I told mine, I don't entertain distortion. I ask you to leave if you start. He was like implying I'm leaving when you start. I repeat and told him it's distortion and I'm not entertain it.
Absolutely I noticed this too, when my boyfriend was staying out all night long and then would accuse me of being disrespectful and disloyal calling me “slut” ect ect. I Said all you’re doing Is telling on yourself seen as I was home and you were out all night I was not in any position to have an opportunity to be any of those things yet you were! lol he hates that I have the ability to see thru his bs. and then he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes he can’t relate he can literally call me a derogatory name and I will repeat his own words and he reacts as of I’M CALLING him the names and just can’t believe it! It is ridiculous! So therefore Anything he tells me I’m doing I know he is. Because he can’t see anything from any other perspective but his own and if he’s thinking it or doing it well everyone must do the same! It’s utter insanity and the rage that manifests when I call out his lies and manipulative behavior he LOSES IT! and it’s beginning to get physical and I know it’s not going to get better it’s only escalating but being disabled and not having anywhere to go and he won’t leave cuz he’s got a free ride there’s very little hope for Me to escape this relationship from hell
@@cjhortonvalliere3285there’s always a way out !!!! Speak even to police if you must ! These people are dangerous and if he’s getting physical then you MUST leave please 🙏🏼
They will never admit to them being the problem. Think of a person on a pedestal. That is them.What they do think or say will always be RIGHT in their mind. Nobody else will be.
1. Bait you into arguing to use against you 2. Insist you have to justify your actions/feelings 3. Shame you for independent thoughts 4. Make you feel responsible for their mood 5. Offer lame excuses then blame you for your reaction 6. Try to intimidate you when you have boundaries 7. Accuse you of being a Narcissist All of this is done to WEAR YOU DOWN, become weak, anxious, depressed, withdrawn, negative and cynical.
My dads wife and assistant ( fantasy girlfriend) yes I said that… are both narcissists trying to alienate me from my dad. He knows how they are but I’m starting to think he likes it😂 he tries to lump me in with “all these women fighting over him” 😂 Gross He’s very I’ll but I can’t be around these horrible women. Sorry Dad I’m starting to think you might be mentally ill and are not a good parent either. They can have him and “The Will”. I am healthy happy and financially secure … just another reason they are intimidated by me. Have fun with your women Dad 😂
@saucejones exactly! And now they're dating the girl they told me not to worry about. The "just a friend" they post about her like she's everything all while still posting songs I dedicated to them haha a mockery. Crazy how narcissist will still attempt to indirectly play at your strings.
I had never even heard the word until my ex who turned out to be a narc told me that her previous ex was one. That's actually what made me research narcissism and realize that she was the narc. They're projection is insane.
Yes and number 3 is hardest as I hate misunderstandings and have to see what Dr. C said as they meant to misunderstand you or never cared to understand you. It is hard because I hate it when people can't seek solutions and feel like part of me just can't admit they have problems and I am safer away from family members I love. The other hard part is giving up. I was taught like many Americans of my generation that perseverance is important and valuable. It is hard to fight that trait and that trait is what often drew NPDs to me I think. They saw it as lots of supply but to me it is just a part of my DNA almost and I have learned to be more cautious thanks to Dr. C
@@impossiblegems could you please do a favor for a random guy on RUclips? Could you please give me a few other examples of what a narcissist does in relationships? I’m trying to figure out if my partner has narcissistic tendencies. Id really appreciate it. If not, that’s okay. If so, thanks in advanced.
You have to walk on eggshells around a narcissist. Consistently checking how they might interpret your words in a way that makes you look bad. Almost anything you say - even something as innocent as saying it’s about to rain - can lead to an argument or lead the conversation down a path that makes you look stupid. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself.
Yes I definitely have the same problems as you have written about boy isn’t it hard work it’s ! It’s all a waist of time and energy they suck the joy out of everything , and love to ruin birthdays Christmas anniversary’s 25 years and nothing for our anniversary ?
@Scott's Precious Little Account That lack of empathy is narcissistic not that you are a narcissist but just self involved. It’s ok to not understand others but not caring shows lack of empathy. Carelessness is allow a trait of NPD.
They play dumb and pretend they don't understand you. So you can over compensate and wear you down to find out how to manipulate you and control you. With a smile to your face and hate you in your back. It took me many years to find out the pattern how I got so broken down. I dicifered the narc code. And belive me IT is Insanely cruel and calculated destruction of your being just out of no reason at all. Just pure evil with VERY BIG AROGANT EGOS
I literally get physically ill in my gut when I know I have to ask why...I know it's going to never be an adult, straight forward answer...It s going to be a lie, a deflection or word salad.......
@@Suzu52 exactly. Plus the added bonus of everything being your fault. The time I’ve spent trying to explain myself. They’ll never get it. They are incapable. But we’re learning and every day gets better
Yes! And you try to ignore them but oh my God they just keep going on and on it’s so hard and then when you finally explode, you’re the “difficult one” 🙄
I diligently went to therapist for two years, trying to fix the person that in reality, my partner caused me to become. The narcissistic abuse made me break and go insane, and my reactions were pointed out as the problem. The gaslighting and manipulation caused me to absolutely believe I was the cause of all our problems. I committed to fixing myself so he would be happier (he never went to therapy because he had no problems.) Strangely enough my “mood swings” and “outbursts” disappeared when I left the relationship. I’m not insane anymore.
Did you move to a different house or buy a different car because those things remind you of the settings where the abuse occurred? I am considering putting mine on the market.
@@tiffanykennedy788 No, because all those things I already had before the relationship, he was only a guest in my life. He used to complain about how shitty and ugly my car was all the time, but now I embrace it, I really love it. I do have a new apartment which he had never set his foot in. If you own a home, and need to get out of there because it’s too painful, maybe you can rent a place and at the same time rent out your home? You should never have to make losses because of a bad person who did those things to you.
In all the 47 years of marriage to my ex Covert Narcissist, I NEVER understood why he was always in an adversarial role with me. Always in competition with me. All I wanted was to be partners. He would have none of it. I am now married to the man of my dreams. We are best friends, confidantes, lovers, travel buddies, etc. Run, don’t walk, away from the narcissist in your life. They will NEVER change. Trust me.
I am so happy for you that you got away and found true love. I've been with mine for 17 years and I'm trying to leave but its so expensive. Some days I worry I'll never make it out. And that I'll never know true love. But you've given me a little hope. 🙏🏻
Sheryl been over 30 odd years of marriage for me and nearly 4 years separated hopefully will meet the man of my dreams and travel buddy one day just like yourself. Wishing you peace and happiness you deserve. 🙏
Sheryl Bracht, how did you trust yourself to not repeat the same relationship? I was 18.5 years married 2 years separated/divorce & now 1.5 years divorced. Healing is happening but I have fear.
When I pointed out the ongoing silent treatment, the narcissist didn’t disagree. Instead, he described the material things he had provided for me and I looked like the difficult, ungrateful person. Narcissists use this redirection tactic because it is simple and it works. It kept me stuck for years, until Dr C gave it a name - narcissistic abuse.
So very true, my mother would do the same when I would talk with her bout important things, completely check out while I was speaking. It felt like I was talking to a wall! I started getting frustrated at all the times I tried to communicate with her, she turned into a wall. I started behaving narcissistic myself towards, her by demanding , her to respond. They are very dark souls, and the fact that someone could take a seriously important conversation, and gaslight the person through there darkness. Completely defeats me into working together with her. Anyways I sympathize with your suffering. It’s hard! But I’ve chosen to seek Gods wisdom in battles with these souls that I believe are trapped by demons. So I’m going to pray spiritual warfare over them. God bless❤️
@@candywilkins386 so true, to continue what I wrote, my mother would gaslight me until I would react in an anxiety attack, then she would say she ways afraid of me? 🤔 because I would start to cry and talk louder to voice my frustration towards her, but she found a way to turn a frustrated person into her smelling like a peach and me like the opposite. 🤨 It’s like how a cat plays with the mouse 🐭 When the mouse stops reacting, the cat will pat the mouse again to make it react again. I’m slowly learning to stop caring and working with someone who even though is my family, I’m needing to keep a separate relationship between us. God bless❤️
Yes! It sucks. I’m getting to the point where I can finally feel solid in myself again. I’m creating things I haven’t in years. I hope everyone in this comment section heals❤️❤️
This is why I've always felt like certain family members don't know me at all. It's because they actually don't have an interest in getting to know me. It's all about them. One of my favourite quotes is from the movie The World's Greatest Dad: "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone."
Agree. Other people and interest can be an oasis. I became someone I didn’t like. I became negative, anxious, angry, and felt better alone. I wish I had educated myself on Narcissism earlier but it’s not too late to heal.
this has happened to me the relatives sidelined me for being '' different '' the only mentally healthy people on my mom's side of the family mom and one uncle the rest are gossipy narcs that lie about people that are not narcs i would rather be alone than around narc relatives
You let them in your world with only good intentions and they pretend to be morally good and act like they like you, but meanwhile they're plotting on how to hurt you and take away your smile.
It’s a vicious cycle . Narcissistic not only cause damage but also get other people to perceive you the same way as the “problem “ so it’s hard to get help when no one believes you
I've been living for 50 years, I'm not about to let a hurt lil evil girl mess up my head. ACTIONS!!! That's what we all must do! The narcissist are doing an evil act to destroy your life!!!!! What are you going to do? Treat them like a bully......but worst!
My biggest disappointment with most counselors out there is that they don't seem to have a clue about identifying covert narcissists. These "counselors" seem to have a "one-size-fits-all" treatment and the victim ends up worse than before walking through the counselor's door. I'm so grateful for Dr Carter and other Clinicians for helping us understand this phenomenon, learn to set boundaries, reclaim our sanity, our individuality, and our freedom. Thank You!!!
I agree! Yes! I sought a psychologist for help because my ex wouldn't work on our relationship. They tried to diagnose me with a personality disorder in the first session. I was protecting my ex and not disclosing the physical and psychological abuse. It took me so much time to unravel the gaslighting and cohesive control. My ex is definitely a covert narc.
I went to a marriage counselor at calvary of Albuquerque and it really was useless. The narcissists can easily manipulate a counselor that's not a professional.
@@Raven.13 The narc makes you feel like you should protect them, be loyal, even in the psychologist's office! If you can't be honest with a psychologist, they may realize something is 'off', but they won't be able to figure out what's going on ....
They love to upset people... So that they can blame them for being upset...and call them a negative person. I do believe they get an adrenaline rush out of doing sneaky abusive things to people....and this becomes habitual.
An overwhelmingly dominant personality such as a narcissist's biggest nightmare is someone who doesn't fear the outcome of walking all over their codes/rules. Nothing will make them flee from you quicker than having that demeanor of my spirit is bulletproof and I will publicly unmask you and put you in your place if you try me , they will disappear swiftly. They fear others having strength and indifference.
Spot On! My 33 & 35 year olds have been playing my buttons until I started developing boundaries several years back. The blow ups at me escalated to the point I finally calmy put my foot down and now they want nothing to do with me. I really had rose colored glasses on with my children’s ill behavior but, only towards me. I didn’t like who they had become(behavior) towards others, and although , they seemed angry at me all the time, at least they were in my life. So, I tried to be an exceptional role model with good character traits well, that didn’t work. I’m at the end of putting all the puzzle pieces together. I suddenly concluded, I walked on eggshells all those years out of guilt ( leaving there dad I’d met in high school over 30 years ago, he was extremely abusive) I wish I would have set better boundaries years ago had I known what I do today. I found out he never stopped bad mouthing me , even to my own family and high school friends. I was recently made aware of that! Moreover, , after the last 10 years of healing I clearly recognized my angry, dismissive mother whom never touched or told me she loved me had a tremendous effect on how I treated myself. I understand now why I tolerated such bad behavior from so many, as an adult. Anyhow, in some strange way I feel like I’m finally free from some nightmare, and I can finally live my life in peace at almost 60! 🙌 Blessings on your journey 🙏
Yeah it almost funny when you won’t play their games I tell him I’m going to play your sick games now he won’t help me with anything I won’t to do because that what your for supply to take all the blame !
