Thank you for this video. I’m a heterosexual male and my oldest told me that they are non-binary about 3 months ago. So that I would not offend them because, I love them more than anything. I just accepted it without fully understanding it. This video has helped me better understand what the term means. Thank you again!
I know this is old, but more people should be telling you that you're awesome. IDK if you have any idea how important your acceptance and love is to your child while going through something like this, but it can, and all too often is, the difference between life and death. Thank you, I wish more parents were like you.
You are awesome. As someone who’s seen the effects of a homophobic/transphobic parent on their child, I am very glad that you elected for immediate acceptance rather than waiting until you understood it. Don’t get me wrong, understanding is very much important, but immediate acceptance avoids any stress that waiting could result in. You are awesome!
You are valid, because same. Also, I learned about Luxander's thoughts about how trans people come about which was interesting, so very worthwhile. Is that Russian I see? If so - Оставайся любопытным! ^-^
@@riddhinursinghomegeneralho840 Trans means you don't feel comfortable with your assigned sex at birth, as in not feeling male nor female, so you gender identity is different. Nonbinary is a subcategory of transgender, where you feel unassociated with your assigned sex, but neither the label man nor woman fits you.
I totally feel you on this, Lux, and it falls in line with a lot of what researchers are finding about being gay or bi. At the same time, I think "it hurts my feelings" SHOULD be enough to have your pronouns and reality respected. Even if there isn't/wasn't a genetic or physiological and measurable thing which is creating transness or enbiness, it still deserves respect and protection and resources. BECAUSE HUMANS.
4 года назад+2
I'm sorry to bother, but I got really really interested in these studies, do you have any source material available for sharing? I would be very thankful.
Instead of typing a novella you could've just googled "historical third genders" or "anthropological gender" The two-gender model is the result of colonialism, this variation in humans has always existed
@Mira _ my point is that the supposed fixed correlation of gender and sex is blatantly falsified by a glance 250 years into the past. Furthermore, sex is clearly not binary either, so strict adherence to a binary-sex-correlates-with-binary-gender model is also useless Is the two-sex-two-gender model correct? Objectively not. Is it useful? Not really. Does it actively hurt pretty much everybody? You bet.
My grandkid told me that they are non-binary. They are 10 years old. I am happy to know that their parents are both just as accepting as I am. Their sister is also quite comfortable with this expression. The good part is that they didn't seem to have any stress at all in saying what they felt and believed. I wish it could be this easy for others, but if we keep treating non-binary as normal, perhaps it will be. Thank you for this video that helps me better understand.
The whole issue of nonbinary is not something I can accept because it is subjective. For me truth is objective. How else can discover if sth is just a fad. What if I identify as nonbinary but I am lying? How can my claim be falsified. Since it cannot, I subscribe to Hitchen's razor.
I have been recently exploring my identity as nonbinary, using they/them pronouns and settling into the my identity going a bit beyond the confines of non-gender-conforming woman. Your channel has been an absolutely wonderful resource for me and your pragmatism and honesty are breaths of fresh air in a community I've found a little bit intimidating and/or frustrating in the past. I'd kind of held onto the idea of being pansexual nonbinary as a possibility for a while but knowing I could pass as a cisgender woman in a heterosexual partnership (my wonderful fiance is a cis male and I have a fairly feminine appearance IRL) made me dismiss my feelings of displacement in the traditional binary space. I didn't want to come across as treading where I didn't belong, when I have the privilege of being able to 'blend' so easily, when other enbies, transfolk, etc have so much struggle just getting along in their day to day. But over all I think I was denying something inherent about myself, too, and that was causing me some very real distress. I recently came out to my main friend groups about my identity as genderfluid and I've felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It feels easier to breathe not being just defaulted to as a girl, a woman. When someone refers to me as they/them, or asks me what I'm feeling more strongly at the time (in regards to gender), I feel... just a little bit more affirmed and comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for doing what you do, Lux. Your videos have been really helping me navigate this process, and I appreciate that you exist.
It's ok to feel like you relate more to males as a female or to females as a male or you feel like both or neither. It doesn't make you any less of the gender you are or any less of a person. It's just your unique experience of who you are
Thanks for this video (btw your voice is mezmerizing) Recently, I was talking with a friend who told me that I might be non-binary, because I identify both as a male and female. Since I am a kid I don't mind people call me "she" or "he", both are fine for me, and while talking with my psychiatrist (I have BPD), he told me "you have the body of a girl, but with a really manly soul, are you going to transition?". This really confused me, because I don't feel the need to change my body. I mean I am pretty happy that I have boobs, it's just that in my head I feel I am both male and female. When people ask me if I am a girl or a boy I am always super confused, and usually go like "meh, call me what you think suits me the most, i don't care". (sorry for my English, i'm not a native speaker)
What you're describing is perfectly normal. I feel both male and female psychologically and I've always assumed that's just part of being human like having a masculine and feminine side or an anima and an animus. If you're comfortable in your body, hold onto that. I don't really care how people refer to me either, In my head I'm a gay man. When I was a kid people thought I was pretty "girly" and most of my friends were girls but I never had any dysphoria and my identity as a man is based on my birth sex. I feel I have attributes that people would call feminine or masculine but I just don't really care. I think about people as male/female based on the sex I perceive them to be, and I refer to people as they wish. I don't perceive male/female outside of perceived sex. A non binary person will always be male or female (or intersex) in my head based on their perceived sex and I can't change that. The rest of it just feels like treating people with dignity. I liken this to the fact that I am not religious but I recognise that religion is important to some people. I don't believe in God therefore in my mind therefore religion is just a personal thing, but identities like these still affect how people are and how they live. I sometimes wonder with this stuff if there's also a connection to the interplay between power and trauma (control of perception, permanent body modification, retreat from pressures to conform to particular behaviours associated with one's sex, patriarchy etc) like the fact that in my country the number of females who go on to identify as male or non-binary is much higher than the reverse, or that now many psychologists and doctors are saying that not enough is done to explore the psychology of this.
@@cmmndrblu I appreciate the respectful and sincere tone in your comment. But personally, I'm not particularly interested in the etiology of my gender dysphoria, or giving those possibilities massive practical significance. Yes, there are female-assigned people who understand their dysphoria with reference to patriarchy and/or trauma, who often also question common narratives of transness or gender identity as innate. Many of them also believe that in most cases, there is no "off-switch" for gender dysphoria. It's more like managing a chronic condition. That's a valuable skillset-- but I think it reflects that "understanding the real causes" only goes so far. You still have to figure out how to live-- and for many people, that means transition of some kind. It isn't always effective but it helps a lot of people. Edit: To be clear, the psychiatrist in this case gave bad advice. There is no real reason to recommend a difficult and costly process to someone who's content with their current situation. There are also many ways to express masculine parts of your internal self without transitioning, such as wearing masculine clothing or roleplaying male characters.
I've really been struggling the past couple months, going back and forth in my mind about whether or not I'm non-binary. I am comfortable going by any pronoun, do not have dysphoria, and still want to go with a feminine-esque presentation. Literally nothing about me has changed, so it is weird for me to think of myself as nb at all. Yet as a child I always felt upset when people told me I was a girl (it didn't feel right), and I cringe every time someone types me. I don't feel like a woman, and I don't feel like a man. I just feel like a person. I appreciate that you added in at the end that I don't have to change my looks because a lot of people seem to have the opinion that my not being a woman is rather vacuous if I do not change my names, pronouns, or the way that I dress. I like my name and my clothes, and the way I go about things. I'm comfortable with myself. Thanks again.
I feel quite similarly. I'm just a person. I said out loud to myself "I'm a woman" "I'm a man" "I'm non-binary", just to see how each one feels. But I just feel like "I'm a person" or "I'm a human"
I feel ño gender most my life. Im comfortable with being non binary person. Im a proud🏳️🌈 black person born 🚺. So happy when there was name 4 how i felt my whole life 👍🏾
I am non-binary in the sense of somewhere between male and female. I am trans, constantly experience very strong physical dysphoria and some social dysphoria too, have been on HRT for 6 ½ years, but also can’t simply see myself completely in the sex opposite to that in which I was born. That’s why it’s been so hard to assign a simple label to my situation. Non-binary seems vague enough for me so I am adopting the concept. P.S. I thought about this a lot since I made a comment in one of your videos a few weeks ago. It helped me gear towards this resolution. I had used “gender fluid” in the past but that wasn’t quite right either (I’ve known I’m trans since I was a small child). My experience and understanding of my gender is quite constant, but in a less defined grey area. Thanks for sparking some of these thoughts in my mind lately. My wife was quite happy when I told her I’m non-binary after all - she says this is much more like me and that she sees me becoming happier with this understanding.
I feel like not being comfortable in a strict gender role doesn’t mean you’re necessarily nonbinary. People regardless of gender can feel uncomfortable being restricted and oppressed like a woman, or emotionally stoic as a man.
True, gender nonconforming does not automatically mean nonbinary. But there are also nonbinary people, nonetheless. It's more than just social expectations.
@@ichthanthrope I am trying to understand, but I'm still lost. If gender isn't performative, and gender isn't physical, then how do I know if I'm a man, woman, or neither? I feel it's insulting to me to suggest that the soul or personality that resides in my physical body is limited to a gender. Why can't I just be a soul in a male or female body?
@@RoseTuneTaylor This is an entirely valid way to view gender. Just know that there are people out there who would disagree with you as they have very strong personal connections to gender. I don't think any of them would dismiss your idea as false, however. There is even a word in the community for it: agender. Meaning having little to no "spiritual" (cant think of a better word right now) connection to gender. EDIT: to properly answer your question: you can, if you'd like.
You're right-- but to be clear, are you giving Luxander that advice? Because I don't think it's appropriate in this case. As they mentioned, they have explored being a non-conforming man or non-conforming woman, but continued to experience dysphoria when addressed as male or female. I'm not sure what someone in their situation could gain from advice that they've already acted on, when they're more comfortable as non-binary.
@@RoseTuneTaylor well I'd say that gender IS a performative societal construct. Cuz material world things are simply material world things, they only become special when you give them specific sence. So perfomances are merely a small reflection of this unique sence. Cuz perfomances are limited unlike sences. You need to simply understand empirically your sense of self. And then, you need to go and find a societal construct for that to grip on. I'm a really asocial person and I talked to almost nobody through my teenage years. Yet I've always had a sense of self. In my 20's however I started to adapt into society and that felt like hell. I felt like an alien, like I understand nothing and don't belong anywhere. Yet somehow I found enby community and searched for terms. "Agender" just clicked. I know exactly what it means cuz I felt that on my skin. And know I can perform things with my sence to feel sane. And so that's how I found my gender - my costume in society. I've always knew WHO I am but I needed no word for this when I was alone. Only when I had to compare myself to other people and understand if I'm broken or not. All of this terms including man and woman stand on gut feelings. And when this internal feelings click with external expressions - that's how you know your gender.
This is so interesting and well explained, im a cis bi girl and i love how others have such different experiences and its so wierd but i feel even more of a woman after you talking about the opposite, Thats the great part of discovering yourself
As someone who's been questioning as to whether he was non-binary or not, this video has helped me a lot in figuring out that I'm not. All the best to you and your journey.
Honestly only recently started taking a look into like.. what my gender is. I'm AFAB, but I've never felt like... connected with like the female kinda... image? I guess? It never felt like it 100% fit me. I had this debate like.. two years ago with myself, since I just sat down and was like "y'know... this really doesn't feel very cash money." I really didn't feel entirely right referring to myself as a female, as a woman. (Honestly even saying woman feels so weird??? I don't even know lmao) I ended up just pushing it away since school was happening, and shit was just going on, and I just kinda... pushed it so far to the side that I really just forgot about that sit-down. So, here I am, again... kinda like. Having this debate on a larger scale. It still feels weird to call myself a woman, and the word feels weird in general still, and before this the reawakened debate I just actively avoided it. I'd deflect any questions about my gender in voice chats, (I don't need to IRL, since like. Long hair, very... pronounced... mid area... people just kind of assume that on their own lol) and just like. Continue onward. Honestly I feel better in a way being called he/him lol. I dunno why. I don't think I'd be comfortable living with like.. the parts they have (this is so awkward to try and write omg), but in the same breath I don't feel 100% good with the ones upstairs, either. I'd rather just like... not. Or just have them be really small and unnoticeable since that would feel better. But ya, I dunno what the point of this story was... I'm just kinda going by nonbinary at this point. It feels right. I still feel kinda weird sometimes since my hair goes down to like the bottom of my spine and then feels just like... *uhhhhh???* If that makes sense...? And the whole... upstairs thing. I wanna try and get a binder, and see how that feels soon.
Wow so relatable for me XD It's like, when people categorize me as a woman, my reaction is like, "uhh, yeah, SUUURE....if you say so" while scooting away and then I feel like a poor imposter pretending to fit in with the ladies. And it feels soooo good when someone says something about how they don't see me as a girl. I had my screenwriting teacher say I write like a man, haha, that was amazing. In groups of women I don't feel like I fit in or relate to them very well. Subconsciously I just don't seem to have ever believed I was female and it can be very disorienting to be assumed to be one.
The idea that different hormone levels at different stages of foetal development might be related to trans identities is one I had not previously come across. It's interesting.
how I see gender: using a math metaphor, male/female are 2 points on a line. non-binary is a three dimensional spectrum of all, none or some of the male/female points that may ebb and flow between, on and off of that line. oh, and as usual you've given us a thoughtful, scientific and empathetic view into the human experience. Your work is excellent, thank-you.
