The Arizona Trauma Institute is in total alignment with your philosophy. Check them out. They talk about how the social services system is guilty of malpractice by how they handle ptsd victims. My personal experience was 4 hours of interrogation and personal questions concerning my trauma and abuse in order to qualify for disability. A non-trained, uneducated worker asking traumatizing questions that left me with weeks to recover from the interview..only to get a denial letter. I found this so common among the homeless...they weren’t in a safe environment to be barraged with such questions. Going through the system leaves people with continually being traumatized and re-traumatized with no real help. They basically are forcing you to walk through a battlefield to get a meal ticket and then when you get to the end, there’s no meal ticket after all. They give the mind-altering drugs instead. And then people end up getting addicted to drugs because there is no therapy offered. It made me start a non-profit so I can make changes as to helping those who find themselves in the same situation I did..with no real help that works. Thankfully, I stayed away from substances and healed with behavior practices and nutritional supplements that naturally healed my brain chemistry.
thank you. my first therapist was exactly like you described: she enjoyed the intensity of my trauma, my emotions were like a drug to her. She made me crack open my pain, and after that I felt worse than ever. It retraumatized me...
Trauma healing unfolds over time I have found. I'm just discovering that it's ok to be compassionate with myself. It's a lfe journey. There is no date with which to be fixed by. Enjoy your journey friends 😊
Daniel, I wish you were my psychologist when I had a mental brakedown almost a decade ago. After a lifetime of severe dissociation from the original trauma and then being bullied daily at work from my manager, I collapsed physically and mentally. The 'therapist' brought up all my childhood trauma to the surface, opened up Pandora's box, whilst I was in such a fragile state that it destroyed me totally - paralysed me for a few years. Their 'support' was too judgemental and I felt so pressured that it traumatised me even further. [I felt that with their cbt techniques they were trying to persuade me that it was a matter of perspective, that I didn't evaluate the situation properly and that I should see it with different eyes - therefore putting all the blame on myself and giving a free pass to my abuser. It was me who didn't respond to it properly and not that the narcissist had found a scapegoat to vent all their frustrations. (And yes, I allowed it to happen as I was groomed from my mother to be an obedient slave to my abuser. This pattern followed me all my life with bosses and 'friends')] I went to therapy looking for answers and i was left more confused than ever, as not only they didn't have any answers but they criticised me so harshly and I ended up hating myself - then I had an identity crises as I realised that all my life was a lie and that I pretended to be strong to hide my deep rooted insecurities of betrayal, abandonment, unworthiness and fear of rejection. And in my quest to understand what had happened, I realised that it was not just my family that was dysfunctional but the whole of society - as the family is the microcosm and society the macrocosm. This resulted in further severe depression and despair! So, I have never felt safe to grieve as I feel very detached from the world. But your second point is spot on, as I hated myself so deeply for who I had become, and I had absolved my abusers from responsibility. I had taken everything on my shoulders and the burden was too heavy to carry. Chronic fatigue explained! Thank you.
i feel ya. the therapist i went to blamed me for my anxiety as well, saying it was "my responsibility".. after some time i found other sources of knowledge and understood things, others, society and myself more clearly. you can find my favorite videos on psychology and society in the playlist on my channel titled "psy & society". feel free to add me on discord at haku#4207 or telegram @haku4207
This actually makes a lot of sense literally with me. I’m having a ton of trouble being able to reconnect with my past and I think it’s due to my financial situation. Need to have a good reliable car and savings before my subconscious is like “ok, now we’re ready to undergo this”. Maybe your brain doesn’t unlock stuff until it feels you’re ready.
How is it going now? I have the same experience, i was just retraumatized in a terrible clinic so now i hope to find a good therapist. I am also thinking about confronting them, but i need to feel better first.
@@pineappleflow2876 I've been fighting for a few years now to save up money and get stability, so I don't know if the "Island of Saftey" hypothesis is correct yet but I do know there is a noticeable difference in how I feel day to day and it does feel like im moving towards something.
For those who see this video and are worried that they’re not going to be able to create that island of safety soon enough, please use that as an empathetic tool to be easier on yourself if you’re going through hardship.
A lot of people doesn't understand the childhood trauma because it didn't happened to them. The best therapists are the people who have been there because they understand the emotional pain 💔 you've experienced
Sounds an awful lot like a list of things you need to heal from trauma to get in the first place- stability, security, self-love, social success, financial security, actualization and achievement, consistent self-caare
Maybe for some it takes years to build that island of safety. It's taken me many years to learn to take care of myself and I still screw up but I don't give up.
I get so impatient with this. I want my traumas healed and I want my fucking life back. I don’t wanna start on dating or a career until my brain is fixed and it’s taking forever and I feel like I’m either making no progress or backsliding. Fuck the people who did this to me. This huge mess I have to fix.
Exactly I feel the same way. We get messed up and broken and we need to fix the mess even though it's not of our own doing, it was abuse done to us. The injustice of it all! Not to mention fixing our minds is extremely difficult, it's not easy like repairing or cleaning your home, or fixing a computer or it's programs, or repairing/fixing/ sowing clothes and bedding, it's much more difficult and extremely complex fixing your mind and resolving trauma is like entering a invisible parallel universe that exist in your mind with a gate to hell, to a battle field full of strong stormy weather of dark cold oceans of sadness and anger and almost drowning in it, and deserts of numbness, loneliness and dissociation, dark scary pools of shame, hatred and embarrassments, gloomy forest full of land mines, and hidden suppressed trauma buried underneath. A world of pain, hurt and negativity, it does take bravery, a stable strong mind set, maturity, inner strength and a stable safe living environment which is hard to achieve if you don't have the inner and outer strength to accomplish that safe environment in the first place because of the traumas and being stuck in a toxic environment that caused the traumas, many times with the abusers there themselves. The traumas prevents or slows down progress to create that safe place. It really is a catch 22. I experienced what Daniel talks about in the video, it is really dangerous if you don't know what your doing and don't have the proper help with real professional expertise at Daniel's level and no support like me. It can lead to suicide or sucide ideation and people behave like vultures they see someone vulnerable and weak with those opened trauma wounds and want to take advantage of you which leads to more trauma and hurt and the cycle repeats until you crash and burn and stay dead in life, years passing until you can get it together. You miss out in life and your youth all because of the abuse and the abusers. I tried getting help at 18/19 so I can start life ready with healing and strength only for it to backfire because i was still trapped in my abusive home and the mental health proffesionals betrayed my trust and made things worse multiple times along with the medical professionals. I seeked help from a mentor who didn't know how to help but wanted to and also made things worse. My mentor pushed me to go to college as a depressed sucidal disassociated person who had little to no guidance and support which is a recipe to disaster. That mentor should have known better as a 40 year old school teacher full of life experience with the youth and therapy, hence why I trusted their advice and I wanted to try with the false hope that I can be accomplished and move out of my toxic parents home with just pure willpower but me being in such a vulnerable and lost state couldn't handle the addtional stresses from the full time academic workload, BS and sometimes dangerous drama from my school peers along with the weird social dynamics and along with work from my stressful part time minimum wage job at the time with co workers BS drama, and top of the stressful and dangerous home environment, so I crashed and burned. Not to mentioned I went to college alone with no guidance because my mentor abandoned me after I started college. I didn't know how to navigate the system it was foreign to me. I only lasted 1 year. It's been a decade now where I'm finally safe to recover, but I a lost decade of youth. The most defining decade our lives, my 20s. It's unfair and unjust. I hate my parents.
I wish I had known this a long time ago. I jumped right in and no one considered the side effects of facing all of this. It's very traumatizing to face all of this, especially when loyalties are too powerful and even inappropriate. People need to know this prior to actually doing the work. I did not know this until now. Thanks.
Tell me about it. I got into Stefan Molyneux’s work six years ago and started opening things up while I was still living with my family and broke. I had no idea of the importance of getting into a safe place in my life before going through this and costed me a lot of suffering and hardship.