I know that one. Funny enough i myself told my sister she was a narc because she actually is one! But i am sure she iwill turn it around and say to everyone that i am the narc and i was just projecting onto her. She ghosted me anyway after I called her out on her poor behaviour, so not even sure she looked at that email of mine. Doesnt matter. i put it out there into the universe and i know the truth. They do make you go crazy thinking that you are the problem. I have gone no contact with her (and the brother and mother both narcs as well)
I know! Same here. And then they repeat it so often. I recently called out the covert sister but of course she now tells everyone that I am the narc and was just projecting onto her! I have had years of therapy: clue: none of the 4 family members who are narcs have! both parents and both siblings are horrid, very intelligent but the father and brother sadistic traits whilst telling me I am mean and calling me god-awful names. Trouble is the older the brother got, the more underhand and manipulative he was, it all went more covert so everyone thought I should be more 'forgiving' because he had 'changed'. Worst mistake ever to believe in that. A narc is a narc is a narc. They are not just mean on Tuesday and Wednesday. They are mean all week all day long, just manage to hide it better. And I am good now that I have gone no contact with them all. That is the best evidence. if you can live peacefully with others, give and receive love when you are away from these chaotic people, then you are good.
I used to think "They're hurting, go easy on them." But now I think, "No. Enough is enough." It's difficult to walk away when you care for someone, but there are only so many times you can kick a dog before it walks away.
Anyone telling you that they are hurt little children and don't, realize what they are doing is full of crap. They are not hurt little children,they are fully grown manipulative,lying adults who know full well what they are doing.Positive the phrase "Hurting people hurt people" was coined by a Narcissist in an attempt to minimize the damage they cause.
I'm going to guess one/state one I've experienced. They do something insensitive and invasive, and when you set the slightest boundary in response to it, they insist that you instigated an absurd conflict for no reason.
I really started thinking that something is wrong with me, and I searched through all personality disorders to find out what is wrong with me and then I came across all the narcissistic stuff and finally I can clearly see I am not the problem! My husband follows all the patterns of making me look and feel like the problem...
I actually went to a psychologist for help, the sad thing is that I was trying to discuss my reactions to my ex without disclosing the psychological and physical abuse, I was always protecting him. He would never do counselling with me. So I took myself to get help. In the first session the psychologist took out her DSM and flicked through the pages to suggest diagnoses. She was going to diagnose me with BPD. That's how scary this shit it. Now that I have left and unraveled the gaslighting and cohesive control I see how I was made to look and feel like the problem. I'm scared he will use that against me. I took out an AVO to keep him away from me, best thing I ever did. Apart from the trauma left behind as I recall events I feel sane and normal, I have no disorder I hold none of those traits with ANYONE in my life. RUN as fast as you can.
i do. if someone else seeks to snuff out my light and take my capacity to care away, nah, i'll keep showing up until they realize my light can't be snuffed out. if they never realize it? their loss, not mine.
My mother was a master manipulator and able to recruit everyone friends and family onto her side. Since no one ever saw her in action when she was saying and doing cruel things to me she made herself look innocent and was an expert at playing the victim. I would have to keep my mouth shut because if I spoke up then I was the bad person and she would inform all her friends and the family members about what a problem I was. I once tried to confide in a family member about what was going on and they went straight to her and told on me. It's enough to make you lose your marbles. It was nothing but constant mental and emotional torture my entire life around her and not having anyone on my side or knowing what was going on behind closed doors took a terrible toll on my self worth. Watching your videos makes me feel a bit better knowing someone understands what it is like living with these manipulators.
Yes, every word. Same with my mother and her other 3 daughters who now term as the " flying monkeys ". Unable to think for themselves. And my mother told all of them I was JEALOUS of them to alienate them from me. Theres just no end to a Narcissists methods of manipulation, brainwashing and games ..
@@victoriaholler2949 Seems like their ability to cause us pain brings them pleasure. My mother made it her mission to hurt me as often as possible. Somehow it brings me a little peace to know others understand what I went through because she made me feel like I was crazy.
A lot of toxic workplaces use that "not a good team player' to the point where I don't want to work in a 'team' setting at all. "Good team player' means doing all the work while getting blamed for other's mistakes and never being able to voice an opinion. Small wonder people prefer to work from home.
I had a narcissistic manager who postponed our weekly status meetings at the last minute every week for 6 months so he could blindside me with a negative performance review. I played super dumb, pretending not to understand all the innuendoes and corporate euphemisms. I actually laughed in his face when he said I had attempted to “create a rift” in the team, because he had actually succeeded in causing a rift during that performance review period. It was fun watching him escalate the insults because I wasn’t visibly suffering as he hoped. Finally we ran out of time. Corporate jobs suck.
for years i made the mistake of thinking female centred workplaces would be preferable, more kinder to building sites or workshops full of grunting males, boy was i wrong lol. .
@@sandraaustin2120 maybe that too but I think Dr. C meant that they don't have understanding as a goal in general because it doesn't suit their needs so why waste time or bother if they can't see an up side. They care about how to use info to get them supply so they control and manage the info in such a way they misunderstand on purpose, like Devil's advocate or choose to not communicate as a mechanism to keep them from accountability. That's they way I took Dr. Cs comment. But you are right that they have a lot of cognitive dissonance and that too is like a built in defense mechanism of denial and projection, etc...the higher functioning Machiavellian ones totally understand but choose not too because they enjoy the chaos it creates. The HG Tudor types can But choose not to because it is too much fun to pass up. Like a crisis needs to be exploited by a Political narcissist, a conversation needs to be exploited by a dark triad narc. Thanks for your point. Most probably just can't, like you said.
Yes, it’s just like in a toxic family. They are incapable of understanding who we are, they don’t see us as individuals or our own persons, because they can only see us as a “roll” that they put us in to serve them. They will ONLY love you when it benefits them, and if your not giving them what they want then they will blame you and make you out to be the wrong one, as if you have to “earn” their love. Remember that you deserve to be loved unconditionally, NOT transactionally
When I moved away I didn’t realize that I was being bad mouthed and lied about by my family. When I returned, it was oblivious, no one is speaking to me, even friends would say, “ I heard your a bad person” 😳 The vindictiveness never ends with them.
@@unicornus33 I agree ! Then, you have to get to the SOURCE, the individual(s) who made the sadistic choice to spread the horrible lies, because they wanted to isolate, triangulate, degrade, and inflict more pain, probably out of malignant jealousy. Next, depending on who is involved, then perhaps calling them out on it, or not (it depends) may be in order. Last, once you catch wind of this, you can begin working to set yourself free. It is bad enough when the outside (society) smears you, but when it comes from a family member, or multiple members, that is despicable ! Please stay strong and know you are NOT alone...keep fighting ! Remember ..that you may be interacting with VERY emotionally disturbed (ASPD/Dark Triad) individual(s), who may be the type to "KICK A DOG WHILE THEY ARE DOWN"..and want your demise ! It is very sick...indeed !
@@jengable4888 thank you for the encouragement. And yes it is a sad day when you realize your family members are literally your enemies and want bad things for you.
There’s no use trying to explain yourself to a narc family, quietly remove yourself and block them, they will never get it, apologize, validate, etc..they’re worthless people
@musicandpoetry_8 and even when you pull yourself out and cut off. "We" the healing will be the villains in their story.. Too bad actions speak louder than words. In a narc world, nothing moves. In healing, everything moves! ♥️
Not had that but I've had the nobody else thinks like that, talks about/like that, nobody else does that, other people agree with me, you need to be more understanding, blah blah blah...... my now 80 year old parents did a psychological number on me. Predominantly father blaming, mother shaming. I thought it was me. Now I realise I was heavily conditioned, brain washed to believe everything was somehow my fault. The icing on the cake is my mother now saying I'm indecisive! Yet she is jealous of the things ive done. All the while im battling with illness. If they're threatening to call someone else, id say let them and pack your bags ✌
oh yes! or the "EVERYBODY" thinks this way about you! naming my own family members! close ones, too! i actually took those lies to my loved ones who were so confused by the whole situation anyway & even more so When I asked if they had said these things. Of course they didn't - they couldn't understand why they would say that they did. I never believed anything they said ever again in reference to that sort of thing after that and I felt bad that I bought into it and called people I love dearly (and love me dearly) out on just a bunch of yuck! it's so hurtful. i'll never be okay no matter how enlightened i have become. never.
I KNEW I was narcissistic for years and years, but professionals said if I was one, I would not know it. I DID know it, and my goodness-watching these videos is allowing me to identify my behaviors, and CHANGE them! My wife has already noticed the change!
@@monicahocking1507, there are many false ideas about narcissism and what you said is one of them. The reality is that it is a defense against borderline symptoms, which basically means feelings of abandonment and lack of support. If a person is willing to emotionally go through lots of fear, pain and shame then he can get better, i.e. less narcissistic. It is an addiction to a false self, just like any other addiction. It is not a distinct type of person.
I remember my narcissistic dad calling me manipulative when I was a kid. Then, I didn’t even understand the word “manipulative.” Now that I’m older, I feel he was projecting, blaming me for his own behavior.
Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a little kid who just says “ I know you are but what am I ” to everything. Whether it makes sense or not. They just want to get that rise.
I found the most useful thing to say to a narcissist is "so what?" My ex would throw criticisms one after another, and he would get more and more annoyed that I wasn't bothered by his words and kept telling him "so what?" It made him look like the problem because I stayed calm and he got more and more agitated.
Am in horrible situation. I left to another state with him. Listening to this makes my heart smile. Thank you. Now I have to figure out my exit plan. Sleeping in my own car tonight. Thank God I kept my car.
With a narcissist you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't matter what you do they will find fault. It took several very painful experiences with my narcissist family and husband to learn about reactive abuse that's what they want to provoke you into being the bad guy. It is so satisfying to be able to just turn around and leave they can't stand that!
@@jengable4888 Exactly- and most of the time money and/or circumstances keep someone from being able to leave and they know that. It's cruel to the least.
@@TruthBeTold0914 that is done with INTENT and you're 100% correct ! It IS sadistic, manipulative, HIGHLY controlling, furthers the victimization, clinically insane for some of us, and CRIMINAL ! If what happened to some of us occured in the UK or France, the offenders who fly under the radar in the US, would be incarcerated !
Narcissistic personalities scare me. I always buy into their bs and end up doubting my own opinions and even my intelligence. It’s gaslighting on an entirely different level.
@lschrandt Doubting your own opinions and intelligence...isn't that painful? Especially after the narcissist gives you the silent treatment, looking down their long nose with shame and dissatisfaction, just as they careen their head up towards the heavens with their self-assured, superior judgement. In watching many of these videos with Doctor C, I have concluded that the only proper response is no response, mind blowing and frustrating as it is. Why can't two grown men in their 50s agree to disagree about something? Because one of them needs to feel superior, is still extremely broken, and ultimately resents someone like me who has the audacity to assert themselves and perhaps think outside of the narcissist's little paradigm. I can 100% "to each their own", but still have my own convictions and opinions. He couldn't. His pollyanna couldn't handle my matter-of-fact. Be careful showing too much of your intelligence around the narcissist. Their "control and contain" work ethic latches on like a steel jawed trap. And then they dismiss you! Of all things!
@@FreeLife2022 Narcissists are nothing if not resourceful in maintaining their large and fragile egos. There is no problem in saying what needs to be said to put a narcissist in their place or doing what needs to be done to eliminate them from your life, however, it is certainly a problem if they happen to be your employer and your livelihood depends on them. Good luck!
I hate these kinds of interactions. The gaslighting and how disoriented I get because I want to be responsible, conscious and accountable for my actions and interactions. You cannot negotiate with a narcissist and come to a mutual agreement.
@margochanning6868 With Narcs, we have to pretend we are attending business meetings to get through it. Sticking only to facts, being polite & keeping our opinions and feelings out of that. (Otherwise, they tend to get a "rise" and win). We won't let them anymore. ♥️ Hope you're healing.