I am openly non-binary for just some over a month now. Thankfully, I have a very tiny but very understanding social group. But there was this one question, I was struggling with, one question that stresses me ever since it as asked. „Why after 44 years of living like a man? Why now?“ My answer to this is and was, that I only now have the vocabulary, the understanding to see, what was „wrong“ with me my whole life. And that isn‘t the problem - it is rather the echo that remains in my head. Why now? I have this irrational fear that a trans person (and I also consider myself to be non-binary trans) comes to me, looks at me and says: „Yeah right! You only think to be non-binary but lived as a male your whole life without completely breaking apart“, or whatever some „real“ non-binary person could say to me. I have the same stupid feeling towards my art as an artist… there it is called the „imposter syndrome“ and I feel that this right now is somewhat the same thing. And this is driving me nuts. It is driving me nuts, that I can‘t show anybody, that i am not conform with the two „traditional“ gender roles… I can just say, that I just know it to be true, good, real… me!
I really appreciate that you put up this video. I'm a huge supporter of the community but unfortunately am some what ignorant as I don't know anyone in the community, been a single mom most of my adult life and don't get out much. Lol. The one time I met someone non binary was at work. They where a new employee and I was informed of the proper pronoun to use by management. Of course I was curious and had many questions. I asked them if they where comfortable explaining things to me so I would better understand. I think I offended them as they only worked with us for 2 weeks and they never talked to me again. I felt awful about it. I've been scared to reach out to the community to get informed because I really don't want to offended anyone. You are awesome and I greatly appreciate the information you provided.
Good on you for trying to learn at least :) of course there's no way for me to tell whether that coworker was offended or not, but I think it could be that they simply didn't have the energy to explain, or they were nervous about it. I'm sure they've received disingenuous questions before that were just a cover for harassment. So perhaps in that case they simply wanted to avoid potential trouble, and it wasn't a reflection on how you asked them. In the end it's great that you're still trying to learn!
Thank you for making this, I'm a cis gay male, but I care about and support nonbinary fellow members of the community, and even though at times it can be hard I wanted to understand
Another good video, can I ask how do you feel about someone using dude when they talk to you? I understand it is/can be a masculine pronoun but I know a few people who use it in the same way that a British or Australian person might say mate. I understand your preferred pronouns or they/them but do you feel there's a difference at all or not. Much love as always.
Sometimes I have thoughts I don't endorse, don't agree with, but can't shake them by thinking about it and moving on; the thought keeps coming back. I often describe this by talking about my brain in the third person. This includes plenty of biases, that intellectually I fully reject. It was so much easier for my brain to deal with gender issues when the -- admittedly less affirming -- terminology was "prefered pronouns" and the like. My brain didn't have any objections to someone preferring something; how could it possibly disagree? But once the language changed to "this person's pronouns *are* ..." -- my brain relentlessly asks "what does that *mean*?" So thank you for this excellent video. I had long ago rejected gender norms, so didn't quite understand what non-binary-ness had to offer that saying "f%*# gender norms" didn't. I really like this explanation, but I'm guessing it's only a partial answer. CN: This next part is something my brain still won't let me drop, and it may feel bad for non-binary and trans people to read. I would love so much if someone could answer this in a way that lets me shut my stupid brain up about this. If gender means anything other than pure preference, then isn't it likely or at least possible for someone to have a preference that doesn't line up -- that is, for someone to want to be of a certain gender, yet not be? If it is pure preference, then while I would still go ahead and respect that preference in how I talk about them, in what way would my transphobic dad be wrong when he's dismissive? He'd still be an ass about it -- it's why he didn't get to meet my last partner who is non-binary -- but in what way would he be philosophically wrong in his dismissiveness? See, I'm sure this is a false dichotomy, but they're the only two options my brain has accepted so far: either it's a real neurological thing or it's playing semantics. If it's semantics, can I believe that and still be supportive to all the enby people in my life? Do I just have to never tell them this is what I think? If it's more than semantics, how can that possibly mean that every person who tells me they are trans and/or enby is absolutely correct? There's no consensus on what these things mean, so how would no one ever mistakenly take up the identity -- like you mentioned, you tried filling the binary roles before you knew what non-binary was. I've been reading and watching so, so, so much on this topic over the last few years, and I haven't found much in the way of answers that get my brain to shut up. I'm sorry if knowing that people like me exist adds to the hurt anyone reading this experiences, I've just struggled so much with this and don't know where to go for answers.
That's what i've been wondering too. Wouldn't it be the same like treating someone with a religion in a respectful manner, not bashing on their believes because of decency, even if a part of you is sceptical about the semantics/absolute correctness part? Would that be ok or still dishonest?
hey y'all, I know this is old, but I see no one really answered. it would be interesting to know if your views have changed, but I'll address whats here. first, I have somewhat recently accepted that I am queer. I am not cis, and I have started identifying as non binary. I currently use my last name (Lake) and they/them pronouns. I appreciate the content note, but I'm glad I read further. To consider what it means if gender is or is not simply preference is valid; I have when I began questioning. On your question of if your father's dismissiveness is 'philosophically' wrong if gender were simply a preference, I think still yes. We should respect other people and their preferences regarding their expression. On the question of if you believe it to be semantics what does that mean for your relationship/interaction with the various enbys in your life, I don't think it has to be a big deal. I think perception is a weird thing and I have had a personal struggle of, having grown up with cis normativity, having a hard time perceiving various enbys as masc or femme without it relating them to a certain gender. This does not mean that there isn't an enormous amount of respect, and speaking for myself I care about your outward actions and the way you refer to me a lot more than I care about your internal pondering (not that I wouldn't try my best to answer any questions you may have). I don't think it is just semantics though; I think it is a matter of realizing your gender, not of preferring to be one. So this would mean that it is in fact possible to identify as a gender and later realize that it isn't quite right. This does happen to some. How you were socialized as a child can really affect your comfort level with trying out certain things and it can take a long time for someone to find the language that matches them. The thing is that when someone tells you their identity they probably put a lot of thought into it, and while in the long run they may end up using a different label, that was the closest they had at the time and is what felt most right. It does you no harm to respect that and refer to them accordingly unless/until they tell you a new label, even if it is difficult to fully understand it. Sorry it was so long, hope it is helpful to anyone who does read it.
Hey, Lake. Thanks for the reply -- this is something I'm still thinking about, so any thoughts or insights are welcome! You said it'd be interesting to know if my thoughts have changed. There's one piece of information I've learned that's shifted the directions of my thoughts quite a bit, though I haven't exactly landed on anything that feels like a complete answer. From psychologist Scott Alexander's blog, I learned a lot about some phenomena that heavily shook my understanding of body-related dysphoria, and I assume a lot of the things that are confusing to me right now are real in similar ways, but not well enough understood scientifically to let my brain rest completely. Basically, there seems to be a mapping of the body in the brain that isn't based on the body itself -- it just grows in your brain according to the plans, and sometimes the body and the brain disagree, and this is a really, really big deal. For example, someone born with an arm that didn't develop normally, might still have a brain mapping that expects a fully functioning arm. When someone like this gets their arm amputated for whatever medical reason, if they have a phantom limb, it will not be like their old arm; it'll be a fully formed "normal" phantom arm. The really, really salient thing I learned about all of this was in the opposite direction -- some people's brains don't think they have an arm, even though their arm developed normally. These people are often so distressed by this arm that doesn't feel like it should be there, that they want it removed. The shocking -- to me, at least -- thing is, they will sometimes amputate their own arm, and then -- they will be happier the rest of their lives, and not regret the decision. That living without one arm is less distressing and less difficult than having a mismatch between brain-expectation and body-experience made me 100% on a gut level (what I'd been hoping for) accept that trans people's experiences are describing something really really real. This extreme dysphoria isn't necessarily the same thing that's happening with non-binary gender, but I'm so sure that it is a neurologically distinct thing than my experience, that it does let my brain step back and accept that it just doesn't understand the details, and accept that likely no-one going through it exactly understands the neuron-level explanation, and that's perfectly okay (just like the people with brain-mapping/body issues don't experience their situation any less just because they don't know what exactly happened to make their brains that way). It feels a little weird still, because it's not exactly appropriate to tell someone all of that just to say "I accept you." And this was a short version of all the related concepts I've studied. So I still have some anxiety that if pressed, I might not interpret someone's experience the same way they would, and that they may see that as an unacceptable way for me to see things.
@@anthonywestbrook2155 wow, that is some really cool info. I think the key is letting people know that you are trying to get it and that you will do your best to support them in the way they ask. You sound very thoughtful so I think people will recognize that there's good intent.
Luxander, I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate your videos, and I'm so glad that Mr. Atheist introduced me to your channel. As a middle aged straight cis male, it's often hard to keep up with the evolving terms, what the different pronouns are and what they mean to different people, how gender fluidity works, and what is proper etiquette when interacting with transgender or nonbinary people, and it was embarrassing that I hadn't educated myself, especially since I consider myself a strong LGBTQA+ ally and supporter. Keep it up, I love the vids!
Have you done a video on gender-fluidity? One of my favorite characters (Alex from the Magnus Chase series) is transgender and gender-fluid, but I haven’t a clue what that means. I find your videos very enlightening, and hope that if you haven’t done a video on this concept that you might in the future!
Your channel is helping me to understand the non-binary community much better, thank you for that. I like that you explained it on a biological level, I just find it frustrating that people need to understand things from a biological level for them to have validity. I am a psychology student so maybe I am biased, but we spend a lot of time seeking and creating evidence, usually based on thoughts, feelings and behaviours. From a social constructivist level I think that it doesn't matter if something is biological, it is a social reality that exists in the confines of society. We all have a relationship with our own gender identity (including non-binary) that plays a big part in our life even though gender norms etc are a social construct. I get really frustrated how people are unbothered about biology or what is natural etc. until they meet a gay person/trans person - we have created a society that is so far removed from our 'natural' environment that it is kind of a moot point. Sorry for the rant!
I feel that way because I was questioning and processing my gender. I have been in touch with my feminine side since childhood to now. I did wear women’s wig and lipstick in childhood. I did wear skinny jeans like glam rock and metal jeans since teenage years. I did wear women’s clothes, makeup, nail polish, and eyeliner since now. I did show my androgynous and feminine.
Your video is tremendously helpful thank you. I work in healthcare and want to do anything I can to make people feel safe and to feel respected. I'm in my 60's committed to having a loving and open heart and mind. I understand having lived as a cis-female straddling the women's movement, that societal roles based on gender while useful in places are moreover disturbingly oppressive; limited to placing people in small, prescribed containers where we don't neatly fit. So much suffering ensues. I believe this movement a revolution long overdue and I admire your courage and patience as we all grow towards a fuller existence. Peace and blessing all around.
This helped me a lot. I'm recently transitioning to IDK and I'm afraid of being like stealing a place in non-cis community. I'm also bipolar so medical people thinks it's all the bipolar and they dismiss me on that one. I have no body disphoria so even I don't believe myself but I experience all the things you said about social disphoria, I have tons of it. I have a lot of anxiety and I hate people treating me in any gender-way, so I tend to be very androgynous just so people can't know for sure... I don't even go out my house almost never these days... My friends knows it so they're ok by me... The sole thing of them knowing and accepting me as I am already brings me confort. Anyway helped me think, thank you for your vídeo!
This really helped with my understanding of non binary. I still have questions and a lot to learn but this video was a good stepping stone. thanks for informing me about this video.
I’m not sure if you’re aware, but your video is linked in a piece on The Federalist, discrediting and insulting non-binary individuals among other terrible things. The man who wrote this is my biological father and I detest everything he stands for. He claims to have a lot of knowledge about raising a family as well as LGBTQ issues. But growing up he was abusive mentally and physically, and today he’s refused any type kind of relationship with any of his five children. I’m sorry for the hurt he continually puts out into the world, and that you have to suffer that, no matter how small it may feel. You’re not alone. You are loved and you are validated. And I can assure you, people like my dad only speak like that because he’s insecure and unhappy, so he must make as many people feel the same way.
SO i watched an old video of yours where the comments were turned off (probably from people being hateful) but i am really just wanting to tell you thank you. You really gave some clarity to something I didn't have much perspective on. Thank you for helping me walk a mile in your shoes and thank you for helping me be a better ally. 🖤
Thank you for this video. I recently realized that I am non binary. It didn't occur to me that I was allowed to think of myself as anything other than male or female, but neither ever fit. If dressed in feminine clothing, it felt like I was wearing a necessary costume that I didn't like, but I did it anyways because it was expected of me. My mom would have my sister restrain me, while she would force a dress over my head. I was kicking and screaming and crying the whole time. I was about 5 years old and I didn't mind wearing clothing. I just didn't want it to be a dress. I had a husband who told me that a husband has a right to see his wife in feminine, form fitting clothing. I am more masculine than feminine, but I don't identify as either.
I'm one of those people that feels most comfortable being the way I was raised, despite knowing that I'm nonbinary. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I appreciate your video. It helps me feel valid when the rest of the world does not.
I think I finally understand why non-binary people would also identify as trans. I had so far seen it more logical that trans people and non-binary people would fall in different categories, understanding "trans" as someone who is dysphoric about the gender assigned at birth and wanting to transition to the opposite, thinking this doesn't fit non-binary people because you cannot really be assigned non-binary at birth. But from what you said now I rather see it as trans meaning being dysphoric by birth basically. So it is the distress about the misgendering that is shared by both binary and non-binary trans people, it just operates in different dimensions kinda. Thank you, I feel better now that I don't agree with Blaire White :)
Moreover, people can (rarely) be born non binary! It’s called intersex, and it’s between the sexes. But non binary is a large umbrella, and outside the male/female also exist!
