My uncle was a cop and a detective back in the 70s and 80s. He was really successful and quit, kind of out of the blue. He told me years later that being a cop had "warped" his mind and that he hated the person he became. He said that (and I remember this like it was yesterday) "when you deal with the worst person in society every day, you start to think everyone is the worst person in society, and it changes you". I was in high school and he told me to never consider law enforcement as a career and he warned his boys against it as well. He really changed as he got older, and thought that the police were becoming a bunch of G.I. Joe's. Over 30 years later, and I think about this often.
I was also raised by cops, Mom, Dad, Step Dad( love that man RIP.) My Aunt, Grandfather was CIA so same wheel house ish. God father too and still is, a Sheriff, the Sheriff of my home county. They never warned me off their career path, but I went into the Army in 1999. Even today, with evidence that keeps building on the deficiencies of law enforcement, they will defend their past own actions but throw all the shade on others. The training, the leadership, bad laws, black market creation through narcotics laws, cash from prison schemes that exist from juvenile all the way to adult. They said they did they did the best they can with the institutions they had to work with. Here my rub. In 2002 my first deployment to Afghanistan there was a legitimate chance that I wouldn't survive, so I did interviews, audio and video with everybody I grew up with, all the adults in my life as I was becoming an adult and going to war. The conversations that I have with them now to include hindsight of just last 5 years in their remarks. Either they know the truth now that law enforcement too often acts as collection agencies at the same time taking huge percentages of the budget for whatever municipality they serve, that narcotics laws are reinforcing black markets while profiting low level arrests you know forever probation forever fees forever finds forever felons. They will tell me this now. And when I show them their own audio their own video of us having discussions of these very same issues about how my concern was that I might not have a chance to come back and contribute. I've lost a lot of friends lifelong friends cuz they don't want to acknowledge their own words of hypocrisy or actions ,no responsibility no leadership no accountability and these are cops their the cops that trained their replacements while I was off fighting wars for 15 years and I come home and we all just sad legacy now. Some of this was dictated on my phone, sorry for the Grammer
This opens my eyes to a situation I experienced. a cop pulled a gun and yelled “don’t block me in” because me and my finace tried to stop and ask him where we were supposed to park while trying to attend a court hearing. It scared the shit out of us and made us not feel safe asking for help from an officer anymore.
Same, I tried to talk to a cop pulled over so he could get a cute dog out of the street, or call the right people, and flipped out because I was walking towards him on the public street. Complete tyrant d-bags. We are the enemy they are the good guys in their war on humanity.
When I hear "Never call the cops." I remember a video of a veteran talking calmly to an officer after calling dispatch. He had left his front door open and his emotional support dog came up to them tail wagging and tongue out. Cop un-holstered and shot three times, killing the dog. 10 years of trying to recover from that life-or-death mentality war engrains. Only to see it in the eyes of a "public defender". All he could muster is "Why did you shoot my dog?" he understood what was happening. Not a single human has control over violence and to give people a badge that says they can is a curse upon us all.
I was sexually assaulted by a police officer over a decade ago and his department destroyed the evidence to protect him. I rarely meet people who will admit the reality of how many police conduct themselves. Thank you for being honest.
not even remotely similar or close, but about half the times i’ve been catcalled (most before i turned 18) have been by police in uniform STANDING WITH ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER
@@marsvp_ my now ex significant other, retired from the State Police here . Things I heard during our 13 year Relationship (lived together for 11) blew my mind. It's a tie between LE and Medical fields for the most sexually degenerate and again tied for first for the least loyal to their significant others.
The only good cop I've ever met was also an ex-cop; he was a former homicide detective in Philly and when he tried to expose a series of corruption-related assaults, murders and at least one rape (that being the last straw) he was told in no uncertain terms that if he made any more noise about it, he and his family would, and he quoted, "become the tragic result of a murder-suicide". He was forced to quit, move to the Chicago area, and become a professor. Thankfully, his wife and two daughters were still alive and well, last I heard. But that rape victim and those murdered folks... no justice. Which has to mean: No peace.
And you don't become detective over night, so that means that the "good-cop" had years of living in the cesspool that is Philly policing and I assume since he made detective, he wasn't doing a lot of reporting bad cops up until then. So the question is, can you really be a "good cop" with so many years under your belt? My assumption is no.
@@sevilnatas This is true of any job though. Can a truck driver really be good even though they directly contribute 100 times more pollution than a normal car?
@@Taykorjg Are you comparing truck driver farts to pollution generated by cars? I think, not only is that an unfair comparison, but I also contest the idea that truck driver are generating 10 magnitude more farts than cars produce pollution. That is an in human amount of flatulence, much like your comment.
@@sevilnatas This is a real non sequitur as the point was everyone is responsible for terrible things, to which truck drivers pollute vastly more than car drivers.
Thank you so much for making this video. I was raised by a father who grew up in Nigeria during their civil war. He would constantly talk about how horrible things WILL happen. Just as you describe he would use the color system, and tell me that I should never be any lower than yellow or Orange. He trained me in mma, krav maga, blades, marksmanship, hostage scenarios. His brain was broken. He was certain that “the men with guns” would storm into any place we happened to be and he instilled that in me since I was a child. I now can’t walk around without, exactly as you describe, visualizing everything that could go wrong. Whenever I’m in a space I have to make a ‘threat map’ and list all of the people in the room by level of threat they pose, and how I would take them out if I have to. I feel on edge, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed at all times. My mind can never rest and I hate it. Thank you so much for giving those self calming exercises. You are a great help. It is wonderful to know I’m not alone.
Hugs to you if you want them. It's sad the state of affairs. Distrust breeds distrust. On a philosophical level, everyone needs to take a leap of faith sometimes. It's good for the individual as well as mankind. Of course it's not without risk, but these things are like rings on water. A good deed will spread trust just as much as a bad deed will spread distrust. We can all help create tomorrow in this very tangible way. And by being conscious of the way empire spreads it's distrust and control. The hard part is balancing without getting consumed by distrust ourselves. I guess that's just life. That constant balance. Hopefully we can help veer things into the positive rather than the negative. I know your comment and this video did the former. Thank you to both of you from Finland/Sweden, Europe!
Our situations are completely different but I feel my advice might help you anyways; you gotta put some skin in the game to unlearn that behaviour. It frustrated me so badly when I realized that my relationship with my friends was at a plateau. It felt like any and all attempts I made to have them trust me fell flat. But I realised, they have no incentive to deepen our relationship when I never trust them with myself. I want them to share their deepest secrets with me, but I can’t share mine with them. A little vulnerability goes a long way ❤ sorry if this is a jumbled mess of words it’s like 3 am here lol
Both my parents were cops, and my step father. My sister became one too. I was never a cop, but that hypervigilance is always there all the same. They took it home with them & taught it to us. But for about a year or so I had relief because I started putting myself in fairly extreme risky situations (like taking unmarked cabs in Medellin alone at 3am because I'd gotten lost trying to find my hostel after drinking all night). I went in largely unprepared, winged every move. I forced myself to trust strangers in ways I never had, and the gamble worked. No one harmed me with anything but words, and those moments were quite rare. After 5 months of doing this kind of risky behavior, I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of good people who outweighed the bad & dangerous. The unmarked cabbie, he sought me out. I didn't flag him down. He was genuinely worried for me. And there were dozens of others like him. I hadn't done these things to try & find these people. I was just in a dark place, and angry at the way I looked at the world. I was so sick of being afraid, I think I just snapped a little. To be clear, I don't recommend anyone replicate this method. But I think there's a core lesson here: something about vulnerability heals.
This has very much been my experience with strangers too! And the people I was always told I should be able to trust the most always ended up being the ones who hurt me the most in real life, but even among them there were still people I could trust over time.
I had the same experiences in my late teens and early twenties. I hitchhiked a lot, and one time I was picked up by two Europeans in a tiny roadster and when I got out of the car the driver said "Have a nice life." And so I have.
Having travelled extensively, you realize that most folk are … just folk … trying to get from one day to the next with some smiles in between. I made sure to always carry a loaf of bread and some olive oil while backpacking. Amazing what splitting a small meal with someone will do to build some friendship.
It's borderline cultish. They're taught to fear and mistrust anything outside The Brotherhood, and treat any criticism of the organization or its running as a deeply personal attack
This really helped me to understand my own PTSD and hyper vigilance. The advice you gave to say "You don't need to rehearse right now. If this ever happens to you, you'll know what to do," out loud was so helpful. Even if you didn't mean it as advice, that's the most helpful tool I've heard so far, and I really appreciate it.
Obsessing over how everyone might be a threat does the opposite of keeping you safe. It puts you in more danger by making you an iminent threat to everyone around you.
If they don’t treat everyone as a possible threat, then the actual threats will be worse than they are now. If you’re not constantly aware of what’s happening in a situation, someone can catch an officer off guard. That already happens enough as is. When an actual threat comes along, quick response is almost not possible if you don’t look at everyone as a possible threat. All it take is a guy with a pocket knife to have a bad day and charge an officer at a random time during a stop. And note the word “possible” you’re not a threat till you do something threatening. You’ll be viewed as another civilian by cops unless you give them a reason not to. People are so scared if the police now, people don’t even have a respectable conversation with them.
@sparky6218 is that why there are countless instances of police killing innocent people in their own homes? And why there's an infamous video of an officer trying to start a gun fight with an acorn? And why completely unnecessary high-speed chases with suspects who can be safely contacted at their own homes at any time have the highest body count of any aspect of police work? And why the military aren't trained to assume that every civilian they're supposed to protect wants to murder them?
@@sparky6218 it's actually easier to recognize serious threats when they happen if you're aware that they're out of the ordinary than if you assume they're a foregone conclusion. Biochemistry is pretty good at reacting immediately to danger without being primed to perceive literally everything as dangerous.
There's no good answer for what you should and should not do and how you should or should not prepare. Rape, murder and robbery are very real things that happen everyday. A friend of mine is in Ukraine under the constant threat of multiple armies, reckless militias and looters. But paranoia can scar you for life.
My fiancé & I were having a loud vocal fight two years ago in our apartment. Someone had called the police & told them we had a gun (we did not, never owned a gun & never will) because I had said to my fiancé “put it down” referring to our iPad. Next thing we know they crashed our door down with guns pulled telling us to get on the ground. I was pregnant.
And imagine if you were actually a victim of DV and your partner had a gun pointed at you; kicking your door down and telling you both to get on the ground would have absolutely not helped the situation.
I had the same thought. I went from being a really heavy sleeper to waking up at the slightest noise or light, always hyperaware. Spent years sleeping in a car and was always on edge of the worst happening in such a vulnerable position and those thoughts and reflexes are ingrained deep into me still to this day.
Same. Similar at least. I'm trans and there were times my life was threatened. My family has noted I've been a savage since. I really did go into survivor mode. Now I'm a reactive and aggressive person and it's hard to change I get annoyed when Americans think Soldiers are the only ones who experience this kind of trauma. Clearly we weren't meant to be violent like this
@@adafrost6276 Oh shit man. You've just made me connect the dots and realise why I now wake up several times a night too. Often it's not a specific traumatic incident that breaks your brain so much as just the constant bubbling under the surface that comes standard with an inability to ever fully relax or trust anyone.
Oh yeah. Add in meth paranoia and you got me, roughly 35 years ago. It's been a long road away from hypervigilance and I STILL prefer the chair with my back against the wall.
@@TheOneTruePatriot this is how animals in the wild live. We see how much more fun and interesting they are when they are given a peaceful home and food. This is also how it is for people growing up in bad neighborhoods, always aware that a parent or someone else will go off.
I'm a Black man, an anti-militarist and an abolitionist. I've said for many years that my stance on police abolition is not based on my animosity for individual cops. It's about the training and the mindset. Thanks for being willing to speak out on this. I wish there were a lot more people like you. We'd get closer to peace.
For real. When I first stumbled across the video, I was worried it was going to be some kind of attempt to make people sympathize with police officers as a whole because they've "seen things". I'm glad the video didn't really go down that route.
❤ agree with you. I have a few folks in my life who do law enforcement things or used to. It's the training and instilling constant war zone mentality that I'm against.
I was an MP in the army. One thing I realized later on is how much it's fucked up how I look at other people. I was taught that absolutely everyone is dangerous and just waiting to cause me harm. The people I was supposed to be protecting I was also expecting to cause me harm.
Omg. I just stumbled onto this. I just resigned after 17 years. I’m only 43 and well short of a pension, I mention this only because you understand how serious that is. So much I want to say in response to your video. You absolutely get it and I relate to this so hard. I don’t even know what to say or how to respond to this video, I feel like…. Man I don’t even know what to say. It’s like validation that I’m not crazy.
I don’t think it’s done intentionally or maliciously, it’s merely the behavior they’re comfortable with. my therapist usually works with kids and when the kid starts changing their behavior the rest of the family always tries to rope them back into the patterns they’re used to.
@@oscaranderson5719 make no mistake. Their training comes from some pretty diabolical belief systems (today). Remember the 2nd amendment, sheriffs, and police were created in large part, to put down slave rebellions, and return property to the owners, in most cases, that meant human beings. I'm for justice across the board. You can't get justice when the good cops have to resign or are forced out because they "don't fit in" to the corruption and destructive mindset training cops go through.
@@shawna1278 oh no it’s absolutely abusive and I detest it but what I mean is that there’s no secret cabal of corrupt police profiting off this (er, at least not necessarily,) it is done even on a smaller scale by people who don’t necessarily serve to gain from this behavior. it is merely the result of abusive behavior reinforcing itself.
Not a cop I’m only 15 but I’m realizing that I’m doing this to myself because of anxiety. Thank you so much for this video, I am going to try to think differently from now on to avoid this
when you make a mistake at this age, people forget about the mistake less than two weeks later, unless you do something nuts. remember that. they forgot already the awkwardness. just know your brain is in flux with change so it’s not always fun rn
@@Bailderdash ok now is crunch time. if you are able, live with your parents as long as you can. unless they’re paying for your college and dorm, in which case, TAKE IT. This economy… is a nightmare! if your plan doesn’t include college but you still want to go, consider the air force reserves. they pay for school with minimal time being taken from you. don’t be fooled. I was an Army infantryman (28 currently), so trust me when i say air force. Choose no other branch unless we’re talking Space Force. the reason being is the food is better and they treat you like a man, not a robot killing machine (there are even benefits to being this although i dont reccommend it). anyway. there’s a heads up. do college if you’re parents are paying. live at home for as long as you can. people 18-22 have no clue yet what their lives will be, so dont feel bad if you live at home past 18
@@Max-zv8hm :D okay thank you!! I plan to live with them for a while, as they don't mind if I stay. I am not sure if they're paying for college or not we have discussed it a bit but haven't landed on an answer. But once I'm ready, me and my friends are planning on living together to ease financial struggles and take care of each other. Luckily I don't think I'm in a position where I'll have to go into any sort of military work.
@@BailderdashHey I’m almost 20 and still with my parents, shits tough to afford at all. Make a savings account now if you don’t already have one and save as much as you can while you’re still with your parents. Start building credit score as soon as you’re 18 (my method is just buying most my stuff on credit and immediately paying it off). Scholarships are great for college if you can get them (I sure as shit can’t lmao), but trade school is also an option if you don’t mind manual labor and need a cheaper alternative to a higher education. Also if you plan on living with friends, PLEASE have some form of formal legal written document going over things like rent payment, what happens if someone wants to move out, utility coverage, etc. that is signed by everyone (you can find these types of things online, or at least a guide for them). No matter how good of friends you are, make everyone sign a legally binding agreement. Too many friend groups have messy endings because there was no legal contracts (? can’t think of the right word) around housing situations. Wishing you luck with everything.
I know you said that this video wasn't meant to inspire sympathy for cops but for me it did and that's exactly why I'm a police abolitionist. What you're describing sounds like a form of trauma, and any institution that traumatizes the people who work for it does not deserve to exist, especially when the primary function of the people who serve that institution is allegedly to protect and serve the rest of the public
I totally get that and I feel the same way. I actually specifically said I wasn't trying to make people sympathize/empathize because I know a lot of people are really sensitive to how a lot of times, for example, white shooters get these deep media profiles and this humanizing coverage and sometimes it can feel like explaining someone's behavior is excusing it. So I was trying to be careful about that.
I think it’s totally fair to be sensitive about that! I think that’s part of why I love your perspective so much because you care so much about not hurting your audience but also aren’t afraid to go into a subject with full force with a good content warning. I think the important thing to know is that all of these media profiles are not real empathy. Empathy does not just mean telling a sensationalized sad backstory, empathy means doing our best to enter the mindset of someone doing something wrong to examine why they may have done it and what we can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
This is why it's been my observation for years that there are so few "good cops" because good _people_ either don't stay cops, don't stay _good,_ commit suicide or are murdered. Those are the most common predictable outcomes of the kind of pressure, the training and culture that our police as an institution subject human beings to. Even if they never see how the system as a whole is broken, white supremacist, classist and utterly dehumanizing, they're still people; they're still affected by the anxiety and hatred that's drilled into them all in the name of "law enforcement." Abolition, for everyone's sake. Great work, Phil.
