I'm Here Even Though I Hate Myself
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- When It comes to our mental health there are no gimmicks to make us feel better. I wrote this piece in the most truthful way I could bear because I think when the subject is that sensitive honesty helps. The theme is dark because my thoughts were dark but I'm responsible for the way I frame my thoughts on this channel. I hope you explore the darkness in this piece only as a contrast to the light that exists, and I hope you find the courage to embrace the optimism within.
Forever Humbled,
A kid with a camera
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-The narrator is Tyler
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-The music is this:
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🔰I'm Here Even Though I Hate Myself by illneas
I'm lost
I'm imperfect
one person in the endless echo of the universe
waiting to be forgotten
I'm insignificant
I'm imperfect
I'm the face you ignored today
that your unconscious mind will use to populate a dream
I'm not an artist
I'm imperfect
I'm gathering dust on a digital shelf
while fading from your mind
I'm isolated
I'm imperfect
And if you can feel my words you might help me defeat my loneliness
or at least numb my emotions
I'm still here
even though I hate myself
because the courage in my heart will always be a paradox
I'm guarding my thin slice of paradise between old buildings
and the dreams that never became true
the purpose of my life is limited by the painful beauty of my freedom
and exists because of it
I'm the sum total of my mistakes
and If you see any beauty in that
it is because I found the strength to own them
I'm still lost
I'm still imperfect
I'm still here
0:52 I am gathering dust in a digital shelf, while fading from your mind.
So true of our generation. I loved this line
The internet artists's nightmare
Every thing this beautiful soul creates is pure heaven no matter the subject. I wish I could give you the biggest hug one day! I don’t know if you fully understand how much you have helped me through really tough things.I’ve felt alone and scared and yes even suicidal at times. It’s like your words have texture that I feel with all my senses. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in feeling this way 💜
I'm speechless, thank you for finding the courage to share that, it means a lot to me.
You put it in word so well ...
Exactly
Beautifully said❤🙂
@@illneas I’m only speaking the truth. I had a full bottle of pain meds and a full bottle of Xanax. I did my homework and knew if I took them both they couldn’t revive me and that’s exactly when I saw your poem and video The Morning After I Killed Myself 😢 I kept watching it over and over and thinking about my two beloved cats and how would they be able to understand that I was no longer there to cuddle and spoil them. So I didn’t go through with it. I know people shower you with well deserved love and praise but I thought if you knew how deeply and profoundly you changed one person’s life you would understand that what you do is so much more than you may know. And when things get challenging for you to get outside and create your art you’ll know it’s your purpose and God gave you your heart and vision to heal and save people like me. I keep you close in my heart always ❣️
you. are. an. artist. illneas!
you made me cry... I feel that you wrote this from the deepest part of your heart.
thank you for being here. 💜
I agree 💖
Does he write these? I thought other people write them and he creates the video??
@@taliyahs1918 he wrote this one, not the others. maybe some that I forgot about or didn't watch.
@@taliyahs1918 some are written by him
I don't think I have enough words to describe how this poem made me feel. But I want you to know that this poem of yours gave a lost and tired soul the much needed will to get through life. Thank you.
Couldn't agree more
"I'm guarding my thin slice of paradise between old buildings and the dreams that never became true" This is just one of my favorite lines; from beginning to end this piece really touched so many emotions and conveyed many of my own thoughts, but with greater eloquence. Thank you🙂❤
I'm still lost
I'm still imperfect
I'm still here.
These three sentences have summed up my life till date . 😊
"the purpose of my life is limited by the painful beauty of my freedom
and exists because of it"
This really hit home🥺 this poem is literally a combo of all the thoughts I couldn't put to words
Adding my sloppy and imperfect philosophical insights, hehe
Wow a powerful title that I can deeply relate to. It's basically my life summed up in one sentence. I'm really looking forward to seeing this!
This is how I felt though out all of my 20's
Not sure what I did so great in this life or a past one to deserve this, but I'm so grateful to have found your channel! Your art in incredible, the words and how they're delivered, the beautiful visuals of the mundane, the music, all of it ❤ Thank you for sharing, it helps more than you know 😊
I think that unless we learn our karma will keep repeating.
I'm still lost, I'm still imperfect, I'm still here ❤❤
This really is an amazing piece of poetry. Keep going illneas ! You got a lot of talent buddy 💜
I can feel your words, kid with a camera. They strike fast and deep, in ways I didn't expect. Thank you
I'm still lost,
I'm still imperfect,
I'm still here.
This poem was beautiful. It reminded me of a lyric by Dave Malloy. "I was empty then and I'm empty now, but it's not the same at all."
not only what the hell is this video , but also more significantly what the hell is this description
I never thought I would find the perfect combination of feelings in one thing like in this channel
Powerful and beautiful
Brings me dawn in the middle of darkness
Its never you against the world
Its you against the mirror
I’m sure this will be a great one. Just like always ❤️
Giving the state of mind I'm in right now...this speaks volumes to me...it hurts so much and yet it conforts me...