Beautifully put ... I didn't have the language to articulate that my body and identity were incongruent.. I didn't think my body was an issue, because prior to estrogen therapy, I was a stone. I experienced zero feelings.. I had no Dysphoria, social or bodily.. because my numbness and dissociations and migraines coming from them led me to believe that I had a problem as a cis guy . .. but once I took estrogen therapy, I was disconnected from my body altogether.. I couldn't cognizantly experience my assigned embodiment, because I essentially couldn't feel. I didn't know I was coded as a man because of my body. I was wildly cognitively and emotionally absent, because I couldn't really experience my body. I had a body absence In a sense. I thought that I was just like any other guys who couldn't experience emotions.. my inability to experience vitality and euphoria contributed to my inability to recognize my body. I'm realizing cis dyad men are not experiencing bodily absence.
Wow this video is very thorough! Thank you so much! This is a really good resource. I'm glad you included the fact that some people don't change their appearance and that some people have what seems to be a very binary transition. I fall into the latter and a lot of people still ask me "so, you want to be a man?" and it makes me feel so awkward.
Ok, now we're getting somewhere, I can accept and respect a person when they give me a nice explanation of what it's all about, like they did here in this video. It has already started to annoy me when I ask someone what it is about, what is their deal if they are non-binary, and in return I usually get the answer that I am intolerant, ignorant, disrespecting them, etc. I'm none of the above, on the contrary, I just wanted to understand what it was specifically about. And here's how someone can explain nicely, without being offended by that question, and for everything to be ok. Respect.
I think the best thing you can do is provide a safe environment at home where they feel like they can explore different ways of expression. Shield them from family members who are not accepting, you can work with those family members to try to bring them around, but don't expose the kid to people who are going to make unwelcome comments, and don't tell your kid what those people say. For example, if they ask why they haven't seen Auntie in a while, keep it generic with something like, "It's taking Auntie a while to come around about [your pronouns, your gender] and it's important to me that you not deal with that on top of everything else." If they want to come out at school, you may get in touch with a school counselor or directly with their teachers to identify other adult allies and make sure they have a support system, someone to go to if there are issues with fellow students. This one will feel like a big step, but bear with me: Make sure the kid understands fully what's coming with puberty, and be prepared to talk about puberty blockers with them and their doctors. There seem to be very few long-term effects from being on puberty blockers--so long as they do initiate some kind of puberty (either naturally or with intervention) by the time they're 15-16 (going many years without active sex hormones can cause osteoporosis, but 2-4 years shouldn't be long enough to cause harm, I'm not a doctor though). All you're doing with blockers is providing extra time for them to determine what they want for their body, and the reason this is so important is that some effects of puberty are either impossible or extremely expensive to reverse later in life, and some of these effects can cause drastic mental and emotional stress. I'm not a parent myself, but I hope to be one day, and I think the biggest parts of the job are making sure children can be children, can develop along with their peers, and don't experience avoidable stress or trauma. It's a big job, and you're already on the right track with pronouns and seeking out resources. The world is not always welcoming to trans folks, particularly nonbinary folks, so the best thing you can do is try to provide a 100% positive, celebratory environment where you can control it. Encourage them to try new things (names, clothes, pronouns) and protect them from negativity wherever it may come from. Sorry for the long reply, there are lots of components to this and I might have to make a video :p As an adult enby, I thank you for giving your kid the chance to be themself at such a young age. Even if they decide on a different identity label later, I'm sure they will thank you as well =]
I'm so thankful for you having made this video. While I obviously accepted non-binary people as valid and understood (on a theoretical basis at least) what it means. But to actually hear the experience of someone like you and the explanation on an actual practical basis is really helpful to understand it properly.
I recently started exploring my gender identity and I'm kind of thinking I may be a trans man. I'm AFAB and they/them feels okay, but if anyone were to call me he/him the euphoria would be amazing. I'm terrified of transition, though, so I don't know. I may just be a trans man that never transitions. My features are all very feminine. I'm a "pretty" AFAB (although I hate the word.) So I feel like what's the point. :(
I feel your struggle... I'm trans too. I think that I am a trans man, although it is possible that I could be nonbinary. My social and physical dysphoria is really bad, but I have not been able to transition because my family would disown me. Btw, I've heard the "but you're so pretty?! Why would you transition?" as well. It doesn't matter how you look. The point is that you're not a woman, and you should be able to appear in a way you feel comfortable and not be guilted into not transitioning because someone think you would "look better" as the gender you were assigned. Just hang in there buddy :)
@@xz740 My psych and I have been discussing this for about a year or so now, so thanks for the concern, I guess? There's no hype for me. I've already had one surgery for my chest. I'm also in my 30's; I'm not a vulnerable teenager. I've been suicidal and had an eating disorder for most of my 20's. I grew up thinking hating your body and hating being a girl was a normal part of being AFAB. According to my psych and most people it is most definitely not. I have a child, and part of the reason transition scares me is how it will affect him.
I have used the crude comparison (for people with no exposure to the issues) that being nonbinary is to persons brain what being a intersex is for ones biology. It is not just one thing but compilation of thing with relation to a brain and how it is wired up.
@@xz740 Firstly you kinda missed the qualifier "crude" explaining that this is no super scientific explanation but a crude simplification of the issue. Secondly, there actually is no need to have scan of "nonbinary" brain. I would argue it probably is impossible to have firstly because brains are not static organ but are molded by life experiences and because being nonbinary is no single definable one thing to scan for. You know, the reason i made the comparison to being a intersex, because it too is expressed by variety of ways and not just by on single thing. So the expectation of there being some spesific thing to scan for is missing the point of comparison. Thirdly the sense i claim that it is in the brain is the way that everyone has their own natural sense of gender. Forcing people to act and represent themself outside their natural sense of gender causes demonstrable harm (gender dysphoria) and so those whose natural innate wired on the brain sense of gender is far enough from the binary can be but on the umbrella term of being a nonbinary. Lastly, on what sense is this a "ideology"? If it is just a ideology why is it actually diagnosable condission and for some reason all the relevant experts on the relevant fields DO accept nonbinary people existing and that the best thing for their health and wellbeing is them being accepted as they are and have possibility to access relevant medical transition if need be. I could accept the claim of ideology if there would not be even way to diagnose us but i really cant accept that the actual experts are in on some ideological conspiracy?
@@xz740 Firstly actually i do not need solid facts for i am not making some super scientific case but just expressing crudely a way to understand this issue. The experts on the relevant fields have done the solid facts thing so if you have problem with them you should take this to them. Secondly the comparison is valid on the basis that being a nonbinary is not a single spesific thing same as being a intersex. I claimed nothing more so rest is just strawmanning. Thirdly being intersex actually is also about expression. Some intersex people also have an gender identity of a intersex person but not all and express it varying on personal basis. Frouthly I dont get what you mean by there being nothing on dms about being forced to act in particular way. It is one reason people get gender dysforia because they are forced to express their gender against their innate sense on gender? Fifhtly, where do you thing sense of gender is situated on person? On genitals? It is on the brain mate. Even if it has not been spesified it happens on the braind and is beyond persons choosing. There not being a gender tissue is jsut a massive strawman. If it is not scientifically based then why do medical experts aknowledge us and take our needs seriously? Just for being nice? If there was no medical scientific basis for this they would treat it as a delusion but it would seem that there are some basis on taking it actually seriously? Lastly you are actually totally wrong on the claim that they diagnose the gender dysforia. The gender dysforia is what they treat, being a transgender or nonbinary is the thing they diagnose. (And based on the persons individual way of being a trans/nonbinary limits what treatments are available for them.) Do you want to know how i know this? Because i have been diagnosed myself :) Diagnosis was straighly and only about me being a nonbinary and need for leviation to gender dysphoria was secondary and totally optional. There is also medical condisions preventing people for taking needed medical transition what in your wiev would make them not trans or not nonbinary. And make it so that in rural areas of africa or cyberia there are magically no trans&nonbinary people because there are no possibility of medical transition. I would claim that there are same amout of us even if they have no access to medical transition.
I was confused about this, so thank you for explaining in such a detailed way. :) The way I understand your explanation, it basically comes down to your "gut reaction" to when people call you a gendered pronoun. I was confused before because I don't think anyone fits into the "binary traits" that society has put as norms for how men and women are. For example, I have a lot of traits that society might describe as "feminine", so I didn't feel like I fit "neatly" into the societal definition of a "man". However, I am 6"4, bearded and balding, so people who don't _know_ my more "feminine" traits would definitely be comfortable calling me "sir" or "he/him". And I (importantly) would be fine/happy with that, I might not like it if people call me "ma'am" or "she/her" or "they/ them", so I guess I identify as a man despite having many traits you could describe as feminine. Thank you again, this was really helpful in getting me to understand the NB experience. :)
I am a gay man and have heard many of the terms you mentioned in your video over the past couple of years but have never been able to make sense until now. Hearing you explain some of these labels from your perspective is very helpful. Thanks for taking the time to do these videos!
Thank you so much! I’m doing my best to understand nonbinary people and your clear, concise and easygoing explanations were very helpful. I still have questions but the important thing is that I know your experience is real and you deserve a full place in society. The only thing I have trouble understanding are those who identify as nonbinary and retain everything else from their previous male or female identity. I want to be empathetic and give people freedom to explore themselves but I also feel that when it comes to things like bathrooms, the legal system, prisons, sports etc, nonbinary needs to have clear signifiers, definition, and be significant in how it differs from binary gender expression and experience. I fear that some people adopt a nonbinary label for social status or misdiagnose their desire for validation as dysphoria, or because they want to build a genderless future, and these people can inadvertently damage the project of nonbinary social integration and the conversation around it. I want to be kind and understanding, but making affirmation the unquestionable norm leaves the transgender label and medicine open to abuse and sets people like you back in becoming fully accepted in society. Please be kind in any replies, I’m doing my best to be kind and just trying to understand. I’m anything but a bigot and shutting down conversations doesn’t help anybody.
Thank you for this video! I'm doing a paper on male/female contraceptive pills and I wanted to include how gendered name pill could affect non-binary people. Yet, I couldn't properly grasp what non-binary entailed, you really helped develop my argumentation!
thats really cool! i do feel it not only affects nonbinary people, but also binary trans people too. calling periods something that only women get excludes women who dont menstruate, whether cis or trans, or men and non-binary people who menstruate
I'm trans with a non-conforming look, and while I'm not super on board with the binary, I could never see myself as non-binary. After watching my video, it's reaffirmed for me that there's not a whole lot to it and how you feel is just how you feel. I think it's a lot easier to be kind and accepting to those who have different experiences rather than try to interrogate and dissect them. You tend to learn more about people when they're comfortable around you.
I always struggle with talking about you/your videos with my family cause I’m Austrian so we speak German. There aren’t really neutral pronouns implemented here but I use xier (a mix of x as a placeholder, sie (female pronouns) and er (male pronouns)) and I hope that’s okay...? Also, I have a hard time with getting constant questions thrown at me. Especially stuff like “what does it mean to be a woman” or “what does it mean to be a man”. And it makes me so uncomfortable... I just never know what to say. Any tips on how to handle situations like that?
"I don't know, this is what it means to be me" then stick your tongue out, do something silly. Or do something serious, depending on what it means to be you at that moment. Remember Contras joke "people ask me do you feel like a man or a women, and the answer is I feel like shit". But if they are a bit open minded, getting them to laugh or be surprised then throwing back the question "what does it mean to be man/women for you" can get you into a nice philosophical exploration rather than the previous interrogation.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's so helpful. I have a young person in my life who recently came out as non-binary. I actually passed this on to them, because I thought they might find it helpful. It has certainly increased my understanding. 😀
I've been out as non-binary for 5 years now, but I'm still confused on the relationship between the opposing schools of thought that say gender is either biologically influenced or socially constructed. What are your thoughts on this? Great video, btw!
Thank you for making this video. I have been very confused as to what nonbinary means and I think you explained it in terms anyone can understand. I am looking to understand so I can be respectful.
Thank you for this video, I'm currently trying to figure out if I'm nonbinary or if I'm GNC... it's still very confusing for me because I've been thinking back and remembering that as a child I did "want" to have a vulva (but I'm unsure if that was a result of being sexually abused as a child), and now I'm remembering that I always hated how big my body was developing because I wanted to be smaller, and "daintier" and feminine... I guess growing up I just accepted that I was a "boy" because that's what I was labeled by people and I never really felt the need to protest that (nor would I have felt comfortable doing so because my family is religious af) but now I'm also realizing that I do wish that people in the real world would perceive me and treat me more like a woman? Sorry to unload all of this here, I think I just realized I'm nonbinary haha, I still have a lot more self discovery to go through but at least I'm taking steps in the right direction.
I just wanted to say thank you; I'm still trying to figure myself out, and your channel has been super useful for me, and for other people who are also struggling with their gender I'm sure :3 keep up the good work, Lux ^-^
This video is really interesting and whilst it has clarified some parts, I still have some confusion about non-binery people. I think the part that confuses me most is, because it is such a broad term with such scope for variability, there is no "base level" to assess and build upon information from. I think with other lGBT+ communities, it is a bit easier to know what is ok or not, or at least easier to find out? As a cishet person, I find it really difficult to comprehend what exactly goes through the minds and feelings of non-bindery folks. I think I get the disconnection, The sadness and that everyone experiences and expresses it in different ways. I just find trying to understand the full range of expression without a clear "it's like this" explaination is hard to grasp fully....doesn't stop me trying though. I'm really sorry if my comment upsets anyone, this is really not my intent. I know it's not an easy subject to discuss or to clarify so thank you for helping me to understand more.