A disproportional amount of cops are suffering from mental illness. The worst part is alot of them don’t realize it bc of the lack of emotional intelligence/ignorance and conditioning. This usually manifests as displaced outbursts of anger and dangerous narcissism/entitlement. Add racism to this mix and disaster. Any normal unhinged thinking human being can logically arrive at this same conclusion. But American society has so many ills and assbackwards logic for the purpose of…..you guessed it Capitalism. America is a social experiment.
As a black woman, I relate to the hyper vigilance and dissociation just to find a break. I feel that's how I live every day since I was a little girl. This was an interesting video, thank you for sharing your experiences. My take away is that for most cops, the "protect" in "protect and serve" means protect YOURSELF and service is an afterthought
Yeah that section was like… damn, that’s been my WHOLE life since puberty. Hypervigilant, having to look scary/crazy to avoid unwanted attention, getting safety advice that feels like it’s just a primer for more judgement (“You didn’t lock your car doors right after you got in?! Well, no wonder someone assaulted you.”) It fucking sucks and does truly make everyone look like a threat. You only have to be wrong once to get hurt badly, so it’s hard to say that’s an irrational take, especially when you hear from EVERY woman you know about their own assaults. I don’t know what the right answer is.
"the american officer safety mindset is a clear and present threat to everyone in the country" i don't think i could have understood this without this video. scary stuff.
Yeah they train to see insubordination as a deadly threat to them and the public. Their main mission is to not die. You combine that with them dealing with a lot of lying terrible people- it’s turns them into monsters sometimes.
Like cops should primary deescalate,that first, even and especially in sreassful situations. Like the seeing thwe worst is one thing, but the killology and deal wwith hoot first, is the most dangerous.Also force cops into therapy ok. And evaluations.
This is the first video I've seen of yours. And it's so unreasonably relatable. My father put me through this as a small child, "be ready to go further than the other guy", teaching us dangerous and painful moves "as a deterrent", telling us horror stories of kidnappers and shit, "there's always someone out to hurt you". He was also horribly abusive, and the worst thing I've ever dealt with. I have cPTSD and anxiety now, among other things. I still deal with the mental toll every day. As strange as it is, I'm glad to not be alone
I can only have anything but absolute respect for someone who has lived this job first hand and decided to do the right thing and say the quiet parts out loud.
I was a soldier for 8 years, you don't need a traumatic event to have PSTD, the long term hyper vigilance will cause you mind to sorta act like a broken record. I joined the Army to help pay off my student loans. I never had the desire to kill anyone, and I am happy that I never did. What you said on your experience is exactly like what I did, just prepared my mind for just that contingency, to keep visualizing scenarios on how to react on my training to eliminate someone who wants to kill me and fellow soldiers. Years of therapy, medication, and meditation to just stop my mind still playing that broken record.
My kid's ex came back from basic almost a completely different guy. His vibe even changed and he became an abusive ahole and cheated. I just think he got triggered and can't cope. But I've always wondered what happens to the psychy of those who don't make it to the "rebuild confidence" chapter...and wash out early. Do they stay sad?
When I was about 8 years old, my sibling and I got into a fight at home, my mom didn't know what to do so she called the police. By the time they arrived, everything was fine. I, however, was scared of the police and hid in my room. The officer told me to come down, and I refused at first and then came down the second time. For not following a command, I was put in handcuffs. They were heavy and dug into my skin, and I was forced to sit in my kitchen and talk to this guy. He had well over 100 pounds on me, I wasn't a threat, and he wouldn't take them off. I felt so scared and humiliated. 2 years later, I found a large spider on my porch, so I went to my friends house 2 doors down and got him to help deal with it. Being young boys we thought it'd be fun to shoot it with his airsoft M16, we walk over to my house, shot the spider, turn around and see a cop kneeling behind the open door of his car, gun drawn and aimed at us. Again I'm just 10 years old and fucking scared. What happened next was a blur but basically we told him it wasn't a real gun, he threatened to arrest us but ended up confiscating the airsoft rifle. Those were two of several incidents involving the police in my childhood, and in all of them the police I encountered were ineffective and overzealous. This made me decide at a young age thay I would never call the police, if there was danger I was on my own. Ironically this resulted the the same mentality that you describe in your video forming and staying for the rest of my life. I nearly didn't finish school because of my hypervigilence, always waiting for a shooter or fight. It caused me to handle situations where I was in immediate danger of bodily harm or even death in an aggressive, head on manner. It meant this I got into fights, and i had to fight like i didnt have any backup, which i often didnt. it meant that people got hurt because of me and my fear and my hypervigilance. Even though I never threw the first punch, and all my fights were considered justified, I felt bad about it. I had pictured these scenarios so often and it so many variations that by the time something did happen and someone was trying to hurt me, they never had a chance. To deal with the stress of that hypervigilence, I turned to drugs to calm my mind. That mentality broke my brain and I still can't completely let it go. I'm 25 now and I'm sober, working a job I like, and life is going okay. I'm content. I'm just now coming to terms with what my mind has been doing for nearly 20 years, I'm beginning to heal. Something needs to change with how policing operates in this country, but it's so fundamental that I'm not sure if it can happen. One thing I'll say to close, if you've been dealing with hypervigilence for a while, it can get better. And if you've made it this far, thank you for reading.
It’s honestly so disappointing to read your experience coming from the other end of the stick, when we would have cops show up to our house on call for domestic abuse and they would see us scared and crying and walk away, over and over. Oh you ran away covered in bruises with a broken ankle? Your mum called us worried, let’s go back to her in the car, never wanting to hear why you were out walking in the bush for hours alone and scared and beaten. They fail everyone every step of the way, every experience I’ve ever heard or ever had has instilled one thing into me. Never ever call the cops, never ever think the police will help you. That should be telling enough, im sorry you’re still dealing with the effects of that. It’s hard after years of living a certain way, viewing the world through a constant lens of anxiety and hypervigilance, assessing everything around you and planning for what could go wrong, preparing yourself. Healing is hard and it takes a long f ing time but we will get there, from one stranger to another, you can do this ❤️
For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry you've dealt with all of that. My friend and I, ages 7 and 6 at the time, were drawn upon by three officers: our crime, playing with green and yellow, foam nun-chucks in a park. Those are some dangerous humans, for certain.
Glad you are finding a better life these days. Watch as many comedians as you can, it will change your brain chemistry and offset our crowded noisy world. ✌️🙂
This is not a defense of police but the cops reaction to your friends Airsoft gun looking like an M16 regardless of your age is understandable. No matter the age id feel unsafe seeing what looks to be a real gun for all I know in the few seconds of driving by and seeing kids holding it
That second story made me feel scared for you, and I don't even know you. That's how scary that situation is, imagine you're just a 10 year old boy playing around with a friend and with toy guns, only to turn and see a Cop with his gun drawn and aimed directly at you ready to fire 😢
As black woman living in a conservative, white area, it’s refreshing to see content creators like you. This video was so well done, and eye opening. Glad you touched on such a necessary topic especially with your background. Couldn’t help but to immediately subscribe.
This is why it doesn't make me feel safe when cops randomly drive through my neighborhood. It's a show of force and an introduction of a violent and unstable element into my home life.
They trained you into having generalised anxiety disorder, for fuck's sake, I have that due to years of bullying and threats, unstable guardians... I bet they also made therapy look like a bad idea, like my school and family did, they probably used therapy as a PUNISHMENT, like my school did, if you misbehave too much you got sent to the educational psychologist, making it into a bad thing by association, too many infractions you get sent to the occupational psychologist... That's systematic, that's on purpose, by design, someone, somewhere wanted that system in place, to keep you in an emotional and psychological stress position.
As I was listening to him talk it... was weird to relate to so much of it. It absolutely sounds like they train a specific sort of social anxiety into you. I can't sit with my back to the door/too many people, either, and honestly until now I thought that was normal. If I don't dissociate in public spaces I get itchy and hot and overthink EVERYTHING and... While not exactly the same it definitely sounds similar to how he was talking about it.
A lot of people including myself developed crippling hyper vigilance living in "the hood" I saw unbelievable urban atrocities growing up in Southside Chicago and still have cousins who gangbang because not picking a side means getting harmed or worse by both sides, I never realized how bad it was until my white homeboys pointed out how paranoid I constantly am. it's genuinely akin to living in an urban war zone, I'm 19 and I've never been in the military but I'm all to familiar with the sound of bullets cracking against brick and concrete...
@@SanguinaryBlade I grew up with parents who kept trying to insist I should be anxious and fearful of everyone and everything, and they would get so mad when I would insist I would be fine. When I became a young adult I was so tired of being afraid I started trusting people and situations and I haven't had anything horrible happen to me. It's nice living in peace now, but they would still get upset with me whenever I didn't demonstrate fear in most situations. I still go out much less than most of my friends, but I can at least enjoy my life more than my family members
Yess!!! Triangulation Through Weaponized Therapy!!! & Then Upon You Getting Reasonably Upset For A Completely Valid Reason, You Get Hit With; "Did You Take Your Medicine Today?" Psychologically & Emotionally Abvsive As Fvck!!!
I was a paramedic for 8 years. I can't tell you how much your video resonated with me. These feelings aren't talked about much and I appreciate you being open about your experience. I will be sending this to some EMS friends of mine. Thank you.
I spent 4 years as an EMT and 11 years as a Correctional Officer at a maximum security penitentiary. I understand exactly what you're talking about and it's still something that I struggle with. This is something that I've tried to explain to people and never can seem to find the words. Thank you. I'll start sharing this with them. I'm going to try and use some of these exercises that you've discussed. For the record, I got out of corrections to save what was left of my own mental health; most of the issues I had on the job was with other staff. Vast majority of the inmates just wanted to be talked to with some dignity and I did my best to create a chill, relaxed atmosphere in the units I worked and a lot of my "brothers" and "sisters" didn't like that.
I get it. I had problems with staff and the offenders only saw me as a talking sex object. I had one particular offender that was obsessed with me. I reported him and they got me fired for talking to him, making up a narrative that I led him on despite me telling him to stop multiple times. I tried to commit suicide and I had to be admitted. They are still doing this.
Holy hell. I have C-PTSD and what you described is exactly how my brain functions. I'm so sorry you had to live like that. And I'm floored that this is representative of how cops in the country think. I can barely function when I'm having intrusive thoughts, and these cops... You really opened my eyes to a lot of things tonight. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experiences.
Was gonna say the same thing, I also have C-PTSD and struggle with intrusive paranoid thoughts. It's nuts that we allow the people who are supposed to protect us to become so violently, pathologically fearful of their own communities.
I have C-PTSD too due to severe emotional abuse growing up. I was recently able to get a surprising amount of relief from THC and CBD, so maybe that could help you guys too.
I also have CPTSD, and after taking a women’s self defense class, I lived in that keyed up, hyper vigilant state for months. I had personally experienced how much stronger men are than women, and I knew that if I was caught unprepared that I had no chance at winning a conflict. So I was prepared to fight any time I was in public. Therapy and SSRIs helped after about 10 months. Also, getting a barky dog helped, because if I felt uncertain in a situation, my dog would start barking and I’d have an excuse to remove myself, but if there really was no danger, then I’d focus on calming my own emotions so I wouldn’t worry my dog.
The hyper-vigilance feels exactly like what I had to teach myself to get by as a low income Black person who lived on their own since very young. I'm glad for this perspective of yours.
@@mikhaelis Do you think that the human brain differentiates between the two during high stress periods in any significant manner, or is that just a vernacular preference?
French cop here. I find this perspective quite fascinating. If there is one police in Europe that is very close to the American one, it's the French. We have a rather similar history of ghettoisation of racial minorities alongside police racism, violence and abuse. Everyday, I see Union rep calling for less accountability for French law enforcement. I see the same argument being brought forward when it come to the use of force: "cops are always considered guilty", "it will make cops hesitate", etc... We are constantly bombarded by our hierarchy and the media about how our "opponent" are violent and want to fight with us. Yet, we do not have this mentality of being 24/7 paranoïd. It actually quite the opposite. It's not "what if some bastard want to kill me", it's more "nothing ever happens". The main difference is that we do not have a shred of the tactical training US cops have. Most of us are desk jockey and glorified drone for the prosecution service. We are evaluated physically once every two year, we shoot 50 round per years to train and that's pretty much it. We basically never train for actual fighting and this frightening a lot of us, because we are supposed to engage with mass shooter should they happen.
I just found this video. Im a cop... as soon as he said that. I immediately thought, this man shouldn't of been a cop. And if thats the culture he was policing with, his department needs to be reformed.
@@imMikeCeehe was being sarcastic and aiming at the culture and you know for a fact that culture is not an exception on "his department" and it's "shouldn't have" btw
@jolie6107 I'd never say that a department doesn't need improvement. None of them are perfect and they will never be. But I'd say an agency allowing that type of policing and culture to flurish requires a bit more urgent attention, wouldn't you agree? So yea seeing as how what he is saying is miles away from what im experiencing then yea I guess i am the exception.
hey, funny thing, I have a hypervigilance habit that I would describe similarly that I've only started to break down. I've never been in the police or the military or even ever had anything violent happen to me. It was all from being born female and having a parent I was afraid might finally snap one day. I've been deathly afraid of being assaulted for nearly my entire life. It's insane to me that squads of people are deliberately trained to feel that way and given firearms. I don't know who I would wind up shooting first; some innocent or myself.
My little brother became a cop. I see his choice as one possible response to our family's poverty and the abuse prevalent in Central Appalachian communities. My politics are to the farthest Left and I've practiced them. Being a cop tore our bond as brothers apart and eventually, the other cops didn't take him into the "brotherhood" since he read a lot and showed compassion. I despise cops. Thanks for speaking out.
@@ndr6495 Man, that's a twisted interpretation of what I wrote. He chose to be a cop because he needed to belittle and bully people and lord that grandiosity, the grandiosity that accompanies that badge, over others. Being a cop allowed the worst of him to move to the forefront. It's a way of spiritually truncated a person. And it's real shame.
@@TerryTappArt You're right, I'm sorry for jumping to a conclusion. I've just seen friendships and family torn apart because of stronghold biases about all cops and utter inability to see them as people too, which I think contributes to cops brains' being even more "broken". But your response shows me otherwise so thanks for explaining.
This is exactly what is meant by “the institution is broken”. I’m not sure why people stop at the criticism itself and don’t look at the reasons why. I would continue to emphasize this as much as possible in as many videos as possible since for some reason people stop listening to details and facts once their beliefs and opinions are challenged and we desperately need more earnest educational offerings and approaches to the discussions.
Guess everyone, even non-right-wing christians, just stops at the phrase without considering were it even comes from, because we all are trained somehow to not go further, ever. The common sense in society is to be presented with ideas already "broken down" and classified as good or bad to us, with clear (unnempirical) logical stuff and illogical stuff. Our "job" as the average people is to simply suck in the info and ridicule the baddies. Even being a "die hard leftist" proud of, and even praised for, researching each and every single facet of anything I ever dare to defend of despise, even I thought the idea that "the entire corporation is rotten" were ridiculous and we were just dealing with a few bad apples. Then we actually stop to listen to people that have this idea and take a look at actual police training, and voillá, it's not a simple-minded, ridiculous ideology, it was the truth all along. It's really hard to break free form common sense and fully embrace good sense. It's ingrained. I say that from experience.
@@ViniSocramSaint well I’m not sure that is some kind of human nature more than it is exploitative power and politicization. “black v white”, “us v them” mentality helps agenda combat its opposition. we are encouraged to simplify and dichotomize through propaganda because it serves power.
That's why when I suggest reform to certain architypes of people, I go at it from a pro cop perspective. It makes me feel gross, but at the end of the day it's more important to work together so we can actually get something done. They want us disorganized and fighting against each other too much to ever change things. Plus it's true, I don't want to get into it, but a long time ago I came VERY close to being a cop, only stopped once I ironically spent enough time around other future law enforcement to realize I'm not one of them. I want the system to allow good cops, and what we have right now is the opposite. You HAVE to be a killer, a liar, you HAVE to lock people in a draconian cell, knowing it wont help them, knowing they didn't hurt anyone but themselves, and probably not even that. The point I'm trying to make is, in certain circles, I approach the topic by presuming that pro cop people actually want cops to be the good guys. And I explain to them why that can't be. Because the institution demands you lie, demands you follow corrupt orders, demands you aid and abed criminal coworkers, enforce unjust laws. If they really want good cops, they need to clean house. And probably get a whole new house. And new house rules. Hopefully a new land lord too. Sorry if that metaphor got confusing lol. They need to do away with the drug war, civil forfeiture, bonds, sweeping reform of the courts systems, and more. But do all that, and you wont have to defend cops anymore. Everyone wants cops, we just don't want THESE cops. We want to feel safer around them, feel like they wont kill our loved ones, or hem us up for profits and victimless drug offenses. We can't have good cops until the job they sign up to do actually reflects that. It's the only way you will get certain people to listen. That, or if they, or someone they love, experience police abuse and mistreatment for themselves first hand. It's insane, we've been doing this dance for hundreds of years, and instead of giving people a way out of poverty, addiction, educations, meaningful lives, we just keep giving money to the cops, expanding them, and acting like it's needed because unsurprisingly, hiring more cops, meant more crimes being charged, because cops needed to justify their existence. Imagine how much cheaper it would be to enforce law in city full of people who had purpose, and felt fulfilled in life. That didn't want for any basic life necessity. But they don't want, it would be cheaper, but they aren't the ones paying to begin with. They want crime, they want to justify keeping the oligarch private army numbers high. And ready to follow orders without hesitation.
