when a story teller tells you over a dozen times that they can’t get a court order then a bunch of Redditors who don’t read or understand how the law works keeps saying “get a court ordered paternity!!” like, c’mon
Even lawyers respond with "am a lawyer, not your lawyer" and acknowledge local laws differ and vary sometimes wildly between jurisdictions. The real victim is the girl whose been lied to her entire life. The ex was unhinged and clearly trying to baby trap OP, and failed. If paternity shows OP isn't the dad, that's either gonna lead to a conspiracy about fake DNA results, or the girl will spiral questioning where she came from. Doubtful the ex will ever admit who the girl's real dad is. If OP is shown to be the dad, yes, he missed out on over a decade of building a relationship, but that falls back to, if the ex knew beyond all doubt he was the father, she'd have taken the girl for a paternity test immediately and then been able to shout on public corners what a deadbeat OP was. But she refused anything that could equally prove she was a fraud and liar.
In fairness, in most jurisdictions, there are ways to compel a paternity test in such circumstances, but laws are not universal. So some of those people may have been speaking from experience, but falsely assuming that their experience applied to OP as well, when obviously, it does not. And it's very likely OP does actually have legal recourse to compel a paternity test, but that doesn't mean it's always in his best interest to do so. There could simply be significant, costly or potentially self-injurious hurdles to that in his jurisdiction. What those redditors need to remember is that laws are established to serve the needs of society en masse, not the individual. Sometimes the individual is just fucked, lol. OP is a military man, and as one commentor pointed out, I think his ex is using her child as a means to dip into his pension and benefits. Protracted litigation is NEVER good for service members. There might be a viable resolution for most people, but if it takes a year to settle and he is unable to be deployed in that time, the damage to his career and advancement prospects could far outweigh the benefits of going through that process. And honestly, the kid might still actually be his. He was on assignment for 8 weeks, she was 5 weeks pregnant. But conception date estimates can easily be +/- 3 weeks, it's not an exact science. Unless she was counting precisely from her last period, depending on when that was, he's still in the range where it's plausible. But of course, that doesn't explain her refusal of a paternity test. "It's insulting...", well, he already asked, so that ship has sailed, lol. And the results would be confidential, and he's already saying he's not the father to anyone who will listen, so there's nothing to be gained by denying the test, it saves neither pride or reputation. I think his ex doesn't actually know who the father is at all. The townies around military bases are notorious for indulging in a diverse smorgasbord of cock, lol. She has no clue who the father is, but I'm betting if a pension is on the line, as OP implied, she knew even then he was a career man and picking him as the daddy came with better benefits than her other suitors. There's also the potential she does know who the father is and is protecting that guy. If OP is a career man, he likely has rank. What if the father was one of his subordinates, or friends, or higher than him in command? Or maybe the real father is slipping her money under the table for support, and she's trying to double-dip? There are a lot of reasons she would stone-wall a paternity test, and since he's not legally recognized as the father, he has limited options, and she knows how to work the system.
I did gentle parenting as an uncle who watched my brothers kids regularly. I would give time outs and talks. It worked for us, and I was not a parent, but close. I'm not 100% against corporal punishment, but view it as a "in extreme circumstances" kind of thing. Fortunately nothing ever came up that I deemed as requiring corporal punishment. (Moments with the chance for extreme bodily harm to someone)
Final Story: Any given "style" of parenting will always have two things in common. Acknowledging a child's choice/actions, and implementing a consequence. Consequence is mostly used in a negative context, but a consequence is merely the result of an action. Providing positive consequences for positive choices and actions is JUST as much of an important part of parenting as negative consequences for negative choices and actions. Without a proper reaction to an action, it sets up a child to think that there will never be a reaction. This is why many of the kids raised by overly permissive/pushover parents end up in trouble with the law. Redirecting and correcting negative choices and actions are IMPERATIVE to a child's moral development, as well as associating positive choices and actions with positive outcomes.
Story two sounds fake to me, how does a 17 year old make 9 k in 4 months mowing lawns?!? Thats literally full time hours for 4 months at $15 an hour, IF you didnt pay taxes. And saved every fucking penny. The math sounds like its coming from someone who has never worked lmao
No matter how the story is told or how cut and dry it is to see how bad the woman is there is always at least one person on reddit who's going to twist the story in her favor.
Story 1: she cheated on Op and got pregnant is bad, but the fact she tried to make Op the father but won’t do a test to try to prove Ops the father is downright wrong.
@@jamegumb7298 Courts will use any excuse to get the man to pay, because they have an incentive to, they get their cut off the top. Child support is legalized extortion. Family court is one of the most lucrative businesses for the government.
@@smorphous8928 The guy's telling lies when you're in a military.You can be overseas and they take friends and family overseas girlfriends overseas wife's overseas and so on You do get a break. Let a soldier get burned out and it's not good for other people. The guy knows it's his child. That's why he don't want to take the test. And that's why he got a restraining order. It's very easy to make someone look like they're nuts.
@@rico2119 what are you basing that off? Just assuming he's lying about everything? Bc the only info we know is that he was not there for the child's conception and repeatedly asked for a paternity test and the MOTHER refused, not that he refused. So are you just assuming he's in the wrong and pretending all the details that don't match are lies? Also, just bc its possible for her to visit while he's on leave doesn't mean she did, that proves absolutely nothing.
I am 100% sure that the friend who was the only one who was not in ops side and refused to budge and change his opinion by and said that charity couldn't be used as a legal cudgel like that was the true father and affair partner of ops cheating ex
I am 100% sure that the friend who was the only one not on OP's side, who refused to budge and insisted that charity couldn't be used as a legal cudgel, was the true father and affair partner of OP's cheating ex.
Yep that’s what I assume lol 🤣 he was a bit too interested in it and didn’t even argue it had to be his but quickly got out of it when he said why don’t you take her in and help her.
Story one is a great example of never take law advice from Reddit because redditors think if they use one Google search their armchair lawyer or you tell them about your psychological problems there an armchair psychologist
I came here to say the exact same thing. The problem with Redditors is that they tend to think about things from an emotional POV. It's just so obvious that so many of these people don't live in the real world.
@@SnowyWolborg the two things Twitter and Reddit got in common is that the ppl that use them almost never gat information right and they get hyperly emotional over every topic
The guy is wrong. When u have a test done, it doesn't work for 5 weeks u wouldn't be able to tell after 8 week he the dad It is a military. He can get a blood test done. He just don't want to be the father. You don't want to pay back child support? He's a dead beat. When you're pregnant, they go. By the last period you only find out how many weeks you are. When you have a ultrasound, you can't find out if Some ladies, they have their period 4 months pregnant. The guy's telling a lie, "You can always ask for a paternity test." The state wants that child support the was made from a AL story
@@rico2119 this guy literaly said if she gets the test done and if its his he will pay and co parent. The Mother had 15 fucking years to do that and coukd have gotten her way but the possibility of him not being the father is big enough that she doesnt incase he isnt the father and then she cant call him a deadbeat anymore.
@@rico2119 she’s not on state support so he can’t get dna because he’s not on the birth certificate and he’s a stranger to the child so he can’t ask for dna without the narrassist mom
@@rico2119except the mother is the one not allowing a paternity test. why would you not allow the one thing that would FORCE op to pay child support? because it's the one thing that would FORCE her to stop harassing op because she's LYING. if someone killed my brother and I had video evidence of who did it clear as day, why would I refuse to show it to the court? because I am the one who killed my brother. same with the mother. she knows the paternity test will damn her and prove her wrong that's why she says it's "insulting". because that's the only excuse she can come up with for not taking the test
S1: the not-daughter approaches the 9 year old son at the zoo and says she's his big sister?!?? This is a method used by child trafficking rings. This is disturbing as all hell. That girl needs to be taken far away from her mother and OP, and given A LOT of therapy in a facility.
@@classicrockkid345 I watch enough crime dramas and dateline. People who have been kidnapped and trafficked have said this was how they remembered being taken away. The person or people who took them claimed to be family or they claimed to know their family and were asked to pick them up. It's not just traffickers, just people wanting to kidnap kids in general. It's why many schools have such strict pick up rules.
