STOP BEING NICE SO YOU CAN BE KIND
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - Nice Vs Kind
02:15 - Examples
04:04 - Affirmation
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Being "nice" is often a combination of people-pleasing and self-sacrifice patterns that we need to heal from. Being kind, on the other hand, honors both ours and the other person's uniqueness and boundaries. Stopping being nice doesn't mean that we'll suddenly turn into a rude and aggressive person. It means that we'll finally start expressing our true selves and quit trying to manage other adults' emotions
Self-sacrifice...yes, we also have the savior complex.😢
🎯
I get the point, however I'm not truly convinced by It, because I'm not convinced that your true self is something you should show to everyone, but to a very limited group of people, and even then not entirely. I'm a very manipulative person, and showing my true self once isn't a problem, but controling my manipulation impulses and showing my true self at once for a long period of time certainly is exahusting both for me and the person I'm being with, It would damage our relation.
Nonetheless I do not have a better alternative and know that because an option is flawed doesn't mean its not better than other alternatives and thus your point IS more valid than mine since your point is a solution and mine is a problem.
I have a very bad habit of people pleasing, which I am working on with my therapist. It's not easy to get through the thoughts that I'll be disappointing someone. Or the possibility of them getting upset if I say no, especially someone I love very dearly.
Beautifully explained!
Affirmation: Adults are capable being disappointed. I take care of ME. I don’t need to be everything to everyone.
Also, adults are capable of responding in a healthy way to disappointment and I’m not responsible for regulating their emotion about my actions to take care of myself.
Oh, that's a great addendem!!
Omg
"Keep your cup always full and share with the world whatever overflows"
And it's important to learn it's okay to sometimes feel guilty during the process.
Is Jeff Bezos cup about to overflow any time soon?
Well feel guilt if you purposefully wrong someone. But don't promise to be all things to all people in the first place so you won't feel guilty. Say yes and mean it, say no and mean it.
I love that quote. Thank you!
@@misottovoceBuddha said that
@@gsherk6978 Oh, thank you!
I've learned not to like the word 'nice' because it is really associated with people pleasing, manipulation, phoniness, and fitting in without being true to yourself. Nice people have no or little boundaries. They can not help but build up resentment and feeling being taken advantage of. They seek other people's approval and appreciation. That is the motivation and intention for them being nice. This is letting other people to determine your own self-worth. Detrimental move.
I practice kindness these days. Start with myself. Then to others.
It is important for people, especially women to learn to say no without being feeling guilty.
As a healing resentful people-pleaser, I think this distinction is so powerful ❤
Same
so hard to not be resentful when we're always putting ourself last! Happy that you have healed this area! ❤
I was raised to be nice. Been about 2 decades of exercising kindness, with a lot of pushback from others! Even little things like getting a text, "Hey, we're all at this place, you should come here now too," and I repeatedly try to teach them, "I'm in the middle of something. I'm not going to drop everything and rush to where you are. Make me part of the PLAN next time and I'd be happy to attend." They don't like it and sometimes I feel like a jerk for it, but I'm holding firm to my boundaries and respecting my own plans for the day
@jubolumps666...People pleasing syndrome. ....my issue, 'til last few years. In my 60's learned to be assertive, not rude, but not with the door mat laid out, for the walk-on. One's self-esteem improves, and we stand taller. Thanks for the reminder...good luck to you.
Your INDUCED selfishness...might have left you from experiencing something of a lifetime.....old saying...Opportunity KNOCKS ONCE...your therapist is training you to ignore your gut feelings and say GO AWAY rather than answer the door
@@mikecamps7226 false. inaccurate. baseless. obtuse. Go live your life the way you want, Mike, and don't presume to tell me I'm living mine incorrectly. Good day now.