I only began researching what a Narcissist was because I was being called one. And when I learned what it was, it really appears as if the person who accused me of being a narcissist was the narcissist. I was way too pleasing and when I started enforcing my own personal boundaries, thats when she really showed her true colors
Spot on! The same thing happened to me, started about 10 months ago, literally was called a narcissist by my daughter then now exgirlfriend along with no contact. So I looked into this word.. All I did was ask ex when she could help pay the rent again (it had been 3 yrs, out of 8 yrs) Instead of a conversation, she screams at me, "if you were any kind of man, you'd pay it and wouldn't complain", followed by her yelling, name calling and blame shifting. Terms I've recently learned. Unreal the damage caused by loved ones. I went from happy to suicidal. Ex turned my kids against me. I've been in a frozen mode, extremely depressed from my life's decisions from lack of boundaries. I've learned a bunch and yes, I believe after much counciling /research my daughter and ex have issues themselves. 3 different counsilors say I'm codependant and definitely not a narcissist. I have always been a giver and some takers don't understand till ya shut off the funds. Yeah it could be or appear controling on my part but it's really not. It's called boundries which I have lacked in till now.
The “shame you for independent thinking” really hit home… “oh well I guess you know everything,” “you just want to control,” or “why does everything have to be your way?” (When in reality you never get your way because they never even consider your thoughts)… Expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions is not trying to control anyone, it’s being respectful of myself and holding a space for myself while attempting genuine communication and understanding… just so maddening when you try to communicate with these people…
100%! Or the “you just want me all to yourself” and “you never want me to have any friends”, when they literally talking to their friends 24/7 and hang out as much as possible. 🙄
They say all those things about me. They expect me to support their crabs, their mess practices , their insecurities and their discomforts about life as a whole, their fear of the unknown. They hate my independence, my strength and my strong will. They hate everything about me. THEY HATE ME FOR BEING THE CHOSEN ONE. I am , the true child of the Living God and not a fake. They hate my authenticity, for being truthful.
They push you into defence mode and then when you try to explain and justify your thoughts and feelings their reaction is "How dare you try to justify your reactions." It's a no win situation!
That's another good point, pushing you into defense mode. That is not a healthy form of human communication nor interactions. I think the best policy in dealing with that is to be upfront when they do so. Sure, you will get a nasty reaction in return but it's a fine art on how one can communicate/interact with them. Only give short and stern responses,. Go right for the jugular. Do not insult, do not become verbally abusive, do not escalate. If they keep it up, which they will, continue with the same approach. Like a child having a tantrum, correct the behavior. And like a child, you won't get far in trying to correct that behavior; however, the child will eventually learn that you are not to be reckoned with. It takes a lot of patience and time but you'll get there. Eventually they will limit their interactions with you. Don't want to sound like I am preaching. It's easier said than done. Trust me, I know! It's hard for people who are at peace with themselves, and with others, to deal with narcs.
They could say something overtly abusive to you, and when you point it out and say NO, its "sorry im not perfect" and your boundary gets twisted into a criticism of them. That opens a can of worms because the narcissist is vain, and any perceived flaws you may be bringing to light are just too uncomfortable for them to face up to. So in their world, you have to tolerate abuse, cruelty, profanity and moreover insults to your intelligence, in order to preserve the facade that the narcissist is holier than thou.
I was occasionally ridiculed as a child but I was also encouraged to be assertive and independent so as an adult I responded to ridicule assertively it didn't help me though because as an adult the narcissist was not respectful. There are varied degrees of narcissists too some of them I can get along with in small doses others I can't tolerate one minute of them depends how much damage they have done relationships need to have more positive than negative experiences to justify keeping someone in your life. If someone abuses you to the point you can't recall anything you like about them and are always uncomfortable around them don't deny that instinct.
I dont think i can get rid of it in my lifetime. I am 59 and only recently managed to go no contact with the mother brother and sister. All narcs in various versions. It all blew upmwhen the father passed last year. And yes you guessed it he was a narc as well. Bothe he and the sister were top executives in two different blue chips. I have no idea why i was stupid enough not to recognise they were narcs. It is the most obvious thing !! The sister is absolutely machiavellian and covert. She kept me believing that she was on my side for decades !!! The whole thing nearly broke me. But my husband is a good man and i had him pep talk me nonstop through the past months. It is a cliff hanger every day but slowly getting better. Good luck to you! Blessings
@@marian9410 I went to see my dad. Be nice give him a chance. I'm 58. He blew it. Plus he brought up a cousin he idores. Brags about her. When his own daughter was sitting in front of him. Still ignored What I done on my own. He never helped. Cousin had very supportive parents.
My heart goes out to the people who dealt with this kind of abuse for years. I was dating a narc for a few weeks and thought I was going to lose my MIND! He looked at EVERYTHING like a battle or competition. He even went as far as to say that I don't like to be held accountable whenever he blame shifted or dismissed my opinions, ideas, or feelings. I have NEVER had any men in my past or exes say that about me so that's how I know its not true. I have NEVER had to to explain myself so much and then he'd just continue to attack me over, and over, and over again anytime I explained what I meant. I have never had someone misunderstand EVERYTHING I say. So emotionally exhausting. I told him that he was toxic and emotionally abusive and then I blocked him. Good riddance!
Guessing: I bet one trick is at a group event they verbally nudge at something their target feels sensitive about, and when the target gets flustered, the narcissist looks like "What's wrong with YOU?" and looks at others like "See? What did I tell you?"
You are spot on. I've got some notes from a work colleague (that they have done as a witness statement) and in it there is one situation where they did this, and then when I had left the room they said "That's him showing his aggressive side - don't you think". This was actually something where I wasn't even being aggressive but it's what she wanted to see so she said I was being aggressive anyway.
Once the narcissist smears you,its sets like concrete to these people, I made the mistake of trying to reason with people, and defend myself, plus I freaked out badly when the smear happened, which gave them more ammo
They love twisting things. I remember once I confided in my ex narc about how I grew up in poverty and I mentioned how it caused new feelings of envy and etc and he made a point to say that I was just a jealous and spiteful person because of what others had in front of his family. I was so embarrassed. That's just one example that's just one example of how they can twist things to make you seem like you're the bad guy. And they're really good at it too
Yeah they’re really cruel they use the most horrible things that happened to you and your life to hurt you they’re not even human beings in my estimation you don’t have any empathy for another human beings and you’re not human like aliens
@ Jessica It's f**king horrible when they do that. You get that sick to your gut feeling of the betrayal. Just know that you are the one who did nothing wrong. You confided and they betrayed you. They are completely to blame for that. Narcissists try and get your secrets, your true feelings and then they try and destroy you. Never feel ashamed of what you might have said, they feed off shame. Love yourself ♥️ and tell them to f**k off.
Twisting things, then giving them a negative spin, so that they look like heroes for putting up with you. The thing is, it doesnt even have to be any private confidence. They'll use anything. My husband went up to an acquaintance and said, "my wife is a RUclips expert," made me look like an internet addict... I am 56, and he was talking to someone in my parents' generation. That sort of comment sounds terrible to someone from that generation. Maybe I should have said, I am becoming a narcissism expert to deal with YOU, thank God for RUclips...
It took me years to realize that my husband was an sadistic narcissistic person. But thanks to prayer and the word of God, I made it through and now I am helping other women who are in the same situation.
I made the mistake of giving them a taste of their own medicine. All that they did was turn it back to me and acted as if I was the one doing it the entire time. I was accused of being the narcissist.
The problem with attempting to heal and help bring a Narcissist to wholeness is that they first have to admit they are broken, hurting, and recognize their fallen behaviors. They are too terrified to take the risk. Remember the expression which says: To save a drowning man, he must surrender completely. If he fights you, both will drown. It fits here.
If a person's personality pattern is clearly some version of narcissism, then it is futile to try to help and 'heal' them. It will never happen. Everyone else has a problem. Never them.
You can never point out narcissistic traits to a narcissist. They won't hear it and can't see it. For many years whenever I expressed an independent thought, the narc in my life would say YOU SCARE ME SOMETIMES, as though I was some monstrous entity who dared to think for myself. It worked....until it didn't anymore.
I’ve had similar experiences. I’m sorry you’re going through that - that’s a difficult double standard that’s not fair to you. I hope your situation improves!!
My first, and hopefully my last, narcissistic relationship, I became so bitter. I used to be so carefree and laugh all the time. I find it hard to find things funny anymore, really. Right before it ended I had started getting really bad anxiety attacks, which I've never really experienced in my life. I gave up my ENTIRE LIFE for this woman, remodeled a house, endlessly tried to keep up with her insatiable desire for money that she spent poorly...and I was left with what she thought was mine on the backporch after I really started to catch on...and never to be heard from again. That was 4 months ago, and I'm still not entirely myself, and I'm genuinely concerned I never will be. These people will traumatize you beyond belief. I am lucky to have even gotten a fraction of the confidence I used to have.
You will be an even better version of your old self. You’ll be able see through lies and manipulation others try to throw at you. And you’ll be able to walk away when they try to fool you. Your sense of humor will come back and you will be able to laugh. Rejoice when that day happens; it’s a total victory!
Same story 😍omg..its sad..but most of i am angry..bitter..and i want to educate myself and become teraupist ..help other😍...i feel for you..stay strong❤️❤️
Yeah bud I was married 13 years to a narcissistic woman and it wrecked my personality too. My parents are old school and never said anything to us kids when it came to our relationships, but my old man in private told my mom that I needed to get out of my marriage because I had changed so much for the worse and that he missed his happy go lucky son. I finally got out but I am still not unscathed. My ex accuses me weekly of being the narcissistic one. She constantly wants to fight about the same stuff over and over and over. I have had to set boundaries and ignore her when she crosses them. It's high stress when dealing with that woman but I am hoping times the healer.
The hardest part of recovery from a narcissistic relationship is forgiving yourself for putting up with it for so long. This video really helped because my sister convinced me for years that I was the problem. The abuse intensified when I finally walked away and I jumped for the continuing abusive bait for a while. Now I hit delete, she can hand me the poison but I don’t have to drink it. Freedom.
The best way to get rid of a narcissistic person is to just tell them you forgive them for their arrogance, forget they exist and move on with your life.
I just said this to my therapist the other day - "it almost feels like the last 12 yrs of my life doesn't even exist." Like I never even met this man, married, built a house, went on motorcycle trips, went camping all summer. She said it was my defense mechanism due to trauma of trying to navigate his blaming me for being the problem and turning himself into the victim. She said I'm still in the grieving process as it has only been 5 wks since I moved out even though he announced he was done almost 5 mos ago and still won't complete the divorce process.
This is so on point. I was with a narcissist for 10 years. Turned my world upside down and tried to turn everyone on me. I used to walk on eggshells in my own home, was afraid to even ask a question. I was in a horrible gilded cage,, he had everyone fooled.. Felt like I was losing my mind. Life is much better now that I have gotten away from that relationship.
Congrats for getting away! I went through the same thing for 10 years with my Narcissistic ex girlfriend. Walking on eggshells. They have so many expectations and you can't tell them one single thing about themself. They need to improve nothing smh
Hmm are u sure is been that ? Usually narcisism means that u are more inteligent ,even if is only emotional,so they will be interested to see your point. My mom 100 percent had paranoic disorder(the crazy type) and victim syndrom so that is much more worse from other diagnoses ,because these people dont make even suicide ,they so much want to be victims that will never do that cus then emotional pain will end. That it increase so much that finally u cant be even with there 5 minutes in the same room if u are alone,even on the phone is the same. Is very long to explain what are the consequences when even when u are grown up your legacy depends from this kind insane person so i had quit,it was final time before to freak out someday and to be too late. Also reason to quit this people life is because more simple minded people around them feel for them ,because they dont them well. Yep ,im 34 and i finally discovered my mom diagnose name
I am 59 and only recently gone no contact with mother and both narc sibling. Father narc passed away last year and i suddenly realised i had been caught all my life in a web of lies gaslighting betrayal covert operations deceit. I feel liberated but what a waste of my love on these empty vampire shells
When you said "being accused for being a narcissist". I had to laugh so hard. Exactly what I'm dealing with with my narcissist. And yes, he turned me into this person I absolutely didn't like
Same here. Find myself mirroring back at them. So tempting to react or even attack without provocation. This is not me. It's the conditioning over the years. At least I know now where, and why my rebellious behavior began.
@@QuilaGee A few months ago, I found out a friend has narcissistic traits and she told me that I was too self-centered and focused on myself... Poor lady, I really feel sorry for her, but I've gone no contact and can't help her now, sadly.
