👏 👏 👏 yes it does! & the question is: Is this healthy for me or not, are we growing and learning in a healthy way or..is it constant cycling of turmoil... then get out 1st and getting better follows ;) your attachment style CAN change with serious work, but you'll never feel secure with the wrong person... it just doesn't happen no matter how hard you try to "better" yourself. Radical acceptance is needed for the self, a small for a getting the relationship as it is... then returning to the question again.... NOT can I make it work... but IS THIS HEALTHY GROWTH ❤ 🙏
This is me. I struggle so hard in relationships. I want to be close to people but feel like I never can. I didn't even realize I had the fearful avoidant attachment until therapy. I realized I was anxious but I realized I would hide my feelings from my husband and go stoic. I'm trying to show more vulnerability.
Hello! I would appreciate some advice if you are okay with giving some 🥺 Can I ask what benefit it brings to be vulnerable? also, I suppose it's not always worth being vulnerable right and it depends on who you're dealing with? Suppose someone cares for you but doesn't know how to be careful with your feelings because they don't have an understanding of how hard it is for you to be vulnerable. Would you say it's worth opening up to them? I'm inclined to thinking that I shouldn't open up to them because I know how fragile I am and if I did open up, they wouldn't understand (at least not much) and wouldn't know how to be careful with me and I'll end up being hurt. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you!
@@thyyu1874 if you open up and they take it well and understand your situation than trust will build. You’ll have a stronger bond. But if they don’t you’ll see the are emotionally unavailable. Unfortunately from my experience when I opened up to a woman I would turn her off which always led to losing them. They seen me as weak. So now I have trouble opening up. Forces me to lie in a way… but in return they stay attracted
@thyyu1874 well I guess it's being vulnerable with the right people for sure and it's hard sometimes to know who is worthy of our trust. Do you think this person is worthy of your trust? Have they proven to be empathetic or caring? Do they criticize you a lot? How long have you known the person? Has the person been dismissive of your feelings before? If you've tried to be open how did the conversation go? These are some questions I'd ask myself before opening up to someone:)
Almost all the discussion online about all this stuff is about romantic relationships, which is frustrating. I just want to be able to even make friends with people, but I feel extremely uncomfortable just even talking to most people.
Don’t worry, attachment styles always impact friends and family. It’s the exact same thing for me. I’m very introverted and value my alone time, but at the same i crave meaning friendships. i have been let down so many times that’s it’s hard to make new friends now
@@cmilly2009 Social anxiety and attachment anxiety are very similar. To me, social anxiety takes over your body in a moment but attachment anxiety lives rent-free in your head.
It’s so hard to find that middle ground in a relationship this this kind of attachment style. It’s either too overwhelming or you have constant anxiety that they are going to abandon you. There are some times though when it is in that healthy in-between and I soak it up as much as I can when when things are feeling good. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me so I find ways to ride through these ups and downs without letting it affect my relationship. He’s also very understanding as well and does his best to meet my needs so I’m not feeling smothered but also that I’m reassured of his love for me. Of course it’s not always perfect but we both do our best and that’s why I know this relationship is worth it ❤
@@tat2dMama68generally they do. Its people (often anxiously attached) who tend to chase fearful avoidants. Also, Fearful avoidants tend to be charming, empathic and have many good sides. Its their untreated CPTSD that gets in the way combined with all the core wounds that exist in the one chasing them. Its a recipe for disaster but they are not deliberately preying on people to lure them in or anything like that. People come to them and form trauma bonds with them because both sides have unhealed issues. Heck, there are even securely attached who become very interested in the fearful avoidants. They tend to be very likeable people. Its when you get trauma bonded with eachother that the issues start.
@@Portia620 the two avoidant types do. The anxious type doesn’t like being alone as much. Securely attached people are the only ones that have satisfying relationships.
@@borcsaster weirdly….that makes sense. I started backing off the guy I’m anxious about and now he messages me more frequently. I feel so bad ignoring him….but he seems to like it???
@@jdprettynails Well, I think giving some 'space' to breathe is the key here. We are quite suspicious and it takes time until we truly trust in someone. We also have to feel that we aren't taken advantage of. So an avoidant partner naturally brings these criteria to the table however if they make the chase too lengthy, we can loose interest, thinking he/she was only playing 'hard to get' and went too far. That's a trust issue again. As an anxious you might have to learn to let the other be as they were before, so they can sometimes find back and feel their 'roots'. You know for us (and for avoidants too) being sometimes alone means an opportunity to build some self-reliance and confidence. So don't worry to let him to live his life sometimes without you, he's building his self-trust at those times and he will be glad to invite you to celebrate it with you, when he's finished with that thing. (As he does as I understand.) He will be happy to have a company to share his life with, just remember to always stay interesting and always leave something - or provide something new - to explore.😉 ...a bit complicated I know! 😄
@@borcsaster nah, that's the worst advice, HEAL, go to therapy, and stop chasing people like us. We're two faces of the same coin, so it often feels like we're made for each other, so we need to heal so we can become more secure in our attachments.
