For me, my people-pleasing ended when I finally set boundaries. I just saw this today. "I used to tolerate a lot because I did not want to lose people. Now I establish boundaries because I do not want to lose myself". How incredibly fitting for this video!
@@rnt45t1Instead of finding a friend, be a friend. While meeting a stranger act like you already know them. Do conversation not because you want anything but because of having 'fun'. In that way you will stop 'pleasing' them.
@@rnt45t1I can relate to that, but still there can a balance between isolating completely and socializing. For me I simply cut out the people I don't care about, those can be your classmates whom you call "friends", colleagues, relatives, etc and just stick around my immediate family and 3-4 close friends. Here, making some sacrifices for the purpose of socializing was definitely worth it. In the end we are social beings, we need connections to have a fulfilling life. Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to express myself. Hope you have a great day!!
I’ve been a people pleaser for 61 years until I recently had a very vivid dream that I was rushing around a vast airport terminal trying to make everyone a cup of tea with my tiny travel kettle. It was so apocryphal. This video is very well timed for me. Many thanks for your wisdom.
Great sharing Thanks.I am also 61 and had a similar Airport dream . I was minding all the luggage while people got their food and whatever.I missed my plane ✈️ because of the disorganisation of others.Similar theme.Time to look after ourselves.😊
Umm dont get it personal But do you know what you got? "The boot licker title" You see? I still can name you despite the good things you have done You cant escape it, be nice be mean be everthing, you still can be blamed and named and disliked
I only recently discovered I was raised by my narcissistic mother and angry, alcoholic stepfather to be a chronic people pleaser with no development of personal boundaries. So a lifetime of allowing people to take everything from me, leave me empty and exhausted and then complain when I didn’t give them even more. I have no issues saying no to people now but I realised I still put others first before myself. I was spending too much and doing too much for others and wondering why I never had any money or any peace. When I discovered the philosophy of the Stoics, it changed my life. I’m still quite new to it all but I have seen huge improvements in my mental state and how I deal with people who push at my boundaries. Now I stop them cold whenever others try to run bad behaviour over me. I’m also having fun giving to myself emotionally, spiritually and financially and not giving a toss about what others think of me or whether they get angry at me for not being a doormat to them. Finding joy in the little things and the big things in my life has been life changing too
@rnt45t1 that used to be me. Grew up with no family, so spent years people pleasing to find someone to love me. When I tried to stop people pleasing and create boundaries I lost friends, moved away my abusive partner and ended up living alone. Some days felt like torture. Watching the clock in a silent house, the crying never stopped. Stayed in bed. Weeks of despair dragged on. I wanted to die. A lonely life felt pointless. Wrote a will. Planned my way out. Welcoming death is what saved me in the end. I truly stopped caring what others thought of me. I thought if I'm gonna die alone I might as well enjoy it and make the best of it. And in that process of enjoying my "remaining time", I became my own best friend, turned people pleasing into me-pleasing and ended up finding love in myself, truly. Now I love my life, I'm actually living my best life, Ive created healthy friendships, i enjoy my own company, i dont "need" anyone to make me happy, and i don't want to die as I have plans and goals for the future again that I'm actively working on. I think they call this process an ego death. I had to surrender.
I've eventually stopped people-pleasing, it made me feel weak and codependent and like I was wasting my life, no more! Self-love is the ultimate way of being of service to others and yourself without losing yourself in the process.
I agree. It's like the saying goes; in an aeroplane, in an emergency, you put on your mask first, then you are better placed to help others. If you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else.
People pleasing/fawning is actually a trauma response! Pete Walker talks about it in his book about Complex-PTSD. It’s a survival strategy to avoid conflict by mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of others. It’s exhausting and painful to constantly silence yourself and push your emotions away, all while working overtime to anticipate the emotions of other people. I know, because I do it all the time… it’s getting better but it’s a process. Self-compassion and patience are the key. ❤️🙏✨
I am a people pleaser. I married a woman my father wanted me to marry. Even though my gut told me no. The marriage lasted over two years until my gut told me that I needed to leave this marriage because I was miserable. After my marriage ended, I slowly distanced myself from my family. I am from the Indian subcontinent. I decided not to swim in the Indian Ocean and started to swim in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. In other words, my friends/ family are Chinese, Vietnamese, Japaneses, Peruvian, Filipino, American, Russian. I have never been happier.
@@AthulVijayfreakinawesome Yes, I was told as a child to be a good boy. If I spoke up, my family shamed and gaslighted me. I remained a good boy with my family even after moving to the US. I did not know who I really was.
I used to be a people pleaser all my life and suffered from it without even realizing it. When i was a kid, i used to be the "good boy". I listened to my parents, i obeyed when they said no and i didn't argue. Whenever i disobeyed for the slightest things, i'd get severely reprimanded which reinforced the people pleaser side of me. What i realized 20 years later was that i was known from other perspectives as a "nice guy". A regular bland nice guy with nothing more to it which shook me. Then a phrase i heard that sealed the change was that "We are all someone else's a$$hole or d*head". That one just straight up executed the people pleaser in me after realizing that not only i was killing my authentic self but also that in the end, it was a pointless unending battle.
I grew up with mean people. I hung out with mean people. Then I worked with nice people. It took me a while to become nice. Now I actively avoid mean people. It's more subtle than that, but here I am, actively saying "that's not what I want in my life, this is who I am." Terrifying, but real. My idea of boundaries has changed dramatically.
Mean people was what you considered "normal" until you met nice people. Sounds similar to a culture shock - nice people seemed foreign until you got used to it.
You know, I have been considering not using The Internet lately. I was part of a gaming community for years. One guy I wanted to be like. I suffered trying to become more skilled. Once I reached the point I was better than the majority of the community; I was still talked down to or more often than not ignored by almost every person in the community. I felt like I had wasted all of that time to, "get good". My complaints about this just result in people either talking under their breath about how toxic I am being, or outright ignoring me. I think there was only one guy who understood which did not even play the series that much.
@@kmscheid3303 There are a few channels on RUclips which accept me for me. Stop by Lightning Farron's channel. She is a gaming live streamer who has been consistently good people for the four years I have known her.
People pleasing stems from the fear of being alone, which in turn represents the will to survive. But, one just needs to take a breather, and say, " I'm going to be alright ", and back yourself. ( So good that you mentioned acts of kindness, random acts of kindness and acts where it feels right. Animals deserve attention also. )
I was and still am a people-pleasing person. Not only to be part of the groups I'm in but mostly because i really like doing good deeds for others. To provide. What made a huge difference for me was to accept myself and have my own goals, work also for me and to not offer my help without acknowledging that they do have others also in their life to help. This would discard my mind from suffering for that person. Also boundaries, learning to say no because I, myself, am important and need to take care of me too
These were hard lessons for me to learn. I remember in school retaking career aptitude tests 3+ times, changing my answers until i got things that i thought would make my parents happy.
I stopped it by dropping all of my social media outlets as well as withdrawing myself from all faux social circles. Never looked back ever since and my life has taken a 180 turn for the better. I knew deep down in my thoughts that I needed to focus on myself and my own well-being rather than putting others first.
Sadly this has been my life story. I've always been an outcast and always tried to fit in, often sacrificing my true direction to do so. I'm an old man now and have managed to almost fully extract myself from that mindset. Thank you for your enlightening videos and insights.
It was really hard for me to stop people pleasing. An antidote was for me to isolate and alienate myself from others. I still do it to some degree, but I've consciously reduced my anxiety over other people's opinions of me.
I’ve found an alternative to holidays if narcissists ruin them. Spend the holiday by yourself on your own with your own money. Stop spending holidays with narcissists. Somehow they rage and ruin the holiday. They will find a way to ruin the holiday. So go out to a little breakfast spot or buy yourself a little gift for Christmas or gift to the homeless. Anyone else gets a gift BUT the narcissist. Narcissists do not deserve your kindness. Please gift yourself for Christmas. It’s most likely they will not appreciate what you gift them
I think my mom tried to raise me as a people pleaser to an extent that if I voiced my opinion which was contradicting hers, she would make me feel like a terrible son and that I am "not being part of the family". I then though that this was kinda fishy and over the years got very comfortable having/voicing my own opinion, doing my own research, asking questions, and gradually this people pleasing behavior went away. With that being said, I now see that interpersonal relationship, all of them, really are fragile and it's often hard to find the right balance.
