Befriend your self-judgments
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- Опубликовано: 30 сен 2024
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Wow! This is such an exquisite example of self-empathy. You’re so open and authentic, so powerful in your vulnerability. Thank you for modeling the process. This video meets my need for learning and I feel inspired to practice empathy with myself and others. As a viewer, I’m also reminded of just how beautiful and heart connecting it can be for someone to witness me in my process. Many blessings from NY.
Thanks David!!
Thank you for your radical openness. That's awesome, how you open up, and how you manage to work through that sheet by yourself, showing yourself empathy... wow. The "tribe" aspect of belonging really resonates with me. This has come up for me before: shame, very heavy and strong, hiding, shushing, repressing whatever was alive in me underneath. Apparently showing what was alive in me triggered a fear of the tribe throwing me out - and leaving the tribe means death. That seems an ancient fear to me (Iceage old?). This fear of rejection will probably come up again for me. It also reminds me of an Ikigai book I read recently, about 100+ yo's living happy and healthy. One of their secrets was how (upon arrival in the Japanese "blue zone" village where they live) they were randomly assigned to a local "tribe": a group of 10 - 25 peers, that they regarded as family, helping eachother, celebrating birthdays together, sharing meals and so on. As I type this I realize this triggers a current need in me, especially now our children are growing up (7 & 10), and I yearn for such a community for all of us to move around in freely, safely yet be supported by (our actual relatives live an impossible 35' to 12 hour drive away). So yeah... needs work =) Thank you again for sharing yours =D
I appreciate that you demonstrate here, that self-empathy takes TIME. If your best friend is upset and concerned, of course you would take the time to listen.
Thank you, glad to hear this as I was a little worried about the length of the video, but YES, it takes time..
this is over 3 years ago so I imagine you would do it differently now, trusting that we are growing and evolving in our journey. My compassionate take is that maybe you were bumping up against your capacities and limits in terms of how much time, energy and focus you have in your hand to play with. So you said "no" . I believe there are some other skills you could have tapped into - one, different ways of saying "no" in particular holding care and expressing empathy for the person hearing it, and two, also sharing what it is you are saying yes to, three expression of mourning or longing that you did have capacity for saying YES! I was a person you said "no" to, as a stranger, to have a conversation with you. I remember part of me feeling hurt and bewildered, while not wanting to be in demand mode, I had a need to be seen and appreciated as I imagined it could have been a mutually supportive conversation. I really value a wide acceptance that we are at times, having different capacities, capabilities and growth edges and that we can celebrate that we are learning and growing in these important skills. I'm grateful for all you are doing to share NVC and extend compassion in the world. I feel inspired. Much love and blessings to you.
When you honestly and openly share your heart, it meets my need for inspiration and I feel grateful and happy that there are women like you leading the peaceful revolution.
Thank you so much for seeing this in me..warms my heart!
I’ve been watching your videos and practicing with your worksheet for a few weeks. Seeing how you work with the sheet, and continue checking in with your feelings is extremely helpful for me. Thank you, Coyote.
I’m lazy; I choose to engage with social media instead of my work; I’m disappointed in myself; I need to contribute; I will contribute in a meaningful way in my work and on social media.
I love your openness and how you can really look at what is going on inside you, be the Observer, and name it, and make rational guesses to what is going on inside the other person/people. I think this fear of being thrown out of the tribe is very important and affects all of us. Thank you for talking about it.
Self Empathy is so powerful because the way we treat ourselves is the way we treat others. And to have Peace within ourselves will bring Peace to the world! Thank you Marianne for sharing how to do this! I’m so new at it.
Such a vulnerable video! I literally started looking into NVC after I had to "break-up" with a friend. Thankfully the talk went really well, but afterwards I realized how ill-equipped I felt to express my needs and try not to hurt the person at the same time. This video resonated so much with me, since after learning a little about NVC I realized how important autonomy is to me and that it is something I can honor and not feel guilty about. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for showing up so authentically and vulnerably. Im barely finding this video in 2022 because Ive begun to learn about NVC I’m so thankful for everyone who is putting in the beautiful labor of love that is NVC. sharing that for people like me who struggle to find support in or physical lives it’s so helpful to have support/representation online ❤
Thank you for sharing, I relate to a lot of what you brought up in this video: especially the 'judgement day' visual, I often don't meet my need for authenticity because I get swept away with wanting to please the other person, and I think this feeling that I am the sum of other peoples' impressions of me (a version of your judgement day narrative) forms part of that compulsion. The biggest self-judgement I have at the moment is that "I don't have the will-power to keep anything going long-term". Be this daily physio, or putting in my retainers, or learning a musical instrument or being in a job or committed relationship. Looking forward to getting your sheet so I can work through it in a more structured way.
I hope you keep up the great work of sharing your inner self, it's a breath of fresh air in a society that encourages atomisation/isolation.
Thanks a lot Joe for your sharing, gives me a sense of connection. I feel encouraged by your appreciation!
