#1 NARCISSISM Expert: Are You Dealing With A Narcissist!? Watch Out For THESE SIGNS! w/ Dr. Ramani
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- Опубликовано: 20 май 2024
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Today we welcome back a School of Greatness favorite, licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula. In this episode we discuss a groundbreaking guide for anyone struggling to understand and recover from the effects of narcissistic relationships.
Get Dr. Ramani's book, "It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People": amzn.to/48UikBM
Listen to this episode on the go!
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0:00 Intro
00:03:50 - Dissociation and Loss in Narcissistic Relationships
00:07:26 - The Power of Intimacy and Old Scripts
00:11:12 - The Complexity of Narcissistic Relationships
00:14:47 - Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior
00:18:20 - The Danger of Chemistry and Connection
00:22:09 - The Process of Trauma Bonding
00:25:37 - Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding
00:29:17 - Seeking a Healthy Relationship
00:32:55 - Fear of Regret and Indifference in Relationships
00:36:21 - The Charm of Narcissists
00:39:54 - Characteristics of Charming and Charismatic Individuals
00:43:32 - Different Types of Narcissism
00:46:53 - Self-Righteous Narcissism and Neglectful Narcissism
00:50:27 - Neglectful Narcissists and Emotional Socialization
00:53:57 - The Gendered Experience of Emotions in Boys and Men
00:57:34 - The Impact of Parenting on Narcissistic Traits
01:01:11 - The Importance of Attunement in Relationships and Parenting
01:04:29 - The Importance of Being Present for Your Children
01:08:34 - The Difficulty of Forgiving Narcissistic Abuse
01:12:28 - The Treachery of Forgiveness
01:16:11 - Tools for Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
01:19:43 - Giving Life a Chance
01:23:17 - The Percolation of Passive Aggression
For more info about this episode, go to lewishowes.com/1577
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Thanks to the Dr. Ramani for sharing her expertise! Leave a “YES” if you enjoyed this and share the biggest moment for you. And make sure to subscribe to never miss out on inspiring content like this again RUclips.com/lewishowes
She saved my life❤
Yes, great interview. Dr Ramani has the most incredible insight and knowledge in this area, thank you 🫶
Gracias Lewis
ahora la traducción en español please. Gracias
I appreciate it
Incredible interview
Being in a narcissistic relationship is like dying a slow and painful death...
I relate it to emotional water boarding.
100% agreed
And being told you are problematic because you’re dying is bothering them in some way
@@TM-zb8nq YES. Thank you for articulating that.
@Jennifermcintyre personally, I think that is how it is,
That's what I felt
When you first date a Narcissist they are on their best behavior and if they like you, they will hold that good behavior until they feel they HAVE you
They mirror your behaviour so really you like yourself. That’s why you feel connected with them.
Yes!!!
Exactly
So true!
FACTS
I only forgive myself for not knowing about narcissism back in time🙏🤗💝
I saw this message and I would like for you to read it. I live in a narcissism relationship. “Remember, every thing in life happens for a reason, good days tells you life is beautiful, bad days tells you there is more to learn in life. Good people gives you valuable memories and bad people gives you valuable lessons. So believe, everything in life happens for a reason ❤
I do not believe that in my life a higher purpose was served By being married to someone who convinced my children and myself that I was a lesser human being.
Yes , I had a complicated childhood , maybe a setup, But I spent almost twice as long married as I did single. There was no higher purpose served and I apologize to my children..
❤
Same here 💯 😊
I totally understand that
The best advice I’ve ever gotten to avoid dating narcissists is to make your life as FULL as possible. With friends, family, hobbies, passions, volunteering, community, faith, fun, etc. When I look back to all the times I fell victim to a toxic person and stayed too long, I realize that I was quite isolated, feeling lonely, and also overwhelmed with stress (from work, school, etc). Now I know NOT to date AT ALLLL when I can’t fill up my life with things that fill my cup.
It's not easy for people to build these things
@@NightinGal89 it's definitely not easy, but it's harder living without trying to do this. starting small like practicing hobbies with other people, going to meet up groups, etc. can all help. nurturing the relationships/friendships you already have
This is the best possible
Comment. Focussing on things that one has to DO instead of NOT!
A narcissist in one’s life is a teacher. Mainly to break our false sense of self. It’s to break down the people pleasing personality, and not to seek approval and love outside of oneself.
Great advice! Thank you so much!
If you can say no without getting pushback, set a boundary without being met with anger/manipulation, and feel safe when you’re feeling unwell and vulnerable, you’re probably with someone who is pretty emotionally intelligent and healthy.
Where they at though? Haha!
@@kalaoahaoleMy thoughts exactly!!
Be careful who you let into your life! Always be vigilant!
observe their actions, not just words!
Heck I let a high school love back into my life after 45 years,wow did I get a un- wanted lesson.i was so content with my life,what a head game she was.Glad she is gone,too much stress.
True but sometimes they're in your life from birth...I had a mother and an older sister, try living with that especially when they would group together. Unfortunately took me a long time to realise they were narcissists.
Not easy when it's one of your parents
@@chelseabrina go no contact, delete and block them.