Same with mine. She went through divorce and what she said was a horrible family so I always stood by her side. Then when I had my own opinion about whatever she was going through she would say I am "going against the family" and never take her side even though the family was just her because we isolated ourselves from everyone else. Then when I found my boyfriend who she didn't approve of, I isolated myself from her. She ended up reaching back out to this family that was always against her and now has mended her relationship with them. I stay away from everyone now. I still find myself trying to please her then end up getting hurt and have to remind myself but it's a work in progress. Good luck to you and everyone else.
I struggle with the same. I wonder often if my life is even mine. If I ever wanted any of it. It is so wildly different to what I wanted. I feel like i'm living a life that was paved for me. Thank you for this video!
People pleasing began when I started school. My birthday is late in the year and so most kids had already established themselves by the time I joined. I was not used to putting up my hand to ask to go to the toilet and was embarrassed to do it, so I would sneak out when I had to go but always got caught when trying to sneak back in. Of course this meant I was always in trouble and getting hit (which was the punishment back in the 60's). Other kids ostracized me because they thought I'd get them in trouble too. I got relief when I met my friend, Ross. But Ross died a couple of weeks after we met and I was lonelier than ever. Because I craved to not be lonely I knew I had to comply. I knew I had to do whatever was asked of me -including being happy with any child who would have me as a friend. I learned to please people. I did this for 60 years. The past few years I found myself ostracized once again. This time, however, I began to explore and get to know myself. I realized I was a people pleaser and where it came from. I do not cling to people as I did before anymore. I appreciate my right to my own opinions and the freedom to choose what I want in my life. I no longer depend on others to make me happy and have plenty of hobbies I enjoy. I'm still working on myself and try to be aware of faults in myself I want to fix. I have learned that being alone is not the worst thing in life. Being alone helps you re-group and have the chance to work on yourself. It also makes you appreciated others when you do mix, as I have become more choosey who I am around and what I choose to do. I love this channel and all these videos and always look forward to the next one. Thank you.
My sister lent me the book "Codependent No More" and I started reading it last night. This video could not have been more timely in my life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
For me it needed a complete mental breakdown followed by years of burnout, anxiety & panic attacks to stop people pleasing. My situation, my body & my mind, forced me to say no, bc whenever I didn‘t, my panic got worse. I felt bad saying no so often but I had no other choice if I wanted to heal. At some point, ppl got used to it & now I actually enjoy saying no a lot, it feels like the best thing I can do for myself/health.
What if...like my position...I work as a sales consultant and I think I should please my costumers. Do I belong to those "pleasers" ? I got confuse...😥
I have been a people-pleaser my whole life: family, school/university, career/employment and lastly,relationships. I always wanted to be accepted and liked, but early in life and into the my teens due to my physical disabilities, other kids (some of whom were very cruel) and many adults were indifferent or ignored me (I became painfully shy). So my family became the centre and focus of my life, my safe harbour, it was also less stressful and hurtful than the world outside, but not without its own problems. I was able to reduce the shyness gradually, but the need to be a people-pleaser remained until about three years ago when my personal situation changed. The things you describe show me that I am just like anyone else in my behaviour of half a lifetime. My biggest challenge early 2020 has been to find my own path, my own needs after a lifetime of not really having any of my own and believing this was the way it was supposed to be for me.
I learned very early, that everyone has different expectations. Trying to fulfil them all would be insane. My childhood hero was the cartoon character Popeye, who stated unambiguously, "I yam what I yam". A good mantra I think. 👍
I think there's a difference between wanting to "help" others and wanting to "please" others. I believe I am the former but not the latter. As an example, I have, on multiple occasions, seen someone unconscious or passed out on the sidewalk, and each time, I pulled over, got out of my car and called 911, waiting near the person until responders arrived. Surely, I did not perform the act to please the passed-out person, as he/she will never know of my act; nor did I do it to "please" the responders because responding to the call was part of their daily routine. Rather, I called 911 because I would want someone to do the same for me, and because it was simply the "right thing to do." What if the person died as a result of my NOT making the call?
There's a fine line your Gut will tell you when to help and when it's not your business. Comes with Life experience. You got your head screwed on right though I feel the same about charity I'll help some homeless person who looks like they need help not the flossed out person with a sign who dresses better than me .
@@kevenmosley3423 it depends on the circumstances for sure . I'll always help someone in need . But not help someone who is only looking for handouts. You can usually spot the difference pretty easy.
Did you want the validation from the guy you assisted or the 911 responders? Did you want thanks for your good deed? I would do exactly the same and Karma will be my judge of whether I did a good thing or not. It is a truism that we now live in an age where people would rather film events on social media and share them for likes rather than help others who need help. "Doing the right thing" no longer seems the human thing to do and many people simply do not.
Validation isn't a process in this case until we find out the person may get into a worse situation, just to make sure he doesn't, that's all I meant , don't want to hurt the already cut person .
I stopped being a people-pleaser when I realized I don’t need to prove my worth to anyone. I am learning to be kind but assertive when someone treats me wrong. I now know what I like, what I want, and what I don’t. I choose my company accordingly instead of trying to fit in everywhere.
Becoming more disagreeable, judging others (not putting on pedestals), learning to value myself in the moment, becoming more assertive, having a more brash/direct attitude (not caring about how people react or what they think) etc has really helped me. My process has been to allow myself to use these as tools and incorporate them into my personality while balancing it with respect for others, good communication and self control. People pleasing is the worst. I need to revisit the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book.
I let go of people pleasing as a young adult because it just led to me living a life that did not align with my values or what mattered to me. I just did what others wanted for me growing up and I had no real sense of self or at least I didn’t know who I was. Once I stopped people pleasing and focused more on developing who I am and exploring that, my life overall got much better and I feel stronger within myself
Ironically, it's validating to hear you suggest that the people I'm trying (and failing) to please may not be worth the effort. Yesterday's holiday gathering reminded me that no matter how hard I work, I'm still a weirdo.
She is fantastic, and I truly loved her road trips to see the developments first hand and to dive into what was actually going on. Wonderful work. Reminiscent of the "Big Short" where those two actors went to houses that were owned by strippers, etc. etc.
I am going to look her up, I have about $81k i want to start with, might be small but it's better than nothing though. Since the 08 crash is playing out again.
Thanks a lot for this video. Regarding the question "what do I want?", it remind me of a quote I read in a self development book : "the more you do things you like, the more you know what you like ; and vice versa, the less you do thing that you like, the less you know what you like". So, I guess that to answer that question is more of an ongoing process, like training.
Thank God, you realize your "people-pleaserness" at young age, Ive just realized mine at early 40. I was (or am still) the dutiful son/employee. My mother is like your father was, bragging about our accomplishments as her achievements, she even claims that it is her "complains" that make us succeed. After all these years, it's difficult to learn self-love & knowing my own needs. If look deep inside, if it keep going like this, I'll be the narcissistic one putting other people in people-pleasing position. Somekind of overcompensation.
Former PPL PLSR here, I've been one since I could remember typical shit like being uncomfortable with saying no, not speaking up when I didn't align with something and carrying other people's projections of me all the time. Well I became aware of this part of my psyche in college and decided to change. Being a PPL PLSR takes a big fucking toll emotionally and psychologically, so what I did slowly was reprogram my mind with stoicism and meditation. I got to the root of my PPL PLSR disorder and started understanding the why's of this behavior. Then it all just clicked one day, I started giving less fucks and valued myself and my dignity more than whatever someone else could think. I started dressing more expressively and started leaving my comfort zone in many little ways. It's funny tho, now I see how much people expect you to kiss their ass but when you don't they always hate you for it!