@@DreadHouseTVI don't know what it's called, but I've thought about it and I think it relates to fear of intimacy? I know I run from the people I really care about because I don't want to be seen how broken I am. But I also have a tendency to be attracted to the really cold personality types who will give me no emotionality, probably because they don't pose a risk of ever requiring a certain depth of intimacy from me, or they are unobtainable/never give the emotion in the first place, so you can't lose something you never got.
Im so emotionally overwhelmed right now watching this. I’ve never really expressed these feelings before but this sums up the majority of the issues in my life. I didn’t know this was a thing. I definitely had a shitty childhood with some trauma, and was raised mainly by a single mom who didn’t really know what she was doing (I can’t blame her). Thank you for sharing this and if u could give me some tips on how to work out of this I would be very appreciative. Thank you.
I understand the feeling. I highly recommend seeking out more content on this attachment style. It can be overwhelming but it IS something that can be overcome into eventual secure attachment! Thais Gibson Personal Development School is a treasure. Good luck and much love to you.
I've never seen a better clip of myself when I romantically attach to someone. Also, I tend to attach EARLY in the dating phase compared to most people, so I am doing these things while we're getting to know each other or going on dates, before a proper relationship. It makes me look insane due to the timing of it, or people think I'm playing games. Also extra fun is that I get like this while we're getting to know each other, but if I just naturally lose interest, I then look even more insane because I become normal but no longer interested, and the other person is SO confused. Horrible Part 3 to this is that when I am NOT interested in a person, I am completely normal, friendly, comfortable, and can really get to know them. The crazy part is gone and I could actually invest and do relational work. Except I'm not interested. This is also very confusing to everyone. It's why I stick to friends only!
@@a.h.2667 I appreciate your comment, I'll see if I can explain some strategies I'm trying. It is very hard going. I have done a ton of introspection and pattern analysis of myself to understand my own behaviors and reactions first. My attachment style, analyzing patterns in past relationships, traits in past partners, traits in myself-- a lot of psychological work so that I can try to learn my own triggers, boundaries, mistakes, as well as shortcomings, as well as what red flags are for me in potential partners. Since attachment styles are shaped by trauma and by childhood, I've looked into those areas. Some of the hair trigger "push pull run away" stuff is actually neurological and due to an uncontrolled trauma response, so I've been looking into trauma-specific therapy (not regular talk therapy), to try to stop these overwhelming biological responses, which can get confused for psychological ones. Identifying childhood wounds that contributed to why one's attachment style developed the way it did has been SUPER helpful for me. It immediately gave me insight into my own irrational psychological reactions and boundaries I need to set, and what *I* personally need to see as an FA to feel safety in order to attach. Though I am still unsuccessful, I feel like the only way to improve and learn is to face everything head-on, so I will continue to try to get involved in relationships, though I think having a therapist to help who understands my attachment issues would be great as I attempted the dating process so they could give feedback in real time. As to how quickly I attach and being out of phase with most of the population, I assume that is just who I am and part of my neurodivergence. It means I just have to try to filter and find people with the same "attraction metabolism speed" I have, otherwise we're always out of sync. It means having to be very careful of lovebombers and also, being careful with other avoidant types, as they attach slower than normal and are usually uncomfortable with higher degrees of relational intensity. I feel like as an FA, one of our qualities is that when we do something, we dive all in, which is why we also get so profoundly fearful and messed up because it means when our hearts are broken, they are just crushed and we can't regulate. But for the right people who value the double-edged nature of those traits and are willing to work together, the relationship will actually have depth and devotion that can be intense and fulfilling.
Your response totally explained me in all dating situations I am self aware now and can recognize the feelings so I'm implementing a 48 hour reaction rule. I'm not allowing myself to react to any of these fight/flight/fawn/ freeze feelings for 2 days because they always pass and then I've made a mess and am back to rational then I look inconsistent and insane. I also read if we keep seeing someone once we lose interest, that's when the real love begins so I will be forcing myself to keep seeing and talking to someone past that no interest. If the interest never leaves then it is definitely a gut instinct we should be listening to. That's what's confusing is everything is red flags but I can't tell what should be green and what red through all my fears of not ignoring red flags 🙄🫣😣
"--or maybe i'll freeze?" me!! when it's bad, my throat clamps shut like a vice and it physically feels like i can't talk. other times, i try to force words or reach out for my partner because i know i should comfort him, but it's like all my joints have become rusted shut there's so much resistance. my ex was also an FA, i didn't realize this was something i did til i saw him doing it with me, lol. i lost composure and cried when opening up about my mom, and he looked terrified. he was wide-eyed, did a monotone robot voice "i'm so sorry," and i could practically hear the squeaking of a hinge as his hand went onto my knee. 😭
So I have this and am managing to navigate this a bit. I would say what seems to work for me when I am in a relationshop is asking my partner or friend directly to clarify if what I am feeling and /or thinking in my head is what is going on in theirs as well. 80% of the time it is completely untrue, 10% of the time it is only partially true and the partner is also just having a bad day, and the other 10% they are mad but it opens things for discussion, which admittedly is the scariest part of this method. But 80% of the time, my anxiety goes away with this approach, so I use it. Just be upfront with your partner and let them know what is going on and why sometimes you might suddenly ask if they are mad at you or if something is wrong, or that you may also inexplicably need space for a day or two while you work through things. Also, therapy is the most useful tool you could utilize if it is within your means. There is no fully healing from this without a trained professional to help guide and keep you on your path of mental health and recovery.
