How I figured out I had DID / Dissociative Identity Disorder
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- Опубликовано: 15 сен 2024
- ahahahagahag RUclips turned off the comments, turned them back on, and then off again, oh and then on again, okay. Here’s the How I found out I had DID / dissociative identity disorder. Just trying to figure out if i want my videos elaborate like the last or more chill like this one. I mask a lot less in this one. Let me know if you have any thought if youtube leaves the comments on.
Tags:
OSDD
OSDD-1
Yeah, that moment when you're talking to a voice in your head and you realize "hold on, I'm not talking to MYSELF...... Who are you? WHO AM I? How long has THIS been a thing‽"
The fact that you discovered your child alter when you were overstimulated PLUS this line- "My alters didn't know they were alters anymore than I knew they were alters" - had me crying happy sad tears.
Because as I've begun discovering alters, I found that my child alter comes out anytime we REALLY need to rest or take a break. And for so long (because none of us knew that any of us were alters) it constantly felt like some of us were at war with each other or like I was living with several different people who sometimes had opposing needs and because we weren't aware to even be able to communicate it often turned into everyone just grabbing what they needed whenever they could which nearly destroyed me.
I found your content the other day on a different account, and really really appreciate it.
This! Between me just trying to live my life ... Lilith raging at the world and having meltdowns ... and Jaiden wanting to suck his pacifier and color... I thought it was all me in different moods even though I had no control, a complete personality shit, and on rare occasions, memory loss or confusion.
It’s hard to tell the difference between “you” “being” an alter and an “alter” “being out” or “fronting” while you are “co-conscious.” Your mind tries to make sense sense of it through the assumption that you are a single person “acting” or “being” a certain way. But the thing is if you don’t remember it or if it fits more of the scenario of you being kind of a passive observer while your body does and says things, it’s hard to realize that is happening. And that is hard to identify, not only to tell if it is just you “acting” or “being” a certain way, or not because of misremembering, denial, or confusion about what is going on. And blending and passive influence, having amnesia about having amnesia alters masking to try and pass as the host, alters not knowing they aren’t the host, or that the host and them aren’t one in the same, not knowing the internal thought processes of “normal” people, and even having amnesia can all really hide it from you or cause confusion.
We all have parts. When the parts are completely “shut off” from each other and don’t communicate is when there’s a problem. Google Internal Family Systems
@@emotionalsupportpaintbrush Internal Family Systems, if I remember correctly, borrows its system setup from the structural theory of dissociation. I use the word "borrows" because there are some monumental differences between the two conceptually.
First, alters aren't just parts. Alters each have entirely their own identities, meaning they are multiple wholes working together in a system. Parts are smaller pieces that are part of one whole. The closest thing to a part in a DID system would be a fragment, which is technically an alter without a fully formed personality that usually handles one very small thing. So they're still technically different from parts because parts (exiles, managers, firefighters, etc.) still take on much, much more than a fragment, but they also don't have a complete identity like an alter does. I don't know if it was your intent, but if you're using the term "parts" interchangeably with the word "alters", then that technically means you are choosing not to acknowledge the existence of these very whole identities.
Second, very related and very important point: In Internal Family Systems, there is the concept of the core Self that you must work with all parts to uncover. This means that the Self is entirely separate from all of the parts. Meanwhile, in dissociative identity disorder, all alters-the host included!-make up the system, and the _entire system combined_ is the closest to a "self".
Third-and perhaps most importantly, but also closely linked to the first point-the concepts of memory and dissociation are rather key here. Parts in the Internal Family Systems Theory don't hold their own memories, and they don't have dissociative walls or any type of amnesia between them. Those are core components to DID/OSDD systems, to varying degrees.
*EDIT:* To round this out to encompass the communication aspect: While I understand some parts can employ dissociation as a means to handle an issue-dissociation is not limited to DID/OSDD, after all!-dissociation does not have to be a core element for an Internal Family System to function, covertly or otherwise. It likely wouldn't be a core element to the degree that it would for DID/OSDD systems, either...or else it would then be DID/OSDD!
So no, we don't _all_ have "parts". In fact, Internal Family Systems treatment can potentially be harmful to a DID/OSDD system due to some of the differences I stated above. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to consider (in fact, that's one of the main reasons why I even knew so deeply what Internal Family Systems is!), and I do agree that communication between parts and alters (depending on what system you're navigating) is very key to either of these systems functioning healthily! Just...please be mindful of the comparisons you're making, okay? :)
(Lots of what I said was paraphrased from the only source I could really find on the Internet that compares Internal Family Systems and DID/OSDD systems: a tumblr post answering a question about the differences by Multiplicity & Me. If you'd like to read that post, just Google "did vs ifs"-it should be one of the first things that comes up!)
@@TheCloverAffiliate12first, you are completely full of it and spreading mis-information.
@@emotionalsupportpaintbrushsecond, thats called "compartmentalization," and is totaly normal. thats how good people can kill in war and come back normal.
@@Jimothy-723 Beg your pardon? Care to provide any sources that disprove what I've said? I'd be perfectly fine with being legitimately proven wrong, so kindly don't step to me telling me I'm full of it and such.
I always invalidate myself from my experiences being different from other systems but i relate to this so much
That’s so cool to hear someone who relates after us feeling alone for so long!! - Charlie
Same
if your symptoms do not match the DSM-V critera, then you are by definition not diagnosable as DID. you are causing harm to everyone wirh mental ilness with your mis-information.