Whoever told you PPL PLSR is your disorder is just dumb. Get some self respect it is not a disorder don't let the medical industry convince you you have disorders they want weak minded and dependent people to milk for money and attention that's all it is
Your time is precious and should not be wasted. That doesn’t make you selfish it just means you reserve it for what is important, yourself, your family, the things that are important. A lot of people like to take advantage of us and our time
No I am not a people-pleaser, but your video is illuminating and makes me think of my past when I was in a social group of tough and rude boys and I tended to please them to be accepted. I was not fully myself because I felt I was weaker than them, and even if I realized I was doing harm to myself, it took me years to get rid of them. Now I am 54, and I would say that there are two main pathological situations in which people-pleasers can do harm to themselves and to others: children in peer groups at a young age who struggle to be accepted and mothers/parents who tend to overprotect their children, not giving them the very basics skills to cope with life. Lastly, I must say that, at least here in Italy where we are facing degrading human relationships due to social and economic regression, more often than not people do not even think to please others but to exploit them with rudeness and betrayal .Thank you for another inspiring video.
What you said about your Narcissistic father really hits home to me. You create a persona to be accepted by your father and after some time you feel trapped in this facade you built. You feel empty and lack purpose, because he wont accept you even after all the effort you put. Its a tough and painful trap to escape from.
I have been a sick people pleaser all my life. i am kind of old now !. so, Thank you for this video. I have been watching and improving based on your videos and few others in past 3 or 4 years. Thank you for that. I have started to say "No" sometimes now. i do not engage with "people" who squish me like a bug. i do not go to gatherings i am booed at anymore. Thank you for this guidance and courage.
I was a big people pleaser because I grew up in a family that made me feel there were conditions to be loved. There's no immediate moment I stopped people pleasing but rather a continuous process. Bringing awareness towards my own thoughts, acceptance and self love. I don't think I stopped it completely, but I am much more conscious, and I love and accept who I am so much more.
Great video, quite timely as I have been thinking about this topic more lately. In the past I recognize that I was a major people pleaser wanting the acceptance and fearful of what people thought of me. What has helped me is studying philosophy, looking inwards with introspection (even though I have often done that as an introvert), and practice of stoicism. Also continually realizing how short life is, I don't want to waste any more of it.
I can definitely relate to the story in the beginning. I was just like that but not anymore because therapy helped me realize why I was a people pleaser. I don’t have any relationships with those people now because I stopped putting everyone before myself which told the truth about my place in their lives. I’m actually glad because now I have peace and I’m content with myself and my life.
Phenomenal video, especially important is your observation that modern society essentially frees you from the ‘tribe ‘. The best book I ever read on this was called The Fountainhead.
I was finally forced to put my own needs first after I developed chronic illness. I’ve spent the past ten years slowly letting go of people pleasing, but I am now physically unable to live the life I want. Don’t wait until it’s too late to make yourself a priority.
I used to be also a people pleaser I was guilt tripped to it Time after time Until I lost myself, it was a very difficult time and required a lot of patience with myself and my conditioning behaviour The most difficult rescue of my life But I got myself back again and I am happy to be me, once again
Thank you for this video. I was just having a conversation with my girlfriend last night about how me being a people pleaser has led to relationships being crippled or deteriorated completely. I resonated with this video. I think the solution is exactly what you said at the end. Knowing what you want and don’t want is the best way to set boundaries.
For me, it's been a bit darker... Not pleasing my mother often meant pain, loss and/or humiliation and degradation. It's one thing to know that not pleasing a person may cause them to dislike you.... It's another thing to fear that not pleasing a person may cause them to annihilate you. It has taken over 50 years to even begin to understand that I have my own power.... That I have as much agency as anyone else. One VERY encouraging part for me has been the distance covered by the first step. It took a lot of pain and many years to "see it" and to make a conscious decision to show up for MYSELF, but doing that.... THAT, took me SO far from where I'd started. I've definitely had "relapses" .. I continue to learn who and when and where I tend to abandon myself for.... I'm learning to Love myself. I'm never going back because you just can't unring a bell and once you really understand what you've allowed yourself to become...if you can survive the pain of the lost years and life... you'll be a different person.
I've been a people pleaser for a big part of my adult life, and the thing that got me to finally change was that my body effectively said, "No more!". I developed a neurological disorder called FND, as well as generalized anxiety. I became sort of like "the bug"... unable to do nearly as much as I used to. Fortunately for me, my friends and family were not so superficial as in Kafka's story, as they provided me with a great deal of support. I'm still working my way through all this, but one thing I know for sure: I do NOT want to go back to people-pleasing ever again!
Every episode where you have shared your personal story is such a gem! Thank you for sharing aspects of your life. I have followed your channel and bought your books and I am in awe of your capacity to digest difficult philosophical tenets and share with us for understanding. You are reaching so many of us. Thank you.
My mother has the same treats as your father. Every success I have is because of her, never did she said “congratulations” when i told her good news, she always said things like “see, you should thank me because of the thing I did 10 years ago that allowed you to achieve this now”, but its so unrelated to my success, and its the same story regardless of what i achieve. Also nothing I do for her is enough, if I buy her groceries is “why i got only 1 pack of something, why only 1 litre of oil” and so on. I put down payment for a house, she asked why I havent refurbished her apartment and so on….
I've had sleeping problems since I was 13, and was resorting to altruistic suicide at 21 and was sent to a mental hospital. The hardest thing about recovering from depression, is having to reintroduce yourself to your family, and everyone starts fights with you because they liked it better when you kept everything to yourself. Love is the truth, but everyone drives me insane sometimes. Just another day in America. 💜☯️🌌
13:13 - Kindness in boundary-setting involves being firm and consistent. It’s about valuing your own well-being and communicating that your limits are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean being inflexible, but rather finding a balance between accommodating others and ensuring your own needs are met. By approaching boundary-setting with kindness, you create an environment where people feel heard and respected. This can lead to stronger connections and a mutual understanding of each other’s needs and limits. Setting boundaries isn’t about closing doors; it’s about opening dialogues with kindness and understanding.
So many gems in this piece, thank you. As a retired professional ballet dancer, balancing feeling good about the art is a challenge because of the public performance aspect in order to be paid to do it. When I was young, the audience response was important, but the older I got, and the more I became familiar with the art and my tribe, ( the ballet company ), I only cared for the applause backstage, and actually tired of the audience and their predictable response. Also as a male ballet dancer, partnering is a main part of the art form. Being a good male partner means the ballerina has to be comfortable, and the male partner often has to sacrifice his comfort in order to make the performance not only look good but be safe. The only good partnerships are when both artists understand the experience must be shared and cared for together.
I don't mind sacrificing myself to help others. I don't really care if I'm liked or hated for my acts. I'm happy enough knowing that I've helped the other person, even if they forget me. I need no pleasure of my own, as seeing others attain it, is more than I could desire. If I detect someone trying to use me though, I will back away completely, and let destiny do the rest.
Exactly when you sympatize with your friends and agree with their persona, you just wanna invite them for drink or w/e small things to appreciate them. Yes I feel sometimes like the “weak” one but my mind just want to do it for that person bcs I like them. Whats so wrong about it?
While finishing off my high-school I figured I wanted to help people. And I did for a while during my 6 years in ER. But during my time there it was plain to see that people seek pleasantries instead of being helped. It made me grow distant towards people I came in contact daily through my shifts. Everyone and everything blended in together. I started disliking and later hating people overall. The small minority of people are actually pleasant and nice to deal with while the majority (the loud one of course) were expecting too much. It takes a certain amount of ignorance to deal with most of people looking for help after you deal with enough of them. Pleasing strangers and anyone outside of your close people/ones circles costs too much and is rarely worth it. I don't mind at all helping someone I'm close to or care about but the common stranger is usually the ones I avoid lending a hand to. Too many rotten apples in the basket to try and figure out which one is grateful for it. One would wish that everyone was as thoughtful as you'd expect and alas... It is what it is. Don't fall for stupid schemes or traps, manipulations that people throw at you. You're better than that and you know it but are afraid to admit it. Time for you to care about yourself once in a while. Be egoistic but not narcissistic. That is the key to proper balance.
"Pleasing strangers and anyone outside of your close people/ones circles costs too much and is rarely worth it." That includes my demanding dog! Just as @SIERRATREES said, animals need attention too! Though my partner thought I gave too much attention (and treats!).
I first learned to draw boundaries, and to calmly not accept mistreatment by others, ever just rude strangers. The actual breakthrough was finding real self love through meditation. I finally understood, at the experiential level, that I deserve to be happy. Not because I earned that through actions or qualities, but just because I exist. Now I probably do more acts of kindness than ever before, but not with the expectation of getting smth in return and the subsequent resentment. People pleasing is, in it's own way, very ego-centric. It's all about trying to get something for the pleasing. I am also much more comfortable with being honest with my loved ones, because I understand that letting them get to know the actual me is giving the relationship a real chance of becoming deep and honest.
