Best thing a counselor ever taught me was responsibility in relationships isn’t 50-50. It’s 100-100. Each is 100% responsible for choices & behaviors. If you think if you walk on eggshells ‘perfectly’ a toxic person won’t do ‘x’ or ‘y’ you are fooling yourself. You have ZERO control over the other person’s choices & behaviors. No matter what you do, the other person is free to do whatever they do. Notice that you, too, are FREE to choose and do exactly what you want, too😁 (and sometimes your free choice is walk away from toxic and let them be free to be toxic just no where near/affecting you.
Just before I started this video I received a message from a parent of a student in my class regarding a project due tomorrow that they’ve known about for a month. Instead of responding now and sorting it out, I am going to bed and will handle it in the morning when I get to school. I’m not sure I would have dealt with this in this way if I hadn’t watched your video about boundaries. Thank you!
I am a people pleaser. Always putting others wishes before my own. Just started slowly making changes to please myself..never announced it but people don’t like the change
After 10month wait finally got NHS appointment to speak to gastroenterologist (top London hospital)for IBS, alternative therapy. He said I was very knowledgeable about the mind body connection lol(thanks Dan) I asked if he'd heard of Dr.Sarno, he said he did! (very heartening to hear). He mentioned a therapy called ACT, acceptance cognitive therapy. Sounds very similar to l what you do. Waiting list for it but I'm positive I can get closer to my success story using both options. I cut many people/family out of my life when it became apparent I was the only one that wanted to go forward & not be stuck in groundhog Day of childhood n adult arguments. Best decision ever. I'm one of 6 , occasionally speak to one of them and yes sometimes sadness for what was lost can overwhelm me but it's short lived.
Love this - the concept of setting a boundary is a message of safety to the brain . I am now setting boundaries ( which I have learned ) and it's really empowering & freeing . But when you said that setting a boundary is a message of safety it really sunk home to me why it feels so good to have boundaries . Thanks Dan - another fabulous video 💓
A life long people pleaser - in the midst of my third encounter with TMS - now at age 72 I finally 'got ' the lesson my mind/ body has been trying to teach me. I now embrace my power and love myself first and foremost. It's never too late to learn !
Not sure where you said it .. but i like the boundary around symptoms of “you are coming with me, symptoms today” .. vs being owned by the the symptoms / sensations.
Important topic Dan! For me if saying no and feeling yes to a person.. Or saying yes and feeling no to a person / situation it’s a no- go/ red flag 🚩 Then I’m creating inner conflict and disrespect to myself, and more pains / symptoms.. Not easy for a former pleaser but very doable, With family it was more difficult but then I ask myself : would a friend still be a friend if he treated me this way ? If it’s no, then a family - member doesn’t get green light to do that to me either! It’s self- respect and self -care! And that’s what we need to get to a better place. Thanks for the video Dan! Appreciate all your efforts ! 🙏🌻🤗
Yes, Dan, I went through this with my sister years ago. I'm much better for making that decision, but it's hard to not feel guilty also. I know deep down it was the best thing I did. Thanks for this video.
Go Kiwi's ! I am also from Aotearoa = New Zealand. Amazing huh how we come from all over he world. Lack of boundaries, not standing up for my self, people pleasing, fear of rejection, always thinking I have to be 'nice' I feel has set me up for TMS. I have had several pain free activities since starting to watch your videos Dan in the last 3 weeks ! Unheard of for me for years.
