfriend is single mom
My boyfriend and I argue about this a lot. We’ve been together 3 years and it is still an issue. It’s a sad thing for me because we’re good in every other aspect of our relationship. I feel like I try so hard in every other aspect of my relationship to make up for my sexual shortcomings, but at the end of the day I feel like it’s never enough. I feel like I put so much energy into other things to show my love. But at the end of the day I’m just not enough and inadequate.
I just don’t think I’m enough to make him truly happy sometimes.
Hey Deanna! Mixed relationships require strong communication to reach a compromise that both partners feel happy about. Your willingness to want to work on your relationship, makes you a good partner. If your partner isn't willing to accept your asexuality as part of who you are, and work as hard as you are on your relationship, then that's not your responsibility.
If you haven't checked it out yet, I highly recommend visiting www.asexuality.org/ , or joining their Facebook group. Chatting with aces and other folks in mixed relationships really helped me process the issues I was going through.
Best of luck, Deanna!
I feel exactly like you... it is the same for us and I don’t know what to do.
@@JaymeeMakFilm Mixed relationships don't work. I'm an allo, my ex is an ace. For us, the lack, well more actually, absence of sex, wasn't the problem. Just being together was enough, holding hands, hugging, spending time together, just being close was wonderful. Even then they showed some reluctance, and I didn't press further if they didn't want to.
But then came a constant aversion of contact, they didn't like to hug or hold hands anymore. Even expressed disgust at kissing, which was even rare beforehand, now replaced by an apathetic look devoid of any warmth yet continued to claim they still loved me.
We tried communicating, but all ended up in arguments about "not respecting their boundaries" For anyone considering a mixed relationship, don't. Despite their sweet words, promises of caring and understanding, or just cuddles, comfort, or open communication, they really don't give a damn about you at all. They don't....
This short film is the story of my LIFE. Thought I was gay and it was men that were the problem, but I had the same issue with women. Reading the comments here and how people are relating to the woman baffles me. I can’t relate to her at all. Thanks for making this! Very eye opening for me.
Fun fact :Some Ace women are attracted to women
Ouch. This is my life right here. And I'm a man basically in the girls situation. To lay next to someone and feel something so completely differently than they do when you look at them. To lay next to someone and feel like you are The loneliest person on earth... It sucks.
Then be with not a ace person
@@crystajewelz1069 easier said than done. I seem to be more willing to be sad and feel unwanted than I am willing to hurt her feeling. I've been with her for 23 years, we are all we've ever known, been through so much. She is perfectly happy and does not understand anything is wrong, does not understand why people hold hand and or kiss etc. To her, they do it in the same way she does, so other people know they are together. Not because of any actual desire.
I can't hurt her, I tried to leave once 14 years ago. She cried for about 5 minutes, until I put everything down and said "okokok I'll stay just don't cry"
@@Subfightr So she is ace? Or?
@@crystajewelz1069 I believe she is a sexual. She does not find anyone attractive, has no like... Celebrity crush, not now, not as a kid. Has absolutely no sex drive what so ever. She does seem to enjoy it once it .. gets going if you will lol. But that pretty much requires her making a date and time on a calendar 6 months from now, and I don't like that, I feel like a chore, but... Then again I'm pretty asking her to do a chore, ugh. It's a blessing and a curse. I always took great care of my body, was always extremely fit etc, and she never ever cared at all. And here I am today, having had my large intestine surgically removed completely, only 70 percent of my small intestine remains and is shoved through my stomach where it shits in a bag taped to my stomach and hangs down by my junk, 24 7. I'm hideous. I've lost all of my physical abilities and she does not find me any more or less attractive, because for her, it never was about that. I think most people would have left someone in my situation, in fact I know 2 other fells who killed themselves when they went through this and their girlfriend/wife left them.
@@SubfightrAsexual
this was difficult to watch but so well done.
idk how you can sustain a relationship when your needs are so different and it's monogamous too.
I had a lump in my throat at the end. A year ago last week, a lot of pennies dropped and I came to realise I am demisexual. I can relate so much to his experiences. Thank you, this is a wonderful film
Fellow Demisexual 🖤🤍💜🤝
Im in relationship
My last relationship I was in lasted 5 years and it was the best one I ever had. But as we grew older together I realised more and more that sex is just a chore to me, it’s a nuisance thats gets in the way and I don’t want anything to do with it.
And I felt absolutely horrible as I couldn’t explain it to him at the time so when we broke up I felt like the worst human being on the planet because he didn’t deserve that.
Now I just stay away from romantic relationships altogether because I don’t want to go through that again.
Hugs to you, friend. It's never easy to deal with these things
May anybody help with spanish subs? There's a big latinoamerican ace-community out there.
Thx u once again to help about asexuality visibility
I'm going to ask around and find someone to help translate it into Spanish. Will let you know when we upload Spanish subtitles! :D
Hi SoleD81! Good news! We just added Spanish subtitles! 🤗💜🤗
@@JaymeeMakFilm Thank you so much!!!! Such a good news!
I love the aesthetic of the film and how it relates to being asexual.
I never been in a relationship before, but I donʻt think a partner should force you to do something you donʻt want such as s*x.