Dealing with a narcissist, you always will feel like you are walking on eggshells, like dancing on a glass floor where each step risks breaking your self-esteem. Maintain strong boundaries, protect your mental space, find a strong support system to help keep your vibes up.
What exactly is a narcissistic
@@vanitagomes3794 The term “narcissist” as many conceive is not just someone being vain and too self-centered, but it’s also about the emotional drain that those around them face. They lack empathy and exploit others for their personal gain. They constantly seek validation in order to fill the emptiness within them, but yet that void continues to grow, leaving them unsatisfied and wanting more. There are different types where each manifests itself in different ways, making it a complex personality spectrum with varying characteristics.
Agreed 👍
@@gopremiummedia29455You nailed it!
And don't stay in a relationship with a narcissist.
" you are not broken, it is not your fault, you will be loved"
🧡
After 40 years of NPD abuse I will never ever trust a human every again. I will also never forget. I love my dog because I trust him.
I totally understand this.
Why shouldnt we find solace in these sweet animals rather than go through destructive drama again?
Why does society admire human romantic relationships so much though they are too often a source of pain?
Animals are the best 🐕 🐱 💕
@ShivaLadiva-sb9nw it's because we have been programmed to want emotional love. When in reality, true love is dispassionate. Emotional love is mamas love aka Satan's love. God's love is truth. There is no highs and no lows. If you knew true love, a narcissist would be unable to affect you in anyway. The first time the narc struck you'd end it without emotion. Yeah i know you ain't trying to hear the truth. But be certain that the neg feeling u get by reading this is your evil. Imagine how evil you have to be to try to make it work with a narc just because they are 'perfect for you' in some way. Most of you ladies seek this out.
Ditto...40 years! "Burn it Down!"
Start again- "I am the gray rock"
YES! Biggest moment: hearing that not forgiving someone who continues to destroy people’s sense of safety does not mean I am a bitter person 🙏
You know when the relationship is good when you try to find excuses to break up but can't find any. Instead when the relationship is toxic your making excuses in your head for staying.
So True thx
Damn!!!!😮😮😮
So very true well spotted
It feels like a dream... My only relationships that could have come close to this did not last long (for various reasons)... But then, in many relationships, the cracks start to show a few months down the line.
I could listen to this woman all day.
Thanks for being here!
Me and you both. It's fascinating that Dr Ramani has brought to light what I've been dealing with for the last 20 years.
Me the last 50. I’m so grateful for Dr Ramani, in sharing free and helpful information that’s right on time to bring forward our healing , she is a gift to humanity. ❤🙏
Same
She is the finest at making you feel heard and understood. God bless her.❤
It’s hard to tell on the first date because a lot of narcissists are on their best behavior until they feel like they’ve got you hooked
They always make a great first impression. Then you'll notice they are arrogant and think too highly of themselves, they are very competitive and have to be the best, smartest, have to always win. Their true colors come out when they get mad at you then will run away, give silent treatment, gossip about you, grasping at straws to insult you any way they can, get hysterical and unhinged, blame you for everything, refuse to ever apologize because they are perfect and can never be wrong, hold grudges and act vindictive.
I was groomed, by my narcissistic dad, since i was a kid, to go along with his sick games. I refuse, now. Too bad for him!
Yass!! Sometimes they're on their best behavior until the wedding night
Tell them no. Discuss a topic. Stick to your boundaries. They will reveal themselves before the 1st date.
@@homespace1268so true.
Not all Narcs are charming and have charisma . Covert narcs could be introvert , shy and quiet .
Yes. He was also very vulnerable and sweet which I adored. An awkward and obviously insecure and seemed very human and uncool which is very cool to me.
@@1love847Once you spotted him or her dealing with strangers who crossed them, or they think they crossed them. The lack of empathy then is obvious as day and night.
@@synesthesiafilms I didn't find it that obvious with the covert narcissist I knew. These people are very good at playing the victim, so it's ALWAYS their opponent who is the bad guy and they will be very good at convincing you of that. It took me about 18 months to realise they weren't as much of a victim as I thought and were actually very antagonistic to these people who they were falling out with.
Those are the most dangerous.
Absolutely, they are in the victim mentality mindset and are in constant need of external validation. It's truly sickening 😢
This lady has literally saved my life way back when before the entire world knew about narcissists!
I think it’s more so forgiving our selves for NOT knowing who and what we were dealing with:A narcissist devil. 👿
self forgiveness is key! ❤
Yes!! Forgiveness & empathy for oneself and getting to the feeling of INDIFFERENCE towards the narcissist was healing for me.
But, how could we have known?
