How Toxic Is Your Family?
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- In this episode, I share details on how family toxicity can be measurable, and breakdown the term "Toxic."
The toxic family test was developed to assist in processing of childhood trauma and family dynamics, but primarily was created to raise awareness of the toxic family system.
I hope you find it helpful!
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patr...
MUSIC IS BY:
Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
Editing Service:
www.jamesrara....
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Can a toxic parent change? Absolutely! My NPD father is getting worse.
😂TRUE! God Bless you!
Buahahaha! Thank you for making me laugh, I needed that. And mine is getting worse too, for the record.
😂😂😂
When I tell you I cackled….😂😂😂
Love it! 😂
Wow, this really describes my mom. Especially “siding with perpetrators.” Just one example - neither she nor my dad ever confronted my uncle for m*lesting my sisters and nieces. They yelled at me for exposing him, and continued a very friendly relationship with him for several years.
I’m so sorry :(
Do you still talk to your parents?
@@BJ-mb2ug thank you. No, my dad died years back, and my mom ignores me unless it’s to complain. I had a heart attack 2 months ago and never heard from her when I was in the hospital - and she knew I was there and why. A few weeks later she emailed my wife to complain about me.
@@recollectionsofinvisiblechild that’s bonkers. Again, so sorry you have that stress. Take care of yourself! Walks, mindfulness… you’re not them… and sharing your story may help others.
@@BJ-mb2ugthanks!
Yeah it is common for people to side with abusers. It's sick.
Did the test, well done me, i got "extreme toxicity" - a schizophrenic mother, and a narcissist addicted father.....not surprising.....wish i could find some bloody self compassion
can relate, I have found that I can't control that first thought, the knee jerk response. But, I have been able to learn to change that second thought.
example: I may think "you're so worthless" to myself. that's the one jerk response for me not knowing how to do something.
I have learned to change that second thought. the next thing I think," no that's not right, I'm not worthless, it just takes time to learn the things I don't understand"
I have to be very deliberate and intentional about that second thought. I have to show myself compassion I was never given, and I'm learning to accept that.
since I began this exercise, I have noticed the voice in my head getting more gentle and I'm struggling less.
it helped me, might help you, as well ❤❤
Here you go! A bloody compassion 🩸🩸🩸🤗🤗🤗🤗
Here you go. A bloody compassion 🩸🩸🩸🩸🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
You had it hard growing up. I hope you have peace in your life today.
that must have been horrible, I wish I could help
Your work has been an important part of all the healing work that has gotten me to the place I am now. It's changed my life. Thank you ❤
Patrick, thank you very much for doing this podcast series. I am a scapegoat and a truth teller. The latter didn’t set me up well to deal with all sorts of abuse levelled in my direction. I still believe the repeated gaslighting abuse was the worst and did the most damage. It stripped me down from developing any real sense of self or self esteem and now I have to bring myself up by my own hand as a grown adult. Dealing with the ongoing toxic thoughts, emotions and dissociation is a daily struggle. Healing is an ongoing struggle. Your work and this series is really helpful and I am grateful to you for doing this work and making it available for those of us who are struggling to move forward and out of the mess. Thank you.
Following the transcript, the amusing misheard blessing at 19:40 "may you be peaceful entities" instead of "peaceful and at ease".
Family of origin :father was self righteous malignant narcissist who started and led a small, since failed, fundamentalist religion based cult and isolated us off grid in the middle of nowhere. Mother was borderline/vulnerable narcissistic personality issues. Golden child oldest brother. Oldest sister was scapegoat truth seer. Most of the rest of the 9 kids have cycled thru varying layers of being secondary golden/scapegoat child. We all grew up with what I now realize was huge amounts of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse and of course lots of neglect too. About half of us see at least some of the toxic things.
Here's to healing for us and especially our children who suffer due to us not knowing a ton better before they were born to our toxic exes.
Same.
@@SadieCleary ugh. I'm so sorry you've experienced any of this. I assume you scored pretty high on the test then?
@orielwiggins2225 haha I've been with Patrick almost from his online debute. He's been helping me for free for a long time so I already know so much I don't need tests now, lol. As soon as I listened to my first video of his I knew I'd found a true sibling.