Thank you for gifting us with your vulnerability and modeling! So helpful!!!❤️❤️
You are quite courageous.
does anyone want to be my empathy buddy?
me , we can connect on facebook
The point where you say that you thought 'They were maybe having judgements about the way you brought your message or that you even did it at all' That point is interesting to me. Because it may be so that you can't call that an observation as a camera wouldn't observe those things, it may have well been an observation of your intuition and that their judgement brings up a need for you. Is it thus enough to look at the need, this thought brought up? and to leave it aside if they actually judge you in their minds or not? I really would like a video about the place of intuition in NVC. For me it's like second nature and I'm confused about how to use it in a non violent way.
Hello, I just want to share my admiration for your courage, the courage of showing such intimate parts of you, of sharing those and with no shame for your difficulties in understanding you. That's an important demonstration for me that self-compassion, and not shame or blame, is the only wise way to live and relate to oneself, if u don't want to constantly hurt yourself... Thank you very much for this gift!
So glad it helped you Monica, thanks for the appreciation!
this is amazing
My biggest self judgement thoughts are that i'm guilty and i'm a monster... Grandma has called me monster so many times, i started to believe it.....i can't open to most members of my family, i had break up, i expressed i felt sad, was vunlerable, and they started to say things like it's your fault.. i know i should hear a need behind this, but if i'm in such a vulnerable state, i feelt really hurt for not geting my need for compassion and understanding met. I even expressed what i would like them to do in a strict action, they didn't do it, and them it got even worse because i assumed they didn't care.
That sounds tough and I would not say you 'always' have to look at what someone's need is - if you have space, yes, and there is always a choice. It could also be that their reaction crossed a boundary for you.
Even when people have lied to me or stolen from me I desire to stay in relationship. I believe that we are all more then the worst thing we have ever done and I hope that the memory of our healing will bring about deeper relationship. Mostly, I find that people who hurt me leave relationship with me.
I have a situation now where someone that I am close to can express little more then anger. This is toxic for me, and I might have found my limits.
Thanks for your video, watching it is helping me to think about my relationship.
I needed to watch your example. Thank you for being so free in taking the time to authentically be yourself and walk me and many others through the process.
HI Melissa, thank you for the appreciation, and Im glad the recording benefitted you!
People always Live in a balance between belonging to human kind and experimenting them selfs
Wow, seeing this specific issue be worked with has been extremely helpful.
I truly appreciate your authenticity. This is so incredibly helpful to me, as I’m feeling nervous to get in there with myself on some of these self judgements. Thank you for leading the way ♥️
I don’t get officially “breaking up” with a friend. I think it’s a lot kinder to slowly drift apart and not see each other as much. Unless the other person demands an explanation, I don’t think an explanation is necessary.
You are a beautiful soul, Marianne and we're all deeply enriched by your passionate sharing. Even when I'm not fully engaged in a youtube video while distracted, any moment I spend on one of your videos brings a deeper understanding of self through recognizing it in you. Thank you for continuing to grace us with your guidance.
Thank you super helpful. My question is when we have a deep belief in scriptures like Phillipians 2:4 that encourages us to not look out for our own interests but the interests of others?
I look out for the interests of others because I care and wish to follow how Jesus Christ lived so where is the balance of need for space, belonging, loving..
I share your experience wanting to not hurt people while also needing freedom to myself.
Do you have a followup video?
When society catches up ur obviously competent self care won't be perceived this way. In so sorry society sucks or some of it does now. U just practiced self care and are en example and role model for others. The fact that this hurts u just shows hos much empathy u have
So touching to see your genuine vulnerability in sharing these deeper fears. I love that you normalise even those in professional helping roles share the human struggle of communicating ❤
I notice your eyes fixing here and there. Have you ever heard of Brainspotting?
still strong and raw as when I first saw it. Some lessons must be relearned and thank you for keeping this online.
I love your willingness to demo and be vulnerable. And I love the clarity with which you express yourself. I also love in this video that you notice your wanting to rush for the sake of the camera, and then you slow down, and take more time. And I think this is such an important part of NVC consciousness, to actually take the time to be with the body / emotion landscape on its timeline. Like, however long it takes. However much it "makes sense" or doesn't "make sense" at first. And I'm so grateful for video moments like this that model that, because it helps me share the "consciousness" part of NVC with people.
Wow is incredible how Can show empathy to others and not be emphatic with yourself .
Thank you for this! I resonate strongly and appreciate witnessing your process.
Thanks Taylor for sharing this!
Thank you for this form! And most of all for the candidness of this video! I like filling this form out but also adding desires after need. I am not sure how to fully articulate it but it has something to do with being honest about the ways that my desires are motivating my priorities and coming to terms with that and accepting that. I recognize needs in there, but something about desires helps me to be more self-accepting, more self-embracing. This helps me make the request of myself in the end because my requests are more honest. Im someone who feels a lot of pressure about being inadequate to others, and doing a lot of work in community, and so based on my tendency toward self-sacrifice the desire column helps me heal. Perhaps other folks have other tendencies that mean they should have different columns but all I know is there was still a gap for me between needs and requests, and the desire column helps me. Hope this is helpful for you or anyone else!