He called me a psycho path today lol. Says the one who sat next to me when I was crying and said it had litterally no affect on him in the darkest voice ive heard. Or last week when I was in excruciating pain could barely walk. He only cared about getting his video for his insta, making me stand to film it. I was fed up and said no. He acted like it was all my fault he couldn't get his video, I was practically almost limping. I even told him if you had any idea how much pain I'm in you wouldn't be so cruel to me.
I learned with my mom and dad that it makes no difference how you react, you just can never win and you can never be right. My parents went so far to deny my whole childhood and tell me all my memories were false and i just made it up. So the only thing that helps is to just put a lot of distance and when you interact it should be superficial and only chit chat because they are going to pick a fight or complain about your behaviour to others if they get the change.
The thing with this whole diagnosis and lots of Dr. Carter's videos is that it could be simplified down to a few details and mechanisms. These details and these mechanisms then, operating in different circumstances, cause all the different stuff he lists in almost every video. The problem is that it is paradoxical to say that "I deny x", because by making that statement I also affirm that the x is a thing. In a narcissist's experience the other person or interpersonal reality do not exist. It is like attributing malice to a heroin addict who is simply trying to get his fix. The things he does are evil, but he is not doing them purely for the sake of being evil. You must be an imaginary you so he can be an imaginary he, because if you are real, then he must be real too, and for him that is a fate worse than death.
I had to plan and plot to get away from my narcissist now ex-husband. After the divorce and I had tied up all business Loose Ends (taking my name off of all accounts Etc), I said "I never want to see your face again!" That was 9/9/16. Peace:PRICELESS!
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I wish I heard something like this before wasting my 20 years in a marriage with a narcissist. If you're watching this and your spouse does these to you, do NOT waste your life even one more day and get out. The narcissist NEVER change.
The issue is when you don't have good health and you have to rely on them. Covid has put many of us in worse situations with our Narcissist partners. 😢
Wasted 50 years on my all narc parents and both narc siblings. Its a killer to break free and go no contAct but also liberating. I cant believe I wasted my energy on them. Cancer twice lung clots asthma covid hospitalisation. I am 59 and am finally getting on with my life. But these s***s sucked the lifeblood out of me.
Shaming for having independent thought is so real. In fact the entire societies have this trait. It's like an entire collective of narcissists shaming independent thinkers.
I recently had a disagreement with my troubled younger brother. He pulled me out of his truck, trying to provoke an argument. When I refused to engage, he resorted to physical violence, leaving bruises from the dragging and punching. He has some serious issues, and I'm relieved that he's not in a relationship, as he shouldn't subject his partners to such chaos.
I used to hear, "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm the expert on this." He never took my input, but somehow I always got the blame for what went wrong.
The Seven Tricks of the narcissist. From the video. "Their end game is to wear you down". 1. Bait you into an argument. 2. They insist you have to justify everything about yourself. 3. Shame you for your independent thinking. 4. They try to make you feel responsible for their moods. 5. They offer lame excuses you know aren't true, then they blame you. 6. Intimidate you because of your boundaries. 7. They accuse you of being a narcissist. Classic projection. "They have to have an adversary. Because they are adversarial to themselves.".
"why do you make me feel guilty", "I will love you as long as you respect and obey me", "Why do you want so much attention".....when you bring up a concern, they go silent for weeks and ghost you.And when they return its like nothing happened..... I endured infinite silent treatments, rage, disrespectful branding,....I felt like I was chasing him the whole 8 years..Thank God I'm out now.I never had the courage to walk away,he did and it saved me.
@@rosemadder5547 its so exhausting...You feel so lost and you kinda lose yourself..in the end though when you learn the truth,you renew your mind and come out better..
@@rosemadder5547 Yes! "I deserve your respect!" while treating me abominably. Word of advice. Never answer, "Why?" or "So do I" and do not laugh.It does not improve the situation.
We never knew why my grandma was seemingly so mean and could flip at a switch. The more we look into true clinical narcissism, the more we’ve realized this is why she can’t act like a “normal” human being. She’s 86 and has driven 90% of her family away.
The main feeling I had in the relationship was that nothing I did or said was ever right. Every attempt at a conversation would turn into an argument where he'd never answer any questions but tried to turn what I said against me. He would then try to blame me for making him feel bad/hurt. Any mention of anything he did would lead to this. Things were only "okay" as long as I just agreed with everything he said and was there only when it was convenient for him.
I cannot tell how many times I have been called a "narcissistic" by the one with the narcissistic traits. I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mother and therefore have my "defense mechanisms". They might resemble narcissistic traits. However, I am not a narcissistic person because I am constantly checking in with myself "Am I a narcissist?" It's impossible to be a narcissist and do that.
![OsamaSon - ik what you did last summer [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/4DIQDnu3mr4/mqdefault.jpg)
Arguing with a narcissist is like getting arrested - anything you say can and will be used against you.
I told mine, I don't entertain distortion. I ask you to leave if you start. He was like implying I'm leaving when you start. I repeat and told him it's distortion and I'm not entertain it.
So true.
I can vouch for that especially because the ex-husband narcissist in my life is a cop.
Yes this has been my life growing up unfortunately
@@helenemohlin4261 what is distortion?
Never waste your time explaining yourself to anyone intent on misunderstanding you.
^wisdom for the ages
That is brilliant 😃
I'm learning that more and more.
Excellent way of putting it!
One I'm going to copy. Thanks for sharing.
When a narcissist is blaming or accusing,
he is actually confessing.
Yep! You get it.
Absolutely I noticed this too, when my boyfriend was staying out all night long and then would accuse me of being disrespectful and disloyal calling me “slut” ect ect. I Said all you’re doing Is telling on yourself seen as I was home and you were out all night I was not in any position to have an opportunity to be any of those things yet you were! lol he hates that I have the ability to see thru his bs. and then he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes he can’t relate he can literally call me a derogatory name and I will repeat his own words and he reacts as of I’M CALLING him the names and just can’t believe it! It is ridiculous! So therefore Anything he tells me I’m doing I know he is. Because he can’t see anything from any other perspective but his own and if he’s thinking it or doing it well everyone must do the same! It’s utter insanity and the rage that manifests when I call out his lies and manipulative behavior he LOSES IT! and it’s beginning to get physical and I know it’s not going to get better it’s only escalating but being disabled and not having anywhere to go and he won’t leave cuz he’s got a free ride there’s very little hope for Me to escape this relationship from hell
@@cjhortonvalliere3285 maybe contact law enforcement and other agencies committed to protecting women from abuse by their significant other.
@@cjhortonvalliere3285there’s always a way out !!!! Speak even to police if you must ! These people are dangerous and if he’s getting physical then you MUST leave please 🙏🏼
yes yes yes
Be careful. A narcissist will turn it around and gaslight you into thinking maybe you're the problem.
Yes ! They will lie and smear you to others ! Also, legal action must be taken when lies are written on police reports!
They will do the smear/spread campaign and tell those you are the problem using a nasty word
@@JenGable-Justeson Will I need an attorney for the legal action?
How can u tell if theyre doing this? Im jus stuck in a loop wonderin if im the peice of shit narcissistic cunt or if they are, its not fun
They will never admit to them being the problem. Think of a person on a pedestal. That is them.What they do think or say will always be RIGHT in their mind. Nobody else will be.
1. Bait you into arguing to use against you
2. Insist you have to justify your actions/feelings
3. Shame you for independent thoughts
4. Make you feel responsible for their mood
5. Offer lame excuses then blame you for your reaction
6. Try to intimidate you when you have boundaries
7. Accuse you of being a Narcissist
All of this is done to WEAR YOU DOWN, become weak, anxious, depressed, withdrawn, negative and cynical.
thanks 😊
(Just like them)
My dads wife and assistant ( fantasy girlfriend) yes I said that… are both narcissists trying to alienate me from my dad. He knows how they are but I’m starting to think he likes it😂 he tries to lump me in with “all these women fighting over him” 😂 Gross
He’s very I’ll but I can’t be around these horrible women. Sorry Dad I’m starting to think you might be mentally ill and are not a good parent either. They can have him and “The Will”. I am healthy happy and financially secure … just another reason they are intimidated by me. Have fun with your women Dad 😂
I agree with all of this and had experienced it within the marriage with my ex, who was a classic narc.
Job well done for my Narc he's passed all 7 with flying colors. 😢
They are attracted to your spirit and vitality. They live to break your spirit and snuff out your light. Never again ✨
EXACTLY
@@JenniferL-b4g yes! Broken people who look to bring others down to their level.
Yes they are energy vampires
Preach!
Careful with your Light IF you are required to share space/time with the parasite. Listen, smile, keep conversations brief and neutral.
Nobody has ever accused me of narcissism until I met a real narcissist.
That's how it works.
Its so ironic how that equation works for them. Blows my mind….
@saucejones exactly! And now they're dating the girl they told me not to worry about. The "just a friend" they post about her like she's everything all while still posting songs I dedicated to them haha a mockery. Crazy how narcissist will still attempt to indirectly play at your strings.
I had never even heard the word until my ex who turned out to be a narc told me that her previous ex was one. That's actually what made me research narcissism and realize that she was the narc. They're projection is insane.
Definitely felt that!
I left my entire family because of narcissistic abuse, enablers and flying monkeys. I now live free, safe and peacefully.
❤
Love this ❤
Same!
Narcissm runs in my family as well
cheers to you carol I did exactly the same thing
1) recognize the narcissist
2) don't take in anything they say about you - good or bad
3) stop seeking their approval / permission / understanding
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
4) Get away and STAY AWAY
Yes and number 3 is hardest as I hate misunderstandings and have to see what Dr. C said as they meant to misunderstand you or never cared to understand you. It is hard because I hate it when people can't seek solutions and feel like part of me just can't admit they have problems and I am safer away from family members I love. The other hard part is giving up. I was taught like many Americans of my generation that perseverance is important and valuable. It is hard to fight that trait and that trait is what often drew NPDs to me I think. They saw it as lots of supply but to me it is just a part of my DNA almost and I have learned to be more cautious thanks to Dr. C
Good statement, thank you
Thanks for this, this channel truly sets people Free from bondage
No one has ever regretted going no contact.
I certainly don’t!
More peaceful & no drama on this side. ❤
Not one person ever! It's crazy how peaceful it can be.
Everything they accuse you of, they are doing it!! Everything, from being a terrible partner and being a psycho, to cheating!
Huge FACTS !
hahahaha boy did you nail that one! exactly!
Oh yes that's basic. 💯
U have nailed it
I'm going through this right now!!!!!!
They love telling you "You're too sensitive!"
Always, and overthink things
@@impossiblegems could you please do a favor for a random guy on RUclips? Could you please give me a few other examples of what a narcissist does in relationships? I’m trying to figure out if my partner has narcissistic tendencies.
Id really appreciate it.
If not, that’s okay.
If so, thanks in advanced.
Yes I get that all the time
@@lolasmith1585 Me too
They are the least sensitive people in the world. I was told my feelings are just excuses.
You have to walk on eggshells around a narcissist. Consistently checking how they might interpret your words in a way that makes you look bad. Almost anything you say - even something as innocent as saying it’s about to rain - can lead to an argument or lead the conversation down a path that makes you look stupid.
Believe in yourself. Trust yourself.
Yes !!
So true.
Yes I definitely have the same problems as you have written about boy isn’t it hard work it’s ! It’s all a waist of time and energy they suck the joy out of everything , and love to ruin birthdays Christmas anniversary’s 25 years and nothing for our anniversary ?
This happened to me on a daily basis. I was loosing my mind.
It's crazy!!!
"They didn't want to understand you in the first place ." EXCELLENT PHRASE !
@Scott's Precious Little Account
That lack of empathy is narcissistic not that you are a narcissist but just self involved. It’s ok to not understand others but not caring shows lack of empathy. Carelessness is allow a trait of NPD.
OMG. That phrase is a game changer!
Absolutely
They play dumb and pretend they don't understand you. So you can over compensate and wear you down to find out how to manipulate you and control you.
With a smile to your face and hate you in your back.
It took me many years to find out the pattern how I got so broken down.
I dicifered the narc code.
And belive me IT is Insanely cruel and calculated destruction of your being just out of no reason at all.