@@SadieCleary I have been listening since I first found him a few years ago and definitely have always loved his approach and mindset and have gotten so much help from it. And yes, it's taken a long time to realize that it was indeed trauma and abuse on so many levels for so long. and I didn't need a test, but I've been frustrated with the lack of recognition of this kinda abuse in the field and therefore in culture, cuz like he said it either gets trivialized by dismissing, or by over use of terms like toxic. But I'm learning to know what I know and having a test that shows more than the ACES can is helpful when you go to talk with folks who don't initially take you seriously.
Thanks for sharing. We have a similar situation in our extended family. It's so hard to watch and offer no help.
I never realize how bad it was until I listen to you and give consideration to all that was happening to me as a child. My mom passed when I was 18 and so it's hard to not look at everything with rose colored glasses. I don't really see myself and how it affected me until I wipe away tears from memories past, flashbacks and emotions that I thought were long gone and overcame come flooding back. I was Journaling last night and as I looked at a picture of me and my momma that I love oh so dearly, I thought, what if I have a future that was better than my past. It's the first time I ever looked at my childhood and had hope for a better life and future. Thanks SO MUCH, Patrick for the work you do and for shedding some light in the very dark worlds of the children that were abused, forgotten, hurt and the ones taken advantage of and are now adults struggling with boundaries and love. My heart is very grateful, good God bless you ❤️💖✨️
I don’t know the terminology - some sort of literary device maybe? Foreshadowing? Anyway, from the age of 2 until I was 7 my family lived on a military base. It was probably the happiest time of my youth. I didn’t understand how incredibly toxic it was in actuality back then. As an adult I began to understand how toxic it was. Also as an adult I found out that our old neighborhood on the base was condemned and demolished because it was super-contaminated with toxins. It is what is referred to as a “Superfund Cleanup Site.” They even scraped up all of the streets and sidewalks. There’s nothing man-made left there. A large fence with warning signs was erected around the area. The company that evaluated the toxicity recommended no further human habitation of the area forever. They found mustard gas residue, TCE, nuclear contamination from weapon storage, and a couple more chemicals. I read that basements act like amplifiers/concentrators for toxins in the surrounding soil. I spent a great deal of time playing in our basement. I wish my aging, traumatized, contaminated brain could tie together what I am getting at - like the unseen chemicals in our home that finally came to light and caused our home’s destruction were a representation of the psychological toxicity that went unnoticed as well. And our family is now destroyed.
Thank you again Patrick, for the morning therapy cry. My parents are all of these. I just needed validation that I'm not overestimating the toxicity. I sometimes compare myself to kids you hear in the news who have been tied up in basements and starved, then feel bad for complaining about my own abuse. If you have to compare yourself to that, it's fucked up. I usually won the "who is more fucked up family" talks. It shouldn't even be a question.
Great video Patrick! As a possible future video idea: experiencing childhood trauma as an only child.
Thank you for always trying to help us.
I totally scored 98 on your toxic family test. I wasn't sure it was right, so I did it again. It came back as a 99. 😂😅😂
Patrick thank you so much for all your work. I can't wait to be able to afford your program/membership. In the meantime your content and prompts have helps supplement my trauma therapy.
Thank you for this Patrick.
I hoped that my parents will change but as they got older , they're getting worse trying to destoy my own family financially. They destroyed everything I liked my whole life. I cut off contact now because their last action was too much for me and I have to protect my family. Thank you for your work ❤!
I would say mine was pretty toxic .
Oceans of blessings y'all ❤❤❤❤
Do our toxic parents actually love us but don’t know how to show their love? Or are they just not capable of feeling love?
Does it matter? They're toxic. Toxicity causes cancer and other ailments.
I think a lot of people don’t know what real love is. It’s a selfish distorted “love.” Real love wants the best for the other person, not for self. I’ve had to really delve into this issue and recognize that although my parents said they loved me, their actions said otherwise. Their actions speak for themselves. In reality, they tried to utterly destroy me, which was heartbreaking for me. It’s very disturbing to ensure such a relationship.
Man, this video didn't help much tbh. It seems like toxicity revolved around how the parent treats those around them (aunts, uncles, friends, neighbors, co-workers).
But my mother was always a recluse. She never had any friends, all her coworkers dislike her accordingly to her, if neighbors try to invite her to things, she refuses no matter what and distances herself.
It's so exhausting that all mental help books and channels just ASSUME you havena family, friends, coworkers, etc. SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE THAT. And if all you say is "hello" its still not a friendship/relationship/whatever.