Thanks for this Beautiful View of Looking At It.
Thank you for this. All my love
Wow- you are amazing! You are amazing in how well you do this process, and also how courageous, authentic and vulnerable you are allowing yourself to be in sharing this with others on this others on this channel. You’re a great example of the courage, authenticity, and vulnerability that this world needs in order to move toward a more compassionate and peaceful world! 🥰🥰🥰
And now I realize that I expressed a judgement- a positive one, but a judgement. So what is more accurate is that I feel inspired and touched by this video and my heart feels very open and optimistic about people in the world after watching this video.
Of course telling people who are attached to you that you'd prefer to do something else is going to create hurt. No way around it. I can't see myself doing it. I'd rather drift away naturally. That is, with some tact. But then I don't get to practice the radical honesty you have the courage to use and experience the freedom of saying exactly how I feel.
Yes..it's such a delicate thing..and if you can separate softly and naturally I prefer that too..
I really like the way you have broken down the entire process and have given an insight into what goes on inside our minds...but just wanted to ask you, Marshall Rosenberg in his book said, we can't control other people's feelings, neither are we responsible for what they think nor can we change anyone in this world, if we keep that in mind don't you think we get rid of a lot of burden of taking the onus of controlling other person's feelings. I guess if we keep that thought in mind then anyone accusing us of being cold or indifferent will not really matter, isn't it?
In theory yes, and I guess for me it takes time to not believe in the judgment that someone has about me, when part of me beliefs it true..
Freaking *_Awesome!_*
As I watched, I quickly got clear on some similar experiences I've had.
Can I share that with you and maybe you can tell me if it resonates?
I've come up against this in NVC before and I think it would be an helpful thing to add to the process. IDK if that's allowed, but I'd do it for my own version anyway. LOL
The *category* would be: "Preference".
And the *feelings* that would go with it are: hesitant, torn, divided, bound and some others.
The *needs* that would go with it are still the same except - as you found here - there seems to be a special emphasis on "autonomy" and "agency" and "authenticity".
_BUT!_ As you also worked out so beautifully here, there seems to be a difference between _people_ and _activities._ Preferring activities is not about preferring the company of people. Those are completely different things.
_SO!_ You can actually turn this into a special *request:*
"Are you interested in doing __fill in with the type of activity here__ with me?
Then they can share in the decision process so it doesn't feel/seem as if it's all in your court. Because it isn't.
This is intimately tied to *values.* Our values often change thruout life. And I think it's a vestigial guilt that makes it painful and scary when this happens because Tribal culture is generally all about maintaining the same value system. You're born into it and it is maintained _for you_ thruout life and you die in it. The end. But the Postmodern and Post-Postmodern cultures we're in now are not held to that. So there is a leftover fear when we change our values because the process of maintaining values in Tribal culture often involves punishment. Shaming, exile, ridicule, disowning and sometimes violence. And if our survival depends upon the group, we risk death when we break with the cultural taboos. And small groups of friends often operate as a Tribe.
Therefore: stress response.
We're gonna need an open-ended list of *value* words now. It will prolly go on forever. LOL
I remember when I transitioned from grade school to junior high school and my interests completely changed. I no longer wanted to "play on the bars at recess". I wanted to sit and talk or sit and write. Luckily none of my old grade school friends wanted to play on the bars either, so there was no conflict about that. But none of them wanted to sit and talk or write with me. So, I changed friends.
This was hard.
And I didn't have anyone to help me get thru it. Luckily they all had new interests as well and they didn't really seem to be too bothered by my absence. But it bothered me anyway. The same thing can happen in adulthood when we change direction for whatever reason.
Does this resonate with you?
Don't forget to drink water while crying♡
Thanks that's a practical and sweet advice ❤️
Soo self-relfective it's amazing. Sorry spamming I I'll stop. Watching u process this in complete raw openness is a breath of fresh air. It truly it. Thank u again!!
I am really interested in this concept. I am newer to NVC. I am working through some self-judgements around moments where I feel I have made a mistake. I am curious about how to meet ourselves with empathy when we feel we have really messed up. When we want to engage others with NVC but react in anger instead. What I am struggling with is how can we be neutral about an observation when it doesn't feel it is neutral but that we are experiencing discomfort because we messed up?
Thank you you courages vulnerability. This has most assuredly helped others!!
So this an aspect of NVC process?
yes it is!
I really appreciate you sharing this
good work
Thank you! Cheers!
U r an amazing strong women wow
Dear Marianne. I have been watching a lot of your RUclips Videos. And this one in particular has touched my heart so deeply. This is one of the very few times I had the fortune to witness absolute true and raw authenticity and vulnerability. My mind does feel blown away, which is such a precious gift. I feel courage, strength and sheer joy sharing this valuable experience with you. It has strongly met my needs of purpose, meaning and true self connection. Thank you with all my heart and soul. Many blessings. ❤🙏🫶🥰😇😊 You have also helped me immensely to connect with my daughter and begin NVC language with her. It's healing our family.
I'm so glad to hear that Sweta..thanks for your appreciation ❤