I can try to explain but idk if I can do it gracefully haha.🤗 So the first thing to talk about if trying to understand non-binary identities is what gender is. First of all, we can agree that gender and biological sex are two different things. Someone assigned male at birth can be something else than a man (like a woman or a non-binary person). That would make them trans. (That’s when your gender identity is different than what you’re assigned at birth). Gender is about how you see yourself, how others see you and the role you occupy socially. Gender is more complex than what we’re taught, but it’s not very complicated, it’s just different than genitals and it’s not black and white. For me, I just know I’m non-binary. I was assigned female at birth and always tried my best to be myself as a female, but it isn’t possible. I could never be myself until I stopped thinking of myself as a woman, and then it just made sense. And man didn’t fit me either. It was that simple for me but everyone experiences gender differently. Idk if that cleared up anything, you could look into gender studies and stuff to better understand maybe 😄
Haha yeah the difficult thing is that the whole point of nonbinary as a term is that it's very widely encompassing. I think what you might have to get used to is that with trans people in general, it's best to just ask each person how they would like to be referred to. It's like asking someone whether they have a preferred nickname. I think one of the great things about trans people becoming more accepted is that it normalizes paying more attention to each person's individual needs, even regardless of whether they're trans.
Do you think that there is a line when one exits the sides of a binary gender and enters the sea of non-binary? Or something you would call the beaches? I don't want to believe that I am just looking to be special or something, but I have really been drawn to the topics of gender recently, mostly more recently been comfortable with things like transgender, which I was thinking was coming from insecurities of my own gender, and yet I was still curious on the subject before that. As a kid thinking it unfair that girls can wear pants and dresses, while boys can't, and being picked on for femininity, which things like my long nails probably did not help. I was really curious about the subject of dysphoria for explaining why people transition, and there have been times where I kind of thought things could be better if I was a girl. A female me, that I mostly only just found ways to connect with as a part I always kept locked up from social pressures. And while only through thought experiments, think that as much as I understand the concept, I don't think that I would feel dysphoria if my body suddenly changed. I am comfortable presenting the gender that I was born with, I just don't think it is a complete and accurate picture.
@@jlake2247 Well, I do identify as non-binary, I have become more confident to see myself as such, and had some small movements in embracing it, although a lot has been reassessing how my gender feels, and what non-binary means to me. I do think that if you are leaning into what I might have described as the beach of binary gender into non-binary, it is well worth exploring that side. But I also think that it is no good trying to define being non-binary from how it is to another person, there is a very large variance of how people can express or experience being non-binary, and while I might androgyny, I don't have to fit some other person's idea of it.
@@DuskyPredator thats pretty cool, I've recently found the label and don't really know where I fit under it, but I've started thinking that maybe I don't need a micro label to just be me. congrats on the growing confidence!
I dunno, I'm nonbinary and I've always thought of gender as floating around in a lake. But like a colorful one or something. It's kinda hard to really put my experience into words bc I identify as agender, so I don't even feel like I have one in the first place. But gender still feels like something that matters to me, so it's confusing. That's why I picture it as a lake, bc it's always moving and it's very fluid. I feel that maybe there are shorelines when it comes to strictly male or female, but there's always change that comes with that too.
I'm exploring and/or questioning my gender, so I've just settled on non-binary if that makes any sense? I'm not out, but I'm wondering if I should be because the more I realize I'm enby, the more it feels like I need to address these things more. It's not so much that being AFAB and people calling me a "woman" bother me as much because I've been used to it, but I know personally that I'm not a woman. I've never known what it's like to be a woman. I never known what it's like to be a man either. Also character selections are the hardest thing in the world, like can't I have the best of male and female sex? Like the broad shoulders and the big hips? lol Maybe I'm a bit fluid in my gender, that's why I've not been sure about HRT. I've been dysphoric from the thought of pregnancy, and maybe my ex is to blame a little bit, but I known I was dysphoric about that before him. It's hard bringing about these gender-like feelings to my mom when coming out of an abusive relationship and it's been almost a year, she keeps thinking it's something he's done to me. I know that he did affect my life a great deal, but I've always felt "like a guy" I guess is the best way to describe it. When I wear makeup and stuff like that, I feel like it's something that a woman should wear, not me. I do enjoy it from time to time, but I feel like I'm wearing it as some sort of drag/preformance rather than it being something that should look natural to me. I hope that's not offensive or anything, it's just what I feel. I know that you can't provide this perspective, but how can you be non-binary and christian? I'm a christian but I've just never agreed with gender roles, or don't really understand why we have them. Maybe I'm rambling a bit, but I think everyone should be able to have Jesus, no matter what gender or sexuality they are.
That bit at the end is reassuring. I'm AFAB, and started identifying as enby a couple years ago. But because I don't make much ado abt it, sometimes it feels like I'm a faker. Being refered to as "Ms" makes me uncomfortable, but I still love my dresses and skirts, and I'm painfully aware how feminine my body and features are, even as I mostly like them (still working on getting a half decent binder; my father refused me when I asked for one, but at this point it's either that or taking a knife to my chest and cutting off my breast). It's confusing. But like you said, just admiting to oneself what we are provides some relief. It doesn't help that in Portugal there is NO choice of neutral pronouns, even objects have an assigned gender ("fork" is male, and "knife" is female, just because; and even as they ARE neutral words in meaning, "individual" uses masculine pronouns, and "person" uses feminine pronouns), and plurals too. The default "neutral" when speaking to a group is masculine pronouns. In recent years, at least in my college most professors do it, is to use the rule of majority to choose pronouns to refer to the class, but there's still the old one out that insists on addressing an audience of fifty gals with masculine pronouns because there's one (1) single guy in the middle. There is not the comfort of a neutral "they" to take refuge behind, pick a side. I try to phrase sentences in ways that don't require genderizing anything at all, but when that fails (because verbs are also gendered! Even in first-person! Joy!) I either take refuge in accent or use masculine pronouns. I'm not gonna bother correcting strangers that address me as "Ms"; they are being polite, it's what I look like, and there is honestly no alternative. If I couldn't convince my parents to stop refering exclusively to my femininity when paying compliments (and harmful femininity at that, the fatshaming, dear gods, if my ribs aren't showing I'm too fat; if they compliment me on been thin it means I gotta gain weight), I cannot convince a stranger. My mother even complains that I gained "too much muscle" with martial arts, even though I look more feminine with muscle, even more feminine than her, because of the added curves. At this point I just throw my hands up and say "Boomers". The less I tell them about myself the less arguments we have. As much as I believe their love is true, that doesn't stop them being toxic af.
Thank you for what you said, near the end, about nonbinary people not having to dress a certain way to be valid. I have felt a lot of pressure to “give up” a lot of my feminine traits in my appearance to somehow be valid as, or convince others I am, nonbinary me. You reminded me that I don’t owe anyone androgyny to validate my gender experience. All that to say.... I’m going to keep painting my nails lol
I'm a cis woman, so all of this is very far from my experiences. There are a lot of things I don't quite understand yet, it's very confusing. But I'm still doing my research to try to broaden my mind, and be more accepting of differences.
Hello I just wanted to say you are a very beautiful person from the inside out. I hope you find all the happiness you deserve. Thank you for sharing your videos.
I have a non-binary friend now and I'm trying to learn more. Your video has been the most detailed and thorough so far. The physicality of thought is really interesting.
I have a question. Luxander, you mention that its hurtful/painful to be categorized as male or female, but then at 15:53 you say its annoying to you that people call you androgynous when your goal is to seem fairly masculine. Can you elaborate? As a person new to trying to understand this term and the feelings that go along with it , i thought i was getting it until you said that and then it really confused me. For example, if i were interacting with you personally and on a friendly level, would i simply use gender neutral terms in our conversation? How would i know that you preferred to be recognized as "fairly masculine"? Is that a conversation that we would have as the friendship evolves? Thanks so much for all your insight :-) grut
I'm nonbinary and I'm 100% open about that in my personal life, but because society sucks I present masculine and go by he/him in some spaces because that's the closest thing to acceptance I can get. I violently don't want to be gendered female, so I overcorrect the other direction because it sucks somewhat less
Showing this to my mom so that she can understand better and she is she asking very good questions you put very well into words thank you for this video
I’m a social worker and this vid is informative since I had a course in Gender sexuality for my BS in Psychology degree & in social work degree we only covered gender dysmorphia thanks I never know who I might come across that may be non-binary
I am really trying to figure this out for family member's sake. So when someone refers to you as Sir or Ms, I don't think anyone is trying to hurt you, I think we are all confused as well. OK but having said that, I understand you feel somewhere in-between. So If a person feels in-between but you have male genitalia do you prefer to date males or females and visa Versa? I also wondering how your family is dealing with this? I have no trouble with family members being Gay, but if my youngest family member who might be trans, decided to identify as the opposite I will feel like I lost who they were as a child. Does that make sense, so while I do not know what will happen yet as they are very young yet, I want to understand and be ready? But no matter what I will love them and always support them. I think you are very brave to make this video, I applaud you.
Not entirely! I think when people transition they tend to not lose their entire identity. It will most likely just feel like a different version of them. Similar to how your 20 year old child will be different to your 2 year old child.
As i am understanding myself and exploring my gender identity. Its like i dont like to be overly fem and im not overly masculine either. I dont enjoy having long hair as a fem, but i dont want to have a “traditionally” masculine haircut either. Androgynous look too. I like to look powerful and assertive with confidence but i dont want to be called a man or sir or she its confusing to me as i never questioned my sex growing up but its very distressing
Okay, so I'm currently doing a bunch of learning in gender topics, I had a friend years ago tell my I was gender fluid, and I was all like "okay, most importantly I am me, it's not like I can have my ideal body anyways". I present fairly cis on average, even though my friend called me out, they were the only one. It's interesting seeing other people's ideas on this stuff, I've never really had it hard, but I like my body, and I think it looks best cis presenting, so I've also just been assumed cis, and that was fine. But this rabbit hole of trans and NB RUclips has definitely got me thinking, I should be more picky, just to help normalize the idea
I'm beginning to question my own gender. I feel pretty certain that I am not Trans, because I feel comfortable in my physical body, but when it comes my my expression, I strongly prefer masculine expression. (I'm dfab btw.) And I feel it's not as simple as liking guys clothes either. Like I'm pretty sure I've experienced gender euphoria, looking at myself and seeing a guy. I dont know. Halp. .u. Edit: it's been a year since I wrote this post, and a year since I started testosterone. I can definitively say I am transmasculine and bigender. Thank you so much Luxander for helping me figure myself out. 💗
This video was pretty helpful to understand what non binary people go through and how they feel. I have been wondering tho, can a NB person be, for example, a lesbian? What do you call a NB person who's only into a specific gender? This is just curiosity, really, I'd appreciate some insight!
I've subscribed. You're wonderful & delightful & articulate & talented & I'll stop before you get too flattered or think I'm hitting on you, I'm not, I'm just stating facts. I wondered after the first 3 minutes how much more could be added to the definition given at the beginning, but I loved the discourse on DYSPHORIA & how nonbinary is under the Trans (identity) umbrella in that you reject the binary gender assigned to you. Very relevant/helpful.
Thank you for the thorough and personal explanation. Mentally I consider myself as "neutral", though biologically I'm female and alright with it. If I think of being born as male instead I think I'd also be alright. *shrug I'm sorry to find out some people experience such distress when it comes to their gender and I'm all for using whichever pronoun the individual would prefer. Honestly I think they/them should be the norm unless otherwise preferred. Interestingly enough I've also had slightly elevated androsterone levels after puberty, so it seems as if my body is in line with the blurred lines as well 🙃
question: I hope I don't offend I just want to understand. You said you like they them. What is a formal way to address you? I'm from the south and we address everyone with yes mam no mam or sir. How should we address you with that kind of formality? What's a good way to address random people? I want to be accepting of others I don't want to contribute to other's pain. thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for this video. I’m a heterosexual male and my oldest told me that they are non-binary about 3 months ago. So that I would not offend them because, I love them more than anything. I just accepted it without fully understanding it. This video has helped me better understand what the term means.
Thank you again!
I know this is old, but more people should be telling you that you're awesome.
IDK if you have any idea how important your acceptance and love is to your child while going through something like this, but it can, and all too often is, the difference between life and death. Thank you, I wish more parents were like you.
You deserve a medal for the best parent of the year
Thank you for having this view.
You are awesome. As someone who’s seen the effects of a homophobic/transphobic parent on their child, I am very glad that you elected for immediate acceptance rather than waiting until you understood it. Don’t get me wrong, understanding is very much important, but immediate acceptance avoids any stress that waiting could result in.
You are awesome!
Doctor Anarchy cool joke, my dude. Never heard that one before XD
Love the idea of finding gender euphoria rather than escaping gender dysphoria. Thanks for introducing that!
I mean, I'm non-binary and I still have issues with trying to verbalize and articulate an explanation on what it means. So thank you for this.
@Saphyr S. Did I ask?
Me: *is nonbinary*
Also me: *watches this video*
You are valid, because same.
Also, I learned about Luxander's thoughts about how trans people come about which was interesting, so very worthwhile.
Is that Russian I see? If so - Оставайся любопытным! ^-^
Saaaammmeeee...
Please explain difference b/w trans and non binary
I'm confused
@@riddhinursinghomegeneralho840 Trans means you don't feel comfortable with your assigned sex at birth, as in not feeling male nor female, so you gender identity is different. Nonbinary is a subcategory of transgender, where you feel unassociated with your assigned sex, but neither the label man nor woman fits you.
me
I totally feel you on this, Lux, and it falls in line with a lot of what researchers are finding about being gay or bi. At the same time, I think "it hurts my feelings" SHOULD be enough to have your pronouns and reality respected. Even if there isn't/wasn't a genetic or physiological and measurable thing which is creating transness or enbiness, it still deserves respect and protection and resources. BECAUSE HUMANS.
I'm sorry to bother, but I got really really interested in these studies, do you have any source material available for sharing? I would be very thankful.