Thank you so much. You've not only explained what I've been going through, but what to do about it. If you haven't yet, please make a video on loving yourself.
Trauma causes cracks in the conscious mind which allows for unresolved trauma material to just come bubbling up from the unconscious through those cracks, whether or not one has safety and stabiity. One just has to embrace the "madness" of it all, oftentimes
This is 100% true .. We have to be careful not to be forced into addressing old trauma. I wish I knew this from before .. Unfortunately ..I was clueless through out this journey .. It’s a miracle that I’m still alive & kicking .. ~ I was totally unprepared & without a map. I was drowning in my dark oceans of pain ...Thank you for explaining the proper guidelines for doing recovery work in the safest way possible ..
Thank you for this video, I found it very eye-opening. I went to AA at a point where I was denying all possible facts about my past and my personality. In the 12 steps there was this assignment where you need to address the people who hurt you and forgive them and also write down every single thing you did that was wrong. I ended up deeply depressed & in mental hospital. After that I’ve really tried to get into the root of my problems and I did exactly this: I went through all the horrible suffering I have caused and I have been thinking about thise things over and over. At one point I was convinced that I have a personality disorder and that I am almost like a psycopath. Now when I look at my life, I am really not hurting anybody on purpose and I am doing my best to take care of rescue animals I adopted, I am helping others, even though I make mistakes I am doing more good that bad. I am not a bad person and I am finally realizing what actually happened to me and made me the way I was & that I am not that person anymore. That was never who I am. I am terribly sorry for the hurt and harm I have caused and take full responsibility for that. But I am working on my own healing now and learning to have empathy to myself for the trauma I was forced to go through as a small girl who was helpless and not guilty for the abuse I was subjected to & told it was all my fault so I was unable to work on those things and heal.
Thank you Daniel, one of your most practical videos, and it makes so much sense. I did try to dive deep in my traumas, alone, because of too many horrible experiences with therapists. Result: no being able to cook, hardly eat or exercise, for weeks, and finally, got sick. Having to go back to your parents, who are often your first traumatizers, is the cherry on the pie. So this video puts a light on a question that has haunted me for months: what environment does a person need in order to grow and heal safely. Now if I have to choose between fading slowly of the consequences of trauma, or try to find (or build), that environment, I'll take a chance for the second option. Step by step, but with the assurance that it is the right thing to do. This video comes just at the right time to confirm the necessity for me of building my life around my healing. what a realization, and a relief..
Thank you for another great video. In all the help I’ve sought over the past few decades to resolve the painful feelings inside me that constantly bubble out and derail me and my life, your perspective most closely aligns with what I have always felt I needed. The words “trauma” and “grieving” and “healing” weren’t in my vocabulary in discussing it, but they were fuzzy concepts in my psyche that I was trying to grasp and articulate. I’ve sought help from therapists in the past to dive into where these incapacitating feelings come from and deal with them in a healthy way so they don’t keep derailing every path I take to attempt to move forward in my life, but no therapist ever seemed to know how to - or to want to - really handle trauma, and every attempt made me feel even worse. The idea that we can heal ourselves has been so freeing and inspired so much hope in me. I’m not in a place currently to set off into that journey, but I have real hope for my future now.
What if you need to face trauma to move forward. I’ve been struggling with my mental health and my relationship with my parents since I was 10-12(I’m almost 20 now). And I believe I had to face or at least acknowledge the trauma that their parenting caused. Allowing me to see my dad as a narcissist and my moms toxic behavior she developed from my fathers abuse. I believe that seeing things as they are, allowed me to discover that I couldn’t count on anyone else to save me. Yes, I found a therapist that was a safe place to share, and form my own voice after years of silence. But I had to realize that I had to be there for my inner child. My parents will not change and I can’t expect everyone to be what I need. I need to hold myself. I do wish I was away from my parents at the moment(I’m working on just going back and staying at college), but that isn’t my reality right now. I don’t think staying in the same mindset and self blame would’ve been good. I couldn’t wait for a safe environment. I had to advocate for myself, and acknowledge the trauma as their own faults and not my own. I do love your videos and I highly respect your knowledge and insight, but I don’t think avoiding opening up the trauma until your in a better situation is good. Sometimes it needs to be seen to motivate people to get out of their situations. And not everyone has the luxury of getting into a safe environment.
I hear ya. Sometimes you have to deal with the traumas in order to move forward. I found not knowing how to cope with the intense emotions would be detrimental and defeat the purpose for me. So I have come to think and believe (at least for some of us) that learning how to cope with those emotional flashbacks and triggers is really important to getting through the difficulty of facing and working through the traumas. DBT skills work for some. You don't need a group. There's workbooks out there that tell you how to apply it on your own. Have you read Pete Walker's books? I have found them helpful. -The Tao of Fully Feeling and -Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I hope this helps a little.
You're so right Daniel, I often felt worse after therapy because my relationship with my self was completely broken. I also resorted to blaming myself and viewing myself as evil for some of the things that I had done, before understanding and processing the trauma I was put through. This video and many others on your channel are a gem.
The context for bad things we’ve done feels so essential. Without that it’s like we’re left with the “well this had to come from somewhere, must have been who I really am”. The more context I get the more I see these things not as not being my fault, but making total sense as choices or impulses given what I’d survived for the first overwhelming majority of my life. Its hard but the context for understanding is within all of us and is very specific to us.
I'm been binge-watching Daniel's vids and I'm so glad to see this one! I've been to two therapists for strong anxious-attachment style behaviors as well as issues dealing with limerence over unavailable men. The first therapist lasted only a year but I was already seeing some red flags. He called himself a "vulnerability junkie" and did not understand that what I really needed was self-empowerment (aka self-control) and boundaries. Any attempt I made in trying to voice my need for boundaries and self-control, he dismissed and would say "no one is in control". Wow... The second therapist would get irked at my limerent issues (I understand I could get quite obsessive), and would guilt me into doing deep-enquirey sessions where I'd have to do a deep dive of painful memories of the past. Although I understand that is where the root of these things lie, she was eager to move at pace quicker than I was comfortable with so we can get to seeing "results". In hindsight, I wish she would let me talk of my obsessions because a lot could be inferred from them instead of being dismissive of them. So many ties could have been made to my parents' own compulsive behaviors. But my biggest red flag was when I voiced my going no contact with my parents and she was trying to maneuver me out of it. I think that's the other thing therapists often suffer from - they seem to have a bit of a god/saviour's complex, where they try and idealize outcomes and push for a kumbaya existence. I dropped her too because I felt like excuses were being made for my parents who I've already been gray-rocking/going low contact for the last 28 years before I could bear it no longer and cut the cord. I think therapists who specialize in CPTSD and have been through and done their own healing work is what's needed, instead of trying this "one size fits all" approach.
I feel like it's really hard to build a foundation of safety without having Trauma treatment first. We did 7 years of dbt therapy and tried building a life, but stability just wasn't happening without Trauma processing. We didn't even feel like we could want to be safe, before doing a lot of trauma processing, because wanting to be safe was not safe home 🤦
So interesting how just at a moment when I feel relatively stable in life and in a very good relationship with my husband, all the pain of my childhood and relationship with my family has come open wide... I think it is only possible because I am in a relatively safe place that I am capable of facing the pain.
My parent was sexually abused as a child. Turned into an abusive alcoholic parent. We were never aware of the abuse until the process of seeking justice against the abuser came up during our adulthood. The process of coming forward with the truth of what happened did not make the abuse or self-destructive behavior of my parent any better. Infact, when coming forward with the story of what had happened to them as a child, my parent, in the same breath and leaving no room for misperception of the syllogism intended to be rammed through to our psyches, said, "and that's probably why I've been a drunk asshole my whole life." The act of dredging up past trauma, bringing it into the light for all to know, can only be helpful in a context that is 100% ready for full truth in discourse. In the context of my own parent/child relationship, the revelation put a gigantic roadblock in my search for a healthier relationship with my parent as a clear abuser/abused (my parent/myself) dynamic turned into a much less clear "abused abuser/abused" scenario. And the sad part is that my alcoholic, abuse victim parent is clearly aware of this at least subconsciously because they have taken the opportunity to continue to act like the drunken asshole they admitted to being.
