Want To Find Love In 2024? AVOID This Mistake...
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
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There’s a mistake nearly all of us make in early dating . . . and it’s something we don’t even realize we’re doing. When we get nervous, we naturally slip into one of two masks as a way to protect ourselves against rejection.
In today’s new video, I’ll show you how one simple change can not only hugely increase the connection you feel with someone, but also take the pressure out of early dating. Don’t miss it!
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Blog → www.matthewhussey.com/blog/
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 1:20 - The Love Life Reset
1:20 - 2:25 - A Mistake We’ve All Made in Dating
2:25 - 3:08 - Showing Up With "Inauthenticity"
3:08 - 4:35 - Weapon We Use #1: Impressing
4:35 - 6:12 - Weapon We Use #2: Pleasing
6:12 - 7:47 - A Different Approach: Connecting
7:47 - 9:21 - How to Connect
9:21 - 11:12 - The Way You Show Up
11:12 - 12:33 - A View From the Sidelines
12:33 - 14:25 - Entering Your New Chapter
![Kehlani - Next 2 U [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/MpI7ekFG8A0/mqdefault.jpg)
Dating is indeed a special kind of hell.
😂
😂😂
Haha
I’ve been there! But I changed my focus and now I’m attracting better men who listen to me and respect me. I read Mattew’s book and other books about flirting, feminine energy and it’s amazing how everything is better now.
😂 couldn't agree more
I am single so I can talk to and meet whoever I want... But when I think how the last one turned out I realise nah... I am good. I don't want anyone to destroy my mental peace, someone who comes in quickly as a storm and who disappears as quickly as a storm leaving me in a "house" that I have to clean for month before I rebuild my balance and peace again. 😅 So maybe one day...but not today 😊
Set boundaries and daily, that way you won’t let sabotage the relationship and keep it healthy relationship.
The dissappearing act is the new way of dating it seems 😅
Coming in like a storm. Thats it. Have good boundaries and see it coming. Make them slow down. Unapologetically. If they leave... more time for yourself and no attachment 😊
Wait you moved in with someone? Yikes
I'm in a relationship with mental peace and it's going incredibly well.
I wish u nothing but just the best...
My dating life completely changed when I decided to focus on having a good time. Literally, like Matthew said, creating a space where we both have fun, get to know each other, and communicate clearly that that is what the intention should be, having a good time, together. My energy ends up mirroring so what I used to get anxiety out of and seek comfort in the other person, now by setting that standard in the interaction, i get comfort back. And even beyond dating, work-wise, showing up with the intention to make it so everyone has a good time. It's changed my life - and my experiences, completely.
This. I shifted my focus and now I’m having so much fun dating. I enjoy meeting new people and it’s so much better.
Dating- a special kind of Hell! lol!! Haven't dated in over a year after a ending very toxic relationship. Healing.
For those of us who have been out of the game for an extended period have the biggest gift ever…… we know we don’t NEED anyone! So let’s have boundaries, if they can’t handle us, they can go away and we wait for someone who is worthy of us!
When I decided to focus on myself and stop worrying about finding someone I found happiness. I don't need someone else to validate me. My standards are high.Since I am not someone willing to compromise I have learned I am enough. There is so much more to life than romantic relationships.
I totally agree. But, the way I saw it, I was working on hard on adding the ingredients to make a great cake. But I remembered the times when. if I added the right icing, the cake was amazing (which admittedly rarely happened). That's what I decided I finally wanted. Now, don't get me wrong, I was very happy with a great cake. But I never forget how wonderful that cake with icing tasted. I wish you well.
I wasn't looking for someone, and he finally worked up the courage to ask me out. We are close in age, close in values, and I have found the best relationship I've ever had. I've been very vulnerable in talking to him, and when he's right and thinking of me, I treasure that. And tell him that, because he is shy, lovable, and he is an amazing treasure.
Treasure? How long have you been dating?