Yeahh, like for me i would love to have a functioning and very close loving relationship with someone, but i stay with unavailable people cause in reality im terrified of actually getting close to someone. so i guess is waay better for me to chase someone who likes me enough to keep me around but not enough to actually commit, so we're always bouncing between that space, wich is what im used to and feels safer somehow.
I wish I could send this to my ex, I started dating her at 18 and had no idea about attachment types really. I probably put her through a lot in our 4 years together. I did truly love her but constantly had this emotional pull either way and never understood why. Since we’ve broken up it’s all making sense, my lack of self awareness led me to be controlled by my attachment type and hurt the person I cared most about in the process.
I tried 6 years with a Dismissive Avoidant. It should be against the law for a DA and FA to fall in love 😆 DA just hit all my FA flight or fight buttons.
Yes! Any insecure attachment will hit another insecure attachments Why are flight with an insecure attachment with someone who has a secure attachment will have a secure relationship is what they say
What is hard about FA and DA is when deactivation is out of sync. You want to make up, the DA is still processing so shuts down, you pull all the way back, the DA is hurt and feels abandoned. That cycle is hard. That being said, I've always found DA's more chill to date than AP's and other FA's. I've had my best relationships with DA's.
felt this way and broke up with my absolutely perfect boyfriend, i just can't deal with being in relationships... i can't deal with it when things get good.
Experiencing it as the partner feels absolutely crazy too! But honestly if you can verbalize it at least we know where you are at that moment and can act and support accordingly. It’s the guessing and not knowing that makes it so hard
I feel these things and I vocalize them too. Sometimes to a fault. My avoidant side is scary. I’m just like, please, please do not touch me . I need to work on being nicer
This is me. It’s so weird, calling someone a friend has become so hard for me to say because I’m scared and uncomfortable to reach that level. A small fight or issue has me running, I’ve blocked people in the past over it. I’m getting therapy because I realised the pain I’m avoiding is exactly what I’m giving to others.
Yes, 100%! One person has managed to break down my walls enough that I want him closer, but that's probably bc he's a DA and is keeping Me at a distance. I'm in the process of partially building that wall back up, which I know is a bad thing, but something I need right now.
@@frankastisk will a secure give u enough space but not so much to feel abandoned? but reaching out to him will be heavier and awkward and hard if he don't reach out I would think he left me and leave him first.. that's f up I know I'm working on it
@@peacejoy3629 I've left "my DA" when I've felt him pull away, which in turn has made Him feel abandoned. It's gotten much better. I don't know if a secure person would make it easier tbh. I have to work on becoming secure myself first.
This attachment style can be fixed if you did emdr therapy. I did for 3 hardcore years, didn’t date anyone for the whole time and really healed a lot of my triggers and trauma. I was honest and open to myself and I am now secure attachment. Currently dating an FA and I feel so sad bc I get where he’s coming from, but he can’t get better unless he does the inner work. It’s so sad to witness.
I am that type, a fearful-avoidant attachment.. it is really hard for me to be in relationship with a man.. I was so afraid that they would lose interest in me and found me boring.. I didnt want to depend on anyone.. it was so hard for me to get married and found a man that I could be with.. but luckyly, I found a man who can accept me for who I am and at first I was so worry to be open up to my husband but he is a reliable person.. he is not perfect just like me but I feel secure because I have him and my kids.. but it was really hard for me as a kid, a teenager, and adults to be open up to someone but once you found your secure base.. it is alright because we are just human after all
This is what I imagine my ex was going through right before he dipped. Struggling to figure out how to get him to feel safe enough to see me face to face poor thing. I’m supposedly secure, his hot n cold triggered my anxiousness but my avoidant side kept me from spazzing out on him. Now I just want to hug him.
I am an anxious preoccupied and fearful-avoidant as well…when my anxious preoccupied attachment activates, I get over share, being very honest and open with that person from the start but the bad side is I get anxious, I get anxiety, I overthink, I vomit, I delete messages and the best part is that I know how to kill my attachment for that person and then my fearful-avoidant attachment activates and I become aloof, don’t want a relationship with you, okay in casual dating you I’m fucked up
This is me. I found this out last night and a light bulb clicked. And hearing more and more about the trait makes me wondering more on how i can better myself... when thats exactly what the trait is. 😂 but im being told attachment styles can change
39 years old here and I discovered yesterday that my inability to maintain friendships and relationships is because I'm a fearful avoidant. I'm both relieved and scared to discover this. Not sure I can be helped.
Fearful or anxious or dismissive people are all traumatized. Many of us, probably most of America has some of this trauma. For highly sensitive individuals, and for people who have suffered extreme trauma, it is very pronounced. This verbalization helps a lot for those of us who witness the fear filled eyes and see the dust as they evaporate into the distance… We are beginning to see and feel seen, and it brings me back to what I learned from the Dalai Lama: Be kind whenever possible; it’s always possible. If there’s a choice between being kind and being right, choose being kind and you will always be right.