@@develyntwocentshenderson5739 You really haven't. I've seen it in action done properly cuz it's how me and my sister were raised. Honestly, it's not all that different what most people think of as parenting it's just got a slightly different mindset. The goal is encourage the behavior you want rather than stop the behavior you don't. Teaching kids to use their inside voices rather than yelling at them to be quiet. When done right there are absolutely still consequences, but the consequences are designed to promote the behavior you want. Toys need to be picked up? Challenge the kids to a race to see who can pick up the most toys. Kids are running around and being too noisy after you've asked them to calm down and use their inside voices? Time for a time out to sit in the corner and settle down a bit. Every kid is different so methods will vary, but that's the basic idea. It does also involve talking to your kids about why they behaved the way they did so you can understand their feelings and then talk about what they should do the next time they feel that way. It's really effective at teaching kids to regulate their emotions as they get older and punishments don't feel arbitrary which promotes trust between parent and child so when you tell them something they're more inclined to listen. However it is super hard. It requires a lot of time, a crap ton of patience, and good judgement on what consequence is appropriate for the particular behavior you're trying to correct. This is why a lot of parent's are failing at this method. The mother in this story failed in every way.
@@SapphWolf Thank you! It is so easy tro just yell or hit a kid or talk about PUNISHMENT, PUNISHMENT. Punishment is NEVER as effective as putting the time and energy into doing as this above commenter says, and it has to be consistently done every single time, but the payoffs are far better. When you hit a kid you have lost control, period, and it is bullying in the first degree. Hit someone smaller and with no power to get your way, even if that way if to just stop bad behavior. I don't even like that word, punishment. You know that old saying, "you win more flies with sugar than vinegar". It's an old saying because it's true. Even if I don't want to when any flies, it's the metaphor that counts.
@@SapphWolf agreed, also had parents who were mostly gentle parents, especially for boomers. My parents did use spanking, but legit 3-5 times my entire life.
@@ImmerGenau2624 My mom was very against spanking because she used to be spanked as a kid and she never felt like it ever taught her anything other than to not get caught. However, when they would do something like send her to her room or make her sit in a corner instead, her mom would sit her down before they would start and talk to her about *why* her actions were hurtful and why they needed to had consequences. Then she'd spend the whole time having to think about what her mom said and she almost never repeated the behavior a second time. My mom's family had 10 kids total. All of them got spanked. None of them spanked their own kids so I'm pretty sure they all had a similar sentiments.
"If you keep stealing and destroying my stuff there will be consequences." "Okay, bet." "Okay, so I just won $13k off you, are those consequences enough for you to understand?" Good on OP and his dad, sure hope they both got away from OP's mom and sister.
Let me give my honest opinion. The mother hate it that she got a boy when she was pregnant with him but when she got pregnant a second time and was enjoyed as she was having a girl. That's when she started hating and disliking her son because he is male. I hope that the father divorces his wife and disown the daughter and that will be the end of that
Gentle parenting only works around the 5-year mark. After that you need to be very patient with your kid and sometimes do timeout. Because timeout is not a violent nor aggressive way to teach your kids how to behave. All that I hear is that she wants to be as lazy as possible
Exactly. There are actual punishments in gentle parenting. I do what is considered gentle parenting now but even I do punishments where they are warranted. My boys know how to behave and what is crossing the line.
My “sisters” went through the same thing with my father. Their mother told them that my dad, was their dad. Back then the court would put the claimed father on the birth certificate if he didn’t show up to court. He didn’t show up. It was ridiculous. One of the sisters would contact my family and eventually me over the years. Well, she ended up doing a DNA kit and found out that her mother had lied to her. Neither her or her sister are my dads’ biological children.
I wish she had taken the test. 5 weeks isn't the time from conception, it's the time from the first missed period, so technically, it could be ops daughter, but it would be a suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper long shot, and a lot would have to have lined up perfect. Her absolute refusal to do any test is what makes it almost nil
Story 2: big props to dad for having his sons back and putting those two in their place. Story 3: those kids are gonna fuck up big time some day, and mom and dad won’t be able to “talk out their feelings”, then those kids will resent them for not getting away with it.
Seriously. Gentle parenting is a actual technique. That's not gentle parenting. That's lazy parenting. Talking to the kids about their feelings is the first step, not the only step
ANY woman who considers a paternity test "insulting" or "you don't trust me" or "you're insecure" she's always a cheater and the child isn't yours. ALWAYS. Only cheating women would deny this.
Especially in this kind of situation. If anyone was actually insulted by being asked for a paternity test, I'm sure they'd take that test just to prove the father of the baby wrong.
@@bored_boar I watched a video that had a story like that. The S.O. of OP was offended, but had the test done. Turns out, OP was just like his own father... He ran out of ink, as his mom and dad got busy after OP moved out, and when he and his wife went to visit OP's family, each sibling had slightly less melanin than the last, with OP being the darkest, and I THINK, the youngest Sister? being the lightest.
That's not gentle parenting, that's negligent parenting. It's a lack of parenting. Gentle parenting involves -rather than punishing kids- teaching them the consequences of their actions; eg if a toddler spills something they clean up after themselves, or if they draw on the walls, they clean up the walls themselves. They learn that walls are not supposedto be drawn on and the consequence is they have to clean them if they draw on them. There's still a punishment but it's directly correlated to rhe crime... It is a direct consequence of their actions. What the mom in the third story is doing is not parenting at all.
I was about to say this. Gentle parenting doesn't mean being a door mat and letting your own kids walk all over you. there's still discipline in the form of stern-talking-to, etc.
YEAH this is just permissive parenting. Ur right, parenting is usually redirecting the behavior and giving a consequence actually relative to the crime Op still doesn’t seem understand the difference though
“Don’t EVER pull a dogs tail or their fur! That is TERRIBLE behavior!” Boom! You’re done. If they say another word say “go eff yourself with your “I refuse to parent my kids” parenting style.
Sister doesn't have a clue what gentle parenting is... She's actually trying to fix her own childhood trauma by giving them the "freedom & support" she feels she needed as a child.
All I'm picturing for the 3rd story is that the passive parents are Ned Flander's parents when they say "We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas."
Story 1: If this is real, i feel like we are gonna get a story down the line from Emma saying " My deranged mother lied to me my whole life about my father, so i cut ties with her. Now she is begging to reconnect."
There is all kinds of discipline, just have to find the one to suit your child. I got some good advice from a few friends who had great kids. All of them advised not letting them get away with anything in those early years. Now we had a couple years where he was on restriction alot, but after that when he had rules down he was rarely in trouble the rest of his childhood. We used restriction on a favorite toy, time outs didnt work well and I really didnt ever want to hit or spank him because I didnt want to teach him to be physically violent when mad or upset.
For the last story, thats not gentle parenting thats no parenting. I dont get why people keep confusing the two. Gentle parenting is just not physically and mentally abusing your child and giving them reasonable consequences and guidance, the bar is literally on the floor and people still keep jumping in other directions.
Gentle parenting doesnt mean no consequences. It means prioritizing learning respect for yourself and others. My parents never once punished or rewarded me with anything physical. If i did something bad they explained to me what i did wrong, why it was hurtful, and why i shouldn't do it. If i did something good, they told me they loved me and were proud of me. When i carved up my dresser with a knife there were reasonable and immediate consequences, that helped me learn to respect my own and other peoples property. You should not beat kids, but never giving any consequences or discipline is just as bad. Treat your kids with respect, teach them to be respectful, kind, and thoughtful, and youll never need to deal with this
Listen I am not a parent and currently not planning to be I’ve seen a few gentle parenting influences before , and simply that’s not it From my understanding, gentle parenting is not finding the Children acting like that bc it may be because they’re frustrated are simply not aware that what they are doing is a bad thing Like it’s good and dandy that you ask them about their feelings, but you also have to tell them that what they are doing is wrong The first time I get it, they don’t know and whatever but not trying any discipline is a form of abuse
As the people in the post comments said this is not gentle parenting as gentle parenting DOES have consequences we just don't hit or yell at our kids and we encourage the good behavior we also sit down and talk to them so they know what they did wrong and why it's wrong then give an actual appropriate consequence basically the only difference is we don't make our own kids fear us or end up needing therapy because mommy and daddy gave them psychological damage
I'm glad you didn't back down and held your ground. Graduation dates are indeed fixed and can't be changed, whereas weddings can be rescheduled. Prioritizing a one-time graduation over a wedding is the right call, and your sister's actions were undeniably selfish. The parents definitely need to reassess their favoritism and address the behavior they've enabled.