@@patriciaalbertson5183 Right! Great Question! 🙋♀️ We would not have known without much education and experience. I learned by experience it can take many months and years to realize these traits in people. Blessings
@@patriciaalbertson5183That's very true! It seems information about narcissism & narcissistic traits has only been on youtube for the last 5 or 6 yrs. or so. I can't say about other sources on the internet. Of course, I could be wrong. I didn't learn about narcissism until I was already 3mos. into a relationship with one. Ironically, it was My narcissistic ex gf who was the one who brought it to my attention when she spoke about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her stepfather. I don't know how much of her childhood abuse is true or exaggerated, All I know is after I started learning about it on my own, I could not deny all the evidence I had seen & heard from her in the 3mos. we were together. I'm just grateful there was information available to help me wake up in time(My Sincerest Thanks to Dr. Ramani, and many other channels who educated me), and go no contact before any serious obligations(financial, emotional, or familial) were established between us. Though it didn't last very long, I still needed to heal. Mainly from my own childhood & insecurities, but that toxic relationship opened my eyes, and helped me see the changes I needed to make to become a more mature person. I finally learned to stop blaming myself, and forgave her for my own well being. I saw firsthand how anger & bitterness destroyed someone very close to me. And I knew that if I did not let the pain she inflicted on me pain go, I would slowly end up the same way. I'm not saying it was easy either, but letting go of that pain & desire for revenge has really set me free in so many ways. It was worth work of slowing down, and taking the time to heal & process properly.
I’m 70 and still not giving up for love ❤💗
yesssss! ❤❤
Good! I met THE BEST man at age 72! We got married and we are both SO HAPPY! ( I’m now 80.)
I love your spirit Barb ❤
Beautiful
Me too!
I divorced my family and all my negative friends when I started having boundaries and and started being careful who I let into my life. I feel so much better. I still run into narcissistic people. I thought it was just men but it’s woman as well.
It’s any human
Woman too? HELL YES!!!!
I say I’m a Narc magnet….I don’t know why I’m a good target for them.
Yes!!❤It is a process breaking away from such a strong trauma bond! That is, we must arm ourselves as we learn to develop healthy boundaries and discernment! Men and women narcissistic people are drawn to us as empathic people! BONDAGE IS CHAINS AND BOUNDARIES ARE FREEDOM!! ❤I personally developed a very close relationship with God as I understand Him, and I am so grateful to the people in my life who understand and truly accept me as I am! We are learning to ❤love ourselves and we are overcoming so much! Yes! The body does keep the score!! Read, listen, learn! Freedom costs us something, and we are WORTH THE INVESTMENT!! ❤ May God help us to heal together and to embrace our lives as precious gifts!! We are precious, eternal souls! ❤
Yeah i'm very negative I don't blame you. It's taxing. I'm tired of it and it causes health issues. What helps me is watching funny videos to get my mind off of my negativity.
THANK YOU Doctor Ramani! I was molested as a toddler by my mother's sister and my mother is still in good contact with her sister and blatantly expected (DEMANDED) me to forgive and forget (WITHOUT ANY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT NOR APOLOGY). That is something I WILL NEVER FORGIVE my mother for!
You can forgive but you don't have to forget
❤ may be it helps if you understand that people only can act on the level of their own consciousness ... ❤❤❤
I dont believe in forgiving people for those types of things.
Anger is a sacred feeling that is there to protect you from further harm. Like how pain teaches you not to keep picking up a hot cup. Also, forgiving someone for that... just simply makes no sense. It is unforgivable.
I hope you have found some inner peace for yourself. I'm very sorry that you've had to cope with what that horrible person did. I'm very sorry.
Your mum doesn't deserve your time or energy.
Oh my god that is horrific! Poor wee child. It’s absolutely understandable that you would never forgive such a betrayal! You are NOT required to forgive behaviour which is unforgivable. Stay loyal to your inner child and care for that wee inner child 🙏 🕊 ❤
@@lizwilliamson8332 true there are unforgivable acts , in that situation the person has to forgive THEMSELVES.
I think the main reason we get stuck with a narcissist is a saviour complex. The Light wants to heal the Dark and does not give up hope. Some angels are using us. But I gave up. I'm not a Saviour anymore. It's time for myself to enjoy the Light with peace and love .
Wow.. I felt that ! That has been me till now. But I don't want to be one from now on !
Never fall in love with someone's "potential." They are what they are.....Resist rescuing
AMEN sister!!! I can 10000% relate to your beautifully put statement!! ❤❤
@@IntrospectiveWoman Thank you ! Blessings 😇
Exactly😊
I had a relationship with a narcissist that only lasted two months but in that short amount of time, my feelings of self-worth were seriously injured. That was three years ago and I'm still healing. Looking back, knowing what I know now, every sign of toxic behavior was there. It's true that grief takes time, but in that time, that's three years of my being vigilant and making sure it never happens again. Always be careful with who you let into your life in the first place!
Forgiveness works if the abuse stops. But when it just keeps continuing … the only way to find peace is to get this toxic person out of your life forever.
I pre-ordered Dr Ramani’s book. She is quite literally an Angel amongst us.
Thanks for being here!
Indeed she is.
Yes, she is.
"Empaths, they don't monopolise the conversation." Spot on..
Love her take on forgiveness. Spot on and she should write a book on that alone.
🙏
yupp!!
Forgiveness is sometimes societal pressure when you're not really ready to forgive. And narcissists don't even value it deep inside. Dr Ramani shines again in this interview.
Society(some members) expect me to forgive and forget, repeatedly, also known as letting him off the hook. They enable him. It is pathetic. Dad is my narcissist. He expects to bet let off the hook, that is wrong!