Right after I met his family he pulled back and said he was questioning the relationship. These people are monsters and play with people like toys. I don't care the reason, I care how THEY hurt ME.
"oh your being alittle distant, can you finally see how flawed I am and just don't like me anymore" That's the one 🥲, funny how that comes after I feel like I've shared too much or have been distant tho 😂
Just flip this around and imagine how a secure male rationalises this behaviour when they attempt to befriend a FA female, let alone become intimate partners. FAs don't set out to be cruel but some of their 'tricks', including triangulating with other potential partners, irrational emotional outbursts based upon unfounded jealousy and 'silent treatment' of men that are doing their best to be loyal friends, make FAs a group that are best left alone.
@@gneissnicebaby I was a FA. Not only did it impact my life adversely, it impacted my wife and family. I waited a lifetime before I set about fixing it, my advice to any FA is find a therapist you like and stick with it until you are rid of it. It took me four years and quite a lot of the sessions were emotionally exhausting. The earlier you start, the sooner you will be rid of it. It is absolutely not your fault, my FA traits were catalysed by nasty childhood and teenage traumas, you are the victim but it is toxic to those that you love so, for their sake, put it in the past.
Ah yes, being afraid of inconsistency but also causing inconsistency.
The true definition of FA.
HA HA HA HA welcome to hell.
yes 😭
Yooo 😅
Right!
Ahh yes the un going pattern of my life
I feel called out.
Saamee 😬
I feel super called out
Very much so.
I totally feel called-out. But I love it lol.
Fr 😅
"I should just get out now.. or become better" that perfectly describes the energy of every fearful avoidant I know. So very fearful and insecure
👏 👏 👏 yes it does! & the question is:
Is this healthy for me or not, are we growing and learning in a healthy way or..is it constant cycling of turmoil... then get out 1st and getting better follows ;) your attachment style CAN change with serious work, but you'll never feel secure with the wrong person... it just doesn't happen no matter how hard you try to "better" yourself. Radical acceptance is needed for the self, a small for a getting the relationship as it is... then returning to the question again.... NOT can I make it work... but IS THIS HEALTHY GROWTH ❤ 🙏
This is me. I struggle so hard in relationships. I want to be close to people but feel like I never can. I didn't even realize I had the fearful avoidant attachment until therapy. I realized I was anxious but I realized I would hide my feelings from my husband and go stoic. I'm trying to show more vulnerability.
It’s good that you noticed. Most people have no idea
Hello! I would appreciate some advice if you are okay with giving some 🥺
Can I ask what benefit it brings to be vulnerable? also, I suppose it's not always worth being vulnerable right and it depends on who you're dealing with?
Suppose someone cares for you but doesn't know how to be careful with your feelings because they don't have an understanding of how hard it is for you to be vulnerable. Would you say it's worth opening up to them?
I'm inclined to thinking that I shouldn't open up to them because I know how fragile I am and if I did open up, they wouldn't understand (at least not much) and wouldn't know how to be careful with me and I'll end up being hurt.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you!
@@thyyu1874 if you open up and they take it well and understand your situation than trust will build. You’ll have a stronger bond. But if they don’t you’ll see the are emotionally unavailable. Unfortunately from my experience when I opened up to a woman I would turn her off which always led to losing them. They seen me as weak. So now I have trouble opening up. Forces me to lie in a way… but in return they stay attracted
The fact that you’re married…is half the battle.
@thyyu1874 well I guess it's being vulnerable with the right people for sure and it's hard sometimes to know who is worthy of our trust. Do you think this person is worthy of your trust? Have they proven to be empathetic or caring? Do they criticize you a lot? How long have you known the person? Has the person been dismissive of your feelings before? If you've tried to be open how did the conversation go? These are some questions I'd ask myself before opening up to someone:)
"you want me to be dependent on you?!" attacked me on so many levels
Almost all the discussion online about all this stuff is about romantic relationships, which is frustrating. I just want to be able to even make friends with people, but I feel extremely uncomfortable just even talking to most people.
You may also have social anxiety. I believe i have both
Don’t worry, attachment styles always impact friends and family. It’s the exact same thing for me. I’m very introverted and value my alone time, but at the same i crave meaning friendships. i have been let down so many times that’s it’s hard to make new friends now
Work as well
@@cmilly2009 Social anxiety and attachment anxiety are very similar. To me, social anxiety takes over your body in a moment but attachment anxiety lives rent-free in your head.
this is hell
FAs just need a hug
Except if you hug them they "FeEl SmOtHeReD!"
😢
😊
So true. There are some tears that just need to flow.
Lol Seriously though 🎯. Hugs rock! Implicit memory is a bitch.
"You want me to be dependent on you??"
Fine. Thats me.
"Or just become better" that hit me hard. I used to tell myself that all the time.
What does it mean to be better ? To work on you wounds or to look better ?
@robinharrison4902 at the time it meant to be what they wanted me to be. But now, I tell myself to be better for me.