The problem with ‘gentle parenting’ is that small children have almost no critical thinking skills. So asking them how they feel and redirecting with no punishment is doomed to failure.
The problem is, that a lot of people do it wrong (like in this story) and it gives gentle parenting a bad rap. Kid drew on the wall? They clean it up, it's a natural consequence to their actions. You don't yell and scream and give a 4 week grounding of everything because they did it, you talk to them about why it's wrong and make them clean it up.
@@catlady9123 I was specifically addressing the parenting in this version of gentle parenting. However, I also don’t agree with tiny punishments for doing wrong things. Cleaning the wall would be a great teaching tool… if what they drew can actually get cleaned off. Many times kids will do things that can’t simply be cleaned up. You don’t have to scream at them and excessively punish them. That’s as bad as too little punishment. But the punishment should be measured against what they did and the damage that occurred.
What catlady said. My boys put a hole in the wall once. They had to help do the patch. They have chores around the house even. Some nights it means no desserts because they didn't listen. Sometimes the consequences deliver themselves. Don't want to listen to mom and dad about not running on the slippery tile floor? Sorry you fell, glad you're okay but I bet it hurt enough to fall that you won't do it again.
You realise kids eventually grow into adults, though? Gentle parenting is built largely on preparing kids to be well rounded, emotionally stable adults capable of indepent thinking; natural consequences do that well because it's the exact same as they grow. Kid makes a mess, they have to clean it up, just as an adult would have to if they made a mess. They truly learn and internalise that their actions have consequences. 'Punishments' on the other hand are a short term answer for the long term act of raising a child, because they just aren't something that transfers well to adult life. All they teach is that the child's actions will result in consequences being levied against them by an outside force, and what happens when that outside force is no longer there? How many people do you know with strict parents who went off the deep end the second they were out from their parents' control, as a comparison?
@@CoRLex-jh5vx In my opinion, neither corporal punishment nor gentle parenting is the way to go. There should be a healthy fear of consequences. This doesn’t mean you have to beat your kids, or even spank them. But a consequence that’s meaningful to them is often appropriate. Losing privileges, etc. I’m going to reiterate that it’s not always (or even usually) as easy as “kid makes mess, kid cleans mess”. If that was the long and short of parenting, we’d have no need of family therapy and few bad parents, because that’s easy. But often kids destroy things. Sometimes there’s hitting involved. All manner of bad behaviors. I’m fairly sensitive to physical abuse of children, because I was beaten regularly as a child and young teen. It only stopped when I finally got big enough to defend myself. My mother hit me in the face so many times, I couldn’t even begin to count. I’m not arguing for that kind of parenting at all. But a stern talk often fails to make any noticeable change. Punishments are necessary.
Stern talking to and cleaning the mess is a rational thing to do. What other than that? It's the thing people face their whole life. It's taking responsibility.
You technically don't need parental permission to get an over-the-counter DNA test have you ever met the girl he could just say hey do you want to try and take this test with me and see if I am your dad.
On the first story, if the "daughter" ever shows up around the dad like she did with the son, he should have a DNA testing kit on hand at home. Explain it to her and tell her to spit in a cup (if not willing to do a swab), and if she turns out to be his, he will take responsibility for her and be her father. I'd also say this could have happened from the beginning, but the mom always fought it. Maybe she should ask mom about that.
OP is not correct about gentle/responsive parenting not having any consequences. Natural consequences include not being allowed to do something because of a choice they made like not doing their chores or making an unsafe choice when playing. Talking about feelings and redirection is included, but mostly for the parent to differentiate whether a consequence is actually helpful or if there's something else going on (ex. doing poorly on a test because they didn't feel like studying vs they're having genuine difficulty in the class. The first case can be solved with a consequence, but the second case would need a different intervention, like a tutor). From my understanding, the type of gentle parenting described in OP's comment section would also fall under permissive parenting, unless OP misunderstood the comments. I know a lot of people are thrown off by the term "gentle" parenting, which is why I personally prefer to call it "responsive" parenting, since they're both names for the same parenting style. Responsive parenting describes it better to me: the parenting, including consequences, are a response to both the behavior and why the behavior occurred. Sorry for the long post, I'm very passionate about this subject since both my mom and boyfriend were victims of physical and psychological child abuse by moms who genuinely loved their children and thought they were doing right by hitting them and telling them how useless they were when they did the slightest thing wrong, and I've seen the negative consequences it has had on both of them as adults. I've seen gentle/responsive parenting used to great effect by former child abuse victims who want to break the cycle of abuse with their own children but haven't ever seen how to discipline without violence. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk i guess
People really don't know what gentle parenting is, they just don't parent I swear. Telling a kid to stop isn't discipline! Real parenting would be they leave entirely... after they clean everything up. You say "What feelings" THEN ALWAYS "What are we going to do next time? Whats going to happen if you dont?" Then you hold yourself and them to it. Eg drawing on the walls? what are you going to do next time? Cool and what happens if you don't? We don't get to come back to Aunties house anymore. And we leave right away.
RE: "Gentle Parenting" What a crock of shit, lol. Maybe it works with some kids, it probably does. But if there was one effective parenting style that worked universally, don't you think humanity would have figured it out thousands of years ago? No, it was just discovered recently by a mommy-blogger with a self-published book, what good fortune we have to be born in the exact age this discovery was made, lol. There IS some legitimacy to some of those techniques, but it seems they're being egregiously misapplied and misunderstood. First, kids do respond well to learning that negative actions have negative consequences. That's an essential life skill. A parent's whole job is to prepare their children to function in the world, and this is exactly how the world functions, whether you like it or not. Not preparing them for this reality is to fail as a parent. Around the age of 11-12, most kids stop responding well to punitive actions. Punishments no longer work well, the kids just get better at not getting caught next time, lol. You do have to change your approach then. Here's a good time for a "gentle" approach, after they have developed a sense of empathy and accountability (and not a moment before). Take the classic scenario: Your kid was bullying another kid in class, along with their friends. Ask them why they did it... "I don't know" or "Because they started it" are NOT valid answers, the question is why they chose that specific action, out of all possible actions in that scenario. If they give you that answer, they're not ready for the "gentle" approach yet, bring on the punishment, lol. If they're a little more self-aware (and they should be by that age), they might respond with "Because my friends were", indicating they just wanted validation from their friends. Now you ask them if there are other ways they might get that validation without harming others. Make them answer, don't feed them the answers. And you come up with a plan based on that knowledge. Maybe it's as simple as making a point of complimenting their friends each day. That will make them even more liked than simply being a dick alongside their friends. So you set a goal, they need to give three people a compliment every day for 6 months. If they fail to comply or lie about doing it, then back to punishment because they're still too immature for a gentler approach. It's not that you eliminate consequences. It's that rather than being purely punitive, you make the consequences directly address and remediate the underlying incentive for the bad behavior. It's not about making the "punishment fit the crime" so much as it is attacking the behavior, not the child. That takes some thought and creativity, and every kid will respond differently, so there's no "one-size-fits-all" approach. The principle is universal, the implementation is not. Then there are "Natural Consequences". Slap the dog, but if the dog bites you, don't come crying to me, I hope you don't bleed out, but you wanted to fuck around and find out, and so you have. You don't protect them from natural consequences. You can warn against it and explain your reasoning, but you don't fight their battles for them, and you don't fix their mistakes. Failure to foresee an outcome does not inherently make you innocent of wrongdoing, it doesn't make you a victim or worthy of sympathy. You should have been smarter. Spent this week's lunch money on a video game? Here's some white bread and tap water, I'll deduct it from next week's allowance. You don't usually need to impose consequences, they happen by default in most situations. But they need to face those consequences all the same, and learn to make decisions with them in mind. That's the whole point.
Story 1: Get 2 separate ROs, 1 for OP and 1 for OP's son, but with different start dates. Renew the first one while the second one is still in effect. Not perfect, but adds a complication for her to deal with, and adds the possibility of her violating an active order.
Story 1: That woman is an issue. If she can get back-pay, that's probably the objective. Story 2: Makes sense. The mother has issues and the daughter is raised to have issues. The "Am I the jerk?" question just demands more sympathy. Don't try that anymore. Story 3: The sister is in the wrong.
Story 2: The kid won a judgement, that does not mean he got his money back. You can't take money from people who have none. And how did he prove to the court that his sister was the guilty party? And why is the mom the only parent that is liable? If the sister is under 18 that would make both parents liable for actions. Story 2 doesn't make sense.