@@dishonoredundead with the other comment gone I can’t accurately respond with all context of the conversation. I’m not even sure what I originally replied to now. not sure what you mean by “certain archetypes” or “pro-cop perspective”. You mean reform? vs what like defunding or abolition? do you really know what defunding or abolition are? More like what you said except without the establishment and institutionalization. I used to work in the school system and “defunding education” was a topic everyday because it happened every year for decades and no one flipped about that word or activity then lol. Part of this thing about “fighting against each other” is it’s own agit propaganda to make it seem as if certain people are calling for things they aren’t actually or won’t at all appear like the lack of organization or structure the propaganda is implying. people need to not listen to what people who are anti-defunding or anti-abolition say that defunding or abolition mean and actually hear what those calling for it mean, especially all those who literally sociological and scientifically compiled and composed the theory and resolutions.
I have cPTSD. I often say: "My inner alarm system is like a badly calibrated fire alarm. Light a candle and it goes off." I know that. So when my alarm system goes off, I know I have to: 1) find a way to remove myself from the situation. I literally do not know if I'm in danger or overreacting. 2) calm down. 3) analyse the situation as rationally as I can. To imagine that someone would hand me a gun and say that 1) should be: "shoot" is... just asking for innocent people getting killed.
Damn, your story was literally that meme "it was another Tuesday." As someone who struggles with intrusive thoughts, if it's bad self-talk, I imagine it's Dale Gribble telling me that crud. I do the same as you for my imagination as you. I have to keep things "behind doors" and put them on mental shelves. If it's REALLY BAD, I have to let it play through and treat it like a fanfic and put it on a "shelf." This was super eye opening. Thank you so much. Sloppy vlogs are perfect and helped balance the tone a bit with "hangout" vibes.
Dale... Genius. Maybe I'll do that with Boomhauer. "Talkin' bout dang ol active shooter in this Walmart throwin' them ol smoke grenades man, gotta get low, man."
That explains what I've been wondering about for a long time: what makes American cops so cowardly? It seems that every time they're in trouble for police brutality, murder, or dereliction of duty, their excuse is always, "I was scared". Now it makes sense--their training demoralizes them.
Like cops should ot be trained to kill to be sure, and mental selfcar, tools to dscalat primary. Not prpar thm for a war. Also the army seems to be better at deescalating which . ... Why are cops trained to be killing mahines, and tool of terror, without military disciplie.
yeah exactly. if you spend months telling someone that anyone they see could be the person who kills them then they’ll spend their entire life in fear of everyone else. and then they give them a gun. i mean, jesus christ, no wonder there aren’t any good cops.
I think you raise the important point here that cops are not trained this way worldwide. There are many alternative training protocols that could be studied and implemented to make policing safer for the community and healthier for the police. It's only in the US that this looks like "abolition".
“If this ever happens you’ll know what to do” is so true!! You, as a man with experience, will react almost naturally in any violent situation you come across in real life.
being able to hear the perspective of an ex-cop turned police abolitionist is so fascinating and valuable. thanks for sharing, i really appreciate you making these videos.
The fact they drilled paranoia into your mind instead of helping the innocent is the sickest part. It's never been about protecting the public, it's always been about battling the public and preservation of self. They do not protect, and they do not serve. The US Supreme Court has ruled that cops are there to first and foremost protect private property, not "protecting and serving" US.
@@mattgilbert7347 Yeah this is true, some care more about protecting property than protecting lives, since property has a calculable value and lives do not (life is priceless, but that can also lead to the opinion that there is no value to human life because its not tangible).
I was in the military and the police training you are describing is exactly what the military is trainined for. Officers shouldn't be trained like military personnel because they are dealing with civilians not combatants.
There are two ex police in my family, and each of them ended their police careers after a very long time on mental health leave. And they both after so many years still need regular counseling. They are scarred.
My dad gave me this on a more soft core level. He was a cop and always told me to be cautious and ready for tragedy. It makes me feel ready but he gave me all the worries he had and I fight everyday to try not to give it unto others. I wasn’t where he was but it impacted him so much, it influenced my entire family.
In a sociology class in college the professor pointed out some papers that studied how veteran police officers are more likely to interpret all gestures as dangerous. Over time, old cops become more likely to interpret situations as being dangerous. Nothing is more dangerous than an old cop. They don’t take shit but they can’t read the room. This “brain breakage” leads to many instances of outrageous use of force and all the while the men doing this violence are scrambled. I do have sympathy for cops to the extent that I recognize that the job is so psychologically damaging. I think it’s a reflection of how damaging capitalism is to every human spirit.
I’ve long wondered if a good START would be to just organize police officers like workers. The “police union” is a glorified lobbying/political/PR group. It does little of what a normal trade union does. I can’t help but wonder what policing could look like if they had real trade unions instead of what they actually have. Esp bc I’ve read so many stories about PDs being integrated, hiring BIPOC or women, or in situations where there’s a whistleblower on the Force, & they get hazed, harrassed, threatened, mysterious sabotage, etc etc & those cops would have some protection & recourse with a genuine union having their backs. A real union probably wouldn’t have let a bunch of cops get covid while they fight mandates either. (Or pass covid on to vulnerable people packed in institutions in their care.) Individual PD union chapters that network into a national union with trade union principles can become a scaffold for other reforms along the way to transforming or abolishing the role of LEOs-for eg I saw another commenter on a different channel talking about standardizing a national baseline education curriculum/program/degree-credentialed path specifically for LEOs; it can get grandfathered in while cutting the current “conference copaganda” workshops/training LEOs get currently, a lot of which is pseudoscience + copthink-magical-thinking-manifestation like the fentanyl training or blood spatter forensics, plus hearty helpings of aggro patriot thin blue line/us vs everyone who isn’t us type crap taught by charlatans with tenuous exaggerated careers in law or military, some with stolen valour, & the Warrior Culture diet they get fed like geese slated to become foie gras.
Couldn’t agree more, and once you mention capitalism like that prepare for hell hath no fury like a preconceived scorn Stockholm syndrome suffering flood of knee jerk reaction induced victims popping out of the woodwork to chastise you, that was quite a mouthful but so is capitalism.. lol.
The way we understand trauma/addiction is flawed in our society. I believe this stems from our spiritual pitfalls (concept of sin). I have struggled with social anxiety and relate heavily with the yellow baseline when in public. Truth is addiction, trauma, crime are not individual failings but societal ones. We aught not to believe in punishment as means to heal because it engrains a mindset that self-inflicts that dilemma.
@@ozymandiasramesses1773having “wicked imaginations” is a sin…. Whether it’s violence, sex, traumatic. Etc. so if you’re doing work where you have to CONSTANTLY imagine blowing a guys brains out or walk in on a disaster out murder scene bloody and gore victims etc. you are in deed inviting a demonic force into your life.
I cannot express how impactful this video is on my life today, right now and since I first watched it. Watching it again now so I can discuss this with my therapist today.. I wish I could do more to express my gratitude. Maybe I can come to believe that I am not what I so fear that I've become.
I can tell you that as a Vet this kind of programming and amplification is both incredibly hard to shake and one of the things that stems from and easily leads to PTSD and self harm. It's a problem that many of my fellow Marines have had to deal with and something my younger and older siblings had to shake off when they got back from their combat deployments. It's also one of the things that can lead to horrendous outcomes if you cannot set aside. The fact is people in general are not built to be in a heightened state of awareness, sensing threats, constantly. It is mentally exhausting, morally draining, and easily induces paranoia. And this is just talking about a regular nine month deployment to a combat zone, where more than any place in life the possibility of death does indeed creep ever closer. To willingly subject yourself to something like that on a daily basis cannot be good in any respect.
This almost brought me to tears. As a former security professional and almost cop, your talk about hypervigilance was so spot on. I'm so glad I didn't pursue a career in law enforcement. It was hard enough breaking the mental patterns I had developed as just security.
So, this kind of cop mentality supposedly exists "to protect the officer from harm"... ...while, in actual practice, it's yeeting the officer's mind directly to the Immaterium to be torn apart by the Chaos Gods. Got it.
Cops: If you don't constantly visualize your own violent death, you will be unprepared and hesitant when *that day* comes. Uvalde cops when *that day* came: I can't go in I visualized my own violent death too much
My personal take is because they recognized they were throwing themselves into harms way and that goes against their trainings. From what I've seen, researched, and heard its clear cop training isnt about saving people but instead its about self preservation.
thank you so much for sharing your experience(s) with us. you articulate it so well. i had hypervigilance and PTSD from a number of scary incidents and i still can't relax in crowds. i am quite comfortable being a hermit with a good social network!
I live in sweden, i did some military service about a decade ago, never deployed into a warzone tho. But i did some active guard duty protecting secure mobilization points and secret areas, and once we had a situation were i almost had to become violent, dont want to get into too many details but we were able to deescalate the situation and it was all a big missunderstanding, essentialy it was a case of civilians playing airsoft in the forest and was unaware that there was secret stuff nearby and had not notified police beforehand. So we rolled upp with guns ready on a group of people in russian gear looking as if they were on a sabotage mission. Things got tense there for a while and i sat there in the car checking the gun and psyked me upp to get in the mindset. One hand on the gun, the other on the car handle, starring at the officers back, watching for the signal to go out there and start engageing the enemy. Nothing came of it. We did not need to shoot anyone, and i am very fucking happy about that, but it still to this day returns from time to time in my mind that at that point in time. I was ready to kill, and that is a very disdurbing thought.
Not sure why I got recommended this but I’m glad I did. My father was a very private man but he was always on alert. Even a nice summer day going for ice cream he’d say “If I was in my car I’d arrest that guy”. He physically abused me one time so badly my mom called the cops. The cops gave him the little handshake thing and told me “in Florida you’re allowed to discipline (beat) your kids”. I was puffy and bruised and bleeding and crying. My mom said my uncle would pick me up, my dad said he’d “stand his ground”. I had so many questions I needed answers for. I had so many things I wanted to yell at him for. But now he’s gone and I’m just left with confusion and sadness. I’m glad this was recommended. I needed some answers.
I'm often accused of being against friends of mine who are currently in police work, and this couldn't be further from the truth. I know people who are wonderful gardeners, dedicated parents, earnest thinkers and all around wonderful folks, but so long as they put on badges and take up arms they're unfortunately going to be part of an organization that is a danger to the public. And it's a hell of thing on their mental health, even if I think they get weirdly attached to it.
@@ThatDangDad The issue I have always had with the idea of some cops are actually good people, is that I can't count them as "Good Apples" if they aren't reporting the "Bad Apples". Correct me if I'm wrong, but, based on the current state of policing in america, a "Good Apple" would be making reports constantly, if they were, by my definition, a "Good Apple". As the saying goes, "A few bad apples will spoil the bunch." meaning that you need to get the "Bad Apples" away from the "Good Apples" or you will be left with nothing but "Bad Apples". Based on your descriptions of police training, that "Bad Apples" are in command, and they have been in that position for decades, IF NOT FOREVER. (being that police officers in america started as slave hunters, it is probably closer to forever) So at this point, if you are a "Good Apple" in the beginning, you will either quit, be fired, or become a "Bad Apple". We as a country are doomed.
@@sevilnatas Oh, when they're in uniform, these friends of mine stop being friends until they're off duty. And I wouldn't talk to them about anything that might get someone hurt. Less 'they suck' more 'there's no way to separate them from the institution even partly while they're on the clock'.
@@sevilnatas Because of the normalization of that metaphor, the original meaning was lost. The metaphor used to have a specific meaning: one bad apple will cause an entire barrel of apples to spoil. So, if you have one bad apple in a barrel, after not much time, you have an entire barrel of bad apples. People mix metaphors here with an implied reference possibly to the parable of the sheep and the goats; as if there are good apples (sheep) and bad apples (goats). But the two metaphors are completely different. The fact that you have bad cops implies the entire police department is rotten. There are no "good apples" in a police department like that.
@@noosphericaltarzan I believe the cliche can have two different meanings. The first would be that the presence of the one bad apple ruins the bunch because even one bad apple is enough for a person to perceive the bunch of apples is all bad. The other meaning, which I most ascribe to, is that fruit has a property that when a spoiling or rotten piece of fruit is put in with fresh versions of the same fruit, the "ripening hormone" Ethylene, that bad apple speeds up the maturing or spoiling process in the rest of the bunch, and if left unchecked, the rest of the bunch goes rotten prematurely. The later is what I am referring to and I contend that we should have gotten that "bad apple" outta the bunch decades ago. Although it may be the case that we actually started with a bunch of bad slave hunters, I mean apples, and we have been introducing good rookie cops, I mean apples, into the bunch of rotten apples, and they don't have a chance. They go bad very quickly, due to the overwhelming amount of Ethylene emanating from all the bad apples.
I don't live in the US, but I have an inkling of the slow torture of that mindset. My late dad was a firefighter-paramedic and got to see all the guts, gore and mangled bodies and stared the bottom of a bottle tears in his eyes for so many nights. Especially after he "scraped some kids head from the pavement into the bag" and similar cases. He sometimes told the stories when he was on the second 1 liter bottle of 42% vodka. I, on the other hand, got the hypervigilance through psychosis-style paranoid-disorder ("faulty frame of reference" I think they called it) after years of bullying from kindergarten til I was 14. Constantly waited for attacks on the streets, dreaded parked cars with people in them or dark windows. Fought down full panic when someone was on a roof etc. Had researched the whole damn city center block by block for ambush- and hiding points. Aaand then the darker stuff I don't need to dig publicly. After 7 years, I was awake (again) one night and started a conversation from my dissociated part to my "here"-part. "Hey, something ever happen after the bullying stopped?" "No?" "Well, shouldn't you go get help, then, cause this ain't gonna end well?" "Guess you're right." Still, 24 years later when I'm in a crap mental state, the old loop starts revving up. And it's exhausting as hell and when you tire, it get's harder to fight it off. If I combine that with my dad's condition and think about someone like that having a gun and authority... Yeah, I think I'm not heading over to your side of the Atlantic any time soon. I'm worried enough around the local law enforcement with all the stuff that's surfaced about them in connection with the swastika-crowd.
I'm sorry for your suffering! Anxiety and PTSD are disabling. I overcame mine by practicing mindfulness and mediation. I also study A Course in Miracles.
i really like this video format. it gives a much-needed human perspective to police abolition, particularly from the ex-cop side of things. the whole police system is abuse - people are abused by the system when they become cops, they abuse civilians on duty, they abuse family members off duty... it's really sad.
As someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder, I often struggle with extreme paranoia. Not “manic” but an ever present sense of feeling unsafe. I too often sit facing the door of the restaurant, often watch people who I profile as “suspicious”. The fact that being a cop trained your brain to work this way is so immensely depressing. The fact that it’s not only encouraged but expected to think like this, is disturbing. I wouldn’t trust myself to “protect” my community (there’s so much bullshit in that statement) so the fact anyone would think that conditioning the people meant to “protect” us to think like me, is a good idea is terrifying. It baffles me that people would basically choose to exist in a state that I spend every waking moment of my life trying to avoid.
I am in the process of retiring out from my Corrections job after 19 years. A lot of what you said hits the nail on the head. During orientation they showed us a video compilation of violent prison assaults set to heavy metal music. I was a quiet, scared, naive 24 year old that wanted a good paying job with benefits. I had to change who I was to fit into the culture. Through therapy I learned that I was playing a role, for 18 years. It’s exhausting. And yes, you become afraid to go out in public. Danger could be around any corner. You dread being recognized by former inmates. You feel vulnerable because you can’t call for help from your buddies. You are so immersed in the negative world that you can no longer see good in people. I was chronically sleep deprived because we had untenable overtime requirements. This lowered my tolerance for any irritation or disrespect. I no longer wanted to “waste time” deescalating and just wanted to jump right to force. I had been promoted to sergeant and couldn’t formulate a plan without just planning to use force. I had the constant racing thoughts, fantasizing about “making the world a better place” if some people were no longer in it. The final straw was when I started hallucinating moving shadows in my peripheral. I started the retirement process, started going to therapy, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. Yes, I will permanently be on guard the rest of my life, but I don’t have the dark thoughts or intrusive images anymore.
I’ll never forget a detective coming into work to buy a suit and just casually talking about someone who hung themselves and graphically describing the scene. I had told my manager I wanted to take my lunch break after my next customer, I wound up waiting until they made me take my break (labor laws and such) and just drank a soda instead of eating cause my appetite was completely gone, stomach twisted. I felt so sorry for him- the fact he’s been so traumatized and desensitized that he saw nothing wrong with casually describing how a hanging victim’s decomposition with a 21 year old retail worker.