Thank you Dan! I've been dealing with a bad flare up the last week and I woke up today in tons of pain. After watching this video I told myself I wasn't going to let my pain dictate my day for me. I stood in front of a mirror and told myself I was not in danger and these sensations could come or go but I wasn't going to lay in bed all day! It worked! Your videos have helped me so much.💜
I have 2 very toxic sisters, they r horrible trouble makers and back stabbers, but they r family ugh and the guilt of that kept me allowing their attacks with no boundaries. At my lowest point with terrible TMS symptoms, I started to realize how my symptoms were being triggered evrytime I spoke with them. So me and another sister decided to stop communication with these 2. They despised us for it with threats that we will need them one day,,they played victim saying things like "what did we ever do to you guys", it was awful with their manipulation tactics, but nevertheless, we stuck to it and we have had zero drama with them, gone, and peace, lots of peace. However, I struggle with doing this to family , but they r honestly not good people, my hope is that one day it can get better, it's hard, but I must work on me. My sister is still tormented periodically by the one and she recently called me about all sorts of symptoms she is having and how she has been from doc to doc, my opportunity to tell her about TMS and Sarno and YOU lol
Hey Dan, Thanks for this very important reminder. I have stopped freaking out now since our last discussion and have been trying to get back to my normal weekly activities but it is very up and down. I can feel my brain is in high alert mode which makes sense after a couple of weeks of on-and-off freaking out. So I get it doesn't trust me again yet but I am giving it messages of safety and staying calm. And today has had to be a sofa day unfortunately and it has been a bit of a battle to keep the mindset strong but this was so helpful because it reminded me not to let this increase get me down. To keep my mindset strong and to not be shaken by them. Just what I needed to hear. I just keep telling myself that if I continue to stay calm even on high-symptom days I will get back to where I was before. I just need to be consistent with it now for a good period of time again like I was before and not waiver. Thanks Dan for your daily dose of inspiration.
@@PainFreeYou Thanks so much Dan. It has been a real fight all day to keep the right story going. A real fight. I just pray things go back to the way they were. I know I need to maintain the mindset and I am really trying.
@@christieharrison560 Just remember, if you were able to get the right mindset before, you will be able to do that again. The key here is that when these negative voices arise, we do NOT need to take them seriously or believe them. This is all temporary. Nothing is absolute and final. Fear is driving this. But don't be afraid of the fear. Counter it with accurate knowledge. Exhausting? YES, but staying in fear and catastrophic thoughts is just as exhausting and difficult. You CAN do this. You've done it before. Go back to that mindset when you were doing great.
Perfect for me: 4-6 wks ago i halted communication with my dad. Hes 96. Yes 96 an ass since the 50s. Wife & i went to fla last week day 2 she tested positive, we drove 11 hrs home. 3 days later me! Our 2nd covid in 13 months. This not nearly as bad as 2022. I was about perfect!!! Now this. Im pissssssssed!!!!!!! Trying to stay calm im day 3
Concentrate on relaxing and help your immune system. My father in law died last year, hadn't spoke to his son, grandchildren three years. My husband was always looking for validation/love, never forthcoming, his loss. Am glad three years ago I told him all the shite he'd caused. Hold your head high
@@1STBUCKLEY thanks alot PB. Just angry. I was damn near 100% last Fri Sat. Then trip Ruined. Covid positive and my dad!!! I had stuff: mitchell 300 schwinn stingray gant shirts 67 Camaro Univ of Miami. But never kindness love respect. Hes still mean! Thankyou for support
I ended a 20 year friendship this year because of unacceptable behavior that had gone on for years. It broke my heart AND was extremely empowering. No regrets.
Childhood friend til 10years ago. Shared so much, was one of my family really but had to finally give up the ghost. It's hard but worth it. No regrets. Well done for seeing it too. X
This was very clarifying. I've been stuck on making a decision about a very bad work situation. I often think about leaving because I sense it will help my PDP. But you really helped me see that I need to come to that decision- taking symptoms out of the equation. Super helpful... I'm curious to see how that goes. Thanks Dan! Love, Beth
Thankyou Dan 🤗 . If i was to take all the negative people around me i would have no family 🤣🤣 . I just block there negativity and sing to myself in my brain and go la la la la la la 🤣 . I love your daily videos they make so much sence. Hope all is well with your mum and yourself 😊 🤗
I decided to set a boundary from others AND from myself and my workaholic nature. I no longer work into the evening and I no longer answer the phone after 8:30 PM. Evenings are my reward. Fine Films and Fine Dry Wine. Turning the rest off. I've told the late callers nicely (one is always drunk). If they don't get it immediately, they will when I don't answer. I'm no longer on call every minute I'm awake.