Just pure evil with VERY BIG AROGANT EGOS
My ex told me he studied me. He said what bothered him was no matter what I was one step ahead of him. God was with me and still is.
You know you’re dealing with a narcissist when you constantly ask “why”? Why do they do that, say that, act like that?
Exactly...they love to create confusion!
Absolutely 💯
Omg, yes!
I literally get physically ill in my gut when I know I have to ask why...I know it's going to never be an adult, straight forward answer...It s going to be a lie, a deflection or word salad.......
@@Suzu52 exactly. Plus the added bonus of everything being your fault. The time I’ve spent trying to explain myself. They’ll never get it. They are incapable. But we’re learning and every day gets better
They argue in circles !!!!!
Yes! And you try to ignore them but oh my God they just keep going on and on it’s so hard and then when you finally explode, you’re the “difficult one” 🙄
I diligently went to therapist for two years, trying to fix the person that in reality, my partner caused me to become. The narcissistic abuse made me break and go insane, and my reactions were pointed out as the problem. The gaslighting and manipulation caused me to absolutely believe I was the cause of all our problems. I committed to fixing myself so he would be happier (he never went to therapy because he had no problems.) Strangely enough my “mood swings” and “outbursts” disappeared when I left the relationship. I’m not insane anymore.
It's the same kind of relief as when you get away from a hornet's nest that has been swat.
So glad you got away ❤
GREAT JOB.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you move to a different house or buy a different car because those things remind you of the settings where the abuse occurred? I am considering putting mine on the market.
@@tiffanykennedy788 No, because all those things I already had before the relationship, he was only a guest in my life. He used to complain about how shitty and ugly my car was all the time, but now I embrace it, I really love it. I do have a new apartment which he had never set his foot in.
If you own a home, and need to get out of there because it’s too painful, maybe you can rent a place and at the same time rent out your home? You should never have to make losses because of a bad person who did those things to you.
In all the 47 years of marriage to my ex Covert Narcissist, I NEVER understood why he was always in an adversarial role with me. Always in competition with me. All I wanted was to be partners. He would have none of it. I am now married to the man of my dreams. We are best friends, confidantes, lovers, travel buddies, etc. Run, don’t walk, away from the narcissist in your life. They will NEVER change. Trust me.
You speak for many. Dr. C
I am so happy for you that you got away and found true love. I've been with mine for 17 years and I'm trying to leave but its so expensive. Some days I worry I'll never make it out. And that I'll never know true love. But you've given me a little hope. 🙏🏻
You gave me hope too.
Sheryl been over 30 odd years of marriage for me and nearly 4 years separated hopefully will meet the man of my dreams and travel buddy one day just like yourself. Wishing you peace and happiness you deserve. 🙏
Sheryl Bracht, how did you trust yourself to not repeat the same relationship? I was 18.5 years married 2 years separated/divorce & now 1.5 years divorced. Healing is happening but I have fear.
When I pointed out the ongoing silent treatment, the narcissist didn’t disagree. Instead, he described the material things he had provided for me and I looked like the difficult, ungrateful person. Narcissists use this redirection tactic because it is simple and it works. It kept me stuck for years, until Dr C gave it a name - narcissistic abuse.
This. This. This. You are not alone
Yes. They think the "good things" they do make up for, trump, and overtake anything bad they do.
This was my parents and my ex husband!!!👍👍👍 they dont look at their bad behavior only your reaction!!!!
So very true, my mother would do the same when I would talk with her bout important things, completely check out while I was speaking. It felt like I was talking to a wall! I started getting frustrated at all the times I tried to communicate with her, she turned into a wall. I started behaving narcissistic myself towards, her by demanding , her to respond. They are very dark souls, and the fact that someone could take a seriously important conversation, and gaslight the person through there darkness. Completely defeats me into working together with her.
Anyways I sympathize with your suffering. It’s hard! But I’ve chosen to seek Gods wisdom in battles with these souls that I believe are trapped by demons. So I’m going to pray spiritual warfare over them.
God bless❤️
@@candywilkins386 so true, to continue what I wrote, my mother would gaslight me until I would react in an anxiety attack, then she would say she ways afraid of me? 🤔 because I would start to cry and talk louder to voice my frustration towards her, but she found a way to turn a frustrated person into her smelling like a peach and me like the opposite. 🤨
It’s like how a cat plays with the mouse 🐭
When the mouse stops reacting, the cat will pat the mouse again to make it react again.
I’m slowly learning to stop caring and working with someone who even though is my family, I’m needing to keep a separate relationship between us.
God bless❤️
My feelings are not allowed, been taught this since my childhood
Yep!!!
:(
Yes! It sucks. I’m getting to the point where I can finally feel solid in myself again. I’m creating things I haven’t in years. I hope everyone in this comment section heals❤️❤️
@@carmenishere yes so am i .. moving on from toxic people trying to improve every day
I was taught this too...or rather I somehow picked it up as I went along in childhood. My feelings count and so do yours. 🙏🪷
This is why I've always felt like certain family members don't know me at all. It's because they actually don't have an interest in getting to know me. It's all about them. One of my favourite quotes is from the movie The World's Greatest Dad: "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone."
Agree. Other people and interest can be an oasis.
I became someone I didn’t like.
I became negative, anxious, angry, and felt better alone.
I wish I had educated myself on Narcissism earlier but it’s not too late to heal.
Great movie!
@@shelleynamdar7103 I love it! So underrated.
So you are a narcissist?
this has happened to me the relatives sidelined me for being '' different '' the only mentally healthy people on my mom's side of the family mom and one uncle the rest are gossipy narcs that lie about people that are not narcs i would rather be alone than around narc relatives
You let them in your world with only good intentions and they pretend to be morally good and act like they like you, but meanwhile they're plotting on how to hurt you and take away your smile.
💯💯💯💯💯 true...
Yes girl I can agree I promise I can they are the worst people in the world
So well said.
So so true. They plot and plot..and plot some more. 🙏🪷
Amen
It’s a vicious cycle . Narcissistic not only cause damage but also get other people to perceive you the same way as the “problem “ so it’s hard to get help when no one believes you
Totally relate to this, with their phony act they put on before others.....
Especially as a man. No support out there.
As I man,you have to help yourself! You have to treat a narcissist like a vampire......
Ugh, we understand you! Don't by into their gaslighting!
I've been living for 50 years, I'm not about to let a hurt lil evil girl mess up my head. ACTIONS!!! That's what we all must do! The narcissist are doing an evil act to destroy your life!!!!! What are you going to do? Treat them like a bully......but worst!
Seeing competition where there is NOT.
They embarrass you.
"Narcissists see your boundaries as an invasion of their own" - Dr. C (some time years ago)
@@smac1823 💯
My biggest disappointment with most counselors out there is that they don't seem to have a clue about identifying covert narcissists. These "counselors" seem to have a "one-size-fits-all" treatment and the victim ends up worse than before walking through the counselor's door. I'm so grateful for Dr Carter and other Clinicians for helping us understand this phenomenon, learn to set boundaries, reclaim our sanity, our individuality, and our freedom. Thank You!!!
I agree! Yes!
I sought a psychologist for help because my ex wouldn't work on our relationship. They tried to diagnose me with a personality disorder in the first session. I was protecting my ex and not disclosing the physical and psychological abuse. It took me so much time to unravel the gaslighting and cohesive control.
My ex is definitely a covert narc.
I went to a marriage counselor at calvary of Albuquerque and it really was useless. The narcissists can easily manipulate a counselor that's not a professional.
@@Raven.13 The narc makes you feel like you should protect them, be loyal, even in the psychologist's office! If you can't be honest with a psychologist, they may realize something is 'off', but they won't be able to figure out what's going on ....
👍
95% of psychologists are covert narcs. Exceptions are hard to find…
It is mind-blowing that there is a universal playbook.
That's because the devil never had an original thought or idea of his own and has limited game. His bag of tricks is not a bottomless one.
They love to upset people...
So that they can blame them for being upset...and call them a negative person. I do believe they get an adrenaline rush out of doing sneaky abusive things to people....and this becomes habitual.
Absolutely describes my ex. What a nightmare!
@@AnimaChristisalvame..there are so many of them. They hate peace and quiet.
Sick and twisted, they can live with the misery of never being their authentic self.
They project what was done to them onto others. Like a vampire bites others.
Yeah they feed off pain.
An overwhelmingly dominant personality such as a narcissist's biggest nightmare is someone who doesn't fear the outcome of walking all over their codes/rules. Nothing will make them flee from you quicker than having that demeanor of my spirit is bulletproof and I will publicly unmask you and put you in your place if you try me , they will disappear swiftly. They fear others having strength and indifference.
Spot On! My 33 & 35 year olds have been playing my buttons until I started developing boundaries several years back. The blow ups at me escalated to the point I finally calmy put my foot down and now they want nothing to do with me.
I really had rose colored glasses on with my children’s ill behavior but, only towards me.
I didn’t like who they had become(behavior) towards others, and although , they seemed angry at me all the time, at least they were in my life.
So, I tried to be an exceptional role model with good character traits well, that didn’t work.
I’m at the end of putting all the puzzle pieces together.
I suddenly concluded, I walked on eggshells all those years out of guilt ( leaving there dad I’d met in high school over 30 years ago, he was extremely abusive) I wish I would have set better boundaries years ago had I known what I do today.
I found out he never stopped bad mouthing me , even to my own family and high school friends. I was recently made aware of that!
Moreover, , after the last 10 years of healing I clearly recognized my angry, dismissive mother whom never touched or told me she loved me had a tremendous effect on how I treated myself.
I understand now why I tolerated such bad behavior from so many, as an adult.
Anyhow, in some strange way I feel like I’m finally free from some nightmare, and I can finally live my life in peace at almost 60! 🙌
Blessings on your journey 🙏
@@bodymindsoul60 Better late than never to start your healing process and unplugging from toxicity. Blessings to you aswell🤝🏻
@@observationsincars5083 Amen, ty🙏
@@bodymindsoul60 thank you for sharing your story!
Yeah it almost funny when you won’t play their games I tell him I’m going to play your sick games now he won’t help me with anything I won’t to do because that what your for supply to take all the blame !
Being in their presence is uncomfortable, no peace
No matter what you say, they turn it around and throw it back at you. It’s amazing how often narcissists will label their victim as the narcissist.
Amen
So true
I actually started believing I was a narcissist. My therapist had to convince me I wasn’t 😅
I know that one. Funny enough i myself told my sister she was a narc because she actually is one! But i am sure she iwill turn it around and say to everyone that i am the narc and i was just projecting onto her. She ghosted me anyway after I called her out on her poor behaviour, so not even sure she looked at that email of mine. Doesnt matter. i put it out there into the universe and i know the truth. They do make you go crazy thinking that you are the problem. I have gone no contact with her (and the brother and mother both narcs as well)
Me too
🤗
I know! Same here. And then they repeat it so often. I recently called out the covert sister but of course she now tells everyone that I am the narc and was just projecting onto her! I have had years of therapy: clue: none of the 4 family members who are narcs have! both parents and both siblings are horrid, very intelligent but the father and brother sadistic traits whilst telling me I am mean and calling me god-awful names. Trouble is the older the brother got, the more underhand and manipulative he was, it all went more covert so everyone thought I should be more 'forgiving' because he had 'changed'. Worst mistake ever to believe in that. A narc is a narc is a narc. They are not just mean on Tuesday and Wednesday. They are mean all week all day long, just manage to hide it better. And I am good now that I have gone no contact with them all. That is the best evidence. if you can live peacefully with others, give and receive love when you are away from these chaotic people, then you are good.
I'm struggling with this thought now. My therapist tells me I'm not either.
I used to think "They're hurting, go easy on them." But now I think, "No. Enough is enough." It's difficult to walk away when you care for someone, but there are only so many times you can kick a dog before it walks away.
The kicker needs to be bitten!
One of the symptoms is feeling sorry for them until realizing they're getting over and using.
Anyone telling you that they are hurt little children and don't, realize what they are doing is full of crap.
They are not hurt little children,they are fully grown manipulative,lying adults who know full well what they are doing.Positive the phrase "Hurting people hurt people" was coined by a Narcissist in an attempt to minimize the damage they cause.