I've known him over 20 years. We've been dating for almost 3 months.
Well, I’m just myself and all it has gotten me is praise about being sweet and amazing annnnnd put on the back burner for later. I’m just who they circle back to after their illusion of endless options dries up.
It get that... fuck them! After 4 years of therapy, I'm willing to say no way more often and am not allowing "them" to stick around or sneak back in. It was and still is TONS of work... anyway, let's not allow them to get us down! 🙏🏽💪🏼
Yes that’s what I am currently going through too. I feel that I have been connecting so well with this guy, I have shown my authentic self, been sharing our vulnerabilities etc but I feel that he doesn’t really fancy me physically and wants to see if he can have other options. He told me a month ago that he wanted to focus on his self-development, work on himself and break his patterns etc, get over the fact that he puts physical attraction really high etc, and told me that it was really bad timing for us but that maybe when he is done doing that? And now, he admitted to me that he went on a date last week. So yes I know how frustrating and disheartening it must feel for you too @caiseem1987 😢
lol same or they ghost outta nowhere idk when i call them out on the 'send an ass pic' comment hate those apps..
well. you are aware that they are probably saying that just to make you feel better? It's not like they really think you are super sweet and amazing.
That sucks. One other important point, stated in this video, is "connection." We can have traits people like. But connection is at a deeper level where we aren't being "performers" or "entertainers," instead, we are collaborating, brainstorming and creating with another and both desiring to know and be known by one another: connection.
Connecting with new friends and colleagues, 1000% worth as part of building community and societal /resilience praxis. I also need to have a better relationship with myself- THATS the love life that matters
connection over >>> impressing or pleasing someone
Now getting divorced after almost 25 years. I have no idea how to date in this modern world. I'm terrified.
be aware to not get to familiar too soon. Some people will act like they are connecting when they are just grooming you to overshare to get intel on you
I connected to with this video. No more creating monologues in my head "to be me or not to be"
❤
Man, what a revelation you are to me...
My heart was, literally, torn into strips when RUclips offered me your videos... And I found out, first of all, understanding. Then mistakes I was making. Than directions I should follow. So clear, simple, usable. Your voice, appearance, gesticulation - all together is so therapeutic, more than any other channel I follow. Even your English is very understandable to someone whose first language is not English 🙂
Yeah, that's all good and well, but what if you go out there genuinely wanting to connect, and you find out there's actually little interest in that? What if it turns out that people are only ever interested in being impressed or being pleased, and no one really wants to connect with you? What then?
Life is easiest when you are simply - you. No masks, no burdens, secrets, lies... simply - you. Just the way you are, with the light and dark parts we all have. That's when life becomes beautiful and you enjoy every moment. Even on dates 😁(I am entering the 2nd year of hermit mode.. 😎😃
As I understood, he means upgrading communication skills. In place of talking mundane topics "when-where-how much" talk about feelings.
I don't know what I did in life to deserve to be stuck in this perpetual hellish nightmare that's called dating.
But if there is a Maker then I repent my sinful ways and ask for absolution.
"Isn't it exciting to go out there as your authentic self?"
No, it's not. I get punished for my authenticity far more often than I get accepted for it. What's the point if I get my head kicked in regardless?
So true! You are being inauthentic showing to the other person how capable of doing things you are. Texting calling complimenting etc. and yes that’s how you got that person in your arm. But most people forgot and don’t realize that you should be able to maintain being the same person they met at first. Because that’s how they like you. And once you stop ofc you’ll have to expect the opposite reaction from your person. Don’t shower people with things you won’t be able to maintain the whole relationship because eventually one or both of you will be unhappy thinking about “why has things changed?” Or “why has he/she changed?”
