Borderline Personality Disorder in 15 Minutes and 10 Questions
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- Опубликовано: 18 сен 2024
- Identity disturbance (unstable identity, fragile sense of self)
Emptiness, false self, fantasy defense.
External regulation
Impaired reality testing (e.g., paranoia, overestimation of intimacy like in HPD), psychotic microepisodes
Self-harm, suicidal ideation, self-destructive cognitions and actions: self-punitive, silence internal turmoil, call for help, feeling alive (dead inside)
Recklessness, impulsivity, secondary psychopathy
Emotional volatility, affective lability, emotional dysregulation (DBT): anger, reactive mood shifts and changes
Intense interpersonal relationships involve idealization-devaluation (relational disorder)
Twin anxieties: abandonment/rejection-engulfment/intimacy, approach-avoidance repetition compulsion
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1) unstable identity (wishes, values, etc change)
2) emptiness (void sense of self like narcissists & might be a response to narcissists)
3) uses external agents for regulation & validation
4) impaired reality & overestimate depth of relationships (projects like narcissists)
5) prone to self harm by using substances & suicide (main cause of death for diagnosed individuals) due to lack of self love or to distract from internal chaos
6) reckless (but unlike narcissists will have guilt) & emotionally dysregulated (lots of anger & rage)
Like narcs will do idealization & discard with separation & intimacy issues (don't leave but if you are present is suffocating).
Difference vs narcs: can be diagnosed at 12 years & can be treated, while narcs at age 18 & not treatable
Easy to take offense & drama is present
Highly emotional, sexual, empathic
This man is offering a lot to humanity
I had a BPD girlfriend for a short period of time. I realized very soon something's not okay with her. But i suffered, cause i fell in love. I fell for the fantasy. After mirroring me, she involved me in my own fantasies. She was like my soulmate, she was beautiful, we had sex the first time we met and it was perfect, she wanted to move together, etc. It was escalating very fast and degrading very fast as well. It was like a long term relationship with it's ups an downs but in like 2 months. I thought, okay what is the trick here? Here's a beautiful woman with no children, no exhusband, no history of real long term relationships, who seems perfect, smart, funny, healthy, successful and friendly. I realized very early on that she was lying in a lot of little and not so little things, like her car, her job, her wealth, where she was at certain times, her hobbies, friends etc. First i thought okay, everyone lies to seem more perfect, but after a point the lies didn't stop and were totally unneccesary, at least in my view. And I felt like i had to tell what or who she is, in a subtle way. Other times she was out of my reach, i felt that the opposite is true. I didn't understand it, was so confused. When i fell apart of this, she sensed it, she sensed my weakness. When i didn't hug her she wanted me to, when i did she pushed me away, in like 10 minutes, she push-pulled me like 5 times. I knew she might have bpd, but on the other hand she was so convincing, that she is normal. A woman full of contradiction. With endless layers and facets. Maybe the problem is woth me, i thought. She had switches like she had several personalities. About 4-5 different personas. One is hypersexual, funny, nice, music loving, easygoing, flirty, very close, very open with everyone, polygamic, party girl. The second is very serious, spiritual, moral, empathic, monogamic, loves books, loves to be alone, intellectual, upper class. Third was a childish person that's scared of everything, fourth was a down to earth, successful, simple, working class woman who wanted a family, fifth was a total psychopath with no rules or moral codes and sixth many micro personalities. It was clearly like these compensatory personas, false selves had stuck with her as she was developing and growing up, meeting with different kinds of people. And were all distinct, very different from each other. There were constant things that connected these personalities together so it was way harder to realize them, than one might have thought. Even her face and voice changed from time to time, like it was her but not exactly. She was my mirror image in a way as well as of other people. She clearly had no personality although she thought she had. We had a horror night car chase in the end where she chased me for 5 minutes then i got away. Then she broke up and disappeared. No one knows what would have happened if i stopped. I had never felt real fear until then. And she is a small little girl. After all this stuff is quite scary if you ask me.
