Narcissistic mothers
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 8 май 2021
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Story of my life. People literally shame you for calling your mom's bad behavior out
Yeah, and those people often make excuses for their own parent's behavior. Live your best life
I feel the same, Monica. 😪
Ya I think there's a little more to it than greets the ear 👂, weird, stay strong they're wrong!
Too many people are pathetic cowards that deny reality. I have six siblings that grew up in the same nightmare that I did-and only two of them acknowledge that our parents are monsters. Family gatherings are grotesque so I have nothing to do with them.
That's sad. We need to stop shaming each other, and instead, approach each other with compassion and non-judgement.
The biggest pain for me was when I realized my mother didn't care about me.
Her loss.... How stupid can one be, there is undying endless non judgemental love for them and they use it as a means to torture us until we're forced to go no contact! Bizarre and demonic, don't participate.
Yep.
I don't know if that ever fully goes away
@Ms Tiffany 💯
Exactly my situation.
To all the narcissistic victims:
You won’t be heartbroken or depressed when they gone. That’s a good thing.
Doamneeeee, și mie mi_ a trecut prin minte acest lucru.Este odios 😢😢
@@elenaa6246,Trist ,dar adevarat
Nu poti plinge monstrii !
Hope so, it can’t be worse than living contact
Wrong. I’d rather be sad when someone like a mother is gone. Not being bothered by the thought just makes it worse.
Agreed. That's the only silver lining
I stopped expressing to people how horrible my covert narcissist mom is because people with ‘normal’ mothers always look at me like I’m some ungrateful little brat. They don’t understand that not all moms love their kids unconditionally. Ive actually heard, “She’s your mom, come on. You know she just wants what’s best for you.” Im paraphrasing but ive heard stuff like that a few times after trying to explain how my mom is not like that. Lucky them that they probably aren’t capable of understanding, lol.
Once I had my own child, I came to realize my mom’s true nature. So many things I would, I could NEVER do to my daughter or say to her. It’s so hard to understand HOW she can treat me the way she does. I just can’t even imagine doing those things to my daughter.
Thank you for this video. It helped ☺️
didn't Dr. Ramani make a video on narcissists faked "normalcy" ?
@@LSMH528Hz
I don’t know - this is the only video of hers I have seen. It just showed up on my feed.
Totally relate, to when people with loving mothers just don’t understand and judge you. It is hurtful and ultimately sucks. More fool them, for being narrow minded and taking what they have for granted.
@@simsim876
So true - and sorry you can relate!
Same, same😑
The only mother I know is myself and that’s the only person that mothered me
Uff. The way this resonated within me. Powerful.
this
Can relate
You know, Ms AK, it is not the answer to simply say you have to accept it. You need to stop the malign impact she has by giving her space in your mid and rumination - and that means giving the time you are still giving to her to making your life with quality people that will genuinely care for you and that takes time, effort and emotional resilience, it it is the on,y journey yo take to move toward your enjoyment of life. She may have taken it away but it is within your power to reclaim it. Best of British luck to you.
I feel you!
Both parents are narcs 😒
It’s true it’s almost embarrassing when ppl ask me what my plans are for these holidays and I say absolutely nothing.
This is soooooooo me
Sending comforting energy to you, today, and next month for Father's Day, as well
Yesss!!! It hurts!!😢😢
please take care of you today
Then they look at you and think we are the problem. We didnt do anything but love them and starve for their love and attention.
As my mother gets older her drama is getting worse. I'm so heartbroken that she's gonna spend her last years playing childish head games with her adult kids because she lost her control over us and she's not getting her way like she always has. I didn't know how spiteful she could be. I feel bad that she's so frustrated and scared and I really tried to help her but she refused to accept or recognize my help and then belittled and dismissed it trying to guilt me and muniplate me. I'm tired of beating my head against the wall.
This is my brother and I. And I suspect it’s everyone commenting and relating to this video. It’s diabolical that something so universally painful also leaves us feeling alone. When we really have thousands of kindred spirits. Sending you love.
You don’t owe her anything, she made her bed and has to lay in it
I can relate to it.. she loves it when she's was in control and have to live with her constant bickering and drama.. now that im already out of the house and out of her control.. i still get to hear news about her looking for me and on blaming me for all the circumstances that have befallen on her as if its entirely my fault... Im also tired for being the "good" son that i tried to be but not enough for her...
I can relate to it.. she loves it when she's was in control and have to live with her constant bickering and drama.. now that im already out of the house and out of her control.. i still get to hear news about her looking for me and on blaming me for all the circumstances that have befallen on her as if its entirely my fault... Im also tired for being the "good" son that i tried to be but not enough for her...
This is my parents although I assume it’s my dad who is the narcissist. I sometimes get confused about who is. Recently, some medical professionals have said I should stay in the area even though it gives the parents a lot more control over me. I totally disagree because I realized the mistake I made coming back to them. Why can’t the professionals see that as well and actually agree with me for once?
I am the one living my life. I watched this other video about neglect and couldn’t see very much in that video because control is the dominant feature. I don’t drive because that would cause them to lose control, not anything to do with mental state. I can’t work on any of my goals because of them (put a stop to it even in early stages). My next goal is to move out to an affordable place. My mom has recently tried to persuade me that this isn’t the case because I don’t pay anything right now. While actually I do pay a lot emotionally. Still my goal is to move to an affordable place in a community that is happy for me to be there. My mom will still try to persuade me to stay here. However, I have learned the lesson that they haven’t changed and aren’t going to. The medical professionals can’t persuade me either, I believe in this case they’re wrong not to believe me and tell me to stay. They just seem to side with my narcissistic parents which is quite easy to do.
Realizing my mother wasn’t even capable of giving me unconditional love is so disheartening. This has been the harshest lesson I’ve ever had to learn.
Same as me, because this mothering instinct exists in any other creatures in this planet, but some human mothers are not capable to give unconditional care and love treating their children as their belongings to use for them, to make their lives more convenient. They make the best of the name of mother to abuse.
Same, how do you deal with it ? Like how do you go past it ? We are so resilient
@@omartrachen6794 for me, I confront the unique quality, evil, in humans.
@@omartrachen6794 I don't know how old you or your mother are, but I do know this: my 82-year-old mother is STILL a narcissist, so you'll have to get past this on your own, without her. The right kind of therapy helped me to re-parent myself, but the scars will always remain. Narcissism is an incurable disease, but you are more than capable of getting cured from her. I wish you all the best on your recovery journey.
Saddest part is some children dont even realize their mom is a narcissist they continue to be manipulated gasslighed and still they think their mom is an angel but problem starts when the spouse enters. Spouse suffers the most coz the son / daughter dont find anything wrong in their mother.
Yep! My husband doesn’t see how problematic his mother is and I’m The one that suffers over and over again
Right or when mental and/or physical health is effected.
@@laurenstanderfer7214 Same here, it took him many years to understand her. It wasnt until I could predict what she was going to do or say next he finally came out of denial.
@@Jess-kn8vl exactly it took hell lot of fights tears for 2 years. Initially i couldn't understand what's going on coz he would always defend her at any cost. It is still hard for him to acknowledge it that she is a narcissistic mother. She troubling me and he defending her and attacking me insteat kind of detroirated our relationship coz i am unable to forgive him. He has finally decided to cut ties with her but still it is hard for me to forgive him.
Eeerrrr time takes care of that, poor kids for sure but their narc mom's her own worst enemy and kids are smart, she won't realize this until it's too late and the gig's up!
Love & hugs to all my fellow "orphans by narcissism" ❤
Wow, u gave me words to something that did not have words. Thank you
this, today, rigth on point. thank you 🥰
This is Exactly what my brother and I say. When we lost our dad 15 years ago, we became orphans. We are very close as adults . Thank goodness. He was the golden child. I am the scapegoat. But when he grew up and saw what she was, he confronted her and felt the full force of her Narc rage for the first time. He was so shaken. Then he felt such guilt and pain when he realized what she’d been doing to me our whole lives. Im glad I spent 45 years learning and building the resources to protect myself. It made me a stronger resource and ally for him as he realizes all this for the first time. If there’s any silver lining to enduring it alone for so long, it’s that. We’ve been close ever since.
This touched my heart at a pressing time
Not only does my Mother not care about me.
She seems to gain pleasure from hurting me.
I've had a lot of therapy.
But I'm realizing that going no contact is the only way for me to truly heal.
