How to stop being a PERFECTIONIST.
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- Опубликовано: 15 июн 2024
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00:00 - Intro
1:10 - rebranding failure
3:45 - cried when I first heard this
4:40 - let me blow your mind
7:15 - what they WONT teach you in school
9:30 - thanks to Roborock :)
12:36 - perfectionism PARALYSIS
14:00 - the momentum cheat code
15:00 - the pattern of "failure"
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#perfectionism #productivity #washingtondc #selfhelp
One phrase that really helped me with perfection paralysis is "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly", it doesn't mean that you should do everything poorly, it just means that if you really need to get something done, doing it poorly is better than not doing it at all.
Progress > perfection
this is such a hilarious and delightful alternative to the toxic "the way you do anything is the way you do everything". I love love this
Commenting so I can be reminded of this saying in the future ❤
Out of all the quotes i read lately, i think this is the one i me gonna to pin on my wall
love this!
Having 6 kids helped me get over a lot of my perfectionist tendencies. You don’t need a perfect meal, just a good healthy meal. You don’t need perfectly done laundry, just clean clothes that fit. You don’t need a spotless house, just good enough to function and enjoy.
Your tips sound much easier than the route I took but it did work! 😂 Love your videos!!!
My pastor the other day shared that "Failure is not an event. It is a judgment about an event." And that really resonated with me and I think fits in with the last section of your video perfectly.
wow! love this. tnx
This was crazy. I have a physics exam in a week and the past few days I've been completely paralyzed. I have barely studied. I keep telling myself I'll study after I do blank. When I saw you uploaded a video, I told myself I'll study after I watch it. No, this video was so good at pushing me to face studying that I studied in the middle of it. The second you said, set a 15 minute timer, I was like Fuck yes I'm doing this. You then said that I might study for even longer than that and I was like Nah, that's overestimating my energy. DUDE, I set a 15 minute timer then ignored it to keep studying for another 15 minutes! I studied for 30 minutes today! A lot freaking better than the 0 minutes the past week. THANK YOU.
edit bcs someone asked: I GOT A B PLUS!!!!! genuinely genuinely genuinely would NOT have gotten such a high grade without finding this vid at the time i found it!! thanks caroline
Yeah! You can do it! Force! Acceleration! Mass! Omg I forgot physics! Go you!!!
You've got this!! I recognize this so so much! For me it really helps to meet up with a friend for coffee and study there, at their place! That way I have an 'appointment' (coffee with friend), which I can't procrastinate, and my study session starts with a moment of relaxation (laughing with friend and a bit of their reassurance about my worries) and studying in their company or even just their house while they do other stuff reduces my perfectionism-related-anxiety.
Good luck with your physics exam! I just finished my thesis a few days ago and the sheer amount of stress procrastinating I've done the last few weeks cannot be overstated. You can do it!
ah man, i know that place so well. it is extremely relatable! this exam clearly holds a ton of weight in your mind, and that makes it so impossible to chip away at. try the 15 minutes, do 15 min increments for the whole study week if you need. you will get there. it's all surmountable :)
I studied astrophysics and it's INSANE the amount of times I procrastinated because everything seemed so daunting all the dang time! I started doing the same thing as well, put a 15-minute timer and study all my homework and class notes. I would snooze the timer and then 2 hours later would look around and realize I had been studying that entire time. Discipline is important, but burnout is detrimental. [*edit for misspelling]
Holy sweet mother of crap, you just solved the goddamn mystery of my lifelong procrastination, anxiety, overexplaining, over-apologizing, and beating myself up. I am so showing this to my therapist.
I definitely look for perfection in other people, and that's such an unrealistic way of looking at people, and it's unfair to hold anyone to those expectations.
Yes compassion for me, judgement for thee
me too and I just feel like such an abuser afterwards. I feel like I can't let people make their own mistakes and "fix them for their own good" which is so messed up((
Im the opposite... I give so many excuses and considerations to others but so harsh on myself. So I end up befriending the most selfish people and after a few years, after sucking the life out of me, give up on the excuses start putting a distance. Its horrible. Balance in everything ia the best.
I can relate to this. I have such a short fuse for anyone else making mistakes. It's a lot of effort to act easy-breezy but I'm always worried they can see the impatience in my eyes. And yes. I feel like an ass after!
It's hard for me to say that, b/c I find that most of the folks in my circle are anything _but_, perfectionists and tend to half step, but expect raving praise for every little effort they make. So, I feel like my standards are too high, but I'm sure they aren't. It's my demographic.
The saying “do your best” never resonated with me… I thought that was crazy because if I did my best at everything I would drop dead from exhaustion… One must leave room for playtime, socializing, art, etc.
literally striving out here for my worst
And I always struggled to figure out what "my best" was because I felt like I always could have done more probably and that's exhausting!
"An imperfect something is better than a perfect nothing." Author unknown but this quote has encouraged me many times.
Another piece of advice: don't delete things from your To Do List once you complete them! Don't rewrite it to look nicer! Later, when you feel like you've "done nothing all day" (because you didn't do the biggest thing yet), you need evidence that you did do something! Also add things to the list if you do something not on the list and cross it off! It's very empowering to see ALL THE THINGS you've done!