It's not just cops of course, I lived in a getto from 10 to 20 and came out largely the same. I was unable to relax in any normal social event only when alone or in a 1 on 1 situation. For a long time I too was proud of this as I was the only member of my social circle to only get attacked only by "choice". I only fought when it meant leaving a friend on their own. I became the groups wise man since I could walk through any area and avoid every scrap by reading body language from 50 feet away. Anyways when I left shitsville those same skills hindered my progress in normal society. It took the love of a few good women, drinking, and many years to finally put it behind me. This year was the first time I found myself in a dangerous situation and didn't have the old programs kick in. Maybe that should have worried me but instead I became happy that I was finally something more then a human security system. Anywho my point was it can take years 28 in my case but if you keep pushing away from that training eventually you can put it behind you.
Sargent Dickrifle killed me. I automatically subscribed. Also, the inciting rage part in the final text after the kind calming tone of the video... Couldn't have loved it more. 100% the best video I've watched the whole day.
My dad is an ex-Marine MP. He taught me to always be yellow, and being immunocompromised with COVID rampant has made every activity outside of my house become a risk assessment. So, I sort of understand where you're coming from. To know that those same training tactics are still being used is 1) scary as hell and 2) explains A LOT. You're right, a system that is built on these principles cannot be reformed. And your perspective (plus the Uvalde shooting, where the timeline and “facts” just keep changing) has really solidified my stance as a police abolitionist. I really enjoyed this lower-profile, more open vlog-type video! Obviously, the researched and fleshed-out ones are cool too, but I’d be cool seeing more like this! Have a great night! (psst, you might recognize me from the PFP and name but I'm Derek from Twitter)
Yeah I recognized ya. :) And thanks for sharing! I'm conflicted because I do think good situational awareness is a benefit in a lot of ways. It's good to take your safety seriously. At the same time, I really take it too far sometimes!
could you elaborate more on the system beyond reform point? Do you mean the current policing system in America or any form of policing is inherently immoral?
Spot on. I worked with police for many years; I had detective friends. These people were honorable and ethical for the most part. Then, something changed... the training, the attitude... cops became cowards "contolling the situation immediately," they hid behind serious firepower, and they began killing with impunity because their union would protect them (dead men/women tell no tales). The most significant change I saw was "protect yourself first, protect the citizen second." These pricks are truly out of hand.
The institution convinces cops that they are the only defense of society, and because of that theyre convinced theyre the good guys of society who must always be there to “protect”, so when you choose between this saintly defender of peace and a regular citizen, why wouldnt they choose the defender of peace? It goes all the way down to the root of the American Soldier myth, i believe. The divination of soldiers and patriots.
I'm autistic, and that's how I've always felt when I leave the house since I was old enough to recognize danger like that. It IS exhausting, and I can't leave the house for longer than about an hour without getting burnt out and staring an argument with someone. I'm sorry you had that inflicted upon you for doing what you thought was trying to help. Good for you for talking about it. Thank you.
The way you talk about this sounds like how my PTSD writes my life. Constant state of danger, exhausted, takes enjoyment out of being around people, and way too many made up theories in your head. There's many more than I have the words to describe but wow I really don't think living this way is worth any amount of money.
I'm less than three minutes in and I'm already flabbergasted. I assumed the ridiculous bullet counts were because of anxiety or recklessness. I did not realize dumping a mag was trained into you guys
It almost sounds like they trained anxiety into you. I have anxiety and what my brain does seems to be how they naturally wanted you to think. When you started talking about how you work through those dark thoughts is exactly how I have learned to coup with my anxiety.
As a fellow anxiety sufferer very tiny controlled amounts of weed help me , but I also have ice therapy, deep breathing exercises and sensory techniques that override the thoughts and sensations most of the time. Not all the time. Everyone has to develop unique coping mechanisms when it comes to an anxiety. It is clinically speaking, depression in reverse. It's why there is so much overlap.
@@sagebuttercrunch go for it *as long as you don't have a family history of epilepsy, schizophrenia, or any other condition that could be affected by psychoactive drugs. If you do have a family history that makes you susceptible to side effects from THC id suggest CBD. same benefits minus the psychoactive effects. I am not a doctor though. Most doctors arent as judgemental about weed as you'd think, id highly recommend chatting with a trusted practitioner to double check you're not going to have any adverse reactions to meds you may already be on. Good luck and be safe:) Edit-- also as someone who chose weed before therapy, id also highly recommend trying more holistic solutions first. Visualization exercises, meditation, etc etc. Weed is not necessarily as "dangerous" as harder drugs but there's a lot of missing research into how it affects people longterm. sincerely, a decade long stoner lol
This hits close to home. In the Marines I devoted a ton of time to our martial arts program. One exercise I remember was where one person would have a foam knife coated in lipstick and the other would be unarmed. Not a single unarmed person got through the fight without lipstick streaks all over, even when our lead instructor fought the weakest student. Idk it's rare to find someone learning to have a gentle heart again after becoming a trained killer and I appreciate that you are open about your experiences. Listening to you has helped me move past a big hurdle
oh this was killer, finally advice for dealing with intrusive/ hyper-vigilant thought spirals that seems effective. thank you for speaking so candidly about this
It is entirely possible to feel sympathy for someone in a very, very bad place, while recognizing it can make them very, very dangerous and in need of being treated as such. I don't think we can be serious about restorative justice if we cannot - or refuse to - keep both attitudes at work at once. All cops are broken.
Such a good way to illustrate the issue, that the institution hurts cops as well as civilians. DemonMama sent me here, she and her audience really liked the video!
My father was a cop and always sat facing the door.. his hyper vigilance and paranoia bled onto me. When he passed, I became SUPER PARANOID and hypervigilant! Like you, I would fantasize fighting off attackers.. like a year ago I was so terrified a hedge trimmer was going to attack me with his trimmer! After that, I knew I had to change my thought process. Like you, I would do the thing where I scream out loud to myself absolutely not! Think about something else right now! And doing that over and over and over again, I was able to stop having paranoid, fantasies.. thank you for sharing your story!!
Those of us with diagnosed OCD can empathize with this, too. I don't have bad experiences to pull from, but my brain is more than happy to provide horrible "what ifs" constantly. I can't imagine it with actual nightmare fuel to pull from.
Thank for this video. Years ago my partner went through the academy, and excelled because they essentially weaponized my partner’s childhood CPTSD. We’re both so happy that they decided against finding a job policing (too many red flags from instructors). Years later and after a lot of therapy my partner is doing much better. But if they’d actually become a cop it’s have been so much worse
@@ThatDangDad I’m also happy to hear you are doing better! I first found you in 2020 and one of your videos really helped me understand the sort of mindset the training instills my partner was struggling with I bookmarked this video. I think your exercises would help they too.
Wow. Just a random 26 year old passing by, who's been "unlearning" alot of the toxic habits, trauma, and mindset that were drilled into me by my family and the church as a child. Your line about your partner "excelling" because they weaponized his vulnerabilities makes me shudder because I realize how naïve I used to be because I too was very close to becoming a police officer. It's only now that I'm a bit older that I recognize my talents of "compartmentalizing" and being "hyper vigilant" were actually symptoms of bigger unresolved personal issues; issues that I probably would have never addressed if I ended up taking the job. Dunno know how the algorithm got me here, but as a formerly toxic dude who's working on being healthier, it's really scary (and also inspiring) reading these comments and finding so many parallels to my own life. Thank you both!
I was almost adopted by a police officer family, and I've always been very thankful that I never wound up in police or military because i would have excelled in ways that absolutely terrify me. I had a good childhood in a good home with loving parents, and school bullies almost turned me into a monster...i shudder to think what i would have become had someone who knew exactly how to hone and weaponize my mind for destruction got ahold of me. ETA - even typing this comment has me in a state because it's a constant battle for me against self destructive tendencies and outward aggression and I've been coping with a pretty intense backslide lately after having been doing better than I ever have. Idk how this video even popped up on my feed but I think I really REALLY needed to see this, and the comment i replied to and everyone else here really drove it home that I need to keep fighting these issues and that it is indeed worth the effort.
@@CHPMP5 The academy definitely latched onto my partners highly developed hyper-vigilance and compartmentalization. In the beginning they were so proud because they excelled miles beyond other cadets in how to visualize various outcomes going badly and personal defense. Then the instructors started traumatizing the class with videos of cops dying and weird, culty chants. That started a spiral of increasing flashbacks, depression, and anxiety. While the academy didn't cause my partner additional mental health struggles, it also created a dissonance where they started relying heavily on the consequences of trauma to excel. That can only end badly. I'm so happy to hear that your own journey has been one of healing. Hang in there. Things definitely get better!!
I've never run across a more accurate description of my relationship to the world. I'm not a cop or a veteran but when you mentioned CPTSD, I heaved a sigh. My spouse and I just had a spat that could have been a fight. I'm sending a link to this to her in hopes it clarifies things.
Hyper-vigilance, for me, comes both from my PTSD and its interaction with neurodivergence. I rarely sit with my back to the room, and can't deal with city centres without cutting off audio processing from the area. Too much information all at once, so I wipe out one source to reduce the overactive analysis. I'm not a cop, I've never been one. I'm merely reacting to my brain dealing with too much information. In terms of calming myself, listening to something - audio books, podcasts, video essays - can make life more manageable. Counting and mental arithmetic helps occupy the problem areas of my brain. Breathing exercises can be subtly integrated into everyday life.
Thanks for this take, this helps me understand the way I've felt around cops that I've hung out with in their off duty time. A part of me always felt like they were on edge and that feeling wouldn't let me relax around them either and they naturally became the person I wouldn't hang out with much. Your description really helped me see that we need to save cops from their own 'training' just as much as everyone else.
This was fascinating but your description of hyper vigilance and awareness is exactly what women have been taught for decades on how to keep ourselves safe in public. I found myself envious that you became so good at this because I have aspired to be constantly on alert like that, noticing everything and everyone, imagining and preparing for the worse, my whole life. The difference, of course, regarding the point you are making, is that I don’t carry a gun, so my attitude is 100% defensive. I’m no danger to anyone.
Thank you for this... so few well spoken ex police discuss this. We average joes can't fully understand what it's like to be a cop ... because we haven't been.
Hey I think we have the same pc monitor haha I think it's more than law enforcement protects abusers...I mean they do but. They also actively seek out that type of recruit. They attract, abusive people on purpose all the time. Because that's what a culture does... it breeds more of the same... they don't want to have to put up with some softie lib cop and show them how it's done .... so they actively give out all the signals that this isn't the profession for you. They put tactical teams and weapons on their recruiting posters instead of a cop writing a ticket or helping at a crash.
I feel so called out by the very specific anxiety that going to a movie theater creates. Never been a cop but I’ve had some traumatic experiences, a few even including cops, and one with a really fucking malicious firefighter lol, regardless it is wild to me that it sounds like they are trying to train cops by doing ‘CBT _but make it hyper vigilance and intrusive thoughts.’_
Hyper vigilance was in my brain before I even became an adult! I was born in a rough area near Toronto and I trained myself to be in "red light mode". I never left the house without a weapon and I constantly ran scenarios. I know every exit, fire extinguisher, and diffibrilator location in every store. I scan for possible threats and allies. And, of course, never have my back to the door. I'm 57 now, had my share of fights but never needed to be so prepared. It fried my brain! I was surprised how you mentioned prison reform. It seems that the public would rather punish someone than to help someone. Revenge rather than reform. It's gotta change.
I want to echo what I'm seeing in a lot of comments about how the mindset you describe sounds like something I experience. I spent 4 years in foster care after my parents died, and the home was abusive and extremely critical of everything I did. Anything at all, even one less-than-spotless dish would spiral into an interrogation that would last for hours. I was too afraid to get help because they had convinced me that I'd wind up in a state-run home if they reported me (report me for what, is unclear). It hasn't been until after years of therapy that I'm starting to grasp how this affects me today...I find myself constantly arguing with imagined antagonists questioning my motives, and going out in a big group is exhausting...my head is constantly on a swivel evaluating everyone around me. I really appreciate you telling your story, it adds a layer to my understanding of my own situation that I didn't have before.
@@ThatDangDad when I was pretty young, maybe 5 or 6, my parents were both working full time a lot and resorted to making me stay with a random acquaintance they somehow vaguely knew, and they had a child a little older than i, who abused me, and of course the mother took their side. This went on for about a week or so until I complained to my parents enough and they never took me back. I say all this because I can't imagine what your situation in foster care must have been like. I'm sorry you had to face that alone, but i'm proud of your progress all the same. Keep it up!
@@jaredponder4149 Hey, thanks for the kind words (to both of you). It's strange how talking about this in a comments section is easier than confiding in friends (I do, just...gradually). I'm in a much better place these days, but it's crazy how often I have these slow-motion-drop-the-coffee-cup realizations about how something in my mind that I take for granted can be clearly traced back to the coping mechanisms I developed growing up. Lately I find myself wanting to share more in the hopes it will help others. As for the foster home, I think I wound up in a bad place in the rural midwest at a time when the system didn't have the resources to vet the few available homes they could find. It doesn't change the past, but recontextualizing it has helped me move on.
My uncle was a cop and a detective back in the 70s and 80s. He was really successful and quit, kind of out of the blue. He told me years later that being a cop had "warped" his mind and that he hated the person he became. He said that (and I remember this like it was yesterday) "when you deal with the worst person in society every day, you start to think everyone is the worst person in society, and it changes you". I was in high school and he told me to never consider law enforcement as a career and he warned his boys against it as well. He really changed as he got older, and thought that the police were becoming a bunch of G.I. Joe's. Over 30 years later, and I think about this often.
Sound like his assessment was spot on... by the early 2000s the militarization was in full swing.
I'd buy your uncle a beer
I was also raised by cops, Mom, Dad, Step Dad( love that man RIP.) My Aunt, Grandfather was CIA so same wheel house ish. God father too and still is, a Sheriff, the Sheriff of my home county. They never warned me off their career path, but I went into the Army in 1999. Even today, with evidence that keeps building on the deficiencies of law enforcement, they will defend their past own actions but throw all the shade on others. The training, the leadership, bad laws, black market creation through narcotics laws, cash from prison schemes that exist from juvenile all the way to adult. They said they did they did the best they can with the institutions they had to work with. Here my rub. In 2002 my first deployment to Afghanistan there was a legitimate chance that I wouldn't survive, so I did interviews, audio and video with everybody I grew up with, all the adults in my life as I was becoming an adult and going to war. The conversations that I have with them now to include hindsight of just last 5 years in their remarks. Either they know the truth now that law enforcement too often acts as collection agencies at the same time taking huge percentages of the budget for whatever municipality they serve, that narcotics laws are reinforcing black markets while profiting low level arrests you know forever probation forever fees forever finds forever felons. They will tell me this now. And when I show them their own audio their own video of us having discussions of these very same issues about how my concern was that I might not have a chance to come back and contribute. I've lost a lot of friends lifelong friends cuz they don't want to acknowledge their own words of hypocrisy or actions ,no responsibility no leadership no accountability and these are cops their the cops that trained their replacements while I was off fighting wars for 15 years and I come home and we all just sad legacy now. Some of this was dictated on my phone, sorry for the Grammer
“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” - Nietzsche
lol guess it wasnt kind of out of the blue it was totally out of the blue 😂
This opens my eyes to a situation I experienced. a cop pulled a gun and yelled “don’t block me in” because me and my finace tried to stop and ask him where we were supposed to park while trying to attend a court hearing. It scared the shit out of us and made us not feel safe asking for help from an officer anymore.
Same, I tried to talk to a cop pulled over so he could get a cute dog out of the street, or call the right people, and flipped out because I was walking towards him on the public street. Complete tyrant d-bags. We are the enemy they are the good guys in their war on humanity.
Just because this explains it doesn’t mean it excuses it.
Scary
@@karenkalweit6018Yeah, of course you're named Karen
@@karenkalweit6018Yeah obviously?
When I hear "Never call the cops." I remember a video of a veteran talking calmly to an officer after calling dispatch. He had left his front door open and his emotional support dog came up to them tail wagging and tongue out. Cop un-holstered and shot three times, killing the dog. 10 years of trying to recover from that life-or-death mentality war engrains. Only to see it in the eyes of a "public defender". All he could muster is "Why did you shoot my dog?" he understood what was happening. Not a single human has control over violence and to give people a badge that says they can is a curse upon us all.
Coward pigs
I may have had to die in that situation, as much as I love dogs.
@@jaredponder4149 I'd definitely have died in that situation, but not before the cop.
That's very eloquently put, very good. It is a curse.
"a curse upon us all"
Amen.
I was sexually assaulted by a police officer over a decade ago and his department destroyed the evidence to protect him. I rarely meet people who will admit the reality of how many police conduct themselves. Thank you for being honest.
not even remotely similar or close, but about half the times i’ve been catcalled (most before i turned 18) have been by police in uniform STANDING WITH ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER
@@marsvp_ my now ex significant other, retired from the State Police here . Things I heard during our 13 year Relationship (lived together for 11) blew my mind.
It's a tie between LE and Medical fields for the most sexually degenerate and again tied for first for the least loyal to their significant others.
@@dtcdtc8328I’ve heard that about LE but could you elaborate on the medical side? Is it because they’re more likely to be narcissists/psychopaths?
Didn't ask. Don't care.
@@redtarget5275 Cared enough to comment.
The only good cop I've ever met was also an ex-cop; he was a former homicide detective in Philly and when he tried to expose a series of corruption-related assaults, murders and at least one rape (that being the last straw) he was told in no uncertain terms that if he made any more noise about it, he and his family would, and he quoted, "become the tragic result of a murder-suicide".
