I am so impressed that Tony is putting out a counter to all the strident “no contact” as the only way to give the avoidant space and getting them to miss you. It’s always felt like a manipulation to me and emotionally violent. Like tough love. “Fuck you” love. That’s NOT love. What I hoped for was clarity from my person because I was an avoidant and now self-made secure. I once couldn’t allow myself my feelings especially anger for fear I’d be abandoned. I couldn’t find my words. Now I can. But when someone wanted to get close to me I pulled away and got cold inside. I have been in both sides. I understand from the inside out. I don’t do any of that anymore. My sense of self is strong, my self esteem is high and I’m comfortable with boundaries both putting them down and respecting others’. I have empathy for my person and have been in that fearful place of internal isolation. It’s lonely in there. The world felt cold and I remember it although it seems eons ago. I’ve been on a healing and self transformation journey since I can remember and it’s my passion. The wounded heals to clear their pain and unfolds into becoming a healer for others in pain. Classic. I have no issues with boundaries and would love my person to find his words to be clear but so far he hasn’t. Like Tony says most avoidants don’t know they are avoidant and believe that their self imposed isolation is independence but it’s a form of inner prison. If they don’t know they are avoidant they then don’t know how to express their needs because they’ve made themselves numb to their needs. After all why bother since they learned no one’s listening or cares. The universe brought me to videos on attachment styles. I was learning about myself and all my relationships in hindsight with what each vid shared. Each with their own peice of understanding that added another facet to the picture puzzle. Through sharing what I’ve been learning about attachment styles my person is waking to the realization that he is avoidant. Although I used to have issues with boundaries being highly empathic as a strategy of survival for an unpredictable caregiver, I’ve done the healing work that allows me to choose the thickness of my boundaries and also deeply respect others. Now I can use my empathy instead of it using me. I can give space or come close and all of the range in between. What I realize is that the avoidant is vague about their needs or boundaries but NOT out of manipulation which it felt like before I learned about attachment styles. I see now that it’s THEIR lack of clarity they have about THEMSELVES. They ARE being honest. They REALLY don’t know what they feel or want. An avoidant attachment style is created in childhood so in essence avoidants are adult whose senses and perceptions get highjacked by a child’s perspective and coping strategy when they feel threatened by feelings of vulnerability inside themselves. They can seem or act cold to you when your vulnerable and see you as needy or clingy or needing too much when your feelings trigger their inner child that is still hurting and fearful. You bump up against their adaptive self - their inner defense mechanism - the inner child that created a coping and survival strategy. At that very moment that strategy was a conscious choice but it was so fast that it went subconscious in an nano instant. A strategy that goes subconscious runs traumatized children like programs run laptops in the operating system. They are unseen and undetectable. As a practitioner and spiritual seeker I know this dynamic.I know how the ego works to fool our senses and distort the perceptions of our heart. Before I learned about attachment styles I found my persons reactions and behaviors confusing and hurtful. I felt I was in limbo all the time. I found limbo hurt more than outright rejection. But instead of blaming or shaming him I wanted to understand his behaviors. I became curious. I knew that my reactions and pain were a mirror of MY issues. I KNEW that no one can hurt you if you don’t have a trigger for that hurt. I KNEW that everything is made of LOVE and that what gives us the most peace is a feeling of that LOVE that we once knew before being born - the truth of our nature. So, I took on healing myself by being VULNERABLE to the feelings that got triggered by my person. I turned inwards knowing that it was NOT him that hurt me with his behaviors but instead I asked how was each trigger in fact a pointer to one of my issues that needed resolving. I took on clearing and healing each trigger and with each I became internally freer, less judgmental of my myself and others and my person. It left me with a greater sense of compassion and ability to love unconditionally - a tremendous gift. I can recede if my person needs that. In doing that I’m not abandoning him. But he doesn’t let me know himself what he needs. He hasn’t gotten to a place of trusting me that I will hold the space for him and hear him with respect and be his friend and respect his boundaries because he doesn’t know his own needs. But perhaps knowing me has sparked a pilot light in him that will ignite his desire to become more self aware and move towards greater intimacy with himself and then others. We are ALL works in progress. Recently as I poured over these vids I had a revelation and see the emotional shadows of my avoidant style that looks like health and are couched as spiritually correct. We are told in new age spirituality to “ forgive, let go, move on.” I became expert at “move on” as a teen but the suppressed feelings kicked me hard years later when I was strong enough to feel them. The intensity of them surprised me. It’s clear feelings DON’T clear themselves. They have their own wisdom and ASK and WAIT to be acknowledged. My invitation now is to hold feelings of pain without running. To allow them to move like water through my being because they have the right to be felt and move from an organic unfolding not an skate over them by avoiding them. In some cultures when one loses a child they are joined by mourners who support them in their emoting their wails of pain at their loss. To me there’s a great wisdom in that. My biggest gift to myself in the process of healing is compassion for myself and therefore others. I have compassion for my person through my journey. I don’t know how to be my persons ally because of his lack of clarity with me about his needs but I do know he loves me and values our connection. My prayer is that as I’ve touched his life with my love and him being witness to my healing journey from anxious to secure has given him a glimmer of the internal freedom and sweetly satisfying connection that is possible when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in relationships where the other has their best interest genuinely at heart.