👆me 😂
feels like caroline is always saying things that i know to be true in my brain and world view but never put into words
my favorite feedback, im so glad
Re: C+ is OK. My last 1/4 of college I was burned out and went to the school's mental health services and the psych prof who was the counselor that day shocked me by telling - just get Cs. It doesn't matter, you'll have your degree. I didn't even know that was an option! I've taken his advice to heart and look for where a C is just fine.
Wise man
There's a lot of truth to this. I got - literally- straight As my entire college career; and guess what? NOBODY cares. Nobody cared way back then and nobody cares about it now. In fact, I think I got passed up for a job because of it.
Dude, I was told ‘D equals diploma’
They say in the Netherlands we have a 'sixes culture' which means we aim to just pass exams. My friends father used to respond to an 7,5: "that's your own fault", in that you spend too much time studying when you could have been doing something for fun!
I'm about to sit in front of my sewing machine to alterate some clothes and I'm thinking: this time it's going to be fun! No matter the results ✨💕
oh man perfectionism really holds me back in sewing specifically
Hah! My sewing machine is also sitting RIGHT THERE staring at me.
yes 🙌
Ohhhh, sewing - I just finished a project that I started 4 YEARS ago. Even though I thought my idea was cute, I became so afraid that it was going to look dumb and the person I was making it for would truly be disappointed in that kind of gift. The recipient’s birthday recently came around again so I decided to finish the thing. It ended up taking only an afternoon to sew. I even forgot how some of my pieces were supposed to go together so I simplified it. I was so relieved to be able to give my long-intended gift and to shed the burden of the long-associated guilt. The recipient absolutely loved her gift and genuinely thought it looked amazing. It’s crazy how debilitating and paralyzing our own perfectionism is but how rewarding it can be to challenge it and move on.
Wow, I just got a chill reading your comment. There's a quilting project I have been procrastinating on forever! I cut the squares during the Covid lockdown, and have yet to sew even two together! I have done two miniature prototypes, to test my idea of how to quilt it. But it's a very emotion-laden quilt, and I can see now that my desire for it to be perfect is holding me back.
I'm a PhD student, and I think you can also be the kind of perfectionist who has no idea that they are one, but then obsesses over every single assignment till you're welll past the deadline, because you're so worried about how you're going to come across to the person who reads your assignment. I do this with emails, any kind of correspondence, paper, etc. that I have to write as well. Its just one anxiety inducing cycle that I'm sick of, so your point that all this obsessing doesn't even lead to perfection at the end, really resonantes with me.
im a student aiming for phd and i feel this so hard. it consumes me!!!
Also on the PhD train and also resonating with the lessons of the video. Getting a PhD is HARD, and not for the reasons most people would imagine.
I find it useful to remind myself that 'Perfectionism isn't about standards, it's about fear'. So I need to force myself to confront the fear that's holding me back from starting, or finishing, something. Because most of the time, as you say, the thing you're afraid of doesn't actually matter. We're all dying 😂
This is one of my favorite videos of yours so far. "Perfectionism doesn't amount to perfection." Well said bb
Regarding corner cutting: I had a work mentor explain to me that we are like a sponges under a constant stream of water. Some water will be absorbed; most water will inevitably drip out of the soaked sponge. We often can't control the stream of water, but we can learn to control (to an extent) what is absorbed and what drips out.
I like this analogy...it’s definitely a good one thank you for sharing
"Things I thought would matter, but didn't" list. This is genius. If only, if ONLY I could actually follow through and remember to do something like this 😅
Put making a list the first task on your list!! 2 birds one stone!
Brene Brown talks about how perfectionism is driven by feelings of shame. And I can definitely see how shame has driven my personal drive for unachievable perfectionism. The fear of failure is usually rooted in feelings of shame.
Loved the video ❤
"Better done than perfect" is a another useful quote I'm trying to remember whenever feeling overwhelmed by overthinking about an assignment.
I tried to be the perfect girlfriend/fiance and it meant that I ultimately pushed my needs down to the pits of hell to prioritise my boyfriend instead. It meant my entire self worth revolved around how well i met his needs, and how he responded to me for doing that. It meant i became smothering but also incredibly needy. I was always trying to please him because that meant i could get external validation from him. He ended up leaving me because he felt he didnt love me anymore which totally crushed me for the longest time. It felt like a failure. Therapy has helped ❤
Thanks for sharing Louise. It’s very brave of you. I’m actually going through the exact same with my husband of nearly 5 years. He left nearly a year ago and I did the exact thing you described. Know you’re not alone and sharing helps others.
Wow. Thank you. I'm about 6 months out of a relationship where I was like that, that ended with him no longer loving me or wanting to follow through with plans we made together. Still really deeply hurt by it and how it's affected every aspect of my life.
I do not blame the men for leaving. You guys its hard to love someone who doesnt love themselves, its not attractive at all.
How would you value someone who see no value in themselves?
Being this self aware is amazing - well done Louise! I did this during my 20's because that's where I saw my self-worth.... In a man's opinion of me, and they were 'low quality' men aswell because of how insecure I was about myself (childhood trauma). It was always men that didn't care, who weren't supportive, who were narcissistic and selfish etc.
Painful lessons, but ultimately its taught me how to be my most authentic and happy self! ❤🎉
@@melmel7011 true. There were faults on both sides of our relationship and he was far from perfect. I put up with a lot because of what i thought its what i deserved/we still had a lot of positives about our relationship. Its incredibly complex but yes, ultimately the work for me now starts on building up my self esteem.