3rd story: that is not gentle parenting, that is enabling. Two completely different things. It’s also not just letting kids get away with anything. I don’t think either OP or Allison understand what gentle parenting is. OP is NTA.
Either the 2nd story is fake, or wherever OP got that PC from scammed him, or those $ are not USD Even pre-built with the best possible hardware, you’re not reaching 5k USD
hey we dont know each other but i hope ur doing well and I wanna say that GOD still loves u and wants u to be with him all u must do is trust in Jesus (dying for our sins on the cross) and repent of ur sins. GOD loves u more than u can imagine.🎉🎉❤❤❤
There are four weeks in each month, times two months, is eight weeks. It can sometimes take as much as a week or two for a pregnancy to take, from the time sex occurs, and the tests that determine how far along a mom-to-be is, can also be off by as much as a week or two. So it's not mathematically impossible for the baby to be OP's in the first story, but it IS improbable. So, OP's a smart man, then: Being willing to step up if she can prove its his, because it *could be,* but demanding proof first, because it's not likely. Having said all that, your pride is not worth going without child support for fifteen years. The only reason I can think of for her to keep insisting against a paternity test, is that she knows it's NOT his.
You know story 2 is fake when they instantly fast tracked the sueing process. The biggest give away at that point is that they mentioned they had to tell the court about the favouritism the little sister recieved. Courts dont give a fuck about that, a lawyer would never use that information. All that matters is if you can prove the sister damaged property, courts dont rule in feelings, its only a matter of what can be proven and what the law dictates the repercussions are. Feeling bears no weight, but OP seems to think you can go into a court room and say “ill prove to you my sister was the golden child”. They dont give a fuck, that doesn’t matter. Obviously it never happened lmao
Gentle parenting is a waste kids need to be punished when they do something wrong I'm not saying abuse them but they need to be given stability not coddling
Last story I don’t think I could have those feral kids in my house if they don’t have any discipline. Hell nooooo they would be banned. I can’t stand such children 😒
Story 2 NTA but your sister is ridiculous there was also the big craze of attachment parenting, but one of the funniest as in ludicrous about it in the UK we have the programme ‘This Morning’ and about 10 years ago Peaches Geldoff was arguing how great it was for mother and child against Katie Hopkins yet the more recent comments were about how she wasn’t that great a parent as she lay dead with the two kids left alone after taking heroin for over 17 hours.
My brother has a son with his ex. She claimed the baby wasn't his during pregnancy, but when her new boyfriend left her suddenly claimed it was after she gave birth. She put my brother on the birth certificate and demanded no contact but alot of child support. He said sure, with a paternity test. She went to court saying he refused to pay. Court scheduled a custody/support hearing. Before that hearing my brother went and requested a test. He was told no, she had to request it. He said he was on the birth certificate as the father he should be able to get a test. They said no because she was still technically married to her ex husband (at the tail end of a divorce) so any child she had, in the eyes of the state, were her and his responsibility so they were the only ones who could request a test and her ex refused to have anything to do with it since the boy wasn't biologically his. My bro had to wait until after the first hearing for the judge to demand a test cuz he said hed love to be in his sons life, if it's his son. She out it off until the last day and the only reason she finally did the test was cuz the judge said if she didn't then my bro would be free of support and she'd be held in contempt
OP should get a dna family history thing like 23&me, then offer one to the girlas a birthday present. That way, it can be done without courts involved. If they are related, it would show on the results, and it would be up to the kid herself.
story 3: thats not gentle parenting. gentle parenting still has discipline... there are still consequences.. you can still confiscate someting important to them or force them to clean after themselves, yell at them a bit, etc.... THEN thats when you have the conversation. Then you ask them "You realize this isnt appropriate behavior, right? What happened to make you feel that this was the best way to go about doing it this way? Is there anything that either you or we as parents can do to make sure this doesnt happen again?" etc. Its all about managing your children and teaching them right from wrong and that actions have consequences; without abusing them.
All the rededit replies that suggest suing for defamation or slander, don't actually know what defamation or slander is and how hard it is to prove in court
people will make a post on reddit titled "i hired the best lawyer in the world who looked throgh every single law in every single subject and he cant find a solution what should i do" and the geniuses over on reddit will unironically say "get a lawyer and file a court order" it doesnt fucking work that way. if it were that easy I'd be a millionaire because i got a court order for a million dollars.
The gentle parenting op does have a point but he comes off kind of smug and self-righteous. Again he's in the right for this that behavior should not be tolerated but clearly he has his own opinions on parenting
The third story: gentle parenting isn't let your children run wild. It's true that we have to listen to our children, let them voice out their feelings, but that doesn't mean let them ruin something or harras a pet. That's neglet, period
I didn't grow up with either punishment or lax parenting. That's how my siblings raise their kids too, just set rules and boundaries when needed, tell them no when they do something wrong, etc. Kids learn.
S2: it sounds like dad tried to be a firm hand in sister's life but her mom wouldn't let it happen. OP is definitely NTA because it sounds like mom doesn't care about him at all and would be fine if it was just her, husband, and daughter. S3: gentle parenting is no parenting. you are not supposed to be their friend. you are their parent which means teaching them consequences for their actions. you can be their friend after they are adults but not before
when a story teller tells you over a dozen times that they can’t get a court order then a bunch of Redditors who don’t read or understand how the law works keeps saying “get a court ordered paternity!!” like, c’mon
second only to "I've been in therapy for 6 months" redditor reply "have you tried therapy"
Even lawyers respond with "am a lawyer, not your lawyer" and acknowledge local laws differ and vary sometimes wildly between jurisdictions.
The real victim is the girl whose been lied to her entire life. The ex was unhinged and clearly trying to baby trap OP, and failed. If paternity shows OP isn't the dad, that's either gonna lead to a conspiracy about fake DNA results, or the girl will spiral questioning where she came from. Doubtful the ex will ever admit who the girl's real dad is.
If OP is shown to be the dad, yes, he missed out on over a decade of building a relationship, but that falls back to, if the ex knew beyond all doubt he was the father, she'd have taken the girl for a paternity test immediately and then been able to shout on public corners what a deadbeat OP was. But she refused anything that could equally prove she was a fraud and liar.
In fairness, in most jurisdictions, there are ways to compel a paternity test in such circumstances, but laws are not universal. So some of those people may have been speaking from experience, but falsely assuming that their experience applied to OP as well, when obviously, it does not.
And it's very likely OP does actually have legal recourse to compel a paternity test, but that doesn't mean it's always in his best interest to do so. There could simply be significant, costly or potentially self-injurious hurdles to that in his jurisdiction. What those redditors need to remember is that laws are established to serve the needs of society en masse, not the individual. Sometimes the individual is just fucked, lol.
OP is a military man, and as one commentor pointed out, I think his ex is using her child as a means to dip into his pension and benefits. Protracted litigation is NEVER good for service members. There might be a viable resolution for most people, but if it takes a year to settle and he is unable to be deployed in that time, the damage to his career and advancement prospects could far outweigh the benefits of going through that process.
And honestly, the kid might still actually be his. He was on assignment for 8 weeks, she was 5 weeks pregnant. But conception date estimates can easily be +/- 3 weeks, it's not an exact science. Unless she was counting precisely from her last period, depending on when that was, he's still in the range where it's plausible. But of course, that doesn't explain her refusal of a paternity test. "It's insulting...", well, he already asked, so that ship has sailed, lol. And the results would be confidential, and he's already saying he's not the father to anyone who will listen, so there's nothing to be gained by denying the test, it saves neither pride or reputation. I think his ex doesn't actually know who the father is at all. The townies around military bases are notorious for indulging in a diverse smorgasbord of cock, lol. She has no clue who the father is, but I'm betting if a pension is on the line, as OP implied, she knew even then he was a career man and picking him as the daddy came with better benefits than her other suitors.
There's also the potential she does know who the father is and is protecting that guy. If OP is a career man, he likely has rank. What if the father was one of his subordinates, or friends, or higher than him in command?
Or maybe the real father is slipping her money under the table for support, and she's trying to double-dip? There are a lot of reasons she would stone-wall a paternity test, and since he's not legally recognized as the father, he has limited options, and she knows how to work the system.
You can get a cease and desist order that would stop her through defamation and slander lawsuit
Even commentators on here saying, you have a legal reason for a court order lol. The guy spoke with several local lawyers. Damn.