Honestly, I’d love to ride that roller coaster😂 ….. I’m profoundly sad and only want extremes like you’ve unfolded here in the comments 😢
@@divinegon4671 yeah its fun until the first engulfment anxiety and until you realize the lies. Then it becomes a torture, and you'll see, you as a real person don't matter to them, at all. You are idealized. One minute they love you, then they get avoidant, switch and split. And of course they end the relationship in a minute, no matter what they have said before. They get scared of too much closure, too much intimacy. Of course they tell and suggest quite the opposite at the beginning, so you fall into their trap. But as you get closer and closer you start to see what i'm talking about. Lies, anxiety and emptiness. A sick push-pull game begins, despite them having said how they love you, admire you, etc. If you don't know what you are dealing with and escape, you might get hurt.
Just got out of a situationship with one and it was almost the end of me. She projected her own behaviors to me and made me feel insane. 80 percent of the time things were great but 20 percent was pure hell. She damaged my faith in true relationships. It’s going to take a long time to heal from her abuse.
@@Razmataz84 yeah, it is like that. pure hell. I know she had like 2-3 other guys at the same time. I completely lost my self-esteem and got confused on a deep level for about 8-10 months. i also feel a lot of anger towards her, but i won't seek contact with her ever. It would be another manipulation cycle or a fight.
I had a similar experience. She chose me, everything was downright perfect. She wanted a family and children, just like me (mirroring). She said how great I am, boasted to all her friends how lucky she is. After 6 months she wanted us to move together but I was doing my master thesis and couldnt. She got mad why I didnt want to move in with her. I was so stressed I couldn‘t even have sex. She was in rage because of my audacity to reject sex with her (once!). I didn‘t get it at the that time, I thought I‘m neglecting her although I really didn‘t. I needed some support (like just meeting in the evening and ending the day together so I can relax - it was also covid so we couldnt do anything else) but she distanced herself. She verbally abused me, neglected me in every way possible, hid things from me (like falling in love with her therapist), kept me on arms length and just came back in time when she felt I am distancing myself from her. One girl best friend was enough for her to break up with me and go on a sex and alcohol rampage for a whole year until she ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning and had to go on antidepressants because of suicidal thoughts. And as a naive, grandiose idiot that I am, I thought I could fix this, help her, but she is lost and I refuse to drown with her. Just a couple of minutes ago I thought about a time I slept in bed next to her, after she accused me of some bullshit. I felt dead inside, I know now, that this was one of the moments, where I abandoned myself, my inner child. It took me 1,5 years with all my strength to go theough the emotions, go through the numbness, going to therapy, starting from scratch to feel alive again. But it‘s still agonizing when I think of the moments where she rubbed in my face what she did after the break up because she is „free“ now. If it‘s too good to be true, watch the fuck out.
I always say: it‘s like a frog in slowly heating water. They rise the temperature slowly so you don‘t notice. You adapt to it and it rises again until you are cooked and emotionally dead.
My childhood seemed blissful, it was amazing and I always had everything… but there was something dark to it. I don’t remember that. I remember blurred, unrealistic flashbacks and strong, frightening emotions of those dark moments. As if there was bliss and hell at the same time. I remember screams and crying. I remember the void black emptiness I felt after every quarrel with my mom, even tho I don’t even remember what we were quarreling about. I remember there were two moms, I remember myself saying that. One was highly blissful, loving and caring. The other one was vengeful, hateful and ready to hurt anyone in order to get what she needed. I remember her strong, killing anger she would present to me, but I don’t remember any details of it. Just that it was something bad… I felt lonely, so desperately lonely. I developed mistrust. I felt so empty… as if there was a hole inside me… I began to run, to escape that horrible emptiness, to escape that horrible place called myself. I kept running, running and running. I ran into drugs, I ran into unhealthy relationships, trying so desperately to make them become something different that what I experienced. Being hopeful for that… but it never happened. The emptiness was pursuing me as if it was always there, sometimes I wouldn’t see it. Sometimes I forgot about it, but it was always there… I am now trying to face it… but it’s so desperately agonizing, harming and scary… I keep feeling as if even tho I have lived and learnt so much throughout so many years, I were still this hurt, unaware child…
You’re the absolute BEST Sam!!! I was in special Ed nearly my entire academic career from 2nd to 12th grade. On the autism spectrum with many of the comorbidities that come with it. Even more tragic having been raised by two malignant covert narcissistic parents as I did not receive any interventions and was simply a burden to them both. The shame and self loathing I developed led to an early onset of clinical mental illness by age 9 but again, with no intervention or treatment. You have helped me to understand and make sense of my entire life, my sick and evil parents and how I became the way I did. I haven’t gotten a formal diagnosis of BPD but I highly suspect I am. Thank you for making all this complex information understandable for the lay person like myself. ♥️💕
Brilliant video Sam! Waiting for the similar one about narcissism. Thank you ❤
This is everything I feel. Omg I'm glad you condensed it so I can share it with others! Thank you
I was recently diagnosed, finally, with BPD. I've since learned that I've likely had it for several years (it manifested in teens, my highschool years were the worst of my life)
I can honestly thank your videos for helping me towards an official diagnosis, as I had studied PDs for a long long little bit now (I like psychology) and at first was in denial of having BPD- such big denial I had an episode for like 3-5 days lol! And yours and other psychiatrist's videos have greatly helped me to come to terms with and understand I'm not a monster - just severely traumatized and hurt from a lifetime of trauma and that many people just like me are just as deserving of love and help! PLEASE keep doing what you do!!
