1) Is it a decision from truth or fear? Fear-based decision - I think this person will hurt me, so I think I need to push them away before it's too late - The belief that people will hurt you - The belief that it will end badly anyway Truth-based decision - I've communicated - I have no choice but to leave 2) Is this a solvable problem? - Have you communicated to that person? 3) Are they preferences or non-negotiables?
I just got broken up with in a new relationship (6 months) and I 100% believe it was a fear based and emotional reaction but with stories that are somewhat true like: ‘I am scared I’m going to hurt her’ and ‘there is too much going on in my life right now I can’t oversee it all’ because of external circumstances and big life events happening in his life. For now, it wasn’t solvable so I understand his decision at this time. Unfinished business indeed, but it’s still sad and it’s touching a lot of core wounds of mine. Time to get to work 💪🏻❤️
We instinctively know when to break up with someone or when them being in our lives is having a negative impact! You can feel it with every fibre of your being. Let your brain be your guide not your heart. We all know what disrespect, disregard, selfishness looks like. We need to stop making excuses and enabling unacceptable behaviour. If we're not careful , empaths, good natured people are going to be an endangered species. The only beings left will be - Narcissists & Avoidants!😢
They seemed like an incredibly thoughtful person but somehow ended up being the extreme opposite , as I'm thoroughly left in the dark as to what happened.
I think being left with no closure and lingering questions is what makes us hang on for so long. Once I healed a lot of my wounds and triggers, I no longer felt the need for closure. It all circled back to me and my own healing in the end. People are unpredictable. They have their own triggers and wounds to deal with. It's no fun, just the reality of it.
Me too…it feels as though the shock keeps reoccurring in my mind…it was sooo unpredictable…I just accepted the fact that I’ll never know why…and honestly it doesn’t make any difference…
When you are securely attached, have a strong sense of self, communicated, and asked for the other person to meet your realistic needs but the person never did or refused to, breaking up is the easiest thing to do.
Is this what it means when a Dismissive Avoidant means when they say, “ I don’t like who I’m becoming” or “ I don’t want to change who I am”? It’s because they are becoming someone getting in too deep even after 2 years together and 6 years off and on?
stop reading my mind & calling me out 🤣 seriously spooky how well timed some of these videos are for me personally & *especially* how incredibly relevant they often are 💜 *thank you*
My partner doesn't even want to face any 'serious' conversations about 'us' because he says he doesn't do 'emotions'. I've tried......months and months of hot & cold. Time to face the truth. 😪
I'm the type to list things and that helps a lot. Basically I take a few days to write down all the issues and my un-/met needs. Then think if I tried to communicate and ask for a change for each one. The other important list imo is one that states how I've been feeling in the relationship lately. And with my last relationship that list was so long it just left me with no more ideas of how I could try to salvage it. Still trying to figure out if I've been with a narcissist tbh.
It was a very short period but powerful/ meaningful & ultimately ended up that I was told it was one sided after being told & showed that they cared,& that it wasn't,then also being told they couldn't be the friend that I wanted, which I have no idea what that meant, as in the beginning they were completely communicative but then flipped, leaving me very confused.
For seven months he has had me on a string and in the end found he was aware of hurting me and breadcrumbing me. He had to have someone in place ,,, before he dumped me. They definately know how to manipulate getting their needs met. Mine was a player .. and I told him off good. He can lick his wounds for a few weeks rather than keeping me hanging for those weeks.
4.) 7:07 "Is my need to break up an emotional reaction or a thoughtful decision?" It's always been an emotional reaction. On my side and as a person who's been broken up with. I've never even questioned it. It just happens. And yes, there's always been a lot of back-and-forthing in all my relationships. Oddly, my first relationship was with a married woman who had an open marriage w her husband and that was probably my healthiest one. She scared me away when she took all her husbands checks and wanted to run away to another country with me. Oh the days of past! She was a venice beach model and her husband was a chip and dale stripper. She was my first intimate relationship.
That's beautiful... sad to say, but often people get better when they go unto relationships and that's when they can become more secure and more nourishing for others... we really need each other... the more time passes the more I wonder if monogamy is a realistic expectation... we heal through each others and we learn through each other...
If everyone asked themselves those questions 80% of breakups would be avoided…especially avoidants who sadly choose breaking up for somehow silly things…because the real value didn’t mean anything for them…avoidants don’t let you meet their needs so they can get rid of you any time they want !
1) Is it a decision from truth or fear?
Fear-based decision
- I think this person will hurt me, so I think I need to push them away before it's too late
- The belief that people will hurt you
- The belief that it will end badly anyway
Truth-based decision
- I've communicated
- I have no choice but to leave
2) Is this a solvable problem?
- Have you communicated to that person?
3) Are they preferences or non-negotiables?
Thank you for shining your light of knowledge and wisdom into the dark and difficult areas of our relationships. You are truly a Godsend.
You're very welcome!
Please let us know what you thought of this video in the comments! ❤
I just got broken up with in a new relationship (6 months) and I 100% believe it was a fear based and emotional reaction but with stories that are somewhat true like: ‘I am scared I’m going to hurt her’ and ‘there is too much going on in my life right now I can’t oversee it all’ because of external circumstances and big life events happening in his life.