He was forced to quit, move to the Chicago area, and become a professor. Thankfully, his wife and two daughters were still alive and well, last I heard.
But that rape victim and those murdered folks... no justice.
Which has to mean: No peace.
And you don't become detective over night, so that means that the "good-cop" had years of living in the cesspool that is Philly policing and I assume since he made detective, he wasn't doing a lot of reporting bad cops up until then. So the question is, can you really be a "good cop" with so many years under your belt? My assumption is no.
@@sevilnatas This is true of any job though. Can a truck driver really be good even though they directly contribute 100 times more pollution than a normal car?
@@bacicinvatteneaca if you'd elaborate I'd agree with you but you can't bother lol
@@Taykorjg Are you comparing truck driver farts to pollution generated by cars? I think, not only is that an unfair comparison, but I also contest the idea that truck driver are generating 10 magnitude more farts than cars produce pollution. That is an in human amount of flatulence, much like your comment.
@@sevilnatas This is a real non sequitur as the point was everyone is responsible for terrible things, to which truck drivers pollute vastly more than car drivers.
Thank you so much for making this video. I was raised by a father who grew up in Nigeria during their civil war. He would constantly talk about how horrible things WILL happen. Just as you describe he would use the color system, and tell me that I should never be any lower than yellow or Orange. He trained me in mma, krav maga, blades, marksmanship, hostage scenarios. His brain was broken. He was certain that “the men with guns” would storm into any place we happened to be and he instilled that in me since I was a child. I now can’t walk around without, exactly as you describe, visualizing everything that could go wrong. Whenever I’m in a space I have to make a ‘threat map’ and list all of the people in the room by level of threat they pose, and how I would take them out if I have to. I feel on edge, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed at all times. My mind can never rest and I hate it. Thank you so much for giving those self calming exercises. You are a great help. It is wonderful to know I’m not alone.
Hugs to you if you want them. It's sad the state of affairs. Distrust breeds distrust. On a philosophical level, everyone needs to take a leap of faith sometimes. It's good for the individual as well as mankind. Of course it's not without risk, but these things are like rings on water. A good deed will spread trust just as much as a bad deed will spread distrust. We can all help create tomorrow in this very tangible way. And by being conscious of the way empire spreads it's distrust and control. The hard part is balancing without getting consumed by distrust ourselves. I guess that's just life. That constant balance. Hopefully we can help veer things into the positive rather than the negative. I know your comment and this video did the former. Thank you to both of you from Finland/Sweden, Europe!
Our situations are completely different but I feel my advice might help you anyways; you gotta put some skin in the game to unlearn that behaviour. It frustrated me so badly when I realized that my relationship with my friends was at a plateau. It felt like any and all attempts I made to have them trust me fell flat. But I realised, they have no incentive to deepen our relationship when I never trust them with myself. I want them to share their deepest secrets with me, but I can’t share mine with them. A little vulnerability goes a long way ❤ sorry if this is a jumbled mess of words it’s like 3 am here lol
If it's of any comfort you can pretend that you're some super secret agent à la Jason Bourne.
Both my parents were cops, and my step father. My sister became one too.
I was never a cop, but that hypervigilance is always there all the same. They took it home with them & taught it to us.
But for about a year or so I had relief because I started putting myself in fairly extreme risky situations (like taking unmarked cabs in Medellin alone at 3am because I'd gotten lost trying to find my hostel after drinking all night). I went in largely unprepared, winged every move. I forced myself to trust strangers in ways I never had, and the gamble worked.
No one harmed me with anything but words, and those moments were quite rare. After 5 months of doing this kind of risky behavior, I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of good people who outweighed the bad & dangerous.
The unmarked cabbie, he sought me out. I didn't flag him down. He was genuinely worried for me. And there were dozens of others like him. I hadn't done these things to try & find these people. I was just in a dark place, and angry at the way I looked at the world. I was so sick of being afraid, I think I just snapped a little.
To be clear, I don't recommend anyone replicate this method. But I think there's a core lesson here: something about vulnerability heals.
This has very much been my experience with strangers too! And the people I was always told I should be able to trust the most always ended up being the ones who hurt me the most in real life, but even among them there were still people I could trust over time.
This is why caring about people with ptsd is the best treatment
I had the same experiences in my late teens and early twenties. I hitchhiked a lot, and one time I was picked up by two Europeans in a tiny roadster and when I got out of the car the driver said "Have a nice life." And so I have.
Damn I can't imagine an Ashley doing that in Medellin! Im from south America and I would be absolutely shit scared in that situation hahahah
Having travelled extensively, you realize that most folk are … just folk … trying to get from one day to the next with some smiles in between.
I made sure to always carry a loaf of bread and some olive oil while backpacking. Amazing what splitting a small meal with someone will do to build some friendship.
It's borderline cultish. They're taught to fear and mistrust anything outside The Brotherhood, and treat any criticism of the organization or its running as a deeply personal attack
Gang. It's just a gang.
There's nothing borderline about that, that's just straight up cult mentality
Borderline? sounds just like a very culty gang
@@lotekchapraStraight up mafia, you're absolutley correct.
Covid was prior to Uvalde
Odd timeline reference
This really helped me to understand my own PTSD and hyper vigilance. The advice you gave to say "You don't need to rehearse right now. If this ever happens to you, you'll know what to do," out loud was so helpful. Even if you didn't mean it as advice, that's the most helpful tool I've heard so far, and I really appreciate it.
Obsessing over how everyone might be a threat does the opposite of keeping you safe. It puts you in more danger by making you an iminent threat to everyone around you.
Good point. Its hard not to do
If they don’t treat everyone as a possible threat, then the actual threats will be worse than they are now. If you’re not constantly aware of what’s happening in a situation, someone can catch an officer off guard. That already happens enough as is. When an actual threat comes along, quick response is almost not possible if you don’t look at everyone as a possible threat. All it take is a guy with a pocket knife to have a bad day and charge an officer at a random time during a stop. And note the word “possible” you’re not a threat till you do something threatening. You’ll be viewed as another civilian by cops unless you give them a reason not to. People are so scared if the police now, people don’t even have a respectable conversation with them.
@sparky6218 is that why there are countless instances of police killing innocent people in their own homes? And why there's an infamous video of an officer trying to start a gun fight with an acorn? And why completely unnecessary high-speed chases with suspects who can be safely contacted at their own homes at any time have the highest body count of any aspect of police work? And why the military aren't trained to assume that every civilian they're supposed to protect wants to murder them?
@@sparky6218 it's actually easier to recognize serious threats when they happen if you're aware that they're out of the ordinary than if you assume they're a foregone conclusion. Biochemistry is pretty good at reacting immediately to danger without being primed to perceive literally everything as dangerous.
@@sparky6218 Most other countries don't train police like this.
It’s interesting that as a woman, I was also (mostly implicitly but sometimes explicitly) taught never to be in public at anything less than a yellow.
what's that book that gets recommended a lot, The Gift of Fear I think?
@@ThatDangDad yep Gavin Debecker, I think
@@ThatDangDad Basically humans are incapable of solving these problems. We need a robot revolution in the West.
There's no good answer for what you should and should not do and how you should or should not prepare. Rape, murder and robbery are very real things that happen everyday. A friend of mine is in Ukraine under the constant threat of multiple armies, reckless militias and looters. But paranoia can scar you for life.
Rebecca Solnit talks about this is her biography
My fiancé & I were having a loud vocal fight two years ago in our apartment. Someone had called the police & told them we had a gun (we did not, never owned a gun & never will) because I had said to my fiancé “put it down” referring to our iPad. Next thing we know they crashed our door down with guns pulled telling us to get on the ground. I was pregnant.
And I bet y'all had to pay for the busted door, too. Totally awful.
@agluebottle no, the police does.
And imagine if you were actually a victim of DV and your partner had a gun pointed at you; kicking your door down and telling you both to get on the ground would have absolutely not helped the situation.
@@miyounova you are a child, you have no idea what you are talking about.
@@drydenhillvibes2263 😆😆😆 sure Jan
How being a cop affected your mind sounds a lot like how having been homeless affected my mind.
I had the same thought. I went from being a really heavy sleeper to waking up at the slightest noise or light, always hyperaware. Spent years sleeping in a car and was always on edge of the worst happening in such a vulnerable position and those thoughts and reflexes are ingrained deep into me still to this day.
Same. Similar at least. I'm trans and there were times my life was threatened. My family has noted I've been a savage since. I really did go into survivor mode. Now I'm a reactive and aggressive person and it's hard to change
I get annoyed when Americans think Soldiers are the only ones who experience this kind of trauma. Clearly we weren't meant to be violent like this
@@adafrost6276 Oh shit man. You've just made me connect the dots and realise why I now wake up several times a night too. Often it's not a specific traumatic incident that breaks your brain so much as just the constant bubbling under the surface that comes standard with an inability to ever fully relax or trust anyone.
Oh yeah. Add in meth paranoia and you got me, roughly 35 years ago.
It's been a long road away from hypervigilance and I STILL prefer the chair with my back against the wall.
@@TheOneTruePatriot this is how animals in the wild live. We see how much more fun and interesting they are when they are given a peaceful home and food. This is also how it is for people growing up in bad neighborhoods, always aware that a parent or someone else will go off.
I'm a Black man, an anti-militarist and an abolitionist. I've said for many years that my stance on police abolition is not based on my animosity for individual cops. It's about the training and the mindset. Thanks for being willing to speak out on this. I wish there were a lot more people like you. We'd get closer to peace.
For real. When I first stumbled across the video, I was worried it was going to be some kind of attempt to make people sympathize with police officers as a whole because they've "seen things". I'm glad the video didn't really go down that route.
❤
❤
So basically they fear monger cops into paranoia which interms make the public fearful thank you america
❤ agree with you. I have a few folks in my life who do law enforcement things or used to. It's the training and instilling constant war zone mentality that I'm against.
Being a cop sounds like being in a cult, but with added combat PTSD
it is
I feel like some cults probably would also cause PTSD
Love how PTSD is used to insult rather than empathize in this way.
@@StankyTheKlownany weakness will be judged harshly by those who will never have to deal with the problem. Normal shit.
Added ptsd combat w/o ever experiencing combat, periodt...🤦♂️🤨🙄🤦♀️
I was an MP in the army. One thing I realized later on is how much it's fucked up how I look at other people. I was taught that absolutely everyone is dangerous and just waiting to cause me harm. The people I was supposed to be protecting I was also expecting to cause me harm.
Omg. I just stumbled onto this. I just resigned after 17 years. I’m only 43 and well short of a pension, I mention this only because you understand how serious that is.
So much I want to say in response to your video. You absolutely get it and I relate to this so hard.
I don’t even know what to say or how to respond to this video, I feel like…. Man I don’t even know what to say. It’s like validation that I’m not crazy.
You ain't crazy and you ain't alone.
I don’t think it’s done intentionally or maliciously, it’s merely the behavior they’re comfortable with.
my therapist usually works with kids and when the kid starts changing their behavior the rest of the family always tries to rope them back into the patterns they’re used to.
@@oscaranderson5719 make no mistake. Their training comes from some pretty diabolical belief systems (today). Remember the 2nd amendment, sheriffs, and police were created in large part, to put down slave rebellions, and return property to the owners, in most cases, that meant human beings. I'm for justice across the board. You can't get justice when the good cops have to resign or are forced out because they "don't fit in" to the corruption and destructive mindset training cops go through.
@@shawna1278 oh no it’s absolutely abusive and I detest it but what I mean is that there’s no secret cabal of corrupt police profiting off this (er, at least not necessarily,) it is done even on a smaller scale by people who don’t necessarily serve to gain from this behavior.
it is merely the result of abusive behavior reinforcing itself.
Maybe it's just me but this reads as the most sincere youtube comment ever. ❤️
I have ptsd from being profiled and arrested. Every time I see a ford behind me @ night I get anxiety.
that breaks my heart to read, im sorry :(
@@DR-602?????? this happens to many others as well. Whyre you doubting when we know cops fuck up a lot?
@@DR-602no it's fucking not
@@boreal3255 it's ok just gotta ignore the trolls but I have the footage on my page
@@shakespearishot71 thanks for your comment it's ok it's gotten better over time
Not a cop I’m only 15 but I’m realizing that I’m doing this to myself because of anxiety. Thank you so much for this video, I am going to try to think differently from now on to avoid this
when you make a mistake at this age, people forget about the mistake less than two weeks later, unless you do something nuts. remember that. they forgot already the awkwardness. just know your brain is in flux with change so it’s not always fun rn
@@Max-zv8hm :3 thank you!! I'm 17 now and I'm doing lots better with anxiety. Your advice is super true!
@@Bailderdash ok now is crunch time. if you are able, live with your parents as long as you can. unless they’re paying for your college and dorm, in which case, TAKE IT. This economy… is a nightmare! if your plan doesn’t include college but you still want to go, consider the air force reserves. they pay for school with minimal time being taken from you. don’t be fooled. I was an Army infantryman (28 currently), so trust me when i say air force. Choose no other branch unless we’re talking Space Force. the reason being is the food is better and they treat you like a man, not a robot killing machine (there are even benefits to being this although i dont reccommend it). anyway. there’s a heads up. do college if you’re parents are paying. live at home for as long as you can. people 18-22 have no clue yet what their lives will be, so dont feel bad if you live at home past 18
@@Max-zv8hm :D okay thank you!! I plan to live with them for a while, as they don't mind if I stay. I am not sure if they're paying for college or not we have discussed it a bit but haven't landed on an answer. But once I'm ready, me and my friends are planning on living together to ease financial struggles and take care of each other. Luckily I don't think I'm in a position where I'll have to go into any sort of military work.
@@BailderdashHey I’m almost 20 and still with my parents, shits tough to afford at all. Make a savings account now if you don’t already have one and save as much as you can while you’re still with your parents. Start building credit score as soon as you’re 18 (my method is just buying most my stuff on credit and immediately paying it off). Scholarships are great for college if you can get them (I sure as shit can’t lmao), but trade school is also an option if you don’t mind manual labor and need a cheaper alternative to a higher education.
Also if you plan on living with friends, PLEASE have some form of formal legal written document going over things like rent payment, what happens if someone wants to move out, utility coverage, etc. that is signed by everyone (you can find these types of things online, or at least a guide for them). No matter how good of friends you are, make everyone sign a legally binding agreement. Too many friend groups have messy endings because there was no legal contracts (? can’t think of the right word) around housing situations.
Wishing you luck with everything.
I know you said that this video wasn't meant to inspire sympathy for cops but for me it did and that's exactly why I'm a police abolitionist. What you're describing sounds like a form of trauma, and any institution that traumatizes the people who work for it does not deserve to exist, especially when the primary function of the people who serve that institution is allegedly to protect and serve the rest of the public
I totally get that and I feel the same way. I actually specifically said I wasn't trying to make people sympathize/empathize because I know a lot of people are really sensitive to how a lot of times, for example, white shooters get these deep media profiles and this humanizing coverage and sometimes it can feel like explaining someone's behavior is excusing it. So I was trying to be careful about that.
Beaten into submission so he would beat others into submission.
I can see it.
It can be hard to get out from it
I think it’s totally fair to be sensitive about that! I think that’s part of why I love your perspective so much because you care so much about not hurting your audience but also aren’t afraid to go into a subject with full force with a good content warning. I think the important thing to know is that all of these media profiles are not real empathy. Empathy does not just mean telling a sensationalized sad backstory, empathy means doing our best to enter the mindset of someone doing something wrong to examine why they may have done it and what we can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
This is why it's been my observation for years that there are so few "good cops" because good _people_ either don't stay cops, don't stay _good,_ commit suicide or are murdered. Those are the most common predictable outcomes of the kind of pressure, the training and culture that our police as an institution subject human beings to. Even if they never see how the system as a whole is broken, white supremacist, classist and utterly dehumanizing, they're still people; they're still affected by the anxiety and hatred that's drilled into them all in the name of "law enforcement." Abolition, for everyone's sake.
Great work, Phil.
A disproportional amount of cops are suffering from mental illness. The worst part is alot of them don’t realize it bc of the lack of emotional intelligence/ignorance and conditioning. This usually manifests as displaced outbursts of anger and dangerous narcissism/entitlement. Add racism to this mix and disaster. Any normal unhinged thinking human being can logically arrive at this same conclusion. But American society has so many ills and assbackwards logic for the purpose of…..you guessed it Capitalism. America is a social experiment.
As a black woman, I relate to the hyper vigilance and dissociation just to find a break. I feel that's how I live every day since I was a little girl. This was an interesting video, thank you for sharing your experiences. My take away is that for most cops, the "protect" in "protect and serve" means protect YOURSELF and service is an afterthought
you worded this so perfectly
You’re right, it’s to protect themselves and legally they have no duty to serve the people we know that from the courts
The supreme court riled long ago that police have nothing obligation to protect or help citizens, so you're correct.