I understand what you mean.Every time I expressed happiness about something infront of my mother she would take that thing away so that I would not be happy.There were so many red flags and I refused to acknowledge it because she was my mother.Praise be to God who has opened my eyes now.Alhamdulilla.
That’s really sad - if she is getting pleasure out of being mean… that’s really sad. It’s not your fault, you are loveable, you are worth it! I really do believe that these people deep down have love self-worth and don’t know how to love. I know from experience how hard it is, my mum is bipolar and narcissistic (extremely entitled and self-centred). To tell you the truth, I just pray that narcissists (male and female persons), will stop having children. When I meet adult narcissists who have not had children (maybe because their partner didn’t want them), I thank God so much.
I understand you, I realize that she just does not love me, she hates me for no reasons just in need for prey.
yes, my mother enjoyed putting me down
As I’ve become a Mother, I could never imagine saying or being the way my mother was with me to my baby. NEVER. I love him so much. We got this guys!!! ❤❤
Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. My father sexually assaulted me and trafficked me to his friends. Rather than hold my father responsible, my mother hated me for it. He did the same thing to my older sister. What did my mother do? She manipulatively called my big sister a "homewrecker." Big Sis ran away when I was 4, and I don't blame her at all. My parents are dead now, thank God. The good news is, I am the mother of a great son who respects women and is a total sweetheart. I learned from my parents how not to raise a child, and being a mother has been a very healing experience. I'm really proud of my son.
And I’m so proud of you and your son. God bless you!!!🌹
👏🏻
So touched that you found healing in giving your son what you did not have yourself. My next words aren't about ego and I can see you don't have inflated, harmful ego, so you may feel uncomfortable with this...but, this ^^^^^^^^^^^∆∆∆∆∆^^^^^^∆∆∆∆^^^^ [up arrows pointing to you]...what you've done...is divinity...what true, godly love is. To rise above the ashes, break the chains/curse of egocentricity and bless your son and others around you. I believe in God and believe what you have done is divine and will bring you rich, everlasting blessings, that will bless grandchildren and more. It is within the power of us all to rise from ashes!
@@LiveHappy76 you guys are gonna make me cry! Thank you for the sweet words of support. 💕🌷🙏❤
Danielle Lorraine, the same happened to me! I had a child with my dad and another with my nephew... My dad kicked mom from the bedroom for more than a year when I was 14 and she poisoned me, I nearly died, I was in the hospital for a month. No one reported them. They are dead, huge into sex trafficking and I know many are grateful that they are no longer abusers, but siblings still involved... God help us. Prayers for you.
If they don’t like you for you, then they aren’t for you-family or not
THIS!!!!!😊
Yes
The amount of energy they spend to undermine who you are and the core things you love is jaw dropping.
@@sarakjeldsen769 Exactly that...Its downright disgusting and utterly disgraceful
@@martinvee8852y mom found out I was into spirituality and a week later she was talking very badly about people who are spiritual and believe in souls.
When my mom found out I had hurt myself before, her only comments were “I love myself too much to EVER do something like that to myself. I value life WAY too much, I actually see how life is beautiful.”
No joke. THATS when I realized my mom was void of any compassion.
My mother and my sister both are narcissists and emotional vultures! They are so cruel and selfish that they can stoop to any level to harm the other person. Finally after years of struggle, I have moved out. It’s been 3 months now and I am trying to heal..
Best of luck, you got this!
Head up, chest out, keep going. You’re worth every effort you’ve made to get free. God bless you with healing and strength.
I remember third grade, I told my mom about some girl bullying me and calling me ugly, and she told me that I couldn’t do much, because that girl was pretty looking and that I was in fact, a “little bit” ugly. At the moment I was young and took in her words like she is being honest but I think its monstrous nowadays.
That's horrible 🖤 I'm sorry about that. She was probably speaking to herself/projecting. You are beautiful ❤️
You're beautiful btw
You are gorgeous btw & I hear you and I feel your pain. I was 8 years old when I asked my mom if I was pretty. I thought she was just so beautiful. She said "Yes, you're pretty" paused... and continued "You're the prettiest of the ugly girls" It was crushing. And for a long time I believed it well into my 20's.
I see what you mean. They were enjoying whenever I was attacked out of family and never tried to protect me.
I feel your pain.. I ask my mom if I was pretty she said your just plain wow what a blow 😢 low self. Never recoved.
My mom is a covert narcissist and i went no contact 2 months ago. Never felt more free in my life. people still shame me into talking to her but i remain calm and non reactive.
It’s so hard sometimes to not be reactive but I’m learning to let their ignorant comments go, not everyone understands this type of abuse. It’s so normalized because it’s a damage that’s gradual and not as obvious as physical abuse. Hoping I get to that free feeling soon. It’s been 3 years no contact but there’s still relatives who don’t know what happened and act surprised when I say we no longer speak.
This is exactly how I’m feeling,, my mom is 92 and a covert narcissist,, she’s the most miserable woman I’ve ever known,, when I refuse to talk to her after her devaluing and gaslighting., she smears me to the family and I’m the bad guy!,, it’s sucks the life out of me,,
@@salonsavy6476 -thats the key if you are aware be on top of the game. Don't allow anyone to suck the life out of you. Try to avoid and keep your own mental energy intact.🙏
Enablers are the worst!!
@Isabella Eben you nailed it. The others want peace at any cost and will try to lasso you back into that pit of decay and despair.
Dr. Ramani, you are one of the most validating and healing people imaginable; thank you!
She is a goddess sent to earth lighting the dark and frightening forest, so the lost and abandoned children can discover their own paths to healing.
A little corny but by gawd I am really feeling it today.
@@gertrudewest4535 it's not corny at all; it's accurate.
I can never be thankful enough for her. God bless her
Legit
@@gertrudewest4535 Not corny at all! The good Lord knew we needed someone with a brilliant light source to lead us out of our nightmares ❤
This is my 5th Mother's Day since going no contact. It just keeps getting better. I bought myself some chocolate creme pie to celebrate me tonight. I've been a better mother to me than she ever was.
i feel you poor girl
Congratulations on this. Please send my brother and I strength. We are wrestling with this decision right now. Both in our 40’s. We have eachother. And we now see the length and breadth of the damage and harm she caused. Please send us strength. We know what she is. We know she will only get worse. Our fear is regret and the self recrimination that has kept us enabling her for decades. Congratulations on your peace. We want that with all our hearts.
@payne, my friend I’m an old lady who severed ties completely with my monster 50 yrs. ago when I was 30. Please terminate the relationship completely and give it lots of time. *You will never regret it.* If anything, you’ll regret having waited so long. Best wishes to you and your brother on your continuing journey. And if you need permission to take care of yourselves, well, here it is.😊
On Mother’s Day I grieve for the mother I never had.
When my narcissistic mother died I felt only relief. At her wake I said to my brother “come on, let’s find a positive memory of mum”. After ten minutes of silent head scratching we both drew a blank, that was telling.
I now think of Dr Ramani as the mother as mother I deserved, but never had.
It’s such a unique loss, coming to terms with an unreachable mother...a lifetime of ‘why?’ questions.
This is exactly how I feel... I've tried so many times to make real connection and all the 'why's! I'm reliant on her niw and that's how I've realised this won't happen and the pain is phenomenal as I'm ill and reliant on someone who I realise has shaped my life and the reason I'm in e place I am now. Of course any attempts to connect are now met with I do this I do that. I feel like I'm going crazy. Wish I'd known this pattern b4... ur comment made me see I'm not bonkers. The unreachable and why questions really resonate. Thank you🙋
Well said.
I agree so many whys?
Yes, unreachable. Damned no matter how hard you try. They miss out on what could be a beautiful relationship. All because they’re too fragile to face their shame.
For a long time I had a nightly recurring dream of me asking my mom "Why do you hate me?" Finally I had to go no contact and for 6 months I had nightmares she would find me, each time I woke up screaming.
My mother passed away 6 years ago and the thing that’s hard about this holiday is that we never had a bond it was just abuse. I see how happy other mothers are with their children and I grieve for what never was
Same Marlene...
Same here...
I'm right there with you.