@@jumbolumps666 HA, I have a friend who had his own full practice and his aspect...he paid his staff and was the last in line to get paid......because you need people to come BACK and a revenue stream. Needless to say, He ended his practice and went into another business and became very well known. People catch on to having to pay to be a friend....just saying. Is it being NICE or KIND ?? Since I spoke up.....or is it that YOU want to control a narrative and Your EGO
@@jumbolumps666 since I have no credentials...try Dr. Peter Gotzsche....who speaks reality My Dear
Stopping the people-pleasing allowed me see WHY / how I developed this trait as a survival coping mechanism. I had to confront all the shadow behind the people-pleaser mask. That was rough. But now I’m on the road to recovery, meeting my own needs directly rather than trying to unconsciously get them met through others.
It feels like a real transition to adulthood. For me I can see how people pleasing kept me locked in a childlike/ powerless mindset.
Whatever need you were trying to get met by the people pleasing…identify them and meet them yourself consciously. ✌🏼
Affirmation: Adults are capable of being disappointed. I don’t need to be everything to everyone.
Kindness is from the heart and is not forced like being nice is forced upon us.
Being kind to me matters the most. Being nice gets confused with being a doormat, used, manipulated and in the end feeling empty. It took me a long time to say "Fuck Being Nice!" I learned that having boundaries means no is a full sentence, that if a relationship is conditional on me being nice forget it. My horses taught me that being nice gets you run over but being kind and respectful creates space for both to just be.
Hi Aaron, I love horses and had my only close contact at a camp age 9. for one week. How do the horses teach this. Is it their natural way of being.
Animals are fantastic teachers of this difference. My dog and cat, both seniors and needing routine maintenance 😊, have made it very clear. They will often get upset with me, baths, nail clips, even putting a sweater on (my little dude is 18 and gets cold really easily)but it wouldn’t be kind to limit their time here because they were allowed to do something that could hurt them, or because their health declined or they had discomfort because I wanted to be nice.
Yes, they are who they are, check out a book called Riding between the worlds.@@LAgifts1
i heard my mom's bf talking to his co worker on the phone saying "just blame him, he's timid and won't do nothing lol" i just don't understand how people live with themselves being like that and taking advantage of nice people.
I used to be nice, and I think the “used to be” is why almost all of the relationships in my life have fallen away; I started learning to be kind instead and apparently not everyone liked that, which is fine, because I feel better about myself now than I ever have. It can still be challenging at times, and I’ve learned that being kind to myself is the only way I can truly be kind to others. ❤
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I'm in the same boat. While I haven't fully let go of the people pleasing niceness, I have started making my boundaries clear and such, and that caused a lot of people to no longer be my friend.
What others think about us is none of our business.
When we're focused on doing the right things and being authentic, we're less concerned about other people's opinions of us.
We know who we are and have nothing to prove.
I agree but at first is a fierce fight against our inner critic and some hidden parts of our subconcious mind.
I was conditioned since I was a child to be a people pleaser aka a "Nice Person", and basically was punised and resented for every negative emotion I displayed when I was overwhelmed or didnt want to do something. This way I learned that my emotions and boundaries are not valid. I had a burnout this year ( because of course I overdid it at work and everywhere else) and went to a clinic. There I had a great therapist who suspects that this lack of boundaries was why I developed OCD in my teens, and suffer from it to this day. It was a way to ease anger or frustration. A kind of self-punishment to regulate my emotions in situations where I felt that I had no power. It was my way to say "No" to the world, when I couldnt otherwise. Thats why its so important to make Children aware thats it is ok to say no to certain things, and dont guilttrip them to obey despite them being uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
Your comment resonates with me very much. I hadn't thought of my OCD as being a form of self punishment before- it is interesting for me to consider that as a possibility. I have had 3 burnouts since age 21- I am now 55. Overall I manage really well but taking some time out just now to heal my mind & body. Exercise, fresh air, long walks, healthy eating, reading, relaxing. So important to keep balance in our lives to stop things from building up. I used to feel guilty doing this but it is absolutely essential. Otherwise our cortisol levels go through the roof which is damaging to the nervous system. Please take good care of yourself ❤
@@gillianm9367 Hey, I read you comments just now. Thanks for your Kind words. Its always good to See that you are Not alone. I am sorry to hear that you had so many Burnouts already, but I am glad to hear that you are taking good care of yourself. I have startled exercising too and I am still on Stick-leave and hope to finally get into a work-rehabilitation program to Start fresh.