Instead of typing a novella you could've just googled "historical third genders" or "anthropological gender"
The two-gender model is the result of colonialism, this variation in humans has always existed
@Mira _ my point is that the supposed fixed correlation of gender and sex is blatantly falsified by a glance 250 years into the past. Furthermore, sex is clearly not binary either, so strict adherence to a binary-sex-correlates-with-binary-gender model is also useless
Is the two-sex-two-gender model correct? Objectively not. Is it useful? Not really. Does it actively hurt pretty much everybody? You bet.
@kommisar Google "two-spirit" and "hijra"
@@MusingMoss Could you elaborate on why you think that sex is not binary?
My grandkid told me that they are non-binary. They are 10 years old. I am happy to know that their parents are both just as accepting as I am. Their sister is also quite comfortable with this expression. The good part is that they didn't seem to have any stress at all in saying what they felt and believed. I wish it could be this easy for others, but if we keep treating non-binary as normal, perhaps it will be. Thank you for this video that helps me better understand.
Wow, you did something right with raising your children! This made my day🥰
Your family is great thanks for being so supportive of your grandkid I hope everybody around them accepts them
The whole issue of nonbinary is not something I can accept because it is subjective. For me truth is objective. How else can discover if sth is just a fad. What if I identify as nonbinary but I am lying? How can my claim be falsified. Since it cannot, I subscribe to Hitchen's razor.
Off topic, but just wanted to say this... your tone in the video was so relaxing.
Now for something related to the video... Hearts the video!
Lux giving off them ASMR vibes :3
I have been recently exploring my identity as nonbinary, using they/them pronouns and settling into the my identity going a bit beyond the confines of non-gender-conforming woman. Your channel has been an absolutely wonderful resource for me and your pragmatism and honesty are breaths of fresh air in a community I've found a little bit intimidating and/or frustrating in the past. I'd kind of held onto the idea of being pansexual nonbinary as a possibility for a while but knowing I could pass as a cisgender woman in a heterosexual partnership (my wonderful fiance is a cis male and I have a fairly feminine appearance IRL) made me dismiss my feelings of displacement in the traditional binary space. I didn't want to come across as treading where I didn't belong, when I have the privilege of being able to 'blend' so easily, when other enbies, transfolk, etc have so much struggle just getting along in their day to day. But over all I think I was denying something inherent about myself, too, and that was causing me some very real distress.
I recently came out to my main friend groups about my identity as genderfluid and I've felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It feels easier to breathe not being just defaulted to as a girl, a woman. When someone refers to me as they/them, or asks me what I'm feeling more strongly at the time (in regards to gender), I feel... just a little bit more affirmed and comfortable in my own skin.
Thank you for doing what you do, Lux. Your videos have been really helping me navigate this process, and I appreciate that you exist.
I came here because im confused i feel like both but im to scared to believe it....and to embrace it i just idk im confused
Literally same tho
Same
It's ok to feel like you relate more to males as a female or to females as a male or you feel like both or neither. It doesn't make you any less of the gender you are or any less of a person. It's just your unique experience of who you are
Thanks for this video (btw your voice is mezmerizing)
Recently, I was talking with a friend who told me that I might be non-binary, because I identify both as a male and female. Since I am a kid I don't mind people call me "she" or "he", both are fine for me, and while talking with my psychiatrist (I have BPD), he told me "you have the body of a girl, but with a really manly soul, are you going to transition?". This really confused me, because I don't feel the need to change my body. I mean I am pretty happy that I have boobs, it's just that in my head I feel I am both male and female. When people ask me if I am a girl or a boy I am always super confused, and usually go like "meh, call me what you think suits me the most, i don't care". (sorry for my English, i'm not a native speaker)
What you're describing is perfectly normal. I feel both male and female psychologically and I've always assumed that's just part of being human like having a masculine and feminine side or an anima and an animus. If you're comfortable in your body, hold onto that.
I don't really care how people refer to me either, In my head I'm a gay man. When I was a kid people thought I was pretty "girly" and most of my friends were girls but I never had any dysphoria and my identity as a man is based on my birth sex. I feel I have attributes that people would call feminine or masculine but I just don't really care. I think about people as male/female based on the sex I perceive them to be, and I refer to people as they wish. I don't perceive male/female outside of perceived sex. A non binary person will always be male or female (or intersex) in my head based on their perceived sex and I can't change that. The rest of it just feels like treating people with dignity. I liken this to the fact that I am not religious but I recognise that religion is important to some people. I don't believe in God therefore in my mind therefore religion is just a personal thing, but identities like these still affect how people are and how they live.
I sometimes wonder with this stuff if there's also a connection to the interplay between power and trauma (control of perception, permanent body modification, retreat from pressures to conform to particular behaviours associated with one's sex, patriarchy etc) like the fact that in my country the number of females who go on to identify as male or non-binary is much higher than the reverse, or that now many psychologists and doctors are saying that not enough is done to explore the psychology of this.
bro, your English is fantastic, and I kinda feel the same.
@@cmmndrblu I appreciate the respectful and sincere tone in your comment. But personally, I'm not particularly interested in the etiology of my gender dysphoria, or giving those possibilities massive practical significance. Yes, there are female-assigned people who understand their dysphoria with reference to patriarchy and/or trauma, who often also question common narratives of transness or gender identity as innate.
Many of them also believe that in most cases, there is no "off-switch" for gender dysphoria. It's more like managing a chronic condition. That's a valuable skillset-- but I think it reflects that "understanding the real causes" only goes so far. You still have to figure out how to live-- and for many people, that means transition of some kind. It isn't always effective but it helps a lot of people.
Edit: To be clear, the psychiatrist in this case gave bad advice. There is no real reason to recommend a difficult and costly process to someone who's content with their current situation. There are also many ways to express masculine parts of your internal self without transitioning, such as wearing masculine clothing or roleplaying male characters.
I've really been struggling the past couple months, going back and forth in my mind about whether or not I'm non-binary. I am comfortable going by any pronoun, do not have dysphoria, and still want to go with a feminine-esque presentation. Literally nothing about me has changed, so it is weird for me to think of myself as nb at all. Yet as a child I always felt upset when people told me I was a girl (it didn't feel right), and I cringe every time someone types me. I don't feel like a woman, and I don't feel like a man. I just feel like a person. I appreciate that you added in at the end that I don't have to change my looks because a lot of people seem to have the opinion that my not being a woman is rather vacuous if I do not change my names, pronouns, or the way that I dress. I like my name and my clothes, and the way I go about things. I'm comfortable with myself. Thanks again.
I feel quite similarly. I'm just a person. I said out loud to myself "I'm a woman" "I'm a man" "I'm non-binary", just to see how each one feels. But I just feel like "I'm a person" or "I'm a human"
I feel ño gender most my life. Im comfortable with being non binary person. Im a proud🏳️🌈 black person born 🚺. So happy when there was name 4 how i felt my whole life 👍🏾
I am non-binary in the sense of somewhere between male and female. I am trans, constantly experience very strong physical dysphoria and some social dysphoria too, have been on HRT for 6 ½ years, but also can’t simply see myself completely in the sex opposite to that in which I was born. That’s why it’s been so hard to assign a simple label to my situation. Non-binary seems vague enough for me so I am adopting the concept.
P.S. I thought about this a lot since I made a comment in one of your videos a few weeks ago. It helped me gear towards this resolution. I had used “gender fluid” in the past but that wasn’t quite right either (I’ve known I’m trans since I was a small child). My experience and understanding of my gender is quite constant, but in a less defined grey area. Thanks for sparking some of these thoughts in my mind lately. My wife was quite happy when I told her I’m non-binary after all - she says this is much more like me and that she sees me becoming happier with this understanding.
Just gotta say your last name is amazing because risotto is delicious I'm sure you get that alot lol
I hope you can get to a comfortable place, I am glad you have a supportive spouse :)
I feel like not being comfortable in a strict gender role doesn’t mean you’re necessarily nonbinary.
People regardless of gender can feel uncomfortable being restricted and oppressed like a woman, or emotionally stoic as a man.
True, gender nonconforming does not automatically mean nonbinary. But there are also nonbinary people, nonetheless. It's more than just social expectations.
@@ichthanthrope I am trying to understand, but I'm still lost. If gender isn't performative, and gender isn't physical, then how do I know if I'm a man, woman, or neither? I feel it's insulting to me to suggest that the soul or personality that resides in my physical body is limited to a gender. Why can't I just be a soul in a male or female body?
@@RoseTuneTaylor This is an entirely valid way to view gender. Just know that there are people out there who would disagree with you as they have very strong personal connections to gender. I don't think any of them would dismiss your idea as false, however. There is even a word in the community for it: agender. Meaning having little to no "spiritual" (cant think of a better word right now) connection to gender.
EDIT: to properly answer your question: you can, if you'd like.
You're right-- but to be clear, are you giving Luxander that advice? Because I don't think it's appropriate in this case. As they mentioned, they have explored being a non-conforming man or non-conforming woman, but continued to experience dysphoria when addressed as male or female. I'm not sure what someone in their situation could gain from advice that they've already acted on, when they're more comfortable as non-binary.
@@RoseTuneTaylor well I'd say that gender IS a performative societal construct. Cuz material world things are simply material world things, they only become special when you give them specific sence. So perfomances are merely a small reflection of this unique sence. Cuz perfomances are limited unlike sences. You need to simply understand empirically your sense of self. And then, you need to go and find a societal construct for that to grip on. I'm a really asocial person and I talked to almost nobody through my teenage years. Yet I've always had a sense of self. In my 20's however I started to adapt into society and that felt like hell. I felt like an alien, like I understand nothing and don't belong anywhere. Yet somehow I found enby community and searched for terms. "Agender" just clicked. I know exactly what it means cuz I felt that on my skin. And know I can perform things with my sence to feel sane. And so that's how I found my gender - my costume in society. I've always knew WHO I am but I needed no word for this when I was alone. Only when I had to compare myself to other people and understand if I'm broken or not. All of this terms including man and woman stand on gut feelings. And when this internal feelings click with external expressions - that's how you know your gender.
This is so interesting and well explained, im a cis bi girl and i love how others have such different experiences and its so wierd but i feel even more of a woman after you talking about the opposite, Thats the great part of discovering yourself
This is STILL the best video to send to cis people to explain non-binary identities. Thanks for this
As someone who's been questioning as to whether he was non-binary or not, this video has helped me a lot in figuring out that I'm not. All the best to you and your journey.
Honestly only recently started taking a look into like.. what my gender is. I'm AFAB, but I've never felt like... connected with like the female kinda... image? I guess? It never felt like it 100% fit me. I had this debate like.. two years ago with myself, since I just sat down and was like "y'know... this really doesn't feel very cash money." I really didn't feel entirely right referring to myself as a female, as a woman. (Honestly even saying woman feels so weird??? I don't even know lmao)
I ended up just pushing it away since school was happening, and shit was just going on, and I just kinda... pushed it so far to the side that I really just forgot about that sit-down.
So, here I am, again... kinda like. Having this debate on a larger scale. It still feels weird to call myself a woman, and the word feels weird in general still, and before this the reawakened debate I just actively avoided it. I'd deflect any questions about my gender in voice chats, (I don't need to IRL, since like. Long hair, very... pronounced... mid area... people just kind of assume that on their own lol) and just like. Continue onward.
Honestly I feel better in a way being called he/him lol. I dunno why. I don't think I'd be comfortable living with like.. the parts they have (this is so awkward to try and write omg), but in the same breath I don't feel 100% good with the ones upstairs, either. I'd rather just like... not. Or just have them be really small and unnoticeable since that would feel better.
But ya, I dunno what the point of this story was... I'm just kinda going by nonbinary at this point. It feels right. I still feel kinda weird sometimes since my hair goes down to like the bottom of my spine and then feels just like... *uhhhhh???* If that makes sense...? And the whole... upstairs thing. I wanna try and get a binder, and see how that feels soon.
Wow so relatable for me XD
It's like, when people categorize me as a woman, my reaction is like, "uhh, yeah, SUUURE....if you say so" while scooting away and then I feel like a poor imposter pretending to fit in with the ladies.
And it feels soooo good when someone says something about how they don't see me as a girl. I had my screenwriting teacher say I write like a man, haha, that was amazing.
In groups of women I don't feel like I fit in or relate to them very well. Subconsciously I just don't seem to have ever believed I was female and it can be very disorienting to be assumed to be one.
The idea that different hormone levels at different stages of foetal development might be related to trans identities is one I had not previously come across. It's interesting.
how I see gender: using a math metaphor, male/female are 2 points on a line. non-binary is a three dimensional spectrum of all, none or some of the male/female points that may ebb and flow between, on and off of that line.
oh, and as usual you've given us a thoughtful, scientific and empathetic view into the human experience. Your work is excellent, thank-you.
I am openly non-binary for just some over a month now. Thankfully, I have a very tiny but very understanding social group. But there was this one question, I was struggling with, one question that stresses me ever since it as asked. „Why after 44 years of living like a man? Why now?“ My answer to this is and was, that I only now have the vocabulary, the understanding to see, what was „wrong“ with me my whole life. And that isn‘t the problem - it is rather the echo that remains in my head. Why now? I have this irrational fear that a trans person (and I also consider myself to be non-binary trans) comes to me, looks at me and says: „Yeah right! You only think to be non-binary but lived as a male your whole life without completely breaking apart“, or whatever some „real“ non-binary person could say to me. I have the same stupid feeling towards my art as an artist… there it is called the „imposter syndrome“ and I feel that this right now is somewhat the same thing. And this is driving me nuts. It is driving me nuts, that I can‘t show anybody, that i am not conform with the two „traditional“ gender roles… I can just say, that I just know it to be true, good, real… me!