You mother was probably trying to reserve her energy. She was probably a very kind, empathetic person. So much that people found her "different". People are messy. Neighbors gossip. I don't blame her! Life is difficult for all.
Oh wow you just described my mom. Has been unemployed since my birth to care for me full-time, while my emotionally distant dad is a taxi driver and left her alone with the child rearing. Mom has severe trust issues from being the family scapegoat and being bullied by classmates and peers, and they still do to this day. I try to give grace, but it doesn't change the fact that it's affected me and my brothers. We don't have space for vulnerability except when our mom is venting about her life and treating us like her therapists. She couldn't handle us having different values, opinions and interests. We end up hiding our mistakes from her because she shames us for it so we don't do it again, because to her it meant she wasn't being a good mom. And if she wasn't a good mom, then it meant she wasn't good enough for the one thing she's been doing for almost two decades now.
@@Eirene628WTF is this response? Clearly you're assuming things without evidence and without considering the perspective of who you're replying to
In my mother’s family she was the scapegoat her younger brother was the golden child. I learned this from her older brothers wife as well as stories from my mom. Her brother was a lot older than her and his wife felt sorry for my mom and would take her to stay at their house as much as possible it was so bad.
In my family my mother was the golden child and everybody else were scapegoats particularly me and my brother. Only recently did I figure out my mom is narcissist. I don’t know if she’d be diagnosed NPD. But she has to control, dominate, nag all the rest of us. She didn’t treat my brother and I different we were both treated equally dysfunctionally. She drove my dad crazy too still does.
My mom has never apologized for anything bad done ever. I’ve never seen that with anybody.
Also teasing and making fun and when you say I don’t like that she’d say I had the problem I was just being too sensitive.
Very informative 👏 Very detailed too. Thanks for sharing 👍
Question; maybe you are the concerned aunt or family member watching toxic parenting cycles continue. What do you do? Telling an 8 year old, “hey buddy, i’m here to talk” feels like SO little when you are so far removed from what is actually going on in their home. What do you do when you DO confront your sibling, and point out how their child is suffering. Any compassion I have towards my sister (with knowing and understanding why we are damaged from OUR parents) just disappears. Turns into rage. How could she do that to someone else when she knows better?? How do I protect my niece’s ‘spark’ before she fully disappears into herself? I want to be a better advocate. It’s devastating.
I saw a really good interview on the HealthyGamerGG channel 3 weeks ago about how to convince loved ones to go to therapy. And whether you love your sister or not, you love that little boy and in order to help him you either A) need to call Child Protective Services and never even petition for custody yourself and that kind of stuff or B) you need to help your sister to start to gain some awareness of her actions and help her want to want help, you need to get her to want to prevent further trauma to that little boy.
There are really actionable things in that video for what to say and how to help a person who doesn't seem to want help. And that's your sister.
I want you to do everything you possibly can for that child.
My mom does see a therapist at the VA. Her behavior has gotten worse since. I doubt she's fully honest with her therapist, and the therapist seems to enable her behavior.
When I first started college, I was talking a human sexuality class and I shared that on "family night", we would play strip poker and I would put so many bangles on (80's) because they would count as items of clothing. Jaws dropped and I realized it wasn't normal.
We all have scars. All
I scored 95 out of 100 on your toxic family exam 😐😅
AHEM... Jiddu Krishnamurti once said, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” This is something American hyper individualist "psychologists" and therapists just paper over. You might want to consider that. It shouldn't be conflated as a dodge for the need for individual self awareness, but it DAMN WELL is NO excuse for dodging the effects of environment. By now, surely, even the most politically and culturally disconnected therapist or psychologist ought to recognize that both Christianity and capitalism are abject failures, and adjust their expectations for how much entirely justified rage they're going to see from people who are being destroyed by far more than just shitty parents.
my dad told me I'm the only one human he talks to and "jokingly" said he's telling me this to guilt me into calling more. Is that a toxic behavior?
With a taste of a poison paradise.
Where can I find this test? There's no link, no reference of where to find it.
This isn't helpful to me unless I can take the actual test you're referring to
The test is in the description!
Not to be critical but if 7am is too early, what time are you going to sleep? .. And what's the reason for staying awake until that time?
Unless you do shift work or work night hours, noisy machinery at 7am shouldn't be an issue.