@@zerofreakshow7612same
It’s so hard to find that middle ground in a relationship this this kind of attachment style. It’s either too overwhelming or you have constant anxiety that they are going to abandon you. There are some times though when it is in that healthy in-between and I soak it up as much as I can when when things are feeling good. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me so I find ways to ride through these ups and downs without letting it affect my relationship. He’s also very understanding as well and does his best to meet my needs so I’m not feeling smothered but also that I’m reassured of his love for me. Of course it’s not always perfect but we both do our best and that’s why I know this relationship is worth it ❤
I wish u more blessed time with this person 🥺 U both sound so strong
Thats maturity. 🙏🏽 lets be honest there isn’t a lot of people which want to keep fighting so keep him
If you don’t mind me asking what are some of the things he does that help find that balance?
I was seeing a woman with FA attachment and it scrambled my damn brain. Now I’m in trauma therapy. Broke my heart…was crushing
When did you know
I can SO relate... minus the trauma therapy, but it's still maddening to the point of having your heart crushed.
People like that need to leave the rest of us alone.
@@tat2dMama68generally they do. Its people (often anxiously attached) who tend to chase fearful avoidants. Also, Fearful avoidants tend to be charming, empathic and have many good sides. Its their untreated CPTSD that gets in the way combined with all the core wounds that exist in the one chasing them. Its a recipe for disaster but they are not deliberately preying on people to lure them in or anything like that. People come to them and form trauma bonds with them because both sides have unhealed issues. Heck, there are even securely attached who become very interested in the fearful avoidants. They tend to be very likeable people. Its when you get trauma bonded with eachother that the issues start.
@@tat2dMama68...thanks! That'll help a lot...
As a FA, I can't even start a relationship let alone reach this point lol.
😂😂😂 I feel this to my core!
I can totally relate
Same
Couldn’t have expressed it better myself. My anxious side actually makes me more avoidant. I pretty much isolate. This attachment style is hell.
They all are except the healthy one…come to the healthy side. It can be done
@@Portia620 the two avoidant types do. The anxious type doesn’t like being alone as much. Securely attached people are the only ones that have satisfying relationships.
Me, an anxiously attached person furiously taking notes: How can I HELP YOU?!?!?!
..become avoidant and then we'll furiously chase you! 😜 😂
@@borcsaster weirdly….that makes sense. I started backing off the guy I’m anxious about and now he messages me more frequently. I feel so bad ignoring him….but he seems to like it???
Sorry, but this made me laugh so hard. My anxious-leaning partner is exactly like that
@@jdprettynails Well, I think giving some 'space' to breathe is the key here. We are quite suspicious and it takes time until we truly trust in someone. We also have to feel that we aren't taken advantage of. So an avoidant partner naturally brings these criteria to the table however if they make the chase too lengthy, we can loose interest, thinking he/she was only playing 'hard to get' and went too far. That's a trust issue again.
As an anxious you might have to learn to let the other be as they were before, so they can sometimes find back and feel their 'roots'. You know for us (and for avoidants too) being sometimes alone means an opportunity to build some self-reliance and confidence. So don't worry to let him to live his life sometimes without you, he's building his self-trust at those times and he will be glad to invite you to celebrate it with you, when he's finished with that thing. (As he does as I understand.) He will be happy to have a company to share his life with, just remember to always stay interesting and always leave something - or provide something new - to explore.😉
...a bit complicated I know! 😄
@@borcsaster nah, that's the worst advice, HEAL, go to therapy, and stop chasing people like us. We're two faces of the same coin, so it often feels like we're made for each other, so we need to heal so we can become more secure in our attachments.
This is so me
I usually distance myself from the people i love and i easily love people who care for me little.
Hmm this sounds familiar to me.
What is that called?
Fuck this comment came for me.
@@DreadHouseTVI don't know what it's called, but I've thought about it and I think it relates to fear of intimacy? I know I run from the people I really care about because I don't want to be seen how broken I am. But I also have a tendency to be attracted to the really cold personality types who will give me no emotionality, probably because they don't pose a risk of ever requiring a certain depth of intimacy from me, or they are unobtainable/never give the emotion in the first place, so you can't lose something you never got.
@@DreadHouseTV It's called being a god damn moron.. is what that's called.
Im so emotionally overwhelmed right now watching this. I’ve never really expressed these feelings before but this sums up the majority of the issues in my life. I didn’t know this was a thing. I definitely had a shitty childhood with some trauma, and was raised mainly by a single mom who didn’t really know what she was doing (I can’t blame her). Thank you for sharing this and if u could give me some tips on how to work out of this I would be very appreciative. Thank you.
Yes tips please 🙏
I understand the feeling. I highly recommend seeking out more content on this attachment style. It can be overwhelming but it IS something that can be overcome into eventual secure attachment! Thais Gibson Personal Development School is a treasure. Good luck and much love to you.
@@ashtree144 Thank you very much ♥️ I’ll look into that
@@ashtree144 I was going to recommend Thais too! I think everyone would benefit from her videos. ❤
@@Looch27try co dependents anonymous and the personal development school RUclips channel (fearful avoidant playlist)
I didn’t even know that was happening to me until today. I thought I was the only one like this. There’s people like me. That’s reassuring.