Do you think that they will change any time soon? Or will they continue to act in a way that hurts you? How long are you willing to put up with that for? Is it worth it?
Hey Daniel! I really wanna thank you from this video. I am in therapy now and I am doing prerequasites when confronting my trauma. This is exactly What you are speaking I am doing right now. Thanks you Very much from these videos!
The first one already is so true. I’ve started healing, but because my husband refuses to grow up and lied to me about some things, causing me betrayal trauma and stress (and right in the middle of a breakthrough for me) he is getting in the way of my healing. :/ But not all is lost - I’ve learned a lot from this too. And I know now I need to build a safe environment for myself, even if it means living by myself or being single.
You give me so much to think about.. I just finished a 2 day training (cognitive processing therapy for PTSD) and well, the trainer made some really interesting points. It surprised me that the trainer said the actual trauma didn’t even need to be discussed in therapy, but that the thoughts (that the patient has daily anyway) about the trauma is what should be brought to therapy instead. She emphasized that the patient doesn’t need to be “ready” as you have described here. I think she would say that a lot of the prerequisites that you described would be easier to achieve once the person is able to stop having trauma triggers (she emphasized the person being able to engage the prefrontal cortex better after treatment). I hope I was able to articulate the ideas in her training correctly . I’m not saying I disagree w you here. It’s a lot to think about and a HUGE responsibility for anyone working w people coming to them for help w their trauma. Thanks Daniel 🙏
A year ago, I graduated with a masters degree in psychotherapy from a prestigious university. In my program, very little instruction was given to students on practical counselling skills. The faculty in the program are all psychologists who are involved in research, but do very little actual counselling. The program focused more on theory, concepts, and academia. Unfortunately as a psychotherapy intern, I made some mistakes with some clients by rushing them, particularly during intake. This was due to inexperience but also, my program did not properly train me as to how to have those real-world, real-time, complex conversations about trauma. I was mostly drawing upon my past experience as a peer support worker to inform how I navigated those challenging conversations. I had to figure out how to actually ethically talk about trauma on my own through trial and error. I learned more about how to actually counsel from doing my own independent research (and external training) than I did from the university I attended. At this point in my professional development, I can say that I am much more informed and aware about the necessity of mindfully pacing these conversations with respect to where the client is at in their journey.
Maybe teach them coping skills when the traumatic memories hit them particularly hard. Even something as simple as stopping them and getting them to take several deep breaths to calm their minds and cortisol release. DBT has a whole bunch of those skills to offer. Then you pick and choose and use different ones that work for each individual. Traumatized people have difficulty with self soothing and self calming. Talking about the crap that happened creates intense emotional response and it's hard for us to come back down until we know what to do to help ourselves do that. It would be really helpful if more therapists knew about that and helped their clients to calm down in session even if it means stopping them in mid rant because pattern interrupt in itself is helpful.
@@wordivore Thank you for your comment. I agree with what you said and you've given some very helpful suggestions here (re: DBT) for people to consider and utilize. In the university program I attended, we were not given training as to how to guide a client through these processes. We briefly read about it in our textbooks and had some short class discussions on it, but I was never actually instructed and coached as to how to actually do it. When I graduated, I did give feedback to the program on how they can improve but as Daniel has also commented, this is a widespread issue in these university programs. Once one acquires their degree, it is still a profession that absolutely requires continuous training, which I have actively engaged in.
@@jaysmithcool Thanks for receiving my comment and ideas so kindly. It's nice to know there are therapists out there who really want to use what helps and are open to and do continue learning.
XLNT sectioning out of the different phases! Safety First! Then separate out the shame from the memory because shame makes us silent. The rest flows out from there. Bless you!
I did lots of psychedelics with almost no support before or after. That is the norm. After the first time I couldn't sleep, so I called the Shaman and he referred me to an acupuncturist. Some of the shamans supplied me of lists of therapists who were familiar with what I'd done and could help, but it was optional and I usually couldn't afford it.
While I believe some of your ideas are good in theory, I’m not sure how practical it is to achieve for a majority of patients/clients out there. I think building that type of foundation in the beginning of a journey through psychotherapy is good to establish prior to diving in head first into the past trauma. I did my thesis on childhood trauma on “the longitudinal effects of childhood as it relates to psychopathology and pathophysiology”... what I’ve learned was how incredibly nuanced, complex, and interrelated the construct of trauma in childhood.
To grieve I must be independent, to independent I must work, can I work while grieving? I assume a part of independency is a separation from the family system?
I think of what your talking about as creating a cushion round the person before going into the difficult stuff. yup unconditional positive regard the flash word for love
Thanks! One thing that, to a certain extent, bothers me in the AA 12 steps program is that it focuses mainly on the carl one caused and trying to fix it, but in my understanding less attention is paid to the traumas and abuses one has suffered. I think it is important to acknowledge both.
Regarding people ending up in psychiatric hospitals due to therapists, apparently that is not uncommon in UK - breakdowns precipitated by psychoanalysis for example, as if its acceptable.... they probably blame the patient...
a few nights ago i took a hot and long bath for the first time, it was very hot, i felt like i was sweating at my head and maybe even under water. then i went to bed, and just a few hours later (once my head cooled off from the bath) i woke up in the middle of the night in possibly the most horrible state i've ever experienced. it's hard to put into words, but i'll try to describe it: it was like neurological-mental delirium. it was like every moment, time and space just felt so horribly wrong, like neurological-mental torture, like having needles inside your prefrontal cortex and not feeling the needles physically but experiencing the consequences of it in your moment to moment experience. such state decreased after some minutes, fortunately. has anyone experienced anything like it? or heard of any similar experience? my hypothesis is that i have very high levels of toxins and heavy metals that have stored in the brain, both due to having always been skinny, as well as intestinal problems, maybe parasites (ever since i tried eating raw meat), thus leading to leaky gut and many toxins being released in circulation. another hypothesis is brain parasites or brain larvae (known as cysticercosis or neurocysticercosis). i'm considering doing a brain mri but am also scared that it may react very badly with such levels of neurotoxicity or heavy metals, due to the magnetic field, which i fear may also trigger some horrible state. i only experienced such state 2 times in my life. the other time was about a month ago, when i got high fever for just one day (which reached 39°C). it was night time when the temperature got that high. i took a hot bath then (for the first time in years), before going to bed. i still couldn't sleep due to high fever, so i took a low dose (250mg) of paracetamol. i fell asleep thanks to it, and my head and body started cooling down a bit. again, just a few hours after falling asleep, i suddenly woke up with that horrible horrible state of neurological-mental delirium. my hypothesis is that the heat displaced heavy metals (or larvae), and once i cool off, well, they are displaced in brain tissue or something.
I think maybe it has a lot to do with exactly what he said, people need to be in a safe and stable environment in order to deal with their trauma. When you are young and scrambling to establish yourself in the world, you might find that the idea of confronting the trauma directly is too daunting, and trying so would bring your life to a halt, so instead you push it to the back of your mind and focus on other things like working, paying bills, etc. Only after becoming stable, there's no need to repress it anymore, and the trauma rears it's ugly head.
I appreciate the caution that people should have a safe and stable life and an environment that holds them emotionally before they open up to processing childhood trauma. But a safe and stable life isn't that precisely what people with childhood trauma don't have, and isn't this shortage/lack part of why they seek therapy? It seems to me to be a bit of a catch-22 or an unsolvable paradox...