The Thing with my OCD (washing OCD) is that my therapist said some behaviour are a-typical. For example when there is blood some where I only have a reaction when its from an "unknown" Person from outside. When its from a Person I know and love, like Friends and family I dont mind touching it by accident. I also dont have this Problem with animals blood (even wild animals) . Strangely I also am Not afraid about infecrious deseases, because I have a good friend with an highly infecrious desease and I am still Not triggered of being around him. Its just the "strange people" Part for me. This is why my therapist suspects that those body fluids are a mere Symbol for me, about unknown people being potentially dangerous to me, because I have been in bullying Situations as a kid. I cant beat the thought of my Personal space being compromized by someone. Thats at least what the therapist thought. So every day transition from outside to home is the hardest for me. I am currently in a Phase where my self esteem is very Low because I am Not yet back at work and Not able to "people please" as much. I still feel anxious and guilty about taking time to myself. I suspect you know that feeling to?
Anyway, take care ❤️
@@blackhagalazDefinitely don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself- I did the same until I realised 2 things- 1) if I had the choice between not having OCD and never being off sick OR having OCD and taking sick leave from work I know I'd definitely choose the first option! AND
2) taking time to yourself is crucial for your health and wellbeing.
I understand completely about some things triggering you whilst others don't and I think that is the same for people who don't have OCD, for example most people will be ok sharing drinks/food with friends/family but wouldn't accept a half eaten sandwich from a stranger 😅 I think that's quite sensible and logical.
Something which may help the transition from outside to inside the home is keeping your personal space free from clutter. I find clutter can overwhelm me so I keep my home as tidy and organised as possible. That way even if I have a bad day feeling 'unclean' I can relax more in a streamlined environment. I find minimalist and decluttering videos on RUclips very helpful for this.
Its actually a positive sign that you miss being away from work- it is healthy for us to interact with other people and give/receive positive feedback. Don't rush back before you are ready though- I found working part-time was beneficial for me. Take care😊❤
I’ve had a bad habit of feeling like I “should” say yes unless I have a “good enough” reason to say no. No being a complete sentence is hard. Definitely need to work on that.
Used to be nice, proceeded into resentful, made it to the kind ❤
I'd say the main difference I see is I'm nice to you _so that you like me_ (so it's about me), vs I'm kind to you _so that you feel better_ (it's genuinely about you), even if it doesn't make you like me (including giving you boundaries).
Thank you for this, it REALLY resonated! 🙏❤️
I was trained to be a "people pleaser" from an early age just to survive. At age 61, I'm still unaware of what my needs really are, or that I'm even allowed to have any of my own emotional needs! 😳
you can look at a needs chart to help you
Same with me, 60 years old . Be seen and not heard... talking was skiteing, feelings were selfish... ended up withdrawn all my life.
@rupinderh01 please advise were to find a needs chart ?
@@seachel24 i found one on etsy
@@seachel24 Google, babe
I'm glad this popped in my feed. I've spent most of my life being nice. Ironically I would be mean at the most inopportune times.
In recent years I've been forced (due to developing a chronic illness and suffering losses) to change my approach.
Such a good video! Made myself sick being nice for years.
The key word in that affirmation is “‘adults’ are capable of being disappointed”… however, oftentimes we are dealing with emotionally immature adults (think children) and/or we ourselves may have some emotional maturing to do - which makes disengaging and disentangling so much more difficult (though not impossible), Especially if it’s a parent or sibling who has behaved this way their entire life. Thank you for this visual, very helpful.
I am finally thinking about myself and my needs for a change, spent my whole life putting everyone else first to be "nice". All it did was keep me miserable and no one cared anyway, no more!
I struggle so much with this that my highschool counselor kept trying to explain the concept of self- compassion "Put your own oxygen mask first, before the 'baby'".