My Mom is still alive but she acts like I am dead. She was willing to er me be homeless and that was a few years ago. After I went throuh some medical issues and still am, which i believe is from stress since the Drs can't find a physical reason why i had a heart attack and have hormone issues, she still didn't call to see how i was doing. Well, my stepdad just died from cancer in February and i told my Mom if she needed help, i would help her. She didn't accept, said it was too early for her to know what she was going to do and her rude beighbor walked in and heard it was me and said my name and "leave your Mother alone". I acted like i didn't hear her and told my Mom to call me back later. She never has. I can't get myself to call her back. It is painful she treats me as if I am not even alive. These holidays are awful. So is Father's Day. I pray for them. That was all I could do.
And me, they adopted me at 18months old, it was supposed to be my chance for a settled happy life. They wanted a possession and a bit of social status. Just my bad luck.
One thing you see sometimes with narc moms is trying to force their kids into a certain career or certain activities because they view their kids as extensions of themselves and a source of supply. I didn't want to deal with any gaslighting, manipulation, invalidation, or snide comments about my real goals, so I pretended like I was pursuing a certain career when I wasn't.
I had gone no contact with my mother for 5 months. Today I called because I thought she would appreciate me calling on mother's day. The conversation quickly turned into how bad of a son I am because I decided to take space, and how all of her friends couldn't believe my actions. At that moment I realized that what she really cares is how she is perceived by the outside world, nothing else. And although I tried to explain to her that the reason behind me taking space is heal the relationship, nothing was getting through.... The story was the same, look how you're making me look in front of my friends! How dare you do such a thing to the mother that sacrificed everything for you.
I have now decided to block her and move on with my life. As difficult as it is, I have to admit that I have no control over her behavior or whether she chooses to get help or not. But I do have control over healing these wounds and standing up for myself. Time will only tell what will happen. I will always wish her the best and will always love her no matter what, but I will do so at a distance.
But for today forward I will celebrate mother day as the day I decided to care for myself in the most loving way possible. The day I decided to re-mother myself. ❤️
I am sorry to hear this. I am a mom. If my son chose to stay away from me, it would hurt, but for him to heal, I would accept it. I would love him from afar. Maybe write a little journal just a couple of sentences to him to know I’m thinking of him everyday. If he chose to call me on Mother’s Day I would focus on how happy I was to hear from him, I would ask a million questions about his life and what he’s been up to. I would tell him I miss him and I love him and when he’s ready I would love to take him to lunch etc. LMK if you think that would have been a better response? I am looking for an honest opinion. I have two kids and I don’t want them to feel how our mothers made us feel. ❤️ Hugs friend.
I went no contact in 1987, there were very few exceptions to that in the years that followed. There had never been any relationship, even when I was young in the same house, as that person never cared. They were never a mother, not in truth, not in function, not in heart, simply not. Some people aren't worth knowing. I was told they died in 2011. "Mother's Day" is a con, something that should be forgotten and dismissed by those for whom it doesn't apply. It's just another day. One knows they're making headway, when it comes and goes with no awareness of it.
I think this is the most painful aspect - you finally have no option but to accept they will never change
🫶🫶🫶
I have been doing the same! She tried to guilt me and I just keep gray rocking. Now Christmas and I'm contemplating to follow my therapist and set those boundaries. It's been rough.
Not sure if it’s reassuring or not, but I visited mine after 5 years and she has gotten worse. So expect things to get much worse as time passes by
Thank you for validating the survivors of narcissistic mothers!
Amen to that!
I let my mom know that she was the one that brought me to conditions and situations that led me to uncontrollable suicidal thoughts a few months ago. She went straight to complaints about recycling. Lol im good now.
❤
I just completely ignored mothers day. I never had a mother just a malignant narcissist.
What adds to my burden now is not only dealing with my narc mother but also dealing with my sister's responsibility to her children...Do I live to suffer?
I’m biracial and my mom is Indian and a narcissist. And she joked about my black appearance. She also told me my father cheated on her because we (her and I ) were always fighting. I was 5 years old. The list goes on. Wish I had known it would of just gotten worse.
Sending love & hugs. You didn't deserve that anti-Blackness, manipulation & any suffering that may have caused you. I hope you are holistically well in the today of things 💚🙏🏾💚
Sounds like mommy dearest has some major envy/jealousy stuff going on-she sees you as competition but I’m sure you know that. You’re beautiful unlike her and her kind of ugly isn’t just skin deep-it goes all the way through to the bone. Take care of your lovely self and please remember *you matter too.*
Your beautiful ❤
Same bro
I have a narcissistic mother. I feel validated by coming across this video, so thank you. ❤
What adds to my burden now is not only dealing with my narc mother but also dealing with my sister's responsibility to her children...Do I live to suffer?
@@lilac624treat them kids with respect. it’ll do them justice 💯
More validation from this video than years with the dismissive mother
Ps btw Happy Mothers Day to all the non Narcissistic Mothers out there .
Getting just one text from my son - who is married to a diagnosed narcissist and went no contact with his entire family of origin 3 years ago - would be recognition enough. Because I do care about all of my children and would do anything for any one of them.
Yes 🙌🏽 Happy Mother’s Day to them
Breaking the cycle 💕
Maybe happy SELF mothering day, for those who were neglected and ignored by a narcissistic female "caregiver", aka mother.
Thank you for the validation about this confusing and grief-filled holiday. I cringe too.
Mother’s Day
For many people that means flowers and handmade cards and Sunday brunches and waves of laughter. It means celebration and gratitude and warm embraces and great rejoicing. It means resting fully in all that is good about loving and being loved.
But not for some people.
For some it only means tears.
For some it just hurts.
In the hearts of many, this day is a bitter, unsolicited reminder of what was but no longer is, or a heavy holiday of mourning what never was at all.
Maybe it is such a day for you.
It might bring with it the scalding sting of grief for the empty chair around a table.
It might come with choking regret for a relationship that has been severed.
It might be a day of looking around at other mothers and other children, and feeling the unwelcome intrusion of jealousy that comes with comparison.
It might be yet another occasion to lament the mistakes you made or the words you didn’t say or the kindness you never knew.
It might be an annual injury you sustain.
Consider this a personal love letter to you who are struggling today; you whose Mother’s Day experience might be rather bittersweet- or perhaps only bitter.
This is consent to feel fully the contents of your own heart without censorship or guilt or alteration.
If you are hurting, then hurt.
May you feel permission to cry, to grieve, to be not alright.
May you relieve yourself of the burden of pretending everything is fine or faking stability or concealing the damage.
May you feel not a trace of guilt for any twinge of pain or anger that seizes you today, because it is your right to feel.
Above all though, may you find encouragement even in your profound anguish.
May you find in your very sadness, the proof that your heart though badly broken, still works.
Let the pain you are enduring reassure you that you still have the capacity to care deeply, despite how difficult it has been.
See your grief as the terrible tax on loving people well, and see your unquenched longing for something better as a reminder of the goodness within you that desires a soft place to land.
If on this Mother’s Day you are struggling, know that you are not alone.
May these words be the flowers that you wait for or the call that won’t come or the conversation that you can’t have or the reunion that has not yet arrived.
Let them be hope packaged and personally delivered to the center of your heart, and may they sustain you.
In this time of great pain, know that you are seen and heard, and that you are more loved than you realize.
Be greatly encouraged today.
-John Pavlovitz
@@melodyharmony8448 I was searching and searching for someone to have the right words, I thought he did such a nice job. Be gentle with you day, you're more loved than you realize
@@melodyharmony8448 same back to you, dear Melody xoxox
@@happyjmc Thanks for sharing
@@happyjmc So beautiful. Thank you. I identify with paying an emotional "tax" on still having an open heart. Helpful ❤
The worst and hardest was me becoming a mum myself.
After being used and ignored my whole life I struggled with how to be a loving caring mum that’s supportive and sensitive.
My kids expressed their gratitude and told me I did so well. Still I have doubts - constantly.
Hurray for you having faith in yourself and not paying forward the abuse.
I wrote my mom a loving text yesterday, she replied with passive-aggressive comments. She was disappointed she wasn't going to get to spend time with me. When I spoke my truth, and asked her to please just be straightforward if she's upset with me, she completely ignored the message. Hours later, she sent me a message saying "thank you for making me feel so special today!!