I was so worried about a presentation I had to do for a class today because I am a perfectionist, and I killed it! All that worry for nothing.The best dating advice this old lady can give you(from a ton of experience and four marriages), is instead of worrying if THEY like YOU, be more concerned if YOU like THEM. Then just be yourself and relax and have fun. When we don't put expectations on how the date will go, we can't be let down if it sucks and we just might wind up having a really good time. You only want to settle down with someone who totally gets and likes YOU, warts , misspelled texts and all.
Not only do you give amazing new, unique pieces of advice; you also present advice I've heard a million times in a way that makes it land for once. Thank you for your videos.
Mara, so well said. Curious if you can dive deeper on what helps advice land for you? Would love your insights.
Literally, right?!?!?!
@@grannyronnaalthough for me many I’ve heard before were more enjoyable just bc it was entertaining Caroline who said them, it was the “keeping lists”segment that I’m looking to attempt to seriously incorporate into my life now. Although both my siblings, both my older brother and sister, have each told me at different times in life to keep lists (they both do and like doing and do accomplish much more than me), I fought the suggestion as just another thing to do, something to add to my day. Both of them have told me how great it feels to cross something off the list, and now that I heard Caroline say -also add things to the list that you did that wasn’t on there so you can feel good to cross it off- I’m sure my sister has told me that too. But……..she’s (sister) also gone through her lists and made a very long story out of everything she’s done for weeks on end before she’s done telling me about the importance of keeping lists, so I’m pretty sure I’m already worn out about the idea before our conversation is over. And it could very well be that the suggestion is coming from a sibling vs. a friend/not family member -long story myself today😂. Thanks for listening. I’m putting “wrote a long story to a friend” on my new list for today.😂 (Kathy)
Completely agree
What else I wanted to tell you. Today I watched your video on loneliness again. I'm currently in a phase where I'm challenging myself. That means I've already been to kickboxing, I've had a manicure/pedicure for the first time, I've been to the cinema and various art exhibitions by myself. However, today I was alone at a stand up comedy show. And your video motivated me even more to just go there alone. So thanks.
Good for you!! I’ve also never gotten a manicure/pedicure 😅
you should be incredibly proud of yourself. all those moments of growth is where life is richest and you are learning. theres a lot of unknown and possibility in there, that you've created for yourself and i'm really excited for you :) great work, friend
@@Caroline_Winkler Thank you very much for your valuable feedback. :)
stand up comedy It's very special to go there alone. However, last Saturday I was in a play called RAGE. It was wonderful to be there alone.
Also, I thought I was trying something completely out of my comfort zone and I went for a pole dance taster session. Even though I can't attend a beginner's course there right now, I can definitely imagine that you definitely learn to accept your body there. (Strange. A very unexpected finding).
This video resonated with me on a deep level. The account of the negative effects of perfectionism and their practical tips for overcoming it are incredibly insightful. I appreciate the emphasis on embracing failure as a natural part of life and the importance of finding the balance between where to put in more effort and where to cut corners.
i'm so happy to hear this. I really identify with compulsive perfectionism is CERTAIN areas of life, and these are some of the aha moments that have relieved a lot of pressure for me recently. I'm so glad this felt helpful to someone else out there, and thank you for sharing this with me :)
@@Caroline_Winkler I made a video recently on why i hate being a perfectionist so when I saw this my eyes lit up 😌
@@itsblakematthew ah! i will check it out!
I recommend the book "the paradox of choice" by barry schwartz. There are sections of being a perfectionist vs. going for good enough and being happy.
oh ive heard so much about this, amazing recommendation thank you! i will check it out
Is that where the idea that ‘with too many options we have a higher tendency to blame ourselves for errors, but with fewer options we don’t’ came from?
@@lunar686 that’s one of the main ideas from the book. In the book perfectionists are ‘maximisers' that is people who want to ensure they get the most out of the choices they make. The problem is too many choices for the perfectionist often results difficulties making a choice and when a choice is made it sometimes leads to regret or disappointment
@@dennyc9159 Thank you. I thought his name was familiar. I was watching a TEDTalk I believe recently that extended upon that idea, to explain why choice paralysis is so common in the modern world with greater number of options, using the analogy of buying jeans lol. Back in the day when you only had three relatively similar pairs to choose between, most people were very satisfied with their choices, even if the options weren’t that great as it was all that was available and you could blame logistics or the manufacturer if the choice sucked. Now that we have websites with hundreds of very similar pairs of jeans to choose between, if we purchase a bad pair, we then go on to blame ourselves for not selecting correctly....I’m guessing people that are considered maximises probably see more of these options and opportunities in their daily life
@@Caroline_Winkler it’s a great book. I read it super fast I loved it so much
This video is brilliant! Thanks Caroline
I was just talking with my partner about how this second part you've addressed. Historically, when I felt like I do a great job in one area - (kicking ass at work for example), I haven't let myself celebate a job well-done... Instead, I would beat myself up for letting things slide in other areas (house projects other to-do list things). BUT WE ARE JUST ONE PERSON... ONE! We can't get 100%, A++ at everything but we should be SO STOKED for ourselves when we do well in one area and let it motivate us rather than just use it as a weapon about WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU ALSO DO XYZ?!?! So I finally just decided to say to myself the other day, "Bish, SELF, shuddup... you are great, you work so hard, and you are a baddass." And I am going to keep working to shift my mindset that way.