Morning wisdom always appreciated my guy! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving brother! You've helped me become the greatest version of myself. Gotta be selfish sometimes and spoil Yourself. No one is there for you more than yourself.
Love this video, thank you so much for sharing it!! Been there, done that - same, narcissistic father and people-pleasing mother - finally woke up and started setting boundaries/uncovering my true self. Now I ask myself all the time "How do I feel? What do I want?" and try to be mindful of who I share my energy/time/attention with.
Much of what you said sounds familiar. I have a similar relationship with my father where the concept of my individuality doesn't even exist, much less be accepted. Breaking out of that shell was difficult. As a matter of fact, it was another toxic relationship which caused me to reevaluate myself. My ex was a very toxic and narcissistic person who tried to crush my individuality and only wanted parts of me which would benefit her. After reaching a point of saturation, I cut ties with that person. However, it set off a chain reaction in my mind which made me evaluate other relationships in my life where I felt I was simply serving others at my expense, only asking for acceptance in return, and never getting it. So, I broke away from that mindset. I chose my individuality instead of acceptance. It's not to say that I've forsaken kindness or adopted selfishness, but as you stated, I'm drawing boundaries and not letting anyone step over them as I did in the past. I'm now in my late 30s and I often feel like I wasted my 20s being that people pleaser instead of paying attention to my needs. To anyone reading this, don't waste your youth as I did. Again, I would stress that don't get so self-absorbed that you become a selfish narcissist yourself, but don't always sacrifice your dreams for others. Sometimes, you have to for that is a virtue (depending on the circumstance), but not every time. Finally, every person is responsible for their actions. Don't let anyone blame you for their mistakes, and don't blame others for the ones you've made. You carry your burden and let them carry yours. Have sympathy, if you must, but don't ever carry their burden.
I feel you buddy, i am going through the same thing! I feel like being present is the key to finding that balance... Because when you are present you are not thinking and just being... And ultimately The " being " state is your true or authentic self. You can still choose to please. But because you are present you will feel it when it is the right thing for you or not. But this takes a lot of practice and dedication! For some people it comes naturally, ultimately it is something you can learn i think
This explains the meaning of the word self-frame, and our relationship with our personal choices. When you enjoy your personal world for a long time, you do not escape from yourself, like most people. Sometimes we satisfy our social side out of duty, but when our relationship with others becomes a necessity, problems begin. I think that most people began to blame me for being vain in choosing things, and from here I began to feel happy that I was in line with my choices. One of my relatives, I remember that since he was young he had what was called Frame. Everyone used to say that he was smart and annoying. When I grew up, I understood why they were flirting with his intelligence and at the same time being annoying. People simply respect those who have a specific and clear path, even if it is greedy or avaricious. Today I see that my choices have nothing to do with any traditional social decisions. I just enjoy my world and build it every day. I use my relationship with people just to show off.
People drained so much energy from me that I reached my limit and started removing them from my life one by one. This time, I made sure to tell them why, and I've never felt more free. Also, understanding the meaning of "No one is pulling the strings up there but you" helped a lot.
A masterpiece, as always!!! Never interpreted Kafka’s metamorphosis this way, but now that I heard you say it, it immediately made so much sense! I wish I could express my gratuity for your videos beyond mere words. You literally make people’s life better, and to my mind there’s nothing more noble than that!
I believe there is a thin line between the sense of duty and making/keeping others happy which at times gets merged. People start pleasing others without even knowing or being aware of it. You cannot deny the importance of validation. It's a dopamine. One just need to strike a balance between all these without losing oneself
Great content. This is what makes YT worth watching. @Einzelganger you are not alone. Many of us can relate especially fathers from the earlier generations. Men are in trouble today in different ways but the consequences will be similar. A horrible cycle. Stoicism and the 4 agreements have been tremendously helpful and reading about the lives of great people has also been an inspiration.
I am a people pleaser, I am 18 years old, studying what I don't what, for something I don't like , form a place I want to get away from ...but even after this video I can't figure out what to do .... i am confused now.
I probably still don't know what I want in life. But when I was young my dad arranged me a job with the hope I succeded him in his profession. But after I decided that's not what I wanted, I went working in a supermarket and met my best friends in life. I went eventually to the university (with thanks to my parents) to follow the college that I wanted. Now, I'm almost 39, probably still unaware what I want. But happy that I choose somehow my own path, even though it leads to nothing. Still I'm asking myself everytime I do something. Is this what I want, or does anybody else want me to this for him/her?
Thank you for sharing this video. I also was a people pleaser. What helped me was a long, hard work for self-discovery. Started from therapy ended in self-awarness. Has it written I realize how ordinary it sounds😅. Part of the journey was (and still is) watching your videos. I really appreciate your work 😊
Thanks for sharing your story with this one, I really enjoy your videos and they always give me a lot to think about. I still believe there is a healthy dose of people pleasing if it is returned in kind, and not at the cost of 'being yourself', but it is a fine line indeed. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving. :D
I was a people pleaser. Always trying to do what people expected from me and never even thinking what I really wanted. Thinking that pleasing other people somehow was good because they would please me too (someday) Well that never happend. Act of kindness are different I think because in an act of kindness you do it out of love and don't expect anything back ❤
![Stromae, Pomme - “Ma Meilleure Ennemie” (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Visualizer]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1F3OGIFnW1k/mqdefault.jpg)
"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."
- Lao Tzu
Some care less than others.
bs, there's got to be some level of people-pleasing to win in life. Just gotta find the right balance
@@tav2521Just like students need to please their teachers to get high grades.
He was never wrong 😅
Well sometimes you need to care
For me, my people-pleasing ended when I finally set boundaries. I just saw this today. "I used to tolerate a lot because I did not want to lose people. Now I establish boundaries because I do not want to lose myself". How incredibly fitting for this video!
Welp, I did that and now I have zero friends and my family can barely stand me. Guess it's their loss. Not really. It's a lonely life.
@@rnt45t1Instead of finding a friend, be a friend. While meeting a stranger act like you already know them. Do conversation not because you want anything but because of having 'fun'. In that way you will stop 'pleasing' them.
@@rnt45t1I can relate to that, but still there can a balance between isolating completely and socializing. For me I simply cut out the people I don't care about, those can be your classmates whom you call "friends", colleagues, relatives, etc and just stick around my immediate family and 3-4 close friends. Here, making some sacrifices for the purpose of socializing was definitely worth it. In the end we are social beings, we need connections to have a fulfilling life.
Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to express myself.
Hope you have a great day!!
@@piyushnandurdikar9234 this assumes people LIKE you. I haven’t had a friend in years, let alone a relationship.
@@Sandesh-sh7ez you sound insufferable
“No” is a complete sentence. - Annie Lamott
I’ve been a people pleaser for 61 years until I recently had a very vivid dream that I was rushing around a vast airport terminal trying to make everyone a cup of tea with my tiny travel kettle. It was so apocryphal. This video is very well timed for me. Many thanks for your wisdom.
This was so good analogy, thank you for sharing
Hi sir, I just needed to know..
Did your people pleasing habits in the past benefit you anyway
I guess it's time to live life now!
Great sharing Thanks.I am also 61 and had a similar Airport dream . I was minding all the luggage while people got their food and whatever.I missed my plane ✈️ because of the disorganisation of others.Similar theme.Time to look after ourselves.😊
Umm dont get it personal
But do you know what you got?
"The boot licker title"
You see?
