I grew up in control and high conflict. Angry, emotionally and abusive people. Blaming a child for what they themselves are. No accountability. Adults refuse to address their behaviors. Sometimes you just have to go no contact.
Coming from a high conflict tradition family, I became conflict avoidant. Ive heard someone jokingly use the term "stepping on landmines" rather than the more commonly used "stepping on eggshells". Its true I think, it was natural to want to avoid blowups, but now I'm too passive. Working on it every day!
Being born in a family like this has led me to embracing Stoicism at a young age which led to looking forward and kindly walking away... meeting other Humans to enjoy Life and have much Healthier Brain Cells. Stoicism is the Healthiest way of Life.
What a blessing you have been since I’ve found your channel. Everything you said is 1000% spot on. I watched the video all the way through and had to go back to the part you talked about when people reach a point where they feel like they’ve lost their sense of identity. That is exactly the point I feel I’m at right now but never put it into words! It’s like your personality gets whitewashed in a sense and you’re exhausted from all the high intensity of said personality. I grew up an only child of an extremely confrontational, alcoholic mother (I was raised by my grandma who I adore and has passed away only in the last couple years). My mom takes absolutely no responsibility for anything. She’s been in “counseling” for years, been diagnosed bipolar, takes or has taken every medication they could prescribe to try and treat her for it, it is to no avail. She will not let anyone “counsel” her because all she wants to do is vent… especially about how she is a victim of everyone, and borderline paranoid and suspicious of ALL people in general. Extremely critical about everything and everyone and has no idea how a casual conversation is supposed to work. She quietly resents anyone who tries to go deeper to fix or help personal issues; and as a matter of fact, to my knowledge, has never held a meaningful relationship with anyone for any longer period of time, (friend or romantic). She is Up until I was about the age of 9 before she was arrested on her 8th DUI charge (with me in the car, might I add) and was sent to jail for over a year. I remember literally feeling like I didn’t know who I was. When I went to live with my aunt during that time, I remember feeling so ashamed of myself, a 9 year old girl should never feel like that. I would hide in my closet when I ate food. I developed something only I can describe as mild body dysmorphia all the while knowing what normal actually looks like and trying my best to emulate ‘that’. God has opened my eyes to so much the last few years and I hope and pray my story can one day help encourage others in their journey of healing. There is so much more I could share, but lastly I’ll say, I’m 31 years old now with 2 young boys of my own. This new chapter of my life has proved challenging but rewarding! God has a plan for us! Processing our pasts is hard sometimes but so crucial in our healing. Thank you Mrs Tamara for shedding light like you do!!
I'm so glad that you feel that God has opened your eyes. That's the best feeling in this life of confusion and multiple tornadoes along this path of life. I'm sorry you have had to experience a mother like this. It isn't something that is easy to manage. And thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad you found this helpful. May God continue to open your eyes and bless you.
My dad was a raging lunatic and my mom enabled him. I , not wanting to be like him, suppressed my anger. It cost me much. I now am not ashamed to show anger and am able to control it. Controlled chaos is what i call it. But i wish i had a father who was healthy with his emotions .
This is a difficult scenario as well. Any time a spouse enables this behavior, it's hard to undo this which then could lead to years upon years of verbal abuse of everyone in the family. I'm sorry. This is tough and can rub off on you. You explain how internalized anger can take over well.
I "ran away" to college to get away from this type of environment. Due to mental health challenges I had to return... It's frustrating, but understanding it's actually a function that is happening vs. "you're too sensitive" helps to combat the toxicity.
I'm sorry 😔It's so hard when this kind of person is your parent. You almost can't get around it that way, unless you make decisions to distance or damage control the situation.
I have decided to go "no contact" with high conflict family. A friend of mine suggested when going no contact - "Not to waiver. Ignore, ignore, ignore this will stop the noise. Do not respond EVER!" to have a peaceful life!
So true. But the manager was in favor of his business. My understanding of the situation from that poor girl is that when he buys Starbucks he REALLY BUYS. Sadly, our society is more focused on losing business than saving society. That could have very quickly escalated into a mass shooting too.