Bro there's no way you called your mom your sister spawn point I love that❤😂
Story 1: Why include the obvious troll controversial comment from the post?
Because of op's response to it
Entertainment and the info from op's response.
I did gentle parenting as an uncle who watched my brothers kids regularly. I would give time outs and talks. It worked for us, and I was not a parent, but close.
I'm not 100% against corporal punishment, but view it as a "in extreme circumstances" kind of thing. Fortunately nothing ever came up that I deemed as requiring corporal punishment.
(Moments with the chance for extreme bodily harm to someone)
The kids listened, even at a young age, and my brother and I were 100% on the same page.
The only unrealistic part of the second story is actually winning something in a yt giveaway 💀
Final Story: Any given "style" of parenting will always have two things in common. Acknowledging a child's choice/actions, and implementing a consequence.
Consequence is mostly used in a negative context, but a consequence is merely the result of an action. Providing positive consequences for positive choices and actions is JUST as much of an important part of parenting as negative consequences for negative choices and actions.
Without a proper reaction to an action, it sets up a child to think that there will never be a reaction. This is why many of the kids raised by overly permissive/pushover parents end up in trouble with the law.
Redirecting and correcting negative choices and actions are IMPERATIVE to a child's moral development, as well as associating positive choices and actions with positive outcomes.
Story 3: be a parent like Spartans or Dan Pena...ruthless, abusive, and unyielding.
Story 2: Father needed to divorce and leave with son somewhere else
What state is he in? And why are laws against fathers?
I've seen several times what happens when gentle parenting fails. These children are getting mauled by the real world.
hey SV, love the content
❤️❤️❤️
Are we going to throw down over who ❤ the channel more? 😂
@@boneymeroney2674 lmaoooooo nah, you got good taste in yt brainrot tho lol
You still need to discipline your children with Gentle Parenting, tf
Story two sounds fake to me, how does a 17 year old make 9 k in 4 months mowing lawns?!? Thats literally full time hours for 4 months at $15 an hour, IF you didnt pay taxes. And saved every fucking penny. The math sounds like its coming from someone who has never worked lmao
Spwan point 💀
Accountability in a woman? Nonexistent.
Nevermind, third story proved possibility.
Brains in a man? Nonexistent.
I know right?? We found a rare one at the end!
The downvoted comment in the first post has so many leaps and back breaking bends in logic that it hurts to listen
No matter how the story is told or how cut and dry it is to see how bad the woman is there is always at least one person on reddit who's going to twist the story in her favor.
Oh thank God I thought I was having a stroke there
100% agreed. It was definitely written by a professional victim.
Not even evil kenevil could make those leaps
@@analyticgeometry9014 no, that’s just Nattalie writing it
If only this woman put half as much effort into finding her actual daughter's father.
Pretty sure she knew who the father is.
She knows who it is, but he does not have money.
She knows
That is a fake story about the computer
He the dad, he can get a test done he tell a lie if he think the child could be his he can go to family court
Story 1: she cheated on Op and got pregnant is bad, but the fact she tried to make Op the father but won’t do a test to try to prove Ops the father is downright wrong.
It might be wrong, but that's what happens now often than not
Courts will often use that as a way to make him pay anyway.
@@jamegumb7298 Courts will use any excuse to get the man to pay, because they have an incentive to, they get their cut off the top. Child support is legalized extortion. Family court is one of the most lucrative businesses for the government.
@@smorphous8928 The guy's telling lies when you're in a military.You can be overseas and they take friends and family overseas girlfriends overseas wife's overseas and so on You do get a break. Let a soldier get burned out and it's not good for other people.
The guy knows it's his child. That's why he don't want to take the test. And that's why he got a restraining order. It's very easy to make someone look like they're nuts.
@@rico2119 what are you basing that off? Just assuming he's lying about everything? Bc the only info we know is that he was not there for the child's conception and repeatedly asked for a paternity test and the MOTHER refused, not that he refused. So are you just assuming he's in the wrong and pretending all the details that don't match are lies? Also, just bc its possible for her to visit while he's on leave doesn't mean she did, that proves absolutely nothing.
I am 100% sure that the friend who was the only one who was not in ops side and refused to budge and change his opinion by and said that charity couldn't be used as a legal cudgel like that was the true father and affair partner of ops cheating ex
That's possible. It is well known that the significant other has been known to have slept with their partners's best friend or one of his friends.
I whas thinking the same thing
I am 100% sure that the friend who was the only one not on OP's side, who refused to budge and insisted that charity couldn't be used as a legal cudgel, was the true father and affair partner of OP's cheating ex.
Yep that’s what I assume lol 🤣 he was a bit too interested in it and didn’t even argue it had to be his but quickly got out of it when he said why don’t you take her in and help her.
Story one is a great example of never take law advice from Reddit because redditors think if they use one Google search their armchair lawyer or you tell them about your psychological problems there an armchair psychologist
I came here to say the exact same thing. The problem with Redditors is that they tend to think about things from an emotional POV. It's just so obvious that so many of these people don't live in the real world.
@@SnowyWolborg
the two things Twitter and Reddit got in common is that the ppl that use them almost never gat information right and they get hyperly emotional over every topic
Story 1: That woman must be insane to keep this going this long. It is sad that the children got involved with this mess.
The guy is wrong. When u have a test done, it doesn't work for 5 weeks u wouldn't be able to tell after 8 week he the dad It is a military. He can get a blood test done. He just don't want to be the father. You don't want to pay back child support? He's a dead beat. When you're pregnant, they go. By the last period you only find out how many weeks you are. When you have a ultrasound, you can't find out if
Some ladies, they have their period 4 months pregnant.
The guy's telling a lie, "You can always ask for a paternity test."
The state wants that child support the was made from a AL story
@@rico2119 this guy literaly said if she gets the test done and if its his he will pay and co parent. The Mother had 15 fucking years to do that and coukd have gotten her way but the possibility of him not being the father is big enough that she doesnt incase he isnt the father and then she cant call him a deadbeat anymore.
@@rico2119 she’s not on state support so he can’t get dna because he’s not on the birth certificate and he’s a stranger to the child so he can’t ask for dna without the narrassist mom
@@rico2119except the mother is the one not allowing a paternity test. why would you not allow the one thing that would FORCE op to pay child support? because it's the one thing that would FORCE her to stop harassing op because she's LYING. if someone killed my brother and I had video evidence of who did it clear as day, why would I refuse to show it to the court? because I am the one who killed my brother. same with the mother. she knows the paternity test will damn her and prove her wrong that's why she says it's "insulting". because that's the only excuse she can come up with for not taking the test
@@rico2119 You sound like a vindictive money grubbing woman of the radicalize feminist kind.
S1: the not-daughter approaches the 9 year old son at the zoo and says she's his big sister?!?? This is a method used by child trafficking rings. This is disturbing as all hell. That girl needs to be taken far away from her mother and OP, and given A LOT of therapy in a facility.
You, uh, you got evidence on that assertion chief?
@@classicrockkid345 I watch enough crime dramas and dateline. People who have been kidnapped and trafficked have said this was how they remembered being taken away. The person or people who took them claimed to be family or they claimed to know their family and were asked to pick them up. It's not just traffickers, just people wanting to kidnap kids in general. It's why many schools have such strict pick up rules.
S3: that isn’t gentle parenting, it is lazy permissive parenting.
ETA: looks like she brings it up later lol.
I have watched the products of this yakkety yak method of trying to grow up their trophies. It doesn't work.
@@develyntwocentshenderson5739 You really haven't. I've seen it in action done properly cuz it's how me and my sister were raised. Honestly, it's not all that different what most people think of as parenting it's just got a slightly different mindset. The goal is encourage the behavior you want rather than stop the behavior you don't. Teaching kids to use their inside voices rather than yelling at them to be quiet. When done right there are absolutely still consequences, but the consequences are designed to promote the behavior you want. Toys need to be picked up? Challenge the kids to a race to see who can pick up the most toys. Kids are running around and being too noisy after you've asked them to calm down and use their inside voices? Time for a time out to sit in the corner and settle down a bit. Every kid is different so methods will vary, but that's the basic idea.