For now, it wasn’t solvable so I understand his decision at this time. Unfinished business indeed, but it’s still sad and it’s touching a lot of core wounds of mine. Time to get to work 💪🏻❤️
We instinctively know when to break up with someone or when them being in our lives is having a negative impact! You can feel it with every fibre of your being. Let your brain be your guide not your heart. We all know what disrespect, disregard, selfishness looks like. We need to stop making excuses and enabling unacceptable behaviour. If we're not careful , empaths, good natured people are going to be an endangered species. The only beings left will be - Narcissists & Avoidants!😢
They seemed like an incredibly thoughtful person but somehow ended up being the extreme opposite , as I'm thoroughly left in the dark as to what happened.
They are always manipulating and are using us.. They deserve to be called on it.
I think being left with no closure and lingering questions is what makes us hang on for so long. Once I healed a lot of my wounds and triggers, I no longer felt the need for closure. It all circled back to me and my own healing in the end. People are unpredictable. They have their own triggers and wounds to deal with. It's no fun, just the reality of it.
Me too…it feels as though the shock keeps reoccurring in my mind…it was sooo unpredictable…I just accepted the fact that I’ll never know why…and honestly it doesn’t make any difference…
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
Very well put, I agree.
@@cloudslady3400 True
Extremely insightful. Thank you so much for this video.🙏🏻
All these are great questions! I guessed the point about "is this a solvable problem?"
❤
When you are securely attached, have a strong sense of self, communicated, and asked for the other person to meet your realistic needs but the person never did or refused to, breaking up is the easiest thing to do.
Hmmm...I usually take a couple of days away and think things over, but this is a much more practical approach. Gonna have to save those questions.
Perfect timing. I broke up with my bf yesterday and he’s trying to get me back. And I keep reminding myself why I broke up.
Wow the break up conversation came out of the blue today and here comes this video. Thank you so much, great questions to be asking.
I feel a lot better with my decision. Thanks ❤
❤
Is this what it means when a Dismissive Avoidant means when they say, “ I don’t like who I’m becoming” or “ I don’t want to change who I am”? It’s because they are becoming someone getting in too deep even after 2 years together and 6 years off and on?
stop reading my mind & calling me out 🤣 seriously spooky how well timed some of these videos are for me personally & *especially* how incredibly relevant they often are 💜 *thank you*
You said it! It's almost humiliating how convicted I get listening to her. Thankfully, it pushes me to be better and work harder
:)
You are welcome ❤
OMG this is the perfect timing!!!❤
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Another great vlog Thais. Thank you ❤
You're welcome ❤
Fear or truth* I love it! 😮❤❤❤
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My partner doesn't even want to face any 'serious' conversations about 'us' because he says he doesn't do 'emotions'. I've tried......months and months of hot & cold. Time to face the truth. 😪
I'm the type to list things and that helps a lot. Basically I take a few days to write down all the issues and my un-/met needs. Then think if I tried to communicate and ask for a change for each one. The other important list imo is one that states how I've been feeling in the relationship lately. And with my last relationship that list was so long it just left me with no more ideas of how I could try to salvage it. Still trying to figure out if I've been with a narcissist tbh.
It was a very short period but powerful/ meaningful & ultimately ended up that I was told it was one sided after being told & showed that they cared,& that it wasn't,then also being told they couldn't be the friend that I wanted, which I have no idea what that meant, as in the beginning they were completely communicative but then flipped, leaving me very confused.
Thank you! 😊
You're very welcome
For seven months he has had me on a string and in the end found he was aware of hurting me and breadcrumbing me. He had to have someone in place ,,, before he dumped me. They definately know how to manipulate getting their needs met. Mine was a player .. and I told him off good. He can lick his wounds for a few weeks rather than keeping me hanging for those weeks.
4.) 7:07 "Is my need to break up an emotional reaction or a thoughtful decision?"
It's always been an emotional reaction. On my side and as a person who's been broken up with. I've never even questioned it. It just happens. And yes, there's always been a lot of back-and-forthing in all my relationships. Oddly, my first relationship was with a married woman who had an open marriage w her husband and that was probably my healthiest one. She scared me away when she took all her husbands checks and wanted to run away to another country with me. Oh the days of past! She was a venice beach model and her husband was a chip and dale stripper. She was my first intimate relationship.
I was 18. She was 29.
That's beautiful... sad to say, but often people get better when they go unto relationships and that's when they can become more secure and more nourishing for others... we really need each other... the more time passes the more I wonder if monogamy is a realistic expectation... we heal through each others and we learn through each other...
If everyone asked themselves those questions 80% of breakups would be avoided…especially avoidants who sadly choose breaking up for somehow silly things…because the real value didn’t mean anything for them…avoidants don’t let you meet their needs so they can get rid of you any time they want !
Is where did I go wrong even it the top ten?
So on that level then,maybe it fell under the classification of abusive?
Always clear it with the dog first. Woof