Thanks!
😢Been there, done that suffered 😔for years, kids grown and I'm gone, I forgave over and over, but now no longer will be in relationship and I feel better being able to say no more and mean it.😅😅🎉
I don't forgive 'The Devil's!😡😡
Forgiveness is the way you can let go of the anger within you. It's for you, not them. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget, or stay with that person. I forgive, but I still can't stand him, and I want karma to catch up with him tenfold! 😂 Narcs are really demons in skin suits! But evil feeds off negative energy, so if your negative energy is gone, they have nothing to feed off, and then they die! When I saw him to get my belongings, a month after leaving, he looked like he aged 10 years! Even with his new supply! My friend says he looks like a crack head!
So refreshing to hear that i dont need to forgive. And its ok. I just move on. Out of sight out of mind. And its okay…❤️
I had happy, supportive parents, and I was sucked into marriage by a malignant narcissist. I had ZERO clue what was happening when his true, cruel personality came out. I wish I had heard of Dr. Ramani thirty years ago! 😢
Agree with her 200% with the not needing to forgive … she’s amazing ❤
That is ungodly and is not right! That’s like God (Jesus) saying he does NOT do give you for what you have done! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! That would be NO ONE! Because no one is perfect! No One and that is why we need grace and mercy from God! You CAN forgive and then move on! holding on to grudge and anger is mentally, emotionally and spiritually unhealthy and will drag YOU down not them!
@seattlepeaches936 you sound like a narcissist!
I feel that. Im just not sure she's saying all that.
@@l4l414they're so obvious it's funny
Stopped forcing myself to forgive under pressure and allow myself to process and grieve.
💯
I'm proud of you.
good!
same!
Wow! Well said 👍
I'm grieving the loss of my son to his NPD wife. It is like he died. I am so sad...
you grieve the loss of hopes and dreams you had in the beginning, and the love you thought you shared, your life even as it was imperfect to miserable....and you have to grieve the loss of yourself.
“It’s Not You” is going to be the book we all need. She’s THE narcissism expert.
There are all different kinds of narcissism, all different nuances. It touches all our lives. There is an epidemic of normalizing narcissistic abuse.
I literally until hearing the forgiveness part I feel so grateful. After being beaten by my parent I never really forgave her. I said the words since therapists encouraged me to. But didn't feel it somatically. She has been dead for years and the day she died, I realized my perpetrator would never hit me again. And that was the gift I needed. People can judge me for that but I feel that to my very core.
I truly understand what you’re saying
I agree with you
No one has the right to judge you for this! This parent beat you up enough physically, you don't need to be beaten up anymore by other people judging you for not forgiving. You've been through enough already, just feel however you authentically feel about it and don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.
I think that’s a very natural and healthy reaction.
When my narc mother died l felt a sense of relief My first thought was She would never be able to have a go at me again Forgiveness is earned in my opinion
I have chosen to forgive myself for not knowing what I do d now.
I am so happy to hear that ❤
Research and planning!
So important 👍✨
I got out after 23 years. I believe that my ex was born autistic and developed narcissism as a defense mechanism. There is a lot of overlap between these two, and ultimately it didn't matter except for curiosity and trying to understand on my part. I would love to hear more about the interaction between these two disorders, there is not a lot out there.
Same experience : autism combined with narcissism, lethal combination ! Love to know more about this .
@@marieboyle5384 it's an unfortunate combination. I've been out five years now so am much more objective and indifferent. I don't know if there is any help for them really. And they negatively affect the lives of people close to them. The only way IMO is to stay away from them or have extremely limited contact. My adult son does the second one, and most times comes away exhausted from the visit. But he wants limited contact. When there is no crisis (rare), things are alright.
My BIL is a narcissist and is also bi-polar. He’s a train wreck. As he ages, it’s evident his entire life is collapsing… but using his arrogance, he hides it fairly well.
Oh my! This right here!!!!! THE DISEASE that never stops throwing up on EVERYBODY. HELP US!!!!!
The Ex is aging. He has drawn in our son "to show him a better way to grow value in life". I am at a loss on how to help or how to prevent the Trainwreck.
In my opinion forgiveness is often mistaken for reconciliation or forgetting what happened to you or excusing someone's behavior. I think forgiveness is pursuing wholeness for yourself with proper boundaries while not wishing bad things upon the person who hurt you or harmed you.
Well said
Anyone who seems to be too nice.
Can be reason for caution. Could be poison oozing with pretentious perfume.. Boundaries. Book entitled toxic positivity.
And may I ask, sincerely, what harm does wishing pain upon my abuser cause me? For the years I suffered every manner of abuse with them, and the decade I’ve spent trying to revive my soul since escaping, do I not have a right to my own anger and bitterness?
Forgiveness is a pardon. Its chief beneficiary is the guilty party. "Not holding a grudge' is what you are describing. The chief beneficiary is the victim. Be careful who you give gifts to. Modern culture has changed the definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness restores the relationship because it wipes the slate clean and was if the offence never occurred. This is serious business. Our culture has watered down the meaning and made it very self-focussed.