I couldn't wrap my head around putting myself first before others. I still struggle with this, it's just now I get burn off so quickly and resentful, that no one is reciprocate the same kindness I give to others. But yet I don't believe I am worthy to receive such in return.
Part of our inner critic is made of the voices of our narcissistic parents. That's why when we do good to ourselves, we don't feel good. It goes against our programming.
You’re are worthy as much as anyone else
Oh I feel this. When I do check in and want to back out of committments since I can no longer feel energetic about them, I feel really bad. Like I just want to close off from dealing with anyone
Hello, beautiful human. I am glad you are recognizing this as unhealthy, even if you struggle to break free from it.
The oxygen mask is a good analogy. You probably don't encounter such extreme situations often, but the logic remains - if you don't take care of yourself first, you're risking both of your lives.
You want to give yourself away. You want to be selfless, you want to be generous. _That's a good thing. You are a good person._ The rest is simply a _manual on how to do that._ If you take good care of yourself, if you keep your cup full, you will be surprised to find you have a lot more resources in you to give away to others.
If you love yourself, you don't need everybody else to validate you. If you fulfil your own needs, you can then give all the rest to others without fear. A bit counterintuitive perhaps, but putting yourself first *is* how you love others best.
@@Danka42 thank you for taking the time to write this! I feel you put into words what I'm trying to understand: how to be a 'good person' (not being selfish, putting the collective first) while still getting your own needs met. If 'being nice' has become your default it's hard to change this, especially because people around you are used to the old you and will give you a lot of pushback if you try to change.
I screenshotted your comment for the moments I need the reminder 😉
Synchronicity.
I was just verbalizing to a friend earlier about something and I said I'm nice. But then I changed it to kind. And at the moment I just felt the difference but I had not yet articulated it in language. So this was spot on for me! Power to the Peaceful
I say I'm KIND, in that I act from integrity. I will say no, I notice when my needs are more of an immediate priority... but I do have to work on that, because I can also default to hypervigilance and "eggshell-walking" and saying YES when it's a NO. I often push past discomfort for fear of consequence... because most of the time I haven't had the safety or security to advocate fully for myself.
Well said😊
Being kind especially to yourself and letting the shame and guilt go, is such a difficult but necessary process to reconnect with your true self ❤
Chronic migraines have been my wake-up call to releasing “nice”, people pleasing has not gone down without a fight. I now know the only way is self-care, boundaries, and trusting that others can be responsible for taking care of themselves. Thank you Dr. Nicole, spot on as always💖💖
I wish you the best in your healing ❤
I'm a nice guy trying to learn to be kind. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover is a great book on this subject.
I was brought up being taught “Jesus first, Others next, Yourself last = Joy” At 58 years old, I feel I have finally turned the corner 💖 xxx
I would honestly struggle to see the glimmers I hope when people said “okay” to my boundaries , but their conditioning body would resist the shift, and then later be blindsided it would seem later, when I’d get the “anxious” text, or the abrupt ghosting, or angry text bc I wasn’t being “nice” and being everything to a person, or available like I was as a chronically known “pleaser”. Healing from sexual trauma, with boundaries protected me. I am okay with disappointment and it’s bringing people in my life who actually honor and value me as my authentic self. ❤
@@michaelrogue4513Absolutely, as we go forward on the journey, we attract people into our lives who truly respect us and our boundaries, it’s all part of the healing xxx
Ugh, I feel this and I’m still trying to recover from that teaching.
There is a difference between being 'of service' to those in need and being 'in servitude' to everyone.
Christianity is false. A religion for narcissists.
I am evolving into kindness after a lifetime of being nice 😊 I was also the scapegoat and it took 59 years to get here 😅 always a work in progress🎉
I noticed that I was “nice” and I’ve been working on the reprogramming the people-pleasing. But this hit right in the nail, I want to be kind. I want to do things for people out of love and not because I have to override my own well being trying to prove that I’m good hearted. Thank you!