Whew, these are my parents. Both of them are emotionally immature due to their upbringing and generational trauma. At first I thought their arguing was normal, but then I noticed how unhappy they were and my father would purposely start arguments with us even if we simply said good morning to him. I realized they are just a hurt child in a grown people's body and it has nothing to do with me. There was no point in sitting them down and talking about it since it would end up with shouting, yelling, gaslighting, insults, etc. I learned to cut ties with them and let them live in their own misery, I am no longer their audience member/punching bag.
Dear Doctor, you're helping me right at this moment try to survive a sociopathic ex. I've got to get thru the next 6 months until I can win freedom. Thank you. I'm feeling miserable at this very moment and your video and your reassuring rationality and help are helping me immensely to gain a hold of not breaking down into a more nightmarish state than Im already in. These are war situations I'm living in and I'm trying to huddle in my shelter of multiple strategies and supports. To you, a complete stranger, I give my heartfelt thanks as you are a key support and you give it to me, a stranger, for nothing but the goodness of your heart.
🤗❤🙌Thank you!!! And so glad to hear this. When I make these videos, I honestly look to help people and when comments like this come in, I'm grateful. And I'm so sorry you are going through this. A lot of people in complex families go through this. The sad part is that it can be difficult to see that the problem isn't you but rather the family dynamic or specific individuals within the family. Once you grasp this piece of the puzzle, you can begin to heal a bit better and find better direction.
I want to throw up watching his video. You're literally talking about my whole family. I have to come back and watch the 2nd half, I'm getting too stressed out. It's almost like you're a fly on the wall recording and taking notes about my life 😢
My sister yells and have outburst at me. When I tell her about it, she says it's not like that. Really then don't do it, it disregulates it especially in public. I'm taking a break from her. It's too much, thank you so much
Any of those things in my behavior were not present at another place in my life. 🎉😊. I wouldn't consider myself high conflict but possibly frustrated and reactive at times with toxic relationships.
That's fair! I agree this does exist. Not everyone, as you know, is high conflict. You just learn things over time and that can appear high conflict when it is not.
I have major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. And schizo-affective disorder. I have a hard time controlling my temper, sometimes. Are you talking about people like me? As far as, I can remember I have had a very bad temper. I've been told it goes back to 2 yrs old . Maybe earlier I don't know . Every time I get mad I apologize profusely. I feel horrible and embarrassed. I tell myself I WILL control my temper. You told one side. I hope this tells a little of the other side .
This is like my Nigerian family with a histrionic, yelling, authoritative, chaotic, nagging, patriarchal mother. Every simple basic conversation which starts at a 1 suddenly become a 100 yelling meltdown. They don’t listen. You must just obey even when you are told useless word salad stupidity. Only they have feelings. Their life is suffering because of you. Every girl is raised as a parentified domestic and boys are free to do whatever they want with no accountability. Everything therefore is your fault. Add onto that for fun her being a covert narc, the ultimate victim specialising in emotional incest, so having to endure a life of a person who hates you, manipulating you into never leaving them or they will die. What fun. One brother also picked up her hysterical shouting traits. His emotional fragility mixed with his violent outbursts make for a dangerous mix. His is the exact outcome of a violent father and emotionally manipulative mother. However when you’re born raised in a reserved European country, where communication seems to be more reasonable when processing thoughts, this useless high conflict way of life just causes absolutely trauma.
I would really love to share my story and hope to tune in with you all one Friday. Family is behind dysfunctional we’re all at a point where going out own separate ways is the only solution, respect hasnt been a thing for over 10 years now. I hope one day we can all heal and move forward from our up brining so we are able to enjoy eachother while we still have time in this life.
I watched this video and the preceding one, back to back, while at work. Thanks, Tamara. Growing up with examples of highly reactive people around me affected me greatly. I once had high reactivity in me too but never high conflict. I am conscious in my efforts everyday to steer clear of people with behaviors that don't support resolution with respect and patience. High conflict personalities unnerve me as an HSP. They go against my personal policy of maintaining internal/external peace in every situation. Thus, I avoid them like the plague.
Dated a cat like this. I think he may have been a malignant narcissist or sociopath. The Texas Rangers are looking for him… grand larceny. Explosive temper… absolutely terrifying to deal with. Good with the ladies too. Very smooth operator.
