Do you agree with Jordan Peterson's assessment? To buy my books, including Thomas Paine: A Lifetime of Radicalism, check out my online bookstore: davidbenner.square.site
I mean, he's generalizing as that's the "majority case", but the "tricky part" (or another one) is that often people who are thinkers are on your channel and on RUclips in general, which also tend to be males by quite a large majority, 55-61% (depending on surveys) being male IIRC, and then for podcasts, it's something like 70-80% men, and for Peterson's content, e.g. more likely to find this content, it's like 85% or more. Again, these are problem solvers. I agree that women are heavily prone to more paranoid, fear, neuroticism than men and it's a problem. I don't disagree that listening is a thing you should do. The tough part is where in the sequence, even after the listening, and weeks nad months later, do you actually start to get women to be held accountable for being wrong and tearing things apart in their mind that were perfectly fine. The divorce laws and many other laws and norms in this country now favor women way too much where every bad decision they make has a "safe landing" for them, divorce, child custody, birth control, college/scholarships, job/workplace rights, etc. It's a bit much of a pendulum swing to deal with someone who isn't accountable to their own thoughts. And appeasing them isn't the right answer.
As a husband of 32 years this is the smartest thing I can tell young men: Most of the time when your wife is telling you about a problem she's having, she isn't asking you to give her the solution; She wants you tell her she's right to feel the way she does. She wants you to validate her feelings. See, most men tend to have a thought process that goes problem --> solution. Most women tend to think things through a little differently. Here's the magic words: "I'd feel the same way if that happened to me." Example 1: Wife: A and B happened at work today. I was so mad! Husband: You should have done X, Y, and Z. (WRONG!! She knows she probably should have done X, Y, and Z. That wasn't the point!) Example 2: Wife: A and B happened at work today. I was so mad! Husband: Really? That would have made me mad, too! (BINGO. Now wait and see if asks for your advice.)
Yeah. tahts great. But woman never tries to understand Man the way we try to understand them. What makes a relationship good its when BOTH try to get closer and TELL how they can help in some situations at least. Of course knowing is better but ppl dosnt com with blueprints, not man, not woman.
@@evilzinabyssranger5695But of course we do. One thing I think I've really gotten better at with my husband over the years is knowing when to get him to talk and when to really just leave him alone. The second one is hard, but I realize now that sometimes that is in fact the best thing I can do.
You are almost right. She wants you to UNDERSTAND how she FEELS and why she feels that way ( even if it is wrong). "I can understand why you feel that way. Anyone in your position would. But, maybe a more helpful way to view it would be to .........that way, ....." Something like that.
My girlfriend had this habit of talking about her work when we went to bed. It would go on for what seemed to me a long time and was the opposite of a sexual turn-on for me. Finally I got tired of it and told her in clear terms that this blabbing about her work at bedtime was a big turn-off for me. Then she explained, in her gentle way, that I was the only person in her life she could talk to about those concerns and that talking to me made her feel safe and protected and that, in turn, made her feel sexually aroused. Ahhhhhhhhhhh . . . I GET it now! It's foreplay!!!!!!! Hahahahaha! Problem solved, thanks to her ability to articulate what it meant to her.
@@evilzinabyssranger5695 If we have someone willing to engage with us.. we can usually untangle our thoughts verbally. That was the point of this video. Most men aren't interested in talking with us beyond a few sentences, therefore most women can't state these things concisely.
When a man listens to a woman ( who is upset or hurt by someone) it makes her believe he actually CARES about HER (and not just what's between her legs). That CARING makes her WANT TO be close to him. She wants to be made LOVE to by a man who LOVES HER! Not just FUCKED by the man in her bed. And when you don't listen to her ( when she has a real problem) THAT is how you seem to her! I wish men would GET THIS!!!
When my friends and I were young and first getting married, one of our fathers told us the best piece of advice I've had over the past 20 years of being married: When your wife comes to you with a problem, first ask her if she wants a solution, or just needs to vent, then listen and respond accordingly. I forgot that advice for some time until my friend reminded me and then it was like a magic pill. Peterson is fundamentally correct here.
That's women's way of communicating and bonding with you. Women do this with each other and that's just how they are. So of course she's going to behave the same way with her bf/husband. Men do the same thing. They talk to women the same way they talk to other men. All you have to do is make them feel like you care and you listen. That's all everyone wants.
One constant I've learned is, don't give unsolicited advice. Only give advice when specifically asked. Because either they don't actually want the blunt truth, or you're totally off the mark and wasting everyones time. Just listen, sometimes people just need a sound board to bounce ideas and they work it out themselves. They might even think you helped them when all you did was listen.
This is 100% true for both men and women. I've often made the mistake of giving unsolicited advice. The problem is I get angry if I realize you're complaining to me and taking up a bunch of my time just to use be as a garbage pail for your feelings. If you don't want an actual solution to your problem and just want me to be your trash can, leave me out of it.
it's only true when he has respectable guests of high intelligence though. There are also nutcases, like Alex Jones, or bullshit artists like Graham Hancock. These people are not smarter than the viewers, lol
Yes but when he's convinced he knows all about a topic (even when he really doesn't), he's not shy to let the other person know they're an idiot, or being disrespectful in other ways, if they don't.
Biggest advice I could ever give is to allow other people to solve their OWN problems. If you carefully guide people to solutions with maximum listening and minimum input you let them do all the mental gymnastics. This is empowering for the individual and gives them agency and responsibility over their problem and their solution. The confidence that someone will get from realizing their own competence and problem solving abilities is unimaginable through this process. This works exceptionally well in teaching small children
I always ask questions to keep the conversation with my wife on track because people are often unable to focus whether they are talking or hearing. Also, I encouraged my wife to take up journaling--note, this is not a "diary"--to help her keep her thoughts in some level of organization so that she can tell me what she actually wants or needs to say. Then I keep track of what she is laying out in the journal. Key takeaway for me was that journals are not about emotions--that is what a diary might be for. Journals are about capturing thoughts during the day that we have questions or concerns about. We found that a nice breakfast with the journal has gone a long way to improving our lives simply by allowing us to write down a concern or issue to be discussed prior to the discussion. It keeps us focused on what we need to discuss and not be side tracked into what if scenarios. A great example was how it led us to realize that our apartment just was not serving our actual needs once I was working remote. She was not happy that I was always in the living room working which meant she could not really "live" in the apartment during the work day. For me, I was just happy to be home with her, but she could not even do the dishes or watch tv because I might be on a meeting or something. Easy fix once we actually understood each other.
Doesn’t seem that you listened to Dr. Peterson. He specifically said the first thing a woman might do is to is run possibilities through her mind and the real solution is to help her once she (or she and you) sorts out what the actual, real problem is. You have to listen and be discerning instead of jump to the fix the first thing she mentions. It’s arrogant for anyone to assume they can throw out an immediate solution without discernment rather than engage in a conversation. Different brains have different processes to get to the heart of the matter. Incidentally, I’m not a converser myself and my husband wants to talk and talk and go in circles first. Totally opposite what Dr. Peterson is describing, but I often misunderstand what my husband is wanting when he first starts a conversation to get a solution to an issue. So, I listen first. Drives me crazy because I *usually* see what the answer is to begin with, but it works better to listen first and wait to throw out an answer.
@@kjsgarden i did listen to what Dr P said. And you've pretty much repeated back to me in long form what I said in a few words. Someone who comes to you with a problem either wants you to listen to them run through the possibilities (i.e. vent) or they've already done that and they want your help (i.e. a solution). Asking them up front what their choice of option is just saves time.
One of the toughest things for me when my wife is talking about something that bothers me is to just sit and listen. I want to solve the problem and all she really wants is to talk. More often than not, after she has a chance to vocalize what is bothering her she arrives at her own solution. Which is fine because then I don’t have to do anything.
As a 60 years old man who broke each and everyone of these rules, I can tell that they are true. Advice for the young: do not be fooled by anything else. Follow these rules by the letter. If it means losing somebody, so be it. They were not worthy.