I loved this film!! 😭😭. Explained so much in such less time. Kudos.. Never liked any other movie so much. 🙏🙏
Wow, that’s really powerful. Well done!
opiatepix Thank you so much Karen! 🤗
This is extremely painfully relatable
Communication is key but many have a hard time not understanding one another. That is the sad thing.
_I don't know why, but for some reason this video made me cry..._
I'm not asexual, so I don't necessarily resonate with the direct meaning of this video, but something in it touched on something for me as well...
Honestly the problem with being asexual is finding a good partner who is either also asexual (which isn’t as easy to find as you think unless you looked somewhere specifically) or totally ok with not having sex (which is even more rare). For me even tho I’m aromantic as well as asexual I can still understand how it feels to want a partner and love without the sex bit.
Me as an asexual who believes love is beyond sex
You can still love the love of your life without sex for a long time
And when both of you are ready like sexual maturity, marriage and raise a family then you it's good to show sexual desires to each other before doing it
I just don't understand why do people confuse between love and lust
Prefer lust after only a few moments of romance
I understand that both of them have different sexuality which aren't compatible but just because both have different sexuality doesn't mean you have to do it and be sad or resentful about not getting or giving fulfillment of desire in relationship
Both need to understand each other's feelings, perspective, boundaries and sexuality and with proper understanding communicate each other with loving care and affection .
Love isn't something you fall for someone and do it stuff
Love is growing connection between two hearts when both nuture strengthen and build trust on each other with honesty , commitment, priority and sincerity.
First strengthen the inner connection of heartfelt doings that are beyond materialistic and sex .
Once the love relationship is healthy and strong enough so much that both can't live without each other and wants to be with each other like grow old together
Then prepare for marriage sex family etc
And when a couple grows and strengthens heartfelt emotional and affectionate bondage for each other with efforts and you take the next level of relationship like sex
Then that isn't anymore sex f*ck hook or casual sex anymore
It's called make love to strengthen the bond more and make children
I believe there are couples who loves each other without doing it
and before you doing it strong emotional and heartfelt connection is must important which takes time to grow
People please stop confusing between love and lust
Both have their own time to build on
And before lust , build the heartwarming love connection with efforts from both sides
After a strong growing emotional connection bondage in months or years then do marriage , make love on wedding night, have kids ,family and live your happily ever after .
Both are important
But love is above lust
Love is beyond lust .
👏
Im Ace in relationship
My girlfriend is single mom
It happened to me a several years ago. My gf want a kiss and I dont want. I told her it was not supposed to be like that. But yeah I kissed her in her forehead, she still upset and I dont know how to explained it. Meanwhile Idk about asexuality at that time. Finally we broke up.
Same here
Beautifully well written Jaymee. Raw and real.
Aww, thanks Raven!
Finally I get it. I am Asexual and I will use this to explain what Asexuality is.
This is my current situation as an ace person. I didn't discover until I was in my first relationship (my current marriage) and it is very difficult to handle most days. I often feel like he does, especially since I am married to a woman and AFAB myself so there are certain stereotypes and expectations that I am having to combat. It is very heartbreaking because I am usually just going through life, unphased and unhorny (lol), while she's feeling undesired and uncared for in that way...Still processing and trying to navigate this, thank you for shedding light on both sides of asexuality. I can go cry now dkjbsfkjhhjdhfjhjrh
🏳️⚧️💜🤍🖤
So raw and powerful, so incredible. i wish I could add Dutch subtitles to this video so I could show it to all my local my local contacts. I'd happily do the translation.
Hi Christophe, if you’re able to message me on Instagram or Twitter @jaymeemak, I’ll share my email with you there so you can share Dutch translations - I’d love to add them!
Story of my life, the worst part being the "pity sex" he gives her when he realises he makes her sad... I'de rather not be touch by a man I seems to disgust than to have THAT
For reals. I can't imagine getting pity sex from my partner. I would feel pathetic and horrible. I want my partner to geniunely want me.
Being asexual doesn't mean you find the other person disgusting just that you have no sexual attraction to them. You still love amd find them beautiful just not sexually.
@@jadelmatthews Yeah seriously, they missed the point. He's probably low-libido and sex-averse. He didn't do it because he pities her. He loves her - he wants to see her happy and at the moment, it seems that sex is the way to do that. But of course, it doesn't lead to the expectation or result they want.
I am asexual and this video feels so relatable to me!
Wonderful acting on both parts. Everything was just, wow, great job.
The sadness goes both ways. He wants to stay with her, but she wants to have sex. As an asexual myself, I understand the pain, unless he finds people like him, he won’t accept himself. Or look at himself. She is blooming, it doesn’t look like he is
Im Ace in relationship
🖤🤍💜
Short and to the point! Very expressive and more importantly, realistic as it seems for some folk out there, as evident by the comments I've seen here. From a cinephile's perspective and being a retired video producer myself, I want to thank y'all for keeping the ....later bits RUclips friendly. Many years ago a miniscule movie director told me the key is to shoot intimate scenes like the opening credits to an old James Bond movie. Nothing is really shown but the audience knows what's going on.
Here's hoping nobody's partner ever decides to guilt trip them into doing things. Manipulation is a red flag and no good could come of it. Fortunately in my case I'm an Ace who literally and metaphorically doesn't give a f*ck.
guys your ice cream has melted
(No icecream was harmed in the making of this film. Instant mashed potatoes on the other hand... 🙃)