Perfect Jim. I should take a lesson from you as well. I'm ON social media and email helping folks out from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep.
@@PainFreeYou Dan, you are 24/7 and I worry about you. I was like you until two things happened. First, I burned out perhaps three years from retirement from a job I loved. Then after I retired I had my TMS Trigger incident. You are past the TMS, but burn out could still hit you. I would suggest you consider skipping the daily messages on weekends. and skip them all together when you are vacationing at the lake. Turn off email at these times. Thousands are relying on you, and if you give, give, give non stop you might end up giving up. We can't have that! Set boundaries for Dan too. Super Heroes also need to turn it off and take time for themselves. Relaxing recharges!
@@jimblum4477 Hey Jim. Thank you for all that. You are likely right. There's a big part of me that loves my record of nearly 4 years straight of the daily videos. Something to be proud of. But your message is not lost on me and will take that into consideration. I appreciate you and the sentiment of your message. Thank you.
Hello, thank you for your enormous contribution to a better understanding of TMS. I have a question about the pain switching to the other side of my back with the same intensity after healing form the right side ( after an injury in 2019)?
First of all, that's absolute proof of it being TMS. Structural problems don't switch sides. What this means is that you did a great job in teaching your brain the original location was TMS and it turned off the pain. However the brain was still hyper-vigilant and always looking out for danger. It simply found perceived danger someplace else. Put the other side in the same bucket of "I'm not concerned" as the original location and you should find similar results.
Love this video. I have shoulder/neck pain on and off. Even to the point where I cannot raise my arms above my head or sidewards. Is this known as TMS?
It may be. It may not be. Learn more about TMS and Perceived Danger Pain. (both are the same thing) Dive into the resources on my Getting Started Page: www.PainFreeyou.com/start
@@PainFreeYou I tick 48 of the 50 points in the pain test. Had an MRI scan nothing. Psiotherapist tell me its a shoulder trapezius thing but have been dealing with it for years on and off.
@@kavi8765 48 of 50 absolutely means your brain is creating the pain based on perceiving danger. Nothing more. Teach the brain you are safe and you can reverse this.
Hi Dan, thanks for this video as always. I find this topic complex. I find it really hard to cut people out, even if they do things to hurt me, because I'm very afraid of the conflict and also I feel a lot of guilt about not seeing some people, even if I don't really enjoy the time I spend with them. I also recognise that these people are whole and have the good and bad in them, just as I do. So, unless they don't mean much to me, I can't cut them out. Is there something about learning to feel safe even with people who have hurt you in the past? Because most people hurt others at some point. But maybe set boundaries with those people. I'm taking myself around to this way, but I also know that it doesn't always come from a place of courage for me - it's conflict avoidance. My issue is that I don't think I'm super clear about boundaries, either with myself or with others - and that just confuses everyone.
All of these situations are very complex and challenging for sure. Thank you for sharing your experience. While we cannot control other people, we can choose how we respond to them. Focus there.
Your heart will tell when enough is enough. I was the family fixer after my mum died. I've walked away, can be polite if we cross at funerals but that's me done.
Hi Dan, I'm wondering if you can help me. I get so jealous listening to recovery stories and worried that other people seem to be recovering so quickly. I seem to be stuck in a cycle that goes like this: Responding to my pain with reassurance and soothing Engaging in meaningful activities / living my life despite it Noticing a small reduction in pain / improved relationship with pain (it's still there but less of a problem) Hit with a big dose of pain and depression (sometimes in response to an achievement / living life fully e.g. getting a job, driving long-distance and visiting new places, performing) Feeling despairing, doubtful and like I must be doing it wrong, and staying stuck here for a while Watching RUclips videos on flare ups and setbacks, and re-adopting the habit of reassurance and soothing ...and the cycle begins again Do you have any insights for me? I've been round in this same cycle about 5 times in the last 6 months.