@@l.5832 🎯👏
Yes, Dr. Ramani is full of wisdom, so glad you have her back on.
She dropped truth bombs constantly ❤
Thanks for being here!
She’s the best❤️
I like what she said about not feeling pressured to forgive the unforgivable. Ironic that people can feel guilty for not forgiving someone that has no remorse for their own actions. Maybe better to just move on.
That’s it! I’m supposed to be the one to forgive the person who murdered my soul while they move on from supply to supply, destroying people’s lives with zero sense of responsibility or remorse. Never any accountability. Forget that. I’m never forgiving that murderous bastard! It’s hard enough after an entire decade to just set it aside and try to be neutral enough to live from day to day, never mind trying to fully heal.
A narcissist is someone who has an excessive sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They often believe they are superior to others and may have an inflated sense of their own abilities and achievements. Narcissists may seek constant validation and attention, manipulate others for their own gain, and have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. It's important to remember that I'm not a mental health professional, but if you suspect that you're dealing with a narcissist, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and strategies for managing the situation.
I got a lot from your comment. Thank you
Yep. You said it all. Very unempathetic, cocky, arrogant, cruel and are unhealed broken folks who don't care who they break.
Your missing the ONE determinant factor in the equation; MALADAPTIVITY.
Exactly on dot 👍🏽
Falseeeee sense of ...
Dr. Ramani is the G.O.A.T 🐐❤❤
Love her❤
Thank you so much for watching!
My ex asked me how come he was so well liked at work but I found any fault in him. I said because you sign their checks? It was a light bulb moment for me, that he saw me as his employee.
Thank you! I’ve been severely abused by NPD and suffered great losses. Knowing it’s okay to not forgive just gave me such freedom from the years of guilt of not being able to forgive. I agree. Forgiveness does give the narcissist a get out jail free card. They should be held accountable and responsible for their actions and know what they have done is definitely not okay.
I won't forgive. I won't further demean myself.
@@Cherry-kt8zoI will never forgive my narc and my malignant narcissistic father.
Forgiveness is perverted into permission to continue patterns of harm. Preach the preservation of the self in the face of invalidation. Yes, Dr. Ramani!
I think the confusion about forgiveness is that the giving is primarily for and to ourselves not the other person. I like the definition of accepting that things could not be different. Followed by a desire to feel better by letting go of toxic emotions that keep one stuck in rumination or the past. All the techniques that enable on to do this creates an amazing lifestyle to experience a myriad of emotion one can move through, throughout one's life.
I soo agree with the not forgiving part. Im not hurting anymore, im indifferent towards him. And I’ll never forgive him ever.
I won't be able to totally forgive my ex narc gf. Not toting around anger tho.she knew what she was doing, very deceiving person she ended up being.
“The treachery of forgiveness” I cannot tell you how much this statement/segment resonated. I cannot thank you enough for saying this out loud. I feel seen at last. The smugness of people who stridently believe “forgiveness” will bring peace and solve all is disheartening.
My N drove slowly & was very affable to wait staff etc., that's what made it so confusing. He would spend time talking to the people at the grocery store but less than 5 minutes a day with me. Obviously much more to the story
Another "tell".
They sent me a new employee to train and he would stop and have a conversation with everyone, but would not listen to the guidance I offered.
Sad but these narcissistic psychopaths are ruining peoples lives including mine. They are in my family which I love very deeply & sadly the father of my kids. I’ve researched for years & I learned to keep my distance from these humans. Thanks for having Dr.Ramani again, she is the best at explaining this topic very clearly.
Hard to share kids with those monsters. Im with you ❤
She sure is! Spot On!!
The forgiveness I am giving is not for the sake of the narcissist I endured, it’s for my own healing. I used to wonder how a person could forgive a perpetrator for a horrendous crime, I now understand why they are wise to forgive.
I realized hanging onto resentment, anger, bitterness, the list goes on, started to affect my health, and for me if I don’t have my health I don’t have a good life.
I understand every single word 🤗 take care💛
I second that ❤ all the best to you
❤
Good for you, but please don't judge others who aren't able to forgive. You are no better or wiser than them.
Thank you for saying that! Anger is useful
... Staying angry at my ex kept me from going back with him... My anger served as a protective factor... Every time I found my self relaxing... I would think about the dude I fell in love with and start to vacillate but as soon as I remembered how he betrayed me... Played me like a fool... Id snap out of it and Id used the anger to keep me from going back to him... And what I discovered... over time... the anger dissipated and I was safe from myself... and any chance of ever getting back wih him!!!!
She is the best specialist in Narc-Abuse! Combined with Lewis emphatic spirit it is insane!
Somehow a thumbs up seems so inadequate to express how much I loved this episode. Dr. Ramani has been my savior during a very difficult time. Thank you for all you do for me and others.
🙏
Im especially grateful for Dr. Ramani’s points on forgiveness. I didn’t forgive and I feel good about that. Why? Because not forgiving allowed me to set very strong boundaries when that person continued to stalk me & bombard me with “attention” after I went “no contact”. Not forgiving reminds me to never allow myself to put up with toxicity again. And I am proud of myself for sticking to my principles.