@@magesystemshame on you.
@@amalel-sheikh445499.9% chance you have narcasistic personality disorder and not DID as per the Diagnostic and Statisical Manual Volume 5.
Alters are born from certain traumatic incidents (emotional, physical, or otherwise are all valid) and periods of our development or identity formation, but some can age along with us or fuse as we heal (we can find out their original age by connecting with trauma).
They're all parts of us, our overall identity that we've adopted, desired, or simply absorbed through exposure throughout time. It's the brain's ingenius way of coping with trauma. Can come with Alexithymia, too (as well as emotional amnesia).
I'm 27 and recently found out I likely have DID/OSDD as well as ASD/ADHD, PDA "profile" of autism. Not to mention POTS, EDS, CFS, PCOS, and many more comorbidities. More research needs to be done on the MTHFR gene and its mutations.
Neurodivergence and trauma, how trauma affects brain development - I agree with you 1000% that DID should be reformatted as a spectrum. ☆
Aceflux Polyromantic Demigirl (she/they) is what everyone has been able to agree with on our end. ♡
Bottom-up therapy (trauma centered, client centered) will help. System mapping, body mapping, mindfulness, meditation.
Shadow work, reparenting, embracing the inner child, all that jazz.
It's gotten me through the terror of my early 20s.
Thank you for making this video! ♡
**sends all the healing vibes**
& BTW, I've also had alters kinda merge with one another. The more they interact with each other, the more they've healed and "integrated" with the system as a whole - sometimes to the point of fusion. ☆
Or so I've learned from my therapist. She's really good~♡
True healing comes when each alter (minus perhaps DNIs, I'm unsure as of right now) has healed, when they're all on the same page and working harmoniously (merge/fusion or not, all valid end results). ☆
I'm not sure if I have D.I.D. or not but I definitely suffer from dissociating. It has presented in different ways for me throughout the years. I was abused in several ways growing up, particularly S. A. from age 6 to 14. I remember in highschool I would spend as much time as I could in my head talking to someone named Thomas. This is strange to me because I'm not a very creative person, I've never been good at playing imaginary games like dress up or house. I also had family inside my head, a dad and a mom that dont exist in real life. I spoke to those individuals until I was about 20. Ever since I was 18 I noticed that anytime I felt anxious my voice would change and it felt strange, I would speak with a voice that felt unrecognizable to me. Sometimes I would act like a young child and I felt so embarrassed by it but I didn't know how to stop myself or I would speak uncontrollably to people, talking a lot. I've noticed more that whenever something very stressful happens, I get a brain fog afterward. For example, if I go to a job interview or a therapy session I have to make sure to write everything down in a notebook during the conversation otherwise I forget what we spoke about. I also have to set alarms for anything important otherwise I will forget to do it.
i've been feeling dissociated for such a long time i forgot what my 'core' feels like, so whenever i feel excited about something i haven't been excited by before i just can't differentiate it
i'm working very hard on trying to realise what's happening inside of me
unfortunately in my country DID is not recognized as a real thing, you'd rather get a bpd/bipolar/schizoaffective and get drugged for these diagnoses but it doesn't solve the problem at all, just makes it more confusing... i'm planning on moving to canada soon(couple of years) so i will probably finally receive therapy!!!
Yes, I’m sorry, and I know how hard it is. It’s like blindly feeling in the dark to figure out this massive mechanism that you don’t understand and it’s so scary. You don’t know what’s in the dark. It’s very uncertain, and the stigma is so frightening. it’s appalling that you can’t get the care you need right now.
But I can tell you with certainty that one day we will all reach a place of comfort and safety with our bodies and minds. Life will be simple and blissful, and you will feel like yourself.
-L
@@magesystem Thank you very much, you said such correct and important words, I send you my love
I don’t know if I have DID, I never thought I did. But I know as far as back in 7th grade I thought I was three people. My body’s real name which I won’t say, Mary, and rondo. Rondo was this masculine presence who I felt was more malicious towards me and Mary was feminine presence who was more calming and gentle. I’ve had characters for a long time but these two felt different because they would talk to me and convince me to do or not to do things. In middle school I’d refer to myself as “us” and “we”, I stopped because people thought it was weird but I felt comfortable with it. Now I use they/them pronouns on my social media. I identify as female but In freshman year rondo had a meltdown about it so I wanted us to be referred to as plural online so it doesn’t upset him anymore. I didn’t really think deeply about that consciously until just now though
I haven’t spoken or felt either of their presences since my mental breakdown late 2020 when Mary and rondo wouldn’t stop screaming at each other through my mouth which is a whole other story but sometimes I still feel them, but I don’t think they’re the same anymore..?