I have worked on my borderline tendencies for years and I have to say I'm so much better. The anger is a hard one to battle. I feel I have a very quick rush to judgement about people. But after a lot of work, I spot my own behavior and can correct it. I know this is not very popular as a resolution, but prayer and returning to faith helped me immensely. Studying the stoics, also. Self-reflection (honest) is key. I decided 20 years ago not to have any more romantic relationships and that works for me. I am very comfortable being alone.
When you feel this anger inside, do you tend to go silent on people close in your life? Like your partner?
@@ponzistudio I wouldn't go silent on a partner that I can recall. I would do that to friends who offend me one too many times. I do have life-long friends who are very close and a lot of friends in general, however. I do weed out the people who are too dysfunctional and have a negative effect on me.
Thank you for this video! It was a great reminder that there is redemption for the borderline, and not the narcissist. My older sister is borderline, and my younger sister is a narcissist. And together they are quite the challenge for me to keep my sanity! But you help me by letting me know that my older sister, definitely does the old love and empathy, even though my younger sister controls her. It’s been a crazy ride! But I appreciate your educating me.
Lets delve rrrright in. Look it up
There is someone in my life that has BPD. Thank you for helping me understand her behavior. It has helped me know how to deal with her in our relationship.
Yes, You are correct so proceed. Wait, 10 minutes? That's a tease Sam!
Sounds like the SCAPEGOATED child.
Somehow all the cluster B personality disorders are insanely similar. I've been diagnosed twice with Aspd with psychopathic traits, but they told me iam a psychopath, but I can relate to many of the points listed here. It's just more outwardly derived instead of inward. Is it just overlap, or can you have both? I know that I just don't have certain feelings and I can live with that... I have to. I don't suppress them, sometimes there's just nothing there. And yet I still feel insecure about it, even though people always say that psychopaths are so hardened. But that's not how I feel.
The superiority complex is there, but I suppress it most of the time because I know it doesn't go down well. Then many people say that psychopaths have no fear, but I don't feel that way either. I am often highly sensitive to dangerous situations, which feels like fear to me. In your video about the myth of the anxiety-free psychopath, you also explain that an anxiety disorder is always present. But many other not "selfstyled" experts say that there is absolutly no fear. I can relate more to your statement, but its still confusing. Ask one question, get three diffrent answers.
Maybe I was just misdiagnosed and have some other bs, or maybe i am too unaware of my insight. Well, at the end of the day I know I have to be careful how I treat people and try to stick to Kant and ask myself, am I doing it for my own end?
If you bothered to read it, you'll get a new word from me based on your statement that you like German words: lebensmüde
I think the reason the so called "experts" say that psychopaths are fearless has to do with fear mongering and persecution. They capitalize on peoples fear of them by elevating their features, essentially making them into boogey-men. And it sells, people click on the videos to be shocked and scared.
Survival is engraved into all of us, and to what extent we feel that "emotion" is very individual.