Yeah that section was like… damn, that’s been my WHOLE life since puberty. Hypervigilant, having to look scary/crazy to avoid unwanted attention, getting safety advice that feels like it’s just a primer for more judgement (“You didn’t lock your car doors right after you got in?! Well, no wonder someone assaulted you.”) It fucking sucks and does truly make everyone look like a threat. You only have to be wrong once to get hurt badly, so it’s hard to say that’s an irrational take, especially when you hear from EVERY woman you know about their own assaults. I don’t know what the right answer is.
"the american officer safety mindset is a clear and present threat to everyone in the country"
i don't think i could have understood this without this video.
scary stuff.
Yeah they train to see insubordination as a deadly threat to them and the public. Their main mission is to not die. You combine that with them dealing with a lot of lying terrible people- it’s turns them into monsters sometimes.
Like cops should primary deescalate,that first, even and especially in sreassful situations. Like the seeing thwe worst is one thing, but the killology and deal wwith hoot first, is the most dangerous.Also force cops into therapy ok. And evaluations.
This is the first video I've seen of yours. And it's so unreasonably relatable. My father put me through this as a small child, "be ready to go further than the other guy", teaching us dangerous and painful moves "as a deterrent", telling us horror stories of kidnappers and shit, "there's always someone out to hurt you". He was also horribly abusive, and the worst thing I've ever dealt with. I have cPTSD and anxiety now, among other things. I still deal with the mental toll every day. As strange as it is, I'm glad to not be alone
The things that make you feel the most alone have the biggest potential to connect you
I can only have anything but absolute respect for someone who has lived this job first hand and decided to do the right thing and say the quiet parts out loud.
I was a soldier for 8 years, you don't need a traumatic event to have PSTD, the long term hyper vigilance will cause you mind to sorta act like a broken record. I joined the Army to help pay off my student loans. I never had the desire to kill anyone, and I am happy that I never did. What you said on your experience is exactly like what I did, just prepared my mind for just that contingency, to keep visualizing scenarios on how to react on my training to eliminate someone who wants to kill me and fellow soldiers. Years of therapy, medication, and meditation to just stop my mind still playing that broken record.
Idk u but u sound like a good man whose had a tough life
I hope u lead a peaceful life
I feel you, brother. One day at a time, we can be alive and live pass our call to service.
I wish you the best life you can live.
Just boot camp there are studies on that give you PTSD but that not a smart reason to join the military glad you made it out.
My kid's ex came back from basic almost a completely different guy. His vibe even changed and he became an abusive ahole and cheated. I just think he got triggered and can't cope.
But I've always wondered what happens to the psychy of those who don't make it to the "rebuild confidence" chapter...and wash out early. Do they stay sad?
Same thing with homelessness and jail.
When I was about 8 years old, my sibling and I got into a fight at home, my mom didn't know what to do so she called the police. By the time they arrived, everything was fine. I, however, was scared of the police and hid in my room. The officer told me to come down, and I refused at first and then came down the second time.
For not following a command, I was put in handcuffs. They were heavy and dug into my skin, and I was forced to sit in my kitchen and talk to this guy. He had well over 100 pounds on me, I wasn't a threat, and he wouldn't take them off. I felt so scared and humiliated.
2 years later, I found a large spider on my porch, so I went to my friends house 2 doors down and got him to help deal with it. Being young boys we thought it'd be fun to shoot it with his airsoft M16, we walk over to my house, shot the spider, turn around and see a cop kneeling behind the open door of his car, gun drawn and aimed at us. Again I'm just 10 years old and fucking scared. What happened next was a blur but basically we told him it wasn't a real gun, he threatened to arrest us but ended up confiscating the airsoft rifle.
Those were two of several incidents involving the police in my childhood, and in all of them the police I encountered were ineffective and overzealous. This made me decide at a young age thay I would never call the police, if there was danger I was on my own. Ironically this resulted the the same mentality that you describe in your video forming and staying for the rest of my life. I nearly didn't finish school because of my hypervigilence, always waiting for a shooter or fight. It caused me to handle situations where I was in immediate danger of bodily harm or even death in an aggressive, head on manner. It meant this I got into fights, and i had to fight like i didnt have any backup, which i often didnt. it meant that people got hurt because of me and my fear and my hypervigilance. Even though I never threw the first punch, and all my fights were considered justified, I felt bad about it. I had pictured these scenarios so often and it so many variations that by the time something did happen and someone was trying to hurt me, they never had a chance. To deal with the stress of that hypervigilence, I turned to drugs to calm my mind. That mentality broke my brain and I still can't completely let it go.
I'm 25 now and I'm sober, working a job I like, and life is going okay. I'm content. I'm just now coming to terms with what my mind has been doing for nearly 20 years, I'm beginning to heal. Something needs to change with how policing operates in this country, but it's so fundamental that I'm not sure if it can happen.
One thing I'll say to close, if you've been dealing with hypervigilence for a while, it can get better. And if you've made it this far, thank you for reading.
It’s honestly so disappointing to read your experience coming from the other end of the stick, when we would have cops show up to our house on call for domestic abuse and they would see us scared and crying and walk away, over and over. Oh you ran away covered in bruises with a broken ankle? Your mum called us worried, let’s go back to her in the car, never wanting to hear why you were out walking in the bush for hours alone and scared and beaten. They fail everyone every step of the way, every experience I’ve ever heard or ever had has instilled one thing into me. Never ever call the cops, never ever think the police will help you. That should be telling enough, im sorry you’re still dealing with the effects of that. It’s hard after years of living a certain way, viewing the world through a constant lens of anxiety and hypervigilance, assessing everything around you and planning for what could go wrong, preparing yourself. Healing is hard and it takes a long f ing time but we will get there, from one stranger to another, you can do this ❤️
For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry you've dealt with all of that. My friend and I, ages 7 and 6 at the time, were drawn upon by three officers: our crime, playing with green and yellow, foam nun-chucks in a park. Those are some dangerous humans, for certain.
Glad you are finding a better life these days. Watch as many comedians as you can, it will change your brain chemistry and offset our crowded noisy world. ✌️🙂
This is not a defense of police but the cops reaction to your friends Airsoft gun looking like an M16 regardless of your age is understandable. No matter the age id feel unsafe seeing what looks to be a real gun for all I know in the few seconds of driving by and seeing kids holding it
That second story made me feel scared for you, and I don't even know you. That's how scary that situation is, imagine you're just a 10 year old boy playing around with a friend and with toy guns, only to turn and see a Cop with his gun drawn and aimed directly at you ready to fire
😢
As black woman living in a conservative, white area, it’s refreshing to see content creators like you. This video was so well done, and eye opening. Glad you touched on such a necessary topic especially with your background. Couldn’t help but to immediately subscribe.
This is why it doesn't make me feel safe when cops randomly drive through my neighborhood. It's a show of force and an introduction of a violent and unstable element into my home life.
Same. I'm always uneasy with cops around.
Do you feeel safe knowing theirs a loose and armed murderer in your neighborhood?
@@TheSunshineGroup yes. I'm allowed to defend myself against a lonewolf murderer.
yep, cops rarely come down my little side street but when they do its always an uneasy feeling.
@@TheSunshineGroup not if they are a cop
They trained you into having generalised anxiety disorder, for fuck's sake, I have that due to years of bullying and threats, unstable guardians... I bet they also made therapy look like a bad idea, like my school and family did, they probably used therapy as a PUNISHMENT, like my school did, if you misbehave too much you got sent to the educational psychologist, making it into a bad thing by association, too many infractions you get sent to the occupational psychologist...
That's systematic, that's on purpose, by design, someone, somewhere wanted that system in place, to keep you in an emotional and psychological stress position.
Yeah it sure seems like an intentional choice, doesn't it
As I was listening to him talk it... was weird to relate to so much of it. It absolutely sounds like they train a specific sort of social anxiety into you. I can't sit with my back to the door/too many people, either, and honestly until now I thought that was normal. If I don't dissociate in public spaces I get itchy and hot and overthink EVERYTHING and... While not exactly the same it definitely sounds similar to how he was talking about it.
A lot of people including myself developed crippling hyper vigilance living in "the hood" I saw unbelievable urban atrocities growing up in Southside Chicago and still have cousins who gangbang because not picking a side means getting harmed or worse by both sides, I never realized how bad it was until my white homeboys pointed out how paranoid I constantly am. it's genuinely akin to living in an urban war zone, I'm 19 and I've never been in the military but I'm all to familiar with the sound of bullets cracking against brick and concrete...
@@SanguinaryBlade I grew up with parents who kept trying to insist I should be anxious and fearful of everyone and everything, and they would get so mad when I would insist I would be fine. When I became a young adult I was so tired of being afraid I started trusting people and situations and I haven't had anything horrible happen to me. It's nice living in peace now, but they would still get upset with me whenever I didn't demonstrate fear in most situations. I still go out much less than most of my friends, but I can at least enjoy my life more than my family members
Yess!!! Triangulation Through Weaponized Therapy!!! & Then Upon You Getting Reasonably Upset For A Completely Valid Reason, You Get Hit With; "Did You Take Your Medicine Today?" Psychologically & Emotionally Abvsive As Fvck!!!
"Sometimes I dissociate a little bit just as a treat" 😂
I was a paramedic for 8 years. I can't tell you how much your video resonated with me. These feelings aren't talked about much and I appreciate you being open about your experience. I will be sending this to some EMS friends of mine. Thank you.
Heck yeah!
I spent 4 years as an EMT and 11 years as a Correctional Officer at a maximum security penitentiary. I understand exactly what you're talking about and it's still something that I struggle with. This is something that I've tried to explain to people and never can seem to find the words. Thank you. I'll start sharing this with them. I'm going to try and use some of these exercises that you've discussed. For the record, I got out of corrections to save what was left of my own mental health; most of the issues I had on the job was with other staff. Vast majority of the inmates just wanted to be talked to with some dignity and I did my best to create a chill, relaxed atmosphere in the units I worked and a lot of my "brothers" and "sisters" didn't like that.
I get it. I had problems with staff and the offenders only saw me as a talking sex object. I had one particular offender that was obsessed with me. I reported him and they got me fired for talking to him, making up a narrative that I led him on despite me telling him to stop multiple times. I tried to commit suicide and I had to be admitted. They are still doing this.
@@nadiastar6264Wtf
This video is two years old, and exactly what I needed to find. Thank you for doing this!
Holy hell. I have C-PTSD and what you described is exactly how my brain functions. I'm so sorry you had to live like that. And I'm floored that this is representative of how cops in the country think. I can barely function when I'm having intrusive thoughts, and these cops...
You really opened my eyes to a lot of things tonight. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experiences.
I appreciate you sharing too!
Was gonna say the same thing, I also have C-PTSD and struggle with intrusive paranoid thoughts. It's nuts that we allow the people who are supposed to protect us to become so violently, pathologically fearful of their own communities.
I have C-PTSD too due to severe emotional abuse growing up. I was recently able to get a surprising amount of relief from THC and CBD, so maybe that could help you guys too.
I also have CPTSD, and after taking a women’s self defense class, I lived in that keyed up, hyper vigilant state for months. I had personally experienced how much stronger men are than women, and I knew that if I was caught unprepared that I had no chance at winning a conflict. So I was prepared to fight any time I was in public.
Therapy and SSRIs helped after about 10 months. Also, getting a barky dog helped, because if I felt uncertain in a situation, my dog would start barking and I’d have an excuse to remove myself, but if there really was no danger, then I’d focus on calming my own emotions so I wouldn’t worry my dog.
Same boat. Even do CBT exercises. I'm floored that cops do that at work. I can't function with those thoughts at the forefront.
The hyper-vigilance feels exactly like what I had to teach myself to get by as a low income Black person who lived on their own since very young. I'm glad for this perspective of yours.
Amen ditto bro
dude everyday forever
Same. If your head is not on a swivel you’re not doing it right
He isn't describing hyper vigilance. He is describing hyper violent fantasies with hero syndrome.
@@mikhaelis Do you think that the human brain differentiates between the two during high stress periods in any significant manner, or is that just a vernacular preference?
French cop here. I find this perspective quite fascinating. If there is one police in Europe that is very close to the American one, it's the French. We have a rather similar history of ghettoisation of racial minorities alongside police racism, violence and abuse.
Everyday, I see Union rep calling for less accountability for French law enforcement. I see the same argument being brought forward when it come to the use of force: "cops are always considered guilty", "it will make cops hesitate", etc... We are constantly bombarded by our hierarchy and the media about how our "opponent" are violent and want to fight with us. Yet, we do not have this mentality of being 24/7 paranoïd. It actually quite the opposite. It's not "what if some bastard want to kill me", it's more "nothing ever happens".
The main difference is that we do not have a shred of the tactical training US cops have. Most of us are desk jockey and glorified drone for the prosecution service. We are evaluated physically once every two year, we shoot 50 round per years to train and that's pretty much it. We basically never train for actual fighting and this frightening a lot of us, because we are supposed to engage with mass shooter should they happen.
“Score a first kill on the job” Score?!
Well, that almost says it all about the institution of policing.
I just found this video. Im a cop... as soon as he said that. I immediately thought, this man shouldn't of been a cop. And if thats the culture he was policing with, his department needs to be reformed.
@@imMikeCeemost departments need to be reformed
@@imMikeCeeLmao because you’re the fancy exception to the rule?
@@imMikeCeehe was being sarcastic and aiming at the culture and you know for a fact that culture is not an exception on "his department"
and it's "shouldn't have" btw
@jolie6107 I'd never say that a department doesn't need improvement. None of them are perfect and they will never be. But I'd say an agency allowing that type of policing and culture to flurish requires a bit more urgent attention, wouldn't you agree?
So yea seeing as how what he is saying is miles away from what im experiencing then yea I guess i am the exception.
hey, funny thing, I have a hypervigilance habit that I would describe similarly that I've only started to break down. I've never been in the police or the military or even ever had anything violent happen to me. It was all from being born female and having a parent I was afraid might finally snap one day. I've been deathly afraid of being assaulted for nearly my entire life. It's insane to me that squads of people are deliberately trained to feel that way and given firearms. I don't know who I would wind up shooting first; some innocent or myself.
My little brother became a cop. I see his choice as one possible response to our family's poverty and the abuse prevalent in Central Appalachian communities. My politics are to the farthest Left and I've practiced them. Being a cop tore our bond as brothers apart and eventually, the other cops didn't take him into the "brotherhood" since he read a lot and showed compassion. I despise cops. Thanks for speaking out.
so you abandoned your brother because he became a cop?
@@ndr6495 Man, that's a twisted interpretation of what I wrote. He chose to be a cop because he needed to belittle and bully people and lord that grandiosity, the grandiosity that accompanies that badge, over others. Being a cop allowed the worst of him to move to the forefront. It's a way of spiritually truncated a person. And it's real shame.
@@TerryTappArt You're right, I'm sorry for jumping to a conclusion. I've just seen friendships and family torn apart because of stronghold biases about all cops and utter inability to see them as people too, which I think contributes to cops brains' being even more "broken". But your response shows me otherwise so thanks for explaining.
This is exactly what is meant by “the institution is broken”. I’m not sure why people stop at the criticism itself and don’t look at the reasons why. I would continue to emphasize this as much as possible in as many videos as possible since for some reason people stop listening to details and facts once their beliefs and opinions are challenged and we desperately need more earnest educational offerings and approaches to the discussions.
Guess everyone, even non-right-wing christians, just stops at the phrase without considering were it even comes from, because we all are trained somehow to not go further, ever. The common sense in society is to be presented with ideas already "broken down" and classified as good or bad to us, with clear (unnempirical) logical stuff and illogical stuff. Our "job" as the average people is to simply suck in the info and ridicule the baddies.
Even being a "die hard leftist" proud of, and even praised for, researching each and every single facet of anything I ever dare to defend of despise, even I thought the idea that "the entire corporation is rotten" were ridiculous and we were just dealing with a few bad apples. Then we actually stop to listen to people that have this idea and take a look at actual police training, and voillá, it's not a simple-minded, ridiculous ideology, it was the truth all along. It's really hard to break free form common sense and fully embrace good sense. It's ingrained. I say that from experience.
@@ViniSocramSaint well I’m not sure that is some kind of human nature more than it is exploitative power and politicization. “black v white”, “us v them” mentality helps agenda combat its opposition.
we are encouraged to simplify and dichotomize through propaganda because it serves power.
That's why when I suggest reform to certain architypes of people, I go at it from a pro cop perspective. It makes me feel gross, but at the end of the day it's more important to work together so we can actually get something done. They want us disorganized and fighting against each other too much to ever change things. Plus it's true, I don't want to get into it, but a long time ago I came VERY close to being a cop, only stopped once I ironically spent enough time around other future law enforcement to realize I'm not one of them. I want the system to allow good cops, and what we have right now is the opposite. You HAVE to be a killer, a liar, you HAVE to lock people in a draconian cell, knowing it wont help them, knowing they didn't hurt anyone but themselves, and probably not even that. The point I'm trying to make is, in certain circles, I approach the topic by presuming that pro cop people actually want cops to be the good guys. And I explain to them why that can't be. Because the institution demands you lie, demands you follow corrupt orders, demands you aid and abed criminal coworkers, enforce unjust laws. If they really want good cops, they need to clean house. And probably get a whole new house. And new house rules. Hopefully a new land lord too. Sorry if that metaphor got confusing lol. They need to do away with the drug war, civil forfeiture, bonds, sweeping reform of the courts systems, and more. But do all that, and you wont have to defend cops anymore. Everyone wants cops, we just don't want THESE cops. We want to feel safer around them, feel like they wont kill our loved ones, or hem us up for profits and victimless drug offenses. We can't have good cops until the job they sign up to do actually reflects that.