Elaborating on "do the easiest task first". When I have optional work (e.g. housework) with no accountability, it's really hard for me to decide to care, again. It helps me to think about my tasks in terms of "activation energy" or "how much energy do I have to expend to start the task". So for me, easiest might not be the shortest task, it might be the one I'm most excited about, most confident about, or the one that I care about slightly more than the others. Either way, very helpful to give yourself the freedom not to do the "most important" task up top. Sometimes you eat the frog; other times you are grateful that you did at least one your to do list.
Activation energy! What a good phrase. I think about it in terms of the doorstep...how high do i have to step to get on the road and get going?
This is so important! Back in 2011, I'd decided at age 27 to go to university. I worked my arse off continuing to work part-time, whilst allowing my perfectionism to drive me into the ground, obsessed with getting the best marks possible and maintaining a perfect GPA. Did I achieve my goals? Yup, I won the award that I had been aiming for, and raked in the high distinctions. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. I became sick, very sick with ME/CFS, I had to quit uni in May 2012, and I have been housebound and/or bedbound with chronic illness since. I've lost nearly everything in my life as a consequence, a long-term relationship, friendships, my home, my cats, my car, and most importantly my independence. Now, I'm 39, and back living at home with my mother, who is now my carer. I have no real hope for the future of an independent healthy life, a career, a partner.
Trying to have it all can mean you lose everything.
Caroline, thank you. I struggle with this so much with my channel (I have an interior design channel too) I’m still new to this and I procrastinate so much on filming because my anxiety tells me that I need to make a BANGER video EVERY WEEK so I can “blow up”. I started making videos because it’s it brings me joy. This was a good reminder of that.
wow relate to that so hard. every video has to be *the big one*. it's a quick route to burnout and turning a passion pursuit into a source of anxiety. I've learned to throw in videos that are just fun to film, easy to edit, and still fun for everyone else. then i have more time and energy to put towards the special videos. good luck friend :)
@@Caroline_Winkler thank you Caroline 🥹❤️
@@michellemontana I recommend reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Big Magic! In one chapter she writes about the paralyzing state of "having done something GREAT, now everything has to be at least that GREAT" and to overcome this you really just have to create and then create more, even if it's "bad". Take off the pressure of making something GREAT every single time, because it's just unrealistic, and instead focus on having fun, maybe experimenting with new stuff, and just put your stuff out into the world fearlessly, even if it's not the GREATEST, without putting so much pressure on it. And then create more. ❤
@@randomroka that sounds really amazing thank you for the rec!!!! ❤️
I self published 3 books and was constantly worried they wouldn’t be perfect. I ended up just having fun with them and doing them for myself but learnt a lot about my struggle with perfectionism as I edited them myself.
Awesome! I let go of perfectionism the day my kids came home from school and said their new curriculum was called learning journeys. Didn’t help that I had a husband that demanded perfectionism his way. Now I’m finding out what works for me and trying different things. I learnt to machine quilt by breaking up each aspect into 5 min sessions and it took away the stress and I learnt so much faster. I teach it using that technique and students also get it faster and are less stressed and I smile!
I learnt that I had to be perfect as a kid when my sis would lie to get me in trouble with my Mum and I was forced to make up wth her. I tried so hard to be perfect so I there would be no appearance of me doing anything wrong. That trauma bonding ruined me and set me up to marry the wrong guy because I wasn’t worthy of the right one.
I think being a circus artist has helped me with this a lot, because there’s mistakes that result in grave consequences, and then there’s everything else. It’s an instant priority check for the “things I thought would matter but didn’t” part of my brain. I’m not trying to be flippant about it- just noticing that I used to struggle with this alot more than I do now, and I think being able to get offstage and say to myself “everyone survived and all the rest is icing on the cake” is a big part of why. It all matters and it’s all good info for growth, and of course fucking up still sucks when it happens, but there are a relatively small number of things that it truly, actually matters to get exactly right (and even those have a tolerance window when you get right down to it, just a smaller one. But that’s a conversation for a different time.)
So true. Stay safe! 🙏🎪
Circus artist? Really? That is so cool. And yeah, grave consequences seems to understate it.
Agree, though, that getting just a few things right makes for a good day and a good life.
I was a pro dancer in New York and someone in a company I was in was teaching circus- the rest is history lol. But nowadays there are tons of studios! You probably have a studio near you, and I would say finding that studio and getting in some classes is the best way to start! If you’re in the US and comfortable sharing what city you’re in I might have a recommendation :)
Ouch, this is me. I’m 63 and have been managing it for years. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
it's a constant thing i'm working on, so much left to learn. these little tips have brought a little relief to me and some of my loved ones. i hope they will for you too!
I’ve been in a group called Alanon for many years. It’s for families and friends of addicts basically….
The wonderful things Caroline is saying about controlling situations and needing to be perfect are spot on! Thanks for the enlightening words that echo what I’ve learned in Alanon!💜
i really appreciate hearing this. i've never participated in Alanon personally, but I've read a LOT about it in my reading about codependency (since the term was first coined to describe dynamics between alcoholics and those close to them). The dynamics really carry over, I struggle with many of the enabling/control issues. I am really glad to hear that the group has been helpful to you!