Thank you for pointing out this difference. I feel validated. I used to tell my students when they complained I was mean, that nice simply translates to letting them do whatever they want without consequence and I never said I was nice. Fair, firm, respectful but never nice. I told them I was being kind by instituting boundaries and helping them learn lessons they would need when they were considered adults in just a few short years because I wanted them to never have their options limited, simply because they didn’t have the skills or outlook needed to succeed.
Well done. It would be a dis service to them to not have a standard to meet. Wanting to get along and be nice to avoid discomfort always eventually leads to a outcome of disappointed,
Resentment and dis connection. I can understand in a group/ class situation that numbers can seem overwhelming, as when one person decides to push the issue and try to attempt to avoid the necessary work that is needed, and gets allowed to do that - it gives the heads up to the remaining participants that they too can ‘slack’ off or cause issues. It’s similar to allowing or encouraging some one to cheat… at the end of the day all they have done is betrayed and let themselves down… and then they feel lesser than… or shamed through to full toxic shame. Setting standards allows a fair playing ground for all and those who apply themselves and achieve in a honest and hardworking way get to increase their self esteem and their self worth . Isn’t that what any well rounded , decent individual would want for themselves and others?
Nice person learning to be a kind person. It’s a transition and an adjustment to continue to exercise but I’m getting there.
I'm currently in this weird transitional stage of having grown up taught to be nice and am slowly learning how to be kind
I remember my "no more nice" moment when I needed tonset a boundary with a disrespectful coworker who was playing victim and taking advantage of my desire to "help'. One of the best days of my life.
Took me many years to understand this. At times, it’s still a struggle to give up my “niceness”, and just simply be kind. Thanks
I grew up raising my younger siblings because my parents were unreliable. I was putting a lot of my time and energy into it, and yet I knew I wasn't doing a good enough job, but I didn't know that that was because I myself was a child and needed care and support from actual adults. Not this pattern is deeply entrenched in me and manifests in my relationships. Thank you for this video. It does put certain things into perspective. I realize that a big part of my identity is tied into people pleasing and I don't know who I would be without it, which provides an additional challenge. I'll try to figure it out though. One step at a time.
its a learning curve, fortunately there is so much info out there. Start with being still sitting quietly til your mind is not thinking and you are breathing deeply and slowly. Clarity will provide you a view of your inner self. Who you are, who you always were and will be. Let this be a constant anchor, and all will be revealed in your own time, as you grow. Journaling is a great practise too.
@LAgifts1 Thank you for that!🙏 I'm actually getting into both of those practices and also affirmations too.
I'm still a people's pleaser although I try not to but I still find myself over explaining and over sharing. I guess it must be because I have been blamed so much and so unfairly demonized. Being silent with people makes me feel uneasy too.
Sometimes I wonder if I have adhd but syntoms overlap with cptsd.
I feel better thought since I made my mantra this sentence: "rejection is God's protection". Anyway, I feel invisible when I have a need to speak with people and when I don't I become a magnet for narcissists; they have a sense for when can bother me the most.
I thought recently that no one ever called Jesus (the greatest man who ever lived “nice” The Bible describes him as many good things, but not “nice. In Galatians 5:22,23, “being nice” is not mentioned as part of the fruit of Gods spirit. That was a powerful reminder for me, and also that He was known for his kindness, so that’s my goal. No more being nice 😊
I had a new neighbor come to my yard and ask me if I was nice. I had never spoken to them before. I thought this is a strange question and I responded, "it depends"
I didn't think my response it just happened. That was almost 20 year ago now. If someone tells me they are nice, I run. I have no tolerance for nice people and their services are not welcome in my world.
Mostly because respect comes from within. If someone won't respect themselves the ripple effects are extremely damaging to everyone involved.
Thank you for this. I’m currently exiting a marriage where I was nice to the extreme, and now I see how that did not serve me or the person I was with ultimately.
Why is this so true! Narcissistic people will keep you from being kind, in the name of being nice.
I wish I had these lessons as a child, but I am so grateful to get them now. Thank you for kindly sharing all this information with us.