I think it is difficult for an avoidant to understand how much they have hurt both of you by cocooning their feelings of fear and rejection. By avoiding what they wish not to confront they put their emotional needs on hold so as to protect themselves and their loved ones from further hurt. If they only learn to trust the importance of honest communication with their partner do they begin to learn and feel that allowing themselves to be vulnerable will intensify and enhance their ability to accept their fears as natural to being human. One of the most beautiful parts of practicing good communication skills is accepting ourselves for who we are in the light of another’s vulnerabilities as well. Patience, time and space allows for a better opportunity to heal misunderstandings. We are all vulnerable whenever we risk expressing feelings in order to become close with someone else. Respecting boundaries and listening with intention is a key stepping stone to healing from hurt. It all seems to stem from the emotional support we are given from birth through experiences in childhood that prepares us for being less avoidant as adults.
@ I completely agree with you that, by avoiding to share their feelings in order to not feel their feelings, they actually end up hurting themselves and others. Communication is everything. I am a practitioner and life coach, and one of the things that I’ve been asked to help people with is a stage fright. That’s the feeling that people get when they’re asked to communicate their feelings and they don’t have the words for it. Put on the spot. I always tell people “start exactly where you are” It’s the same thing for the highly sensitive persons, which I happen to be. We get overstimulated when we’re asked to speak publicly, so I always start exactly where I am. I say “this is really difficult for me and my heart is pounding and it’s really important for me that you get what I’m trying to say so it makes feel even more intense about communicating that to you and the mix of it is making it uncomfortable in my body”. And when I start speaking from my Now experience, that overstimulation starts to go away and I start flowing. I wish there was a way to help avoidants find their words. And then, of course, the people listening to the words need to be totally accepting and embracing of that vulnerability. I’m totally ready to do that with my person but I don’t think that he is ready. I don’t want to crowd him. I also recently learns the brain is set up to need closure. And the degree to which we need closure is dictated by the investment in the closure. The degree to which we CARE is the degree to which we are disturbed. Once we realize that the mechanism is actually biological, at least for me, I have found it extremely freeing because I can decide not to care. We all can choose to care or not. We put energy into what we care about. And in that we end up getting attached and the attachment is what makes the avoidant feel uncomfortable. When we let go of the caring we let go of the attachment and then they are free to be wherever and however they are until they’re ready to start coming out of themselves and trust more. I have let go. It doesn’t mean I don’t love this person because I do. I just am not attached the way I was. Now I understand that the set up was biological and it was creating the stress in me. It’s like I got the magic secret that creates mental stress. Also, there’s another reality to all attachment styles, and that is that they are fluid and that they affect each other. The secure is the one that balances all of them when they come in contact. So the goal is to become securely attached. And then you become the anchor, and they in whatever attachment style they have, can feel safer around you, and that safety allows them to take a chance to trust. I know that attachment styles can change, because I used to be a fearful avoidant. I was more secure by the time I met my person but the dynamic triggered me. Instead of blaming him I fact, all of the turmoil that I went through with my person led me to take on each one as another layer for me to heal in myself. I didn’t blame or shame that other person, because I knew that what I was experiencing was pointing to my unresolved remnants of issues that I needed to heal. As an EFT practitioner, I see these attachment styles as strategies and downloads that come from childhood experiences and when we clear the traumas that give us the perspectives, thoughts, feelings, that we have we no longer have the basis inside for the same fears that make us insecure. Then seamlessly we unfold with greater internal and external security in ourselves. So I started out as a fearful avoidant from a very young age and through my clearing trauma became more and more secure, although my anxious qualities came out with this person and I took them on to do my own work. I think that is the wisest thing that anyone can do when they’re in a relationship, look at themselves and get themselves to a place of being securely attached inside themselves and with others. From there it will naturally unfold that the people will stay together, because the avoidant will feel more trust and less crowded or they will naturally move apart because the one that is secure no longer wants that kind of dynamic. The goal always, though is to get to a greater capacity for unconditional love, and any uncoupling to be done with love. .