The dependent thing took me out!!! You might as well ask me to slit my own throat 😂😂😂
OK it's exactly what I need to explain to some people why I am so "difficult"
right like i’m not bipolar just like just triggered 😭☠️🤞🏻
@@kaitlyntriplett4933same but for me: Nah, I swear I don't have Borderline eben if it appears like it 😂💀
I've never seen a better clip of myself when I romantically attach to someone. Also, I tend to attach EARLY in the dating phase compared to most people, so I am doing these things while we're getting to know each other or going on dates, before a proper relationship. It makes me look insane due to the timing of it, or people think I'm playing games.
Also extra fun is that I get like this while we're getting to know each other, but if I just naturally lose interest, I then look even more insane because I become normal but no longer interested, and the other person is SO confused.
Horrible Part 3 to this is that when I am NOT interested in a person, I am completely normal, friendly, comfortable, and can really get to know them. The crazy part is gone and I could actually invest and do relational work. Except I'm not interested. This is also very confusing to everyone. It's why I stick to friends only!
The level of self awareness you have is wonderful. How are you working on healing this?
@@a.h.2667 I appreciate your comment, I'll see if I can explain some strategies I'm trying.
It is very hard going. I have done a ton of introspection and pattern analysis of myself to understand my own behaviors and reactions first. My attachment style, analyzing patterns in past relationships, traits in past partners, traits in myself-- a lot of psychological work so that I can try to learn my own triggers, boundaries, mistakes, as well as shortcomings, as well as what red flags are for me in potential partners.
Since attachment styles are shaped by trauma and by childhood, I've looked into those areas. Some of the hair trigger "push pull run away" stuff is actually neurological and due to an uncontrolled trauma response, so I've been looking into trauma-specific therapy (not regular talk therapy), to try to stop these overwhelming biological responses, which can get confused for psychological ones.
Identifying childhood wounds that contributed to why one's attachment style developed the way it did has been SUPER helpful for me. It immediately gave me insight into my own irrational psychological reactions and boundaries I need to set, and what *I* personally need to see as an FA to feel safety in order to attach.
Though I am still unsuccessful, I feel like the only way to improve and learn is to face everything head-on, so I will continue to try to get involved in relationships, though I think having a therapist to help who understands my attachment issues would be great as I attempted the dating process so they could give feedback in real time.
As to how quickly I attach and being out of phase with most of the population, I assume that is just who I am and part of my neurodivergence. It means I just have to try to filter and find people with the same "attraction metabolism speed" I have, otherwise we're always out of sync. It means having to be very careful of lovebombers and also, being careful with other avoidant types, as they attach slower than normal and are usually uncomfortable with higher degrees of relational intensity.
I feel like as an FA, one of our qualities is that when we do something, we dive all in, which is why we also get so profoundly fearful and messed up because it means when our hearts are broken, they are just crushed and we can't regulate. But for the right people who value the double-edged nature of those traits and are willing to work together, the relationship will actually have depth and devotion that can be intense and fulfilling.
Your response totally explained me in all dating situations I am self aware now and can recognize the feelings so I'm implementing a 48 hour reaction rule. I'm not allowing myself to react to any of these fight/flight/fawn/ freeze feelings for 2 days because they always pass and then I've made a mess and am back to rational then I look inconsistent and insane. I also read if we keep seeing someone once we lose interest, that's when the real love begins so I will be forcing myself to keep seeing and talking to someone past that no interest. If the interest never leaves then it is definitely a gut instinct we should be listening to. That's what's confusing is everything is red flags but I can't tell what should be green and what red through all my fears of not ignoring red flags 🙄🫣😣
Exactly how it is. It's like a rollercoaster having this attachment style and it sucks. They don't call it the hardest to fix/treat for nothing.
What I can't handle is when they have given themselves to others and play hard to get, cold and distant when I treat them with love and respect.
I dont know what to do to deal with this, I’ve met the perfect person
Courage courage and self awareness.i met the perfect person too.dont screw it up!!!
Fight tooth and nail to not screw it up please
Try co dependents anonymous. It is excellent for our attachment style. Also personal development school RUclips channel fearful avoidant playlist.
Is this what true self awareness is?
Yes it is
Yes
"--or maybe i'll freeze?" me!! when it's bad, my throat clamps shut like a vice and it physically feels like i can't talk. other times, i try to force words or reach out for my partner because i know i should comfort him, but it's like all my joints have become rusted shut there's so much resistance.
my ex was also an FA, i didn't realize this was something i did til i saw him doing it with me, lol. i lost composure and cried when opening up about my mom, and he looked terrified. he was wide-eyed, did a monotone robot voice "i'm so sorry," and i could practically hear the squeaking of a hinge as his hand went onto my knee. 😭
My inner dialogue 😅
“I should just get out now… or become better!” described my thoughts about every relationship in one sentence 😂
So I have this and am managing to navigate this a bit. I would say what seems to work for me when I am in a relationshop is asking my partner or friend directly to clarify if what I am feeling and /or thinking in my head is what is going on in theirs as well. 80% of the time it is completely untrue, 10% of the time it is only partially true and the partner is also just having a bad day, and the other 10% they are mad but it opens things for discussion, which admittedly is the scariest part of this method. But 80% of the time, my anxiety goes away with this approach, so I use it. Just be upfront with your partner and let them know what is going on and why sometimes you might suddenly ask if they are mad at you or if something is wrong, or that you may also inexplicably need space for a day or two while you work through things. Also, therapy is the most useful tool you could utilize if it is within your means. There is no fully healing from this without a trained professional to help guide and keep you on your path of mental health and recovery.