Hell, my friend if she makes you feel this awful on one day of the year she doesn’t deserve your presence on the other 364 days either. Really.
my mom does the same thing almost but everytime i tell her something i want her to hear or like having a serious convo about how i feel, she just ignores my text and then makes my dad text me it’s very odd
I was adopted by a narcissistic mother, however today I am honoring my birth mother in spirit 💫❤💐
good for u💌
@@hyeooonn1962 Thank you ❤
Me too, a real toxic bitch who never grew up. My real mother had a troubled life, she was a nice lady and she shared her problems with me. Both are dead now, it's just my real Mum that I miss.
That's very positive, keep your spirts high.
My husband was adopted by a covert narc mother ☹️
I am glad you call out the fact that we aren't all fortunate enough to have perfect upbringings and that we are still scarred in adulthood.
One thing I just thought about, is that all the people who act, and say, that everything is perfect, AREN"T always perfect. Many are just going along. Because, to do something different would be too devastating for them.
I had to be my mother's mother, and then failed my sister as a mother because I was a child without their own parent. I feel so much shame for how I couldn't help my mom or my sister, I walk around seeing their behaviour and feeling I failed to teach them right. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's one of the first lessons I learned about my role in the world. I can't stop crying when I hear someone acknowledge what it cost me like this.
Its not your responsibility to do that. Relax, love yourself first.
My mother talk about herself all the time, even when I wanna talk about me. It always go back to her. And whenever I say "No" or we disagree about for example politics she goes into a sick gaslight mode and I never realized more how much I've been gaslit by my mom, pretty much gaslighted into submission. This have ended up with me simply just blocking her everywhere incl. my dad as he always take her side and blocking their numbers. At 33 I just can't do this anymore, and the social stigma of loving and seeing your mom all the time is so crushing. I have nightmares of my childhood and the traumas that happened then whenever I meet them, and I'm done. Thank you for this video.
I still live with her... But this year I didn't say: "Happy Mother's Day". I felt both guilty and authentic. 💔
I did the same when it was mothers day in the UK I almost felt like by celebrating her, I was enabling who she is as a person. Which I didn't agree with... I did feel guilty though too
You should probably move out now.
@@occallie thank you. I really want to, although it feels scary. I've started therapy again to help me with the transition. 🤞🏻
@@yusepp I'm not the narcissist on our relationship. My daughter is 30 and she has anxiety, depression, etc brought on by her absent father in her past. She blames me, but her therapist says its not me. She hasn't acknowledged birthdays, Christmas, Mother's day for 3 years now. She's lived with me her entire life and I divorced 30 years ago and her father died 4 years ago. I know she's scared to have me move on too. I cant be treated likenthis anymore though. I understand exactly where you're at with this. Everyone is hurt. Someone has to make the first move though. In our situation it has to be me. It's been tried 4 times already. The hurt has to stop though, for both of you.
@@yusepp I wish you all the best on your future.
I woke up this morning angry, wanting to send a hurtful text to Her and I thought to myself “Dr. Ramany would understand” . The feelings come up without warning and I am so grateful to know that my sorrow and anger is normal. It helps just to hear Dr. R’s kind voice telling me it’s ok.
Ya being mean back just plays into what they want from you, acknowledgement and someone to keep fighting/sparring with, she can lose the fight without you participating...
Good for you. 👍
Give it time, after awhile as I’m years sometimes, you won’t wake up angry, rather happy and indifferent to the day, I too felt like you but today I don’t anymore. Just another day where I celebrate myself ☺️
Also, remember it has nothing to do with you. No matter what she says or does, that's her being her. You have worth, and value. One of the hardest things for me was not always getting mad, or trying to explain everything. I was SICK of always feeling I was on the outside looking in, always feeling like I didn't count. Always feeling like something was wrong with me, and trying to figure out why they (parents) treated me the way they did. I would make up "back stories" in my head, then try to find out of those stories were true about myself. I started having nightmares at the age of 4. Someone was chasing me and I was so scared. (more than that, just don't want to tell it all on here. Any way no hurtful texts today Kasonda. ok. Do something good for you. And keep watching Dr. Ramani. I watch her every morning. She's the best!!
Def normal we were kids now it’s an even playing field
I was raised/bullied by narcissistic abuse from my Mom and bullied just as much throughout childhood and at this point it's caused me to have regression and im 31 years old still living with the abuser because i dont know how to think for myself because i was never allowed to and punished and relentlessly ridiculed if I did show the smalles ounce of independence. Now I'm an old cow too old to start my life and im stuck and dont know how to get out because I have no way out. And this is EXACTLY how mu abuser wants it 😢
Your’re never too old. *Check into domestic abuse shelters as a possible living situation.* If you’re in the US *contact adult services in your county for assistance.* Yes, you can get out and yes, you can find resources in the community to help you. I promise you can do this, my friend. Best wishes
I relate to this so much. Hope you're well :(
I feel this so much.
I have been crying the past couple days as I’ve realized my mother who has always used and abused me, will never be capable of loving me. I just saw her for a visit on Thanksgiving and it was very painful. I’m just learning about narcissism and listening to your vids has been making my confusing childhood make some sense. It’s just a daily struggle after going through a traumatic childhood like mine. I was locked in a room and sexually assaulted by her boyfriend everyday as a toddler and she said that she suspected things were happening to me while she was working and he was home with me, but even after finding a pair of his boxers on my bedroom floor, she chose her boyfriend over me and was okay with me being abused even in front of her. As a child I would be in trouble all the time even though I always tried my best to be the best daughter, but was always made to feel like a failure. It made me feel unlovable. She would get a lot angrier if I would cry, and never gave me the affection I so desperately craved. To this day I still wish I had a mom who loved me or even a dad that did as well, but I am learning to cope through it. To anyone reading this who has also had a narc mom, you are worthy of love and not alone💜
She does not deserve anything from you especially your presence. Holidays without these nasty freaks can be wonderful after you sever ties completely. You can do this, my friend! Cyber hugs to you if you’re up for them ❤
I suffered more than this. Both my biological parents were abusive. My mom had affairs with at least 4 men as far as I knew she used to flirt and misbehave with her boyfriends in front of my eyes when I was just 7 I gradually understood her and at times I used to run to my neighbors house to escape from that mental trauma. She used to abuse me verbally and humiliate me in front of others. I used to always cry never she consoled me. She used to curse me when I cried. My dad was a pervert. In the absence of my mom he kissed her younger sister and later she confessed it to my mom so my parents had a big argument. When i grew up I often noticed my dad staring at my breasts I felt uncomfortable. When I was in teens he tried seducing me showing his dick. Intentionally he used to change his clothes in front of me. We live in a small house so I sleep with my parents at nights he used to masturbate standing near me. I used to sleep with fear always but he never touched me thank god. I was in constant fear till I lived in my house. Last year when I was going in a cab with my parents my dad was staring at my breast I suddenly noticed that and felt uncomfortable showed faces meanwhile my mom saw me and smirked at me. I was shocked to see that. The next morning I woke up when I saw my dad masturbating near my bed I started hitting him so badly and yelled at him. To this day I’m no longer in contact with him I’m staying in a different city away from my home
Happy Mother's day to all my fellow adult children who have been the mother to their infantilized mother or parent and are waking up and finally creating boundaries and standing up for themselves 💜
Never stand up to your abusers, just leave them.
I didn't even realise my mother was narcissistic until very recently. thank you dr. Ramani for educating us on all of this. this year, I celebrate myself, for mothering myself because my mom couldnt be bothered to do it for me.
Hey Angela! I had the same realisation this year too. I’m 34! It took many years for me to work it out as she always professed herself as “the victim” of my dad’s narcissistic abuse. All the while she was also a narcissist - a codependent narcissist 😬
When I was first given a book "will I ever be good enough" from a friend i thought how could my mom be a narc she doesn't or hasn't ever done anything or have any attachments. The first lines of the book were "when I told my mom I was writing a book about bad moms she said, 'why don't you write a book about bad fathers look what he did to us!'"... I couldn't put it down after that lol.
@@AndrewLewisHowe I had been married to a man who is very similar to my mother. They still like each other, both covert narcissists, one - "the best mother of the world" and the other - "the best father". Amusingly, being 25 I thought I am running away from my alcoholic father (who loved me actually), but being 50 now I've realized it was my mother, who I was trying to escape from. Very terrifying to learn at 50 that your mother never loved you...
It took me until I was 35 to figure it out
I’m 37yo and recently had this big “realisation” of my mother being toxic narcissist after therapy. Feels soo good & freeing
I went no contact with not only my narc mom but my whole dysfunctional,enabling family.Having narcissistic,ignoring,abandoning parents who scapegoat you is one of the biggest mind fucks you'll ever deal with!! They really are monsters!!