I wonder about this too. I am sorry to go with a very hard example, in no way do I want to compare people with a specific disorder to others. But even Ted Bundy, tied to his deathbed, was terribly afraid of death, according to witnesses. Maybe some emotions are more suppressed than others. Sometimes I imagine that it's a bit like everyone is on some scale of emotions and not everyone experiences them in the same high or low way. I wish you a lot of peace, because sometimes looking deeper into psychological things and for deeper diagnoses only leads to depression, instead of simply accepting yourself and looking for peace and happiness in life :)
@@Sound-Eater thank you, these are some true words, nobody is able to provide the answer i am looking for, except myself. So seeking for knowledge is good, but obsessing about details will lead to nowhere. You are right in the end, the focus has to be in the present and my purpose. Its kind of crazy when you always act against your inner demons and impulses, of course you want to find the reason for it, but there just isn't. Some things might just be, how they are, without any useful reason.
Being in a relationship with a ADHD diagnosed person was one of the biggest traumas of my life. 2 years of PTSD followed. I didn't know anything about personality disorders back then. I later realized she was Borderline and possibly a Histrionic type. Thank you Prof. Vaknin.
Like your humor. Like a previous commenter, I look forward to a similar video for narcissism. Thank you.
What an impressive Speedrun by Professor Vaknin!
Thank you, Sam. I got teary in your last lines.
This is so useful. Thank you so much!
Massive thanks for this hugely helpful overview! It is as brilliant as it is brief! 💜💜💜💜
Hi Sam,
I have been married to a BPDW for almost 30 years and your videos have been most helpful to me. Thank you for your amazing work.
Q - Do you reckon these videos could be helpful to her??
She started therapy finally 2 years ago. Unsurprisingly, she resent me spending time learning about her disorder.
Thanks
Is she histrionic or borderline?
Damn, I want to lock one down. How do u keep her for that long?
My ex girlfriend resents this too. They want to be understood but they don't want you to find their void, their absence and run away.
I never had a normal close friend that was not either bpd or narcissistic, that's why I am alone. I find most people boring and with no character other than being an energy drain, immature or insufferable to some degree.
That’s you. Gross 304
Whew
Who's gonna tell her?
Very interesting! Insightful
Respected Sir! You are the best.
Great video Sam, I spent 12 yrs with a diagnosed borderline, you have explained my whole experience with her. It's over now. The only thing I cant relate to is the end of the video, I didn't experience high empathy or love from her. Only hypersexual or withholding, sex became a tool for her to control or hurt, also the sex eventually became a empty experience, just a act, no connection, plus yrs of abuse, gaslighting, manipulative behaviors. I think they are horrible partners.
LOL! Yes, there's a lot in the BPD nutshell! Thank you for your summary efforts, professor!
You have to continue escalating the confrontation. That's how to know how to be with her. So ask yourself, is going to jail for domestic violence worth it? I say no. Eventually, their despisement for accountability and responsible behavior will push them beyond the limit of containability and you will have to let them simply play the Judas against you as the relationship ends.
Guys let's try reverse psychology. If we ask for shorter videos, he will make them longer.
Sounds easier than the narcissist. A committed partner? Ok, let me try one of those out please"
NOT !
"K for Kidding"😉
If you're the chosen person they cling to you for life - and act out toward other people twice as much. Like with narcissists, if you (artificially) keep some enemy to divert them, you only get the "fun" drama, and if you're an inverted narcissist you get a lot of sadistic supply.
As a borderline woman, I’ve avoided any sexual interaction all my life as I was too terrified of men because of childhood sexual assault. Is that more common than what we are led to believe (borderlines are promiscuous) ?
Some borderlines are promiscuous. Regarding victims of childhood sexual abuse, search the sexuality playlists.
Prof. Vaknin's said that reaching the mid 40s of a person's life, bpd may automatically regress and heal. Now I'm wondering, if a woman with bpd has a child after this happens, she could be a good enough mother? ! I mean ... For what I've understood watching these videos, a mother with bpd is very difficult to be a mother that can allow his child to separete and individuate, (or generally to have no problems in the future with his mental health). I know a lady in his early 40s, she wants a child, and now his episodes of acting out are decreasing (less often and less intense). She has never wanted to go to a psychologist, and now may be there is a chance with a natural remission of the symptoms. It's a particular age anyways, cause if you choose to have a child, you risk that it's too late, if in the end you are no fertil anymore.