Mind blown 😮 80% nice 20% kind
That statement about niceness leads to resentment because you constantly abandon yourself. That was powerful
I dont understand self care... i confuse it with being selfish, not humble, etc...
Honestly after years of neglect, I struggled with this too. Sometimes people use the terms interchangeably and you end up confused. But the way I see it now is that you can never pour from an empty cup. You got to have a great relationship with yourself to have a good relationship with other people. It’s a process.
good point. I feel like I sometimes confuse/mix "the gospel"/scripture with psychology. I want to be kind and caring, but then think "kindness is weakness".. which leads to conditional "love"...than leads to resentment for people not reciprocating.....I dont want to be human anymore!!!
@@kiaray00
What works for me is trying to see me and talk to myself as if I was my best friend.
I ask myself the question: would you say that to someone you love? And the answer is no. That helps me to have compassion to myself.
Seeing it as “selfish” or “not humble” are words of judgment, and who is judging you? No one should be judging you. Self-care means you are looking after yourself, and no one can judge that. You have a right to stand tall and know what is good for you. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else will either. I can relate to the “selfish” thing, but it is not true. Just years of programming telling you that. Good luck xxx
I always tell people I’m kind not nice, but people take kindness as a weakness and that’s when I have to check people.
This reminds me of something that just recently happened at work. A coworker went out of her way to do something but became resentful and snappy about helping me out. Even though I thanked her I later told her(politely) not to help me again if it meant putting her in a bad mood. Don’t do people favors expecting anything in return if you’re doing something do it out of the kindness of your heart.
It’s so true. With fawning as my core adaption I just became a very sad admin assistant when I hate phones and need space.
The etymology of nice = foolish, ignorant, unaware.
Thank you. I needed this. I have to consistently remind myself of this as I created a habit to be nice vs being kind as most of us have and I struggle with the thought of disappointing others. I had someone tell me for the first time to stop people pleasing and I was so honored that someone cared enough to notice and correct me.
I am kind.
I’m nice. But working on saying no to others and yes to me , slowly …. Finally it’s taken only 50 years to start living my life
I'm a recovering nice person. I'm working to be blended. Even so I've lost ( and had to let go ) of quite a lot of friends in the process of trying to look out for myself more. Oh btw. Your channel is really good... You make everthing you do so simple to understand. Big thanks from the Pete.
congrats on healing this! ❤
I used to be nice,but I being used by people. 😮 Now IRealise I need to be kind towards Myself😊😊😮Ohh Thank you...
You hit the nail on the head so hard even Thor was impressed. No nail is safe.
I've noticed how customers on the phone have changed now that I've started to be more "kind/firm" instead of "nice." I once told a customer I was in no way trained to help her, but I was all she had and I'd stay on the phone with her the whole way through. She praised me for my ability to solve the problem in the end, but I had no idea what she did. It was all her. I've now started to realize not just how mentally I am, but the world. They're really out here calling tech support for emotional support and it's heartbreaking.
This is extremely helpful. I have been tackling this difference for about 3 months. I was circling between the two for years until I was depleted by niceness. Kindness has been very empowering.
Thank you for explaining these things. I was taught that I had to please mom and step-dad as well as my 2 siblings as well as sacrifice for them, incl. if little sis wanted something of mine, I should hand it over. She still believes that, and she is now 58 years old. I am endeavoring to heal myself and haven't seen her since covid... I call her to wish her Merry Christmas every year. I was too sick one Christmas to call, and I didn't hear from her at all. I wished her a happy birthday in May and she hadn't been in touch with me all that time, and I realized that I was always the one who called every 6-8 weeks and on holidays... Now, I reach out to her on her birthday and possibly on Christmas, but I don't mention visiting or anything else and it has been so nice, not to be giving her everything she wants because she goes into manipulation mode, if I don't automatically hand it over when she tells me it is something she likes. After my mom died, she even took the things mom had said were mine. My brother who always took her side over mine because she wouldn't do anything like that admitted that he knew mom had told him about some of the items being for me. I was amazed because usually I hear... I already heard her side and that's all I need to hear. He learned to say that from both mom and our stepdad... It has gone on since I was 8 years old, I don't know what I did to be the black sheep of the family starting when I was only 8, but it must have been bad. Step-dad came into family when I was 8, but that is all I know. I am the child that didn't do drugs, drink, smoke, or cuss. I barely even dated... I had to laugh when step-dad told me that I had made him think it was going to be easy to raise my siblings! I guess Karma is a B-(au)tch... Yes, I do cuss some these days, but it is so seldom that eyebrows raise when I do...😅 I am a people pleaser and I need to heal... Thank you again for explaining the difference between nice and kind. Perhaps that is why some people tell me I am the nicest person they know, yet never seem to reach out to be friends, or, like me, they just don't know how...
