I actually used text and emails and associated it with narcissistic memes into a powerpoint to help me see the pattern of narcissism. Very cathartic! Videos like this are awesome on the road to recovery.
I have listened to this episode several times, it is giving me so many verifications that I am understanding my responsibility in the ending of a relationship, and the things I tried to cope with that were unlivable and horrendously toxic. Thank you, Dr. Shaler, for shining a bright flashlight on what has gone terribly wrong.
My family of origin has assigned roles, me the scapegoat. I left my toxic marriage 8 months ago, I did have rose colored glasses on so I missed red flags. I've never had children, so this marriage gave me what I wanted so much, to be a mother and grandmother and even great grandmother! The love bombing stopped after 3 months, hubby went to daughter in triangulation, lies, silent treatment, rages, manipulating, he triangulated with his friends, I became the enemy intruder, so painful in all ways possible. I had to leave for my sanity a week after 1st anniversary. Such a painful, confusing, draining experience.
So sad and difficult for you, I'm sure...and in so many ways. You have emerged from the Scapegoat role so well by walking away from abuse. Good for you!
😂OMG I can’t believe I’m figuring all this out at such a late age. How validating 🙌 SPOT ON And, even my children it’s mind blowing I finally get it, TY Dr Shafer for all your wonderful service 🙏✨❤️🧜♀️✌️
If you've always been a burden and annoyance all your life to a narc. Why is it when distance is created, they send flying 🐒's and go into a rage?! You'd think a person would be finally happy!!!
It's confusing, isn't it? The reason is that your presence gave them something to be judgmental, critical, and demeaning. When you leave, they rage because they think, "How dare you not make me the center of attention! How dare you leave me! You have taken away my supply of control and validation!" They are not happy about that.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I am so appreciative for this response. Thank you ever so much. I'm entering my 30's next year in peace and I have women such as yourself to Thank. I am so grateful 🙏💫🌸.
I was the most child that’s exactly what happened Lol But guess what my Golden child sister is stuck with my HYJACKAL mother So sad I watched her talk behind her back and demean her constantly. My scapegoat sister has been living in a hotel for 10 years. I got away by the grace of God 🙌
Good for you! Now, when you observe the dynamics, you're likely so clear about your choice to get away. Yes, the Golden Child can become expected, obligated, and guilted into taking care of the Hijackal parent. The Golden Child, strangely, can also refuse to and the Hijackal parent will make up a story of understand their choices, too. Weird and warped!
My son married in to a family that practices everything I've heard on this video. The woman are the true 'leaders' and I believe my son was groomed to accept their many demands in order to get the prize- his wife. The women actually physically abusive to each other but the portray themselves as a loving family in public. They are like a cult- and have systematically forced my son's friends and family out of his life. They convinced him that we are the enemy. Before they were married- he had to put his future wife and her 4 kids in a hotel numerous times to get her away from her own mother. I have given up on trying to have a relationship with him and it breaks my heart. Oh- and his new wife accidentally got pregnant even though she had 4 kids. That would be my grandaughter that I am not allowed to see.
Does this also refer to speaking your truth and when you try to everything is reversed and thrown back at you so it all becomes about them. I have stopped opening up so much and I mentioned I am not being vulnerable to be slapped down. So I have reduced my time seeing him and in between times I say very little. Luckily I don't live with him. So why am I still there? what is the hook? Habit? Fear of rejection? Weirdly we do get on and like the lady said in the comment I have weeks of time when we are great and then this same pattern comes up again. There is absolutely NO empathy.
When someone reverses your words and throws them back at you, that's blame-shifting! I recently did a video on that. It could be that you're with a person who has #Hijackal tendencies. Those folks do NOT like boundaries such as the one you set about being vulnerable. They become very reactive. NO empathy is the red flag to leave...as soon as you see it. No benefit of the doubt. No justification, rationalization, or excuses...just leave!
I can definitely identify the scapegoat in my family. Having trouble identifying the golden child... It's a toss up between me and one other person... I hope it isn't me. 😭
Thank you for answering my questions so thoroughly on Podcast last night! You are beautiful and your voice is so soothing! Can you make an episode on self gas lighting? I notice that I gas light myself. It's like When you've been gaslet and then you realize it and then You remind yourself of your truth and what really happened, then your mind tries to pull in the other direction, tells me i need to consider their perspective or perception of me and dont be so cold... and then I end up gas lighting myself. Even as I type this my truth comes back after the gas lighting in my mind. I hope that makes sense. Does it mean Im seeing hugh jackal traits in myself? But an episode of self gaslighting would be cool. Thank you for everything!!🩵
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I actually used text and emails and associated it with narcissistic memes into a powerpoint to help me see the pattern of narcissism. Very cathartic! Videos like this are awesome on the road to recovery.
Good for you! That's a wise thing to do to help you stay focused on the truth of the relationship, for sure.
Very creative and smart.
I have listened to this episode several times, it is giving me so many verifications that I am understanding my responsibility in the ending of a relationship, and the things I tried to cope with that were unlivable and horrendously toxic. Thank you, Dr. Shaler, for shining a bright flashlight on what has gone terribly wrong.