Please tell me in which lecture is it said about the cure at the age of 40 from PRL?
@@ЕленаЛейтан-й5т я лично не помню, где именно, но Сэм не раз говорил, что после 40ка пограничка может внезапно взять и пройти. И вообще это популярная точка зрения.
Но, как я это вижу, хорошего тут мало. Все то живое, что человек с ПРЛ сохранял(а) в себе - и что по большей части уже умирает у "нормальных" людей лет в 20-25, если не раньше, - уходит в случаях таких внезапных "исцелений". Что-то внутри нее/него ломается.
И, имнсхо, такому исходу может поспособствовать и рекомендуемая для ПРЛ КПТ/ДПТ. Я считаю, что люди с пограничкой должны идти первыми в списке тех, кому эти подходы противопоказаны. Предлагаю задуматься, почему такой большой процент погранични_ц бросает терапию (точно с ними всегда что-то не так, а не с ней?). Почему такой высокий процент самовыпила (проценты мы же имеем по тем, кто были в терапии в основном. рискну предположить, что и она может быть весомым фактором)...
Опять же, это "лишь" мое мнение (но для него более чем достаточно оснований): есть более адекватный подход, только, чтобы использовать его успешно (ну и понять его суть in the first place, ofc), придется отринуть кое-что, что все, кажется, принимают за аксиому.
Детально все в комменте просто нереально описать, а если как-то ужать попытаюсь, то почти наверняка сложится неверное представление.
Если интересно, можем связаться где-нибудь и обсудить.
P.S. Если что, не предлагаю никаких услуг. Просто меня по ряду причин (личных в том числе) волнует эта проблема.
P.P.S. У меня нет ПРЛ. И от других РЛ не страдаю (и не "наслаждаюсь" ими эго-синтонично).
@@Notvailableviathischannel thank you
@@ЕленаЛейтан-й5тthere isn't much to thank me for (yet?). Но если мой коммент вдруг помог взглянуть под другим углом (мб что-то внутри откликнулось) - уже хорошо. Можете оставить свои контакты, если хотите.
I know a few and in their 30s they become normal people and they never had any treatment. Of course, I am not saying they are all like that.
Everything you say Sir is just like my middle son who is borderline..
My spouse w/bpd just abandoned me. She ditched me downtown after saying, 'Ive decided to move out". When I got back to the house, all of her things were gone. The date was a diversion. She and her groupies are unresponsive, Ive been blocked on all channels. 10 yrs marriage, with therapy and counseling. She had a good life, but I guess she had better people to outsourcing coping her emotions for her.
Hi,
Minute 2:05 you mentioned borderline prefers reality to fantasy? Is that correct? What is the function of fantasy as a defense mechanism if borderline prefers reality over it?
OOPS! My bad! Should be: "she prefers fantasy to reality." Thank you for the heads up!
Thank you
@@samvaknin This is the comment that should have been pinned and has not been pinned.
im bpd and I have worked through many of my faults. I still carry some, but the ones that pervented me from being civil and hurting others over dumb shit has lessened but I do fantasize and day dream a lot...
Let me get this right. There is treatment for the BPD if they want it and accept it. What about the narcissism side. You have stated there is no cure for that?? When the narcissism is abusive & destructive. It is just too hard to live with.
Most borderlines are not narcissists.
@@samvaknin I'm not sure about that. When I've heard the BPD person can have narcissistic tendencies. And, an overlapping. Where it's confusing.
@@ledi-bideereflections4081 traits overlap between many disorders. The true borderline however is NOT a narvissist. And the true narcissist may decompensate into borderline behViors but is not bpd. Youre getting traits and full disorders confused.