I started sorting out my traumatic childhood experiences with my narcissistic father just to learn a few weeks later that my mom had cancer. I was still financially dependent on my family, who is in denial of my dad's abusive behavior, and it's been two years of psychological hell. On one hand, saying goodbye to my mom and seeing it crystal clear how much she was still psychologically harmed by my dad (but never figured out or looked at her own trauma), seeing her blaming herself for everything that she's done as if she was a monster, wanting to apologize to me and my siblings while she still could, was an eye opener of how unfair it was and how much she deserved my love and empathy. On the other hand, she was unsupportive of me going no contact with him, and that hurt a lot. I managed to tell her that I'm deeply sorry that she was emotionally abused by him as well, and that was an important and meaningful conversation. But I never had the courage to bring up the fact that he molested me in front of her. Part of it was trying to not interfere with her process of saying goodbye, and part of it was a deep fear that she'd invalidate me and say I'm crazy and that I was imagining it. It's hard as fuck, but getting physical distance (I moved to another country) and not being financially dependent on them has been doing miracles for my mental health.
Hopefully you have learned something. After a forty-minute horror show, call it quits on that therapist and find someone else. Healing means taking full responsibility for yourself, your time, your money, your relationships. Finding the right fit in therapy, at work, with friends, etc. It's far too easy to blame "being stuck" on a therapist. Daniel has a few amazing videos (plus many more on RUclips) about finding a good therapist. Once you find one, the magic happens.
@@firehorse9996 Its true. It is about taking responsibility. I stayed with my last therapist too long. I'm starting again. I think I might finally be learning something about myself. The key for me is to never give up. Life is hard but the journey makes it worth it to me.
What counts as processing trauma and how do you know when you have processed and healed from something? Sometimes you dont even realize an event from your past is affecting you so i struggle to know where to start and when to know to end. So far all i do is write it down but what else?
While I still want to set up an island of safety, a part of me still wants to heal even if I live with my family.. I don't want to wait for so long to finally release my traumas. My heart wants to heal anyways, and I'm not sure what to do, is there any advise you would give? It can be a struggle due to their judgements and lack of privacy, but i hope to move out in the few years to come.
I hav my therapist say to develop a island of safety to tell my traumas but im not in a condition to do so. Also i feel by going head on with dealing traumas which i am against daniel advice i able to create the prerequisites by healing my trauma. This video is for ppl who are sensitive n less resilient n also hav worser traumas to open up. I feel by facing my emotional abuse i hav been able to do the prerequisites of self love, better sleep, n better understanding. Im have become less suicidal. I think this video is not for us but for others. For us with need to face traumas to achieve the prerequisites mentioned in this video. I take it as a video targeted to certain individuals not us. Thanks for this comment you saved my hand from typing
This is correct but for another reason when your childhood trauma causes changes to your brain development the flight or fight response chemicals released in the brain you need to get this part under control first
Therapists, especially analitical, often only listen to you and open your traumas without making constructive statements about them and changing your subconcious believes about being worthless, uncompetent etc. When you manage to do that, you can even face your bullies right away, if you want to ;).
Is talking about our traumas a critical step in healing? What are your thoughts on DBT as a means for achieving what one wants in life as well as training yourself to be your own parent in a way?
I`m not Daniel, but I guess that DBT stands for helping you organize that support system. My friend with depression was attending DBT for a few months - it helped her to find more friends, to sleep and eat better. She stopped that therapy, because she found ways to support herself, but she felt that after that she wanted to understand her reactions and work through her traumas.
I didn't like going to terapists because i felt they cared less about me, even seem bored and bothered. I aready had the "nobody cares about me" since i can remember, and to go and expose myself, my shame, my guilt, my history. It was like another traumatized event another shameful event.
Dr. Salvador Roquet, in Mexico back in the '60s, treated people with psychedelics. He wanted people to have a bummer trip, because that's when the stuff they were holding in came out, and he could work with it. I imagine being in the presence of a caring person while undergoing a painful drug experience would be categorically different than going through it with no one or just yourself.
I feel like if you had an adequate sense of justice in your environment it would help alot. Alot of the time it's like a half support kinda deal, like they are still in a confusion from their medieval programming, and they think all people are inherently wrong. Which is surface level bullshit really..
I can’t shake my twin brother who physically, emotionally and sexually abused me. Haven’t spoken to him for a year since the flashbacks started. My mother says the issue is between the two of us - denial, gaslighting. I’ve done everything I can to cut the ties but our mother gave us joint ownership of a piece of land - due to my trauma I’m paralyzed and don’t have the money to get a land agent to sell it. Feels like I’ll never be free
@@goncalocartaxana he will probably sexually, mentally and emotionally abuse the neighbor kids too. People like that shouldn't be a around children or people especially as neighbors. It sucks for Kate she's in a catch 22, I hope she's doing better now.
I agree that what you are describiung sound like really good prerequisits for healing but maybe just for my brain that gets stuck here a little bit you are talking too linearly: You have to start somewhere and often because ppl are so traumatized they create a shitty environment for them so I would rather call it a first step in healing your trauma to start making an "island of safety", but I also think that sometimes that maybe isn´t even possible. Sometimes you are so stuck in your trauma that you simply can´t see why you should break from your abusive husband or parents, that you should allow yourself to get self care etc so I would say sometimes you have to start the healing process just a little bit before, then change your life for the better, then open up a bit more and so forth and also that you should not look at your bad behavior first, well, if you are abusing your children I suggest you actually start looking at that a little bit, because if you continue the behavior then you are going to make it worse and worse, though ofc maybe stopping is only possible healing a little bit and then looking at it a little more in the context of what you experienced and then healing a little more... Again, I would say it´s gotta be somewhat circular rather than linear. Also some things just come up at times you can´t always say: Let´s postpone that for in a yr. Life hardly works that way and it will sometimes stab you in the back. But I agree that therapists are waaay too intrusive at times and want too much opening up in a short amount of time where life adjustments or integration of the healed things aren´t possible. That´s obviously screwed.
Good luck, severe trauma is blunt force that affects the way the brain works placing it in a weak, susceptible position... amnesia is regulated right away by mixing events and causality, a distinction from apathy that way no one wants to go to war with each other. Psychosis becomes a delayed reaction emerging information while Onset dimentia is regulated with schizophrenic like symptoms. Night terrors, panic delusions, scenario anxiety. How to train your dragon with early onset trauma is another thing. There's no way to tell if the child is traumatized there is a distinction between trauma and predisposition, when A child senses the outcome is trauma before it happens by emotional affectivity, and we got you this shirt that's says I don't care.
As you stated herein, you, Daniel, have posted so many videos about healing our childhood trauma....now, you present the "before you start"!? I feel that through this channel, and prior to this video, you have done exactly what you're saying therapists that don't know better do. Disappointed and scared by this.
The Arizona Trauma Institute is in total alignment with your philosophy. Check them out. They talk about how the social services system is guilty of malpractice by how they handle ptsd victims. My personal experience was 4 hours of interrogation and personal questions concerning my trauma and abuse in order to qualify for disability. A non-trained, uneducated worker asking traumatizing questions that left me with weeks to recover from the interview..only to get a denial letter. I found this so common among the homeless...they weren’t in a safe environment to be barraged with such questions. Going through the system leaves people with continually being traumatized and re-traumatized with no real help. They basically are forcing you to walk through a battlefield to get a meal ticket and then when you get to the end, there’s no meal ticket after all. They give the mind-altering drugs instead. And then people end up getting addicted to drugs because there is no therapy offered. It made me start a non-profit so I can make changes as to helping those who find themselves in the same situation I did..with no real help that works. Thankfully, I stayed away from substances and healed with behavior practices and nutritional supplements that naturally healed my brain chemistry.
Have you heard of the Mace Energy Method?
PS. You have a great attitude!
@@KatWoodland No I haven’t heard from them. Thank you!!
thank you. my first therapist was exactly like you described: she enjoyed the intensity of my trauma, my emotions were like a drug to her. She made me crack open my pain, and after that I felt worse than ever. It retraumatized me...
I met a sadistic person who loved hearing me recite the bad things I went through . It was like entertainment for her ..
@spikey813 wow... that`s a really crazy and sad story. Did you find a good therapist eventually?
A useless therapist
Trauma healing unfolds over time I have found. I'm just discovering that it's ok to be compassionate with myself. It's a lfe journey. There is no date with which to be fixed by. Enjoy your journey friends 😊
Daniel, I wish you were my psychologist when I had a mental brakedown almost a decade ago.