I blocked my mum and my brother at Christmas and I did explain that I had some things I needed to work through and needed space for myself. My mum continued to call although it went to deleted voicemails and At the weekend I listened to the latest one. OMG, the message was “I am dying to see you and so is your brother and then the rest of the 30 secs was all about her lovely day out with my brother & the grandchildren at the beach”.
There was absolutely nothing about “how are you?” Or “How is your wife, is she coping” or “do you or her need any help”?
THIS IS MY MUM?!?! It’s so overwhelming to accept, despite all the evidence and your videos that completely explain why she cannot and will never have any empathy or concern for how I am. It is exhausting that this is your own family doing this to you, who to others get the “perfect family” image portrayed. I’m totally broken and therapy is tough the more I learn about Narcissistic Abuse 😢
When the first thing these freaks do is stomp all over your boundary and contact you after you requested space, that’s a huge parade of wildly waving red flags that your gut feelings are *correct.* In fact, these people get even worse when you try to take a time out or NC completely.
So please….Run. And don’t look back, don’t go back ever, my friend. You have excellent instincts, please heed them, my friend.
Fortunately for me my mother died in 2014-one of the best days of my life
Waiting for my best day
@angelakirunda3910my mum has got 100x worse since my dad died. Hideous. I’m 50 and feel I’ll only ever be free once she’s gone.
Normally things like these are never said or would be deemed horrible from someone who has never known what is childhood pain, I understand.
Had to finish weeping and hug my dog. I want to bless the woman who gave birth to me and then terrorized and traumatized and humiliated me. She did not want children and was really only a child herself when she gave birth. I acknowledge her trauma and while I put no blame on her I heal myself by severing connection in this lifetime knowing we are all connected in the oneness of our Creator. Today I celebrate that I survived my mother. Bless us all.
Happy Mother’s Day to you! I bet your doggie thinks you are the best mommy ever!
Very well put. Thank you for sharing 💜
I hugged my dog, too!
Happy Mother's Day ❤
I get it! I'm So glad you survived.
Same, I pity narcissistic people but I pity the people who are abused by them more. Best 🙏
I was adopted by a narcissistic woman, my biological mother put me up for adoption because she was mentally ill with schizophrenia and knew she couldn't care for me properly. Little did she know I would be placed in the hands of an abuser. I've been free of my abusers for 3 years now which I accredit myself for but I feel so scared and lost all the time
You are so so strong and brave. You was not blessed with a good mother, I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean this should frame the rest of your life. Face the world with confidence and build and manifest the life you dream off. When you get married, I wish for you a loving wife who will be a good mother and a mother in law who will adore you and give you what you didn’t get. You can do it x
I feel incredibly blessed to have found your channel today! I'm 48 years young and have the mother who is text book definition of narcissists. She has five children, twenty+ grandchildren and she plays all of us against each other...she always has. She talks so ugly about each of us behind our backs. I finally called her out on this last summer when she accidentally texted me about me to my siblings. I quit speaking with her so many times but she always has some sort "emergency" where she needs me then she is back in my life once again. The past several weeks I've been making an effort to spend more quality time with her, helping her upkeep her and my dad's farm land. In fact Friday I spent six hours just mowing for her so she could enjoy her land around the house on Mother's Day. We hugged each other bye, and planned on seeing each other on Mother's day. None of her other children had planned on going to see her on MD, so I told her my husband and I would like to take her and my dad out for dinner. She was happy and said she looked forward to it. Saturday evening before bed I posted one of those posts you mentioned in your video...."My mom deserves a medal for putting up w3ith me all these years"....and "You were my first best friend and always will be"....."You are a strong and loving mother, who has shown grace and love for God". I love you always, Happy Mother's day". I tagged her in this post and added a beautiful photo of her! Several of her friends replied and she replied to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! She had NOTHING to say to me though. SO here I am, reading all her conversations with four or five different people, talking about all kinds of things. But she never said, Thank you, Velvet( that's my name) or I love you too and we'll see ya later for dinner. Not one damn word! She didn't even LIKE it. So i sent her a message privately and asked her how she was. And that I saw where she was replying to all her friends and wondered if I did something to upset her and that';s why she wasn't repyling to me. She ne3ver replied back to me. Then she posted a whoah is me on mothers day post saying she may not have been the best mother but she did what she could and blah blah blah. Then I find out why she did this. Her GOLDEN CHILD, my eldest brother, came over with his narcissist wife who hates me. My brothers daughter posted a photo of my mom and tagged her, said happy mothers day....my mom replied and liked hers. She actually purposely hurt me so I would stay away, so her golden child could come over. And to put the icing on the cake so to speak, she did this on the FIRST year I have been feeling my old self after the murder of my daughter. I just had a conversation with my mom last week and told her I'm finally off all my medicines, I'm laughing again, I'm feeling great and looking forward to moving on with my life. Like I am actually shocked that she did this to me today. I feel SOOO unloved. Ok, I'm trying to dry up my tears...I'm so tired of feeling this way...like a pawn of hers. I'm ALWAYS the scapegoat child. I know this was long and no one will probably read it through but I feel better just typing this out. Please disregard grammatical errors*
I read it all today. And sending hugs to you.
Please please realize that you are a pawn in a diabolical game. Narcissists hate anybody good. They wish they had your qualities.. they are jealous, vindictive, disrespectful,disdainful, invalidating, accusatory, demeaning, haughty , revengful, cruel, merciless, immoral...and it goes on and on. This is a fact they will destroy you if you remain.
Be good to yourself and be the parent that you need to yourself. Stop listening to the all too familiar echo of her voice telling you that you are unlovable! That is her goal..to crush you...this is a monster disguised as a Mother. Trust me I know the pain.
Live out your best life you are lovable and loved.
You almost feel slighted & them they make you feel like the crazy one for feeling the way you do.
🙏🙏🙏
I strongly dislike mothers day due to my sociopathic narcissistic mother. But I transcend this day as it just being a day and nothing more.
I even forgot it was mothers day. to me mothers day is nothing more then actually it was invented by commerce to show the love by buying materialistic offerings. Now there's real motherlove for you.
Of course materialism is what good mothers want from their children.
No one who's discovered and recovered would shame someone else's choice NOT to engage their toxic mother.
It's usually the people who are still clinging to mothers skirts themselfs who blame like that. I suppose they only will become full adults when the parent eventually dies, or maybe never.
@@LSMH528Hz extremely well said.
My high school gave a 50th birthday party for our class, because it coincided with an anniversary of the school. Their Facebook page asked each of us to say something to our 18 year old selves that would have been nice to hear. Many were silly, like “smoke more pot”, or “skip school more often”…but after thinking about how bad I felt after years of a narcissistic mom telling me I was too fat, too sensitive, too everything…I knew what I needed to hear. I wrote “you are enough”, crying as I wrote it. The tone completely changed on the page, and my classmates started writing equally poignant things. I make a point of telling my son, and the people in my life, how important they are to the world just the way they are at this moment. Words hurt, especially when you are a child, buts words can also heal.
I feel this. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying to give other people the words I wish I had.
You are so right! I loved and was close to my father and she hated it, but it was because we had the same personality, and God bless him for staying with her. She is still like that and she is 96. I have cared for her so well, and the people around her noticed how often I was there for her, did everything for her, and was always kind. Most times, I would end up leaving her place in tears and stopped seeing her, and then she would ask why don't you come around and when I would say, what is the use, it always ends in tears for me, and she would just say, oh you are over sensitive, etc. It's again my fault. My life literally has been ruined because of her. I am 66 now, and my health has been pushed to the limit and I get sick often. I cannot work out why and my sister are just the same, and she only ever cared about my older sister, she didn't care about my brother either, but she used us both.
I'm an adult of ethnic minority in a very troubled state and to this day I miserably, unproductively, angrily, fearfully, unsuccessfully live alone and have no life skills nor even employment. Please pray for me.
No prayer for you...action.
Do you know what a Pell Grant is?
Please look into it!
We believe in you.
🙏, remember God helps those who help themselves, we certainly didn't get here thanks to our narcissist mothers nor their toxic entourage!
I know what you mean. You're not alone. Prayers that God will help you find your purpose. He has kept you here for a reason, and it is not only to suffer. Keep your head up 🙏 Psalm 37:9-11
me too. you are not alone.