An avoidant is reflexively reacting from a perspective they have from experiences in childhood. They are being triggered. We’re not talking about manipulative narcissistic people with almost personality disorders. We’re talking about people that are scared. They’re afraid to feel their feelings. The avoidant person that is my person didn’t even know why he felt the way he did until I started asking him questions about how old he felt in that feeling and it took him to being a little boy, who had been very coldly physically, abused and emotionally abused. He learned that he couldn’t depend on anybody but himself to soothe himself. They create an internal isolation, which is being called independence, but it is the opposite of independence. The avoidant is not trying to protect their independence. There is no freedom in it. It’s a self-imposed prison. They are afraid to feel. Anything that comes close makes them become triggered because it feels like danger. They pull away and it shows up as no communication. Start seeing it for what it really is. It’s like somebody who went to war and they’re shellshocked. They hear a sound and it triggers them and they think it’s war again. They run. They’re not running because they’re trying to hurt you. They’re running because they’re terrified.
Now can u do a talk on the AVOIDANT being happy in there OWN skin as after all no ONE outside off self can make u HAPPY it comes FROM WITHIN best decision being ALONE 😊
I was annoyed with the fake Robbins voice, but there's a lot of deep truths said here.
Insightful!
I am so impressed that Tony is putting out a counter to all the strident “no contact” as the only way to give the avoidant space and getting them to miss you. It’s always felt like a manipulation to me and emotionally violent. Like tough love. “Fuck you” love. That’s NOT love. What I hoped for was clarity from my person because I was an avoidant and now self-made secure. I once couldn’t allow myself my feelings especially anger for fear I’d be abandoned. I couldn’t find my words. Now I can. But when someone wanted to get close to me I pulled away and got cold inside. I have been in both sides. I understand from the inside out. I don’t do any of that anymore. My sense of self is strong, my self esteem is high and I’m comfortable with boundaries both putting them down and respecting others’. I have empathy for my person and have been in that fearful place of internal isolation. It’s lonely in there. The world felt cold and I remember it although it seems eons ago. I’ve been on a healing and self transformation journey since I can remember and it’s my passion. The wounded heals to clear their pain and unfolds into becoming a healer for others in pain. Classic. I have no issues with boundaries and would love my person to find his words to be clear but so far he hasn’t. Like Tony says most avoidants don’t know they are avoidant and believe that their self imposed isolation is independence but it’s a form of inner prison. If they don’t know they are avoidant they then don’t know how to express their needs because they’ve made themselves numb to their needs. After all why bother since they learned no one’s listening or cares. The universe brought me to videos on attachment styles. I was learning about myself and all my relationships in hindsight with what each vid shared. Each with their own peice of understanding that added another facet to the picture puzzle. Through sharing what I’ve been learning about attachment styles my person is waking to the realization that he is avoidant. Although I used to have issues with boundaries being highly empathic as a strategy of survival for an unpredictable caregiver, I’ve done the healing work that allows me to choose the thickness of my boundaries and also deeply respect others. Now I can use my empathy instead of it using me. I can give space or come close and all of the range in between. What I realize is that the avoidant is vague about their needs or boundaries but NOT out of manipulation which it felt like before I learned about attachment styles. I see now that it’s THEIR lack of clarity they have about THEMSELVES. They ARE being honest. They REALLY don’t know what they feel or want. An avoidant attachment style is created in childhood so in essence avoidants are adult whose senses and perceptions get highjacked by a child’s perspective and coping strategy when they feel threatened by feelings of vulnerability inside themselves. They can seem or act cold to you when your vulnerable and see you as needy or clingy or needing too much when your feelings trigger their inner child that is still hurting and fearful. You bump up against their adaptive self - their inner defense mechanism - the inner child that created a coping and survival strategy. At that very moment that strategy was a