We apparently deserve their maltreatment for breathing.
@@kimberlyrea3462 Don't let them read this because apparently they don't know what mercy is or sarcasm. They have no emotion.
I'm going to guess one/state one I've experienced. They do something insensitive and invasive, and when you set the slightest boundary in response to it, they insist that you instigated an absurd conflict for no reason.
You're onto it!
A classic.
Yes. Same here.
I’ve experienced that too.
Spot On!
Emotional immaturity and severe lack of interpersonal skills. The narc in a nutshell.
I really started thinking that something is wrong with me, and I searched through all personality disorders to find out what is wrong with me and then I came across all the narcissistic stuff and finally I can clearly see I am not the problem! My husband follows all the patterns of making me look and feel like the problem...
If he will not seek counseling and continues to psychologically abuse you, perhaps it is time to leave.
Yep. Nothing is ever good enough
I wouldn’t say that means you’re not the problem. You have to ask yourself why you have been vulnerable to them in the first place
@@subg8858 then you disagree with the author of the video, while I think he is right in my case.
I actually went to a psychologist for help, the sad thing is that I was trying to discuss my reactions to my ex without disclosing the psychological and physical abuse, I was always protecting him. He would never do counselling with me. So I took myself to get help. In the first session the psychologist took out her DSM and flicked through the pages to suggest diagnoses. She was going to diagnose me with BPD. That's how scary this shit it.
Now that I have left and unraveled the gaslighting and cohesive control I see how I was made to look and feel like the problem. I'm scared he will use that against me. I took out an AVO to keep him away from me, best thing I ever did. Apart from the trauma left behind as I recall events I feel sane and normal, I have no disorder I hold none of those traits with ANYONE in my life.
RUN as fast as you can.
I heard this one: don’t argue with them. It makes them think you care.
Narcissists can't stand being irrelevant!
i do. if someone else seeks to snuff out my light and take my capacity to care away, nah, i'll keep showing up until they realize my light can't be snuffed out. if they never realize it? their loss, not mine.
@@bennyfrohna7675 why do they need to see you light. that’s validation seeking
@@misanthr0pic no, it's just me meeting my own standards.
My mother was a master manipulator and able to recruit everyone friends and family onto her side. Since no one ever saw her in action when she was saying and doing cruel things to me she made herself look innocent and was an expert at playing the victim. I would have to keep my mouth shut because if I spoke up then I was the bad person and she would inform all her friends and the family members about what a problem I was. I once tried to confide in a family member about what was going on and they went straight to her and told on me. It's enough to make you lose your marbles. It was nothing but constant mental and emotional torture my entire life around her and not having anyone on my side or knowing what was going on behind closed doors took a terrible toll on my self worth. Watching your videos makes me feel a bit better knowing someone understands what it is like living with these manipulators.
We must be sisters because you just described my mother!
@@Kelly-oe8kr Oh Lord, I'm so sorry. It is awful how they can manipulate and control everything. I wish you love and peace sister.🙏
Same happened to me. You are made of strong stuff ♥️♥️♥️
Yes, every word. Same with my mother and her other 3 daughters who now term as the " flying monkeys ". Unable to think for themselves. And my mother told all of them I was JEALOUS of them to alienate them from me. Theres just no end to a Narcissists methods of manipulation, brainwashing and games ..
@@victoriaholler2949 Seems like their ability to cause us pain brings them pleasure. My mother made it her mission to hurt me as often as possible. Somehow it brings me a little peace to know others understand what I went through because she made me feel like I was crazy.
❤ this!
Blame everyone else for THEIR insecureties and failures and SUCK the joy out of EVERYTHING 😢
Omg yes
They're soul sucking parasites!
That's exactly what they do, you are so correct
A lot of toxic workplaces use that "not a good team player' to the point where I don't want to work in a 'team' setting at all. "Good team player' means doing all the work while getting blamed for other's mistakes and never being able to voice an opinion. Small wonder people prefer to work from home.
I always despised the term “team player”.
Immediate turn off for me.
Implies u need to be a mindless follower with no independent thought.
I had a narcissistic manager who postponed our weekly status meetings at the last minute every week for 6 months so he could blindside me with a negative performance review. I played super dumb, pretending not to understand all the innuendoes and corporate euphemisms. I actually laughed in his face when he said I had attempted to “create a rift” in the team, because he had actually succeeded in causing a rift during that performance review period. It was fun watching him escalate the insults because I wasn’t visibly suffering as he hoped. Finally we ran out of time. Corporate jobs suck.
Exactly 💯 %
for years i made the mistake of thinking female centred workplaces would be preferable, more kinder to building sites or workshops full of grunting males, boy was i wrong lol. .
@@NOT_SURE.. Is your screen name a reference to the movie Idiocracy? Great movie!
"They didn't want to understand you in the first place...". Major take away to remember. Thanks Dr. C
You hit the nail straight on the head! They really don’t want to understand…Perfect
They cant understand, cognitive dissonance
@@sandraaustin2120 maybe that too but I think Dr. C meant that they don't have understanding as a goal in general because it doesn't suit their needs so why waste time or bother if they can't see an up side. They care about how to use info to get them supply so they control and manage the info in such a way they misunderstand on purpose, like Devil's advocate or choose to not communicate as a mechanism to keep them from accountability. That's they way I took Dr. Cs comment. But you are right that they have a lot of cognitive dissonance and that too is like a built in defense mechanism of denial and projection, etc...the higher functioning Machiavellian ones totally understand but choose not too because they enjoy the chaos it creates. The HG Tudor types can But choose not to because it is too much fun to pass up. Like a crisis needs to be exploited by a Political narcissist, a conversation needs to be exploited by a dark triad narc. Thanks for your point. Most probably just can't, like you said.
That are bad listener!
Yes, it’s just like in a toxic family. They are incapable of understanding who we are, they don’t see us as individuals or our own persons, because they can only see us as a “roll” that they put us in to serve them. They will ONLY love you when it benefits them, and if your not giving them what they want then they will blame you and make you out to be the wrong one, as if you have to “earn” their love. Remember that you deserve to be loved unconditionally, NOT transactionally
When I moved away I didn’t realize that I was being bad mouthed and lied about by my family. When I returned, it was oblivious, no one is speaking to me, even friends would say, “ I heard your a bad person” 😳
The vindictiveness never ends with them.
Yes ! I agree ! You are left scratching your head like and stating to yourself, "What is going on here ?!?"...Right ?!? I totally understand....
Yep. Yep yep. Except with a whole community :,) nearly drove me out of the city
Happened to me too. For some reason everyone always believes their lies even though they know me personally. I don’t get it and it’s very hurtful.
@@unicornus33 I agree ! Then, you have to get to the SOURCE, the individual(s) who made the sadistic choice to spread the horrible lies, because they wanted to isolate, triangulate, degrade, and inflict more pain, probably out of malignant jealousy. Next, depending on who is involved, then perhaps calling them out on it, or not (it depends) may be in order. Last, once you catch wind of this, you can begin working to set yourself free. It is bad enough when the outside (society) smears you, but when it comes from a family member, or multiple members, that is despicable !
Please stay strong and know you are NOT alone...keep fighting ! Remember ..that you may be interacting with VERY emotionally disturbed (ASPD/Dark Triad) individual(s), who may be the type to "KICK A DOG WHILE THEY ARE DOWN"..and want your demise ! It is very sick...indeed !
@@jengable4888 thank you for the encouragement. And yes it is a sad day when you realize your family members are literally your enemies and want bad things for you.
There’s no use trying to explain yourself to a narc family, quietly remove yourself and block them, they will never get it, apologize, validate, etc..they’re worthless people
@musicandpoetry_8 and even when you pull yourself out and cut off. "We" the healing will be the villains in their story.. Too bad actions speak louder than words. In a narc world, nothing moves. In healing, everything moves! ♥️
Has anyone else had the issue where the Narcissist, always threatens to call someone else and get them to tell you how wrong you are .
Not had that but I've had the nobody else thinks like that, talks about/like that, nobody else does that, other people agree with me, you need to be more understanding, blah blah blah...... my now 80 year old parents did a psychological number on me. Predominantly father blaming, mother shaming. I thought it was me. Now I realise I was heavily conditioned, brain washed to believe everything was somehow my fault. The icing on the cake is my mother now saying I'm indecisive! Yet she is jealous of the things ive done. All the while im battling with illness. If they're threatening to call someone else, id say let them and pack your bags ✌
oh yes! or the "EVERYBODY" thinks this way about you! naming my own family members! close ones, too! i actually took those lies to my loved ones who were so confused by the whole situation anyway & even more so When I asked if they had said these things. Of course they didn't - they couldn't understand why they would say that they did. I never believed anything they said ever again in reference to that sort of thing after that and I felt bad that I bought into it and called people I love dearly (and love me dearly) out on just a bunch of yuck!
it's so hurtful. i'll never be okay no matter how enlightened i have become. never.
Yes, my ex husband of 17 years would call my Mom to tell on me, and if she didn't answer, any if my family and friends were on the call chart.
Flying monkeys
"They project their problems onto you."
I KNEW I was narcissistic for years and years, but professionals said if I was one, I would not know it. I DID know it, and my goodness-watching these videos is allowing me to identify my behaviors, and CHANGE them! My wife has already noticed the change!
TIME WILL TELL ALL...
I dont believe it for a second
Good for you!
Narcissists can't won't change ever. Unless God heals that person.
@@monicahocking1507, there are many false ideas about narcissism and what you said is one of them. The reality is that it is a defense against borderline symptoms, which basically means feelings of abandonment and lack of support. If a person is willing to emotionally go through lots of fear, pain and shame then he can get better, i.e. less narcissistic. It is an addiction to a false self, just like any other addiction. It is not a distinct type of person.
I remember my narcissistic dad calling me manipulative when I was a kid. Then, I didn’t even understand the word “manipulative.” Now that I’m older, I feel he was projecting, blaming me for his own behavior.
They tend to do that. I know because I’m a survivor of a narcissistic mother and she projected so much onto me.
@@Brio9 thanks for sharing.
My narcissistic husband says to me” look how you pissed everybody off” when I was venting. Everyone can vent but me.
Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a little kid who just says “ I know you are but what am I ” to everything. Whether it makes sense or not.
They just want to get that rise.
Seriously.
I found the most useful thing to say to a narcissist is "so what?" My ex would throw criticisms one after another, and he would get more and more annoyed that I wasn't bothered by his words and kept telling him "so what?" It made him look like the problem because I stayed calm and he got more and more agitated.
@@lisainthestudio For me, it was BYE.
It was bye, and not even letting them have a chance to say anything back.
Excellent Analogy😊
Am in horrible situation. I left to another state with him. Listening to this makes my heart smile.
Thank you. Now I have to figure out my exit plan. Sleeping in my own car tonight. Thank God I kept my car.
With a narcissist you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't matter what you do they will find fault. It took several very painful experiences with my narcissist family and husband to learn about reactive abuse that's what they want to provoke you into being the bad guy. It is so satisfying to be able to just turn around and leave they can't stand that!
If money has NOT been used as a weapon and you can afford to...by all means leave !
@@jengable4888 Exactly- and most of the time money and/or circumstances keep someone from being able to leave and they know that. It's cruel to the least.
I recently found out the same. It's no use staring at their hypnosis, just stand up and walk away from the devil's casino, no use playing there...
@@A.Dajlida if you are able to walk away...because for some of us, money/psychological abuse has been used as weapons to control...
@@TruthBeTold0914 that is done with INTENT and you're 100% correct ! It IS sadistic, manipulative, HIGHLY controlling, furthers the victimization, clinically insane for some of us, and CRIMINAL ! If what happened to some of us occured in the UK or France, the offenders who fly under the radar in the US, would be incarcerated !
Narcissistic personalities scare me. I always buy into their bs and end up doubting my own opinions and even my intelligence. It’s gaslighting on an entirely different level.
Watch one of my older videos, Your Ultimate Superpower With Narcissists. It's all about self trust. Time for a paradigm shift!