Lovely idea about the new hours' talk
but the only guys that are single seem to be those who want FWB. All the good ones are taken. I have given up. Lucky that I enjoy my own company 😊 Peace 🙏🏽
I just binge-watched a bunch of your videos upon discovering this channel. You gave me so much comfort and confidence to stop hiding behind my fears and insecurities. Your advice helped me realize that I should continue to show up authentically instead of allowing my anxiety affect how I approach my daily life and relationship. Thank you for giving the insight to brighten my outlook on early dating!
I think that being the best version of yourself is not that hard and is not cheating.
The being yourself motto should not be used to justify all sorts of shortcomings. When I am attracted to someone's qualities I know, deep down, that they are not only the qualities I want in a partner but also for myself. So I improve thanks to any encounter (friendly or romantic) and "myself" is not a static concept.
That's a great listen, Matt.
You are the best! Thank you for sharing your video.
Excellent video. Thanks
I just started dating again and I'm trying to get out of my bad behaviors from my ex 😓 He used to make me feel bad when I'd try to express my feelings or need for something so now I'm scared to say anything. With my new relationship I did the same thing and instead had the opposite response because now the guy I'm seeing thinks I don't trust him or think he's like my ex and that's why I'm clammed up 😢 I just want to be done with the drama and stress, I just wish I could skip ahead to the stable marriage I dream of ❤
Thanks a lot for sharing, I wish you success on March 19th! 👍😄🙏
Thank you! I hope to see you there!
@@thematthewhussey It is my honor, thanks to you too! I hope to see you too!
@@thematthewhusseythe 'save my spot' button doesn't work
It was so beautiful! And so up to date for me now. Thank you Matthew!
This was really helpful. I use both of these protective tactics and wasn’t really sure how to break out of it - thank you ❤
Thank u 🙏🏾 I been saying this for a minute nobody being themselves
Thanks for Sharing. So nice background and your eyes color matching with your outfit and background Mr. Matthew
Very nice information
Happy Sunday!
Yeah, I think connection is hard for me. Distance sucks then comes rejection for me. It's on the list
Thank you darling chéri! You are the best! Much love from South of France
❤ very true! Authentic connection!
Thank you for this. This is super validating to me. This is how I've always showed up. And tho I can veer into people pleasing and trying to make sure they are comfortable, I know where my heart and skills are and when I've moved away from this it feels really off and tho it's often the only way folks were interested in me, it turns out those ended the worst. I'd much rather a non starter with someone who's not interested in the authentic connecting me, then someone who's interested and happy to take advantage of what I give out of people pleasing, and then later when I've gotten attatched, having the pain of realizing they only wanted what I give them, not me.
So right, as always!❤
This one really spoke to me, thank you.
You’re so welcome
Great tips! I saw myself as a pleaser. Your explanation and examples made all the difference. I feel better with myself now. ❤
It sounds like the connector just combined all of the other ones into a single response-Saying “oh me too”, asking a question to dig deeper and PLEASE them by making them feel important and heard… 😂
I liked this video a lot! Thank you for creating an event to this subject! I signed up for it but I dont think I will be able to log in to it because I’d be at work during that hour 🙁😢 im still looking in to the QA option though
We're all in a season of our life...
It seems the best way to address our nerversness is try to connect instead of putting on an armor, which means you don't have to reject yourself to please other people.
Thank you Matthew.
I thought I had found my person on Match; I even married him. It only lasted 5 months until I had to get away. I was widowed in 2018 and stayed single for almost 5 years in order to be emotionally strong enough to “try” with someone new. I am back on match looking again. I don’t actually need a connection to feel happy and whole….how can I “get back out there” as you said, and find a friend who is genuine?
Come join us on March 19th and I’ll show you! That’s what it’s all about…getting back out there again in ways that still protect our peace and finding the RIGHT kind of people. I hope you join us! www.lovelifetraining.com
Thank you 🥺
Thanks Matt
One of my favorite things about u Matthew is everything this video is saying. I've been asking God to teach me how to be TRULY
authentic. Ur a great cheerleader
Praying blessings on u and yours! Your making a difference!