conscious choice but it was so fast that it went subconscious in an nano instant. A strategy that goes subconscious runs traumatized children like programs run laptops in the operating system. They are unseen and undetectable. As a practitioner and spiritual seeker I know this dynamic.I know how the ego works to fool our senses and distort the perceptions of our heart. Before I learned about attachment styles I found my persons reactions and behaviors confusing and hurtful. I felt I was in limbo all the time. I found limbo hurt more than outright rejection. But instead of blaming or shaming him I wanted to understand his behaviors. I became curious. I knew that my reactions and pain were a mirror of MY issues. I KNEW that no one can hurt you if you don’t have a trigger for that hurt. I KNEW that everything is made of LOVE and that what gives us the most peace is a feeling of that LOVE that we once knew before being born - the truth of our nature. So, I took on healing myself by being VULNERABLE to the feelings that got triggered by my person. I turned inwards knowing that it was NOT him that hurt me with his behaviors but instead I asked how was each trigger in fact a pointer to one of my issues that needed resolving. I took on clearing and healing each trigger and with each I became internally freer, less judgmental of my myself and others and my person. It left me with a greater sense of compassion and ability to love unconditionally - a tremendous gift. I can recede if my person needs that. In doing that I’m not abandoning him. But he doesn’t let me know himself what he needs. He hasn’t gotten to a place of trusting me that I will hold the space for him and hear him with respect and be his friend and respect his boundaries because he doesn’t know his own needs. But perhaps knowing me has sparked a pilot light in him that will ignite his desire to become more self aware and move towards greater intimacy with himself and then others. We are ALL works in progress. Recently as I poured over these vids I had a revelation and see the emotional shadows of my avoidant style that looks like health and are couched as spiritually correct. We are told in new age spirituality to “ forgive, let go, move on.” I became expert at “move on” as a teen but the suppressed feelings kicked me hard years later when I was strong enough to feel them. The intensity of them surprised me. It’s clear feelings DON’T clear themselves. They have their own wisdom and ASK and WAIT to be acknowledged. My invitation now is to hold feelings of pain without running. To allow them to move like water through my being because they have the right to be felt and move from an organic unfolding not an skate over them by avoiding them. In some cultures when one loses a child they are joined by mourners who support them in their emoting their wails of pain at their loss. To me there’s a great wisdom in that. My biggest gift to myself in the process of healing is compassion for myself and therefore others. I have compassion for my person through my journey. I don’t know how to be my persons ally because of his lack of clarity with me about his needs but I do know he loves me and values our connection. My prayer is that as I’ve touched his life with my love and him being witness to my healing journey from anxious to secure has given him a glimmer of the internal freedom and sweetly satisfying connection that is possible when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in relationships where the other has their best interest genuinely at heart.
Does an avoidant have your best interest at heart when they mercilessly dump you without communicating any problems and issues beforehand?
I think it is difficult for an avoidant to understand how much they have hurt both of you by cocooning their feelings of fear and rejection. By avoiding what they wish not to confront they put their emotional needs on hold so as to protect themselves and their loved ones from further hurt. If they only learn to trust the importance of honest communication with their partner do they begin to learn and feel that allowing themselves to be vulnerable will intensify and enhance their ability to accept their fears as natural to being human. One of the most beautiful parts of practicing good communication skills is accepting ourselves for who we are in the light of another’s vulnerabilities as well. Patience, time and space allows for a better opportunity to heal misunderstandings. We are all vulnerable whenever we risk expressing feelings in order to become close with someone else. Respecting boundaries and listening with intention is a key stepping stone to healing from hurt. It all seems to stem from the emotional support we are given from birth through experiences in childhood that prepares us for being less avoidant as adults.