This was my ex he went to therapy once and he was not successful in charming the therapist. The next session I was screamed at in the parking lot thrown out of the car and then he sped off saying I don't need this 🤬 get your own 🤬home. The entire therapist office heard. From the 2nd floor
I'm sorry CherrysJubilee. This is horrible. I hope you have walked away from him. He is certainly abusive or completely fed up with the dynamics. Either way, his reaction was unnecessary.
My mom knows how to poke the bear ...and then I have the fiery temper. She gets me to go from zero to a hundred. She is so unmaternal....and when I call her out ... I'm the problem. There is no winning...and no peace.
I'm concerned that I am becoming this. I am struggling to control myself and have resolved to keep myself removed from situations and people around whom I have a tendency towards overwhelming anger. I am very worried.
Mental sorting of the people is just whitewashing,becouse if we are not talking about some neurological damage to the brain,then that person is normal,but enjoy to do bad things.Here another example from my friend's life,my friend have difficult father,who allways yells,and plays loud music.And when my friend has tell to his father to lower the volume,then his father has threaten to him,and yelled DON'T TERORISE ME!,or DON'T TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO!,and I'M MASTER OF THIS HOUSE!And it was few times in my friend's childhood,when mother has lied to the family terapist,by describing her self as disrespected victim of child's abuse,and the child as the abuser.And those 'terapists',they don't care for anyone.They just ask you few questions,drag you in their mental game,and make a antisocial person of that child,by theirs 'diagnosis'.And mother,she has allways was on fathers side,so when father would coused some incident at home,with and to the child,mother would say few mean words,to panish the child,in order to please the father.One incident was about vanila puding,when my friend then 10 years old,has eat one from the frige,and father has yelling HOW CAN YOU ALLOW THIS TO THAT SPOILED CHILD?!.Then he has manage to twist everything into his advantage,by describing child's behavior as some "malfunction in behavior" becouse his son have epilepsy,and he has come with lame excuse,that he was just "teaching him a life's lesson"so that he can be normal person in his adoulthood.And my friend has tell me many times,that fathers "lessons",has allways make him feel,humiliated,upset,and aware of his father's biggotry,stupidity,and prejustice.And it's like that for the last 33 years,and the rightwing media,has messed his brain completely.
This is exactly how my family works. Watching this video brings out mixed emotions of both joy and embarrassment at the same time. It is definitely joy and freedom to me because I know I was never the reason for this kind of treatment. However, I have seen first hand how this kind of conflict has hindered us all and stifled generations (that’s truly the embarrassing part). It is a high level of narcissism and I concur (from my own personal experiences) that this type of conflict is as much environmental as it is generational (as well as the fact that people never learned grow up properly).
I grew up in control and high conflict. Angry, emotionally and abusive people. Blaming a child for what they themselves are. No accountability. Adults refuse to address their behaviors. Sometimes you just have to go no contact.
i have this exact experience and can no longer take the abuse
Unfortunately, to save yourself and your sanity, you have to walk away from the craziness. 🙏🙏❤
Coming from a high conflict tradition family, I became conflict avoidant. Ive heard someone jokingly use the term "stepping on landmines" rather than the more commonly used "stepping on eggshells".
Its true I think, it was natural to want to avoid blowups, but now I'm too passive. Working on it every day!
"Conflict avoidant" is a great word. That needs to be a new psychology term because this is a very real phenomenon. I'm sorry to hear this too.
Being born in a family like this has led me to embracing Stoicism at a young age which led to looking forward and kindly walking away... meeting other Humans to enjoy Life and have much Healthier Brain Cells. Stoicism is the Healthiest way of Life.
High conflict people and families seem to care more about dominating than loving their family members.
Well said. Agree.
I agree. Posturing more than anything else.
Μy sister is like that. I had to go no contact. That kind of behaviour is so utterly disrespectful and draining.
Couldn't agree more. It is! Sometimes walking away or utilizing firm boundaries is essential.
A sibling of mine is the same. I leave him where he's at.