I still can name you despite the good things you have done
You cant escape it, be nice be mean be everthing, you still can be blamed and named and disliked
"It's like lighting yourself on fire to keep yourself warm"
“It’s like lighting yourself on fire to keep OTHERS warm,,” ‘burning the people we seek to please’,,. Love that analogy ❤
I only recently discovered I was raised by my narcissistic mother and angry, alcoholic stepfather to be a chronic people pleaser with no development of personal boundaries. So a lifetime of allowing people to take everything from me, leave me empty and exhausted and then complain when I didn’t give them even more. I have no issues saying no to people now but I realised I still put others first before myself. I was spending too much and doing too much for others and wondering why I never had any money or any peace. When I discovered the philosophy of the Stoics, it changed my life. I’m still quite new to it all but I have seen huge improvements in my mental state and how I deal with people who push at my boundaries. Now I stop them cold whenever others try to run bad behaviour over me. I’m also having fun giving to myself emotionally, spiritually and financially and not giving a toss about what others think of me or whether they get angry at me for not being a doormat to them. Finding joy in the little things and the big things in my life has been life changing too
The more you try to please people, the more they get control of you and you'll end up hurting yourself.
Great job my friend, love the video
When you stop trying to please anyone you realize how quickly you're alone and how much no one wants you alive.
Ninety percent of people aren’t worth pleasing.
@@rnt45t1 real. Surprised there's no "you're a hopeless doomer" replies
@rnt45t1 that used to be me. Grew up with no family, so spent years people pleasing to find someone to love me. When I tried to stop people pleasing and create boundaries I lost friends, moved away my abusive partner and ended up living alone. Some days felt like torture. Watching the clock in a silent house, the crying never stopped. Stayed in bed. Weeks of despair dragged on. I wanted to die. A lonely life felt pointless. Wrote a will. Planned my way out.
Welcoming death is what saved me in the end. I truly stopped caring what others thought of me. I thought if I'm gonna die alone I might as well enjoy it and make the best of it. And in that process of enjoying my "remaining time", I became my own best friend, turned people pleasing into me-pleasing and ended up finding love in myself, truly.
Now I love my life, I'm actually living my best life, Ive created healthy friendships, i enjoy my own company, i dont "need" anyone to make me happy, and i don't want to die as I have plans and goals for the future again that I'm actively working on.
I think they call this process an ego death. I had to surrender.
I call it ego rebirth@@SukiStackhouse18
I've eventually stopped people-pleasing, it made me feel weak and codependent and like I was wasting my life, no more! Self-love is the ultimate way of being of service to others and yourself without losing yourself in the process.
Well said 😌❣️
Well sometimes you need to please other bro.
Careful my friend. Self-love has a tendency to devolve into selfishness, and then you become just like the people you want to avoid.
I agree. It's like the saying goes; in an aeroplane, in an emergency, you put on your mask first, then you are better placed to help others. If you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else.
People pleasing/fawning is actually a trauma response! Pete Walker talks about it in his book about Complex-PTSD.
It’s a survival strategy to avoid conflict by mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of others.
It’s exhausting and painful to constantly silence yourself and push your emotions away, all while working overtime to anticipate the emotions of other people.
I know, because I do it all the time… it’s getting better but it’s a process. Self-compassion and patience are the key.
❤️🙏✨
thank you for this information! ❤🙏
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
@@janazahalkova283 my pleasure 😇
Interesting pov.
Establish boundaries.
I am a people pleaser. I married a woman my father wanted me to marry. Even though my gut told me no. The marriage lasted over two years until my gut told me that I needed to leave this marriage because I was miserable. After my marriage ended, I slowly distanced myself from my family. I am from the Indian subcontinent. I decided not to swim in the Indian Ocean and started to swim in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. In other words, my friends/ family are Chinese, Vietnamese, Japaneses, Peruvian, Filipino, American, Russian. I have never been happier.
I hope your life get better now, keep going !!
Good for you 👍
As an Indian, I can attest that most of us are inherently people pleasers.
@@AthulVijayfreakinawesomeyeah my aunt's sister denied to marry now family tourchers her and feeling her guilty
@@AthulVijayfreakinawesome Yes, I was told as a child to be a good boy. If I spoke up, my family shamed and gaslighted me. I remained a good boy with my family even after moving to the US. I did not know who I really was.
I had to start speaking my mind. Speaking the things I want without guilt. I had to stand up for myself
I used to be a people pleaser all my life and suffered from it without even realizing it. When i was a kid, i used to be the "good boy". I listened to my parents, i obeyed when they said no and i didn't argue. Whenever i disobeyed for the slightest things, i'd get severely reprimanded which reinforced the people pleaser side of me.
What i realized 20 years later was that i was known from other perspectives as a "nice guy". A regular bland nice guy with nothing more to it which shook me.
Then a phrase i heard that sealed the change was that "We are all someone else's a$$hole or d*head".
That one just straight up executed the people pleaser in me after realizing that not only i was killing my authentic self but also that in the end, it was a pointless unending battle.
I grew up with mean people. I hung out with mean people. Then I worked with nice people. It took me a while to become nice. Now I actively avoid mean people.
It's more subtle than that, but here I am, actively saying "that's not what I want in my life, this is who I am." Terrifying, but real. My idea of boundaries has changed dramatically.
Mean people was what you considered "normal" until you met nice people. Sounds similar to a culture shock - nice people seemed foreign until you got used to it.
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt That's a very clear way of looking at it, with no blame, just boundaries! Thanks
You know, I have been considering not using The Internet lately. I was part of a gaming community for years. One guy I wanted to be like. I suffered trying to become more skilled. Once I reached the point I was better than the majority of the community; I was still talked down to or more often than not ignored by almost every person in the community. I felt like I had wasted all of that time to, "get good". My complaints about this just result in people either talking under their breath about how toxic I am being, or outright ignoring me. I think there was only one guy who understood which did not even play the series that much.
@@lanceknightmare I've felt like that. It's hard. I hope you find your people.
@@kmscheid3303 There are a few channels on RUclips which accept me for me. Stop by Lightning Farron's channel. She is a gaming live streamer who has been consistently good people for the four years I have known her.
People pleasing stems from the fear of being alone, which in turn represents the will to survive. But, one just needs to take a breather, and say, " I'm going to be alright ", and back yourself. ( So good that you mentioned acts of kindness, random acts of kindness and acts where it feels right. Animals deserve attention also. )
Thank you. Yes l just need to take more breaths like that.
I’m safe. I’m okay. I breath and will many celebrated for happy years
Thanks!!!!!
❤
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing! 🩵
I was and still am a people-pleasing person. Not only to be part of the groups I'm in but mostly because i really like doing good deeds for others. To provide.
What made a huge difference for me was to accept myself and have my own goals, work also for me and to not offer my help without acknowledging that they do have others also in their life to help. This would discard my mind from suffering for that person.
Also boundaries, learning to say no because I, myself, am important and need to take care of me too
I once was, and then I realized there was little to no reciprocation. Thank God I stopped.
These were hard lessons for me to learn. I remember in school retaking career aptitude tests 3+ times, changing my answers until i got things that i thought would make my parents happy.
I stopped it by dropping all of my social media outlets as well as withdrawing myself from all faux social circles. Never looked back ever since and my life has taken a 180 turn for the better. I knew deep down in my thoughts that I needed to focus on myself and my own well-being rather than putting others first.
Sadly this has been my life story. I've always been an outcast and always tried to fit in, often sacrificing my true direction to do so. I'm an old man now and have managed to almost fully extract myself from that mindset. Thank you for your enlightening videos and insights.
Most humiliation is when I try to please others and then they ask me to stop 😬
It was really hard for me to stop people pleasing. An antidote was for me to isolate and alienate myself from others. I still do it to some degree, but I've consciously reduced my anxiety over other people's opinions of me.
I’ve found an alternative to holidays if narcissists ruin them. Spend the holiday by yourself on your own with your own money. Stop spending holidays with narcissists. Somehow they rage and ruin the holiday.
They will find a way to ruin the holiday. So go out to a little breakfast spot or buy yourself a little gift for Christmas or gift to the homeless. Anyone else gets a gift BUT the narcissist.
Narcissists do not deserve your kindness. Please gift yourself for Christmas. It’s most likely they will not appreciate what you gift them
@@Aid-kd5nxit’s always a woman who blames the ex of narcissism as well. OP is nothing but a stereotype.
I think my mom tried to raise me as a people pleaser to an extent that if I voiced my opinion which was contradicting hers, she would make me feel like a terrible son and that I am "not being part of the family". I then though that this was kinda fishy and over the years got very comfortable having/voicing my own opinion, doing my own research, asking questions, and gradually this people pleasing behavior went away. With that being said, I now see that interpersonal relationship, all of them, really are fragile and it's often hard to find the right balance.