Some people are naturally evening people and some even night owls. Not everyone's circadian rhythm is set on morning person. A lot of highly intelligent people have a propensity they have shown to like doing creative work in the night hours when they can think better/clearer than during daytime when the world is asleep.
@@jercasgav " ..than during daytime when the world is asleep" - Uh, well daytime in NY means nighttime in Beijing for example, so there's always part of the world asleep. But did you word that correctly?
I have very poor sleep for several different health reasons. I wake up multiple times a night, every night, for years, even under the care of a sleep specialist. I have no control over my sleep, and often have to stay in bed a lot later than 7 to try to get just *halfway* rested, and rarely make it there. So, noisy machinery at 7 is most definitely an issue. Be very thankful that you don’t have this problem.
@@jercasgav "....than during daytime when the world is asleep" Huh?
The world is not asleep during daytime.
I get up around 5am and 7am is definitely too early for noisy machinery. Most people do not get up as early as I do, and hearing noisy machinery first thing in the morning is not pleasant or even healthy. Just do the noisy work during day time if needed.
This is a lot can you slow down please
He has more videos on this were he explains it in depth.
You can also change the playback speed by clicking the cog in the top right of any RUclips video. (It appears when you click the screen)... I tend to put most videos on x1.5 as other channels speak so slowly 😂 but you can also go x0.5 or so to slow it down.
Why do we not use the simple old words like "evil", instead of coming up with new words for that same thing like 'toxic", "psychopathic", "bully", etc. Is there a fear of holding the evil person responsible, on closing the book on these people who should be indeed excluded from all human relationships? Probably weakness on the side of the victims to draw the ultimate conclusion because then you have to make actual decisions and perform actions. Call evil people "evil", and you stop compensating for the deficits these parasites generate around them.
Evil is an incredibly strong and unempathetic word. It may fit well for some people, but not me personally. My parents, despite the ways they abused me, are human beings who had their own traumas and negative learned behaviors. They're not evil, they're flawed. They weren't trying to hurt me on purpose, they just had no idea what a healthy family should be like. They genuinely believed they were doing better than their parents had done for them. I've only cut off one family member for being a truly horrible person. My parents don't deserve that. They were toxic, not evil monsters.
being ridiculed when you needed empathy or support 🎯
💯💔❤️
That hurt when you said that you know it’s a toxic family when there is a scapegoat. I am the scapegoat.
I’m the scapegoat too
Me too!😢
@@dnk4559 hugs 🥰… you aren’t alone.
@@Kristen10-22 thank you and hugs back at you!
Oddly enough, I can't pinpoint who is the scapegoat in our family. My narcissistic mom was the scapegoat in her childhood, so that somehow gave her this mentality that she should treat us a bit more equally than her parents did for her vs her siblings. Or maybe I'm just blinded by things going around bc I was initially the golden child, but then I kept disappointing my parents as time went on bc I can't follow this cookie cutter concept of who I should be.
Thank you. I often flip flop between thinking things were not so bad and that it was in my head. This has clarified.
Me too, I think I might have to take this test or something similar
geez, i miss seeing you talk, the way you move and your expressions were very comforting, which i feel is very diluted with this podcast style. hope you are well and can return in the future. cheers.
When I was 14 or 15 year old, my only goal was to leave my home as soon as I could. I didn’t know the term of toxicity until my late forties. A lot of mental illnesses I have to deal now, depression, anxiety, you name it. Thank you for your expertise ❤
I know exactly how you feel. Stay strong 💪🏼 Life will get better 💌
On some levels, not toxic in a way that others would see or believe, but extremely dysfunctional. They don't steal or get drunk or swear or get violent or visibly angry (very passively angry though). But my mother is extremely repressed and in absolute denial about that. She parks anything she doesn't like about herself *in me* and I must accept this interpretation of me. I must accept that I'm sensitive, dramatic, emotional, paranoid. If I challenge it, and I have more in the last 5 years, then she is extremely defensive; the victim of me, I get frozen out, which she denies (which is a mindf***KK argh).
My mother can simultaneously give me the freezing cold shoulder but yet also totally deny it. My dad and my brother are very weak and back her up 100% even though in slightly different ways, they do get it. In a situation where I tell mum that she has hurt me, the person she feels sorry for is herself. And dad backs her up. My brother is just like, ofgs, buckle in, accept the regime, just endure it, accept it, don't react, play along, what's the big deal. He said to me that I was cutting off my nose to spite my face. So he sees more value to being in the family than he sees to being HEARD but i'm the opposite. I see more value in being heard.