[1:40] The assumption is that women opperate in good faith. But listing out everything that could be wrong is not what I consider operating in good faith. That's throwing a bunch of sh*t against the wall to see what sticks. It is intended to make the target react, validating the perpetrators lack of emotional intelligence.
Yes, that's largely what I was thinking too. It would have to be a special woman to operate entirely in good faith. If so, then she certainly would be worth persevering with.
Yes, It's usually "Sit there while I bitch at you for every small slight from the past year" it's USUALLY abuse rather then something so deep as a diagnostic process.
There are those who lay out everything in bad faith. Agreed. But there are also those who, like JP said in the clip, do not know exactly what’s wrong and arrive at the crux by laying out everything for discussion. In reality though it’s more a mixture of both to various degrees.
@@nnamdiazuakola5254 I suspect part of that good faith should be if you are criticizing behaviour make sure you are talking to anyone except that person until you have solidly identified your problem.
Does anyone here knows or met women operating in good faith? While in the verge of a problem? Herein starts "I expect you to read my mind" such verbal trots
Honestly my tip as a wife : Something bothers you and you want to tell your husband -> give yourself 48 hours to process it internally without bringing in any other opinions thoroughly think it through from all angles and allow all emotions to surface and subside -> if after 48 hours you think it’s pertinent to tell your husband then tell him once emotions have subsided in a structured composed way and be ready to follow his advice BUT if you are over it then don’t mention it to him Saves the headache of him feeling like you don’t want to listen to his help and you feeling like he doesn’t want to listen to your feelings 👍
I don't have to process anything with my husband already understands me. And he's not some douche who thinks men are inherently just more solution oriented than women are and that women are just kids with t"ts who want to feel validated.
I appreciate that you don't want to cause issues with your husband. But as a husband, learning to listen to my wife's feelings has taught me a lot about navigating other people's emotions, which in turn has made me a better person. Let's value that men have things of value to teach women, but that women have things of value to teach men. Our differences are worth valuing.
I see what you mean Grant but trying to navigate all of a woman’s emotions would be like trying to keep water in your hands! Fruitless and annoying in the long term 😅 Most emotions are fleeting and should just be observed and let go without needing to embody them You aren’t a worse person if you don’t coddle a full grown adult through every minor emotion Listening and learning from my husbands logical reasoning/ problem solving approach has taught me so much about navigating my own emotions and reactions.
This is a good interpersonal skill in general, because honestly I experience men doing the same thing; throwing a lot of cards on the table and in the midst of conversation, realizing they don't align with everything they've said, and there are many shifts throughout the conversation. I think if you allow anyone the room to "think out loud" without trying to immediately hone in on specifics, it's productive communication.
This is really useful. Now that whole thing of "the woman doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants your support" makes sense. I think solving problems together with a woman just got a lit easier
yeah my female coworkers will from time to time slightly vent their issues to me, looking for that validation. I give them none. They are choosing to be at work.
@CarlosPerez-em3wu men are not looking for wives these days they are looking for serial lovers. As a man I don't expect you to know this but yeah. It's like you have to beg them to marry you
The best interviewer is Matt Fradd because he asks what seems like a stupid clarification or definition of terms and yet I realize I don't know the answer either and I really appreciate that he does that for me. In real life you just have to pretend to understand the speaker.
1:18 -125 They maybe tricky to manage however if there's no accountability on her part or she believes she has no obligation to you as a man on any level, this process is rendered worthless at best and destructive at worst. Seen it in real time.
Worry is interest paid in advance on borrowed trouble. The 2 most important words in the English language are “ yes dear”. Those two words will eliminate the need to use “I’m sorry” and “you’re right”.
So men have to make the largest effort by way of time and attitude correction to convince a woman that they are acting in good faith and then work through problems that are not their own so that women are absolved from applying logic and reason to issues that are almost certainly partially caused by their own neurosis an negative emotional state. I agree 100% with JP, but it's a seriously bad deal for men anyway you slice it.
He is absolutely on point about this with women! But I’d like to point out what he said about Joe Rogan toward the end. He pointed out how when Rohan has people on that are intelligent and speak about things and he doesn’t understand what exactly they mean, he’s not afraid or too proud to ask them what they mean or to put it more into ‘layman’s terms’ so he understands what they’re saying or their point. I think this is very true of when you’re in school as a kid, you’re in class (regardless of subject) and don’t understand what your teacher is talking about but it seems like everyone else understands and you’re the only one that doesn’t, so you’re afraid to raise your hand and ask your teacher to repeat it because you don’t want to look stupid in front of your friends/the other students. In grade school (and into HS & college) struggled with math and even though there was a lot I didn’t understand I was so afraid to raise my hand and ask the teacher to repeat things. I was also very very shy when I was young, I generally wouldn’t talk to people unless they spoke to me first, even with the whole 3 friends I had because I wasn’t one of the cool kids; the only people I’d speak to first were my immediate family (parents & brother) and extended family (my parents both have at least 5 siblings) but even with them I was reserved. Once I got the courage to do it I no longer feared asking. So like Dr Peterson kinda said, usually if one person doesn’t understand and asks for elaboration (Joe Rohan), there are several others who don’t either and are glad to see that they aren’t alone and will then back up the initial person that was brave enough to ask. It also has a lot to do with the teacher as well! I had to take a math class in my first year in college and the female teacher was terrible. I’d raise my hand & ask her to repeat cause I was having trouble and she would pretty much politely tell me I’m stupid and just say all the same things she’d just said that I told her I didn’t get; needless to say, I failed! But when I repeated the class the next semester (cause I needed it or I would’ve just said F it!!) there was a male teacher, but I was still struggling and I was hesitant to raise my hand to ask for help because of the previous teacher. Myself and another student were having a hard time and we decided to ask questions in class despite feeling anxious about it. This male teacher took us seriously and took as much time as me & her needed so that we understood; as well as finding out there were at least 4 other students who were struggling just like me. I ended up passing with an A and speaking to the head of the math program about how terrible the first female teacher was!
@@outoforbit00 "What are YOU after" You mean what are they after. Sounds to me like they all locked onto him as their dumping ground. Why do you jump to it being HIM that is after something!?
As a woman, you sound like you want a woman who's provided for so she doesn't have to work or else counseled well enough That she doesn't vent. But you can't expect her to see you as HER man if she's being provided for and counseled by someone else. So I think it is level up time for you.
Women want to test men with problem-solving. Woman sees some red flags, she starts talking about what she has observed and she wants to see, if the man gives the most straight-forward, but not ultimately the right solution, or does he really listen and take all things into consideration. I think the woman starting that conversation already kinda knows ahead where the problem may be hidden, she needs to know that the man is invested in her surroundings as well. It may seem stupid for men, but understand that women overall are less confident and more afraid of things. Men are to protect women. And sorry, but sometimes it needs manipulation, because you want to know if the man is with you for sexual reasons, or does he care as well. It’s very important for them
This is exactly right. As women if we feel cared for in this way we can relax, we know he’s far less likely to stray or abandon us. If we don’t get this it’s like all systems are on high alert.
My sister won't stop talking about "health" - diet, insurance, weight, activity etc. etc. I live in close proximity to her for a year now and it's driving me crazy. She is bringing her fears into my relaxed, stoic, not-worrying happy-go-lucky life and I'm starting to resent her. I can feel my stress levels rise when she's around.
Basically Mr Peterson is saying, "Listen and don't interrupt! Than listen to her questions, if any. Give her empathy and carry on with your day." Ask if she wants help, if she didn't ask already. Otherwise after listening make it a conversation. If she is wrong, be careful with what words. I use a lot of "we", "us", "together" as much as common sense dictates when I feel I need to be negative. Keep sarcasm and arrogant attitude at the door.
Yes. a good description of problem determination and cuts down on wasted effort in problem correction. (Can't help it, being a system analyst ... pity I didn't exercise these at home when talking to my wife.)