The main key is how we respond to a pain flare up. Fear, despair, doubt all confirm the brains perception of danger and keep the flare up longer. If getting out and doing more is causing an increase in pain, that is because the brain still believes doing more is not safe. Try not to compare yourself to others. Everybody's situation is VERY different. You will end your pain when you have successfully neutralized the fear. It's tough to effectively coach someone via RUclips comments, but if you would like more direct help, I have a course and a group coaching program with 4 sessions a week to choose from. www.PainFreeYou.com/join
Dan I had my 1st huge win last night! I had a horrible symptom, I practiced what you teach, I set the boundary, pulled myself out of the hole and the symptom stopped. It stopped. I still cannot believe it. I now know that if I can turn off that 1 thing that eventually I can dial down all my symptoms. I am so proud of myself, thank you Dan 🥹
What if you work with toxic people and have no choice, can you still set boundaries and not get triggered. If the person Dosent respect it then you have to leave the job ?
There are no rules here. We cannot leave every job where people impact us. However, we can change how we respond/react to other people. What would happen if you just took a mindset that says - their behavior is of no impact on me. Get bullet-proof.
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
Best thing a counselor ever taught me was responsibility in relationships isn’t 50-50. It’s 100-100. Each is 100% responsible for choices & behaviors. If you think if you walk on eggshells ‘perfectly’ a toxic person won’t do ‘x’ or ‘y’ you are fooling yourself. You have ZERO control over the other person’s choices & behaviors. No matter what you do, the other person is free to do whatever they do. Notice that you, too, are FREE to choose and do exactly what you want, too😁 (and sometimes your free choice is walk away from toxic and let them be free to be toxic just no where near/affecting you.
Love that. You are so correct with the 100% - 100%. Great point.
Just before I started this video I received a message from a parent of a student in my class regarding a project due tomorrow that they’ve known about for a month. Instead of responding now and sorting it out, I am going to bed and will handle it in the morning when I get to school. I’m not sure I would have dealt with this in this way if I hadn’t watched your video about boundaries. Thank you!
That is wonderful! Bravo.
Setting a boundary with your brain concerning symptoms. Brilliant way to frame the message.
I am a people pleaser. Always putting others wishes before my own. Just started slowly making changes to please myself..never announced it but people don’t like the change
Yeah - people don't like the change....but that's okay.
I personally think PDP TMS is our body's way of awakening us up to dealing with other stuff.
for sure.
After 10month wait finally got NHS appointment to speak to gastroenterologist (top London hospital)for IBS, alternative therapy. He said I was very knowledgeable about the mind body connection lol(thanks Dan) I asked if he'd heard of Dr.Sarno, he said he did! (very heartening to hear). He mentioned a therapy called ACT, acceptance cognitive therapy. Sounds very similar to l what you do. Waiting list for it but I'm positive I can get closer to my success story using both options.
I cut many people/family out of my life when it became apparent I was the only one that wanted to go forward & not be stuck in groundhog Day of childhood n adult arguments. Best decision ever. I'm one of 6 , occasionally speak to one of them and yes sometimes sadness for what was lost can overwhelm me but it's short lived.
Love this - the concept of setting a boundary is a message of safety to the brain . I am now setting boundaries ( which I have learned ) and it's really empowering & freeing . But when you said that setting a boundary is a message of safety it really sunk home to me why it feels so good to have boundaries . Thanks Dan - another fabulous video 💓
You're so welcome!
A life long people pleaser - in the midst of my third encounter with TMS - now at age 72 I finally 'got ' the lesson my mind/ body has been trying to teach me. I now embrace my power and love myself first and foremost. It's never too late to learn !
Wonderful.
Thank you. Am in a bad place today. I know what to do. See you tomorrow love you Dan 😘😘😘
Holding you in love ❤
You got this! See if you can get back to the same confident mindset you have for the days you are doing better. Mindset leads the way.
@@PainFreeYou trying!!!
@@massagepublications 😘❤️
@@Inge508 ik doe mijn best Inge
Not sure where you said it .. but i like the boundary around symptoms of “you are coming with me, symptoms today” .. vs being owned by the the symptoms / sensations.
We can lead the symptoms or they will lead us.
Important topic Dan!
For me if saying no and feeling yes to a person..
Or saying yes and feeling no to a person / situation it’s a no- go/ red flag 🚩
Then I’m creating inner conflict and disrespect to myself, and more pains / symptoms..