That sounds toxic to me. She's emotionally controlling/blackmailing you at the very least. That sounds very difficult and emotionally draining to grow up in. I hope you get the healing you deserve ❤️
Thank you Sir, for professional validation of toxic childhood. It’s a miracle many of us made it through this toxicity, but the damage it continues as adults cannot be minimized. Bless you for your enlightenment and insight!
Wow, just did the family toxicity test - got 91 out of 100.. „extreme toxicity“
No wonder, I still struggle with certain issues at 57
I like this. Patrick can you do one on what are healthy family systems to compare so we can learn?
Yes to all the questions here. And my mother could turn it on and off. Everything revolved around her, her moods, her rages, her illnesses that didn't exist...
Like the sun ☀️
We all revolved around her
6:45 could you go into detail on that in a future video? I’m curious what you mean
This man speaks the truth!
I had no idea that I was being abused...but, it makes so much sense, now.
Thanks again, Patrick ❤
I was in my mid 20s before I realised I'd been abused on a daily basis. When it's just your Normal, you don't realise, but finding out the truth is the beginning of healing. I wish you strength and joy 🥰
You had me at the title 😂
Can a toxic family change? Who knows? I cut off all contact with them and not a moment’s regret.
Your videos are quite informative and helpful, so thank you for that! It is interesting how people in the comments seem to be identifying a person(s) in their life that they have been [wrongfully] treated by, in the past, but then skip over how they themselves exhibit at least portions of those same traits. I definitely have a lot of things to work on within myself; I can say that for sure 😅 (Seems likely that we all do...)
Traits are genetic through DNA....Physical characteristics hereditary by nature.......abusive behavior, manipulative tactics, defense mechanisms, etc...are not inherent. They are taught and/or learned through environmental experience while young. Ya know what I learned from the adults teaching me??? That I don't ever want to be the one to cause another so much pain in life.......not anybody....not EVER. How would I willingly subject another to something so dreadful as I must struggle through?
It may be true of others and possibly even you, to treat others how you've been treated instead of how you'd like to be.....but I can't hardly think it right to be someone who prays for peace of mind ND serenity while out there taking those very things away from others? Hmmmm Hypocrisy will never be tolerable.
Make the change you want to see in your world&Be it without shame of past or guilt for future.
In childhood???
How about yes to all well into my early 40’s!
Thank you so much for posting this video
My family is so toxic I have been trying to heal it for 56 years. It's so bad that I always pick the wrong guy. I took 20 years off to heal and thought I was okay until he kissed me and all of the trauma of my life came pouring out like Pandora's box because I trusted him enough to be vulnerable. But I was wrong. He boot-stomped my heart. I guess I'll never be healed enough. IDK
My ndad is a classic example of toxic who worshipped my nmother and enabled purpetrated her and his negative trust so I had no idea what was real at all
Keeping me unbalanced from your untrustworthy response or any acccountability ever in fact sabotage is all I received
You're loved. You're made in God's perfect image. You're special. You're a survivor and you're here. I wish you healing and strength my sister. It gets better with time. But that doesn't mean you didn't suffer. I hope you live a long happy life. ❤
IMAGINE , folks who score 100%... yikes
Yeah…lucky them. Let’s not judge. I’m sure they would want different….
If I'm five for five, do I really need to take the whole test? LOL
I still haven't been able to bring myself to take it -- and I've been viewing Patrick's videos for at least a year now
I had all five questions with multiple answers.
Thank you, Patrick.
How can I break the toxic message that I am going to fail, that I am a screw up? I have been making stupid -as in not mistakes I usually make, and I don't know why.. but it has me depressed and upset as I desperately need this job..
I hope you can get better, yes I know the feeling, we all need our jobs.
Patrick! I have an odd question, can you really see my profile but I can't see mine or others? How is that if I mark things private just for me? RUclips won't answer, it's probably too late to worry about risking looking like an asshole but how can I prevent this in the future or is this another sick "Get another Amanda to kill herself" game? Sorry I just don't know who else to ask?
What in the world are you asking?
I have a very toxic family on my mother's side of the family.
Well done. Relevant.
Where is the test?
Google ACES test
are there people that actually don’t experience this? theres non toxic families? i don’t even believe that
life is "toxic" meaning life is hard....for everyone!
✅ good video
I answered yes to all those questions.