I really appreciate that you put up this video. I'm a huge supporter of the community but unfortunately am some what ignorant as I don't know anyone in the community, been a single mom most of my adult life and don't get out much. Lol. The one time I met someone non binary was at work. They where a new employee and I was informed of the proper pronoun to use by management. Of course I was curious and had many questions. I asked them if they where comfortable explaining things to me so I would better understand. I think I offended them as they only worked with us for 2 weeks and they never talked to me again. I felt awful about it. I've been scared to reach out to the community to get informed because I really don't want to offended anyone. You are awesome and I greatly appreciate the information you provided.
Good on you for trying to learn at least :) of course there's no way for me to tell whether that coworker was offended or not, but I think it could be that they simply didn't have the energy to explain, or they were nervous about it. I'm sure they've received disingenuous questions before that were just a cover for harassment. So perhaps in that case they simply wanted to avoid potential trouble, and it wasn't a reflection on how you asked them. In the end it's great that you're still trying to learn!
Thank you for making this, I'm a cis gay male, but I care about and support nonbinary fellow members of the community, and even though at times it can be hard I wanted to understand
Another good video, can I ask how do you feel about someone using dude when they talk to you? I understand it is/can be a masculine pronoun but I know a few people who use it in the same way that a British or Australian person might say mate. I understand your preferred pronouns or they/them but do you feel there's a difference at all or not. Much love as always.
I really don't mind, I tend to skew somewhat masc so some of those terms are pretty affirming
@@MusingMoss However if you weren't okay with it there's always prison for the assailant.
Sometimes I have thoughts I don't endorse, don't agree with, but can't shake them by thinking about it and moving on; the thought keeps coming back. I often describe this by talking about my brain in the third person. This includes plenty of biases, that intellectually I fully reject.
It was so much easier for my brain to deal with gender issues when the -- admittedly less affirming -- terminology was "prefered pronouns" and the like. My brain didn't have any objections to someone preferring something; how could it possibly disagree? But once the language changed to "this person's pronouns *are* ..." -- my brain relentlessly asks "what does that *mean*?" So thank you for this excellent video. I had long ago rejected gender norms, so didn't quite understand what non-binary-ness had to offer that saying "f%*# gender norms" didn't. I really like this explanation, but I'm guessing it's only a partial answer.
CN: This next part is something my brain still won't let me drop, and it may feel bad for non-binary and trans people to read.
I would love so much if someone could answer this in a way that lets me shut my stupid brain up about this. If gender means anything other than pure preference, then isn't it likely or at least possible for someone to have a preference that doesn't line up -- that is, for someone to want to be of a certain gender, yet not be? If it is pure preference, then while I would still go ahead and respect that preference in how I talk about them, in what way would my transphobic dad be wrong when he's dismissive? He'd still be an ass about it -- it's why he didn't get to meet my last partner who is non-binary -- but in what way would he be philosophically wrong in his dismissiveness? See, I'm sure this is a false dichotomy, but they're the only two options my brain has accepted so far: either it's a real neurological thing or it's playing semantics. If it's semantics, can I believe that and still be supportive to all the enby people in my life? Do I just have to never tell them this is what I think? If it's more than semantics, how can that possibly mean that every person who tells me they are trans and/or enby is absolutely correct? There's no consensus on what these things mean, so how would no one ever mistakenly take up the identity -- like you mentioned, you tried filling the binary roles before you knew what non-binary was. I've been reading and watching so, so, so much on this topic over the last few years, and I haven't found much in the way of answers that get my brain to shut up. I'm sorry if knowing that people like me exist adds to the hurt anyone reading this experiences, I've just struggled so much with this and don't know where to go for answers.
That's what i've been wondering too. Wouldn't it be the same like treating someone with a religion in a respectful manner, not bashing on their believes because of decency, even if a part of you is sceptical about the semantics/absolute correctness part? Would that be ok or still dishonest?
hey y'all, I know this is old, but I see no one really answered. it would be interesting to know if your views have changed, but I'll address whats here. first, I have somewhat recently accepted that I am queer. I am not cis, and I have started identifying as non binary. I currently use my last name (Lake) and they/them pronouns. I appreciate the content note, but I'm glad I read further. To consider what it means if gender is or is not simply preference is valid; I have when I began questioning. On your question of if your father's dismissiveness is 'philosophically' wrong if gender were simply a preference, I think still yes. We should respect other people and their preferences regarding their expression. On the question of if you believe it to be semantics what does that mean for your relationship/interaction with the various enbys in your life, I don't think it has to be a big deal. I think perception is a weird thing and I have had a personal struggle of, having grown up with cis normativity, having a hard time perceiving various enbys as masc or femme without it relating them to a certain gender. This does not mean that there isn't an enormous amount of respect, and speaking for myself I care about your outward actions and the way you refer to me a lot more than I care about your internal pondering (not that I wouldn't try my best to answer any questions you may have). I don't think it is just semantics though; I think it is a matter of realizing your gender, not of preferring to be one. So this would mean that it is in fact possible to identify as a gender and later realize that it isn't quite right. This does happen to some. How you were socialized as a child can really affect your comfort level with trying out certain things and it can take a long time for someone to find the language that matches them. The thing is that when someone tells you their identity they probably put a lot of thought into it, and while in the long run they may end up using a different label, that was the closest they had at the time and is what felt most right. It does you no harm to respect that and refer to them accordingly unless/until they tell you a new label, even if it is difficult to fully understand it. Sorry it was so long, hope it is helpful to anyone who does read it.
Hey, Lake. Thanks for the reply -- this is something I'm still thinking about, so any thoughts or insights are welcome!
You said it'd be interesting to know if my thoughts have changed. There's one piece of information I've learned that's shifted the directions of my thoughts quite a bit, though I haven't exactly landed on anything that feels like a complete answer. From psychologist Scott Alexander's blog, I learned a lot about some phenomena that heavily shook my understanding of body-related dysphoria, and I assume a lot of the things that are confusing to me right now are real in similar ways, but not well enough understood scientifically to let my brain rest completely. Basically, there seems to be a mapping of the body in the brain that isn't based on the body itself -- it just grows in your brain according to the plans, and sometimes the body and the brain disagree, and this is a really, really big deal. For example, someone born with an arm that didn't develop normally, might still have a brain mapping that expects a fully functioning arm. When someone like this gets their arm amputated for whatever medical reason, if they have a phantom limb, it will not be like their old arm; it'll be a fully formed "normal" phantom arm. The really, really salient thing I learned about all of this was in the opposite direction -- some people's brains don't think they have an arm, even though their arm developed normally. These people are often so distressed by this arm that doesn't feel like it should be there, that they want it removed. The shocking -- to me, at least -- thing is, they will sometimes amputate their own arm, and then -- they will be happier the rest of their lives, and not regret the decision. That living without one arm is less distressing and less difficult than having a mismatch between brain-expectation and body-experience made me 100% on a gut level (what I'd been hoping for) accept that trans people's experiences are describing something really really real. This extreme dysphoria isn't necessarily the same thing that's happening with non-binary gender, but I'm so sure that it is a neurologically distinct thing than my experience, that it does let my brain step back and accept that it just doesn't understand the details, and accept that likely no-one going through it exactly understands the neuron-level explanation, and that's perfectly okay (just like the people with brain-mapping/body issues don't experience their situation any less just because they don't know what exactly happened to make their brains that way).
It feels a little weird still, because it's not exactly appropriate to tell someone all of that just to say "I accept you." And this was a short version of all the related concepts I've studied. So I still have some anxiety that if pressed, I might not interpret someone's experience the same way they would, and that they may see that as an unacceptable way for me to see things.
@@anthonywestbrook2155 wow, that is some really cool info. I think the key is letting people know that you are trying to get it and that you will do your best to support them in the way they ask. You sound very thoughtful so I think people will recognize that there's good intent.
Luxander, I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate your videos, and I'm so glad that Mr. Atheist introduced me to your channel. As a middle aged straight cis male, it's often hard to keep up with the evolving terms, what the different pronouns are and what they mean to different people, how gender fluidity works, and what is proper etiquette when interacting with transgender or nonbinary people, and it was embarrassing that I hadn't educated myself, especially since I consider myself a strong LGBTQA+ ally and supporter. Keep it up, I love the vids!
Have you done a video on gender-fluidity? One of my favorite characters (Alex from the Magnus Chase series) is transgender and gender-fluid, but I haven’t a clue what that means. I find your videos very enlightening, and hope that if you haven’t done a video on this concept that you might in the future!
Your channel is helping me to understand the non-binary community much better, thank you for that. I like that you explained it on a biological level, I just find it frustrating that people need to understand things from a biological level for them to have validity. I am a psychology student so maybe I am biased, but we spend a lot of time seeking and creating evidence, usually based on thoughts, feelings and behaviours. From a social constructivist level I think that it doesn't matter if something is biological, it is a social reality that exists in the confines of society. We all have a relationship with our own gender identity (including non-binary) that plays a big part in our life even though gender norms etc are a social construct.
I get really frustrated how people are unbothered about biology or what is natural etc. until they meet a gay person/trans person - we have created a society that is so far removed from our 'natural' environment that it is kind of a moot point. Sorry for the rant!
I feel that way because I was questioning and processing my gender. I have been in touch with my feminine side since childhood to now. I did wear women’s wig and lipstick in childhood. I did wear skinny jeans like glam rock and metal jeans since teenage years. I did wear women’s clothes, makeup, nail polish, and eyeliner since now. I did show my androgynous and feminine.
Your video is tremendously helpful thank you. I work in healthcare and want to do anything I can to make people feel safe and to feel respected. I'm in my 60's committed to having a loving and open heart and mind. I understand having lived as a cis-female straddling the women's movement, that societal roles based on gender while useful in places are moreover disturbingly oppressive; limited to placing people in small, prescribed containers where we don't neatly fit. So much suffering ensues. I believe this movement a revolution long overdue and I admire your courage and patience as we all grow towards a fuller existence. Peace and blessing all around.
This helped me a lot. I'm recently transitioning to IDK and I'm afraid of being like stealing a place in non-cis community. I'm also bipolar so medical people thinks it's all the bipolar and they dismiss me on that one. I have no body disphoria so even I don't believe myself but I experience all the things you said about social disphoria, I have tons of it. I have a lot of anxiety and I hate people treating me in any gender-way, so I tend to be very androgynous just so people can't know for sure... I don't even go out my house almost never these days... My friends knows it so they're ok by me... The sole thing of them knowing and accepting me as I am already brings me confort. Anyway helped me think, thank you for your vídeo!
This really helped with my understanding of non binary. I still have questions and a lot to learn but this video was a good stepping stone. thanks for informing me about this video.
I’m not sure if you’re aware, but your video is linked in a piece on The Federalist, discrediting and insulting non-binary individuals among other terrible things. The man who wrote this is my biological father and I detest everything he stands for. He claims to have a lot of knowledge about raising a family as well as LGBTQ issues. But growing up he was abusive mentally and physically, and today he’s refused any type kind of relationship with any of his five children. I’m sorry for the hurt he continually puts out into the world, and that you have to suffer that, no matter how small it may feel. You’re not alone. You are loved and you are validated. And I can assure you, people like my dad only speak like that because he’s insecure and unhappy, so he must make as many people feel the same way.
SO i watched an old video of yours where the comments were turned off (probably from people being hateful) but i am really just wanting to tell you thank you. You really gave some clarity to something I didn't have much perspective on. Thank you for helping me walk a mile in your shoes and thank you for helping me be a better ally. 🖤
Thank you for this video. My cousin's child came out as nonbinary and we want to further support her and understand her. God bless you.
Alright I stayed to the end and will for every video just to hear your voice in low tones, that sounds really nice
Thank you for this video. I recently realized that I am non binary. It didn't occur to me that I was allowed to think of myself as anything other than male or female, but neither ever fit. If dressed in feminine clothing, it felt like I was wearing a necessary costume that I didn't like, but I did it anyways because it was expected of me. My mom would have my sister restrain me, while she would force a dress over my head. I was kicking and screaming and crying the whole time. I was about 5 years old and I didn't mind wearing clothing. I just didn't want it to be a dress. I had a husband who told me that a husband has a right to see his wife in feminine, form fitting clothing. I am more masculine than feminine, but I don't identify as either.
I think this is the most informative and clear explanation of what it means to be non binary that I have found so far, thank you!
I'm one of those people that feels most comfortable being the way I was raised, despite knowing that I'm nonbinary. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I appreciate your video. It helps me feel valid when the rest of the world does not.
I think I finally understand why non-binary people would also identify as trans. I had so far seen it more logical that trans people and non-binary people would fall in different categories, understanding "trans" as someone who is dysphoric about the gender assigned at birth and wanting to transition to the opposite, thinking this doesn't fit non-binary people because you cannot really be assigned non-binary at birth. But from what you said now I rather see it as trans meaning being dysphoric by birth basically. So it is the distress about the misgendering that is shared by both binary and non-binary trans people, it just operates in different dimensions kinda. Thank you, I feel better now that I don't agree with Blaire White :)
Moreover, people can (rarely) be born non binary! It’s called intersex, and it’s between the sexes. But non binary is a large umbrella, and outside the male/female also exist!
Beautifully put ... I didn't have the language to articulate that my body and identity were incongruent.. I didn't think my body was an issue, because prior to estrogen therapy, I was a stone. I experienced zero feelings.. I had no Dysphoria, social or bodily.. because my numbness and dissociations and migraines coming from them led me to believe that I had a problem as a cis guy . .. but once I took estrogen therapy, I was disconnected from my body altogether.. I couldn't cognizantly experience my assigned embodiment, because I essentially couldn't feel. I didn't know I was coded as a man because of my body. I was wildly cognitively and emotionally absent, because I couldn't really experience my body. I had a body absence In a sense. I thought that I was just like any other guys who couldn't experience emotions.. my inability to experience vitality and euphoria contributed to my inability to recognize my body. I'm realizing cis dyad men are not experiencing bodily absence.
my daughter just came out as non binary person and I'm learning how to support her. Thanks for making this video. I have much to learn
well for starters, chances are your child probably wouldn't be comfortable being referred to as 'her'
rita fuh I’ve actually heard of non binary people using her as a pronoun.