Not easy for a former pleaser but very doable,
With family it was more difficult but then I ask myself : would a friend still be a friend if he treated me this way ? If it’s no, then a family - member doesn’t get green light to do that to me either!
It’s self- respect and self -care!
And that’s what we need to get to a better place.
Thanks for the video Dan!
Appreciate all your efforts !
🙏🌻🤗
100% agree. Family no exception
You are welcome.
Yes, Dan, I went through this with my sister years ago. I'm much better for making that decision, but it's hard to not feel guilty also. I know deep down it was the best thing I did. Thanks for this video.
Always tough stuff. Glad to help
Go Kiwi's ! I am also from Aotearoa = New Zealand. Amazing huh how we come from all over he world. Lack of boundaries, not standing up for my self, people pleasing, fear of rejection, always thinking I have to be 'nice' I feel has set me up for TMS. I have had several pain free activities since starting to watch your videos Dan in the last 3 weeks ! Unheard of for me for years.
That is wonderful. Amazing what accurate knowledge, optimism and less fear can do. Keep at it.
Thank you Dan! I've been dealing with a bad flare up the last week and I woke up today in tons of pain. After watching this video I told myself I wasn't going to let my pain dictate my day for me. I stood in front of a mirror and told myself I was not in danger and these sensations could come or go but I wasn't going to lay in bed all day! It worked! Your videos have helped me so much.💜
Bravo Kerri. When you show the brain you are unafraid, it often calms down the pains. It's all driven by fear.
I have 2 very toxic sisters, they r horrible trouble makers and back stabbers, but they r family ugh and the guilt of that kept me allowing their attacks with no boundaries. At my lowest point with terrible TMS symptoms, I started to realize how my symptoms were being triggered evrytime I spoke with them. So me and another sister decided to stop communication with these 2. They despised us for it with threats that we will need them one day,,they played victim saying things like "what did we ever do to you guys", it was awful with their manipulation tactics, but nevertheless, we stuck to it and we have had zero drama with them, gone, and peace, lots of peace. However, I struggle with doing this to family , but they r honestly not good people, my hope is that one day it can get better, it's hard, but I must work on me. My sister is still tormented periodically by the one and she recently called me about all sorts of symptoms she is having and how she has been from doc to doc, my opportunity to tell her about TMS and Sarno and YOU lol
Wow - thank you for sharing your story with me. You did the right thing. Tough stuff regardless.
Stay strong. You did the right thing. I gave up on all 5 of my siblings. It can hurt but so can all the toxicity.
Hey Dan, Thanks for this very important reminder. I have stopped freaking out now since our last discussion and have been trying to get back to my normal weekly activities but it is very up and down. I can feel my brain is in high alert mode which makes sense after a couple of weeks of on-and-off freaking out. So I get it doesn't trust me again yet but I am giving it messages of safety and staying calm. And today has had to be a sofa day unfortunately and it has been a bit of a battle to keep the mindset strong but this was so helpful because it reminded me not to let this increase get me down. To keep my mindset strong and to not be shaken by them. Just what I needed to hear. I just keep telling myself that if I continue to stay calm even on high-symptom days I will get back to where I was before. I just need to be consistent with it now for a good period of time again like I was before and not waiver. Thanks Dan for your daily dose of inspiration.
I'm here for you.
@@PainFreeYou Thanks so much Dan. It has been a real fight all day to keep the right story going. A real fight. I just pray things go back to the way they were. I know I need to maintain the mindset and I am really trying.
@@christieharrison560 Just remember, if you were able to get the right mindset before, you will be able to do that again. The key here is that when these negative voices arise, we do NOT need to take them seriously or believe them. This is all temporary. Nothing is absolute and final. Fear is driving this. But don't be afraid of the fear. Counter it with accurate knowledge. Exhausting? YES, but staying in fear and catastrophic thoughts is just as exhausting and difficult.
You CAN do this. You've done it before. Go back to that mindset when you were doing great.