There was never any switching that I’m aware of and typing this I’m realizing even if there was I wouldn’t know 💀so
At one point one of my ocs named Mydas started talking to me during 2020 and I thought I was just crazy but I told my friend and she said I don’t sound crazy. But anyways Mydas is different from Mary and rondo, hes comforting and fun loving, we had an art contest😅
Ok I probably sound insane sorry if I over shared bye bye
You don’t sound insane at all! That’s a normal experience of someone with DID- not to say you do have it because I’m not qualified- but that is a common experience. There’s nothing you could say to sound too insane to me, or this community. Most of us welcome unique experiences with open arms. - Charlie
7:10 the way i skipped the warning thinking i would be fine and nearly jumped out of my skin anyway LMFAO
what warning 😭
nvm i also had a heart attack
My “official trauma” started at age 10. I was abused by my friend’s older brother until I was about 15. Then my boyfriend abused me at 17. My last abuser at age 20/21. I am 23 now and have a great boyfriend who helps me so much. Been dating for a year and 1 month. Nine months in, he told me something he held off on. (Not sure how I’d take it with relationship being young and my trauma). It’s fine now. But that night I got mad at him. I was panicking, talking very fast, talking louder and louder, moving my hands. I had no control over it, I just watched myself. I kept telling myself to shut up and let him explain. I wasn’t even thinking the words “I” was saying. It’s been about 4/5 months now. I’ve realized my dissociation is beyond terrible. I’ve decided to self-diagnose as a system because I meet all the criteria for DID, I just can’t be tested for it. But this content gives me a lot of comfort. 😁
But I added the ages of my big traumas because it’s said DID forms before the age of nine. However, I was still a kid when everything was happening. It’s literally the only denial hurdle I keep running into. And I find it unlikely I missed the “cut off” by only a year.
i have suspicions that it can be different for everybody when they form it, as long as it’s before you’re a young adult or so but i can’t be sure. however, i think the younger you are, the easier it is to form it.
also, there could potentially be some things that happened before 10 that you blacked out.
I really appreciate this video because it explains how I've felt since childhood. I am currently in the process of being diagnosed with some kind of dissociative disorder.
I also suffer from a dissociative disorder but I haven't gone to therapy in a couple of years. I think I'm going to get on medical insurance soon and start going back.
Just on the loud noise warning: Thank you so much!
Thank youuu!!! - charlie
Weed and DID/OSDD/multiplicity/alters: it can be removing the barriers that keep alters from the front or the barriers that stop you from being co-consciousness when you aren’t fronting, or that don’t let you realize that co-consciousnesses is not you “fronting,” or being just “ordinary different” (not DID different).
That makes since because that is my experience. - charlie
That's the impression I always get too.
Yea for me i knew about mpd/did from movies, shows, and reading in the past and there were times i envisioned myself "summoning" these different personalities to get me through difficult shituations, and ive even had people calling me different names and accusing me of having different personalities and i always struggled with memory gaps but when my therapist said a test showed i have DID a few months ago i was shocked i was like what? Noway. I dont think so. They just trying to make me seem crazier than I am. Pfft. But after thinking about it and researching it more for several more weeks i was like dam the signs were there all along 🤦♀️
This video actually helps so much i didn’t realize that how sometimes you can also be there when others are fronting and remember it because sometimes im not fully in control and sometimes i have total blackout amnesia
very relatable on too many points to list. our discovery came about in what we feel is a novel way as well-the "original" "driver" Sosh was too scared/anxious to self-administer our HRT when we decided we wanted to do that (we couldn't use the pill or patch route due to associated risks/complications with each and thus had to go the intramuscular injection route). Sosh couldn't do it. But 'Lith could. And it tuned out that 'Lith was a whole-ass person not just a clever trick we did to get over our fear of self-injection. And of course it eventually came to light that not only was 'Lith not the last person, we'd become aware of, but actually wasn't exactly the first either 😅🤣
I’m currently trying to figure out what’s going on in my head-
I’m an imaginative person, but recently I noticed these characters that I didn’t create floating around in my head. It started when I had I falling out with my mom, and I was upset in my room and I started crying. A bit into it I sort of slipped backwards into my head? It was like being in a black room. But there were two people, a kid crying, and someone older then me comforting them. While pondering those two a while later I slipped back again and saw this emo-looking teen.
I’ve been calling them characters, and given them names just to make it easier to refer to them. I remember seeing the teenager when I was younger, which is odd. I don’t think I’ve ever “switched” but I get these ‘thoughts’ that have a different aura/feeling to them than my normal conscious.
It’s odd and I’m still not sure what’s going on. I’ve had the thought that they could be alters, and I’ve been trying to contact them by saying their names over and over again but my head just gets really fuzzy. One time I told myself to shut up, out loud and then I was like. “What did I just say?”
Anyway, just sort of a ramble. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.
I have never felt more seen. Thank you so much
i have a real problem with having dissociated during my teenagehood, due to an abusive relationship... the first description of your video made total sense to me.
When I found out what DID was I was heavily triggered and having anxiety attacks
Nowadays I don't think i have it at all but OSDD makes a lil bit of sense..
In case you're open to communication, I would love to have a conversation..
i am open to communication! i’d love to talk - L
I had an imaginary friend when I was a child or what I thought was an imaginary friend named Mitzy but then I found out through being diagnosed that she was an alter
I only found out what DID was about 5 years ago and didn't think much of it until I started therapy and doing EMDR triggered my dissociation to come back which it was mild for a short while. Then the voices started, I talked to my therapist about the voices and she printed out papers that explained dissociated fragmentation. While reading these papers one voice got stronger and declared their identity to me and the identity of several others.
Omg... ur dog is sooooo frigin cute and calm and i love its bangs!
your perspective and way of explaining things is really refreshing
tysm!