It’s a great idea to think “kindness”, in reacting to others, which also includes your needs. Being nice is like being a mat that everyone rubs their dirty shoes on. Thanks for making your video.
It's so hard to even acknowledge my people-pleasing patterns, let alone try to change them. But I try my best to remember that it's a necessary journey, not just for my own well-being, but so that I can continue being there for the people I want to be there for, in a more sustainable way. You can't be there for anyone if you're not there for yourself first.
“Nice” people are like candy for narcissists… narcs just love nice people…. Found that out the hard way.
I am a recovering people pleaser. It feels so empowering to put myself first and speak up 🎉
Used to be a nice doormat like most of the women I grew up watching. Definitely kind now! ❤
Exactly! Kindness is healthy.
When there is a realization that self-care is not being a B**** there can be some of both! Stay strong & true to who you are! Watch out for people who label you, love you & know your worth❤❤❤
Self centered and selfish are not two sides of the same coin. They aren’t even within the same currency system. Unfortunately, people have taken it to the extreme to mean that any consideration to yourself is bad. Taking the last food item that you know someone loves out of spite and refusing to replenish it is not the same as feeling no guilt for taking the last of something you both enjoy and then later replacing it. While you cannot solely focus on yourself (selfish), upholding your own boundaries, taking care of yourself, and making decisions that impact you with considerations for your own benefit (self centered) is not inherently bad. Many people who are used to weaponizing this, don’t like it when you start putting your foot down.
I used to be nice, but now I'm kind, firstly to myself then others. Always in that order, no exceptions, anyone who has an issue with that, doesn't need to be in my life. 🤷🏾♀
Seems like nice = kind - personal boundary
This is the clearest and easiest to understand explanation I've encountered so far and exactly what I've been looking for, thank you so much!!
I was a people pleaser until I wasn’t getting a respectful “thank you” when I gave hundreds and hundreds of dollars to my cousin. And her daughter did the same thing when i bought her one year old a birthday present. No acknowledgment at all.
Being nice is draining, being kind is energizing. That is the marker I use.
Nice here. Growing up girls were trained/rewarded for being “nice little girls”
Adults are capable of being disappointed. I take care of me. I don’t need to be everything to everyone. Thank you. I am adding this to my affirmations. 💝
I was raised to be nice. I am learning how to come out of that and several toxic and Narcissistic relationships. I am 7.5 months into radically changing my life! I am recreating my life andy world! I am learning a lot and your channel is helping me especially on the days and moments I am overwhelmed and struggling. Thank you.
So a kind person will kindly honor her limits and boundaries as she refuses some food to a starving man on the street knowing that she can't please everyone, and if he starves to death she will kindly forgive herself because she knows it's ok to feel guilty. Got it.
I absolutely struggle with being a nice person and setting boundaries. I’ve been working on fixing that lately
You can be kind ans still disappoint someone and it's ok, it's ok not to be liked by everyone.
Yes!! I wish I learned this a long time ago!
I wish these simple and yet profound truths you so clearly explained could be taught in school instead of all those often useless things they teach.
I've been nice all my life, I was brought up to be nice. But now I'm trying to heal from it and be kind.
I'm a blend of both...I start out kind and then when boundaries get pushed...I turn Nice...then I stay there until I had enough...and then reboot and start all over again...