Maybe watch one of the group call recording where you were on a great path. You can get back on the scenic route. X
Perfect for me: 4-6 wks ago i halted communication with my dad. Hes 96. Yes 96 an ass since the 50s. Wife & i went to fla last week day 2 she tested positive, we drove 11 hrs home. 3 days later me! Our 2nd covid in 13 months. This not nearly as bad as 2022. I was about perfect!!! Now this. Im pissssssssed!!!!!!! Trying to stay calm im day 3
Wishing you and your wife a good recovery ! So sad to read about your dad but so understandable.take care!🙏🍀🍀🍀
being in the stress response lowers the immune system. That may delay recovery from Covid. Relax, trust your body to heal. It will.
Concentrate on relaxing and help your immune system. My father in law died last year, hadn't spoke to his son, grandchildren three years. My husband was always looking for validation/love, never forthcoming, his loss. Am glad three years ago I told him all the shite he'd caused. Hold your head high
@@1STBUCKLEY thanks alot PB. Just angry. I was damn near 100% last Fri Sat. Then trip
Ruined. Covid positive and my dad!!! I had stuff: mitchell 300 schwinn stingray gant shirts 67 Camaro Univ of Miami. But never kindness love respect. Hes still mean! Thankyou for support
@Mama Bush thanks M yes his last days lol. My mom died 10 yrs ago. Hes too mean to die
Confused about test? For immune ?
I ended a 20 year friendship this year because of unacceptable behavior that had gone on for years. It broke my heart AND was extremely empowering. No regrets.
Fantastic. Love the "no regrets" part.
❤️
Childhood friend til 10years ago. Shared so much, was one of my family really but had to finally give up the ghost. It's hard but worth it. No regrets. Well done for seeing it too. X
This was very clarifying. I've been stuck on making a decision about a very bad work situation. I often think about leaving because I sense it will help my PDP. But you really helped me see that I need to come to that decision- taking symptoms out of the equation. Super helpful... I'm curious to see how that goes. Thanks Dan! Love, Beth
Good stuff Beth. Glad to be of help.
Great message, thank you for sharing Dan ⭐️
Glad you enjoyed it
Thankyou Dan 🤗 . If i was to take all the negative people around me i would have no family 🤣🤣 . I just block there negativity and sing to myself in my brain and go la la la la la la 🤣 . I love your daily videos they make so much sence. Hope all is well with your mum and yourself 😊 🤗
Love that! Yes, mom and I are both doing well. Thank you.
Thank you Dan! 🙏😊
My pleasure!
Looks like a great topic.
I decided to set a boundary from others AND from myself and my workaholic nature. I no longer work into the evening and I no longer answer the phone after 8:30 PM. Evenings are my reward. Fine Films and Fine Dry Wine. Turning the rest off. I've told the late callers nicely (one is always drunk). If they don't get it immediately, they will when I don't answer. I'm no longer on call every minute I'm awake.
Perfect Jim. I should take a lesson from you as well. I'm ON social media and email helping folks out from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep.
@@PainFreeYou Dan, you are 24/7 and I worry about you. I was like you until two things happened. First, I burned out perhaps three years from retirement from a job I loved. Then after I retired I had my TMS Trigger incident. You are past the TMS, but burn out could still hit you. I would suggest you consider skipping the daily messages on weekends. and skip them all together when you are vacationing at the lake. Turn off email at these times. Thousands are relying on you, and if you give, give, give non stop you might end up giving up. We can't have that! Set boundaries for Dan too. Super Heroes also need to turn it off and take time for themselves. Relaxing recharges!
@@jimblum4477 Hey Jim. Thank you for all that. You are likely right. There's a big part of me that loves my record of nearly 4 years straight of the daily videos. Something to be proud of. But your message is not lost on me and will take that into consideration. I appreciate you and the sentiment of your message. Thank you.
Morning dude!
Morning.
Hello, thank you for your enormous contribution to a better understanding of TMS. I have a question about the pain switching to the other side of my back with the same intensity after healing form the right side ( after an injury in 2019)?