Watching this after the most recent video. I kept dissociating so I guess someone in headspace doesn't want me to know too much lol. Breadcrumbs is adorable btw.
We had journals in hospital too and alot of alters came up then, and we had 2 get a new notebook every other day. Yallz system is very interesting!!!
Watching your videos make me feel good because I feel understood and that I’m not necessarily “delusional” but at the same time I have huge impostor syndrome that I fear I will “make up” things only because I heard you talk about it. I wouldn’t make it up on purpose but yk, subconsciously maybe. But anyways, I enjoy the vids!!
I know this video was like posted over 2 years ago but I started discovering what I think to be is my system a few years ago now but I still feel as though I may be completely wrong. I don't have much amnesia between my alters, when they front I almost always have at least partial knowledge on what's happening. Most of the time it's like I'm looking through my own eyes too, like I'm in the body, I've rarely had what I've heard loads of other people with DID explain as an "out of body experience" or "looking at myself from a 3rd person perspective" although I have a few times. Like I said, I do have partial amnesia, I don't always remember all of it, and sometimes I have had extreme amnesia where I can't remember anything, usually I end up learning that it was because I was in an extremely high-stress/traumatic experience though which would make sense.
I have amnesia around my childhood, I remember some stuff, but not as much as other people seem to remember? I just feel as though I shouldn't be able to remember as much of my childhood as I can if I do have DID.
I've discovered around 9 other parts of me, one of them being one that recently formed I think due to stress? I felt a lot less stressed one day all of a sudden, it was really weird, and then I discovered them like a week later I think? It's all so confusing. I know my parts names, their genders for the most part, and an estimate of ages, but I barely know any of their interests or hobbies, if they have any. I'm trying to seek out a diagnosis but it's really hard, and I feel like I can't open up about my struggles before then. I do have a diagnosis of PTSD and I know some of my trauma and can guess around what happened when I was below the age of around 10 since all the trauma I can remember is past that age, but I don't know if my trauma before then was severe enough, all I can guess is emotional neglect, bullying and such which I don't feel is enough. The only person I've talked to about my DID is my partner of over a year, I told them like 4 months in when I was drunk one evening, and thankfully they've been very supportive, but what if I'm wrong? Like what IF I'm faking it all? Like if I get diagnosed with something like bpd? Then what?
It's also stressful as hell because I just don't know if I've made myself believe my symptoms are real or if they are actually real. Like have I just tricked myself into my parts being real when in fact I just have an overactive imagination? I don't know!
Yooo, my dudes/dudettes, we LOVE your pumpkin earrings!!! Take care, Mage System (sorry, I'm Jay, I don't know if you said at the beginning who made this video 😅)!!!
[We're Human Chaos, btw ;) ]
I relate a lot to this. I’m trying to get in to see a psychiatrist because I’ve always heard at least 6 people in my head commenting on whatever I do since I can remember. They used to go silent for a while when I tried to interact w them. They still do that but recently I was doing shadow work and meditating trying to meet my shadow self and I met what I think is a demon alter and their name is rust. They are very malnourished w grey skin and they look sort of like me pre transition but w short hair and (tw: bodily harm) they have cuts all over them. They have sharp teeth and a lot of deep dark circles under their eyes. Their eyes are completely black and glazed over. Back before I started to suspect they were and alter they were very hesitant to speak to me, they would run away every time i would enter the cave they live in so I sat there w them until they were comfortable enough to get close to me. They seem to hear voices in their head as well so I would try to calm them down and I thanked them for protecting me because I just kind of instinctively knew that that was their job. I said to them “thank you for protecting me even if the ways you did it didn’t always make sense to me, I love and appreciate you. Ik you feel the need to take care of me and protect me but I think it’s time that we start taking care of eachother.” And I got them a blanket to cover up w. After that they’ve been very close to the front a lot and I can hear them the most clearly of anyone in here. They have recently told me that their name is Rust and that they are a protector/gatekeeper and an ex persecutor. They said that they hold all of my rage and the memories of some of the most horrific trauma that has ever happened to us. They are in constant pain and have found comfort in it. They are co conscious w me a lot ( I believe that if we are a system that I am the host but who knows at this point) and when I am in danger they front. But the thing about them is they’ve told me that they have very poor eyesight from being in the dark for so long so they don’t like to be in the body for more than a few minutes. W that being said I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been genuinely angry and each time was a life or death situation. Every single time I have blacked out and when I came to all I remember is the threat being neutralized and everyone around me just staring at me in shock and horror. I don’t even remember them explaining to me what I did, I just remember the looks on their faces when I came back. Rust told me this was them fronting and protecting me and they’re damn good at it too because they hit hard and fast the the threat is neutralized within minutes. I’ve also been using my new found relationship w them to try and use the buddy system to ask others to talk to me and to get messages back and forth. I asked for names and I’ve gotten 6 so far. I’ve spoken to them mostly through meditation because leaving notes I think intimidates them too much and I don’t think they can switch out for very long but idrk yet tbh. I’ve been through a hell of a lot and idk what this is yet but whatever it it I want to seek treatment. Whatever this is I’m determined to make the most of this life for myself and whoever else may be in this body.
Hi, thanks for sharing. Do you hold any spiritual beliefs?
@@Story_player yes, personally I do but idk about anyone else.