Yep. It's hard to figure out what to do as a fearful avoidant.
Wait, that last sentence--"I should probly just get out now, OR just become BETTER!" lmfaaooo damn, the struggle is sooo reeaallll 😂😅😭
Yeahh, like for me i would love to have a functioning and very close loving relationship with someone, but i stay with unavailable people cause in reality im terrified of actually getting close to someone. so i guess is waay better for me to chase someone who likes me enough to keep me around but not enough to actually commit, so we're always bouncing between that space, wich is what im used to and feels safer somehow.
I wish I could send this to my ex, I started dating her at 18 and had no idea about attachment types really. I probably put her through a lot in our 4 years together. I did truly love her but constantly had this emotional pull either way and never understood why. Since we’ve broken up it’s all making sense, my lack of self awareness led me to be controlled by my attachment type and hurt the person I cared most about in the process.
I tried 6 years with a Dismissive Avoidant. It should be against the law for a DA and FA to fall in love 😆 DA just hit all my FA flight or fight buttons.
Yes! Any insecure attachment will hit another insecure attachments Why are flight with an insecure attachment with someone who has a secure attachment will have a secure relationship is what they say
Lmaoo!!! The DA was my best relationship! I pulled away and so did he. Then we both leaned back in enough to not trigger the other's avoidance! 😂😂😂
What is hard about FA and DA is when deactivation is out of sync. You want to make up, the DA is still processing so shuts down, you pull all the way back, the DA is hurt and feels abandoned. That cycle is hard. That being said, I've always found DA's more chill to date than AP's and other FA's. I've had my best relationships with DA's.
felt this way and broke up with my absolutely perfect boyfriend, i just can't deal with being in relationships... i can't deal with it when things get good.
Did you communicate with your perfect boyfriend?
Oh man. The first step is knowing. Thanks for posting!
Omg...when you verbalize it, I sound crazy as hell😂😂😂
Experiencing it as the partner feels absolutely crazy too! But honestly if you can verbalize it at least we know where you are at that moment and can act and support accordingly. It’s the guessing and not knowing that makes it so hard
I feel these things and I vocalize them too. Sometimes to a fault. My avoidant side is scary. I’m just like, please, please do not touch me . I need to work on being nicer
"Get out now or just become better." 🎯That cut. 😅
That last sentence I've said in my head 1000 times, "I should prolly get out now or just become better"
They're confused and confusing. Anyways your eye color is everything
This is me. It’s so weird, calling someone a friend has become so hard for me to say because I’m scared and uncomfortable to reach that level. A small fight or issue has me running, I’ve blocked people in the past over it. I’m getting therapy because I realised the pain I’m avoiding is exactly what I’m giving to others.
Sadly this is me. I've just come to terms with being single now. Relationship just never works for me
Your eyes are hypnotising! I had to rewatch to hear the message.
Yes, 100%! One person has managed to break down my walls enough that I want him closer, but that's probably bc he's a DA and is keeping Me at a distance. I'm in the process of partially building that wall back up, which I know is a bad thing, but something I need right now.
I think a secure would be the best option.
@@mosabalkhteb8107 Yes, obviously, but we all do what we can with the possibilities we have. I'm working on my healing every day.
@@frankastisk will a secure give u enough space but not so much to feel abandoned? but reaching out to him will be heavier and awkward and hard if he don't reach out I would think he left me and leave him first.. that's f up I know I'm working on it
@@peacejoy3629 I've left "my DA" when I've felt him pull away, which in turn has made Him feel abandoned. It's gotten much better. I don't know if a secure person would make it easier tbh. I have to work on becoming secure myself first.
How did he break your walls?
oh no "or just become better!"
I guess I'm supposed to be ok with myself as I am now huh? God this shit is difficult
This attachment style can be fixed if you did emdr therapy. I did for 3 hardcore years, didn’t date anyone for the whole time and really healed a lot of my triggers and trauma. I was honest and open to myself and I am now secure attachment. Currently dating an FA and I feel so sad bc I get where he’s coming from, but he can’t get better unless he does the inner work. It’s so sad to witness.
We r called ceazy for this😂 ppl cant predict us neither can we😢😂😂😢
ok but i wanna heal 😢
I never realized I was 🍌's 😮 until I seen this!!😂😂😂
I know right 🤦🏻♂️😬😂
Fuck girl. Very spot on. Especially that “I’ll just become better comment.”
Omg it’s me. Thought I was maybe anxious avoidant but nah this right here is spot on 😐
I am that type, a fearful-avoidant attachment.. it is really hard for me to be in relationship with a man.. I was so afraid that they would lose interest in me and found me boring.. I didnt want to depend on anyone.. it was so hard for me to get married and found a man that I could be with.. but luckyly, I found a man who can accept me for who I am and at first I was so worry to be open up to my husband but he is a reliable person.. he is not perfect just like me but I feel secure because I have him and my kids.. but it was really hard for me as a kid, a teenager, and adults to be open up to someone but once you found your secure base.. it is alright because we are just human after all
I didn't know, and wasn't sure. understand now 💡.
