Why Husbands Should Be the Primary Initiators of S-- (Part 1)
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- Опубликовано: 5 фев 2024
- Who should be the one to initiate sex in marriage? The quick answer is, both of you! But, it is our conviction that the husband should be the primary initiator of intimacy in marriage.
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I’m a 43yo wife of 14yrs … and I am the *”have I been good enough to get a cookie?🥺”* husband in this scenario. 😭💔😭
…Throughout our marriage. 😣
My drive has always seemed higher than my husband’s … and we’re learning about our attachment styles, which he is seriously avoidant. We have some DEEP stuff we’re both working through.
(Side note: I wish everyone who talks about this would shine more light on / include our smaller percentage, for I typically have to switch the roles and advice around, and end up feeling a bit shamed for wanting it more than my husband after listening to this sort of content.)
I am only 7 years married, and in covenant with a wonderfully generous, compassionate, and godly man. But I am definitely in the minority with you. I'm generally the one that has to ask him to make some time for us because he's exhausted at the end of the day, or has back to back meetings, or whatever the situation is. I even joke after a long, stressful day that, "I bet doing the deed would fix that." 😅 During the second trimester, our drive for intimacy gets even more intensely imbalanced and I would really be pleading some nights for a little something before bed. I'm not saying he *never* initiates, but I do more often. Our honeymoon was a huge reality check for me because I was always told that men want it literally all the time, but I had to *wait* for him to be ready rather than the other way around!! 😮 It's easy for me to make it happen if he wants to, even if it means reshuffling the schedule, or making an extra effort to push through a real headache. The only time there might be more desire on his side and it is NOT going to happen is when I'm pregnancy sick, have a migraine, or it's too soon postpartum. And even then, he has zero problem waiting for me to heal, praise God!! The anticipation can even make it more exciting when we come back together.
I pray the Lord restores your intimacy through His goodness, and I hope knowing you are not alone in your physical desire being stronger than your husband's is some comfort. ❤
I completely relate.
I don’t know about your and your husband’s health. From the sounds of it y’all sound healthy, but I know sometimes I would get so exhausted from my job and my diet wasn’t always the best, so even though I desired my wife a lot of times I felt too tired and that also made me feel bad. Also I know sometimes people talk about ED being the problem, but I have had a change in diet and exercise, so my desire went way up. I don’t know if any of this helps, but it’s food for thought. Also I believe other forms of physical intimacy can help couples feel closer.
I've been married for 10 years and I have the higher drive and I've thought something is wrong with me because all the marriage books say "women don't say no to your man...he needs lots of sex". Hubby and I have had a lot of conversations about this and there have been improvements.
Thank you both for ensuring the the Lord is placed first in all discussions. To God be the glory in all things, forever and ever, amen.
My prayer is my wife and I can find common ground and intimacy again.
It’s an act of worship between a husband and wife.
I think women are often in the position of desiring more frequency, but that we are unlikely to talk about it because we want to be perceived as feminine and that's not a characteristic associated with femininity, and do not wish to diminish the masculinity of our husbands by letting others know that he wants to "play the game" less frequently than us. My husband desires intimacy less frequently than I do, even though we are both people in healthy bodies. But my desire for intimacy is driven by something different than my husband's. I want to feel emotionally close to my husband and I want to feel desired and I want his attention, and physical intimacy does that for me, so I'd gladly let him initiate every night. His preference is not to initiate every night because he does have a taxing job and often doesn't have enough time to sleep a full night as it is. So because my husband loves me, he tries to make me feel desired and emotionally close to him in other ways as well as initiating when he has the reserve to do so. As a previous commenter pointed out, there is also truth that pregnancy can have an effect on women that throws off the typical balance as well. I think there's a lot that needs to be said on this matter, because when the woman is frustrated with the husband because she wants intimacy more often, it can make the man feel less manly and perhaps inadequate, which does not lead to an increase in desire, and the woman is left without her husband's help facing a kind of temptation she perhaps isnt used to experiencing, and perhaps may feel like cant talk to anyone including her husband about it. It can be isolating and dangerous and open women up to sexual sin, and I believe this is an area that led to an unproductive kind of feminism that has still not been addressed in the sphere of christianity or conservatism. Perhaos you guys arent the right people to address it but it really does need to be addressed
Although, I'm sure it *can* make certain men feel less manly for their wives to initiate more often, that has decidedly not been the case in my marriage. My husband is delighted to have a wife that calls on him in that way. It makes him feel more masculine and desirable. I think both extremes can be damaging in a marriage, whether the wife is always putting the husband off, or complaining about not getting it enough. But I believe a healthy, godly marriage shouldn't depend on the wife always waiting for her husband to initiate if he's less likely to, nor does it depend on the wife guarding the cookie jar for "good boy" points, as it were. A Christ-centered marriage focuses rather on both parties seeing to the needs and desires of the other, willing to sacrifice their own if needed. The Shulamite in the Song of Solomon went seeking her bridegroom. He certainly turned up the ardour in the bedroom, but she didn’t sit around, lighting candles, putting on oils, and hoping he'd take the hint. Christ pursues us to Salvation, but we also seek Him and further intimacy by going to Him in prayer. I don't think this is a matter of headship vs submission in who initiates more. I think it vastly depends on the couple.
@@bethiemwreally appreciate this perspective.
This is good stuff
Hopefully part 2 speaks to the flip side as well!!!!! Please…..