Wow this video is very thorough! Thank you so much! This is a really good resource. I'm glad you included the fact that some people don't change their appearance and that some people have what seems to be a very binary transition. I fall into the latter and a lot of people still ask me "so, you want to be a man?" and it makes me feel so awkward.
Thank you for this video - I recently came out as NB (at the grand age of 35), and will use this to help people understand who I am
Ok, now we're getting somewhere, I can accept and respect a person when they give me a nice explanation of what it's all about, like they did here in this video. It has already started to annoy me when I ask someone what it is about, what is their deal if they are non-binary, and in return I usually get the answer that I am intolerant, ignorant, disrespecting them, etc. I'm none of the above, on the contrary, I just wanted to understand what it was specifically about. And here's how someone can explain nicely, without being offended by that question, and for everything to be ok. Respect.
I have an 11 yr old who told me they’re non-binary how can I beat support them in raising them
I think the best thing you can do is provide a safe environment at home where they feel like they can explore different ways of expression. Shield them from family members who are not accepting, you can work with those family members to try to bring them around, but don't expose the kid to people who are going to make unwelcome comments, and don't tell your kid what those people say. For example, if they ask why they haven't seen Auntie in a while, keep it generic with something like, "It's taking Auntie a while to come around about [your pronouns, your gender] and it's important to me that you not deal with that on top of everything else."
If they want to come out at school, you may get in touch with a school counselor or directly with their teachers to identify other adult allies and make sure they have a support system, someone to go to if there are issues with fellow students.
This one will feel like a big step, but bear with me: Make sure the kid understands fully what's coming with puberty, and be prepared to talk about puberty blockers with them and their doctors. There seem to be very few long-term effects from being on puberty blockers--so long as they do initiate some kind of puberty (either naturally or with intervention) by the time they're 15-16 (going many years without active sex hormones can cause osteoporosis, but 2-4 years shouldn't be long enough to cause harm, I'm not a doctor though). All you're doing with blockers is providing extra time for them to determine what they want for their body, and the reason this is so important is that some effects of puberty are either impossible or extremely expensive to reverse later in life, and some of these effects can cause drastic mental and emotional stress.
I'm not a parent myself, but I hope to be one day, and I think the biggest parts of the job are making sure children can be children, can develop along with their peers, and don't experience avoidable stress or trauma. It's a big job, and you're already on the right track with pronouns and seeking out resources. The world is not always welcoming to trans folks, particularly nonbinary folks, so the best thing you can do is try to provide a 100% positive, celebratory environment where you can control it. Encourage them to try new things (names, clothes, pronouns) and protect them from negativity wherever it may come from.
Sorry for the long reply, there are lots of components to this and I might have to make a video :p As an adult enby, I thank you for giving your kid the chance to be themself at such a young age. Even if they decide on a different identity label later, I'm sure they will thank you as well =]
I'm so thankful for you having made this video. While I obviously accepted non-binary people as valid and understood (on a theoretical basis at least) what it means. But to actually hear the experience of someone like you and the explanation on an actual practical basis is really helpful to understand it properly.
I recently started exploring my gender identity and I'm kind of thinking I may be a trans man. I'm AFAB and they/them feels okay, but if anyone were to call me he/him the euphoria would be amazing. I'm terrified of transition, though, so I don't know. I may just be a trans man that never transitions. My features are all very feminine. I'm a "pretty" AFAB (although I hate the word.) So I feel like what's the point. :(
I feel your struggle... I'm trans too. I think that I am a trans man, although it is possible that I could be nonbinary. My social and physical dysphoria is really bad, but I have not been able to transition because my family would disown me.
Btw, I've heard the "but you're so pretty?! Why would you transition?" as well. It doesn't matter how you look. The point is that you're not a woman, and you should be able to appear in a way you feel comfortable and not be guilted into not transitioning because someone think you would "look better" as the gender you were assigned. Just hang in there buddy :)
@@xz740 My psych and I have been discussing this for about a year or so now, so thanks for the concern, I guess? There's no hype for me. I've already had one surgery for my chest. I'm also in my 30's; I'm not a vulnerable teenager. I've been suicidal and had an eating disorder for most of my 20's. I grew up thinking hating your body and hating being a girl was a normal part of being AFAB. According to my psych and most people it is most definitely not. I have a child, and part of the reason transition scares me is how it will affect him.
I have used the crude comparison (for people with no exposure to the issues) that being nonbinary is to persons brain what being a intersex is for ones biology. It is not just one thing but compilation of thing with relation to a brain and how it is wired up.
@@xz740 Firstly you kinda missed the qualifier "crude" explaining that this is no super scientific explanation but a crude simplification of the issue.
Secondly, there actually is no need to have scan of "nonbinary" brain. I would argue it probably is impossible to have firstly because brains are not static organ but are molded by life experiences and because being nonbinary is no single definable one thing to scan for. You know, the reason i made the comparison to being a intersex, because it too is expressed by variety of ways and not just by on single thing. So the expectation of there being some spesific thing to scan for is missing the point of comparison.
Thirdly the sense i claim that it is in the brain is the way that everyone has their own natural sense of gender. Forcing people to act and represent themself outside their natural sense of gender causes demonstrable harm (gender dysphoria) and so those whose natural innate wired on the brain sense of gender is far enough from the binary can be but on the umbrella term of being a nonbinary.
Lastly, on what sense is this a "ideology"? If it is just a ideology why is it actually diagnosable condission and for some reason all the relevant experts on the relevant fields DO accept nonbinary people existing and that the best thing for their health and wellbeing is them being accepted as they are and have possibility to access relevant medical transition if need be. I could accept the claim of ideology if there would not be even way to diagnose us but i really cant accept that the actual experts are in on some ideological conspiracy?
@@xz740 Firstly actually i do not need solid facts for i am not making some super scientific case but just expressing crudely a way to understand this issue. The experts on the relevant fields have done the solid facts thing so if you have problem with them you should take this to them.
Secondly the comparison is valid on the basis that being a nonbinary is not a single spesific thing same as being a intersex. I claimed nothing more so rest is just strawmanning.
Thirdly being intersex actually is also about expression. Some intersex people also have an gender identity of a intersex person but not all and express it varying on personal basis.
Frouthly I dont get what you mean by there being nothing on dms about being forced to act in particular way. It is one reason people get gender dysforia because they are forced to express their gender against their innate sense on gender?
Fifhtly, where do you thing sense of gender is situated on person? On genitals? It is on the brain mate. Even if it has not been spesified it happens on the braind and is beyond persons choosing. There not being a gender tissue is jsut a massive strawman. If it is not scientifically based then why do medical experts aknowledge us and take our needs seriously? Just for being nice? If there was no medical scientific basis for this they would treat it as a delusion but it would seem that there are some basis on taking it actually seriously?
Lastly you are actually totally wrong on the claim that they diagnose the gender dysforia. The gender dysforia is what they treat, being a transgender or nonbinary is the thing they diagnose. (And based on the persons individual way of being a trans/nonbinary limits what treatments are available for them.) Do you want to know how i know this? Because i have been diagnosed myself :) Diagnosis was straighly and only about me being a nonbinary and need for leviation to gender dysphoria was secondary and totally optional. There is also medical condisions preventing people for taking needed medical transition what in your wiev would make them not trans or not nonbinary. And make it so that in rural areas of africa or cyberia there are magically no trans&nonbinary people because there are no possibility of medical transition. I would claim that there are same amout of us even if they have no access to medical transition.
Thanks for cleaning this up for me owning who I am is so liberating! Your a gem thank you so much for sharing! 😘
I was confused about this, so thank you for explaining in such a detailed way. :)
The way I understand your explanation, it basically comes down to your "gut reaction" to when people call you a gendered pronoun.
I was confused before because I don't think anyone fits into the "binary traits" that society has put as norms for how men and women are. For example, I have a lot of traits that society might describe as "feminine", so I didn't feel like I fit "neatly" into the societal definition of a "man".
However, I am 6"4, bearded and balding, so people who don't _know_ my more "feminine" traits would definitely be comfortable calling me "sir" or "he/him".
And I (importantly) would be fine/happy with that, I might not like it if people call me "ma'am" or "she/her" or "they/ them", so I guess I identify as a man despite having many traits you could describe as feminine.
Thank you again, this was really helpful in getting me to understand the NB experience. :)
I am a gay man and have heard many of the terms you mentioned in your video over the past couple of years but have never been able to make sense until now. Hearing you explain some of these labels from your perspective is very helpful. Thanks for taking the time to do these videos!
Thank you so much! I’m doing my best to understand nonbinary people and your clear, concise and easygoing explanations were very helpful. I still have questions but the important thing is that I know your experience is real and you deserve a full place in society.
The only thing I have trouble understanding are those who identify as nonbinary and retain everything else from their previous male or female identity. I want to be empathetic and give people freedom to explore themselves but I also feel that when it comes to things like bathrooms, the legal system, prisons, sports etc, nonbinary needs to have clear signifiers, definition, and be significant in how it differs from binary gender expression and experience.
I fear that some people adopt a nonbinary label for social status or misdiagnose their desire for validation as dysphoria, or because they want to build a genderless future, and these people can inadvertently damage the project of nonbinary social integration and the conversation around it. I want to be kind and understanding, but making affirmation the unquestionable norm leaves the transgender label and medicine open to abuse and sets people like you back in becoming fully accepted in society.
Please be kind in any replies, I’m doing my best to be kind and just trying to understand. I’m anything but a bigot and shutting down conversations doesn’t help anybody.
Thank you for this video! I'm doing a paper on male/female contraceptive pills and I wanted to include how gendered name pill could affect non-binary people. Yet, I couldn't properly grasp what non-binary entailed, you really helped develop my argumentation!
thats really cool! i do feel it not only affects nonbinary people, but also binary trans people too. calling periods something that only women get excludes women who dont menstruate, whether cis or trans, or men and non-binary people who menstruate
I'm trans with a non-conforming look, and while I'm not super on board with the binary, I could never see myself as non-binary. After watching my video, it's reaffirmed for me that there's not a whole lot to it and how you feel is just how you feel. I think it's a lot easier to be kind and accepting to those who have different experiences rather than try to interrogate and dissect them. You tend to learn more about people when they're comfortable around you.
I always struggle with talking about you/your videos with my family cause I’m Austrian so we speak German. There aren’t really neutral pronouns implemented here but I use xier (a mix of x as a placeholder, sie (female pronouns) and er (male pronouns)) and I hope that’s okay...?
Also, I have a hard time with getting constant questions thrown at me. Especially stuff like “what does it mean to be a woman” or “what does it mean to be a man”. And it makes me so uncomfortable... I just never know what to say. Any tips on how to handle situations like that?
"I don't know, this is what it means to be me" then stick your tongue out, do something silly. Or do something serious, depending on what it means to be you at that moment. Remember Contras joke "people ask me do you feel like a man or a women, and the answer is I feel like shit".
But if they are a bit open minded, getting them to laugh or be surprised then throwing back the question "what does it mean to be man/women for you" can get you into a nice philosophical exploration rather than the previous interrogation.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's so helpful. I have a young person in my life who recently came out as non-binary. I actually passed this on to them, because I thought they might find it helpful. It has certainly increased my understanding. 😀
I've been out as non-binary for 5 years now, but I'm still confused on the relationship between the opposing schools of thought that say gender is either biologically influenced or socially constructed. What are your thoughts on this?
Great video, btw!
I just have to say... You are a beautiful human being Luxander
Thank you for making this video. I have been very confused as to what nonbinary means and I think you explained it in terms anyone can understand. I am looking to understand so I can be respectful.
Thank you for this video, I'm currently trying to figure out if I'm nonbinary or if I'm GNC... it's still very confusing for me because I've been thinking back and remembering that as a child I did "want" to have a vulva (but I'm unsure if that was a result of being sexually abused as a child), and now I'm remembering that I always hated how big my body was developing because I wanted to be smaller, and "daintier" and feminine... I guess growing up I just accepted that I was a "boy" because that's what I was labeled by people and I never really felt the need to protest that (nor would I have felt comfortable doing so because my family is religious af) but now I'm also realizing that I do wish that people in the real world would perceive me and treat me more like a woman?
Sorry to unload all of this here, I think I just realized I'm nonbinary haha, I still have a lot more self discovery to go through but at least I'm taking steps in the right direction.
I just wanted to say thank you; I'm still trying to figure myself out, and your channel has been super useful for me, and for other people who are also struggling with their gender I'm sure :3 keep up the good work, Lux ^-^
This video is really interesting and whilst it has clarified some parts, I still have some confusion about non-binery people.
I think the part that confuses me most is, because it is such a broad term with such scope for variability, there is no "base level" to assess and build upon information from. I think with other lGBT+ communities, it is a bit easier to know what is ok or not, or at least easier to find out?
As a cishet person, I find it really difficult to comprehend what exactly goes through the minds and feelings of non-bindery folks. I think I get the disconnection, The sadness and that everyone experiences and expresses it in different ways. I just find trying to understand the full range of expression without a clear "it's like this" explaination is hard to grasp fully....doesn't stop me trying though.
I'm really sorry if my comment upsets anyone, this is really not my intent. I know it's not an easy subject to discuss or to clarify so thank you for helping me to understand more.
I can try to explain but idk if I can do it gracefully haha.🤗
So the first thing to talk about if trying to understand non-binary identities is what gender is. First of all, we can agree that gender and biological sex are two different things. Someone assigned male at birth can be something else than a man (like a woman or a non-binary person). That would make them trans. (That’s when your gender identity is different than what you’re assigned at birth). Gender is about how you see yourself, how others see you and the role you occupy socially. Gender is more complex than what we’re taught, but it’s not very complicated, it’s just different than genitals and it’s not black and white.