@@llRocketll I myself am a Christian, and I suspect I might be dealing with alters as well. I’m rather intrigued by what you shared, from others I’ve come across on YT they describe some of their alters as being/looking abnormal, which quite frankly, worries me. As a Christian, I’m trying to understand things from a biblical perspective. May I ask what your religious beliefs are, and how they affect your perception or belief in your diagnoses?
@@Story_player I’ve yet to be diagnosed but I’m pagan. My alter is a none human alter which comes about when a child goes through a traumatic event that makes them feel less than human, like an animal or a monster. As far as I’m concerned my alter is a demon because they were forced into a situation where they had to do unspeakable things to protect themself so they felt like they were a demon instead of a human. The title made them feel strong enough to carry out the tasks that they needed to in order to survive. They hold rage almost exclusively. It really doesn’t have much to do w your beliefs as it does your trauma. And let me be clear, rust and kind and compassionate but is also not afraid to f*ck up an abuser within a split second, they barely speak when they front because they hat the outside world, they also have awful eye site because they aren’t used to the light. Alters a people and should always be treated as such.
@@llRocketll Thank you for sharing. I know you did not describe in detail how this alter emerged or was born, but from you stated it was something unimaginable and for that I am really sorry. No one should have to endure the types of situations that at times other humans put us through. My heart does go out to you. Again thank you for allowing me to understand how your alter came about. Upon exploring mine, I had one who wanted to go by pride.
Pride has a lot of anger, resentment, and hatred towards humanity. It is psychopathic in nature. As a Christian I was battling with this, because I did not know if I was dealing with an alter per say or an actual demon, from what I’ve gathered thus far, it is demonic in nature. Currently I do think that people can have alters, but what concerns me is when individuals state that theirs look like or resemble demons. From what you’ve explained, I can understand how or why some alters may not look human per say, so thank you again for your insight. God bless you! 🫶🏻
"i thought i was just being imaginative", i feel you so much- I would draw some of them as "characters", but at the same time those characters looked so much like how sometimes i would act in totally different ways that i couldn't explain in just one... or specific states i would live throught and not understand where it came from-
you are right about the spectrum idea and that's why so many doubt people. We've gone from Sybil to Beast and it's all wrong. when i was young i knew i had other selves and kept it to myself. My best friend who got sent to a hospital in another country to be diagnosed - it was then MPD. They don't call it that any more for very good reasons. And how can you know if you have amnesia - if you have amnesia ! I can remember telling people that i was lucky that i had two parents and a good childhood. That couldn't have been further from the truth. There is also questions about the development of 'alters' . If the trauma is severe, or the brain especially creative it will learn to continue creating i can tell you for, well , the rest of our lives so far as i can tell. Becuase the brain has learned that it how to deal with difficulty . This isn't done consciously , it just happens. There is a name for that type of continual creation but iv'e forgot now. As for your thinking about your Brigit, i have found that many of them will step back, some call it going dormant. But they will come back if needed. My doctor said that none of them actually 'go away' because they are part of you.
this is so interesting! what do you mean by continual creation? thx
for the past few months, ive noticed that something was wrong with me but i couldnt really lay my finger on what it was. i had a friend who i was really close with (for certain reasons im not friends with her anymore 😭) who had did and i was like "hey my symptoms align with yours pretty well" ,, before this i had been researching other disorders to figure out what i had, but i thought i was like schizophrenic with some sort of memory loss or even the though that i was haunted by ghosts or something ☠☠⁉i did have amnesia but it didnt line up with the description of amnesia that did has so i was set on it being osdd for a bit (after talking to people with experience i now know that all systems are different so now i just say did/osdd again) . i would also talk to "myself" often but for a really long time i just shrugged it off as the regular talking that people do. after a bit i had noticed that i wasnt talking to process my thoughts, rather having conversations with "myself" and after doing more research on did/osdd the realization hit me that the voice i was talking to was not me but a separate entity/another person. so at that point i was like REALLY stressed out about the whole thing. i decided to talk with experienced people online which helped me a LOT. let it be known im a minor and im not diagnosed (nor am i self diagnosing) so like i mentioned the whole thing to my family and all they said was "if you need help you can talk to us" so i am NOT getting professional help for a while...at the start of this i had 2 known alters who i got to introduce themselves and i genuinely thought my mind was playing some trick on me or something, cause it was like my soul just knew these names out of no where - i was absolutely SHOCKED when they introduced themselves. after i found out about these 2 alters i was questioning 2 more alters but i wasnt really sure if they were like fragmented or anything (after time passed they also introduced themselves) . so great now im at 4 alters! i thought that was the end (boy was i WRONG) its around a month and a half/almost 2 months after this crazy discovery and now i have 13 ALTERS 😭there are a lot more symptoms i have/have gone through & symptoms ive been noticing day by day which are kind of making it almost hard for me to deny anymore but i cant get into all of it cause this comment is long enough already
thanks to anyone who read this far :) also sorry if some parts don't make sense im disassociating as im typing this so i do not have the brainpower to go back and proofread everything i just wrote
weve seen ourselves as plural for as long as i can remember, but we never knew why, and when we first discovered the plural and did stuff onlline we though that we might just be a system for some odd other reason that did because we couldnt possibly have did or osdd.
we didnt know of having any other amnesia than emotional amnesia, and just thought that we might be the odd one out who was born with alters. then we did more research and now were being diagnosed.