I am praying God gives you peace and strength to fight for your future. It is not too late to start over. Pray and cry out to God to help you change your life. He loves you and he cares. He will heal you and bless you, please start taking steps to move forward and God will open doors and opportunity.
My Nmom is still alive and I went no contact many years ago. When people ask me about my mom I tell them she's dead. She was never a mom, just an egg donor.
My mom takes better care of pets than people.
I call my N mother the incubator! I like you went totally no contact years ago. Have a great evening and take care
I used to call her the woman who gave birth to me. It was the nicest thing I could possibly ever say.
My egg donor ruined my life.
@@Khalfrank understand!!
This made me cry like a little kid when you started talking about channeling our inner child and realize how awful the things we say to ourselves can be. I'm in my early 20's and recently realized that my mom is a narcissist and I have to see her tomorrow. But I will take this with me. Thank you so so much Ramani.
I used to get sick often, general cough and cold (later found out I was allergic ). My mother used to say frequently "how you will have a career when you will be sick for 24/7"
I believed her to the core from my childhood days that when I got my first job at the age of 20, I thought I will not be able to keep up with the job due to my health issue"....which ultimately turned wrong. I survived in the same company for 7 years, got 2 promotions and had a grand farewell party after I decided to quit to be with my husband.....
She didn't allow me in the kitchen or let me help her in household chores ever but kept saying "people like you will never survive a marriage you can only suffer".... I believed her so much that I develop a disinterest in boys, forget a relationship because I was petrified of the word 'marriage'
Now its been 10 years I am in a blissful marriage
and yes, its been 10 months of freedom from a narcissistic mother daughter relation....
I know she makes us to blv or see the world by her words
It's not mother's day in Ireland, but I'm sending out love to all the people who need it today to get through all the nonsense they have to listen today.
Love your inner child who was never loved. ❤️
Tracy you are beautiful!!!
☘️♥️🙏
Thanks, Tracey
It's very hard to tell people about my narc parents / mother when they have mother's / father's day. I know cause I tried telling several of them. Sure enough, there responses were "at least you have a mother / father" "you're so ungrateful" "you're gonna regret not connecting with them" or something along those lines.
I agree and the biggest regret is not setting firm boundaries long time ago and if they were ignored back then, would have gone no contact at least 10 years ago rather than 2 years ago! I swear narcissists are the only people who call other people ungrateful.
I know just what you mean!! They are projecting on you. Try to deflect it. They can't understand that you are protecting yourself.
@@quincicoates2490 but it's not just family or random people saying this. It's also police officers, doctors / therapists, support groups, organizations, and everything but the kitchen sink. So those we're expected to rely on are giving me / us the same exact rhetoric.
We've lived with regret of not connecting with them all our lives. We've lived the facade.... They don't connect on any deeper level. The play acting is very draining. People who make these comments don't know what we're talking about or are narcs 🙋
Anyone who would actually say those things to you is completely ignorant. Trying to shame you for protecting yourself is really just another form of abuse. You shouldn't need to explain yourself to 'friends' anyway.
First thank you for describing my mother so well.
My brother's and I have actually begun calling her gifts " tribute"
If she's not pleased with her tribute our dad has to call us to express her displeasure and dissatisfaction with us.
You nailed it
I always felt weird on mothers day my whole life, even when I didn't know about narcissism, had discomfort in the air
Since I released myself not only from the narcissistic mother but also from society pressure I feel better than ever, I'm in no contact with her for months
Yesterday I only remembered all those years of discomfort and the only thing I felt was relieve
What hurts the most is knowing my covert narcissist mom is lying about why I am absent and saying mean things about me. She always has, I just wasn't wise to it until now. She is very effective with smear campaigns. I saw them waged on others throughout the years. It's sad, but knowing it's not unique to me is a mild comfort.
Yes, the injustice of being falsely maligned is maddening. As the scapegoat, I used to get crazy over that until a kind friend taught me this mantra: “What other people say about me is none of my business.” Knowing this and repeating this has been a tremendous help. Try it! The more you say it, the more solid it becomes. Good luck!
My mom has done the same thing to me...all my family members, actually. Took me a while to work through it, but I’m happier and healthier without them in my life.
😢 that's so painfull, I've had the impression it's only happens to me. My mom is saying I am kidnapped or i am forced to do something, just because i left home at my 29 years and i am in a serios relationship.
I called my mother this morning, despite us not being on “good terms” (she’s upset I tell her the truth) and she ignored my call lol. I was having so much anxiety/sadness & I looked up your channel to remind me that it’s “normal” to feel like this today. Thank you Dr. Ramani 🤍 happy Mother’s day! 🌹🌹
Me today
@@mamelisa.officialmine just told me about what a total and utter disappointment I am. (Mind u, I’m doing pretty well in life)x then in the next breath complained about why me or my kids don’t call her. Even more infuriating is, I DO! And she told me that her FRIENDS kids send THEIR parents beautiful presents. I was speechless. I spent my last dollar on presents for her, when she doesn’t deserve them. I even sent her a Valentine’s Day present, and Valentine’s Day is MY birthday! It makes me so sad.
You aren't alone ❤
Thank you for validating the horror of this "holiday." At 59 years old, Mothers Day still gives me chills.
I’m deeply horrified by the things I heard so routinely as a child from both parents. I couldn’t hear it until I was away long enough and had my own children, or simply started telling people..the horrified looks on their face is a good reminder of how toxic it is.
This specific subject is so undiscussed. Sometimes people can feel crazy when in reality its not them it’s their mother and further more it is NOT normal.
Anyone else did the over the top mother's day rituals to help satiate the narcissistic supply? The posts on social media, planting flowers in her yard, special meals, huge gifts, the whole shebang..
So glad to be no contact now.
Guilty...NEVER AGAIN!
I remember finding the stash of plants we had bought our 'mother', just stuck in a heap and ignored.
Social media is ridiculous on this holiday. I couldn’t even be on it today
Grew up having to do it, but never put any of it on social media. I actually enjoy seeing social media on these days (mother's and father's day)... it reminds me that some people were lucky and got great parents and have amazing relationships with them and I think that's amazing. I just wish I'd have gotten some, too, so it's saddening, as well.
Yep, I did this as a CHILD, always trying to fulfil her obvious need for validation since my brother and dad never did. Of course no matter what I did, whether I cleaned the whole house, made her breakfast in bed, picked flowers for her, drew her an elaborate card - it was never enough. I could tell she was always slightly disappointed, as if what she really wanted was a surprise trip to Paris in a fancy hotel with massages and dinners included.
Pulling up an old photo of myself and trying to repeat the things I was told as a child was truly gut-wrenching and absolutely horrible. What an excellent practice. It literally blew my mind to even try to imagine saying some of those things to a literal child. Thank you.
Indeed. The woman I never hug or call mother to her face. The woman who told me she wished she'd had an abortion when I was a child, beat me, spat on me, sexually abused me (insisted I be in her bed), emotionally tortured me, called the father that provided me a sanctuary and cared for me once the divorce was finalised around 5/6 years of age vile names (wished him dead and told me she's glad he's dead when he died), and thinks that she can buy off all the damage she inflicted with gifts. Crunch came this week when I informed her (via text, obviously) that she can't expect demands on my time, call multiple times a day etc. because I actually have friends/a social life. Never mind the fact that she coached her younger sister (bearing in mind the woman would have been around 18 or 19 when she was doing this to her 10/11 year old sister and probably before, but this is all my aunt admitted to which, amongst other reasons, led to a nearing 30 year estrangement, besides the fact that this trash that birthed me cut off her own mother as well - usual pattern with malignant narcs) to perform oral sex on her. The response - "Changing my will immediately"/"Friends, stop fooling yourself". Death or simply being alone and living out the rest of her tortured miserable years with her disgusting/vindictive/sour self, would be karma enough. Actually, a prison sentence, a long spell on a psychiatric unit and a sterilisation would have been more apt. Sadly, there are too many scumbags who call themselves parents, and too many authentic graceful people who opted out because of the damage inflicted in them by this human waste (leading them to believe the world is unfair and wanting to end toxic genetic lines). The world is upside down and long due a shift.