After a lifetime of severe dissociation from the original trauma and then being bullied daily at work from my manager, I collapsed physically and mentally. The 'therapist' brought up all my childhood trauma to the surface, opened up Pandora's box, whilst I was in such a fragile state that it destroyed me totally - paralysed me for a few years. Their 'support' was too judgemental and I felt so pressured that it traumatised me even further.
[I felt that with their cbt techniques they were trying to persuade me that it was a matter of perspective, that I didn't evaluate the situation properly and that I should see it with different eyes - therefore putting all the blame on myself and giving a free pass to my abuser. It was me who didn't respond to it properly and not that the narcissist had found a scapegoat to vent all their frustrations. (And yes, I allowed it to happen as I was groomed from my mother to be an obedient slave to my abuser. This pattern followed me all my life with bosses and 'friends')]
I went to therapy looking for answers and i was left more confused than ever, as not only they didn't have any answers but they criticised me so harshly and I ended up hating myself - then I had an identity crises as I realised that all my life was a lie and that I pretended to be strong to hide my deep rooted insecurities of betrayal, abandonment, unworthiness and fear of rejection.
And in my quest to understand what had happened, I realised that it was not just my family that was dysfunctional but the whole of society - as the family is the microcosm and society the macrocosm. This resulted in further severe depression and despair! So, I have never felt safe to grieve as I feel very detached from the world.
But your second point is spot on, as I hated myself so deeply for who I had become, and I had absolved my abusers from responsibility. I had taken everything on my shoulders and the burden was too heavy to carry. Chronic fatigue explained!
Thank you.
i feel ya. the therapist i went to blamed me for my anxiety as well, saying it was "my responsibility".. after some time i found other sources of knowledge and understood things, others, society and myself more clearly. you can find my favorite videos on psychology and society in the playlist on my channel titled "psy & society".
feel free to add me on discord at haku#4207 or telegram @haku4207
This actually makes a lot of sense literally with me. I’m having a ton of trouble being able to reconnect with my past and I think it’s due to my financial situation. Need to have a good reliable car and savings before my subconscious is like “ok, now we’re ready to undergo this”. Maybe your brain doesn’t unlock stuff until it feels you’re ready.
How is it going now? I have the same experience, i was just retraumatized in a terrible clinic so now i hope to find a good therapist. I am also thinking about confronting them, but i need to feel better first.
@@pineappleflow2876 I've been fighting for a few years now to save up money and get stability, so I don't know if the "Island of Saftey" hypothesis is correct yet but I do know there is a noticeable difference in how I feel day to day and it does feel like im moving towards something.
For those who see this video and are worried that they’re not going to be able to create that island of safety soon enough, please use that as an empathetic tool to be easier on yourself if you’re going through hardship.
Thankyou Daniel for changing my life 🙏❤️ feels like I have a voice in your form
A lot of people doesn't understand the childhood trauma because it didn't happened to them. The best therapists are the people who have been there because they understand the emotional pain 💔 you've experienced
Sounds an awful lot like a list of things you need to heal from trauma to get in the first place- stability, security, self-love, social success, financial security, actualization and achievement, consistent self-caare
Agree completely. My real healing didn’t occur until I had physical/ financial stability.
Maybe for some it takes years to build that island of safety. It's taken me many years to learn to take care of myself and I still screw up but I don't give up.
Mackler, You are the best therapist I have ever seen. You really get it.
Self-love tenderness self-forgiveness tenderness self hugs ......
I get so impatient with this. I want my traumas healed and I want my fucking life back. I don’t wanna start on dating or a career until my brain is fixed and it’s taking forever and I feel like I’m either making no progress or backsliding. Fuck the people who did this to me. This huge mess I have to fix.
Exactly I feel the same way. We get messed up and broken and we need to fix the mess even though it's not of our own doing, it was abuse done to us. The injustice of it all! Not to mention fixing our minds is extremely difficult, it's not easy like repairing or cleaning your home, or fixing a computer or it's programs, or repairing/fixing/ sowing clothes and bedding, it's much more difficult and extremely complex fixing your mind and resolving trauma is like entering a invisible parallel universe that exist in your mind with a gate to hell, to a battle field full of strong stormy weather of dark cold oceans of sadness and anger and almost drowning in it, and deserts of numbness, loneliness and dissociation, dark scary pools of shame, hatred and embarrassments, gloomy forest full of land mines, and hidden suppressed trauma buried underneath. A world of pain, hurt and negativity, it does take bravery, a stable strong mind set, maturity, inner strength and a stable safe living environment which is hard to achieve if you don't have the inner and outer strength to accomplish that safe environment in the first place because of the traumas and being stuck in a toxic environment that caused the traumas, many times with the abusers there themselves. The traumas prevents or slows down progress to create that safe place. It really is a catch 22. I experienced what Daniel talks about in the video, it is really dangerous if you don't know what your doing and don't have the proper help with real professional expertise at Daniel's level and no support like me. It can lead to suicide or sucide ideation and people behave like vultures they see someone vulnerable and weak with those opened trauma wounds and want to take advantage of you which leads to more trauma and hurt and the cycle repeats until you crash and burn and stay dead in life, years passing until you can get it together. You miss out in life and your youth all because of the abuse and the abusers. I tried getting help at 18/19 so I can start life ready with healing and strength only for it to backfire because i was still trapped in my abusive home and the mental health proffesionals betrayed my trust and made things worse multiple times along with the medical professionals. I seeked help from a mentor who didn't know how to help but wanted to and also made things worse. My mentor pushed me to go to college as a depressed sucidal disassociated person who had little to no guidance and support which is a recipe to disaster. That mentor should have known better as a 40 year old school teacher full of life experience with the youth and therapy, hence why I trusted their advice and I wanted to try with the false hope that I can be accomplished and move out of my toxic parents home with just pure willpower but me being in such a vulnerable and lost state couldn't handle the addtional stresses from the full time academic workload, BS and sometimes dangerous drama from my school peers along with the weird social dynamics and along with work from my stressful part time minimum wage job at the time with co workers BS drama, and top of the stressful and dangerous home environment, so I crashed and burned. Not to mentioned I went to college alone with no guidance because my mentor abandoned me after I started college. I didn't know how to navigate the system it was foreign to me. I only lasted 1 year. It's been a decade now where I'm finally safe to recover, but I a lost decade of youth. The most defining decade our lives, my 20s. It's unfair and unjust. I hate my parents.
Also how has your life been now 2 years after you posted this comment? Have you had any progress? And if so how did you accomplished it?
I broke up with my parents a couple months ago and that’s when I found your channel. This info is so helpful.
Best decision. People don't change unless they witness their faults within themselves. Great choice!
I wish I had known this a long time ago. I jumped right in and no one considered the side effects of facing all of this. It's very traumatizing to face all of this, especially when loyalties are too powerful and even inappropriate. People need to know this prior to actually doing the work. I did not know this until now. Thanks.
Tell me about it. I got into Stefan Molyneux’s work six years ago and started opening things up while I was still living with my family and broke. I had no idea of the importance of getting into a safe place in my life before going through this and costed me a lot of suffering and hardship.
If only more mental health workers had as much of a clue as you have. Thank you.
Thank you so much. You've not only explained what I've been going through, but what to do about it. If you haven't yet, please make a video on loving yourself.
Trauma causes cracks in the conscious mind which allows for unresolved trauma material to just come bubbling up from the unconscious through those cracks, whether or not one has safety and stabiity. One just has to embrace the "madness" of it all, oftentimes
Also the harm from living in a toxic society makes a big impact on people that is not measured.
This is 100% true .. We have to be careful not to be forced into addressing old trauma. I wish I knew this from before .. Unfortunately ..I was clueless through out this journey .. It’s a miracle that I’m still alive & kicking .. ~ I was totally unprepared & without a map. I was drowning in my dark oceans of pain ...Thank you for explaining the proper guidelines for doing recovery work in the safest way possible ..