It does also involve talking to your kids about why they behaved the way they did so you can understand their feelings and then talk about what they should do the next time they feel that way. It's really effective at teaching kids to regulate their emotions as they get older and punishments don't feel arbitrary which promotes trust between parent and child so when you tell them something they're more inclined to listen. However it is super hard. It requires a lot of time, a crap ton of patience, and good judgement on what consequence is appropriate for the particular behavior you're trying to correct. This is why a lot of parent's are failing at this method.
The mother in this story failed in every way.
@@SapphWolf Thank you! It is so easy tro just yell or hit a kid or talk about PUNISHMENT, PUNISHMENT. Punishment is NEVER as effective as putting the time and energy into doing as this above commenter says, and it has to be consistently done every single time, but the payoffs are far better.
When you hit a kid you have lost control, period, and it is bullying in the first degree. Hit someone smaller and with no power to get your way, even if that way if to just stop bad behavior. I don't even like that word, punishment. You know that old saying, "you win more flies with sugar than vinegar". It's an old saying because it's true. Even if I don't want to when any flies, it's the metaphor that counts.
@@SapphWolf agreed, also had parents who were mostly gentle parents, especially for boomers. My parents did use spanking, but legit 3-5 times my entire life.
@@ImmerGenau2624 My mom was very against spanking because she used to be spanked as a kid and she never felt like it ever taught her anything other than to not get caught. However, when they would do something like send her to her room or make her sit in a corner instead, her mom would sit her down before they would start and talk to her about *why* her actions were hurtful and why they needed to had consequences. Then she'd spend the whole time having to think about what her mom said and she almost never repeated the behavior a second time.
My mom's family had 10 kids total. All of them got spanked. None of them spanked their own kids so I'm pretty sure they all had a similar sentiments.
"If you keep stealing and destroying my stuff there will be consequences."
"Okay, bet."
"Okay, so I just won $13k off you, are those consequences enough for you to understand?"
Good on OP and his dad, sure hope they both got away from OP's mom and sister.
Glad that OP won, but where's the money going to come from? The sister is a minor and the mother is a SAHM.
@@steve43tProbably has some trust. Maybe a college fund. Maybe other family members. Idk.
Honestly that's a type of domestic abuse too. Women should be held accountable by law more.
Let me give my honest opinion. The mother hate it that she got a boy when she was pregnant with him but when she got pregnant a second time and was enjoyed as she was having a girl. That's when she started hating and disliking her son because he is male. I hope that the father divorces his wife and disown the daughter and that will be the end of that
That last story in 20 years why did my kids go to prison? Because you didn't teach them consequences duh.
How did this comment make you feel
Gentle parenting only works around the 5-year mark. After that you need to be very patient with your kid and sometimes do timeout. Because timeout is not a violent nor aggressive way to teach your kids how to behave.
All that I hear is that she wants to be as lazy as possible
What she was doing wasn't gentle parenting, it was permissive parenting.
Exactly. There are actual punishments in gentle parenting. I do what is considered gentle parenting now but even I do punishments where they are warranted. My boys know how to behave and what is crossing the line.
Correction is not abuse. Even animals do correction and its not hurting anyone, its just time out.
@abhabh6896 i mean animals also rape each other for fun and kill each other for no reason so we shouldn't be setting the bar at "animals do it"
My “sisters” went through the same thing with my father. Their mother told them that my dad, was their dad. Back then the court would put the claimed father on the birth certificate if he didn’t show up to court. He didn’t show up. It was ridiculous. One of the sisters would contact my family and eventually me over the years. Well, she ended up doing a DNA kit and found out that her mother had lied to her. Neither her or her sister are my dads’ biological children.
I wish she had taken the test. 5 weeks isn't the time from conception, it's the time from the first missed period, so technically, it could be ops daughter, but it would be a suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper long shot, and a lot would have to have lined up perfect. Her absolute refusal to do any test is what makes it almost nil
Story 2: big props to dad for having his sons back and putting those two in their place.
Story 3: those kids are gonna fuck up big time some day, and mom and dad won’t be able to “talk out their feelings”, then those kids will resent them for not getting away with it.
Seriously. Gentle parenting is a actual technique. That's not gentle parenting. That's lazy parenting. Talking to the kids about their feelings is the first step, not the only step
Gentle parenting??...yeesh...they would not survive in my household...😈
Story 2: Hope Dad divorced her and took Son with him.
Some people just come from shit genetics. People need to like their kids less and love them more.
ANY woman who considers a paternity test "insulting" or "you don't trust me" or "you're insecure" she's always a cheater and the child isn't yours.
ALWAYS.
Only cheating women would deny this.
Especially in this kind of situation. If anyone was actually insulted by being asked for a paternity test, I'm sure they'd take that test just to prove the father of the baby wrong.
@@bored_boar I watched a video that had a story like that.
The S.O. of OP was offended, but had the test done.
Turns out, OP was just like his own father... He ran out of ink, as his mom and dad got busy after OP moved out, and when he and his wife went to visit OP's family, each sibling had slightly less melanin than the last, with OP being the darkest, and I THINK, the youngest Sister? being the lightest.
That's not gentle parenting, that's negligent parenting. It's a lack of parenting. Gentle parenting involves -rather than punishing kids- teaching them the consequences of their actions; eg if a toddler spills something they clean up after themselves, or if they draw on the walls, they clean up the walls themselves. They learn that walls are not supposedto be drawn on and the consequence is they have to clean them if they draw on them. There's still a punishment but it's directly correlated to rhe crime... It is a direct consequence of their actions. What the mom in the third story is doing is not parenting at all.
Thank you! I was just about to comment this and then I saw yours
I was about to say this. Gentle parenting doesn't mean being a door mat and letting your own kids walk all over you. there's still discipline in the form of stern-talking-to, etc.
YEAH
this is just permissive parenting.
Ur right, parenting is usually redirecting the behavior and giving a consequence actually relative to the crime
Op still doesn’t seem understand the difference though
@@kumakiel8850 well it doesn't matter does it
story 2 "spawn point" made my day, I needed that giggle
“Don’t EVER pull a dogs tail or their fur! That is TERRIBLE behavior!”
Boom! You’re done.
If they say another word say “go eff yourself with your “I refuse to parent my kids” parenting style.
Bro was 2 month away and she was 5 weeks pregnant it's like 3 week difference There is no way it's his
A perfectly valid reason to ask for a paternity test
Sister doesn't have a clue what gentle parenting is... She's actually trying to fix her own childhood trauma by giving them the "freedom & support" she feels she needed as a child.
there comes a point where 'emma's' are no longer brainwashed but willing participants.
It's always sad to see people manipulating children to get revenge on their significant other.
All I'm picturing for the 3rd story is that the passive parents are Ned Flander's parents when they say "We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas."
Story 1: If this is real, i feel like we are gonna get a story down the line from Emma saying " My deranged mother lied to me my whole life about my father, so i cut ties with her. Now she is begging to reconnect."
There is all kinds of discipline, just have to find the one to suit your child. I got some good advice from a few friends who had great kids. All of them advised not letting them get away with anything in those early years. Now we had a couple years where he was on restriction alot, but after that when he had rules down he was rarely in trouble the rest of his childhood. We used restriction on a favorite toy, time outs didnt work well and I really didnt ever want to hit or spank him because I didnt want to teach him to be physically violent when mad or upset.
For the last story, thats not gentle parenting thats no parenting. I dont get why people keep confusing the two. Gentle parenting is just not physically and mentally abusing your child and giving them reasonable consequences and guidance, the bar is literally on the floor and people still keep jumping in other directions.
Gentle parenting doesnt mean no consequences. It means prioritizing learning respect for yourself and others. My parents never once punished or rewarded me with anything physical. If i did something bad they explained to me what i did wrong, why it was hurtful, and why i shouldn't do it. If i did something good, they told me they loved me and were proud of me. When i carved up my dresser with a knife there were reasonable and immediate consequences, that helped me learn to respect my own and other peoples property. You should not beat kids, but never giving any consequences or discipline is just as bad. Treat your kids with respect, teach them to be respectful, kind, and thoughtful, and youll never need to deal with this
15 Years of Harassment ?
Id move away and get her dealt with
Listen I am not a parent and currently not planning to be
I’ve seen a few gentle parenting influences before , and simply that’s not it
From my understanding, gentle parenting is not finding the Children acting like that bc it may be because they’re frustrated are simply not aware that what they are doing is a bad thing
Like it’s good and dandy that you ask them about their feelings, but you also have to tell them that what they are doing is wrong
The first time I get it, they don’t know and whatever but not trying any discipline is a form of abuse
As the people in the post comments said this is not gentle parenting as gentle parenting DOES have consequences we just don't hit or yell at our kids and we encourage the good behavior we also sit down and talk to them so they know what they did wrong and why it's wrong then give an actual appropriate consequence basically the only difference is we don't make our own kids fear us or end up needing therapy because mommy and daddy gave them psychological damage
Thank you @@that_himbo_femboy
Bet the kid was the guy who carried on saying "you should look after the baby!"