One of the things I do when I am overwhelmed is to make a to do list of my to do list. My main ‘to do list’ is inside my planner. But when push comes to shove and I just have time to work on a couple of things, I write those 2-3 things in a post it and just close my planner. I just have to do the next thing, not the next 10 things. Thank you for the video!
I do this all the time! I have a running to do list of more "long term" items but found that overwhelmed me. On my daily planner I write just a handful of things I can actually finish and need to accomplish that day or very soon. Then I have post it's that are short/long term items. This way I can remember what I need to do but do the here and now from day to day.
I do that too, the longer term catch- all list is separate from the day's list. And then I pick from the day's list ONE thing that is the focus of the day. Like, if I could only do one thing, which would make the most difference? It really helps clarify everything
Very helpful. And although I hate failing, I'd much rather be the friend who makes a mistake and then says "That's not how I should have done things" than to be the perfectionist who says "I did nothing wrong" (because failure is too hard to accept). If I do the latter, there's no room to fix anything.
Switching to another of your tips, I had a very hard time starting writing assignments in college and I've never heard it explained the way you said it. As a writer now, I do just jump in and take some kind of action, and it does work! Now I'll think "Oh, I'm just anxious because this is important. I can start it anyway." :)
wow so well said, yes. and the truth is - we have no choice but to be the friend who makes a mistake - because all people do. everyone of us is the friend who will sometimes make a mistake. but are you the friend who can own up and learn quickly, or the friend who lives in fear bracing for the universally inevitable
"I'm just anxious because it's important" YES THANK YOU! What a simple, lovely way to articulate that. ❤
@Caroline Winkler thanks, and yep, the learning part is sometimes so scary, but definitely inevitable.
Here's a quote from author Peter Gethers that hit home for me. "Janis is the type who doesn't like to learn: she likes to be perfect. Since learning, or at least the PROCESS of learning, is antithetical to short-term perfection, she tended to get rather cranky..." "She had the same problem learning French. She didn't want to speak the language until she actually KNEW the language." (She learns French anyway, mistakes and all...that's from "A Cat Abroad").
I often murmur to myself that “Perfection is the enemy of the good.” Basically the shortcut for what am I willing to get a B on in order to focus on the thing I wish to get an A on. Loved this video. Also been listening to the podcast. I’m your mom’s age- or older. The one on the rabbit had me blushing and cackling. You go girl! 😂😊🐇
Came here in the hope someone had commented this!
I have found that 1) yes, perfectionism seems like a badge of honor right now and 2) humility is a good corrective lens for perfectionism. Perfectionism requires a level of thinking we can control
things and people, that it “has to be us”
to do it otherwise it cant possibly be done right, and that we need to meddle and fix everything around us to be perfect. It lacks humility and also takes away from empowering those around us.
Its a hard lesson to learn. I was forced to learn through having a sudden pain condition come into my life and I was forced to lower expectations I had on so many things. And somehow, the world kept turning, people reached out to me for help when they *needed it* (I didnt have to meddle or fix everything myself), and I freed myself of having to think the world can be controlled, that everything had to be perfect, and I had to be the one to do it. If Im being honest, not a whole lot changed with me switching perspectives and actions and that was a very humbling thing to realize.
I like to write things on my to-do list that I've already completed. My family thinks it's dumb, but it really helps me to see half the list marked off.
I really relate to this "moral perfectionism" that you mentioned, it's exhausting. Even if I don't become perfect (as I might expect myself to be after watching this video), hearing that I can relate to somebody else in that way is healing.
For years I thought procrastination and perfectionnism were incompatible because I always pictured perfectionnists as people who really did all they could to achieve their goal, no matter what it was. So I thought I was lazy because I always procrastinated instead of doing what I had to do. But thanks to you I realised that it was not laziness but the fear of not achieving the task as perfectly as I wanted it to be
Commenting at 7 : 04 ... It's not really about whether or not it matters. Because that suggests that the outcome is the important thing. What "matters" is making your (self-loving, well-intentioned) choices, and then TRUSTING those choices NO MATTER the outcome it brings. Funnily enough, sometimes when the "dinner party goes badly," it turns out to be a good thing, or there was some good thing that came from it. Or later you discover your choice that ended a relationship was the best thing that could have happened (you met someone better, etc). And even if you don't consciously see some "good" coming from a choice you might deem bad, that doesn't mean there wasn't (or won't be) one. It's really just learning to trust one's choices regardless of outcome.
This video really speaks to what a lot of artist's go through at some point in their lives if they lose their sense of... courage, really.
I don't care how many macho guys make fun of artists and call them pussies or pansies or whatever- it takes fucking BALLS to take an idea that hatched from a deeply personal part of your inner self, try something new with it, that also has a very high probability of being a failure, challenging yourself to create it, then putting it out there and sharing it for all the world to see, likely flopping, and embarrassing yourself, or worse, since it is such a deeply personal expression of your self, risking your sense of self-esteem, your worth as a person. All this, while you reject partaking in a ”normal” job with consistent income so that you can have the time to create- denying yourself security and comfort, and sometimes even forgoing basic needs in order to be able to do this.
Artists are absolutely motherfucking BRAVE!!