@@Pinchofpunch
No they don’t. They have no self awareness of what they’re doing. It’s their norm. They think everyone else is damaged
@ I completely agree with you that, by avoiding to share their feelings in order to not feel their feelings, they actually end up hurting themselves and others. Communication is everything. I am a practitioner and life coach, and one of the things that I’ve been asked to help people with is a stage fright. That’s the feeling that people get when they’re asked to communicate their feelings and they don’t have the words for it. Put on the spot. I always tell people “start exactly where you are” It’s the same thing for the highly sensitive persons, which I happen to be. We get overstimulated when we’re asked to speak publicly, so I always start exactly where I am. I say “this is really difficult for me and my heart is pounding and it’s really important for me that you get what I’m trying to say so it makes feel even more intense about communicating that to you and the mix of it is making it uncomfortable in my body”. And when I start speaking from my Now experience, that overstimulation starts to go away and I start flowing. I wish there was a way to help avoidants find their words. And then, of course, the people listening to the words need to be totally accepting and embracing of that vulnerability. I’m totally ready to do that with my person but I don’t think that he is ready. I don’t want to crowd him. I also recently learns the brain is set up to need closure. And the degree to which we need closure is dictated by the investment in the closure. The degree to which we CARE is the degree to which we are disturbed. Once we realize that the mechanism is actually biological, at least for me, I have found it extremely freeing because I can decide not to care. We all can choose to care or not. We put energy into what we care about. And in that we end up getting attached and the attachment is what makes the avoidant feel uncomfortable. When we let go of the caring we let go of the attachment and then they are free to be wherever and however they are until they’re ready to start coming out of themselves and trust more. I have let go. It doesn’t mean I don’t love this person because I do. I just am not attached the way I was. Now I understand that the set up was biological and it was creating the stress in me. It’s like I got the magic secret that creates mental stress. Also, there’s another reality to all attachment styles, and that is that they are fluid and that they affect each other. The secure is the one that balances all of them when they come in contact. So the goal is to become securely attached. And then you become the anchor, and they in whatever attachment style they have, can feel safer around you, and that safety allows them to take a chance to trust. I know that attachment styles can change, because I used to be a fearful avoidant. I was more secure by the time I met my person but the dynamic triggered me. Instead of blaming him I fact, all of the turmoil that I went through with my person led me to take on each one as another layer for me to heal in myself. I didn’t blame or shame that other person, because I knew that what I was experiencing was pointing to my unresolved remnants of issues that I needed to heal. As an EFT practitioner, I see these attachment styles as strategies and downloads that come from childhood experiences and when we clear the traumas that give us the perspectives, thoughts, feelings, that we have we no longer have the basis inside for the same fears that make us insecure. Then seamlessly we unfold with greater internal and external security in ourselves. So I started out as a fearful avoidant from a very young age and through my clearing trauma became more and more secure, although my anxious qualities came out with this person and I took them on to do my own work. I think that is the wisest thing that anyone can do when they’re in a relationship, look at themselves and get themselves to a place of being securely attached inside themselves and with others. From there it will naturally unfold that the people will stay together, because the avoidant will feel more trust and less crowded or they will naturally move apart because the one that is secure no longer wants that kind of dynamic. The goal always, though is to get to a greater capacity for unconditional love, and any uncoupling to be done with love.
.
An avoidant is reflexively reacting from a perspective they have from experiences in childhood. They are being triggered. We’re not talking about manipulative narcissistic people with almost personality disorders. We’re talking about people that are scared. They’re afraid to feel their feelings. The avoidant person that is my person didn’t even know why he felt the way he did until I started asking him questions about how old he felt in that feeling and it took him to being a little boy, who had been very coldly physically, abused and emotionally abused. He learned that he couldn’t depend on anybody but himself to soothe himself. They create an internal isolation, which is being called independence, but it is the opposite of independence. The avoidant is not trying to protect their independence. There is no freedom in it. It’s a self-imposed prison. They are afraid to feel. Anything that comes close makes them become triggered because it feels like danger. They pull away and it shows up as no communication. Start seeing it for what it really is. It’s like somebody who went to war and they’re shellshocked. They hear a sound and it triggers them and they think it’s war again. They run. They’re not running because they’re trying to hurt you. They’re running because they’re terrified.
Now can u do a talk on the AVOIDANT being happy in there OWN skin as after all no ONE outside off self can make u HAPPY it comes FROM WITHIN best decision being ALONE 😊
No, it will only guy enable the avoidant. Nice tryd
Voice is poorly cloned.
Stop with the ai lol