I'm glad you didn't back down and held your ground. Graduation dates are indeed fixed and can't be changed, whereas weddings can be rescheduled. Prioritizing a one-time graduation over a wedding is the right call, and your sister's actions were undeniably selfish. The parents definitely need to reassess their favoritism and address the behavior they've enabled.
S3: Someone would have been going through a fucking wall
The problem with ‘gentle parenting’ is that small children have almost no critical thinking skills. So asking them how they feel and redirecting with no punishment is doomed to failure.
The problem is, that a lot of people do it wrong (like in this story) and it gives gentle parenting a bad rap. Kid drew on the wall? They clean it up, it's a natural consequence to their actions. You don't yell and scream and give a 4 week grounding of everything because they did it, you talk to them about why it's wrong and make them clean it up.
@@catlady9123 I was specifically addressing the parenting in this version of gentle parenting. However, I also don’t agree with tiny punishments for doing wrong things. Cleaning the wall would be a great teaching tool… if what they drew can actually get cleaned off. Many times kids will do things that can’t simply be cleaned up. You don’t have to scream at them and excessively punish them. That’s as bad as too little punishment. But the punishment should be measured against what they did and the damage that occurred.
What catlady said. My boys put a hole in the wall once. They had to help do the patch. They have chores around the house even. Some nights it means no desserts because they didn't listen. Sometimes the consequences deliver themselves. Don't want to listen to mom and dad about not running on the slippery tile floor? Sorry you fell, glad you're okay but I bet it hurt enough to fall that you won't do it again.
You realise kids eventually grow into adults, though? Gentle parenting is built largely on preparing kids to be well rounded, emotionally stable adults capable of indepent thinking; natural consequences do that well because it's the exact same as they grow. Kid makes a mess, they have to clean it up, just as an adult would have to if they made a mess. They truly learn and internalise that their actions have consequences. 'Punishments' on the other hand are a short term answer for the long term act of raising a child, because they just aren't something that transfers well to adult life. All they teach is that the child's actions will result in consequences being levied against them by an outside force, and what happens when that outside force is no longer there? How many people do you know with strict parents who went off the deep end the second they were out from their parents' control, as a comparison?
@@CoRLex-jh5vx In my opinion, neither corporal punishment nor gentle parenting is the way to go. There should be a healthy fear of consequences. This doesn’t mean you have to beat your kids, or even spank them. But a consequence that’s meaningful to them is often appropriate. Losing privileges, etc. I’m going to reiterate that it’s not always (or even usually) as easy as “kid makes mess, kid cleans mess”. If that was the long and short of parenting, we’d have no need of family therapy and few bad parents, because that’s easy. But often kids destroy things. Sometimes there’s hitting involved. All manner of bad behaviors.
I’m fairly sensitive to physical abuse of children, because I was beaten regularly as a child and young teen. It only stopped when I finally got big enough to defend myself. My mother hit me in the face so many times, I couldn’t even begin to count. I’m not arguing for that kind of parenting at all. But a stern talk often fails to make any noticeable change. Punishments are necessary.
Stern talking to and cleaning the mess is a rational thing to do. What other than that? It's the thing people face their whole life. It's taking responsibility.
You technically don't need parental permission to get an over-the-counter DNA test have you ever met the girl he could just say hey do you want to try and take this test with me and see if I am your dad.
On the first story, if the "daughter" ever shows up around the dad like she did with the son, he should have a DNA testing kit on hand at home. Explain it to her and tell her to spit in a cup (if not willing to do a swab), and if she turns out to be his, he will take responsibility for her and be her father. I'd also say this could have happened from the beginning, but the mom always fought it. Maybe she should ask mom about that.
OP is not correct about gentle/responsive parenting not having any consequences. Natural consequences include not being allowed to do something because of a choice they made like not doing their chores or making an unsafe choice when playing. Talking about feelings and redirection is included, but mostly for the parent to differentiate whether a consequence is actually helpful or if there's something else going on (ex. doing poorly on a test because they didn't feel like studying vs they're having genuine difficulty in the class. The first case can be solved with a consequence, but the second case would need a different intervention, like a tutor). From my understanding, the type of gentle parenting described in OP's comment section would also fall under permissive parenting, unless OP misunderstood the comments. I know a lot of people are thrown off by the term "gentle" parenting, which is why I personally prefer to call it "responsive" parenting, since they're both names for the same parenting style. Responsive parenting describes it better to me: the parenting, including consequences, are a response to both the behavior and why the behavior occurred. Sorry for the long post, I'm very passionate about this subject since both my mom and boyfriend were victims of physical and psychological child abuse by moms who genuinely loved their children and thought they were doing right by hitting them and telling them how useless they were when they did the slightest thing wrong, and I've seen the negative consequences it has had on both of them as adults. I've seen gentle/responsive parenting used to great effect by former child abuse victims who want to break the cycle of abuse with their own children but haven't ever seen how to discipline without violence. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk i guess
2.story: YOUR ASKING IF YOUR THE JERK? NAAAAH. U ARE AN ABSOLUTE LEGEND
Problem with courts, poor Emma
2nd story is some kids fantasy ending to a bad situation
The natural consequence of stealing a car IT'S BEING ARRESTED
Exactly
People really don't know what gentle parenting is, they just don't parent I swear. Telling a kid to stop isn't discipline! Real parenting would be they leave entirely... after they clean everything up. You say "What feelings" THEN ALWAYS "What are we going to do next time? Whats going to happen if you dont?" Then you hold yourself and them to it. Eg drawing on the walls? what are you going to do next time? Cool and what happens if you don't? We don't get to come back to Aunties house anymore. And we leave right away.
And animal abuse? That is where you mimic real world consequences.
RE: "Gentle Parenting"
What a crock of shit, lol. Maybe it works with some kids, it probably does. But if there was one effective parenting style that worked universally, don't you think humanity would have figured it out thousands of years ago? No, it was just discovered recently by a mommy-blogger with a self-published book, what good fortune we have to be born in the exact age this discovery was made, lol.
There IS some legitimacy to some of those techniques, but it seems they're being egregiously misapplied and misunderstood.
First, kids do respond well to learning that negative actions have negative consequences. That's an essential life skill. A parent's whole job is to prepare their children to function in the world, and this is exactly how the world functions, whether you like it or not. Not preparing them for this reality is to fail as a parent.
Around the age of 11-12, most kids stop responding well to punitive actions. Punishments no longer work well, the kids just get better at not getting caught next time, lol. You do have to change your approach then.
Here's a good time for a "gentle" approach, after they have developed a sense of empathy and accountability (and not a moment before).
Take the classic scenario:
Your kid was bullying another kid in class, along with their friends.
Ask them why they did it... "I don't know" or "Because they started it" are NOT valid answers, the question is why they chose that specific action, out of all possible actions in that scenario. If they give you that answer, they're not ready for the "gentle" approach yet, bring on the punishment, lol.
If they're a little more self-aware (and they should be by that age), they might respond with "Because my friends were", indicating they just wanted validation from their friends.
Now you ask them if there are other ways they might get that validation without harming others. Make them answer, don't feed them the answers. And you come up with a plan based on that knowledge. Maybe it's as simple as making a point of complimenting their friends each day. That will make them even more liked than simply being a dick alongside their friends. So you set a goal, they need to give three people a compliment every day for 6 months. If they fail to comply or lie about doing it, then back to punishment because they're still too immature for a gentler approach.
It's not that you eliminate consequences. It's that rather than being purely punitive, you make the consequences directly address and remediate the underlying incentive for the bad behavior. It's not about making the "punishment fit the crime" so much as it is attacking the behavior, not the child. That takes some thought and creativity, and every kid will respond differently, so there's no "one-size-fits-all" approach. The principle is universal, the implementation is not.
Then there are "Natural Consequences". Slap the dog, but if the dog bites you, don't come crying to me, I hope you don't bleed out, but you wanted to fuck around and find out, and so you have.