Sorry I went off topic. Basically I started out meaning to say that seeking perfection is actually counterintuitive to being creative/productive/learning/growing and ironically- improving
I really like your idea about keeping a running list of things that you thought would matter, but don't. It's a way to continually recognize when all the anxiety and worrying isn't actually warranted. I'm going to start doing that too
On the flip side though, I'm going to also start a list of things that i didn't think mattered, or wouldn't matter, but actually do! :)
If the first list is to eventually lessen unnecessary anxiety, the second list is to identify my actual priorities and start to understand where my thoughts and attention would be actually useful and impactful. ❤
I just stopped what I was doing (cleaning my house haha), because I really felt the need to write this comment. I found your channel by chance (don't even remember what I was browsing), and stayed due to your openness, sincerity and deep thoughts on really important topics. I struggle with anorexia, perfectionism, depression and anxiety and my life is often hell. Your videos on mental health and related topics and how you treat them have been really helpful to me, and had me understand that I'm not alone and that a lot of people feel the same. I also enjoy your interior design videos. Just wanted to come here for a sec and say thank you for your work :)
I appreciate your honesty and transparency. You share what so many of us now or have in the past have struggled with. I sense you are sharing so urgently because you are in an urgent place in your life. Take time off. Slow down. Get help. No shame in that. All your fans will hang with you for the rest of the journey❤️❤️❤️
appreciate you for this
Best advice I ever heard is “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”. I really struggle with task initiation and while it doesn’t completely solve the issue, remembering that always makes me feel lighter lol
You are a characteristic example of the RUclipsr of 2010's aka casey neistat vlog vibes that I think we all have missed a lot in this day and age of tik tok, please keep doing what you do as long as it makes you happy, lots of love from Athens, Greece
I was frozen by perfectionism for a lot of my life. In recent years, when i hear someone say in conversation, "Im such a perfectionist," I pause and take a good look at that person. And you know what? None of them are particularly successful in any part of life. Perfect is the enemy of good. And it is the enemy of finished. It is the enemy of contentment, relaxation and sitting on the deck sipping wine, looking at the stars, with someone you love. Perfect is the enemy of peace.
Caroline, I have to tell you - you have changed my freaken life in the past 3 weeks. One of your videos popped up on my RUclips (the confidence one?), I watched it, and fell in love with your energy. You are incredible. You have SO much valuable insight and wisdom, and your sense of humor is one of one. I also listen to the pod and get a lot out of you & Jess’s talks. I love learning from you. Keep it up, babe. You da freaken BOMB 💣
The list of stuff that I thought would matter but didn't sounds like a great idea. My therapist always told me to appreciate the actual reality of situations that were scary to me, after they were over - which is exactly what your list does. I will give it a try.
And I noticed that your latest videos don't have background music anymore, which I actually appreciate. Totally changes the mood of the videos and makes them even more relaxing to watch. Although I always loved your music choices. I really think you're a great editor with great scripts. 💜
P.S.: I wish I could have one of those robots, too, but I have two cats and I'm afraid it won't be able to tackle all the hair. Cleaning is my nemesis. It's the perfect example of my stupid perfectionism/anxiety: Why start to clean at all if I can't do it 100% right? Maybe the trick with the timer will help me get started. 😑
I loved this video! I’ve found that procrastination is a coping mechanism for perfectionism as well - the script goes something like “it’s not perfect because I rushed to meet the deadline” it’s like a hedge from being vulnerable and pouring your time and effort into something only for it to be not perfect- like just okay.
Thank you for this video. I've been trying to break the habit of being a perfectionist as well. For example I don't re-park my car 15 times until it is PERFECTLY aligned. I just take a deep breath and let it go and move on with my day. It feels good to be able to do that because then I re-gain so much of my time and energy.
This is an excellent video. The word perfection sounds positive but striving for it can be negative and it’s also subjective. I’m in my 60’s and was married to a narcissist where your idea of perfect is never good enough. I try to be aware of not worrying about perfection and you’re so right about it being anxiety rooted
Perfectionism and narcissism combined sounds like fun! Gosh hope you’re doing well now and can enjoy your days without negativity and anxiety 🌸
completely agree, and im so glad you enjoyed the video ❤
Reading "The Untethered Soul" has helped me with this. Whenever I make a mistake, I also remind myself that I'm human and that mistakes happen. I also acknowledge that mistakes are just opportunities for improving processes going forward and finding awareness for areas of improvement that weren't noticed before.
Holy crap. You could not have hit the nail on the head harder. This struck me so hard. So hard. I struggle with this and I'm not even sure I knew that I did until watching your video. So many things made me stop and say wtf, this is incredible. Love your designs, I'm here for it.
Thank you for this! Your channel came into my life at the end of my longest relationship, and all your content has been such a help with that and so many other things. My healing with this started with a lot of self-doubts and unjustified blaming, but I’m learning to see the relationship for what it was and how much I really tried to make things work. In general, I’m working on becoming more secure with who I am to others, as this is a huge point of perfectionism for me.
I love these video essays so much!! absolutely invaluable wisdom
Multiple videos have been released where the message is sooo freaking critical to the exact moment in my life that I am actively trying to work through.
It's incredible how timely, relevant and challenging (in the best way possible) your messages are for persobal growth. This isn't a "hack" like so many other youtubers, this is really impactful, well thought out and deeply personal. Thank you!