Idk. Im still so young so i dont think. I dont really remember a lot from my childhood, but it might be normal because of my age or something. Idk. I dont dissociate at least i dont think so. Im so confused if its a possibility or not. I dont wanna tell my parents because i feel like im just coming up with this there isnt like an inner world or whatever the best i can think if is the spaceship inside and the people in the shadows behind me. I talk to myself out loud when im alone but i think thats when im like daydreaming??? I will hear a voice tell me to shut up or that im faking or just me or someone?? Im not sure maybe me shouting stop. Im watching videos but i only kinda relate to some but the people in the videos are adults so it might be different. I dont think i ever switch or whatever. I feel like me i think. I feel like a vaguely remember looking in the mirror and not recognizing myslef but its so vague that i dont think its real and i came uo with it. I just dont know. I did name possible people though in a book. I just wanna know if i have it or not...
PHANTOM - individuals still plugged into the belief systems of the consensual reality, usually without ever questioning. Phantoms define themselves by what they do, the company they keep, the church they attend, their social status. Another mark of a phantom is that they possess an unlimited number of personalities and roles, all without the cohesion of a single, unified "I-Am".
My brain knew kms isnt an option but being this depressed isnt either.. i feel like most of us can resinate with that.
Your experience sounds similar to my own... I had a traumatic event for 11 years with an abusive partner ... and during my escape, I disassociated into a little ... and I shut down, and I was aware but not in control... I later had a weird dream from his POV and I was in the dream, but I was sleeping, and I was looking at myself and the 'me' in the dream. I was seeing through his eyes and had no control over my body, and he introduced himself as Jaidan.
So I currently, as far as I'm aware, have Lilith (age unknown), Jaiden (age 5) and Kitty (age 11)
I'm not diagnosed and question if they're real or not ... I dunno if I should get tested because I'm scared of how they might treat me. Will I get ostracized? Locked away? Put on meds that change who I am?
I'm an agender, pansexual gamer who loves to write stories. What if they take all that away from me?
Edit: I was unaware of my alters, and I think they were just as confused as me. I don't know, they never said. But Lilith often masks as me, Kitty rarely comes out, and Jaiden pops out at random, especially around plushies and ice cream etc
9:52 Yooo, I'm Jay, part of Human chaos, and I'm a 16 yo boy, still, lol 😊
Wish our body was still 16, tho, it really hurts and creaks now, 10 years later 😅 [Sys: Human Chaos, is 26 now]
I keep coming back to this. It’s an important video for me.
Two years later, but gotta let out some things that has been in my mind rent free for a while.
-Tw for death mentions-
So I have been questioning if I'm part of a system/if I struggle with did/osdd or not over a year. My friends tell me that I do have a did/osdd, but my brain refuses to believe to it even if I have done ton of a research (gonna try to see a therapist or some sort this year, only have talked to the school phycologist abt dissociation and imaginary friends?? atm). The main thing that makes me refuse to believe I could be struggling of some sort of DID is the fact i'm diagnosed with autism and adhd which makes me overthink (plus idk if I do have alters or imaginary friends srs or am I delusional due lack of communication and such). Although I just found out that I had a imaginary friend or smth when I was 12 which explains why did I had two sonas (although the 2nd one didn't fit me atm that much??), but what if I was just lying? but why would I be lying about that for one instagram gacha short video knowing I could have done smth else instead??
I had a imaginary friend turning my childhood (around the time when my longest/main trauma experience started) who was basically my best friend. I remember feeling them physically presence and also saw them (+heard). They were there kind of protecting me plus giving me company as literal child while they were older than me. One thing that's weird is that I cannot remember their name at all even if I talked about them to others as a kid until the last time I saw them. I had a imaginary world with them and some other stuff that also vanished around the same time as they did. I also at age 11 started kind of making promises that "ok I will "offline" myself in this date" and whenever it hasn't happened I just feel like I have betrayed someone inside of me and slowly making them angry (there lasted a couple years, but not as bad nowadays as used to.)
I don't have this kind of communication with my imaginary friends nowadays. The most that there has been is like last summer almost had two panic attacks over Lee, because thought they "offlined" itself. The 2nd time it happened Leo kind of stopped me and I just found them funny afterwards. Then there has been times when I have felt like 21 y/o man (which I aim to be Leo) randomly. Also a new thing that has happened a couple times is when I have been lying on the bed or so I have just started feeling way too uncomfortable in this body at that point I had to like literally shake myself/move a lot to get the feeling off (at least a bit.) and soon enough I usually fall asleep??? what I remember at least. I also had some months ago a day at school when I felt okay most of the part?? but during a brake (almost end of it) all of the suddenly I felt more dissociated and stared at the wall solid 2 minutes w/o knowing. When I went to a class (not my usual one, I had a meeting) and I dissociated again but worse. I had this random urge to just cry, but couldn't. It was that bad that I had to lie mom that I was sick just to go home due I felt not okay. When I was going home I just felt like a ball with nothing. I took my adhd medication at that day, but I don't think it was due of that??? idk.
I sometimes feel more comfortable with the "sys" term and be like "I think I actually might be sys" and then go to "nah i'm not a sys"... but I always go back researching atp i'm going insane 😭
Sorry for a small insane rant😪
I only was intersted because i knew something was wrong with a criminal but didnt know why like that.