Same with mine. She went through divorce and what she said was a horrible family so I always stood by her side. Then when I had my own opinion about whatever she was going through she would say I am "going against the family" and never take her side even though the family was just her because we isolated ourselves from everyone else. Then when I found my boyfriend who she didn't approve of, I isolated myself from her. She ended up reaching back out to this family that was always against her and now has mended her relationship with them. I stay away from everyone now. I still find myself trying to please her then end up getting hurt and have to remind myself but it's a work in progress. Good luck to you and everyone else.
I struggle with the same. I wonder often if my life is even mine. If I ever wanted any of it. It is so wildly different to what I wanted. I feel like i'm living a life that was paved for me. Thank you for this video!
People pleasing began when I started school. My birthday is late in the year and so most kids had already established themselves by the time I joined.
I was not used to putting up my hand to ask to go to the toilet and was embarrassed to do it, so I would sneak out when I had to go but always got caught when trying to sneak back in.
Of course this meant I was always in trouble and getting hit (which was the punishment back in the 60's). Other kids ostracized me because they thought I'd get them in trouble too.
I got relief when I met my friend, Ross. But Ross died a couple of weeks after we met and I was lonelier than ever.
Because I craved to not be lonely I knew I had to comply. I knew I had to do whatever was asked of me -including being happy with any child who would have me as a friend.
I learned to please people.
I did this for 60 years. The past few years I found myself ostracized once again. This time, however, I began to explore and get to know myself. I realized I was a people pleaser and where it came from.
I do not cling to people as I did before anymore. I appreciate my right to my own opinions and the freedom to choose what I want in my life. I no longer depend on others to make me happy and have plenty of hobbies I enjoy.
I'm still working on myself and try to be aware of faults in myself I want to fix.
I have learned that being alone is not the worst thing in life. Being alone helps you re-group and have the chance to work on yourself. It also makes you appreciated others when you do mix, as I have become more choosey who I am around and what I choose to do.
I love this channel and all these videos and always look forward to the next one. Thank you.
My sister lent me the book "Codependent No More" and I started reading it last night. This video could not have been more timely in my life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
A book I will never forget!
For me it needed a complete mental breakdown followed by years of burnout, anxiety & panic attacks to stop people pleasing. My situation, my body & my mind, forced me to say no, bc whenever I didn‘t, my panic got worse. I felt bad saying no so often but I had no other choice if I wanted to heal. At some point, ppl got used to it & now I actually enjoy saying no a lot, it feels like the best thing I can do for myself/health.
I love the distinction you make between pleasing and kindness. I think that's vital.
What if...like my position...I work as a sales consultant and I think I should please my costumers. Do I belong to those "pleasers" ? I got confuse...😥
I have been a people-pleaser my whole life: family, school/university, career/employment and lastly,relationships. I always wanted to be accepted and liked, but early in life and into the my teens due to my physical disabilities, other kids (some of whom were very cruel) and many adults were indifferent or ignored me (I became painfully shy).
So my family became the centre and focus of my life, my safe harbour, it was also less stressful and hurtful than the world outside, but not without its own problems. I was able to reduce the shyness gradually, but the need to be a people-pleaser remained until about three years ago when my personal situation changed. The things you describe show me that I am just like anyone else in my behaviour of half a lifetime. My biggest challenge early 2020 has been to find my own path, my own needs after a lifetime of not really having any of my own and believing this was the way it was supposed to be for me.
I learned very early, that everyone has different expectations. Trying to fulfil them all would be insane. My childhood hero was the cartoon character Popeye, who stated unambiguously, "I yam what I yam". A good mantra I think. 👍
I'm nothing
@@parth6115you’re you and that’s a blank canvas to make whatever you want. No one controls that brush but you friend.
@@NoHairofRedemption second this!!
I used to be a people pleaser. I thoroughly felt connect with the video. Great work ❤.
I think there's a difference between wanting to "help" others and wanting to "please" others. I believe I am the former but not the latter. As an example, I have, on multiple occasions, seen someone unconscious or passed out on the sidewalk, and each time, I pulled over, got out of my car and called 911, waiting near the person until responders arrived. Surely, I did not perform the act to please the passed-out person, as he/she will never know of my act; nor did I do it to "please" the responders because responding to the call was part of their daily routine. Rather, I called 911 because I would want someone to do the same for me, and because it was simply the "right thing to do." What if the person died as a result of my NOT making the call?
There's a fine line your Gut will tell you when to help and when it's not your business. Comes with Life experience. You got your head screwed on right though I feel the same about charity I'll help some homeless person who looks like they need help not the flossed out person with a sign who dresses better than me .
Serving others is a joy and very meaningful..
@@kevenmosley3423 it depends on the circumstances for sure . I'll always help someone in need . But not help someone who is only looking for handouts. You can usually spot the difference pretty easy.
Did you want the validation from the guy you assisted or the 911 responders? Did you want thanks for your good deed?
I would do exactly the same and Karma will be my judge of whether I did a good thing or not.
It is a truism that we now live in an age where people would rather film events on social media and share them for likes rather than help others who need help. "Doing the right thing" no longer seems the human thing to do and many people simply do not.
Validation isn't a process in this case until we find out the person may get into a worse situation, just to make sure he doesn't, that's all I meant , don't want to hurt the already cut person .
I stopped being a people-pleaser when I realized I don’t need to prove my worth to anyone. I am learning to be kind but assertive when someone treats me wrong. I now know what I like, what I want, and what I don’t. I choose my company accordingly instead of trying to fit in everywhere.
Still a people pleaser, definitely got left behind when I needed help. From personal experience not worth it.
It is GOOD (and feels good) to be SELFISH. (Former people pleaser - as of yesterday!!)
Becoming more disagreeable, judging others (not putting on pedestals), learning to value myself in the moment, becoming more assertive, having a more brash/direct attitude (not caring about how people react or what they think) etc has really helped me.
My process has been to allow myself to use these as tools and incorporate them into my personality while balancing it with respect for others, good communication and self control.
People pleasing is the worst. I need to revisit the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience with your father. I could relate to some of that
I let go of people pleasing as a young adult because it just led to me living a life that did not align with my values or what mattered to me. I just did what others wanted for me growing up and I had no real sense of self or at least I didn’t know who I was. Once I stopped people pleasing and focused more on developing who I am and exploring that, my life overall got much better and I feel stronger within myself
Ironically, it's validating to hear you suggest that the people I'm trying (and failing) to please may not be worth the effort. Yesterday's holiday gathering reminded me that no matter how hard I work, I'm still a weirdo.
I feel you -ᄒᴥᄒ-
She is fantastic, and I truly loved her road trips to see the developments first hand and to dive into what was actually going on. Wonderful work. Reminiscent of the "Big Short" where those two actors went to houses that were owned by strippers, etc. etc.
Please who is the consultant that assist you with your investment and if you don't mind, how do I get in touch with this person!!
I am going to look her up, I have about $81k i want to start with, might be small but it's better than nothing though. Since the 08 crash is playing out again.
Thanks a lot for this video. Regarding the question "what do I want?", it remind me of a quote I read in a self development book : "the more you do things you like, the more you know what you like ; and vice versa, the less you do thing that you like, the less you know what you like". So, I guess that to answer that question is more of an ongoing process, like training.
The first time I said no I felt a weight lift and I have never looked back. Thank you your videos are always inspiring
Thank God, you realize your "people-pleaserness" at young age, Ive just realized mine at early 40. I was (or am still) the dutiful son/employee.
My mother is like your father was, bragging about our accomplishments as her achievements, she even claims that it is her "complains" that make us succeed.
After all these years, it's difficult to learn self-love & knowing my own needs.
If look deep inside, if it keep going like this, I'll be the narcissistic one putting other people in people-pleasing position. Somekind of overcompensation.
Former PPL PLSR here, I've been one since I could remember typical shit like being uncomfortable with saying no, not speaking up when I didn't align with something and carrying other people's projections of me all the time. Well I became aware of this part of my psyche in college and decided to change. Being a PPL PLSR takes a big fucking toll emotionally and psychologically, so what I did slowly was reprogram my mind with stoicism and meditation. I got to the root of my PPL PLSR disorder and started understanding the why's of this behavior. Then it all just clicked one day, I started giving less fucks and valued myself and my dignity more than whatever someone else could think. I started dressing more expressively and started leaving my comfort zone in many little ways. It's funny tho, now I see how much people expect you to kiss their ass but when you don't they always hate you for it!