I appreciate this 😭
it’s nice to see we are all connected regarding this! 😂
Ive learnt that now. Just be myself, look like myself and not try to dress like someone Im not. Sometimes its hard but it will show in the near future if you act like someone else
Count me as one of your people! I have learned so much from you. These lessons are part of my “reset”. OMG I’m an Impressor/Pleaser combo. Now I can play back some key moments when these behaviours got in the way of connecting with someone I liked. Oh well, don’t look back….I’m not going that way😊
Love this comment!! Thank you! ❤
Thank you Matthew for breaking it down so clearly! I am not yet sure how to apply your advice ... Building real connections with people is my way of being, at dates and beyond (after having been a ppl. pleaser for most of my life). I already do what you advise us to. But narcissists (who are unfortunately still my pattern, after many years of self-work) are VERY skilled at making you believe that you are mutually connecting, when they are not real. Nowadays many people are up-to-date with the "woke" terminology, go to therapy etc. without actually digging deeper into their own issues. So they can even credibly give someone the impression that they are also on a healing and growth path. Because I am authentic and open, it is easy for them to pick up what "moves" me and pretend to be in line with that.
So @Matthew: How do you stay authentic and connect, while protecting yourself from predatory types?
I have tried to hold back and be more reserved in the early times of meeting someone - I mean even new friends. But that just feels so artificial to me. And it drags the whole thing for longer. Thanks for sharing your take on this! 💚
I can totally relate with what you said. Dating world nowadays is a jungle. So many unhealthy people out there.
You can be going to therapy, be as authentic as possible, meet someone you feel like you connected with really well. Until they take off their mask and it turns they are narcissistic and were only using you. They are super skillful. The last experience took a huge emotional toll on me. It took me a long time to put myself back together, but I still don't know who to trust etc.
This Cancer Empath is 100% authentic and real. What anyone sees, hears, and reads is what anyone will consistently get 24/7. No games, no fakeness, etc. doesn't exist in my world. There is no reason to be anything but Me. Easy peasy! ❤
This could be used in a job interview as well 😎
❤ God bless you !
I tried to do everything right, didn’t emotionally invest too much, didn’t wait for his messages but focused on myself, took things slow and got to know him, tried mirroring the behaviours that I wanted to see in him, etc etc. But still, when he revealed his true colours he ended up being an emotionally unavailable liar that’s been hiding tons of secrets from me which he justifies with even more lies. I met him around the same time that my friend met her now-boyfriend, and here I am, back to where I started. It’s impossible not to believe that I’m loveable and that I actually deserve someone good. No matter how hard I try I always end up with someone terrible, even if I’m super careful and everything looks perfectly normal in the beginning, even my friend thought things would work out between us. At this point I’ve given up, trying again won’t make any difference and I’m tired of men’s bullshit. If I did deserve anything I would’ve got it by now.
Please can you do a video about being blindsided in a breakup 🙁
Yessss!
Gosh, the training is 5am Melbourne time. Too early. I hope we will be able to watch the play back of it.
Bang on ¡!
I tried to sign up for the training but the 'save my spot' button doesn't work
If you are dating with a goal (marriage, kids) then you look for someone that just good enough to get you to the goal. That’s NOT the same as looking for genuine love or connection that will last a long time. You might convince yourself these things are the same, but we can fool ourselves more easily than we would like to think. We can love people we wouldn’t marry and vice versa. Be yourself, enjoy life, look for somebody you connect with, and THEN think about couplehood, relationships, and marriage. It’s a healthier way to form genuine relationships if you aren’t continuously trying to make something happen that doesn’t happen organically by either pretending to be someone you aren’t or making excuses for someone who isn’t actually a soulmate.
After making the mistake of reading Lori Gottlieb's book on settling, I'm now utterly terrified that I am an old hag at the age of 37. She says that men don't want "older women" like me because they "can have" younger and more fertile girls. It's really dragged down my confidence, and I feel ugly and unattractive (which I know I'm not). I was married for 6 years and have been doing therapy for 4. I an now a much better version of me, but feel an enormous amount of pressure to find a man who resonates with my new values and relationships skills while my skin is still smooth haha. I fucking hate how much influence over my mind this god-awful book had.