@lschrandt Doubting your own opinions and intelligence...isn't that painful? Especially after the narcissist gives you the silent treatment, looking down their long nose with shame and dissatisfaction, just as they careen their head up towards the heavens with their self-assured, superior judgement. In watching many of these videos with Doctor C, I have concluded that the only proper response is no response, mind blowing and frustrating as it is. Why can't two grown men in their 50s agree to disagree about something? Because one of them needs to feel superior, is still extremely broken, and ultimately resents someone like me who has the audacity to assert themselves and perhaps think outside of the narcissist's little paradigm. I can 100% "to each their own", but still have my own convictions and opinions. He couldn't. His pollyanna couldn't handle my matter-of-fact. Be careful showing too much of your intelligence around the narcissist. Their "control and contain" work ethic latches on like a steel jawed trap. And then they dismiss you! Of all things!
I finally told my narcissist, I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. That put a stop to a lot of that nonsense!
Wow you were lucky
@@ferretfriend5458 he just found other was to make my life miserable 🤷🏻♀️
👍👍
@@FreeLife2022 Narcissists are nothing if not resourceful in maintaining their large and fragile egos. There is no problem in saying what needs to be said to put a narcissist in their place or doing what needs to be done to eliminate them from your life, however, it is certainly a problem if they happen to be your employer and your livelihood depends on them.
Good luck!
@@chrisantoniou4366 you are absolutely right! Luckily, my narcissist is now my ex husband. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
I hate these kinds of interactions. The gaslighting and how disoriented I get because I want to be responsible, conscious and accountable for my actions and interactions. You cannot negotiate with a narcissist and come to a mutual agreement.
Indeed🙄😑
Great clear explanation of real ways they show up, believe it.
💯🎯
@margochanning6868 With Narcs, we have to pretend we are attending business meetings to get through it. Sticking only to facts, being polite & keeping our opinions and feelings out of that. (Otherwise, they tend to get a "rise" and win). We won't let them anymore. ♥️ Hope you're healing.
I only began researching what a Narcissist was because I was being called one. And when I learned what it was, it really appears as if the person who accused me of being a narcissist was the narcissist. I was way too pleasing and when I started enforcing my own personal boundaries, thats when she really showed her true colors
no, you probably were and still are one
@@DrWhom LOL!! You're definitely one!! HAHAHA!!!
Same here!! Narcissist in the Greek - absolutely STUPID!!!...
It’s called projection all narcs do that they blame you for what they are feeling
Spot on! The same thing happened to me, started about 10 months ago, literally was called a narcissist by my daughter then now exgirlfriend along with no contact. So I looked into this word.. All I did was ask ex when she could help pay the rent again (it had been 3 yrs, out of 8 yrs) Instead of a conversation, she screams at me, "if you were any kind of man, you'd pay it and wouldn't complain", followed by her yelling, name calling and blame shifting. Terms I've recently learned. Unreal the damage caused by loved ones. I went from happy to suicidal. Ex turned my kids against me. I've been in a frozen mode, extremely depressed from my life's decisions from lack of boundaries. I've learned a bunch and yes, I believe after much counciling /research my daughter and ex have issues themselves. 3 different counsilors say I'm codependant and definitely not a narcissist. I have always been a giver and some takers don't understand till ya shut off the funds. Yeah it could be or appear controling on my part but it's really not. It's called boundries which I have lacked in till now.
The “shame you for independent thinking” really hit home… “oh well I guess you know everything,” “you just want to control,” or “why does everything have to be your way?” (When in reality you never get your way because they never even consider your thoughts)…
Expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions is not trying to control anyone, it’s being respectful of myself and holding a space for myself while attempting genuine communication and understanding… just so maddening when you try to communicate with these people…
100%! Or the “you just want me all to yourself” and “you never want me to have any friends”, when they literally talking to their friends 24/7 and hang out as much as possible. 🙄
They say all those things about me. They expect me to support their crabs, their mess practices , their insecurities and their discomforts about life as a whole, their fear of the unknown. They hate my independence, my strength and my strong will. They hate everything about me. THEY HATE ME FOR BEING THE CHOSEN ONE. I am , the true child of the Living God and not a fake. They hate my authenticity, for being truthful.
“If they don’t understand me, they didn’t want to understand me in the first place.” Spot on. Stay Blessed! 🙏🏼💖
Exactly!!
💯
It's like Darren Magee says, if you have to explain yourself - even just once - then they know what they're doing is hurting you.
@DivineMojo and they don't want to understand themselves, first. IT starts with self ♥️🫶🏼
They push you into defence mode and then when you try to explain and justify your thoughts and feelings their reaction is "How dare you try to justify your reactions." It's a no win situation!
Totally agree!!!! I’ve been with someone 2 years now. And she gets like this, she has 2 boys and I have 2 girls. I just don’t get it
That's another good point, pushing you into defense mode. That is not a healthy form of human communication nor interactions. I think the best policy in dealing with that is to be upfront when they do so. Sure, you will get a nasty reaction in return but it's a fine art on how one can communicate/interact with them. Only give short and stern responses,. Go right for the jugular. Do not insult, do not become verbally abusive, do not escalate. If they keep it up, which they will, continue with the same approach. Like a child having a tantrum, correct the behavior. And like a child, you won't get far in trying to correct that behavior; however, the child will eventually learn that you are not to be reckoned with. It takes a lot of patience and time but you'll get there. Eventually they will limit their interactions with you. Don't want to sound like I am preaching. It's easier said than done. Trust me, I know! It's hard for people who are at peace with themselves, and with others, to deal with narcs.
They could say something overtly abusive to you, and when you point it out and say NO, its "sorry im not perfect" and your boundary gets twisted into a criticism of them. That opens a can of worms because the narcissist is vain, and any perceived flaws you may be bringing to light are just too uncomfortable for them to face up to. So in their world, you have to tolerate abuse, cruelty, profanity and moreover insults to your intelligence, in order to preserve the facade that the narcissist is holier than thou.
💯
Or smarter than you.
Yes, as if you were asking them to be perfect!
You mail this one ! your supposed to tolerate everything they wanna do and never say anything about it and forgive them endlessly
@@mgb7140 I
If I got "Do you know how difficult you are" I would smile, and say "Yes, and I am damned proud of it!" :-)
His insult means you don't fit into his paradigm, which is actually a compliment.
You bet! @@SurvivingNarcissism
He meant, "Do you know how difficult you are to control?" 😆
Getting a counselor who understands narcissism is the key to a good counselor
I was constantly ridiculed for independent thinking as a child from my narcissist parent. Still recovering from that.
I feel you. I've lived this way too. My word didn't have value
I was occasionally ridiculed as a child but I was also encouraged to be assertive and independent so as an adult I responded to ridicule assertively it didn't help me though because as an adult the narcissist was not respectful. There are varied degrees of narcissists too some of them I can get along with in small doses others I can't tolerate one minute of them depends how much damage they have done relationships need to have more positive than negative experiences to justify keeping someone in your life. If someone abuses you to the point you can't recall anything you like about them and are always uncomfortable around them don't deny that instinct.
I dont think i can get rid of it in my lifetime. I am 59 and only recently managed to go no contact with the mother brother and sister. All narcs in various versions. It all blew upmwhen the father passed last year. And yes you guessed it he was a narc as well. Bothe he and the sister were top executives in two different blue chips. I have no idea why i was stupid enough not to recognise they were narcs. It is the most obvious thing !! The sister is absolutely machiavellian and covert. She kept me believing that she was on my side for decades !!! The whole thing nearly broke me. But my husband is a good man and i had him pep talk me nonstop through the past months. It is a cliff hanger every day but slowly getting better. Good luck to you! Blessings
Me too I moved out asap
My golden brothers live off her
@@marian9410 I went to see my dad. Be nice give him a chance. I'm 58. He blew it. Plus he brought up a cousin he idores. Brags about her. When his own daughter was sitting in front of him. Still ignored
What I done on my own.
He never helped.
Cousin had very supportive parents.
My heart goes out to the people who dealt with this kind of abuse for years. I was dating a narc for a few weeks and thought I was going to lose my MIND! He looked at EVERYTHING like a battle or competition. He even went as far as to say that I don't like to be held accountable whenever he blame shifted or dismissed my opinions, ideas, or feelings. I have NEVER had any men in my past or exes say that about me so that's how I know its not true. I have NEVER had to to explain myself so much and then he'd just continue to attack me over, and over, and over again anytime I explained what I meant. I have never had someone misunderstand EVERYTHING I say. So emotionally exhausting. I told him that he was toxic and emotionally abusive and then I blocked him. Good riddance!
Good for you!
Thank goodness it was few weeks for you. I lived with the narc ex for 24 years. Lifetime of misery
I survived 21 years...
@@sanjmalik6282 Wishing you continued healing!
@@akatress thank you, iam rock bottom at the moment. Just want to rid of him in my thoughts but I can't. It hurts that everything was a lie.
“They look at interactions as competition with other people.” - you said that right!
Guessing: I bet one trick is at a group event they verbally nudge at something their target feels sensitive about, and when the target gets flustered, the narcissist looks like "What's wrong with YOU?" and looks at others like "See? What did I tell you?"
Yep!
You are spot on. I've got some notes from a work colleague (that they have done as a witness statement) and in it there is one situation where they did this, and then when I had left the room they said "That's him showing his aggressive side - don't you think". This was actually something where I wasn't even being aggressive but it's what she wanted to see so she said I was being aggressive anyway.
Oh, yes. They love that. They need you to be emotional, because they need someone to be out of control, and if you won't break, they will.
Why am I laughing 😂💦
To keep from cryin’ 😢💧
Once the narcissist smears you,its sets like concrete to these people, I made the mistake of trying to reason with people, and defend myself, plus I freaked out badly when the smear happened, which gave them more ammo
Yes! This is exactly what happened to me. I am so sorry. We are all part of a much bigger family here ❤
Me too. 🎉😢 Meeee tooo.
@@Jill-gj3vvThank you!
Found no help. Even more alone than before.
They love twisting things. I remember once I confided in my ex narc about how I grew up in poverty and I mentioned how it caused new feelings of envy and etc and he made a point to say that I was just a jealous and spiteful person because of what others had in front of his family. I was so embarrassed. That's just one example that's just one example of how they can twist things to make you seem like you're the bad guy. And they're really good at it too
Yeah they’re really cruel they use the most horrible things that happened to you and your life to hurt you they’re not even human beings in my estimation you don’t have any empathy for another human beings and you’re not human like aliens
With the narcissist whatever you say will be used against you.
@ Jessica
It's f**king horrible when they do that. You get that sick to your gut feeling of the betrayal.
Just know that you are the one who did nothing wrong. You confided and they betrayed you. They are completely to blame for that.
Narcissists try and get your secrets, your true feelings and then they try and destroy you.
Never feel ashamed of what you might have said, they feed off shame.
Love yourself ♥️ and tell them to f**k off.
Twisting things, then giving them a negative spin, so that they look like heroes for putting up with you. The thing is, it doesnt even have to be any private confidence. They'll use anything. My husband went up to an acquaintance and said, "my wife is a RUclips expert," made me look like an internet addict... I am 56, and he was talking to someone in my parents' generation. That sort of comment sounds terrible to someone from that generation. Maybe I should have said, I am becoming a narcissism expert to deal with YOU, thank God for RUclips...
Jessica - they are SO good at humiliating you, embarrassing you, shaming you, devaluing you, showing their contempt & disdain for you.
It took me years to realize that my husband was an sadistic narcissistic person. But thanks to prayer and the word of God, I made it through and now I am helping other women who are in the same situation.
I made the mistake of giving them a taste of their own medicine. All that they did was turn it back to me and acted as if I was the one doing it the entire time. I was accused of being the narcissist.
The problem with attempting to heal and help bring a Narcissist to wholeness is that they first have to admit they are broken, hurting, and recognize their fallen behaviors. They are too terrified to take the risk. Remember the expression which says: To save a drowning man, he must surrender completely. If he fights you, both will drown. It fits here.
If a person's personality pattern is clearly some version of narcissism, then it is futile to try to help and 'heal' them. It will never happen. Everyone else has a problem. Never them.
You can't heal them. They think everyone else is broken. Your only chance is to heal yourself, and you can't do that fully with them.
Terrible when you can't recognize yourself after they have used and abuse you. They are liars of note. ❤️
The narcissist that I know had me believing that I was crazy or was going crazy.