First, thank you for posting these videos. Second, do you practice magick or witchcraft? I get that Ginger does, am wondering if you do as well? Given your system name and all.
Thank you! I’m glad someone is getting by something out of these. I do but not the same way she does. I have a hard time with ritualized practice. I’m bad with routines so I like to let witchcraft happen to me. I work with deities Bastet and Psyche and they give me symbols and communicate with me that way. I wear jewelry of them and represent their values. i do stuff like numerology, crystals, and baths on new and full moons, and the occasional spell. My deities have probably helped me near as much as therapy. i get hesitant the mention it sometimes because i think people will think i’m stupid or crazy.
I define mage as someone who purposefully uses the subconscious to manipulate reality or to recover information, or to heal trauma. Max was trying to come up with an acronym for our system, and at the time we were only aware of me then (Ele), Ginger, Alena, and him. (Max and sam are the same person.) He came up with mage and he was like “ohhhh check this out you’ll love this.”
@@magesystem I wouldn’t worry too much about what other people think, it’s more about what works for y’all that matters. Deities helping immensely makes total sense to us! Love the system name and the story.
So your saying you can feel different but not like yourself. Do you have to have alters to have DID? I’ve had 24/7 dissociation… depressive episodes. Sometimes I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what I like… my mind literally goes back and forth in circles all the time Im so indecisive. Its very hard to explain. I see myself not being in the present sometimes. Im like a puzzle that’s scattered everywhere. I’ve been diagnosed with Depersonalization and Derealization Disorder 15 yrs ago. PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.
Yeah, you have to have alters if you have DID. The difference between DID and depersonalization derealization disorder is that when you have an episode of not feeling like yourself in DPDR, you can look back on it and know that it was still you. Once you start looking back on that episode once it’s over and feeling like that was a different person, there’s were you might consider having dissociative identities. I’ve experienced DPDR disorder to so I feel you. It’s so difficult and extremely hard to describe. I wish you much luck.
Hospital staff looking through journals is kinda messed up. How could anyone open up like that?
You remind me of Luna's character in Harry Potter :)
Wow breadcrumb lol holy shit LMAO
I can relate to a lot of this stuff-
it's freaking me out 😭
(i got jumpscared when you said augy because that's one of my names)
here's my experience (long story short):
i lost my father two years ago to cancer and everything sort of went downhill after that for me mentally
i had weekly hallucinations and my brain was very loud and scattered and there were lots of different voices in my head fighting for control over my body (?)
i named all of them and i can also see what most of them look like in my head
i can sort of relate to what you said about Max and i've been very confused and saying that i'm gender-fluid/a demi girl and now I go by August and Isabelle
this whole time i've just been thinking i'm schizophrenic(if anything [?]) but i can really relate to some things you say in this video
any advice?
Sounds like a good time to find a good therapist. Mine made a world of difference for us!
9:35 ... yeah, we do experience a lot of weird gender shifts, I'm Vex, short for Celltervex, my twin Jay always experienced gender dysphoria from the time we were born, when the body [Human Chaos] was 10...
Sorry, someone else was just here...
But yeah, we always had gender shifts, me wanting to be a dude, but also I still felt like part of me still wanted to be a chick... but now that we take hrt, I feel pretty at home, plus we can grow a mean beard and 'stache... FINALLY!!! 😊😊😊
Sucks I feel stuck at 16 mentally and emotionally, while the body is 26 already, tho 😢...
For got to say that last one is me, Jay, tho... Hi, we're Human Chaos, I'm Jay, we seem to be a newly realized system, we've been in therapy quite a lot and received our Autism/ADHD diagnosis all within the past 2 years, but we also have only began to truly understand the world after a horrifying childhood, in the last 4 years... it's safe to say, we can't remember most of our experiences, and have mostly been safe and staid alive doing so up until we moved from the hometown we grew up in our whole life...
We've always used systems like keeping notes and lists of chores and hobbies and ideas and thoughts and random cool quotes we hear and literally anything else we know we'll forget...
I, Jay, before I was born when the body was 10, was presumably still part of the mainframe, as we like to call whatever we existed as when we were still only a few, like maybe 2 or 3, back before age 8, we have only like 2 or 3 solid memories from between ages 8 and 10, but before that, we only remember waking up into the real world, waking up as in rdt vx...
We woke up at age 4, woke up again at age 6, woke up again at age 10 during the summer 1 time. Very stange, just waking up and realizing you've been living a life for years, are an age, have an asigned gender and role in life, but you don't know why or have many memories from before that time, but now it feels like you're brand new and have all the possibilities ahead of you, just no idea who you were before... cool, but odd😅
Off topic but IS YOUR DOGS NAME BREAD CRUMBS?