It depends on the problem. When a woman tells her man that she FEELS unloved, or hurt, or whatever, by something she perceives he has done. What she is looking for is reassurance, comfort, emotional support. Unfortunately, the man often hears her words as criticism (which he can't handle) and becomes defensive. This just hurts her even more. It is like he has stabbed her and when she yells for him to take out the knife, he just shoves it in FARTHER!!! That is how it FEELS to her.
Sounds like the "woman" you are describing are actually girls that need to grow the hell up. You literally described my daughter when she was 13. She drove me and my wife nuts with that crap.
The key word is perceived. If her perception is may be incorrect. And more so, if her correct is incorrect and unfounded, will she be able to adjust to the new information and reality? The answer unfortunately in many cases is she cant. This is unfortunately why this natural barrier exists. Feelings cloud logic and reason, and when attempting to address something with someone pointed critism or insults do not make for a productive conversation. Being defensive to hostile words is a normal and typical response for human beings. The idea that woman can dish it out because they have feelings and that there is no consequences if they lack that tact to express it appropriately is folly. It wouldnt work in most of their daily interactions at work, why do it at home with someone who loves you? The answer is known. Invasive thoughts turn to unwanted feelings and they are then expressed as critisms while also thinking of themselves as victims based sometimes on things that have not happened. It is not woman's fault they may be wired this way. It is up to them the same way it up to men to be calm and rational when addressing issues to get the best outcome from the person they are addressing. Anger or frustration being expressed will likely close an un-suspecting man into a defensive person which is completely foreseeable. Personal attacks that are not justified will take a very mature and measured person being in the right head space in the right condition to receive and handle appropriately.
If one person wants to jump into solutions immediately and the other one wants to dance around the problem, it means that one of them reached adulthood and the other one didn't.
you can do this after you have worked out if she wants your helps or knows what to do and wants your support.. most of the time she does not want me to solve it
I don''t have a phd. in psychology and I will say it differently. Women are perfectly capable of coming up with the same good solution to a problem as a man. It just happens differently. A man is quiet until he comes up with a solution to a problem. A woman talks out loud as she works to a solution. Here is what you should do as a man. 1. you listen 2. as you listen, you encourage the woman to lay out even more considerations and alternatives 3. you wait to hear a conclusion. if you disagree, you still have shown respect I don't live my life as "Mr. Fixit". I never heard my father say the following when arriving home in the evening: 1. how has your day been 2. what have you accomplished today 3. anything new If you want a relationship, you have to continuously engage.
Given the biological roles, men are tinkerers who are constantly trying to solve problems and take action, whereas women are managing and organizing what has been provided. If the primary role of a woman is to manage and organize the provisions acquired by a man, then it’s not a stretch to think women use talking not to solve problems, but to COPE withe problems and gain emotional CLOSURE with problems. Put simply, a man will use language to acquire a value or remove an obstacle to a value, wheras a woman will use language to adjust her DISPOSITION to a value or obstacle. Of course language can accomplish both…it can solve an external problem, or it can solve an internal problem (mental disposition), but men are tilted toward external problems, and women are tilted toward internal. This helps explain why a single mother will try to help ber son not by helping him learn how to solve problems, but by helping him acquiesce to them to maintain emotional stability…causing the boy to think of his problems the way a girl thinks of problems…which isn’t good for the boy, because competency is what makes men feel good. Women who tilt too far are obnoxiously irrational. Men who tilt to far are monstrously impersonal and blockheaded.
@@kerriwilson7732 Never seen that myself. It's always been about abusing rather then solving anything. I have NEVER seen a women act in good faith to a man, to her kids yes, but a man? Another women in her life? Never.
Best I heard years ago was “I don’t want you to solve (MBA case study approach) it, I want you to listen like you’re one of my girl friends! Ans “I can’t believe they said that! Don’t they know how hard you’re working!”
Dr peterson. I always appreciate your Insight and I find much of your advice as it relates to self improvement to be phenomenal. I've implemented a good deal of it in my personal life and have benefited as a result. Having said that, I want to take a moment to offer my own advice to how you dispense advice. When it comes to relationships my sense is that most of your advice is directed at men and how they need to change or how they need to accommodate the women in their lives. What about women accommodating men? I don't see nearly enough advice directed at women and how they can address their behavior as it relates to the men in their lives. You've given women advice, but it's usually about how to choose the right man. How about some advice for the ladies on improving the lives of the men they've chosen questions hi, for one, I'm sick and tired of constantly being the one to accommodate the women in my life. I'd like to see a little bit of effort on their part to better understand me and my feelings. For instance, I'm more than happy to listen to a woman vent once or twice or even three times. Once we start to get beyond that point though, once it starts to become the case that venting to me is a substitute for actually addressing the problems, then things start to deteriorate. I'm happy to listen and be a part of that clarification process, but if no action is going to be taken and we're just going to perpetually Circle the problem without actually identifying it, then I'm going to get frustrated, tired, and probably angry. And I think that response is completely Justified when we're on the 6th or 7th go around about a particular problem. At that point I think women need to understand that it's either time to address it or time to stop talking to their man about it because he's Fed Up started to impact his feelings in terms of being able to help her, feeling like he is allied with her, and so forth.
Big picture problem of society is that the social circle of many people is shrinking and often small or sometimes not existing and this leads to couples discuss almost all topics with their partner putting way to much unnecessary stress on the relationship. Thats why woman used to hang around with woman to communicate their way of comforting helping reduce their anxiety by having good exchanges with other woman and men used to hang out with men to do the same but in a different way. We do things together and then open up and ask for advice to get help for a solution. If you as a partner become the only person in their life you must fulfill all those needs while their anxiety grows even larger to loose you and its by impossible for one person to hold this burden and solve these problems longterm since noone knows it all, why we need social circles and communication. If not anxiety can grow to paranoia with severe effects on the person and the relationship becoming toxic.
Ahh, a meaningful solution. Refreshing. It's clear male/female relationships are in the gutter -- both sides keep talking about "how to fix it." But it's usually pseudo-intellectual dribble, like this video. When society is sick, human behavior is the symptom.
we want your male perspective. sometimes we can’t see the trees through the forest?! if you can suspend judgment and take the emotion out of it, things become manageable.
Watched the video starting from an amused idea of another video potentially like any other about how one gender doesn't get another, which sometimes could be accurate but mostly in a cliche kind of way. In the end this is genuinely helpful advice imo.
When you solve their problems fast. They don't like that also. Even when it seems prophetic to them later. Making them solve the problem without guidance ends up pushing them away. Of course there are some that exist out of that paradime, but it's not the majority.
thanks for this great advice. The first thing I said to my wife was, “Jordan Peterson says little ladies like you don’t know what you are afraid of, so I’m gonna let you just motor on until we get to the end of the groundless fears that your tiny little female mind is full of.“ It’s a great hotel. I’ve been here for the last three weeks and I hope to get, a room next week if I can get together the down payment. Now I’m more like Jordan than ever before as my rage issues bubble slowly to the surface. Thanks Jordan!
when i would ask questions, she would become so mad at me. even if i told her i was asking cause i didnt understand. Id be labeled selfish and all other names under the sun cause she had to use energy to try and make me understand. No way im going through such humiliation again trying to be there for women like that
Got no time for fucking game playing. If you want to vent, fair enough. If you want a solution, equally so. But dont expect me to know which is which. Im not a psychic
How about teaching women to start this type of conversation with a initial remark like: hey, don't respond immediately but I have to talk to you a little bit to arrange my thoughts/feelings? So men know what the deal is. Women need to learn to communicate too.
Women create a "field" to keep you enmeshed. Nothings ever concluded. The action's never actually taken. Any silences are filled with passive aggression. They'll physically stand in the way to make you walk around, etc, etc.