Whoever told you PPL PLSR is your disorder is just dumb. Get some self respect it is not a disorder don't let the medical industry convince you you have disorders they want weak minded and dependent people to milk for money and attention that's all it is
Your time is precious and should not be wasted. That doesn’t make you selfish it just means you reserve it for what is important, yourself, your family, the things that are important. A lot of people like to take advantage of us and our time
No I am not a people-pleaser, but your video is illuminating and makes me think of my past when I was in a social group of tough and rude boys and I tended to please them to be accepted. I was not fully myself because I felt I was weaker than them, and even if I realized I was doing harm to myself, it took me years to get rid of them. Now I am 54, and I would say that there are two main pathological situations in which people-pleasers can do harm to themselves and to others: children in peer groups at a young age who struggle to be accepted and mothers/parents who tend to overprotect their children, not giving them the very basics skills to cope with life. Lastly, I must say that, at least here in Italy where we are facing degrading human relationships due to social and economic regression, more often than not people do not even think to please others but to exploit them with rudeness and betrayal .Thank you for another inspiring video.
What you said about your Narcissistic father really hits home to me. You create a persona to be accepted by your father and after some time you feel trapped in this facade you built. You feel empty and lack purpose, because he wont accept you even after all the effort you put. Its a tough and painful trap to escape from.
I have been a sick people pleaser all my life. i am kind of old now !. so, Thank you for this video. I have been watching and improving based on your videos and few others in past 3 or 4 years. Thank you for that. I have started to say "No" sometimes now. i do not engage with "people" who squish me like a bug. i do not go to gatherings i am booed at anymore. Thank you for this guidance and courage.
I was a big people pleaser because I grew up in a family that made me feel there were conditions to be loved. There's no immediate moment I stopped people pleasing but rather a continuous process. Bringing awareness towards my own thoughts, acceptance and self love. I don't think I stopped it completely, but I am much more conscious, and I love and accept who I am so much more.
When you stop give any attention or kindness, then you will realize who will stand by your side. Or who will left or abandon you.
Great video, quite timely as I have been thinking about this topic more lately. In the past I recognize that I was a major people pleaser wanting the acceptance and fearful of what people thought of me. What has helped me is studying philosophy, looking inwards with introspection (even though I have often done that as an introvert), and practice of stoicism. Also continually realizing how short life is, I don't want to waste any more of it.
I can definitely relate to the story in the beginning. I was just like that but not anymore because therapy helped me realize why I was a people pleaser. I don’t have any relationships with those people now because I stopped putting everyone before myself which told the truth about my place in their lives. I’m actually glad because now I have peace and I’m content with myself and my life.
"The man who strives to liked by everyone, will eventually find himself respected by no one" --- Lau Tzu.
Now the movie "Nowhere" makes more sense to me. I was always confused when the guy turned into a giant bug.
Phenomenal video, especially important is your observation that modern society essentially frees you from the ‘tribe ‘. The best book I ever read on this was called The Fountainhead.
I was finally forced to put my own needs first after I developed chronic illness. I’ve spent the past ten years slowly letting go of people pleasing, but I am now physically unable to live the life I want. Don’t wait until it’s too late to make yourself a priority.
I used to be also a people pleaser
I was guilt tripped to it
Time after time
Until I lost myself, it was a very difficult time and required a lot of patience with myself and my conditioning behaviour
The most difficult rescue of my life
But I got myself back again and I am happy to be me, once again
Thank you for this video. I was just having a conversation with my girlfriend last night about how me being a people pleaser has led to relationships being crippled or deteriorated completely. I resonated with this video. I think the solution is exactly what you said at the end. Knowing what you want and don’t want is the best way to set boundaries.
What to do if your relationship asks too much of you?
For me, it's been a bit darker...
Not pleasing my mother often meant pain, loss and/or humiliation and degradation.
It's one thing to know that not pleasing a person may cause them to dislike you....
It's another thing to fear that not pleasing a person may cause them to annihilate you.
It has taken over 50 years to even begin to understand that I have my own power.... That I have as much agency as anyone else.
One VERY encouraging part for me has been the distance covered by the first step. It took a lot of pain and many years to "see it" and to make a conscious decision to show up for MYSELF, but doing that.... THAT, took me SO far from where I'd started.
I've definitely had "relapses" .. I continue to learn who and when and where I tend to abandon myself for....
I'm learning to Love myself.
I'm never going back because you just can't unring a bell and once you really understand what you've allowed yourself to become...if you can survive the pain of the lost years and life... you'll be a different person.
I've been a people pleaser for a big part of my adult life, and the thing that got me to finally change was that my body effectively said, "No more!". I developed a neurological disorder called FND, as well as generalized anxiety. I became sort of like "the bug"... unable to do nearly as much as I used to. Fortunately for me, my friends and family were not so superficial as in Kafka's story, as they provided me with a great deal of support. I'm still working my way through all this, but one thing I know for sure: I do NOT want to go back to people-pleasing ever again!
Every episode where you have shared your personal story is such a gem! Thank you for sharing aspects of your life. I have followed your channel and bought your books and I am in awe of your capacity to digest difficult philosophical tenets and share with us for understanding. You are reaching so many of us. Thank you.
it’s 6:30am right now, i woke up a few minutes ago and when i got the notification, the first few words einzelganger said made my jaw drop
Thanks for this amazing video.
My mother has the same treats as your father. Every success I have is because of her, never did she said “congratulations” when i told her good news, she always said things like “see, you should thank me because of the thing I did 10 years ago that allowed you to achieve this now”, but its so unrelated to my success, and its the same story regardless of what i achieve. Also nothing I do for her is enough, if I buy her groceries is “why i got only 1 pack of something, why only 1 litre of oil” and so on. I put down payment for a house, she asked why I havent refurbished her apartment and so on….
I've had sleeping problems since I was 13, and was resorting to altruistic suicide at 21 and was sent to a mental hospital.
The hardest thing about recovering from depression, is having to reintroduce yourself to your family, and everyone starts fights with you because they liked it better when you kept everything to yourself.
Love is the truth, but everyone drives me insane sometimes.
Just another day in America. 💜☯️🌌
13:13 - Kindness in boundary-setting involves being firm and consistent. It’s about valuing your own well-being and communicating that your limits are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean being inflexible, but rather finding a balance between accommodating others and ensuring your own needs are met.
By approaching boundary-setting with kindness, you create an environment where people feel heard and respected. This can lead to stronger connections and a mutual understanding of each other’s needs and limits.
Setting boundaries isn’t about closing doors; it’s about opening dialogues with kindness and understanding.
So many gems in this piece, thank you. As a retired professional ballet dancer, balancing feeling good about the art is a challenge because of the public performance aspect in order to be paid to do it. When I was young, the audience response was important, but the older I got, and the more I became familiar with the art and my tribe, ( the ballet company ), I only cared for the applause backstage, and actually tired of the audience and their predictable response. Also as a male ballet dancer, partnering is a main part of the art form. Being a good male partner means the ballerina has to be comfortable, and the male partner often has to sacrifice his comfort in order to make the performance not only look good but be safe. The only good partnerships are when both artists understand the experience must be shared and cared for together.
I used to be a people-pleaser but realized that I was being called fake behind my back. Now I don't give a shit and im called a narcissist 🤔🤷🏻♂️
Lmfao 😭🤫
I don't mind sacrificing myself to help others. I don't really care if I'm liked or hated for my acts. I'm happy enough knowing that I've helped the other person, even if they forget me.
I need no pleasure of my own, as seeing others attain it, is more than I could desire.
If I detect someone trying to use me though, I will back away completely, and let destiny do the rest.
Exactly when you sympatize with your friends and agree with their persona, you just wanna invite them for drink or w/e small things to appreciate them. Yes I feel sometimes like the “weak” one but my mind just want to do it for that person bcs I like them. Whats so wrong about it?