I don't know you because I just found your account today but your words reached into that small wound in my heart I so shamelessly try to hide. The impact of your words will be a reminder for me to keep taking a step forward, even if it means taking two steps back. It's all in the process of life. Thank you
This is so so so beautiful and relatable to me. I wish you would see how incredible you are and how you change people’s lives every single day. A couple weeks ago i was feeling extremely suicidal because my bpd was hell and my eating disorder too, so i was just suffocating and youtube recommended your video “The day after i killed myself” to me. It made me change my perspective and i’m still here now, so thank you ❤️
Hope you are feeling better 👍🏻
Hope you are feeling better, and thank you for your kind words.
pls get better. i have bpd and the death of my father triggers it. but like the poem said..im still here.
I am speechless. I can't believe how you could perfectly describe these feelings that I'm so used to. Thank you.
"I'm the sum total of my mistakes" this hurts me but it's so true, exactly how I feel. Thank you for your sweet and deep poems!
PS: The cats in all your videos are always so cute and adorable, maybe cats teach us about love
thank you for your kind words and I love cats
This comment struck me with, “I shouldn’t hate myself.” I hate myself a lot right now and whats been keeping me from ending it all is that I, don’t wanna leave this world yet. There’s still so much for me to do, I can’t end it all because I hate myself too much. I may hate myself but that doesn’t mean nobody loves me. People still love me even if I think otherwise. If I didn’t exist there would be so many people affected by it, and not only that but I still have so much to live for. So even though I hate myself, I’m not staying on this world for me. I’m staying on this world for the people that love me. The people that showed me care in my darkest times. 😢 thanks for making this. It really has a special place in my heart. 🥲
I‘m sure you’re like an angel. You have a purpose. You’re bringing messages to the people in your own unique way and it’s amazing.
This actually strikingly reflects my state of mind in the past few years, but more so in the past 2 months. Almost all your poems feel like a page out of my life. Gives me feel of hand holding though difficult and lonely times, where life as I knew it doesn't exist. And yet there are slivers of warmth, happiness and positive energy that find their way to me. Your posts are some of them. In a world of abandonment, uncertainty and anger, they come in gently soothing like cool breeze.
And the Cats.. that they are so reassuringly Present in most of the visuals, it feels like a Purr in my heart.
At my age, that is a Lot; especially in the life choice i have made 2 months ago, it keeps my faith alive. Keeping my paradise alive and beautiful.
Aww. Hope you’re doing well.
Illneas..people with your mind-set, similar to my own, are usually the most creative because we feel each emotion with such depth & passion👍👍👍
Your thoughts are very deep. Your words beckon me to plunge into my own depths of despair to feel them and I love it. Your work is potent. "I am the face your subconscious will use to populate a dream" this line gave me chills. You keep it real brother, you are not alone. However, you are one of the few who can articulate their thoughts with such passion. What's natural is imperfect and that's what makes it beautiful.
It is so beautiful to be able to relate so strongly to such few words
Thank you illneas 💕🌼
oh god...this reached in and tugged at my soul..your words spoke the words that i dont have the courage to tell others.i hide in my silence...thankyou...i have tears in my eyes ..i.dont feel so alone.
i feel you.. im a conundrem within myself. what a difficult place to be
Thank you. I hear and feel your words and I'm safe. Thank you.
This is literally my life
"sum total of my mistakes".."still lost" and still here.
I am the sum total of my mistakes..
How do you put those feelings into words so flawlessly.
This is amazing 👍🏻
I feel your words. Deeply and strongly. I hope you feel that too. Don't numb the feelings. Set them free.
Such a lovely poem! Such elegance.. the words, the visuals and the music.
Bless you.. Boy with the Camera !
'I want to make beautiful things, even if nobody cares.'
- Saul Bass
Really felt this song..... Every day is a struggle if it wasn't for you I'd be more lost then I ammm
I was crying late night on my birthday (sep 18) , thinking this same shit
and now youtube recommended me this
shit's relatable af, keep it up man
That's beautiful.
I feel the same and I’m 62. Thank you for this video. Your work helps me know I’m not alone in my loneliness nor my thinking. You are loved and appreciated by me. Thank you again for what you do. Sometimes I miss your post and it’s a treat to go find them. :) 🙏🏻💕
Hope you are doing better 👍🏻
"I'm the face you ignored today, that your unconscious mind will use to populate a dream. "
That hit deep.
These make me cry, for many different reasons...
I love your work, voice, shooting, the emotions you put to your work.. it’s always professional and complete.. thank you🥰
At this point, I'm honestly grateful for your existence. The fact that I can relate to every word scares me, but in a good way tho.
You're such a beautiful soul and I hope I could meet you in person one day.