Completely agree 200%. As a Christian I suppose to forgive, but I cant. 👌 ❤
Love Dr. Ramani! I dodged a bullet after dating a narcissist for 2 months, it was a wake up call. I went no contact and blocked him when he started fo hoover, i was one step ahead of him, thanks to these info on narcissism. Now, moving forward I don't trust anyone and I will call out the narcissist if I see any signs!
I’m going through this too. Just blocked him after 9 weeks. Everything I experienced was an illusion. I discovered the lie and deception and unmasked him.
@Kangaroo211 here's to us for being vigilant and having the courage to walk away and not entertain the scammer 😱
It can be so hard to see all the signs and really know for sure in the beginning. Can you share what the signs were, or were there certain things he said?
@ForeverMakeupGirl it's the inconsistency, huge love bombing in the beginning then dissipates in a several days.
THANK YOU for FINALLY giving me permission to not forgive. I'm nearly 55 and have been guilt tripped my entire life for not forgiving people who DELIBERATELY attempted to murder the soul of an innocent child, and derived IMMENSE PLEASURE from doing so. They don't deserve to be forgiven FOR ANYTHING. My concept of "forgiveness" is: indifference - feeling nothing when I see pictures or videos of them, or hear others talk about them. Zero jealousy felt from any financial success they have. There is nothing to be jealous of, because they are evil. They are completely irrelevant and do not matter. No feelings of anger, resentment, or hatred towards them. This is my idea of "forgiveness".
I still don't get involved with anyone. Friends, dating, anything. I was damaged and just stay away from everyone. I'm happy and alone but not lonely.❤ thank you for your work Dr. You helped me through for sure.❤
I bow to Dr. Ramani 🙇♀️. I started my Metamorphosis back in 2020. Now when i look at myself in 2024, I catch myself laughing at the narcissistic “5 year old tantrums” . Blessings To You Dr. Ramani. 👏🥂
Oh boy - I dated a narcissist for 8 years. He truly showed me his true colors. I don't classify him as a man. I regret knowing him.
I too dated one, a covert Narcissist who was sweet and vulnerable the first months… then he started to show his true colors, driving fast when he was angry, screaming at me calling me names and giving me the silent treatment, it was so sad.
From personal experience and hindsight, I’d like to say that I believe it all comes down to attachment styles that are formed in early childhood. Yes, even those that have always thought they had a great childhood. I personal subscribe to the theory that we all have some form of childhood trauma - it’s the human condition and experience to overcome. That familiar baseline of attachment that we are all unconsciously operating from, confuses fireworks and butterflies with “my person, my soulmate.” When what that really is saying is “fly away as fast as you can butterfly, there’s a forest fire coming and it will destroy you.” But it just feels so damn good because it’s so damn familiar.
Yes the forest regrowth can be beautiful and better than before but know that it will be slow and intentional this time.
Attachment styles should be taught in middle/high schools when we start developing our first loves. What greater gift can you give someone else than a thorough understanding of yourself?❤ Healing vibes sent out to all that know.❤️
There is a silver lining to surviving narcissistic abuse. I was raised by a narcissistic mother but wasn't aware of it until I became embroiled in a 10 year relationship with my narcissistic partner. The information and skills I learned while trying to extricate myself from that toxic relationship provided me with the tools I needed to go no contact with my narcissistic family system as well. I don't think I would have ever broken free if I hadn't relived that experience later in my adult life. I haven't embarked on another intimate relationship since then, but I'm open to the possibility and I truly feel like I'll recognize the red flags now. I'd like to have someone special in my life, but I no longer struggle with the codependency issues that caused me to tolerate abusive behavior in the past.
Dr. Ramani is the best expert in narcissism. I've watched many other talk about this none of them is as good, the closest is Danish who isn't a Dr. But really knows what he's talking about and one other American doctor. Dr. Ramani is more knowledgeable and describes it more deeply, without any hesitation or excuses made for those nasty people
I can’t thank you enough Dr. Ramani for saying that it’s ok to not forgive them, I have felt so guilty for so many years for not forgiving and not loving my mother and suddenly, after hearing that, I feel relief. I have been following you for a very long time and I am very thankful for every video, for helping me understand and deal with my trauma.
Thank you very much Dr Ramani ! No one should force another one to forgive. They don't know what we are going through. Most of the time executioners think they are entitled to be forgiven no matter what they do.
My husband has 3 brothers. All 3 have issuies. Middle one is a hermit. Youngrst a Boutrous Narcissist and the oldest my husband is Community Covert Narcissist. Married 20yrs abuse started less then 2 months in. I tried 3x to leave. Watching videos like this helped me realize I had to make it HIS IDEA. So, I treated him softly the way he treated me and this past July he said he wants Divorce. Today I am getting a Preliminary Protection Order. Death threats are being dropped. Yes 7 months separated I stay in our room. Him guest room.. Not good at all
@@lisacianci8 Oh, I already been callinv him out.. It got him to finally want to Divorce me
You will make it out ❤
Your story is my story. Will get out alive and rock life again.