First of all, that's absolute proof of it being TMS. Structural problems don't switch sides. What this means is that you did a great job in teaching your brain the original location was TMS and it turned off the pain. However the brain was still hyper-vigilant and always looking out for danger. It simply found perceived danger someplace else. Put the other side in the same bucket of "I'm not concerned" as the original location and you should find similar results.
Love this video. I have shoulder/neck pain on and off. Even to the point where I cannot raise my arms above my head or sidewards. Is this known as TMS?
It may be. It may not be. Learn more about TMS and Perceived Danger Pain. (both are the same thing) Dive into the resources on my Getting Started Page:
www.PainFreeyou.com/start
@@PainFreeYou I tick 48 of the 50 points in the pain test. Had an MRI scan nothing. Psiotherapist tell me its a shoulder trapezius thing but have been dealing with it for years on and off.
@@kavi8765 48 of 50 absolutely means your brain is creating the pain based on perceiving danger. Nothing more. Teach the brain you are safe and you can reverse this.
Beautiful correlation….
How long for the day can one please those symptoms….. Symptoms are a kind of narcissistic 😂
Hi Dan, thanks for this video as always. I find this topic complex. I find it really hard to cut people out, even if they do things to hurt me, because I'm very afraid of the conflict and also I feel a lot of guilt about not seeing some people, even if I don't really enjoy the time I spend with them. I also recognise that these people are whole and have the good and bad in them, just as I do. So, unless they don't mean much to me, I can't cut them out. Is there something about learning to feel safe even with people who have hurt you in the past? Because most people hurt others at some point. But maybe set boundaries with those people. I'm taking myself around to this way, but I also know that it doesn't always come from a place of courage for me - it's conflict avoidance. My issue is that I don't think I'm super clear about boundaries, either with myself or with others - and that just confuses everyone.
All of these situations are very complex and challenging for sure. Thank you for sharing your experience.
While we cannot control other people, we can choose how we respond to them. Focus there.
Your heart will tell when enough is enough. I was the family fixer after my mum died. I've walked away, can be polite if we cross at funerals but that's me done.
Hi Dan, I'm wondering if you can help me. I get so jealous listening to recovery stories and worried that other people seem to be recovering so quickly. I seem to be stuck in a cycle that goes like this:
Responding to my pain with reassurance and soothing
Engaging in meaningful activities / living my life despite it
Noticing a small reduction in pain / improved relationship with pain (it's still there but less of a problem)
Hit with a big dose of pain and depression (sometimes in response to an achievement / living life fully e.g. getting a job, driving long-distance and visiting new places, performing)
Feeling despairing, doubtful and like I must be doing it wrong, and staying stuck here for a while
Watching RUclips videos on flare ups and setbacks, and re-adopting the habit of reassurance and soothing
...and the cycle begins again
Do you have any insights for me? I've been round in this same cycle about 5 times in the last 6 months.
The main key is how we respond to a pain flare up. Fear, despair, doubt all confirm the brains perception of danger and keep the flare up longer.
If getting out and doing more is causing an increase in pain, that is because the brain still believes doing more is not safe.
Try not to compare yourself to others. Everybody's situation is VERY different. You will end your pain when you have successfully neutralized the fear.
It's tough to effectively coach someone via RUclips comments, but if you would like more direct help, I have a course and a group coaching program with 4 sessions a week to choose from. www.PainFreeYou.com/join
Dan I had my 1st huge win last night!
I had a horrible symptom, I practiced what you teach, I set the boundary, pulled myself out of the hole and the symptom stopped. It stopped. I still cannot believe it.
I now know that if I can turn off that 1 thing that eventually I can dial down all my symptoms.
I am so proud of myself, thank you Dan 🥹
Brilliant Aimee. I'm proud of you too.
Thanks for helping me last night, Dan. I have some clarity now!
Excellent! Really glad to help.
What if you work with toxic people and have no choice, can you still set boundaries and not get triggered. If the person Dosent respect it then you have to leave the job ?
There are no rules here. We cannot leave every job where people impact us. However, we can change how we respond/react to other people. What would happen if you just took a mindset that says - their behavior is of no impact on me. Get bullet-proof.