Never lose your flame and always be yourself. Thank you so much for everything❤️
this line
"And if you can feel my words you might help me defeat my loneliness"
hits me so much!!!
God bless you my brother.
Wow,this is amazingly powerful and moving!! I will be looking up more of your videos,thank you for speaking from the soul. God Bless 🙏
Beautifully written.
This made me feel like a lot needed gasp of air, like a long forgotten walk on the nights streets of Thessaloniki. This city has a special feeling to it and I had almost forgotten it until I saw this video. I am really happy to find artist like you. Don't be afraid, just do what feels right
That's so sweet of you, thank you ^^
To put it simply: beauty incarnate. Thank you, my friend. You are a beautiful being, truly.
This poem.. speaks absolute volumes to my soul
We're all still here. With you.
I hate myself and i am even here... I am all alone from 22 years ... And I am still here... Something I am proud of... Because I still here and I survive... A normal /happy people don't understand the meaning of this single line 〰 I m lost I m imperfect and still here
So beautiful ❤
Beautiful, thank you for sharing ❤️🩹 🙏🏻
This is Amazing 👌🏼
"I'm guarding my thin slice of paradise between old buildings
and the dreams that never became true".
I didn't think that in one sigh at these words I would hear so many screams. Goodnight, illneas.
Maybe you are still here because you have a journey to go.... A journey to self-love ...... I hope 🍀
Every frame of the vedio was telling me the perspective to find beauty in ordinary. Maybe its just that this very approach is needed to see perfection in imperfection. 🌸
You are a gem, thank you so much for all your art ❤
Loved this one.
im still here
even through i hate myself
because
the courage in my heart will always be a paradox
I love that you speak the words in my mind that I don't know how to say, or even right. Yes, I'm imperfect, just like everyone else in this world. Thank you for existing.
This is beautiful and so raw. The music, the voice and the visuals fit so well together. Thank you for sharing this piece of work!
this is amazing and I love the poems you share but this one especially is my favorite
I did something yesterday that I could never do to anyone. I used someone really close to me to forget someone I just lost. I saw my true colours yesterday and realised how truly fucked up I am. I was going crazy for losing that person but that isn’t an excuse. I hate myself for that and I dont think I can forgive myself after that. I never treat people that way but I used that person in every way just to forget. I’m scared of what the coming days would show me about myself. It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.
The part at 1:35 was the punch in the gut for me. This whole poem perfectly describes just about my entire existence. Thank you Illneas for your work and for just being here and being you. Its comforting.
Thankyou so much for this :)
The Titel discribes my life /('-')/
Thank you!
And you are not alone
Wow...im speechless...
Why are your poems so amazing ??!!
And so grateful you, with all of your beautiful imperfections, are here because you are so dearly loved. This is amazingly beautiful as are all of your gifts. Blessings friend. ❤🤘🙏
Here we have an imperfectly perfect artist! You create art! And it is beautiful! I loved the poem and i loved the tone that it has❤ we will be supportive to you now and on!
Real person isn't perfect and perfect person isn't real....
Your videos and writings are awesome U write the words I can't say my feelings u write what souls feel....I am an introvert and poet but in my native language(urdu)....I can say u that simply u r awesome 😊💓💓💓
His eyes have got so weary of the bars
going by, they can’t grasp anything else.
He feels like there’s a thousand bars,
a thousand bars and no world beyond.
I can feel your words....
This is so beautiful.
I love it already❤️❤️
you feel imperfect , great ! U're human
How accurate!
Like Wilt Chamberlain the basketball player said once;
“They say that nobody is perfect.”
“It really hurts to say it but we are people we suck at something or everything.”
I just realized the videos are filmed in the city i live in. That's cool!
Nobody can write such kind of poem
Showing our vulnerabilities
Weakness
Deeper feelings
Anxiety
Fear
Being valueless
But You!
You wrote this poem
I want to say you
You voiced inner feelings
Excellently written
And video graphy is best as always
"I'm the face you ignored today, that your unconscious mind will use to populate a dream". This hurts
You are special. YOU are a saviour! Look at all these people that you're saving, you're a super hero. The world needs you here, I need you here, because you fill a sadness in me like no other person or thing can. You're words are my saviour
Did not plan on crying today
This is so goood!❤💕
Went straight to my heart mate🗣💔❤
This is so beautiful ❤️
OMG, this is so beautiful! 🤍🖤
Wow!
Words manifest, Instead of i am lost , i am searching, instead of I'm imperfect , I am perfect the way I am.... I understand your premise , but it's time to speak better words and thoughts into your existence. 💙🤘🏻
Can't live until you die,
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive - LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL - SIXX AM
You give me hope thank you . I love you starseed ❤
Because the courage in my heart will always be a paradox.❣
It's so relatable so true so sad so me
Here we go!
You’re my hero
*”If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”* - Maya Angelou
Love from a small channel💙