That is very common
You can never point out narcissistic traits to a narcissist. They won't hear it and can't see it. For many years whenever I expressed an independent thought, the narc in my life would say YOU SCARE ME SOMETIMES, as though I was some monstrous entity who dared to think for myself. It worked....until it didn't anymore.
I’ve had similar experiences. I’m sorry you’re going through that - that’s a difficult double standard that’s not fair to you. I hope your situation improves!!
My first, and hopefully my last, narcissistic relationship, I became so bitter. I used to be so carefree and laugh all the time. I find it hard to find things funny anymore, really. Right before it ended I had started getting really bad anxiety attacks, which I've never really experienced in my life. I gave up my ENTIRE LIFE for this woman, remodeled a house, endlessly tried to keep up with her insatiable desire for money that she spent poorly...and I was left with what she thought was mine on the backporch after I really started to catch on...and never to be heard from again. That was 4 months ago, and I'm still not entirely myself, and I'm genuinely concerned I never will be. These people will traumatize you beyond belief. I am lucky to have even gotten a fraction of the confidence I used to have.
You will be an even better version of your old self. You’ll be able see through lies and manipulation others try to throw at you. And you’ll be able to walk away when they try to fool you. Your sense of humor will come back and you will be able to laugh. Rejoice when that day happens; it’s a total victory!
Same story 😍omg..its sad..but most of i am angry..bitter..and i want to educate myself and become teraupist ..help other😍...i feel for you..stay strong❤️❤️
I feel like you are describing me.
So sorry, you went through that but glad you managed to get away.
Yeah bud I was married 13 years to a narcissistic woman and it wrecked my personality too. My parents are old school and never said anything to us kids when it came to our relationships, but my old man in private told my mom that I needed to get out of my marriage because I had changed so much for the worse and that he missed his happy go lucky son. I finally got out but I am still not unscathed. My ex accuses me weekly of being the narcissistic one. She constantly wants to fight about the same stuff over and over and over. I have had to set boundaries and ignore her when she crosses them. It's high stress when dealing with that woman but I am hoping times the healer.
REALLY needed this 8 years ago. You're doing God's work, sir. Thank you for what you do.
I agree with you. And I see that even though I am new to this channel.
The hardest part of recovery from a narcissistic relationship is forgiving yourself for putting up with it for so long. This video really helped because my sister convinced me for years that I was the problem. The abuse intensified when I finally walked away and I jumped for the continuing abusive bait for a while. Now I hit delete, she can hand me the poison but I don’t have to drink it. Freedom.
Been dealing with this for YEARS! I can't tell you how accurate this video is. Thank you!
Me too
Its sickening isnt it
Why don't you get out, I landed up seeing a shrink and he advised me to get out. Maybe yours are not to bad?
@@ferretfriend5458 You’re stuck when a child is involved.
Same here, it’s hard not to bite back sometimes because it builds up over time but if you can just not react the peace after is worth it
The best way to get rid of a narcissistic person is to just tell them you forgive them for their arrogance, forget they exist and move on with your life.
I just said this to my therapist the other day - "it almost feels like the last 12 yrs of my life doesn't even exist." Like I never even met this man, married, built a house, went on motorcycle trips, went camping all summer. She said it was my defense mechanism due to trauma of trying to navigate his blaming me for being the problem and turning himself into the victim. She said I'm still in the grieving process as it has only been 5 wks since I moved out even though he announced he was done almost 5 mos ago and still won't complete the divorce process.
This is so on point. I was with a narcissist for 10 years. Turned my world upside down and tried to turn everyone on me. I used to walk on eggshells in my own home, was afraid to even ask a question. I was in a horrible gilded cage,, he had everyone fooled.. Felt like I was losing my mind. Life is much better now that I have gotten away from that relationship.
I called it my 16 year prison term.getting out was freedom
So well put. I just ended my 22 year long abusive marriage. I know I have lots of healing to do, but I already feel so free and more like myself. 😊
This is me now. I'm making plans to leave soon. I can't deal with this narc anymore.
Congrats for getting away! I went through the same thing for 10 years with my Narcissistic ex girlfriend. Walking on eggshells. They have so many expectations and you can't tell them one single thing about themself. They need to improve nothing smh
False Accusations....Narcissist love to made False Accusations for ruining other people's lives.
My mother is a grade A narcissist. It’s taken me over 40 years to escape the conditioning, learn to have boundaries
Hmm are u sure is been that ? Usually narcisism means that u are more inteligent ,even if is only emotional,so they will be interested to see your point. My mom 100 percent had paranoic disorder(the crazy type) and victim syndrom so that is much more worse from other diagnoses ,because these people dont make even suicide ,they so much want to be victims that will never do that cus then emotional pain will end. That it increase so much that finally u cant be even with there 5 minutes in the same room if u are alone,even on the phone is the same. Is very long to explain what are the consequences when even when u are grown up your legacy depends from this kind insane person so i had quit,it was final time before to freak out someday and to be too late. Also reason to quit this people life is because more simple minded people around them feel for them ,because they dont them well. Yep ,im 34 and i finally discovered my mom diagnose name
I am 59 and only recently gone no contact with mother and both narc sibling. Father narc passed away last year and i suddenly realised i had been caught all my life in a web of lies gaslighting betrayal covert operations deceit. I feel liberated but what a waste of my love on these empty vampire shells
Where and how did you start your recovery from your nars mother
@@marian9410where and how did you get help on recovering from having a narcissistic mother
Age 60 ... took me that long!
When you said "being accused for being a narcissist". I had to laugh so hard. Exactly what I'm dealing with with my narcissist. And yes, he turned me into this person I absolutely didn't like
Huge red flag!
Same here. Find myself mirroring back at them. So tempting to react or even attack without provocation. This is not me. It's the conditioning over the years. At least I know now where, and why my rebellious behavior began.
I got called one the other day by one I just laughed because I wanted to tell them that first but I said I wasn’t going there
@@QuilaGee A few months ago, I found out a friend has narcissistic traits and she told me that I was too self-centered and focused on myself... Poor lady, I really feel sorry for her, but I've gone no contact and can't help her now, sadly.
He called me a psycho path today lol. Says the one who sat next to me when I was crying and said it had litterally no affect on him in the darkest voice ive heard. Or last week when I was in excruciating pain could barely walk. He only cared about getting his video for his insta, making me stand to film it. I was fed up and said no. He acted like it was all my fault he couldn't get his video, I was practically almost limping. I even told him if you had any idea how much pain I'm in you wouldn't be so cruel to me.
They try to make you the reason for their moods
Keep smiling…
Never let others dictate how you feel.
This is what they want.
🙂
Exactly, some people do everything and more to make you feel miserable.
I learned with my mom and dad that it makes no difference how you react, you just can never win and you can never be right. My parents went so far to deny my whole childhood and tell me all my memories were false and i just made it up. So the only thing that helps is to just put a lot of distance and when you interact it should be superficial and only chit chat because they are going to pick a fight or complain about your behaviour to others if they get the change.
So true, sadly
So true
The thing with this whole diagnosis and lots of Dr. Carter's videos is that it could be simplified down to a few details and mechanisms. These details and these mechanisms then, operating in different circumstances, cause all the different stuff he lists in almost every video. The problem is that it is paradoxical to say that "I deny x", because by making that statement I also affirm that the x is a thing. In a narcissist's experience the other person or interpersonal reality do not exist. It is like attributing malice to a heroin addict who is simply trying to get his fix. The things he does are evil, but he is not doing them purely for the sake of being evil. You must be an imaginary you so he can be an imaginary he, because if you are real, then he must be real too, and for him that is a fate worse than death.
Sad but true. I’m gonna pick my own mom and dad because I have friends of all ages!
I had to plan and plot to get away from my narcissist now ex-husband. After the divorce and I had tied up all business Loose Ends (taking my name off of all accounts Etc), I said "I never want to see your face again!"
That was 9/9/16. Peace:PRICELESS!
I say how I feel and am dismissed as if I am not even there.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I wish I heard something like this before wasting my 20 years in a marriage with a narcissist. If you're watching this and your spouse does these to you, do NOT waste your life even one more day and get out. The narcissist NEVER change.
I'm so glad that you got out. I was watching this and thinking about the numerous things that I've lived and how I wish I had help a long time ago.
The issue is when you don't have good health and you have to rely on them. Covid has put many of us in worse situations with our Narcissist partners. 😢
So we should continue to share our feelings, or should we just ignore them when they are manic and trying to start trouble?
Wasted 50 years on my all narc parents and both narc siblings. Its a killer to break free and go no contAct but also liberating. I cant believe I wasted my energy on them. Cancer twice lung clots asthma covid hospitalisation. I am 59 and am finally getting on with my life. But these s***s sucked the lifeblood out of me.
They’re always agitated and uncomfortable
#7 especially… suddenly everyone around them becomes a narcissist.
The silent treatment is another one to manipulate you into compliance.
Shaming for having independent thought is so real. In fact the entire societies have this trait. It's like an entire collective of narcissists shaming independent thinkers.
I recently had a disagreement with my troubled younger brother. He pulled me out of his truck, trying to provoke an argument. When I refused to engage, he resorted to physical violence, leaving bruises from the dragging and punching. He has some serious issues, and I'm relieved that he's not in a relationship, as he shouldn't subject his partners to such chaos.
He says to me “oh, you think it’s never your fault,” I’m reality he’s always blaming me!
Oh the great (insert name here) who does no wrong. I've heard this phrase so many times.
I always hear "Oh, but you're the perfect one. It's always my fault."
I used to hear, "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm the expert on this." He never took my input, but somehow I always got the blame for what went wrong.
@@stuff4brianka they are the kings and queens of making issues out of nothing.
Yeah I get oh so you’re perfect I’m like no I never claimed to be perfect I’m a human being
I asked my husband once "what is your problem?" And he responded " YOU, you are my problem." 😢 It hurt so badly.
You deserve better.
The Seven Tricks of the narcissist. From the video.
"Their end game is to wear you down".
1. Bait you into an argument.
2. They insist you have to justify everything about yourself.
3. Shame you for your independent thinking.
4. They try to make you feel responsible for their moods.
5. They offer lame excuses you know aren't true, then they blame you.
6. Intimidate you because of your boundaries.
7. They accuse you of being a narcissist. Classic projection.
"They have to have an adversary. Because they are adversarial to themselves.".
Narcissists never take Responsibility for what they do they are always blaming others all the time.
"why do you make me feel guilty", "I will love you as long as you respect and obey me",
"Why do you want so much attention".....when you bring up a concern, they go silent for weeks and ghost you.And when they return its like nothing happened.....
I endured infinite silent treatments, rage, disrespectful branding,....I felt like I was chasing him the whole 8 years..Thank God I'm out now.I never had the courage to walk away,he did and it saved me.
And they think they deserve respect for just existing no matter their behavior!!
@@rosemadder5547 its so exhausting...You feel so lost and you kinda lose yourself..in the end though when you learn the truth,you renew your mind and come out better..
@@rosemadder5547 Yes! "I deserve your respect!" while treating me abominably. Word of advice. Never answer, "Why?" or "So do I" and do not laugh.It does not improve the situation.
@Sim hugs. Heal without reservation.This earth is your space too
We never knew why my grandma was seemingly so mean and could flip at a switch. The more we look into true clinical narcissism, the more we’ve realized this is why she can’t act like a “normal” human being. She’s 86 and has driven 90% of her family away.
My grandmother the same and my mother and sister and some cousins
The main feeling I had in the relationship was that nothing I did or said was ever right. Every attempt at a conversation would turn into an argument where he'd never answer any questions but tried to turn what I said against me. He would then try to blame me for making him feel bad/hurt. Any mention of anything he did would lead to this. Things were only "okay" as long as I just agreed with everything he said and was there only when it was convenient for him.
I'm going through the exact same thing..I've lost count how many times he's thrown divorce in my face to put me in my place.
I cannot tell how many times I have been called a "narcissistic" by the one with the narcissistic traits. I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mother and therefore have my "defense mechanisms". They might resemble narcissistic traits. However, I am not a narcissistic person because I am constantly checking in with myself "Am I a narcissist?" It's impossible to be a narcissist and do that.
Which is true ?