Kid, the level of passion and intensity that you bring to the table in your videos and on the podcast for all of these huge and medium and tiny aspects of your life is really noteworthy. I resonate with your intensity and sensitivity so much. The attention to detail, the nitpicking, you obviously explain the dangers of in this video. But I really can’t help but rejoice in some of the aspects of your perfectionism, even as a recovering perfectionist myself. Thank you so much for this one
I'm a recovering perfectionist also.
A fantastic audio book I listened to recently "How to Keep House While Drowning" by KC Davis (which is like getting 4hrs of therapy for $15) isn't top level about perfectionism, it's about making your care tasks manageable when you have very high level challenges but she has an incredible philosophy on care tasks being morally neutral and making things functional rather than perfect. Although my struggles are no where near as severe as those she covers, her way of looking at things has been a huge tonic to me and how I feel about the things I do for myself and my home. I couldn't recommend it more highly! 💜
She also has a fantastic podcast called Struggle Care if anyone is interested in her work but not into audiobooks
I definitely needed to hear the advice in the "what they won't teach you school" section. It a such relief to hear that we don't have to get A+s in everything 100% of the time and that it's okay to cut corners on the things that you decide matter less. Thanks for the tips, Caroline!
Great topic that is helpful to TONS of us w/great tips that are helpful & do-able ! I am going to keep my eyes open for when the ‘perfection’ bug bites me again (which is often) and then i am going to apply some of your helps & tips. Love you, Caroline. Love your videos. Enjoy them all & look forward to them so much and i LOVE your sense of humor! 😘❤️
my favorite to do list hack: start off every list with ‘make a to do list.’ then as soon as you get your thoughts out onto the page you get the immediate dopamine hit of checking something off
I wish it was the same for me... I make lists upon lists, feel overwhelmed and end up doing nothing :( I am working on onlh focusing on the urgent now liat, that kinda works but I end up wasting any time thats beyond that list. Endless strufgle that hopefully I can overcome.
Always a good reminder for all of us...There will alway be some messy and some failure along the way but there always be learning and success. 🙌🏼
God I needed this pep talk! I try and keep so many things perfect to even a level of OCD. Thankyou for breaking this bad boy down and unpeeling me like an onion. I love how deep you go and how real you also keep it. I have a UK version of that robomop. I've named her Vicky and she always puts a good shift in x
This! You captured it perfectly (haha). Seriously though, spot on description of perfectionist patterns and behaviours, I feel v seen. Love the "Things you thought would matter but didn't" list, exactly I need so I can keep track of my brain's sneaky ways, hold it accountable and try to learn a wee bit from the whole thing. Also TIL that robo mops exist. Chef's kiss.
I love the angle of the video, and find it pretty true to life for many of us.
This reminds me of the book Essentialism that I finished a few weeks ago. Whatever one's brand of "self help" is, it's kind of all the same thing: recognizing what is essential and sticking to that. Your insights reminded me of that, because at the end of the day, what matters the most is our mental health and peace. Much love to you as always!
Hey Caroline, I have been watching you for a while and it really helps seeing how you experience life in a very similar way I do. Just stopped the video to admit that I shed some tears after the "Things I thought would matter...but didn't" section; I think it was a mixture of feeling understood with your spiralling description and a wave of gratitude for this tip.
I have to suggest a plan to a friend for next week and today I was already thinking how hard will be because I have to come up with something that they enjoy or doesn't go wrong. That has to be the first item in my list then! Thanks for your help and good luck with this constant fight against being too scared of failure ;)
Wow! So relatable, I was laughing at myself and chuckling that the same things go through someone else’s brain.
As a new empty nester I have found myself extra paralyzed with too many thoughts and not enough action. Thank you.
Wow. Well, I'm super offended that I didn't have all of this amazing information when I was in school & in the first 25 yrs of my career.😂 Geez Caroline, how dare you be born after me! I had to learn it the hard way & I still couldn't have verbalized it as perfectly.
Ok, but in all seriousness, this is some of the best life advice a perfectionist or really anyone can get. Like she said, we're all perfectionists in one area of our life or another. I also super appreciate that you give very practical & actionable things you can do when you're spinning, procrastinating, and/or paralyzed.
Storytime: We've already established that I'm old, now it's a cliché, but interviews for my "strengths & weaknesses" I'd say "I'm a perfectionist & it's definitely a strength for you [the company I was interviewing with], but it's a weakness for me [for all the reasons outlined in this video]". Needless to say, I got the job.
🙋🏻♀️ Recovering perfectionist here! Great conversation to contribute to, Caroline - thank you for doing so. The convo is much needed, and I resemble many of the things you mentioned. I love the idea that perfectionism is actually the lowest bar we can set for ourselves because it’s impossible to achieve - and you’re so right, it’s truly a signal of fear of failure. Awareness and grace with ourselves and others is the way!
Secondary comment: would love to know where your cute top is from! XO!
i am literally LOL ing at ' The way u do anything Is the way u do EVERYTHING' i am experiencing a depressive episode at the moment and i have to let some stuff go a little so everything doesn't fall. i love this video and ur whole vibe. I love the phrase 'humanity' that you used. YES 🙌 let us be human society
I think you just made the most perfect video about how crippling perfectionism can be. Your words are therapy to me.
You’re so relatable and you give great advice. I really love your videos.
Oh how I needed this! And the person I'm thinking of sharing this with is my younger brother, who - like me, my sister, AND my mom- is finishing his undergrad degree late because he's a perfectionist.