@@nandini821 Deal
He got removed Friday Night and of course I am the evil one but, I'm ok with that. The truth always comes to light
Thank you for saying you dont forgive,i never forgave my ex and was fed up getting told that i should,I said why would i forgive someone who stole 36 years of my life and made it miserable and had me replaced in a heart beat,I will never forgive him and im happy with that im not going to forgive him please others.
When Dr. Rahmani spoke about what it means throwing a ball I thought about one time I played with a ball with my grandmother, it was even indoors in a room and we just threw the ball back in forth, it brought such happy feelings and I could see she was having fun with me too, such a simple thing and I still remember it to this day as one of my fondest memories ❤
In regards to forgiveness (I realized that to forgive, I do not have to keep that toxic person in my life) For me this was a huge insight into forgiveness. I have come to understand, that forgiveness is not for the perpetrator, but to keep that person from continuously living in my mind my rent free. Forgiveness is for myself, and enables me to let go of hating that person, which allows me to live a more peaceful life. But this does not mean that forgiveness is easy. I am still struggling within my own life to let go of the hatred and/ pain that certain toxic people have caused me harm. But this keeps me trapped emotionally to keep them in my life. So I continue to work on this issue. In the meantime I have learned to have boundaries, and to keep toxic people out of my life.
No truer statement than ask a survivor about the treachery of forgiveness…. Thank you!
I finally distanced myself from people, because of grief and betrayal, but I don’t have any regrets about it, I live my own company, I will allow myself to love again, now, but I wasn’t willing for a long time
My mother grew up in such a happy home. She said my grandfather could never get over how lucky he was to be married to my grandmother. Then my mother met and married my initially charming and doting father. It was a shock to her system. She said she'd never before come across someone who wouldn't talk to her for two weeks because she forgot to bring the matches to a picnic.
The covert narc I dated 15 years was a Very Careful driver !!! Never sped. Didn't take chances.
BUT he would call the other drivers jerks, & worse.
Forgive yourself for putting up with it, it‘s not your fault. WALK AWAY. You have ZERO responsibility for how they feel.
Thank you for making me not feel bad for not forgiving. I could forgive a lot of things but not what the narcassist did to me. They continue to hurt others.
You nailed it, we never know what a healthy relationship is
We only know to obey and enable and blame yourself
Please write a parenting book and how healthy relationships should ideally be
She is sooo beautiful. 🥰
I can't express how much I appreciate both your willingness and talent to have these very nuanced and respectful conversations. This interview is spot on in so many ways. Thank you SO much for highlighting and validating just how horrific being the parent of a narcissistic adult child is, especially when the other parent is narcissistic. The utter gutteral devastation of ongoing triangulation and parental alienation can not be overstated. Watching your child grow into a highly manipulative and toxic abusive person and seeing them miss out on being authentically themselves, in spite of fighting so hard to be there for and with thru it all and give them all the attunement and love, even when agrressively opposed and accused of the opposite....there aren't words to describe the pain and heartbreak. Healing is long and complex, especially if you want to maintain some lifeline in case they have a moment of clarity and need that soft place to land and hopefully hit a rock bottom that leads them out of it. The grief is long slow and often too much. 😢
Respect to Dr Ramani for being 💯 authentic on forgiveness.
Not forgiving does not mean holding a grudge or vengeance. It means you are staying true to yourself and your boundaries. For-Give, you've already given enough and what for? If it's not a fair exchange, then no more giving or dealing with this person.
I was with a neglectful Narcissist for 6 years. Two kids later, I decided to leave after talking to a friend of mine about a couple of violent incidents. Seeing her face when I was telling her made me wake up. Took me a while to see I wasent the issue, he was. After 5 years of separation, im starting to get better. I have delt with PTSD and the fact that I have to see him because we share custody… I feel like that has delayed a full recovery. He was emotionally abusive, violent physically and psychologically. I often think back and cant believe i was in so many scary situations. About forgiveness, I will never forgive him nor should I … he has caused so much damage. I have since decided to remove my self from meeting somebody new. I rather not feel anymore but still feel like im living, im free. But maybe one day, I might feel different, but for now im feeling ok being single.
@mlili514 I’m so happy to read that you made it on the other side and you are moving forward towards the peace and joy that you deserve 🎉❤
Why do you allow him to have custody of any kind if he is violent?
I don’t disagree that the way men have been socialized around emotions has caused harm (like shamed for having them) but women have been also! How often are women shamed and called hysterical for feeling their emotions? And how often are women shamed and told it’s not lady like to feel certain emotions such as anger? Which is just a natural human emotion that arises up in our bodies as a reaction to stimuli. Anger is actually one of the emotions that men seem to be allowed to feel but women not. Societies demand of emotional suppression is part of the problem of society’s lack of empathy.
When you don't forgive them, others feel you're petty. But there are seriously dangerous narcissist around us and these people's actions lead others into committing suicide.
So true they will make you wanna throw yourself out of a moving car...I was lucky that I stopped myself and shut the vehicles door.
It's not just what they can cause others to do that makes them dangerous. It's what they are willing to do TO YOU if they don't get their way. Like cutting your brake lines.