Talking to your husband is a bid for connection. To feel understood and to understand the spouse in return... because its supposed to be a conversation, Not do this or that now shut up. When we feel like our husband doesnt want to talk to us, we feel unsafe talking to him. We feel shut down, not understood, and devalued as the person they decided to marry. One of the biggest walls in a marriage to climb is coming to a compromise between men wanting women to just shut up and put out and women wanting their man to listen, which makes them feel safe and connected... then they will put out. A man shuts a woman down in conversation then wonders why she isnt in the mood. And vise versa a woman talks about something and wont accept a solution(because she didnt ask for one) now he feels disrespected and devalued so in turn shuts down conversation.
We women absolutely know that a man can be a predator. A man capable of being lovingly protective is very attractive. Then, recognize me as an individual person who deserves respect, as you do. Listen. Last, don't assume I live on this world to serve you. Think partnership. Condescension and arrogance are poison. Why in the world is this so hard?
You do realise some women act as though we're here to serve them. I come home from work, I havnt done anything wrong and you start a 'conversation' with an insult.
@orangewarm1 Nah, she doesn't realize that. Since she's using the term "partnership" to describe marriage, and demanding to be respected akin to a man -- she hasn't just missed the plot. She's missed the whole series.
Because If I gave you the same respect I gave any other man you'd be deeply insulted. With this video for instance, If I had a problem and brought it to you like this your respectful response should be "shut up and come back when you actually know what you want from me" or "you need to work on your self reflection ability because you're not even at the stage where you can ask for help yet".
And how do you expect us to respect you when you are unable to fix easy problems. How are we supose to respect you when you constantly complain about things that shouldnt even be an issue. If you want respect, you need to act like someone deserving of it. Which means, take the fucking advice and fix the damn issue and then stop complaining about it.
Men don't want a partnership or equality. Men want dominion. When are women going to understand this? I always hear fellow women talk about "equality this, equality that", the men don't care!!! If they had it their way, they would chain you to the stove, barefoot and pregnant. Why do you think they don't listen to us? Because they feel like gods over us. They don't feel they have to listen. We're told to take a man's name because we're property, not equals. Why do you think the Bible says it's good for a man to marry but doesn't say the same about the woman? Because marriage benefits them more than it benefits us. Believing in equality is like believing in peace. It has never existed on this planet and never will.
Hey! Well now i think i have a problem. In Mexico (or maybe Latam) there is a trend between women that a man who can solve is valuable, however if you ask a man to help for something or if he asks if you need help this is seen as a "man who can't solve", it's like a man should have the iniative to solve without consulting the solution. This is frightening because my partner just broke her phone and she was saving money for something else, i didn't want to ask if i could send her some money because i knew she would say no, but I sent her money anyway without saying a thing. Now i just hope she won't get mad at me, i feel a bit worried about it
Dr. Peterson, I think this is your best piece ever! Thanks so much for explaining it so exactly! But I must say, it's not just men who have the tendency to problem-solve without listening. A lot of our girlfriends and sisters do the same, especially those who are heavily vested in playing a mother role. That's why we childless women don't usually click so well with women with more than two kids, because they derive their whole self-esteem from trying to solve other people's problems. They even start looking for problems before you've brought any up. They're like, "Please, please! Let me fix your life for you! Pleeeease!" They're far worse than men!! 😂
It's a little late now, but this would have been very helpful to me about 12 or 15 years ago. It makes sense. When a woman dumps on me it used to really flummox me because the first thing that popped into my head was the same way Freud looked at it, viz. "What does woman want?" And it takes a gentle, careful Socratic approach to find out. I had little experience dealing with women, so it was almost like talking to a Martian, well, a Venusian.
Its the way I do It most of the time. The idea that I am meant to only pander to a woman, even if she leads to insults and uses negative behaviours is fooly. I will not be treated incorrectly and then bend over and beg for acceptance. This is mark of a weak individual. Being there for a woman is not hard. Her ability to articulate and address the issue with tact is important at her job or in a certain environments, and I refuse to get less respect or effort in communication than strangers. I dont need to call her out of her name or raise my voice, but I know that she would not appriecate me acting in a similiar manner if the roles were reversed and thats the root of the issue. Treat other how you would like to be treated and dont create or put me in a situation where I must tolerate your bad behaviour or insults, especially if they are unreasonable or unfounded.
Think less of a woman like you equal and more like a child you have to comfort and your relationship is gonna go way better. She will feel more secure and happy with you
Do you agree with Jordan Peterson's assessment?
To buy my books, including Thomas Paine: A Lifetime of Radicalism, check out my online bookstore: davidbenner.square.site
So, if we agree with Jordan then we should buy your books? Wouldn't it make a lot more sense to buy his books?
I mean, he's generalizing as that's the "majority case", but the "tricky part" (or another one) is that often people who are thinkers are on your channel and on RUclips in general, which also tend to be males by quite a large majority, 55-61% (depending on surveys) being male IIRC, and then for podcasts, it's something like 70-80% men, and for Peterson's content, e.g. more likely to find this content, it's like 85% or more. Again, these are problem solvers.
I agree that women are heavily prone to more paranoid, fear, neuroticism than men and it's a problem. I don't disagree that listening is a thing you should do. The tough part is where in the sequence, even after the listening, and weeks nad months later, do you actually start to get women to be held accountable for being wrong and tearing things apart in their mind that were perfectly fine. The divorce laws and many other laws and norms in this country now favor women way too much where every bad decision they make has a "safe landing" for them, divorce, child custody, birth control, college/scholarships, job/workplace rights, etc.
It's a bit much of a pendulum swing to deal with someone who isn't accountable to their own thoughts. And appeasing them isn't the right answer.
As a husband of 32 years this is the smartest thing I can tell young men:
Most of the time when your wife is telling you about a problem she's having, she isn't asking you to give her the solution;
She wants you tell her she's right to feel the way she does. She wants you to validate her feelings.
See, most men tend to have a thought process that goes problem --> solution.
Most women tend to think things through a little differently.
Here's the magic words: "I'd feel the same way if that happened to me."
Example 1:
Wife: A and B happened at work today. I was so mad!
Husband: You should have done X, Y, and Z.
(WRONG!! She knows she probably should have done X, Y, and Z. That wasn't the point!)
Example 2:
Wife: A and B happened at work today. I was so mad!
Husband: Really? That would have made me mad, too!
(BINGO. Now wait and see if asks for your advice.)
Yeah. tahts great. But woman never tries to understand Man the way we try to understand them.
What makes a relationship good its when BOTH try to get closer and TELL how they can help in some situations at least.
Of course knowing is better but ppl dosnt com with blueprints, not man, not woman.
@@evilzinabyssranger5695But of course we do. One thing I think I've really gotten better at with my husband over the years is knowing when to get him to talk and when to really just leave him alone. The second one is hard, but I realize now that sometimes that is in fact the best thing I can do.
You are almost right. She wants you to UNDERSTAND how she FEELS and why she feels that way ( even if it is wrong). "I can understand why you feel that way. Anyone in your position would. But, maybe a more helpful way to view it would be to .........that way, ....."
Something like that.
32 children? How?!
How can women improve themselves to fix this need for validation, and only come to you when they need a solution?
'Tricky to manage' is an understatement.
Absolutely, gotta tread softly.
When Dr Peterson is at his best, he is unbeatable. The clarity of his thinking comes across as the tinkling of crystal.
prime peterson unmatched fr
My girlfriend had this habit of talking about her work when we went to bed. It would go on for what seemed to me a long time and was the opposite of a sexual turn-on for me. Finally I got tired of it and told her in clear terms that this blabbing about her work at bedtime was a big turn-off for me. Then she explained, in her gentle way, that I was the only person in her life she could talk to about those concerns and that talking to me made her feel safe and protected and that, in turn, made her feel sexually aroused. Ahhhhhhhhhhh . . . I GET it now! It's foreplay!!!!!!! Hahahahaha! Problem solved, thanks to her ability to articulate what it meant to her.
thats RARE. Woman usually cant state this things. Kudos to her, must be a GREAT wife.