While finishing off my high-school I figured I wanted to help people. And I did for a while during my 6 years in ER. But during my time there it was plain to see that people seek pleasantries instead of being helped.
It made me grow distant towards people I came in contact daily through my shifts. Everyone and everything blended in together. I started disliking and later hating people overall. The small minority of people are actually pleasant and nice to deal with while the majority (the loud one of course) were expecting too much.
It takes a certain amount of ignorance to deal with most of people looking for help after you deal with enough of them.
Pleasing strangers and anyone outside of your close people/ones circles costs too much and is rarely worth it. I don't mind at all helping someone I'm close to or care about but the common stranger is usually the ones I avoid lending a hand to. Too many rotten apples in the basket to try and figure out which one is grateful for it.
One would wish that everyone was as thoughtful as you'd expect and alas...
It is what it is.
Don't fall for stupid schemes or traps, manipulations that people throw at you. You're better than that and you know it but are afraid to admit it. Time for you to care about yourself once in a while.
Be egoistic but not narcissistic. That is the key to proper balance.
"Pleasing strangers and anyone outside of your close people/ones circles costs too much and is rarely worth it." That includes my demanding dog! Just as @SIERRATREES said, animals need attention too! Though my partner thought I gave too much attention (and treats!).
I first learned to draw boundaries, and to calmly not accept mistreatment by others, ever just rude strangers. The actual breakthrough was finding real self love through meditation. I finally understood, at the experiential level, that I deserve to be happy. Not because I earned that through actions or qualities, but just because I exist.
Now I probably do more acts of kindness than ever before, but not with the expectation of getting smth in return and the subsequent resentment. People pleasing is, in it's own way, very ego-centric. It's all about trying to get something for the pleasing.
I am also much more comfortable with being honest with my loved ones, because I understand that letting them get to know the actual me is giving the relationship a real chance of becoming deep and honest.
This channel is Gold 🎉, thank you sir for such an informative video
I like that you got a little more personal in this one man. Great video I've got a lot to work on with this
Thank you :)
Thanks for doing what you do, man! I also grew up with a narcissist and have made it my mission to help others heal and grow 🙏
Honestly, big fan of your work. I think people pleasing will save the world long as ur not doing it to please people.
Morning wisdom always appreciated my guy! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving brother! You've helped me become the greatest version of myself. Gotta be selfish sometimes and spoil Yourself. No one is there for you more than yourself.
"No man is free who has not obtained the empire of himself. No man is free who cannot command himself" -Pythagoras
The answer to people-pleasing isn’t to stop; but to become friends with yourself.
Thanks for sharing some of your personal journey regarding this topic
Love this video, thank you so much for sharing it!! Been there, done that - same, narcissistic father and people-pleasing mother - finally woke up and started setting boundaries/uncovering my true self. Now I ask myself all the time "How do I feel? What do I want?" and try to be mindful of who I share my energy/time/attention with.
Awww that was nice and helpful ❤ we should please ourselves first. thank you! Much Love from Germany
Much of what you said sounds familiar. I have a similar relationship with my father where the concept of my individuality doesn't even exist, much less be accepted. Breaking out of that shell was difficult. As a matter of fact, it was another toxic relationship which caused me to reevaluate myself. My ex was a very toxic and narcissistic person who tried to crush my individuality and only wanted parts of me which would benefit her. After reaching a point of saturation, I cut ties with that person. However, it set off a chain reaction in my mind which made me evaluate other relationships in my life where I felt I was simply serving others at my expense, only asking for acceptance in return, and never getting it. So, I broke away from that mindset. I chose my individuality instead of acceptance. It's not to say that I've forsaken kindness or adopted selfishness, but as you stated, I'm drawing boundaries and not letting anyone step over them as I did in the past. I'm now in my late 30s and I often feel like I wasted my 20s being that people pleaser instead of paying attention to my needs. To anyone reading this, don't waste your youth as I did. Again, I would stress that don't get so self-absorbed that you become a selfish narcissist yourself, but don't always sacrifice your dreams for others. Sometimes, you have to for that is a virtue (depending on the circumstance), but not every time. Finally, every person is responsible for their actions. Don't let anyone blame you for their mistakes, and don't blame others for the ones you've made. You carry your burden and let them carry yours. Have sympathy, if you must, but don't ever carry their burden.
I feel you buddy, i am going through the same thing! I feel like being present is the key to finding that balance... Because when you are present you are not thinking and just being... And ultimately The " being " state is your true or authentic self. You can still choose to please. But because you are present you will feel it when it is the right thing for you or not. But this takes a lot of practice and dedication! For some people it comes naturally, ultimately it is something you can learn i think
"If you don't know what you want in life, others get to decide what you want"
You are very right, Mr. Bean!
This explains the meaning of the word self-frame, and our relationship with our personal choices.
When you enjoy your personal world for a long time, you do not escape from yourself, like most people.
Sometimes we satisfy our social side out of duty, but when our relationship with others becomes a necessity, problems begin.
I think that most people began to blame me for being vain in choosing things, and from here I began to feel happy that I was in line with my choices.
One of my relatives, I remember that since he was young he had what was called Frame. Everyone used to say that he was smart and annoying. When I grew up, I understood why they were flirting with his intelligence and at the same time being annoying. People simply respect those who have a specific and clear path, even if it is greedy or avaricious.
Today I see that my choices have nothing to do with any traditional social decisions. I just enjoy my world and build it every day. I use my relationship with people just to show off.
People drained so much energy from me that I reached my limit and started removing them from my life one by one. This time, I made sure to tell them why, and I've never felt more free. Also, understanding the meaning of "No one is pulling the strings up there but you" helped a lot.
A masterpiece, as always!!! Never interpreted Kafka’s metamorphosis this way, but now that I heard you say it, it immediately made so much sense! I wish I could express my gratuity for your videos beyond mere words. You literally make people’s life better, and to my mind there’s nothing more noble than that!
I believe there is a thin line between the sense of duty and making/keeping others happy which at times gets merged. People start pleasing others without even knowing or being aware of it.
You cannot deny the importance of validation. It's a dopamine. One just need to strike a balance between all these without losing oneself
Great content. This is what makes YT worth watching. @Einzelganger you are not alone. Many of us can relate especially fathers from the earlier generations. Men are in trouble today in different ways but the consequences will be similar. A horrible cycle. Stoicism and the 4 agreements have been tremendously helpful and reading about the lives of great people has also been an inspiration.
As always you made another piece of art here. Thank you so much, every video is a lesson.
People pleasing ended when i started my own journey. I don’t know how it happened.
The drive and idea of self worth is the seed that grows into great boundaries for your kingdom
What do you want? is a simple yet deep question to ponder.
I did stop by realising it, because I always said yes. Today is a bit different.
I used to be a people pleaser but I learned I the only validation I need is within myself because I know I am okay with who I am💯
Wow you just described me 😢 dam I need a lot of self reevaluation and self improvement
I am a people pleaser, I am 18 years old, studying what I don't what, for something I don't like , form a place I want to get away from ...but even after this video I can't figure out what to do .... i am confused now.
I probably still don't know what I want in life. But when I was young my dad arranged me a job with the hope I succeded him in his profession. But after I decided that's not what I wanted, I went working in a supermarket and met my best friends in life. I went eventually to the university (with thanks to my parents) to follow the college that I wanted. Now, I'm almost 39, probably still unaware what I want. But happy that I choose somehow my own path, even though it leads to nothing. Still I'm asking myself everytime I do something. Is this what I want, or does anybody else want me to this for him/her?
Thank you for sharing this video. I also was a people pleaser. What helped me was a long, hard work for self-discovery. Started from therapy ended in self-awarness.
Has it written I realize how ordinary it sounds😅.
Part of the journey was (and still is) watching your videos. I really appreciate your work 😊
Thanks for sharing your story with this one, I really enjoy your videos and they always give me a lot to think about. I still believe there is a healthy dose of people pleasing if it is returned in kind, and not at the cost of 'being yourself', but it is a fine line indeed. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving. :D
Impeccable timing I see
I was a people pleaser. Always trying to do what people expected from me and never even thinking what I really wanted. Thinking that pleasing other people somehow was good because they would please me too (someday) Well that never happend. Act of kindness are different I think because in an act of kindness you do it out of love and don't expect anything back ❤