@@wayofthekodiak3118that part! Spot on! 🎯 They are dangerous, unloving hellians.
They are possessed by "daemons."
To all the grandiose of noble Heart; dr ramani merely facilitates RESISTANCE TRAINING for you. She can ONLY make you STRONGER. You know who you are
THANK YOU!!! Finally hearing someone say I can heal without forgiving my narcissist mother who scapegoated me, and the three narcissists I married as a result of her abuse. It was holding me back because I would try to forgive and be unable to do it. Still married to narc #3 but grey rocking that noise.
YES! When I started listening to Dr. Ramani all the pieces fit together perfectly when it came to my cruel, sinister sibling. Fortunately I have a gift of discernment/INFJ/HSP/razor sharp intuition. Didn't know about Narcissism until I was emotionally, financially, physically abused by my only sibling. I always knew something was wrong with her and there had to be some kind of "diagnosis" for her crazy behavior. After the assault and abuse in how she handled my Mother's estate after she died, I immediately read 7 books about Narcissism and started listening to RUclips. This kind of betrayal by both Mother and sister is impossible to comprehend and absolutely unforgivable. So much wisdom, comfort and peace from listening to Dr. Ramani and other's on RUclips and, reading their books. Remember this, "No one...absolutely "no one" meaning the victim! should be the bad guy for NOT forgiving their abuser. - Dr. Les Carter (steer clear of the riotous Christians, they will try to guilt you into forgiving)!!!
Are you saying Dr. Les Carter is helpful or harmful? I like finding other experts
Hey Lewis...
Hey, Dr. Ramani,
You're not the only one who enjoys getting old and see the beauty of aging. Wise, confident, beautiful... you name all the joy. ❤😂😊
This woman .... what a force !
Thank you for permission not to forgive or to be rushed to forgive.
How we forgive a narcist for the pain they caused us? We just forgive ourselves for allowing them to hurt us and promise will never allow that to anyone else.
Totally agree about forgiveness
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Too often people confuse judgement with discernment.
Too many people confuse judgement arising from discernment with negation and rejection
Yes! I just went no-contact with a narcissist friend and was constantly told by her I was 'judgemental' when really I could no longer ignore what I was seeing; that her behaviour was self-centered & entitled. I think being judgemental is more when you judge someone without really knowing what's going on for them, for example, thinking an overweight person you barely know is lazy or greedy without knowing they might suffer from an eating disorder or work too hard looking after others to take care of themselves. When you KNOW someone & you know everything behind their behaviour and there's still no justification for their actions except narcissism, that's when it's discernment & not 'judgement'.
Dr. Ramani is a saint. Her content has helped me so much in navigating and healing from my narcissistic relationships.
Some people are magnets for narcissists ...so it is better to keep away from peopleIMHO unless you feel strong enough.
You dont have to be with people
You can adopt a dog or cat
❤ so glad you have invited Dr Ramani! She is amazing and so knowledgeable and powerful on such an important topic nowadays !!!
Thanks for being here!
My advice: never date someone who makes you feel SORRY for them-the reason I married a CRUEL narcissist (I thought I could make him happy.)
I love how she says unpopular stuff like “you don’t have to forgive”, this take so much pressure off
I agree with not forgiving a narcissist who has inflicted so much hurt and pain for no reason other than their own gain. I have had no contact with my sister, mother, and ex-husband (other than child issues) for more than 15 years and my life has been so peaceful and drama free.
My son married a narcissist. We are in business together. They ripped our teenage grandchildren from our lives 2 years and 4 months ago. Devastated is the word. He wants to continue business but we can’t take it anymore. He is as abusive towards us now as his wife has been for years. Not only us but his siblings, their wives and children. Our son was loving and kind. I knew something was wrong before they got married and then I made one request and she turned against me and now we are “mean” people according to them. We are doing better but some days the grief is unbearable
Oh Anne. I 100% can understand your pain. My son seems to be attracted to this type too. Just this weekend he has started the process of removing our grandson because of this succubus of a girl. She is the definition of devil in Prada. I laid on the floor bawling on Sunday. I am so sorry.
@@taramcarter7 Thank you. It is a heartbreaking pain and something I would never have thought our son could do to us - and himself by breaking away from his entire family. I hope your son finds someone loving and kind.
Me too😢
Me too, and the family in law is involved in this wat they did too me. Telling lies.
OMGOSH...thank you for the validation!! I was married to a Narcissist and now I am being subjected to exactly what you spoke about... narcissism from my adult 22 yr old son..and yes it is extremely painful...you described my current situation to a tee 💔
I've watched SO MANY of her videos and she still make me cry every single time.
A family member looked down on me, made me feel worthless, hated me in actions and words and worst part was i lived with them having no parents. They hurt me deeply and after i moved out they are still self righteous because they educated me. I honestly am very resentful towards them and am glad its ok not to forgive them especially because they are still treating others the same way. Forgiveness is real when they acknowledge their mistake. Otherwise cutting ties is more ideal.
Forgiveness does not mean you open yourself to more abuse. One can forgive from the heart while not in contact with the narcissist.
i agree with you but judging from 99% of the comments, i believe we are in the minority here 😅