@@evilzinabyssranger5695 If we have someone willing to engage with us.. we can usually untangle our thoughts verbally. That was the point of this video. Most men aren't interested in talking with us beyond a few sentences, therefore most women can't state these things concisely.
wtf; women are weird man.
When a man listens to a woman ( who is upset or hurt by someone) it makes her believe he actually CARES about HER (and not just what's between her legs). That CARING makes her WANT TO be close to him. She wants to be made LOVE to by a man who LOVES HER! Not just FUCKED by the man in her bed. And when you don't listen to her ( when she has a real problem) THAT is how you seem to her! I wish men would GET THIS!!!
Better time to talk about it
When my friends and I were young and first getting married, one of our fathers told us the best piece of advice I've had over the past 20 years of being married:
When your wife comes to you with a problem, first ask her if she wants a solution, or just needs to vent, then listen and respond accordingly.
I forgot that advice for some time until my friend reminded me and then it was like a magic pill. Peterson is fundamentally correct here.
Sometimes they don't even know.
That's women's way of communicating and bonding with you. Women do this with each other and that's just how they are. So of course she's going to behave the same way with her bf/husband. Men do the same thing. They talk to women the same way they talk to other men. All you have to do is make them feel like you care and you listen. That's all everyone wants.
Great advice… sometimes the Wives just want to vent it took me years to understand this and listen without suggesting solutions.
@@saltycat662 So women act like children, got it.
Solution isn't good enough. She needs to know a repeat of the problem isn't going to happen.
One constant I've learned is, don't give unsolicited advice. Only give advice when specifically asked. Because either they don't actually want the blunt truth, or you're totally off the mark and wasting everyones time. Just listen, sometimes people just need a sound board to bounce ideas and they work it out themselves. They might even think you helped them when all you did was listen.
This is 100% true for both men and women. I've often made the mistake of giving unsolicited advice. The problem is I get angry if I realize you're complaining to me and taking up a bunch of my time just to use be as a garbage pail for your feelings. If you don't want an actual solution to your problem and just want me to be your trash can, leave me out of it.
Finally, this is what I have learned at last!
He's spot on about Joe Rogan - that's why we love him. He's brave enough to admit he doesn't understand something he's passionately curious about.
it's only true when he has respectable guests of high intelligence though. There are also nutcases, like Alex Jones, or bullshit artists like Graham Hancock. These people are not smarter than the viewers, lol
I don't understand the popularity of JR at all.
Good conversations with interesting people
Joe is cool !!:))
Yes but when he's convinced he knows all about a topic (even when he really doesn't), he's not shy to let the other person know they're an idiot, or being disrespectful in other ways, if they don't.
these Peterson clips are like free , highest quality therapy sessions.
Biggest advice I could ever give is to allow other people to solve their OWN problems. If you carefully guide people to solutions with maximum listening and minimum input you let them do all the mental gymnastics. This is empowering for the individual and gives them agency and responsibility over their problem and their solution. The confidence that someone will get from realizing their own competence and problem solving abilities is unimaginable through this process. This works exceptionally well in teaching small children
Your comment likens women to small children...
🤦♀️
Well said.
I always ask questions to keep the conversation with my wife on track because people are often unable to focus whether they are talking or hearing. Also, I encouraged my wife to take up journaling--note, this is not a "diary"--to help her keep her thoughts in some level of organization so that she can tell me what she actually wants or needs to say. Then I keep track of what she is laying out in the journal. Key takeaway for me was that journals are not about emotions--that is what a diary might be for. Journals are about capturing thoughts during the day that we have questions or concerns about. We found that a nice breakfast with the journal has gone a long way to improving our lives simply by allowing us to write down a concern or issue to be discussed prior to the discussion. It keeps us focused on what we need to discuss and not be side tracked into what if scenarios. A great example was how it led us to realize that our apartment just was not serving our actual needs once I was working remote. She was not happy that I was always in the living room working which meant she could not really "live" in the apartment during the work day. For me, I was just happy to be home with her, but she could not even do the dishes or watch tv because I might be on a meeting or something. Easy fix once we actually understood each other.
A lot of women don’t want to hear men vent either lol
No woman wants to hear that
@@dannydunn2772That's what they call equality 😂
They do not give AF.
Because you're not suppose to.
@@viktoriyaserebryakov2755 Right, until she decides to divorce you for being "emotionally unavailable."
You are a jewel in a landscape of plain rocks Jordan. Thank you for your bravery and logic
Love your metaphor!
Suuuch good advice. The cause of most conflict is lack of proper communication. Incongruence and misunderstanding. Be curious and humble.
I learned exactly this in my IT tech support job.
If a woman comes to you with a problem, always ask "Do you just want to vent, or are you looking for an actual solution?"
Well Dr Mike, I wouldn't concern myself too much with it, or else of course your married to multiple women.
Unless they are your significant other or a family member you tell them "I'm not your husband, i don't need your stress"
Doesn’t seem that you listened to Dr. Peterson. He specifically said the first thing a woman might do is to is run possibilities through her mind and the real solution is to help her once she (or she and you) sorts out what the actual, real problem is. You have to listen and be discerning instead of jump to the fix the first thing she mentions. It’s arrogant for anyone to assume they can throw out an immediate solution without discernment rather than engage in a conversation.
Different brains have different processes to get to the heart of the matter. Incidentally, I’m not a converser myself and my husband wants to talk and talk and go in circles first. Totally opposite what Dr. Peterson is describing, but I often misunderstand what my husband is wanting when he first starts a conversation to get a solution to an issue. So, I listen first. Drives me crazy because I *usually* see what the answer is to begin with, but it works better to listen first and wait to throw out an answer.
@@kjsgarden indeed. Would be good if Mr Peterson as a psychologist occasionally reminded people that he is dealing in generalisations.
@@kjsgarden i did listen to what Dr P said. And you've pretty much repeated back to me in long form what I said in a few words. Someone who comes to you with a problem either wants you to listen to them run through the possibilities (i.e. vent) or they've already done that and they want your help (i.e. a solution). Asking them up front what their choice of option is just saves time.
Jordan Peterson is my hero. I wish I had been his childhood playmate.
You would've hated him cuz your parents would hold him up as a role model for you.
Most women just wanted to be heard. Active and attentive listening without unnecessary interruption is REALLY HELPFUL and HEALING
My dear Dr.Peterson,
I have never learned from anyone as much as I have learned from you.
Thank you so much..
I so often want an answer and my husband assumes I want to vent, then gets mad when his assumptions are wrong.
One of the toughest things for me when my wife is talking about something that bothers me is to just sit and listen. I want to solve the problem and all she really wants is to talk. More often than not, after she has a chance to vocalize what is bothering her she arrives at her own solution. Which is fine because then I don’t have to do anything.
As a 60 years old man who broke each and everyone of these rules, I can tell that they are true. Advice for the young: do not be fooled by anything else. Follow these rules by the letter. If it means losing somebody, so be it. They were not worthy.
[1:40] The assumption is that women opperate in good faith. But listing out everything that could be wrong is not what I consider operating in good faith. That's throwing a bunch of sh*t against the wall to see what sticks. It is intended to make the target react, validating the perpetrators lack of emotional intelligence.
Yes, that's largely what I was thinking too. It would have to be a special woman to operate entirely in good faith. If so, then she certainly would be worth persevering with.
Yes, It's usually "Sit there while I bitch at you for every small slight from the past year" it's USUALLY abuse rather then something so deep as a diagnostic process.
There are those who lay out everything in bad faith. Agreed. But there are also those who, like JP said in the clip, do not know exactly what’s wrong and arrive at the crux by laying out everything for discussion. In reality though it’s more a mixture of both to various degrees.
@@nnamdiazuakola5254 I suspect part of that good faith should be if you are criticizing behaviour make sure you are talking to anyone except that person until you have solidly identified your problem.