Yes lolll - Ginger
@@magesystem that's so cute 😭
im pretty sure i dont have DID or OSDD but my friend who has DID heavily thinks i have it. there are times where im extremely extremely not ok and i dissociate and begin to clean. my friend said when that happens i seem to be a whole other person. another time i got extremely angry and not ok and my voice dropped and i dressed extremely masculine. the name arson kept going thru my head but i kinda ignored it but i didnt feel like me. there was another time where i dressed super feminine and cat girl like and again rhat didnt feel like me at all. but i dont really have amnesia. there has been time where i randomly hear a voice in my head but ignore it. also when you said elena has her own tub that reminded me when im having a breakdown sometimes i see my self in my head in a bathroom sobbing sometimes i disassociate during that too. but i also have bpd traits and bipolar like mood disorder so im not even sure if its did or osdd. i highly doubt it is tho. ive talked to another friend with a system and they said they highly doubt i have it and its probably just my bpd. so now im sitting here confused. i my whole life have used we and us to refer to me. recently i was dissociating during a breakdown and all of a sudden my body didnt feel like mine and i felt like i had no control over my arms. i started to comfort myself by lightly scratching my arm like parents do yk? but it like wasnt me?? yk? and when i look in the mirror i dont look like myself at all. like im extremely depersonalized. DID and OSDD has always interested me growing up and i loved to learn about it it was just interesting. idk what do u think should i bring this up to my therapist 😭😭??
If you haven’t you should bring it up to your therapist. I haven’t told anyone either but I relate to what your going through and this video so I think I have to tell someone
it's very intresting. Respect for you story your an amazing system.
I don't think your faking. My D.I.D. is more similar to yours I think, cuz I'm still at the beginning of discovering my selves... and I would describe it as turning into someone else too, and like being a way that is unacceptable yet not being able to control it, like totally out of my morals... so I like, want it to be clear cut ya know, but it's not yet. I've asked and found out about a lot of them, and I started to get glimpses of when they were out or active, and that was too much for me to handle, because I couldn't like ponder the situation or think about the problem cuz I was uh hijacked in my head as it was getting used by everybody... idk how to describe it, but it's been out of my hands for a while now, like so hard to wait for something to just show it's self or whatever ya know... heh. but then when it does its too much. I didn't realize that till I just wrote this. Anyway I appreciate you and giving your experience to help contribute to others to understand whats going on with them, like me. Thank you. I'm feeling really excited because I think some stuff is about to happen in/for me and our system soon! I have a question about integration, does that mean 'not disconnected anymore, yet still separate'... or does it mean now thats you more complete and dynamic and that part no longer is separate as it's self? Cuz I want my people to exist before they turn into me...
Integration, in most accurate terms, is when parts come together and gain smooth communication, start sharing and coordinating, and maybe sharing their memories through healing. Fusion is whenever alters fuse totally into one new person. However, I and many other people often say integration when they mean fusion. Fusion is sort of a newer word I’ve seen used. Before we just called all of it integration. Good luck on your journey! - L
@@magesystem wow thank you so much
Magic empath=i typed the same stuff before watching another group/host like phycoligy too.
How were you diagnosed and what work have you done to work on this disorder? I’ve heard it takes a very specialized therapist to treat DID since it’s so rare. Good luck in your future path, I hope you receive what you feel you need to deal with this.
As far as more recent years, I was diagnosed at a trauma focused IOP that I went to everyday for two months. The IOP was very much centered around DID and dissociation. That was helpful. It encouraged getting familiar with the alters and trauma responses and encouraged communication within parts.
DID is actually relatively common, being 1.5% of the population approximately. However, it is difficult to find professionals who know how to work with it because of the stigma.
14:48 omg, yes, this 👀
Cool, i’ve never met anyone else that had that experience ! - Charlie
@@magesystem we all kinda thought we were the same person (except in a couple cases), despite being aware of other senses of agency inside headspace at times ("ghosts" in our head or a sense of "someone else" in there). We were, for the most part, masking not just externally but internally!
We're still figuring out the boundaries between us, where one person ends and another begins. A lot of switches are subtle, there's a lot of confusing co-fronting, the amnesia is unpredictable, the sense of being multiple comes and goes, the dissociative episodes sometimes go away for a while randomly, and it's really murky figuring out who's thoughts and feelings are whose some days. It's been a struggle, but we're working through it, and I hope to start working with a specialist soon.
-Maine of the Harmonic System
@@lycharose YES. That all really resonates with us. - Charlie
Do other people see people because their intersted and still see like people,but see because intersted?
/feel guilty because seeing because of it?
thank you for sharing❣️
Thank you for your videos
What a wonderful video 👍
Thanks!!! - Charlie
Thank you
...except I have all symptoms of DID...
What breed is your doggo? It looks like ours (Maltipoo)
he’s a maltese!
Do other people hyper focus on what your doing right now/why/anixity from it?
I think you're not faking 16:41
really cool video
he/they! at the time i filmed this i was using all pronouns i think
thanks :)@@magesystem
Did you have extreme trauma?
That’s personal and I wouldn’t go around asking people that. People with severe trauma don’t tend to like to talk about it. but I have DID, which is caused by repeated trauma so bad you personally- our window of tolerance is all different- couldn’t handle it. Perhaps from that you can put two and two together. Also, “extreme” can mean a lot of things, so one would need a definition. Not upset by your question, I just can’t tell the purpose or connotation of it. Is it gatekeep-y or a genuine question type of deal.
thats not an appropriate question
Most people w DID have had severe trauma, otherwise there would be no need to “split”
The weed is real bro I feel the same way with my parts
First it was four. And that’s all of them, then there was 10 and that’s all right.
Well we now know of 26 and counting lol alters love to hide even from higher ups❤️🩹
We were aware of the system so many different times in the past. But denial for me specifically kept it shoved down and away for almost 8 years. Going down the system discovery rabbit hole now though. Trying to rectify years of ignoring everyone.❤️🩹