Thank you for this video, I found it very eye-opening. I went to AA at a point where I was denying all possible facts about my past and my personality. In the 12 steps there was this assignment where you need to address the people who hurt you and forgive them and also write down every single thing you did that was wrong. I ended up deeply depressed & in mental hospital. After that I’ve really tried to get into the root of my problems and I did exactly this: I went through all the horrible suffering I have caused and I have been thinking about thise things over and over. At one point I was convinced that I have a personality disorder and that I am almost like a psycopath. Now when I look at my life, I am really not hurting anybody on purpose and I am doing my best to take care of rescue animals I adopted, I am helping others, even though I make mistakes I am doing more good that bad. I am not a bad person and I am finally realizing what actually happened to me and made me the way I was & that I am not that person anymore. That was never who I am. I am terribly sorry for the hurt and harm I have caused and take full responsibility for that. But I am working on my own healing now and learning to have empathy to myself for the trauma I was forced to go through as a small girl who was helpless and not guilty for the abuse I was subjected to & told it was all my fault so I was unable to work on those things and heal.
Thank you Daniel, one of your most practical videos, and it makes so much sense. I did try to dive deep in my traumas, alone, because of too many horrible experiences with therapists. Result: no being able to cook, hardly eat or exercise, for weeks, and finally, got sick. Having to go back to your parents, who are often your first traumatizers, is the cherry on the pie.
So this video puts a light on a question that has haunted me for months: what environment does a person need in order to grow and heal safely.
Now if I have to choose between fading slowly of the consequences of trauma, or try to find (or build), that environment, I'll take a chance for the second option. Step by step, but with the assurance that it is the right thing to do. This video comes just at the right time to confirm the necessity for me of building my life around my healing. what a realization, and a relief..
THIS ONE NEEDS TO GO VIRAL
I think many find it hard to build that stable life without first doing the trauma work.
Ya if only it was this simple
Safety, stability, self love
Pre care and after care
Without externals to regulate mood
Understand trauma and Grieve loss
Thank you for another great video. In all the help I’ve sought over the past few decades to resolve the painful feelings inside me that constantly bubble out and derail me and my life, your perspective most closely aligns with what I have always felt I needed. The words “trauma” and “grieving” and “healing” weren’t in my vocabulary in discussing it, but they were fuzzy concepts in my psyche that I was trying to grasp and articulate.
I’ve sought help from therapists in the past to dive into where these incapacitating feelings come from and deal with them in a healthy way so they don’t keep derailing every path I take to attempt to move forward in my life, but no therapist ever seemed to know how to - or to want to - really handle trauma, and every attempt made me feel even worse. The idea that we can heal ourselves has been so freeing and inspired so much hope in me. I’m not in a place currently to set off into that journey, but I have real hope for my future now.
What if you need to face trauma to move forward.
I’ve been struggling with my mental health and my relationship with my parents since I was 10-12(I’m almost 20 now). And I believe I had to face or at least acknowledge the trauma that their parenting caused. Allowing me to see my dad as a narcissist and my moms toxic behavior she developed from my fathers abuse. I believe that seeing things as they are, allowed me to discover that I couldn’t count on anyone else to save me.
Yes, I found a therapist that was a safe place to share, and form my own voice after years of silence. But I had to realize that I had to be there for my inner child. My parents will not change and I can’t expect everyone to be what I need. I need to hold myself.
I do wish I was away from my parents at the moment(I’m working on just going back and staying at college), but that isn’t my reality right now. I don’t think staying in the same mindset and self blame would’ve been good. I couldn’t wait for a safe environment. I had to advocate for myself, and acknowledge the trauma as their own faults and not my own.
I do love your videos and I highly respect your knowledge and insight, but I don’t think avoiding opening up the trauma until your in a better situation is good.
Sometimes it needs to be seen to motivate people to get out of their situations.
And not everyone has the luxury of getting into a safe environment.
I hear ya. Sometimes you have to deal with the traumas in order to move forward. I found not knowing how to cope with the intense emotions would be detrimental and defeat the purpose for me. So I have come to think and believe (at least for some of us) that learning how to cope with those emotional flashbacks and triggers is really important to getting through the difficulty of facing and working through the traumas. DBT skills work for some. You don't need a group. There's workbooks out there that tell you how to apply it on your own. Have you read Pete Walker's books? I have found them helpful.
-The Tao of Fully Feeling
and
-Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
I hope this helps a little.
You're so right Daniel, I often felt worse after therapy because my relationship with my self was completely broken. I also resorted to blaming myself and viewing myself as evil for some of the things that I had done, before understanding and processing the trauma I was put through. This video and many others on your channel are a gem.
The context for bad things we’ve done feels so essential. Without that it’s like we’re left with the “well this had to come from somewhere, must have been who I really am”. The more context I get the more I see these things not as not being my fault, but making total sense as choices or impulses given what I’d survived for the first overwhelming majority of my life.
Its hard but the context for understanding is within all of us and is very specific to us.
I'm been binge-watching Daniel's vids and I'm so glad to see this one! I've been to two therapists for strong anxious-attachment style behaviors as well as issues dealing with limerence over unavailable men. The first therapist lasted only a year but I was already seeing some red flags. He called himself a "vulnerability junkie" and did not understand that what I really needed was self-empowerment (aka self-control) and boundaries. Any attempt I made in trying to voice my need for boundaries and self-control, he dismissed and would say "no one is in control". Wow...
The second therapist would get irked at my limerent issues (I understand I could get quite obsessive), and would guilt me into doing deep-enquirey sessions where I'd have to do a deep dive of painful memories of the past. Although I understand that is where the root of these things lie, she was eager to move at pace quicker than I was comfortable with so we can get to seeing "results". In hindsight, I wish she would let me talk of my obsessions because a lot could be inferred from them instead of being dismissive of them. So many ties could have been made to my parents' own compulsive behaviors. But my biggest red flag was when I voiced my going no contact with my parents and she was trying to maneuver me out of it.
I think that's the other thing therapists often suffer from - they seem to have a bit of a god/saviour's complex, where they try and idealize outcomes and push for a kumbaya existence. I dropped her too because I felt like excuses were being made for my parents who I've already been gray-rocking/going low contact for the last 28 years before I could bear it no longer and cut the cord.
I think therapists who specialize in CPTSD and have been through and done their own healing work is what's needed, instead of trying this "one size fits all" approach.
This man’s videos bring so much clarity I’m gonna cry
You really get it Daniel🙏
Thank you Daniel!🦋🕊
Really great and true! Thanks!!
Thank you, these are some very important things I never even realised! A must watch vid for anyone who wants to heal :)
I feel like it's really hard to build a foundation of safety without having Trauma treatment first.
We did 7 years of dbt therapy and tried building a life, but stability just wasn't happening without Trauma processing.
We didn't even feel like we could want to be safe, before doing a lot of trauma processing, because wanting to be safe was not safe home 🤦
So interesting how just at a moment when I feel relatively stable in life and in a very good relationship with my husband, all the pain of my childhood and relationship with my family has come open wide... I think it is only possible because I am in a relatively safe place that I am capable of facing the pain.
My parent was sexually abused as a child. Turned into an abusive alcoholic parent. We were never aware of the abuse until the process of seeking justice against the abuser came up during our adulthood. The process of coming forward with the truth of what happened did not make the abuse or self-destructive behavior of my parent any better. Infact, when coming forward with the story of what had happened to them as a child, my parent, in the same breath and leaving no room for misperception of the syllogism intended to be rammed through to our psyches, said, "and that's probably why I've been a drunk asshole my whole life." The act of dredging up past trauma, bringing it into the light for all to know, can only be helpful in a context that is 100% ready for full truth in discourse. In the context of my own parent/child relationship, the revelation put a gigantic roadblock in my search for a healthier relationship with my parent as a clear abuser/abused (my parent/myself) dynamic turned into a much less clear "abused abuser/abused" scenario. And the sad part is that my alcoholic, abuse victim parent is clearly aware of this at least subconsciously because they have taken the opportunity to continue to act like the drunken asshole they admitted to being.