WOW, how is this so specific
This is what I imagine my ex was going through right before he dipped. Struggling to figure out how to get him to feel safe enough to see me face to face poor thing. I’m supposedly secure, his hot n cold triggered my anxiousness but my avoidant side kept me from spazzing out on him. Now I just want to hug him.
I am an anxious preoccupied and fearful-avoidant as well…when my anxious preoccupied attachment activates, I get over share, being very honest and open with that person from the start but the bad side is I get anxious, I get anxiety, I overthink, I vomit, I delete messages and the best part is that I know how to kill my attachment for that person and then my fearful-avoidant attachment activates and I become aloof, don’t want a relationship with you, okay in casual dating you
I’m fucked up
This is so me. Between FA & BPD, it’s exhausting
How many of you struggle with anxious attachment partner that u get self doubts like do you love them u don't like spending time with them
I don't want to date an FA anymore. Giving my all is "overwhelming" for them apparently and after investing a lot I get dumped.
Or even a little bit to test the waters. They pull away, how can we even build the real thing?! I hope to avoid them with a ten foot pole
Oh wow. This is basically why I've been single for years
This summing up my relationships with my FA😂. Totally emotionally draining and confusing.
😭😭😭😭 this is me in a nutshell. It drives me nuts!
This sounds like absolute hell
Nailed it.
Life is too short to live with the drama an avoidant creates. I just wasted 12 years of my life on one. I regret it all
What happen?
Can u share ur stories?
Yeah I just left one that I have wasted 6years on
This is me. I found this out last night and a light bulb clicked. And hearing more and more about the trait makes me wondering more on how i can better myself... when thats exactly what the trait is. 😂 but im being told attachment styles can change
i want to be better i don’t want to be FA it keeps hurting every relationship friendship anything i’m in
Lady why are you talking about me like this on the internets😂😂😂
,🤣🤣🤣
Yup! Spot on 🎯
Lmfao this tracks. Man I love is exactly like this.
So I thought he had this one but now with your video I see it’s my attachment style
39 years old here and I discovered yesterday that my inability to maintain friendships and relationships is because I'm a fearful avoidant. I'm both relieved and scared to discover this. Not sure I can be helped.
How to heal and become secure style help 😭
I am called out here lol
"Or just become better" bih... why u writng my life!
Chopin was a great choice for background
How to help/handle a type of person like this? especially in romantic relationships and me myself being anxiously attached
Just run!
That you want me to depend on you? Hit hard
Thank you for helping me to laugh about it lol
Fearful or anxious or dismissive people are all traumatized.
Many of us, probably most of America has some of this trauma.
For highly sensitive individuals, and for people who have suffered extreme trauma, it is very pronounced. This verbalization helps a lot for those of us who witness the fear filled eyes and see the dust as they evaporate into the distance…
We are beginning to see and feel seen, and it brings me back to what I learned from the Dalai Lama:
Be kind whenever possible; it’s always possible. If there’s a choice between being kind and being right, choose being kind and you will always be right.
A perfect balance 👌😂
Right after I met his family he pulled back and said he was questioning the relationship. These people are monsters and play with people like toys. I don't care the reason, I care how THEY hurt ME.
This is so true!!
"oh your being alittle distant, can you finally see how flawed I am and just don't like me anymore"
That's the one 🥲, funny how that comes after I feel like I've shared too much or have been distant tho 😂
Yep that’s it. It’s me right there
As a FA: YES! ALL OF THIS 😭😭😫😫😂😂
Ha ha ha. I love the laugh at the end
I had to subscribe to these because I have a pattern of entering and leaving relationships at the first sign of inconsistency and it’s getting bad
Well put
💯
It's crazy making when you're on the receiving end of this.
Yep, sounds about right
I can't 😅 that's so me.. the struggle is real 😅
Wow!!! . . . Too accurate
Accurate 💯
Just flip this around and imagine how a secure male rationalises this behaviour when they attempt to befriend a FA female, let alone become intimate partners. FAs don't set out to be cruel but some of their 'tricks', including triangulating with other potential partners, irrational emotional outbursts based upon unfounded jealousy and 'silent treatment' of men that are doing their best to be loyal friends, make FAs a group that are best left alone.
"FAs are a group that are best left alone"
Ouch! I get where you're coming from, but big ouch
@@gneissnicebaby I was a FA. Not only did it impact my life adversely, it impacted my wife and family. I waited a lifetime before I set about fixing it, my advice to any FA is find a therapist you like and stick with it until you are rid of it. It took me four years and quite a lot of the sessions were emotionally exhausting. The earlier you start, the sooner you will be rid of it.
It is absolutely not your fault, my FA traits were catalysed by nasty childhood and teenage traumas, you are the victim but it is toxic to those that you love so, for their sake, put it in the past.
@@glynnwright1699 I'm so glad you worked on it and healed. I'm not done yet but I'm glad I started.
@@HealingHappyAli I waited far too long, an entire lifetime. I am sure that you will do better than me.
Nah that last statement is for DAs.
Totally relatable
Yup
FACTS! My FA ex-gf was like all this about everything.
I have this
It’s so dizzying and overwhelming honestly.