For me, I just know I’m non-binary. I was assigned female at birth and always tried my best to be myself as a female, but it isn’t possible. I could never be myself until I stopped thinking of myself as a woman, and then it just made sense. And man didn’t fit me either. It was that simple for me but everyone experiences gender differently.
Idk if that cleared up anything, you could look into gender studies and stuff to better understand maybe 😄
Haha yeah the difficult thing is that the whole point of nonbinary as a term is that it's very widely encompassing. I think what you might have to get used to is that with trans people in general, it's best to just ask each person how they would like to be referred to. It's like asking someone whether they have a preferred nickname. I think one of the great things about trans people becoming more accepted is that it normalizes paying more attention to each person's individual needs, even regardless of whether they're trans.
Do you think that there is a line when one exits the sides of a binary gender and enters the sea of non-binary? Or something you would call the beaches?
I don't want to believe that I am just looking to be special or something, but I have really been drawn to the topics of gender recently, mostly more recently been comfortable with things like transgender, which I was thinking was coming from insecurities of my own gender, and yet I was still curious on the subject before that. As a kid thinking it unfair that girls can wear pants and dresses, while boys can't, and being picked on for femininity, which things like my long nails probably did not help.
I was really curious about the subject of dysphoria for explaining why people transition, and there have been times where I kind of thought things could be better if I was a girl. A female me, that I mostly only just found ways to connect with as a part I always kept locked up from social pressures. And while only through thought experiments, think that as much as I understand the concept, I don't think that I would feel dysphoria if my body suddenly changed.
I am comfortable presenting the gender that I was born with, I just don't think it is a complete and accurate picture.
hey, I know that your comment was quite a while ago, but I'd be interested in your current thoughts on this if you would be willing to share.
@@jlake2247 Well, I do identify as non-binary, I have become more confident to see myself as such, and had some small movements in embracing it, although a lot has been reassessing how my gender feels, and what non-binary means to me.
I do think that if you are leaning into what I might have described as the beach of binary gender into non-binary, it is well worth exploring that side. But I also think that it is no good trying to define being non-binary from how it is to another person, there is a very large variance of how people can express or experience being non-binary, and while I might androgyny, I don't have to fit some other person's idea of it.
@@DuskyPredator thats pretty cool, I've recently found the label and don't really know where I fit under it, but I've started thinking that maybe I don't need a micro label to just be me. congrats on the growing confidence!
I dunno, I'm nonbinary and I've always thought of gender as floating around in a lake. But like a colorful one or something. It's kinda hard to really put my experience into words bc I identify as agender, so I don't even feel like I have one in the first place. But gender still feels like something that matters to me, so it's confusing. That's why I picture it as a lake, bc it's always moving and it's very fluid. I feel that maybe there are shorelines when it comes to strictly male or female, but there's always change that comes with that too.
Okay I think this is the first time I actually understood what gender is about
Gender Fluid might be worth mentioning since there’s a difference from other terms you have covered.
I'm exploring and/or questioning my gender, so I've just settled on non-binary if that makes any sense? I'm not out, but I'm wondering if I should be because the more I realize I'm enby, the more it feels like I need to address these things more. It's not so much that being AFAB and people calling me a "woman" bother me as much because I've been used to it, but I know personally that I'm not a woman. I've never known what it's like to be a woman. I never known what it's like to be a man either. Also character selections are the hardest thing in the world, like can't I have the best of male and female sex? Like the broad shoulders and the big hips? lol
Maybe I'm a bit fluid in my gender, that's why I've not been sure about HRT. I've been dysphoric from the thought of pregnancy, and maybe my ex is to blame a little bit, but I known I was dysphoric about that before him. It's hard bringing about these gender-like feelings to my mom when coming out of an abusive relationship and it's been almost a year, she keeps thinking it's something he's done to me. I know that he did affect my life a great deal, but I've always felt "like a guy" I guess is the best way to describe it. When I wear makeup and stuff like that, I feel like it's something that a woman should wear, not me. I do enjoy it from time to time, but I feel like I'm wearing it as some sort of drag/preformance rather than it being something that should look natural to me. I hope that's not offensive or anything, it's just what I feel. I know that you can't provide this perspective, but how can you be non-binary and christian? I'm a christian but I've just never agreed with gender roles, or don't really understand why we have them. Maybe I'm rambling a bit, but I think everyone should be able to have Jesus, no matter what gender or sexuality they are.
That bit at the end is reassuring. I'm AFAB, and started identifying as enby a couple years ago. But because I don't make much ado abt it, sometimes it feels like I'm a faker. Being refered to as "Ms" makes me uncomfortable, but I still love my dresses and skirts, and I'm painfully aware how feminine my body and features are, even as I mostly like them (still working on getting a half decent binder; my father refused me when I asked for one, but at this point it's either that or taking a knife to my chest and cutting off my breast). It's confusing. But like you said, just admiting to oneself what we are provides some relief.
It doesn't help that in Portugal there is NO choice of neutral pronouns, even objects have an assigned gender ("fork" is male, and "knife" is female, just because; and even as they ARE neutral words in meaning, "individual" uses masculine pronouns, and "person" uses feminine pronouns), and plurals too. The default "neutral" when speaking to a group is masculine pronouns. In recent years, at least in my college most professors do it, is to use the rule of majority to choose pronouns to refer to the class, but there's still the old one out that insists on addressing an audience of fifty gals with masculine pronouns because there's one (1) single guy in the middle. There is not the comfort of a neutral "they" to take refuge behind, pick a side. I try to phrase sentences in ways that don't require genderizing anything at all, but when that fails (because verbs are also gendered! Even in first-person! Joy!) I either take refuge in accent or use masculine pronouns. I'm not gonna bother correcting strangers that address me as "Ms"; they are being polite, it's what I look like, and there is honestly no alternative. If I couldn't convince my parents to stop refering exclusively to my femininity when paying compliments (and harmful femininity at that, the fatshaming, dear gods, if my ribs aren't showing I'm too fat; if they compliment me on been thin it means I gotta gain weight), I cannot convince a stranger. My mother even complains that I gained "too much muscle" with martial arts, even though I look more feminine with muscle, even more feminine than her, because of the added curves. At this point I just throw my hands up and say "Boomers". The less I tell them about myself the less arguments we have. As much as I believe their love is true, that doesn't stop them being toxic af.
This is a good explanation of what it's like to be a non-binary trans person.
Thank you for what you said, near the end, about nonbinary people not having to dress a certain way to be valid. I have felt a lot of pressure to “give up” a lot of my feminine traits in my appearance to somehow be valid as, or convince others I am, nonbinary me. You reminded me that I don’t owe anyone androgyny to validate my gender experience.
All that to say.... I’m going to keep painting my nails lol
This is really interesting. You explain this with so much clarity. Thank you for educating me.
That erasure you mentioned -- that does happen to binary trans people too, just nowhere near as often as it happens to nonbinary people.
I'm a cis woman, so all of this is very far from my experiences. There are a lot of things I don't quite understand yet, it's very confusing. But I'm still doing my research to try to broaden my mind, and be more accepting of differences.
I'm a nonbinary pansexual thanks for the encouragement and knowledge of what I am. You and Jimmy Snow have helped me so much.
I think you did an amazing job of describing how gender isn't esoteric and how there are physical reasons for dysphoria. Thanks!
Thanks. I'm a cis guy dating a NB AFAB. It's been a learning experience.
Hello I just wanted to say you are a very beautiful person from the inside out. I hope you find all the happiness you deserve. Thank you for sharing your videos.
I have a non-binary friend now and I'm trying to learn more. Your video has been the most detailed and thorough so far. The physicality of thought is really interesting.
i personally use the term 'genderfluid'. my parents just think i'm very boyish but i don't think they mind if i tell them that i'm genderfluid.
Thank you for this video Lux, definitely shed some light on my situation with my child.
I have a question. Luxander, you mention that its hurtful/painful to be categorized as male or female, but then at 15:53 you say its annoying to you that people call you androgynous when your goal is to seem fairly masculine. Can you elaborate? As a person new to trying to understand this term and the feelings that go along with it , i thought i was getting it until you said that and then it really confused me. For example, if i were interacting with you personally and on a friendly level, would i simply use gender neutral terms in our conversation? How would i know that you preferred to be recognized as "fairly masculine"? Is that a conversation that we would have as the friendship evolves? Thanks so much for all your insight :-) grut
I'm nonbinary and I'm 100% open about that in my personal life, but because society sucks I present masculine and go by he/him in some spaces because that's the closest thing to acceptance I can get. I violently don't want to be gendered female, so I overcorrect the other direction because it sucks somewhat less
It's getting to a point where people can't tell my AGAB though, which makes me feel less like I need to work so hard to not be gendered female
Fellow NB expressing gratitude for making this video so i can send to my relatives instead of having to spend energy explaining!!! ❤️
Showing this to my mom so that she can understand better and she is she asking very good questions you put very well into words thank you for this video
I’m a social worker and this vid is informative since I had a course in Gender sexuality for my BS in Psychology degree & in social work degree we only covered gender dysmorphia thanks I never know who I might come across that may be non-binary
This is so, so good. Very chill, thoughtful, and charitable.
I want all my boomer relatives to see this vid lol
I am really trying to figure this out for family member's sake. So when someone refers to you as Sir or Ms, I don't think anyone is trying to hurt you, I think we are all confused as well. OK but having said that, I understand you feel somewhere in-between. So If a person feels in-between but you have male genitalia do you prefer to date males or females and visa Versa? I also wondering how your family is dealing with this? I have no trouble with family members being Gay, but if my youngest family member who might be trans, decided to identify as the opposite I will feel like I lost who they were as a child. Does that make sense, so while I do not know what will happen yet as they are very young yet, I want to understand and be ready? But no matter what I will love them and always support them. I think you are very brave to make this video, I applaud you.
Not entirely! I think when people transition they tend to not lose their entire identity. It will most likely just feel like a different version of them. Similar to how your 20 year old child will be different to your 2 year old child.
If you’re a computer geek, “Qubit” would be a good name for non-binary.
As i am understanding myself and exploring my gender identity. Its like i dont like to be overly fem and im not overly masculine either. I dont enjoy having long hair as a fem, but i dont want to have a “traditionally” masculine haircut either. Androgynous look too. I like to look powerful and assertive with confidence but i dont want to be called a man or sir or she its confusing to me as i never questioned my sex growing up but its very distressing
Okay, so I'm currently doing a bunch of learning in gender topics, I had a friend years ago tell my I was gender fluid, and I was all like "okay, most importantly I am me, it's not like I can have my ideal body anyways".
I present fairly cis on average, even though my friend called me out, they were the only one.
It's interesting seeing other people's ideas on this stuff, I've never really had it hard, but I like my body, and I think it looks best cis presenting, so I've also just been assumed cis, and that was fine.
But this rabbit hole of trans and NB RUclips has definitely got me thinking, I should be more picky, just to help normalize the idea
I'm beginning to question my own gender. I feel pretty certain that I am not Trans, because I feel comfortable in my physical body, but when it comes my my expression, I strongly prefer masculine expression. (I'm dfab btw.)
And I feel it's not as simple as liking guys clothes either. Like I'm pretty sure I've experienced gender euphoria, looking at myself and seeing a guy.
I dont know. Halp. .u.
Edit: it's been a year since I wrote this post, and a year since I started testosterone. I can definitively say I am transmasculine and bigender. Thank you so much Luxander for helping me figure myself out. 💗
Thank you so much for this explanation! This really solidified my idea of what Non-Binary means. You put it in very understandable words!
Natalie brought me to this channel. You're great. I could hear your voice for hours ♥️
This video was pretty helpful to understand what non binary people go through and how they feel. I have been wondering tho, can a NB person be, for example, a lesbian? What do you call a NB person who's only into a specific gender?
This is just curiosity, really, I'd appreciate some insight!
I've subscribed. You're wonderful & delightful & articulate & talented & I'll stop before you get too flattered or think I'm hitting on you, I'm not, I'm just stating facts.
I wondered after the first 3 minutes how much more could be added to the definition given at the beginning, but I loved the discourse on DYSPHORIA & how nonbinary is under the Trans (identity) umbrella in that you reject the binary gender assigned to you. Very relevant/helpful.
Thank you for the thorough and personal explanation. Mentally I consider myself as "neutral", though biologically I'm female and alright with it. If I think of being born as male instead I think I'd also be alright. *shrug
I'm sorry to find out some people experience such distress when it comes to their gender and I'm all for using whichever pronoun the individual would prefer. Honestly I think they/them should be the norm unless otherwise preferred.
Interestingly enough I've also had slightly elevated androsterone levels after puberty, so it seems as if my body is in line with the blurred lines as well 🙃
This video is extremely useful and informational, I'm gonna send it to people who ask me about the topic, thank you and keep making such videos
I think you covered this quite well. The notion that this is physical is important.
question: I hope I don't offend I just want to understand. You said you like they them. What is a formal way to address you? I'm from the south and we address everyone with yes mam no mam or sir. How should we address you with that kind of formality? What's a good way to address random people? I want to be accepting of others I don't want to contribute to other's pain. thank you for sharing your story.
There's not really a good equivalent in formality, but if you're looking to fill the semantic gap, I'd go with "friend"
@@MusingMoss oh I like friend. that's a great term thank you! ill try to make that a habit.
I found you through Riley Grace Roshong, and just wanted to say I appreciate your videos. 😊❤️
Thank you for your video but i find it very complicated to keep track of all of the terms. Not your fault, I am from the Midwest. ❤️