It's buying a card that brings out the big empty hole inside where her love and respect should be. Trying to find one with words that are not lies, yet is kind enough to keep up appearances. Plastering the smile on your face as you visit, and praying your lips will stay sealed as your brain screams unspoken responses to her jabs. I've mostly disabled mine these days because she thinks she has my husband fooled so she's nice in front of him, and I keep him almost nailed to my side so that she is forced to behave. The last laugh is on me lately, and that's a wonderful thing.
I relate and appreciate what you're saying. Things shifted for me, now my husband is the scapegoat too and she is relentless I've had to go no contact and stand up for us both.
You hit the nail on the head. Trying to keep up appearances because our mothers live in this weird delusional fantasy that we're a loving, happy family. Having to seal our lips instead of reacting to their mean comments, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive jabs... I'm so sorry for you and I'm glad you're getting the last laugh.
I don't let my daughter buy her mother anything that says "World's Best Mom" on it (telling her that the best mothers don't abuse), teach her to love and respect her mother despite the abuse, identify specific instances of emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation as it happens when I can, teach that it's bad and wrong and without excuse and not her fault and she did nothing to deserve it, teach her that no one is all good or all bad, identify what is good in her mother's actions and words, and help her find a card and gift that shows gratitude and kindness while remaining honest. They need more cards that simply say "Happy Mother's Day" or "Thinking of you today" or "Wishing you well today" or "Thank you for carrying me inside you for a few months," instead of all the flowery, explicit stuff!
Buy her the biggest, most expensive, smarmiest, flowery card and see if she can sense the lie in it.
@@engleharddinglefester4285 LOL great idea. She would get a shock at the very least.
Thanks Dr Ramani for focusing this topic. Society has conditioned to think of mothers are loving, caring and selfless. Having experience a narcissistic mother myself, I can't emphasize how this can create a cognitive dissonance. I'm still healing and recovering from the brainwashing.
It may help if you remember that "Mother's Day" is a con. Think about it.
To any of you like me raised by narcissistic parents, I think it can help to validate your own experiences to remember NPD is a spectrum; not all of the symptoms have to presents or as severe as each other. Being the golden child/scapegoat can and does change between siblings and in intensity. Your loved experience is valid even if it differs from others! Sending you love and strength
When getting older, I found that calling my mom by her name really made for a more bearable relationship.
Happy Mother’s Day to all who are great moms or try.
Awwe. That's a sweet thing to say. Even to the ones who try. 🙏
Mother’s Day
For many people that means flowers and handmade cards and Sunday brunches and waves of laughter. It means celebration and gratitude and warm embraces and great rejoicing. It means resting fully in all that is good about loving and being loved.
But not for some people.
For some it only means tears.
For some it just hurts.
In the hearts of many, this day is a bitter, unsolicited reminder of what was but no longer is, or a heavy holiday of mourning what never was at all.
Maybe it is such a day for you.
It might bring with it the scalding sting of grief for the empty chair around a table.
It might come with choking regret for a relationship that has been severed.
It might be a day of looking around at other mothers and other children, and feeling the unwelcome intrusion of jealousy that comes with comparison.
It might be yet another occasion to lament the mistakes you made or the words you didn’t say or the kindness you never knew.
It might be an annual injury you sustain.
Consider this a personal love letter to you who are struggling today; you whose Mother’s Day experience might be rather bittersweet- or perhaps only bitter.
This is consent to feel fully the contents of your own heart without censorship or guilt or alteration.
If you are hurting, then hurt.
May you feel permission to cry, to grieve, to be not alright.
May you relieve yourself of the burden of pretending everything is fine or faking stability or concealing the damage.
May you feel not a trace of guilt for any twinge of pain or anger that seizes you today, because it is your right to feel.
Above all though, may you find encouragement even in your profound anguish.
May you find in your very sadness, the proof that your heart though badly broken, still works.
Let the pain you are enduring reassure you that you still have the capacity to care deeply, despite how difficult it has been.
See your grief as the terrible tax on loving people well, and see your unquenched longing for something better as a reminder of the goodness within you that desires a soft place to land.
If on this Mother’s Day you are struggling, know that you are not alone.
May these words be the flowers that you wait for or the call that won’t come or the conversation that you can’t have or the reunion that has not yet arrived.
Let them be hope packaged and personally delivered to the center of your heart, and may they sustain you.
In this time of great pain, know that you are seen and heard, and that you are more loved than you realize.
Be greatly encouraged today.
-John Pavlovitz
@@veronicamoo6380 all those who try. To those who are mothers to pets, to other people’s children. And for those who don’t have a mother and mothered themselves. Make it a good day.
Trying is what separates the wheat from the chaf.
I take my mum out or buy her something nice every mothers day, even though I feel uncomfortable doing so. This mothers day I said to her "I'm not that keen on mothers day as I never get taken out". Her answer "Well it's not about you is it". I'm a mother by the way.
I love these videos, even the ones that don’t apply to me from a healing prospective teachers me what others are going through and creates insights into considerations I need to keep conscious regarding what other people might be experiencing
Spending yet another holiday without mommy dearest, been no contact for a long time now. I’m smiling at how peaceful life is.
Complicated and so painful. 😭 I Cut all ties with family
Kalimantan, it is the only thing you can do. They will not release you from that historical dynamic, and if you do not cut all ties (it is difficult) minimise your contact and treat them politely, give them no information other than banalities, and minimise your involvement in their lives - and use that time to get out and make a rich social network. Good luck and value yourself enough to do it. You are entitled to so much more than they will ever give you. Was it Nina Simone who said if there is no love at the table, get up and leave
Very complicated 😢
3 years in Therapy, almost 2 years no contact this is the first time on a mother's day, (I am from UK living in US so 2 mother's days uug!), that I didn't feel awful, conflicted, confused and angry. I saw a few posts from friends and actually felt happy for them that they had a good mother. I can not recommend no contact enough...yes initially you will go through a bunch of guilt and shame about it but stick with it and once you get through that bs it feels amazing it may be the happiest I have been as an adult...infarct thinking about it now it is the happiest I have ever been as an adult or a child. Without her I have peace and space to be me :) happy mother's day to all the lovely lucky people who had a good mother I am happy for you and all the children/adults who got a loving mothering experience. And happy you day to all those children/adults who didn't have a good mother like Dr. Ramani said take this day for you ignore social media do something good for you today
Grateful for you, Doctor Romani- and thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with us on such a complicated day ❤🌺⚘🌷
Thank you for seeing us who have lived without a healthy maternal bond. I always feel sad and jealous on this day. ❤️
I have NO photos of myself as a child but that is an interesting suggestion and I hope other sufferers on here can do it and be kind.
Many years ago, it was suggested to my mother who suffered narcissistic abuse all her life. After she died I found the photo she chose and I didn't fully understand at the time, but it made me feel so incredibly sad and empathetic towards her. She was an alcoholic and we didn't have the best relationship at the end of her life.
As the scapegoat in the family, there were barely any photos of me around the house but the golden child had tons. Like to a stranger entering the house you might guess the number of children wrong based on what photos were presented. It’s insulting and disgusting, but I’ve moved on from my narc mother so she can hang whatever the fuck she wants. I don’t have to see it.
I look at a 4 yrs old photo of me and I recognize the same pained expression I see in the mirror today. I am 51.
my parents took pics of all other children except me
You know, I have very few pictures of me as a baby or kid, but not because my mother didn't have them, but because she made me feel so ugly all the time, that any time I saw a picture of myself, I tore it up. Shoot, it's the main reason I don't take pictures of myself to this day; she still makes me feel so ugly.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Mother's Day has always been a bad day for me, especially after I went no-contact with my mother. My entire family shamed me and ostracized me. No one believed me. There was no one to talk to. If I tried to tell people, they were shocked. "But she's your mom!" I'm so grateful for the narcissism survivor community. They are the only ones who understand.
I’m new here and 2 mins in and not only do I sincerely appreciate this but truly needed it today. Thank you so much for validating our experiences❤️
I have hated this day for years. I haven't seen or talked to my mother in over 8 years because I HAD to cut her out of my life. Thank you for your channel Dr. Ramani! I listen to your content to help me stay centered, especially on frustrating holidays like today.
Oh wow, I’m in England so it’s not our Mother’s Day here.... but my god am I feeling it today. Let go of my narcissistic mother almost a year ago now.. Thank you for your video’s they have been crucial for my healing journey 🙏💜
Ditto
No contact no problems!