Do you think that they will change any time soon? Or will they continue to act in a way that hurts you? How long are you willing to put up with that for? Is it worth it?
Hey Daniel! I really wanna thank you from this video. I am in therapy now and I am doing prerequasites when confronting my trauma. This is exactly What you are speaking I am doing right now. Thanks you Very much from these videos!
For anyone looking for a roadmap, read Daniel's book
Toward Truth: A Psychological Guide to Enlightenment.
The first one already is so true. I’ve started healing, but because my husband refuses to grow up and lied to me about some things, causing me betrayal trauma and stress (and right in the middle of a breakthrough for me) he is getting in the way of my healing. :/ But not all is lost - I’ve learned a lot from this too. And I know now I need to build a safe environment for myself, even if it means living by myself or being single.
You give me so much to think about.. I just finished a 2 day training (cognitive processing therapy for PTSD) and well, the trainer made some really interesting points. It surprised me that the trainer said the actual trauma didn’t even need to be discussed in therapy, but that the thoughts (that the patient has daily anyway) about the trauma is what should be brought to therapy instead. She emphasized that the patient doesn’t need to be “ready” as you have described here. I think she would say that a lot of the prerequisites that you described would be easier to achieve once the person is able to stop having trauma triggers (she emphasized the person being able to engage the prefrontal cortex better after treatment). I hope I was able to articulate the ideas in her training correctly . I’m not saying I disagree w you here. It’s a lot to think about and a HUGE responsibility for anyone working w people coming to them for help w their trauma. Thanks Daniel 🙏
A year ago, I graduated with a masters degree in psychotherapy from a prestigious university. In my program, very little instruction was given to students on practical counselling skills. The faculty in the program are all psychologists who are involved in research, but do very little actual counselling. The program focused more on theory, concepts, and academia. Unfortunately as a psychotherapy intern, I made some mistakes with some clients by rushing them, particularly during intake. This was due to inexperience but also, my program did not properly train me as to how to have those real-world, real-time, complex conversations about trauma. I was mostly drawing upon my past experience as a peer support worker to inform how I navigated those challenging conversations. I had to figure out how to actually ethically talk about trauma on my own through trial and error. I learned more about how to actually counsel from doing my own independent research (and external training) than I did from the university I attended. At this point in my professional development, I can say that I am much more informed and aware about the necessity of mindfully pacing these conversations with respect to where the client is at in their journey.
Maybe teach them coping skills when the traumatic memories hit them particularly hard. Even something as simple as stopping them and getting them to take several deep breaths to calm their minds and cortisol release. DBT has a whole bunch of those skills to offer. Then you pick and choose and use different ones that work for each individual. Traumatized people have difficulty with self soothing and self calming. Talking about the crap that happened creates intense emotional response and it's hard for us to come back down until we know what to do to help ourselves do that. It would be really helpful if more therapists knew about that and helped their clients to calm down in session even if it means stopping them in mid rant because pattern interrupt in itself is helpful.
@@wordivore Thank you for your comment. I agree with what you said and you've given some very helpful suggestions here (re: DBT) for people to consider and utilize. In the university program I attended, we were not given training as to how to guide a client through these processes. We briefly read about it in our textbooks and had some short class discussions on it, but I was never actually instructed and coached as to how to actually do it. When I graduated, I did give feedback to the program on how they can improve but as Daniel has also commented, this is a widespread issue in these university programs. Once one acquires their degree, it is still a profession that absolutely requires continuous training, which I have actively engaged in.
@@jaysmithcool Thanks for receiving my comment and ideas so kindly. It's nice to know there are therapists out there who really want to use what helps and are open to and do continue learning.
Thank you Daniel.
Honestly this almost word for word explains the mistakes I had made in recovering.
Amazing work!
Yup me too.
beautiful. thank you for talking and sharing your experiences and knowledge. thank you!
XLNT sectioning out of the different phases!
Safety First!
Then separate out the shame from the memory because shame makes us silent.
The rest flows out from there.
Bless you!
Good point never thought about this preparation step very attentive
I did lots of psychedelics with almost no support before or after. That is the norm. After the first time I couldn't sleep, so I called the Shaman and he referred me to an acupuncturist. Some of the shamans supplied me of lists of therapists who were familiar with what I'd done and could help, but it was optional and I usually couldn't afford it.
That is an important point, yes all those emotions are there, we need to grieve
Thanks.
While I believe some of your ideas are good in theory, I’m not sure how practical it is to achieve for a majority of patients/clients out there. I think building that type of foundation in the beginning of a journey through psychotherapy is good to establish prior to diving in head first into the past trauma.
I did my thesis on childhood trauma on “the longitudinal effects of childhood as it relates to psychopathology and pathophysiology”... what I’ve learned was how incredibly nuanced, complex, and interrelated the construct of trauma in childhood.
Excellent points! This is what AA & all the other anonymous groups are missing
To grieve I must be independent, to independent I must work, can I work while grieving? I assume a part of independency is a separation from the family system?
I think of what your talking about as creating a cushion round the person before going into the difficult stuff. yup unconditional positive regard the flash word for love
thank you
Thanks! One thing that, to a certain extent, bothers me in the AA 12 steps program is that it focuses mainly on the carl one caused and trying to fix it, but in my understanding less attention is paid to the traumas and abuses one has suffered. I think it is important to acknowledge both.
Excellent
Regarding people ending up in psychiatric hospitals due to therapists, apparently that is not uncommon in UK - breakdowns precipitated by psychoanalysis for example, as if its acceptable.... they probably blame the patient...
Thankyou.
a few nights ago i took a hot and long bath for the first time, it was very hot, i felt like i was sweating at my head and maybe even under water. then i went to bed, and just a few hours later (once my head cooled off from the bath) i woke up in the middle of the night in possibly the most horrible state i've ever experienced. it's hard to put into words, but i'll try to describe it: it was like neurological-mental delirium. it was like every moment, time and space just felt so horribly wrong, like neurological-mental torture, like having needles inside your prefrontal cortex and not feeling the needles physically but experiencing the consequences of it in your moment to moment experience. such state decreased after some minutes, fortunately. has anyone experienced anything like it? or heard of any similar experience? my hypothesis is that i have very high levels of toxins and heavy metals that have stored in the brain, both due to having always been skinny, as well as intestinal problems, maybe parasites (ever since i tried eating raw meat), thus leading to leaky gut and many toxins being released in circulation. another hypothesis is brain parasites or brain larvae (known as cysticercosis or neurocysticercosis). i'm considering doing a brain mri but am also scared that it may react very badly with such levels of neurotoxicity or heavy metals, due to the magnetic field, which i fear may also trigger some horrible state.
i only experienced such state 2 times in my life. the other time was about a month ago, when i got high fever for just one day (which reached 39°C). it was night time when the temperature got that high. i took a hot bath then (for the first time in years), before going to bed. i still couldn't sleep due to high fever, so i took a low dose (250mg) of paracetamol. i fell asleep thanks to it, and my head and body started cooling down a bit. again, just a few hours after falling asleep, i suddenly woke up with that horrible horrible state of neurological-mental delirium. my hypothesis is that the heat displaced heavy metals (or larvae), and once i cool off, well, they are displaced in brain tissue or something.
Why do these harsh realities only hit some folks when they hit mid-life?
I think maybe it has a lot to do with exactly what he said, people need to be in a safe and stable environment in order to deal with their trauma. When you are young and scrambling to establish yourself in the world, you might find that the idea of confronting the trauma directly is too daunting, and trying so would bring your life to a halt, so instead you push it to the back of your mind and focus on other things like working, paying bills, etc. Only after becoming stable, there's no need to repress it anymore, and the trauma rears it's ugly head.