It's the only way you will get certain people to listen. That, or if they, or someone they love, experience police abuse and mistreatment for themselves first hand. It's insane, we've been doing this dance for hundreds of years, and instead of giving people a way out of poverty, addiction, educations, meaningful lives, we just keep giving money to the cops, expanding them, and acting like it's needed because unsurprisingly, hiring more cops, meant more crimes being charged, because cops needed to justify their existence. Imagine how much cheaper it would be to enforce law in city full of people who had purpose, and felt fulfilled in life. That didn't want for any basic life necessity. But they don't want, it would be cheaper, but they aren't the ones paying to begin with. They want crime, they want to justify keeping the oligarch private army numbers high. And ready to follow orders without hesitation.
@@dishonoredundead with the other comment gone I can’t accurately respond with all context of the conversation.
I’m not even sure what I originally replied to now.
not sure what you mean by “certain archetypes” or “pro-cop perspective”. You mean reform? vs what like defunding or abolition? do you really know what defunding or abolition are? More like what you said except without the establishment and institutionalization. I used to work in the school system and “defunding education” was a topic everyday because it happened every year for decades and no one flipped about that word or activity then lol.
Part of this thing about “fighting against each other” is it’s own agit propaganda to make it seem as if certain people are calling for things they aren’t actually or won’t at all appear like the lack of organization or structure the propaganda is implying.
people need to not listen to what people who are anti-defunding or anti-abolition say that defunding or abolition mean and actually hear what those calling for it mean, especially all those who literally sociological and scientifically compiled and composed the theory and resolutions.
This is such a wild story to hear. Like, "let's turn hypervigilence and catastrophizing into a career!"
I have cPTSD. I often say: "My inner alarm system is like a badly calibrated fire alarm. Light a candle and it goes off." I know that. So when my alarm system goes off, I know I have to:
1) find a way to remove myself from the situation. I literally do not know if I'm in danger or overreacting.
2) calm down.
3) analyse the situation as rationally as I can.
To imagine that someone would hand me a gun and say that 1) should be: "shoot" is... just asking for innocent people getting killed.
Damn, your story was literally that meme "it was another Tuesday."
As someone who struggles with intrusive thoughts, if it's bad self-talk, I imagine it's Dale Gribble telling me that crud. I do the same as you for my imagination as you. I have to keep things "behind doors" and put them on mental shelves. If it's REALLY BAD, I have to let it play through and treat it like a fanfic and put it on a "shelf."
This was super eye opening. Thank you so much. Sloppy vlogs are perfect and helped balance the tone a bit with "hangout" vibes.
Dale... Genius. Maybe I'll do that with Boomhauer. "Talkin' bout dang ol active shooter in this Walmart throwin' them ol smoke grenades man, gotta get low, man."
Omg I will def try Dale for my intrusive thoughts!
That explains what I've been wondering about for a long time: what makes American cops so cowardly? It seems that every time they're in trouble for police brutality, murder, or dereliction of duty, their excuse is always, "I was scared". Now it makes sense--their training demoralizes them.
Like cops should ot be trained to kill to be sure, and mental selfcar, tools to dscalat primary. Not prpar thm for a war. Also the army seems to be better at deescalating which . ...
Why are cops trained to be killing mahines, and tool of terror, without military disciplie.
It doesn't demoralize them. It trains them to see everything as a potential threat. That's not demoralizing; it's training to be trigger happy.
@@Apostate1970 being trigger-happy can be a form of demoralization. I think we're on the same page, here.
yeah exactly. if you spend months telling someone that anyone they see could be the person who kills them then they’ll spend their entire life in fear of everyone else. and then they give them a gun. i mean, jesus christ, no wonder there aren’t any good cops.
I think you raise the important point here that cops are not trained this way worldwide. There are many alternative training protocols that could be studied and implemented to make policing safer for the community and healthier for the police. It's only in the US that this looks like "abolition".
“If this ever happens you’ll know what to do” is so true!! You, as a man with experience, will react almost naturally in any violent situation you come across in real life.
being able to hear the perspective of an ex-cop turned police abolitionist is so fascinating and valuable. thanks for sharing, i really appreciate you making these videos.
The fact they drilled paranoia into your mind instead of helping the innocent is the sickest part. It's never been about protecting the public, it's always been about battling the public and preservation of self. They do not protect, and they do not serve. The US Supreme Court has ruled that cops are there to first and foremost protect private property, not "protecting and serving" US.
It's always been about property relations. It was born out of protecting property and wealth.
@@mattgilbert7347 Yeah this is true, some care more about protecting property than protecting lives, since property has a calculable value and lives do not (life is priceless, but that can also lead to the opinion that there is no value to human life because its not tangible).
@@legend7951 Sure. It's ideological. The police exist to uphold Capitalist property relations of domination and exploitation.
What Supreme Court ruling you are referring to?
They also ruled that illegal to be an intelligent cop.
I was in the military and the police training you are describing is exactly what the military is trainined for.
Officers shouldn't be trained like military personnel because they are dealing with civilians not combatants.
There are two ex police in my family, and each of them ended their police careers after a very long time on mental health leave. And they both after so many years still need regular counseling. They are scarred.
My dad gave me this on a more soft core level. He was a cop and always told me to be cautious and ready for tragedy. It makes me feel ready but he gave me all the worries he had and I fight everyday to try not to give it unto others. I wasn’t where he was but it impacted him so much, it influenced my entire family.
Acorns and pocket lint out there, you gotta be on constant alert!
He's very good, much appreciated.
In a sociology class in college the professor pointed out some papers that studied how veteran police officers are more likely to interpret all gestures as dangerous. Over time, old cops become more likely to interpret situations as being dangerous.
Nothing is more dangerous than an old cop. They don’t take shit but they can’t read the room. This “brain breakage” leads to many instances of outrageous use of force and all the while the men doing this violence are scrambled. I do have sympathy for cops to the extent that I recognize that the job is so psychologically damaging. I think it’s a reflection of how damaging capitalism is to every human spirit.
I wouldnt feel bad for cops. THey made a choice to become an enemy of the people.
I’ve long wondered if a good START would be to just organize police officers like workers. The “police union” is a glorified lobbying/political/PR group. It does little of what a normal trade union does. I can’t help but wonder what policing could look like if they had real trade unions instead of what they actually have. Esp bc I’ve read so many stories about PDs being integrated, hiring BIPOC or women, or in situations where there’s a whistleblower on the Force, & they get hazed, harrassed, threatened, mysterious sabotage, etc etc & those cops would have some protection & recourse with a genuine union having their backs. A real union probably wouldn’t have let a bunch of cops get covid while they fight mandates either. (Or pass covid on to vulnerable people packed in institutions in their care.)
Individual PD union chapters that network into a national union with trade union principles can become a scaffold for other reforms along the way to transforming or abolishing the role of LEOs-for eg I saw another commenter on a different channel talking about standardizing a national baseline education curriculum/program/degree-credentialed path specifically for LEOs; it can get grandfathered in while cutting the current “conference copaganda” workshops/training LEOs get currently, a lot of which is pseudoscience + copthink-magical-thinking-manifestation like the fentanyl training or blood spatter forensics, plus hearty helpings of aggro patriot thin blue line/us vs everyone who isn’t us type crap taught by charlatans with tenuous exaggerated careers in law or military, some with stolen valour, & the Warrior Culture diet they get fed like geese slated to become foie gras.
Couldn’t agree more, and once you mention capitalism like that prepare for hell hath no fury like a preconceived scorn Stockholm syndrome suffering flood of knee jerk reaction induced victims popping out of the woodwork to chastise you, that was quite a mouthful but so is capitalism.. lol.
It’s even more damaging when the prison industrial complex incentives kick in
"Capitalism is when le bad"
I'm a victim of child abuse, you are explaining what life is like for me, a life of constant hyper vigilance.
The way we understand trauma/addiction is flawed in our society. I believe this stems from our spiritual pitfalls (concept of sin). I have struggled with social anxiety and relate heavily with the yellow baseline when in public. Truth is addiction, trauma, crime are not individual failings but societal ones. We aught not to believe in punishment as means to heal because it engrains a mindset that self-inflicts that dilemma.
@@ozymandiasramesses1773having “wicked imaginations” is a sin…. Whether it’s violence, sex, traumatic. Etc. so if you’re doing work where you have to CONSTANTLY imagine blowing a guys brains out or walk in on a disaster out murder scene bloody and gore victims etc. you are in deed inviting a demonic force into your life.
What happened to you?
I cannot express how impactful this video is on my life today, right now and since I first watched it. Watching it again now so I can discuss this with my therapist today.. I wish I could do more to express my gratitude. Maybe I can come to believe that I am not what I so fear that I've become.
wow thank you for the kind words and the Super Thanks, I'm very grateful
I can tell you that as a Vet this kind of programming and amplification is both incredibly hard to shake and one of the things that stems from and easily leads to PTSD and self harm. It's a problem that many of my fellow Marines have had to deal with and something my younger and older siblings had to shake off when they got back from their combat deployments. It's also one of the things that can lead to horrendous outcomes if you cannot set aside.
The fact is people in general are not built to be in a heightened state of awareness, sensing threats, constantly. It is mentally exhausting, morally draining, and easily induces paranoia. And this is just talking about a regular nine month deployment to a combat zone, where more than any place in life the possibility of death does indeed creep ever closer. To willingly subject yourself to something like that on a daily basis cannot be good in any respect.
This almost brought me to tears. As a former security professional and almost cop, your talk about hypervigilance was so spot on. I'm so glad I didn't pursue a career in law enforcement. It was hard enough breaking the mental patterns I had developed as just security.
So, this kind of cop mentality supposedly exists "to protect the officer from harm"...
...while, in actual practice, it's yeeting the officer's mind directly to the Immaterium to be torn apart by the Chaos Gods. Got it.
Did you just Warhammer cop brains?
@@skitariiranger4346 The Imperium of Man is a metaphor for the left and Chaos is a metaphor for the right, change my mind.
(I'm only half-joking)
@@whatsthisidonteven "shut up, liberal" says the fascist (horus) to the other fascist (big E)
Lol
Cops: If you don't constantly visualize your own violent death, you will be unprepared and hesitant when *that day* comes.
Uvalde cops when *that day* came: I can't go in I visualized my own violent death too much
My personal take is because they recognized they were throwing themselves into harms way and that goes against their trainings. From what I've seen, researched, and heard its clear cop training isnt about saving people but instead its about self preservation.
A true "good cop" will lay down their life to defend an innocent person.
A bad cop only cares about themselves and other cops.
Uvalde was a disgrace for the nation.
@@burningsnow9870 That checks out
@@lakecityransomTbf there's an argument that maybe regular police aren't good for disarming school shootings.
I used to trust cops. Then I turned twelve.
I turned 11 twice because fuck 12
@@dewfan4the original.
@@dewfan4 hard
Yep. 12 is when Rodney king happened
Yea I stopped trusting cops around that time too.
thank you so much for sharing your experience(s) with us. you articulate it so well. i had hypervigilance and PTSD from a number of scary incidents and i still can't relax in crowds. i am quite comfortable being a hermit with a good social network!
I've deployed to Afghanistan and Iraq and have never watched a more relatable video in my entire life
thank you for making this video
I live in sweden, i did some military service about a decade ago, never deployed into a warzone tho.
But i did some active guard duty protecting secure mobilization points and secret areas, and once we had a situation were i almost had to become violent, dont want to get into too many details but we were able to deescalate the situation and it was all a big missunderstanding, essentialy it was a case of civilians playing airsoft in the forest and was unaware that there was secret stuff nearby and had not notified police beforehand. So we rolled upp with guns ready on a group of people in russian gear looking as if they were on a sabotage mission. Things got tense there for a while and i sat there in the car checking the gun and psyked me upp to get in the mindset. One hand on the gun, the other on the car handle, starring at the officers back, watching for the signal to go out there and start engageing the enemy.
Nothing came of it. We did not need to shoot anyone, and i am very fucking happy about that, but it still to this day returns from time to time in my mind that at that point in time. I was ready to kill, and that is a very disdurbing thought.
gay
@@MD-zm6sn Pan actualy. whats your point?
@@jizburg I'm Peter Pan we're both delusional.
@@jizburg You're not the only one who's special.
@@MD-zm6sn who said i was?
Not sure why I got recommended this but I’m glad I did. My father was a very private man but he was always on alert. Even a nice summer day going for ice cream he’d say “If I was in my car I’d arrest that guy”. He physically abused me one time so badly my mom called the cops. The cops gave him the little handshake thing and told me “in Florida you’re allowed to discipline (beat) your kids”. I was puffy and bruised and bleeding and crying. My mom said my uncle would pick me up, my dad said he’d “stand his ground”. I had so many questions I needed answers for. I had so many things I wanted to yell at him for. But now he’s gone and I’m just left with confusion and sadness. I’m glad this was recommended. I needed some answers.
I'm often accused of being against friends of mine who are currently in police work, and this couldn't be further from the truth. I know people who are wonderful gardeners, dedicated parents, earnest thinkers and all around wonderful folks, but so long as they put on badges and take up arms they're unfortunately going to be part of an organization that is a danger to the public. And it's a hell of thing on their mental health, even if I think they get weirdly attached to it.
Yup 100%. Plenty of good people convince themselves to do horrible things in service of the carceral state.
@@ThatDangDad The issue I have always had with the idea of some cops are actually good people, is that I can't count them as "Good Apples" if they aren't reporting the "Bad Apples". Correct me if I'm wrong, but, based on the current state of policing in america, a "Good Apple" would be making reports constantly, if they were, by my definition, a "Good Apple". As the saying goes, "A few bad apples will spoil the bunch." meaning that you need to get the "Bad Apples" away from the "Good Apples" or you will be left with nothing but "Bad Apples". Based on your descriptions of police training, that "Bad Apples" are in command, and they have been in that position for decades, IF NOT FOREVER. (being that police officers in america started as slave hunters, it is probably closer to forever) So at this point, if you are a "Good Apple" in the beginning, you will either quit, be fired, or become a "Bad Apple". We as a country are doomed.
@@sevilnatas Oh, when they're in uniform, these friends of mine stop being friends until they're off duty. And I wouldn't talk to them about anything that might get someone hurt. Less 'they suck' more 'there's no way to separate them from the institution even partly while they're on the clock'.
@@sevilnatas Because of the normalization of that metaphor, the original meaning was lost. The metaphor used to have a specific meaning: one bad apple will cause an entire barrel of apples to spoil. So, if you have one bad apple in a barrel, after not much time, you have an entire barrel of bad apples. People mix metaphors here with an implied reference possibly to the parable of the sheep and the goats; as if there are good apples (sheep) and bad apples (goats). But the two metaphors are completely different. The fact that you have bad cops implies the entire police department is rotten. There are no "good apples" in a police department like that.
@@noosphericaltarzan I believe the cliche can have two different meanings. The first would be that the presence of the one bad apple ruins the bunch because even one bad apple is enough for a person to perceive the bunch of apples is all bad. The other meaning, which I most ascribe to, is that fruit has a property that when a spoiling or rotten piece of fruit is put in with fresh versions of the same fruit, the "ripening hormone" Ethylene, that bad apple speeds up the maturing or spoiling process in the rest of the bunch, and if left unchecked, the rest of the bunch goes rotten prematurely.
The later is what I am referring to and I contend that we should have gotten that "bad apple" outta the bunch decades ago. Although it may be the case that we actually started with a bunch of bad slave hunters, I mean apples, and we have been introducing good rookie cops, I mean apples, into the bunch of rotten apples, and they don't have a chance. They go bad very quickly, due to the overwhelming amount of Ethylene emanating from all the bad apples.
I don't live in the US, but I have an inkling of the slow torture of that mindset. My late dad was a firefighter-paramedic and got to see all the guts, gore and mangled bodies and stared the bottom of a bottle tears in his eyes for so many nights. Especially after he "scraped some kids head from the pavement into the bag" and similar cases. He sometimes told the stories when he was on the second 1 liter bottle of 42% vodka.
I, on the other hand, got the hypervigilance through psychosis-style paranoid-disorder ("faulty frame of reference" I think they called it) after years of bullying from kindergarten til I was 14. Constantly waited for attacks on the streets, dreaded parked cars with people in them or dark windows. Fought down full panic when someone was on a roof etc. Had researched the whole damn city center block by block for ambush- and hiding points. Aaand then the darker stuff I don't need to dig publicly. After 7 years, I was awake (again) one night and started a conversation from my dissociated part to my "here"-part. "Hey, something ever happen after the bullying stopped?" "No?" "Well, shouldn't you go get help, then, cause this ain't gonna end well?" "Guess you're right." Still, 24 years later when I'm in a crap mental state, the old loop starts revving up. And it's exhausting as hell and when you tire, it get's harder to fight it off.
If I combine that with my dad's condition and think about someone like that having a gun and authority... Yeah, I think I'm not heading over to your side of the Atlantic any time soon. I'm worried enough around the local law enforcement with all the stuff that's surfaced about them in connection with the swastika-crowd.