Yes, moving towards becoming SELF-FULL and not feeling selfish for it. Its taking a while but I'm learning.
I’m everything only for my self, i release to be everything for everyone! I’m my own responsibility and so does others for their own! Taking care of me is my first duty on this earth, and helping other come from space of kindness, whenever i feel call to do it
I'm a little bit of both. With boundaries and enough insight to impose boundaries when necessary. Being kind is a health benefit to the body as well as the mind. So be kind and have a nice day.
I used to be nice. Then I got so sick I had to start taking care of me because I literally could only sleep and go to the bathroom - that was my life for a long time. I had a difficult time letting go of being nice. I’ve been focusing on turning into a kind person over the last 8 years. Now I’m more kind than nice though I still let myself down sometimes.
As a recovering self-confessed 'people-pleaser', this definitely resonates with me. It gets easier the older one gets. I'm turning 50 this year and I've only been on this journey from being 'nice' to 'kind' since around 2019 or so. I think to be fair, I'm a little blending of both in some instances, but I'm DEFINITELY not like I used to be! 😉
Blend of both... leaning more heavily towards Kind, occasionally faltering to Nice. Boundaries was a big lesson.
Yeah,
I learnt to be kind to myself via being nice for myself
Having been used for all my talents and energy and honesty by nearly everyone through my life up to the age of 28 years old, I'm sometimes "eager" to progress and slip into nice for others (work mostly) injury follows, this second time has concreted the lesson (karma) it's a balancing act I'm making my priority (now 53 years old)
It would appear that if you tell people, should they ask, where your at, some of them see dismantling you as their mission, especially men, and their women folk act like the winged monkey, I feel sorry for those women, so depraved and empty, I'm blessed 😇 my cup continue to be refilled to runeth over!
❤
TY friends
we really need a video about how to set boundaries ✋
I used to be nice, but I healed. Now I am kind and happier. Thanks Nicole for this video. ❤🙋♀️🙏
It's so funny because I made that transition about 4 years ago. I felt a little guilt and selfish at first, but the more I practiced it, the easier it became.
Love these short videos, they are simple and helpful! Thank you from a nice person who is trying to become kind
I take care of me. This is something an old coworker who shared her therapy and school study psychology with me. Very good reminder.
As the years passed, I’ve grown into a nice person ❤
I'm the nice therapist and I'm aware that it's not effective for my growth or my clients, but I'm always feeling anxious about looking unprofessional or like a bad therapist. I'm still new though and the mantra is a helpful reminder that I'm there to help them not fix them.
Ecclesiastes 3:13
And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
I'm a blend of both because I find that the people around me that I feel like I need to be nice for are the ones closest to me then my friends do allow me to be kind rather than nice on their account.
I’ve been a nice person our entire marriage, but I can see the damage it’s caused myself and others. I’m learning to be kind, though it’s very painful to do that, especially when my spouse just wants me to be “nice” and be quiet so they can go on ignoring the needs I’ve been denying myself and not address the healing work they need to do for the ptsd they brought into our marriage.
I was a very nice person full of resentment that I would never show. Because I was nice. Now, I'm a combination of both, but need to get to the kind person territory.
Recovering people pleaser/nice girl 😬
I'm too nice to others and never to myself... I'm exhausted 😩. I need to hear this... Thanks.
You made me feel pause and understood in a world that has gone off the rails. This was wonderful to come upon this evening! Very insightful and on point. God Bless you for all you do. 🕊️🌅
One thing to note is that if you’ve been raised as a ‘Nice Kid’. Your family will absolutely react in a negative way once you begin trying to assert boundaries. So do expect that. But it is worth it to become a real person.
Being kind means that you prioritize how and when to be nice.
I've just realized I'm more nice than kind. I'll have to work on it definitely
Wow... what an awesome message... especially for women.
A suggestion: watch this video and substitute the word “I” “me” and “my” every time the presenter says “you”. I found this improved the lesson tremendously.
Now let's talk about being kind vs being self centered