Does anyone here knows or met women operating in good faith? While in the verge of a problem? Herein starts "I expect you to read my mind" such verbal trots
Honestly my tip as a wife :
Something bothers you and you want to tell your husband -> give yourself 48 hours to process it internally without bringing in any other opinions thoroughly think it through from all angles and allow all emotions to surface and subside -> if after 48 hours you think it’s pertinent to tell your husband then tell him once emotions have subsided in a structured composed way and be ready to follow his advice BUT if you are over it then don’t mention it to him
Saves the headache of him feeling like you don’t want to listen to his help and you feeling like he doesn’t want to listen to your feelings 👍
I don't have to process anything with my husband already understands me. And he's not some douche who thinks men are inherently just more solution oriented than women are and that women are just kids with t"ts who want to feel validated.
I appreciate that you don't want to cause issues with your husband. But as a husband, learning to listen to my wife's feelings has taught me a lot about navigating other people's emotions, which in turn has made me a better person.
Let's value that men have things of value to teach women, but that women have things of value to teach men. Our differences are worth valuing.
@@grantstratton2239Excellent, Grant! Excellent observation by someone who wants to learn and actually understand!👏👏👏
This comment should be on the top. Both women and men should adapt to each other. Not only men for the women.
I see what you mean Grant but trying to navigate all of a woman’s emotions would be like trying to keep water in your hands! Fruitless and annoying in the long term 😅
Most emotions are fleeting and should just be observed and let go without needing to embody them
You aren’t a worse person if you don’t coddle a full grown adult through every minor emotion
Listening and learning from my husbands logical reasoning/ problem solving approach has taught me so much about navigating my own emotions and reactions.
This is a good interpersonal skill in general, because honestly I experience men doing the same thing; throwing a lot of cards on the table and in the midst of conversation, realizing they don't align with everything they've said, and there are many shifts throughout the conversation. I think if you allow anyone the room to "think out loud" without trying to immediately hone in on specifics, it's productive communication.
This is really useful. Now that whole thing of "the woman doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants your support" makes sense. I think solving problems together with a woman just got a lit easier
yeah my female coworkers will from time to time slightly vent their issues to me, looking for that validation.
I give them none.
They are choosing to be at work.
Really? Who is going to feed them if they don't work?
@@nzingahoney better question why arent they married and stay at home moms.
@@nzingahoney their husbands
@CarlosPerez-em3wu You, sir, are officially the poster child for misogyny. Dump your cultural teachings and try to think like a 21st Century man.
@CarlosPerez-em3wu men are not looking for wives these days they are looking for serial lovers. As a man I don't expect you to know this but yeah. It's like you have to beg them to marry you
The best interviewer is Matt Fradd because he asks what seems like a stupid clarification or definition of terms and yet I realize I don't know the answer either and I really appreciate that he does that for me. In real life you just have to pretend to understand the speaker.
The book 'Way Of The Superior Man' By David Deida is a very good read.
Listening is an acquired art........for anyone ❤
Listening, without interjecting your own thoughts. That is key in any relationship.
I think you just saved my marriage. All I need now is an infallible memory and the patience of a saint.
Fuck 😂, perfect answer
1:18 -125
They maybe tricky to manage however if there's no accountability on her part or she believes she has no obligation to you as a man on any level, this process is rendered worthless at best and destructive at worst.
Seen it in real time.
0:16 threat, predation, détection, anxiety, intuition
Listening, REALLY listening, is a skill I learned in acting classes...
Worry is interest paid in advance on borrowed trouble. The 2 most important words in the English language are “ yes dear”. Those two words will eliminate the need to use “I’m sorry” and “you’re right”.
You forgot to mention that she only gets the “yes dear” treatment if she reciprocates with Respect and gratitude.
“Yes Dear” is the verbal equivalent of a pat on the head.
So men have to make the largest effort by way of time and attitude correction to convince a woman that they are acting in good faith and then work through problems that are not their own so that women are absolved from applying logic and reason to issues that are almost certainly partially caused by their own neurosis an negative emotional state. I agree 100% with JP, but it's a seriously bad deal for men anyway you slice it.
Oh please, just learn how to listen!
@@joycewright5386 learn how to cope.
@@roberthuismans3533 You sound abusive.
@@ruthieclarke9125 Its okay you feel that way, privileged children want everything their way and react to criticism as abusive
@@ruthieclarke9125 lemme guess 'toxic'.
He is absolutely on point about this with women! But I’d like to point out what he said about Joe Rogan toward the end. He pointed out how when Rohan has people on that are intelligent and speak about things and he doesn’t understand what exactly they mean, he’s not afraid or too proud to ask them what they mean or to put it more into ‘layman’s terms’ so he understands what they’re saying or their point. I think this is very true of when you’re in school as a kid, you’re in class (regardless of subject) and don’t understand what your teacher is talking about but it seems like everyone else understands and you’re the only one that doesn’t, so you’re afraid to raise your hand and ask your teacher to repeat it because you don’t want to look stupid in front of your friends/the other students. In grade school (and into HS & college) struggled with math and even though there was a lot I didn’t understand I was so afraid to raise my hand and ask the teacher to repeat things. I was also very very shy when I was young, I generally wouldn’t talk to people unless they spoke to me first, even with the whole 3 friends I had because I wasn’t one of the cool kids; the only people I’d speak to first were my immediate family (parents & brother) and extended family (my parents both have at least 5 siblings) but even with them I was reserved. Once I got the courage to do it I no longer feared asking. So like Dr Peterson kinda said, usually if one person doesn’t understand and asks for elaboration (Joe Rohan), there are several others who don’t either and are glad to see that they aren’t alone and will then back up the initial person that was brave enough to ask. It also has a lot to do with the teacher as well! I had to take a math class in my first year in college and the female teacher was terrible. I’d raise my hand & ask her to repeat cause I was having trouble and she would pretty much politely tell me I’m stupid and just say all the same things she’d just said that I told her I didn’t get; needless to say, I failed! But when I repeated the class the next semester (cause I needed it or I would’ve just said F it!!) there was a male teacher, but I was still struggling and I was hesitant to raise my hand to ask for help because of the previous teacher. Myself and another student were having a hard time and we decided to ask questions in class despite feeling anxious about it. This male teacher took us seriously and took as much time as me & her needed so that we understood; as well as finding out there were at least 4 other students who were struggling just like me. I ended up passing with an A and speaking to the head of the math program about how terrible the first female teacher was!
With women working I now have to listen to them vent along with dealing with my own problems.
Don't be ridiculous, ask yourself why you are getting that close to all your female colleagues. As a woman I would wonder, what are you after?
@@outoforbit00
"What are YOU after" You mean what are they after. Sounds to me like they all locked onto him as their dumping ground.
Why do you jump to it being HIM that is after something!?
Hell no you didn't just say that. Lol😅
As a woman, you sound like you want a woman who's provided for so she doesn't have to work or else counseled well enough That she doesn't vent. But you can't expect her to see you as HER man if she's being provided for and counseled by someone else. So I think it is level up time for you.
@@thecommenter9678 if he has all them women discussing their difficulties with him, he must have slept with them all, its so darn obvious.
Women want to test men with problem-solving. Woman sees some red flags, she starts talking about what she has observed and she wants to see, if the man gives the most straight-forward, but not ultimately the right solution, or does he really listen and take all things into consideration. I think the woman starting that conversation already kinda knows ahead where the problem may be hidden, she needs to know that the man is invested in her surroundings as well. It may seem stupid for men, but understand that women overall are less confident and more afraid of things. Men are to protect women. And sorry, but sometimes it needs manipulation, because you want to know if the man is with you for sexual reasons, or does he care as well. It’s very important for them
This is exactly right. As women if we feel cared for in this way we can relax, we know he’s far less likely to stray or abandon us.
If we don’t get this it’s like all systems are on high alert.
I disagree. Women want to be heard & comforted.
That's not it.