What a blessing you have been since I’ve found your channel. Everything you said is 1000% spot on. I watched the video all the way through and had to go back to the part you talked about when people reach a point where they feel like they’ve lost their sense of identity. That is exactly the point I feel I’m at right now but never put it into words! It’s like your personality gets whitewashed in a sense and you’re exhausted from all the high intensity of said personality. I grew up an only child of an extremely confrontational, alcoholic mother (I was raised by my grandma who I adore and has passed away only in the last couple years). My mom takes absolutely no responsibility for anything. She’s been in “counseling” for years, been diagnosed bipolar, takes or has taken every medication they could prescribe to try and treat her for it, it is to no avail. She will not let anyone “counsel” her because all she wants to do is vent… especially about how she is a victim of everyone, and borderline paranoid and suspicious of ALL people in general. Extremely critical about everything and everyone and has no idea how a casual conversation is supposed to work. She quietly resents anyone who tries to go deeper to fix or help personal issues; and as a matter of fact, to my knowledge, has never held a meaningful relationship with anyone for any longer period of time, (friend or romantic). She is Up until I was about the age of 9 before she was arrested on her 8th DUI charge (with me in the car, might I add) and was sent to jail for over a year. I remember literally feeling like I didn’t know who I was. When I went to live with my aunt during that time, I remember feeling so ashamed of myself, a 9 year old girl should never feel like that. I would hide in my closet when I ate food. I developed something only I can describe as mild body dysmorphia all the while knowing what normal actually looks like and trying my best to emulate ‘that’.
God has opened my eyes to so much the last few years and I hope and pray my story can one day help encourage others in their journey of healing. There is so much more I could share, but lastly I’ll say, I’m 31 years old now with 2 young boys of my own. This new chapter of my life has proved challenging but rewarding! God has a plan for us! Processing our pasts is hard sometimes but so crucial in our healing. Thank you Mrs Tamara for shedding light like you do!!
I'm so glad that you feel that God has opened your eyes. That's the best feeling in this life of confusion and multiple tornadoes along this path of life. I'm sorry you have had to experience a mother like this. It isn't something that is easy to manage.
And thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad you found this helpful. May God continue to open your eyes and bless you.
My dad was a raging lunatic and my mom enabled him. I , not wanting to be like him, suppressed my anger. It cost me much. I now am not ashamed to show anger and am able to control it. Controlled chaos is what i call it. But i wish i had a father who was healthy with his emotions .
This is a difficult scenario as well. Any time a spouse enables this behavior, it's hard to undo this which then could lead to years upon years of verbal abuse of everyone in the family. I'm sorry. This is tough and can rub off on you. You explain how internalized anger can take over well.
Here read my long coment,maybee you can find something familliar.
I "ran away" to college to get away from this type of environment.
Due to mental health challenges I had to return... It's frustrating, but understanding it's actually a function that is happening vs. "you're too sensitive" helps to combat the toxicity.
This is my mom up one side and down the other 😢 This is why I have decided to distance, I can’t do it anymore.
I'm sorry 😔It's so hard when this kind of person is your parent. You almost can't get around it that way, unless you make decisions to distance or damage control the situation.
same - i'm so drained and exhausted and don't deserve this treatment
❤️
Omg need this one. Some out of control. Watch out for the screamers people as they can adversely affect your hearing. I won't tolerate them anymore.
hahahahaha🙉🙈🙊 That is true.
Don't remember some early years. Oh yes blamed for everything wrong in FOO.
I have decided to go "no contact" with high conflict family. A friend of mine suggested when going no contact - "Not to waiver. Ignore, ignore, ignore this will stop the noise. Do not respond EVER!" to have a peaceful life!
thank you for sharing this because i'm gonna need to follow this suggestion very soon!
Amen!
Scapegoating really sucks!
Thank you for being such a blessing to many, Tamara!
You are so welcome! And thank you. That is an answered prayer❤
Starbucks should call the police. He is disturbing the peace.
So true. But the manager was in favor of his business. My understanding of the situation from that poor girl is that when he buys Starbucks he REALLY BUYS. Sadly, our society is more focused on losing business than saving society. That could have very quickly escalated into a mass shooting too.
@@TherapistTamaraHillOh yes, Tamara. Capitalism outweighs Care/Compassion.