I’m from England so reverse situation but the feelings are the same. Stay strong 💪🏻
This day hurts so much. I have an abusive alcoholic borderline narc mom who is incredibly selfish, always put other men before her daughters and did whatever she wanted regardless of how it impacted us. So when I see other people with these beautiful mother daughter relationships, I feel jealous, I feel grief and sadness for something I never had. Mothers day commercials are a painful reminder.
Thanks for your words of understanding and wisdom, Doc! I love that practice of seeing photos of ourselves as kids as reminders to be tender and gentle with our inner child. For this past Mother’s Day, I gave thanks to Mother Nature, my older friends who are moms with grown kids my age, and to myself for being my own maternal parent I needed and still need today.
I wrote my mother today with these words, "why wasn't I good enough for you?" (I'm sure she'll see it as "why wasn't I good enough" and point out all my bad qualities...) She pretty much ignored me for the past three years, as I went thru cancer treatment...
sooo painful! so I will tell you "you ARE (more than) good enough!" the 'fault' is not with you; its she who shut down her heart to you! you didn't do anything wrong. you are worthy of love. you are perfect as you are.
@@devidaughter7782 I wish I could believe that. Thank you xoxox Take care of you today.
That's so painful, I'm so sorry 😞 But truly, it is she that is not good enough for you.
This isn't real mother, this is the woman who raised me, my adoptive mother. It all makes me feel so flawed and when I write these words, I feel like Dr. Ramani would call me a covert narcissist. Does it get any better?
@@happyjmc you are not flawed, and it's likely that its the 'mean critic' inner voice calling you a (covert) narc. you are on this channel and you are healing and growing and recovering, with all the rest of us flawed, resplendent beings! welcome! you belong!
When your Narcissistic Partner can look you in the eye and say ‘ At least I don’t treat you as bad as your Mother’ ...and it actually be true. Then you really don’t understand what all the fuss is over Mother’s Day ....
Wow. That's awful. I'm sorry. 🤗
.... that was hard to read cos it hit close to home.... bless you. Life will turn over a new leaf
@@rohinisivalingam3309 Thanks and God Bless you too. 🙏
Degrees of neglect are still neglect, tho.
So, holidays aside, that was a d*$# move by the narc partner. Not cool.
Stay Strong 💪
He sounds like my ex covert narc partner!!!😱. He recognised my mom is an ice cold egoistic narc immediately.
Omg thank you sooo much for telling me about my life with my mother!!!! This is so comforting to be so understood xxx
Thank you for your kind note at end saying" be kind to yourself do something authentic "🙏
After today, being disrespected, disregard time n again from narc enabler mother n brother n husband, it just soothed the spirit. Thank you 🙏
every time I am able to speak my truth in even some small way, to break out of voiceless-ness/ passivity, to stand up for better treatment of myself, I heal a little more. and the more I can name the abuse (first of all for myself), the more I free myself from the weight of self-pathologizing. the more I identify the unhealthiness, the healthier I become!
Mother’s Day
For many people that means flowers and handmade cards and Sunday brunches and waves of laughter. It means celebration and gratitude and warm embraces and great rejoicing. It means resting fully in all that is good about loving and being loved.
But not for some people.
For some it only means tears.
For some it just hurts.
In the hearts of many, this day is a bitter, unsolicited reminder of what was but no longer is, or a heavy holiday of mourning what never was at all.
Maybe it is such a day for you.
It might bring with it the scalding sting of grief for the empty chair around a table.
It might come with choking regret for a relationship that has been severed.
It might be a day of looking around at other mothers and other children, and feeling the unwelcome intrusion of jealousy that comes with comparison.
It might be yet another occasion to lament the mistakes you made or the words you didn’t say or the kindness you never knew.
It might be an annual injury you sustain.
Consider this a personal love letter to you who are struggling today; you whose Mother’s Day experience might be rather bittersweet- or perhaps only bitter.
This is consent to feel fully the contents of your own heart without censorship or guilt or alteration.
If you are hurting, then hurt.
May you feel permission to cry, to grieve, to be not alright.
May you relieve yourself of the burden of pretending everything is fine or faking stability or concealing the damage.
May you feel not a trace of guilt for any twinge of pain or anger that seizes you today, because it is your right to feel.
Above all though, may you find encouragement even in your profound anguish.
May you find in your very sadness, the proof that your heart though badly broken, still works.
Let the pain you are enduring reassure you that you still have the capacity to care deeply, despite how difficult it has been.
See your grief as the terrible tax on loving people well, and see your unquenched longing for something better as a reminder of the goodness within you that desires a soft place to land.
If on this Mother’s Day you are struggling, know that you are not alone.
May these words be the flowers that you wait for or the call that won’t come or the conversation that you can’t have or the reunion that has not yet arrived.
Let them be hope packaged and personally delivered to the center of your heart, and may they sustain you.
In this time of great pain, know that you are seen and heard, and that you are more loved than you realize.
Be greatly encouraged today.
-John Pavlovitz
My mom.
She is really weird most of the time.
She gets angry. Then she gets calm. Always wants to be right. She even said that we never apologize to her.
Funny. Since we were young, me and my siblings, even dad, were the ones who begged for her forgiveness. Yes. We beg.
She's the one who never, NEVER, apologize.
She used guilt and shame to control us.
Comparing us with her.
Even after she got angry with us.
We still wanna celebrate her birthday.
Yet, oh my. She looks unhappy.
As if what we're doing is not enough, as if we made a terrible mistake.
Can't take this anymore.
I've struggled enough since I was in elementary school.
Leaving her soon.
🦋
Thank you 🙏🏻 It’s good to know that there is someone who sees through us, understands us ♥️
Thanks for all these videos, I've watched hours and hours of them and they have helped me so, so much!
When I realized Mother’s Day was intended to be a funeral day & the woman who created it hated what it became, I realize what a pointless day it is.
mothers day was intended to be a funeral day?
@@happyjmc yup so the woman, Anna Jarvis held a memorial service that day when her mother died and it later became Mother’s Day as we know it
@@plantingivy oh I see, thank you xoxox
@@plantingivy wow. That's interesting.
Ha ha, my poor young daughter would ask what I wanted for mother's day, I'd answer 'Not to be a mother', she didn't push my desire.... She's 25 and single.... When my son was Scouts they'd take them on an overnight for mother's day! I'd do it all again in a second,....
If only I has dr. Ramani telling me these when I was a teenager! Or in my 20’s! Could’ve been life changeing.
My mom overlooked me and treated me like crap, but now that she’s old, helpless and sick, without any other person to check in on her, she’s grabbing on to me because there’s no one else who gives her a sense of ”something happening”.
Every Mother’s Day for me have always been conflicting. I was always ignored and not acknowledged of my existence. Somehow or another everything is always my fault for absolutely everything in my entire life. It wasn’t a typical mother daughter relationship it was always conflicting and controlling. Not only that I have a learning disability so it was always used against me.
it's never too late for change and renewal
@@LSMH528Hz I don't believe that goes for demons in a human host
I feel so validated and empowered listening to you, thank you. I just spent the last week with my mother and it was so difficult, self hatred and depression were at a high level for me. I haven’t seen her in 2 years as we live 3000 miles away from each other. She left 2 days ago and I am just getting back to feeling better. Thank you for all of your videos, I am just getting started and it’s so very helpful. I thought she was borderline personality disorder but I have a feeling that she is narc and I may be borderline (I hope I am not but I am trying to be real with myself) she was highly physically abusive and violent as well
as emotionally abusive. Thank you again for giving your time and knowledge to us all🥰❤️
Finally someone more eloquent put the words and ideas and feelings that I have had my whole life in order and gives validation to this ongoing traumatic experience ... thanks
"You'll regret how badly you treated me when I'm gone!" No, never.
EDIT: Someone revived this comment I made over a year ago, and it's kind of aged like milk, actually... I found out almost a year and a half after it happened, but my N-maternal unit died in the first Covid wave. I really struggled with it because I never got closure, to tell her how fscked in the head she was, and left me.
I ended up writing my own obituary for her and getting it published in the local newspaper that told the reality behind her sanitized obituary that omitted me. Now my only regret is that she succumbed quickly to the disease.
I have heard this a million times!
Heard it too
I would always think "miss you for what"? The trauma, the abuse, the belittlement? Nah, I'm good on that.
My day this too. “You’ll know when I’m gone” and other similar lines. She cause unbelievable pain in all 4 of us.
Oh, yes, the threats.🙄