Isn’t it so true. One face in public, another at home. Thank you for explaining it so well.
You're so welcome!
So glad I found this... this loyalty thing is huge for me. Thank you.
Run 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️my best Advice
I’ve been so joyful the last 2 years!
Yay! Yes! Good for you!
My family of origin has assigned roles, me the scapegoat. I left my toxic marriage 8 months ago, I did have rose colored glasses on so I missed red flags. I've never had children, so this marriage gave me what I wanted so much, to be a mother and grandmother and even great grandmother! The love bombing stopped after 3 months, hubby went to daughter in triangulation, lies, silent treatment, rages, manipulating, he triangulated with his friends, I became the enemy intruder, so painful in all ways possible. I had to leave for my sanity a week after 1st anniversary. Such a painful, confusing, draining experience.
😥
So sad and difficult for you, I'm sure...and in so many ways. You have emerged from the Scapegoat role so well by walking away from abuse. Good for you!
😂OMG I can’t believe I’m figuring all this out at such a late age. How validating 🙌 SPOT ON
And, even my children it’s mind blowing
I finally get it, TY Dr Shafer for all your wonderful service 🙏✨❤️🧜♀️✌️
You are so welcome!
If you've always been a burden and annoyance all your life to a narc. Why is it when distance is created, they send flying 🐒's and go into a rage?! You'd think a person would be finally happy!!!
It's confusing, isn't it? The reason is that your presence gave them something to be judgmental, critical, and demeaning. When you leave, they rage because they think, "How dare you not make me the center of attention! How dare you leave me! You have taken away my supply of control and validation!" They are not happy about that.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I am so appreciative for this response. Thank you ever so much. I'm entering my 30's next year in peace and I have women such as yourself to Thank. I am so grateful 🙏💫🌸.
I was the most child that’s exactly what happened Lol
But guess what my Golden child sister is stuck with my HYJACKAL mother
So sad I watched her talk behind her back and demean her constantly. My scapegoat sister has been living in a hotel for 10 years. I got away by the grace of God 🙌
My sister and mum also have a co-dependant relationship. I was the one he took on the black sheep role
Good for you! Now, when you observe the dynamics, you're likely so clear about your choice to get away. Yes, the Golden Child can become expected, obligated, and guilted into taking care of the Hijackal parent. The Golden Child, strangely, can also refuse to and the Hijackal parent will make up a story of understand their choices, too. Weird and warped!
My son married in to a family that practices everything I've heard on this video. The woman are the true 'leaders' and I believe my son was groomed to accept their many demands in order to get the prize- his wife. The women actually physically abusive to each other but the portray themselves as a loving family in public. They are like a cult- and have systematically forced my son's friends and family out of his life. They convinced him that we are the enemy. Before they were married- he had to put his future wife and her 4 kids in a hotel numerous times to get her away from her own mother. I have given up on trying to have a relationship with him and it breaks my heart. Oh- and his new wife accidentally got pregnant even though she had 4 kids. That would be my grandaughter that I am not allowed to see.
Your situation is sadly too common. It is heart-breaking. And, such a shame for the children, too.
Does this also refer to speaking your truth and when you try to everything is reversed and thrown back at you so it all becomes about them. I have stopped opening up so much and I mentioned I am not being vulnerable to be slapped down. So I have reduced my time seeing him and in between times I say very little. Luckily I don't live with him. So why am I still there? what is the hook? Habit? Fear of rejection? Weirdly we do get on and like the lady said in the comment I have weeks of time when we are great and then this same pattern comes up again. There is absolutely NO empathy.
When someone reverses your words and throws them back at you, that's blame-shifting! I recently did a video on that. It could be that you're with a person who has #Hijackal tendencies. Those folks do NOT like boundaries such as the one you set about being vulnerable. They become very reactive. NO empathy is the red flag to leave...as soon as you see it. No benefit of the doubt. No justification, rationalization, or excuses...just leave!
The "good times" are what confused me the most, when it came to my dysfunctional family.
I can definitely identify the scapegoat in my family. Having trouble identifying the golden child... It's a toss up between me and one other person... I hope it isn't me. 😭
The Golden Child can do no wrong, is always defended, and their bad behavior, accepted. Does that help?
“Middle child”
Got that...the "lost" child, often.
💜
Hi Dr
You look very pretty like your glasses. They are always creating discord
Thank you. Yes, they live to create discord, chaos, and confusion. It makes them feel powerful. Sad.
Thank you for answering my questions so thoroughly on Podcast last night! You are beautiful and your voice is so soothing! Can you make an episode on self gas lighting? I notice that I gas light myself.
It's like When you've been gaslet and then you realize it and then You remind yourself of your truth and what really happened, then your mind tries to pull in the other direction, tells me i need to consider their perspective or perception of me and dont be so cold... and then I end up gas lighting myself. Even as I type this my truth comes back after the gas lighting in my mind. I hope that makes sense.
Does it mean Im seeing hugh jackal traits in myself? But an episode of self gaslighting would be cool. Thank you for everything!!🩵