Whew, these are my parents. Both of them are emotionally immature due to their upbringing and generational trauma. At first I thought their arguing was normal, but then I noticed how unhappy they were and my father would purposely start arguments with us even if we simply said good morning to him. I realized they are just a hurt child in a grown people's body and it has nothing to do with me. There was no point in sitting them down and talking about it since it would end up with shouting, yelling, gaslighting, insults, etc. I learned to cut ties with them and let them live in their own misery, I am no longer their audience member/punching bag.
Oooh!!! Can’t wait for this one!!
Dear Doctor, you're helping me right at this moment try to survive a sociopathic ex. I've got to get thru the next 6 months until I can win freedom. Thank you. I'm feeling miserable at this very moment and your video and your reassuring rationality and help are helping me immensely to gain a hold of not breaking down into a more nightmarish state than Im already in. These are war situations I'm living in and I'm trying to huddle in my shelter of multiple strategies and supports. To you, a complete stranger, I give my heartfelt thanks as you are a key support and you give it to me, a stranger, for nothing but the goodness of your heart.
🤗❤🙌Thank you!!! And so glad to hear this. When I make these videos, I honestly look to help people and when comments like this come in, I'm grateful.
And I'm so sorry you are going through this. A lot of people in complex families go through this. The sad part is that it can be difficult to see that the problem isn't you but rather the family dynamic or specific individuals within the family. Once you grasp this piece of the puzzle, you can begin to heal a bit better and find better direction.
You are loved unconditionally Tam-fam here for you.
I want to throw up watching his video. You're literally talking about my whole family. I have to come back and watch the 2nd half, I'm getting too stressed out. It's almost like you're a fly on the wall recording and taking notes about my life 😢
God certainly gives you what you need at the right time. Thanks Tamara. ❤️
Absolutely!! You're welcome.
Thanks Tamara! Listening now!! ❤
Thanks for watching 🤗
My sister yells and have outburst at me. When I tell her about it, she says it's not like that. Really then don't do it, it disregulates it especially in public. I'm taking a break from her. It's too much, thank you so much
I'm sorry 😔 I don't blame you for taking a break. That's using healthy boundaries too.
Any of those things in my behavior were not present at another place in my life. 🎉😊. I wouldn't consider myself high conflict but possibly frustrated and reactive at times with toxic relationships.
That's fair! I agree this does exist. Not everyone, as you know, is high conflict. You just learn things over time and that can appear high conflict when it is not.
I have major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. And schizo-affective disorder. I have a hard time controlling my temper, sometimes. Are you talking about people like me? As far as, I can remember I have had a very bad temper. I've been told it goes back to 2 yrs old . Maybe earlier I don't know .
Every time I get mad I apologize profusely. I feel horrible and embarrassed. I tell myself I WILL control my temper. You told one side. I hope this tells a little of the other side .
This is like my Nigerian family with a histrionic, yelling, authoritative, chaotic, nagging, patriarchal mother. Every simple basic conversation which starts at a 1 suddenly become a 100 yelling meltdown. They don’t listen. You must just obey even when you are told useless word salad stupidity. Only they have feelings. Their life is suffering because of you. Every girl is raised as a parentified domestic and boys are free to do whatever they want with no accountability. Everything therefore is your fault.
Add onto that for fun her being a covert narc, the ultimate victim specialising in emotional incest, so having to endure a life of a person who hates you, manipulating you into never leaving them or they will die. What fun.
One brother also picked up her hysterical shouting traits. His emotional fragility mixed with his violent outbursts make for a dangerous mix. His is the exact outcome of a violent father and emotionally manipulative mother.
However when you’re born raised in a reserved European country, where communication seems to be more reasonable when processing thoughts, this useless high conflict way of life just causes absolutely trauma.
😢 hugs!!❤🙏🏽
It gets so tiring after a while dealing with people like this😢
I would really love to share my story and hope to tune in with you all one Friday.
Family is behind dysfunctional we’re all at a point where going out own separate ways is the only solution, respect hasnt been a thing for over 10 years now. I hope one day we can all heal and move forward from our up brining so we are able to enjoy eachother while we still have time in this life.
I watched this video and the preceding one, back to back, while at work. Thanks, Tamara.