I resonated with everything you said, but the best one that I hadn't thought of before was: "It's ok to just decide that this is something you're learning from." I know I need to stop expecting perfection from myself, but I realize how much I really am hard on myself for messing things up. I messed a lot of things up at work this week and cried a lot the last few days, so I'm really grateful to hear these words!
i love what you said about procrastination and things becoming a bigger monster. And do the physical steps. Good way of pitting it and I needed this
This video was so helpful - the whole idea of “the thinking has become more painful than the doing” hit hard. I found your channel just the other day and I’ve watched a few of your videos - the topics are so relevant and the info is so useful. But at the same time they’re just fun to watch and make me laugh! You seem like such a humble and beautiful person. Thank you for putting these videos out there❤️
How do you always know exactly what I'm going through and make the perfect video?!! So amazing and so true.
I don’t know how you are doing it, but i feel like you always post those kinds of videos when I need to watch them the most and I don’t even know that I do! I loved it!
I am do grateful for this❣️ Thank you so much! This is soooo me and I really needed what you shared🙏💞
Preach sister ❤❤❤ This hit home!
Caroline thank you for distilling something that I felt I knew for a long time but couldn't come to terms with or put into clear words: perfectionism is a form of anxiety and a cover-up for an intense fear of failure. That perspective really stuck. I've been thinking a lot about fear lately and about not letting my fear hold me back, and I'm trying to move away from being a perfectionist for this same reason. Loved your "Things I thought would matter but actually don't list", it's so good to see it in text and realizing how silly we can be! Love your videos and this one is a(nother) gem.
Omg every weekend there’s been a new video!!! So excited thank you!!
“Do the physical steps” is genius in its simplicity. TY Caroline!!
I add tasks to my list that I already completed. Any productivity that I've had so far needs to be rewarded with a line through it!
This was really helpful. I'm going to go make a list right now!
God I've struggled with this my whole life, I'm so glad you made this video, this topic resonates with me so deeply! I've been working on it for years but this vid helped me a lot with some new advice, thanks so much Caroline! ❤
Another awesome video from you!! I love that you remind us how normal it is to experience these things that can feel so paralyzing. Perfectionism messes with me a lot. I caught myself contemplating the wording of this comment quite a bit before I clicked submit, because, of course, I wanted to say the perfect thing that captured all of my feelings haha. It's SO ANNOYING. I know that I will get somewhere I'm just comfortable with the phrase "good enough" for most things. Thanks for this great video and reminder!
totally! i think the paralysis aspect ends up just piling on more shame to anyone who clings to the identity of perfectionism. "well if i have such high standards, why am i putting this off so hard and getting NOTHING DONE?" -- but it's not irony, one actually directly informs the other
i find myself wanting to take notes during your videos because i feel like i always learn so much!!! thank you for being you, always. 💜
thank you so much for this video Caroline! You're definitely hitting a nail - I'm really struggeling at work atm trying to be as perfect as possible and realizing that I'm putting all the pressure on by myself.. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIPPS definitely trying to keep them in mind now!
Thank you Caroline for helping me reframe a situation that was weighing on me today. I watched your video at just the right moment!
Look at you sharing your wisdom and stuff! Love it. ❤️
I loved how you interpreted that quote, and I now totally agree! Same with some parts of life getting a C+ while others get As. I'm in my first pregnancy right now, and have had to let some of the aspects of my life drop dramatically, and it's been a struggle to accept that. Things that defined me before, like fitness and being highly organised, are just too hard for me right now, and I need to remind myself daily that I'm going to fail at parts of my life for a while. Thanks for all of your wonderful content
THANK YOU. I was looking for all the reasons why I was procrastinating, and turned out I just needed to recreate momentum and stop focusing 15000 steps ahead, but on the next 2 or 3.
The 5min timer and to do (with comments like: you’re a badass girl keep going) help so muuuuch!! Crazy how same advice shared in a different way can have so much impact 🙌
This, for me, is the most relatable video you have ever made. I resonate with every single point you've made. Caroline, I'm sure many have said this to you before but I would like to say it too! You are truly a gem.
This was SO RELEVANT. Thank you so much for this valuable video. I’m sure I will come back to it many times (like your video on loneliness). I’ve always known I’ve had an issue with perfectionist when it comes to work and also finding the perfect career, but now I see that I am a perfectionist when it comes to people and relationships too. That if I can’t have a great/perfect relationship with only good feelings, it’s not one worth having. That if they don’t think of me in the perfect light, I have failed and it’s not worth it to even try meeting new people. I actually also recently started writing “before” and “after” journals about how I feel before/after meet up events, and it truly does help the anxiety, and like you mentioned, I am totally not in control as I imagine and things always turn out different from how I imagined (worried) them to be. And I’m almost always glad I went! Again, thank you Caroline for your wisdom and insight ❤
Thank you for being so REAL. Not only unpacking the issue (because you have experienced it) and looking at how it relates to real life but giving practical things to address it. Awesome.
Your videos are the best : you are so coordinated, and what you have to say is so relevant and well put 🌼
I watch your videos all the time. I love them. Your insights into life are awesome. This one is no exception. They are all perfection!
So so true. When I figured out that my procrastination wasn’t laziness, just fear of failure, it changed my life. I’ve worked on both my confidence in my abilities and relaxing my standers just enough to be able to motivate myself to get started. Made all the difference in the world.