Monologo de Gato - La historia de mis Nueve Vidas

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Ah, you came just in time. I was just about to tell the story of my nine lives. Yes, I've lived them all, and let me tell you, it hasn't exactly been easy being a black cat. Humans have been weird to me for centuries, thanks to their superstitions. Buckle up, folks. This is going to be an adventure.
Life 1: Ancient Egypt - The VIP Era This life? Amazing. I was basically a celebrity. Black cats like me were treated like royalty. People believed we were magical guardians and if you killed a cat back then, you were punished with death. Yeah. That's how much we were loved. I was lounging in palaces, getting grapes and belly rubs from pharaohs. Good times. Then, of course... came life number two. Things got weird.
Life 2: Medieval Europe - The Dark Times Fast forward to the Middle Ages. Suddenly, I wasn't cool anymore. People thought I was bad luck and called me a "witch's familiar." Some people even believed that witches could turn into black cats, which is honestly flattering. I mean, I'm mystical like that. But yeah, bad press. If I crossed paths with them, people would freak out like I'd just cursed their entire family tree. And let's not talk about witch hunts. Hard life. I'm not a fan.
Life 3: The Salem Witch Trials - We Meet Again You'd think they'd let a cat have a break, but no. Salem comes around and the hysteria gets worse. If you were a woman with a black cat, people were ready to call you a witch and dunk you in a pond. I mean, what's a cat supposed to do? Not spend time with lonely women who love us? This whole era was pure chaos. My third life ended when someone threw me in a river to "test if I could swim." mistake I couldn't.
Life 4: Pirate Ships - The Hustle on the High Seas Arr, dude! This time it's not all bad. On pirate ships, black cats were considered good luck. Finally, some respect! Sailors believed I could ward off storms and ensure safe voyages. Honestly, most of the time I just chased rats and stole the captain's food. But hey, if they wanted to worship me again, who was I to argue? Until, of course, we ran into a storm... Let's just say life ended with a splash.
Life 5: Victorian England: Lots of mood swings?
Now this one was confusing. Some people thought I brought good luck if I showed up on their doorstep. Others thought I was an omen of death. Make up your mind, people! I spent half my life being pampered and the other half being chased around with brooms. Victorian drama. They couldn't leave me alone. One time, someone poured salt on their shoulders when I walked by. You know... just in case.
Life 6: Hollywood: A Star Is Born Ah, the age of cinema. You've seen me, right? I'm a horror icon. Whenever they needed a creepy cat to sit in the background of a haunted house or sneak around a graveyard under a full moon, boom!, that was me. I've also worked with some big names. Dracula? Great guy. Spielberg? He terrified me. This life ended in a... let's say "accident" on a film set involving a clumsy intern and a smoke machine. Next life, please.
Life 7: Modern Suburbs: The Danger of Halloween Living in the suburbs around Halloween? It's stressful. I can't tell you how many times I've been "rescued" from animal shelters because people think I'm in danger during spooky season. Look at me, I'm fine! I don't need to be locked up for three weeks just because you think teenagers might "do something weird." The only threat to me is how awful your front porch decorations are. Also, pumpkin spice lattes are overrated. There I said it.
Life 8: Instagram Fame: Living the Life of an Influencer This was a weird life. I became an Instagram influencer. My humans would dress me up and make me pose for likes. I mean, they put bat wings on me. Do you know how humiliating that is? But hey, the free catnip was nice. I also got to travel a bit: Paris, Tokyo, New York. Life was good… until one day they tried to make me wear a lobster costume. That was the end of that life. I have standards, okay?