You don't protect them from natural consequences. You can warn against it and explain your reasoning, but you don't fight their battles for them, and you don't fix their mistakes. Failure to foresee an outcome does not inherently make you innocent of wrongdoing, it doesn't make you a victim or worthy of sympathy. You should have been smarter. Spent this week's lunch money on a video game? Here's some white bread and tap water, I'll deduct it from next week's allowance.
You don't usually need to impose consequences, they happen by default in most situations. But they need to face those consequences all the same, and learn to make decisions with them in mind. That's the whole point.
Story 1: Get 2 separate ROs, 1 for OP and 1 for OP's son, but with different start dates. Renew the first one while the second one is still in effect. Not perfect, but adds a complication for her to deal with, and adds the possibility of her violating an active order.
This is so frustrating. It should be obvious what this woman is upto and is not a DV victim, so why does that type of law apply to his situation?!!
Story 1: That woman is an issue. If she can get back-pay, that's probably the objective.
Story 2: Makes sense. The mother has issues and the daughter is raised to have issues. The "Am I the jerk?" question just demands more sympathy. Don't try that anymore.
Story 3: The sister is in the wrong.
Story 2: The kid won a judgement, that does not mean he got his money back. You can't take money from people who have none. And how did he prove to the court that his sister was the guilty party? And why is the mom the only parent that is liable? If the sister is under 18 that would make both parents liable for actions. Story 2 doesn't make sense.
Story 2: "She would always complain to her spawn point" lol. Calling your own mom that is crazy lol
3rd story: that is not gentle parenting, that is enabling. Two completely different things. It’s also not just letting kids get away with anything. I don’t think either OP or Allison understand what gentle parenting is.
OP is NTA.
Either the 2nd story is fake, or wherever OP got that PC from scammed him, or those $ are not USD
Even pre-built with the best possible hardware, you’re not reaching 5k USD
hey we dont know each other but i hope ur doing well and I wanna say that GOD still loves u and wants u to be with him all u must do is trust in Jesus (dying for our sins on the cross) and repent of ur sins. GOD loves u more than u can imagine.🎉🎉❤❤❤
Story 3: Say it loud for the ones in the back: gentle parenting is not permissive parenting.
There are four weeks in each month, times two months, is eight weeks. It can sometimes take as much as a week or two for a pregnancy to take, from the time sex occurs, and the tests that determine how far along a mom-to-be is, can also be off by as much as a week or two. So it's not mathematically impossible for the baby to be OP's in the first story, but it IS improbable. So, OP's a smart man, then: Being willing to step up if she can prove its his, because it *could be,* but demanding proof first, because it's not likely.
Having said all that, your pride is not worth going without child support for fifteen years. The only reason I can think of for her to keep insisting against a paternity test, is that she knows it's NOT his.
Calling your mom a "spawn point" is hilarious
You know story 2 is fake when they instantly fast tracked the sueing process. The biggest give away at that point is that they mentioned they had to tell the court about the favouritism the little sister recieved. Courts dont give a fuck about that, a lawyer would never use that information. All that matters is if you can prove the sister damaged property, courts dont rule in feelings, its only a matter of what can be proven and what the law dictates the repercussions are. Feeling bears no weight, but OP seems to think you can go into a court room and say “ill prove to you my sister was the golden child”. They dont give a fuck, that doesn’t matter. Obviously it never happened lmao
Gentle parenting is a waste kids need to be punished when they do something wrong I'm not saying abuse them but they need to be given stability not coddling
Second story sounds fake asf by the age , job, and getting a house by that age
Last story I don’t think I could have those feral kids in my house if they don’t have any discipline. Hell nooooo they would be banned. I can’t stand such children 😒
Story 2 NTA but your sister is ridiculous there was also the big craze of attachment parenting, but one of the funniest as in ludicrous about it in the UK we have the programme ‘This Morning’ and about 10 years ago Peaches Geldoff was arguing how great it was for mother and child against Katie Hopkins yet the more recent comments were about how she wasn’t that great a parent as she lay dead with the two kids left alone after taking heroin for over 17 hours.
My brother has a son with his ex. She claimed the baby wasn't his during pregnancy, but when her new boyfriend left her suddenly claimed it was after she gave birth. She put my brother on the birth certificate and demanded no contact but alot of child support. He said sure, with a paternity test. She went to court saying he refused to pay. Court scheduled a custody/support hearing. Before that hearing my brother went and requested a test. He was told no, she had to request it. He said he was on the birth certificate as the father he should be able to get a test. They said no because she was still technically married to her ex husband (at the tail end of a divorce) so any child she had, in the eyes of the state, were her and his responsibility so they were the only ones who could request a test and her ex refused to have anything to do with it since the boy wasn't biologically his. My bro had to wait until after the first hearing for the judge to demand a test cuz he said hed love to be in his sons life, if it's his son. She out it off until the last day and the only reason she finally did the test was cuz the judge said if she didn't then my bro would be free of support and she'd be held in contempt
Kids raised on gentle parenting practice crumble fast under any form of pressure than consequenced kids ...
As a reference I got that from utube😂
OP should get a dna family history thing like 23&me, then offer one to the girlas a birthday present. That way, it can be done without courts involved. If they are related, it would show on the results, and it would be up to the kid herself.
story 3: thats not gentle parenting. gentle parenting still has discipline... there are still consequences.. you can still confiscate someting important to them or force them to clean after themselves, yell at them a bit, etc.... THEN thats when you have the conversation. Then you ask them "You realize this isnt appropriate behavior, right? What happened to make you feel that this was the best way to go about doing it this way? Is there anything that either you or we as parents can do to make sure this doesnt happen again?" etc. Its all about managing your children and teaching them right from wrong and that actions have consequences; without abusing them.
It is sad that the children got involved with this mess.
All the rededit replies that suggest suing for defamation or slander, don't actually know what defamation or slander is and how hard it is to prove in court
That 2nd story was cap. How did he prove that his sister destroyed his PC in a manmer that was sufficient for court?!
people will make a post on reddit titled "i hired the best lawyer in the world who looked throgh every single law in every single subject and he cant find a solution what should i do"
and the geniuses over on reddit will unironically say "get a lawyer and file a court order" it doesnt fucking work that way. if it were that easy I'd be a millionaire because i got a court order for a million dollars.
So the sister is raising her children without consequences? Good luck with that, i see many legal bills in the future.
The gentle parenting op does have a point but he comes off kind of smug and self-righteous. Again he's in the right for this that behavior should not be tolerated but clearly he has his own opinions on parenting
The 3rd story, if you hurt my animals or my kindess and have no regard: hippity hoppity get the freak off my property
The third story: gentle parenting isn't let your children run wild. It's true that we have to listen to our children, let them voice out their feelings, but that doesn't mean let them ruin something or harras a pet. That's neglet, period
Just get a paternity test online and the next time the child tries to contact him he can just get her DNA himself with a cheek swab.
Dude she cheated with muata been a bum 😂😂😂 smart dude didn't raise a kid thats not his. Girls least cheat with a man with money 😅
I wish you wouldn’t post these multiple stories on one video that leave us hanging. So what the hell happened with the first story?
I didn't grow up with either punishment or lax parenting. That's how my siblings raise their kids too, just set rules and boundaries when needed, tell them no when they do something wrong, etc. Kids learn.
Whoever the most downvoted person on the first story must have been the ex because WTF?
Do what the police do, trash day go through the trash and find a sample to get a DNA test
Lewis Michael Anderson Jessica Hernandez Cynthia
S2: it sounds like dad tried to be a firm hand in sister's life but her mom wouldn't let it happen. OP is definitely NTA because it sounds like mom doesn't care about him at all and would be fine if it was just her, husband, and daughter.
S3: gentle parenting is no parenting. you are not supposed to be their friend. you are their parent which means teaching them consequences for their actions. you can be their friend after they are adults but not before
Did you mean physical punishment by that ?
Maybe actually learn what gentle parenting is
Contact your not daughter's graudian and say you'll be a father after the DNA test
Martinez Donald Moore Jeffrey Rodriguez Amy
The average comprehension level of reddit has to be in the negative percentile...
Bull. If the daughter shows up it would be easy to get dna for a paternity test.
I'd make the parents fix everything. When they say no tell them to leave
Crap! I hate this kind of story with no end. Rubbish!!