I am not a parent, but I am an educator that works with teenagers. I love what you are out to do in the world with this channel. I am sick to death of people I encounter--of any age--whose lives are run by that "external locus of control." We need to happen to Life, not wait for it to happen to us! Thanks so much.
I'm working with my kids to go back out into the world now that the risks from the pandemic are decreasing. This video REALLY helped me b/c it validates what I'm doing, just taking them out into the world to do things, even if sometimes they're like Ferris Bueller's friend. I agree that well-meaning people are teaching our kids they're helpless, akin to that clip where the man says if you say you can overcome problems you're actually contributing to the problems. Thanks for making this video.
Charles, this comment is the reason we're doing this. So often, as parents, we feel like "what the hell am I doing here?! Is this right?". That's especially true when we feel like the right choice isn't the popular choice. Today, the popular choice is to take safetyism too far and we believe that hurts our kids in the long run.
Don't listen to this guy! He's advocates a dismissive (not the same thing as authoritarian) style of parenting that does not show interest in the child's inner world. The child who doesn't need anything from the parent is not doing "great". I am all for advocating autonomy in children, but if the message they receive is "deal with your feelings on your own", they will learn to suppress/fear them. The child who's parent is willing to witness ALL of their emotions (YES, without interfering), is the secure parent. Just because your kid "behaves" well does not mean your "intervention" worked. You are modelling an over-reliance on self. Striking the perfect balance between autonomy and connection may be impossible, but what matters is your availability and willingness to be "curious" (yes, I hate that word too) about your child's experience. It is WITHIN connection that we learn to be truly autonomous. We say "no" to our kids, but we still value their experience of being told no. Becky Kennedy (attachment/internal family systems) is the parenting guru of this generation, don't listen to this CBT guy! It's "more of the same". Boring! Just because you don't yell/hit doesn't mean you're not implicitly saying "do it, or else...". Some of his ideas might be "ok", but never forget the "still face experiment". If you "still face" your child, they will not "experience themselves" as "real". Whatever "part" they are showing you will be repressed. I still think one of the best parenting books ever written is "how to talk so kids will listen" which came out in the early 80's. But if you're looking for a new parenting book that will "test" your ability to be a secure attachment figure, read good inside. Offering security is the REAL test of being a parent, and human being. Offering your kids an experience of dismissing or avoiding their real feelings is just the opposite of being enmeshed/over-involved, not better. You are the "scaffolding" of your child's ability to regulate emotion and grow/develop. Therefore, you must scaffold their learning - including (or primarily) their emotional learning. We don't grow to be mature by ignoring our feelings. We grow to be mature by sharing them with an adult who HELPS us process them, and then we INTERNALIZE that PROCESS, which enables us to be fully present with our SELF as an adult. The fully integrated brain relies on logic and emotion. Emotion will always win out over logic, because of how our brain is built - we were creatures of emotion before we were creatures of logic. If we lean too heavily in either direction, due to what our parents FORCED us to repress - we may be "successful" in our adult lives, but we may also be miserable or incapable of intimacy.
I am not a parent, but I am an educator that works with teenagers. I love what you are out to do in the world with this channel. I am sick to death of people I encounter--of any age--whose lives are run by that "external locus of control." We need to happen to Life, not wait for it to happen to us! Thanks so much.
Thanks, Heather. We’ve got a lot of content coming that focuses on education.
I'm working with my kids to go back out into the world now that the risks from the pandemic are decreasing. This video REALLY helped me b/c it validates what I'm doing, just taking them out into the world to do things, even if sometimes they're like Ferris Bueller's friend. I agree that well-meaning people are teaching our kids they're helpless, akin to that clip where the man says if you say you can overcome problems you're actually contributing to the problems.
Thanks for making this video.
Charles, this comment is the reason we're doing this. So often, as parents, we feel like "what the hell am I doing here?! Is this right?". That's especially true when we feel like the right choice isn't the popular choice. Today, the popular choice is to take safetyism too far and we believe that hurts our kids in the long run.
Dr. Ortiz is breaking new ground in his field. Exciting future for his work and will help a lot of kids!!!
I am feeling very lucky to be in Dr. Ortiz's class this semester.
Very informative video!
Thanks Yona!
That's me in the video. What are your parenting challenges? We want to know!
I have his same name!
Don't listen to this guy! He's advocates a dismissive (not the same thing as authoritarian) style of parenting that does not show interest in the child's inner world. The child who doesn't need anything from the parent is not doing "great". I am all for advocating autonomy in children, but if the message they receive is "deal with your feelings on your own", they will learn to suppress/fear them. The child who's parent is willing to witness ALL of their emotions (YES, without interfering), is the secure parent. Just because your kid "behaves" well does not mean your "intervention" worked. You are modelling an over-reliance on self. Striking the perfect balance between autonomy and connection may be impossible, but what matters is your availability and willingness to be "curious" (yes, I hate that word too) about your child's experience. It is WITHIN connection that we learn to be truly autonomous. We say "no" to our kids, but we still value their experience of being told no. Becky Kennedy (attachment/internal family systems) is the parenting guru of this generation, don't listen to this CBT guy! It's "more of the same". Boring! Just because you don't yell/hit doesn't mean you're not implicitly saying "do it, or else...". Some of his ideas might be "ok", but never forget the "still face experiment". If you "still face" your child, they will not "experience themselves" as "real". Whatever "part" they are showing you will be repressed. I still think one of the best parenting books ever written is "how to talk so kids will listen" which came out in the early 80's. But if you're looking for a new parenting book that will "test" your ability to be a secure attachment figure, read good inside. Offering security is the REAL test of being a parent, and human being. Offering your kids an experience of dismissing or avoiding their real feelings is just the opposite of being enmeshed/over-involved, not better. You are the "scaffolding" of your child's ability to regulate emotion and grow/develop. Therefore, you must scaffold their learning - including (or primarily) their emotional learning. We don't grow to be mature by ignoring our feelings. We grow to be mature by sharing them with an adult who HELPS us process them, and then we INTERNALIZE that PROCESS, which enables us to be fully present with our SELF as an adult. The fully integrated brain relies on logic and emotion. Emotion will always win out over logic, because of how our brain is built - we were creatures of emotion before we were creatures of logic. If we lean too heavily in either direction, due to what our parents FORCED us to repress - we may be "successful" in our adult lives, but we may also be miserable or incapable of intimacy.