My sister won't stop talking about "health" - diet, insurance, weight, activity etc. etc. I live in close proximity to her for a year now and it's driving me crazy. She is bringing her fears into my relaxed, stoic, not-worrying happy-go-lucky life and I'm starting to resent her. I can feel my stress levels rise when she's around.
It's stupid and should be bred out.
And when u do what he is saying you are also showing that you care and are invested in the relationship and in trying to figure things out.
I found this video very insightful and I will try and use the active listening advise
Basically Mr Peterson is saying, "Listen and don't interrupt! Than listen to her questions, if any. Give her empathy and carry on with your day." Ask if she wants help, if she didn't ask already. Otherwise after listening make it a conversation. If she is wrong, be careful with what words. I use a lot of "we", "us", "together" as much as common sense dictates when I feel I need to be negative. Keep sarcasm and arrogant attitude at the door.
Yes. a good description of problem determination and cuts down on wasted effort in problem correction.
(Can't help it, being a system analyst ... pity I didn't exercise these at home when talking to my wife.)
Wisdom.
" I understand !"... Charlie Harper
Yup, he does have excellent intellect, and he’s a good guy.
It depends on the problem. When a woman tells her man that she FEELS unloved, or hurt, or whatever, by something she perceives he has done. What she is looking for is reassurance, comfort, emotional support. Unfortunately, the man often hears her words as criticism
(which he can't handle) and becomes defensive. This just hurts her even more. It is like he has stabbed her and when she yells for him to take out the knife, he just shoves it in FARTHER!!! That is how it FEELS to her.
Maybe grow up
Women should get that under control, then.
Sounds like the "woman" you are describing are actually girls that need to grow the hell up. You literally described my daughter when she was 13. She drove me and my wife nuts with that crap.
The key word is perceived. If her perception is may be incorrect. And more so, if her correct is incorrect and unfounded, will she be able to adjust to the new information and reality? The answer unfortunately in many cases is she cant. This is unfortunately why this natural barrier exists. Feelings cloud logic and reason, and when attempting to address something with someone pointed critism or insults do not make for a productive conversation. Being defensive to hostile words is a normal and typical response for human beings. The idea that woman can dish it out because they have feelings and that there is no consequences if they lack that tact to express it appropriately is folly. It wouldnt work in most of their daily interactions at work, why do it at home with someone who loves you? The answer is known. Invasive thoughts turn to unwanted feelings and they are then expressed as critisms while also thinking of themselves as victims based sometimes on things that have not happened. It is not woman's fault they may be wired this way. It is up to them the same way it up to men to be calm and rational when addressing issues to get the best outcome from the person they are addressing. Anger or frustration being expressed will likely close an un-suspecting man into a defensive person which is completely foreseeable. Personal attacks that are not justified will take a very mature and measured person being in the right head space in the right condition to receive and handle appropriately.
He can handle it, he just doesn't want to because he shouldn't be criticized by his inferior, which she is since women marry up
Thank you for the opinion.
This is good info to have! If I ever decide to try loving again, this is stuff i gotta remember.
This helps a lot: DO NOT say, "You are wrong." INSTEAD SAY, "I don't understand. Please explain."
Even then she’ll be mad at you for just not understanding her haha
If one person wants to jump into solutions immediately and the other one wants to dance around the problem, it means that one of them reached adulthood and the other one didn't.
you can do this after you have worked out if she wants your helps or knows what to do and wants your support.. most of the time she does not want me to solve it
Women are complicated, keep changing always
Because women are more evolved.
good, keeps you on your toes. you never know what the next move is till it hits you like a bag of bricks
That's right. Once you think you have a handle on things, the landscape changes. You have to be a patient magician.
@ruthieclarke9125 no, not evolved. Confused on decision making. Women do not stick to one thing. Keep changing.
Women are simple, just different.
I don''t have a phd. in psychology and I will say it differently. Women are perfectly capable of coming up with the same good solution to a problem as a man. It just happens differently. A man is quiet until he comes up with a solution to a problem. A woman talks out loud as she works to a solution.
Here is what you should do as a man.
1. you listen
2. as you listen, you encourage the woman to lay out even more considerations and alternatives
3. you wait to hear a conclusion. if you disagree, you still have shown respect
I don't live my life as "Mr. Fixit".
I never heard my father say the following when arriving home in the evening:
1. how has your day been
2. what have you accomplished today
3. anything new
If you want a relationship, you have to continuously engage.
Or perhaps women just want to complain and project themselves as victims - and yak, and yak, and yak.
Some do, some do not.🙂
JP cautioned that she has to open in good faith.
@@kerriwilson7732 And that rarely happens.
Given the biological roles, men are tinkerers who are constantly trying to solve problems and take action, whereas women are managing and organizing what has been provided. If the primary role of a woman is to manage and organize the provisions acquired by a man, then it’s not a stretch to think women use talking not to solve problems, but to COPE withe problems and gain emotional CLOSURE with problems. Put simply, a man will use language to acquire a value or remove an obstacle to a value, wheras a woman will use language to adjust her DISPOSITION to a value or obstacle.
Of course language can accomplish both…it can solve an external problem, or it can solve an internal problem (mental disposition), but men are tilted toward external problems, and women are tilted toward internal.
This helps explain why a single mother will try to help ber son not by helping him learn how to solve problems, but by helping him acquiesce to them to maintain emotional stability…causing the boy to think of his problems the way a girl thinks of problems…which isn’t good for the boy, because competency is what makes men feel good.
Women who tilt too far are obnoxiously irrational. Men who tilt to far are monstrously impersonal and blockheaded.
@@kerriwilson7732 Never seen that myself.
It's always been about abusing rather then solving anything.
I have NEVER seen a women act in good faith to a man, to her kids yes, but a man? Another women in her life? Never.
Let people talk things out and the often solve their own problems
Amen noted
You are so right Mr. Peterson since I am a woman
Nice to hear a woman admit she's a woman I'm teasing
Best I heard years ago was “I don’t want you to solve (MBA case study approach) it, I want you to listen like you’re one of my girl friends! Ans “I can’t believe they said that! Don’t they know how hard you’re working!”
Dr peterson. I always appreciate your Insight and I find much of your advice as it relates to self improvement to be phenomenal. I've implemented a good deal of it in my personal life and have benefited as a result. Having said that, I want to take a moment to offer my own advice to how you dispense advice. When it comes to relationships my sense is that most of your advice is directed at men and how they need to change or how they need to accommodate the women in their lives. What about women accommodating men? I don't see nearly enough advice directed at women and how they can address their behavior as it relates to the men in their lives. You've given women advice, but it's usually about how to choose the right man. How about some advice for the ladies on improving the lives of the men they've chosen questions hi, for one, I'm sick and tired of constantly being the one to accommodate the women in my life. I'd like to see a little bit of effort on their part to better understand me and my feelings. For instance, I'm more than happy to listen to a woman vent once or twice or even three times. Once we start to get beyond that point though, once it starts to become the case that venting to me is a substitute for actually addressing the problems, then things start to deteriorate. I'm happy to listen and be a part of that clarification process, but if no action is going to be taken and we're just going to perpetually Circle the problem without actually identifying it, then I'm going to get frustrated, tired, and probably angry. And I think that response is completely Justified when we're on the 6th or 7th go around about a particular problem. At that point I think women need to understand that it's either time to address it or time to stop talking to their man about it because he's Fed Up started to impact his feelings in terms of being able to help her, feeling like he is allied with her, and so forth.
3:20 sadly most people take that as an attack but it's really just to make the problem searching precise
Big picture problem of society is that the social circle of many people is shrinking and often small or sometimes not existing and this leads to couples discuss almost all topics with their partner putting way to much unnecessary stress on the relationship.
Thats why woman used to hang around with woman to communicate their way of comforting helping reduce their anxiety by having good exchanges with other woman and men used to hang out with men to do the same but in a different way. We do things together and then open up and ask for advice to get help for a solution.