I'm sorry for your suffering! Anxiety and PTSD are disabling.
I overcame mine by practicing mindfulness and mediation. I also study A Course in Miracles.
i really like this video format. it gives a much-needed human perspective to police abolition, particularly from the ex-cop side of things. the whole police system is abuse - people are abused by the system when they become cops, they abuse civilians on duty, they abuse family members off duty... it's really sad.
As someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder, I often struggle with extreme paranoia. Not “manic” but an ever present sense of feeling unsafe. I too often sit facing the door of the restaurant, often watch people who I profile as “suspicious”. The fact that being a cop trained your brain to work this way is so immensely depressing. The fact that it’s not only encouraged but expected to think like this, is disturbing. I wouldn’t trust myself to “protect” my community (there’s so much bullshit in that statement) so the fact anyone would think that conditioning the people meant to “protect” us to think like me, is a good idea is terrifying. It baffles me that people would basically choose to exist in a state that I spend every waking moment of my life trying to avoid.
I am in the process of retiring out from my Corrections job after 19 years. A lot of what you said hits the nail on the head. During orientation they showed us a video compilation of violent prison assaults set to heavy metal music. I was a quiet, scared, naive 24 year old that wanted a good paying job with benefits. I had to change who I was to fit into the culture. Through therapy I learned that I was playing a role, for 18 years. It’s exhausting.
And yes, you become afraid to go out in public. Danger could be around any corner. You dread being recognized by former inmates. You feel vulnerable because you can’t call for help from your buddies. You are so immersed in the negative world that you can no longer see good in people.
I was chronically sleep deprived because we had untenable overtime requirements. This lowered my tolerance for any irritation or disrespect. I no longer wanted to “waste time” deescalating and just wanted to jump right to force. I had been promoted to sergeant and couldn’t formulate a plan without just planning to use force. I had the constant racing thoughts, fantasizing about “making the world a better place” if some people were no longer in it. The final straw was when I started hallucinating moving shadows in my peripheral.
I started the retirement process, started going to therapy, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. Yes, I will permanently be on guard the rest of my life, but I don’t have the dark thoughts or intrusive images anymore.
I’ll never forget a detective coming into work to buy a suit and just casually talking about someone who hung themselves and graphically describing the scene.
I had told my manager I wanted to take my lunch break after my next customer, I wound up waiting until they made me take my break (labor laws and such) and just drank a soda instead of eating cause my appetite was completely gone, stomach twisted.
I felt so sorry for him- the fact he’s been so traumatized and desensitized that he saw nothing wrong with casually describing how a hanging victim’s decomposition with a 21 year old retail worker.
Hate it when customers trauma dump but thats another level
Not everyone is as weak and pathetic as you. He’s doing a job. And he shouldn’t have even told you about it how unprofessional of him.
It's not just cops of course, I lived in a getto from 10 to 20 and came out largely the same. I was unable to relax in any normal social event only when alone or in a 1 on 1 situation. For a long time I too was proud of this as I was the only member of my social circle to only get attacked only by "choice". I only fought when it meant leaving a friend on their own. I became the groups wise man since I could walk through any area and avoid every scrap by reading body language from 50 feet away.
Anyways when I left shitsville those same skills hindered my progress in normal society. It took the love of a few good women, drinking, and many years to finally put it behind me.
This year was the first time I found myself in a dangerous situation and didn't have the old programs kick in. Maybe that should have worried me but instead I became happy that I was finally something more then a human security system.
Anywho my point was it can take years 28 in my case but if you keep pushing away from that training eventually you can put it behind you.
Sargent Dickrifle killed me.
I automatically subscribed.
Also, the inciting rage part in the final text after the kind calming tone of the video... Couldn't have loved it more.
100% the best video I've watched the whole day.
My dad is an ex-Marine MP. He taught me to always be yellow, and being immunocompromised with COVID rampant has made every activity outside of my house become a risk assessment. So, I sort of understand where you're coming from.
To know that those same training tactics are still being used is 1) scary as hell and 2) explains A LOT. You're right, a system that is built on these principles cannot be reformed. And your perspective (plus the Uvalde shooting, where the timeline and “facts” just keep changing) has really solidified my stance as a police abolitionist.
I really enjoyed this lower-profile, more open vlog-type video! Obviously, the researched and fleshed-out ones are cool too, but I’d be cool seeing more like this! Have a great night!
(psst, you might recognize me from the PFP and name but I'm Derek from Twitter)
Yeah I recognized ya. :) And thanks for sharing! I'm conflicted because I do think good situational awareness is a benefit in a lot of ways. It's good to take your safety seriously. At the same time, I really take it too far sometimes!
could you elaborate more on the system beyond reform point? Do you mean the current policing system in America or any form of policing is inherently immoral?
And all the echos of high school rings out yelling "pusssssssyyyyyy"
Spot on. I worked with police for many years; I had detective friends. These people were honorable and ethical for the most part. Then, something changed... the training, the attitude... cops became cowards "contolling the situation immediately," they hid behind serious firepower, and they began killing with impunity because their union would protect them (dead men/women tell no tales). The most significant change I saw was "protect yourself first, protect the citizen second." These pricks are truly out of hand.
The institution convinces cops that they are the only defense of society, and because of that theyre convinced theyre the good guys of society who must always be there to “protect”, so when you choose between this saintly defender of peace and a regular citizen, why wouldnt they choose the defender of peace?
It goes all the way down to the root of the American Soldier myth, i believe. The divination of soldiers and patriots.
I'm autistic, and that's how I've always felt when I leave the house since I was old enough to recognize danger like that. It IS exhausting, and I can't leave the house for longer than about an hour without getting burnt out and staring an argument with someone. I'm sorry you had that inflicted upon you for doing what you thought was trying to help. Good for you for talking about it. Thank you.
I really like the sloppy personal format. I find it extremely powerful.
The way you talk about this sounds like how my PTSD writes my life. Constant state of danger, exhausted, takes enjoyment out of being around people, and way too many made up theories in your head. There's many more than I have the words to describe but wow I really don't think living this way is worth any amount of money.
I'm less than three minutes in and I'm already flabbergasted. I assumed the ridiculous bullet counts were because of anxiety or recklessness. I did not realize dumping a mag was trained into you guys
It almost sounds like they trained anxiety into you. I have anxiety and what my brain does seems to be how they naturally wanted you to think.
When you started talking about how you work through those dark thoughts is exactly how I have learned to coup with my anxiety.
As a fellow anxiety sufferer very tiny controlled amounts of weed help me , but I also have ice therapy, deep breathing exercises and sensory techniques that override the thoughts and sensations most of the time. Not all the time. Everyone has to develop unique coping mechanisms when it comes to an anxiety. It is clinically speaking, depression in reverse. It's why there is so much overlap.
@@jaredponder4149 I've heard a couple of people say that weed or CBD really helps. Maybe I should try
@@sagebuttercrunch go for it
coups are bad
@@sagebuttercrunch go for it *as long as you don't have a family history of epilepsy, schizophrenia, or any other condition that could be affected by psychoactive drugs. If you do have a family history that makes you susceptible to side effects from THC id suggest CBD. same benefits minus the psychoactive effects. I am not a doctor though. Most doctors arent as judgemental about weed as you'd think, id highly recommend chatting with a trusted practitioner to double check you're not going to have any adverse reactions to meds you may already be on. Good luck and be safe:)
Edit-- also as someone who chose weed before therapy, id also highly recommend trying more holistic solutions first. Visualization exercises, meditation, etc etc. Weed is not necessarily as "dangerous" as harder drugs but there's a lot of missing research into how it affects people longterm. sincerely, a decade long stoner lol
Hypervigilance and CPTSD are utterly exhausting. It's torture.
Thanks for making this video.
First video I’ve seen by you and greatly appreciate the “sloppy vlog” aesthetic
Thanks for the insight into a seldom shared perspective. Your honesty is greatly appreciated. I hope you find peace in this world.
This hits close to home. In the Marines I devoted a ton of time to our martial arts program. One exercise I remember was where one person would have a foam knife coated in lipstick and the other would be unarmed. Not a single unarmed person got through the fight without lipstick streaks all over, even when our lead instructor fought the weakest student.
Idk it's rare to find someone learning to have a gentle heart again after becoming a trained killer and I appreciate that you are open about your experiences. Listening to you has helped me move past a big hurdle
oh this was killer, finally advice for dealing with intrusive/ hyper-vigilant thought spirals that seems effective. thank you for speaking so candidly about this
It is entirely possible to feel sympathy for someone in a very, very bad place, while recognizing it can make them very, very dangerous and in need of being treated as such. I don't think we can be serious about restorative justice if we cannot - or refuse to - keep both attitudes at work at once. All cops are broken.
Such a good way to illustrate the issue, that the institution hurts cops as well as civilians.
DemonMama sent me here, she and her audience really liked the video!
oh cool! I like DemonMama!
My father was a cop and always sat facing the door.. his hyper vigilance and paranoia bled onto me. When he passed, I became SUPER PARANOID and hypervigilant! Like you, I would fantasize fighting off attackers.. like a year ago I was so terrified a hedge trimmer was going to attack me with his trimmer! After that, I knew I had to change my thought process. Like you, I would do the thing where I scream out loud to myself absolutely not! Think about something else right now! And doing that over and over and over again, I was able to stop having paranoid, fantasies.. thank you for sharing your story!!
Those of us with diagnosed OCD can empathize with this, too. I don't have bad experiences to pull from, but my brain is more than happy to provide horrible "what ifs" constantly. I can't imagine it with actual nightmare fuel to pull from.
Thank for this video. Years ago my partner went through the academy, and excelled because they essentially weaponized my partner’s childhood CPTSD. We’re both so happy that they decided against finding a job policing (too many red flags from instructors). Years later and after a lot of therapy my partner is doing much better. But if they’d actually become a cop it’s have been so much worse
Glad they dodged a bullet (so to speak)!
@@ThatDangDad I’m also happy to hear you are doing better! I first found you in 2020 and one of your videos really helped me understand the sort of mindset the training instills my partner was struggling with
I bookmarked this video. I think your exercises would help they too.
Wow. Just a random 26 year old passing by, who's been "unlearning" alot of the toxic habits, trauma, and mindset that were drilled into me by my family and the church as a child.
Your line about your partner "excelling" because they weaponized his vulnerabilities makes me shudder because I realize how naïve I used to be because I too was very close to becoming a police officer. It's only now that I'm a bit older that I recognize my talents of "compartmentalizing" and being "hyper vigilant" were actually symptoms of bigger unresolved personal issues; issues that I probably would have never addressed if I ended up taking the job.
Dunno know how the algorithm got me here, but as a formerly toxic dude who's working on being healthier, it's really scary (and also inspiring) reading these comments and finding so many parallels to my own life. Thank you both!
I was almost adopted by a police officer family, and I've always been very thankful that I never wound up in police or military because i would have excelled in ways that absolutely terrify me.
I had a good childhood in a good home with loving parents, and school bullies almost turned me into a monster...i shudder to think what i would have become had someone who knew exactly how to hone and weaponize my mind for destruction got ahold of me.
ETA - even typing this comment has me in a state because it's a constant battle for me against self destructive tendencies and outward aggression and I've been coping with a pretty intense backslide lately after having been doing better than I ever have. Idk how this video even popped up on my feed but I think I really REALLY needed to see this, and the comment i replied to and everyone else here really drove it home that I need to keep fighting these issues and that it is indeed worth the effort.
@@CHPMP5 The academy definitely latched onto my partners highly developed hyper-vigilance and compartmentalization. In the beginning they were so proud because they excelled miles beyond other cadets in how to visualize various outcomes going badly and personal defense. Then the instructors started traumatizing the class with videos of cops dying and weird, culty chants. That started a spiral of increasing flashbacks, depression, and anxiety.
While the academy didn't cause my partner additional mental health struggles, it also created a dissonance where they started relying heavily on the consequences of trauma to excel. That can only end badly.
I'm so happy to hear that your own journey has been one of healing. Hang in there. Things definitely get better!!
That was a great breakdown into the mind of a cop. Especially the part about them putting their own safety over public safety.
I've never run across a more accurate description of my relationship to the world. I'm not a cop or a veteran but when you mentioned CPTSD, I heaved a sigh. My spouse and I just had a spat that could have been a fight. I'm sending a link to this to her in hopes it clarifies things.
Hyper-vigilance, for me, comes both from my PTSD and its interaction with neurodivergence. I rarely sit with my back to the room, and can't deal with city centres without cutting off audio processing from the area. Too much information all at once, so I wipe out one source to reduce the overactive analysis.
I'm not a cop, I've never been one. I'm merely reacting to my brain dealing with too much information.
In terms of calming myself, listening to something - audio books, podcasts, video essays - can make life more manageable. Counting and mental arithmetic helps occupy the problem areas of my brain. Breathing exercises can be subtly integrated into everyday life.
I hadn't thought about it, but I'm someone who is ALWAYS listening to music or podcasts. I wonder...
@@ThatDangDad Yep, same. I also have a not insubstantial amount of childhood trauma & neurodivergence. Lol
I've never heard it explained so perfectly. Thank you for just putting it out there for regular folks to hear.
Thanks for this take, this helps me understand the way I've felt around cops that I've hung out with in their off duty time. A part of me always felt like they were on edge and that feeling wouldn't let me relax around them either and they naturally became the person I wouldn't hang out with much. Your description really helped me see that we need to save cops from their own 'training' just as much as everyone else.
This was fascinating but your description of hyper vigilance and awareness is exactly what women have been taught for decades on how to keep ourselves safe in public. I found myself envious that you became so good at this because I have aspired to be constantly on alert like that, noticing everything and everyone, imagining and preparing for the worse, my whole life. The difference, of course, regarding the point you are making, is that I don’t carry a gun, so my attitude is 100% defensive. I’m no danger to anyone.
Women were taught? 😂 I was taught how to be safe as a young boy
Ex prison guard/correctional behavior worker. Needed this. Thank you.
Thank you for this... so few well spoken ex police discuss this. We average joes can't fully understand what it's like to be a cop ... because we haven't been.
Hey I think we have the same pc monitor haha
I think it's more than law enforcement protects abusers...I mean they do but.
They also actively seek out that type of recruit. They attract, abusive people on purpose all the time. Because that's what a culture does... it breeds more of the same... they don't want to have to put up with some softie lib cop and show them how it's done .... so they actively give out all the signals that this isn't the profession for you. They put tactical teams and weapons on their recruiting posters instead of a cop writing a ticket or helping at a crash.
I feel so called out by the very specific anxiety that going to a movie theater creates.
Never been a cop but I’ve had some traumatic experiences, a few even including cops, and one with a really fucking malicious firefighter lol, regardless it is wild to me that it sounds like they are trying to train cops by doing ‘CBT _but make it hyper vigilance and intrusive thoughts.’_
Hyper vigilance was in my brain before I even became an adult!
I was born in a rough area near Toronto and I trained myself to be in "red light mode". I never left the house without a weapon and I constantly ran scenarios. I know every exit, fire extinguisher, and diffibrilator location in every store. I scan for possible threats and allies. And, of course, never have my back to the door.
I'm 57 now, had my share of fights but never needed to be so prepared. It fried my brain!
I was surprised how you mentioned prison reform. It seems that the public would rather punish someone than to help someone. Revenge rather than reform. It's gotta change.
I want to echo what I'm seeing in a lot of comments about how the mindset you describe sounds like something I experience. I spent 4 years in foster care after my parents died, and the home was abusive and extremely critical of everything I did. Anything at all, even one less-than-spotless dish would spiral into an interrogation that would last for hours. I was too afraid to get help because they had convinced me that I'd wind up in a state-run home if they reported me (report me for what, is unclear). It hasn't been until after years of therapy that I'm starting to grasp how this affects me today...I find myself constantly arguing with imagined antagonists questioning my motives, and going out in a big group is exhausting...my head is constantly on a swivel evaluating everyone around me. I really appreciate you telling your story, it adds a layer to my understanding of my own situation that I didn't have before.
Woof, sorry to hear about your bad experience in foster care. I'm glad therapy is helping you process that! Keep fighting the good fight!
@@ThatDangDad when I was pretty young, maybe 5 or 6, my parents were both working full time a lot and resorted to making me stay with a random acquaintance they somehow vaguely knew, and they had a child a little older than i, who abused me, and of course the mother took their side. This went on for about a week or so until I complained to my parents enough and they never took me back.
I say all this because I can't imagine what your situation in foster care must have been like. I'm sorry you had to face that alone, but i'm proud of your progress all the same. Keep it up!
@@jaredponder4149 Hey, thanks for the kind words (to both of you). It's strange how talking about this in a comments section is easier than confiding in friends (I do, just...gradually). I'm in a much better place these days, but it's crazy how often I have these slow-motion-drop-the-coffee-cup realizations about how something in my mind that I take for granted can be clearly traced back to the coping mechanisms I developed growing up. Lately I find myself wanting to share more in the hopes it will help others. As for the foster home, I think I wound up in a bad place in the rural midwest at a time when the system didn't have the resources to vet the few available homes they could find. It doesn't change the past, but recontextualizing it has helped me move on.