Yuck, that book sounds cruel. Also how does her husband feel about her calling him Mr Good Enough :/ Imagine spending your whole life with someone who thinks you're mediocre (on both sides).
you are a beautiful lady …. dont believe that your age puts men off … trust me on this …
I hope you BURNT it !! Sounds like a pile of shit to me ... I'm 67 and getting dates
... I'm not saying they stick .. seems things have changed a lot in last 5 years they just dissappear even though things going well .. ok well they cancelled themselves. Good.
I don't think even Lori Gottlieb takes that book seriously. I know she's not with "Mr. Good Enough" anymore.
You are not " old" I'm a young 68 and don't think about the " number".. ..screw that author
Absolutely hate when people always want to relate to everything you say! Just listen.
It’s an easy bad habit to have. I used to be that way until I accepted that I don’t need to relate to or enjoy all the same things as the other person.
I missed March 19th. Was it recorded or when will it happen again?
Thank you ❤ love this. (As always ❤) is the link working I can't seem to sign up for the event ? X
Hey Lesley❤Please email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they'll help you sign up for the event!-Bianca, MH team
@@bianca-mhteam6237the button to sign up isn't working
Thank you for making us aware of this,@@Beth1300! Our team is working hard to get it fixed ASAP. In the meantime, you can email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they can help you register. 🥰
-Bianca, MH team
@MatthewHussey, I'm unable to register, the save my spot button is not working! Please Help 😢
I’m recently turned 50, I’ve been happily single for a long time. I’m not sure I was ever “In the game!” 😆😆😆😆😆
I'm on the dating apps and stuck in the same cycle of sending likes and dead end convos or no response. 😂
Will there be a replay? Many of us are working at the time of the training…
Hey Annie! You can email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they'll let you know if a replay will be available 🥰 -Sarah , MH team
Healing from heart break is crazy! It’s also like do I want to go out there again?
I'm not, after the last relationship i just lost all the confidence in myself
I get it. I was in the same place. To connect and get the joy it brings exposes you to its flip side, pain of loss and rejection. For me, I had to acknowledge the pain and learn from it. Then do the honest, internal work to allow yourself to look back in that mirror and be able to say "Hmm. Not too shabby" Then you will be ready. And it's scary and exciting all over again but damn worth it. Otherwise, there will be a part of you that is slowly dying and won't be able to thrive. At least that's what I have found/am finding out. Peace to you.
Bummer the link to "Save the Date" did not work. Will try again.
Hey Barbara❤Please email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they will help you sign up for the event! -Sarah, MH team
Authentic connection 💜💜💜
Yeah, but trying to change from a pleaser to a connector is only going to have me overanalyzing how to reply to connect. Catch-22 😕.
Num. 1 Dating Advice for 2024: Don't do it.
Will we be able to re watch the event later if we sign up?
Hey Kristin! You can email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they'll let you know if a replay will be available 🤗 -Bianca, MH team
Just went to sign up and it said sold out. Didn't work 2 months ago either 😢
I Have a real conundrum. At the gym at the end of class I am often chatting with 2 gentlemen whom I like both. How does one flirt with both or one only without hurting the feelings of the other? When it rains, it pours.
Try to get one alone? Go for a coffee? Get a business card any card with your info on it Ur lucky check the Chinese years are U compatible?? Go for a swim after??
It’s raining Men??😂🤣🙏⁉️
The hardest part is admitting you do things incorrectly and make mistakes . 😂gets easier after once you can accept that you've been the one doing it wrong
Can you please help to get the form working at the invite link? Nothing seems to happen when pushing the button after putting details in.
Thankyou Matthew for the invite.