If you as a partner become the only person in their life you must fulfill all those needs while their anxiety grows even larger to loose you and its by impossible for one person to hold this burden and solve these problems longterm since noone knows it all, why we need social circles and communication. If not anxiety can grow to paranoia with severe effects on the person and the relationship becoming toxic.
Ahh, a meaningful solution. Refreshing.
It's clear male/female relationships are in the gutter -- both sides keep talking about "how to fix it."
But it's usually pseudo-intellectual dribble, like this video.
When society is sick, human behavior is the symptom.
This
we want your male perspective. sometimes we can’t see the trees through the forest?! if you can suspend judgment and take the emotion out of it, things become manageable.
Damn good advice.
This isn't just about women. It applies equally to children and even young adult men.
Don't wory about the small things and the big things will go right on by
Watched the video starting from an amused idea of another video potentially like any other about how one gender doesn't get another, which sometimes could be accurate but mostly in a cliche kind of way. In the end this is genuinely helpful advice imo.
When you solve their problems fast. They don't like that also. Even when it seems prophetic to them later. Making them solve the problem without guidance ends up pushing them away. Of course there are some that exist out of that paradime, but it's not the majority.
Perceptive and a useful guide.
I wish he would spend time addressing what woman get wrong. . . or would that be to dangerous our unchivalrous
thanks for this great advice. The first thing I said to my wife was, “Jordan Peterson says little ladies like you don’t know what you are afraid of, so I’m gonna let you just motor on until we get to the end of the groundless fears that your tiny little female mind is full of.“
It’s a great hotel. I’ve been here for the last three weeks and I hope to get, a room next week if I can get together the down payment. Now I’m more like Jordan than ever before as my rage issues bubble slowly to the surface. Thanks Jordan!
when i would ask questions, she would become so mad at me. even if i told her i was asking cause i didnt understand. Id be labeled selfish and all other names under the sun cause she had to use energy to try and make me understand. No way im going through such humiliation again trying to be there for women like that
Got no time for fucking game playing. If you want to vent, fair enough. If you want a solution, equally so. But dont expect me to know which is which. Im not a psychic
Then you didn't understand what Dr. Peterson is saying. This isn't a game to women. This is about how men and women communicate differently.
ASK
My personal rule is when someone is taking to you listen to understand not to reply.
Seek first to understand, and then be understood. - Stephen Covey
Brilliant as usual
😂 no, ignorant as all hell
Bold of him to assume that I interact with any women
I could listen to him all day lol
Great video, I just hope other people are willing to listen to me after I've given them a chance to be listened too.
How about teaching women to start this type of conversation with a initial remark like: hey, don't respond immediately but I have to talk to you a little bit to arrange my thoughts/feelings? So men know what the deal is. Women need to learn to communicate too.
Women create a "field" to keep you enmeshed. Nothings ever concluded. The action's never actually taken. Any silences are filled with passive aggression. They'll physically stand in the way to make you walk around, etc, etc.
love this man
communicate, communicate, communicate.
This man knows everything about ' addiction '.
Wife says "you haven't been listening to me at all" and he thinks well that's a strange way to start a conversation!
Talking to your husband is a bid for connection. To feel understood and to understand the spouse in return... because its supposed to be a conversation, Not do this or that now shut up. When we feel like our husband doesnt want to talk to us, we feel unsafe talking to him. We feel shut down, not understood, and devalued as the person they decided to marry. One of the biggest walls in a marriage to climb is coming to a compromise between men wanting women to just shut up and put out and women wanting their man to listen, which makes them feel safe and connected... then they will put out. A man shuts a woman down in conversation then wonders why she isnt in the mood. And vise versa a woman talks about something and wont accept a solution(because she didnt ask for one) now he feels disrespected and devalued so in turn shuts down conversation.
Saying that this is a problem for men is an understatement and I find this reality if true very disturbing and hard to cope with
I mean- other than dealing with them in the first place?
We women absolutely know that a man can be a predator. A man capable of being lovingly protective is very attractive. Then, recognize me as an individual person who deserves respect, as you do. Listen. Last, don't assume I live on this world to serve you. Think partnership. Condescension and arrogance are poison.
Why in the world is this so hard?
You do realise some women act as though we're here to serve them. I come home from work, I havnt done anything wrong and you start a 'conversation' with an insult.
@orangewarm1 Nah, she doesn't realize that.
Since she's using the term "partnership" to describe marriage, and demanding to be respected akin to a man -- she hasn't just missed the plot. She's missed the whole series.
Because If I gave you the same respect I gave any other man you'd be deeply insulted. With this video for instance, If I had a problem and brought it to you like this your respectful response should be "shut up and come back when you actually know what you want from me" or "you need to work on your self reflection ability because you're not even at the stage where you can ask for help yet".
And how do you expect us to respect you when you are unable to fix easy problems.
How are we supose to respect you when you constantly complain about things that shouldnt even be an issue.
If you want respect, you need to act like someone deserving of it.
Which means, take the fucking advice and fix the damn issue and then stop complaining about it.
Men don't want a partnership or equality. Men want dominion. When are women going to understand this? I always hear fellow women talk about "equality this, equality that", the men don't care!!! If they had it their way, they would chain you to the stove, barefoot and pregnant. Why do you think they don't listen to us? Because they feel like gods over us. They don't feel they have to listen. We're told to take a man's name because we're property, not equals. Why do you think the Bible says it's good for a man to marry but doesn't say the same about the woman? Because marriage benefits them more than it benefits us. Believing in equality is like believing in peace. It has never existed on this planet and never will.
What podcast is this from? I'd love to hear the whole thing
Hey! Well now i think i have a problem. In Mexico (or maybe Latam) there is a trend between women that a man who can solve is valuable, however if you ask a man to help for something or if he asks if you need help this is seen as a "man who can't solve", it's like a man should have the iniative to solve without consulting the solution.
This is frightening because my partner just broke her phone and she was saving money for something else, i didn't want to ask if i could send her some money because i knew she would say no, but I sent her money anyway without saying a thing.
Now i just hope she won't get mad at me, i feel a bit worried about it
Thanks JP, but that’s too complicated for me. Best just steer clear!
Dr. Peterson, I think this is your best piece ever! Thanks so much for explaining it so exactly!
But I must say, it's not just men who have the tendency to problem-solve without listening. A lot of our girlfriends and sisters do the same, especially those who are heavily vested in playing a mother role. That's why we childless women don't usually click so well with women with more than two kids, because they derive their whole self-esteem from trying to solve other people's problems. They even start looking for problems before you've brought any up. They're like, "Please, please! Let me fix your life for you! Pleeeease!" They're far worse than men!! 😂
It's a little late now, but this would have been very helpful to me about 12 or 15 years ago. It makes sense. When a woman dumps on me it used to really flummox me because the first thing that popped into my head was the same way Freud looked at it, viz. "What does woman want?" And it takes a gentle, careful Socratic approach to find out. I had little experience dealing with women, so it was almost like talking to a Martian, well, a Venusian.
"You have to". No , you don't. Why should men always adjust to women, why not meet in the middle.
Its the way I do It most of the time. The idea that I am meant to only pander to a woman, even if she leads to insults and uses negative behaviours is fooly. I will not be treated incorrectly and then bend over and beg for acceptance. This is mark of a weak individual. Being there for a woman is not hard. Her ability to articulate and address the issue with tact is important at her job or in a certain environments, and I refuse to get less respect or effort in communication than strangers. I dont need to call her out of her name or raise my voice, but I know that she would not appriecate me acting in a similiar manner if the roles were reversed and thats the root of the issue. Treat other how you would like to be treated and dont create or put me in a situation where I must tolerate your bad behaviour or insults, especially if they are unreasonable or unfounded.
As a woman, if I ask myself if I need to vent or want a solution and then communicate that up front with my man does that make it easier for him?
Jordan is correct listening is key.
@TheDiaryOfACEO should be mentioned...
Think less of a woman like you equal and more like a child you have to comfort and your relationship is gonna go way better.
She will feel more secure and happy with you