@@v838monocerotis9 Yes I agree I tried confronting my traumas and depression when I was young at 18/19 and what you said exactly happened.
thank you (:
I appreciate the caution that people should have a safe and stable life and an environment that holds them emotionally before they open up to processing childhood trauma. But a safe and stable life isn't that precisely what people with childhood trauma don't have, and isn't this shortage/lack part of why they seek therapy?
It seems to me to be a bit of a catch-22 or an unsolvable paradox...
I started sorting out my traumatic childhood experiences with my narcissistic father just to learn a few weeks later that my mom had cancer. I was still financially dependent on my family, who is in denial of my dad's abusive behavior, and it's been two years of psychological hell. On one hand, saying goodbye to my mom and seeing it crystal clear how much she was still psychologically harmed by my dad (but never figured out or looked at her own trauma), seeing her blaming herself for everything that she's done as if she was a monster, wanting to apologize to me and my siblings while she still could, was an eye opener of how unfair it was and how much she deserved my love and empathy. On the other hand, she was unsupportive of me going no contact with him, and that hurt a lot. I managed to tell her that I'm deeply sorry that she was emotionally abused by him as well, and that was an important and meaningful conversation. But I never had the courage to bring up the fact that he molested me in front of her. Part of it was trying to not interfere with her process of saying goodbye, and part of it was a deep fear that she'd invalidate me and say I'm crazy and that I was imagining it.
It's hard as fuck, but getting physical distance (I moved to another country) and not being financially dependent on them has been doing miracles for my mental health.
Wow, that's a lot of seriously traumatic shit to deal with. Hopefully you are still doing better after the move.
This is very interesting but l am confused, l went to therapy because l had no support system, stabilty or self-love. lt was a four-year horror show.
Hopefully you have learned something. After a forty-minute horror show, call it quits on that therapist and find someone else. Healing means taking full responsibility for yourself, your time, your money, your relationships. Finding the right fit in therapy, at work, with friends, etc. It's far too easy to blame "being stuck" on a therapist. Daniel has a few amazing videos (plus many more on RUclips) about finding a good therapist. Once you find one, the magic happens.
Me too.
@@firehorse9996 Its true. It is about taking responsibility. I stayed with my last therapist too long. I'm starting again. I think I might finally be learning something about myself. The key for me is to never give up. Life is hard but the journey makes it worth it to me.
My clinical therapy was hit or miss ..I think I might have gotten more out of it, if I had some guidelines ..
I had a three year horror show... then you need therapy for that.
What counts as processing trauma and how do you know when you have processed and healed from something? Sometimes you dont even realize an event from your past is affecting you so i struggle to know where to start and when to know to end. So far all i do is write it down but what else?
..... self-direction gentleness
While I still want to set up an island of safety, a part of me still wants to heal even if I live with my family.. I don't want to wait for so long to finally release my traumas. My heart wants to heal anyways, and I'm not sure what to do, is there any advise you would give? It can be a struggle due to their judgements and lack of privacy, but i hope to move out in the few years to come.
I hav my therapist say to develop a island of safety to tell my traumas but im not in a condition to do so. Also i feel by going head on with dealing traumas which i am against daniel advice i able to create the prerequisites by healing my trauma. This video is for ppl who are sensitive n less resilient n also hav worser traumas to open up. I feel by facing my emotional abuse i hav been able to do the prerequisites of self love, better sleep, n better understanding. Im have become less suicidal. I think this video is not for us but for others. For us with need to face traumas to achieve the prerequisites mentioned in this video. I take it as a video targeted to certain individuals not us. Thanks for this comment you saved my hand from typing
This is correct but for another reason when your childhood trauma causes changes to your brain development the flight or fight response chemicals released in the brain you need to get this part under control first
happy independence day.
Therapists, especially analitical, often only listen to you and open your traumas without making constructive statements about them and changing your subconcious believes about being worthless, uncompetent etc. When you manage to do that, you can even face your bullies right away, if you want to ;).
Is talking about our traumas a critical step in healing? What are your thoughts on DBT as a means for achieving what one wants in life as well as training yourself to be your own parent in a way?
I`m not Daniel, but I guess that DBT stands for helping you organize that support system. My friend with depression was attending DBT for a few months - it helped her to find more friends, to sleep and eat better. She stopped that therapy, because she found ways to support herself, but she felt that after that she wanted to understand her reactions and work through her traumas.
I didn't like going to terapists because i felt they cared less about me, even seem bored and bothered. I aready had the "nobody cares about me" since i can remember, and to go and expose myself, my shame, my guilt, my history. It was like another traumatized event another shameful event.
I do not understand this: you can have recollection from the past but not true emotion connected with it?
Yes. Remembering the event and remembering the emotion are different kinds of memory
Dr. Salvador Roquet, in Mexico back in the '60s, treated people with psychedelics. He wanted people to have a bummer trip, because that's when the stuff they were holding in came out, and he could work with it. I imagine being in the presence of a caring person while undergoing a painful drug experience would be categorically different than going through it with no one or just yourself.
"Bummer trips" can leave people with lasting mental damage and even cause PTSD. That "doctor" was a horrible, stupid person who belonged in a cell
saadanam kayyilundo ?
I feel like if you had an adequate sense of justice in your environment it would help alot. Alot of the time it's like a half support kinda deal, like they are still in a confusion from their medieval programming, and they think all people are inherently wrong. Which is surface level bullshit really..
I can’t shake my twin brother who physically, emotionally and sexually abused me. Haven’t spoken to him for a year since the flashbacks started. My mother says the issue is between the two of us - denial, gaslighting.
I’ve done everything I can to cut the ties but our mother gave us joint ownership of a piece of land - due to my trauma I’m paralyzed and don’t have the money to get a land agent to sell it. Feels like I’ll never be free
rent it, maybe to loud kids so he doesn't get rest
@@goncalocartaxana he will probably sexually, mentally and emotionally abuse the neighbor kids too. People like that shouldn't be a around children or people especially as neighbors. It sucks for Kate she's in a catch 22, I hope she's doing better now.
OT I do not know what you did but you suddenly look 15 years younger
i see a ring on his finger. is he married?
I agree that what you are describiung sound like really good prerequisits for healing but maybe just for my brain that gets stuck here a little bit you are talking too linearly: You have to start somewhere and often because ppl are so traumatized they create a shitty environment for them so I would rather call it a first step in healing your trauma to start making an "island of safety", but I also think that sometimes that maybe isn´t even possible. Sometimes you are so stuck in your trauma that you simply can´t see why you should break from your abusive husband or parents, that you should allow yourself to get self care etc so I would say sometimes you have to start the healing process just a little bit before, then change your life for the better, then open up a bit more and so forth and also that you should not look at your bad behavior first, well, if you are abusing your children I suggest you actually start looking at that a little bit, because if you continue the behavior then you are going to make it worse and worse, though ofc maybe stopping is only possible healing a little bit and then looking at it a little more in the context of what you experienced and then healing a little more... Again, I would say it´s gotta be somewhat circular rather than linear. Also some things just come up at times you can´t always say: Let´s postpone that for in a yr. Life hardly works that way and it will sometimes stab you in the back. But I agree that therapists are waaay too intrusive at times and want too much opening up in a short amount of time where life adjustments or integration of the healed things aren´t possible. That´s obviously screwed.
Good luck, severe trauma is blunt force that affects the way the brain works placing it in a weak, susceptible position... amnesia is regulated right away by mixing events and causality, a distinction from apathy that way no one wants to go to war with each other. Psychosis becomes a delayed reaction emerging information while Onset dimentia is regulated with schizophrenic like symptoms. Night terrors, panic delusions, scenario anxiety. How to train your dragon with early onset trauma is another thing. There's no way to tell if the child is traumatized there is a distinction between trauma and predisposition, when A child senses the outcome is trauma before it happens by emotional affectivity, and we got you this shirt that's says I don't care.
As you stated herein, you, Daniel, have posted so many videos about healing our childhood trauma....now, you present the "before you start"!? I feel that through this channel, and prior to this video, you have done exactly what you're saying therapists that don't know better do. Disappointed and scared by this.
Interesting point