P.S. I did pre-order a copy of your book for my soon to be ex-wife and for myself.
Same. Wasted a while reloading and retrying so many times. Hopefully they'll fix it
Hey Veyegs! 🙏 Please email our support team at
support@matthewhussey.com and they will help you sign up for the event! -Sarah, MH team
@@Beth1300 Hey Beth! 💙 Please email our support team at
support@matthewhussey.com and they will help you sign up! -Sarah, MH team
Who's still looking for love anymore
Looking for love is not a thing anymore lol
Thats a thing of the past
Nah. I'm done dating.
After 9 years I was introduced to this guy by a relative..it seemed like a great guy but low and behold I could see clearly the signs he is a full spectrum narcissist. Well I know my dad was the father of all narcissists 😂 well I am laughing not because its funny but because once you know one of those its easy to spot one!! If you get them easily like this in real life God knows what is hidden in dating apps!
@alexp24370 I was going to mention that Matthew Hussey was speaking as if all potential dates are genuine people when it's definitely not the case, especially nowadays! He has done videos on the subject though.
Nevertheless, I'd be adding warnings on dating advice videos etc, if I was a creator. I realise that it's not good to be constantly expecting the worst, yet it's best to be extremely wary.
I want to add that I've learnt that dating apps and sites are full of highly narcissistic, or worse, types of individuals, hence why many have given up on meeting someone that way.
I recall watching a confronting video on the subject by a man called HG Tudor, who tells people to stay off them, for reasons mentioned, and he definitely knows his own kind. 😊
Now we don't want anyone 😂 no more findings..yeah sounds hopeless
Matthew, I love you dearly however you couldn’t pay me to go on date and get back out there ! No thank you ! I have peace now so ….. I will pass ! ❤
😢
Totally get it! Why not come to the event on March 19th anyway and take some other things from it you can apply to your life anyway? X
Dating is like a boxing ring
I can not "save my spot" the button doesn't work 😢
Hey Andrea 💚 We're sorry to hear the link isn't working! Please email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they'll help you sign up.
-Bianca, MH team
You read me for filth within the first minute.
💜💜💜
"Save my spot" button doesn't work😢
Hey Cassia💙 We're sorry to hear the link isn't working! Please email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they'll help you sign up.
-Sarah, MH team
Unless you’re a Libra rising, it’s not a time to “get back out there”, it’s a time to be less dependent on relationships and to work on ourselves. The war of the sexes will continue to be the vibe until next February.
I’m Libra rising. Why is this? I broke up with someone 6 months ago. Year and a half relationship. He was back out there 3 weeks later. I still don’t feel like it. I’m just enjoying my space atm. Keep thinking maybe it’s time but haven’t done it.
my athentic self is a jerk. soooo no, its not good to go out as myself
The #1 Dating Mistake: DATING
When you realize you're the pleaser on first dates 😐😂
Dating is useless. Find someone you respect, find attractive and then befriend them. Do kind and considerate things for them. Courting is much more sincere and effective at winning someones heart.
I'm done with being an expert on all the ways red flags are presented to women in the dating sphere - give me a man who says he's done or is in therapy and he's gone from ABC to XYZ in the work and that will be good for my consideration. Otherwise my solo peaceful existence with pets is suiting me just fine
😮😮😮😮😮😮
Hey, just so you know 'matchiffy' is using your content as their own. In an annoying way as well.
And due to youtubes *ahum* rules you are the only one who can report the channel. So I thought ild let you know.
Thank you for letting us know Ellen and keeping our community safe! Our team will look into this -Sarah, MH Team
@@SarahStiles-MHTeam youre welcome!
Thank you for your work and content, to the whole team. And if I see more thieves ill let you know.
Have a great day!
Wow so many rules and no authenticity just rules. Ugh
What a waste of time and energy..!
You're very preachy, but you don't address the laws surrounding marriage. Because of those laws, I will never get married nor live with a woman long enough to be common law.