@@marciestoddard730 I totally agree. In my late teens-early 20s I behaved exactly like a narcissist, and my internal thought process was a lot like one too. But my core desire was to be loved and accepted by others. Whereas a true narcissist wants to have power and control. By my late mid 20s I'd become a 'traditional borderline', and lost most of my narcissistic traits because they were so harmful to people. And now in my 30s I'm a 'high functioning borderline' who can almost think and act like a healthy person
I do think that narcissists can get better too. But since their core desire is less socially positive they have a lot less motivation
@@ledi-bideereflections4081she probably struggles with cognitive empathy. Struggles with cognitive empathy can look and feel like a lack of empathy. They feel empathy they just have trouble putting themselves in you shoes. Lack of cognitive empathy can affect their loved ones negatively. But awareness on the borderlines end and communication in a positive manner can help
Thank you
Sam, I have a request. Where does Jung fit in these days? I've heard you mention him but not much and I wonder if this is because he's not really held up to modern academe as it has evolved. Any chance you could do a video on where Jung does and does not fit in within the cluster B world? I've been quite persuaded by him on shadow integration, anima/animus and also Von Franz on Puer Aeturnus etc but also have this feel from my narc ex (big Jung fan 'personal myth etc', and my own narc tendencies that his ideas might be very appealing to the narcissistically oriented. As if Jungian self help is loaded with potential for a narcissistic apocalypse. Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts and appraisal of Jung and how it does, or does not, have relevance to the rest of your work.
Search the channel.
Ha…you got me. 🥺😭😌
Dr. Vaknin, would you please explain further what You said at 2:30, that borderline is merely a REACTION to narcissism.
Search the BPD playlist for failed narcissism.
@@samvakninI appreciate your answering my question, Professor.
P.S. Short duration of the video allowed me to watch it a couple of times and catch most of those meaningful words and expressions You use with such a precision. Thank you.
All of this describes me with 100% accuracy.
😌👍🏾 good stuff!
I adore him not only for his knowledge but his humour. I wonder if he looking for a wife?
I think he already has one.
"a commited partner if you know how to be with her and how to work with her" - do you suggest that it is possible to be in a relationship with a borderline despite of the "I hate you - don't leave me" (abandonment/rejection-engulfment/intimacy, approach-avoidance repetition compulsion)- dynamics? So please give me an instruction manual - thank you in advance
Search the BPD playlist.
6:06 In other videos you used to say that BPD has good object, unlike narccsists, who have bad object.
This is a summary of the orthodoxy, the consensus - not of my work or views.
[7:00] In addition cutting, do piercing and tattooing also qualitify as forms of self mutilation or self harm?
No.
doe antidepressants help stabilize a person with narcisits and borderline traits? ( and maybe others..)?
No.
They just numb them out. It probably truncates the extremes. The rest stays the same or slows down the unstoppable deterioration. It's like a lobotomy in pill form.
Spot on
Can the borderline fake it like the narcissist does at work and in public and waits until he gets home?
No.
@@samvakninuntil high funcation?
Nope. Borderlines are much more true to their feelings vs. Projecting an image to others.
@@marciestoddard730what if its someone with BPD and NPD or maybe some ASPD traits? I always thought I had BPD symptoms, but I can keep it cool if I have to, until I get home.
@@OoLiiMiiT3Dif you have Antisocial traits but not the disorder you might struggle with cognitive empathy or even have Alexithymia
Any chance you would make a reading list for high level stuff: what to choose from Kohut, Winicot, Bion, Klein, Kernberg etc.? Not for just BPD or personal growth but for professionals.
See the literature section in the descriptions of the videos.
Prof, could you estimate how a relationship between a bpd woman and a (most probably) codependent man will evolve? According to science i assume it's something beneficial for the bpd person?
The pathologies match well. Will make a video.
do severe avoidents also have some traits of bordeline.? been dating a girl and she has some traits of both.
No. But the PDs can be comorbid.
Different expressions of the same disorder.
Is it possible to to re-attract a borderline woman once she discards you or is she gone forever?
Don't. It's a form of self-harm, buddy.
@@JediMindtrick91 was just curious. I will never go near her again.
@@Asmodeus2295i know it‘s tempting but don‘t even think about it. I have to admit this from my own experience.
@@JediMindtrick91 yep it will only be worse than before. She cannot hide her true feelings and emotions anymore. I actually see how much of a bitch she actually is after she vilified me on social media even though I was respectful to her after she chose to break up with me.
In my experience it always happens on accident lol
Is promiscuity or unprotected sex a self harm or self destruction by BPD
Yes.
Is overeating and making yourself sick afterwards a form of self harm?
No. Bulimia has a different etiology,
Do not date or go near these people.