Growing up with examples of highly reactive people around me affected me greatly. I once had high reactivity in me too but never high conflict. I am conscious in my efforts everyday to steer clear of people with behaviors that don't support resolution with respect and patience.
High conflict personalities unnerve me as an HSP. They go against my personal policy of maintaining internal/external peace in every situation. Thus, I avoid them like the plague.
You're welcome! I hope they were helpful. And thank you for always tuning in!
And I couldn't agree with you more about high conflict personalities.
Dated a cat like this. I think he may have been a malignant narcissist or sociopath. The Texas Rangers are looking for him… grand larceny. Explosive temper… absolutely terrifying to deal with. Good with the ladies too. Very smooth operator.
Sometimes these are smooth operators. That's why they can get over on people so easliy.
I feel like just that - collapsed.
This was my ex he went to therapy once and he was not successful in charming the therapist. The next session I was screamed at in the parking lot thrown out of the car and then he sped off saying I don't need this 🤬 get your own 🤬home. The entire therapist office heard. From the 2nd floor
I'm sorry CherrysJubilee. This is horrible. I hope you have walked away from him. He is certainly abusive or completely fed up with the dynamics. Either way, his reaction was unnecessary.
@@TherapistTamaraHill 10 years stuck ...10 years free
Oh my goodness, how awful.
My mom knows how to poke the bear ...and then I have the fiery temper. She gets me to go from zero to a hundred. She is so unmaternal....and when I call her out ... I'm the problem. There is no winning...and no peace.
I just can't be myself when I'm with my family, its awful. I have to really psyche myself up to spend time with them..
You are so brilliant; I am always in awe of you.
Cheers from Guinea
Thank you so much!❤ I'm glad this was helpful.
Good points Tamara!
I seem to always miss the live , but I always catch up 😁
👍Glad to still have you on the channel! And thank you for watching.
I'm concerned that I am becoming this. I am struggling to control myself and have resolved to keep myself removed from situations and people around whom I have a tendency towards overwhelming anger. I am very worried.
Mental sorting of the people is just whitewashing,becouse if we are not talking about some neurological damage to the brain,then that person is normal,but enjoy to do bad things.Here another example from my friend's life,my friend have difficult father,who allways yells,and plays loud music.And when my friend has tell to his father to lower the volume,then his father has threaten to him,and yelled DON'T TERORISE ME!,or DON'T TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO!,and I'M MASTER OF THIS HOUSE!And it was few times in my friend's childhood,when mother has lied to the family terapist,by describing her self as disrespected victim of child's abuse,and the child as the abuser.And those 'terapists',they don't care for anyone.They just ask you few questions,drag you in their mental game,and make a antisocial person of that child,by theirs 'diagnosis'.And mother,she has allways was on fathers side,so when father would coused some incident at home,with and to the child,mother would say few mean words,to panish the child,in order to please the father.One incident was about vanila puding,when my friend then 10 years old,has eat one from the frige,and father has yelling HOW CAN YOU ALLOW THIS TO THAT SPOILED CHILD?!.Then he has manage to twist everything into his advantage,by describing child's behavior as some "malfunction in behavior" becouse his son have epilepsy,and he has come with lame excuse,that he was just "teaching him a life's lesson"so that he can be normal person in his adoulthood.And my friend has tell me many times,that fathers "lessons",has allways make him feel,humiliated,upset,and aware of his father's biggotry,stupidity,and prejustice.And it's like that for the last 33 years,and the rightwing media,has messed his brain completely.
This is exactly how my family works. Watching this video brings out mixed emotions of both joy and embarrassment at the same time. It is definitely joy and freedom to me because I know I was never the reason for this kind of treatment. However, I have seen first hand how this kind of conflict has hindered us all and stifled generations (that’s truly the embarrassing part). It is a high level of narcissism and I concur (from my own personal experiences) that this type of conflict is as much environmental as it is generational (as well as the fact that people never learned grow up properly).
Great Information DR.
Thank you!! Glad this was helpful.
Thank you for this explanation.
Good evening y'all ❤
🤗
This is so good Támara!!! Bravo!
Thanks Tamara you nailed that one to a T that's exactly the way my son is is a narcissist as well not a good sign thanks for all your hard work❤❤❤😂
You are so welcome😂❤🙌